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The Darkness

By: Vampyr3371



It was everywhere, no light penetrated the world, no sound dared to break the silence, no smell soiled the air, the darkness was complete. 

Wondering how in the hell she had ended in this nightmare Vicky fought her bonds but whoever had done this was an expert. She could feel the ties that held her had no give at all and indeed the knots that held them seemed almost to relish her struggle and tighten the more that she attempted to escape. 

Exasperated she lay still attempting to fathom her surroundings. She was laid out on a thin mattress, she could feel the solid surface through it and felt no give at all. Her arms were stretched out straight up above her head and bound together through the surface. Her legs were spread-eagled and bound at the ankle through the same. She could feel the surface was covered in leather or vinyl of some kind so it was not a normal mattress then. 

Whatever she was laying on was obviously designed for just this purpose the room was warm but not uncomfortably hot, there was no movement in the air and no sound to be heard. She turned her head from side to side opening her eyes wide, but nothing was discernible. Straining her hearing for any sound other than her own breathing or heartbeat, nothing.

Casting her mind back she searched for any clue as to what was happening, she and Craig had been at the club that evening, they'd gone to meet up with an old swinging partner of theirs and his new girlfriend. They'd all had a few drinks and then moved on to a local late night bar Craig had heard of. 

It turned out to be an adult club with various areas for play and they had quickly become separated from their friends. They had wandered around the place checking out all that was going on in the various public play rooms, there was everything there from plush rooms full of a four poster and satin cushions everywhere to the darkest dungeon with night vision windows so outsiders could look in and watch the action without the players knowing. 

With a start she realised that was exactly where she was. Suddenly conscious that there were probably several sets of eyes on her, nervous that she was almost definitely not alone, and scariest of all, the realisation that she was suddenly looking forward to what was about to happen.

There was movement in the room now, she didn't know how she knew, but she sensed someone moving near her head. 

" Are you ready?" said a familiar voice. The voice that said "I do" such a long time ago. 

"Yes" she replied, wondering whether she really was. What was going to happen she wondered, how far was this going, did she really want this to happen, was she being watched.

Her thoughts were abruptly cut short by a sharp pain across her thigh, swiftly followed by another across her breasts. She was being whipped, not hard, but enough to cause her body to spasm up off the table. As the lash caught her again across her stomach she felt a hand slide under her bum when she arched and quickly withdraw as she came down, she waited for the lash again, but it didn't come, instead she suddenly felt Craig's hand on her skin, gently stroking up from her feet, up her thighs, skilfully applying enough pressure to tantalise but no more, skirting around her lower regions up past her full breasts all the way to her outstretched hands before disappearing.

An eternity seemed to pass before she felt his hands again, gently they stroked down over her shoulders to her full breasts, tickling her nipples as they hardened. Tracing their outline with fingertips, withdrawing for minutes at a time 'til she yearned for them to touch her again, caress her skin and tease her with their expert touch. The hands withdrew completely and immediately she missed them, she could feel her heat rising now, and her body was covered with a thin sheen of sweat.

"Please" she whispered "stop teasing me" but there was no reply. "please Craig" but the only reply was the deafening silence in the room. 

Then she felt it, felt his touch between her legs, knew that her torment was only just beginning. Gently he kissed up her thighs 'til he reached the very top. Gently parting her lips with his tongue, he flicked it across her clit and she bucked her hips to meet him. Slowly he circled her clit over and over with his tongue and she could feel her orgasm starting to build as he probed deeper inside her.

Vicky jumped as a hand stroked hers, Craig was still buried between her legs her lower body was grinding against his face, so who's hand was stroking hers a good five feet away. The hands partner joined it and her hands were placed around a hard cock, this was definitely new to her, she could feel it was circumcised and whilst it was only an average length, it was impressive in its girth. Her fingertips did not meet as she encircled it and she started to explore it eagerly feeling the heavy balls that hung underneath it, full of promise before its owner moved back withdrawing it from her reach. 

It was immediately replaced by another, just how many men were in here. This one she recognised immediately, strange how she knew the person straight away just by touching this part of his anatomy. As her fingers teased the ring through the head of this latest cock she was struck by a discovery. She knew this cock very well, she should do, she made a point of holding it every day, so WHO was in between her legs. 

Her orgasm swept over her, washing all of these thoughts from her head, her hand grasped Craig's cock hard as her body betrayed her, spasming through what was to be the first of many orgasms, of that at least she was sure. Her thighs gripped the head in between them as the tongue carried on teasing her and she flooded the face that it came from. The tongue didn't back off though and indeed intensified its rhythm and she became even more sensitive than she usually was, another orgasm ripped through her straight away and then all three of her tormentors withdrew their attentions. Leaving her gasping for breath, her heart thumping and her body heaving on the table.

Straining to listen for any clue as to the identity of her lovers she sensed the movement above her before she felt it a man was straddling her body and lowering himself toward her face opening her mouth she eagerly swallowed the cock that was pushed between her lips, this wasn't Craig but her first assailant, she recognised the width she had been holding recently and opened her mouth wider and swallowed it down to the root hearing a gasp from her mystery man she felt triumphant knowing that few women would be able to do what she was doing and the power that it gave her over this man. 

But her triumph was short lived as he withdrew from her mouth and presented her with his balls. Greedily she licked around them, she could feel how full they were and the skin was shaved smooth, just the way she liked it. Slowly she sucked each one in to her mouth before returning her attentions to the base of his cock. Someone was sucking her nipples whilst this was happening and she was just about to complain that her pussy was being neglected when she felt a nudge at her opening from what was obviously a hard cock. 

As she was entered she once again identified Craig's cock easily, as she felt his piercing pushing deeper and deeper inside her. The cock she was licking suddenly lifted off her and she felt her second lover climbing over her face. Finally she was gonna get to experience that 3rd cock. As she felt him lowering down onto her she stretched her neck to reach him with her long tongue and immediately recoiled. This was no man above her but a wet pussy lowering towards her face, and it wasn't going to take no for an answer. Well that was fine by her.

Eagerly she reached out her tongue, wishing she had the use of her hands as well to part the sweet lips above her. And sweet they were. Vicky had always liked women, though usually where and when she chose but she wasn't going to let that spoil this experience. Determined to repay the earlier favour she teased the woman's prominent clit for all she was worth. Flicking it gently with her tongue before sucking it deep into her mouth and nibbling, occasionally biting hard on it to change the tempo dramatically. 

She was obviously doing a good job as her face was slick with moisture and her mystery woman was grinding on to her face. Craig had withdrawn from her now and she felt her woman lower in to a sixty nine position. Beyond caring now, Vicky allowed the waves of pleasure to wash over her. Her hands were full now, two cocks had presented themselves and were being well looked after. Her lover was grinding in to her face like there was no tomorrow, her clit was being teased to new heights and she could feel her lovers breasts rubbing her stomach and her own nipples were hard as rock rubbing against her lovers movements.

One of the men was climbing over her now and she felt the other entering her she recognised Craig's piercing as he entered the pussy she was licking, could feel his balls slapping her tongue as she continued to lick for all she was worth steeled herself for the stretch she knew was coming as her other man entered her for the first time. Felt him filling her completely until she thought she would certainly split apart. 

Her clit was still being teased and she could feel her orgasm building up like a tidal wave. Just as she thought she could take no more her face was flooded with cum as her lover let go, greedily she lapped it all up determined to finish before she lost control, but it wasn't to be. Without warning her pussy was pulsing as it was filled with cum and she couldn't hold on any longer screaming out she let go and allowed her orgasm to take control her body shaking and trembling as wave after wave of pleasure swept over her, dimly aware of Craig groaning above her, not realising what was happening till she tasted his cum dribbling out of her lover into her mouth and not caring one bit that she hadn't got that cream as another wave of pleasure swept over her.

Darkness reigned supreme again. Her lovers had left, she knew, there was no light, no sound dared break the silence. Nothing but the sweet scent of sex and a pounding throb in her pussy to show that anything had just happened. Slowly Craig untied her hands and feet and helped her to sit.

"Showers are just through that door" he said and she noticed a faint glimmer of light that had been hidden when she was laying down. 

"I love you" she said as she kissed him and got up. Going through the door to get clean, and maybe find someone to help her get her revenge. 

Smiling Craig followed after, he knew he would suffer for tonight's extravaganza especially when she saw the video. But, where Vicky was concerned, suffering was a pleasure he looked forward to with anticipation.

The Darkness



In the darkness we are shielded from the light of truth. We conceal who we are and what we do. Depending on the depth of the darkness we can get away with most anything. I was home one dark and dreary night, listening to the rain hitting the roof. I thought to myself that tonight was a night for trouble, but I wasn't sure just what kind of trouble.

