0 comments/ 3685 views/ 3 favorites Delete Contact? By: anastasiareeves CHAPTER ONE The phone suddenly felt heavy in her hand. And quiet. She had never realized how quiet it could be. She longed for it to make a sound, any sound, even if it meant spam in her inbox. Did she do the right thing? Five years. Had that much time really gone by? She checked the screen again. The message glowed as bright as ever. Was about to delete your contact information. I don't know why I haven't done it before now. Just never seemed, right. Wanted to make sure you were OK. She read the words over again, analyzing each one. Should she have told him that she was deleting him? Deleting him. As if he would disappear from existence if she hit the button and let this last piece of him go. That was the underlying issue, she knew deep down. The last proof that he ever existed. No reply. It wouldn't be long now, before the panic set in, for real. First, it would be the wonder of his demise. She always went to death first. Then she would come to her senses and realize he just truly did not want to hear from her again. But the words he had left her with were on a loop in her head: See you around. Clearly he meant that as a kind gesture in the place of "go fuck yourself." She checked the side of the phone to make sure it was not in silent mode, despite the fact that she had such a tight grip on it her fingers were turning white. Surely she would feel it vibrate. The sound was on, the volume turned up as high as it would go. Suddenly she had a strong hatred for technology. Because it was definitely the phone's fault she had made the rash decision to reach out after all this time. And it was obviously faulty equipment preventing him from replying. They had met online. She was a newbie in the world of message boards. He was the veteran who helped her through the battlefield of trolls, catfish and sock puppets. He was the most popular figure on the boards, and he gave her his attention. It excited her, and terrified her, at the same time. It was ten years ago, when it all began. The first post. Well. There it was. She had written it out and clicked the post button without too much thought. They know I'm here now, she thought. It started quickly. As soon as the words showed up on the screen, there were responses. None of them good. They told her she was unwelcome, they told her she should leave, die, for all they cared, just get out of their clubhouse, this instant. She had a feeling things might go this way. That is why it took her six months to announce her presence. She settled in and began to respond. To every one of them. She was honest. True to herself and her beliefs. It was her first big mistake. The first private message hit her inbox within a week of her blowout bonanza in which she made clear that she would not be bullied into leaving for any reason, including death threats and being called every derogatory female name known, and unknown, to the men throwing them at her. The message was simple: you are fighting a battle you cannot win. Continue this and you will be the one banned from the site. And it came from him. Mr. Popularity. She knew his name. It was all over the site, in thread after thread. He was funny, and smart, and good looking. She tried to remember where she was, what he was - Gay. Some of the posts she had encountered in the threads made perfect sense. She knew she had stepped into a world she might not be welcome in. Gay men. While she had the same sense of humor, same likes and dislikes, and same need to express herself, she had entered their space, and she was an outsider, in so many ways. She hit reply: Thank you for your concern. I will try not to fight so hard. She hit send, knowing she had lied to him. She would never stop fighting. It would be one of many times she told him what he wanted to hear. She figured that would be the last of it. He had reached out and sent her a warning. She had replied in kind. But then he started coming to her defense in public. They began to banter, in threads, with others watching. She liked it. That was her second mistake. The private messages became more frequent. A getting to know you period. If there were really such a thing when speaking to others behind a screen. In words, she never hid herself. She never pretended to be anything but a strong-minded, opinionated, force for equality, female. But while he changed his avatar daily, showing his face to the members of the board, or at least the face he wanted them to see, she rarely used a photo of herself in public. But him, she shared with. Everything he wanted to know. And even some things he didn't. It wasn't long before they took their conversations to other platforms. Instant messaging was both a blessing and a curse, in their budding relationship. Here they could speak daily, hourly, minute by minute. And usually did. Here they could discuss the message boards, what people meant by their posts, devise plans to post things in unison. And of course, get to know each other on a personal level. She knew the basics already. He was married. He and his husband were on the rocks. They had two children through in vitro. Twins. A boy and a girl. He lived in Georgia. Which was nowhere near her. On the boards they were both a force and a much talked about "thing." They made dumb comments about it, the two of them, and others played along. They flirted outright, sometimes going beyond innocent banter. Some hated it. Most just ignored them. The first cracks in the illusion that became their "relationship" began outside the boards. He had gone out clubbing and met a guy. For a time their message board "love affair" and their instant message based "relationship" became skewed. On the boards, everything remained the same. Prom King and Prom Queen. Outside the boards, she was helping him interpret the words and movements of the new guy, helping him figure out if there was something there. It was in these moments that she lied most. Lied to him, encouraging him even if she felt there was none to be had, telling herself she was OK with it, even though it killed her inside. She would soon learn that while those moments were deathly scary as they were happening, they didn't last long. The falling apart began when the guys he was asking her to help with were on their message board. Their sanctuary. Their place. Naivety was not usually something people equated to her, but in this case, she was the master of it. They had known each other three years now. Their relationship was rocky, to say the least. They would fight, stop talking, apologize, fall back into old habits. Rinse and repeat. He came along like a whirlwind and overturned everything in his wake. This new kid. Young and cute and immediately popular. With his sights set directly on her dude, who fell hard. She split herself in two. One half ever the protector, helper, positive coach, encouraging his attempts at courting his new friend. The other half fighting desperately to hold on to the status of their own relationship. And it was when those two halves collided that all hell broke loose. It was the first of many times she would leave him. As with all the others, it was short lived. Both her hiatus from him, and his love affair with the newest boy toy. The final two years were strained, to say the least. She had left the message boards while on her break from him, and in her return, did whatever it took to distance herself from the former Prom King and Prom Queen status they had come to know previously. The rift that caused, publicly stating they were no longer a "thing" was one they would never recover