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Fear Falls Away

By: anon_temptations



I stepped into the classroom, my heart beating so hard that I was scared the other students could hear it. I felt my face flush as a few heads turned my way, and I started to wish I was anywhere but here. I started to evaluate myself in my head; what must I look like? Did my outfit look too flashy? Did it look like I was trying too hard? Was my hair a mess? Perhaps the wind had blown it out of place on my walk over...

This was how most social situations started for me; it was nothing new. I'd been dealing with my social anxiety since I had been about 12 years old. I was doing everything in my power not to let it affect my life and my future, but I was now 19 years old and I was still finding it difficult to do anything that involved being around other people. Making friends was a nightmare, class discussions were brutal and class presentations were even worse. By some miracle I'd managed to push myself into further education regardless of the ache in my gut telling me that it would mean even more social situations and even more painful presentations. It would mean living with total strangers and being surrounded by new faces.

My first lectures of the semester had been almost painless, but the classes were more difficult. Today, there were no seats free bar one -- next to some guy who had his back to me and was talking on his phone in a whisper, despite our tutor standing at the front of the class preparing to start.

I sat down as quickly as I could, taking care not to make too much noise as I got my things out of my bag. My neighbour hung up his call with a whispered "love you too Grace, bye" just as the tutor began to introduce himself and this semester's topic to us. My neighbour smiled at me in silent greeting and I blushed a little, looked down at my blank paper and started fiddling with my pen. I wasn't sure if I imagined it or not, but I thought I heard a light chuckle to my side. Great, I thought, my classmate already thinks I'm a freak. I shook my head. I overreacted to everything but I just couldn't help it.

I sat there doodling for a good twenty minutes, safe in the knowledge that I couldn't be called upon today because the class was only introductory and hence there were not yet any questions that the tutor could ask of individuals.

"Now, I'd like you to talk with your partner about what you want to get out of this module, and what you think the key aims of this course are."

With those words, our tutor sat down and pulled out a pile of essays that he started to read through. How the hell did he have essays to mark already, this early in the school year? I sighed. At the thought of a class discussion, my hands had turned clammy and my heart rate was beginning to pick up speed.

"Hey, I'm Burn," said the guy next to me. He turned his whole body in his chair to face me.

I stole a glance to the side and gave a nervous smile. "James," I muttered.

"It's nice to meet you." Burn gave a wide smile. He looked down at his blank paper, then over at my page of doodles. "Nice notes." He said jokingly.

I blushed at his comment and immediately turned the page of my notebook to a blank one. This time he definitely chuckled.

"So, what do you want to get out of this module?" Burn asked. "Personally, I'm just doing this because they wouldn't let me study Philosophy without taking this damn logic module. And so here I am." He gestured around him.

"Well, um..." I glanced up at him and he was staring at me with a faint smile on his lips, waiting for my response. It caused my cheeks to heat up. "Well, I kind of like logic. It's simple, you know? It makes perfect sense."

"Not to me," he retorted. "So what else are you studying?"

"A mathematics module and two more philosophy modules."

"Jeez!" He exclaimed. "You must be pretty smart then. I think I'll stick with you."

I blushed again. "Nah, I'm not that smart, really. No smarter than anybody else here."

"So you're just a pretty face, then."

He winked. He actually winked at me. I didn't know how to react, so I laughed as I felt my cheeks flush. I didn't think I had ever blushed this much in the space of five minutes, but I liked Burn. He seemed like a good guy. If I hadn't known any better, I'd have thought he was flirting with me.

Burn's phone gave a beep to signal that he had a new text message and he gave me an apologetic look as he pulled his phone out of his pocket to read it, momentarily pausing our conversation. Probably his girlfriend, I thought. I took my chance to give him a quick once over. There was no denying it - he was beautiful. His dark hair had a sort of messy-on-purpose style and he had stubble across his jaw line which made him look older than he probably was. I was sure he was older than me anyway, perhaps by two or three years. He may have been sitting down but I could see that he was tall. Perhaps a similar height to my 6"3. I had already noticed his dark eyes; they were the kind that you could lose yourself in.

I was surprised that Burn was even talking to me. I supposed he had to, considering we were sitting together and had been instructed to discuss the topic with our partners. I always found it hard to believe that people like Burn would ever talk to me through choice, let alone actually maintain a real friendship. I looked away before Burn could catch me staring. That was the last thing I wanted. I didn't want him to know that I was both weird and gay. I wasn't ashamed of my sexuality and would never deny it when asked, but I was pretty sure that it would put a damper on any possible friendship and I knew I could really use at least one friendly face in these classes.

At this point, the tutor stood up and instructed us on the reading we were required to do for next week's class. I scribbled down the book and page numbers quickly and packed my stuff away in my bag. I stood up and flung my backpack over my shoulder. I was in a rush to get back to my own room in campus halls where I could get on with my work away from the watchful eyes of tutors and other students.

I left without saying anything else to Burn, but he was on my mind for the rest of the day. As soon as I had left the class and reached my room, I began cursing myself for the things I didn't say and kept thinking of things I should have done. I should have spoken more. I should have hung around at the end of class. I should have asked what he was up to this evening. I shouldn't have blushed. I shouldn't have left so quickly. I concluded that I must have looked really stupid. These were the kind of thoughts that usually plagued me when I recapped various social situations. The only difference today was that I was genuinely looking forward to the prospect of seeing Burn again. I'd probably embarrass myself and stumble over my own words again, but it didn't seem to matter; I wanted to see him despite that. Then I remembered that he'd been talking to someone on the phone. Grace, if I remembered correctly. He'd said he loved her. My heart dropped a little, but then I cursed myself for being so silly. So what if he was straight? It didn't mean that we couldn't be friends. Because God knows I needed a friend in this place.

