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Down & Up The Road Ch. 03

By: CraCyn55



Chapter 3 – Training and possession

As we left the movie theater and the mall I couldn't stop looking at myself in the reflective surfaces of the store windows; I really did look like a slut I thought to myself, this is who I was and there was no turning back, no half way journey. I wondered where Daren would take me and was ready for what ever he wanted to do. At the same time I knew I was on a self destructive path that promised to take me away from everything that had seemed important almost days before. 

In reality, all of the elements that defined my life before things began with Darren were still important to me; it's probably hard for anyone following this story to believe they ever were considering the terrible way I was treating my family in all of this. Like I said before, it's obvious my life was running on a full dose of selfishness although it didn't occur to me back then. It masked the effects of my truly heartless and cruel behavior on the innocent lives of a genuinely good man and my two adorable children.

I was overdosing on sexual liberation, and I couldn't think of anything that didn't fuel the addiction; I knew Darren could see up my short dress as I climbed into his truck from the driver's door and I made sure I opened my thighs far enough apart so he could see everything as I moved in and slid over to let him climb in after me. 

Darren reached up between my legs and pulled on several of the strands of my thick bush that were sticking out around the thin crotch of the thong and I squealed at the pain and sensitivity; then he slapped my ass affectionately to urge me on. When I settled into the seat and turned to watch him enter I was surprised to meet the gaze of a woman from my neighborhood who had watched the playful but intimate contact and was still staring in shock. Ted and I both knew her and she went to the same church we attended as well.

I panicked at seeing her and wondered how soon word would spread through the neighborhood rumor network of the nasty things Ted's wife was doing with another man. I was flushed and breathless when Darren settled in beside me and pulled me into a wet sexy tongue sucking kiss while the neighbor continued to watch. I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep this a secret and I didn't expect Ted to sit back and let his wife become a slut for someone else when he found out. There was no love in what I felt with Darren, only unbridled lust, and although I loved Ted and Tyler and Jessica I was completely intoxicated by powerful sexy compulsions and even then I think I realized I couldn't stop what I was doing with Darren no matter what it cost.

We drove back to the new store, and as we walked past the old one, the sales associates and staff watched me hand in hand with Darren and knew without a doubt that their boss had already become Darren's fuck toy. They all knew my family as well so there was no mistaking the foolish risk they knew I was taking.

We went behind the construction barrier and he told me to sit in one of the chairs. When I did, I looked up at him and saw him looking at me and knew I was to "assume the pose", so I spread my legs widely. He came to the area between my legs and knelt down, then with penetrating eyes that bored into my very core he said, "You know I own you don't you Sandy?" I gulped and nodded. "You don't belong to Ted any longer or to your family isn't that right?" I nodded again. "And you'll do anything I tell you to, and anywhere, correct?" I nodded again and felt a tear run down my cheek at the knowledge of what he was taking, and what I was giving up.

He bent low and brought his mouth to my panty covered hole. I had never experienced oral sex in any way, so I was in shock when he kissed and ran his tongue up the full length of my wet crotch. This seemed so dirty and felt so good I groaned out loud. "Ohhhhhhhhh goddddddddddd." I moaned as he nibbled my clit through the fabric and wormed his long tongue under the cloth to push it deep inside my soaked pussy, I bucked in climax and then, without letting me come back down in afterglow, he kept up the erotic pressure with the fingers of his left hand while he unfastened his pants with the other. 

Anxious to see his cock, I helped push his pants down until his hard giant tool sprang forward. God it seemed big and I was fascinated with its angry looking hardness and the rigid veins that ran up and down its length. Impatient to claim me and mark me as his territory, he shuttled forward until the large bulbous head was pushing against the wet material of my thong and trying to enter me. He pulled the cloth aside and pushed forward and I wrapped my legs around his torso and pulled him to me as he slid the full length of his shaft deeper into me than any foreign object had ever been. I hissed with lust as each inch filled me and I started to cum like I had never cum before while he was impaling himself in my womb.

It seemed like I continued to cum forever as he stroked his cock slowly in and then out, over and over again., then his own needs for fulfillment finally took over as he started to drive his rigid shaft into me with ferocious urgency. When I felt his body stiffen as he approached orgasm I came again, and we clung together tightly as our heat cooled, not as lovers, but as sex mates. A copious load of cum flowed freely from my open pussy when Darren finally pulled his organ out of me. I had completely surrendered to him, and realized I had taken the risk of reckless unprotected sex with a man, other than my husband. I was an adulteress and even more I was a slut, I was Darren's slut, and what ever happened beyond that was simply going to happen.

We stayed together in the new store for the rest of the day and fucked over and over in every position I could imagine until well after closing time. When he walked me to my car after closing he stripped me naked in the open empty parking lot under the light from an overhead lamp and fucked me again from behind while I leaned against the car. When I arrived home I had been fucked silly and was still full of Darren's cum. I wondered if my recklessness had already made me pregnant and resolved to take birth control precautions immediately because I knew this was going to happen over and over again.

As I slid into bed, I was careful not to wake my husband. I had showered quickly in the guest bath to freshen up, but I didn't flush Darren's cum from my cunt because I enjoyed the dirty way I felt with it still in me and it amplified my guilty conscience which reinforced what a slut I felt I was. As I lay there next to Ted, my fingers swam in the swampy residue of Darren's cum and I masturbated to the wicked memory of the nasty and risky sex.

The next morning, to partially appease my own conscience, I got up early and fixed Ted a nice breakfast before he was off to work. It was a token penance for betraying him the day before. I stopped at the doctor after dropping the kids off at the sitter and got a prescription for birth control pills and samples so I could start taking them immediately. The birth control was more for Ted's protection than my own. Even though this happened before we knew about AIDS, we knew about the clap; pills don't protect you against STD's. The protection was against pregnancy; it was to save Ted from the additional humiliation he would have felt at having his wife become pregnant from another man. 

Apparently Darren had other commitments that day and he never showed up at the job; I was beside myself with fear and anxiety since I was left to spend the entire day only imagining what was going to happen. Several times I got turned on with memory and fantasy and had masturbated in the restroom, but mostly I just worried. Much of the time I was immersed in guilt and fear at wondering how terrible life would be if Ted threw me out like he should. I thought the day would never end and was an emotional mess when I finally got home. 

Ted was up and wide awake, he had made preparations for a special night together. He rented a movie that I had really wanted to see but had missed when it was in the theater, and had my favorite snacks to munch on. The lights were turned low and everything was set when I walked in the door. He took me into his arms and gave me a deep and loving kiss and I began to cry. 

"Did you have a bad day honey?" He asked.

"I guess." I said. How could I tell him that I had been upset and on edge all day because of a guilty conscience and because my "boy friend" stood me up? Pain rushed over me when I realized what a perfectly wonderful man my husband was, and what a perfectly wonderful father and provider he was as well. He was absolutely guiltless in my adulterous betrayal of our marriage covenant. I was the only guilty one; I was completely selfish and cruel in the way I was throwing everything he brought that was good into our marriage right out the window. 

We made love that night and it was painful to me in almost every way. Not physically painful, or painful because he was any less a man than Darren, Ted was gentle, loving and even romantic, but it was painful because I wanted and needed to give him so much more of me than I could. I knew he deserved so much better but we had never learned to express our love with passion. With Darren I expressed my lust passionately and let myself go like an animal, but in a context that was nasty, dirty and without love. Ted deserved so much more, so much better than that, and even though I was capable of bringing a higher level of passion into our bed, I was unworthy to do it and could only feel more guilty.

When we crawled beneath the covers, I cried softly throughout most of the night and into the early hours of the morning. When I finally fell asleep deeply, Ted left me there in bed while he got up and went to work.

At about 11:00 AM, the phone rang, it was Darren. It worried me a little that he had called me at home, but I was still anxious to hear his voice. "I'm coming to pick you up." He said with authority. I tried to protest and told him I would meet him at the store, but he was on his way and wouldn't be deterred. "I've got to get the kids to the sitter next door." I protested, and Darren quickly said, "I'll pick you up there then", and hung up. I rushed to get the kids ready and make myself presentable as well. Darren obviously liked me looking sluttish, but my neighbors wouldn't appreciate it. I didn't want them to know what I was becoming yet, so I put on a modest length light summer dress over brief panties and a sexy bra.

I herded the kids out the door and over to Sarah's hoping I could get back before Darren showed, but I heard the engine of his truck behind me as he turned into the drive and I stepped into Sarah's house. I was anxious to get past the greetings and good-bys before Darren ended up knocking on the door, and left my friend and neighbor standing at her door as I waved by-by to my kids before they ran off and I stepped outside.

Darren opened the passenger door and I climbed up into the seat. Come 'ere he said, patting the seat beside him. I had hoped he would drive off before I had to cuddle close to him, but gulped and slid over blushing as I knew Sarah was still watching from her door. He made me put both feet on the transmission tunnel so my knees were high and visible to my friend as she stood on her porch. It was obvious he was looking down into my lap as Sarah watched the material of my skirt slip from my knees, leaving them obviously bare. "Take off your panties." He said, leaving no room for debate or protest. My skin flushed red and I paused before moving. "Make sure you keep your knees where your friend can see them." Darren said. "I want her to see you taking them off for me."

I almost passed out with humiliation and lust as I lifted slightly so I could slip the bikini panties from my ass and pull them into Sarah's vision at my knees and then to my feet where I lifted my legs and pulled them off. Darren took the panties and held them to his face taking in my aroma and moistness against his stubbled skin. Then he hung them like a flag from his mirror.

"Keep your knees up, and spread them." He said, and I did as directed while swooning in dizziness. With absolutely nothing left to Sarah's imagination Darren directed his attention to the sex between my spread thighs as he fondled the soft curls of my thick bush. He pulled the swollen lips of my pussy wide with both hands and inserted his magic fingers, then he brought me to a shameless orgasm as I bucked and tossed my head for Sarah to witness there in her driveway. When I slumped in post-orgasmic exhaustion, Darren smiled at Sarah, tipped his hat and drove off.