It was about midnight when the power went out. I used to be afraid of the dark when I was a kid, but now it was more a matter of inconvenience. My mother would comfort me in her bosom when I was young and afraid of the darkness. I can still recall how her perfume smelled, and how my head would be all cozy laying against her fuzzy pink cardigan sweater. After I had a brief reverie, I got up and went to find the flashlight. 

After acquiring the flashlight I went into the basement to check on the fuse box. Sometimes I blow out the circuits running too many items in the old house. Satisfied that the fuses were intact and in fact the whole box was having a power outage I went to look for a lamp or at least some candles. That was when I heard the sound of glass breaking. Someone was trying to break into my house through the back door.

I grabbed my baseball bat and silently headed upstairs to confront the would-be crook. I didn't see anyone in the kitchen, but I heard footsteps up stairs. I crept slowly upstairs, making sure to place my foot in the non-squeaky areas of the stairs. I figured the person must be in my bedroom looking for anything expensive and easy to carry. I looked through my bedroom door and that's when I saw the silhouette of my burglar. I was in luck; the crook looked to be a small female. 

I snuck up behind her, and "WHAM!" I nailed her from behind hitting her on the back and part of her head. She crumpled to the ground with a loud thud. She was moaning and groaning. It was at this point I thought about the trouble that I was to get into this evening. I removed her mask and quickly put it on my head. It was difficult to tell what she looked like because I have a very dark bedroom, but I could see that she had a huge set of tits.

Since she was stunned and was not moving I quickly took off her top and pants. I ripped off her bra and panties. I lifted her over to me bed, and ran and got some ties to tie her to the bed. Once I was satisfied with my handy work, I slowly removed my clothes. I got up on the bed and got between her legs. I placed my soft cock between her ass checks and started to slowly gyrate to bring myself to full hardness. When I felt I was in fucking condition I grabbed my cock and aimed it lower at her pussy. She must have regained a little bit of her consciousness at that point.

"Pleeeeaaaasssseee, ....... don't ...... fuck ....... me......... I'm .... a ..... virgin, ..... I'm ..... not ....on .....birth ..... control ...... and ...... it's ....... my ....... time ...... of ....... the ....."

I cut her off by shoving her discarded panties into her mouth and tying a tie around her head to keep it in place. "You break into someone's home, and you ask for mercy. Fuck you bitch! If you want to lead a life of crime, then you deserve what you going to get." I slammed my cock deep into her pussy in one powerful stroke. She screamed for all she was worth into her panties. I pounded her cunt fast and hard, bringing tears down her eyes. I didn't care if she was a nun at the moment. She was gonna pay for trying to steal from me. I hammered her over and over again. I fucked her like there was no tomorrow. 

I could feel the sperm in my balls start to boil and knew my impending explosion was soon to come. "Oh yes! Here it cums bitch. Take my fertile sperm up your criminal twat." I exploded with a earth shattering cum the likes of which I never felt before. I pushed my cock in as deep as possible. I bottomed out and hit her cervix. I pushed my cock through her cervix, bringing more muffled screams from her, and I sprayed her insides some more before I finished cumming inside of her. I collapsed on top of her with my dick still in her.

I started to slip out because I started to go soft, but I decided to go get a beer and some pretzels for energy. After sipping my beer and eating some food, I went back upstairs. She was trying to struggle against the ties, and had gotten a foot free. I was on her faster than a pack of wolves at an all you can eat buffet. I retied her foot, and again took my place between her legs. I didn't give her any warning. I lined my cock up to her asshole, and went for broke. I tore through her sphincter was with relative ease. Again she started to scream and cry some more. 

I took a lot longer to pound her ass because I came in her earlier. I must have fucked her ass for about an hour. After about the first half hour her body betrayed her and her sphincter started to squeeze my cock. Maybe she hoped that if she could milk my chowder out of my sac, that then ass fucking would stop. It felt nice, but I made myself hold out for more.

As I said I pounded her butt a good long while. I felt like it was going to be another explosion soon. My dick was getting raw, so I needed to soothe the ache. I pulled out and pushed my shit covered dick into her cunt. It was good to feel the wetness on my shaft. The ache went away. "Yeah here it cums again. Are you prepared to be a mom in jail? Oh the butch dikes will love you." I erupted once again, "Arghhhhh, ah ah ah hmmmmmmm, yeahhhhhhh!"

I fell on her one last time. The dark was starting to fade away, and I wanted to get rid of the trash. I took a couple pictures of her, and her abused twat. I dressed her back up, and tied her hands. I threw her into my truck, and drove out into the country. I dumped her out onto the side of the road, and told her "Don't even think of filing sexual assault charges. Because then you would have to explain what you were doing in that house. Keep your mouth shut and all will be fine for you." I drove off back to the city, leaving her and her dripping pussy to have to walk home. 

A year later I got a letter in the mail. There was a note and a picture. The note said, "To whom it may concern, please find this letter in the appropriate hands. I am sorry for trying to break into the house, I had been thrown out of my home and I was starving. I needed money to survive. After what happened I realized that I was wrong and did not what to live that way. I found a shelter, and was able to find a decent paying job. Please accept this picture of our daughter. I do not want any money from you and I am not seeking any legal action. This will be the last communication I have with you."

In the darkness, many things can happen. In the darkness the evil that exists can be used for good. It is a matter of wielding that power for good. Two wrongs don't make a right, but in this case two darks made some light.



The Darkness



I've never been afraid of the dark; not the dark on the outside, and I'd never really thought how it's so very different to the darkness on the inside. In fact, I'd never been aware there was a darkness on the inside; not until that day, the day of the accident. Not that it was technically an accident. The culmination of events wasn't accidental at all, although I'm pretty sure the rest of it was, and surely the ending was never meant to be like that.

It all started very simply and staggered on in a series of jerky, somewhat accidental steps towards the inevitable conclusion. It began with an innocent conversation with my father. It was the conversation in which I told him I'm gay. I'm sure a hundred people must have that conversation every day, all over the country; hell, all over the world. I really hope that, at least the majority of them, went as well as mine did.

My dad is possibly the best father in the world. He's always been very supportive of us and this time was no exception. Now, you may wonder why it took 18 years to tell him if I knew he was going to be cool with it? The answer is that until then I hadn't even known myself.

I've never been particularly turned on by boys, although I can't deny checking them out in the changing room now and again. Maybe I wouldn't have realised even then if it hadn't been for Jay.

Jay has been my best friend forever. We lived next door to each other and spent just about every minute of every day together. We swam naked in the river, hiked in the mountains, lay together under the stars and even slept together, I don't know how many times. In all that time I'd never looked at him as anything but a friend; except maybe as a brother. And I never noticed that he was looking at me in a different way, not until a few weeks before the conversation with my father.

We were camping out on the mountain behind our houses. Yes, it was winter and it was bloody cold but there was a night of shooting stars forecast and we wanted to see them free from light pollution, at least as free as possible on the edge of a busy town. 

The sky was perfectly clear, which made it all the colder and the grass crunched under our feet as we set up camp under the protection of a grove of trees. We'd got our sleeping bags out and were lying together on the grass staring up at the stars. We were freezing but toughing it so as not to lose face with each other. Yeah well... we were 18; indestructible and very, very stupid.

The first stars streaked across the sky and we were both completely blown away. We'd never seen anything like it; anything so beautiful and suddenly the cold was worth it. We were breathless.

"Quick, Jay make a wish." I cried excitedly and he whispered.

"I already have."

At some point I realised he'd reached out his hand and laced his fingers with mine. I hadn't even noticed. I was too intent with what was going on in the sky over our heads. It went on for ages and by the time it ended my teeth were chattering.

I was surprised to find that Jay was still holding my hand but it didn't bother me. Nothing Jay did bothered me; we were that close. I turned my face to look at him and his eyes were brilliant, reflecting the dark sky and glittering stars.

I don't know what it was; maybe the way he was looking at me, but it suddenly struck me that they were beautiful. The thought surprised and puzzled me but it still didn't bother me. I remember wondering why it had never occurred to me before to notice he was beautiful.

I mean he isn't perfect, not by a long shot. Back then he was tall and gangly, although he had kind of grown into himself in the few months before. He had this wild, messy red hair, which he'd started paying more attention to so it hung to his shoulders in a shining sheet of copper. He'd a turned up nose, lots of freckles and twinkling green eyes which were large and deep and... Well you get the picture. Jay had been changing a lot and I hadn't noticed it; not until that night.

