17 comments/ 47041 views/ 10 favorites How to NOT Lose a Guy By: Lothario the Great The following is: A) an exact transcript of an actual conversation; B) a fairly faithful approximation of an actual conversation, with edits by yours truly for clarification and factual accuracy; or C) a complete fabrication by a male for you to discredit and discount. Please select only one answer. Use a No. 2 pencil. Completely fill the circle without drawing outside the line. ************** Witness one Cindy Patronis, age 28, of Morrison, Colorado, working as a receptionist in the law offices of Carry Chase Mercer and Wiskowicz in Boston, Massachusetts. Cindy is a graduate of Clark College, where she received her degree in pre-law. She eats lunch with Mandy Carollini, age 30, of Worcester, Massachusetts. Mandy sells new and used compact discs at Tookie's Music Shack. The two met at a party for Cindy's law firm. Mandy attended as the date of Chaz Mercer, senior partner for the firm. After Chaz dumped Mandy for a law clerk in the office (Susan O'Grady, age 21, of Quinsigamund Community College), Mandy decided she still enjoyed Cindy's company and invited her to the Cape for a weekend. That was one year ago. Cindy orders a burger with fries. Mandy orders a club salad with the fruit bowl. ************** "You gotta watch your figure," Mandy says. "Yeah, right. You, maybe." "Oh boy, here it comes." "What?" "Any conversation that starts with 'yeah right' is headed for disaster." "Conversations with me are a disaster?" Mandy traces a finger around the lip of her water glass. "Cindy," she says, "let's have a little chat." Cindy, a sensitive soul, is wary. "About what?" "About whatever the hell is going on with you." "What's that supposed – " "Stop right there. We're friends, right?" Cindy nods, avoiding Mandy's eyes. "We're close friends, right?" "Yeah." "So let's get close. You know me now. You know I hate bullshit. Whatever this... dark cloud thing... hanging over your head is, it's shit between us. I wanna know why you're always so down on yourself, and I wanna know why you've been closing me off for the last month." "I haven't been closing you off. We've eaten together once a week for the last four weeks." "We used to talk EVERY night. You'd tell me about some guy you liked, and I'd tell you about some guy I'd fucked, and we bonded." Cindy seems to withdraw once more. "Okay, what?" Mandy barks. "Sorry. It's hard. This is hard." Mandy sighs. "It's about boys, right?" Cindy shrugs. Mandy rolls her eyes. "It's always about boys." "You don't get it," Cindy says, snapping harder than she means to. "It's easy for you." Mandy laughs. "Oh. It's easy for me." "You know exactly what I mean." "Sure I do. But explain it to me anyway." "You always go out with gorgeous men, and they sleep with you..." "Is that what this is about? Sex." Cindy shrugs again. "I guess." As the waiter walks past, Mandy grabs him by the apron string. "Hey stud, got a minute?" The waiter reacts exactly as predicted. "Yes I do," he says with a charming grin. "My friend here ordered fries and a burger. That was a mistake. Bring her a salad with grilled chicken. And no more refills on her Diet Coke. Bring out some water with lemon. Chop chop." The waiter knows what's good for him. "You bet," he says and walks away. Cindy is mortified. She holds her hand over her eyes, slumping in her chair. Whatever words she might have in mind die in the black hole she has made of herself. "Look at me," Mandy says. Cindy has no choice, compelled as she is by Mandy's tone. "Today," says Mandy, "you belong to me. No secrets, no pulled punches. We're gonna have a little chat, and at the end, you're gonna feel like a Firebird with an overhaul. That means I pop your hood, wash out all your tubes, rip out your guts and replace them with newer and better guts. You hearing me?" A tear appears in Cindy's eye. "Why are you being so mean?" Mandy leans back, trying to lessen her intensity. "I'm mean? No, Cindy, whatever man did this to you was mean. I'm here to help the healing begin." Now the tears fall in earnest. Cindy dabs her eyes with the cloth napkin. Mandy knows this is part of the process, and she waits patiently. "He was so cold afterward," Cindy begins. "He made fun of me." "Made fun how?" "He told me I was hypersensitive." "You are." "I know that! But he said it to hurt me." "Start at the start." "He's a friend of a friend. We met at a bar, my friend and this group of his. They invited me to join them at the next bar. And he was really good-looking, and I... I guess... I seduced him." Mandy's eyes go wide. "Shut. Up." "I flirted