I couldn't help but smile when I entered my class the next day and found Burn sitting by himself at the back of the room. He waved and called me over. I took the seat next to him hurriedly before anyone saw me blush. We chatted a bit about what other classes we had and got on with our work, and I stole a few glances every now and then to admire him. He asked for my help on some of the questions and listened intently to my explanations. I loved my studies and was pretty good at them, even if I didn't like to admit that to anyone, and it felt good to be able to explain things to Burn.

For the rest of the week, every time I walked into classes that I shared with Burn he signalled for me to join him. By Friday, I had spent the whole week ogling over Burn in our classes together or when I saw him in the lecture halls or around campus. He was often on his own, which surprised me, although I occasionally saw him talking to the same two guys. I was starting to worry for my sanity; I was becoming hooked to a man I had known for barely a week.

I tried to keep my glances in his direction minimal on the Friday and, as usual, when the hour was up and our class together was over, I quickly packed up my things and got ready to dart from the room. I had only taken a couple of steps away from the desk when Burn reached out and grabbed my arm lightly. The contact caused my heart to skip a beat, whether because of my anxiety or because I was attracted to Burn, I wasn't completely sure.

"Hang on a sec," Burn said, "you free tonight? Wanna come to the student bar with me and some mates?"

I instantly looked for an excuse. Not because I didn't want to spend time with Burn, but because I didn't like going to bars. They made me nervous and I wasn't much of a drinker.

"Um, I have a lot of work to get finished. A couple of assignments to start..."

"We've only just started the semester; you can't have that much on." Burn commented. "Give me your number and I'll text you with times and stuff."

Burn pulled out his phone, so I had no choice but to recite my number to him.

"Cool. I'll text you later. See you around, J."

With that, he walked past me and was gone. I stood there for a moment, wondering whether I should go out tonight. I didn't really want to; there would be lots of people. It would be uncomfortable. What if I made a fool out of myself? But I also really did want to go, I wanted to make friends and I hated that my anxiety was getting the best of me. I knew that it would be uncomfortable and maybe even painful, but I wanted to try it. I hated that I was so ready to give up without giving it a chance first.

I carried on this internal argument all the way back to my room. My room was a single; thankfully I had managed to get a place in accommodation that didn't involve sharing a room or a shower. I had applied months in advance to make sure of it. The room was small, but plenty big enough for me. Everything was very neutral; I still hadn't got around to decorating it, so it was void of anything that described too much about my personality. I had a few pictures up of my closest friend Jenny when we went to a theme park over the summer, and there was a posed shot of my little sister Bethan and another one of my older brother Dean taken two years ago. That was before things had turned bad at home and before Dean had ruined everything. The selfish bastard had left home without so much as a goodbye, without telling anyone where he was going and without so much as a phone call since he left almost two years ago. He hadn't even called when we had got the news that our father had died. It was true that we rarely ever saw him, but he had still been our father and his death had deserved some kind of recognition. I knocked the picture down so that it was facing into the desk and let out an angry sigh.

I sat down at my small desk and started on some of my reading to take my mind off of the prospect of going out tonight. I couldn't concentrate, and after an hour my phone beeped to signal that I had a new text message. I pulled it out of my pocket.

Hey, it's Burn. 7pm at The Border sound ok?

The Border was our local student bar. My heart skipped a beat, because I had heard about how busy it was in there. I thought about having to push myself through the crowds of people to find Burn and having to stand around with hordes of students pressed up against each other, and it made me shudder.

At 6.30pm, I was sitting on my bed contemplating my options. My phoned flashed and vibrated across the bedside table. I knew before I even checked the caller ID that it would be Bethan.

"What's up, sis?" I answered. I could be myself with Bethan, she was one of my closest friends.

"James, I need you to speak to mum. She is being an absolute bitch. She won't let me go to Brandon's party."

At 16, Bethan was a bit of a drama queen. She failed a lot of her classes and bunked off constantly, and was downright irresponsible most of the time. I knew it was all an act. She was the sweetest, friendliest and smartest kid I knew when she wasn't around all her school buddies. I was disappointed that she felt the need to dumb herself down to make friends.

"Beth, I don't think anything I say will change her mind." I laughed.

"Urgh." Bethan sighed. "So what are you doing on this lovely Friday evening? Made any friends yet?"

"Actually..." I wasn't sure whether to tell Bethan about my offer from Burn. Bethan knew about my anxiety and she had made it her duty to keep reminding me of how I needed to put myself out there more and take chances. She constantly reminded me that I needed to let myself experience the social situations I feared, and that perhaps sometimes bad things would happen but that I needed to learn to take them in my stride and grow from them. She also knew that I was gay, which meant that she would pounce on the idea of me meeting up with another guy and she'd insist that I go. I told her anyway. "I might be going out to the local bar in half an hour or so. A guy from class invited me."

"Oh. My. God. Am I hearing you correctly? James Jared Swift is actually going to a bar on a Friday night?" Her tone was mocking. "I'm proud of you, big bro," she joked.

"Yeah. I'm not so sure though."

"About what? You need to put yourself out there, James. I know it scares you but you won't get better if you don't push your limits and try new things. It's just a bar, what's the worst that could happen?"