When we looked at each other, under the stars with our breath misting between us, the changes he'd been undergoing hit me like a ton of bricks and I was puzzled about why – why I hadn't noticed and why, at last, it bothered me.

Jay moved closer and raised himself on one elbow so he could look down at me. He had the strangest look on his face.

"What?" I asked somewhat sharply because I was disturbed by the way my mind had been working.

"I...."

"What's wrong? You look...."

"I've been...." He shivered deeply and took a deep breath. "There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about for a long time; a really long time."

"But you can talk to me about anything Jay; any time. At least I thought you could." I frowned because there was something Jay couldn't talk to me about. Did it mean we were drifting apart? The fear of losing Jay's friendship was far greater than whatever it might be that was so bad he hadn't felt able to discuss it with me.

"Don't, Ash. Don't look at me like that, as if I've somehow let you down."

"But I wasn't. I know you'd never...."

"Ash, please. Just – just let me speak. If I don't do it now I never will and it's been so hard. It hurts so much."

He really sounded as if he was in pain and I was alarmed. "Jay... Jay what's wrong? What's happened?" I was horrified by his choked voice and the tears in his eyes. I was scared something really bad had happened.

"Nothing's happened; at least, nothing new. It's just... just I can't keep it inside anymore. It's been there for such a long time; years. I've wanted to tell you so many times but I've been too scared." Now he'd started, the words tumbled over themselves and came pouring out. I don't think he could have stopped if he'd wanted to.

"I didn't want you to hate me. You're always so happy and sweet and bubbly and I didn't want to see that change. I didn't want you to be cold with me." I opened my mouth to speak, to tell him he was being stupid, that I'd never be cold to him but he pressed on before I could say a word. 

"You've no idea what it's been like, being so close to you for so long. So close but... but not... not...." He took a deep breath, steadying himself. By now I was so stunned and shocked I didn't know what to think let alone say.

"Then tonight you were lying there; so close. You were excited and bubbly like you always are and the starlight was reflecting in your eyes and they were so beautiful. They are beautiful – and when I held your hand and you didn't...."

Suddenly, he seemed to collapse in on himself. "You've absolutely no idea what I'm talking about do you? I thought that when... when you didn't – but you don't know do you? Even now, after everything I've said, you've no idea what I'm talking about."

He was right there. I shook my head, completely mystified. All I knew was that my best friend was in pain and it seemed to have something to do with me; and that was killing me.

"I'm sorry, Jay. I don't know what I've done but whatever it is I'm sorry. I'm really sorry if I've hurt you."

"Sorry? You? Done? Ash you're so... You haven't done anything; nothing. You've always been so... always so.... You're perfect, Ash. You're bright and funny and sweet but sometimes you're so... oblivious."

"Oblivious to what?" He was glaring at me and I was starting to feel very uncomfortable. He was like a coiled spring and I was scared what would happen when it sprung. He sighed and shook his head. His eyes were locked with mine.

"Do you know what I wished for – on the star?" I was confused by the sudden changes of direction in this weird conversation and mesmerised by the strange tone in his voice that was so different to anything I'd ever heard before. He moved closer and I had to resist the temptation to move away. "You," he whispered and that just made me even more confused.

"Me? But – I don't understand."

"God, you can be so stupid sometimes," he spat out in frustration. "I love you, Ash. I have always loved you and I will always love you."

He was looking at me as if he was expecting me to say or do something. "I know you do." I said, somewhat uncertainly, half expecting it to be the wrong thing to say.

"No! You don't know. You don't know anything. Sometimes you're just not real."

And then he kissed me. To say I was shocked is a huge understatement. I was too shocked to react at all and, after a moment Jay pulled away with a strange cry.

"I'm sorry, Ash. I'm really sorry. I never meant it to be like this. I've tried. God knows I've tried but you're just so fucking beautiful and... I...." He looked devastated, destroyed, but I barely noticed.

"I am?"

"Oh God yes. And you've never been more beautiful than you are right now." He looked hopeful then, like a puppy half expecting to be kicked but so, so hoping for a pat.

"I um... I... I don't know what to...to say."

"I don't care, Ash. I don't care what you say or what you do only... only please don't hate me. Please don't hurt me; don't leave me."

"What are you talking about? You're my best friend and you always will be. I don't understand why you would think I'd hate you." And I didn't. I really, really didn't.

"I just told you I'm gay, Ash," he said lowering his head.

"You did? You are?" It was so unexpected. It kind of blindsided me and, yet again, I didn't know what to say. The dominant emotion, beneath the shock and confusion was relief that the 'awful thing' I'd been so worried about since the start of the conversation was only this.

He rolled his eyes and finally smiled. "Like I said, sometimes you're not real. I told you I love you Ash, and I kissed you. Didn't that give you a clue?"

And then a light went on and I was literally knocked off my feet. "You... You're... Oh... OH you meant...? Shit... you did: you are? Does that mean...?"

"Take a breath, Ash, you're not making sense."

I shut my mouth; lay flat on my back and stared up at the stars. How did I feel? What was I thinking? I have no idea. So many things were flying through my mind there was no room for feelings. I was dizzy.

"What are you thinking?" His voice was anxious and I couldn't look at him; I just couldn't.

"I... don't know. Shocked, I suppose. I never thought...."

"You don't hate me do you?"

I turned to look at him and laughed. "Of course I don't hate you. Why the hell would I hate you? You're my best friend."

"Still?" He was anxious, even though I thought I'd made myself perfectly clear. It didn't occur to me then, not until much later, the risk he'd taken in telling me like that. It seemed so natural; so unimportant to 'us' that it came as a huge shock when I later found out that it didn't always happen like this, that sometimes even good friends walk away. Even if things hadn't progressed as they did I would never have turned my back on Jay; not for that.

"Of course."

"So... what...? Where does this leave us? Should we pretend that nothing happened; just carry on as if nothing's changed?"

"Changed? Of course it's changed. Everything's changed." He looked scared.

"Then what...?"

"I don't know. I need to think, Jay. I don't know how to feel; what to do. I need to think."

"Fair enough. Do you want to go home?"

I thought about it and nodded. "Yes."

We dismantled the camp in silence and trudged back down the mountain. I knew Jay was sneaking glances at me but I couldn't look at him. I don't know why. I didn't realise at the time that he might have thought it was because I had a problem with him; with him being gay. I was stupid and thoughtless but that's the way I am. It's wasn't deliberate. That's not the way it was; not at all.

Neither of us slept that night. My parents thought I'd come back because it was so cold and I wasn't about to disillusion them; not right then. I lay in bed, warm and tired but unable to sleep. My mind roved back and forth over the previous years and I began to slot all sorts of pieces into place. I laughed out loud. I cried almost hysterically. I was scared, uncertain, confused and even angry, but not with Jay. I tossed and turned. I got feverish, almost delirious, but by morning I knew.

The conclusion of my hours of torment came with the dawn and finally brought me peace and rest.

I awoke late and stood in the window, stretching and yawning, soaking up the cold winter sun. Something caught my eye and I noticed Jay in his garden, sitting with his back to the tree, hugging his drawn up knees. He looked so – sad. 

I dressed quickly and grabbed a piece of toast before saying I was going out with Jay and ran from the house. I didn't bother knocking, I never have. Letting myself in at the side gate I ran around the back.

Jay looked up when I came striding across the grass. I don't know what he saw on my face because he looked scared, really scared. But I was on a mission and I wasn't going to let something like fear get in the way.

When I got to him I yanked him to his feet without a word and towed him by the hand out of his back gate, along the bank of the river, through the hedge and into our special hiding place. We'd been going there ever since we were children. It was our place; the place where no one else came, where no one bothered us or threatened us— where we were safe. But Jay wasn't feeling safe; I could feel it and I didn't care.

As soon as we got there, still without saying a word, I backed him against a tree, quite roughly; in fact I hadn't been gentle since the first moment; and demanded. "Did you mean it?"

"What?" He looked scared to death, as if he thought I was going to hit him.

"Last night; those things you said. Did you mean them?"

"Yes," he whispered, looking away.

"You love me? I mean really love me... like... in love with me?"

"Yes," he whispered again and I could almost taste the fear in his voice. I pulled his face up and made him look at me.

"And you really think I'm beautiful?" I asked quietly.

At the change in the tone of my voice his eyes widened and his voice was filled with a kind of desperate hope. "Yes."

"You have shit in your eyes, Redwood," I laughed, and then I kissed him.

And that was that. From that moment on we were together; an item. I had a boyfriend and it was Jay and life was great.