from. Their final fight was about politics. The old adage of never discussing politics or religion was becoming true. The odd part was, they were on the same side. But damages to their relationship had gone long past repair. And in their final correspondence he had told her he was going to live life offline. Leaving her with the words she was still holding on to: see you around. That was five years ago. She had emailed him since then. And it bounced back. He had truly erased himself from the digital world, or at least from the world she knew him from. She scrolled past his name every so often in her contact list, wondering why he was still there. Knowing the truth. She couldn't let go just yet. Now here she was, asking the universe to be on her side. She knew he existed, she had seen him once, in person. In the oddest of their encounters. They had both been at a meet-up organized by members of the message board. He was too shy to approach her, she was too proud to go first. The signs were all there. Theirs was an odd match that probably wouldn't last. But how far had he gone to erase himself from what she knew of him? The familiar tone of her text message pulled her out of her thoughts. Her heart beat faster, her stomach suddenly felt ill. Instinctively she knew, her answer was waiting. She slid her finger across the screen to open the message. All is well here. K and I separated, finally. Kids are growing way too fast. I got a job, I travel to LA sometimes. Have thought about contacting you, but was never sure if the time was right. Good to hear from you. What's new? Tears fell, unwanted. He was alive. She hadn't realized she was so scared of the alternative. She stared at the screen for a second, wondering if she should reply right away. Oh, who was she kidding. Her fingers were on the keys before she could wipe the last tear from her cheek. Same old, same old. Keeping busy with freelance work. Next time you are here we should at least try to have coffee or something. Her finger hovered over the reply button. Would it scare him off, suggesting they get together? She erased that line. Then typed it out again. Screw it. Worst case they would go back to never speaking again. She had survived that for five years. She pressed reply. She was friends with technology again. The familiar dots, indicating he was replying, showed up immediately. She warned herself not to fall back on old habits. Sending him messages and expecting him to answer her right away. I'll be there next month. Next month. Do not get excited. Casually suggest finding a time to meet. Cool. Let's try to get together then. If you have time. And want to. He was replying before she even had that done. Are you seeing anyone? Again she reminded herself to be calm. He was just curious. Do not get your hopes up. No. You? No. How to respond. Sorry? No. Not going to lie to him. Let's try this a new way. Be honest up front. I am sorta glad about that. In a selfish way. I sort of am too. There it was again. He was giving her hope. Do not overthink it. Play along, have fun. it was always better when you were just having fun. So tell me about your job. You like it? I do. Sales, mostly, but I get to travel around the US a bit. Good. You said kids are growing fast, you get to see them a lot? Yes. I still live in Georgia. Near them. My own apartment. I have them during the week, when I'm not traveling. After school. Bring them back late evening. Works out well. So glad to hear that. You seem happier. I am. ...You probably won't believe me but, I have missed you. I've missed you too. She ignored the urge to say more. To over analyze. To ruin their moment. I gotta get back to work. Kids will be out of school soon. We will talk soon. Promise. TTYS. :) She read the words over and over again. There was nothing in them that said anything but what they meant. No matter how much she tried to make it otherwise. Soon turned out to be late evening that same day. Her text message alert startled her. Is your instant message name the same? No. Using Skype now. It has IM without video, too. My first and last name, all together. Coolies. Will message you - if you're able to chat? I'll be online shortly. Her laptop was already open in front of her. One click and she would be online. With him. She hesitated. Her heart was racing. She was unsure if it was out of fear, excitement, or a combination of both. Probably the latter. The familiar tones that let her know she was logged in sounded and she waited for the notification that he'd sent her a message. She did not have to wait long. Going through the "accept this user's messages" routine brought her back to the old days. When she'd delete him and then have to accept his requests again. She vowed to do things better this time. Ellis: Hey Sarah: Hey Ellis: Feels weird. Doesn't it? Sarah: Yeah, a little bit. Ellis: How was your day? Sarah: Good. Did some writing. Reconnected with an old friend. Ya know. The usual. Ellis: Ha. I had a similar day. Ellis: Have you been back, there, at all? She didn't need him to explain where, there, was. He meant the message board. The place where they had met, the place that held all the tension, both good and bad. She wasn't sure how much she should tell him. She had been back. A few times. To see if he had returned. Sarah: A few times. Just to check and see if it was the same. I found that it was. Never stayed long. Ellis: Yeah. Me too. I actually stayed off the Internet for a full year. Sarah: Wow. That's amazing. What did you do? Ellis: Watched a lot of TV, movies, read stuff. Spent more time with the kids. After K and I finally decided we were better off apart, I slowly got back online. Sarah: I hope that process wasn't too awful. Ellis: The divorce? No. We had been essentially separated for a while anyway. He was good about letting me see the kids, you know, since technically he could get full custody and not let me see them at all. Sarah: DNA does not make you any less their father. Ellis: I know. And thankfully K felt the same. So I moved out. We had to go back to Boston to finalize the paperwork. Sarah: How did the kids do with it? Ellis: They took it pretty well. They knew. Kids are smart. They saw it as fun. A new place to hang out. My apartment building has a pool and play area, families all around us. Sarah: That's great. Ellis: What about you, what have you been up to? Sarah: Freelance work, mostly. Life has been pretty much the same for a while now. Keeping myself busy with design, writing. Ellis: You still talk to Lily? Sarah: Yeah. She comes to LA once a year, sometimes twice, depending on money and time. Ellis: Cool. Is she going to be mad at you for talking to me again? Sarah: Probably. But I'll talk her out of it. That's how the conversation went, for at least two hours. She knew they were dancing around the big topics. Their past. Their present. Their future? Ellis: I should probably go to sleep. Late here. Sarah: Time zones. Damn them. Ellis: You'll be around tomorrow? She started to respond then paused. Did she really want to start the daily routine? Yes. She did. But was it wise? Stop overthinking. Sarah: Yeah. I'll be here. Ellis: Coolies. Talk to you then. Night. Sarah: Night. E? Ellis: Yeah, still here. Sarah: Thanks for replying to my text. Ellis: I'm glad you sent it. I'll see you soon. Sarah: Night. As usual, she re-read the exchange, looking for hidden messages. She knew there were none there. Knowing would do nothing to quiet her mind. And as she expected, she was up all night thinking about what she had done. Think positive. This was a good thing. A new beginning. They were away from the