9 comments/ 23868 views/ 4 favorites Christy's Choice By: rachlou The following story is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to living persons is purely coincidental and the author accepts no responsibility for offence caused. * * * "Can I have a pint of Guinness, love?" The old guy dropped a pile of small change on the bar with a clatter. I grabbed a clean glass from the shelf and began to pull his beer from the pump while he sniffed and stared briefly at my chest with a wistful expression in his rheumy eyes. Dan caught my eye as he glanced up from the footy pages of the local paper. He grinned with amusement as he watched my customer patiently count out every last penny from his collection of coppers. I smiled back and rolled my eyes skywards. This guy had to have spent months saving these coins. The entrance door swung open, distracting me, and my smile froze when a man walked in dripping raindrops on to the stone floor. Dan raised his head from the newspaper. He must have noticed the strange expression on my face for he looked at me quizzically, but the muted conversations and music from the jukebox had faded and I was being catapulted back into another time and place... * * * Even before the words had registered in my brain, I felt the pain hitting me like a vicious blast of frigid rain. "I'm sorry," Steve had said as he turned to face me. "I know we talked about it, but I just can't do that to my kids. It would hurt them too much." He had shrugged helplessly, unable to look me in the eye. Instead had he stared at the ground and traced a circle in the dirt with the toe of his shoe. I stared at him silently. It wasn't like he had ever really promised me anything, but that hadn't stopped me dreaming of a happy ever after; just like in the films. "They're old enough to deal with it," I implored, still believing I could reason with him. "Kids are tough -- as long as the split is amicable, they'll be fine." He just looked at me sadly and I knew then that he had never wanted the same things as me. Three years of my life crumbled into dust as I watched the sky darken beyond the line of trees. An ominous rumble of thunder hinted at the rain to come and I suddenly remembered the washing I had left pegged out on my washing line. Not that that mattered. Nothing mattered any more. My life was officially over as far as I was concerned. * * * "Why are you here?" I asked flatly as the memory faded and I found Steve staring at me across the bar. "I heard you were working here and I wanted to see you." Out of the corner of my eye I saw Dan with his head buried in the paper again and I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't want any hassle. Returning my attention to the man who had ripped my life apart two years ago, I crossed my arms across my chest defensively. "Now you've seen me, perhaps you can piss off again," I hissed. Then I glared at him defiantly as I tried to quell the riot of emotions running through my head. He was the last person I had expected to see again. Millions of times I had fantasised about meeting him unexpectedly. The different scenarios had played through my head in glorious Technicolor as I imagined him begging me for another chance while I disdainfully explained that I had met someone else and he, Steve, meant nothing to me any more. In my dreams he would be crushed and heartbroken; devastated to hear that it was too late for him and me. Unfortunately, the reality turned out to be a whole lot more complicated. Despite my pretence at hostility, I was actually feeling incredibly confused and conflicted. Seeing Steve again had resurrected all of the old pain and hurt. I had mistakenly believed that I was over him -- now he was within touching distance, I was not so sure. "I'm sorry," he said in a voice so low I barely heard it above the sudden clatter of coins spewing from the fruit machine. We both turned briefly to see a youth eagerly scooping up his jackpot win. Clearly he had more luck than I did. "Sorry for what?" I asked Steve eventually. "Sorry for hurting me? Sorry for using me? Or just sorry that I don't want you anymore?" He looked sad. "Sorry for everything, I guess," he sighed. My anger evaporated into thin air. I had spent too long hating him and I was tired of it. "I'm sorry too," I replied in a dead voice. I could see Dan looking over at me again with a funny expression and I knew he must be wondering who this man was. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Dan -- he didn't deserve that. "I can see this was a mistake," Steve sighed. "I'll go now." He stepped away from the bar and glanced outside at the pouring rain. It was obvious that he didn't want to leave, but we really had nothing left to say anymore. I was just about to turn my back on him when his final parting words sent me into a tailspin. "Elaine and I aren't together anymore," he said. "I did it eventually," he added with a wry smile. Without waiting for me to reply, he walked out of the bar and disappeared into the drizzling rain. I caught a glimpse of a black car pulling away from the kerb, and then he was gone, out of my life once again. Suddenly I wasn't too sure how I felt about that. * * * It was late by the time my boss allowed me to go home. There were a couple of hardened regulars finishing their drinks as I gave the bar one final wipe down. "See you on Tuesday," I said to Pete. He nodded briefly before returning his attention to cashing up the till for the night. Dan was waiting for me outside and I climbed into his car silently, still thinking about Steve and what he had said to me earlier. I stared vacantly out of the window as Dan drove me home through the dark, wet streets, occasionally glancing at me. "Everything okay?" he asked eventually when I continued to say nothing. "Yeah," I replied. It wasn't okay, but I wasn't ready to tell Dan about Steve. It was complicated and until I got a handle on how I felt about everything, I needed time. Dan said nothing more. I knew he didn't believe me, but I was too wrapped up in my memories to give him much consideration. * * * I had known Steve was with somebody else when we met, but alcohol has a remarkable way of blurring the boundaries between right and wrong. If I had been sober, I would have walked away and dismissed my attraction to Steve as exciting, but too dangerous to consider pursuing. As it was, I had drunk more than enough to quell my inhibitions. I was high that night on a combination of relief following the end of an unsatisfactory relationship, and excitement that my life was about to take off for pastures new. When Steve caught my eye, I jumped feet first into something I should have given myself time to consider the implications of. "All alone?" I had asked teasingly as we found ourselves outside whilst the party continued to rage on inside. "The music was giving me a headache," he said wryly as he lit a cigarette. "Plus I needed my nicotine fix. Want one?" He offered me the pack, but I shook my head. "No, I don't smoke," I replied. "Disgusting habit," I added with a grimace. "I know," Steve grinned, "but I'm trying to quit." He took a long drag on the cigarette and we both began, by unspoken agreement, to walk away from the house and down the path that led through the garden. The night air was chilly and I felt my skin begin to goose bump. The thin dress I was wearing gave me scant protection from the cold, but I didn't really care all that much. The sense of danger I felt being out here with this man was more than enough to distract me from any discomfort. When my heel caught a gap in the stone flags, I stumbled. For a second I thought I was going to fall, but then a hand caught my arm and steadied me. "Careful," Steve said, "it would be a premature end to the evening if you sprained your ankle out here." He slid an arm around my waist and I felt a warm buzz of adrenaline at the contact. It had been a while since I had enjoyed any real intimacy and some physical contact was long overdue. We