39 comments/ 56839 views/ 130 favorites Glimpses By: drowninginreality Aaron, I guess this is weird I'm writing this in a letter. I just know if I tried to say this in person I'd never get it all out. I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I always knew in the back of my mind I'd never be enough for you. I just wanted to outrun it somehow – to turn 75 with you and look back and ask ourselves where the time went. I guess you were right though, about what you said. The point of this letter isn't to point fingers though. I would start over but this is my fourth try and my hand is starting to cramp. I'm starting to ramble, and I know how you hate that, so I'll get to the point. I thought I would be okay with this, when you said we needed more variety – that you couldn't just be with one person. I thought maybe you'd notice the signs that I wasn't okay with it – that I never was. I just wanted to make you happy. That's all I've ever wanted, really, so I agreed. I hope you find what you're looking for – and I don't mean that in a hollow or spiteful way – I really, really do. You've been my life for the past five and a half years, and I wouldn't change that for anything, but I can't feel this way anymore. I love you. Andrew ************************************************************************************** February 27, 2012 "Where's your other daddy, huh? Oh, yes, you've been a good girl, haven't you? Yes you have! Did Andrew take you out for a walk? Andrew, babe? Bella's seriously going crazy on my leg...I told you I think huskies aren't meant to live as far south as this." Aaron pushed Bella gently off of his leg, absentmindedly setting his briefcase and keys on the counter before returning to his iPhone. Barely dodging the coffee table, his eyes glued to the screen, he made his way further into the apartment. "Hey, I was thinking we could try that new sushi place Linda and James have been hounding us about, what do you say?" He didn't notice that Andrew hadn't responded until he started to change out of his work clothes. It was about the same time that he noticed the note on the bed. ************************************************************************************ March 1, 2006 Andrew hated this class. He really, really did. He thought taking a psychology class titled "Interpersonal Relations" might give him some insight into making relationships work – into communication styles and attraction and love. It had given him insight. Plenty, in fact – just not the kind he wanted to hear. His professor was talking about love today. How long-term love doesn't last, to be specific. Something about serotonin levels and how, after they initially skyrocket during a relationship's early phases, they gradually decrease and taper off. He was trying not to listen too hard – hard enough to take detailed notes but not hard enough to truly absorb any of the information. It was ruining his romantic ideals. "So, who here believes that love truly can last?" His professor always did this. She asked some question that culture had ingrained her students to answer in one way or another, like – 'Who here believes in soulmates?' and, after all of those romantic comedies and melodramas, there was always going to be one, two or fifteen students who raised their hands – some poor girls who had just seen When Harry Met Sally or The Notebook or something. Andrew's professor would then chuckle a little, wince, and say something apologetic but heartbreaking, like – 'Well I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the research just doesn't point that way.' Without thinking, Andrew raised his hand. He was a little too hungover, maybe a little too drunk still, and a little too interested in fixing the layout of his Word document to notice that the class was staring at him. His professor repeated herself as Andrew looked up. "Yes, you," she said, pointing at him. "Since you're the only one raising his hand, why do you think love can last?" Floundering for a couple seconds, Andrew thought on his feet and did what he did best – he made a joke out of it. "I mean, I guess it has to – the universe kind of owes me for how my past couple flings turned out." There were scattered chuckles in the room – the best you could get during a Friday morning lecture, Andrew guessed. His professor shot him a wry smile. "Well, on that note, next week we will be talking about conflict in relationships and how to diffuse -" Andrew focused back on his computer screen. He felt eyes on him though. He noticed Cocky Hot Guy still hadn't turned around from looking at him a couple of rows forward. Andrew had nicknamed him Cocky Hot Guy from the first day of class. He always flirted and joked with the professor, was really, really hot, and seemed like a total fucking douche. Andrew knew he would probably hate him. He'd learned to hate guys like him. Cocky Hot Guy was probably just mad that he wasn't the only one making jokes in the class anymore, anyway. After class was dismissed a few minutes later, Andrew was one of the last to leave. Caught in the middle of the seats, he had fumbled with his computer and dropped his water bottle – twice, before it rolled down a couple of rows forward. Cocky Hot Guy picked it up. Waiting next to Andrew's row, Cocky Hot Guy handed him his water bottle and said, "I agree, you know. I'm a total softie at heart." Andrew half-smiled at him. He had never been very good at interacting with straight guys. Not since freshman year of high school when he came out to his guy friends, anyway. That had scared him away from straight guys for a long time. "Yeah, I guess I was just tired of her telling us there was no hope left," he replied. "She does tend to do that, doesn't she?" Andrew smiled back and gave a noncommittal, "Yeah." He really, really wanted this moment to end. His hands were getting clammy. "I can't imagine why any fling would have ended badly for you though." Andrew was way too nauseated for this. "Yeah, well I guess not everyone is as romantically inclined as we are." They were almost to the front doors of the building. Andrew hoped they weren't walking in the same direction. "Well, maybe we can find out just how much we have in common sometime?" Andrew's migraine was kicking back in. And he may or may not have been suffering from auditory hallucinations. "What?" Andrew managed to say. "Seems like you're having serious trouble focusing today." They were outside now. Andrew felt blinded by the sun and twice as nauseated. "So, how about it? Wanna catch a movie or something this weekend? I'm Aaron, by the way." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aaron had been watching him for a while now. There was something about him. He was cute, that was obvious. Not locker-room-jock-fantasy cute, and not tan-blonde-and-hairless cute either. Boyish cute. But with stubble. Brown hair, light brown eyes, full lips. Really, really cute. The kind of cute where you could just imagine him falling asleep on your chest. Naked. After fucking for hours. That kind of cute. Anyway, Aaron had been watching him for a while now. He'd just been waiting for the right moment. This had seemed as good a moment as any – the thing the kid had said during class had given Aaron an in – but now he was starting to regret it. The kid looked at him like he was so hideous he might puke. He showered this morning. He always did before this class. He had been watching him for a while, remember? He was pretty sure the kid was gay, not that he was flamboyant or anything, Aaron could just tell, he was good at that. How else would he have managed to find so many 'curious' straight guys to seduce over the past four years? His track record spoke for itself. So, why did he look so disgusted? Maybe the kid was just intimidated. Yeah, that was it. This would be perfect – one more shy, probably very eager conquest before he graduated. His new conquest still hadn't even told him his name, though. "Um, I'm Andrew." Well, that was a start. Yeah, Andrew was just love struck, that was all – "That sounds really fun, but I don't think that'd be a good idea." Wait, what? "What do you mean?" Aaron winced. His voice sounded pathetic. "Well, you seem cool and everything, but, I just...I'm not really...I...you just, you seem like a love them and leave them type of guy...and, I'm not looking to be a notch on anyone's bedpost right now." That was unexpected. Aaron probably looked like a trout. "I'm sorry, I know that sounds judgmental, I'm not trying to be, and you're really cute, I just...I can't. Thank you, though." And just like that, Andrew squinted at Aaron one more time and hobbled off. He still looked like he was about to puke. "Well, what the fuck?" A squirrel crouching by the building stared at Aaron in response. ********************************************************************************** February 27, 2012 Aaron read the letter again. He was gone. Andrew was gone. He was so confused – hadn't they been happy? Where was this all coming from? Sure, they'd had their ups and downs – but didn't all couples? Maybe he never should have suggested they start having an open relationship. Aaron hadn't even acted on it. But it just seemed like Andrew wasn't even interested in him lately. They hadn't had sex in a month when they'd practically fucked like rabbits before. What else was he supposed to do? ********************************************************************************* September 15, 2011 Andrew was staring at Aaron staring at his iPhone, again. Andrew always thought that restaurants like this would be stricter about cell phone use. Who was he even talking to? It was their anniversary – their five-year anniversary. Maybe this is when anniversaries get less important. Maybe after so long you have to stop proving that you're more important to one another than a smartphone. Andrew got up to get a drink. Aaron didn't notice. Aaron looked up five minutes later to see Andrew was still in the bathroom. At least, that's where he thought Andrew had gone. He waited for five more minutes. He absently scrolled through his latest text messages. Maybe Andrew had gotten sick? He scanned the room. There he was, seated by the bar – that unmistakable cowlick on the back of his head. Andrew was nursing a cranberry vodka when Aaron came over. He was in the middle of stalling as much as possible. He didn't want to go back to the table and sit with Aaron in silence again. Not yet, anyway. "There you are. What are you doing over here, baby?" "Drinking a little." "I see that. Wanna come back to the table? I think our dessert is gonna be there soon." Aaron smiled at him. That smile. Andrew knew he was going to miss it. "Okay." Andrew smiled back. ************************************************************************************ March 2, 2006 "And then he just walked away?" "Yeah, well, I guess it was more of a limp. I think he had a colossal hangover." "Rough. Are you gonna try again?" "No! I mean, maybe. I don't know. My ego's bruised." "Oh no! Your poor, poor ego! How is it taking it's first bruising? Oh, I almost forgot, does it officially have it's own area code yet?" "That was lame, Jamie." Aaron smiled. "But really, it is. I didn't realize how much of a crush I had on the kid." He lay back on the bed. Jamie regarded him for a few seconds, her blonde hair hanging in a lazy ponytail over her shoulder. "You know, I kind of like it when your ego's bruised. You're so much more..." "Pathetic?" "I was gonna say, 'like a real person.'" "Remind me why I'm friends with you again?" "Because, Aaron, I'm the only one who doesn't take you seriously. It's good for you." "You're not doing a very good job of reminding me." Jamie huffed and smiled at him. "But seriously, Aaron, are you gonna try to win him over or not? I've never seen you back down from a challenge, and you have been talking about him nonstop ever since the semester started." "I have not!" ...okay, maybe I have. I guess I have to try again, don't I? "There's the Aaron I know! But seriously, you've gotta pick up the pace, the clock's ticking until we gra– " "Don't you dare say the G word." "Okay, okay! No G word. But, really, this is our last semester. Make some moves!" ************************************************************************************ March 4, 2006 "Psssssst!" What was this, 5th grade? Who in the fuck was pssssting in the middle of an upper-division psych course? "Psssssssssssst!" Andrew looked up from his computer. Seriously? "PSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!" Andrew turned around, ready to glower at the fucking 10-year-old schoolgirl who got lost on her way to the Girl Scout Cookie stand and decided to stop by a college psychology class when he found himself making dramatically prolonged eye contact with Cocky Hot Guy. He refused to call him Aaron, even after their encounter on Friday, which he puked after, by the way. He needed to remind himself to stop drinking champagne. "What?" Andrew mouthed. A weird-looking girl in glasses two seats over was staring at him. Aaron did a strange, frantic pointing motion to the space in front of Andrew, almost knocking over some guy's laptop in the process. Andrew looked down. There was a note. Aaron had thrown a note at him. He was officially back in the 5th grade. Andrew, He narrowed his eyes as he read. What did Cocky Hot Guy even have to say? Andrew thought he had made himself pretty clear. Andrew knew Cocky Hot Guy's type. He had recognized it in an instant, as soon as got over the fact that Cocky Hot Guy was hitting on him. The arrogance in his eyes, the shock when Andrew had denied him. Maybe he was just looking for someone to act out his bicurious fantasies with or something. Andrew wasn't going down that path – not again. I know you think I'm just looking for a quick fuck or something. Hell, if I hit on myself I'd probably be thinking the same thing about me right now too. But I don't just want that. Self-effacing and convincing. Andrew was wryly happy that he had been around this kind before. A younger him probably would have been infinitely more idiotic about this situation. I've been watching you since the beginning of the semester. I don't know if you remember this, but I came in late the first day. When I was looking for a seat I caught eyes with you and I stood there like an idiot for a while until Professor Knowlton called me out. Ever since then I couldn't take my eyes off you. Andrew did remember that day. Cocky Hot Guy had stood there, mouth agape, staring in his direction. He had thought at the time that Cocky Hot Guy might be staring at the girl wearing the hey-here-are-my-tits top behind him. The professor had jokingly asked him if he had ever seen a lecture hall before. Cocky Hot Guy had snapped out of it and mustered some witty, flirty retort. Andrew had rolled his eyes. You're the most entertaining person I've ever met. Well, that was weird. He'd shared two sentences with Cocky Hot Guy. Was his circle of friends largely composed of desk chairs? It's been hard to take notes this semester watching your facial expressions, the way you sink down into your chair when you're afraid of being called on, the way you turned into a tomato when you had to answer that question about love. Even when I'm sitting behind you it's entertaining – your cowlick has never had the same shape twice. Reaching back, Andrew ran his fingers through his cowlick. So the guy had noticed some things about him. So what? I realize it's a longshot – especially after your reaction last Friday, but would you please just give me a chance? Maybe we can study for the midterm together? I've seen you in the law library a couple of times – it's my favorite one on campus too. What do you say? Can we talk after class?         