We talked about telling people and decided it was a bad idea. We needed time to get used to it ourselves first. There were only a couple of weeks of term left and then it would be Xmas and we would have time to talk and think. Our exams were coming up and then we would be done with school forever. Would it really be so hard to wait?"

We told Jay's parents of course because they were uber cool and had pretty much known that Jay was in love with me forever. They were so happy that it had finally happened and it was good to have a place to go where we could be free; be ourselves. We also told a couple of very good friends.

And that brings us right back to telling my dad.

He was, of course, absolutely fine with it once I'd explained that I'd only just worked it out myself and hadn't been keeping it secret... as such.

That wasn't the problem. Neither was the fact that he told my mother the next day. My mum is way cool too; not a vicious, bigoted, homophobic bone in her body.

No. The problem was that the conversation in which he told her was overheard by my brother who, unfortunately has quite a lot of vicious, bigoted and homophobic bones in his body. Even that wouldn't have been too much of a problem if he hadn't gone out and told his equally vicious, bigoted and homophobic friends.

Although over a year younger than me, Michael was already bigger and hung out with a group of thugs; some his age and some mine. How any of them made it into the 6th form I will never know.

Anyway... right up to that point everything was still pretty much accidental. Even Michael was doing nothing but sounding off to his friends and didn't actually expect any of them to do anything about it. They wouldn't have been stupid enough to suggest to him that they do anything about it. Maybe we weren't close but we were family and family matters.

On the big day we had lunch early. We didn't often eat in the school dining room as we generally brought something in to the common room or slouched off down to town; especially if we didn't have lessons after lunch.

I can't honestly remember why it was different that day. There must have been a reason but it really doesn't matter now.

We were having a great time as usual. We were all fairly popular and well known and our table was always the liveliest, usually including a large number of younger kids who seemed to like us. A couple of my friends had younger brothers or sisters and I think that's how it started but by that day there were usually a crowd of about 20 mixed ages who sat together and had a laugh. Maybe that's why we stopped using the dining room very often. It was a lot to handle every day.

I was on fire. Me, Jay and two others (Suzie and Jeff) were throwing one liners back and forth and bouncing things off one another that had the rest in stitches. Most of them had no idea about Jay and me and we played them outrageously. I was so happy; with Jay there right next to me and all my friends around me. I remember thinking that life was awesome and just couldn't get any better. I was right of course. What I didn't realise was that it could get a lot worse.

We were just about finished and ready to move on to whatever we were going to do... Oh yeah, I think it might have been some kind of music practice for the school play. My, Jay and a couple of others were in a band and we were going to play. Anyway, I needed the loo and I went on ahead while the others cleaned up and got their things together. I'd just walked out of the dining room when I was hit by a truck.

Not literally of course. It was actually Tommy Ray, one of Michael's gang, and some of his mates. I found that out later because at the time I had no idea who or what hit me. They must have been watching and waiting. They came at me from behind – bloody cowards, and the first thing I knew anything was happening was finding myself on the floor.

I was dizzy from the start because I must have hit my head, and suddenly everything was muted and far away. It was as if it was all happening to someone else. I just lay there while they kicked me. They were shouting something but it didn't really register. It didn't occur to me to wonder why they were doing that to me. It didn't occur to me to wonder anything. I wasn't really there and anyway, it was all so fast. I heard something snap but didn't really feel any pain. I suppose it was shock or adrenaline or something.

And then it stopped and everything was quiet. There was a buzzing in my ears, or my head, which made it difficult to hear anything. I'd been lying on my side but someone rolled me over onto my back, and I still didn't feel any pain.

I found myself staring up at a ring of faces, searching for one in particular. When I found it I smiled.

Jay was saying something to me; probably something like 'Oh my God Ash, are you alright?' but all I heard was his voice making a jumble of sounds through the buzz. I stared at him, as his face got closer. He tried to help me up but I had neither the strength nor the volition to move. 

It wasn't that it hurt, although the pain was starting to kick in by then. It was just that my body didn't seem able to understand what was going on any better than my brain and decided that staying put was the best idea.

That was when I first felt the darkness. I wasn't scared of it then because I had no idea what it was. I was feeling very tired and it was just darkness, creeping in over the edges of my mind. For a short time my hearing kicked back in but all I heard was a jumble of noises. Someone screaming; someone crying; a teacher's voice issuing commands. I briefly wondered if I was going to get into trouble for lying on the floor, but I didn't care, not even when the headmaster's face appeared. He looked less sure and more kindly than I've ever seen him.




The Darkness



"Ash. Can you hear me?"

Well of course I could hear him. He was right there, and I wasn't deaf. It was just... just... well my hearing was okay but it didn't seem as if my eyes and voice were doing so well. I tried to focus on him but my eyes seemed to keep sliding away and when I tried to tell him that I could hear him and could he please help me up because it was getting bloody uncomfortable on the floor, all that came out was a kind of strangled croak.

"It's alright, Ash. Just lie still for a moment. Help is on its way. We've called your parents."

Bloody hell. I got a bit scared then; not because of what had happened or the fact that there was definitely pain in my – well all over really – by now. No. It was those dreaded words. 'We've called your parents'. That was never good. That meant that in one way or another I was in deep shit and I couldn't for the life of me work out why. What had I done?

Someone was holding my hand and I was pretty damned sure that it wasn't the headmaster. "Jay?" My voice worked that time but it was very soft and I didn't think he would have heard, but he had.

"I'm here. I'm here, Ash. Oh God. Oh God why did this happen? Why you? Why you and not me? Oh God, I love you, Ash. Please, please be okay.

I wondered vaguely whether maybe he shouldn't be saying those things; here where people would hear, but hey – if he was cool with it then so was I.

I meant to say. 'I love you too. Don't worry I'm fine, it'll be okay.' But it came out as "Love... love you... okay." And I was surprised that it seemed to make Jay even more upset. I squeezed his hand and tried to smile but by then the darkness, which was still no more than an irritation, was coming in fast and the world contracted to Jay's face and then winked out.

I roused briefly to hear my mother's voice shouting at someone; clearly very upset and I obviously assumed that she must have been upset with me. I managed to mumble "Sorry." But then the anger turned soft and she leaned close, trying to smile. I tried to smile back but I was really just raising my head above the surface and almost immediately sank again.

After that there were brief impressions of voices and movement, which was really waking up the pain, before I let myself sink completely into the darkness which, at that time seemed like a friend.

The next time I was really aware of anything I was lying on something hard; curled on my side with cool cotton under my cheek; the smell of plastic, and the taste of vomit in my mouth. Someone was stroking my hair. At first it felt really nice and I just wanted to lie there and float in the sensation of the stroking. The darkness was still lurking at the corners of my mind but I really didn't care. It was soft and I wasn't afraid of it at all.

Someone was calling me. It seemed like they were a long way away, distorted somehow. "Ashton. Ashton sweetheart, can you hear me?" I didn't recognise the voice so I ignored it. "Come on sweetheart, open your eyes for me." I sighed and started to slide back towards sleep.

Someone took my hand and a shadow fell across my face. "Ash. Please wake up. I'm scared. Please." That voice, I did recognise although there was a strange note in it that bothered me. Jay was upset. Why was he upset? 

With considerable effort I managed to open my eyes to be presented with a world of blurred shapes and colours.

"Ash; oh God Ash; I thought you were dead. Are you alright?"

"Easy now." The first voice said again, gently. "Let's give him a chance to come round a bit."

"I'm sorry. It's just..."

"I know honey, I know."

The hand started stroking my head again very gently. "There we go," the voice said softly. "Take it easy now. Just try to take some nice deep breaths until things settle down a bit."

I tried to do as she said but it was not a pleasant experience. For one thing it sent a stab of pain shooting through my chest and side which was not unbearable but still made me gasp. For another I realised that there was something covering my face and I panicked.

I tried to raise my hand to free myself but it wasn't happening. It took enormous effort to raise it a couple of inches. Instead I decided to turn my head to dislodge whatever it was that had made me feel so claustrophobic. I had a bit of a problem with that generally and in my confused state it was really notching up the panic by the moment.

"Ssh. It's alright sweetheart. I know it hurts but it'll be alright. Lie still now."

"No." I whispered and shook my head, my panic making me pant which hurt my chest, blurred my eyes and made me feel even more claustrophobic. I heard the voices speak again but I didn't know what they were saying because I was too focussed on the panic and the pain. And then suddenly I was free and Jay's face was right in front of me.