It surprised and puzzled me when we stopped at a salon near the mall and Darren led me inside. He introduced me to his friend David, a beautician and barber. "She needs the special trim and shave", he said to David, and I was led past a curtain to a more private area of the shop. David had me lay back on a reclining barber chair that had an apparatus attached that was almost like the stirrups found on examination tables in a gynecologist' office. With my feet positioned, David pushed my skirt up, and had me lift my bum up so he could push my dress even higher; he pushed everything all the way up above my bra so I was effectively naked.

I blushed red at being so exposed to a stranger I had only met a few minutes before, but sexually excited nevertheless. David left me there exposed with us only behind a light curtain that seemed to offer little security as he made preparations. He filled a small basin with warm water and washed my private area, and then applied warm shaving foam as he proceeded to shave the aroused lips of my pussy completely bare. He trimmed my hairy bush back leaving a much smaller tuft of curly black hair above my baby smooth pussy. At least twice during this procedure, one of his associates came through the curtain to ask a question as he or she looked over David's shoulder to check me out. The girl who came in kept the curtain pulled back and I could even see cars pass in the street and people walk by.

When David finished up and patted me dry he leaned forward and kissed my sensitive cunt, I jumped from the unexpected contact even though I was highly aroused, and then he slid his long tongue deep inside my pussy and slipped three fingers into my hole. I came quickly and bucked up into his face as he pumped his fingers into me until I screamed for mercy. All the while Darren sat close by watching and smiling. When David raised his head, Darren said, "That's one hell of a sweet pussy, isn't it buddy?"

"Fucking A, it is that." David said. "I could get lost between those beautiful legs. You wouldn't mind if I took out the shaving fee with a free fuck would you friend?"

The conversation was about me and very intimate, but left me completely out of it. I had just been eaten and fingered to climax by a total stranger and now a decision was being made by the two of them about my being fucked. Enough conversation had passed between them during the shave so that David already knew Darren's "girl friend" was someone else's wife. He had made a point of telling everyone who had stepped inside the curtain about my status as well. Darren simply said, "Whatever you want man, I owe you."

I shivered as I watched David stand up, and remove his pants. I was paralyzed with the lust that had built during the shave and intensified by the climax and conversation. The total nastiness of being the medium of barter or currency between these two friends was intensely erotic and I just waited in arousal to be taken again.

David's cock was not quite as large as Darren's, but the added nature of forbidden lust with a stranger compensated and I was soon over my head in erotic lust as David pushed my bra above my tits so he could look at and fondle my swollen breasts and roughly pinch my erect nipples. I was dizzy and wet as I felt this strange new prick pushing itself all the way into my deep cunt, and wrapped my legs tightly around his torso as we fucked together wildly. I was too far gone to be quiet and soon the entire shop was inside the curtain watching, workers and customers alike. One of them could have been a relative or close friend for all I knew, and the possibility of that in my mind made it even more outrageous and exciting.

David fucked me in that position endlessly and I came several times; climaxes were intensified as I made prolonged visual contact with one of the observers. David seemed to have incredible stamina as his cock never softened at all. After a long time, he pulled me off the seat, and after he pulled the last of my clothes completely off, he had me lean against it while he took me from behind. He would spank my ass from time to time and pose us both so everyone could watch the length of his cock sliding in and out of my oily pussy. I was completely aroused and almost in a constant state of orgasm as I imagined I was in a porn movie or on a stage in front of an audience. I was completely lost in the delirious feelings of wanton lust.

When David increased his pace and force as he summoned forth his climax, everyone's anticipation rose to crescendo. When his body stiffened and he stabbed my womb with staccato thrusts to draw every ounce of cum from his balls I growled like a bitch in heat and there was noticeable admiration from the crowd, when they saw his cum leaking from my full pussy to coat his softening shaft they clapped and cheered.

I finally felt conspicuously naked and exposed and scrambled for my clothes. With everyone standing there watching, I dressed like doing a strip tease in reverse, and when I felt presentable I let Darren lead me from the salon. I still remember thinking I wouldn't have minded being sat back down in front of everyone and forced to assume my position while David showed off his artistry on my newly shaved pussy, but it didn't happen.

When we got back to the mall, Darren's cock was completely hard from thinking about what had happened so far that day and he pulled it out and told me to take it in my mouth. Fellatio was new to me as well, but he didn't have to force me. I was turned on and it seemed almost natural to suck on that big shiny shaft. I don't think I was as good as someone with experience, but I sure tried hard. I was ready to follow his urging and not too naïve to be afraid of having him cum in my mouth, but when he pistoned his hard prick deep into my throat with need I was not prepared for the large load of sperm he shot into my mouth; I almost strangled as I learned to handle the volume and swallow it down.

We went back into our mall and returned to the construction area; once there he stripped me completely naked and fucked me over and over, whenever he wanted to, during the rest of the afternoon and evening. In between fucks he relapsed briefly into the work he still had to get done. I felt so naughty being naked and vulnerable for much of the day, but I was high on lust and ready for everything. I almost got caught when Teri, from the store, came in to look for me. Fortunately I was close to cover when I heard her call out for me and was able to hide. Darren said I was out on an errand, and after an uncomfortable pause she left. 

When she was gone, I walked to where she had stood just to make sure she couldn't have seen me. She hadn't seen me alright, but she certainly saw my clothes, including the skimpy underwear I had been wearing. I slipped my dress on quickly and went into the store to talk with her. 

Teri studied my dress closely and I knew that she knew I had been hiding naked somewhere in the construction area and that I was naked under my dress. The look in her eyes was more than accusing, it was condemning. She probably knew my family as well or better than anyone else in the store, and she adored my husband and kids. She had told me many times how lucky I was to have someone like Ted in love with me and she was certain that my world revolved around my kids, Tyler especially. It certainly should have; I was the luckiest and stupidest girl in the world, and both Teri and I knew it as we stood there without speaking. Like I have said before, I was just too damned stupid and selfish to let it matter.


Down & Up The Road Ch. 03



Back in the construction zone, it was proper business for the rest of the day. That night however, Darren told me were going to a club before I went home. "It's already late," I protested, but he focused an angry glare in my direction to affirm his control before smiling and patting my ass as I crawled into his truck. 

It surprised me again as we pulled into the dusty dirt parking lot of a strip club and I blushed. I didn't think anything could shock me, but I was nervous and on edge as we walked inside. Darren stopped briefly to talk with the guy in charge who was there to make sure cover charges were collected, but I couldn't hear what was being said.

We sat at a table near the lighted stage and for several moments where I nervously spent my time looking around to make sure I couldn't see anyone I knew and to get a feel for what was going on. I was surprised to see several dancers moving to the music directly in front of one of the male patrons seated at one of the small tables. I was even more surprised to see how much they were taking off in the one on one situation and what they seemed to be doing or allowing; several looked like they were having outright sex, right there in the middle of the club.

Eventually I started to watch the dancers on stage, and even became excited as I watched them take off the few clothes they had on in front the cheering crowd of over eager men and boys. The more I studied the scene, the more excited I became as I related to the women dancing and baring their bodies before the raucous crowd. I was becoming intoxicated in that environment even though no liquor was sold since the dance club was licensed for total nudity. When I appeared comfortable in the situation, Darren started to talk with me, and point out the things he liked and disliked in the dancers. 

Darren was an extremely patient and seductive person, who could also be very strong, confident and dominant; he appreciated the dancers who incorporated seduction in their routines and had little patience for those who appeared technically and commercially oriented. In other words he didn't appreciate the dancer's skill at dancing and climbing poles as much as he appreciated their ability to tease and erotically seduce the audience. All of the girls were obvious pros, and they were definitely skilled, but none of them really got his motor running. I remember thinking how pleased I was that the women dancing were not succeeding in turning on "my man" after all. That's when Darren pulled me close and spoke softly into my ear. "You're up next Sandy." He said. It took a moment to process what that meant, then in answer to my shocked and puzzled expression he continued. "When she's through, It's your turn to dance for us."

"You want me to "dance"." I said in shock.

"I want you to get up on that stage and turn every man in this room crazy while you take off every stitch of your clothes, and spread those bare pink pussy lips so wide we can see your hungry hole." He said, and my whole body convulsed in shock and arousal at the impact.

I was snapped out of my stupor as I heard the crowd clap for the girl on stage while she took her bows and collected the money that had been passed to her by the eager rail sitters. Darren stood and gestured toward the manager who was standing by the disc jockey as he stood and I struggled to my feet. 

"One of our regulars has brought us a special treat tonight." The DJ said. "Her name is Sandy, and Darren says he borrowed her from her husband tonight so she could strip for you. It's her first time on stage guys, so let's give her a big welcome so she knows you're not bums. Make sure you give her a big tip; that's all she makes since she's not on staff guys, so don't be cheap."

Darren led me to the short flight of steps that led to the elevated stage and I could barely walk as my weak legs somehow got me up onto the shiny dance surface. Someone had already picked out music that started with a noticeable low seductive beat. I was powerless to dance a routine or follow any choreography; I simply allowed my body to sway to the beat as the music slowly hypnotized me. In the process I moved into an erotic haze as I drifted in and out of my fantasy world with sex and Darren.

As I became more aroused, the tale-tale signs showed up, stiff erect nipples, moisture between my legs, and the heat that crept into my mind and controlled my motion. Soon my movements became more seductive and I was able to think about the things I believed would excite Darren, and the men watching. I was still wearing my "street clothes", the conservative light summer dress I had dressed in that morning when I left the house.

Guys close to the rail were leaning in, craning their necks so they could see up my slightly flared skirt and it made me feel wicked and naughty. I teased them by pulling my skirt up my legs almost to my panties, and then I would drop it back in place; I allowed my shyness to show through. Each time I pulled my skirt up, I pulled it a little higher and held it up a little longer; it wasn't long before I pulled it high enough to show all of my bikini covered ass and pussy. My own excitement set the pace, and when I was dying already to take off my panties I knew the crowd would go wild.