message board. That toxic wasteland that sucked the happiness out of them. He was single now, and working. Plus he was receptive to talking again, and that was more than she ever thought could happen. CHAPTER TWO Lily was online as soon as Sarah signed on to Skype. She knew she would have to tell her about the previous day. Just how quickly she got to the topic was up to her. Lily: Hey. How do? Sarah: Hey. All good. You? Lily: Slept all day yesterday, woke up dead early today, tried to do some drawing. Went to see a movie with co-workers. Sarah: Cool. So. I have to tell you something you're not going to like. That didn't take long. She knew she was not going to be able to hold out. She took a deep breath and thought about how best to tell her friend that the guy who had dealt her the biggest heartbreak of her life was back in it. And it was her choice. That would have to be the way she went about it. And then groveling. And possible bribery. Lily:? Sarah: I talked to Ellis yesterday. There was a long pause. She could tell her friend was writing something, Skype was good for that. She was probably trying to spell out every curse word she ever knew, both American and British. She thanked the heavens she was thousands of miles away right now. Lily: Who contacted who? On the phone? Online? At the boards? Also WHY???! Sarah: I contacted him. Via text. Because I was about to delete his contact info and needed to know if he was still alive. Lily: Oh, so you just, contacted him, found out he was alive, and then deleted him? Sarah: Not exactly. Lily: Not exactly, or not at all? Here goes nothing. Sarah: We texted a bit. Then spent a few hours chatting here on Skype. Lily: You are so lucky I am in the UK and unable to come over there and beat you over the head with something not soft. Sarah: L, I know. It's different this time, I can feel it. Lily: You sound like a domestic violence victim. "He loves me, he said he won't do it again." Sarah: I am not a victim. He didn't violate me. We had an online relationship that ended in a dumb way. Lily: He did violate you. Maybe not physically, but mentally. He made you believe things were happening that weren't and he never respected you. Sarah: Deep breath L. A lot of that turmoil was self made. Lily: There it is again. It's different. It's partially my fault. Tell me you can't see that? In a lot of ways she did see it. But she was different now. She had different perspective. Different self-awareness. And she had more sense than her friend was giving her credit for. Sarah: Give me some credit here. I didn't go crawling back two days after he left, asking him for forgiveness. It has been 5 years. And just so we're clear, there has been no apologizing and no begging to be taken back. We chatted about family, jobs. He's divorced now. Working. And we're far removed from that place, where we fell into a habit of toxicity. Skype told her that her friend was typing. But it was several long minutes before she got another message. Lily: Are you going to talk to him again? Sarah: Today, probably. L. The jury is still out on whether or not this is a mistake. I know what you're saying. I hear you. I'll be more careful. We're just talking. About nothing. Lily: That never lasts long. Soon you'll both be making promises you can't keep. Sarah: I made a choice. And I am going to see it out. Lily: If I have to talk you off a ledge again because of this guy, you are going to owe me so many things. Sarah: I know. And I'll give you all of the things. Her friend was appeased. For now. She smiled. She meant everything she had said. This would be different. She was not a victim and she would not let him make the promises he made to her, and didn't keep. She was reminding herself of that when Skype alerted her that someone else had signed on. Lily and Ellis were the only people on her contact list. Her heart raced in that familiar way it used to when his name turned up on Yahoo. She smacked herself on the side of her head. You're already doing it. Dummy. Ellis: Hey She waited five minutes before responding to him. She and Lily had started a new conversation and she was trying as hard as she could to not run to him immediately. Like she had done so many times before. They were the longest five minutes she had ever waited. Delete Contact? Sarah: Hey Ellis: What's new? Sarah: Chatting with Lily. Ellis: Oh? How mad is she? Sarah: Very. Ellis: What did you tell her? Sarah: I promised her that everything was fine and would be fine. Ellis: Why wouldn't it be? Sarah: Do you want to have this conversation now, or do you have work to do? Ellis: Now. Her fingers stalled on the keyboard. Ellis and Lily were always like oil and water. Even when he wasn't the guy that broke Lily's best friend's heart. Whatever she said was going to start a shitstorm of questions and conversations about their past and be a stark reminder of that fact. Which Ellis did she have today? The understanding one, or the one who flew off the handle if she didn't form her words just right. Sarah: She's concerned that we will fall into old habits. Ellis: Old habits? Like? Sarah: Like the one where I give you everything and more and you forget to appreciate it. That habit I had where I let my life be tethered to yours and forgot to ask for that in return. The one where I help you through any number of relationships and you disregard the fact that it's me you should be concentrating on. Those habits. Nothing happened. For several excruciating minutes. There was no indication he was typing, no messages. Just. Nothing. She went back to her conversation with Lily. Sarah: I think I made him mad. Or scared him. Lily:? Sarah: He asked why you were concerned and I told him the truth. That you were worried things would be like they were before. He's not responded. Lily: Good. Maybe he spontaneously combusted. Sarah: Brat. He responded. Let me go read it. She went back to her conversation with Ellis. A slight amount of fear had crept into her. This was moving way faster than she imagined. She thought she'd have more time to ease in to the hard part of the reconnection. Ellis: I'm not that guy anymore. The real reason I haven't contacted you? I figured you hated me. And you had every right to. I thought, and still think, about the things I did and I hate that guy. I was in a different place. There's no excuse for the things I did to you. Making promises I knew were empty. Asking you to give me more than I was willing to give back. But I need you to know one important thing, Sarah. When I said I love you, I meant it. Maybe it wasn't in the way you needed me to love you then, but it was still the truth. Still is the truth. She stared at the words. Read them over and over again. She thought about sharing them with Lily, except she'd never see them as anything but more lies. But Sarah knew, the old Ellis would have fought hard to deny that he had any fault in anything having to do with them. Or any of the things that happened on and offline. Ellis: Hello? Sarah: Sorry. That was unexpected. Ellis: What was? Sarah: That speech. Look. I am trying not to delve too deeply into the past, I wasn't planning on getting back in contact with you to rehash all the shit we did and didn't do to each other. I know that I am partially at fault. I asked you to love me in a way you couldn't. I knew that when I met you. I was a bit more, naive, then though. I thought I could play in the sandbox and not get dirty. I thought that I would be different than those girls who fall hard for their gay best friends. I hated myself for being exactly like them. And I blamed you for more than I should have. Ellis: I told you then, and I will still say it again now. That never mattered to me. Gender. I identify as gay. That is what I feel I am. But I have, and am capable of, being in love with a woman. I just, didn't do it right when it came to you. Because I was with someone else. Because I thought he'd understand more if I met a man, instead of a woman. I thought he'd take the kids away and never let me see them. I know I should have said that to you. Instead of making you promises I couldn't keep. But by the time I had figured all that out, we were deep in it, and the thought of losing you scared the hell out of me. And then I pushed too far and you left anyway. Her eyes had gone blurry from the tears she had not wanted to shed. She had promised, years ago, that she would not cry about anything having to do with him, ever again. These were new kinds of tears though. Her emotions ran from the sadness she had felt long ago, to a new sense of joy and - hope. She tried not to allow herself to feel too much of that last emotion. Hope. That was the dangerous one. Sarah: I know you said that before. And usually I believed you. But most times I just felt that's what you said to me to keep me, obedient. Because everything I knew about sexuality was simple. Gay men liked other men. That's why they were gay. I didn't expect to find someone who had different sexual fluidity. I didn't know it existed. It certainly doesn't exist in me. Ellis: We both made mistakes. Mine were definitely worse. I am not ever going to deny that. Is it too much to hope that we can change those habits and make new, more positive ones? There was that word again, hope. And he had used it before she did. She felt like there were definite possibilities here. He was admitting his fault in their demise. It was a start. A good start. Sarah: That's what I am here to find out. But let's not start making promises we can't keep. Let's be smart about it. We have a month to decide if we're ready to make the one promise we never could keep before. Meeting face to face. Let's figure out how to get there first. K? Ellis: Yes. Let's do that. Shit. Babes, I have to do a little work before the kids get here. But I'll come back later, after I take them to K's. Sorry... Sarah: S'ok. Go. Work. I'll be around. Text me if I'm not here on Skype. Ellis: This was good. Right? I feel good about it. Sarah: It was. She focused on the word babes. It was an old habit he probably didn't even realize he had gone back to. Her lips were curled in a smile she would never be rid of. She hoped. It was a lot. Letting herself feel that. Hope. She went to tell Lily about it. And felt immediate guilt. She'd already done it. Forgotten she was online with two people. There'd be more groveling and more bribes. Sarah: So sorry. We got into a conversation I did not expect. I did not forget about you, I just, didn't know how to process what was happening. Lily: No worries. I figured it would be like this for a while. Sarah: No. It won't. It really is different. We had a good talk. He admitted he did things very wrong. He opened up more than he ever has, and we used to chat for 8-12 hours a day, 7 days a week. Lily: Good. Sarah: No promises were made. Just simple recognition of issues we'd like to never repeat. Lily: Old habits are hard to break. Sarah: If we can't break them, the reconnection will be short lived. Lily: Just don't forget that. Sarah: I won't. I promise. Lily: Ha. Funny. They fell back into conversations about everything and nothing, depending on what hit them at the moment they were typing. That was the beauty of their friendship. They could be silly, serious, smart and dumb all at the same time. It helped her remember that there was a lot of good that came out of that place. She had met Lily there too. For a time they were a tornado in a town filled with things that were not nailed down. They caused chaos at every turn. And had fun doing it. Now they took their madness into the real world. She hoped that this new thing with Ellis would work out. It would really suck if she had to beg and bribe her way out of Lily's well built doghouse. CHAPTER THREE The morning sun woke her up from one of the most satisfying and restful sleeps she had experienced in a long time. She was stretching her limbs and letting her eyes adjust to the light when she had a sudden realization. She never signed back online, and as far as she knew, he had not sent her a text to let her know he was waiting for her. She reached for her phone, sitting quietly on her bedside table. The screen was blank. No missed texts. She couldn't really be upset about it. She had fallen asleep. And she was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he had done the same. Trust. That was the other hurdle she had to leap over. She had trust issues anyway, but he had been the one to test it more than any other. New beginnings, she reminded herself as she got out of bed. She was on her second cup of coffee and her third attempt at writing a proposal for a new client when her phone rang. She checked the caller ID. His name showed up. What? "Hello?" she answered it like she didn't know who was on the line. "Hey," his deep voice sent chills down her spine. She had heard him speak before, in messages sent over the Internet, never in a phone call. This was new. He did not identify himself. Proving that he was smart enough to know she knew who was on the line. "Hi." "I thought maybe it would be better to call you to apologize for falling asleep instead of signing on or texting, so you could hear my voice and how much I mean it," he said. "I fell asleep too," she admitted. He laughed. That was a sound she had not heard. It was nice. "What's new?" it was his usual general question. It meant how are you, what are you up to and sometimes even hello all in two small words. She had gotten used to seeing it. It made her smile, realizing he spoke much like he typed. "New client wants me to write a proposal for him, for his new product line, and it's been a struggle finding the right words. The product is dumb. But I can't say that. So I'm trying to find the right way to get people to invest in his creation," she chuckled lightly, that was a lot of words all at once. "That sucks. I understand though. Sometimes I struggle with trying to sell products to people I know have no interest in them." They fell into a natural rhythm, talking about work. He was working for a company that sold software that helped companies in the finance sector work faster, more efficiently. He liked it, most of the time. He was still shy, so the presentation part always freaked him out. He was happier being at home, processing orders and talking to clients over the phone. When they had exhausted all their possible conversation about their jobs, she hesitantly moved on to more meaty things. "We're talking on the phone," she stated the obvious. "I know. Weird, right?" he mirrored her thoughts. "Yeah. Weird. I was too afraid, back then," she admitted. "Of what?" "I think," she started cautiously. "That I was afraid if we talked too much on the phone, or met in person, that it would be real. I think that, naively, I thought that maybe if I kept you as just an online friend it wouldn't hurt so bad if, when, it went bad." He was silent for a moment. She wondered if she had said too much. "I think that was one of the issues," he finally said. "You were so certain it would end badly, you sort of, made it true." She knew he was right. But this new, insightful Ellis was still strange. Was he always like this? "Yeah. I am sure that is true. I've worked on them, though. My trust issues." "Good. I