"Steady, Ash. Chill. Listen to me. Listen." Okay, I thought. Seems okay now. No more suffocation, No more... well okay, the pain was still there; in fact the pain was really bad but I could handle it. I could handle anything if Jay was there. I felt a cool hand on my face, the thumb stroking my cheek. I closed my eyes and smiled, turning my head slightly into the touch.

"Ash?" He sounded scared; so scared. I opened my eyes again, wondering what could have made someone as strong as Jay so scared. It must have been something bad. Was it hurting him? Is that what was hurting me? 

"Jay?" When I looked at him he was smiling and that made me really confused. Was he scared or not? He looked scared still but he was smiling.

"It's okay, Ash. You scared me; that's all." I scared him? What did I do? "Ash babe, you need to listen to me. You're in hospital. It was that bastard Tommy Ray and his sick mates. They hijacked you – cowards! They hurt you, Ash – a lot; and I've been so scared for you."

Well that explains a lot. So maybe I wasn't in trouble after all. "You're going to be alright but you have some broken ribs." And that explains the pain. "You can't breathe properly right now because of your ribs. You can't breathe in all the way because it hurts too much, so you have to have oxygen to help you. I know you don't like it but you have to wear the mask, okay."

Hmm. Pretty much everything was explained now, but there are still a few things I needed to get straight. "No.... Talk...." Hell; that was weird. Speaking whole sentences but having only a few words actually come out was seriously strange. My mouth, I realised was really dry; my tongue practically sticking to the roof and feeling about five times too big. I tried to moisten it but all that happened was that it made me gag.

"Is your mouth dry sweetheart?" The nurse; at least by then I was assuming it was a nurse; said. "Hold on I'll just go and get you a sip of water." 

I wasn't going to let a dry mouth hold me back though. "Why?" It was practically just a twitch of the lips but Jay understood. He shook his head.

"I don't know. You couldn't have done anything to them. Not that you would have. We were right behind you but by the time we got there it was pretty much all over. It looks like they came from behind you and slammed your head into the wall. When you fell down they kicked the hell out of you."

I frowned. Tommy Ray was one of Michael's friends. Had Michael done something and they were taking it out on me? Suddenly, I had a stab of fear. Michael; had they hurt him too?

"Michael." 

Again Jay knew exactly what I meant. "It's okay, Ash. Michael's okay. I don't know why they came after you but Michael's fine. He was here but he's gone home now."

I nodded and smiled, relieved. "M... Mum... I... upset." 

I never realised Jay had mindreading powers until then. "You didn't upset your mother, Ash. She's upset because you were hurt. At first you were right out of it and we didn't know... we didn't know if you were going to be okay."

"Oh."

"She's fine now we know you're going to be alright. She's just gone for a walk. We've been here for ages. They're waiting to take you for some x rays and scans and then you'll get a proper bed and you can rest."

"Rest?" What the hell else had I been doing? I nodded anyway. Then I groaned because the pain in my side seemed to be spreading to my stomach.

"Are you in pain?"

That had to be in the running for the stupidest question in the universe. I nodded and he leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead.

"Better now?"

I shook my head and he looked alarmed for a moment but then he saw my smile and lit up. He kissed me again, on the nose.

"How about now?"

I shook my head again and then he kissed me properly. By this time I was able to raise my hand to stroke his face and hair. He raised his head and looked at me. I was starting to feel a bit strange. My chest was burning and there was a strange, metallic taste in my mouth. I was getting quite hard to breathe so I figured it was time to put the mask on.

"Hard... to... breathe." I managed to gasp out and Jay smiled.

"Well, if you hadn't been so stubborn about wearing the mask in the first place you wouldn't be suffering for it now would you?"

At first the oxygen helped but it didn't take away the weird pressure in my stomach and chest. At first it had only been on one side but by then it was all over and felt like someone was squeezing me from the inside. I was definitely feeling weird and the pressure was getting very uncomfortable. The more difficult it got to breathe; the more my chest heaved and the more the pressure and pain grew.

"Here you are sweetheart." The pleasant voice said close by. But then the tone changed. "Ash? Are you alright? Ash?"

"What's wrong?" Jay asked, sounding alarmed.

"How long has he been like this?"

"Like what?"

"Ash, are you with us sweetheart?"

I can't honestly say that I was at that point. I tried to say something but there was a really weird feeling in my chest and throat and it made me cough. Boy did that hurt. Everything was starting to feel as if it was rushing backwards; the whole world disappearing into the distance. 

I heard the nurse calling me but it was far away. I coughed again and was shocked when my mouth filled with water. Where did that come from? Had the nurse given me a drink after all? I didn't like it; not at all because it made me start to choke and that made me panic.

"No. Ash don't. Pease don't. Don't die. Please Ash don't die."

Was I dying? It didn't make sense. Why? How? It's strange, the thoughts that go through your mind when you're dying; and I think, now, that at that point I was. It certainly wasn't the case that my whole life flashed in front of my eyes. All I could think of was that I'd never get to have proper sex with Jay. What can I say? I was a teenager with his first boyfriend and years of hormones suddenly kicking in. To say I had a one tracked mind would have been an understatement.

Much later I found out that what had happened was that one of my broken ribs had actually splintered. It hadn't shown up on the preliminary X-rays because it had splintered inwards. When I did my panicking freak out I'd managed to drive the rib into my lung which had proceeded to fill with blood. That's what caused the pressure in my chest. It was blood I'd coughed up before I passed out.

Apparently it was quite dramatic when the face mask filled with blood. And then I coughed again and it went all over Jay when he got too close as the nurse took the mask off. I was told he fainted but he vehemently denies it.

Oh and I forgot to mention that the whole situation was made a whole lot worse by the fact that I'd been bleeding into my abdomen the whole time. Yep, I think that at that point I was pretty much dead and the only thing I could think of was screwing Jay. I think the thoughts must have carried on after I passed out because I had some pretty vivid dreams.

And then the dreams faded and there was only the darkness; but this time it was scary. It seemed to push in on me from every direction and there were flashes of red everywhere. No matter which way I turned there was only darkness and those red flashes which kept coming at me like lightening bolts.

There was nothing I could do to avoid them; nowhere to run, nothing to hide behind; no escape. They came rushing at me; pulsing, blinding, screaming silently into my mind. They hurt me too. In a place where I had no body they hurt my soul. I was terrified; more scared than I have ever been.

I have no idea how long I cowered in the dark but gradually I became aware of something. There was a light ahead that hadn't been there before. At first it was dim, just a lightening of the darkness which was still not ready to let me go. But now I had a goal; something to work towards. 

I can't say that it wasn't tempting to stay where I was. At least I knew I was safe there... kind of. I had no idea what I would find when I reached the light but I didn't care. I could have stayed there huddled in the darkness too scared to move. I could have waited until the darkness consumed me; and trust me it was trying. Fortunately, I was too curious and too stubborn. I had to move; had to do something and no matter what I found at the source of the light it couldn't be worse than the darkness.

As I walked towards the light I began to hear sounds far away in the distance. They seemed to be coming from the same direction as the light. That was the first time it occurred to me that I might be dead. Walk into the light? Fuck that. I'd walk towards it until I knew what it was but there was no fucking way that I was going to go anywhere unless it was back to Jay. No way I was giving up on that; on him.

So I trudged warily through the lightening dark. The red flashes seemed to be fading out: I was leaving them behind in the darkness as it faded into the light. As I grew nearer to the source of the light the sounds got louder. Some of them resolved into voices; strange ones that I didn't recognise, speaking a language I didn't understand.

And then; just when I thought I would find out what the light was all about, I fell. 'Oh shit' I thought as I plummeted downwards with a body that didn't exist, through space and time that wasn't there. I was pretty sure that I was dead and being sucked... somewhere. If I had had a voice I would have been screaming but it wasn't with fear. I was angry as hell.

And then – a moment of extreme disorientation and the light was there again except that this time it was coming from behind closed eyelids and I had a body again; my body. There were sounds all around me; voices talking in quiet tones, some I recognised, some I didn't; the sounds of footsteps, breathing, crying; strange mechanical clicking, whirring and beeping and over it all a deep rhythmic pulsing that I didn't recognise at all.

As I became aware of the sounds I also became aware of my body again. I was lying on my back with my head raised. I was hurting all over but not too badly. It was mainly a dull ache that made me well aware of its presence, but didn't make me want to scream. This was just as well because I wouldn't have been able to scream if I had wanted to on account of the great lump of plastic in my mouth that I was in danger of chipping my clenched teeth on. 

I had a fleeting and somewhat ludicrous daydream that one day that piece of plastic and I were going to have a battle with my teeth as my army, and I was going to chew the thing to bits and spit it out. It wasn't that I particularly hated it, it was just... strange and I couldn't work out what it was and why it was there.

