1 comments/ 7746 views/ 0 favorites Lost And Delirious: The Aftermath By: WallFly ***Webmaster / Poster Please Note: The following section is a bunch of inline comment drivel. It should be offset from the rest of the story. Italics would be nice. Thanks much. WF*** I was going to post this on a fan fic site, but it's too dirty for most of them, and I don't really trust the forum-based ones. So, it's going here, instead. Disclaimer: This story takes place within the universe depicted in the movie Lost and Delirious. I do not own the characters, or the settings, or the original story. They are the property of Lea Pool, Judith Thompson, and any number of other people I've never heard of. I was not paid for this submission, and I don't expect to get any money from this, or any other of my writing. The story is intended only as a tribute and an outlet for my unrelenting obsession with this movie and its characters. It is my first attempt at a sequel, although there may be others, with other timelines. Warning: if you haven't seen the movie, but plan to, don't read this. There are several spoilers. It is not necessary for you to see the movie to understand or appreciate the story, but it would help flesh out the background details. Plus it's a great movie, particularily if you like sapphic cinema and / or coming of age stories. Finally, this is a love letter to one of the most fascinating, passionate, unreal, tragic characters to ever grace a movie screen. RIP, Paulie Oster. PS: The "voice" of the story is my attempt to capture the voice of the original movie's narrator, as written by Judith Thompson and portrayed on screen by Mischa Barton. It's a stylistic device. Take that for what it's worth when you critique me. ***End of "comments" section*** Excerpts from the personal diary of Mary "Mouse" Bedford. Saturday, April 28 Paulie's gone. She's dead. I still can't believe it. I keep replaying the day, in my mind, over and over. I'm so tired. But I can't sleep. When I close my eyes, all I see is her. Stabbing Jake in the leg with the sword. Standing on the library roof. Lying on the ground, like a broken doll. So much blood. Why, Paulie? Why didn't you talk to me? Why did you run away from me? You know you run faster than I do. I tried to catch up. I tried. But it wasn't enough. Everything I could do, and it wasn't enough. And now you're gone. I can't believe the pain. It hurts so much I feel like I can't breathe. Paulie! Monday, April 30 I couldn't really write anything yesterday. I guess the shock wore off. It was like being a zombie, I guess. Walking around with this sheet of pain between me and the world. I dreamt of Paulie last night. She stood up on the roof, with the sun over her shoulder and the raptor circling around her. She cried out to the sky, and her words fell to the ground like heavy rain drops. She raised herself up, and then she was suspended for a second, not yet falling, but not standing on the roof anymore. She looked into my eyes for a fleeting moment, and a single tear rolled down her cheek. Then she fell, and the raptor carried her soul to heaven. I miss you, Paulie. I know you're somewhere better now, somewhere where your light can shine pure. I love you. Tuesday, May 1 Tori just sits on her bed all the time. She doesn't do anything. She doesn't say anything. I don't know what she's thinking. I've been watching her. Talking to Miss Vaughn, the police, her parents. She was always sad, tired, but she stuck to her story. Every question they asked, she answered the same way. She told them that Paulie was in love with her, that she felt sorry for Paulie. They told her about Jake, and she was genuinely shocked. She put her hand over her mouth and made an 'Oh' face. She hasn't gone to see him yet. I don't know if she will. When the police asked me, I told the same story she did. I don't know why. Maybe it's for Tori. I don't know. I think Miss Vaughn knows. Or maybe just suspects. She's been watching Tori, and her eyes are sad. She watches me, too, and I don't know, but I think she's disappointed. Maybe she expected me to tell the truth. Maybe I should have. But when the policeman asked, I could feel Tori's eyes on me. Not pleading. Just watching. She would have denied it. The Osters came and picked up Paulie's...picked up Paulie. They seemed like nice people, but I don't really remember them. Mr. Oster actually appologized to Tori. She told him she had forgiven Paulie. She even smiled at him. Forgiven Paulie. She is so cold sometimes. I