1 comments/ 16972 views/ 1 favorites The New Owners - 03 March By: Sickman Wed, Mar 1, 00 I almost forgot Margaret tonight. I guess I have been leaving work earlier than normal recently like around 6 every night so I can get home at a good time and I... actually, I guess maybe I was just too eager to go make tea. So I was 10 minutes late and when I was driving there I realized I had not told Trish that I wouldn't be home until later and wondering if she would be upset and if I should go down when I got home or just skip tonight. Which started me thinking that I don't think Trish said "See you tomorrow" last night and I don't even think the night before that. Which means I am just going over cause I want to. I mean, I do want to but its not like I can pretend she is asking me to. So by the time I got to Margaret's I was all worried about that and just couldn't get into the session so she just did some energy work. On the drive home I decided that I should just skip going down tonight. She did not say I should and it was after 8:00 and she probably wouldn't feel like tea. It just feels stupid to be knocking on her door a 8:30 to make her tea. If he was working tonight Ryan will be home in an hour and she will be making their dinner. Thu, Mar 2, 00 Trish was very cross that I didn't go down last night. I told her I had an appointment but she just said I should have gone down afterward. Then she asked me if I didn't think I should apologize. Just like I was a bad child. I know I blushed and got that horrible exciting feeling and I was so busy thinking about my hoo-hoo that I didn't answer so I could be even more embarrassed. Finally she said "Well...?" and I managed to tell her was sorry. I really like it when she makes me feel like a naughty little girl. When I was boiling the water I checked and found that my panties were completely soaked. She was wearing an even shorter skirt then last time and all I could think about the whole time I was doing her feet was what she would say if she caught me peeking up it. I didn't do it, but it was SO hard not to especially because she didn't even try to keep her legs together. It really is as if she can read my mind sometimes. Like she knew what I was thinking last time and was daring me to today. And it is hard to find somewhere else to look when you know you are not supposed to look someplace. I don't think I looked her in the face the whole time because I would have had move my eyes past "there" to do it so I just concentrated on her feet. When I came back upstairs there was a message from Nancy asking if we are still on for dinner tomorrow night. I had completely forgotten. I never forget dates and here I have forgotten two in two days. Anyway, I knew I couldn't just not show up Trish's tomorrow after last night so I had to go down and tell her I would be out. Only she laughed at me and asked if I was asking her permission to go out which made me blush and get embarrassed which always makes me tongue tied. I told her I was just letting her know but she said "Yes, Marilyn, you may go out tomorrow night" in this totally condescending tone that made me mad. I DON'T need to have her permission to go out for dinner. So I just said good night again and started up stairs until she said "Oh Marilyn?" I know now when she does this that she is going to humiliate me somehow, so that horrible embarrassment came flooding over me in an instant while I stopped and turned back, waiting for it. "Don't you think you should thank me? For giving you the night off?" Why does she think I need her permission? How does she know that I won't just tell her to go to Hell? I wanted to. Oh, I wanted to so badly. But my mouth just would not say the words. And after a minute or so of standing there like an idiot I just had to say something so I did it. I said "Thank you". And in that same condescending tone she said "Your welcome, Marilyn. Have a good night, Marilyn" and closed the door. I don't understand what is happening. What does she want? How can she think I need her permission to go out? Fri, Mar 3, 00 Had dinner with Nancy but all she did was complain about work and I kept wishing I had stayed at home and was sitting at Trish's feet with her laughing at me. G_d, I'm pathetic. Sat, Mar 4, 00 Spent most of the day making an upside-down cake to take tonight. I had to run out to get pineapple and cherries and then when I actually started I didn't have enough flour so I had to go out again. Now I am just waiting to go down. I hate this waiting when you are all ready and there is not time to get into anything. I totally have butterflies wondering what is going to happen. What I want to do is go use Kendal but I better not. Beside, in a way it is better to not be able to. It makes me want to more. I will just save it for after dinner. I wish I knew what to expect tonight. I am so nervous my palms are sweating and I have that ringing in my ears that I get when I am stressed. What if she makes me serve them dinner? I am supposed to go down at 6 so I wonder if I will have to serve tea before dinner. Oh this is crazy. I am just making myself crazy wondering. I think I had better go watch tv. ___ Oh G_d I knew she was going to do something! As soon as we sat down to dinner Trish asked me if I was seeing any one and then asked me why not. Like what was I supposed to say? That I am totally plain, horribly shy and afraid of being hurt? And they were both sitting there waiting for an answer. I just said I hadn't met anyone. Then she asked me what happened to my last boy friend so I told her about how Kendal had left me for someone else. Then she asked me how long it had been. G_d I didn't want to answer. I just knew they would think it was pathetic. It is pathetic. But I didn't think she would make such a big deal of it! She kept saying "Fourteen years?!" like it was the most unbelievable thing she had ever heard and making me feel about two inches tall. "Fourteen years? I hope you have gotten laid since then!" she said sort of as a joke. I started to lie but I didn't know if I could be convincing and just that moment of hesitation and she said "You haven't, have you?" Well that was already enough and I was hating myself that I had gone and then she said that it was no wonder I use my vibrator so much! Oh my G_d, I wanted to die right there. I wanted to run away. Or crawl under the table. Anything so I wouldn't have to sit there with them looking at me blush! It was bad enough that she said it, but in front of Ryan! I mean, I had thought about it, but I really didn't think they could hear! And I was stuck there. We had only just started dinner and I sure couldn't eat. I couldn't look at either of them either so I just sat looking at my plate. And she just kept talking. Making it worse. She said they had figured out that was what made their tv go funny. And that they could hear it at night. Like she should talk about making noise! And then asked if I have a name for it! Oh G_d, I still can't believe she asked that. I felt like a trapped animal. The room was suddenly about a thousand degrees and my ears were ringing so bad I couldn't hear and I was shaking. I felt like a bad little girl sitting in front of Mommy and Daddy. I looked up at Ryan, I think hoping he would save me, but he was smiling at me his eyes laughing while I squirmed. I wanted to just get up and leave but I thought that would make me look even more stupid. I mean, the fact was they are right, it is pathetic that I have not had a date since first year university and it is pathetic that I have