walked a little further until the tall trees and shrubs blocked the bright lights from the house. High above us, a silver moon shone down, painting the garden in a pale, mysterious glow. It was beautiful, but I was oblivious; I only had eyes for Steve. "You shouldn't be out here with me," I commented as we stopped beside the gazebo, his arm still around my waist. "Oh, why's that?" he replied, amusement evident in his voice. "Because people will talk," I said huskily. "Do you have a bad reputation?" "No!" "Then I'm safe." I could see him smiling at me in the dim light and my stomach lurched. "What about your wife? Won't she wonder where you've gone?" He laughed caustically. "Oh I doubt that." From the way he said it, I had to wonder what kind of relationship they had, but really it was none of my business. I had seen his wife briefly a few times, but I didn't know much about either of them apart from what I had gleaned from asking around earlier. "I take it she's not the jealous type?" I asked mischievously, taking a step closer and sliding my arms around his neck. "Only when it suits her," he said. "But I don't want to talk about her, let's talk about you instead." I pressed my body against his and looked up at him. "How about we don't talk at all?" I whispered before doing what I had wanted to do all evening. Our lips touched and I felt him hesitate for a microsecond, before he crushed me against his chest and kissed me back forcefully. Instantly the heat within my body became an inferno and I forgot everything, but the feel of him kissing me. The sound of a voice calling through the darkness eventually penetrated my brain and I felt him pull away. "Steve!" "Shit," he muttered. Before I could say a word, he was gone, a dark shadow hurrying up the path towards the house. I was left on my own feeling slightly disoriented. The sexual fugue began to dissipate and I realised that I was freezing out here in the garden. It didn't stop me wanting Steve though. Oh no. * * * Dan was already in bed by the time I climbed beneath the duvet. He turned to face me in the darkness and I allowed him to pull me into his arms as he always did. His familiar scent pushed the images that had been tormenting me all evening firmly out of my head and I slowly relaxed. My leg slipped between his thighs and I snuggled closer as I listened to his heart beating steadily. I didn't want to spoil what I had found with Dan. He had been good to me and despite the fact I had been an emotional mess when we first met, he had taken it all in his stride and we were happy now. His fingers traced a pattern on the small of my back and I instinctively nudged closer to him, enjoying the way his teasing touch was sending small shivers along my spine. I was tired after my long shift, but part of me sought to use sex as a way of blocking out any difficult soul searching. I had spent too long analysing everything that had happened with Steve and I had no desire to rehash it all over again. I nuzzled Dan's neck and slid my hand down across his hip. I felt his erection against my belly and I knew that it wouldn't take much encouragement from me to initiate sex. "I thought you were tired," he said as I grabbed hold of his hard cock and squeezed it. I didn't reply; words were not what I wanted right now. Instead I tilted my face up and kissed Dan, effectively putting a stop to the conversation before it had begun. He opened his mouth and allowed my tongue to gain entry. As the kiss deepened, I pushed him on to his back and moved astride his body. With his arms holding me tightly, I felt cocooned in a warm bubble -- nothing could reach me now; I was safe. His hands caressed the sweep of my bottom and I moaned softly against his mouth as desire overrode the confusing morass of memories in my head. My body ached with a need to be filled and I shifted to allow Dan's cock to push inside me. He grabbed my hips and jerked upwards, gasping as I tightly clutched him with my inner muscles. Sitting up slightly, I watched him as I began to move rhythmically. Dan made no effort to help me -- he was happy to let me take charge for once. Instead, he moved his hands up my body until he reached the gentle swell of my breasts. I moaned encouragingly and he pinched my nipples in the way he knew I liked. I was so close now I could almost taste it. My eyes drifted shut as I allowed the familiar sensations to build inside me. The duvet had fallen off, but despite the cool air of my bedroom, I was burning up. A light sheen of moisture gleamed across my body as I quickened my pace, pushing us both towards an inevitable conclusion. When it finally happened, I threw my head back and surrendered to the pleasure that crashed over me. I eventually fell forward on to Dan's chest and I felt him roll me over until he was on top, driving in to me with a force he didn't normally display. He tensed up as he came and I felt the heat bloom high within me. Rolling off me, he pulled me against his sweating body as our combined fluids seeped out on to the sheet. Eventually he moved and pulled the duvet back up to cover us both. I felt sleep claiming me as he whispered in my ear. "Christy, we need to talk..." "Mmm," I mumbled, but I was already drifting off into blackness, my body tired from our lovemaking and my head numb from the shock of seeing Steve again. I faintly heard him say something else, but I was too gone to reply. * * * I examined the streaky glass with irritation before I placed it back on the shelf above the bar. It always annoyed me when the glasses came out of the washer with marks on them, but there was nothing I could do about it. Most of the time, customers didn't care, but occasionally an especially picky one would demand a clean glass. My shift was quiet tonight. A funeral had taken place in the village and most of the regulars had gone to pay their respects to the deceased. The fact that the old guy had finally succumbed to alcoholism related illness was an irony not entirely lost on me, but it wasn't my place to judge. I was only here to serve the drinks and provide some eye candy for grizzled old farmers. Or so Dan liked to tease me. I smiled when I thought about him. He was good to me in so many ways and I knew I'd be a fool to risk losing him. He was away for the next couple of days on a work related course and I was missing him already. My shifts in the pub dragged when he wasn't there to amuse me during the quiet spells. The door opened and a cold chill blasted in from outside. Part of me wasn't all that surprised when I saw Steve walking in for the second time in a week. It had been too much to hope for that he might have left me alone. He just wasn't that kind of bloke. "Is there some law that says I can't drink in here?" he asked sweetly when he caught my hostile glare. "No, but I don't have to serve you," I said nastily. Then I noticed Pete, the landlord, frowning at me from his stool at the end of the bar, and I relented. I didn't particularly want to lose my job -- Steve really wasn't worth it. "Ok, what do you want," I asked wearily. "A pint of lager, please," he replied as he sat down in front of me. I poured the lager, deliberately allowing it to slop over the edge of the glass carelessly. I knew I was being childish, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. Steve handed me a ten-pound note and I rang the transaction through the till before tossing his change back at him with a scowl. I couldn't believe he had had the nerve to come back and harass me when I had made it blatantly clear on his last visit that I wasn't interested. But for the next two hours, he sat at the bar and watched me work. I tried so hard to ignore his presence that I almost developed a crick in my neck from turning away from him each time I walked up and down. God I hated him for doing this to me. He was evil. It was almost a relief when he finally gathered up his coat and left without a backwards glance. Almost. Part of me experienced a slight twinge that he hadn't