have worked on a lot of my issues too," he said. "And I really do think that taking myself out of the relationship with Kevin helped. We were toxic together, to each other. Without even knowing it. And I was living in such fear. When we finally sat down and talked about it, worked out a way to live apart but raise our kids together, I felt a huge weight lift. Huge. I became a whole different person." "I'm glad, about that. I never wanted anything but for you to be happy. I just, didn't know how to wish for that and make myself happy too. With all my trust and abandonment fears, all I could ever think of was that if you were, I don't want to say happier, but, not in your situation, you wouldn't need me." "I wish I knew how to make you believe that I wanted, want, you to be in my life. No matter what my situation was, or is," his voice softened. Tears, again. She tried not to let her voice reveal her emotional state. "There was nothing you could have said or done to make me believe it. My issues went so much deeper. My family, my upbringing. Past relationships. I was in the wrong place to be in any kind of relationship, especially one as unconventional as ours was, and have it be healthy." "But you're there now?" There was a tinge of hope in his voice. "Yes," she answered quicker than she meant to. "That's good." He was right. Hearing his voice was better. There was no need to interpret his words. His tone told her everything she needed to know. She felt an immediate guilt, knowing that the pain of years gone by could have been avoided had she been brave enough to have actual conversations with him over the phone. "What are you thinking?" his voice broke through her thoughts. "Was just feeling a bit, silly, that I was so afraid of this before. Things would have been so much easier if I had just, gotten over it and had an actual conversation with you over the phone." "Nothing we can do about the things that happened back then. All we can do now is try to do it right this time." "Yes," she didn't know what else to say. He was open trying things again, he had said it in print, now he was saying it out loud. She let herself feel hope again. "That is not to say that we have to communicate this way all the time. I am not always going to be able to talk on the phone, we'll still text and instant message." "Yes," she said again and then laughed. "Sorry I have suddenly lost my ability to form sentences." "It's ok. We should hang up anyway. I have a pile of orders to process and you have a proposal to write." "Damn, I thought maybe I could talk on the phone all day and forget about it," she sighed. "But you're right. We must be responsible." "I'll sign on to Skype and keep checking in," he promised. "Awesome," she answered a little too brightly. "Awesome," he repeated back to her. "That should be how we end every call. Instead of saying bye. I don't like that word. Or we could find a different word. Just not bye." She liked the fact that he was not willing to say bye. She knew it meant so many things. Just saying that word. For them it could mean forever. "Have you seen Fifty Shades?" she asked. "No, didn't think it would be for me, should I watch it?" he didn't even question why she was asking. "Yeah, I mean, it's my new obsession. I was asking because, Christian always says laters baby. There's a silly reason for it but I won't go into it. We could just use laters. It seems more, appropriate, than awesome. Awesome to me is more like an agreement or acknowledgement that something is cool," she laughed. She was such a dork. "I'll watch it sometime, and yeah, laters is good. So, laters...babes." "Laters," she answered him without any further discussion. It was her new approach. Not everything needed more words attached to it. She stared at her phone long after they had ended their call. Did that really just happen? Yes. It did. And it was good. Another positive step. They talked, over the phone, and the world did not explode. She shook her head and reluctantly went back to work. Skype was open on her screen but she had finally gotten into a rhythm writing the dumb proposal so when the new message alert sounded it took her by surprise. For a moment she wondered what Lily was doing online, she should be at work. Then she remembered it was Ellis. How long would it be before she got used to him being a factor in her life again? Ellis: How's the proposal going? She waited to answer. It was a silly thing, pretending she was not right there online, waiting for messages. Everyone in her life knew she did all her work on a computer. There was no reason to act like she was away from it. Sarah: Almost done. Actually. You? Did you get your orders processed? Ellis: Mostly. Just a couple more. Needed a break though. If I don't take breaks I get cranky. Sarah: Cranky? You? She regretted that immediately. Was he ready for her sarcastic teasing so soon? Would he realize it was a joke? Stop. Just stop. He's fine. He's a big boy. Ellis: Yeah. Go figure. See. Everything is fine. Shut up, brain. Ellis: So, Fifty Shades is your new obsession huh? I thought you were down on the whole BDSM thing? Sarah: I am. Generally. In life. But it's pretty toned down, especially on film. I did read the books though, and they're explicit, sexually. I am down on BDSM if it means inflicting major pain and humiliation on each other. This is more, light. Although dark. I dunno. Will you watch it? Ellis: Maybe. We could watch it together. I mean like we used to, together but, separately. Online. Sarah: Yeah. I'm down for that. Wow we just used the word down way too many times in one conversation. Ellis: Ever the writer. This weekend is my off one. Meaning I don't have the kids. And I have no set plans. If you're around, maybe we'll watch some movies. Chat. If you want. Sarah: Awesome. Ellis: Anything else you're obsessed with these days? Music. Movies. Sarah: YA books and movies, superheroes, cosplay and tattoos. Ellis: Cosplay? Sarah: Dressing up as characters, for conventions. Ellis: Ah. I wasn't sure if that was a new sexual thing you were into. How many tattoos do you have now? Sarah: 18. It was interesting, that she would rather tell him that she had 18 tattoos now, rather than continue their dance around sexual proclivities. He had hated the idea that she was getting so much ink done back then. But openly discussing sex with him was what got them in trouble the first time around, and every time after that. Ellis: Wow. I can't wait to see them. In person. Sarah: You're not mad? Ellis: Old habits, babes. Sarah: Right. What about you, anything you're obsessing over? Ellis: Music, Youtube. Golden Girls and Spongebob still. The kids are way into Avengers and Batman and Star Wars. And Frozen. Sarah: Awesome. The usual back and forth banter, mixed with links to his favorite songs on Youtube, seemed to come naturally and quickly. She had to remind herself that sending songs was always just a thing he did. They didn't mean anything, the words to the songs were never what he was thinking. She matched his excitement with her own links. Old habits. Ellis: It's that time again. I gotta get ready for the kids to be here. Sarah: Damn. Time went by fast. Ellis: Yeah. I'll be back again though, tonight. But if I'm not, I fell asleep. I promise I want to talk to you all day and all night. But life, and age, get in the way sometimes. Sarah: I get it. Ellis: Laters, babes. Sarah: Laters. She shook her head and laughed. His willingness to use those words, despite never having seen the movie, was a stark reminder that she was able to influence him in a lot of ways. Even back then. He watched movies, read