4 comments/ 25336 views/ 14 favorites Christmas Mystery Theater By: WifeWatchman This story is meant to be a stand-alone story for the Winter Holidays Contest, though it uses characters from my ongoing series. Please enjoy it on its own merits. Feedback and constructive criticism is very much appreciated, and I encourage feedback for ideas. This story may contain graphic scenes, extreme language, and actions that might be extremely offensive to some people. These scenes, words and actions are used only for the literary purposes of this story. The author does not condone murder, racial or racist language, violence, rape or violence against women, and any depictions of any of these in this story should not be construed as acceptance of the above. Part 1 - Prologue "So what's this play about?" I asked as my wife Laura and I settled into our seats in the second row of the little theatre room on Tuesday, December 16th. Hanukkah had begun at sundown, but we were not here for religious reasons. Quite the opposite. "It's a mystery, based on the board game Clue, which is called Cluedo in England." Laura said. "The actors will say their lines, which will contain clues, and we also have this little flyer with information we can read. A 'clean' version of this play is going to run at the University Theatre through the rest of the month. This is the early version, and our actors are going to be doing... other scenes..." "Explicit sex scenes." I replied as I looked around the tiny theater, barely able to see in the dim light. Heavy black curtains hung on all the walls. The ceiling was very low, even over the stage. The stage itself was not very large, barely fifteen feet wide and deep, and jutting out somewhat like the bottom three sides of an octagon, with the seats curling around in a semi-circle. The audience seating was also very small, five rows deep, the first two rows having left, middle, and right groups of four seats each, the next three rows having five seats, for a total of a very appropriate 69 seats. For tonight's audience, those seats would only be about half full. The chairs were comfortable, and Laura raised the armrest between our seats so that we could snuggle shoulder to shoulder. "This is going to be fun, even without the sex." Laura said. "The couples in the audience will try to solve the mystery. I expect us to win, darling; after all, I'm married to the most brilliant detective in the history of the State." "You're as charming as you are beautiful, my love." I replied. Indeed, my wife looked smoking hot tonight. She was wearing a black pullover sweater with long sleeves, which molded to her shapely body. Underneath she'd worn a bra that forced her large, milk-filled breasts to jut out invitingly, straining the fabric of the sweater to what looked like its breaking point. Her skirt was red and green plaid, a concession to the spirit of the Holiday season. Her black stockings were sheer and crotchless under the skirt; she was wearing no panties, giving me easy access to her luscious womanhood. Her very high-heel pumps were matte, satiny black, and at her height she towered over most of the other guests, even her husband (me) as I stood at my full 6'4" in height. For myself, I was wearing my dark gray jacket and pants with the light armor sewn in, and a black silk turtleneck sweater. My gun was in its ankle holster under my sock, unobtrusive. My badge was inside the pocket of my jacket. Such were the requirements of a Commander in the Police Department, even at such fun social events as this one. No iron crowbars, though. That was left in the car. "You're very sweet, darling." Laura said. "I just hope you won't be too distracted to solve the play and win first prize." "What's first prize?" I asked. "A night with the hottest professor on Campus, that being you?" "That would be a good prize, but you win that jackpot any time you want it, darling." my wife said. "First prize is $500, which of course we will announce a charity to which it shall be donated. Second prize is $200 to their favorite charity, and third prize is $50 to a charity." "And I still get to take home the hottest woman on the planet, much less in the room." I said. My wife smiled, enjoying my open flirtations. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The old hamlet of Junction Station to the south of Town didn't really exist anymore. It once had been the location where the grains and cattle were loaded onto the trains and where the train tracks merged from every direction, only to split apart as they went in every direction. There were only a few old buildings left, including the main Depot, which had been refurbished and served as a County-administrated public meeting hall and place for groups to gather for a modest rental fee. On the other side of the tracks, west of the buildings and sitting on a hillside, was a concrete building, painted white. It looked like an old American Legion building (which it had been decades before) or church fellowship hall, long and square. Inside the building were a couple of rooms, one with a bar and tables, where people could chat, and another that had sofas and chairs and cushions, arranged so that people could watch what was happening in the middle of the room. This building was owned by a group called the Town & County Club of Like-Minded Couples. This group was not very well known in public, and we actually went by another name: The Libertines. We were the hottest, most sophisticated, and most exclusive Swinger Club in the northwest part of the State. The theater room we were sitting in was in the underground basement room of this building. The residents of the Town & County did not know that the stage play they'd be watching would be performed by Libertine members... nor that there was a dress rehearsal tonight that would have a few 'extra' scenes. Scenes of the most intense, explicit sex. Other couples were coming in and taking their seats. Helena French and her husband sat next to us. Helena was a beautiful woman that looked to be in her early 40s, with a full head of light brown hair that she wore in 'Princess Diana' fashion, and smoking hot legs. Anyone seeing her would be shocked to know that she was already over 50 years old. Her husband, R. Guy French, was a prominent dentist in Town, and as such was one of the wealthiest men in the County. He was handsome and distinguished-looking, though definitely in his 50s. Helen was wearing a clingy dress with red and green and yellow and black Christmas holly patterns and red high heel pumps, and looked absolutely delicious. Laura and I greeted our friends warmly, perhaps both of us remembering the fond memories of what had happened only a couple of weeks before: Helena had been my initiation into the Libertines, the