with him all night. He thought I'd had more to drink than I really did. Because, you know, I pretended to." "Sly." "Anyway, he invited me back to his apartment, and after he closed the door, we just went at it." Cindy looks at Mandy. "You want the details?" "Later," Mandy says, raising an eyebrow. "But you're leaving out an important part." Cindy is confused. "I am?" "Yes, sweetie. Why the hell did YOU want to seduce HIM?" "What?" "You know what. That's not like you." "I know." "So something had to have triggered the change. Something you thought. Or something you heard. Was it me? Did I say something during one of our talks?" The tears start to dry. Cindy waves a hand in the air, searching for the words. "It's embarrassing." Mandy fiddles with her cuticles. "I told you, I'm not your friend today. I'm your therapist. Everything we discuss is strictly confidential. No judgments, no accusations. Now spill." Cindy leans on one hand, elbow on the table. "There's this site," she begins. "A website. Literotica." "I know. I'm the one who told you about it." "Oh yeah." Cindy shakes her head. "I didn't forget. Anyway... I read an article there. About how to get sex when you're a..." She hiccups a laugh. "When you're a nerd." Mandy smiles. "Go on." "Because I'm a nerd." "Debatable. Go on." "I dunno. It's just so much, you know? Being alone, being out of college. I used to be thin and cute." "Debatable," Mandy says more sternly. "I did!" "I mean the 'used to' bit. Go on, girl." "What more do you want? I read about how to seduce someone, and it worked." "What did it say to do?" Cindy makes a face and nods. "It was right on, actually. All you have to do is... bathe. Do your hair. Wear something pretty." "It said to wear something pretty?" "Actually, it was only a guide for male nerds. But I figured, it would work for girls, too. And I was right." "So you think you got into this guy's pants because you seduced him." "Sure. I know I did." Mandy takes a deep breath, looks at the ceiling, breathes some more. Then she turns her attention back to Cindy. "Let me explain some things. That's why we're here today. Are you prepared to hear me?" Cindy swallows hard, then tries to appear nonchalant. "Shoot." "First and foremost: Girls do not seduce guys. Girls stand in one place, and guys come to them." "Easy for you to say." "Quiet," Mandy snaps. She continues before Cindy can be offended. "Girls do NOT seduce guys. Guys seduce girls. Guys sit around jerking off all day because they are desperate for sex. Girls are not desperate for sex. We come harder, we come more often, we come cleaner, we come prettier." "Easy for you," Cindy insists. "You don't understand what I'm saying. It's not a matter of convincing a boy to sleep with you. Look, that article was about nerds, right?" "Yes." "Think about what a nerd is. Really think about it. Self-absorbed, attention-deficit. That's why they don't shower. They just forget. But when it's time to get serious about sex, they clean up real nice. And do you know what kind of girl they go after? Any kind they think they can get. Start with your average science-fiction loser – somewhere between 20 and 30, bad haircut, wears t-shirts all day, spends all his money on snack food and electronics. Let's say he's 250 pounds." "Whoa." "But if you subject him to ten minutes of electro-shock, stick him in an Armani suit, stuff a thousand dollars in his pocket and send him staggering through Copley Square, he will attract no less than five women. Why? Because women want three things in life – money, sex, and love. If a guy has the first, and the girl can wrangle him out of the second, then all she has to work toward is the third." "I'm not following any of this," Cindy says, drinking her water with lemon. "There's nothing to follow. You're a chick. I'm telling you what you already know. Women want security. We want to feel safe. We will go to any length or depth to be protected in life. And that's why there are no girl nerds. A boy nerd is just another kind of male, and males live under the delusion that they are protected and secure, on their own. Why else would a boy spend all his money on video games instead of pouring equity into a new home? Because he doesn't believe he has anything to fear. He has no concept of the future, of pending doom. He's an idiot. Now, you take a girl who's interested in video games and junk food. That doesn't mean she's given up on dreaming about getting married and having kids and being taken care of." "I think you're the one who's delusional, Mandy. I mean, look at us! You certainly aren't settling down. And I'm not desperate