While I held my dress high, I slowly hooked my thumbs into the waist band of my panties and let my skirt fall a little to hide what we all knew was happening. I wiggled a little as I worked them down, mostly to let the guys know for sure what I was doing, and they went crazy when they saw the sheer white fabric slide down my legs and puddle at my feet. I stepped out, one foot at a time and then turned around and spread my legs about three feet apart as I bent at the waist to pick them up so I could hand them to Darren. I'm sure no one could see that much when I was bent over, because my skirt was too loose and long to ride up that much on its own; I reached back before straightening up and slowly pulled it up until they could see the tops of my legs without being able to see my bare pussy lips. 

Some of the guys were going so wild I thought they were going to slide over the rail so they could look up my dress. I was really into it by then and was thrilled with the power I felt I had over them. Darren smiled broadly when I squatted down in front of him to hand him the panties; I spread my legs wide as I pulled his open hand between my thighs and let him slip the tips of three fingers between the wet slick lips of my smooth cunt. The honest look of arousal on my face as he played with me sent another chorus of lusty noise through the room.

I pulled his wet slick fingers out and up so we could all see the moisture shinning on them and then pushed them to his mouth so he could suck them clean as the crowd roared its approval. 

I twirled into the middle of the floor again and started to move to the strains and beat of a new song and soon I was back to pulling my skirt up again while the crowd cheered as it went higher and higher. They loved my well trimmed pussy and the smooth white flesh of my bare tummy and they started to go crazy again once when they could finally see the lacy white bra covering my full breasts and erect nipples. I pulled the dress over my head and off and somehow felt especially naughty dancing around in just my high heeled shoes and a sheer bra. I fondled my own tits through the lacy fabric and pinched my already hard nipples as they watched me play with myself on stage.

When I finally pulled the straps off my shoulders and reached behind my back to release the clasp, there was a hush of silence before the crowd broke out in thunderous noise. I had never thought of my breasts as special, but they were naturally full and firm even without the support of a bra. I have been told often since that night that they rank with the best and I never felt more beautiful or desired than I did that night, moving around wonderfully naked in front of a rowdy house of stiff cocks while my husband was at home with the kids, probably asleep and blissfully unaware of how wild and promiscuous his wife had become.

I stayed on the stage and spread my legs as I danced and strutted before these rutting males for as long as they let me. I played with my pussy and even brought myself to orgasm as the guys whistled and clapped and stomped their feet. Three of the admirers proposed marriage and I laughed if off knowing they were just worked up. Nevertheless, like I said, I felt more desired and sensual than I had ever felt before and knew there was something special about this smoky throbbing room full of sexual arousal and fantasy. This is what I had always imagined sex would be like. To be free and naked in front of wild men pumped up on testosterone and paying homage to my body was a dream come true; all the naughty wicked dreams I had had over the years in the privacy of my own mind. I wouldn't soon be prepared to give up this erotic lust filled life no matter what.

When I collected all my tips, I had picked up over $270.00. It blew me away to think I could make that much money in just a few minutes. The manager cornered me quickly and offered me a permanent position dancing. He never paid a guarantee or base, but said he would make an exception in my case; if I would start dancing as a regular he guaranteed me $2,000.00 per week minimum. "Any less than $2,000.00 a week, I'll make up out of my till." He said. 

I had enjoyed stripping naked in front of those men more than anything I had ever done in my life, and although sex with Darren seemed totally compatible with that, it also seemed less important now than it was before. All of a sudden, the thrill of stripping and this intoxicating environment had taken center stage as the object of my sexual awakening. In some respects, it seemed less a destructive threat to my life than fucking with Darren or being given to one of his friends. Ted could never condone or accept me fucking other men but somehow stripping seemed more like an extremely intense job that was bizarre and shocking, but somehow not as adulterous. I imagined in my own mind that if somehow Ted could accept my desire to strip and would let me dance at the club, I would give up the sex with Darren and try to make our marriage work. 

I couldn't see in my own mind how completely ridiculous that possibility was, but was determined to find a way to try when the shit finally hit the fan. Somehow, even though stripping was not socially respectable for most wives and mothers, it actually seemed to be a credible career choice given the amount of money that could be made in such a short period of time. I was dying to find out more about what was going on in these "private dances", but it was already very late, and I couldn't imagine staying there any longer.

I became insistent that Darren take me home immediately; it almost surprised me that I could feel some control over my life again after having surrendered so much of it to Darren. He didn't seem any too anxious to leave, or to see me this assertive, but he finally gave in and we said our goodbyes to well wishers and the management. "Remember my offer." Randy said as he slipped his business card into my hand. I clutched it tightly and vowed to remember, and find a way so I could call back.

"Can I have yours?" He whispered into my ear. "I don't have one." I whispered back.

When I turned to say thanks to another customer who was slipping a twenty into my other hand I felt hand slip up the backs of my legs to my waist, and before I could react, my panties were pulled down to my feet and I was forced to step out of them. When I turned to see who had stripped them from me, I was met by Randy's smiling face. He held them up clutched tightly in his fist, "This will do." He said through a broad smile, and Darren pulled me through the door.

It was almost 2:00 AM when I quietly unlocked the front door. Darren had made me take off all my clothes while we rode home and give him a blow job while he tried his best to stay on the road. He didn't let me dress again until we were parked in my driveway. It took several minutes because he was determined to bring me off again with his fingers before he would let me go. The short time it took me to walk from his truck to the front door was much to brief to be able to collect my thoughts and prepare to enter. I stood there for a moment while Darren drove away as I tried to bring some calm sense of reality into my brain, then opened and stepped through the door into the dark house.

Familiarity with my surroundings led me safely to a table lamp at the end of the living room couch, and I pushed the switch to turn it on. I felt secure with a small amount of light illuminating the room, and quickly scanned the area to make sure I had a clear picture of where everything was before I turned it off again and proceeded on. It was then that I saw figure of Ted's body seated in a chair located in a darker corner of the room. His eyes were open and amplified by the light reflected in them. I gasped and brought my hand to my mouth to stifle any sound as I stood there paralyzed with fear and apprehension.

After what seemed like an eternal silence, Ted spoke, evenly without allot of emotion. "What's going on Sandy?" He asked. His question was framed as though he knew nothing, but somehow I felt he knew everything and that it would be pointless and damaging to try to lie. Somehow I had the presence to turn it back to him and simply said, "What do you mean honey?" He snickered lightly and I thought the term of endearment might have been a mistake. 

"I mean: why didn't you take your car today; why did some guy pick you up at Sarah's; why did you take your panties off for him; why were you running around the construction area without your clothes all day and why did you come home so damned late? And by the way, why didn't you put tour clothes on until you were parking in our fucking driveway? I was in shock, not because he knew so much, after all every question was valid, I was in shock because, believe it or not, in the six years we had been married, you could have counted on part of one hand the number of times Ted had ever sworn.

There was no doubt Ted knew an awful lot, or a lot of awful, and I wasn't prepared yet to defend myself or answer his charges, hell we both knew there was no logical defense, even all of you know that. I was caught, "red handed" so to speak, all I could do was start to cry. Shit I hate that as I think back, what a pile of crap that is to dump on "womanhood", the stereotypical reaction to cry, but I couldn't do anything else. Thank heaven Ted didn't fall for that crap, he just sat there quietly and let me cry to myself until I realized for myself that tears didn't really fit.

"It sounds like you already know quite a lot." I said. "What more can I say?" I said more than I asked hoping somehow that this could all be postponed until the next day so I could put some face of reason to it all before we hashed it all out.

"Sandy," Ted said softly, "I already know a lot, but I don't know everything, I don't know how far this thing has gone, I don't know if our marriage is already over, most of all though I don't know why?" 

I felt the tears fill my eyes and run down my cheeks, but I stifled back the audible accompaniment as I searched through the pain in my heart for a way to try to explain my foolishness. I was suddenly desperate with the need to save my marriage, my life with Ted and my wonderful children, all of the things I had taken so for granted. I tried to form an explanation of how I was seduced into wickedness by the typical "bad boy" contractor and started to hold back on the extent of my promiscuity not so much to lie to Ted but to hide the reality of how badly I had behaved from my own mind. I couldn't begin to defend myself to my husband with the entire burden of my guilt out on the table.

I finally admitted to having been fucked by Darren, but not really willingly. I hid the trip to the salon and even the trip to the strip club. All night we talked until neither of us could talk any longer or stay awake. We slept briefly, but not comfortably, Ted didn't hold me in his arms or do anything I hoped to indicate an effort to salvage our marriage. When I awoke still in the living room on the couch, I was alone. Ted was gone, the kids were gone; it was almost noon.

I was depressed and despondent as I showered and scrubbed my body to try to clean off all the disloyalty that was fastened to me. As I dressed modestly the phone rang. I raced for it hoping it was Ted, instead Darren's firm voice boomed through the lines, "Where the hell are you Sandy?" Dumb shit I thought, you called me at home and I answer, "Where the hell do you think I am?" I said. "Listen Darren I don't have time for you right now. The shit hit the fan with Ted when I got home so late you stupid shit so leave me alone while I straighten this out OK!"

Darren wanted to argue, he really wanted to regain his control that he felt was slipping away and I just didn't have time for it, so I hung up and disconnected the phone. I quickly straightened up and raced from the house, afraid Darren would come there and desperate to find Ted. At Ted's office, I learned that he had stopped in briefly early on and then had left for the day. Everyone was staring at me, maybe they all knew by now.

I raced to my mom's house and scared her to death I'm sure. I must have looked like a madman in the frenzy I was in as tried in panic to find my life that was slipping away. I mumbled enough to let her know how bad things were and then I was gone. I drove by the mall twice confirming the absence of Darren's truck before I rushed in to tell Teri that I was going to be unavailable for a while. When she saw how distraught I was I confessed that she had been right the day before, we both knew how stupid I had been but I was finally trying desperately to save my marriage.

I drove around aimlessly not knowing what to do or where to go and finally decided to go back to Ted's office before returning home. When I got there, the looks were even more accusing; they told me that Ted had not returned, but that "my boyfriend" had stopped by to see Ted also. I could see the accusation registered on their faces as I rushed from the building blinded by the fear that all was lost forever.