recipient of my 7-1/2 inch cock's deep bareback thrusts in and out of her sopping wet cunt, while her husband had sexually pounded my wife with his seven thick inches. Seated behind us was the beautiful Audrey Nethers and her husband. They were in their 20s, and were a 'Ken and Barbie' beautiful couple. Audrey had a beautiful mane of red hair, darker than my strawberry blonde, but lighter than auburn. She was wearing a tight-fitting green dress that highlighted her red hair and fair skin, and her very high heel velvety green pumps shaped her calves and ass very nicely. Her husband was well-hung; I knew that because my nephew Todd told me that the man had been in the unofficial Sigma Epsilon Chi (SEX) Fraternity, which required its members to be blessed with at least nine full inches of hard male meat. Before sitting down behind me, Audrey leaned over my shoulder, turned my head and planted a warm, wet kiss right on my mouth, and not just a little peck. As I tasted the gorgeous redhead's mouth, I felt the warmth spread through my body and my cock begin to get hard... iron hard. There's two reasons I'm called the 'Iron Crowbar', and the fact I carry a red crowbar around like a billy stick is only one of those reasons... Laura was smiling at me, not minding a bit that I had just been deeply kissed by a beautiful young woman. "I'm surprised to see Audrey in the audience." she whispered. "There's a role for a redheaded woman in the script, and I thought it'd be her." "Have you seen the script already?" I asked. "No." Laura replied, "I was told that by--" she didn't finish as the lights dimmed, throwing the little theater into blackness. It was time for the play to begin! Part 2 - Act 1, Sex Scene 1 The stage was split in two by a large black curtain. On the right side was the first scene, which had a bed with a brass headboard and a chair. Three people came into the room, a bride in her wedding dress and veil, an older man dressed in a tux of black with a mustard-yellow tux shirt, and a younger man dressed in a jacket and pants with a distinctive greenish hue and a black shirt and green tie. The Groom, the older man in the tux, stumbled in, sat in a chair, and appeared to pass out. The 'Bride' was stunningly gorgeous. She was in her late 20s, with luxurious black hair that had a rich almost-blue hue to it, large breasts, a slender waist and luscious ass, giving her an hourglass shape, thin tube thighs, curvy calves and elegant, shapely feet. The other man was youngish, very handsome, and there was a distinct bulge in his tight pants; he was well-hung. He was the 'Best Man', and obviously so in every way. My wife thought he was a handsome stud, I could tell. "Oh my goodness, my groom has passed out." said the bride. "He's in no shape to perform on our wedding night." As she walked, she seemed to stumble drunkenly herself, and the 'best man' caught her. "You've had a lot to drink, also." said the stud. He took her into his arms. "Perhaps I can stand in for your passed-out groom on your wedding night." He kissed her, then began nuzzling her neck and feeling her up. The audience was quiet, watching intently. "Oh...." said the Bride, "oh, I don't know... we shouldn't be... doing this." But she did not resist as the handsome young best man kissed her luscious, lipsticked lips again. The kiss turned deeper. "Ohhhhh..." moaned the Bride. "We... I can't... I can't do this to my husband..." She tried to break away from the young man, coming towards the front of the stage and facing us. The Best Man came up behind her, slid his arms around her waist, and began nuzzling her neck. "You deserve the best on your wedding night." the stud breathed, the microphone transmitting his words so we could hear them. "Let me give you what you deserve." He kissed the Bride's neck and jaw, and her eyes fluttered as a look of pleasure covered her beautiful face. I felt my cock rising with hardness as I watched this gorgeous woman being seduced on the stage. As he kissed her neck, the Best Man began taking off the Bride's wedding dress, unzipping it from the back. It fell off her chest, exposing her large, luscious, and very natural breasts. Two large, dark brown rings circled her nipples, making them look like the delicious targets they were, and those teats themselves were dark and standing out hard and long; she was extremely aroused. "Ohhhhhhh..." the Bride moaned as she stood proudly exposed to us. She was wearing a white garter and white stockings that were almost sheer but were actually tiny fishnets. Her very-high-heeled white strappy sandals seemed molded to her sexy, shapely feet, and her calves looked all the more luscious by her standing on those high heels. She was wearing very thin white panties, and the thick black mane of her pubic bush was clearly visible underneath, with some of the hair sticking out just beyond the hems of her panties. I felt myself getting hard already. The audience was enraptured as the Best Man massaged the Bride's big breasts as he nuzzled her neck from behind. Then his left hand slid down and dipped under her panties, and we could tell that he had buried a finger to the knuckle-joint inside her tight, sopping wet pussy and was frigging her mercilessly. I noticed that the air conditioning was set in a way that air blew from the stage to the audience. This was intentional, and I could actually smell the bride's perfume and her musky aroma as her stud aroused her, and juicy slurps could be heard as his finger rapidly slid in and out of her. A moment later, the Best Man picked up the Bride and deposited her on the bed. He then stood at the end of the bed, positioning himself where the audience could clearly see him as he slowly stripped off his clothes. He looked like he'd done this kind of thing before, but was not overt in his striptease. He did turn his back to both the audience and the Bride as he removed his underwear, then turned around slowly , revealing his huge, half-hard cock. It was enormous, bobbing in front of him, thick and massive. Laura was loving it. The Best Man then removed the Bride's panties and slung them out into the audience, unfortunately too far away from me to be able to catch them. He eased onto the bed between the Bride's spread legs and sank his face between her thighs and practically into her sopping wet quim. "Ohhhhh!" the Bride gasped, embellishing her words for effect, but still genuinely aroused by the stud's oral ministrations. "Oh God, that feels so good!" The Best Man began eating her pussy, making loud wet smacks but making sure to really suck on her labes and sink his tongue deep into her honey-hole. My cock was already throbbing inside my pants, and my wife shifted her legs, telling me that she was getting hot and bothered, also. And