tried to talk to me at all, even though I was aware that I hadn't exactly given him the opportunity. By the time I walked outside into the pub car park at the end of my shift, I was tired and pissed off with myself. I headed for my car with a depressing sense that everything was about to blow up in my face and my hard won happiness was shortly going to vanish. The sight of Steve waiting for me did nothing to quell the sense of impending doom that hung over me like a noxious cloud. "I really need to talk to you," he said as he watched my reaction carefully. "If I scream loudly, Pete will come running out here with his baseball bat," I warned Steve. "He's a total psycho with several convictions for grievous bodily harm," I added. It was a bald faced lie, but I was counting on the fact that Steve wouldn't know that. "Really?" Steve looked unconvinced; hardly surprising when Pete was a short, skinny guy with great taste in woolly sweaters. "Yes, really. Now fuck off and leave me alone." I turned my back on him and unlocked my car "Come on, Christy, gimme a break!" I heard the exasperation in his voice and I smiled despite my annoyance at the way he was trying to inveigle his way back into my life. "Why?" I snapped, turning back to face him, "I owe you nothing, Steve." Steve rubbed his temple, something he had always done under when under pressure. "Look, I know I fucked up, but I want you to give me a second chance." He looked at me hopefully and I felt something unexpected stir deep inside me. "We were good together," he added. "You know that much is true." I did know that. On so many levels we had been perfect for each other. That was why it had been so painful to walk away from him at the end. "Yes, we were," I conceded reluctantly and I saw the look of triumph flicker across his face. "But the fact is, you made a choice and that choice wasn't me." I couldn't prevent the bitterness from creeping into my voice and I knew that he heard it. "I had no choice at the time," he said quietly. "You knew how it was -- I never lied to you." "Didn't you?" I asked harshly. "How about all the times we made love and you held me afterwards - was that not telling me something? Or was I supposed to think that it was all just a quick fuck?" "It was never just sex." "No, it wasn't - which was why I thought we had a future until you put me straight on a few things." "I wanted those things too," he said softly. "But the timing was all wrong." "No, Steve, it wasn't about the timing -- it was about you being too weak to make a choice." He didn't deny it. We both knew I was right. "I found out I was pregnant after we split," I blurted. The words tumbled out before I had a chance to stop them and I felt the agony rip through me all over again. For a second I thought he hadn't heard me, but then he grabbed my arm. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked in shock. He looked like the stuffing had been knocked out of him completely and I experienced a sense of satisfaction that finally he might begin to understand just how much he'd hurt me. "Because there was no point." "But what happened...?" He looked at me, clearly trying to think through all the possible scenarios. "What happened was that I had a late miscarriage and nearly died from complications." It had been the worst time of my life and what had made it infinitely more unbearable was that he hadn't been there for me. Not that he ever had been there for me in any real sense. "Oh God, Christy, I wish I'd known," he said as he stepped forward and pulled me into his arms. I began to cry as the emotional impact of it all overwhelmed me. Christy's Choice Even as the tears fell, I knew I should be walking away, but I just...couldn't. * * * "Thanks," I said flatly as Dan gave me the flowers with a smile. "What's wrong?" he said in surprise, clearly deflated at my lack of reaction. "Nothing," I shrugged, as I turned away and fiddled with a pile of bills sitting beside the microwave. "I think I'm coming down with something, I feel lousy." Actually I felt an absolute bitch, but my head was a mess and I didn't know which way to turn. Since our conversation two nights ago, Steve had been on my mind constantly. I had begun to question everything I had done since we split up. As much as I knew I had been right to leave him, I couldn't help but wonder if things might have been different if he'd known about the pregnancy. Part of me clung on to the idea that it might have proved to be the catalyst that ended his marriage. Maybe if I had told him, we would be together now and I wouldn't have lost the baby... There were many 'what ifs' whirling about in my tortured mind, none of which made a whole lot of sense when they were examined in the cold light of rationality, but at 3:00am, they made tonnes of sense. "Did you miss me?" Dan asked huskily as he walked up behind me and moulded his body to mine. "Course I did," I replied reluctantly, steeling myself not to pull away. It wasn't as if I had stopped caring for him -- I hadn't. I was just confused about my feelings for Steve and I needed some space. Dan gave up. He could see I wasn't in the mood for anything so he grabbed his keys and said he was going back to his flat to do some washing. Once he had left, I sat at the kitchen table with my head in my hands and wondered, not for the first time, what in the hell I was doing. * * * When I arrived at the pub at seven, there was a note behind the bar waiting for me. It was from Steve and it said he was taking me out for a drink when I finished at ten. Inwardly I bristled with annoyance. How dare he assume that was what I wanted! He hadn't even asked if it was convenient -- he had just blithely made plans without consulting me. As it happened, Dan had already texted me to say he would be staying at home tonight since he was tired and he had some work to do. I had been relieved since it meant I didn't have to deal with anything and I had replied to say that that was fine, I'd see him over the weekend. Now that it appeared Steve was planning on turning up to meet me, I was torn. I knew I really ought to tell him to 'fuck off' once and for all, but I also knew that that wasn't going to happen. Following my outburst the other night, something had shifted and I recognised we had unfinished business. I just had to see where this madness took me. The next three hours passed incredibly slowly. Whilst the pub was busy, I found it difficult to concentrate, as my head was someplace else for the vast majority of the time. "I asked for a pint love, not a half," a customer complained as I distractedly handed him his drink. "Oh, sorry," I apologised sheepishly, quickly removing the glass, pouring the drink into a pint glass, and topping it up. I could see Pete frowning at me and I knew that if I wasn't careful he would say something. Silently, I willed myself to focus on the job in hand, but by the time the clock reached ten, I was a bag of nerves. "You can go now," Pete said as he saw me looking at the time yet again. "Preferably before you make any more cock-ups," he added dryly. "Yeah, sorry 'bout that," I said with an apologetic grin. "Women's troubles," I explained, clutching my stomach for added effect. As anticipated, this sent Pete scurrying away with a look of abject horror on his craggy face. At least now I knew he wouldn't hassle me about the till being wrong. Grabbing my jacket and car keys, I headed outside into the darkness of the car park, wondering if Steve would actually show. My belly was in knots when I saw him leaning against my car nonchalantly. It annoyed me, but I had to admit, I still found him attractive despite the tinge of grey in his dark hair. "You're an arrogant bastard," I threw at him when I saw his faint smile. "What makes think I'm free to see you?" "You're here aren't you?" "My car's parked here, so I don't have much choice!" I was on the verge of losing my temper and I tried to make a conscious effort to calm down. There was no point in having a screaming