"I could be humiliated, I could drink too much and throw up in front of everyone there, or black out and sleep with a bunch of random guys, or break a bone, or..."

"James. Just shut up. Seriously. Use your brain, be responsible, and have a good time. Nothing bad will happen unless you let it. You need to let go and enjoy yourself." Bethan sighed. "I really wish you'd just chill and let someone see how awesome you are. It's killing me that you can't do that. Please, you need to start helping yourself."

"I guess your right." Unfortunately, she was always right.

"I know I am." She responded. "So what's this guy like? Is he hot?"

"He is, actually. But he's also just a great guy, you know? But I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend." I sighed.

"Pretty sure?" She repeated. "Why don't you ask him?"

I can't just ask, Bethan."

"Sure you can. Besides, if anyone can turn a straight guy gay, it'd be you. So stop worrying."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Bethan laughed. "Take a look in the mirror, will you? Gosh. Well I'll let you go -- make sure you let me know how it goes. Love you."

She hung up, and I was left there wondering what the hell I should do. I jumped up from the bed and pulled out an outfit from my wardrobe as quickly as I could, before I had the chance to change my mind. Less than an hour later and I was on my way to The Border, my stomach churning and my heart pounding.

*******

I could see James approaching from the distance, but he hadn't seen me yet. I hoped he wouldn't mind that it would be just the two of us. I hadn't been able to convince any friends to come out on such short notice; they'd all had other plans. I was actually pretty glad for this, I wanted to get to know James more and I preferred the idea of having him all to myself. I shook my head at my foolishness, I doubting he was gay anyway.

I called out a greeting to get his attention. "James, over here."

He snapped his head in my direction and I waved. He looked uncomfortable. I wondered briefly why he was so shy, but then he walked under one of the street lights and my heart skipped a beat. He looked amazing. His dark blonde hair was sticking up in all directions, but it looked so hot. He was wearing jeans that were tight in all the right places and a grey t-shirt that clung to his well-defined chest. He had his hands in his jean pockets as he walked over and came to a stop directly in front of me. He gave me brief eye contact before he muttered a "hey" and darted his eyes to the ground.

I'd found myself attracted to James almost instantly, from the moment he sat down next to me at the beginning of the week. I was disappointed that James always seemed in a rush to leave at the end of our classes, and for the whole week I had been left standing alone and staring at the door, feeling a little like a lost puppy. I tried to convince myself that it probably wasn't anything personal; it was obvious that James was extremely shy. His shyness shocked me; I had learnt from experience that guys who looked as good as he did were usually never shy. Something about this guy had my heart racing, and I hadn't even known him for a week yet. All I knew was that I wanted to know everything about him. I wanted to be his friend, perhaps even something more. This shocked me, for I had never pegged myself as a long-term relationship kind of guy.

"You look great," I blurted. James blushed and gave a nervous smile. He looked even cuter when he blushed, and he did that a lot.

"I hope you didn't have too far to walk. It's kind of chilly tonight," I said. I was making small talk, surprised to find myself feeling nervous. That wasn't like me; I was usually fairly confident and pretty sure of myself.

"No, I...um... I only live on campus. Block D." He replied. He was looking at me now and smiling a little. His smile made me feel slightly weak at the knees. I had no idea what had gotten into me. I was pleased to notice, however, that James seemed to be feeling a little more comfortable than he had done when we were together in class.

"Oh right," I commented. "I have a flat down the street. I took a gap year, well, a few gap years actually, and so I had some money saved. I thought renting a flat would work out better than staying on campus. I like my own space." Shut up and stop talking crap, I thought to myself.

James nodded. "So you're not my age then, straight out of school?"

"No, I'm 22."

We stood there for a moment, just staring at each other. James looked away first, clearly a little uncomfortable. Was he always like this, or was it just when he was around me? I wondered if he suspected that I was gay, and whether that was what was making him feel a little uneasy.

"I'm afraid it's just us. My friends are dicks and none of them were up for going out tonight."

"That's cool."

Gosh, he was so beautiful. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. His hair was waving slightly in the breeze and his eyes sparkled from the street lights. I wanted to say something smart and charming, but nothing came to mind. I felt the need to impress him. I wanted to grab his hand in mine. I wanted to do so much more than stand here making small talk.

"Want to go inside?" I gestured into The Border, which was pretty packed, with music blaring out the doors.

James cast a nervous look at the building and I started to regret my choice of location. He looked lost. It was obvious that this wasn't the kind of place he'd usually hang out at and it made me feel kind of warm inside to know that he had come here tonight despite that. He had left his comfort zone in order to meet up with me, and it made me feel proud, in a strange way.

"You know, we can go somewhere else if this makes you feel uncomfortable."

James looked relieved. "Really?" He replied, sounding hopeful.

"Sure, I have a few beers at my place. We can hang out and chat. Play some music or something. Sound alright?"

James thought for a few moments and then nodded. "Sure."

We started walking as I lead the way to my apartment and made more small talk as we went. The conversations got easier as the minutes went by and James seemed to relax. I was glad. I stole a glance at him when he wasn't looking and noticed how much less tense he looked. When he didn't realise anyone was looking, his whole body was much more relaxed and he looked so happy and peaceful. I wanted to kiss him. The thought popped into my head almost as if by itself. I couldn't control it; it was suddenly all I could think about. I smiled to myself as I approached my building, pulling my keys from my pocket.