we were barely into the first act! I admired the sight of the Bride's long, shapely legs, spread wide and pulled back to give the young man easier access to her cunt. Her feet were reaching towards the sky, straining against the thin straps of her high heel sandals. The young stud lay between the beautiful woman's legs, deeply eating her pussy, and there was not a man in the house that would not have traded places with him, and probably a few women, also. He seemed almost lost in the pleasure of sucking her cunt as she moaned and gasped in pleasure, her face scrunching up from time to time as waves of possibly orgasmic ecstasy coursed through her. Finally, the man raised up and began to mount the Bride. She acted unsure, saying "Oh please, be careful. I'm a virgin, it's my first time, so please be gentle, okay?" "Don't worry, babe." the Best Man reassured the virgin Bride. "I'll be careful." They both looked between their legs as the stud mounted the woman. His cock was fully hard, waving in front of him, long and thick and ready for deep penetration. "Oh, easy... easy... ohhhhh!" the bride moaned as they watched together, holding hands, as the Best Man sank his meat into the bride's pussy, pumping back and forth, then driving it balls-deep in one powerful thrust! The Best man had done it; he had deflowered the young, lovely virgin Bride! "OH MY GOD!" yelled the Bride as the Best Man ground his hard, muscular ass in tight circles. He began withdrawing the long inches of his cock, only to drive them back in with powerful thrusts. The audience was barely breathing as they watched the young man fuck the beautiful woman with long, deep strokes. His powerful arms had her legs hooked beneath them, she was totally open and exposed to his sexual whims as he pumped her, hard and steady, over and over and over and over... The sex act was occurring only a few feet in front of me, and I marveled at the sight of these two vibrant, healthy people vigorously mating with such joyous abandon. The Bride's moans were no longer acting, she was deeply into the ecstasy of being fucked by a young, handsome, well-hung man. The Best Man was clearly loving fucking the gorgeous woman beneath him, trying hard not to come too quickly. After what seemed an eternity of hot fucking, but was only five minutes, the hotly rutting couple turned their bodies so that we could see between their legs and watch the Best Man's huge cock pumping in and out of the Bride's well-fucked but still-tight cunthole. His large balls only partially covered the intensely wonderful sight of cock and cunt melding as the copulated lustily. I noted that the man's thrusts were getting shorter and harder, and that his big balls were tightening up. "Oh, please don't come inside me!" begged the Bride. "Please don't make me pregnant on my wedding night! I was saving this night for my husband, please don't knock me up!" "I'm going to come, baby, I'm going to come inside you!" yelled the Best Man as he picked up the speed and power of his fucking into her. I was admiring the Bride's legs and feet, forced back by the power of her lover's fucking, when I heard him groan. He was unable to hold back, and he was now climaxing. And he was pumping every drop of his potent, virile semen into the beautiful woman's eagerly receptive cunt! "Unnnh, unnh... UHHH!!!" the stud cried out as he came, ramming his cock deep into her cunt, getting as much of his semen into her as he could. "Oh yes, YES!" screamed the Bride. "Come inside me! Give me every drop! Knock me up, baby, make me pregnant with your baby!" I could hear little moans and sighs of approval in the audience as they watched, and there was a slight change of smell coming from the stage as he finally pulled out of her... it was that special smell of sex and of a man having come inside a woman. As the Best Man pulled out, gobs of semen clung to his thick cockshaft, and a lot more oozed out of the the Bride's well-filled pussy. He eased up to the side of the Bride's face, and she began sucking his cock, licking him clean as his cock began to shrink. I alternated between watching her suck him and watching the large extramarital deposit slowly oozing from her hole. As the Best Man helped the Bride off the bed, she melted into his arms, smiling happily. "Mmmm, you really are the Best Man!" she said as they shared a kiss. "I think I'm getting pregnant right now." "If you don't, let me know and I'll keep fucking you until I knock you up." said the Best Man. As they kissed again, the Groom woke up, mumbling drunkenly "What's going on?" The lights faded to black as the lovers looked at him, laughed, and kissed again... Part 3 - The Play Continues As the lights faded to black for a moment to give the actors time to get off stage and to draw the black curtains around the bedroom scene, Laura whispered to me "I'm her gynecologist, and I confirmed a month ago that she really is pregnant, about two months along." "Good thing." I whispered back. "He shot one hell of a load into her." The lights were coming on, revealing the left side of the stage. There were several people assembling, having pre-dinner drinks, and being served from a large punchbowl full of a delicious looking juice. I recognized Leanne Quinlin Gonzales, my real estate broker and a lovely redhead, dressed in a black dress and jacket with a (wouldn't you know it) scarlet blouse and high heel scarlet peep-toe pumps. She was "Mrs. Scarlett", and the Groom, who walked in wearing a black suit, white shirt and mustard-yellow tie, was "Colonel Mustard." A tall man with glasses and a Meerschaum pipe, the curved pipe like Sherlock Holmes was often portrayed with, was wearing an ugly plaid suit and a plum-colored tie: "Professor Plum", of course. In this play, he was the 'husband' of Mrs. Scarlett. As they talked, the lines leading to some kind of British humor, with Mrs. Scarlett taking catty shots at her professorial husband, Laura whispered to me "The professor is a real professor of Sociology at the University. He's the real-life husband of the bride we just saw making love." Also in the room was a young Cuban man. I happened to know that Leanne's husband was a Cuban, and this young man was her husband's younger brother. He was dressed in a black button down shirt and dark-gray, almost black pants. He was 'Mr. Boddy', it seemed, meaning he was probably going to be the victim of the play-acting murder. He was saying in the play as he drank his punch that he was bringing everyone together to expose one of them as a blackmailer and murderer. Christmas Mystery Theater Just then the Bride and Best Man appeared. The beautiful woman was now dressed in a clingy white dress that showed off her lovely body, and high heel white pumps that seemed to shine under