Aaron Andrew turned around, very, very slowly. Cocky Hot Guy had a sheepish smile. It was probably one of the cutest things Andrew had seen in a long time. He turned back around. He was so fucked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Watching Andrew read his note was like torture. The fact that Andrew had rejected him before just made Aaron want him more. Aaron wondered if Andrew knew that he was pushing all of his buttons, to control and dominate – to win. Aaron smiled when Andrew had reached back and ran his fingers through his cowlick. At least he was reading the entire thing. When Andrew had finally turned around he was stone-faced. That was better than disgust, at least. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I should have said no." "I should have said no." "I should have said no!" "Are you talking to yourself again?" "No, Lauren, I'm talking to you! I should have said no! What the fuck was I thinking? The guy writes me one note and I suddenly forget how to be rational." "He's hot, he's obviously into you, and he wants to meet at the library, I mean what's the big deal? The library is a pretty neutral place if you ask me. At least he didn't ask you to come to his dorm or something." "He's a senior, too. I think he lives off-campus or something. But that's not the point! I mean, fuck! I haven't even talked to a guy who's been into me since Scotty." "Well, then maybe this is a good thing." "A good thing? Feel my hands." "Woah...extra clammy." "I know. My books are gonna slide out of my hands or something. I'm such a loser." Andrew plopped down onto his bed in a huff. He still hadn't decided what he was going to wear. He wanted something that said, 'I tried, but not that hard.' "You're not a loser, you just...you had something bad..." Lauren hesitated. "You just got hurt, okay? And you're scared. Anyone in your position would be feeling the same way." "Anyone in my position wouldn't have let Scotty get away with it. Anyone in my position would have been strong – would have actually done something about it. " "Do you really wanna go over this again?" "No...I guess not." "Good! Well then let's finish getting you dressed. Maybe you can keep a paper towel in your pocket or something!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Was Andrew really standing him up? Granted, he was only 10 minutes late, but the way he was practically beaming at Aaron when he agreed to meet in the library after class on Wednesday made Aaron think that he would be a little more punctual. He looked up for the thirty-seventh time. There he was – Andrew had just entered the library. Aaron took a second to enjoy the view – tight dark wash jeans, chambray shirt over a cream v-neck, tousled hair – before waving him over. Andrew sat next to him in a huff. It looked like one of his books had slipped out of his hands but he caught it at the last second, setting it down on the wooden table. "Hey...I'm so sorry I'm late." Before Aaron could even respond, Andrew was launching into some sort of monologue. "I was walking to campus – I live a couple of streets down, you know where those houses are that a lot of professors live in? By there. Anyway, I was walking to campus and those people – I mean, those people that wear those jackets, you know the people that make you sign stuff? They were posted at pretty much every corner. I hate how they ask you questions you can't refuse, like 'Good afternoon sir, would you like to save an orphan's life today?' It's like, well of course I would! I mean, who wouldn't? They're like Professor Knowlton with their questions. But then, if you say no, you're practically begging for karmic retribution. 'No, I wouldn't like to save an orphan.' Who even says that? So basically, I'm on about 25 mailing lists now. I put my mom's e-mail address for some of them, she loves stuff like that. So, anyway, have you started studying yet?" Glimpses Aaron just stared at him. That was the cutest fucking thing he'd ever seen, ever. How did Andrew's lips upturn like that every time he talked? And the scrunch in his eyebrows...Aaron wondered if Andrew would get that same scrunch if he was concentrating on something else, like Aaron's dick slowly entering his – "Funny, I always thought you would be more talkative once you got me here, Aaron. I haven't started yet. I say we go over chapter seven first, what do you think?" Aaron stared at him some more. ************************************************************************************ February 27, 2012 Aaron couldn't take his eyes off of the note. He must have read it a hundred times by now. He fumbled for his phone. Brushed away the tear that splashed on his screen cover with his shirt. He dialed Andrew's number. "Hey, this is Andrew – and Aaron! – shh! I'm trying to be professional! Hey, this is Andrew, leave me a message!" The voices he heard on the answering machine seemed so distant, so small. He looked down at the note again. ************************************************************************************ April 10, 2010 "It's boring!" "It's not boring, Aaron. I kinda like the robot chick that says it. 'The number you have dialed is not available. To leave a callback number, press 1.'" "She sucks. You need a real answering machine. It'll make you seem more adult...professional." "Okay! You win, you win." Aaron grinned as Andrew keyed in the numbers on his phone. "Hey, this is Andrew – " "And Aaron!" Andrew glowered in his direction. "Shh! I'm trying to be professional!" He punctuated the words with a couple of pokes to Aaron's chest. "Hey, this is Andrew, leave me a message!" "There, that wasn't so hard, was it?" "It was hard enough without you yelling in the background." "Say hard again." "Hard." "Hey...I know something else that's hard..." Andrew rolled his eyes and rolled over, bringing Aaron with him. ************************************************************************************ March 5, 2006 "So you told him where we're going?" "Well, not on purpose. He asked me what I was doing tonight after we finished studying. I told him that you and I were thinking about going out for Tommy's birthday." "So, you told him where we're going. You could have just said that, you know. It's not a crime that you like him." "I know, it's just...I don't want to get my hopes up, you know? I don't even know if he's out of the closet. And I don't want a repeat of Scotty. So, I'm going into this with absolutely no expectations. None." "Right. And, when have you ever done that, Andrew?" "Well, I think there was this one time, in second grade..." He grinned. Lauren threw a pillow at his face. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aaron couldn't remember the last time he came to a club alone. Luckily he got there a little early. Andrew had told him that some kid's birthday party was going to start at 9:00. Aaron showed up at 9:30. Still kind of pathetic, but at least he was able to avoid a line and a lot of unwanted approaches. When he walked in, "Milkshake" was playing. Seriously? "Milkshake?" He made his way towards the bar and ordered a beer, turned around and scanned the room. That had to be him. He was wearing the same snug dark wash jeans he was earlier, but with a different button down shirt. Dark green. It brought out his brown hair. He was dancing animatedly to "Milkshake," his friend across from him was giggling. But really, what a milkshake it was. Andrew may have dancing as a joke, but he had serious rhythm. Rhythm in a kind of unassuming way, like he had way too much energy, like his hips had stored all of this pent up frustration because someone hadn't just held him down and fucked the shit out of him yet. At least, that's what Aaron thought it looked like. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Okay, don't look now, but tall, blonde and hot as fuck is looking over here, and I really, really don't think it's my ass he's been staring at." Andrew tried to wait a couple of seconds before turning around, to play it cool, you know. In a heyI'mjustlookingaroundthebarnobigdeal kind of way. He almost tripped turning around so quickly. "Please, please tell me that's him!" "Yeah, Lauren, that's him." As soon as Andrew made eye contact with him, Cocky Hot Guy started walking over. Andrew thought Lauren might pee herself. Luckily, or unluckily, she ran off with a squeal right before Cocky Hot Guy got there. "Your friend got out of here quickly." "Yeah, I think she forgot her purse in the bathroom...or...something." Seriously, Andrew, that's the best you could think of? Aaron just smiled back at him, eyebrows raised. "So, when you did you get here?" God, Andrew was bad at small talk. "A couple of minutes ago. Hey, wanna take some shots? Maybe forget everything we studied this afternoon?" Andrew could have sworn Cocky Hot Guy winked at him. Whatever. If he only had a couple more months left of college, he may as well start taking Lauren's advice and living a little. It'd been so long, anyway. "Sure," he smiled back. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aaron hadn't meant to get Andrew shitfaced. Really, he hadn't. Andrew was no lightweight. They had been fine after their sixth shot. Maybe Aaron had underestimated how many drinks Andrew had had before he had shown up. Aaron had suggested the shots as an icebreaker, and it had worked. He had talked to Andrew for the whole night without getting bored and even managed to charm some of Andrew's friends. They shared the same biting humor, which made their banter easy and entertaining. And Andrew's dance moves – Aaron didn't think he'd ever forget those. When "Waiting for Tonight" came on (Andrew had requested it), he grabbed Aaron's hand, dragged him to the dance floor, and put Aaron's arms around his waist. He started grinding into him at that point. Aaron thought he was going to have a heart attack. He'd been around the block a couple of times, well, more than a couple, but this, this eagerness he saw in Andrew – it was sinful. And painful. His boner was in a torture chamber in his jeans. Right now, though, Andrew was doing his best impression of one of those inflatable men they put outside car dealerships. You know, the really long ones that flail up and down? It was a pretty good impression, Aaron thought. "Hey, Andrew." "Andrew." He finally looked over. "What do you say we get out of here? I can take you home. I think our night's coming to an end." Aaron had meant to say 'our' on purpose – so that Andrew didn't feel patronized, Aaron sure as hell hated people talking down to him when he was drunk. Andrew smiled back. "Sure...lemme tell Lauren." "No, no, I'll tell her. You just sit here." Aaron gently put Andrew in one of the bar stools and brushed his hair back a little. Andrew closed his eyes and smiled. He looked like a puppy on morphine. "Hey, Lauren?" Lauren turned away from the circle of friends she was laughing with. "Yeah?" "I think I'm gonna take Andrew home, if that's alright." She looked at him skeptically. Aaron put his hands up in defense. "Nothing sketchy, I promise. He's so drunk he probably wouldn't be very much fun anyway. I just wanna make sure he gets home safely, I swear." He shot her his best grin. Her expression softened. "Okay, but seriously, if he wakes up anywhere but his own bed, fully clothed, I'll chop your balls off." "Kinky!" Aaron winked at her. Lauren laughed and shoved his shoulder a little. Aaron walked over and tried to get Andrew, who had slumped further into the stool, into a standing position. No small feat. The kid was probably only a couple inches shorter from his 6'2''. "I gotcha, I gotcha big guy." Andrew whimpered a little and rested on Aaron's shoulder, letting Aaron help him out of the bar and into a cab outside. He rested his head against Aaron. Aaron could feel Andrew's hair tickling his cheeks. He asked Andrew for his address. He only made a noncommittal grunt in response. Shit...this would be a long night if he gonna try and rouse Andrew enough to get his address out of him. Taking a moment of silence for his balls, he told the cab driver his address. He paid the cab driver and rustled Andrew from his sleeping position, which had now moved down to Aaron's chest. "Come on, big guy, we're home now. You're gonna sleep on my couch, doesn't that sound nice?" "Whatever you say, CHG," Andrew mumbled. CHG? What the fuck did that mean? Maybe Andrew was just drunkenly rambling. Helping Andrew up the stairs was a comedy of errors, but he finally got him into his apartment and seated on the couch. He got Andrew a glass of water and sat next to him. Aaron's curiosity got the best of