0 comments/ 47976 views/ 8 favorites Bikini Bottom Gangbang By: NassauHall Presenting a brand-new episode of "SpongeDick SquarePants," America's favorite TV comedy! Starring SpongeDick SquarePants:Jason Alexander Pearl Skabs:Anna Nicole Smith Patrick:John Goodman Sandy Labia:Holly Hunter Mr. Skabs:William Shatner Plankton:Patrick Stewart Squidward:Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan Gary the Snail:Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton With a very special guest appearance by Geraldo Rivera, as himself. ------- SCENE 1 [Setting: Pearl’s bedroom at the Skabs household. Decorated with Eminem posters, romance novels. Pearl, lying on bed in hot pink nightie, with panties pulled down. Bed covered with lotions and sex toys] PEARL [holding cunt open with one hand while massaging clit with vibrator]: Yes, just like that, keep going, make it hard for me, c’mon Eminem give me a lick with your nasty white-boy tongue, now! [Pearl thrashes about in ecstasy, orgasm juices pour out on to the bed. Lies back in bed, fingering nipples through nightie. Munches on a chocolate Pop Tart]. Pearl: That was good, but it just wasn’t great. Fuck it. I’m 18 years old and I’ve masturbated with every combination of dildos, vibrators, ben-wha balls, butt plugs, harpoons, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” DVDs, the collected works of Erica Jong, and all of Dad’s Barry White records. I’m totally comfortable with my breasts, my nipples, my big gray nose, my pussy lips, my clit, my ass and the backs of my knees. Where do I go from here? I want to lose my cherry. DAMN IT, I NEED COCK! [Bursts out crying. Kicks and screams and has another orgasm. Calms down] PEARL: Now I feel better. Say, I know what to do. I’ll go to Dad’s office and ask his advice. He’s the smartest man I know! [Pearl smooths nightie, pulls on pink panties, puts feet into pink fluffy slippers, runs out of house] ----- SCENE 2 [Setting: The Krusty Skab restaurant, swankest eating establishment in Bikini Bottom. Mr. Skabs, proprietor, is in his back office counting money. SQUIDWARD is grumpily taking orders while SpongeDick SquarePants is running the kitchen with his natural good cheer]. PEARL [bursting into her father’s office]: Hi, Dad, I gotta talk to you right now! MR. SKABS: Just a moment, my precious little vertebrate [counts money] 19,998; 19,999, 20,000. Ah, it does me heart good to make sure me fortune is all here. [looks up at her, smiling]. Now, Pearl of my heart, what be the matter this fine morning? Lose another vibrator up yer kooch again? PEARL: Dad, I’ve had it with just masturbation. I’m a mature female, and I need more than sex toys and Erica Jong novels to have the orgasms I’m entitled to. MR. SKABS: Ah, Pearl, Pearl, how you’ve grown. From a calf playing with Barbie’s Beach House to a horny little bitch in heat. Before your mother ran off with that sperm whale, she said this might happen. Aren’t there any nice boy whales in your classes at Bikini Bottom Community College? PEARL [bitterly indignant]: Boy whales? Give me a break! They’re all shrimp boys at BBCC, if you ask me! MR. SKABS [looks thoughtful]: Hmm, what about a nice walrus? A seal? A couple of frisky penguins? You can’t beat that old black-and-white thang, heh-heh-heh. PEARL [increasingly distraught]: HeLLLOOO! Look at me: I’m a fucking WHALE. Do you think a penguin is going to satisfy me? MR. SKABS [looking anxiously at pile of money on desk]: Ah, Pearl, some topics a father shouldn’t discuss in too much detail with his developin’ daughter. Tell you what: Go home and study and I’ll think about how to deal with your little problem. Here’s a treat for ya [reaches under desk, pulls out vinyl albums]. Go listen to these Donna Summer and Marvin Gaye records. They should float your little man in the boat, if you catch me meaning, until we find a more fittin’ solution. PEARL [brightening]: Gee, thanks, Dad. You’re the best. My twat’s getting itchy already! [Pearl departs; door hits her ass on the way out]. MR. SKABS [sighs, put head in claws on the desk]: Ah, the new generation! [Turns to another pile of money) 20,001; 20,002; 20,003 . . . ----- SCENE 3 [Setting: Mr. Skabs’ office. Skabs speaking with SpongeDick and Squidward. Plankton secretly listens from a hiding place] MR. SKABS: Boys, I’ve called this staff meeting to get your ideas on a disturbing topic. SQUIDWARD [side comment to audience]: Oh, brother, did he lose another nickel? MR. SKABS: My daughter Pearl, has become quite the young lady. She’s been spreadin’ her wings, so to speak, on her own but now she’s looking to expand her sexual horizons. SPONGEDICK [Scratching his head quizzically]: Wings? Horizons? She wants to be a flight attendant? SQUIDWARD [Rolling eyes in exasperation]: SpongeDick, you’re so dense. Pearl wants to have sex. You know, the old in-out, roll in the hay, making whoopee, the beast with two backs, yin and yang . . . SPONGEDICK [Whistling]: Ooh, I get it. [looks solemn] That’s going to be one wild ride for some lucky guy. She’s as big as a whale. MR. SKABS: SpongeDick, she IS a whale. SPONGEDICK [Looks upward]: The sexual equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest. MR. SKABS: I’m looking for solutions, not observations. I want the best for my little Pearl when she loses her virginity. Any suggestions? She’s already ruled out the boys at BBCC. PLANKTON [Aside to audience]: I know what to do! I’ll build a gigantic fleshy robot with the biggest cock in Bikini Bottom. Pearl will love it. And the only way for her to enjoy that cock is to give me the secret recipe for her father’s Skabby Patties! The recipe will be mine at last, bwa-ha-ha-ha! [Evil laughter continues]. MR. SKABS: SpongeDick, you’ve always been sweet on Pearl. How’d you like to pop her cherry? SPONGEDICK [Thoughtfully]: I don’t know, Mr. Skabs. She’s an armload. And a buttload, ha-ha. MR. SKABS: Ah, me boy, and you’re a lot of, um, sponge. SPONGEDICK: Hey, wait a minute. I’m absorbent! I can make myself as big as Pearl. Watch this! [SpongeDick holds breath, absorbs water, grows taller, buttons on clothes popping]. And check this out [Pulls down pants, mighty yellow penis springs forth.] SQUIDWARD: Say, that is impressive. You’re absorbent all over. Maybe Pearl would like it. Let me see [Grabs cock, gives it a waggle back and forth. Looks disappointed]. Well, I don’t know. It’s a little lacking in rigidity. SPONGEDICK: They don’t call me SpongeDick for nothing, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha [laughs maniacally] MR. SKABS: Well, me boyos, I’m hearing some good ideas. Back to work now, time is money, customers be wanting their Skabby Patties. Let’s sleep on it and see what develops [Others leave, Mr. Skabs stays at desk]. 20,004, 20,005 . . . ----- SCENE 4 [Setting: Plankton’s secret lab at his rival restaurant, the Scum Bucket. Plankton furiously uses screwdrivers and welding torch on a robot] PLANKTON: I’m almost done with my greatest creation. When I’m finished, Pearl will be helpless before the awesome thrusting power of Moby Dick, the great white whale with the great big cock. He-he! He’s already as tall as Pearl, and all I have to do is attach this hydraulically powered wee-wee. Once I get inside, I can control Moby Dick’s movements. This is going to be the culmination of my evil career. The Skabby Patty recipe is as good as mine [attaches penis to body with several nuts and bolts. Works levers from inside robot to raise and lower penis]. It’s alive, alive! [Cackling laughter]. I’ll go find Pearl at BBCC and make my move. ----- SCENE 5 [Setting: the campus of Bikini Bottom Community College. Pearl, strolling to cheerleader practice in her sexy orange-and-black cheerleader uniform, bumps into a giant white whale, Plankton’s robot] PLANKTON [in jerky robotic voice]: Excuse me. I was blinded by your hot booty and did not see where I was going. PEARL [blushing, assessing his bulk]: Oh, aren’t you sweet. You a new student here? PLANKTON: Yes, I transferred from another school of fish. You look like one horny little whale. PEARL [nipples hardening under her cheerleader uniform]: Why . . . how could you tell? PLANKTON: Come on, baby, we speak the same language. I can smell your excitement. PEARL [intrigued, increasingly turned on]: Well! What’s your name, big guy? PLANKTON: They call me Dick, Moby Dick. The name’s no accident, if you catch the drift of my net, ha-ha-ha. PEARL: My name’s Pearl Skabs. My dad is Mr. Skabs. He runs the best restaurant in Bikini Bottom, the Krusty Skab. PLANKTON: Not THE Krusty Skab, home of the world-famous, mouth-watering Skabby Patty sandwich? PEARL: The very same. I help run the office. That gives Dad more time to count the money. PLANKTON [laughing evilly to himself]: Why don’t we find a deserted classroom and get to know each other better. I’ll give you something to cheer about. PEARL: You talk the talk, but do you walk the walk? [They run to a classroom and lock the door] PEARL: It feels awfully warm in here. PLANKTON [pulling mechanical cock from his pants]: I’ll teach you the meaning of warm. Feast your eyes on my harpoon, baby. PEARL: Oooh, that’s the catch of the day! Yummy. Look at what I’ve got [pulls off top to reveal slinky front-clasp bra, pulls down cheerleader skirt and panties, points to her cunt] PLANKTON [trying to sound excited]: Oooh, baby, you know how to tease your guy. PEARL: Who’s teasing? Let’s do it right now, right here. [reaches out to grab robot] PLANKTON [stepping away from her]: Not yet, my sweet little muffin. First, get me the recipe for the Skabby Patty. I’m dying to know it! PEARL [confused]: Huh? Why do you want the recipe to the Skabby Patty? That’s a big secret. PLANKTON: I’m, uh, a recipe collector. That’s it, I collect recipes. I want to put it in my scrapbook. Once I have it, I’ll give you the ride of your life, honey. Moby Dick will be primed and ready when you get back [mechanical cock swells]. PEARL [pouting]: Damn, I need a good fucking right now, so, OK, let me get the dumb old recipe. PLANKTON: Get ready to cum like an undersea lava eruption. PEARL [starts to leave, then swings around, and grabs mechanical cock]: Oh, I’ve GOT to have a little taste before I go! Come to mama, you big white stud. PLANKTON [horrified, madly works controls]: No, not yet, not yet, I’m not ready for you! [Pearl grabs