know she knows I watch her. I feel like I should talk to her. But I don't know what to say. And I don't want to. She is so beautiful, and we all always do what she wants us to, even when we don't want to. I think I might hate her. Thursday, May 3 We had a memorial for Paulie today. Everyone was there, and everyone was uncomfortable. I could see Miss Vaughn watching me, watching Tori. I think she wants to say something, too, but I don't think she knows what to say. Tori cried. Was it real? How do I know anymore? Which Tori is the real Tori? I want to tell someone. I want to tell them the whole story, beginning to end. But who do I tell? Who would even believe me? All these questions, and no answers. Tori just sits there. She stares straight ahead, and I don't know what she sees. She hasn't gone to see Jake. At least I don't think she has. Saturday, May 4 Oh my God, it's only been a week. It feels like a year. God, Paulie, I miss you so much. Tori went to see Jake, in the hospital. She told me she was going. She stood and looked at me when she said it, waiting for a reaction. I just said, ok. What was I supposed to say? I know she wants to talk to me, but I really don't care right now. I just wonder if any of us are ever going to be all right again. Tuesday, May 7 I wasn't going to write this down. But I have to. I have to get it out of my head, somehow. I'm sorry, Paulie. I know you wanted it to be our secret. I have to. She was just so lonely. So lost without Tori. Like a different person. Tori was so cold to her, so cruel. Talking about her boyfriend where Paulie could hear. Telling her they were "good friends". Paulie took it like stab wounds to her heart, and she kept coming back for more. Most nights, Tori didn't come back until late. She would be out with Jake, or in one of the other dorms, talking to her girly friends. It was just Paulie and me, and she usually had little to say. She would lie in bed, smoking, or reading. We would turn in early. At first, I thought she was just cold. I used to see her, lying face down on her bed, shivering. Then, one time, I heard her, and I knew she was crying. She cried herself to sleep. Every night. Quietly, so I wouldn't hear. So no one would. I tried to pretend I didn't know, because I knew she didn't want anyone to know. But, after a couple of days, I just couldn't stand it. I got up, and I went over to her bed, very quietly. I put my hand on her back, and I felt her go a little stiff. I tried to pull my arm back, and she just grabbed it and held it against her. So I lay down next to her, pressing against her, and she started to cry again, not hiding it this time. I reached up with my hand and stroked her hair. After a while, she rolled over so we were face to face. She looked at me, through her tears. She reached over and touched my face, my cheek, my lips. Then she pulled my head towards hers. She kissed me. It was soft, gentle. Then she realized what she was doing. She broke the kiss, and she looked away. She said, 'I'm sorry, Mouse.' And I told her it was ok, that if this would help with the pain, that I was all right with it. She looked me in the eye, and asked if I was sure, and I said yes, if you need this, go ahead. She kissed me again. It was different. Hungry. She put her tongue in my mouth and I let her. Then she started to touch me. Her hands were soft and warm, and she knew how and where to touch. She kissed me all over, all over, and then, when I was on fire because of what she did, she...she kissed me...there. And kept kissing me, until I...It was the first time anyone ever... Afterwards, she held me in her arms. Her strong fencer's arms. She thanked me, and said she was sorry, she just really needed it. I told her it was all right, that I liked it. We lay like that for a while. then I asked her if she wanted me to do it to her. She said I didn't have to. I said, it's ok, I just wanted to know if she wanted me to. She was quiet. Then, in this little voice she said, yes, please. I kissed her. I could still taste myself, on her mouth. Then I just tried to do what she'd done. I touched her all over, and I kissed her everywhere. And when I got to her, her place, I...put my mouth on her. It was ok. She didn't really taste like anything. Just a little salty. I know I wasn't as good as she was, but she put her hands in my hair and she whispered to me, 'Yes, Mouse, oh, yes, like that', and made these little whimpering noises. Then she started shaking, and she pulled my head in tight to