him. "So...what's CHG mean?" Andrew leaned forward and traced Aaron's cheek with his fingers. "Cocky Hot Guy," he slurred. "It's my nickname for you...ever since I saw you. Can't call you Aaron." Maybe the car ride had sobered Andrew up a little. At least he was managing to form complete sentences. "Oh really? Why's that, Andrew? See, I called you by your name." "A nickname like that...it keeps you out. Can't let you get too close to here." Andrew made a flopping motion towards his chest. Aaron figured that must mean his heart. Who knew the kid would be a poetic drunk? Aaron could deal with this though. So Andrew was a little romantic, it just meant Aaron might have to work a little harder to get the goods. He wondered what other information he could pry out of Andrew in this state...never could be too prepared, right? He thought maybe he'd start with Andrew's history. Maybe he could learn a lesson or two from the past, you know? "So, why don't you tell me about those flings of yours?" Andrew's expression hardened. His eyes weren't really glassy anymore. It was like he had just realized where, and how vulnerable, he was, like a cornered animal. "I think...I think I should go." Andrew got up from the couch and stumbled a little. Aaron reached out a hand to steady him. "No, no. Don't touch me. Please." It was like Aaron was a serial killer or something. He hadn't meant to make Andrew so upset. "Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. Look, you're still pretty drunk, and a cab could take awhile to get here. Just sleep it off here on my couch, I'm gonna go to bed, okay?" Andrew's eyes glazed over again as he thought it over. "Fine," he muttered, sitting back down on the couch. "I'll go get you a blanket and stuff, okay?" "Okay." Andrew leaned back against the couch, still watching Aaron warily. By the time Aaron had gone to his room and gotten his comforter and one of his pillows off the bed, Andrew was asleep. He looked so young. In the harsh light of the apartment Aaron could see the smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose and his forehead. He put the comforter over him and gently lifted his head, putting the pillow underneath it. Andrew whimpered a little and turned on his side, pulling the comforter close to him. Aaron didn't like seeing him like this. He'd spent practically the whole day watching Andrew bounce off the walls, rambling incessantly about anything he could think of. Before he went to bed – when Aaron had mentioned Andrew's past 'flings,' it was like something had gone out inside him. Aaron ruffled Andrew's head a little and headed towards his bedroom. ************************************************************************************ January 13, 2008 They were sleeping on the couch again. They had just moved in to their two-bedroom apartment together and the new furniture hadn't arrived yet. All they had were the cardboard boxes, a coffee table, and the couch they had decided to keep. They didn't really mind it though. Andrew liked sleeping on top of Aaron, nestled into the side of the couch and Aaron's chest. He liked how one of his arms hung over the side of the couch; he liked how the other one was usually playing with Aaron's hair until he fell asleep. He was always jealous of Aaron's hair. Aaron liked how he could see Andrew rising and falling on his chest every time he took a breath. He liked how Andrew's head fit right under his chin. He liked how easily he could lean forward and kiss the top of his hair. He liked how one of Andrew's legs was usually positioned between his. That always made the mornings good. They both loved those mornings. ************************************************************************************ March 6, 2006 Andrew's head hurt. Actually, his whole body hurt. He was on a couch somewhere. He always thrashed around in his sleep when he went to bed drunk. He sat up and groaned. Fuck, he wanted a Popsicle. Or some Advil. Both would have been ideal, really. He struggled to remember where he was and how he got there. Bits and pieces began to return to him. He remembered the beginning of the night perfectly. Going to the club, seeing Cocky Hot Guy, taking shots with Cocky Hot Guy, dancing with Cocky Hot Guy. After that it started getting fuzzy. More shots, maybe? A cab ride? God, he really, really hoped he hadn't done anything embarrassing. The universe felt like dashing those hopes, though. Hearing a noise, he brought his face up from its resting position in his palms and practically flailed backwards. Was Cocky Hot Guy on the fucking living sex god workout plan or something? This was just dumb. Sure, Andrew had expected Cocky Hot Guy to be built – more built than Andrew was, at least – he was practically ripping through every t-shirt he wore. Andrew had just assumed it was because he probably bought them two sizes too small or something. But no, here Cocky Hot Guy was, smiling down at Andrew, drinking a cup of coffee, wearing nothing but some boxer briefs. And socks. And looking like he had just stepped out of Men's Health. Andrew made a gurgling noise. "How are you feeling? I hope you don't mind that you had to sleep on my couch, I tried to take you home but you couldn't really tell me your address." Andrew just stared at him some more. Making sure that he was staring at Cocky Hot Guy's face. No way was he giving him the satisfaction of checking him out. "Want some coffee? You look like you could use some." "Thanks, but I don't drink coffee. Hyper-enough already, you know?" "Yeah, from your dance moves last night I definitely know." Andrew felt himself blushing. His whole body was probably blushing at this point. "Well if you don't want coffee, do you want me to drive you home? I already broke a promise to your friend Lauren to get you home safely, I'm afraid for my safety if you don't get there soon." Andrew just nodded. He started collecting his things. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aaron had never felt so hated. Feared may have been a better description. Andrew was practically on the pavement he was sitting so far away from him in the car. He wanted to fix it. He liked Andrew – he hadn't spent that much time with him, but so far he was living up to the lofty expectations Aaron had accumulated watching him over the semester. He was funny, smart, and still really, really cute. He just wanted to bring down this shield the kid always maintained, sometimes, like when Andrew got on a tangent, Aaron could see it breaking a little. But then it was back up. Like he was holding back. He decided to make his move when he was dropping Andrew off. "Hey, " Aaron started. Andrew looked at him like Aaron was about to hit him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Hey," Cocky Hot Guy started. Andrew had had this conversation before. It always went the same – 'Hey, so, about last night, if you would do me a favor and not tell anyone,' and on and on and on. Andrew could probably have recited the lines by heart. He just hadn't expected Cocky Hot Guy to say it to him. They hadn't even hooked up, had they? He decided to make it easy on him. "Look, I won't tell anyone, alright? If anyone asks, I'll just say you were helping me out because I was so drunk, which isn't that far from the truth, right?" Cocky Hot Guy looked really, really confused. "No, no...what? No. That's not what I was going to say at all. I was going to say that I really did mean what I said in that note, about wanting more than just a hook up. I think you're really cool, Andrew." Cocky Hot Guy looked at Andrew like he should probably say something back. Andrew just gaped at him. Cocky Hot Guy went on. "We didn't hook up by the way, in case you were wondering. But look, I know what you still think of me, and I don't really know how to prove to you that I mean what I say besides taking you out for a date or something. So how about it? Dinner this week?" Andrew finally woke up from his stupor. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just say words like a normal person? "Yeah! I mean...yeah. That sounds good. Dinner sounds good, I mean." Cocky Hot Guy grinned at him. "Okay, great. How's tomorrow night sound?" "That works for me." "Cool. Well, I'll call you. Here, put your number in my phone." "Okay, there you go. Oh, and by the way, thanks. For letting me crash on the couch and stuff. I hope I wasn't too embarrassing." "No, no, not at all. No biggie." Andrew smiled and got out of the car. He turned back to wave but Cocky Hot Guy had rolled down the passenger window. "Oh, and Andrew? Make sure you put me in your phone as 'Aaron,' and not 'Cocky Hot Guy,' alright?" Cocky Hot Guy winked and sped off. Great. Just great. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aaron thought the shield might be breaking. Andrew seemed comfortable and conversation flowed easily throughout dinner – the reticence Aaron had seen Sunday morning was gone. Aaron found out that they had a lot in common with each other. Both were Psychology minors, both were from California, and they both had job offers around school waiting for them after they graduated – Andrew in marketing, Aaron in accounting. Maybe something could actually evolve out of this. It made Aaron feel a little better that there wasn't such a strict time limit, at least. He felt conflicted. He was starting to really like Andrew, but he had never really had a boyfriend before. He'd spent the last four years sleeping around, and before that, well, he hadn't been out in high school, and he doubted Kathryn really counted as a serious relationship, the bitch. Being attached didn't sound so bad...it was about time, right? It was the boundaries he was worried about. This was just all so new to him. How did relationships work? He knew the basics, in theory – it was just the doing it for real that made him nervous. Now was as good a time as any to find out, he guessed. They were paying now. They split the bill – Andrew had insisted when Aaron tried to pay. "I had a really good time tonight, Andrew." They were walking to the parking lot. Aaron didn't really want to say bye yet. The streetlamp was casting shadows against Andrew's face. "Me too." Andrew moved towards the driver's seat of his car. "This is me." As Andrew looked down to fumble in his pocket for his keys, Aaron thought to himself, "Fuck it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Andrew was pretty sure he had heard Aaron mumble something like "Fuck it," before he was being pushed against the side of his car. He felt the warmth of Aaron's body, one hand gripping the back of his neck, the other sweeping across his cheek. Aaron was kissing him. He hadn't been kissed in so long it was like he forgot what to do. It was LIKE he forgot what to do. Half a second later Andrew was opening his mouth and pushing his tongue back towards Aaron, thumbing the waistband of his jeans and grabbing Aaron's hips to bring his crotch flush with his own. He breathed deeply as their jeaned erections made brief contact. Aaron definitely wasn't slacking in that department. Glimpses Aaron pulled back. Andrew could see the lust in his eyes. How did everyone, including Aaron, have blue eyes except for him? Even Andrew's sister had blue eyes. Aren't these things supposed to be genetic? What had he learned about in biology? Punnet Squares. That's what. Why had the Punnet Squares failed him? Honestly, it was like he was the only person he knew with – Oh, fuck. Aaron was nibbling at his neck. Andrew was squirming. "Aaron..." He moaned it. MOANED it. This was getting pathetic. "Hey, you wanna come over for a little or something?" Aaron said, his thumb tracing the line of Andrew's jaw. Suddenly Andrew felt cornered again. And then stupid. Stupid for feeling cornered. This is what people do, Andrew. They date and kiss and fuck. You can't sit around being celibate for your whole life just because you got one bad hand dealt to you. Andrew still didn't want to seem too easy, though. He leaned his head against one of Aaron's arms, which were on either side of him, pinning him to the car, and tried to say something flirtatious. "I'd like to, but I probably wouldn't be able to control myself if I did." "Isn't that the idea?" Aaron grinned. Andrew chucked and sighed. "But, really, I was just thinking we could talk a little." Andrew raised his eyebrows. "Okay, okay. Well then how about another date, then?" "That sounds good," Andrew smiled. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The kid was a genius. Seriously. Who kisses like that anymore? Like you're the last person on earth. Like you're some sort of lost treasure that he's been waiting for his whole life. Aaron kind of liked that feeling. That he was a treasure. That was new. And the way Andrew had grabbed his hips – had whimpered a little and rubbed their dicks together. It was like he was innocent one second and a fucking sex kitten demon the next. And Andrew had called him by his name. That was nice to hear. This was definitely heading in a good direction. ************************************************************************************ February 27, 2012 Aaron dialed Andrew's number again. Voicemail. He considered leaving a message. He tried, after the beep. He couldn't get any words out. Only a sort of half-choking noise. He hung up. He decided to text him. Andrew hated texting, but it was better than just sitting here, wasn't it? can we talk? Short, simple. Better to save the pleading for later. ************************************************************************************ April 8, 2006 They had been dating for a month now. After that first kiss things had progressed pretty steadily. It helped, initially, that they were in a class together. They got to sit next to each other for an hour three times a week. These were probably Andrew's favorite times. Joking, typing notes to one another on their computers. He'd never paid attention less in a class before. Aaron was still enthralled. It seemed like every time he thought he had Andrew figured out there was something else that was lurking behind his boyish exterior. The kid was definitely an enigma, that was for sure. Romantic but cynical, sarcastic but caring, intelligent but clumsy – sometimes awkward. Aaron figured this was one of the good things about a relationship, getting to know someone like this. He was still a little freaked out about the boundaries though, were they allowed to hook up with other people? What were they, technically? Aaron wasn't really looking forward to that conversation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This was the night. This was definitely the night. Andrew was going to end his life as a pathetic twenty-two year old virgin. They'd gone to dinner first, and now they were making out on Aaron's couch. Aaron was lying on top of him, one leg between his. Aaron was giving him a hickey. He really didn't care. He could tell it was getting serious when they were just in their underwear. They'd traded blowjobs a couple of weeks ago, but it hadn't progressed beyond that. Andrew could feel it though – there was something different in the air. Something aggressive. Maybe it was just his imagination though. Maybe he just really, really wanted to lose his virginity. He liked Aaron. He liked him a lot. He had been building himself up for this moment. He didn't really have very many expectations – well, only a couple. But Aaron fulfilled most of them. This couch, though, didn't. "You wanna go to your bed?" "Yeah," Aaron husked. Aaron grabbed Andrew's legs and wrapped them around his waist, hoisted him up and carried him into the bedroom, setting him down before lying on top of him again. Thank God Aaron was buff. And thank God he didn't have a roommate. When Aaron moved for the lube Andrew didn't stop him. Maybe there really was some sort of unspoken thing between them. Aaron prepared him, probably not enough considering his virginity, but Andrew wasn't about to tell Aaron he was a virgin. This wasn't the time to get into that – besides, he didn't really feel like revealing how pathetic he was right now. He just wanted to feel. He just wanted to be out of his head and in this moment for once. Aaron slid a condom on. "Do you wanna turn over?" Andrew nodded no. He wanted to see Aaron's face. "Okay, baby." Aaron entered him slowly. "Jesus, you're so fucking tight." Andrew grimaced. "It's been awhile," he lied. "It's okay, I'll go slow," Aaron whispered in his ear. Andrew shifted a little, rolled his hips. "What if I don't want slow?" Aaron chuckled. "Oh, you're mine now." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I can't believe I get to meet him! The timing seriously couldn't have been better." Andrew rolled his eyes. "Yeah, almost like you planned it. Don't try and steal him from me, Michael." Andrew's cousin was visiting from a college in Northern California. Andrew was glad it was only a 5 ½ hour drive, it made visiting each other easy. Michael was comforting, in a weird way. He was everything Andrew wasn't – confident, unapologetically flirtatious, kind of a man-whore. They had bonded, naturally, being only a year apart and both gay in a huge Roman Catholic family. They had gone to the same high school for a couple of years – Michael had transferred once his family had relocated. They were lucky their families weren't the particularly religious ones. Michael was one of the constants in Andrew's life. "Oh please, when have I ever tried to do anything like that?" Andrew stared at him. "Okay, when have I ever tried to do anything like that to you?" "Well, it's not like you really had the chance before." Michael felt a pang of guilt. It wasn't easy for Andrew to let people in, and the one time he had – "I promise, I would never do that to you. And seriously, like I ever could! I may be a little slutty, but you definitely one up me in the looks department." Andrew tried to argue, but Michael cut him off. "No, seriously, don't bother, I'm not fishing for compliments. It's a plain fact, and, besides, the way you talk about him, I can tell you two really like each other." Andrew let himself smile a little. "Yeah, I mean, I'm still not getting my hopes up. I'm just glad that we're both sticking around after graduation. At least that means it won't be goodbye, goodbye. Like for real goodbye. I would hate to ask myself what if." "Remember your yearbook quote from high school?" Michael asked. "Of course. 'Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, what might have been?' I still love that quote. Remember Danielle Cruze's?" "Ugh, how could I forget. 'Every silver lining has a touch of grey' Like, seriously, was she in a secret contest for most depressing yearbook quote?" Andrew smiled. "I am excited for you to meet him though. Let's just hope I can try and maintain my sobriety for a little while this time. The last time we were out drinking together I ended up passing out on his couch." "You promised me you'd finish telling me that story!" "Here, make us some drinks, I'll finish getting dressed and you can hear the whole awful saga." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aaron was drunk. Really drunk. He hadn't meant to get this drunk. Well, maybe he had. He never was very good at controlling himself at pregames. And now here he was, wandering around the crowded club trying to spot Andrew. He had lost Jamie somewhere in the crowd. She was probably somewhere with their other friends. Some guy with spiky hair came up to him. "Hey, wanna dance?" Spiky hair was cute. A little twinky type thing. Not as cute as Andrew, though. Where the fuck was Andrew, by the way? "Nah, I'm alright." "Okay, well, if you change your mind, come find me." Spiky hair smiled and walked away. Aaron wandered around for a little while longer before he saw him. Standing by a table near one of the bars. He was whispering in another guy's ear. They looked pretty cozy. Really fucking cozy. Smiling at each other, leaning back and forth. Laughing. Aaron felt a surge of jealousy. Then anger. Should he go over there? And do what, exactly? Humiliate himself? Andrew was clearly occupied. Aaron was too fucked up for this. He turned around and walked back to the bar. He stared at his phone for a couple of seconds, pretending to text someone. Spiky hair was only a couple of people down, trying to get the bartender's attention. So what if Andrew was flirting with another guy? Aaron could play this game too. He moved his way over to spiky hair. "So, still up for a dance?" Spiky hair smiled. "Sure." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Andrew had forgotten how much he missed Michael. They probably hadn't moved from this spot near the bar for the entire night. He had been trying to spot Aaron, but he hadn't been paying too much attention – he was laughing too hard. "So, seriously Andrew, when can I meet Aaron?" "He told me he was on his way about 30 minutes ago. He spelled 'way' wrong though. I think he's pretty hammered." "Perfect, I can mess with him!" "I'd actually pay to see that. Should we try and find him?" They moved towards the crowd, scanning the faces. They were at a good vantage point, elevated a little by a set of stairs that led to the dance floor. Andrew saw Jamie and waved her over. She was probably his favorite of Aaron's friends. After Andrew introduced her to Michael, Michael wasted no time. "So, we're on the lookout for Aaron. I'm only staying for the night and I'm not leaving without meeting him." "I lost him in the crowd somewhere, I'll help you look for him!" Jamie practically shouted. God, they were playing "Get Low" way too loud. They scanned the crowd again. Andrew found him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aaron didn't know when he had started kissing spiky hair. It was like one minute they were dancing, one minute they were kissing. Spiky hair was an awful kisser. He tasted like cigarettes. And since when did spiky hair have three hands, two on Aaron's hips, one on his shoulder? The hand on his shoulder spun him around. Oh, it was Jamie. "Aaron, what the fuck are you doing?" She was pissed. Aaron staggered backwards a little. "Huh?" "You have a boyfriend, remember? Andrew? Hello? Am I making any sense to you, you drunken fuck up?" She was really pissed. Andrew. Andrew. Shit. Fuck. Andrew. But Andrew had been with that other guy. Whatever. "Whatever." "No. No whatever. You're coming with me. He's outside right now, I think you made him cry. You have to explain yourself." She grabbed Aaron's hand and practically shouted "fucking idiot," into the crowd. A couple of people looked startled. Aaron stumbled as she dragged him through the club to the outside terrace. Not many people were out here, only a couple smokers. When they realized what was about to go down, they scurried away. Andrew was sitting on a stone bench with his head in his hands. He looked so small, so sad. The same guy from inside was rubbing his back. What the fuck was he doing here? As soon as he saw Jamie and Aaron he got up and stood in front of Andrew. He glared at Aaron and shoved out his hand. "Michael." He pointed at Andrew. "His cousin." Aaron was officially the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. Andrew had told him multiple times that his cousin was coming. He actually had a couple of rants about him, mostly Aaron had tuned him out during them and stared at his lips. He should have known that that was his cousin, not some competition. Andrew hadn't been flirting. But Aaron had. And kissing. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Michael turned to Jamie and motioned a little to go back inside. Jamie stayed by the doorway though. She wanted to make sure Aaron didn't outdo himself in pure dumbassery. Aaron shuffled a little towards Andrew. "Hi." Andrew shifted his head in his hands – looked anywhere but Aaron. "Hi." Aaron wondered if he should even try and explain his colossal idiocy. When he was this wasted it would probably just make it worse, though. "Andrew, look, I'm sorry, I – " "Aaron," Andrew cut him off. "Listen, I...it's my fault, okay? I knew what I was getting into, I knew and I did it anyway. You didn't do anything wrong, you were just being yourself. It's my fault for not seeing it sooner. I should have expected this. I mean... I liked you so much I fucking gave my virginity to you, I wish I could have that back but I guess it doesn't work that way, does it? Just, it's fine. Okay? Let's just forget about it." Andrew's voice had steadily risen while he had been talking. He hadn't meant to spill the virginity beans, but now was a good a time as any. He'd failed again. Been failed again. Mostly he was mad at himself, though. Mad that he'd been so stupid. Aaron was angry. Really angry. Andrew hadn't even let him explain himself and now here he was, telling Aaron what kind of person he was. What the fuck? "What the fuck? How was I supposed to know you were some virgin who'd get obsessed with me? While he was saying it he knew how wrong it was. How hurtful it was. It didn't even really make sense. He was just so angry. So drunk, angry, and confused. He knew that he was really the one who was obsessed with Andrew. He knew how much he liked Andrew, how willing he had been to change for him. He knew how much it meant to him, secretly, that Andrew had lost his virginity to him. Then why was he saying these things? He needed a muzzle. Andrew just kind of gaped at him. A half-second later Andrew was crying. Aaron wanted to hold him, apologize, do anything. Instead he just stood there with his arms crossed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "And then I just stood there?" "You just stood there," Jamie repeated. "Then what happened?" Aaron cringed. This was getting impossible to hear. "Well, Andrew's cousin came up at that point and ushered him away. Luckily there was a back entrance so he didn't have to go sobbing through the whole club. Then you and I had it out. I basically told you what a fucking douchebag idiot loser you are." Aaron couldn't believe it. He'd woken up with very little memory of the night and a sinking feeling in his stomach. Jamie had just finished relating the night's progressively more horrific events. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" "You're a douchebag idiot loser. Seriously. You should have seen his face. I really liked him, by the way. He made you nicer. And that virgin comment. My fucking God Aaron, do you have a soul?" Jamie knew she was being harsh, but shit, Aaron fucking deserved it. He had royally, royally fucked up. Aaron put his head in his hands. He wasn't gonna let this tear fall, no fucking way. He brushed it away from his cheek quickly so Jamie wouldn't notice. "What do I do?" Jamie definitely noticed his voice breaking. She softened a little. "Try to get him back, I guess." "What if he doesn't want me back?" "Honestly, Aaron, he probably doesn't. But, that doesn't mean you can't try." *********************************************************************************** April 15, 2006 Andrew didn't feel like answering the door. He still had bed hair, was in sweatpants and had Flamin' Hot Cheetos all over his shirt. And it was 1:00 P.M. But, Lauren was in the bathroom and it might be the FedEx guy, and Andrew really, really wanted his new video game. Sacrifices had to be made – he definitely needed something to take his mind off of the events of last week. Aaron had tried to contact him since then; Andrew had ignored it all. Better to just have a clean break. He didn't need to revisit anything involving Aaron. He was having a hard time forgetting, though. Andrew opened the door, brushing away some of the Cheetos from his shirt. It was Aaron. Shit. Andrew looked like shit. Shit. Aaron was holding some kind of offering – Sour Patch Kids – Andrew's favorite candy – and an envelope, or something. Probably another note. Andrew felt a lump forming in his throat. "Hey," Aaron said. Andrew stood there. "Can I come in? I know I'm probably the last person you want to see but I really want to talk to you. Please?" Aaron looked so sad. So pathetic. Andrew almost felt bad. Then he remembered what Aaron had said to him. What Aaron had done. "I'm sorry Aaron. I...I can't. I've already been humiliated enough. I'm sorry." Andrew moved to shut the door. "Please, Andrew? Just give me a chance, please?" Andrew looked like he was almost convinced for a second. "I'm sorry." He shut the door. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aaron had stood there, outside Andrew's door, for five more minutes. He'd rung the doorbell again. Lauren came to the window and made a throat-slitting motion at him. He moved away, slowly. He considered leaving the note he wrote behind, but he figured it'd just get thrown away anyway. He'd tried to contact Andrew again. Andrew kept ignoring him. He always chose seats in class between two people so Aaron couldn't sit next to him. He practically ran out of class each day before Aaron could even try to approach him. It continued this way through graduation. Aaron had almost entirely given up hope. He just couldn't get Andrew out of his mind. They'd only been dating for a month, why was this having such a large effect on him? He tried to tell himself it was because Andrew was his first steady hookup – the first person he had truly dated. He knew that wasn't the reason, though. In the three months since graduation he had dated here and there, one guy had even lasted a couple of weeks. No one compared to Andrew, though. His sexual appetite was pretty much gone, too. He gave one guy a blowjob, mostly because he felt so bad for the guy, but besides that he was practically a monk. ************************************************************************************ August 08, 2006 He was scanning the shelves at Whole Foods now. Today was a bad day. He kept on replaying images of their brief relationship. Periodically he'd recall another instance of him being a total asshole and cringe. He hated days like this. He was passing the supplement aisle when he caught something in the corner of his eye. There he was - crouching down, looking at the different types of Fish Oil. Andrew looked good, really, really good. He was wearing an unbuttoned flannel with a soft-looking shirt underneath it, his hair was mussed in an adorable way and he looked very, very deep in thought. Aaron debated going up to him or not. He had to. He just had to. He knew they would run into each other eventually, living in the same city. He would have to talk to him sometime. "Andrew," he called out. Woah, that was way too loud. Inside voice, Aaron, inside voice. Andrew looked, up, startled, and then steeled his expression. "Aaron, hi." Glimpses "You shop here too, huh?" Yes, Aaron, he shops here too. What else would he be doing here? Idiot. Aaron hadn't meant to sound that stupid. "Yeah." Andrew gave a hesitant smile. "Well, it was nice seeing you Aaron. I guess I'll see you around." Andrew turned around and practically ran away. He left his Fish Oil behind. ************************************************************************************ September 9, 2006 It was a month before they saw each other again. "Annnnddddrrrreeeeeewwwwww! I have someone I want you to meet!" God, Gaby was annoying sometimes. She'd been trying to set Andrew up with her never-ending stream of gay friends ever since she'd found out Andrew's sexual orientation a couple of weeks into working at the office. She'd dragged him to the gallery opening today in Santa Monica. It wasn't really his scene, and now she was trying to set him up with someone, again. Andrew reminded himself that she was only doing it to be nice. "Okay, Gaby, but seriously, if this one doesn't work out I should probably be one of your lost causes." Andrew really hoped Gaby would agree. "Oh please, like I could ever give up on you! You're just too picky. I guess you can afford to be though, you're so adorable." How could Andrew think Gaby was annoying when she said things like that? "Now, this one's special, alright? I met him through a friend a couple of weeks ago. He's a total hottie – I'm still trying to attract him to the fairer sex. But anyway, I'll go and get him!" she squealed. Oh yeah, that's how. Andrew turned to look at the art on the wall. He wasn't picky, he was just...guarded. That was the word. He pretended to be interested in the canvas in front of him. It was blank with a red dot in the corner. Andrew looked at the title. "Abstractions of Death." Oh, please. Gaby tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around. "Andrew, meet Aaron!" You have got to be fucking joking. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aaron had recognized the cowlick when Gaby had started dragging him over. When she started talking Andrew up he knew it was definitely him. He didn't feel like stopping her though. Now he was standing there, hands in his pockets, staring at Andrew. "Yeah, actually...we know each other, Gaby," Andrew said. "Oh, well, then, perfect! I'll leave you two to it." Gaby was really dense sometimes. Aaron walked up and stood next to Andrew. He stared at the painting in front of them. "'Abstractions of Death,' huh?" Andrew gave a tenuous smile. "Yeah, pretty ridiculous, right?" "Yeah." Aaron looked over at Andrew. All he wanted to do was kiss him. He missed him so much. "You wanna get out of here, maybe get some coffee or something?" Andrew asked. "I'm not really one for the art here." Well, that was unexpected. Aaron smiled. "You don't drink coffee, remember? You're too hyper already." "I can get hot chocolate," Andrew smiled back. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They were lying on top of Aaron's bed, fully clothed. They'd left the gallery right after Andrew had suggested coffee. Gaby could barely contain the glee on her face. Catching up had been easy. They had both laughed, a lot. They'd each forgotten how much they missed each other. Or maybe they were just letting themselves remember for the first time in a while. Now that they were alone together, though, there was still the underlying tension – the memory of how they'd last left things. They were silent. Andrew was staring at the ceiling. Aaron was propped up on his elbow, staring at Andrew and tracing patterns in the comforter. "Andrew, I – " Andrew tried to interrupt him. Andrew didn't know how he'd let himself get here, again. He'd been kicking himself all night. A louder, larger part had kicked back though. This night had made him happy – for the first time in a long time, he was really happy. "No, no. Let me finish, please?" Andrew nodded. "I just wanted to tell you...for the past months, ever since that night, I kept on replaying our fight over and over in our mind. I thought I'd get over you eventually but, I just...can't. I don't have an excuse for what I did or how I acted. I was drunk, and stupid and jealous for no reason. And scared, scared of what we were becoming, I guess. None of those are excuses though. I'm so sorry." Andrew had stopped looking at the ceiling and was staring at Aaron now. Aaron was looking down at the blanket. He looked up. "Why? Why didn't you tell me you were a virgin?" Andrew was startled. He hadn't really expected that to be the main question on Aaron's mind. "I don't know, I mean...I guess I didn't want you to think I was pathetic, or something. Twenty-two is a little late, you know? I didn't want you to feel bad for me. I didn't want..." Andrew exhaled. Gave up trying to explain. He turned on his side to face Aaron. Aaron replied, "If you had told me I would have tried, I would have made it special, better...different." Aaron felt so guilty. Not only had he taken Andrew's virginity and probably lasted about 15 minutes shorter than he would have liked, but he'd been a total asshole to him afterwards. He swallowed back the lump in his throat. "It was special. It was special to me." Andrew reached out and touched Aaron's cheek. Andrew was crying now. Not the ugly type of crying, just a couple of tears trickling down his cheek and landing on the bed below. Aaron reached out, tentatively wrapped an arm around Andrew's waist and dragged him across the bed towards him. He put his arms around him, tucked Andrew's head beneath his chin. "I missed you so much, Andrew." Andrew just clutched Aaron, pulled them even closer together. They fell asleep like that, on top of the bed with all their clothes still on. They didn't even brush their teeth. They always joked about their morning breath after that. ************************************************************************************ June 13, 2007 They'd been dating for nine months now. Well, re-dating for 9 months. Andrew had joked that it was just enough time for them to give birth to the demonic baby that was their relationship. Aaron thought it was time. They were lying on Aaron's couch. The credits to Beauty and the Beast were rolling by. Aaron shut off the TV, sat up so Andrew wasn't lying on his chest anymore, more like sitting in his lap. "Hey, babe?" Andrew smiled at him. He always loved when Aaron called him that, even though he'd sworn he hated pet names before. "Yeah?" "Why don't you ever talk about who you were with before me? I mean, I feel like I've given you my whole sordid history. And it's pretty sordid. Why can't you tell me about yours?" Andrew grimaced, gave a half smile. He sighed. He knew this moment would come eventually. He was pretty proud of himself for managing to put it off for nine months. "Well, hmm, where to begin." Andrew looked for something in the room to fixate on, so he could focus on that while he got the story out. He felt like it always helped. "I guess there's really only one story to tell. "I was a sophomore. I was at a frat party, Lauren dragged me to it. Anyway, I was pretty drunk by the end of the night. Even though I hated to admit it at the time it was pretty fun. I was walking towards the bathrooms when this guy came up behind me and put his arm around me. He started going into this weird rant at me...about how I thought I was too cool for him. "Apparently he had been in my hall freshman year, in the dorms. I remembered him then. I remember thinking how hot he was those first couple of weeks of school." Aaron winced. He didn't really like hearing that part of the story, but, whatever. "Anyway, he kept on going on and on about how I never spent any time in the dorms back then. I was surprised he even remembered me. Little did he know I was trying to escape my freshman year roommate, the asshole. But, anyway, he wheedled me into the bathroom, still talking. He shut the door and locked it, dragged me into a stall and just started making out with me. At this point I'd only ever been kissed a couple of times before, in high school, so I just tried to go with it. He kept on whispering things to me, cute things, about how he'd been watching me freshman year, how I was the cutest gay guy he'd ever seen, blah, blah, blah. "I thought at the time that it'd just be a one time thing. We didn't exchange numbers or anything, so I figured, what the hell, he was probably just drunk right? Well, it turned out that Lauren had hooked up with someone that same night too. Someone she ended up really liking. Needless to say I was dragged back to the frat many times after that." Andrew shifted his eyes back to Aaron, made brief eye contact. Aaron nodded. He went on. "His name was Scotty. We kept on hooking up for the rest of that year. It was just drunken at first, but pretty soon he was sneaking me around, texting me when I'd be studying and he'd be coming home from a night out. Meanwhile, he was still hooking up with girls. At least, that's what Lauren told me. I was dumb, I liked the attention so I let him toy with me. Sometimes he could be so nice. I knew that he'd never come out, but, it was my first...anything. I wasn't really thinking clearly, I guess." Andrew sighed. "So, that continued for a while. Over the summer we didn't see each other since I went back home, but when we came back junior year we started right where we left off. I guess I had grown a backbone or something over the summer, because I started telling him that I wouldn't just sneak around with him all the time. Maybe being back at home, feeling free for a while had given me time to clear my head. I don't know. "He was apologetic at first, said he'd make it up to me. But then he'd just start getting angry. Frustrated." Andrew looked down at his lap. Started toying with the button on his shirt. "Anyway, one night, he wanted to have sex. This was a pretty big step, for him and me. Before that, gay sex had always freaked him out. He told me he watched some porn and changed his mind. When we were in the moment though, in his bed, I just couldn't do it. We were both a little drunk. It wasn't really how I had envisioned losing my virginity. Not to him. Not to some guy that I was practically invisible to when I wasn't sucking his dick." Andrew was taken aback by the bitterness he heard in his own voice. He kept staring at his lap. "I told him I changed my mind. He freaked. He started getting angry, asking me why he wasn't good enough for me, why I always acted like such a slut before and now was getting prude." Andrew felt his voice waver. "I told him that we were over. That I couldn't take it anymore. That set him off. When he grabbed me I pushed him away. He punched me. Started calling me a fag. He kicked me in the stomach a couple of times. Then all of a sudden he just stopped hitting me – just sat on his bed. I took my chance and left. I ended up with a broken nose and a fractured rib." Andrew tapped the bump on his nose. "They told me they could fix it with plastic surgery. I said I would keep it. I kinda like how it looks anyway." Andrew smiled a little. The button was barely attached to his shirt now. "Luckily it was just a hairline fracture in my rib. I was lucky, too, that no one saw me limping out of the frat. I can't imagine what would have happened then. "I told my parents I got mugged." Andrew let out a watery sigh. "After that I pretty much swore myself to celibacy. I was so scared. I couldn't even be alone in my room unless the door was locked. Pretty pathetic, huh?" He was still looking at his lap. The button had fallen off. He settled for absentmindedly scratching his fingers together, rubbing the button in his palm. "I guess that all changed when I met you. I really didn't think it would, but...it did." He looked up at Aaron for a second. He was afraid he might lose it. Andrew hugged him tightly, looked at the blank wall beyond him. Aaron didn't think he'd breathed once during the entire story. He finally let himself relax, clutching Andrew to his chest. He turned his head into Andrew's neck, resting it in the crook between his shoulder and chin. "I love you," Aaron said. Andrew cried then. He felt the tears spilling down his cheek. Why was he always crying? God, he was a baby. He let Aaron's words wash over him though. They hadn't said it to each other yet. Both of them knew it, but they just hadn't said it. "I love you, too." Andrew smiled, shut his eyes, and let himself drift. *********************************************************************************** October 17, 2007 "You look great." Aaron straightened his collar again. Andrew chuckled. "No, seriously, you do. You look great." "What if they don't like me?" Aaron whined. Andrew had never seen him like this. "Have you ever heard me on the phone with my mom? You listened to her reaction when I told her she was going to meet you. She practically tried to eat the phone she was so excited." Alright, so that was true. She had sounded pretty excited. "Well, what about your dad?" "My dad will love you too. He doesn't show it very well, but he couldn't hate you if he tried. I love you, and they know that. And that's what's important." They were pulling up to Andrew's house now. Andrew got out of the driver's seat. Aaron was still sitting in the car. Andrew smiled to himself. "Seriously, Aaron? They're just my parents!" "Yeah, just your parents. Easy for you to say," Aaron muttered. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Andrew was right. They had loved him. After Andrew's mom ran out of the house and almost tackled Aaron, yelling something about finally getting to meet him after a whole YEAR (she yelled that in Andrew's direction), and Andrew's dad had shook his hand, smiling, before pulling Aaron into an awkward hug, everything had been easy. Almost too easy. Aaron suddenly understood where Andrew got most of his personality traits. Besides the slight, residual insecurity that still lingered from his past, Andrew was a perfect amalgamation of his parents. He got his bouncing energy from his mom, his warm, caring compassion from his dad, and his sarcasm from them both. They were sitting on the couch now. Andrew's mom was fiddling with her iPhone. "Mom, can you please put that away? We're talking here!" "Sorry, sorry honey, you know how I love to text now that you taught me." Andrew rolled his eyes and smiled. That was another thing Aaron admired about Andrew. When he was with you, he was with you. Aaron couldn't think of very many times when Andrew had so much as texted when they were together. Sure, when it was an emergency or when Aaron was in the bathroom. But when they were together, on dates? Just lying in bed? Never. Aaron felt a little guilty, thinking to how he was sometimes glued to his phone. People in high school used to call him 'one-track.' He wasn't very good at multitasking. He grabbed Andrew's hand. Squeezed it. They sat like that for a while longer, talking and drinking wine. Andrew made an exaggerated yawning motion. "Looks like someone's ready for bed," Aaron said. "Now, now, you two, no funny business." Andrew's mom winked at Aaron. Later, at the end of the weekend, when they were lying in bed, dreading the long drive back down to Los Angeles the next day, Aaron just blurted it out. "Will you move in with me?" He paused. "I know it's kind of early, you know, only a year, but I -" Andrew squealed and jumped at him, pinning him to the bed. Andrew kissed him long and hard, gripping the back of Aaron's neck, pulling him close to him and straddling him with his thighs. "Of course," he breathed. Aaron bit his lip and smiled. "We might have to find a new place though. I'm thinking," Andrew did an exaggerated pensive face, "two bedrooms, Santa Monica?" "It sounds perfect," Aaron replied. "We can look at places once we get back to the city." Andrew suddenly looked serious. "Does this mean we have keep that couch?" Aaron smiled. "We definitely have to keep that couch. It's my lucky couch!" "How can a couch even be lucky? It's awful." "It was lucky for me. You slept on it, remember?" "Corrrrrnnyyyyyy," Andrew replied. He was grinning. ************************************************************************************ December 05, 2011 Andrew was pissing him off again. He was rambling, animatedly talking about something Aaron didn't even care about. "- I mean, what is the peak time for PB&J's anyway? I think any time after 7:00 is way too late to eat one, by nature they're a daytime food, if you think about -" Aaron looked up from his iPhone and interrupted him. "Jesus, do you ever shut the fuck up?" That was probably harsher than it needed to be. Andrew smile disappeared. He shut his mouth and got a vacant expression on his face. Aaron tried to make a joke out of it. He chuckled a little. "Seriously, Andrew, what drove you to grace me with this particular rant?" Andrew didn't get the joke. "I don't know, Aaron, maybe if you talked to me once in a while." Andrew looked away. "Really?" Aaron replied. Andrew didn't say anything. Aaron looked back at his iPhone, pretended not to notice Andrew was getting misty eyed. Andrew got up and walked into their bedroom. ************************************************************************************ January 13, 2012 "I think we should have an open relationship." Aaron was never very good at tact. Andrew was turned on his side, facing away from Aaron. He was silent. Aaron continued. "I mean, I just feel like we've gotten so routine, you know? I'd only want to do it if we both wanted to. I'm just...kinda bored. I don't know." Andrew kept looking at the wall. He was still silent. "I guess bored isn't the right word, I've just been feeling like – " Andrew cut him off. "Okay," he said. His voice was cold. Aaron paused. "Okay," he replied. He turned on his side, facing the other direction. ************************************************************************************ March 15, 2012 Aaron couldn't get anyone to tell him where Andrew was. Andrew's parents were cordial but firm. They told him repeatedly they hadn't spoken to Andrew since he'd called them, shaken about his and Aaron's relationship. He thought about calling Jamie, but over the years she'd come to adore Andrew. She'd probably just yell at him. He felt alone. Aaron kept feeling more and more lost. Lauren wouldn't even pick up his calls. He knew she was the key. Even though Andrew and her had stopped seeing as much of each other after college she was still his best friend - besides Aaron, at least. She would know, she had to. But she wouldn't talk to him. He wandered around in a daze for a couple of weeks. Andrew still hadn't come back to pick up the rest of his stuff. It had looked like he had packed in a hurry. Taken all the essentials. He'd left some things too, though. He had taken a framed picture of him and Aaron. Aaron remembered the picture. They were smiling, Aaron standing behind Andrew, arms wrapped around his chest. Andrew had kept it in his apartment before they had moved in together. At least he had taken that. That gave Aaron hope, as long as it wasn't sitting in a dumpster or an incinerator somewhere. The more Aaron thought about it, the angrier he got. Andrew still hadn't responded to any of his messages or calls, he must have left him dozens of voicemails. He still hadn't even talked to Aaron about what to do with Bella. That got to him. The logistics of dealing with who got their dog – that made it so real. He remembered the first day they got her, a year and a half ago. Back when they'd been happy. No one had warned him that they might have to have a custody dispute over her someday. Glimpses God, he was so angry. But, over the weeks when Andrew ignored him, he was given time to think. Once he got past the anger, he was just overcome with an overwhelming sadness. And guilt. He was the reason Andrew had left. He was the one who had ignored him – let stupid, meaningless things become more important than him. He was the one who let his priorities go. It had just become so easy, so routine. He'd lost Andrew somewhere in that routine. They'd lost each other. He had to get him back. ************************************************************************************ March 20, 2012 Lauren finally returned his calls – three weeks to the day after Andrew left. Aaron wondered if she had planned that. She was always one for theatrics. Aaron hoped he hadn't ruined the friendship he had formed with her over the years of dating Andrew. He would need it if this was going to work. Aaron picked up on the second ring. "Lauren!" He almost shouted. "Hey, Aaron." She sounded cold. Flat. "Hey – " Aaron didn't really know where to begin. "Andrew just left to get groceries. He's been staying with me. He'd kill me if he knew I was talking to you right now. I just can't see him like this anymore. He needs closure from you, Aaron." "Closure?" What the fuck was that supposed to mean? That they were over? That there was no hope? How does a person even get 'closure?' Aaron tried not to get mad. "I've been trying to contact him, Lauren. Every, single day. He's been ignoring me." Aaron couldn't help but sound bitter. Lauren sighed. "I know, Aaron. Look – I don't think you were ever good for him. Ever good enough for him. I think he needs to move on. I think he just needs to see you one last time, maybe realize that you aren't the knight in shining armor he keeps remembering you as." Aaron couldn't help but wonder if Lauren had played a part in Andrew ignoring him this far. Who the fuck was she to decide what Andrew needed, what he deserved? That was up to Andrew. And Aaron. He wasn't giving up without a fight. He steeled his voice. "Okay. What's your idea, then?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lauren didn't feel good about ambushing Andrew like this, especially at a club. He would have never agreed to meet Aaron if she had suggested it though. How did he expect to get over him if he wouldn't even talk to him? What did he think, that he could just leave a note and run away? At least this way, even if Andrew was pissed at her afterwards, he'd have some sense of closure. She hated using that word, but what else was she supposed to call it? She'd just sit with him at the club, maybe take her leave if some hot guy came and hit on Andrew, and wait for Aaron to show up. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Andrew wondered again why he'd let himself get dragged here. He was 27-years-old and he felt like he was ancient. Who was passing out fake IDs like candy these days? He swore he just saw a 16-year-old walk by. And where the fuck was Lauren? He fiddled with the lime on his drink. She had told him he needed to get out, needed to start moving on. He didn't want to move on. He couldn't imagine his life without Aaron. He just couldn't stand being second in his life anymore. Second to everything else, his job, his fucking iPhone, second to the random sex Aaron was so desperate to have that he would actually suggest an open relationship. Andrew was still pissed about that one. He remembered one time when they had argued about it – towards the end. Aaron had asked Andrew if Andrew was content having only ever really been with one guy. Andrew told him he was. Aaron had scoffed at him, like it was the most absurd thing in the world. "Right, so that's why we haven't fucked in a week, right?" Aaron had asked. Andrew had to give him that, at least. They hadn't. Andrew just couldn't really get his sex drive back up. Not after everything that had happened. Not after they had started disintegrating. He couldn't tell which had come first – the sadness, the tumult in their relationship – or the lack of sex, but it didn't matter now, they were so entwined it was pointless trying to figure it out. He went back to fiddling with the lime. He just wanted things to go back – back to the way they were. They had been so happy. Why did life have to get in the way? Why couldn't they just freeze a moment and live in it forever? Andrew thought about when they went to the zoo – when a giraffe had leaned its neck over the railing, tried to eat some of Aaron's hair when they were posing for a picture. Andrew called him 'hayhead' for the whole day after that. "Hey, hayhead!" They had made out in the car like teenagers in the parking lot afterwards. They had still had cotton candy on their faces. Why couldn't they just pick a time and stay that way – never get angry or mean or sad? He knew he was being childish. He let himself ask why anyway. Lauren was finally walking back to the table. She had a mischievous look in her eye. "So, I made a special request for you, and hottie DJ over there thinks you're fiiiiineeeeeeeeee!" She pointed in the direction of the DJ booth. A guy gave him a thumbs up. He was hot. Not really Andrew's type, though. Andrew shrugged. "Oh, come on! Just wait till you hear what I requested!" The song that had been playing was ending. "Bounce" by Calvin Harris came on. Andrew loved this song, back when its lyrics weren't so close to home. I can't believe it, every day and every night It's gettin' better with you outta my life It's like I flicked a switch and now I'm feeling good No way to stop it, now you wish that you could When the weekend comes I know I'll feel alive You will be the last thing on my mind No regrets, do you know what that means? Lauren grinned at him expectantly. She meant well, she really did. She just didn't understand. Andrew half-smiled at her, waved at the DJ when he looked over again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aaron entered the club hesitantly. Almost like he didn't belong there. Jesus, he was either getting really old or the drinking age had just been lowered to 18. He tried to grapple his way through the sweating mass of people. A guy tried to dance with him. He practically shoved him off. He finally made it to the bar. He turned around and tried to scan the crowd. He still hadn't texted Lauren like he told her he would. He didn't want her fucking things up. He saw Andrew, then. Sitting alone, playing with his drink. He looked so amazing. Aaron forgot how handsome Andrew really was. He had started taking it for granted, over the years, he guessed. Forgetting that the guys he was checking out at the gym and on the street were nothing compared to what he had at home. What he could have had forever. Aaron felt sadness overcome him. Overwhelming sadness. He ordered a beer. He had to plan this. He had to make this work. He spotted Lauren, then. She was making her way back to the booth Andrew was in. She was grinning. She was going to be his biggest obstacle tonight, that was for sure. Besides convincing Andrew to take him back. "Bounce" by Calvin Harris started playing. No, no, no. This song could not be playing right now. Aaron knew it was one of Andrew's favorite dance songs. He also knew that its lyrical message was not what he wanted Andrew to hear right now. He made his way over to the DJ booth. "Hey!" The DJ was staring into the crowd in Andrew's direction. "Hey!" Aaron repeated. The DJ looked over at him. "Can I make a request?" The DJ didn't smile back. "Sure," he replied. "'Milkshake'?" The DJ laughed at him. "You've gotta be kidding, man. No way." Aaron shook his head. "Fine. 