the bright stage lights. She was 'Mrs. White', and her legs and feet still looked marvelous I noted. The young Best Man was wearing his green suit, black shirt and green tie again: he was 'Mr. Green'. That left 'Mrs. Peacock', and one might be expecting a dowdy older woman. Instead, a gorgeous woman in her 50s came in, wearing a peacock-blue dress with a deep vee-cut and an under-blouse that had streaks of different colors across it, and high heel pumps that matched the grayish-blue color of the dress. She was hot! I thought. "Her real name is Mrs. Peabody." Laura whispered to me. "She works at City Hall, some sort of admin position there with the Town & County Council." "Can I go on stage and perform with her?" I whispered to Laura, who just squeezed my thigh just above my knee. My appetite for sexy older women was becoming insatiable as I watched this lovely older woman. Her hair was dirty blonde, falling in gentle waves to her shoulders, her body a firm hourglass shape. Hell, my mother worked out, and she had nothing on this sexy Cougar! I listened to the lines, expecting to hear some clues. Mr. Boddy was telling the assemblage that he had information on all of them, including that one of them was a blackmailer and killer. It sounded like the script from that movie made after the board game, I realized. As I watched the play, I noted the interactions of the actors. Mrs. Scarlett and Mr. Boddy had eyes for each other, and it looked like that went beyond the play. Mrs. Peabody was smooth and gracious as she told Professor Plum to not worry about the odious Mr. Boddy's diabolical threats. Mrs. White and Mr. Green were chatting to each other, and getting dark looks from her 'husband', Colonel Mustard. "Why don't we discuss this matter privately, you and I?" suggested Mrs. Scarlett to Mr. Boddy. They walked from the left stage to the right, where the same bed was set up, but with new sheets and a different bedside table. The lights were a more red-orange hue in a feeble attempt to differentiate this bedroom from the bridal suite where the Bride's hot defloration had taken place. Part 4 - Sex Scene 2 "Perhaps I can convince you to take a more... reasonable approach." said Mrs. Scarlett to Mr. Boddy, who in real life weres. She knelt down before him on her knees and undid his pants, fishing out his cock. It was thick, not as large as the Best Man's, but still a hefty piece of Cuban cock. Leanne began sucking it, and soon it was throbbing powerfully as she deeply fellated him. "Oh yeah, suck my big cock, baby!" the Cuban stud said with alacrity. "Oh yes, that's good. Keep sucking!" The beautiful redhead sucked the Cuban's brown cock furiously, as if trying to make him pop his nuts in real life, challenging him to hold back from climaxing into her mouth. He easily met the challenge. "Stand up, babe." he said. Leanne did so, and the couple began undressing each other. As she was in her thirties and he was college-aged, this scene had both me and Laura getting warm. And when Leanne's luscious tits popped out, followed by her red-haired cuntbush, I was getting hard in my pants again. The young Cuban stud was totally shaved of body hair, his light brown skin reflecting the stage lights. He and Leanne got onto the bed, she on her hands and knees, and him easing behind her upturned, luscious asscheeks. He grasped his large cock and aimed it at Leanne's gaping cunt. It slid in easily, and I watched in fascination as the couple copulated in front of me with raw, lusty abandon. I enjoyed the sight of Leanne's asscheeks rippling as the Cuban's taut groin slammed into her repeatedly, her cunt absorbing his driving thrusts as relentlessly sheathed his cockmeat into her again and again. I also sensed that the audience, while enjoying the sight of the hotly rutting couple on the stage, weren't as intensely into it as they had been while watching the Bride be seduced, corrupted, and deflowered. After a few moments of deep dogstyle fucking, the couple changed positions. They were lying like spoons on the bed, and it was easy to see the Cuban's big cock pumping past Leanne's stretched cuntlips and deep into her sodden pussy. She had raised her leg and her sexy bare foot was pressed into the young Cuban's hip as he pumped her. He fondled her big breasts then slid his hand down her body and began stroking her clit. "OH GOD!" Leanne cried out, throwing her head back. The stage lights were focusing on their coupled loins, and I could see the wetness on his cock get even wetter... Leanne was coming around her young brother's invading cock! She wrapped the Cuban's tie around his neck and pulled him down to her, straining her neck as she leaned back to kiss him. Their tongues twined lustily as their kiss only added to the pleasure of their lusty mating. I heard a groan somewhere in the audience, then the Cuban groaned on stage and began coming inside Leanne's red-fringed pussy. His balls seemed to pulse as he ejaculated his wad into her. When he pulled out, I could see the slimy mess of their combined juices on his meat and beginning to ooze out of her gaping pussy hole. Part 5 - The Play "Crime" As the lights faded on the right side, with Leanne and her Cuban lover heading backstage, the left side lights came on again. Mrs. Peacock was telling Professor Plum that one could easily make a Christmas wreath out of yarn or rope. "See?" she said as she braided twines of thin rope together to form a thicker one. "Interesting." said Plum as Mrs. Peacock extended her work with her right hand. He took it in his left hand, drinking from his glass with his right hand. Behind them was a display case with several old revolvers on display inside. Mrs. White was talking with her 'husband', Colonel Mustard. As he raised a glass of whiskey to his lips with his left hand, he was saying that he could drink anyone under the table in the war days, and she was saying that it was no longer the war days, and that if he wanted to consummate their marriage he'd better shape up. She then said that she was willing to bet Mr. Green could drink her husband under the table -and- take care of his woman's needs after that. Just then Mrs. Scarlett appeared with Mr. Boddy. "There's a water leak in the bathroom!" she said. "That's what bathrooms are for, my dear." said Professor Plum with an air of distinction. The audience laughed. "We can take care of it." said Mustard. "Boddy, Green, there are tools in the Kitchen!" He, Boddy, and Mustard all left the back stage, and the women and Professor Plum continued talking about what was to be done about Mr. Boddy. Plum handed the women drinks, extending his right arm to give each lady hers, and after raising their glasses in a toast with their right hands, they drank. Then the lights went out, throwing the theater into total darkness. A shot rang out! followed by a *thump!