row with Steve here in the car park as that wouldn't help resolve anything. No, he was right, we did need to talk about stuff, if only to help me get my head straight. "Look, Christy," he said exasperatedly, "I'm not trying to piss you off, I just want to talk to you properly. Please can we call a temporary truce?" I took a few deep breaths and thought about it. "Yeah, you're right," I replied in a resigned voice. "But we'll have to go somewhere away from here. I wouldn't want Dan to hear about this." Steve didn't pass comment on my mention of Dan. "Let's go in my car, then," he offered. "I know a nice pub beside the river about ten miles from here. It stays open after hours, so we'll get a couple of drinks in without any problem." I shrugged. "Sure, whatever," I said as I walked over to the black BMW he pointed towards. "Nice car," I commented, admiring the sleek lines. "New job," he explained with a slightly smug look. I was plagued with a sense of uncertainty as we drove away and left my car behind in the car park. I just hoped I wasn't making the biggest mistake of my life in giving Steve this chance. Only time would tell. * * * I took a seat in a dark corner, hoping that nobody who knew Dan would inadvertently walk in and see me with Steve, although it was unlikely since the Pub Steve had chosen was well and truly in the middle of nowhere. Thick, whitewashed walls were adorned with various old photos and memorabilia, whilst a huge fire blazed in the fireplace and an assortment of grizzled locals sat about drinking and talking quietly. When Steve returned from the bar, he placed a vodka, lime & soda in front of me and sat down with his beer. "You remembered what I drink," I commented with surprise. "Of course. I remember everything you like," he said as he sipped his pint. The statement was loaded with meaning and I looked away immediately, examining a picture of a local football team with enormous interest. "So...who's Dan?" Steve asked as he watched me fiddle restlessly with my hair. "My boyfriend -- not that it's any of your business," I said before taking a huge gulp of my drink. The vodka slid down like velvet and I wished I didn't have to drive home later. Getting pissed suddenly seemed an attractive option. "Is it serious?" I glanced at him and noticed the tight expression on his face. It clearly bothered him that I was with somebody else, but since he had no claim over me anymore, it was tough shit really. "Yes, I think so." "You THINK so?" Now that annoyed me. How dare he cast aspersions on my feelings for Dan! I firmly squashed the niggling thought that Dan would be horrified if he knew I was here with Steve. "My relationship with Dan is none of your fucking business," I growled. "Yeah, you're right," he shrugged. Steve's sudden change of tack threw me completely and I felt my irritation vanish instantly - which was dangerous. While I was angry with him, I was safe from my own feelings. As soon as the anger disappeared, I was left wondering what exactly I DID feel for him. "Why didn't you tell me?" Steve asked abruptly, interrupting my thoughts with a jolt. I knew what he was asking of course. It was the whole point I was here. "It took me a while to realise, what with all the upset and everything," I said quietly. In fact I had been three months gone before I had even suspected anything was wrong. All the symptoms had been there, but I had mostly attributed them to stress and working long hours. The last thing I expected to be was pregnant. "I still had a right to know," he said reproachfully. "But what would have been the point? You had no intention of leaving her and I'd have been on my own irrespective of you knowing!" He looked away, unwilling to admit I was right. "That's not fair," he said, "I don't know what I would have done." "Well none of that matters 'cause I lost it anyway." To my surprise, he reached out and took my hand in his own, holding it tightly. I felt the warmth of his touch and I closed my eyes for a moment, thinking back to what had happened that awful night. * * * The other car had come from nowhere. Its headlights had temporarily blinded me as it careered around the bend on the narrow lane. Even before the car collided with mine, I had known what would happen. It was like time had slowed down to a crawl with every second stretched out into what felt like hours of my life. With a sense of helplessness, I felt the impact ricochet through my body as the door beside me crumpled like tissue paper. My car spun across the greasy tarmac, heading for a tree that loomed out of the inky blackness. Twisted branches formed malevolent shapes in the glare from my lights and I was vaguely aware of somebody screaming. Only belatedly did I realise that it was me. When I came too, I was being gently lifted from the wreckage of my car. Voices registered on the periphery of my awareness, but it took a while before I understood that they were talking about me. "She's bleeding heavily," a gruff voice said. "Have you rung ahead?" "Thirty minutes I told them -- they'll be waiting." Sounds and lights bombarded me, but it was strange: I felt nothing. No pain or fear. My body was numb and it was as if I was floating high above. When I looked down, I could see the bright, flashing blue lights and lots of fluorescent coats moving around. People scurried about like ants and I watched them curiously as a chill began to seep through my blood like ice. "Blood pressure's dropping!" Darkness descended like a thick fog and I began to drift away into the cold blackness, thoughts and memories tumbling across my vision like a kaleidoscope. Images of Steve filled my head and it was then that I remembered. The baby...the baby! For the first time since the impact, a deep pain seared through me, unrelenting in its vicelike grip. Vicious cramps ripped me apart and I felt sticky wetness coat my thighs with oily residue. Somebody spoke to me, but their words made no sense amidst the agony of my loss. I felt something cold creep up my arm and everything faded to grey nothingness. * * * Hearing my own dispassionate description of the accident was like listening to a news report on the television. It didn't touch me in any real sense; it was as if it had happened to somebody else and I was merely narrating a script. I finished talking and drank the rest of my drink in one gulp. "The doctors said I should still be able to have kids," I added in a dead voice, "so I guess I'm lucky really." Not that I felt lucky. More like cursed. Steve had barely said a word throughout my monologue. When I finally twisted my body to look at him, I was shocked to see the raw emotion on his face. I hadn't expected that. "Christy," he said in a broken voice, "I never knew..." "It was in the local paper," I commented with a shrug. "You could have died," he said hollowly. "A part of me did die." My voice cracked slightly. "No, a part of us," he corrected me. That did it. My defences were breached and tears began to slide down my cheeks. Everything I had blocked out in the last two years, bubbled up to the surface in a toxic stream. Steven held me as I sobbed against his neck, soaking the shirt he was wearing with my salty tears. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't. My body shook with the force of my emotions and I felt powerless; cast adrift on a storm ravaged sea, helpless. Fingers stroked my neck soothingly and gradually the body wrenching sobs abated. A strange kind of calm acceptance washed over me and I was almost sleepy. It was like a clear sky following the storm. All the debris had been washed away and my soul felt renewed. "I should have been there," Steven whispered against my hair. I heard the guilt, but there was nothing I could say in his defence. There was no point in casting blame. The past needed to remain there. "It doesn't matter now," I replied as I cautiously lifted my head from his neck. My eyes felt swollen and sore from all the crying. God only knew what I looked like. "Can you forgive me?" he asked. My heart twisted in my chest and I knew I had to give him another chance to redeem himself. There was too much between us to ignore. Despite everything that had happened, part of me still loved him. It wasn't necessarily right, but I had to give it a go. "Yes," I breathed. He smiled as he cupped my chin and kissed my lips gently. In that tender moment I was lost. * * * When we took a different route back and ended up outside my flat, I wasn't all that surprised. "What about my car -- it's still at the pub?" I asked as Steve turned his engine off. "You're in no fit state to drive," he said firmly. Since I knew he was right, I didn't bother arguing. I had drunk more than was legal for driving and my head was still all over the place. Tonight had been an emotional rollercoaster and I was still reeling from the effects. I grabbed my bag and headed for the front door. Somehow I knew Steve would follow me. The attraction between us was still there, simmering beneath the surface like the smouldering embers of a fire; it wouldn't take much to reignite the inferno. "Do you want me to go?" Steve asked as I stood uncertainly in the darkness of my hallway. "No," I admitted - I didn't want to be alone. I knew I could have called Dan, but he seemed so far away now, so distant in many ways. Steve and I had forged a connection tonight -- a connection borne of mutual loss and regret. It was a powerful bond and I knew that Dan would never be able to share this with me. Steve took my hand and we walked up the narrow stairs to my bedroom in silence. The house was cold and I quickly stripped off my clothes in the faint light that seeped through my blind before jumping beneath the duvet. My eyes remained carefully averted from Steve as he did the same. Part of me knew what could happen, but naively I chose to pretend I was stronger than that. I wanted comfort, not sex. Or at least that was what I told myself. Steve reached for me, pulling me against his shoulder, and I was surprised to note how familiar this simple gesture felt. It was as if the last two years had been erased from time and we had never been apart at all. His body hadn't changed much, if anything it was leaner and more muscular. Comforted by the sold familiarity of him, I slowly relaxed beside him. Idly, my fingers traced small circles in the light sprinkling of hair on his chest. His hand began to stroke my shoulder and I sighed, shifting closer. I could hear his heart thudding rhythmically and I allowed it to lull me into an almost catatonic state. Then his hand drifted down my arm and began to stroke my hip. I sensed the subtle change in atmosphere and I stirred against his side restlessly. My pulse quickened and i allowed my own roaming fingers to drift in an ever wider circle. When I fleetingly touched the skin of his lower stomach, I felt the tension in his muscles and part of me knew then what was about to happen. It was inevitable. If I had felt nothing for him, I would never have allowed him back into my life, let alone my bed - he had won yet again. Abruptly he moved until he was on his side, facing me in the darkness. His hand rested lightly on my hip. This was the moment where I had a choice. I could tell him that nothing would happen between us and I knew he would honour that decision. But I couldn't. The words stubbornly refused to form in my mouth and instead I stayed silent. When no resistance was forthcoming from me, Steve's fingers began to move up my rib cage. I held my breath, aware of what was going to happen and almost screaming with the anticipation. Although he wasn't pressing against me, I knew he was hard. I felt the tension in the way he was making a huge effort to restrain himself and not push me too fast. I hissed when his fingers brushed across the side of my breast. My nipples were hard and aching, eager for his touch, but he seemed intent on exploring my body at a leisurely pace. Instinctively I began to roll my hips towards him, seeking more than what he was giving me, but he refused to do anything more than slow, feathery light caresses along my side. "You've not changed a bit," he said with amusement as I began to writhe with frustration. "Nor have you," I muttered, remembering how he loved to tease me to the point of madness. "I can go, if you want me to..." His voice was serious even as his fingers paused on my thigh. "No, I want you to stay," I replied. I reached down and grasped his hand, firmly pulling it back up my body until it rested on my breast. Then I sighed with pleasure as he cupped my aching flesh. He pulled me hard against his body and I felt his hardness. It was empowering to know that, despite the passage of time, I still had the same effect on him. That made us equal since his effect on me had in no way diminished either in the last two years. Our bodies melded together and his lips found mine. The softness of our earlier kiss was gone; replaced with an intensity fuelled by emotion and loss. A small part of me still protested faintly, but that dark thought was crushed beneath the weight of my overwhelming desire. Steve rolled onto his back, dragging me with him until I was lying astride his body. I felt the tip of his cock nudging against my pussy, but I was in no hurry to cement our renewed relationship. I wanted to take my time and savour the pleasure. As if sensing my desire to slow things down, Steve took matters into his own hands and rolled us back over until I was half lying beneath him. I watched him through heavily lidded eyes as he slowly traced a path across my belly, creeping towards the apex of my thighs. Before he even reached there, my thighs were trembling wildly with anticipation of what was to come. "I love how responsive you are," he told me softly as his fingers dipped inside my cleft. I could hardly breathe. Beads of sweat formed on my back and I tilted my hips towards his hand, desperate for his skilful touch. He knew exactly how to play me -- he always had. Gently strumming my responses like a delicate instrument, he pushed me closer to edge of reason. My back arched on the damp sheets and he dropped his mouth to my nipple, taking it between his teeth and sucking gently. I groaned and grabbed his shoulder, digging my nails in without thinking. Immediately he bit down on my nipple, hard, and I yelped. In that moment, the subtle dynamic between us changed. Soft and gentle quickly became harsh and frenzied. No longer did I want to be seduced slowly. I didn't need Steve to make love to me -- I wanted him to fuck me, to erase the pain and make me feel alive. His mouth found mine and I tasted blood as his teeth grazed my lip. Two fingers plunged inside me, testing my wetness and finding me flowing like a river. I pushed against his hand and he added a third finger with ease. He fucked me like that, building the tension in my fevered limbs until I was thrashing beside him, crying for release. I felt his mouth on my breasts, teeth biting, tongue soothing, and I moaned. The end came upon me before I was ready. It hit with a force that blew me away in a rush of sensation so strong I blacked out momentarily and my whole body exploded like a firework in blaze of pleasure. Christy's Choice Before I realised what was happening, Steve roughly threw me over on to my stomach. I felt him raise me up slightly and then with one swift movement, he thrust into my dripping pussy until he was fully inside me. My face was pressed against the sheet as his cock impaled me, stretching me and sending further bursts of sensation straight to my clit. Then he slapped my backside and I cried out with shock. The stinging pain made my eyes water, but I didn't care. I was too lost in the heated glow that was spreading through me. Eagerly I pulled my knees forward until my bottom was pushing back against his cock. "Fuck! That feels so good," he growled and I felt his hands grab my hips. He began to fuck me roughly and I eagerly met his every thrust with a gasp of pleasure. Reaching down between my