her, and she moaned, and she quivered, then she pushed me away and I knew I had given her what she gave me. She pulled me up, and kissed me, and put her arms around me again. She kept whispering 'Thank you', over and over, and appologizing. I just held her, and kept saying it's ok, it's ok. After that, every night that Tori wasn't here, I'd go over and get in her bed. Some nights, she just wanted me to hold her, or we did it once and she would fall asleep. Other nights, she wanted it again and again, and she would cry a little inbetween. She would tell me she loved me, and I knew it was true. I told her I loved her, and that was true, too. I would always be in my bed by the time Tori got back. I don't think she knew. I told her once that I wished I could help her forget Tori. She got very quiet, and I felt bad that I said it, so I said I was sorry. But she said, 'You do help me forget her, Mouse. Just not for very long.' She loved Tori so much that even that wasn't enough. She didn't just want her body. She wanted all of her. Those last couple of nights, before the dance, she didn't want anything but to hold me. She was very quiet, and she cried a lot, and I think she was starting to understand. I kissed her, once, trying to get her to just do it with me, and she just looked at me, sadly, and said she loved me, and she would miss me. I should have known, then. She just needed someone, someone to hang on to. I tried. I tried so hard. Paulie, I'm so sorry. I miss you so much. If I could just have you here with me again, I'd never let you go. Never. Wednesday, May 8 I shouldn't have written that. But I couldn't help it. I want to erase it, but I can't. It needs to live. Somewhere. Thursday, May 9 Tori talked to me last night. For the first time. I don't know why. She was out with Jake, but she came back early. She's been strange with him. I'm wondering if, now that Paulie's dead, maybe she doesn't need him anymore. I don't know. I didn't ask. She came in, and she sat down on the bed. I lay there, with my eyes closed. Usually she would accept that. Not yesterday. She said, 'I know you're not asleep, Mary.' I didn't react. She kept talking. She said, 'I know you hate me. I don't blame you. I hate me, too.' I didn't open my eyes, because I didn't want to look into hers. When I look into Tori's eyes, I want to forgive her everything. I just said, 'You killed her.' Tori came over and sat at the foot of my bed. 'I know.' she said. It wasn't sad. It wasn't unsad. It was just dead. I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was crying, like that time at the library. No sound, just tears and sniffing. 'I didn't mean for it to happen.', she said, through the tears. 'I didn't think she'd actually...Oh God, I didn't know.' I didn't say anything. She got a hold of herself, as always. She looked right at me, with those beautiful brown eyes. 'You lied for me.', she said. I nodded. 'Why did you do that?', she asked. I looked away from her. 'I don't know. I think I did it for you. I'm not sure.' She looked at me, long and hard. 'You should have told the truth.' she said. I sat up. 'You would've denied everything.', I said. She nodded, slowly. 'Yes. I would have.' She got up and went back to her bed. She was just so beautiful in the moonlight. 'Tori?', I called after her. I took a deep breath. 'Did you ever love her? Really?' She stopped, looking right at Paulie's bed. The Osters had taken all of Paulie's stuff, so it was just the bare mattress. 'I still do.' she said, softly. 'I love her more than anyone will ever know. And she's dead because of it. Because of me. And I have to live with that, for the rest of my life.' Then she went to bed. My stomach tightened up. I felt her pain. She hides it, she covers it up. She's hurting, as much as me, maybe more than me. Why does she do that? How does she do that? The next morning, she was different again. She has not been her usual, cheery self, but most people just assume it's the aftermath of what happened. Besides, people will always forgive Tori. I don't want to. I don't want to stop hating her. I don't want to know about her pain. I don't want to feel what I'm feeling. It's like I'm betraying Paulie. Saturday, May 11 Two weeks now. The pain is not any less. I wonder how long these things take. My mother's been dead three years, and it still hurts sometimes. But Paulie's wound is fresh, and still bleeding. Tori is out with Jake again. I don't understand her at all. I keep comparing all the different Toris I