* and a loud groan. The lights came on in the right rear of the stage. It was a kitchen, with a countertop and a small table. On the ground was Mr. Boddy, on his back, with a puddle of 'blood' on the floor around his head, some 'blood' on his forehead, and a trail of blood suggesting he had been dragged into the room. There was a bloody knife, a revolver, a rope, a big wrench, a piece of pipe and (you guessed it) a candlestick on the floor around him. Another candlestick was on the kitchen table, and they'd been used to hold lighted candles during both sex scenes, I noted. Mr. Green was in the Kitchen, seeming to feel for Boddy's pulse when the others rushed in. "You killed him!" yelled Mrs. Scarlett. "No, I found him!" replied Green. "Someone hit me on the head when the lights went out, and when they came on I got up and saw him lying like this!" "What are we going to do?" Mrs. White wailed in feigned hysterics. "We'll have to call the police." said Professor Plum as Col. Mustard came into the room behind him, Mustard's red-orange tie catching the light with a strange sheen. The merits of calling the police were debated, as some of the characters worried that their own secrets would come out. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Enter the Police. The actor playing the Detective was dark haired, medium height and build, and was well-known amongst the Libertines as a long lasting fucker during hardcore orgies. His cock was about the same length and thickness as mine. When he came in, he was wearing a khaki trenchcoat and a khaki full-brim Tilley Hat. I felt many eyes on me, and Laura squeezed my shoulder. It was obvious who he was imitating, and I couldn't help but grin at the humor being sent my way. Thankfully, he did not have a crowbar; he instead wielded a small baseball bat. Smart man, I thought to myself. Some things are sacred. "Well well well, what do we have here?" asked the Detective. "You all are suspects. No one try to leave. The case is in my hands now, and it will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the Law." He may have dressed like me, but he was way too cheesy to be me, I thought to myself. The Detective questioned everyone as to their whereabouts. Green, Mustard and Boddy had gone to the bathroom to see where the leak was... "Everyone knows where you leak in the bathroom." said the Detective, getting some groans amidst the tepid laughter at the bad joke. "Then we went to the Kitchen to get tools, and the lights went out." said Green. "I got hit on the back of the head and went down." "I had begun going back to the bathroom." said Mustard. "When the lights came on, I went back to the kitchen and saw Green getting up, then going to check on Boddy." "When I came in," said Scarlett, "Green was leaning over Boddy." "Checking his vital signs." said Green. "He was dead." "So, what killed him?" asked the Detective, examining the body. "There seem to be several weapons, here." "There were two candlesticks on the table. One is on the floor now." said Green. "They were holding lighted candles in the bedroom earlier." said Scarlett. "How do you know that, Mrs. Scarlett?" inquired the Detective. "I saw them when Mr. Boddy lighted the candles." said Scarlett. "It made the room much more... romantic." "Oh really?" said the Detective. "Doing a bit of the ol' wink-wink, nod-nod, now were you?" "Now just a minute." yelled the Professor. "That's my wife you're talking about!" "Oh really?" said the Detective. "Your wife's doing the wink-wink nod-nod with our dead man, and maybe you caught them?" "No, I did not catch them!" yelled the Professor. "Er... I mean, there was nothing to catch. You've got it all wrong!" "Oh do I now?" said the Detective. "I've got my eye on you, Professor. Now where did this revolver come from?" "He wasn't shot with the revolver." said Mustard. "That's not what I asked, Colonel." said the Detective. "But you're an old Army crack shot, aren't you? Is that your gun, Colonel?" "No, I mean yes, it was in the display case, which is mine. But it's an antique, certainly not my service weapon!" said the Colonel. "Oh, and where is that?" asked the Detective. "It's in my coat." said Mustard. "Hanging in the hall closet." "In the Hall, eh?" said the Detective. "Maybe taking a shot into the Kitchen?" "Not me." said the Colonel. "I was going back to the bathroom from the Kitchen!" "And you, Mrs. Peacock." said the Detective. "You do good rope work. There are abrasions on Mr. Boddy's neck. "Those were already there." said Mrs. White, drawing a look of anger from Mrs. Scarlett. "Oh really?" said the Detective, seeing Mrs. Scarlett's look. "Mrs. Scarlett, do you know anything about those abrasions?" "I think he got them from his necktie being pulled around his neck earlier." said Mrs. Scarlett. "Certainly the lights were not off long enough for him to have been strangled with that rope." "And how do you know that?" asked the Detective. "Because I'm not a dumbass..." said Mrs. Scarlett, "... like some people in the room." She was looking squarely at Professor Plum. Plum was not looking at her; he was studying the crime scene. "See here, Detective! Boddy has a big welt on the left rear side of his head, as if he were hit there. There's blood on the wrench, too. Maybe that is the weapon." "Maybe." said the Detective. "Certainly some blood did splatter out when he was struck. Fortunately for all of you, none of it is on your clothes right now." The rest of the play, I will condense here for brevity. Each suspect's secrets came out, and some of this was on the sheet of paper we were given: Mrs. Scarlett was a whorehouse madam, holding many secrets over others. Colonel Mustard was an arms dealer, setting up both sides of a conflict with arms. Mrs. White was the seeming innocent virgin, but had been a killer in the past. Professor Plum had plagiarized from others to get his tenure, but held secrets over the University leadership that kept him in his position. Mrs. Peacock was a blackmailer herself, seeing as she was a hostess with the mostest. Mr. Green was a con man, a trickster from the Carnival "carnies", and had bilked many of their money. Part 6 - The Real Crime At the end, the curtains closed and the Detective stood alone in front of the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "I'm sure that I have solved the crime, but it is time now for you to fill out your cards to say who committed the murder, where, and with what weapon, for the chance to win for your charity. If none of you win and I get it right, then perhaps I can..." He looked right at me and winked and said "... upgrade from this little bat? It's such a puny little thing, yes?" The lights in the audience