Fear Falls Away



*******

As I approached Burn's apartment, I was starting to feel comfortable. It was odd how quickly I had relaxed. Talking to Burn seemed so easy once I had taken the giant step of putting myself out there and meeting up with him.

Burn let us in to the building, and led me up a flight of stairs. His apartment was on the second floor, which was the one from the top. The apartment was tidier than I had expected. I had pegged Burn as being messy. It wasn't huge but felt comfy and homely, with a reasonably sized living space and kitchen area joined together and an open door leading to a small bathroom by the kitchen on the right and a closed door behind the leather coach, which I assumed led to a bedroom. The floor in the open space was wooden with a few chocolate brown rugs strategically placed across the living area. The walls were white with a few artsy pictures hanging up.

Burn headed over to the fridge and pulled out a couple of beers whilst I stood by the door feeling a little awkward now that we were alone at his place. He placed a few bottles on the table, keeping hold of the couple that he had already opened. Burn threw himself down on the sofa, holding a beer out for me.

"You can sit down, you know," he joked.

"I'm not much of a drinker," I responded nervously as I took the bottle and sat down next to him, leaving a small gap between us.

"Well I guess I'll have to fix that," Burn commented.

"My brother used to drink all the time. It wasn't very pleasant. It kind of put me off of the stuff." I had no idea why I was telling him this.

"Used to? So he quit then?" Burn took a swig of his drink.

"No. He left. Well, disappeared, really."

"Oh."

There was an awkward silence for a moment, and in order to break it I asked Burn about his family. He told me about his three sisters and his mum with such love and admiration in his tone that it made me feel much more at ease and I laughed when he made jokes about what it was like to be the only guy in the family.

"I totally love them, but a large part of why I'm here now is because I wanted to get away. It's nice to be independent and spend time away from the family for a while."

I smiled and nodded. By this point, I had already finished my first beer and was well on my way through one of the bottles he had placed on the table.

"What about you?"

"Umm..." I looked into Burn's eyes and felt a sudden burst of confidence. "Well I came here for similar reasons I guess. I wanted to be independent and I have..." I paused, looking for the right word, "I have issues of my own and I didn't want them to hold me back, so I kind of forced myself to pursue further education. It's a struggle for me but what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger, right?"

Burn nodded, as if he understood and as if he truly cared, and I found myself believing that he did.

"So, do you want to talk about your brother? Is that why you're so shy?"

His question took me by surprise. It was one thing to be shy and anxious all the time, and another to have it outright discussed. I blushed, lowered my eyes and adjusted myself in my seat.

"It's okay James, you don't have to talk about it. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable." He reached out and rested his hand against my arm and rubbed it gently. "But if you ever want to talk, I'm here."

"No, it's fine. It's not as simple as me being shy really but I was this way years before my brother left, but I guess that didn't help the situation. He left almost two years ago, although I have no idea why. He was a handful. I'm not sure what he was going through because he never spoke about it, but he was lashing out. I guess he felt like he couldn't stay with his family anymore. Mom won't talk about it, although she blamed my dad. Dad died about 6 months after Dean left."

"I'm really sorry, James."

Burn placed his hand gently on my thigh in a comforting gesture, but I shied away a little and Burn moved his hand away. I wished he hadn't. I couldn't stop thinking about him touching me, but then I remembered that he had a girlfriend. I willed myself not to read too much into this, he was just being friendly. I finished off my beer but didn't bother starting on another one.

"It's actually okay. I wasn't too close to him. He wasn't around very much when I was growing up because he worked so much and then my parents divorced when I was 13 and I saw him even less. But Dean never got in touch and never showed up for the funeral. I don't think I can forgive him for that."

Burn nodded. "So what about the shyness?"

I paused. "I...well...it's kind of a long story and... it's pretty hard to explain..." I was babbling and I knew I sounded like a complete idiot, so I just stopped talking and shook my head at my own stupidity.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be pushy. I was just curious. We don't have to talk about it." There was worry in Burn's eyes so I smiled to reassure him that I was okay, and for once it was actually true. I was more than okay, actually -- I felt safe and comfortable. Perhaps the couple of beers had helped, but I was sure it was more to do with Burn and the way that being around him seemed to put me and my mind at ease.

"Don't worry. God, it's so easy to talk to you. You don't realise how rare it is for me to talk to someone I barely know like this. It's nice."

"Well I'm glad to hear it." Burn paused and looked away before he continued. "I like you, James." Looking back, he looked into my eyes as he spoke again. "You're a great guy. Don't ever feel too shy to talk to me, cos I'm happy to listen to you and I'd love to be there for you when you need someone. I really enjoy hanging out with you, James."

I took a swig of my beer. His words had given me butterflies. I wished he meant that in the way I wanted him to. I caught his eyes again and he fixed me with a look, as if daring me to look away. I wanted to but I didn't let myself. I wasn't sure if I imagined him moving closer, but my heart skipped a beat and my hands were starting to sweat. My mind was starting to get jumbled but I realised with perfect clarity that I wanted him to kiss me, and in that moment I wanted him more than I had ever wanted anything. I wanted to free myself of my anxiety and kiss him. I wanted to feel his lips against mine. I wanted to hold that perfect body.

His phone beeped and snapped me out of the trance I seemed to have been in. I shuffled a little in my seat, moving a few inches away from him. He gave me an apologetic glance before pulling his cell out of his pocket and flipping it open to read the message.