In fact I was generally confused and it took me a while to realise that the chunk of plastic wasn't just in my mouth making my jaw ache and teeth itch; but it went all the way down my throat. For a blinding moment there was complete and utter panic; but I was getting clearer and managed to drag myself away from the edge of the chasm. I knew where I was; I knew what was happening and I knew that if I was going to choke on the plastic I would have done so by now. 

I was okay. I kept repeating that and focussed on the hiss and click of machinery that synchronised with the rise and fall of my chest. My throat relaxed around the tube and I stopped wanting to cough and choke. I was quite proud of myself when I managed to get calm and reasonably comfortable and I declared a temporary truce with the plastic.

That being resolved I extended my awareness to other parts of my body. I was fairly comfortable although it was quite hot even thought I was only covered by a thin sheet. I had a flash of embarrassment when I realised that I was naked underneath but that was ridiculous so I pushed it aside.

Someone was holding my hand, presumably my mother or Jay. I was slightly startled when my other hand seemed to rise from the bed of its own accord and something pressed against my wrist. Stupid. I was going to have to stop freaking out at everything. It was just a nurse taking my pulse. It would be a lot easier if I could see her.

I paused to take stock. Okay... I was obviously in hospital and just as obviously in deep shit. I noticed a sound that had been in the background for a while; soft crying and I realised that someone was upset because of me. That decided me that it was probably a good time to let everyone know that I was back. It was then that I made the scariest discovery of all – I couldn't move. Although I could hear and think quite clearly and I could feel ever ytouch, I couldn't move.

I started to panic in earnest. I was screaming inside and the darkness laughed at me. I heard someone speak, their voice urgent. The words 'in distress' were the only ones that filtered through. I heard Jay call my name and I tried; I really tried to answer him but I couldn't, goddamit; I couldn't. The strange throbbing intensified and the shocking realisation came to me that it was my own heartbeat. 

And then the darkness came for me. This time I fought it. I was terrified of the dark place; the lonely place; the nothing place. Here, at least I had Jay. What if I didn't come back? What if I had to stay there alone in the darkness? Had all this just been to say goodbye? No way. No way was I going to say goodbye. I was going to get back to Jay no matter what. I was... I was...   

It didn't matter how hard I fought; the darkness was relentless. It didn't fight back, it just gently but irresistibly took me away and then I was alone again. I raged and cried and begged but there was no one there; no one to hear. 

Sometimes I heard voices. They seemed to be close; but not close enough to make out what they said. I always ran towards them but they always faded away in the end. Sometimes I felt I was too tired; too demoralised to run but as long as there was a chance they would lead me back to Jay I always followed.

And then; suddenly the light was there and I embraced it totally, throwing myself at it and falling as before.

This time there was no preliminary getting used to things slowly; I was totally and completely 'there' and the first thing I was aware of was someone crying; no sobbing. Jay? I wanted to reach out, just touch his hand to let him know that I was okay; to make some contact, in some small way, but he was as distant as the moon. The panic at not being able to move was muted this time; overlaid with frustration.

"Sweetheart, I know you're upset but this really isn't doing either you or Ash any good." My mother. She was there. That was good.

"I know. I just..." Not Jay then, I realised with surprise; Michael. "I did this Mam. I was just... shocked. I never meant... I never... I didn't know that this was going to happen. I swear it. I don't care, Mam; I don't care what he is. He's my brother and I love him; I really do. I love him and I... Oh God Mam, it's so fucked up. I am so sorry. I didn't mean... It's my fault: it's all my fault. I killed Ash."




The Darkness



Woah! Hang on just a goddamn minute there. It was nice to know that my brother loved me and all, but this talk of killing me... not good.

"Michael; stop it. Don't you dare speak like that. It wasn't your fault, any of it. You were foolish and made some bad choices but you didn't know that this was going to happen. This is not your fault and you have NOT killed your brother. Ash is going to be alright." Good old Mum.

"But he... he's so..."

"I know," she said more kindly. "I know it looks bad but he's strong and he's stubborn as hell. He's fighting it, I know. He trying his best to come back to us; and I know he will. I know it. Aren't you baby?" I felt someone touch my face and hair: it felt good.       

"Why do you keep talking to him? He can't hear us."

Like fuck, you retard. Like you would know. You wait until I can slap your face for talking to Mam like that.

"Oh, I don't know Michael; sometimes I think he can. Sometimes I have a feeling that he's here; close; wanting to come back to us, just not quite there yet. I feel that by talking to him I'm drawing him closer; giving him a reason to keep fighting; to come back."

She took her hand away and started to cry. Oh Mam; I don't need a reason to keep fighting. I will come back I WILL.

The whole exchange exhausted me and when the darkness came again I had no energy to fight it. I remembered that somewhere I had heard someone say that you need to pick your battles. You fight the things that are really important; the battles you need to win. All the rest... just let them go. So I let it go; I let the darkness take me.

After that there were lots of times I found the way back. Sometimes there was a lot of action around me and I felt sick and confused. Sometimes I was drifting and unable to gather any sense; any focus. But sometimes I knew exactly where I was and what was going on around me. I heard my mother and I heard Jay. I even heard the doctors telling them that the longer I stayed asleep the less likely it was that I would wake up.

They started talking about brain damage and organ failure and long term maintenance and the words scared me; but also made me feel angry. What the hell did they know? Brain damage? I wouldn't be thinking like this if I had brain damage... would I? Fuck. I was letting them get to me. I was starting to believe their crap myself. This was my life; mine, and I wasn't about to let them talk me out of it.

So I kept coming back; kept trying to move; to speak; to let them know I was there, but it just wasn't happening. I knew I was tiring; starting to get weaker, more exhausted every time and I knew that there was a chance that I wouldn't be able to keep going; to keep fighting. But I was damned if I was going to stop until I absolutely had to.                                                                         

And then came that day; the terrible day; the last day. I was having one of my more lucid moments, just lying quietly and listening to everything. Now and again a nurse would come in and do what they did and then leave again. They keep turning me over; I don't know why, but it was nice. I liked it best when I was lying on my side facing the door. I knew it was facing the door because that's the way everyone came from. I liked facing it because then I would be facing Jay when he came. 

When I was lying on my side Jay would sit down and bring his face really close to mine when he talked to me. Sometimes I could feel his breath and sometimes he would even kiss me. Those were the times when I knew for sure that I wasn't in hell.

That day though, I was lying on my back when he came in. I knew it was him because of his smell. Lying there with nothing else to do, not even breathe, my senses got really acute and I could hear; smell and feel things that I otherwise wouldn't, when other things got in the way. 

I waited for him to touch me; he always touched me, but that day he didn't. He just stood there. I wished I could see his face; see what he was looking at; what his expression was. I thought that I could feel his sadness but I didn't know. It was at times like this that I wanted to cry; I wanted to be able to cry. I could feel his pain and knew I was causing it. Sometimes it was almost unbearable; almost.

It seemed as if Jay was waiting because he stood there for a while, until the nurse came and went and then he sat down and I gave a metaphorical sigh of relief and pleasure. It didn't last long.

Jay took my hand and held it really tight. That's when I knew that there was something wrong. He didn't usually hold it that tight and his hand was shaking. He leaned over and stroked my forehead with his other hand.

"You're so beautiful, Ash," he said and there was something strange in his voice; something that made me really nervous. "You've always been beautiful but, I don't know, since we got together you've been getting more and more beautiful every day." His fingers traced my face, gently brushing my forehead; eyelids; nose; cheeks. If I could have I would have sighed. It felt so good.

"Oh Ash; why did this have to happen? We were happy. I have never been so happy. You have always been the best thing in my life, even before we got together. You're so much better than me. You pull me up. I'm so sorry that I didn't realise that meant that I would pull you down." You what?

"This was my fault. If I had just waited until after school was finished this would never have happened. We could have had the whole summer together and then gone off to college with a clean slate; free to be whoever we wanted to be. But no; I had to rush it: I had to spoil it. It was just... that night... when we were watching the stars. You were so... pure. I loved you so much it physically hurt me. And then you were so... you. I couldn't help myself. I didn't know. I didn't know I was dooming you.

"Why did it have to be you? If they wanted to hurt someone why couldn't it have been me?" Because; if it had been I would have died inside anyway. Because you're stronger than me. Because it was my stupid brother and his stupid friends who did this. I can think of a lot of reasons Jay and every one's a good one; not that it makes any difference to you right now, I'm sure.