'Waiting for Tonight'?" The DJ laughed again. "What is this, the 90's? No way. Sorry, dude." Aaron idly wondered if the DJ knew when "Milkshake" was even released. He also wondered how the DJ would have reacted if it had been Andrew making the requests. Aaron thought on his feet. Okay. So the guy wanted contemporary. He could do that. "Okay, whatever man. How about "Drowning" by Armin Van Buuren?" The DJ nodded at him. "I can do that." "The Avicii Remix!" Aaron yelled. "Yeah, yeah, I know the one." The DJ shrugged him off. Aaron went back to the bar to finish his beer. He had to time this perfectly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Andrew noticed the guy checking him out. He looked kind of like Aaron. Blonde hair, blue eyes, strong jaw. Maybe that was the reason Andrew was returning his glances. He came over to the table, asked Lauren if he could sit next to her. Lauren got a gleam in her eye. "No, no, I was just about to go to the ladies' room, here, take my seat." The guy sat down. In the light Andrew could see he didn't look like Aaron at all. Not really. He was just some imitation. He tried to keep the pleasant look on his face. "I love this song!" the guy shouted. "Yeah, me too," Andrew replied. Andrew went back to looking at his drink. He wasn't trying to be rude. "I'm James." The guy held his hand out. "Andrew." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, now his plan was fucking shot. Some blonde had swooped in on Andrew while Aaron was chugging his beer, waiting for the song to change. Shit, when was this fucking song gonna be over? He looked over at the DJ booth. He waited some more. He could finally tell the song was close to ending. His request came on. At least the DJ had listened to him. It was now or never. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fuck, this song reminded him of Aaron. Rush, pull me under The world is at my feet and it's no wonder   Your eyes speak to me They tell me be calm They tell me be strong Swimming out so deep Now I can't breathe And it's exactly where I belong He remembered dancing with Aaron to this song. That had been a good night. He looked up from his drink. He must have been seeing double. Pseudo-Aaron was standing next to a not so pseudo Aaron. Fuck. That was Aaron. The real Aaron. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aaron had timed it perfectly. He walked up to the table right when the chorus had started. It was probably the first thing that had gone his way over the past three weeks.   'Cause it feels like the ride of a lifetime And nothing's gonna save us now Let the waves come crashing down 'Cause it feels like I'm right for the first time And every time I take you in I feel my heart skip a beat again I'm drowning in your love.   Andrew had looked up right at the perfect moment. Right when it said "take you in." Aaron thanked the fucking universe. He knew Andrew loved this romantic stuff. It was practically fate. This was going really, really well so far. Now all he had to do was get rid of blondie. And talk to Andrew. He hoped the universe liked him for a little while longer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aaron was whispering something into what's-his-name's ear. What's-his-name got a weird look on his face, looked at Andrew and scampered away. Andrew didn't really want to know what Aaron had said to him. Aaron sat down at the table across from him, put his elbows up and gave Andrew a tenuous smile. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lauren was standing at the bar, staring at Andrew and Aaron from across the club. She shrugged to herself. At least they were talking. She hadn't meant to be so harsh to Aaron on the phone, she just hated seeing Andrew unhappy. She just wanted to see the old him come back. She felt like she hadn't seen that Andrew in a while. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aaron decided it was his turn to ramble for once. "Andrew, I love you. I love you so much." What a way to start, right? When Andrew just kept staring at his drink, Aaron dove right in. "I fucked up. I fucked up so badly. I...I forgot what was important. I let all the bullshit get in the way...of us. I let it all get in the way of the most important thing in my life. You've always been the most important thing in my life – I just lost sight of that. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry for being such an idiot. I'm so sorry for not doing more. You were always there for me and I didn't see that – I didn't understand how rare that is, to get to have someone like you in my life. " Andrew paused, considered Aaron for a moment. "Aaron – it's just...you're remembering this all wrong. You make it sound like you're the only one who's to blame. I'm to blame too. I was needy, whiny, dramatic. Maybe I just expected too much. But it was both of us. Don't make me sound perfect or something. I wasn't. I'm not." "You were perfect .You are perfect. You're perfect to me." Andrew looked back down at his drink. He couldn't hide the small smile though. Aaron loved saying things like this to Andrew. He loved the look in Andrew's eyes. He was always jealous that Andrew was such a romantic – could let the world in so much that he could dream and swoon and feel. He'd never admit that though. He realized, then, that he wasn't just saying it for Andrew's sake. He hadn't ever really been saying it just for Andrew's sake. He believed it too. Somewhere along the road, when Andrew had been lying on his shoulder, or sitting on his lap, or hogging all the popcorn in the movies, or taking Aaron's phone away when he wouldn't stop texting when they were together, or showing him funny videos of cats – somewhere along the way, in the everyday, the ordinary – in the midst of all those little events that he took for granted, that he thought didn't matter – he had become a romantic too. All those days he had just thrown away, all those glimpses of their relationship that he would never get back – could never get back. How many days had he sat with Andrew by his side, not giving him all that he could? And now he was sitting with Andrew again, and he had lost him. And all he wanted was for him to be back. For them to have the everyday – the ordinary. He could live with that – he could live with routine because, for the first time, he wasn't looking at it as a routine anymore. Every day with Andrew was different – just like that fucking cowlick of his – every day was different because every day they were different. Every day together they grew a little more, became a little more like each other. Every day they were caught in the middle of this fantastic fucking relationship – this relationship that had lasted five years and made Aaron happier than he'd ever been. And he'd thrown it all away. Well, fuck this. He wasn't throwing it away anymore. He didn't know how to convey that all to Andrew though. Not with words, anyway. He never was the articulate one. He reached across the table, grabbed the back of Andrew's neck and pulled him in for a kiss. It was gentle. Slow. He pulled away, rested his forehead against Andrew's. "Do you wanna get out of here?" Aaron asked. "Are you sure you won't get too bored?" Andrew replied. He couldn't help it. He knew it was immature, but he just needed more. More reassurance, he guessed. He felt like he was surrendering too easily. But, weren't they past that now? All the stupid games of who gives in to whom? He hoped so. The past three weeks had been torture for him. Moping around Lauren's in a daze. Aaron felt another stab of guilt. How could he have ever said that to Andrew? That he was getting bored? Why had he chosen the most extreme route, suggesting an open relationship when, if he had just been paying attention, he wouldn't have been bored at all? "How could I ever get bored with you?" His voice trembled a little. He hoped Andrew heard how much he meant it. "Besides, it's definitely not boring watching your face while I fuck you." Aaron gave him a huge smile. Andrew leaned back – pretended to be scandalized. They ended up just cuddling that night. The morning after was probably the best sex of Aaron's life, though. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They both agreed after that that they would start taking it one day at a time – going slow. Rekindling what was there before. It was working. Gestures of affection, time to sit around and do nothing with each other, lots and lots and lots of sex. Everything they had before. One day at a time. But Aaron had decided that they would always take it one day at a time – from now on, he was never going to let the days run together, not like he did before. He didn't tell Andrew that – Andrew already lived his life that way, he figured. Aaron took each day as a challenge. How could he make Andrew happy? How could he make him smile? Smile the way Andrew made Aaron smile? Aaron loved a challenge. ************************************************************************************ September 22, 2022 Andrew had stopped carrying around Aaron's note in his wallet, the one he had written him in that psychology class 16 years ago. He and Aaron had put it in a little frame, placed it on the nightstand. Aaron's note in front, and behind it, the note Andrew had written Aaron. The one when he had tried to say goodbye. They knew they were being sentimental, but neither of them cared. It was good to have them there, right by the bed. They were glimpses, two small glimpses of their relationship, the one thing they would always have together, the one thing that had changed and shaped each of their lives so much. They lied in bed that night, exhausted from moving all of the new furniture into the baby's room, testing the baby monitor by doing Darth Vader impressions back and forth to each other. They laughed so hard they thought they might lose feeling in their stomachs. They paused. Aaron looked over at Andrew. "I love you," he said. He must have said it hundreds of thousands of times by now. Each time he said it though, he tried to think about it. Think about what it really meant. Why he really meant it. He didn't have to think for very long. Andrew smiled back at him. "Eh, you're alright. Kinda boring though. You're nothing compared to this guy I once knew, anyway. I never did find out his name. I'll always remember him as Cocky Hot Guy, though." Andrew's smile turned into a grin. Glimpsing Into Heaven I have a gay friend of mine, Kevin, who is 23 and has never been to Provincetown! And considering that he doesn't live more than 100 miles away, the entire concept must really be unbelievable! But it's true. Now, I've been thinking of going up myself; but was debating whether-or-not to bring him along. The problem, you see, is that I love him. "Problem?" You ask. Yes, considering I've been with my lover, David, for almost three years. Kevin and I have had many problems; trying to control the feelings we have for each other and keeping our relationship as only "friends". I'm the one who usually breaks first, being very weakened by the whole situation, and always the one that gets hurt. Ever since Kevin told me this, I've always wanted to be the first person to bring him there, but I've always put it off. You see, Kevin is very attractive and unattached. For me to bring him there, would run the risk of getting hurt, if he were to meet someone. Well, on this particular morning, one of my rare days off, I decided to go there with him. It was one of my stronger days and I thought I could deal with anything that might happen. I called him at around nine, to see if he wanted to go. Needless to say, he did. He asked if I could bring my sleeveless "Union Jack" tee-shirt for him to wear. I was taken a back for a moment. This is from someone who used to work at a clothing store, and has 10 times as many clothes as I! I agreed. He would need an hour to get ready; being one who "primps". I got ready in about 15 minutes, and packed everything we would need: towels, blanket, a change of clothes, brush, condoms; all the essentials. I wore a pair of tight, blue shorts and my grey, sleeveless Yes "90125" concert tee-shirt, light blue socks and my low, Nike sneakers. After finishing my fourth and final cup of coffee, I loaded up the car and was on my way to pick him up. I stopped for gas first. By the time I got to his house, he was already outside waiting for me (a rarity). He was wearing his acid- washed, Levis cut-offs (with tears in all the right places), and a pair of high, Nike's. He was holding a Newport in one hand and a his brush in the other. I don't think I've ever seen him without that brush. Kevin McCann is about an inch or two shorter than I; 6'3". He has long black hair; always perfectly in place. Brown eyes and a moustache. His tan is better than mine; seeing that he took the summer off from working. He climbed over the passenger door and into the car. I drive a maroon, '74 MGB. "What's up?" he asked with a huge grin. I broke. I thought I'd be able to do this, but I