"Your girlfriend?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

"What? No. Hell no. It's my sister, Grace. She's only 14 and she kind of like you, being shy and all. She's pretty amazing, but like you she just can't see it. She's been having trouble at school and she misses me, so she calls a lot. Wait. You thought I had a girlfriend?"

I didn't respond to Burn. The emphasis he placed on the word 'girlfriend' confused me. What was he implying? I didn't for one second want to believe that he was gay too, that would be just too much good fortune for someone like me. But then, even if he was gay, it didn't automatically mean he would be interested in me. But wait, hadn't he also just implied that he thought I was amazing?

Burn shuffled himself in his seat, closing the space I had just created between the two of us. My heart was racing once again.

"I don't have a girlfriend, J."

Burn had leaned a little closer to me. I was sure of it. I felt Burn's hand brush lightly against my arm. The contact caused my heart to stutter and my skin tingled from his touch. He was so close that I could feel his warm breathe against my skin. Without thinking about what I was doing, I moved those last few inches and brushed my lips lightly against Burn's. My heart was pounded faster and faster as the kiss got deeper. My whole body responded and I felt as if someone had lit a bonfire in my heart. I was pretty sure I moaned too. I lifted my arms to rest them on Burn's shoulders as I continued the kiss for a few more seconds. I only stopped when Burn pushed me away.

He pushed me away.

Panic hit, and I jumped up out of my seat. I could feel my face burning and the sudden movement affected my balance, causing me to sway a little. I must have completely misread the situation, and I felt so stupid for getting myself caught in such a humiliating position.

"I'm sorry, I...I..."

I didn't even finish my sentence. I didn't dare look at Burn for fear of what I might see. Disgust? Anger? I was up and out of the apartment before Burn had even managed to catch his breath.

*******

"James, wait!"

I called after him but it was no good. He was gone in seconds, leaving me alone on the sofa. I considered running after him, but I expected he'd need some time to himself to think things over. Perhaps he was just shocked by the turn of events. Perhaps I'd scared him. Perhaps he was disgusted to think that he had just kissed another guy. I truly hoped not.

I replayed the moment in my head -- had I done something wrong? He had seemed into it, but perhaps I had been reading the whole thing wrong and made a complete fool out of myself. I had pulled away to tell him how I felt and to reveal how strongly I was attracted to him, but he had jumped up and left before I had even caught my breath. He'd thought I had a girlfriend, so he clearly hadn't suspected that I was gay. Now that he knew the truth, perhaps he wanted nothing to do with me. That stung. I wanted to break something. I wanted to cry, and I hadn't cried in years. I wanted to run after him but by now it was too late. How could I have been so stupid? I came on too strong and I'd scared him away. And how could I have fallen for this guy? Barely a week had passed since we'd met and I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself because he didn't like me back. I felt like I was 15 years old all over again.

The kiss hadn't lasted long but my heart was still pounding. James seemed to be oblivious to the effect he had on people, especially on me. He was gorgeous but he didn't seem to know it. He was clearly smart and genuine, but he didn't seem to know that either. I wanted him so much, despite knowing him for such a small amount of time. I was hard from just a quick kiss. I couldn't believe the connection I already felt to this guy.

I went to the bathroom to take care of myself and then headed to bed, where I lay wide awake thinking about James and his reaction to our kiss. I was still wide awake and kicking myself in the early hours of the morning; I had known that James was shy and yet I had clearly pushed him too far. Part of my brain had been telling me to stop, warning me that there were boundaries and that James was fragile and sensitive. I didn't want to hurt him. Clearly I had, and I was angry at myself for that.

James didn't contact me over the weekend, and I didn't call him despite how much I wanted to. I knew that James probably wanted space to sort things out and come to terms with whatever had frightened him off, but I was worried. Not only was I worried, but I needed to see him. I remembered him telling me that he was on living on campus block D, so I spent my Sunday hanging around the campus in the hopes that I'd catch him around.

Nothing.

I asked around but no one seemed to know him and the few people who did recognise him from my description weren't sure which room he was staying in and knew very little about him at all. One guy said he'd seen James walking across campus late on Friday night but that was the most information I'd got. I was tempted to just call him and ask him to meet me but I had the feeling he wouldn't answer anyway. I didn't want to have to sort this out over the phone, I needed to see James. I was starting to get desperate.

James couldn't hide from me forever and we had a philosophy lecture on Monday. I planned to pull him aside after that and talk to him about what had happened. I looked around for him as I entered the lecture hall in the hopes that I could sit next to him or signal that I needed to talk to him. I kept my eyes peeled for those gorgeous gray eyes and his messy tuft of dark blonde hair, but I couldn't see him anywhere. After sweeping the room for the third time I gave up; he wasn't there. Had I scared him that much? Was he embarrassed? I knew he was shy, but did he really feel so uncomfortable around me that he even missed his lectures to avoid me? My heart dropped and I slumped into a seat at the back of the lecture hall.

I already knew that James wasn't in my class for this particular module, so I flopped down in my chair and thought about what I should do. I'd send him a text and tell him that I needed to see him, I thought. I'd wait outside Block D for the whole week if I had to. I'd call him every 5 minutes until he picked up. I paid no attention to the work at hand, instead replaying the kiss from Friday night. I replayed the moment that James got up and ran away. It hurt to think about it. I should have run after him, damn it.