named my vibrator after the only boyfriend I have ever had. But they have no right to laugh about it. Or maybe they do. Maybe anyone would if they knew. About Kendal, I mean. But it doesn't make it very nice. She even joked about borrowing it. Oh yeah, and after she joked about me having a name for it I guess she could tell from my reaction and she said "Holy shit, you DO have a name for it, don't you?" and start laughing at me and said that if she had used a vibrator for 14 years she would probably have a name for it too. It was cruel. She could see perfectly well how uncomfortable I was but she just kept on and on. Even when she started talking about something else she still made fun of me, saying no desert for me until I had finished my dinner. Like I was the least bit hungry. I felt like throwing up. But they had both finished and she acted like she really expected me to finish my spaghetti so I sat eating alone while they watched and she talked. She never stops talking. I really felt like a bad kid. I don't know how I got through the whole thing without crying. I sure am crying now though. I am bawling my eyes out. The page is wet and I can still hear them screwing next door. Sun, Mar 5, 00 They are driving me crazy! They were making so much noise this morning that I couldn't stand it and went to visit Mom and Dad and now I just got home and lay down for a good cry and they have just started again! I suppose I could go into the living room, but I have a right to be in my own bedroom, darn it! I think he is going down on her. She talks different when he does that. I wonder what that feels like. She makes it sound awesome, but then she makes everything sound awesome. Damnit, I am not going to listen. I am just going to write in my journal and to hell with them. I felt miserable all day. I couldn't get to sleep for a long time last night cause I was too upset. Normally I would have used Kendal to feel better but now she has ruined that for me. About 2:30 I was just so desperate I even tried using my wrist but that only got me more and more frustrated until I was crying while I was doing it. Okay, you bitch! I think the whole neighbourhood knows that "it feels so fucking good when he licks your c---". Just shut up! Nobody cares! It is SO fake. I mean, nothing could feel THAT good. Could it? I can't even believe he does that for her. Its gross. Its different giving a bj. I mean, that is a little gross, but not like putting your tongue in there. Ewww. Where was I? I thought about last night all day over and over. She had no right. I can't believe that after what she did to me last night she still had the nerve to stop me on my way in and ask me if I was going to make her tea. I told her I didn't feel like it. She said she was sorry if she had upset me yesterday. Yeah, I'll bet she's sorry. If she is so sorry then why did she do it? "Oh gee, I thought you wanted me to completely humiliate you in front of my husband". I hate her. She has even ruined the wall for me because I hate her so much. He is fucking her now and all it is making me is angry. She keeps telling him how good it feels to have his huge cock inside her, over and over and over. I think she knows I am listening and is trying to make me jealous. If that's what she wanted I guess it worked, cause I am jealous. I am jealous and angry and I feel like a total loser. Damn it. I can't. I don't want to get excited but I can't help it. I just found myself playing with myself for the second time. You are so stupid. Just leave. But I can't. She wants me to. I can hear it. But I won't. I certainly am not going Oh, I think he is coming. Yeah, that was it. It sure stops quick after he comes. Great, now I am wide awake and can't use Kendal. I guess that is stupid since they don't care what I can hear but it just seems more embarrassing that I am doing it alone. Like she is a winner because she has him to fuck her and I am a loser because I have to do it myself. Yeah, well if the shoe fits, Marilyn. Oh I don't know. It was just too much. And I don't like it in front of Ryan. I like it when it is just the two of us. Its like it's not real if no one else sees it or something. But one things for sure, I don't think I want to go down there anymore. I don't even know how I can face them. I think I may have to move. Mon, Mar 6, 00 I was awake until 2:00 last night. I tried with my finger but that is just so gross. I used my wrist for a while which makes me feel like when I was little, but it just made it worse so I finally ended up going in the living room and using Kendal under my duvet so I think they couldn't hear. G_d, I feel so stupid hiding it like this but its better then having them know every time I do it. Felt depressed all day again today. Maybe I think I will go to a movie later. The thing is everything they were saying is true, I just don't like people knowing about it or saying it. I know I am a loser with a boring life, but I don't need strangers laughing about it. I don't want to think about it. But it is like they have made me look at how pathetic my life is. When I got home tonight I had a total meltdown because I wanted to use Kendal like I always used to. G_d I so looked forward to that all day when I am stressed. Its the only way I can enjoy my evening is to have that quick release and just let all the stress go. It was just part of my routine and I hate when I can't do my routine. I ended up doing it in the living room under the duvet any way but instead of relaxing me it just made me mad cause I have to hide. ___ She just came up and asked if I would come down for tea. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea. She said again that she was really sorry she had upset me and that she promised she would be nice and that Ryan would not be home until 9:30 so it would just be the two of us and she really missed our "little tea parties" and she just kept asking until I said 'yes' and went down with her wondering who was going to make it. She asked me if I "would mind" while she went to check on Alyssa. Nice of her to ask, but I still ended up making the tea. I even put two cups on the tray, but by the time the tea was ready I decided to put one back and went out to be her servant. I like being her servant. I know I felt happy while I was rubbing her feet that we hadn't lost that. I even snuck a few little peaks up her skirt. hee hee. I couldn't see much but it gets her back for being so mean. Went to see American Beauty just because it has so many Oscar nominations. Everybody has been raving about it but I just thought it was okay. It seemed kind of pointless. Maybe I was just not in the mood. Now its 11:45, I am not at all tired and I need to get to sleep and I can't use Kendal in my own bed because the neighbours might hear and make fun of me. Grrrr. I guess its out to the stupid living room. Tue, Mar 7, 00 If she had any idea of the stupid things I do she would laugh so hard. I must have stood in the hall way for five minutes and started to come back up stairs I don't know how many times. She never said "See you tomorrow" yesterday, so was I supposed to go down? I knew I was, and I even wanted to, but it is so hard when she hasn't told me to. It is a lot easier to do what I am told then to just go. Anyway, when I finally made myself knock she was very nice so maybe she learned that I won't put up with her being really mean like on Saturday. When I was rubbing her feet she asked me why I like doing it and I didn't know what to tell her. I don't know why I like it, I just do. I couldn't very