I was surprised to find Ted's car back in the garage when I got home and raced inside to meet my fate or plead my love and remorse. Ted was in the kitchen, he was standing at the sink with a cold glass of ice water still in his hand when I rushed in. I expected the same look of hostile contempt that I had painted on the faces of everyone I had seen that day and on the mirror of myself as well, but he was calm, almost sensitive and caring as he took in my appearance.

He said nothing, just looked at me as though waiting for me to continue my defense. When I told him I had been desperately trying to find him, he simply asked, "why?" "I thought you had left, and taken the kids and were gone forever." I said.

"Why would I leave?" He said. "What's going to happen to us hasn't been decided yet, but if this breaks us up, I won't be the one leaving." I felt a chill run through me even though he said it as a matter of fact, not in anger. "I still haven't heard the full story yet." He added in a way that confirmed he knew there was more that I was holding back. 

"Isn't it enough to know how terribly sorry I am for what I've done, that I swear I never give you cause to doubt or distrust me again, that I do whatever I have to for the rest of my life to make it up to you and repair the damage?" I asked and said. "Think of the kids for hell's sake; let's not give them a broken home."

"In the first place Sandy, I believe I am the only one here who is thinking about the kids, it isn't my choice to give them a broken home, but neither of us will be right again until we come to grips with why this has happened.




Down & Up The Road Ch. 03



I thought I was being noble and trying to save Ted from pain, but I know now it was really because it was so hard for me to admit to myself how selfish and hurtful I was to those around me as I indulged in self gratification of fantasies and urges that I was un willing to control or learn to express appropriately within my marriage covenant. Ted already knew the cause of my betrayal, he didn't need to learn it from me, he just needed to hear it, he needed to know that I knew what caused it and that I was prepared to live my life differently in order to put it behind me and go forward.

When I tried to proceed by selecting what I confessed and what I tried to hide, things mired down again and the more I fought against myself, the more impossible things became. Another thing I realize, as I look back from here and now, is that in reality there were still powerful compelling urges that had been awakened in me that were not going to easily fall back to sleep. 

One by one, dirty nasty details of what I had done or let be done came out. Teri had reluctantly told him what she knew of my behavior in the construction area. I finally admitted that I had stripped naked at the club in front of at least fifty men and even confessed at wanting to strip there regularly when given the guarantee offer by the manager, but I didn't admit it until he produced the panties that Randy had stripped from me as we left the club. Apparently Randy had auctioned them off and one of the guys there had recognized me as Ted's wife and thought it would be a kick to present them to him at work. He didn't like Ted too much; Ted was always too honest and proper for his way of thinking.

It won't surprise anyone that Ted and I could never resolve the problems I brought into our marriage. I shouldn't include me in that. Ted honestly did everything he could to give me the opportunity to commit to change. Way down deep we both knew I was the one who hadn't come to grips with controlling my desires, or imagined needs; I slipped up, and would again until I changed my way of thinking. I'm certain that much that could have been done to add life, passion and even lust into our marriage appropriately, but I was the one who refused to consider sex in the same context as love.

The divorce was amicable and even generous on Ted's part. He got custody of the kids and I was provided with flexible visitation privileges without a lot of responsibility. The clothing company fired me because my loss of objectivity had allowed Darren to take advantage of the company. Court battles and settlements went on for three years between them until he finally declared bankruptcy. 

I blamed Darren for my own weakness and saw him alone only a few times after that night at the dance club, those were not pleasant encounters; they were filled with anger on both our parts, on Darren's for loosing control over me, on mine for having lost the best part of my life even though I still didn't fully realize what that meant then. The last time, Darren completely lost his temper, and beat me badly. If the good citizens who couldn't have helped overhearing the commotion hadn't intervened, he might have killed me. It didn't take much to get a restraining order to protect me from him after that.

My interest had shifted a little that night in Randy's club from Darren to dancing. There was a powerful urge for exhibition at the core of my selfish lust, and after the divorce, my self esteem was so low I was ready to bare my sole, so to speak, to the world. I spent the next seven years stripping at Randy's club and then on the road. His guarantee held for a year and a half and then after the second month in a row that he "made up the difference", he cancelled the arrangement. Never the less, money continued to be good, I made a good six figured income for all seven years and squirreled away a half a million in retirement savings. I even put myself through school in business and eventually ended up in charge of the collection division of Apex Financial, just outside Portland, Oregon. 

It's been twenty six years since I married Ted, and I've never been married since. I've stayed close to him and the kids throughout the years and was invited to and participated in all of the important rites of passage as my kids grew into tremendous adults. Ted remarried a wonderful woman. A fun Latina from South America who was a perfect mother for our kids and the three they had as well. She was a much better mother than I would have been for many years. It was hard to not feel guilty when I was stripping and fucking like a rabbit, but I tried to show my love as genuinely and properly as possible and Ted was always supportive and has never said anything other than the best about me to the kids.

I can tell you something now without any reservation. If I had it to do all over again, would I have done anything different, damned right. In spite of a full diet of sex and lust, I have never spent a day without loneliness and regret. Sex, even now, seems to answer an element of hunger or emptiness, but after it's over and I'm alone and quiet again, I feel even more empty than I did before. The older I get, and the farther I move in time and distance from the little perfect family of my past, the more deeply I feel that emptiness that grows more suffocating every single day. You see, I have never been able to trust myself enough to love anyone else deeply or to run the risk of hurting them badly like I must have hurt Ted and Tyler and Jessica Davis. I still love them all, more than ever, and I always will.

To be continued as Ted tells his story.



Down & Up The Road Ch. 04



Ted Davis 

I recently had the opportunity to read Sandy's account of our life together as well as the brief summary of her and my life following our marriage. I think it's appropriate for me to share a different perspective on those events, and what they really meant to all of us left behind so to speak. 

Sandy's recollection of how we met and married was essentially accurate. Her apparent impression on our sexual expectations and interests in life and marriage may have been a little off target. I was like the majority, or typical male youth in interest and sexual imagination although the way I was raised placed incredible pressure and expectation on all young males particularly to live above and in control of natural passion and desire. 

Couple this pressure with adolescent shyness and at least a little lack of self confidence and it wouldn't be surprising to learn that I was well beyond high school before I even kissed a girl. I was 22 years old before I met and married my sweetheart Sandy, who was still a teenager. By that time, I had served an enlistment in the Army and enrolled in college where we met. 

I had learned a lot about myself by the time I got married, mostly that I could accomplish more than I normally expected to. As I look back now, I would say I was an over achiever; not naturally blessed with a dominating physical appearance and presence, I relied on my wiry tenacity to get the job done. 

In the Army I had qualified as an expert with a rifle because I drilled myself in the techniques and mental attitude required to perform on my own time during the weekend before testing. Although that alone may be no real accomplishment, I scored third highest among 203 men in the firing test after posting mediocre and disappointing results in the month of train fire that preceded it, and felt in complete control of myself and everything around me during the test day. 

Rank came quickly to me, not because I was a "brown noser" or "apple polisher", but because I had made the simple commitment to get the most out of any experience I could, whether it was pleasant or otherwise. No magic in the world would give me the capability of transporting me to some other dimension at will, so I could either learn something positive where I was, or else I could waste my time. I could never accept the option to waste or even regret any experience. 

During the years of High School "shyness", I learned a lot, or at least thought I did about the opposite sex. I had no problem talking to girls, and no shortness of friends who were girls; I just had difficulty handling the emotional consequence of close relationships. If I held hands with a girl, it emotionally affected me for about two weeks. It left me tongue tied and twiterpated. No surprise that I didn't get emotional close enough to kiss. In spite of this, it was easy for people to talk to me, and I was a good listener. 

I asked girl after girl, what they really wanted in the ideal man. Over time I felt I had painted a pretty good picture of what women hoped for in a soul mate. They all claimed to want a man who first of all respected them. Then they looked for personality, sense of humor, honesty and sensitivity; not always in the same order. Their ideal man would always be chivalrous and caring and mostly romantic. They all were saying that they really wanted to be worshiped and treated like a fairy princess. No problem, I thought, I can learn to master all of that just like I could learn to excel in discipline, leadership and accuracy on the firing line. 

The problem I learned, is that many women, not necessarily all, but many claimed to want a prince charming in their life, but at the same time were drawn like a magnet to selfishness domination and a controlling force; all of the things that seemed to be the natural tools of the typical male chauvinist. 

I had occasion to visit with a workmate one day while I lived in a moderate sized city in the western United States. A central feature of this city was a church owned college that attracted high principled young adults from a wide area. This was a natural setting for people to meet court and marry the person of their dreams. 

The young man from the east roomed with three other easterners; none of them were members of the church that supported and founded the college. I asked him why on earth he came all the way out west and was simply working in a menial job and not going to college himself. "Every body in the East where I'm from knows that the best looking girls in the country come here for school." He said. "You may be right." I conceded. "But they're all looking for nice eligible young men who are members of their church to marry." 

"Oh, I know they want to marry "Good church going guys." He said quickly, "but they want to play around with guys like me until they do." Blood chilled in my veins as he spoke those words, and I challenged whether this scroungy looking "bad boy" could get to first base with any of the "prime catches" of the area. "You would be amazed at the great fucks I get on a regular basis, my three roommates will agree, we get all we can handle." 

All the way through High School, I was confident that virtuous living in my youth would earn me the companionship of a beautiful virtuous wife, but class mates constantly had teased me, saying that "by the time you get ready to get married Ted, there won't be any virgins left." The thought they might be right used to bother me, but after military service and meeting a lot of people who had been wild at times in their life and then later turned out to be exceptional people, it had ceased to bother me what girls may have done before I met them. 

The conversation with my workmate brought everything back for a moment, made me think again at how I would handle shocking revelations or even bad behavior before or even in a relationship. I'm proud of the fact that I've made a commitment to be non-judgmental and realized that I would never be anxious to impulsively react to any situation without knowing all the details at the real heart of the matter, no matter what. 

When I met Sandy, I had not expected or demanded that she be a virgin, it just seemed to be nice bonus. I tried to be devoted sensitive and loving in our courtship and marriage, and even though I had a typical male desire to be sexually adventurous, daring, bold, or whatever, I felt it was my moral and leadership responsibility to set a high standard for the way I treated her. I would never have been comfortable being domineering or treating her like a possession. The one thing, more than any other in our society that tries my patience is when any man physically, mentally or sexually abuses his wife, or any woman for that matter. Domination, control revenge and even expression of anger would take me closer to unacceptable and abusive violation than I would ever want to be. 