The hour wasn't up but I suddenly jumped from my seat, grabbed my bag and hurriedly made my way out of the room. My tutor called after me but I mumbled something about an upset stomach before the door closed behind me. I knew what other classes James took, and as I headed towards the other classroom I was praying that he hadn't skipped that class too.

*******

I was sitting in my class thinking about Burn. I hadn't heard from him over the weekend and I had been too frightened to call him. What would I even say? I was so worried. What if he was disgusted to find that I was gay? I was well aware that I had only known him for such a small amount of time, but I felt as if perhaps there could have been something between us. I felt that we could have been amazing friends, if not more. I'd spent the rest of Friday evening walking around town trying -- and failing -- to hold back my tears. I'd spent the whole of Saturday working in an attempt to keep my mind off of the night before. On Sunday, I hadn't left my room at all.

I had been too nervous to go to my philosophy lecture that morning because I knew Burn would be there. I knew I couldn't avoid him forever but I didn't know what I'd say. I knew I wasn't in the same class as him for this module, so I had reluctantly left my dorm to turn up for it. I found it difficult to do the work because I couldn't concentrate, so I was glad to leave when the hour was up. I darted out of the classroom door and was almost knocked off my feet by the guy waiting by the door outside.

It was Burn. He grabbed hold of my elbow to steady me as the rest of the class walked obliviously past us. I felt my cheeks flush a little and I suddenly felt very self-conscious, but I stood my ground and waited for Burn to say something. We were standing very close and I could see myself reflected in his beautiful dark eyes. I tried to look for something in them. Anger? Hate? Whatever he felt, he was keeping it well hidden, for now at least. Or perhaps I was just terrible at reading emotions. Either way, I was worried. Not scared -- I could never be scared of Burn -- just apprehensive of what was to come.

"Can we talk?"

I nodded but remained silent. My pulse raced.

"Café?"

"Ur, sure."

We walked silently, side by side, to the campus café. His arms were swinging at his sides and at one point his hand brushed mine. Neither of us spoke.

I was relieved to find that the café wasn't busy, which gave us a bit of privacy. We took the table by the window and after ordering a coffee each, Burn looked me straight in the eyes and took a deep breath.

"Did I scare you? Is that why you left?"

"What?" I was confused by this.

"The kiss -- I understand if it scared you. I didn't want that, I didn't want to upset you." Concern was etched across his face, and his eyes showed how worried and tired he was.

"I'm confused," I said blankly.

"I didn't mean to confuse you either. I just...I'm gay, James, and I'm into you." Burn was watching me for a reaction. My heart was pounding so hard that I could feel it in my ears.

"I wasn't confused about the kiss. I mean, I was...but I meant that I'm confused as to why you think I was scared. You could never scare me, Burn. I left because I thought I'd freaked you out. I thought you would hate me if you realised I was gay, and I couldn't bear that."

Burn looked shocked, but he quickly regained his composure and his eyes expressed his relief.

"You're gay?"

"I thought we'd established that."

At this point, the coffee arrived. I hardly even noticed that the woman serving us asked me a question and when I finally processed that she was flirting with me I just stared blankly, unsure of how to react. I was saved when Burn responded for me.

"He's with me."

The young woman mumbled an apology walked away quickly.

"I...what?"

"That's if you'll have me." He grinned sheepishly.

"Like you even have to ask." I mumbled.

*******

I couldn't believe it. James wanted me. I had spent the weekend convincing myself that I had fucked everything up, so my heart soared knowing that he actually wanted me. I hesitated before I reached across the table and placed my hand on top of his. I didn't want to rush things if he wasn't ready, but I felt the need to claim him as mine. I wanted to tell the world that this beautiful man was taken, and that I was the lucky owner of his heart. I felt my whole body warm when he turned his hand over to grip mine. His hands were soft and he was blushing slightly, but his smile was huge.

I sighed with relief. "I'm so glad we sorted this. I spent the whole weekend worrying. I even hung around outside Block D for hours on Sunday hoping I would run into you."

"I'm really sorry -- " James started, but I cut him off. I didn't want to hear him say sorry; he had nothing to apologise for.

"James, you don't need to be sorry for anything. I promise." I squeezed his hand in mine to comfort him, and gently caressed my fingers across his palm.

I met his eyes and the lust and raw emotion that I saw and felt was so strong that it shocked me. I wanted him so much. How was it possible that I had developed such strong feelings for this guy in such a short space of time? I felt as if I had been looking for him forever. I hadn't been interested in a serious relationship until I unexpectedly met James; I'd only ever had a series of flings and a few one night stands. Now all I could think about was being with him, holding him in my arms, making love to him.

"Want to go back to my place? You know, to talk and stuff."

"...and stuff?!" James repeated, raising an eyebrow suggestively. It seemed so out of character that I laughed. The smile I received in response was enough to make me melt.

I finished my coffee in record time and then we headed off to the apartment. We walked for the first ten minutes making jokes and laughing. The conversation started to dwindle but it didn't matter. It was his company that mattered. We were walking side by side, and I braved reaching out for his hand. I prepared myself for him to pull away. We were in public after all, and I knew he was shy and struggled with anxiety issues. He squeezed my hand back and entwined our fingers. I stole a sideways glance to find him smiling his killer smile at me. He didn't know it, but that smile was perhaps one of the most breathtaking things I had ever laid eyes on. I was in heaven.