books, listened to music, that she had suggested. And loved them. Most times anyway. He also took her advice, mostly. There was good in their relationship. Even when it wasn't, good. It gave her hope. Hope that 'that place' wasn't the only thing that had kept them together. Without it, without the drama and the distraction, they seemed to be doing OK. She finished writing the proposal and sent if off to be edited. After a long shower and a brief conversation via text with her friend Maya, in which she once again found herself defending her choice to allow Ellis back in her life, she climbed into bed with her laptop and her iPad. Reading would be a good idea, but she wasn't sure she could concentrate. She hadn't signed on to Skype just yet. She was trying hard not to always be right there. Waiting. She decided to watch Fifty for the millionth time. Just as Ana and Christian had entered the red room her text alert went off. Delete Contact? Falling asleep. Wanted to make sure you knew I didn't forget about you. Enjoyed chatting today. In both forms. Let's be sure to do that again. Laters, babes. And sleep well. She smiled. It was going to be difficult not to get used to this again. Me too. All of that. Sleep well. Laters. xo She set her phone down on the bedside table, closed her laptop and settled in to finish watching her movie. It might have been too soon to do so, but she felt herself wondering what if. What if she and Ellis could be like Ana and Christian. Giving in to their desires. Changing themselves and each other in order to be together. She was going to try hard to find out. CHAPTER FOUR The next week found them back in a natural routine. Texting. Instant messaging. Phone calls. Every day, without fail. They were just into their second week when he made a new suggestion. Ellis: Let's try something. Sarah:? Ellis: Video? I mean, we're on Skype. That's what it's for, yes? Sarah: OK. She looked down at herself to remember what she was wearing. Yoga pants and a t-shirt. Good enough. She pulled up the video function on Skype and saw that he was waiting there for her. He was pretty much what she remembered. Dark features. Brown eyes, dark hair, handsome face, with a slight smile. He didn't like his true smile. He thought it made him look weird. So he only grinned. Except the once. That time they passed each other in a crowded bar and never made contact. She shook off the memory. "Hi," his voice came through, slightly muffled. "Hi." "You look good," he told her. "Nice and relaxed." "You too. Much happier and more at peace than what I remember. From your pictures and stuff." She was trying not to say too many things that would make him self-conscious. He was very concerned with his looks and what people thought of them, back then. She was unsure if that was still true. "Thanks. I moisturize," he chuckled. She laughed with him. Their conversation turned to mundane topics. Work. Home. Music. Movies. She did her best not to bring up politics, or any subject she felt was volatile. "It has occurred to me, that you have seen me naked, but I have not seen you naked," he said after a long bout of silence. She laughed nervously. "That is true." "Thinking maybe it's time we remedy that," his voice was suddenly seductive. She played coy. But her wide smile and mischievous eyes said she was game. "What would you like me to remove first?" "Shirt," he commanded. She trailed her fingers down her sides and grabbed the hem of her t-shirt. Slowly, deliberately, she pulled it up, over her stomach, pausing just below the bottom of her breasts. The hem of her sports bra just peeking out under the material. He smiled and nodded at her in encouragement. She pulled further up, over her breasts, lifting her arms to pull the material over her head and off completely. "Very nice," his voice had gotten deeper. He moved his laptop further back so that she could see more of him. He mirrored her, removing his t-shirt. He was thin, like she remembered, with a bit more muscle tone. There was a small amount of hair, just between lightly defined pecks, and down on his torso, leading her eyes to his crotch. She had flashes of images from years past, she knew what was under his jeans. It did not stop her desire for them to be removed. She knew she would have to go first. "Pants?" she did her best to make her voice sound seductive. "Please," he encouraged. His right hand was resting on his right thigh, she wondered how much he was trying not to touch himself. There. She would make it harder. So to speak. Her inside joke made her smile wider. She hooked her thumbs under the waistband of her yoga pants, taking her time pulling them over her hips, down her thighs, and over her feet. She was thankful that she had put on a nice pair of underwear. Black, lace waistband, silky material. Her sports bra was holding her breasts in place, pushing them up enough for her to have an ample amount of cleavage. She was suddenly very aware of the material against her skin. Now that they were the only things hiding her body. He was quiet. Carefully watching her. The computer screen kept things a bit skewed. It was enough to remind her that they were alone, together. She felt an immediate need to have his hands on her. She shook it off, and silently willed him to follow her lead. He complied. Without prompting. He took his time unbuttoning and unzipping his jeans and pulling them down and out of frame. As she had suspected, his fitted briefs revealed the outline of his growing hard-on. She felt another twinge of need. "I can't wait to get my hands on you," she heard him say, his voice just over a whisper. It made her feel all sorts of emotions. He wanted her, as much as she wanted him. "Soon," she wanted to let him know that she felt the same. "In the meantime, we are just going to have to take care of ourselves." She wondered if she was going to have to tell him what she wanted him to do. But he let her off the hook. His hand moved over the top of his underwear, making it stretch over the shaft of his ever growing dick. He rubbed himself for a few seconds before hooking his thumbs into the waistband and pulling them down, over his hard on, past his thighs, out of the frame of the video. He was the perfect size. She wanted to feel him, inside her. She shifted her position, clenching her thighs, doing her best to push down her need for him. He wrapped his fingers around his dick and slowly moved his hand up and down the shaft. His thumb grazed the tip and head, making his breath quicken. He let out a light moan. She figured that was for her benefit. He continued this, speeding up the movement until he had found just the right rhythm. Another moan, this one louder, told her he was close to the edge. His breath hitched and he came hard, onto his stomach, his fingers, down his shaft. His breathing steadied and she saw him reach for something off camera. His t-shirt. He used it to wipe himself off. She was reminded of how many intimate things she knew about him. Despite never having been in the same room, not alone anyway. He did not like the feel of cum on his skin. Not even when it was his own. "Your turn," he brought her back to the moment. She didn't hesitate. If she had, she might have lost her nerve. She closed her eyes and let her fingers trail over the silk material of her underwear, brushing past her clitoris and continuing down. She opened her eyes to see his reaction. He was watching her intently. She removed her panties with as much sexiness as she was capable of. She watched as his lips twitched into a grin that told her he liked what he was seeing. It made her want to keep