well tell her that it makes me feel pathetic and that that turns me on. I just said I didn't know. Then she asked me if I was a "lezbo". I told her "no" and I really don't think I am. I was actually thinking about that a couple of days ago, I guess after I thought he was going down on her, and the more I thought about it the more I thought that if I was lesbian I would want to do that, and I certainly don't. I mean, I think about it sometimes when I am using Kendal and need something gross to think about, but always about being forced to do it. I don't ever WANT to. I think it is because I find it so gross that the idea of being forced to turns me on. Well I certainly wasn't gong to tell her THAT so I just told her I wasn't and that I thought it was really gross. She said that was good because she wouldn't want a lezbo touching her. I am glad I am not. Anyway, then she asked if I just "get off" on doing nice things for her. Well that is basically it, so I shrugged and said "yes". And she leaned forward and patted me on the head and said "Good girl"! Like a child or a dog! It was like this electric shiver went through me. It made me very aware of the way I kneel at her feet and I felt embarrassed the way she treats me, but I was also felt REALLY happy that I had pleased her. I mean REALLY happy. It seems silly how happy such a little thing made me, but it did. I also got that tight excited feeling in my stomach that I get when I am getting turned on from being made fun of. Then, instead of taking her hand away, she grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled me toward her so I was off balance, tipping my head back so I had to look up at her! Oh my G_d! I got so turned on/excited/embarrassed I think I was shaking. There was something so perfect about it that I wanted to cry. It was a totally frightening wonderful feeling that she could have asked anything of me right then and I would have done it. After a few moments of looking down at me, smirking, she said, "Well, I guess I will just have to find more nice things for you to do for me. Won't I?" She seemed to want me to answer but there was no way I could talk. I was so excited I could barely breathe, so I just nodded. Then she put me back down and patted my head again and told me I was a good girl again and I started crying. I don't know why. It certainly wasn't because I was sad. I guess just emotional release. That just made her pet my head more which felt so good that I just cried more. It felt so good to be bawling like a little girl while she patted me like one, but after a while I just had to get out of there so I told her I had to go and sort of ran out. She asked me to babysit for her Friday night. Oh well, I didn't have plans anyway. Wed, Mar 8, 00 Trish wants me to stop going to Margaret. She likes her tea earlier. And the thing is, I am starting to think I am wasting my time and money anyway. We spent the whole time talking about stupid stuff and she has no idea that last night I was crying from happiness because my landlady had me on my knees pulling my hair. But I have been going to Margaret for so long it would be weird to not have her to talk to. Plus how would I tell her? She was playing with Alyssa while I was doing her feet and her skirt got all bunched up so I could totally see her panties and her thighs were spread a little. I don't know why I want to look, but I do. I think it is just because I know I shouldn't. Especially after last night. I tipped my head so she could not see my eyes and just stared at it. It makes me totally grossed out but I kept looking. It made me feel so perverted and dirty. Why does that turn me on so much. Part of it is cause I kept picturing how disgusted she would be with me if she knew. Thu, Mar 9, 00 Ryan answered and I didn't want to make tea with him there so I didn't know what to do. So I just told him I thought he would be working and did not want to intrude and to tell Trish I had come down. I wish he worked regular Some one is coming upstairs. I think its her. ___ Oh G_d, I have to be more careful. She came up to see if I would make tea for her up here and the first thing she says is "what are you doing" like it is any of her business. I told her "writing" and she just walked into my apartment asking if I would make her tea and when she saw my book she asked what I was writing. I should have told her it was none of her damned business but I just said "my journal" and I think I almost ran to grab it so she couldn't. I think I would have just died if she had read any of this. I am going to have to make sure I put it away from now on. I hope it did not look too obvious the way I grabbed it and went and put it in my bedroom. I think it may have looked like I had something to hide. Which I do, but I don't want her to know that. Then while I was putting it away she laughed and said "it can't be a very exciting journal" OH! How dare she! I was just so mad I wanted to scream. So much for her being nice to me. I guess she can only manage to be nice for 3 days! I almost said something when I came back but I just wanted to get off the topic of my journal so I didn't dare. But I was still mad so I just made her her damned tea and made her ask me to rub her feet and I didn't do a very good job, either. The New Owners - 03 March Fri, Mar 10, 00 I didn't make tea today. She was going out for dinner with a friend. Trish wants me to spend the whole day down there tomorrow, "helping her with some things." I am nervous about what that means. Rented The Cider House Rules and loved it! Sat, Mar 11, 00 Oh my G-d! I just masturbated on the phone with Trish! How am I going to face her? I think she was mad when she found out what I was doing so I know she will say something tomorrow. Oh G_d, what was I thinking? I wasn't thinking! That's the problem. I went down at 11:30 like she told me to and Ryan was just leaving. As soon as he was gone she said "make me some coffee" like I was her slave. I get mad when she treats me like that, but then I go do what she tells me and start feeling pathetic because I let her treat me that way and then I start wanting her to treat me worse. Well today she did. I brought her her coffee and she asked me to tidy the living room. At first I just stood there. Like I wasn't able to move. Then she said that she thought I enjoyed doing nice things for her and didn't I think it would be a nice thing to tidy up her living room so she would not have to. It still took a bit of coaxing but eventually I just did it. I started picking up all Alyssa's toys, blushing and wanting to cry, while she drank her coffee and read a magazine. Then Alyssa started crying and she asked me to go check on her. I got sort of mad at that. Cleaning her living room was humiliating but changing Alyssa's diaper just seemed like I was doing her work because she was too lazy. But I did it and then brought her out to be with Trish, and went and brought the coffee out to refill her cup and then finished cleaning. Then I watched Alyssa while Trish went and took a shower. Then she told me to put a load of laundry on. I think that is when I realized I would be doing housework all day. I did her laundry and vacuumed and made her lunch and washed the floors and cleaned the bathroom. I spent the whole time mad that she was making me do all this and hating/loving that I was doing it. I think the worst was when I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor. She came and leaned in the doorway watching me and when I looked up she was smiling and shaking her head like