At my apartment, we did nothing more than talk. James hesitated in the doorway but he seemed much more comfortable than before. We sat together on the coach, and it took all my restraint not to reach out and hold that beautiful face of his between my palms. I didn't want James to feel awkward around me, so I tried my best to make him comfortable. We talked about past relationships -- well, my past relationships -- and our studies and what we wanted to do in the future. James seemed much more ambitious than I was. He had all these plans of being a professor, despite his intense shyness and anxiety. I found myself admiring him.




Fear Falls Away



The next day, our class together was cancelled because our tutor was sick. I looked around for James and found him on campus by the café. He was standing on his own with his back to me, drinking a cup of coffee, so I walked up behind him.

"Guess who?!"

James spun around. He looked shocked at first but then he smiled. "Hey."

I reached for his hand and he let me take it in mine. "I was looking for you. Turns out we have the rest of the afternoon free. So..." I paused. "What are you up to?" I was hoping he'd want to spend the afternoon with me, and found that my heart was beating hard as I waited for his response. I'd never felt this way about anyone before.

"Nothing. I was just finishing this." He threw the coffee cup into the trash. "And then I was about to come looking for you, actually." So he did want to spend the afternoon with me! I had to stop myself from responding like a love struck teenager.

"So, do you want to come back to my apartment?" I asked, aiming for nonchalance but failing miserably.

"Ur, sure." He squeezed my hand a little and smiled. Gosh, he was so beautiful and even more so when he smiled. My heart actually fluttered. This wasn't something that usually happened to me, but I was falling. Falling hard.

*******

When we entered Burn's apartment, he led me over to the sofa and pulled me down to sit next to him. I leaned into him. I had spent all of last night wishing that I had kissed him or that he had kissed me when I had been with him yesterday. Burn was trying to make me feel comfortable and safe, and I really appreciated that. But I wanted to feel him close to me and I knew that meant I'd have to leave my safe little bubble and put myself out there.

"I'm glad you're not as shy around me as you were before," he commented.

"Things are easier when I'm around you." I admitted with a blush. It was true -- even though I was still nervous, it was in a good way. Even though I still blushed and found myself short of breath with sweaty palms, I didn't mind. I'd never been able to act this way around anyone else. Burn looked straight into my eyes. I briefly wondered if the giddiness I felt when he did that would ever wear off.

"You're beautiful, you know that right?" Burn's voice was only just above a whisper. He brushed his hand through my hair and I leaned into his touch. There were no words to describe how I felt at that moment.

"I'm nothing compared to you," I whispered.

I cast my eyes away for a moment. Burn cupped my chin in his palm and lifted my head up until my eyes met his again.

"Don't ever doubt how amazing you are James. Not ever."

He leaned in for a kiss. This time, unlike that fateful evening where I stupidly misread everything, Burn did not pull away. He kissed me deeply, holding my face in his hands. As his tongue slid in and brushed against the roof of my mouth, Burn relocated to straddle my thighs. I was unsure of what to do at first, my anxious mind fully trained to avoid situations like this. I ignored its yearning to get away and followed my heart. I reached up and wrapped my arms around Burn's neck, pulling him closer. I could feel his erection pressed against me. He was as hard as I was. I pulled back slowly and let my fingers gently caress the stubble across his jaw line.

I was in new territory -- things like this just never happened to me. Not because I didn't want them to, but because I had always been so scared to let them happen. I avoided intimacy despite how much I yearned for it. Part of me felt glad that I had been that way -- it made my time with Burn more special. Part of me was ashamed of my inexperience.

Lifting up his arms, Burn pulled his shirt up over his head and threw it to the floor. He began kissing my neck and I pulled him closer to me yet again, arching my back and turning my head to the side as he kissed further down my neck and across my shoulders. I couldn't believe how free I felt; my anxiety was gone, all I could feel was Burn and the emotions that he had awoken within me. I moaned with pleasure and at the realisation of how free I was.

Burn lifted my shirt up at the front. I resisted at first, insecure in myself and my body. He didn't push the matter and put his hands over mine. "What is it, babe? What's wrong?" He asked.

"I don't know. I don't want you to see my body and think... you know..." I felt stupid just saying it. I wanted to be exactly what Burn wanted, and I was suddenly worried that I wouldn't be good enough.

"Didn't I just tell you how beautiful and perfect you are? I mean it, J. You are perfect. You must be able to see that. And not just in looks. You're smart, charming, kind, and ambitious -- you're everything I wish I was."

He pulled up my shirt again and this time I let him. He leaned down and gently grazed his teeth across my left nipple. I moaned and arched my back further. I had never felt pleasure like this before. I also realised in that instant that I had never let anyone get this close to me before.

"Burn --"

"Are you okay? Should I stop?" He looked genuinely concerned and the intensity of his stare caused me to blush.

"Yeah... I mean, yeah I'm okay, not yeah I want you to stop..." I was getting muddled. Burn smiled a little. "I don't want you to stop...it's just..." I stopped talking. I wasn't making any sense.

"I won't hurt you, J. I only want to make you happy. Tell me if you want me to stop, and I will. I promise."

I believed him. He leaned back down to graze my right nipple.

"Oh... my God." I gasped. Burn laughed lightly and came back up to kiss me passionately on the lips. I was so hard, and with my restricting jeans, it was starting to feel painful.

"I need to get out of my jeans." It was almost a whimper. I was finding it difficult to construct coherent sentences. He gave a low chuckle and backed off of me. Taking my hands, he pulled me up from where I was seated and led me into the bedroom.