for a man to love me. I've got a job, a car, a savings account. I've even got a mortgage!" "Then what went wrong with this guy last month?" Cindy fidgets. "I don't see the connection." "I know. Give me a minute to put the pieces together. First off, I want you to acknowledge the truth of what I'm saying. Men must beg for sex. Women never need to beg for sex." "I already disagreed with you on that." "But your scope is limited. Don't just think about the guys you fantasize about when you play with yourself. Think about ALL the guys and ALL girls in the world. Big, short, thin, fat, perfect skin, oily skin, rich and poor, sick and in health, for better and for worse. Take one loser from each category and sit them next to each other at the bar. Pretend that the woman comes on to the man. The man is one-hundred percent guaranteed to say yes to sex. Now turn it around. The guy is hitting on the woman. She's as big a loser as he is, but she – and this is important – she is looking for something more than sex. She is looking for security. All girls do. The loser girl KNOWS, really knows, deep down in her smelly stockings, that she can get laid any time she wants. At this very moment there's an 84-year-old grandma living in a nursing home, 300 pounds with dentures and a busted hip, putting out the 'bang me' vibe for the poor elderly bastards in the home, and one of them is going to say yes to her invitation, because men are pigs who only want sex." Mandy allows her declarations to hang in the air. The waiter brings the food. Cindy looks at her salad. "This is depressing," she says. "It's good for you," Mandy answers. "I don't mean the salad." "I know you don't." "How can this be good for me? You're telling me... you're telling me there's no hope." "So you agree with my observations." "No!" "Then I'll ask again. What went wrong with the guy last month?" Cindy, rather than responding, sticks her fork in the salad and eats a mouthful. "Cindy," Mandy says, "you read some article about how nerds seduce women, and you thought it would work for you. But men and women are fundamentally different. Men will fuck anything, and women will not." "I've known some women who will." "Are you implying something?" "No!" Cindy shouts with a start. "No," she says more quietly. "I've never thought that about you." "But it's true, somewhat." Mandy takes a bite of food, chews, swallows. "We're both being very frank today, even though I'm doing all the talking." "You haven't let me say anything yet." "I know, but you'll get your chance. Listen, just listen for a minute. I want to explain something about myself. I'm the same as other girls. I want to feel safe. I want to be protected. But I also want to have fun. Thing is, you can't have it both ways, at least not at the same time." "So for right now," Cindy clarifies, "you're just having fun." "That's exactly right." "But that's all I wanted. I was just looking to get laid." "No. Uh-uh. No way. Not you, not Cindy. You want chocolate and silk and flowers. You want The Bachelor. I know you. Casual sex is not for you. If it were, you'd just go out and get it." At last the pieces fall into place for Cindy. All men want sex, but women must choose sex or security. The realization left Cindy in an even deeper pit of despair than where she began. The salad, unappetizing to begin with, lost its appeal altogether. She even felt a little sick. "Tell me what you're thinking," Mandy said. "I'm trying not to." "You don't look well." "It's just that... you can't be right. I know LOTS of men who need women to help them feel secure. That's what a relationship is all about. Two people communicate, they share everything, they're stronger together than apart." Mandy smiles. "Where'd you learn that?" "My parents, for one. They've been together a very long time." Mandy smiles even wider. "It all comes back to daddy." "Don't give me that shit." "There's nothing wrong with it." "Because it's not true." "Yes it is. Look, my dad left us when I was seven. It made me realize that men are pigs who want what they want, when they want it." "You keep calling men pigs. But my dad was no pig." "And that's why you want a man who isn't a pig. And THAT'S why this guy at the bar was a mistake." "Maybe." Cindy lifts her glass, does not drink, sets the drink back down. "Cindy, all I want you to do is be honest with yourself about what you want. Women can afford to do that. We are in control. We can get sex anytime we want. It's relationships that are hard to get our hands around. Wicked hard. But it's not impossible." "So far it has been." The two girls finish their meals, such