she just could not believe I was doing it. Why not, I couldn't believe it either,. But it made feel even more ridiculous than I already did. She asked if I enjoyed doing it and I told her 'no', but then she asked me then why was I doing it? Did I just like doing nice things for her? That was what she said the other day. I barely got any sleep last night worrying about what she meant by 'nice things'. I mean, she said she was glad I was not a lesbian but I still kept thinking she might mean something a lot different than cleaning her house. I was really glad that all she wanted was cleaning, but I was also really mad that she was treating me like her maid. I was mad at her and mad at myself for doing it and hating myself for not just leaving, I don't know how many times I almost left but didn't but the whole time I was also thinking about Kendal and couldn't wait to get home to use him. I don't think it is really even sexual excitement. Having her treat me like that just makes me feel so bad about myself that I am dying to go and make myself feel better. When I was finished everything else I had to make her tea and rub her feet. Like she has had such a rough day! When she finished her tea she thanked me for all my help and said I could leave as soon as I had washed up the tea things. As soon I got in I grabbed Kendal. I had been wanting it so much all day. But as soon as I started the phone rang and it was Trish saying "Well that didn't take long, did it." At first I thought she just meant all my cleaning, but she was laughing and then said she timed me and it was 38 seconds from the time I left to when she heard my vibrator. All of a sudden my heart was pounding and I had that same feeling that I wanted to run away, only there was no where to run because I was already home. She said that it was not as loud as usual and asked if I was hiding in the living room so she wouldn't hear. When I didn't answer she asked again, and then again very firmly saying my name the way she does when I am not doing what she wants. Like she is very disappointed and cross. Sort of threatening. So I told her 'yes' and that just turned me on so much. It felt so dirty to be on the phone sitting with my skirt up and my legs spread admitting that I had been masturbating, and that just turned me on more. I wanted to get off the phone so I could turn Kendal back on but it was so humiliating having her on the phone that I didn't want to hang up either. So I just used my wrist over my skirt. She said that cleaning her house must really turn me on and then asked if it did and then kept asking it until I told her it did. I think I was using Kendal without power by then, I wanted it so badly. At some point I was so turned on I even started using him inside. It was awful and wonderful all at the same time. She kept talking at me asking things like did I get turned on cleaning her bathroom floor and did I feel silly hiding in my living room to masturbate and each time she would keep asking until I said 'yes' and I kept pushing Kendal in harder so it was really hurting but feeling so good, too. Then in this really disgusted voice she said "Are you masturbating right now while I am talking to you?! Are you?" Well that just made me do it even harder and feel absolutely horrible, but she kept asking until finally I said 'yes' and she said that was absolutely disgusting and that I should be ashamed of myself and I think that is when phone slipped and fell on the floor. But I just kept going. It felt so good to hurt myself with Kendal. Like it made everything else go away or okay or something. When I finally stopped I was so ashamed I just hung up. I have no idea if I made any noise or not but just the idea that she was listening to me and thought it was disgusting made it so strong. When I am like that, I don't care how disgusting or stupid I am, it just feels so good and so right. After I hung up I used Kendal to come. The phone rang again but I wouldn't answer it, but just knowing she was calling, that she knew I was doing it again turned me on so much that I came right away. But now I keep picturing trying to look her in the eye and having her laughing at me and I don't know how I am going to do it. But thinking about it and writing all this is turning me on again. Sun, Mar 12, 00\ Spent all day doing the things I was supposed to do yesterday like groceries and laundry. ___ Trish just came up to ask me to babysit for her on Wednesday. I told her I have an appointment every Wednesday, but she kept asking so I told her I would think about it. She said she would do something special for me if I did, but she didn't say what so I am not really sure I would want it. I wonder what it is. Mon, Mar 13, 00 She's kidnapped Kendal! Trish called the second I got in and told me she wanted me to bring my vibrator to tea.! G_d, I thought I was sick! I almost didn't do it, but I did. (after cleaning him THOROUGHLY!) I think this is the first time I walked IN to her place embarrassed. And then as soon as I did she asked his name! She already knew about Kendal and it is just so pathetic that I named my vibrator after him that I couldn't tell her. I just stood there shaking wishing I named him Brad or Johnny or something. But when she stepped really close and pulled my hair so I had to look up at her, I told her. There is something about when she pulls my hair that I would do, well not anything but a whole lot more than I want to. Well she really laughed when I told her and she told me it was really sad. She told me to put him on the table and make her tea. After that it was just like usual until I was ready to leave. I just as I was about to pick him up she told me, "No Marilyn, Kendal is going to stay here tonight." At first I thought she must be joking but I knew from her tone she wasn't. She said it is my punishment for "jerking off" on the phone. So now I am in my apartment and she has my vibrator! G_d, I hope she doesn't show it to Ryan. Or USE it! Eeeww! The weird thing is that I kind of like the idea that she is punishing me. I mean, I would rather he was here than down there but it does make me feel like a naughty girl. Like I have been sent to bed without my dessert. The only problem is that that turns me on and I don't have Kendal. Tue, Mar 14, 00 When I went over to make tea there was a woman there. A big black woman named Shona. I almost left as soon as I saw her, but Trish said it was alright. Then she asked if I would mind making them some tea. She has not asked that nicely in weeks. But it still meant I had to bring in the tea tray and pour it for them like the maid. They just kept talking like I wasn't there, but then Trish started pushing at her shoe with her other foot like she was going to take it off and I saw she was looking at me. I panicked. There was just no WAY I was going to do that with her friend there and I shook my head to tell her so. Luckily she just laughed and asked Shona if she wanted more tea. After they were done and I cleaned the dishes, Trish said "That will be all for tonight, Marilyn", like I was her servant! Why can't she understand that I don't mind if it is just between us but nobody else. I am going to tell her tomorrow. She gave me a shoebox when I was leaving and Kendal was inside. Oh, I decided to skip Margaret this week. It is just this once and I have been thinking that it is kind of pointless recently. Besides, Wayne's goodbye dinner is on Thursday and it will be easier to tell her I will be busy if I am doing her a favour Wednesday. Wed, Mar 15, 00 Well "something