cock in her fist, falls to knees, swings it back and forth] PEARL: Wow, you’re as hard as steel. I like that in a whale. Hey, what the . . . [Mechanical cock rips at base, begins to spurt hydraulic fluid on Pearl’s boobs] PLANKTON [to himself]: Damn, the connectors are ripping loose. Why did I use those plastic nuts and bolts? PEARL [jumping back, holding mechanical cock in her hands, fluid pouring out of it onto her]: Ewwww, GROSS, your rotting cock fell off in my hands. You’ve got the CLAP, you JERKOFF. Look at all this stinky gunk on me! I gotta go disinfect myself. Yeck! [Throws cock at robot, bounces off its head] PLANKTON [panicked, pleading voice]: No, Pearl my sweet, you don’t understand. Whale cocks are like sharks’ teeth. They fall off on a regular basis but there’s always a bigger and better one right behind it. Really. It will grow back very soon. Get the Skabby Patty recipe and I’ll prove it. PEARL [dresses, tosses her ponytail dismissively]: Sorry, Charlie. I’ll save my cherry for somebody more worthy. Maybe Flipper. He’s sort of hot. PLANKTON [angry]: You’ll be sorry. You know what they say, Flipper’s faster than lightning. And that don’t refer to when he’s chasing tuna. Not much pleasure potential there for you. PEARL: I’ll take my chances. Now take your greasy cock and go fuck yourself with it. ----- SCENE 6 [Setting: SpongeDick and Patrick lounging in SpongeDicks’s pineapple house, lying down and blowing bubbles] SPONGEDICK: I feel sorry for Pearl. She’s got the female equivalent of blue balls. PATRICK: A cranberry clit? SPONGEDICK: Purple pudenda? PATRICK: Clogged cunt? Octagonal ovaries? SPONGEDICK: Well, whatever girls call it, she’s got it bad, and that ain’t good. PATRICK: Didn’t you take her to the high school dance? Make a play for her? SPONGEDICK: Yeah, when we were making out the most she just wanted was for me to help her get her butt plug in. Pearl’s pretty liberated. The problem is, I get big, but I don’t get hard enough for her. PATRICK: Yeah, that’s a problem. [Lightbulb goes off over his head] Hey, hold your horses. I’ve got an idea! SpongeDick, do your absorbent thing. SPONGEDICK [puzzled]: OK. [gets big and yellow] PATRICK: Wahoo, here we go! [picks up SpongeDick, runs to food freezer, throws him in and closes the door] OK, little buddy, 30 minutes in the freezer will get you harder than a bucket of Viagra. [Clock shows 30 minutes passing. Finally, Patrick opens freezer door, pulls out rigid SpongeDick, covered in icicles with a yellow cock sticking out perpendicular to his body. Patrick stands him up and steps back] PATRICK: SpongeDick, you the man! You can bang Pearl ‘til the cows come home [Clicks fingers against cock, making hard metallic sound] Jiminy Christmas, your cock is like a tire iron. Whooo-hoo, watch out Pearl, JohnnyWadd SquarePants coming through! SPONGEDICK [speaking through chattering teeth]: P-p-p-p-atrick, I know I’m h-h-h-h-ard, but I can’t feel anything. I’m numb all over from the c-c-c-c-cold. GARY [goggle eyed]: Meow. PATRICK [squints eyes, looks disappointed]: Well, when did your get so par-tic-u-lar about things? You want to be hard, you want to feel things. Hey, pal, don’t you know you can’t have it all? SPONGEDICK: Maybe I can be a little hard and a little melty, so I can feel what my cock is up to. PATRICK [thinking hard]: Maybe you’re right. Ooooh, maybe I can warm you up a little. [Patrick puts cock in his armpit, flaps elbow up and down in a bird-like motion. Ice melts a little] PATRICK: Hey, this feels pretty good. I think you’re thawing, little buddy. Can you feel anything? SPONGEDICK: A few tingles. Slight urge to thrust my hips. PATRICK: At some point, you’ll achieve a perfect balance of thawing, between hardness and sensitivity. Then – oooh laaa laaa! My armpit feels pretty good, too. SQUIDWARD [walks into room, sees SpongeDick humping Patrick’s armpit, looks exasperated]: Now what is it? Let me guess. SpongeDick stuck his shlong in a freezer for some bizarre reason and now Patrick’s trying to thaw it out. PATRICK: Pretty good guess, Squidward. We’re trying to figure out how SpongeDick can stay hard and sensitive enough to slip the old sponge torpedo into Pearl. GARY [becoming aroused]: Meoooooow. SQUIDWARD: Take from me, boys, Pearl’s going to be pretty unimpressed if SpongeDick fucks her armpit. Don’t you guys know ANYTHING about mammalian anatomy? PATRICK: Hey, man, I’m a starfish with five arms. Armpits are our favorite erogenous zone. Oh, I forgot, squids don’t have erogenous zones. Tooooo bad [chuckles, keeps flapping arm]. SQUIDWARD [rolls eyes upward]: Oh, brother, do I have to show these rustics how to do everything? Why me, Lord, why? [Grabs Patrick, spins him around, bends him over, pulls down pants]. You’re not an exact match for Pearl, Patrick, but you’ll have to do. [Grabs SpongeDick’s cock, aims it at Patrick’s rump]. OK, SpongeDick, start thrusting right here, up Patrick’s cute little tush. Patrick, how does that feel? PATRICK [eyes glazing over, drool dripping from corner of mouth]: Hey, I found a new erogenous zone! Thanks, Squidward, you’re a pal. SPONGEDICK [pushing harder into Patrick]: I . . . think . . . I’m . . . reaching . . . the . . . critical point between being frozen . . . and being . . . sensitive. GARY [bouncing up and down in excitement]: Meoww, Meowww, MEOWWW. SpongeDick [Bucks and grabs Patrick’s hips, starts spinning, comes hard, bursts into song]: Oh, what a beautiful mornin’, Oh what a beautiful day, SpongeDick is comin’ up Patrick, Everything’s goin’ my way! PATRICK [tongue hanging out, big smile on face]: Wow, SpongeDick, this is even more fun that National Free Balloon Day! Now, do my armpit again. GARY [collapses to floor in happy exhaustion]: Meeeooowww. ----- Scene 7 [Setting: office of Krusty Skab. SpongeDick reading local newspaper, the Bikini Bottom “Daily Tongue Bath.”] MR. SKABS: Me boyos, I hear about lots of activities on Project Pearl. SPONGEDICK: Patrick and I are doing daily experiments to find the right balance between penile hardness and sensitivity. PATRICK [flapping arms]: I just flew in from Cleveland and boy my arms are tired. SPONGEDICK [to camera]: We keep finding Patrick’s erogenous zones. PEARL [entering in tight, low-cut waitress costume]: I thought I had lucked out when I met Moby Dick, but it was just Plankton’s latest scheme to get the Skabby Patty recipe. He sure had me fooled for a while. My twat is still itchy. SANDY LABIA [entering office in space suit and breathing helmet. Sounds chipper with thick Texas accent]: Hey, there, fellow sea creatures. Why all the sour pusses? PEARL: I’m trying to lose my virginity. I’m tired of toys, but it’s really hard to find a good cock. SANDY: On the other hand, it’s really good to find a hard cock. SPONGEDICK: That’s what Patrick and I are working on. We don’t have it quite right, yet. SANDY [eyeing voluptuous Pearl in her Krusty Skab waitress uniform]: Why, Pearlie, why don’t we go for a little walk and talk about this here problem, girl to girl? PEARL: That’s cool with me. Here, Patrick, get in touch with your waiter tendencies [throws apron at him]. Dad, I’m sure the place will keep running while I’m out. Let’s hit the road, Sandy. [Pearl and Sandy leave, walk to Sandy’s domed undersea home, where she can take off her oxygen helmet. Pearl, being a mammal, can breathe the air inside. They sit down on a couch.] SANDY: It’s always memorable when a girl loses her cherry. Sometimes it’s hellacious, sometimes more fun than a barrel of walnuts, but it’s always something a gal remembers. PEARL: I want it to be memorable, but nothing’s come along that works. SANDY: Technically, you have a bunch of cherries to lose. Your cunt, your ass, your mouth and, well, your sappho. PEARL: That’s amazing! I always thought you were a virgin until a guy stuck his cock up your twat. SANDY: That’s just a misconception. Pearl, you’re just one big bunch of cherries waiting to be plucked over and over again. PEARL: Do dildos, buttplugs and ben-wha balls count? SANDY: Hell no. That’s just a scrimmage, as we say in Texas. Sex with somebody else – that’s the real football game. PEARL: And what’s your sappho? SANDY [grinning wickedly]: Hell, that’s Homecoming! That’s sex with another girl [reaches out, puts hand on Pearl’s thigh through her flouncy waitress skirt]. You know, Pearl, the way I look at things, only a girl knows how to satisfy another girl. That’s getting in touch with your sappho side. It’s an estrus cycle thing. PEARL: Your hand feels good. And you’re a girl, and I’m a girl. SANDY: That’s right. To be more specific, in our case, only a girl squirrel can figger out what a girl whale really needs. And sister, I don’t think you’ve been getting what you need. PEARL [leans back on couch]: That’s the truth. Uh, what do I need? SANDY: You need to have your big grey nose kissed, first of all [kisses nose]. Second, maybe, just maybe, I can give those sweet little thighs a rub. Bet the boys at BBCC don’t treat you this way. PEARL [pouting]: They’re just a bunch of minnows. I like what you’re doing [closes eyes while Sandy moves her fingers up her legs, massages her thighs, from knee to panties. Sandy looks at Pearl with animal-like lust]. Hey, Sandy, what do you want? Bikini Bottom Gangbang SANDY: Why, I want to be on you like bark on a tree! PEARL: Come here, squirrelly-girlie [grabs Sandy, pulls her on top, kissing her lips passionately. Pearl pulls top up so Sandy can lie between her massive boobs.] SANDY [kissing Pearl’s hardening nipples]: Gosh, you’re a big ‘un with your clothes off, Pearl. And a good one. How does that feel? PEARL: Better than eating a double order of Skabby Patties with a side of onion rings. SANDY: Come to think of it, the eating part is going to come along real soon. PEARL: You’re making me hungry. [Sits up abruptly] Sandy, why don’t you get out of that darned space suit? I wanna see what a fellow sappho looks like. SANDY: Heck, you take it off me! [Pearl stands Sandy up, unzips space suit, pulls it off Pearl. She’s nude underneath, with a petite figure, perky breasts, a firm little ass, all covered in light brown pelt. Pearl is in lust] PEARL: Wow, you’ve got a great body. You’re so fuzzy and I’m so smooth [pulls Sandy to her, tongue-kisses her] SANDY: Yep, we go together like salt and a margarita. Hey, you’re an awfully good