as they are, and get into Mandy's car. They drive to Filine's Basement and buy some clothes. The conversation is on hold until they leave the mall, in the direction of a yogurt shop Mandy knows about. They eat yogurt and resume the discussion. Mandy make a yummy sound. She says, "This is good. And good for you." "But you drink all the time." "Yeah. It's self-destructive. But that's just social drinking. Men like a girl who can hold her liquor." "Seems a bit contradictory to me." "Women are contradictory, just like men." "Funny, I was just gonna say that." "Say what?" "All this shit about boys, how they're pigs who only want what they want. But you make it sound like there's hope for relationships. It's contradictory." "But your dad wasn't a pig." "No he wasn't. Isn't." "Right. Believe that." "Don't even think about starting in on my dad. He's a good man." "Today he is. That's because he knows the same thing I know – you can either have fun, or you can have security, but you can't have both." "You're saying men need security, too." "Hell yes. They just don't know it. I'm talking at the foundational level. The majority of them think they can protect themselves, and physically speaking, that's mostly true. But emotionally, they are FAR more raw and defenseless than girls. That's the key. If you want a relationship to last, you must trick the man into thinking he needs you." "So he doesn't really?" "Yes, he really does. But you can't just say, 'You're insecure and you need me.' You have to trick him." "And how do you do that? Assuming this line of reasoning is even ethical." "By convincing him YOU need HIM." "But I do need him." "No you don't. You only THINK you do. You're a woman. Women don't need men. They need us." "Oh come on, Mandy. Bullshit. We need each other." "Do we? Think about it. When a man's biological clock goes off, he starts overeating, buys a sports car, takes up golf and divorces his wife. When a woman's clock goes off, she has kids, goes on a diet, gets a part-time job and changes her hair. Men are self-destructive. Women are life-givers. We face truths men aren't willing to face." Cindy licks her yogurt and chuckles. "I think you're pulling all this out of your ass." "Oh no. I got it from a very reliable source." "Oh yeah? What's that?" "'Fight Club.'" "'Fight Club.'" "That's right." "The movie about the guys who beat each other up." "That's right. Did you see it?" "Hell no. If I wanna see a fist fight, I'll go back to Daniel." "Daniel's parents were divorced, right?" "Yes. You've got a good memory." "Tyler Durden, the character from 'Fight Club,' says men are impotent emotionally because they're a generation raised by women. When the parents divorced, not only was the mother forced to act as both emotional provider and financial protector, but the role of the father was diminished. It's a father's job to teach the boy that sexual proclivity and emotional stability are tied together in one messy bundle. If you chase tail without regard for emotion, you end up diseased and broken." "It sounds like you're talking about a girl." "That's the way in which we're the same. If you want a relationship to work, you have to realize that men are fragile and need to be coddled." "Huh. That actually makes sense." "I know! We watch TV and movies all day and we're supposed to think it's the other way around. But men control the media, and they perpetuate the myth that men are the stronger gender. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm not talking about some flimsy feminist mystique designed to transform stay-at-home moms into chief executive officers. I'm talking about a truth that's obvious to anyone with eyeballs." Mandy puts her spoon down and places a hand on Cindy's hand. "That's why you had no business following that silly article about how to seduce a man. I'm telling you, EVERY guy in the world is just jumping at the chance to sleep with a woman, any woman. It has nothing to do with how beautiful women are and everything to do with how horny men are. They can't find someone who'll protect them like their mothers did, so they settle for sex." Cindy is not convinced Mandy is correct, or not fully correct, but enough of what she says strikes a chord that Cindy is drawn to learn more. "Okay, I get it. I never wanted casual sex. I want a relationship." "That's right." "I get it." "Finally. Like I said, just be honest about what you want." "But you make it sound like all men are broken." "And aren't women? You're the one bar-hopping. The good news is, there's hope." "If you know so much, Mandy, why aren't you in a relationship? When