"I can't bear it, Ash. I'm sorry but I can't. You were always the strong one; always. Maybe it seemed that it was me but it wasn't. I was the one who pushed forward; who did the fighting and mouthing off... but inside, where it really matters, you were the strong one; the one who always knew what to do; who could always find a way. That's one of the reasons I love you; your strength.

"But I haven't got that strength; that inner calm. I can't do this, Ash. I can't do it on my own. With you by my side I can do anything but without you I'm nothing. I can't cope with this Ash; I never could but... When it first happened I thought I could will you through it; that my love was so strong it would find you wherever you were and bring you back. But I couldn't." Yes you could; you did. You don't know it Jay; not yet but you did. You made me fight the darkness, Jay.

"I've sat here and watched you sleep and I've prayed. I've prayed to everyone I could think of but no one answered." I did. I answered. It was silently but I answered. "I've watched every flicker, every movement. I've watched the numbers on the machines and listened to what everyone's said and I don't have hope any more.

"I know that there are people who have done this for years; sat beside the one they love and waited; kept hope alive in their hearts, but I can't. Maybe I'm weak and a fool. I know it hasn't been long; not that long but... I've heard what they say. No one expects you to wake up, Ash; no one. They are talking about moving you to a long term rehabilitation unit. Rehabilitation? Hah... that's where they put people to fade away when there's no hope; no chance." The bleakness in his voice was chilling. It's as if all emotion had leaked out of him. Although he was still touching me; stroking me I could feel that he'd completely withdrawn and there was nothing but a shell left. Was that how he saw me? I wasn't thinking about what he said; about the plans they had for me, all I cared about was him.

"I couldn't do that, Ash. I couldn't go to that place every day and sit by your side waiting for you to die. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry but I just can't. I know I promised I would never leave you but I can't stay. I just can't stay; not without you."

What? He was leaving? He was leaving me? He was going away and leaving me? No. My heart thudded in my chest; twisting painfully. If I could have I would have shouted at him. 'No, don't go.' But I couldn't. I couldn't even cry. The monitor gave a strange little beep to register the change in the speed of my heartbeat. I'd worked out most of the sounds now and how they related to what was happening to my body.

For an instant I felt Jay tense but then he sighed. "I would have been worried about that, Ash; I would have wondered what it meant; whether you were getting better; worse. I would have told you to hold on... to please, please hold on but..." He stroked my hair and I knew he was looking into my face. I so wanted to open my eyes and look into his.

"They say that even if you do wake up now you probably won't be you any more. I couldn't stand that. I don't know if you are going to wake up or not Ash and to be completely honest at this point I really hope you don't." Wait. What? He wanted me to die now?

"I want to be with you again. I want to hold you and see your smile and look into your eyes and I've lost any hope that I will ever see them again in this life. They keep saying that a miracle could happen and that we shouldn't give up just yet but I have, Ash; I have given up. This should never have happened; never. You are too good for this. You are too good and pure and beautiful for it all to end like this and I can't sit here and watch it happen. It's only been a few weeks but I've watched you slip away a little more every day." No I haven't. "How much longer before I watch you disappear altogether? I can't do that."

What did that mean? 'can't sit here and watch it happen'? Where was he going to go? What was he going to do?

"I love you so much; too much maybe. I can't live without you, Ash and I really, really don't think you are going to come back to me. I know that you are strong and that if you do come back you will understand and forgive me. I want to be with you again. I know that isn't going to happen; not here so... if you can't come to me then I will have to come to you." He sounded more positive; his voice firmer but... Woah. SHIT. Surely he couldn't mean what I thought he meant. He couldn't be thinking of...

That's when I started to fight. Okay, I had been giving it a bit of a go but nothing like this. I was scared; more scared than I can ever remember being in my life. If I didn't get this stupid body working RIGHT NOW my beautiful, beautiful Jay was going to do something really, really bad.

He leaned forward to kiss my forehead. "Goodbye, Ash. Maybe I'm a coward. Maybe I'm a fool but I know that if you could have come back you would have come back. You have no idea what it's been like; sitting here and watching the crap they've been doing to you. When the breathing tube gets blocked they have to suck it out and it makes you choke and your heart goes crazy because you can't breathe while they're doing it. And they have to feed you through a feeding tube. You have tubes and needles in you everywhere and they inject drugs into you twenty times a day. That's all that's keeping you alive and what's the point in that? How can you ever come back to me from this?

"The worst thing of all is when they move you around. Even when they just lift your hand it's so... lifeless. I have never seen you anything but full of... no bursting with life. Even when you were asleep you were always moving. I can't bear this; I just can't. Please understand. I can't live without you and I can't live with you like this."

I was going crazy by then. I knew what he was talking about; I KNEW it and I had to just lie here and let it happen? I had to let the one I love walk out of that room and walk out of life? LIKE HELL I WOULD.

My body was like a lump of lead but my heart and soul were writhing; screaming; fighting. I was literally screaming at my useless body to move: just a bit; just enough. There was nothing on the outside to show the huge struggle that was going on inside. I was screaming and sobbing; begging God; the universe; anyone. 'Please, please don't let him die. Please let me stop him before it's too late. How could I ever live with myself if I let him go now? I can't do it. I can't let him go. I can't let him die. I can't... I can't...'

"Goodbye, Ash. I love you more than anything. I have always loved you. We'll be together soon."

No. No, no, no, no, no. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. I had to... I had to... My stupid, useless body was actually beginning to fight now; struggling to surface. Even the monitors were showing the fight because my heart was speeding up. I didn't need that bloody beep to tell me that. I could feel it hammering in my chest as if it was trying to get out.

Jay kissed me once more and I could feel him withdrawing from me. He paused for a moment. "Oh babe... I don't know what's happening with you right now. You're struggling with something." Yes, you fucking idiot. Make the connection. Wake up. You're as unconscious as I am. You're blind. You fucking IDIOT Jay. "Yesterday I would have been worried about that but it doesn't matter now. Just try and hold on for a few hours. Just a few hours, Ash and I'll be there for you. I'll be waiting and I'll catch you when you fall."

No, fuck it. No. I was not going to let him do this. I was not. I was not. His hand started to slip through mine and I put everything I had into holding on. It was slipping, slipping. My fingers twitched. Great. It was a start but not enough; not nearly enough. He had already let go and I knew he was walking out the door.

"Nooooo." Of course it wasn't a word, how could it have been, but it was a sound. It was definitely a sound.

"Ash?"

Come back. Oh please come back; please, please, please Jay. Please come back. I could feel the hot tears scoring down my cheeks but what good would they do if he couldn't see them? I tried to call his name and made another sound. Had he heard? Would he come back? Please, Jay. Please.

"Ash... are you crying? Fuck, Ash. Can you hear me? Did you hear me?"

Yeah... like I was in any condition to answer. So what else could I do? A respite. He came back but would he stay? I knew that the nurses would be there in a minute; swarming all over me because the machines were going crazy. They would push him out and I would never see him again. Hold my hand Jay. Oh please hold my hand.

When I felt the cold fingers slip into mine I concentrated so hard; threw everything I had into holding on to them and suddenly it was as if I had broken through a seal and Jay yelped as I crushed his fingers. Let him yell; the bastard. After what he just did to me he deserved a few broken fingers.

"Ash. Oh my God Ash. You... you..." Yeah; no thanks to you. Although, maybe it was thanks to him. If he hadn't said what he said I wouldn't have fought so hard and who knows what might have happened. The tears were flowing freely now; a feeling of intense relief making me begin to drift again. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't be sure that if I did that Jay would be there when I woke up.

The darkness was tugging at me but for the first time I managed to ignore it; to thrust it aside. This was just too important.

Oh yeah... I knew what to do. I knew what to do to keep Jay with me. It took a lot of effort; a LOT of effort. Before I achieved it the expected battery of medical staff arrived to poke and prod me, trying to work out what was happening. But they couldn't make Jay leave because I was holding on too tight. They tried to pry his hand away from mine but there was no way I was going to let go; no way at all.

I managed to force my eyes open; just a tiny bit, blinking at the light that was harsh after the darkness. The blinking helped and the blurred, flickering images resolved and I was looking at Jay. He was pale; so pale and I could see that he had been crying... a lot.

I barely noticed that there was anyone else in the room but I couldn't shut them out completely, they were too obtrusive. They seemed to swarm and they were everywhere; nurses, doctors, whoever. They were talking to me, I knew it; asking me questions, wanting things of me; to blink my eyes; to squeeze their hands - but my eyes were busy and the only hand I wanted to squeeze was the one already in mine. 

Whatever they did to me I ignored. My eyes were locked with Jay's; willing him to understand; willing him to stay; begging him not to go; not to leave me. He looked stunned, shocked and... scared.