going. She put her index and middle finger in her mouth to wet them. Not that she needed to. She was plenty ready. She trailed her fingers over her neck and chest, slowly pulling down the zipper on her still in tact sports bra. She did not open it all the way. Just enough for more skin to peek through. His eyes gleamed, and she continued to let her fingers travel down. Over her stomach further and further, until her middle finger was resting on her clitoris. She opened her legs wider, for more access, pressing harder against herself. She moaned, feeling every nerve ending from the top of her head to the bottom of her toes tingle. She closed her eyes again and let her fingers find their way inside her. It made her arch her back. She could feel herself constrict. She pushed in further, as far as they would go, moving them around, until she couldn't hold on anymore. She let out a soft moan and let herself explode around her own fingers. When she opened her eyes again he was smiling wider than she thought anyone was capable of. It made her smile in return. Knowing that she had brought on what she knew was a rarity. His true happy smile. "Wow," he echoed her thoughts. They were suddenly shy again. But recovered enough to say goodnight properly. She closed her laptop and climbed into bed. As soon as her head was on the pillow and her eyes were closed she recalled every moment. It both scared her and excited her at the same time. Never. She had never done that with anyone. She tried not to think too much about what any of it meant. Let it be what it was. Fun. She suppressed the sudden desire to book a ticket to Georgia for the next morning. Two weeks. She could wait two weeks. She tried to make herself believe that, and finally fell asleep. CHAPTER FIVE There were no more video sessions between them, but there were several instances of sexting and many times when they discussed being together, physically, when they spoke over the phone and on instant message. They spent the next two weeks making plans. Their first actual face to face encounter, just the two of them. She imagined all sorts of scenarios. Ones where they had nothing to say once they were in the same room. Some where all they did was have sex. She wasn't sure if those were good or bad thoughts. After much discussion they had decided to meet at the restaurant of the hotel he was staying in. It was close enough that she could come home if she felt the need, but not so close that it was an easy escape if for some reason she lost her nerve to go through with meeting him. She pushed the thought of running scared out of her mind as she stared at herself in the full-length mirror. There were clothes strewn all over her bed, and beauty products littering the bathroom counter. In the end she had decided on her usual uniform. Jeans and a graphic t-shirt depicting one of her many fandoms. No reason to play dress up. This was her. He'd have to deal with it. Traffic was lighter than she expected. She pulled up to the valet station at the Sheraton Downtown Los Angeles half an hour earlier than she planned to. The restaurant was quiet, only two or three tables had people sitting at them. The maitre'd sat her at a table that looked out onto the garden courtyard. She wondered, briefly, if it was too romantic. A waiter came by and asked if she wanted anything. She ordered a water. Her phone stared at her from the table. She sent him a text. Got to hotel faster than I expected. You would think that living in Los Angeles my whole life I'd have a grip on how traffic works. Apparently not. Don't panic. Just wanted you to know I was here, and at a table. Do not rush. For a few minutes there was no answer. She went through all the stages of worry. He wasn't going to show up. He was never going to speak to her again. She quieted her thoughts. It was her own fault she was early. After a few more minutes her text alert sounded. Finishing up meeting. I'm about six blocks away. Will be there as soon as I can. Don't get drunk. She laughed out loud. She hadn't considered doing that. Drinking herself out of the anxiety she was feeling. She wasn't one to lose herself in chemically induced dullness. She lifted her water glass and took a swig of the plain liquid. She'd deal with her emotions on her own. She only had to wait thirty more minutes. Which was long enough for the waiter to have been by to fill her water glass twice, but not long enough for him to start looking at her with pity, as if she had been stood up. She mentioned she was early, when he first came by to ask her if she wanted anything. His face lit up when he saw her. That was a good sign. And he didn't slow down as he made his way to the table. Another positive. He smiled at her, his real, full smile. It made her stand up and hug him. She had not realized she was holding on to so many emotions. Tears threatened to fall behind her eyes but she pushed them back. They held on to each other tight. Neither of them seemed to want to let go. She finally loosened her grip on him when she saw the waiter approaching. He followed suit and they took their seats just as their server reached their table. She noticed him glance to see what she was drinking before ordering something for himself. It was nice to see that if she was not going to drink, neither would he. As he ordered his water she noticed that he was wearing a nice white button up shirt with black slacks. She wondered if he had run here, gone to his room, removed his tie and jacket and then met her in the restaurant. Then she remembered she was in jeans and a t-shirt. She felt underdressed. She realized that she had gone way past overthinking. The server had left them and Ellis was watching her with curiosity. "Where'd you go?" he asked. She blushed. "Wonderland," she answered quickly, gauging his reaction. He smiled. "Was noticing what you were wearing. Felt guilty for not trying harder." She looked down at herself. "You look good. And I just came from a meeting. I would have changed but I didn't want you to wait much longer. I was afraid you'd leave," he admitted. She shook her head. Their server brought water and recited the specials before leaving them to decide what they wanted. Food. Was she going to be able to eat in front of him? It was an issue she struggled with. Eating and nerves did not mix well. She decided to try to eat. At least it would give her something to do if they ran out of conversation. Their food ordered and their water glasses full, they were once again alone at the table. "How was your day?" she asked him. A nice, safe question. "Good, clients were really receptive. You?" "Working on the third draft of the proposal form hell. Client has no idea that it is nearly impossible to make his product sound exciting. No matter how many flowery words he wants me to add in." "Annoying," he agreed. "Have you ever been to the movie theater here?" "No, only time I come this way is when I go to hockey games," she told him. "Kings play right over there," she pointed in the direction she hoped the Staples Center was in. "I am going to take my time looking more closely, later, but I like the ink," he changed the subject. "Very artful," he added. She blushed again. She took a sip of water to stop her tongue from saying the words that formed in her mind. She hoped her eyes told him everything he needed to know. That she was looking forward to that moment. Their food arrived just in time. They ate in virtual silence. There was a comment or two about how good the food was, and one attempt at small talk, but otherwise they just ate. It was comfortable. Natural. She realized she had not eaten