I met you, you were banging a law partner twice your age." "That's because the right guy hasn't come along yet. When he does, I'll know, and I'll change my strategy. Instead of chasing after sex, I'll cook meals and ask him how his day was and shit." "I can't help pointing out how cynical all this sounds." "What can I say. I'm a cynic." Mandy and Cindy walk out to the car. They drive around with sunglasses on and continue the conversation. "But you can't decide to change just like that," Cindy says. "Why should I change? I told you, I haven't found a man worth snagging yet." "So what's THAT look like?" "He'll have his shit together, that's what. I don't care if he's got a good job and lots of money. He's got to have potential. He's got to have a clue. When I ask him what he wants to do with his life, he knows. He wants to contribute something to the world, not just see how much he can get from it. He wants to be faithful to one woman, he wants to stick around for his kids' birthdays and plays and graduations." Mandy's knuckles are white as she grips the wheel too hard. How to NOT Lose a Guy Cindy touches Mandy on the shoulder. "Are you okay?" Mandy blows out a breath. "Yeah, it's cool. You gotta understand, knowing how the world works and making the world work for you are two totally separate things." "Don't make it sound like I'm out of touch," Cindy says a bit defensively. She cannot help remembering that Mandy is the one working as a cashier while she is pursuing her law degree. But Mandy is in no mood to be talked down to. "You think you have it all together just because your job is better than mine?" Mandy asks, apparently reading Cindy's mind. "That's exactly the kind of thing that intimidates a boy. They need to feel needed, and YOU don't need anyone. I bet that guy at the bar was immediately put off when you told him your career plans. What did he do for a living?" "I don't remember. Junk bonds or something." "I'm telling you, that guy was a pig. He just wanted in your pants, especially when he thought you were better than him." "Look, this discussion is upsetting you." "Yeah, a little. But I wanna keep talking. I've been thinking about this for a long, long time, and this is, like, my first chance to get it all down on paper, so to speak. Do me a favor. Keep trying to poke holes in the theories. Maybe we'll come up with something better together." "Okay. So where were we?" "Wanna get some new shoes?" "You know I do." Mandy pulls into an outlet mall. The two girls buy three pairs each. Mandy's are club shoes, something she can dance in, something that shows off her ankles. Two of Cindy's pairs are low heels for work, but Mandy talks her into chocolate pumps that will go with the form-hugging dress they bought earlier in the day. They sit on a bench and talk. Cindy speaks first. "I feel better." "Yeah?" "Yeah. That guy was a jerk." "I'm not sure that's the lesson you were supposed to learn." "Well, he was." "Why?" "He just fucked me and left." "But you're the one who seduced him." "Yeah, but he didn't know that. He thought he seduced me. He asked me back to his place." "Look, Cindy, if you truly believe that women are in control, then you have to take responsibility for the power you wield. Men are weak, and they think with their penises. Women will always have the upper hand. It's time to acknowledge that this guy wasn't Mr. Right. You can't hold him accountable for that." "I know. Okay, I know that. Yes. You've got a point. But he was a little bit of a jerk." "Yeah, he was. And you knew that. You were settling." "Huh. I guess so." "See, you and I would never go for a nerd. I mean a REAL nerd, a full-blown nerd. There are brainy guys in the world with bad hygiene, but anyone can be instructed in good grooming. I'd personally love to end up with a smart guy who knows where my clitoris is. Smart guys make smart money. But nerds, they are self-absorbed in the extreme. They want what they want. Any time, and I mean any time, a nerd has sex, he is settling. He wants the perfect woman, just like you and I want the perfect man, but he'll never get her. Casual sex is always second best." "And if I hear you correctly," Cindy clarifies, "the reason you haven't gone after the brass ring is because you haven't found the right guy." "It's hard, there's no doubt. Heh. I remember in college, I'd fall in love with any guy who was nice to me. Some guys would open a door for you, or pick up your books when you drop them. In storybooks that's the moment you both fall in love. But they never fell in love with me. I wasn't good enough for them." "That's harsh." "It