In the course of reading Sandy's story, or one of the other stories she has pointed out to me recently, I have noticed numerous comments by "hostile" readers that condemn women for sexual weakness and maintain that the injured party must even-up the score. It amuses me that many harsh comments are submitted by "anonymous" readers. How can anyone carrying such intense opinion and emotion lack the courage to be addressable to anyone who wants or needs to respond? Oh well, this has little to with what I'm trying to say other than to maintain my strong commitment to view everything I can from a positive and constructive perspective. 

As time passed in our marriage, I sensed at least a subtle undercurrent in our intimate relationship that convinced me that sex wasn't perfect between us, or even as good and enjoyable as it should be. It would have been a good idea to get some professional neutral counseling then, to help us discover appropriate expansion of our love making capacities. Sometimes people are reluctant to admit to themselves that they need help in learning how to improve something we think should be natural or instinctive. We think we either have it or we don't, and that if we don't we can't learn or acquire it. 

I can understand how Sandy may have felt caught in a downward spiral of unsatisfying sex in our bedroom, I felt some of it as well, and chastised myself for feeling that way. It should have occurred to me that she might have felt unsatisfied, but I was always determined to make sure her needs were met and worked to provide the romance I thought she needed as well as the sexual stimulation to make sure she experienced orgasm every single time we had sex; most of the time she came because I literally masturbated her to climax because the limited passion in our union didn't often do it. As the strain of intimacy increased between us, it became more and more difficult to drive her over the top while I had my cock buried in her tight pussy. 

I suspect I'm rather average with a six and half inch penis that's fairly thick. In situations of exceptional arousal, I was over seven inches long, but those times were rare, and usually when some element or danger of exposure was included. 

The mind plays such an integral role in making love or having sex that specific attention needs to be addressed to what and how we think about before and during the moments of intimacy. Maybe a little fantasy or role playing helps, but I always felt somehow disloyal if I let fantasy or imagination intrude. 

As our family started to grow with the birth of Tyler and Jessica, the feelings of family that we had looked forward to seemed a little overshadowed by the responsibilities associated with having children. I had to take a second job and still we were behind. When Sandy said she wanted to get a job, I felt devastated. I had always accepted the responsibility to be the family "bread winner" and I felt like a failure when I realized how much we needed her earnings as well. I thought at first that we had just allowed ourselves to expect too much and were living with too many "wants" rather than just the manageable necessities; I realized with time that we were really conservative responsible people caught in the start-up expenses of life and just anxious to have a family before securing financial success. 

I reluctantly agreed and nursed my bruised ego while I watched Sandy grow quickly in self confidence and earning potential. This probably added to the pressure I felt in the bedroom about my performance and I simply masked my concerns there with another dose of high principal and self discipline. 

Even though I didn't see anything specific to indicate that Sandy was interested in someone else until after the construction work had started on the new store space her company was moving into, I sensed the vulnerability of the situation as I watched her become more and more independent and successful. Her work was becoming more important and her patience with the kids a little thinner with each passing day. 

She also seemed to look better physically each time I saw her, with more makeup, better clothes, etc. I guess being with and serving young fashionable girls and women every day showed. Not long after construction started, things really started to change; in a word she looked hotter. I guess some of the readers would say she was starting to look like a bitch in heat. In essence, that's what she was, and although neither one of us really knew it, I'm sure the contractor did. I should have been able to tell by the way she looked and acted that that she was being seduced and was actually in the process of mating with someone else. 

One night she came home, a little later than normal, and when things became quiet without her coming in to bed, I got up to see if she was alright. Somehow the doubt must have already established itself in the back of my mind, because I was quiet and secretive as I crept down the hallway toward the low illumination in the front room. I stayed in shadow as I peered around the corner and was stunned to see her on the couch with her dress pulled to her waist and her panties dangling around one foot; I couldn't see the panty hose she normally wore. The top of her dress was pulled down so both her tits were exposed and obviously aroused. Her bra was off and she was pinching her hard nipple with one hand while the other was busy between her legs. I watched while she bucked and writhed through an intense orgasm and knew without question it wasn't me she was thinking about at the time. 

I slipped quietly back down the hall and into bed, but the intense image of her remarkable climax had left a lasting impression. I had never seen the level of arousal and raw passion that had enveloped her in her features before that night, and although I was extremely concerned about what could be the cause of this excitement, I was also incredibly turned on at having witnessed her raw sexuality. When she climbed into bed, she sensed I was not asleep and I asked her where she had been. "Unwinding", was all she said and I thought at the moment it was much more than that. 

Over the next several days she seemed anxious and intense; I'm sure now it was more from a guilty conscience than anything else. She started to dress like she was going out to impress someone, more like in a seductive context than for an important job interview. When I questioned her about it she was a little abrupt and maintained that it was important to be chick and stylish in the store, that it improved sales and was expected. 

She seemed to be more ready and anxious for sex and took the initiative twice during the next few days. There was a strong suggestion she was holding a boiling passion in check just below the surface throughout sex, and she seemed frustrated when she couldn't let it out. I was worried that this was an indication that she was already deeply involved with another man and remembered the evidence of passion that I had witnessed in her when I watched her masturbate in the front room. I was awash with multiple emotions as I wrestled with anger at her probable betrayal, concern and jealousy at not being able to release that passion myself and the sick guilty feeling for wanting to witness it again even if I wasn't the source of her arousal. 

I became much more observant, searching for clues that would confirm my suspicions or fears. I think she was masturbating often; I heard her more than once the unmistakable sounds of sexual release through the locked bathroom door and when I finally called out to her on one occasion, she said she had a cough and didn't feel well. I know her clothing was much more risqué and the times she returned home got later and later. 

One evening in particular, she had seemed almost distraught, It was on a night where I had taken the initiative and planned a special and romantic evening at home together. I rented a special video, a chick flick she had wanted to see that we had missed during its theatrical run. I also assembled some of her favorite snacks and indulgences to express how I loved and cherished her. 

She was more emotional during the movie than I would have expected and seemed very much on edge. Once again, the sensitive and tender moments in intimacy fell short of their desired effect and the sense of frustration in her seemed even more apparent. I was worried and couldn't begin to guess what I needed to do to win back her love. I had always thought that the answer to any difficult question lay in the effort required to resolve it. Work harder, try harder, feel harder, whatever it took, but strangely I lacked confidence in my ability to solve our problems in the bedroom. 

The previous night I thought I had found strong evidence of her betrayal when she came home late and slipped into the shower of the main guest bathroom before coming to bed. She rarely used that bath except to shave her legs on a weekend, after she cleaned house in the morning. She had in fact taken care of those things in her regular schedule, so I was puzzled at why she would be back in there Monday night. The guest bath had two areas, the outer with a cabinet and wash basin, and the inner with a toilet and shower/tub. When I could hear her in the shower, I quietly entered the outer area and saw the clothing she had worn that day lying on the carpeted floor. My heart beat with anxiety as I reached down and picked up the sheer bikini panties she had worn. I had never seen them before, and didn't realize she even owned a pair that sexy and brief. As I stroked the wet absorbent crotch area I felt sure, but not positive, that the wetness was that of a man's sperm. If indeed it was, it had been deposited there long enough before that the slippery cum had broken down to near water, the odor seemed unique although I didn't have a habit of smelling sperm so I couldn't be sure. 

I was hurt and afraid she might have already gone all the way in adultery. The effort I had made the next night to try to reclaim her as my own once more was probably more my effort to assume her innocence until proven guilty and to tell her that for my part I still loved her in loyalty. 

After the attempted night of romance and making love, I could tell that she was probably already gone but as I listened, long after the lights went out, to her soft crying, I knew there was a particle of loving emotion that was causing guilt and a bitter struggle within her; maybe there was still enough love toward me and the kids in her heart that our marriage was salvageable. 

I'm sure there are many readers out there who are already condemning me for not loosing it completely when I found her panties filled with the evidence of sexual surrender, and beating the shit out of her right then before throwing her out. All I can say is that the one thing I held onto tenaciously, and do so even to this day was my commitment to effort, and also my resolve to withhold judgment until after the person in question had been squarely confronted with the evidence, and was given the opportunity to fish or cut bait. That confrontation was coming quickly, but until then, the effort to do whatever I could still held the upper hand. 

In even the most extreme circumstance, my abhorrence against abuse and brutality would compel me to keep whatever I did on a civil plain. 

The next morning I woke up early, ate a light breakfast and went in to work. Even then I think I sensed things coming quickly to a head, and I didn't want a desk full of work that needed to be done quickly placed on hold if my schedule got interrupted. In the late morning there was something I wanted to ask Sandy about and I called home hoping to catch her. When she didn't answer I called our neighbor who was watching the kids for us. Sarah was upset at something and trying hard to avoid saying more to me about it. For some reason I felt there was something there I needed to explore right then. Since I had been productive all morning, I told the receptionist that I had a personal matter that I needed to attend to, and left. 

When I got to Sarah's house, I found her on the phone. She had really been involved talking animatedly to someone and when she answered the door was surprised to see me and anxious to cut her call short. She looked nervous and a little flustered as she responded to my probing questions. I wanted to know if she knew anything about what might be going on with Sandy, and I guess she thought I knew even more than I did. 

"I'm sorry Ted." She said. "I just didn't know what to think when I saw Sandy get in the truck with her, ah "friend". 

"What makes you emphasize "friend" Sarah?" I asked. "What did you actually see?" 

Sarah was uncertain about what to say again but finally told me how Sandy had snuggled up close to the guy and then with her knees clearly visible to Sarah so she could plainly see, Sandy had taken off her panties and given them to the guy and then with Sarah standing there, obviously watching, Sandy had spread her legs wide while her boy friend obviously finger fucked her to a wild orgasm. In spite of all I already knew, it still shocked me that my own sweet, normally reserved wife could be that brazen and outrageous with another man in front of a neighbor and friend. 