special" meant that she "let" me wash her underwear! By hand! This is getting really weird. No, it has been really weird for weeks but that was REALLY weird. I mean, I felt totally ridiculous doing it, like it was totally perverted. I mean it wasn't. I was just washing her clothes, but somehow it felt perverted because she acted like it was. Like this would be "something special" to me. I spent the whole time wondering what she would think I was thinking while I was doing it. Would she think that washing her underwear would be a big turn on for me? I mean it DID turn me on, but not because it was her underwear, or at least not much, but because she would think it was that and that I was a total pervert. Oh no, she must have caught me peaking up her skirt and thinks I... oh G_d, what does she think?! Ryan got home before she did so I haven't seen her. Thu, Mar 16, 00 Goodbye dinner for Wayne. Greg, the new computer guy sat right next to me! He is SO hot! I didn't think he liked me. Not that we have ever talked except the couple of times I had problems, but we talked all the way through dinner. I kind of felt like I was being rude to the everybody else but every time I would join their conversation somehow I would end up talking to him again. He is very interesting. And funny, too. I always feel so boring, though. He told me about his trip to Italy and when he asked me about me I didn't have anything to say. He asked me about a husband, boyfriend, kids and I know he was just trying to be nice and make conversation but I felt like such a loser. It is sad to see Wayne go. He has been there longer than me and we used to have good talks. Fri, Mar 17, 00 Trish wants me to go down again tomorrow morning and I am supposed to take Kendal. I wish she would leave him out of this. It makes me very uncomfortable to have her see him. I hope I don't have to clean all day again. It was okay once, but it is not how I am going to spend my Saturdays. Sat, Mar 18, 00 She wanted me to do all her housework again! I think she thinks I am just going to do all her cleaning from now on! I was really mad and I guess I looked it because while I vacuuming she pulled the plug out said I looked like I was going to kill something with it. She thought that was very funny. Yeah, ha ha, make me come over and do all your damned housework and then laugh when I don't look thrilled about it. I told her I don't want to spend every Saturday cleaning HER house and she looked totally shocked and asked if I didn't like vacuuming for her. No, not particularly, I told her and she just said "Then go scrub the kitchen floor instead". I couldn't believe it! I wanted to scream at her, and I kept trying but nothing would come out and after a minute of standing there with her saying "well?" and "go on, go clean the floor" and me feeling totally stupid but just standing there, she finally grabbed a bit of my hair and led me to the broom closet told me to pick up the bucket and then took me to the sink where I filled it. By the time I was on my knees scrubbing I was crying but I glad she had helped me do what she wanted. I felt so humiliated washing her floor like she had ordered, but I kept picturing Kendal who was sitting on top of the television. She just stood there watching me, smiling like she is better than me because she had won. Then while I was rinsing it she suddenly asked, "does this turn you on?" I just froze. How can I answer that? I mean it does, but not the way I think she thinks and I also hate it, too, and even I don't understand how I can feel both at the same time so how can I explain it to her? She asked again but I didn't know what to say. Then she got angry and said she wanted an answer and if I was going to be difficult she could be too. And she told me to pull my underwear down! Well there was NO WAY I was going to do that but she came over and put her hand on the back of my head and pushed it until my face was on the wet floor. Then she stood on my hair so I was trapped there and started saying that she thinks this turns me on, that she thinks I am a dirty pervert who enjoys this and that I say I don't like cleaning her house but she thinks its a lie. And then she told me she would not tell me again to pull my panties down and she was not moving her foot until I did. I tried fighting and told her to let me go but she told me I knew what to do. I was crying and felt so helpless and embarrassed, especially because I knew that my panties would be wet but they were only getting wetter the longer I stayed like that. It must have been at least a couple of minutes before I realized that I really did not have any choice, so I did it. She made me pull them right down to my knees and then said that that is how a pervert like me should clean the floor and told me to start cleaning. And I did. I started cleaning her floor with my face pressed to it and when she finally moved her foot I just kept cleaning it, crying with my panties down around my knees. It felt so stupid and I could feel the wetness dripping down my thighs and I was praying that it would not go below my skirt. When I was finished she asked me if I was ready to finish the vacuuming now. I guess I was. I sure wasn't angry any more and I didn't even think, I just got up to go do it, feeling ridiculous pulling my underwear back up in front of her, but she said "leave them there". She made me vacuumed her entire house with my underwear around my ankles! I was so embarrassed it felt like it was about a thousand degrees in there I just wanted to grab Kendal and run upstairs and either use him or cry. Or both. And the thing is, the longer I did it the more I liked the feeling, knowing I looked absolutely retarded and that she was laughing at me. And she was. She was playing with Alyssa and laughing and pointing at me. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but I know she was being mean. I used to think that maybe she gets turned on embarrassing me the same way I get turned on when she does it, but I don't think so anymore. I think she just likes being mean to me. Just like all the girls in high school use to. The They make themselves feel important by laughing at me and making me feel pathetic. Only now I am helping her. Which only makes me more pathetic. And turned on. Sun, Mar 19, 00 She just took Kendal away. She came up stairs and made me wash him and give him to her because I kept her awake last night. I kept HER awake? Like how about all the times she's woken ME up?! Its my own fault, I guess. I sort of did it deliberately. Last night I was feeling so nasty after what she made me do that I used Kendal in the bedroom for the first time since I found out they could here me. I wanted her to hear me. I wanted her to know what I was doing and that what she had made me do turned me on. I did it when I first got home and a few more times and finally when they were having sex, but kept going when they stopped. It just felt so nasty and dirty to be doing it when I knew they could hear me that I just kept going. I stopped for a while but thinking about it turned me on again and even when I was telling myself I shouldn't I couldn't stop myself. Then she banged on the wall and told me to "stop playing with yourself" and that just made me come SO hard until she told me to "shut the fuck up". Well that just made She's using him! Oh gross, she is using Kendal! Yuck! Oh that is SO disgusting! Oh I feel sick. How could she do that? How can I use him now? Maybe I will have to get a new one. But I don't WANT a new one. I want Kendal and I