hurt, and I always said to myself, 'One day he'll be sorry. I'll be beautiful and he'll be sorry.' But the truth is, everyone has someone out there who's right for them. Not like soulmates, just compatibility of personality types, that Myers-Briggs shit, stuff like that. I was so desperate to be loved that any sign of kindness made me fall head over heels." " I know exactly what you mean. But I have to disagree about one point." "What's that?" "Well, there was a guy in college I thought was perfect. We had everything in common, and the stuff we were opposites in, we were opposites in the right way. But he never saw me that way." "That's where sex comes into the equation." "Sex?" "I'm telling you, Cindy, I've been planning it for years. When I find the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, I'm going to make him mine, and he'll think it was his idea the whole time." "So you have a plan." "Hell yes." "A plan for keeping the love of your life by your side." "Yes ma'am." "I'm dying to hear." "You've been hearing. It's all I've talked about today. You simply need to put the pieces in the right order." Cindy turns her attention to a family walking by, a man with his daughter on his shoulders, his wife pushing a stroller beside him. Mandy watches as well. "That," Mandy said, "is a man worth waiting for. Or he's a complete asshole divorcee who has his kids for the weekend and that woman is an office subordinate he's blackmailing. It's a crap shoot." "So if you can't be certain you've found a good man, why not settle for an okay one?" "Absolutely right." "No, I'm asking YOU. What are you waiting for?" Mandy runs her hands through her hair, a little frustrated, perhaps with herself. "You're right. I know you're right." She turns to Cindy. "This is another important point to keep in mind. You can't change a man to make him Mr. Right." "I know that." "You think you know, but you won't know until you've tried." "I'm with you on this point, Mandy. Believe me, I've tried. That's why I always get dumped." "But it's a little more subtle than that. Men CAN be changed, but only up to a point. If he can't dress himself, you can teach him. If he has no taste in wine or books or movies, you can steer him in the right direction. Or maybe he won't budge on movies, but he's open to learning new directions when driving. It's different for all guys. They're just like us in that regard. I'm not changing who I am for anyone, but I will admit when I'm wrong." "What have you been wrong about?" "Chaz, for one thing. But I just meant in general, you know?" "You and I should be lesbians. We'd get along great." Mandy's eyes twinkle. "I'd drive you nuts," she finally admits. "Now that you know how manipulative I am, you'd spot right away when I was trying to change you." "That's true. But I bet you're a more gentle lover than the guy at the bar." Mandy, usually the more adventurous of the two, is taken aback. "Where the fuck did this come from?" Suddenly Cindy is embarrassed. "I'm just joking," she says. Then she adds, "I was thinking of my college roommate. We were best friends, really best friends. A different guy would break her heart every week. She was drop-dead beautiful, so she was always getting asked out. But she was from the Southwest, same as me. She thought one of these guys would be a nice guy who wasn't just trying to bed her, and she was always wrong." "What happened to her?" "She's married now." "Is he nice?" "Yeah. He's a prince. I'm so jealous." "Of him or of her?" "Ha ha. I'd love a guy like that." "She did it just the right way," Mandy says. "She dated around, slept around, had some fun, but she never lost sight of the goal. Your friend waited until she met the right guy, and she recognized him when he came along. Meanwhile, she tried to prepare herself mentally, spiritually and physically. She kept in shape, she tried to reduce any annoying habits she had, and when the time came, she was ready." "Holy shit. How did you know all that?" "Just guessing. If they're a good couple, then there's no other way it could go down. Look, you're on the right career path, right?" "I think so, yeah," Cindy answers. "I mean, I really like my job." "But that's not enough. It's going to take you where you want to go, right?" "Yes. I believe so." "You waited until you found the right job, and you didn't settle. It was hard, because you had other offers, other options, but you waited. You waited and waited." "But I kept working until it came along." "You made yourself ready for when it did. That's just how relationships are. You have to be patient, but the patience pays off." "So