Down & Up The Road Ch. 04



I turned and walked from Sarah's house without saying another word. I drove straight to the mall, and forced my way past the barrier into the construction area of the new store. I was determined to catch them both and fully confront my cheating wife. 

I was disappointed to find the place empty, and looked around the area closely as I tried to picture the adulterous behavior of the mother of my children. I was sick and empty and finally left, more heart broken and disappointed then than full of rage. I stopped in at the old store and saw Teri, one of the employees I knew. She seemed surprised and a little concerned to see me there and asked if I was looking for Sandy. I told her I had gone to the new store space and didn't see anyone there, and Teri seemed almost relieved. I told her to tell Sandy that I had stopped by when she saw her, and left. 

As I walked through the parking lot, I passed behind a pickup truck with the driver still seated behind the wheel. His head was thrown back like he was really into the music on his stereo, and I smiled as I heard him yell out with enthusiasm. Then I felt almost embarrassed as I saw other movement in the truck and realized a girl was performing oral sex on him. I had no idea that it was probably my own wife giving him a blow job. Neither Sandy nor I had given or received oral sex before so it was not the kind of thing that would have immediately popped into my mind at first sign, and I remember thinking, my god, was the whole world going crazy with sex. 

When I took driver's education as a prospective teenage driver, an important component to the course was a module referred to as "defensive driving". I had accepted the wisdom behind that concept and constantly tried to prepare for the unexpected by imagining the worst things that could happen on the road, then I would determine the correct way to handle the situation safely so that if the unthinkable ever happened, I would have already rehearsed the corrective measures and could act almost instinctively. I applied the same philosophy in everything I did, but I never imagined in my most impossible imaginings the things that were happening then and had not rehearsed any method of handling them sensibly. 

I spent most of the remaining afternoon driving and parking and sitting and thinking. Late in the afternoon I ended up in the lobby of a law firm where a good friend of mine worked. I asked the receptionist if David Larsen was available. She paged him, gave him my name and then invited me to sit for a moment. "Mr. Larsen will be with you as soon as he finishes with a client." She said, and I sat down and tried to find a magazine to occupy my thoughts. 

"Ted! What brings you in here?" David's voice rang out waking me like the morning alarm. "I just stopped by to see a friend." I said, and then awkwardly I continued. "Actually, I have a troubling situation, and I need some advice." David sensed a low demeanor in me and quickly led me into his private office. I spent about 40 minutes bringing him up to date and rehearsing the body of evidence I had acquired to that point. He agreed that the evidence, although circumstantial was powerful and convincing. He advised me briefly on some points of law and procedure and told me that when I was ready he would help me secure the best professional assistance available and stand by me throughout a divorce proceeding. 

When I left the office I was much less worried about divorce and all it implied, but at the same time wasn't overly anxious to plunge into proceedings and end everything. I still loved Sandy, incredible as that may seem. I've always believed that whenever someone develops a strong loving relationship with someone else, it's reasonable to assume that the feelings of love were based on something tangible. If circumstances or thinking changed, an adjustment could be necessary. That didn't mean the original basis of love and the love itself should never have existed, or should be destroyed and denied in the process of healing and recovery. It simply meant that things proceeding on from that point needed to be adjusted or modified in accordance with the "new thinking" or the "new circumstances". 

It sounded simple enough as I rehearsed it in my mind, but I knew it was going to be a lot more complicated than that in reality. 

I had to get home and pick up the kids from Sarah, and I still hadn't found Sandy yet. We fixed a light supper and the three of us ate together. It wasn't uncommon for us to do that, but it struck me hard that this was probably the way it would be from then on. After dinner, I spent a couple of hours playing with Tyler and Jessica, and we read some of their favorite stories together. I always tried to help them both read all the words they could, and the older they got, the more they competed with me for reading time. They were both ready for bed by 8:00 and were sound asleep thirty minutes later. 

By 9:00 I was a nervous wreck, and couldn't stand to just sit around and wait any longer. I made a couple of quick calls, and soon had arranged for Sandy's sister Karen to come over for an hour or so, so I could handle a quick emergency. When Karen arrived I was brief and told her I had to hurry because I was too late already, and then rushed out. 

I returned to the mall just about closing time and found the construction area already locked up. The metal security gate was already down at front of the old clothing store, but I could see at least one customer still inside with a sales associate and Teri closing out the day's receipts. When the gate was lifted to let the shopper out I was able to get in. The associate didn't know me but Teri said it was alright to let me in. 

When Teri and I were alone, I asked her, point blank, what was going on with Sandy. She hung her head, dreading the conversation and then finally admitted going into the construction area and finding Darren, but not Sandy. Then she told me about seeing the clothes, underwear included lying on the floor. A few minutes later Sandy had appeared wearing the dress Teri had seen on the floor, and she was certain that Sandy wasn't wearing anything beneath it. She asked me what was going on, as though I knew all about it, and then admitted that she felt sure Sandy was being intimate with the contractor, in fact she was sure Sandy knew what she thought and was making no effort to hide it. 

Teri was concerned and supportive, she said she hoped she was wrong and that I deserved better. At about 10:30, I finally left and didn't know if I could stand to go home or not right then. Throughout this whole odyssey, I had dealt with every emotion imaginable, anger, indignation, jealousy, pain and humility, and one other emotion that confused me and made me angry all over again; arousal. Why on earth was I aroused when I watched Sandy masturbate on the living room couch? Why did my cock get stiff at imagining the pictures of sex associated with her wet panties and the construction area I had wandered through? 

As I mentally pictured the wanton and reckless passion in her acts of adultery I saw the vivid image of lust that enveloped her on that couch. All I could think of was how much I would have loved seeing that intensity and passion during our own intimacy, and I felt devastated at the knowledge that I had not unlocked that kind of lust in her myself. 

In spite of what women and girls had told me for years, there were very few of them who could actually live with a perfect prince charming happily ever after. Some people would maintain that in order to be appreciated, your companion or sweetheart needed to see the less desirable side of you from time to time. "You need to treat her like shit occasionally, even if you have to pretend, if you want to keep her interested." Some friends would say. "I can't do something out of character." I would argue. "If I want to treat her well, I can't pretend to be a bully just so she doesn't take me for granted. I can only be who I am." Well, Ted." I finally had to say to myself. "See where your high principals have taken you now." 

After beating myself up for another twenty minutes, I ended up back home thanking Karen for her patience. She sensed trouble in my burdened countenance and asked pointedly what was wrong. I had to let loose at least a little, and finally admitted that I was afraid her sister was involved with someone else. The idea of that was so foreign to anything she could have imagined that she just stood there open mouthed until I thought she would faint for lack of breathing. 

"Ted, what in the world do you mean, involved? She said.

"You know Karen; I think she is having an affair with another guy." 

"You're crazy!" She sputtered almost out of breath and in shock. "Sandy loves you and the kids more than anything in the world. She would never put your marriage in jeopardy." 

"I thought so too Karen, but there's just too damned much evidence to deny it." I said, and then I spent the next twenty minutes summarizing the things that had led me to what I knew. By the time I had finished, we were both crying and fighting against anger and shame. We agreed to keep things to ourselves for another day, until I could at least confront Sandy with the everything I already knew. I was still anxious to find out if there was another side to this; any kind of reasonable explanation. And I wanted to know if she still loved me for that matter; maybe even find out if she ever really had. 

Karen left for home, only a little less burdened than me, and after I looked in on the kids several times as they slept soundly in the dark, I settled into the chair in the corner of the front wall, away from the door. I sat there in silence for well over an hour, I don't really know how long. At some point I got up and shut off the lights, just to enjoy the cooling comfort of the dark. My pulse raced like an athlete doing short wind sprints whenever a car passed by, until the headlights of a noisy truck illuminated the front of the house as it turned into the drive. 

The curtains covering the front room window had never been designed for complete privacy so by standing toward the center of the room, I could see clearly anything in the driveway. There was enough light that I could see the blond tussled hair of the male driver and the bare skin of shoulders and breasts of my wife Sandy sitting close to him. They started making out as soon as the truck stopped and then without a lot of urging her head bent toward his groin and I could see she was taking his naked prick into her mouth. I was sickened and frozen to my spot as I watched the unmistakable signs of sexual release of the guys face, and then she sat back up and slowly put her clothes back on. 

I had been ready to charge out the door to attack the truck driving shit, but held back because what I really wanted and needed most urgently was to be alone with Sandy, now while the emotion and evidence of her adultery was fresh and undeniable. She was the one I wanted to deal with, and I didn't want the shit head there for distraction at the moment. As she prepared to leave the truck, I returned to my seat to wait. 

I had had a lot of time to get ready for her arrival, and had been quite calm before they showed up. Now I struggled to bring my anger under control as she fumbled with her keys. She stepped into the house and stood still for a moment while she accustomed herself to the darkness. I watched her there, just the dark silhouette of the woman who I had promised to make my life with. In that strange instant, I felt a calmness cover me and knew that in many respects this was a stranger in my house. Not necessarily a threatening or menacing one, just someone who was curiously unknown to me and to my kids. She turned on the small lamp at the end of the couch and then jumped back almost afraid as she sensed then saw my presence. We both stared at each other for a moment, I'm sure she was more uncomfortable than I was and then I simply asked her what was going on. When she asked what I meant, and what I thought I knew, I gave her a brief summary of the highlights from my interviews and discoveries during the past few days. 

We spent a lot of time that night talking about what I knew and Sandy cried a lot as well as she reluctantly confessed much of what I didn't know. An interesting thing happened during all of this that night, the longer we went on and the more she said, the more she seemed to try to hold back. Not just details of her confession, more to the point it was her explanation and justification for the behavior if there was one. When she admitted to having sex with Darren, it was because he seduced her, almost against her will, because she was vulnerable. 

She couldn't say there was a problem with my love making technique or admit the problem was with her perception and attitude toward it, but obviously there was something, and she was unsatisfied if she was "vulnerable" as she said. All I could do was open the door and let her wrestle with the demons within. I couldn't cure her, neither was I inclined to destroy her. Important choices were in her court, and the choices she made by herself would determine if she would bet let back into our world to participate in the adventure of life with us. As you may have learned in Sandy's story, ultimately she couldn't make those necessary choices. 