know, the one who loved Paulie, the one who was my friend, the empty, sad one from yesterday, the one I see with the other girls. I don't know the one that's out with Jake. Only Jake knows that one. She has so many faces. How does she keep them all straight? I always thought Paulie was strong. She was brave, she was a fighter. She never gave up. But now I'm coming to understand that it wasn't strength. Paulie was only being Paulie. She didn't know how to be anyone else. She didn't have different versions of herself, different Paulies for different situations. She could only be Paulie. No, it's Tori who's the strong one. Tori who can keep her emotions in check, who can hurt people she loves over and over and over. Who can hide, and pretend, and be who she wants when she wants. I want that kind of control. But it scares me. She scares me. Why do I keep thinking about Tori? Sunday, May 12 Tori came back early again, last night. She sat on her bed. She didn't say anything, but she was crying. I wanted to get up, to go over to her, to hold her. I didn't. 'Early night?', I asked her. She didn't say anything. I felt angry, and cold. Maybe it's the fact that I am thinking about forgiving her, that I'm starting to feel sorry for her. I don't know. I heard myself saying these things, but even I wasn't sure where they were coming from. 'Why don't you break up with him?', I asked, her. 'You don't need him, anymore. You only dated him to prove you weren't a lesbian. You proved it, and Paulie's dead. You can stop now.' It was like she wanted me to beat her up. She just sat there and took it. It made me even madder. 'Or do you love him, now?', I said. 'It's so easy for you, isn't it? Turn love on, turn love off, as you need. You never cared about Paulie, did you?' This did get a response. She clenched her teeth. 'How can you say that? I. Loved. Her.' I didn't want any part of it. 'I don't believe you. No one could love someone, and then hurt them like you hurt Paulie. No one.' And I rolled over, away from her. I heard her crying, into her pillow, for a long time. Then she was quiet, and I thought she was asleep. I was wrong. 'You don't understand.' she whispered, suddenly. 'You're right,', I whispered back. 'I don't.' She took a deep, ragged breath. 'I couldn't stop.' she whispered. 'I couldn't. Once I started, I had to keep going. If I stopped...', she trailed off. 'What?', I said, harshly. 'If you stopped, then what?' She tried to hold it in, then it just came out in one explosion, choked off by her tears. 'If I'd stopped for even a second, I would have run back to Paulie, and begged her to forgive me, to take me back. And she would have. She would have done it in an instant. She wouldn't have even asked me any questions. All she wanted was me. That's all. And I knew that. So...I couldn't stop.' She was still crying. I shook my head. 'I still don't understand.', I said. 'And I couldn't have done what you did.' 'How do you know?', she asked, pleading. 'How could you know?' 'I know.', I said. 'How?', she persisted. I rolled back over. I couldn't see her, in the darkness, but I knew she was watching me. 'I loved her, too.', I said. 'Not like I did.', she said. I sat up. 'Yes. Just like you did.' She drew in her breath. 'When?', she wanted to know. I rubbed my eyes. 'After you stopped.', I said. 'After you cut her off. I gave myself to her, to try to stop the pain. It didn't work. But I tried.' She didn't say anything, for a time. 'Mouse,', she said, finally, gently. 'Mouse, I didn't know.' 'Well now you do.', I said, still looking right at her. 'I wouldn't have given her up. Ever. For anything.' I rolled over again. She cried for a long time after that, but I eventually tuned her out. The weird part was, some part of me actually enjoyed hurting her. Wednesday, May 15 The school year is almost up. Soon I'll be home. Soon Tori will be gone. I'll probably never see her again. My father didn't even call to see if I was all right. Miss Vaughn sent letters to all the parents, to tell them what happened. He didn't even call. I feel very sad today. I lost Paulie, Tori, and now my Dad. Who do I have left to hang on to? Who still loves me? Tori hasn't said anything to me since Sunday. She's avoiding me. She won't even look at me. It's not like what she did to Paulie. It's more like she feels guilty. Or afraid. Thursday, May 16 Tori broke up with Jake. She didn't even tell me. It's all over the school. I heard it from Cordelia. When I came back to the dorm, I asked her if it