kisser. PEARL: I learned something from all those Erica Jong novels. SANDY: Now you can learn at Sandy’s School of Super Sea Sex. Hi, I’m Sandy, I’ll be your teacher today. PEARL [purring]: Hi, I’ll be your student. Some students polish apples, but I like to polish asses. SANDY [wicked gleam in eyes]: Aren’t you the sweet talker. Time for some oral instruction! You just lay yourself back on the couch and let my tongue do the talkin’ for a while. [Pearl reclines on couch, plays with breasts while Sandy removes her skirt and panties. Sandy rubs her cheek against Pearl’s smooth cunt, moves hands lightly over her thighs, kisses her clit] SANDY: Pearl, you are one big-boned gal. I like that [fills her mouth by sucking in Pearl’s clit]. PEARL [running hands over Sandy’s hairy back]: And you’re so little. You fit just right between my legs. And between my pussy lips. SANDY: Shoot, we squirrels are DESIGNED to wiggle around in tight places, and honey, you got one tight place down here. PEARL [puts hand down, feels how wet she’s getting]: I’ll be your slip ‘n slide. SANDY: Get those knees a little wider and I’ll slide right in [slips tongue deep into Pearl’s pussy, feels its warmth and wetness, tastes its salty tang, puts hands under Pearl’s ass]. I think you’re going to be teacher’s pet. [Sandy keeps licking Pearl until she’s rocking back and forth on couch, licking lips, bouncing so hard Sandy is airborne.] PEARL: If this is the Sappho experience, I’m glad I waited! Your tongue feels fantastic! Oh, oh, oh, I can’t hold back any more, Sandy. SANDY [coming up for air]: Who told you to hold back? Let it rip, girl. [Pearl comes with a shout, snapping knees around Sandy. They bounce off Sandy’s couch on to the floor. Pearl squeezes her breasts together, pushes Sandy’s face hard against her cunt. Finally Sandy raises her head, her hair matted down from the cunt juices. She licks her lips, then kisses Pearl’s lips] SANDY: You taste better’n barbeque on the Fourth of July. Right tasty kooch you got there. PEARL: Getting a good squirrel licking is a lot better than toys. SANDY: One don’t exclude the other. PEARL: Now let’s see if I can ace my orals! [Lifts Sandy, drapes Sandy’s legs around her shoulders, begins daintily licking Sandy’s pussy with her big pink tongue] SANDY [sighing]: I’m going to promote you to a graduate assistant. [fade-out with Pearl’s tongue darting in and out of Sandy. Moans, sighs, panting on soundtrack] ----- SCENE 8 [Setting: Return to Krusty Skab offices. SpongeDick puts his finger on a page of the “Daily Tongue Bath.”] SPONGEDICK: Hey, check out this ad. It’s from the Discovery Channel It says, “World famous journalist Geraldo Rivera is looking for segments for his new show, ‘Teenage Underwater Freakazoids.’ If you are wild, wet, and willing, Geraldo wants to hear from you. Remember our slogan: Get paid to get laid.” Hey, Mr. Skabs, maybe Pearl just needs an audience. MR. SKABS [excited]: SpongeDick, what was the last thing you said, get what to get what? SPONGEDICK: “Get paid to get laid.” MR. SKABS: Quick, boy, my phone! [dollar signs appear in eyes as Mr. Skabs rapidly punches numbers. Cue ka-ching, ka-ching sound] I know Pearl will agree with this . . . Hello, Mr. Rivera please. Yes, hello Geraldo, how’s it hanging? This is Mr. Skabs down at Bikini Bottom. I’ve got a great location for your show, ‘Teenage Underwater Freakazoids.’ My daughter Pearl is eager to lose her virginity, and I think she’s lined up a way to turn the trick, so to speak. And you can use my restaurant, the Krusty Skab, for your set. Sounds intriguing? Good, good, now let’s talk turkey . . . . ----- SCENE 9 [Setting: the Krusty Skab restaurant, surrounded by video vans, lights, throngs of fish trying to get in. Interior jammed with tables and film crews. Gigantic bed in center of stage. Famous Journalist stands in safari jacket on the side, speaking to camera] GERALDO: Good evening, and welcome to “Teenage Underwater Freakazoids,” here on the Discovery Channel. Every week, we bring you the best in wacky, watery wildness. We never know what we’ll find, here under the deep blue sea. Tonight we’re broadcasting live from beautiful Bikini Bottom, at the Krusty Skab restaurant, world famous for its Skabby Patties and other fine foods. I’m here because we had a call from the proprietor, Mr. Skabs, alerting me to some pretty freaky possibilities. I’m standing with Mr. Skabs, who’s going to tell us about. MR. SKABS [in tacky tuxedo, positioned so store sign is in background]: That’s right Geraldo. For some time my beautiful daughter Pearl has been angling to lose her virginity. My staff here at the Krusty Skab has been coming up with ideas for her. GERALDO: I take it the local pickings are mighty slim. MR. SKABS: Alas, yes. All the big boys wind up on this [pull down huge fish hook]. One wrong move and it’s off to the fillet factory. The well-hung ones are usually the dumb ones. GERALDO: Not always true, as I can personally testify [turns to camera, flashes dazzling smile]. MR. SKABS: So, our young folks here in Bikini Bottom need to get creative when it comes to satisfying their carnal desires. GERALDO: Which brings us to the Krusty