area came on and the couples discussed who it might be. Some couples were working as groups, intending to share the prizes amongst themselves. Laura just handed me the card and I scribbled a few lines. I was the first to put a card into the box that the 'Bride' was holding to take up our written ideas. Everyone seemed to notice my speed and efficiency in doing so, and I felt some air come out of their sails. Didn't bother me; I'd love giving first prize to the Wounded Warrior Project. After all the cards were collected, Mrs. White said "And now for the conclusion of our play." The lights went completely dark. Suddenly, a shot rang out! No, that's not just a line from Snoopy's It Was A Dark And Stormy Night... a shot really did ring out. A moment later, the Bride/Mrs. White came out, a worried look on her face. "Doctor!" she said to my wife, "Can you come here? You too, Commander!" As Laura rushed onto the stage and behind the curtain, I turned to Audrey Nethers' husband and Helen French's husband and said to them "Don't let anyone leave this room." I then went backstage. Laura was kneeling beside the prostrate form of the young stud 'Mr. Green,' who was lying on the floor of the kitchen set where Mr. Boddy had been. Mr. Boddy was one of the group standing in a huddle, watching Laura, and I could see the gunshot wound to the side of his head. My wife looked up at me as I approached, and shook her head. 'Mr. Green' had been murdered. In the Kitchen. With the Revolver. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "I guess we're going to have to have police here, Don?" Guy French said to me as I came to the front of the stage. "Fortunately, Guy," I said, "the Police are already here. And I'm in a capacity I can exercise some real discretion... as long as I have everyone's full cooperation." He nodded as I stood up. "I am asking everyone to stay." I said to the audience. "This is not an act, it's the real thing. I will attempt to be as discreet in solving this as I can be, but I absolutely must have your total cooperation. Please don't leave, please don't try to use your cell phones either to make calls or to take pictures. Thanks." As murmurings began in the audience, I went upstairs where I would have good cell phone reception, and called Tanya Perlman at her home. I had some very explicit instructions: she was to get Barry Oliver, they were to get a Crime Lab kit, and they alone would come to the location. Tanya was also to call Myron Milton and Mary Mahoney and have them bring a secure laptop to this location. No one else was to come, and the Duty Desk was not to be notified; I would do all that myself at the proper time. I was using every bit of authority my rank of Commander and Acting Chief provided me, and was putting myself on the line in doing so. Going back downstairs, I heard a voice say "Don, can we watch you work?" Everyone was curious, perhaps morbidly so, but if it kept them here, I figured I'd let them. "If you will stay in your seats," I said, "I'll have them open the curtains and turn on all the lights. This is not play time, though, and you may not be able to handle what you're going to see." Going back to the body, Laura said "Looks like a small caliber weapon, .22LR or .22 Magnum." ".22 Magnum would've gone through the head." I said as my gloved hands examined the head. "No exit would, so I'd say it's the .22 long rifle." I looked up at the faces of the actors. Mrs. White looked shocked and upset. Mrs. Peacock, a.k.a. Mrs. Peabody, was calmer, and actually looked morbidly interested in the crime scene. Mrs. Scarlett, a.k.a. Leanne Quinlin Gonzales, was horrified. Col. Mustard had been a real military officer and had seen plenty of war dead; his face looked more saddened at the death of a young man than anything else. Professor Plum looked shocked and helpless, but also a bit detached. He was standing behind the rest of them, which might have explained his passivity. "I need the director and the audio/video people to come on stage." I said. A woman in her thirties came up, followed by two men from the A/V room which was in back of the audience. One man was a bit older, he was the primary A/V man; the other man was younger and had been working the lights. Just then Lt. Tanya Perlman and Auxiliary Policeman Barry Oliver came into the door, flashing their badges. I had them come to the stage and gave some instructions. First, I had all of the actors searched, then asked the audience to produce any concealed carry weapons they might have. There were no less than eight, and Tanya had them tagged with receipts to the owners to get the weapons back later. None of the weapons were the small caliber of the fatal wound, though. I had Barry do the crime scene workup, taking blood samples, marking and photographing evidence, doing alone what a whole Crime Lab team normally would do... and Barry was doing it most very efficiently. Myron and Mary then showed up. Many of the women instantly sized up Myron's package in his pants; Myron had an eleven inch penis, and I was willing to bet he and Mary might one day get an invitation to join this group. But I digress... It did not take long to find a semi-automatic .22LR pistol in a drawer of the cabinet where the antique guns were. "Typical gun that mob hit men use." said Barry Oliver as he used ultraviolet light techniques to look for prints. "No prints. Looks wiped down, but likely the killer wore gloves." "Nobody from the outside could get in here and to the stage without walking past me." I said. "And I'm sure that didn't happen. So one of the people here did this. Tell you what, Barry, try this: carefully unload the gun, and see if you can get prints from the loaded cartridges." "Oooh, great idea." said Tanya. "You wouldn't believe how often the perps forget that." "Thank goodness they do forget that." I said. "Makes my job a whole lot easier." Christmas Mystery Theater Barry took out the magazine from the semi-auto pistol and unloaded it. "Oh yeah, I've got a bunch of partial prints, here, but it might take some time to get matches in the database." He took photographs of the prints in the UV light. "I understand." I said. "Get the process started as fast as you can, though." I had Tanya walk with me towards the front of the stage. I brought Guy French over. "Guy, we're going to have to have some of the guys here bring the body upstairs, unless you want EMTs down here." I said. Guy French rounded up some men and 'Mr. Green' would be taken upstairs, using the sheets of the bed, after Barry was finished with the crime scene. "Okay, Tanya." I said. "I want you to interview the audience members. If they say they saw something, you'll have to get an affidavit; otherwise, don't worry about their personal information. Once