can't. I thought I'd be strong enough, but I'm not. Don't let it show. Do it. I gave him my standard, "Not much." "Did you bring the shirt?" he asked. "Yeah. It's in the bag behind your seat." He found it and put it on. It never looked better. I pushed the tape into the player and we were on our way, regardless of my weakness and misgivings. It took a little less than two hours to get there, which is about normal. All the while I was concerned if the car would make it; being the first long, haul that I took it on since I put it back on the road earlier this year. It performed wonderfully. My prayers certainly didn't hurt. "Are you ready for this?" I asked, excitedly, as were neared the city limits. "Yeah." He nodded with approval, a twinkle in his eye. As we past the "Now Entering Provincetown" sign, I screamed. "HERE IT IS!!" I always did have a flair for the dramatics. Well, it was like taking a sugar-addict to the candy store. The tour began with a couple of drives down Commercial Street. The first, with his favourite song playing, "Baba O'Riley" by the Who. The second, with mine, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard. Kevin just gazed from one side of the street to the other; his eyes full of wonder. "This is Heaven," I said. "I can see why," he replied. "You know, Kevin, you should keep your mouth closed. It's very unbecoming," I razzed. "You, bastard!" He laughed and hit me. We parked the car in one of the public lots on Bradford Street, and walked back to Commercial, where we began the heavy task of "just browsing". We spent about two hours, walking up and down and up Commercial Street. We must have looked into every clothing store. Of course, we also made the cursory stops at "Remembrance Of Things Past", "Shop Therapy" and the Army/Navy store. I did see a shirt that I wanted to buy, but it would have to wait until later; being on a limited budget. If, after the day was over, I had enough money left, I would get it. I enjoy being with Kevin. Walking around P-Town with a cute guy by your side can make one feel, proud. I don't know if that's the right word to describe the sensation. It's a strange feeling, watching people's heads turn and the whispering to others. He's a great "looker". I was getting very excited, just watching him walk in front of me. There is a large tear in his shorts (I would not doubt it, one bit, if he put it there himself. He's the kind of person who would.), in the back, giving a wonderful view of one of his naked cheeks. When he wears them, he either has a g-string or nothing else on. I later found out, that there was "nothing else". Needless to say, I did a lot of "lagging behind" that day. By this time, I was getting very hungry; having not eaten anything today. We stopped at a restaurant (I forget the name. It was utterly forgetable.) and I had a burger and a couple Bloody Mary's. Kevin had a huge breakfast in the morning and resigned himself to a couple bottles of beer, Bud of course. It was nearing three-thirty when we finished, time to go to the Boatslip. Along the way, I pointed out the "Meat Rack" and Spiritus. I also tried my best to explain the "Tea-Dance" to him, a concept he had never heard of. The "Tea-Dance" had only a small gathering. Well, it was a Thursday, and late in the season, at that. But it was a good-looking group, none-the-less. We walked around a bit and then sat down on one of the raised areas on the deck and consumed a few beers each. We pointed out all the cute guys to each other, with comments like: "I'm in love!" "Oh, God, look at him!" "What are you doing tonight?" A couple of guys were sitting outside on their balcony. One got up and was only wearing a towel. I mock yelled "Take it off!!" Kevin laughed. He went back in his room. "No! Come back!! Oh, I'm in love," I lamented "I wanna stay," I announced to Kevin. He just looked at me and smiled. I tried my best to talk him into it, but was unsuccessful. He had to be home, besides we didn't have a hell of a lot of money to spend. "Well, I'll stay and you can hitchhike home," I joked. He didn't laugh too hard at that one. But he knew I was only kidding. I finally resigned myself, with the fact that we were going home today. I guess it didn't really matter. With all, and I do mean ALL, of the gorgeous guys around, there is no one I would have rather been with, than Kevin. Really! Christ, I wanted him! I was feeling a little buzzed from the alcohol. I leaned back on the deck where we were sitting, ran my hands through my long, blonde hair and muttered "Oh, God!" under my breath. "What?" he asked. I sighed, a long sigh. "Nothing," I replied. I looked at him looking at me and smiling. "What!?" "Forget it Kevin." He continued staring at me for a bit, until he realized I was still watching him, so he quickly turned his attention away. I sat back up, my mind reeling with passion. I glanced at my watch, it was nearing five. "Let's get going," I suggested. "Why, what time is it?" he asked, rather than to look at his own. "Five o'clock. Remember, it's a two hour drive home." "Ok. Let me just finish this beer," he said holding the can up. "Alright." I continued to look around at all the men. Sighing. Thinking. "Why did I ever get mixed up with this guy? All I've ever gotten from him is a lot of hurt." I looked at him again, and my heart melted. "He IS cute. FUCK! I can't believe this. Oh, God, the pain! Why do I bother?!?" "STEPHEN!" "Huh? What?" Kevin laughed. "I'm finished. Are you ok?" "No. But let's go anyway." He gave me one of his "whatever" looks, and we left. After checking my money supply, I realized that I had enough to buy that tee-shirt, so we walked back down to the store. "I'll take one of the 'DON'T BE A DICK' shirts," I informed the female clerk. We all laughed. I consulted with Kevin about the size and decided on a medium. I took my time, and walked very, slowly back to the car. I was getting depressed now. What's the point of going all the way to P- Town, if your not gonna have sex, I mean the two go together. Kevin could sense the mood change. "What's the matter?" "Oh, nothing," I replied. I am EXTREMELY shy, if you haven't noticed already. This was very difficult for me; wanting and not being able to ask. Kevin pressed. "C'mon, Steve. Something's bothering you." "Yeah. Something is." "Well, tell me!" he was getting upset, now. Perhaps he was thinking the same thoughts. Maybe he wanted to have sex, too. Kevin also has a problem asking. With that in mind, I swallowed my pride and spoke. "I wanna have sex." Kevin was taken aback, momentarily, from my bluntness. "Yeah?" "Yeah." Before I continue, I must mention the fact that Kevin is Irish. That explains his next question: "With who?" he asked. I looked at him, dumbfounded, amazed, speechless. With all the faces I was making, he probably thought I was going to vomit. I looked around at all the guys walking past. I shrugged. "Oh... I guess you'll have to do." Kevin hit me, again. "You PUNK! Whatta ya mean, 'I'll have to do'!?" I was a bit surprised, at his response. I was prepared for the typical arguments we have when I bring the subject up. It's almost like a game, now. We ask each other only when we have new angles or reasons for or against it. I'm almost always the one FOR, Kevin is usually AGAINST. "Well, look at all the guys around here! You think I'd rather be with you?!" I continued joking. He laughed. "You, punk." I laughed and shook my head. I'm not a punk, honest. "So where can we go?" he asked. "Really! I don't know if I can handle this. You ALWAYS put up some kind of fight! This is weird." He stopped short. "Look, you wanna have sex or what?" "Yeah. Wanna go to the beach?" "Oh... I guess it'll have to do," he mocked. So I hit him, for a change. "C'mon! Let's go!" I quickened my pace, excited now! We got the car, paid for the parking and drove the short ride to Herring Cove. I explained to Kevin that this was the gay beach. There were only a handful of cars in the lot. The breeze coming off the water was quite noticeable. We grabbed the blanket and towels and headed into the dunes. The sand was course and warm. The vegetation, sparse, except for the grass which grew quite tall on some of the dunes. It was behind one of these spots, that we spread the blanket and sat down. We took off our sneakers. "It's cold," Kevin complained, wiggling his toes. "I guess, I'll just have to warm you up." I moved closer, and wrapped my arm around him. "Is this any better?" I asked, hugging him tight. "A little." He kissed me, and put his right leg under my left. He stroked my thigh, softly with his hand. We kissed, deeply, tongues exploring. I pulled off his shirt and his hair fell sensuously beyond his shoulders. "Lay back," I whispered and he did just that. I straddled his stomach and leaned over and kissed him again. I ran my hands first, through his hair, around his neck and finally down his chest. I moved down a bit and took one of his nipples into my mouth. I sucked on it gently, ran circles around it and bit gently down. When it became erect, I moved over to the other and proceeded to do the same. He was squirming by the time I was done. I slid down a little further and ran my tongue around his navel while my hands continued to play with his nipples. I felt his dick straining against his shorts on my chest. He was ready! I sat up, my knees on either side of his long legs and unbuttoned the top button and unzipped the zipper. When I opened the fly, his semi-hard cock sprang free from it's confines. I slid his shorts down and he lifted each leg slightly off the ground to help in the process. I set them aside and cupped his very large dick in my hard. Like I said earlier, Kevin is very well-hung. Fully erect, his dick stands perpendicular from it's hairy base about nine inches, perhaps closer to ten. It is thick, but not as wide as my own. The head is small, mushroomy and his balls hang low in it's sack. It is a VERY attractive package! I gathered some saliva in my mouth and spit it out. It dripped, as on a wire, onto the head of his now engorged member and I quickly ran my hand over the tip to collect it. I began stroking in earnest now and I looked at his face. His hands were intertwined in each other and were behind his head to cock it up a bit. His eyes were closed and there was a faint smile on his lips. He gasped a breath of air and opened his eyes. We stared into each others soul's and felt the love there. I put first one knee and then the other between his legs and spread them apart. I bent down and began to lick the sides of his cock, starting at the base and working my way up to the top. I lifted his legs, bent at the knees and pushed them to his chest. I took first one ball and then the other into my hot mouth and rolled them around with my tongue. I then, took them both and sucked them real good, nibbling ever so lightly once in awhile. Kevin let out a moan or two. "Mmmmm.. That feels great. Ahhh.." and he twisted his head first to one side and then the other. I lowered his legs, reached over, grabbed one of the condoms and tore open the package with my teeth. I pulled it out and spit into it and rolled it comfortably onto his hot cock. It didn't quite fit all the way down, but it was safe. I proceeded immediately, to engulf it's entire length. I gagged, having not quite worked myself up to taking it all and pulled back. I continued with a slow rhythmic sucking motion, starting at the head and working my way lower and lower until finally, my nose brushed the patch of dark, curly pubic hair at the base. "God!" he gasped with a sharp inhalation. "Ohhh..." That's all the encouragement that I needed to hear. I quickened my pace, swirling my tongue all around his stiff cock. He wriggled in ecstasy. He twisted round to get into a 69 position. I lay on my left side to give him access. He quickly pulled my shorts off and grabbed my already rock-hard dick from the stretched, sweaty jock I was wearing. He tore out another condom and lowered it onto me. When it was tightly in place, he swallowed my thick eight inches with seemingly no effort at all. I had to throw my head back and let out a little cry. This felt TOO good! "Jeez," I sighed. I turned my head around and his throbbing cock was right in front of me. I parted my lips again and swallowed it. The feeling was incredible as we both worked on each other, oblivious to all our surroundings. We sucked and we licked. We pulled at each other's balls, fondling them in our palms. They began to tighten. Our breathing began haggered, our hearts were beating double- time. The surge began to well up inside me, heightening my awareness to his needs and I quickened my pace. My mouth dove deeply as I sucked his dick and I felt the same being done to myself. The rhythm was increasing. I felt my load ready to explode when Kevin pulled back and breathed, "NOW!" I couldn't believe it, he took the words right off my lips. "Me too.." I warned. With a quick, tight stroke, I snapped the rubber off and it shot like an elastic. Kevin did the same. I closed my eyes and heard him moan. I felt his hot, sticky cum shoot onto my chest when I, too, faded out for that split second as I felt my own load pour forth. I felt the ocean breeze on my naked skin and a shiver went down my spine. The scent of the salt was in the air. I exhaled a very deep breath. I felt him stirring, his hair running over my leg. I opened my eyes and turned to look at him. His eyes sparkled and there was the unmistakable look of satisfaction on his face. He was smiling. "That was incredible, Stephen." We sat up and hugged each other, tightly. I kissed him lightly and whispered, "I know. It was." He pulled me even closer and we kissed again. I felt the stickiness on my chest and pulled back. "Jeez, Kev. You're a mess." "Me? Look at yourself!" I did. I was mess too. I grabbed a towel and wiped ourselves clean. Back at the car, I changed clothes, putting on my black 501s and a long sleeve shirt and leather jacket. Knowing that Kevin was going to be cold on the drive back, I wrapped him up in the blanket. I started up the car and began our journey home. Fifteen minutes down Route 6, Kevin's head leaned over onto my shoulder. He was fast asleep.