legs, I rubbed my clit as the pressure built up inside me all over again. From the harsh sound of his breathing, I knew he wouldn't last much longer. My fingers felt the thickness of his cock sliding in and out of me and I imagined how it must look from his angle -- seeing himself thrusting into my gaping hole. The image in my brain, fused with the sensation of my fingers on my clit, combined to push me over the edge into another orgasm. My body clenched around his shaft and I heard him groan at the sensation. I felt him thrust into me hard and deep, before he came with a shuddering howl of release. My body fell forward and I closed my eyes, aware of him sliding from my throbbing body with a wet sensation. He collapsed beside me and pulled me into the curve of his body. "I missed you," he whispered into my hair. I didn't reply. I was too busy feeling guilty now that the passion had waned and reality had sunk in. What on earth was I going to tell Dan? * * * "Why have you been ignoring my calls all weekend?" Dan asked as he stood before me in my kitchen. He was right -- I had been avoiding his calls. Mostly because I didn't know how to tell him that I was back with Steve. But Dan was no fool. He knew something was wrong and he had turned up at my flat, leaving me no choice but to bite the bullet and tell him. "I'm sorry, Dan," I said, unable to look him in the eye. "Something's happened that I wasn't expecting and..." My voice broke off. God this was difficult. I had thought Dan was the one and now...now I was confused and unable to see anything at all. "Just tell me, Christy - tell me and stop making this worse than it has to be." Dan looked at me levelly and I saw the hurt masked by a veneer of indifference. "It's Steve. He's come back and " "Your ex?" "Yeah." "The guy who almost destroyed you last time around -- that the one?" His voice was dangerously low and I shrank back, wishing that I wasn't doing this, but knowing that I had no choice. "It wasn't his fault," I said defensively. "No, course not, Christy." Dan picked his keys up from where he'd dropped them on the table. "I get it," he said with resignation. "You want to give it another go -- that's ok -- I understand." Before I could say another word, Dan was gone, out of my life. I didn't know whether to be relieved that he had made it easier than I had expected, or stricken that he had walked away with hardly a second glance. * * * "I thought I had your undivided attention?" I said, sarcasm tainting my words with acid. "You have, Babe," Steve replied, still absorbed in the small screen of his Blackberry. His fingers tapped the tiny keys as I watched, silently fuming. When the waiter arrived with our bottle of wine, Steve nodded distractedly at him and the man poured us both a large glass of Merlot. I grabbed mine and downed half of it in one gulp. It was probably a really bad idea to get plastered, but I was pissed off and didn't care enough to regulate my drinking. The last couple of months hadn't been how I expected at all. Once Steve knew he had me, it was as if the game was over and he had stopped trying. At first he had been attentive and thoughtful. We spoke regularly and he made time to see me as often as he could -- although his new job seemed very time consuming and he was travelling rather a lot. He also had his kids most weekends, and since he hadn't told them about me, it meant that I didn't see him when he was with them. I understood about that, but it still niggled me immensely. But even when we were together, I felt like half of the time he wasn't with me at all. The only time I had his undivided attention was when we made love. Or fucked; it felt more like fucking these days. I hadn't seen or heard from Dan since that scene in my kitchen. I still felt bad. More to the point, I was beginning to realise how much I missed him. I thought about him as I poured myself another glass of red wine and played with my pasta that was starting to congeal on a plate before me. Why had I been so convinced that the grass was greener? For two years I had pined for a man who never really existed. It was only now that I was beginning to understand how wrong I had been. "Sorry, Babe," Steve apologised belatedly as he finally put his Blackberry down. "I take it the wine is drinkable?" he said dryly as he noted the half empty bottle. "It's okay," I shrugged. I turned to stare out of the window at the people walking by. Although it was early evening, the busy street was teeming with tourists, wandering in and out of quaint shops, perusing the endless displays of tacky gifts. Happy, smiling faces taunted me and I suddenly wished I was at home. "You're quiet?" Steve commented, dragging my attention back to him, kicking and screaming. "I guess. Just thinking about stuff." He reached out and took my hand. "I've been thinking about stuff, too," he smiled. "How about we go away for a few days? Paris, perhaps?" That jolted me out of my sombre mood. "I know I've been working a lot lately and pretty much ignoring you. I am sorry, you know." He looked at me searchingly and I felt my heart melt slightly. "When are you thinking of?" I asked. I couldn't just abscond without giving my boss some notice. I also had very little money so I wondered who would be paying for this excursion. "Maybe weekend after next?" As I sat trying to remember what my shifts were, something made me look out of the window again. There was a couple standing across the street, talking closely and laughing at some joke. With a start, I realised it was Dan with an attractive blonde girl. The jealousy shot through me like a jagged blade and I winced. "If it's no good, I might be able to do the month after," Steve was saying, oblivious to my lack of attention. "I'm pretty busy before then -- I'm away on a course for a week soon and I'm taking the kids camping over half term." I tried to find some enthusiasm, but my temporary pleasure at the thought of a long weekend away had passed and I felt nothing but regret for the way I had behaved. The grass wasn't greener, I thought sadly. It was the same shade of green it always had been. "Up to you," I replied eventually. "I'll swap my shifts to suit your busy schedule." Once again I couldn't help the slight sarcasm that crept into my voice, but as usual, Steve was far too wrapped up in his life to notice. "Great!" he beamed happily. "Can you look at some flights and hotels? I'll be kinda busy so it'll be easier if you sort out the details." "Whatever," I said. I poured the last of the wine into my glass and listened to him telling me about his job. When I glanced back outside, Dan and the blonde had gone. Probably heading for a cosy meal somewhere intimate, I thought savagely. But I had no right to be upset, did I? I had brought it all on myself. * * * Paris in the springtime... It was the stuff of romantic dreams and slushy films. Everything I had dreamed off, but to my surprise, not quite the sum of its parts. As much as I had always wanted Steve to take me away for a romantic break, in our previous relationship, he had usually found an excuse not to. If it wasn't the kids, then it was work. Of course I knew that the real reason was the fear of discovery, but neither of us admitted that one. This time around, we were free to do whatever we liked, whenever we wanted to do it. So why didn't I feel more enthused? I couldn't explain it. I had wanted this for so long, but now that I had it, I felt like I had been cheated in some way. I guessed it was a case of 'we want what we can't have, and when we get it, we don't want it anymore'. My feelings for Steve were still real, but there was something lacking and I couldn't put my finger on what it was exactly. Part of me didn't trust him that much was certain. Every time he disappeared to make a phone call, part of me imagined him calling his ex and whispering sweet nothings as he had done with me when he was still with her. I knew he still spent tonnes of time with her -- for the kids, he had explained on numerous occasions. That didn't prevent me from being suspicious when he felt the need to take them all out somewhere, or spend evenings doing DIY because she needed help. But I was trying to put all those issues to one side and enjoy this break. I was lying on the bed in our room, waiting for Steve to come back from making another phone call. We were supposed to be heading out for dinner and I was dressed up in all the things I knew he enjoyed -- stockings, heels, the whole nine yards. It was a pity he wasn't here to see me, I thought listlessly. My appetite was rapidly diminishing and soon I wouldn't want to eat a thing. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of traffic on the busy boulevard outside. By the time the door of our room swung open, I was almost asleep, drifting away on dreams of suave French men and elegant chateaus. Fantasy was so much more fun than real life. "Sorry, Babe," Steve said for the millionth time. "Problems at work." He rolled his eyes and I smiled dutifully. "That's okay, I don't mind," I lied. He dropped down on the bed beside me. "You're looking gorgeous," he grinned as he noticed my sheer stockings and tight dress. "Thanks," I said, pleased that at least he had noticed the effort I'd made. He kissed me lingeringly on my lips before pulling me to my feet. "Come on, lets go eat before I ravage you," he said with a growl. Despite me previous irritation, I felt the familiar shiver of desire at his promise, and I firmly pushed my doubts to one side. We were here to have fun, and by god, fun we would have. * * * By the end of the evening, I was drunk and in a much better mood. Steve had been exceptionally attentive, no doubt feeling guilty for having spent too much time emailing and 'phoning home, and I was enjoying being pampered. The meal had been divine and the wine even more so. My choice of outfit had meant that the sexual tension between us was at screaming level by the time we had fallen into a taxi for the ride back to the hotel. In the darkness of the back seat, Steve had slipped his hand beneath my dress and teased me mercilessly. I was aware of the driver watching us in his mirror, but devilry had taken hold and I revelled in the knowledge that we were being surreptitiously observed. I kissed him, my body half lying across his lap as he insinuated his fingers beneath the lace of my knickers. I was wet; achingly so, and I bore down on his hand, seeking relief from the torment. When he felt I had been pushed to the limit, he turned his attention to my breasts. His hand reached inside the bodice of my dress and I felt his fingers pinch my nipple. The sharp sensation only increased the tension buzzing in my clit and I struggled to swallow a moan as he kissed my neck. I felt the driver's eyes watching me and I felt a fresh flood of arousal shoot through my sex. Steve slipped the strap of me dress from my shoulder and the lace of my bra was revealed. His lips moved down and took my nipple between his teeth, tugging the small crest as his fingers found my clit again. Headlights momentarily blinded me as an oncoming car tooted its horn. I guessed the driver was too busy watching the show on his backseat instead of the road, but I didn't care. With a squeal of brakes, the taxi finally skidded to an abrupt halt outside our small boutique hotel. Steve reluctantly pulled my dress up and removed his hand from my knickers, leaving me in a state of high arousal, my cheeks flushed and my hair all over the place. The driver smiled and said something in French as I exited the taxi, but I could scarcely able to look at him as embarrassment belatedly took hold. I giggled as we fell into the lift, unable to believe that I had behaved in such a slutty manner. "God I need to fuck you," Steve muttered as he pulled me against his erection while the lift rumbled up to the fourth floor. "Mmm I need your hard cock in me," I agreed recklessly, several glasses of wine sloshing through my veins. The door slid open as the lift briefly stopped on the second floor and an imperious looking lady of vintage years entered. She frowned at us and turned to face the door while I smirked and surreptitiously ran my hand along Steve's cock. He groaned faintly and the elderly woman stuck her nose even further up the air. When the lift stopped on our floor, we fell out into the corridor laughing like teenagers as the lift doors closed on the woman's pinched expression. "She's only jealous," I giggled as we wandered along, peering at each door in search of our own. Finally we reached the right one and Steve opened it. I fell into the room and collapsed on the bed. "Don't you be falling asleep!" he warned me from the bathroom. "I won't," I promised as I stared up at the ceiling, my head spinning from too much wine and sexual provocation. From the night stand, his phone began to ring insistently. I listened to it for a few moments and when he failed to appear, I grabbed it and flipped it open carelessly. "Hello, Steve's phone," I said in a slightly slurred voice. "He's in the bathroom, can I take a message?" There was a long silence and I was just about to end the call thinking it was a wrong number, when a woman spoke. "Who the fuck is this?" she demanded angrily. "Huh?" I blurted as confusion fogged my alcohol soaked brain even further. Steve reappeared with a towel in his hand and saw me on his phone. His face turned pale and he grabbed it from me before I could react. "Hi, Elaine, yeah I can explain..." In an instant, everything I had believed in shattered for the second time. He had lied to me and I had blithely bought into every last word of it. I ran blindly from the room and jumped into the lift just as it was closing. Eventually I found myself in the bar downstairs, shaking and unable to think past the thought that he had duped me. Oh God. What had I done! "It's not what it looks like," he said when he found me hiding in a dark corner. A lone bar tender polished some glasses and eyed us curiously as some jazz music played in the background. "How do you know what I'm thinking," I replied listlessly, all the fight in me long gone. I was tired now. Too tired to argue about what he had or hadn't done. I just wanted to go home. "Elaine didn't know about you," Steve said desperately. "I didn't want to upset her -- she's vulnerable right now." "More like still married to you!" I retorted as some of my fire reignited. "Why else would she give a fuck!" "Well, technically we're still married," he conceded reluctantly, "and I still spend a lot of time there, but it's for the sake of the kids -- you knew that." "Oh yes, the kids," I said sarcastically, "how could I forget them? You certainly see more of them than me." I hated the pettiness in my voice, but I couldn't help it. I had always been second best and I knew that this would never change. "They mean the world to me," he snapped, "I can't help that." "No, but you can try telling me the truth for once. You're still with her, so stop lying to me." "She knows it's over," he said, "I just need to sort a few things out before I leave once and for all." I stared at him sadly. It was obvious our relationship was over and I knew it this time. I had blindly thought we could make a go of this, despite how badly he had hurt me before, but once again, he had failed me. There was nothing left to say and so I walked away. The bartender threw me a sympathetic glance as I left the room and I managed a wan smile in return. The tears would come later; right now I was too tried to cry. * * * Two small children threw crusts for the ducks and I sat watching them giggle at the greedy birds as they fought over every last morsel. The children's mother was standing nearby with a toddler in a pushchair, and part of me wondered what might have happened if my baby had lived. That could have been me with the toddler, feeding ducks, without a care in the world. It was a depressing thought. But it was one that I had revisited more than a few times lately. Since I had