I felt sorry for Sandy and for our kids more than I felt sorry for me when the divorce was finalized. How do you explain to young children, that the person who gave them life more than anything else couldn't be there all of the time for them while they grew up? My biggest concern was to make sure they knew it was not their fault that their mother and father couldn't live together, and that their mother still loved and valued them even though they would live with me. Tyler and Jessica were still confused, and missed seeing Sandy every day terribly, but she took the time to come by often so we could both make the adjustment for them as easily as possible. 

There were a lot of anxious moments throughout that year with the divorce procedure and adjustments to be made. To the best of my knowledge, Sandy never saw her contractor boy friend after the night I confronted her. He was a bit of a problem for her because he tried to force his way back into her shambled life. I contacted the company Sandy worked for with Teri's assistance and let them know what had been going on. I even told them I would sue them for a share of responsibility in the destroyed marriage if they didn't aggressively look into the probability of financial mismanagement and abuse on his part since he held some control over the one authorizing payments. 

When they asked how I would react to possible action against Sandy, I simply told them she was an adult, and if she did something wrong she needed to be held responsible like anyone else. They thanked me for the information and promised to keep me informed throughout their process. Sandy probably lost her job with the company largely on my account, but it didn't add to the problems between us. They sued Darren for abuses they could document and eventually ran him out of business in the process. 

I know Sandy went through some real depression for a period, and things got pretty desperate for her, but she pulled herself out and went back to work. I just shook my head when I found out she was working as a stripper at a nude exotic dance club. It didn't surprise me. The day after the confrontation I was approached by one of my fellow workers. The guy was arrogant and petty and spent more time complaining about everything around him than in making valuable use of his time. 

He didn't have much use for me and I knew it; "apple polisher" was one of the terms he regularly used to describe me. I think it pissed him off that I was usually selected to take the responsible lead in projects. He thought he was more capable but always overlooked, and resented being forced to work under my direction. 

On the day in question, he was trying to hide a huge grin about something he thought would really get my goat. He placed a pair of sheer sexy panties in my hand and said, "I thought you would want to get these panties back to you wife Ted. She lost them at Lamar's (the strip joint) last night." 

"Thanks Dickey." I said without batting an eye (his name was Richard). "I'm sure she'll be glad to get them back." In side I was fuming but I think I pulled it off without letting him see me upset. With all I already knew and the things Sandy had confessed to the night before, it didn't really surprise me, it was just one more component of damming evidence in the pile. Sandy had later admitted to stripping naked when I confronted her. Much later she admitted to her powerful exhibitionistic desires and confessed that she really enjoyed being the object of sexual interest from so many men. 

As Sandy told you, she stripped at Lamar's and on the road for about seven years, and made a lot of money in the process. I can only imagine how active her sex life was during that time. We never talked about that when we saw each other with or without the kids. When Tyler and Jessica were both teenagers, each one of them learned more details of their mother's adventures and activities. 

When they found a little information on Sandy's behavior on their own they each separately asked me about it, they were ready for the whole story. I spared no detail, and at the same time made no accusations or bitter judgments. I let them both know that I had loved their mother deeply and would never deny it, accordingly I assured them that I loved her still, just like they did. When Jessica asked how I could still love their mother in spite of how she hurt me I said that Sandy had really hurt herself more than anyone else, and that no good purpose was served by me denying the good and honest love I had committed to her from the beginning. 

I would still love Sandy, or anyone that I ever truly loved. I took a loving hold of Jessica's shoulders and looked her square in the eye. "Know this Jessica, I will always love you like this as well. Nothing can ever change that." 

Tears cascaded from Jessie's eyes, as we held each other more tightly and securely than ever before. When we could finally speak again, she looked up at me through sparkling eyes, "I love you daddy, and I always will too." "That's great honey." I said. "Never turn your back on love. That's one thing there is no limit on. The more you have the more you can get, and whenever you put any of it back on the shelf, it will leave a hole inside that can't ever be filled by anything else again. Make sure you always love your mother as well, I don't want to see any holes in you." 

We've always been close as a family, with Sandy in it or not. Her leaving left a big hole, but it was the kind of hole that can be filled back up. A year and a half later I met someone else who lit up my life again. Her name was Maria Elena Para. She had grown up in southern California and moved to Idaho when she was going to college. When she finished school she stayed in the area and worked. She was twenty six when we met, and I was like everyone around her, instantly taken in by her warmth and genuine love of life. 

The company I worked for did a lot of business with the organization she was with. We met by accident one day when someone I was working with suggested we go down a certain corridor because there was a hot looking chick he wanted to see up close. We did and we met; I was impressed enough to make sure I remembered her name but still not anxious to jump back into a relationship quite yet. A week or two later I was in the same building again and as I passed the office she was in I saw her sitting at a desk. She hadn't seen me, but there was a thrill that picked me up and that old nervousness associated with the mating dance that made me pause in the hallway. The impulse grew, and compelled me to turn around; I went back to her office and peered through the doorway. "Hi," I said. "You're Maria, isn't that right?" "That's right." She said with a warm smile, "and you're Ted." My heart actually fluttered when I heard her speak my name, I was flattered that she had remembered. 




Down & Up The Road Ch. 04



We spoke for a few minutes and then I left. I returned a week later and asked her out on a date, she accepted and our courtship had begun. By our fifth date, I knew I was really falling in love, but now for some reason, I was no longer anxious to lay it all out in words and action. A new ingredient had entered into my thinking. Now I was cautious, and held back fom declaring my feelings as soon as I felt them, instead I wanted to hold back until I was sure she was ready and needed to hear the words. 

In w way, the old game of playing hard to get that I had always been opposed to had finally become the natural way to behave and not an artificial game any longer. I didn't have to be mean to get her to appreciate me, just reserved, aloof, and distant while I waited for her readiness. I think we were both the same in that, and our relationship was propelled along by natural energy forces that simply drug us along with them. 

I never knew anyone in my life that could light me up the way she did. When I was low or burdened she picked me up just by her being, and I could never stay down or discouraged. We dated for nine months before we were married and never had sex until our wedding night. We were both members of the same church, even though we had attended different congregations, and we both felt comfortable with the emphasis that was placed of chastity and fidelity. Elena was still a virgin on our wedding night (I referred to her using either or both her names all the time, I loved the sound of them both). She was terrified deep down by the thought of my penetration even though she knew and understood it was such a right and beautiful thing between a man and a woman. 

It took patience, and more than a single forceful assertion to get her relaxed until the tearing of her hymen was no longer a painful prospect. When the jitters of the honeymoon were finally over and we had learned to enjoy the sweetness of each others bodies and making love, it didn't take long to settle into a full and complete relationship. 

We were like most newly wed couples I thought, except that we already had two young children, so the one on one time that most couples get to enjoy at the beginning of their relationship only lasted the week and a half of our honeymoon. We had sex often, about every night and just seemed to want to devour each other up. 

Since we already had a little family, there was no need to hold off having the kids we wanted and Maria was pregnant within two months. Although the pregnancy went well and she delivered a healthy daughter we named Bethany after my mother, the delivery was hard and painful. 

Maria had bounced back after a couple of months and we were well on our way to family bliss. Maria loved Beth, but no more than she loved Tyler and Jess. Things went well with work and advancement and we kept our life modest and reserved so we saw no impediment to having as many children as Maria wanted. 

We were blessed with two other children over the next four years, but each delivery was more difficult than the one before. After Aaron was born, the doctors advised us to hold off, since the delivery had been so difficult it didn't take much to get Maria to agree, and we settled into the process of living and enjoying life with the five we had. 

Some people would scold us for having that many, but we loved them all too much to ever second guess our commitment to them. I don't think it was possible to find a happier, more perfect and loving family...except. 

The only negative in our life, was far outweighed by all of the incredible positives. Elena's interest in sex was growing more and more, "less". Although sex was regular in the beginning of our marriage, it trailed off dramatically during the latter part of the pregnancy with Beth. I was committed to avoid some of the problems that interfered in my relations with Sandy and be less provincial in my attitude towards sex. 

I had always felt the responsibility to take a high moral and principled approach to sex and keep it almost spiritual, pure and romantic. This had almost seemed like an overdose on sugar with Sandy, so I was ready to be more down to earth, and prove that sex could be nasty and exciting even between a man and his own wife. 

In the beginning, everything is almost naturally that way in a marriage. The newness of sex and each other alone seems a little forbidden and naughty, and trying to hide it from two young children helped keep it that way, but when Maria's interest started to trail off I was still raring to learn and explore. When I bought her sexy lingerie, she would only wear it when we were "going to have sex" and then it was with reluctance. 

"Being sexy" seemed almost unnatural and uncomfortable for her, so it lost a lot of effect. I didn't want her to pretend to be exciting; I hoped she would be excited and that it would bring a little animalistic passion into play. It didn't. The only thing she would remember was that she was embarrassed and that she had sensed a disappointment on my part in her effort that had made her actually feel less desired. 

Even though what she thought I felt was far from the truth, she never could let herself get comfortable with letting loose. She still had sexual needs and required love and affection. To Elena, there was a strong connection between love, romance and sex. Sex was the ultimate expression of love and she needed an adequate portion of it often enough to keep her happy and feeling loved. 

At times I would add a little adventure by playing with her while we drove. The possibility of being seen drove her wild with arousal and she had incredible orgasms as we raced down the road, but she could not sustain the desire to repeat and always recessed back into a "comfort zone". 

One time we were on an ATV outing with friends in one of the many beautiful high desert areas in Utah. Our friends had gone on down the trail to camp after Elena had told me to tell them we would be back later. As soon as we were alone she threw her arms around me and kissed me hard on the lips as she worked her hot tongue into my mouth. "Fuck me Ted!" She demanded as she fumbled for my belt and then stepped back and started to strip off all of her clothing. She was naked before me and I raced to catch up. By the time she was lying back on the soft padding of the Polaris seat with her legs spread wide in invitation I could barely see. 