don't want her using MY vibrator. Get your own, you bitch! Oh I'm going to kill her! I just pounded my fist on the wall and told her to stop and she told me to mind my own business. This IS my business. She is using MY vibrator! Oh yeah and of course she does the huge fake pornstar talk she does with Ryan like she is even better with Kendal then I am. Oh I don't know what to do. I want to cry but I'm not. What I want to do is use Kendal! Oh that was SO fake. Nobody makes that much noise when they come alone. I don't think. I know she is just trying to make me jealous. Well I don't know what I feel, but it isn't jealousy. ___ Just had a total meltdown. She has stopped now. I feel... sort of violated. Like she has ruined something for me. I guess if I clean him really well I can use him again but I just feel like I will always know in the back of my mind. Mon, Mar 20, 00 I barely got any sleep last night worrying about whether I should ask for Kendal back, and thought about it all day, but when I was with her I couldn't. Well, actually, I was worrying about it but I was also missing Kendal. Its like with him gone I REALLY need to use him. My panties were wet all day because I kept picturing her at home using him and it is just so gross that it turns me on. The more I thought about it the more it turned me on. It makes me feel pathetic that I just let her take away my vibrator. That I really want to use him and I can't but she can. I am not even sure if I couldn't ask for him back because I was embarrassed or because it turns me on that she is making me suffer. Ooh, I can feel my hoo-hoo twinge when I wrote that. I was going to write that maybe it is some of each but now I wonder. G_d, I wish I was normal. ___ I was just cooking dinner and I heard her using him again and I had to go listen. It made me all wet to picture what she was doing with MY Kendal and I wanted him so badly that I felt like I wanted to cry. But I thought about what I wrote before about liking that she makes me suffer, and it really does turn me on so much. I just wish I could get this turned on and have him too. Tue, Mar 21, 00 I am going to get Kendal back! She wants me to babysit again tomorrow and I told her I had an appointment and she said if I do it, she will give me Kendal back. I feel guilty canceling Margaret again, but I just have to. I went through most of the day with wet panties again and, well, I am afraid this just seems more important. That is so sad, Marilyn. But it is true. The New Owners - 03 March Wed, Mar 22, 00 When I went down tonight Shona was there. I think Trish has told her about me because she looks at me with that same laughing, superior look as Trish. Trish said they would like to have some tea before they went out. I wanted to just walk out because I already told Trish I don't like doing that when there are other people around, but I could hardly say it with Shona sitting right there and I couldn't leave because I had agreed to babysit, so I made them tea and felt myself blushing furiously while I served them. And thinking that I would have Kendal back tonight. Then Trish said her feet were sore and would I mind doing some reflexology on them. I told her I didn't feel like it tonight, but she said something about how didn't I think I was being paid very well for babysitting tonight and couldn't I just do some reflexology for the same price. Shona asked how much she was paying me and I was suddenly in panic mode. Trish just smirked at me with this confident "Well...?" look and looked at her feet and I knew I didn't have a choice so I knelt down and did it and she told Shona that we had "worked out a deal". So I did it, but I am going to tell her tomorrow that I don't want to ever do that again when there are other people around. Anyway, they left after a few minutes and then Trish came back and told me my "little friend" was up in their room and Ryan would not be home until after 9. Then she said "Have fun, Marilyn" in this totally knowing, superior way like she thought I was going to run right up and use him which made me want to not do it but the longer I thought about it and that she thought I would and how dirty it would be to do it in their house the more I knew I was going to. Just knowing he was up there and it was like I could not stop myself. So I did. I checked in on Alyssa and then went up to find him. He was sitting right beside the bed. As soon as I saw him I just knew she hadn't cleaned him so before I even touched him I leaned down to smell him. It smelled so gross! How can she be so disgusting? Yuck! I didn't even want to touch him so I picked him up with a tissue and went down to clean him THOROUGHLY. But then what? What if one of them came home? They would see me in the living room and I didn't want to be caught in their bedroom. I think it took me like half an hour to get up the courage to do it but I finally did. I started in the living room but then I wanted to do it in their bedroom so I did it on their bed and that just felt so dirty and sick that I kept picturing them standing watching me like they were making me perform for them. Anyway, I put Kendal away in my apartment before Ryan got home so I have him now. I am a bit scared to use him because she might take him away again, I think in the living room with the door shut is probably okay. Thu, Mar 23, 00 She just totally humiliated me in front of Ryan! All because I tried to tell her I hate it when she makes me do things with other people around. So instead of listening to me she made it even worse! I had already planned on telling her that I didn't like making tea with Shona there. I thought about it all day today so when Ryan answered the door I was doublely determined. I told her I had just come to tell her I couldn't stay and she asked me why so I told her I didn't like making tea when there are other people there and she said "YOU don't like? Did I ask you what YOU like?". Then she came over and pulled my hair back and took my face in her other hand. She must somehow know that is how to make me do what she wants. She told me I am a naughty ungrateful girl and she doesn't know why she bothers being nice enough to let me wash her underwear. Ryan was standing right there! G_D, I wanted to die. I could feel myself blushing and I tried to twist away but I couldn't and I just ended up crying which made me feel even more pathetic. But they didn't say anything they just watched me cry and blush and after a while I also started to love feeling so helpless and pathetic. When I had finally finished crying she asked me if I was ready to make them some tea and then she whispered in my ear, or did I want her to tell Ryan what I did on their bed last night. I don't know how she knows because I thought I fixed it up, but I know she does. Its like that little smirk. Like from the first day she met me she knew exactly who I am and what I am thinking. Anyway, by then I just wanted her to let me go so I gave in and did it. My stomach was so upset I felt like I might throw up and every time I thought about what Ryan had seen and what he must think of me I could feel myself blushing again. And the thing is, making them tea and serving it, and even rubbing her feet seem like such a little things, especially compared to having her pull my hair in front of Ryan. But it still makes me feel totally retarded to do it. Not that it really matters how I feel because after tonight I know I will be doing it no matter who is there. I hate that I was so determined to stop it and that she made me do it anyway. It also