was true. She said it was. She didn't look at me. I didn't ask. I went to bed. I keep wondering if I ever knew Tori. I wonder if Paulie did. Saturday, May 18 Oh my God. What a night. I don't know how much more I can take. How many more things are going to come at me here? If this place is like this all the time, I don't think I want to come back next year. I woke up last night, in the middle of the night. Tori wasn't in her bed. I looked at the alarm clock. It was 2 AM. I got a little nervous, because I didn't know where she was, and she's been so weird. I didn't even know where to look. I needed to use the bathroom, so I walked down the stairs. When I opened the door, Tori was sitting on a toilet in one of the stalls, with the door open. She was crying. She had a razor in her hand. For one long moment, everything just stopped. All I could see was Tori. I closed the bathroom door. She didn't even look up. 'Go away, Mouse.', she said, softly. 'Just go away.' 'Tori.', I said, as gently as I could. 'What are you doing?' She looked up at me, then back down. She didn't say anything. I started walking towards her. I had trouble breathing. 'Tori," I said. 'Give me the razor.' She didn't move. I was almost there. 'Tori,', I said. 'Please.' She shook her head. I could see tear stains all over the front of her T-shirt. 'I can't do it.', she said, emptily. 'I'm such a coward.' I reached over, and took the razor. She didn't even try to resist, just let me pull it out of her hand. Then she just fell forward, against me. I caught her, wrapped my arms around her. She pressed into my chest and started sobbing. She didn't say anything, just cried. I held her as tightly as I could, running my hands through her soft, black hair. For once, I didn't need to ask if this was the real Tori. Lost And Delirious: The Aftermath Eventually, she calmed down. 'Tori,', I whispered. 'We have to get out of here before somebody hears all this and comes to see what's going on.' She nodded, into my chest. I helped her get up. Her face was smeared with tears and snot. She rinsed it in a sink, rubbing her cheeks with cold water. I did what I came to do, then helped her get upstairs. She was like a child, limp and unresisting. We walked up the stairs, very slowly. In the dorm room, I helped her get into bed, and pulled the covers up for her. She looked up at me. 'Thank you, Mary.' she said, and smiled, wanly. I stroked the side of her face. 'Don't ever do anything like that again.' I said, firmly. Then I leaned down, forcing her to look right into my eyes. 'Okay?' She nodded, but she looked down when she did it. She fell asleep, soon after. I had trouble sleeping until almost dawn. The next day, she was fine again, at least to the outside world. I'm keeping the razor in my nightstand. Just in case. Monday, May 20 Tori is avoiding me again. It's been very awkward since the other night. We hardly say anything to each other. When she's not here, I don't know how to feel. I resent her for the fact that I don't resent her anymore. She is just so...perfect that I think I'd let her get away with anything. Everyone would. We all want to believe her, to trust her. And somewhere, deep inside, she knows it. She confuses me. I wish I could ask Paulie if it felt this way for her, being close to Tori. One minute, I think she's so genuine, so vulnerable. The next, I wonder if she's really this calculating. I can't stop thinking about it. When she's around, it's a lot harder to think about her other side. Her presence is overwhelming. It always was, for me. She makes you like her, just by being. My anger is burned out, so I can't use that as a shield. And without it, I am defenseless. I'm sorry, Paulie. Wednesday, May 22 I don't know what to think, anymore. I am changing so much, here. All of these things happening to me, I just feel like a whole different person. I don't even remember the old me. Yesterday, when I came back to the dorm, Tori was lying on her bed again. There was an envelope on her night stand, torn open, and a letter on top of it. She noticed me looking at it. 'It's my acceptance letter', she said, in a hollow voice. It was the first thing she'd really said to me, directly, since Friday, other than like good morning. 'From McGill.' I nodded, and kept walking. I couldn't think of anything to say. 'Paulie and I were going to go there together next fall.' Her voice sounded far away. Paulie had told me that, once. She had choked it off with a painful sob. McGill represented a future she had hoped to have, that she no longer thought possible. We turned the lights off early. I was drifting off to sleep, when I heard Tori whisper, 'Mary?'