It was the first time I had been in this part of the house, but I was hardly in the mood to observe the décor. Burn took off the remainder of his own clothes and then began to do the same for me. He was slow and gentle, making sure that I was comfortable as he did it. My heart was pounding and, when I was finally standing naked before him, I clamped my eyes shut whilst he looked me over.

"Babe." His voice was at my ear, and he was gently caressing the skin at my neck. "You're beautiful. Open your eyes."

I opened my eyes. Burn was so close that I could feel his breath on my face. He kissed my cheek and then lightly kissed my lips before taking a few steps back. We stood there for a moment, admiring the sight of each other. Burn was beautiful, and his cock was a similar size to my own, a good 7 or so inches.

Standing at the foot of the bed, Burn leaned into me and rested his forehead into my shoulder. "I can't believe how much I want this, James."

I ran my hands through his soft dark hair and he lifted his head up to find my lips. He began yet another assault on them, his tongue swirling against my own. My pulse increased in speed with the intensity of the kiss. Gently, Burn placed his hands against my bare chest and pushed me back. I lowered myself onto his bed.

As I lay back, his hands wandered across my body, exploring as much as he could reach whilst still kissing me intensely. I wrapped my arms around him and brushed my hands up his back, pulling him into me. I felt safe with Burn. He hadn't rejected me; Burn wanted me. I wanted him. I yearned for more than groping and kissing.

As if sensing what I needed, Burn's lips left mine and he slowly began to lower himself down my body until his face was level with my erection.

"I can't believe I'm doing this. I've never done anything like this before." I whispered the words. Burn looked up at me, placing his hands on the inside of my thighs and moving them across the skin in a soothing motion. "If you're not ready, we can wait. I realise that we're moving fast, but I want you and I care about you so much already. But James, please don't ever be too worried to tell me how you feel."

I nodded in reply. "I trust you and I'm ready for this, Burn." I trusted him completely.

I didn't have time to worry or feel shy and self-conscious before Burn took my dick into his mouth, and then all I felt was intense pleasure. I arched my back and groaned as Burn went slow just to tease me. The sensation was completely new to me; I had never expected to be this at ease around another person. Burn picked up the pace, pushing his hands under me to pinch and squeeze my ass. My cries became more frantic. Burn continued to suck as if his life depended on it; he had my whole length in his mouth. I was almost blind with pleasure. I began thrusting forward ever so slightly. I wanted him inside me. I couldn't wait much longer.

"Burn, please, fuck me."

I couldn't believe I had said the words. I had never said such a thing in my life. It seemed so crude, and yet I was enjoying this too much to care. Burn released my cock and gave a low chuckle, clearly pleased with the reaction he had teased out of me. He leaned over me to the side of the bed, opening a bedside drawer. He pulled out a bottle of lube and a condom.

Looking me in the eyes, Burn brushed his fingers softly against my cheek. "Are you sure, babe? You know that this can hurt your first time, right?"

I nodded and kissed him desperately, wanting to show him how much I needed him. "I've never wanted anything this much in my whole life." Burn returned the kiss passionately before pulling away and opening the bottle of lube.

Flipping me onto my stomach, Burn applied some and without messing around, inserted the first finger into my hole. It was tight but I adjusted quickly, pushing myself back to get him further into me. He chuckled again at my response and leaned against me to kiss the top of my back and my neck. He added a second finger, and after I had adjusted to that, a third. By this point, I was desperate to feel him inside me. I was moaning, and Burn was breathing heavily behind me. I needed him, right now. I knew that it would hurt, but I didn't care. I wanted to feel Burn's dick filling me - I needed to feel him come inside me.

"Please, Burn, please..." I panted. "Do it..."

"I'm worried about hurting you." He leaned down to kiss my neck and brushed aside the strands of hair that were sticking to my skin from my own sweat.

"I need you so much. I'll tell you if you hurt me. Please, just do it."

I heard him fumble with the condom and the bottle of lube, so I raised my ass to give him better access. My heart was pounding and I was nervous as hell, but in a good way. It was as if my anxiety had been pushed aside and all that was left was Burn, myself and this room.

Burn's hands rested against me and I felt the tip of his cock rest against my hole. "Ready?" It was barely a whisper and I simply groaned in response. Burn pushed forward and I gave an involuntary gasp as the head popped in. The mix of pleasure and pain was so intense that I couldn't make a sound. It hurt, and Burn stopped moving instantly, allowing me time to adjust. He kept still for a good minute before I relaxed and he moved again, but I couldn't wait that long.

"I don't care if it hurts, please, just do it." I panted.

Burn only hesitated for a moment before he gave one large thrust and filled me. I cried out, a mix of absolute pleasure and pain. Burn held still for about a minute before he began to move in and out, picking up pace with each thrust and kissing my back. It wasn't long before he was pumping himself hard into me and I was on the verge of my release. I wanted to warn Burn, but I couldn't seem to make a sound other than my frantic moans. We were both groaning and crying out, our hot sweaty bodies slapping against each other. I reached for my cock and came hard the instant my hand touched it. I hadn't known an orgasm could feel this good; my whole body was shaking. I was gasping for air and within seconds, Burn was shooting his load into the condom.

Burn collapsed on top of me, pulling himself out of me and wrapping me in his arms. He pulled me against his chest and kissed the back of my neck. I was exhausted, completely spent. I leaned back against Burn's sweaty body, and turned my head so that I could kiss his lips. "Thank you," I managed to mumble before I fell to sleep.

There was no doubt about it, I was in love.