anything that day and was more hungry that she had expected. She finished her entire meal. The server was back as soon as they both put their utensils down. The usual question was posed. Dessert? She was suddenly very ready to be somewhere other than the restaurant. "No thanks." He declined too. The server set their bill on the table and Ellis reached for it quickly, signing his name and room number to it. He stood up and held out his hand. She wrapped her fingers around his and let him lead her out. He paused in the lobby, causing her to bump into him. "You want to go home, or did you have somewhere else in mind?" She knew what he meant. Are we going to my room? It gave her a sense of safety, and solace, that he asked before just heading straight to the elevator. He was being assertive, but not overbearing. "I was hoping you'd show me your room," she answered in a voice that surprised even herself. That was the answer he was looking for. She thought he was going to break out in a run, pulling her with him. The elevator ride to the fifteenth floor seemed to take much longer than was necessary. Despite the restaurant and lobby being virtually empty, there were a handful of people in need of getting to other floors all of a sudden. And they had all piled into their space. She laughed at her own impatience. He squeezed her hand, still wrapped around his. She wondered if he was thinking the same thing. He released her hand to reach in his pocket and take out the key card for the door. She heard the click to indicate it had been unlocked. Her heart raced with anticipation. They stepped into the hallway of a typical hotel room. When they passed the bathroom she realized she had to pee and stopped. "What's wrong?" he was worried. "Nothing, just realized how much water I drank, be right back," she smiled to assure him she was not chickening out. The bathroom was cold and white, as expected. She flipped the stark fluorescent light on and tried not to look in the giant mirror over the sink. After relieving her bladder she did take a quick glance to make sure there was no food in her teeth while she washed her hands. Her cheeks were flushed. Her eyes wide. She reached into her bag and took out a disposable toothbrush kit. She tried to take her time, but not too much of it. One last glance and she was ready for what she knew was waiting for her. He was sitting at the small desk typing on his laptop. He looked up at her and smiled. "My turn," he said, closing his laptop and standing up. He brushed her arm with his fingers as he walked by her. "Make yourself at home," he said before closing the bathroom door. She thought about lounging across the bed, but decided to sit at the edge of it instead. It was silly to avoid it altogether. They were alone in a hotel room. The bed was exactly what they were there for. When he returned his shirt was untucked and the top two buttons were undone. She watched him walk slowly toward her. As soon as he was at the edge of the bed standing in front of her she sat up straighter. He leaned forward and let his lips trail against her jawline, down to her neck. His fingers wrapped around the hem of her shirt. But instead of pulling it over her head, he slipped his hands under it and ran them over her skin. His hands were soft, strong, warm. The contact made everything inside her come to life. His tongue was tracing her neck and shoulders. She ran her fingers through his hair, moaning softly, encouraging him to keep going. He nibbled her left earlobe, sending chills down her spine and making her grasp his thick hair with more force. She used her grip to guide his face upward, until she was able to kiss him, on the mouth, with a force that nearly took the breath out of both of them. They explored each other's mouths with their tongues, and he continued to let his hands move farther up her torso until they were resting on her breasts. As they kissed they moved, in unison, to the middle of the bed, so that by the time she had let go of his hair and let her hands explore his back, sides and ass, he was laying on top of her. She could feel his hard dick against her thigh. She smiled against his neck, which she had been kissing and tracing with her lips and tongue. He pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it aside. One hand caressed her breast as he tried to hold most of his weight on the other. She went to work unbuttoning his shirt, which proved to be a challenge, making them both giggle. He sat up and took over the task of removing it. After his shirt made its way onto the floor with hers, he went to work unbuttoning her jeans and pulling them over her hips. His fingers traced her skin in the places she had tattooed. She knew he was being deliberate about it. He had not been happy about her new penchant for ink in their past relationship. She pushed that out of her mind. The past. This was a far cry from those days. He made quick work of his slacks, and he was once again laying against her. She pressed her hips against his as they kissed intensely, sensually, needy. She trailed her fingers down his back, feeling him shudder against her. When she got to the waistband of his briefs she paused, and went over them, grabbing his ass and pulling him further against her. His hands were exploring every part of her. Thighs, stomach, breasts. He reached behind her and with more deftness than she thought he would have, unhooked her bra. He pulled down on the straps and removed it, tossing it aside with their other discarded clothing. His hands kneaded into her gently. She encouraged him, pushing herself up to meet his touch, moaning her approval. Delete Contact? He was taking his time, but she was glad for it. She wanted to savor this. To feel every moment of it. His hands trailed slowly down her sides until he reached the lace band on her panties. His fingers slipped under the elastic, brushing against her skin, sending goosebumps all over her body. His fingers made their way further down, grazing her clitoris and stopping just at the opening of her vagina. She grasped his arm and raised her hips to meet his touch. Satisfied that she was ready for him, he removed her panties, and then his own briefs. He was just as ready. Rock hard, and standing at attention. "You're still on the pill?" She nodded, yes. "Do you want me to use a condom too?" he tried to make the questions seem sexy. She smiled at his effort, and shook her head no. She knew him enough to feel they were safe without it. He returned her smile and let the head of his penis graze against the outside of her vagina. She pulled against his hips, letting him know she wanted him inside her. Now. They fit together perfectly. He was not so big that it hurt, or so small she couldn't feel him. He was just right. Their bodies moved in unison, their moans and groans mimicking each others. He hit every spot she had ever known, and some that she had no idea existed. He kissed her lips, chin, and neck as he slowly slid in and out of her. His pace picked up as he as he began to reach his climax. She tightened her grasp on his arms to let him know she was close too. She could feel everything inside her begin to explode, and with one final moan she let herself go. He was close behind, a deep grunt letting her know he had come inside her. They breathed against each other, sweaty skin stuck together, bodies intertwined in a mess of arms and legs. They made no attempt to detach themselves. She felt his breathing steady. He adjusted slightly, so that his face could reach hers. He pressed his lips gently against hers and laid his head back against her chest. "Goodnight."