really scares me because I just feel like she could make me do anything and I couldn't say no. Fri Mar 24, 00 Ryan went out after work so Trish asked me to stay for dinner. It didn't even really surprise me or bother me when I had to make it for her. And I was even a little surprised when I got to eat with her because I was half expecting her to make me serve her like tea. But it was nice and we talked about everyday things. Oh, at one point I said something about Mrs Baker and she said that if I called the last owner by her last name she thought it would be respectful if I called her by her last name. So now I am supposed to call her Mrs Barnabas which seems weird since she is a little younger than me, but I don't actually call her by name very often so it doesn't really matter. I liked it when she said it would be 'more respectful'. I don't know why, but I did. Sat Mar 25 00 Had an early hair appointment but after it I just went down to Trish's even though she never told me to. Oops, I guess I should say Mrs Barnabas'. Anyway, I just know she expects me to clean her house from now on and after Thursday night I just felt like there was not much point in not doing what she wants because I know I will eventually. Besides, last night she said that it was a lot more peaceful when Kendal was at her house so I am afraid if I get her mad she may take him away again. So I cleaned her whole house and did her laundry and hand washed her underwear - she acts like that is some big thrill for me when it is really just kind of gross. When we were eating lunch she said that I had not called her "Mrs Barnabas" once all day and that she thinks it would be nice if I said "Yes, Mrs Barnabas" when ever she asks me to do something and would I do that? Then there was one of those long silences where I know what I am supposed to do but I can't make myself do it and the longer it goes on the harder it gets and the stupider I feel. She looks at me with this laughing, expectant "well...?" look that says we both know I am going to do it eventually. And like always I finally did it, I said "Yes, Mrs Barnabas" and she gave me this mean, laughing look that said that she had won and I had lost and that she cannot believe how pathetic I am. We didn't talk after that. I lost my appetite so I just sat there feeling pathetic, especially because I could feel myself getting wet. Then she said I could wash the dishes before I got back to work and I knew what she wanted so I just swallowed and said quickly "Yes, Mrs Barnabas" before I could think too much. I had to say it a bunch of times after that and every time it felt like a big deal. Its funny after everything else I do, but it seems like such a big thing to me. Now I am babysitting while they go out for dinner. Writing about all this makes me want to go get Kendal. I want to go do it on their bed again. I don't know why, but it just seems so dirty. Pathetic. I use that word a lot. I guess I like feeling pathetic. Well, I don't know that I like it, but it turns me on. And I sure do it a lot these days. I wonder how she knew that I did it on their bed last week? I was so careful to straighten the bed after. I have thought about it and I really think she just knew that if she left me alone in their apartment and told me that Kendal was in their bedroom that I would not be able to stop myself from using him on their bed. She makes me feel so predictable. So transparent. It freaks me out because I always thought that nobody could tell all the sick things in my head so I was safe, but if Trish Mrs Barnabas can tell then maybe other people can, too. Oh, that's stupid, people cannot read your mind. Except for Trish. That really scares me. But it kind of turns me on, too. Like she can see right into my soul and knows all the sickest, scariest things about me. It is really embarrassing to think she knows it all, but it is kind of freeing, too. Like there is fresh air in a deep dark place that I never... oh I don't know. That is all crazy. If she were a nice person it might be fresh air but she isn't. She is mean and instead of being nice when she sees one of my hidden bits she just uses it to hurt me to make herself feel superior. Or maybe she does it because you love it, Marilyn. You do love it. You hate it and hate her, but you totally love it too and you wouldn't have it any other way. Otherwise, how come I used Kendal last night when I knew she was in bed and Ryan was out. I deliberately wanted her to know I was doing it. I think I was, no, I KNOW I was hoping she would do something like call me up and make fun of me or pound on the wall or even take Kendal away again. Why would I want that? But its true. I loved it when she had him and I was not "allowed" to do it. I don't know why I loved that, but I did. I am going to go do it. I am going to get him and do it on their bed and I am not going to straighten it so she knows what I did. ___ I did it. But now I am having second thoughts. What if she gets really mad? It seemed like a good idea while I was doing it, but now I am thinking about how mean she can be and how horrible it was when she was mad at me on Thursday. I wonder what she will do? What if she gets REALLY mad? I think I better go fix it. ___ Oh G-d, I think I may be in trouble. When I went up to make the bed I saw I had made bit of a mess on their duvet so I got a damp cloth but that just made a wet spot so I was going to get a towel to try to dry it but they came home right then. Luckily I was already downstairs but there is a big wet spot on the duvet and this diary was on the couch and I just know I looked guilty. I just hope they don't... Someone is coming up stairs! ___ I feel sick. It was awful. She was really angry and she has taken Kendal away and she did it all in front of Ryan which just made me want to die. When she pounded on my door and I answered she grabbed my hair and dragged me into my bedroom. Then she told me to get my vibrator and when I had him she grabbed my hair again and pulled me down stairs and into their apartment and then up to their bedroom. Ryan was sitting in the chair and I was so aware of him watching when she pulled my hair until my face was right over the wet spot. "What is THAT?" she demanded and what was I supposed to say. I couldn't think of what to say. After she asked a few times I finally managed to say "I made a mess" "On MY bed?!" she yelled and I nodded. I think I was crying by then. I don't remember. Then she asked me what I had been doing, over and over again but I couldn't say it. Not with Ryan there. So I just cried harder which made me feel more stupid. She finally gave up and said she knew what I had been doing, "jerking off" and made me admit it and then called me a dirty little slut and told me to clean it. I couldn't even tell her that I already had so I went and got the cloth again and a towel. I could feel them watching me and wished I was dead. I must have been beet red. I feel like I want to throw up. Why was I so stupid? It is bad enough about Mrs Barnabas, but that he was watching it all, too, is just too much. Oh, this is crazy. I have got to stop this. I don't understand what is happening to me. How could I have been doing that in their bed last night? I mean, it is just totally crazy. I feel totally obsessed. It can't be good for me. But do I want to stop? Could I stop if I wanted to? I feel like she has a hold on me. I think I would have to move. I don't want to move. No, you don't want to stop. You are loving this. G_d, I hate myself. It just keeps getting crazier and I