Skab. I must say, in my long and illustrious career, I’ve covered many a strange story, from the death of Elvis to Al Capone’s hidden room to O.J. Simpson to my hand-to-hand combat against the Taliban in Tora Bora. But this is the wildest yet. Let’s talk to some of the other people involved in this special live edition of “Teenage Underwater Freakazoids.” Let’s meet Pearl Skabs, the star of the show [audience claps, cheers]. Pearl, what’s up tonight? PEARL [wearing slinky maroon teddy with matching panties, cleavage bursting from top, hair and make-up freshly done] Well, Geraldo, I’ve thought long and hard about how to lose my virginity. I want it to be special. I’ve got my friends here to help. I find the idea of having sex in front of a national TV audience very erotic. GERALDO: Let me say, right now on live television, I wouldn’t mind becoming a friend of yours, at least for tonight. You look adorable, and I’m a man who knows adorable. PEARL: You’re so sweet. GERALDO: Mind if I check your state of preparation? PEARL: As a matter of fact, I do mind. GERALDO: That sounded like a “yes” to me. [Tries to stick hand down Pearl’s panties. Pearl jumps back, gives him a tremendous slap.] PEARL: Impudent scumbag! I didn’t give you permission to touch my twat! How dare you! What part of “no” don’t you understand? [Pearl walks off] GERALDO [rubbing his sore, bruised cheek]: Oh, well. That gimmick worked when I tried it with Barbara Walters. When you cover the big stories, sometimes there’s danger involved. Putting your life on the line goes with the territory of major-league journalism, Geraldo-style. Next, I’d like to introduce one of Pearl’s special friends, Mr. SpongeDick SquarePants [Patrick carries out frozen SpongeDick, wearing tighty whity underwear with enormous bulge in front. Gary follows behind]. SPONGEDICK: H-h-h-h-e-l-l-o, Geral-d-d-d-d-o. GERALDO: SpongeDick, my man, ready to lay some pipe tonight? I hear you’ve got a special sex technique guaranteed to drive Pearl wild. SPONGEDICK: That’s the p-p-p-lan. GERALDO: Now this is your friend Patrick? PATRICK: That’s right. SpongeDick’s my bestest buddy. And I’m his fluffer. GERALDO: While a worldly individual such as myself knows what that means, tell our audience, please, what a fluffer does. PATRICK: Sure. I put SpongeDick in the freezer. When he’s good and hard, I take him out and thaw him until he’s not too hot, not too cold. GERALDO: In technical terms, you thaw him until he’s “just right”? PATRICK: That’s right. Here’s how I do it. [pulls SpongeDick’s cock out of his underwear slips it under his armpit]. Yeah, OK, feelin’ good there, SpongeDick. Wanna help out, Geraldo? GERALDO [aghast]: I’ll hold off, champ, I don’t want to knock your rhythm off. [thinks to himself: Bill O’Reilly does that to me all the time, anyway] Speaking of rhythm, I’m told our next guest is a great rhythm ‘n blues musician, Squidward. Let’s have a hand for Mr. Squidward! [audience claps, cheers, as Squidward comes on camera in Blues Brothers regalia, wearing dark sunglasses and porkpie hat, carrying his clarinet]. SQUIDWARD [beaming]: You’re too kind, thank you, thank you all. GERALDO: You’re laying down some heavy grooves here in the love shack, I do believe. SQUIDWARD: Yes, I’m Mr. Soundtrack. I’ve got some very soulful Kenny G. style tunes on the playlist. Watch out, Barry White! GERALDO: Guaranteed to make the panties moist and the cocks crow. All right [shoves Squidward off camera]. Finally, we’ve got Pearl’s own aide-de-cramp – little joke, don’t get offended girls – Sandy Labia. Let’s have a round of applause for Sandy. [Sandy walks on camera, waving, wearing a cowboy hat on her underwater helmet] SANDY: Howdy Geraldo, ready to party tonight? GERALDO: Locked and loaded. But we’re here to talk about you guys, not me, at least for a while. What’s your role tonight? SANDY: Why, Geraldo, a southern lady like me doesn’t kiss and tell before she’s even done with the kissin’. Let’s just say my role is to rock ‘n roll with Pearl. GERALDO: Pearl and the Squirrel, ready to make midnight magic here in bewitching Bikini Bottom. And Geraldo is here, on top of the story, and, if things work out right, on top of Pearl. Let’s settle in and enjoy whatever develops here on “Teenage Underwater Freakazoids,” on the Discovery Channel! [Lights dim, Squidward stands at side of bed and begins to tootle ghastly easy-listening music. Mr. Skabs goes to office to count money. Audience begins to chant] AUDIENCE: We want Pearl, we want Pearl! [Pearl enters from stage left in slinky maroon and white nightie, already turned on. Lies on bed, propped up on pillows] PEARL: I’m so happy you’re all here to share this special moment with me. How do I look? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Like a fox! [general laughter] PEARL: That music is very relaxing. And it’s getting me turned on, too. [Patrick carries out SpongeDick, frozen solid. Cock is long and yellow, sticking out from underwear. Patrick bends SpongeDick so he’s sitting on bed, then puts armpit around cock] PATRICK: Fluffing is lots of fun. It’s helped me get in touch with my erogenous zones. PEARL [watching SpongeDick begin to thaw and move]: You know, Patrick, watching you work on SpongeDick is getting me horny. I never knew armpit fucking could be so hot. [runs hands down sides of nightie, tickles inside of thighs] PATRICK: I’ll do anything for my buddies. Like they say, what goes around comes around. And when SpongeDick comes, watch out, world! How you doing there, pal? SPONGEDICK [flexing arms and legs, feeling cock pulsing]: Great fluffing, Patrick. I’m getting that tingling feeling all over. How hard am I? PATRICK: Somewhere between a baseball bat and a section of rebar. How’s the rest checking out? SPONGEDICK: Time to slip into teenage underwater freakazoid mode [stands up, stretches, walks over to Pearl]. Hi, Pearlie girlie, you’re looking nice tonight. PEARL [daubing perfume on nipples]: This is fun. You and me and the gang and 100 million in TV land. PATRICK: Let’s give ‘em a show they’ll remember, right Geraldo? GERALDO: You know what to do, guys. Get it up, get it on, get it in, get it off, and get it out. It looks like you’re ready to move past the first stage. PEARL: I’ll be the judge of what happens when. Come here, SpongeStud. [SpongeDick leans over Pearl, kisses her lips. He unties bow at top of her nightie. It falls open, letting her breasts spring into the open. Audience oohs and aahs. He smells the perfume she daubed on her now-throbbing nipples. Drips from his melting body fall on Pearl’s boobs, making them shiny and moist. Pearl slips fingers into front of SpongeDick’s underwear, finding his cock. She plays with him through the fabric. He reaches out and encircles her nipples with his fingers] PEARL: What have I found in your pants? I believe I’ve discovered a new species of sponge, the SpongeRod. I didn’t know something frozen could feel so warm. SPONGEDICK: The magic of imagination. You smell so good, Pearl, and there’s so much to smell [puts head between her heaving breasts, inhales]. Better than a stovetop of Skabby Patties. PEARL: You’re getting the Skabby daughter special. Hey, look at this [pulls yellow cock out of underwear]. You’re so massive. All that fluffing made you a champion. Are you a sea creature, or a horse? SPONGEDICK: a seahorse, ready for a ride! PEARL: You need to run free and wild, honey [pulls underwear down; SpongeDick steps out, lies down beside her]. Rub that big yellow hammer against me. [SpongeDick lies beside Pearl. They start kissing. She keeps her nightie top on. They wrap their arms around each other. SpongeDick runs his hands over her back through the silky material. Pearl sticks her tongue in SpongeDick’s ear] SPONGEDICK: Golly, Pearl, your tongue is giving me goosebumps. How’d you learn about that? PEARL: Natural talent. Now put your talent to work [Pearl rolls over so they are spooning. SpongeDick pulls nightie up, nibbles on her shoulder, rubs hands on her ass]. Oh, Spongie, you’re the fry cook of my dreams. Rub your love spatula on my hot oily girl griddles! GERALDO: Ladies and gentlemen, this is shaping up to be an incredible TV event. Look to Geraldo for unique TV. Objectivity be damned, I’m not ashamed to say I find this a terrific turn-on. Cameraman, pull back, will you [camera pulls back, shows Geraldo with giant bulge in pant]. Look at that folks, real arousal, real manmeat, still the master woodsman after all these years. But is SpongeDick a serious challenger to the love throne? Let’s take a look. [SpongeDick slips his hands into Pearl’s panties, caressing her ass. He’s steaming a bit as he thaws. Camera pulls up close to him pulling down her panties and spreading her asscheeks. Pearl closes eyes, reaches back to give SpongeDick a squeeze. He’s getting slightly squishy.] GERALDO: Pearl’s certainly enjoying herself, and SpongeDick’s still priming the pump. Ho-ho, what have we here? [Camera pans to side of bed, where Sandy is stripping off her space suit. The inside of her helmet is steamy from her panting. Pearl, with SpongeDick still behind her, reaches out and pulls Sandy to her] PEARL: Oh, Sandy, come join us. I wanna taste of that tight little squirrel twat of yours [wraps arms around Sandy’s shoulders, begins licking Sandy’s hard brown nipples with her big pink tongue. Sandy wraps arms around Pearl’s head, throws a leg over her torso. SpongeDick sees Sandy joining, becomes even more excited] SANDY: Yee-haw, ride ‘em, cowgirl. This is more fun than the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo! [holds breast, guides it into Pearl’s mouth]. They big enough for you, Pearl honey? PEARL [smacking lips, rolling tongue around nipple]: Right size, right girl, right taste. I’m just getting warmed up. SPONGEDICK: Well I’m getting warmed up plenty. I’m going to hit the perfect balance before long. PEARL [panting with excitement]: I’m feeling awfully on the edge right now. Let’s all rotate! SPONGEDICK: As in, sit on it and rotate? [all three laugh, along with audience] PEARL: That’s the right idea, SpongeStud. [Pearl rolls over on back, whips off panties, spreads legs. Nightie falls open, her shining breasts point skyward. She picks up Sandy and holds her above her face, so Sandy’s cunt juices dribble down on her] OK, SpongeDick, I’m ready for you to stick your