you're being patient?" "I think so." "And the casual sex? That's your way of getting ready?" Mandy smiles. "Well, sex is more important to me than it is to you. I have to be absolutely sure the man I spend the rest of my life with can satisfy me in bed. I won't cheat on him, so he has to be worth it." "I remember you said that women want three things." "Yeah, they do – sex, money and love. Some will want one more than the others. You want love, I want sex. Neither of us want money, because we can always make our own. But for every girl, it's really SECURITY that we're looking for. Sex equals physical intimacy. The guy is a protector, he makes the girl feel secure when he's close. Money is a different kind of security. Girls chase rich men because they're afraid to live life without a safety net. But you, Cindy, you're the best kind. You want someone who will feed you emotionally and spiritually. I think that's wonderful. It's the best kind of security." "You're just guessing." "Did I guess right?" "Probably." "What? Ask." "Do you think I'm annoying?" "Do YOU think you're annoying?" "I didn't. But you've been talking about it." "How are you annoying?" "So I am!" "I'm not annoyed by you. But that guy at the bar was." "Good! I'm lucky he left." "That's right. You are. Look, if I tell you what's annoying about you, and you try to change it, then you might destroy the one thing that would attract the most perfect man in the world. Not perfect for everyone, perfect for you. I'm not gonna say you shouldn't change. It's okay to change. I'm saying, know why you're changing. Make sure the guy is worth having, and then, convince him you're the one." "And how do I do that? Trust me, I've tried." "You don't do it with words. He has to feel like you need him. But not too much. It's a tricky balance, because men are such pigs. They need to have someone in their lives who depends on them, but they also want to be alone and do whatever the fuck they want. And I'm talking about the nice ones, too. They get married, they give you all their money, and they feel like they've earned the right to spend every weekend golfing and shit. See, now I'm started to get pissed off at men again, but let's not lose focus. Men are what they are. They're pigs. But we love them, and they love us, and it's a big fucking disaster." "You said I need to make him feel needed." "Right. Thank you. Let him help you, let him solve some problems for you." "But isn't it supposed to be like that anyway?" "Yes, in a healthy relationship, yes. You help each other, that's how it works. But I'm explaining how to convince a guy to stay interested in you in the beginning. You have to make it deliberate. Don't butt in unless he asks, and don't ask him to butt out unless it's vital that he does. Secrets destroy a relationship." "Secrets." "Yes." "But you are the queen of secrets, Mandy." "That's because I haven't found the right guy yet. I'm just sleeping around for now." "That's brutally frank of you." "What can I say. I'm feeling brutally frank today." "This is all still so cynical. Wait. No, not all of it." "I was about to say, you better take that back." "You're right, I want love, not sex. I'm looking for something long-term. And it's not just some ploy that I need someone. I really do need someone." "But you can't forget that. I know you, Cindy. You're independent, self-sufficient. You've got your own money, and your parents raised you your whole life thinking you were worth something. You're man poison." "I am not." "Of course you're not. But I'm saying, the first time a guy gets all macho and puts you in your place, you're going to resent it and say to yourself, 'Fucking A, I don't need this twerp. I can take care of myself.' And that's why I'm trying to drive this point home: We are the stronger sex. We're more secure, we're better equipped. You HAVE to let him win sometimes. It's the key." "And what's his responsibility, then? What's he supposed to do for me?" "Honestly, I have no fucking clue. Men are pigs!" Mandy and Cindy laugh together, so loud that people walking by turn and stare. When they finish, Cindy returns to the conversation. "You can't change men." "That's right." "But you can change yourself." "Yes, when the time is right." "And you may wait a long time for the time to be right." "That's been my case, yeah." "That sucks." "I know." "What do I do in the meantime?" "Fuck anything that moves." "But that's not me." "Then masturbate." "That's me." Mandy twirls a finger through her hair. "I read 'The World According to Garp' by John Irving. Everyone in the book is so fucked-up, they can't