you're done with all of them, I'll probably let them go home." "I understand." Tanya said. "I want to join this group myself, some day, so I sure don't want to make enemies. But are you sure we don't need names?" "I've already taken a list of who was sitting where." I said. "I'll keep it sealed unless and until the information is needed." Tanya peered at me. "You already know who did this, don't you?" "No." I said. "But I can tell you this: I'm sure it's one of the actors, or at least no one in the audience. A moment later Barry called Tanya and myself back into the stage area, on the left side. Floating in the punch bowl was... not what you're thinking. There were two blue latex gloves, turned inside out. "I don't think we'll be getting prints off of these." said Tanya. "Well, it's valuable for one reason." I said. "It shows me that someone was thinking about this crime, and thinking about this disposal of evidence. That's premeditation, and it shows familiarity with this play and the fact the punch bowl would be here, so I read the riddle." Part 7 - Interviews I had Myron Milton use his laptop to start running checks on each of the actors in the play, as well as the director and A/V persons. He had to be upstairs to get a good connection. "Here's a brilliancy." I said to Mary. "I can use this A/V room to conduct some discreet interviews." I did so, bringing them in one by one. Because she was qualified with a gun and equivalent to a Detective, Senior Technician Mary Mahoney could be my witness for the interviews. I spoke with the Detective first. "Nice coat and hat, there." I said. He blushed. "Well, it was all in fun for you tonight." he said. "But it looks kind of stupid now." "Not at all." I said. "I'm glad someone has good taste in coats and hats, but don't expect to get that baseball bat upgrade right now." The Detective had seen nothing amiss, no other persons, no one from the audience get up or go to the stage or backstage. Mrs. Peabody came in, and I felt a strong attraction to her. We were practically flirting throughout our interview. She told me that everyone but Col. Mustard, Professor Plum and Mr. Green had been backstage left during the intermission, except for Mrs. White collecting the cards, of course. When we were finished, she said "I'm very impressed watching you work. I hope you'll share your findings with me when you're done." "I'm sure we can have a discussion over lunch." I said, handing her my card. After she left, Mary Mahoney said "You're going to get fucked, Commander. She wants your cock, bad. I can see it in her eyes." "She'll get my cock if she wants it." I said. "She's hot as hell." "You like those older women, don't you Commander?" Mary asked. She was one inappropriate woman, but I liked her that way. "You betcha." I said. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The Director said, in response to my questioning, "No, the lights were not supposed to go off completely then. I was wondering what the A/V guys were doing. But they couldn't have done it, could they? They never left the room." "I agree, they never left the A/V room." I said. "So someone cut the lights some way. It's an interesting point for me to consider." Next to last was Professor Plum. "How long have you been with the University?" I asked. "Twelve years." he said. "Longer than my wife." I said. "So you're married to Mrs. White?" "Yes." said Plum. "We were married about four years ago, right after she graduated from school." "And you have no children?" I asked. "No." said Plum. "We'd decided not to start a family yet." "I see." I said, not revealing to him what I knew. It was when Mrs. White came in that I had Laura come in, also. After asking her about the whereabouts of people at certain times, I then said "I have to ask you some very personal questions, here. First, you are pregnant, aren't you?" "Yes." said Mrs. White, looking over at Laura. "Ma'am, I need to know: is Mr. Green, the victim, the father of your child?" Fear crept into the beautiful woman's eyes, but she steeled herself. "Yes, he is. How did you know? I didn't even tell Dr. Fredricson that." "Ma'am, you do my wife a disservice. I did not learn that from her. In fact, I did not hear it from anyone until you told me just now. But to be sure: your husband does not know that the victim is the father of your child, nor even that you are pregnant, does he?" "No." said Mrs. White, tears forming in her eyes. "I've been wanting a child, but my husband said we should wait. I got off the pill, and was just going to get pregnant by him, and it'd be done. Then I started seeing (Mr. Green), and we were in the play together..." "Your husband thinks you are still on the pill; otherwise he'd have problems with you letting Mr. Green climax inside you, isn't that right?" "Probably." said the woman. "I... I wasn't trying to cuck him, I wanted it to be his baby, and..." The woman broke down in Laura's arms, and my wife began comforting her. "I'll leave you two alone." I said, motioning for Mary Mahoney to come out with me. Tanya reported to me on her interviews with the audience members. "What time is it?" I asked. "About midnight." she replied. "Okay, take them upstairs, give the CC permit people their guns back, and let them go home, admonishing them not to say anything about what happened here tonight lest the Press get wind of it. Make sure to scare them by mentioning said Press. Then call the EMTs by cell phone, not the radio, to come get the body, but don't let them come any further than the front room up there, and definitely not down here." I said. Tanya scooted. A few minutes later, Laura came out of the A/V room. I told Mary Mahoney to stay with her, but to keep her segregated from the rest of the actors, including her husband. I then went into the A/V room with Laura again. "Laura," I said, "I'll understand if you tell me 'Hell, no' on this, but I need some information from University Hospital, and I'd rather not have to get a warrant." I told her what I needed. "I'll borrow Myron's computer and access the records." Laura said. "If they're not digitized, I'll call Nurse Jones and have her look them up." Nurse Jones worked with my wife, and was trustworthy. Thirty minutes later, I had my answer. "Professor Plum had a vasectomy about six years ago." Laura told me. "He could not have been the father of his wife's child. But he couldn't have known: she said she had not yet told him she was pregnant." "You're right; he certainly never learned from her, and had no idea while watching her fucking her lover during play practice or the play itself that she'd been cuckolding him." "So who do you think could have done it?" "Oh, that's easy." I said. "Right now all I need are some handcuffs. We're going to make an arrest, my