left Steve behind in Paris six weeks ago, I had sunk into a black depression. The flight home had been a nightmare; I had cried for every minute of it, but by the time I had arrived back at my flat, the initial shock had faded and I had become resigned to the fact my relationship with Steve was finally over. I had collapsed on my bed and slept for a fifteen hours straight. When I finally woke up in the early hours of the following morning, I felt calmer, if not any happier. Over the next few days, Steve had tried ringing me, but I had refused to take his calls. Eventually he had given up and although I still half expected him to turn up at the pub, there had been no sign of him as yet. The sun was warm on my face as I stayed sitting on my bench lost in melancholy thoughts as the family walked away, their bread supplies apparently exhausted. In a few short hours I needed to be at work, but for now I was content to watch the world pass me by. It certainly felt like that was my lot these days. When the bench creaked slightly, I realised somebody had taken a seat beside me, but I kept my eyes closed. There was no way I wanted some old guy to drag me into a one sided conversation about nothing in particular. Miss Sociable I wasn't. "Wanna lick?" asked a familiar voice and I opened my eyes with a start. Dan thrust a twin vanilla cone dripping with strawberry sauce towards me and grinned amiably. "Your favourite," he added. I didn't know what to say, so I took the cone and cautiously licked the ice cream and sauce. It was delicious; a perfect treat for a warm sunny day in the park. "Thanks," I mumbled, feeling suddenly shy. I hadn't seen him since that brief glimpse in the street when I was with Steve, and I couldn't help but stare at his tanned arms. He looked great. Far better than I knew I looked. "Heard you dumped Steve," he said evenly as he leaned back and ate his ice cream with obvious enjoyment. "How?" I asked in surprise. "Pete told me," he replied. I wasn't all that surprised. Pete, my boss, knew Dan, and I supposed it was logical that he would have told Dan after I had told him my news. "Oh." I was waiting for the 'I told you that would happen', speech, but strangely it didn't come. "I'm sorry for everything," I blurted eventually, overcome by guilt at the way I had treated Dan. And I really was sorry. Dan had been the best thing that had happened to me in a long time, but I hadn't seen it. Instead I had casually thrown him away without appreciating everything he had done for me. Now I had to live with that. And it hurt. "I know," Dan said, still not looking at me. At that point I realised that not only had Pete told Dan the headline news, he had also spilled every last drunken detail of my tearful confession after I had returned from Paris. What a mate he was. I would have cheerfully drowned him had he been standing next to the pond. Christy's Choice "Did I ever tell you about Clare?" Dan said suddenly. "Huh?" I said. Then with a sinking heart I guessed he was probably about to fill me in on his latest super-model girlfriend, who could probably give Claudia Schiffer a run for her money in the glamour stakes. "Maybe I didn't," Dan mused. "I think by the time we met, Clare was long gone." I was puzzled as to what he was so cryptically skirting around, but my attention was well and truly engaged. "Clare was my first love," Dan said, still watching the ducks as opposed to me. "She was twenty two and I was eighteen when I met her. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen -- long white-blonde hair and legs that went on, and on, and on." He looked wistful and I immediately hated Clare whoever she was. "I fell head over heels for her and she made my life hell. Eventually she dumped me and ran off with some guy who worked on the fair that was passing through town at the time. All tattoos and smooth talk he was. I was heartbroken, but I picked up the pieces and carried on. "Despite the way she'd treated me, I still carried a torch for her and even though I went out with other girls, I carried on pining for Clare." He chuckled and crunched on a piece of the cone while I mentally stuck pins in a blonde-bitch voodoo doll. "When she turned up again, a year later, she came looking for me and declared she had been wrong, that she still loved me, and could we get back together. I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. I was so happy that she had seen the light and finally realised what a great guy I was, I didn't stop to think about WHY she was back after all that time." He laughed again, but this time there was no humour in it. "After a month or so, I found out she was pregnant. She tried to tell me it was mine of course, but a mutual friend put me straight on that score. The real reason she had come back was that her boyfriend had thrown her out when she got pregnant and she had nowhere else to go. So she figured I could provide for her, she could fool me into thinking the baby was mine, and I would too blinded by love to question it all. "Well love may be blind, but it's not totally dumb. As soon as I found out the truth, all the small niggling things that had bothered me finally made sense. She hadn't had a stomach bug the first few times she had stayed over with me -- she'd had morning sickness." I was stunned. I couldn't believe that some heartless floozy had treated my Dan in such a callous way. "That's awful," I said, squeezing his thigh sympathetically before I realised what I was doing and snatched my hand back. He turned to look at me and smiled faintly. "Do you know why I'm telling you this story?" "No, not really," I said still puzzled. "Maybe to make me realise that I'm not the only one with bad taste in scumbag lovers?" He laughed. "Kind of. But the true moral of the story is that sometimes we need to revisit a relationship to fully understand just why that person was bad for us. I still loved Clare until she showed her true colours the second time around. Only then did I see her for the shallow, manipulative bitch she was. Only then could I let her go and forget her. "The point I'm making here is that it was a bit like that with you and Steve. Despite the way it ended the first time, part of you still loved him and until you revisited that relationship and truly understood what he was really like, you were never going to commit yourself to me, or anybody. "That's why I walked away when you told me you had met him all over again. I knew that there was nothing I could say, or do, to make you see him in a true light. You had to come to that realisation all on your own, however hurtful it would eventually be. "Of course if I had been wrong and Steve had really been the man you thought he could be, then I'd have been fucked..." "How can you ever forgive me for hurting you in the process!" I wailed as tears began to flood down my cheeks. "I can forgive you because I love you silly," Dan said as he pulled me into his arms and held me tightly. "But...but...what about that woman I saw you with?" I sniffled. There was no way I was going down that road again! "What woman?" he asked with an expression of surprise as he pulled back slightly. "I saw you with some hot babe, one evening in York a few weeks back." Renewed jealousy cut into me sharply. "Oh that'll have been Katy," he said. "She was a colleague visiting from head office. We all went out for a meal and I picked her up from the hotel first. Nice lass. You weren't jealous, were you?" he asked with a faint smile. "No, course not, "I said firmly. "Good, cause you had no need to be." He pushed away some stray strands of hair that had stuck to my damp cheeks. "I love you, Christy," he said as I stared into his warm brown eyes. "I love you, too," I sniffled and he smiled before pulling me into his arms again. It suddenly occurred to me that not once had Steve told me he loved me. I knew then that I was finally over him. The only man I wanted was Dan and I wasn't about to lose him a second time. No, this time it was for keeps.