. When I didn't respond, she tried again. 'Mary?' I rolled over. 'What is it, Tori?', I asked, slightly sleepy. I saw she was sitting up. Then in a little voice, she said, 'Could you...come here? Please?' I hesitated for a second, then got out of bed and sat on the end of her bed, in front of her, waiting. She didn't look at me, she looked over my shoulder. Her tears started flowing. I couldn't stop myself. I reached for her. I held her. I soothed her. She gently pulled me into bed with her, then held on to me and cried. Again, no words. I don't know if she had no words for her grief, or if she was just holding back. She lay pressing against me for a long, long time, even after the tears stopped. It was a full moon, and I could see her face in the half-light. Her deep brown eyes were so sad, so empty. I don't know what happened, then, exactly. I just suddenly felt my face moving towards hers. I kissed her, kissed her soft, supple lips. Felt them give way, part for me. Held them to mine. My heart pounded against my ear drums, so loud. Then I came back to myself, and I pulled my head back. What was I doing? She was looking at me, startled. I felt a flood emotions washing over me. I sat up and started to get out of bed. She reached for me, took hold of my arm. I looked at her. She was still looking at me with that same, strange expression. She pulled me back into bed. We stared at each other for what felt like forever, her eyes searching mine. Then, she kissed me. The first one was soft. The second one was not. My head spun. It wasn't just from the kiss. She was a great kisser, but so was Paulie. No, it was because it was her. Tori. Beautiful, untouchable Tori, the girl we were all secretly in love with, the one everyone wants, boy, girl, man, woman. Kissing me, deep and hard, like she was trying to suck the breath from my lungs. She rolled over and pulled me on top of her. I helped her get her T-shirt off. She began to urge me toward her breasts. I had seen them before, but not this close. Her breasts are beautiful. They're round and perfect, with little freckles on her skin. I went from one to the other, suckling like a hungry baby. Her hands were at the back of my head, running through my hair. After a few minutes of me sucking, she began to guide me downward. I knew where she wanted me. I let myself be guided. Her perfume was more complex than Paulie's, and so was her flavor. Muskier. Spicier. Not better, or worse. Just different. And she was more responsive, bucking her hips against me, involuntarily, panting, clutching my head to her, her breath catching in her throat again and again, as she cried out her release. When she stopped pulling at my hair, I eased back to avoid over-stimulating her. She pulled me up her body, to kiss her, sucking greedily at my tongue. Then, without a pause, she rolled me over. She started kissing my neck. Her hands, her mouth, they were so gentle. So soft. It was urgent, but it was also timeless. She nibbled gently on my breasts, not enough to hurt, just so I could feel her teeth. She began kissing lower. It wasn't that she was better than Paulie. She was practiced, knowing, but Paulie had been, too. It was just that it was Tori. Radiant, lovely Tori. Letting her mouth caress me, so intimately. She took a while to get me there, but it still felt too fast, too soon for her to stop. I cried out, then fell back. She was on top of me, kissing me, intermingling our flavors. She lay on me, her face against my neck. I stroked her hair. 'I'm sorry.', she whispered, to me. 'I really, really missed this.' I kissed her, gently, on her forehead. 'I did, too.', I said. Then she started to cry again. 'I miss her so much, Mouse.', she said, fighting for breath. 'Even before she was gone, just having her so close, it was...so hard, sometimes. So hard not to just let her be with me. So hard.' 'I hurt her so much. I watched myself do it, and it was like I couldn't stop myself, couldn't control it.' 'It was like, my love sustained her. She needed it, like food. And I withheld it. I starved her.' 