feel totally out of control. But I think I like feeling out of control. I think my problem is that I do not feel as if she is in control. Like she does not know when to stop. When enough is enough. I wish she would just go slower. It is all just too much for a little person to take all at once. Its crazy. I am going to give my notice. It is almost the end of the month. I wish I didn't have to live here for another 60 days, but I will just have to be strong. And besides, I really don't want to move right away. It will be better to have some time to get used to the idea. SunMar 26 00 I am so confused. It all made perfect sense last night but now it is all confusing again. I fell asleep on the couch last night and woke up with her talking to me through the wall saying "Marilyn, are you awake? Are you listening? Marilyn, Ryan is fucking me up the ass, Marilyn" I mean, who wants to be woken up like that. It wasn't just that she was telling me, it was the sing-songy tone. Like teasing. Well that, and she was grunting the whole time. I tried putting my hands over my ears but then... well I don't know why but I took them off. I guess I wanted to hear what she was saying even more than I didn't want to hear. I don't even remember going into the bedroom, but most of what happened I was right at the wall. She kept telling me how good it felt, then she asked if I wanted to know a secret. She kept asking until I finally yelled "no! Go away!" but she just said "yes you do. You want to know this secret." And I suddenly realized how well she knows me cause yes, I really did want to know her stupid secret. And I knew I would not like whatever it was but I wanted to know anyway, just so I could not like it. She wouldn't tell me until I asked her though and I was damned if I was going to do that. But she just kept talking and talking and finally I just asked her to shut her up. She said that she had Kendal and he was "titty fucking" her and pretty soon he was going to go down on her and wasn't it unfair that she had two boys and I didn't have any and did I miss my boyfriend. She is such a bitch! Then she started asking me if I was playing with myself, which I wasn't. Well, I mean obviously I wasn't but I wasn't even grinding. She may know a lot about what I am thinking, but she does not know that cause she kept asking if I was fingering myself. It felt really good that she could be wrong about something. She kept bugging me to tell her if I was until, like always, I just snapped and told her to shut her up. But then she started telling me to. Oh, and also how good Kendal felt cause I could hear him. She said she likes thinking of me alone and desperately fingering myself while she was getting fucked by both her husband and my boyfriend. She also said that Ryan likes to think of it too and would I like to show him how I do it. Well I had been grinding a little up until then but picturing having to do it in front of him, having him see that I can't even do that right, suddenly I didn't care if she won and I rolled over and started humping my wrist feeling totally pathetic and it took a long time, but finally she kept asking if I would like it, telling me it was okay to admit it, and stuff until I screamed "yes" and started crying and then she came and then he came. Maybe 10 minutes later, the phone rang. It was her. She told me I had been a good girl and asked me if I had come. I was so drained I didn't even care about telling I didn't. She was being very nice to me and asked if I was not able to without Kendal and I just told her not usually. I felt so empty that it just did not matter what I told her. She told me it was okay that I had not come because they had both come huge and that was the important thing, but that she would let me use Kendal later if I wanted. And what did I say? "Thank you, Mrs Barnabas" Thank you for letting me use my own vibrator. And the thing is, I meant it. It actually felt like she was doing something nice for me. G_d, its Oscars night and I am supposed to go over to Diane's in time for the Red carpet and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die. Oh well, maybe it will be good just to get out of here. She just called to ask if I would like to use Kendal. No. No, I really don't. At the moment I feel like I don't care if I ever use him again. MonMar 27 00 I worried all day about how I would face her, but when I got there it just seemed to be fine. I made tea, rubbed her feet, we talked about the Oscars. Ryan was there but even that was okay. A few times I would think about what happened yesterday and how weird it was to be talking to them now like nothing had happened, but it was okay. Greg came by my office today and we had a long talk about the Oscars. I told him I had not really gotten into American Beauty and that it just seemed like the director had a video of a plastic bag and wrote a movie around it. He was totally shocked. He thought it was one of the best movies ever made. He said that every character is a part of each of us and that it makes you question human nature and the difference between fantasy and reality and how instinct leads us toward something while our brains are leading us somewhere else. Maybe I need to see it again. While he was talking I was thinking I could really use some advice on fantasy and reality and my instinct leading me places my brain thinks is a really bad idea. I like Greg. It was very nice of him to come by. He says we should get an office Oscar pool together for next year. TueMar 28 00 Got my period today. Mrs Barnabas said it has been much more peaceful since Kendal has been staying with her. But she told me that any time I want to use him, I just have to ask. That is just so crazy. Like I am supposed to just go down and knock on the door and say "Please, Mrs Barnabas, may I borrow my vibrator to go masturbate?" What, and am I suppose to bring it back when I am done? I just don't understand how she thinks this makes any sense at all. It is not just not fair, it is retarded. There can't be another woman on the planet that is supposed to... to ask her landlady if she can borrow her own vibrator. Aaaa! Thank G_d I don't feel like using him. WedMar 29 00 While I was rubbing her feet she asked me if I found it difficult to ask to use Kendal. I told her I didn't think I could so she asked if it would be easier if she just told me when I could. I said yes. I mean, it is easier. But I won't necessarily feel like it when she tells me to and it is still going to be totally embarrassing. I haven't figured out if I should give notice or not. It hasn't been so bad this week. Well, except that I have not been able to use my vibrator all week. I've thought about buying a new one but she would just take that one, too. ThuMar 30 00 When I finished washing up the tea things I asked her if that would be all – funny, I don't even remember when that started, I don't think she ever told me to, it just seemed natural – and she told me to come over to her chair and then told me to kneel. She patted my head and told me I had done a good job and earned a treat, and then handed Kendal to me and told me to into the bathroom. I said thank you and even though I wanted to scream, I just did as I'd been told. As I left the room she said "have fun". It was like a dagger in my back. But I did it. I sat on the edge of the tub and thought about how disgusting I am that I let her do these things to me and how she could hear that I was doing exactly what she had told me, and the more disgusted I got the more excited I got until came.