When my pants were down my hard cock sprang forward and as I leaned to her she wrapped her urgent legs around me and drew my cock deeply into her soaked but tight vagina. Neither of us lasted long before she screamed out in climax as I filled her pussy with my hot sperm. When we recovered, we scrambled back into our clothing as we looked around nervously to see if anyone had witnessed our exhibition. 

There were times like this, times that she did something daring and spontaneous. Times that made me think she was ready and anxious to cross a threshold, and then just as quickly she would slip back into her comfortable conservative norm. 

For the most part it seemed very difficult for her to learn or try or even think about special things that might excite or arouse me, unless I clearly and carefully taught her what felt good to me. Even then it was hard to find her do something special more than once or twice before falling back into a more familiar routine. 

Early on in our marriage, she liked to hold my penis and stroke it as she felt it grow, but didn't seem to understand there were things she could actually do to help it along. Eventually she lost interest in the fascination of its hardness and preferred to have her orgasm at my finger tips. 

When she did show interest in having my hard cock buried deep inside, it seemed more to fulfill her duty to me feel than because of her need. You may think I'm complaining, well I might be just a little I guess; not complaining as much as going on record that there was an element of disappointment in regards to sex, but like I said, it was far outweighed by all of the positives in our relationship. 

In reality, sex is not the most important thing in a marriage; it's not even the biggest cause for divorce. Sex is important, it's full of expression for all of the things we feel in life, but it's not the only means of expression. If all of the other means are chugging along on a full tank of gas, sex just captures the highlights, and makes life even more fun and enjoyable. There was easily enough fullness in all other aspects that the moderate diet of sex was still a nice light desert. Not the towering double fudge cake with raspberry syrup and a scoop of ice cream kind of desert, just a nice light sweet snack. 

We enjoyed a full and active life and all felt supported and loved by everyone around us. All five kids turned out great. After they were all in school, Maria wanted to go back to work and got an administrative job in the High School that all of the kids attended. It was great having a mother who was well liked by everyone, it almost gave each of the kids a little bit of a celebrity status, and in addition, their mom went home when they did, and had the same days off for the most part. 

Maria had always been well liked wherever she worked; often picked as employee of the year, etc. Her success in the working environment provided much in the way of fullness and satisfaction to her life. 

It was while Beth and Aaron were still in school that we learned of some of Elena's health problems. Although she has never been overweight since the day we were married she has always battled high measurements of cholesterol. The doctors warned us this could cause problems with her heart or lead to a stroke, so we've worked with exercise and diet to do everything we could, but when she collapsed one day at work we feared the clock had run out. She was rushed to the hospital, and initially the doctors thought she had acute appendicitis and that her appendix may have already burst. 

We learned that a large cyst had formed on an ovary that was the size of a small melon and before they could get in to remove and clean it out, it ruptured. They had to open her up and spent hours cleaning and scraping the thick layer of blood that resembled chocolate syrup from her internal organs. She was in pain for weeks during recovery and never quite returned all the way to her normal self and the person we all loved. 

After Beth was married, the Doctor said she needed to have a full hysterectomy, and that she would feel much stronger after that. Maria was quite relieved although still a little nervous, but still optimistic that the procedure would restore some of the spark and zest for life she had missed. The routine surgery was scheduled and we prepared for her to even spend a few days in the hospital to make sure everything was OK. 

The surgery lasted for about an hour and then we were allowed to visit her in the recovery room. Beth Aaron and Jessica were all there with me. Maria was tired and groggy but full of hope that she would be able to do so much more than she had been up to for years. When the kids left that night I stayed by her side as she slept. They had a comfortable chair in her room that reclined almost flat out so someone could get reasonably comfortable rest. The next day she was feeling much better and we made preparations to return home. 

Maria seemed even more comfortable at home in her own bed, and all of the kids and spouses came by to visit. By that time we had three grand children and Maria was ecstatic about seeing them all. The little ones were told how sore grandma was and that they needed to be very careful. It was beautiful seeing how quiet and delicate they each tried to be as they had to love and be held by Grandma Maria. 

Even though it must have been physically challenging on Maria, her spirits were up and she was radiant with love as she finally slipped off to sleep that night. Maria never woke again. She had been given the wrong medication in the hospital before she was discharged and it reacted badly with the one she took before going to sleep. She died painlessly and we were all comforted in knowing we had shared a special evening before she had slipped away. 

I was devastated. There was no way to have prepared for the sudden and dramatic emptiness I felt in my life Aaron was in college but he came home to visit often. Tyler and his little family still lived close and so did Jessica, and they all stopped by often, but the emptiness almost seemed to suffocate me at times during the first few weeks after Elena's funeral. 

I certainly had a hoard of well wishers and interested friends, even Sandy took time to fly in from Portland to offer her condolence and support to me and the kids; she knew how much Maria meant to us all. 

There was still a lot of work to be done at the office and a lot of work to be done in general to fill the new empty hole in our lives. 

I was visited with a deluge of interested attorneys who wanted to represent me if I sued the hospital for malpractice. In the end though, I settled with the insurance company for a reasonable amount; I could have gotten millions but I got enough, David Jennings, my attorney friend, advised me and agreed that the settlement, although conservative, was reasonable and fair. 

I didn't really need to work if I didn't have to so I guess I became the target of a number of lonely women. I thought it would take even longer to get interested in someone else again than it did after Sandy, but I guess when you have your life so filled up with someone else, the sudden departure makes you almost urgent to find something to feel the incredible void that's left behind. 

When Sandy was gone, Tyler and Jessica were still with me there every day and what I didn't need immediately then and after Maria's death was sexual intimacy. My diet of sex with Elena had been on the light side for some time so it wasn't like I was a heavy eater that got cut off hungry. I could afford to be picky. 

With nothing but time on my hands, I found myself spending more time at the computer each evening and into the night than in front of the TV. I found there were chat rooms where you could get to meet and know people without having to make the effort to physically "go out". You could also meet people from much further away; out of state, even out of the country. 

I've always had a cerebral side to me and liked to read, so I enjoyed it when I got into a discussion thread that became involved and deep. I learned there were also sites that had just had stories; most of them seemed to cater to adult themes that were somewhat pornographic in nature. I had never had much time for pornography although when my sex life with Maria started to tail I was more easily drawn to racy stories, magazines and movies, that seemed available everywhere, than I was before. 

I was exposed enough to thoughts and imagination that I became much more liberal in my views toward sexual expression. I wasn't jaded; I was simply less judgmental about what others did than I was before even. 

I had never been one to condomn someone else for anything so it didn't bother me that some people had strange ideas about what was sexy and what was not. I'll admit that I am still uncomfortable with sex between unmarried members in afamily, incest. And that homosexuality is way outside my interest range, although it's somehow curious that I find the idea of two women enjoying sex much less troubling than two men. In fact my penis has risen sharply at times when I've seen photos or pictured two women going at it. 

It's not easy to picture having sex with two women at the same time in my imagination, but it's actually very easy to imagine being being excited by watching a man and a woman having sex together in real life. Somehow that possibility holds much more attraction for me than seeing any hot sex scene in a movie. Maybe there is a lot of voyeur in me. 

I've read quite a few stories now, and I find it curious that there are people who seem almost masochistic in their approach to stories of sex, and life itself. They read a story that in all probability will end up in a predictable manner they strongly oppose, and then they launch into a tirade because the author thought wrote it or thought the way he did or because of the way the story turned out. 

Some readers, almost vehement in opinion say they want to kill or destroy any woman who cheats on her husband or any man who is willing and excited about witnessing another man fuck his wife. As my views developed, I had a hard time imagining how I could have ever been excited watching Darren fuck Sandy, even though I remembered all too well the erection I had when I examined her soiled panties, or listened to Sarah's account of uninhibited sexual display in her driveway. 

I even remember the arousal mixed with anger I felt as I surveyed the scene of what I was sure were many sexual couplings in the construction area, and the vivid picture of lust and passion that was painted on my mind when I watched Sandy masturbate still haunts me. 

Emotions are strange; love and hate are both intense and sometimes compete upon the same stage simultaneously. I don't question or bemoan the method anyone resorts to in order to feel aroused and excited, unless it denies someone else's basic rights and liberties in life in the process. One might say Sandy's choice of how she got aroused and expressed herself denied my rights and liberties, but I don't think that's true. 

I didn't own Sandy, she wasn't my possession, she had the individual right to act as her own self and respond to whatever life presented her. When that took her in a different direction from me, she didn't take anything of mine away with her when she left. I was still there; I had all my body parts and ownership of my own mind and heart. 

I rebounded and yoked efforts with a new companion that I loved deeply. Did I love Maria Elena more that Sandy? Not really, I loved her with me for longer and I loved her differently and not in the same way as I loved Sandy. Do I love both of them still? Sure I do, I'm not putting either package of love back on a shelf to collect dust. I still love every wonderful woman or girl I have ever loved, and I wish them all the very best in life. 

I wanted someone else in my life again, I needed to be part of a relationship. I wanted someone who could experience passion and lust like Sandy and I needed someone who would love me without reservation and with deep affection like Maria. 

Just a few weeks ago, I needed to go to Vancouver, Washington to look into a business investment I was considering, and I decided to stop in and visit with Sandy while I was there. 

In her beautiful West Hills home we both became very relaxed and talked. It surprised me how easily I could bring up Darren's name, and how shocked Sandy was to find me so at ease. She had always felt deep pain for the pain she thought she had caused in me. When I gave he the "awe shucks" routine and told her it was no big deal she couldn't believe it. 

"Sandy," I said. "My life with you was absolutely necessary and right, it prepared me perfectly for Maria." A little frown played at her lips as she considered the left handed compliment. 

"Our life together blessed us all with two incredible children. Sandy, you can't imagine how many times I drew from good experiences and bad to find the answer to a pressing question with one of the kids. You are still playing an important role in all our lives." 

Thick heavy tears welled up in Sandy's eyes and then spilled freely down her beautiful cheeks. Her shoulders shook softly as she tried to quiet her sobbing and I moved to pull her into my arms. I just held her there tight against me for a while as she drew her harms around my waist and held me tight. When calmness and reason reclaimed the high ground, we separated and both sat down facing each other.