'Her eyes, Mouse. If you had just seen her eyes. That night, at the dance, when I denied her for the last time. If you had just seen the depth of her pain, the betrayal. She was like a wild animal. And now, now when I close my eyes and see her, I don't see her laughing. I don't see her smiling, looking at me tenderly, with love, like she did in class sometimes. I just see those eyes. Those wild, pain-filled eyes. They scream at me. Why, Tori? Why? Oh God, Mouse, how could I do that to her? How could I do that to my love?' I just held on. I knew she didn't expect me to have any answers. She just needed to let the words flow. 'I knew, I knew she felt alone in the world. I knew she felt unloved. I knew this would hurt her. I didn't realize how much, but I should have. I should have known.' 'And now, now she's dead, and I can't...even...tell...her...how...sorry...I...am. Oh God, I can't stand this.' 'I thought I was strong enough. I thought I could be without her. Some nights, I almost could. But others, others it was all I could not to crawl into her bed. I would hold on to Jake, and try to get the same thing from him. But I just couldn't. It wasn't the same. It couldn't be.' 'And now, now that she's not here, now that I've lost her forever, now all I want is to be with her. Even now, here, with you, I'm sorry Mouse, but all I wish is that you were Paulie.' She calmed down, sniffing against me. 'I'm so sorry for all this, Mouse. For dragging you into the middle of it. For everything.' I told her it was ok. I was dealing with it. I kissed her, gently. She looked down. 'I don't want to hurt you, like I hurt Paulie.' she said. 'You won't.', I said. 'How can you be sure?', she asked. I sighed. 'For one thing, in another couple of weeks we'll never see each other again.' She didn't say anything. She just held on to me. Eventually, she fell asleep, and I snuck out without waking her, and climbed back into my bed. I could smell her on me, taste her skin, her mouth. Saturday, May 25 Tori and I make love every night now. She can't seem to get enough. Last night I woke up with her above me, looking down. I opened my mouth and she lowered herself onto me. Paulie and I had done that a few times, but she always pulled me on top. It was different, but not really. When she was done she just slid down my body and took care of me. We also ground together, facing each other, holding on, our legs over each other. Another trick Paulie had taught me. We finished by using our mouths on each other at the same time. We always make sure that we're in our own beds when we're finished. We don't want to go through that again. We both feel the pressure of time. Less than two weeks now. Oh, Tori. Monday, May 27 I dreamed of Paulie last night. I haven't dreamt about her since the first week. The first ones were terrible. It was about her falling, or her lying bleeding on the ground, her dead. This one was different. I was walking in the woods. It was early in the morning, with the first light of the sun coming through the trees. There was mist in the air. Suddenly, I felt a presence, like something was there with me. Then...the raptor flew out of the trees and landed in front of me. I felt a shiver, and Paulie was there, walking next to me. I looked up at her. She was smiling at me, with that huge, beautiful smile she had, the one that just lit up her whole face. Her eyes were wise. 'Thank you, Mary.' she said. 'For everything.' I couldn't say anything. Couldn't form words. It was like I forgot how to talk. We kept walking. Then, Paulie said, 'Love her for me, Mary. Love her as long as you can.' The raptor flew away, and she was gone, just like that. I woke up, sweating, panting. I could hear Tori breathing, steadily in the darkness. What was that all about? Tuesday, May 28 I haven't told Tori about my dream. She's noticeably calmer now, though. She's learning to breathe again, I think. She is still not the same Tori that I remember from early on, but then I'm not the same Mouse, either. I don't think we'll ever be the same, any of us. How can we be? There is still doubt, of course. I remember how she can change, how cold she can be. But I know I don't have a chance with her. She's like a river. She just flows over me. I love Tori. Thursday, May 30 Everything is winding down. Tori sat next to my bed today, talking about her summer trip to Italy with her Mom. She smiled, for the first time in a long time, at least with no one else watching. She rested her head against my leg. It was nice. Last night we made love again, but only once this time. The urgency is less now. We take our time. Afterwards, we just lie together, in silence, in comfort. So little time, now. She'll be gone so soon. And then I'll be alone again. We only have a week. Friday, May 31 I told her. Last night. I couldn't help it. We made extra long love, and then I just looked her right in the eye. 