dear." At this point, dear readers, you may wish to pause and attempt to solve who was the murder, where and with what weapon in the play... as well as who the real murderer is. The answer is below when you keep reading. Thanks, WW. Part 8 - Solution "Who did it?" Laura asked. "Indulge me." I replied. "I have to do something first. Mary, you're my backup on this." I called the second A/V man into the A/V room. "Who paid you to turn out the lights when the murder was committed?" I asked harshly. "Uh... nobody." he said. "I was supposed to turn out the lights then." "Bull shit." I said. "I talked to the Director. She said that the lights didn't go completely off then, and she didn't understand why you turned them off. So I'll ask you once again: who paid you to do it?" "I'm invoking my Fifth Amendment rights. I want a lawyer." the man said, his wisest move of the evening. "Suit yourself." I said. "Turn around. You're under arrest for aiding and abetting first degree murder." Since I was much larger than he was, he complied readily. I affixed the handcuffs to him and had Mary keep him inside there. Now for the murderer. I went to the stage, where the actors were sitting. "Professor, can I have another moment with you?" "Sure." he said, following me to the A/V room. I let him go in first, then followed, shutting the door behind us. It was crowded in the room. "What is this?" the professor asked, seeing the A/V man in cuffs. "Professor," I said, "you are under arrest for the murder of (Mr. Green)." I said. I recited to him his rights. "How in the hell do you come up with this idea?" said the Professor. "Is this one of your world-famous bluffs?" "Bluffs? Me?" I asked, genuine surprise in my voice. "I never bluff, Professor, and I'm not sure where that reputation comes from. No, I think we'll be able to match the fingerprints from the bullets in the pistol we found, which I think will turn out to be the murder weapon." I affixed handcuffs to the Professor. "Now gentlemen, we're going to be taking you to Police Headquarters." I said. "The first of you that cuts a deal will probably get a lighter sentence, but you're both in heap big trouble." All of my officers escorted the two men upstairs. The other actors looked stunned when they saw the arrested men brought out of the A/V room. I went up to them. Some of the audience, including the French couple, had stayed as well. "As you can tell," I said, "I have arrested the perps that committed the crime here tonight. I cannot guarantee we can keep this out of the Press, but I'll try." "Damn, that was an amazing job." said Mrs. Peabody. "How did you figure it out so fast." "I'm afraid that I must have some privacy for the most of it." I said. "I'm sure you all understand. You're free to go home, but I might have you give statements over the next few days. If you leave town, notify the Police Department first." "By the way, Don," said the Director. "You won the contest, and you were the only correct guess. Colonel Mustard, in the Kitchen, with the Wrench." "Thanks, send the money to the Wounded Warrior Project." I said. "I can tell the play is written so that it can be one of four people, either the Kitchen or the Hall, and with any one of the weapons. In this case, the blow to the head suggested the Wrench. It had to be in the Kitchen, the dragged blood was a ruse. And Colonel Mustard had to change his shirt and tie due to blood spatter, and the tie was a different color. His motive was jealousy, as he saw his wife and Mr. Green not only have sex, but were flirting afterwards." "You were two for two tonight, darling." said Laura, who then turned to the others and said "And my reward is that I get to take this man home and recreate those sex scenes you performed so well tonight..." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "How did you know?" Laura said as she drove me home in her brand new Mercedes, an early Christmas gift and replacement for the one she'd recently lost. "The A/V man was easy." I said. "He was the only one who could cut the lights off and then back on. Once the Director said the lights weren't supposed to go completely off then, I knew he was involved." "As to the Professor," I said, "he was somewhat in the background the whole time, and could've slipped away from the others. He'd been planning to kill for some time; knowing he could slip the gloves in the punch bowl, knowing he could put the gun in a gun cabinet drawer where it wouldn't be seen as out of the ordinary, generally knowing the times and places of the people, the acts, the lights, etc. All he had to do was get the A/V guy to kill the lights for him at the right time, get the gun if he didn't already have it on him, then shoot his victim. I wasn't sure if he meant to shoot Green or his wife White, but I guess that doesn't matter now." "And the motive?" I continued. "I think he must've overheard his wife tell someone else she was pregnant, or he or someone saw her visit you and word got back to him. She didn't know he'd had a vasectomy; he finds out she's pregnant and it has to be by another man. Oldest motive in the world: jealousy. Nobody else had any reason to do anything, from what Myron was finding at first. So once you confirmed he'd had a vasectomy, it pretty much fell into place for me. I do expect to find the Professor's prints on those bullets; that was an all-too-common overlook for him, there." "Well, you kept the exposure down, and I was told by several Members that they are grateful to you for that." Laura said. "But how are you going to keep it out of the Press?" "That, I'm not sure of." I said. "I'm hoping and praying they'll both confess, and ADA Patterson can backdoor this through the system before Bettina Wurtzburg, our bloodhound-nosed reporter, finds out." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Fortune was indeed with us, but not the way I thought it would be. The Professor, having time in our holding cells to realize the enormity of his crime, confessed fully... then committed suicide in the holding cell. It was a reproach to me and to our Police Department to not consider that he might need to be on suicide watch, but a review board said he'd given us no real signs of being suicidal. The A/V man agreed to a guilty plea for a vastly reduced sentence, and ADA Patterson indeed snuck it through the system. Nothing done wrong, it's there for all to see if they look, but the Press didn't get wind of it. And no, we did not go see the clean version of the play at the University Theatre, though it was a big hit and raised a good bit of money for charity. I had enough to do, parties to enjoy, sex with my wife to enjoy, and no need to solve any more mystery plays... real life was bringing plenty enough of those to handle for me. Finis.