make a relationship work, no one can. It has a lot to do with how we screw up our lives because we know what the right things in life are but we chase after the wrong things anyway. I remember this one part, don't remember who said it, Irving I guess. He says, life is just harder on men. That's why they die younger. They do more of the work, more of the physical labor, even more of the dying. It's true, they do. Men die more than women. They carry more fear. But Irving was only half right. Women carry a load, too. We see things more clearly, because the threat doesn't hang over us the same. We carry more truth, and truth burns like hot coals. It's heavy, and it's not fun. Men leave us because of fear, they hurt us with their fists because of fear. They're afraid because they know we're stronger. We survive because we're smarter and less afraid. Once you know that, girlfriend, you can wait as long as it takes." "Fuck me. Where did that come from?" Mandy shrugs. "I told you. I've been working on this theory a long time." "So what do you say to the women who never find the perfect man? The ones who die alone? There's as many of them as there are lonely old men." "I say, get a clue. You've been waiting for a man to jump through your hoops, and you haven't been willing to jump through any of his. THAT'S what a female nerd looks like. I don't care if she's leggy, blonde and gorgeous, she's a self-absorbed jerk and she has nothing to offer a man. One day she'll cry herself to sleep wondering where her looks went. She's rich and powerful, yes, but men don't care. They don't want sex, money and love. They want sex, and they want to feel needed." "Don't they want love as well?" "Yes," Mandy says, tapping her nose, "but they don't know that yet. First, you have to get him to fall for you. Then, you have to convince him you need him. Then, when the time is right, he'll open up to you with all his frailty, his insecurity, his hopes and fears. That's when you hold him and tell him everything will be alright. If you do it right, he won't resent you for it. He'll recognize his need, and he'll trust you to keep your damn mouth shut about it. Of course, you'll run right to me and tell me everything, but he doesn't need to know that." "Of course." Something like a cloud hangs over Cindy, not a cloud of doubt or fear, but one of truth, which is a heavy burden. She realizes she has been chasing the wrong kind of man, and she has been pretending to be the wrong kind of woman. She wants to say something to this effect to her friend Mandy, but she realizes that Mandy already knows. "Thanks for the talk," she says, not indicating how grateful she truly is. "Anytime." "It's funny. I've always been worried about you," Cindy says. "But I was the one with the wrong ideas." "Ideas and actions are worlds apart, Cin. I know this shit, that doesn't mean I know what I'm doing." "Then I tell you what. I'll be strong for you if you stay strong for me." "I can live with that." "No, I mean it. Men can't do this. They don't shop and drink coffee and talk about their feelings. They're scared and weak, and they can't be honest. But we can." "That's what I've been saying." "Well then, the next time we go to the clubs, I'm going to steer you away from the losers." Mandy laughs. "Right. Good luck." "In fact, let's fuck the clubs. I've never met a good guy there." "Oh, I have. Usually those are the ones that got dragged there by friends." "Really?" "Oh sure." "I always thought those were the pussies." "All men are pussies. The jock says to the geek, 'Let's go to the club and get you laid,' but really, the jock needs the geek to make himself look better, and to have someone to dump on. They're both little boys hiding who they are." "But some of them are real asshole creeps." "Yes, it's true." "Ever wonder," Cindy asks, "why girls fall for bad boys? For creep assholes?" "Because we're strong, and we want someone strong. We resent weak men. The key is to remember that ALL men are weak. Society is wrong. We are the stronger." "I guess I knew that. But you're right, it's counter-intuitive." "Next time you find yourself falling for a tough jerk, think about what kind of father he'd be. Think about how he'd treat your mom and sisters. Next time you're turned off by a mild-mannered reporter, ask him what he wants from life and what he's willing to do to get it. Many times there's a lot of willpower hiding underneath." "This is a lot to remember. Maybe it's easier to be alone." Some of the glow leaves Mandy's face. "Maybe." Cindy's eyes twinkle. She grabs Mandy's hand. "Maybe not." Mandy smiles. "Maybe not."