'I love you, Tori.', I said. She looked back at me, with longing, with fear. She looked away. 'I fell in love with you on the first day.', I continued. 'The first time I saw you. I didn't know what it was, then. Now I do. I love you.' She sat up. She didn't get out of bed, but she was fighting the urge to. 'I'll only hurt you.', she said. 'I'll destroy you, like I destroyed Paulie.' I sat up and put my arm around her. 'I'm not Paulie.', I said. 'I loved her, but I'm not her. I'm me. And I love you.' She sat, leaning against me, without saying anything. Then, she whispered, 'I love you too, Mouse.' We made love again. Monday, June 3 Tori and I have so little time left. We don't talk about the future. We both know we don't have one. At least not together. We are about the past. We are about healing. I love her. And I think she loves me. And it just doesn't matter at all. The clock is still ticking down. I know I'll never see her again, after Friday, except maybe in my dreams. And it's all right, somehow. It hurts to think about, but I actually don't find myself wanting it to be any different. Our time is short, but it's ours. Wednesday, June 5 Tori looked gorgeous at graduation rehearsal. It's amazing. She is so beautiful to start with, and when she dresses up a little, puts on just the right amount of make up, she's just stunning. I caught her eye, several times, as we sang to the graduates. She smiled at me, a secret little smile. There were only two of us in the assembly hall. There were only two of us in the Universe. Friday, June 7 It's over. Last night, we made love again and again. Knowing that it was the last time just made it sweeter. After the last one, we cried together. For the end of our love, or maybe just for what might have been. She stayed with me, until early in the morning. Graduation was this morning. She was so beautiful. I'll always remember her the way she was today, in her graduation gown. With her laughing eyes. My Tori. Forever mine, even if it's only in my memory. After graduation, she came upstairs. We packed most of our stuff last night. Her family was still downstairs. Mine was coming later. We only had five minutes, maybe less, to say goodbye, before her father would come up to help with her bags. She stopped in the middle of the room. She took me in her arms. 'Mouse. Mary.' she said, tearfully. 'I will never. Ever. Forget you. Ever. I love you, Mary B.' I hugged her back. 'Take care of yourself, Tori.', I said. 'Live your life. Be happy. I love you, too.' We kissed. It was bitter and sweet at the same time. We held it as long as we could, so we could remember each other's taste, the feel of the other's lips on ours. Then she wiped her face. Her father came up, took her bags, and she hugged me again, much lighter this time, for show. My father will be here, soon. It's a little late, but he's always late. I need to pack this diary. I've been thinking about it all, though. Now that it's all over, I'm thinking it was all for something, after all. Growth is always a painful process. And I did grow. I see them in my mind now, together. My Mother. Paulie. Tori. The three women who helped me become who I am. They are all my mothers, in a way. I loved them all. I love them all. I am all of them, and none of them. I am just me. Mary Bedford, previously known as Mouse. But Paulie was right. Mouse is dead. She died here, this year. Now I'm just Mary. Saturday, June 8 First night in my own bed, but it doesn't feel like mine. It's what Tori said to me, my first day at Perkins, a century ago. Home doesn't feel like home, anymore. Soon, I will be back there. There will be new people, new things to do. New roommates. New friends. I dreamt of Paulie again. I don't know how I know, but I think it's the last time. At first, I thought it was the nightmare. She was standing up on the roof, with the sun on her left and the raptor circling overhead. She cried out to the sky, and her words...her words floated up on a cloud, swirling into the sun. She stretched her arms out. Down below, Tori stretched hers out too, and so did I. Paulie looked down to us. She looked at Tori, she looked at me. We all shared our love. Paulie smiled. We smiled. Then she leapt. She spread her wings, and she flew straight up, up, ever higher. She flew away, as far as she could from the world of loss and love and pain. Rest in peace, Paulie. I will see you again, someday.