eggbeater into me and give me the fucking I need. Ready for some tongue gymnastics, Sandy? SANDY: Any more ready and you’d have to sew my pelt back on me. GERALDO: Mr. Squidward, strike up the band! Play that funky music, invertebrate boy. [Squidward and Patrick wander over. Squidward switches from Kenny G. tunes to Donna Summer’s “Love to Love You, Baby” with Patrick on vocals] GERALDO: Go, SpongeDick, go. [SpongeDick positions cock in front of Pearl’s spread cunt lips glowing with arousal. He inhales to get her cunt scent, making his yellow cock bigger than ever] SPONGEDICK: Hold on, Pearl, I’m going in [slips cock into Pearl] PEARL: I’m getting so wet I can’t stand it. Finally, finally, it feels sooooooo nice in me at least. Fuck me good, Spongie. SANDY: Don’t ferget me, Pearl [lowers cunt to Pearl’s face] PEARL: Never ever, Sandy Labia. Let me prove it [Pearl’s long tongue licks Sandy’s petite cunt from her clit back to her ass and back, then glides between her pussy lips] SANDY: Sweet mother of pearl that feels fine. [Camera pulls back to show SpongeDick pounding Pearl steadily. He supports himself on his arms to he can look down and see his cock pistoning in and out of her. Sandy cups her breasts and throws her head back as Pearl holds Sandy over her face and licks her pussy devilishly. Sandy’s little legs are wrapped around Pearl’s strong arms, which hold Sandy at the hips. All three are moaning and squirming. Squidward and Patrick play and sing, urging them on. At edge of camera, Geraldo has hand in pants, playing with himself] GERALDO: A television first . . . freakazoid TV at its finest . . . ratings through the roof . . . Eat this Bill O’Reilly . . . Losing all sense of journalistic objectivity . . . where’s Connie Chung when I need her? PEARL: I’m getting tingly all over. SANDY: Me, too. SPONGEDICK: I feel a tidal wave starting around me toes. I think that means . . . PEARL: Harder, SpongeDick, I think the dough’s starting to rise in my oven. SANDY: Keep that tongue a’going. [SpongeDick pounds in and out, arches his yellow back. Pearl’s hips begin to twitch and her nipples poke out even more. Pearl drills her tongue in and out of Sandy, who waves her arms in the air like a windmill] SPONGEDICK: Uh-oh, hold on tight, Pearl. PEARL: Oh, oh, oh. SANDY: Yee-haw, it’s Juneteen in my britches! [All three are on the verge of exploding. Bed bounces furiously. Squidward jumps from tentacle to tentacle, playing wildly. Patrick sings “love to love you” like a banshee] SANDY: What’s that smell? SPONGEDICK: That smelly smell? SANDY: Yeah, that smelly smell that . . . SPONGEDICK: Smells smelly? SPONGEDICK AND SANDY [together]: Pearl’s coming!! [Sandy comes first, gushing over Pearl’s nose and cheeks; SpongeDick squirts into Pearl; the more he comes the closer he shrinks back to his normal size. Pearl comes with a shriek, with buckets of cunt juices blasting out of her on to the floor, knocking Geraldo off his feet. Gary jumps out of the way of the flood. Pearl rocks back and forth, pressing SpongeDick onto her cunt so he’s practically flat. Audience cheers as all three flail and moan in orgasmic delight. Finally, all three collapse in a panting heap. Juice dribbles out of Pearl, as Geraldo crawls on hands and knees to edge of bed to rub face in it. Camera pulls back to show Geraldo crawling up to Pearl, pants around ankles, rubbing his cock] Bikini Bottom Gangbang GERALDO: Hey, Pearl, sloppy seconds for your old pal Geraldo? PEARL: Go fuck a pufferfish, old pal. But thanks for bringing your show here. Be sure to pay my dad on the way out. PATRICK: After all this stimulation, my armpits are hot and bothered. Ever do it with starfish, Geraldo, old buddy? [flaps arms seductively] GERALDO [enthusiastically stepping out of pants]: I’ve heard of starfucking, but never starfishfucking. Hey, like we used to say in Tora Bora, any port in a storm. That’s what you get with Geraldo television, unpredictability squared. [Geraldo and Patrick move off-camera for armpit sex. Film crew packs up, audience leaves as Sandy and SpongeDick snuggle against Pearl.] PEARL: I could use some extra love juice, SpongeDick. Let’s see what you’ve got left [picks him up, wrings him out to get a few more drops of come to rain into her mouth. Gently places him on her stomach] Ah, good to the last drop. SPONGEDICK: I’ve been squeezed dry. SANDY: I’ve been well and truly whale-fucked. I’ve got a whale of a tale to tell. PEARL: Sandy, you’ve got the tail I love to whale on. SPONGEDICK: Pearl, you’re finally a woman. How does it feel to lose your cherry to SpongeRod? PEARL: Better than chocolate – but you and Sandy can put chocolate on my cherries any time you want. Between the two of you, I’m getting the gourmet treatment. Yummm, yumm. Hey, how’s this for the dessert course [picks up SpongeDick, begins to mop up puddles of her cunt juice]. Spongie, You’re so adorably absorbent and porous and yellow. I like that in a lover. [Gives him a squeeze] Seems to me like you're ready for the second sitting. SPONGEDICK [starting to swell as he absorbs Pearl’s come puddles]: Pearlie, I’m beginning to catch your idea. Quick, take me to the freezer! GARY: Meowww.