After a while; far to short a while, the darkness started to fight back in earnest. I struggled with it but it kept seeping in and in the end it was sweeping through me in waves and I knew it was going to take me. I was terrified. I didn't want to go to sleep because I was afraid of what I would find, or not find when I woke up. 

My grip on Jay's hand was weakening and I fought to hold on; to stop him being taken away. My eyes begged and pleaded with him even as they began to lose focus and slide away from his. He looked... empty, drained, unsure. Mustering one last burst of energy I squeezed his hand and at last he smiled and nodded slightly. The relief sweeping through me pried my fingers away from the edge of the cliff and I fell.

As I woke I knew instantly that something was different. I was more aware of what was happening around me and, when I tried I found that I could move my hand quite easily. 

"Ash?" I turned my head towards the sound of the voice and opened my eyes. My mother smiled through her tears and brushed the hair from my face. "Oh baby," was all she said: it was all she could say.

I smiled at her. Wait. I smiled. I opened and closed my mouth a few times and licked my lips. My mouth was dry as dust but it seemed I had finally won the battle with that chunk of plastic.

"Are you thirsty sweetheart?" Was I hell? That first sip of water tasted like nectar from heaven; even though it did highlight the fact that I had a really, really sore throat. I lay back with a sigh and relaxed onto the soft white pillows as my mother stroked my hair. Even though my body was assailed by numerous aches and pains; some small, some not so small; I was content... 

Until the memory hit me! I sat bolt upright, although I couldn't sustain it and fell back instantly, gasping with pain. But I was not about to let pain get in my way. "Jay." I gasped through a throat so constricted it could barely let the sound through. "Jay." I had to know. I had to know that he was alright.

"Ssh now, ssh. He'll be here soon. He's not gone far. He's never far away."

"But..."

"Ssh, Ash. You're not strong enough yet. Just relax now. Jay will be here soon."

"No." She didn't understand. He could be... he might be...

"Jay." I insisted and my mother looked alarmed. The monitors were showing my panic again and a nurse appeared as if by magic. She tried to soothe me but I was resolute. "Jay." 

"Ash, you need to relax now. If you don't I'm going to have to sedate you again. You don't want that do you?"

"Smug bitch." Oh hell. After so long being able to think but not speak it was too easy to let thoughts slip out of my mouth. I widened my eyes and swallowed but she just smiled and nodded. 

"I can see you are feeling better. But you still need to rest; to relax."

"Jay." I said stubbornly.




The Darkness



"I have something special planned." I tell you. 

You look at me inquisitively and smile. We enter the room, locking the door, and hanging the do not disturb sign. Opening the curtains, the full moon lights up the room with a Romantic glow. Then taking both your hands in mine, I lead you to a chair next to the window and tell you to sit. Sitting you watch me, wondering what I am up to, excited and curious. I walk over and turn on some soft music, then back to you. You reach out to me but I shake my head not yet. Standing before you, I begin to slowly move the back of my hand down my neck and over my breast. The dress I am wearing is fastened up around my neck and is cut low enough to show only a glimpse of my breast. I never take my eyes off yours. Running my fingers just into the edge of my neckline, one finger brushing over my nipple. Moving the other hand down my stomach and pressing the dress tight between my legs, then back up as I undo the strap and let it fall forward, revealing my breast. As the air hits them, my nipples harden. I reach down and pinch them, making them even harder. You lick your lips as you watch me. Moving closer, I lean in and offer a nipple to your wanting mouth. Sucking it in and swirling your tongue over the tip you lightly bite and suck it harder. I moan with the pleasure of it but back away again. I tell you to unzip me as I turn for you to do so. 

Running your hands over my back you slowly unzip my dress. I hold it up and walk towards the bed. You start to get up to follow but I tell you to stay there. As I reach the side of the bed, I let the dress fall to the floor, only my pink ;ace panties remain. Slowly I bend forward and lower them to the floor as well. I look back at you and see your smile as you watch my bottom pushed out towards you. I stand then and turn to face you, running my hand down between my legs. My womanhood already wet with wanting. I walk close to you now, I lift my leg and put my foot on the side of the chair you are sitting in. One hand playing with my nipples and the other rubbing my clit. Watching you watch me has me so hot and turned on. I press one finger inside my wetness and then bring it to your lips. I trace your lips with my wetness and you can smell my sex as you suck my finger in your mouth. You let out a small moan of enjoyment. Leaning down, I press my lips to yours, wanting to taste me on you. After a deep kiss, I pull you to your feet. I begin to unbutton your shirt, kissing my way down your neck and over your chest as I do. Running my tongue over your nipples, your hands moving slowly over my body as I do. Reaching down, I undo your belt and zipper, letting your pants fall to the floor and pressing my hand against your already hard cock. It is pressing tight against your underwear, begging for release. I slowly kiss down your tummy and around the top edge of them. 

Lowering them to the floor as I go to my knees before you, your cock is so hard and as it is released I slowly run my tongue over the tip, sucking in just the head then back out to run my tongue over the tip again and in the opening. I suck it in just a little once more, before I stand and lead you to the bed...sigh. I turn as we reach the bed and you pull me tight against you again. I can feel the heat of our bodies and my flesh tingles with your touch. You reach down and cup my bottom in your hands pressing me hard against your erection. You start kissing my neck again and down to my breast as I lean back to let you nibble and suck on my nipple, your finger finding the other and lightly pinching it. I moan with pleasure but again I push you away slightly. You get me soooooo hot, but for now, I want to go slow. 

"Get up on the bed sweetie." I tell you. 

You lay in the middle of the bed, your head up on the pillows. There is a Big Mirror on the dresser at the end of the bed. You can see yourself there. Your hand goes instinctively to your cock as you watch me to see what comes next. I get something out of the night stand and climb on the bed and move to the end. On my knees, legs spread, watching you. 

"Stroke your cock for me Honey" I tell you. 

You smile and gladly oblige. Watching you stroke your hard cock has me steaming with passion. I rub my breast with one hand and then show you what is in the other. Its a small vibrator. I turn it on and move it over my nipples. All the while watching you watch me and rub your cock. Slowly, I move it down my stomach and across my clit. My breathing heavier now, pinching one nipple, rubbing the vibrator over my clit and watching you. Spreading my legs more, I move the vibrator and enter it into my pussy. 

I moan with the feel of it. In and out and you stroke and watch me...then back to my clit...I feel my orgasm building and you are so fascinated watching me that your hand freezes as your watch my body spasm and my juices flow from me. I quiver and lay the vibrator aside. Moving up between your legs now, I run my tongue over your balls and up your throbbing cock. Licking and sucking it slowly, I move over to the side now and I lean in for a passionate kiss. 

"I want you to taste me love." 

You smile and remove the pillow under you. Knowing what I want, I move on top of you and straddle your face. Pressing my pussy down to your mouth. My head is towards your feet so that I can suck you as you eat my pussy...PURRRRRRRRRR.

Sucking you in all the way sends a jolt thru you. You suck in hard on my clit as I deep throat you. Then pulling you almost out of my mouth and sucking you back in, I wrap my fingers tight around the base with one hand and fondle your balls with the other. Your tongue is driving me wild now as you lick and suck my pussy. As you suckle my clit, you bring one hand up and ram 2 fingers inside of me deep. I almost squeal with surprise and pleasure. Ohhhhhhhhhh .. You are sucking my clit and finger fucking me as I suck you harder and faster. Looking up, I can watch me sucking you in the mirror, it makes me even hotter! I want to taste your juices. I want to cum on your mouth and face...ohhhhhhhh yesssssss.

Our rhythm increases as we do our moans and need to climax. Hitting us both at the same time, I feel my body quiver as your hips push up, pushing your cock deep in my throat and you explode...MMMMMMMMmm! I suck and swallow all of your juices. Then slowly pulling out all but head which I gently, very gently, lick and suckle to get the last remaining drops...mmmmmmm sooooooo good! I lift off of you then and move around now and come up for a deep kiss. Tasting our juices mixed together is so wonderful. Our tongues play with the enjoyment of it. Then moving my head to your chest, you wrap your arms around me and hug me tight. We lay there sated, relaxed and fulfilled. Sweet talking and giggling together until we are rested. We both know, the night has just beginning! 



The Darkness



You open the door and step in. The space is dark except for the bare light bulb hanging in the middle of it. This is your target, your stage. Nobody has told you this but you feel it. Instinct tells you there is safety in the light and in the darkness you feel you must reach it. As you move across the space your heels click on the floor. They are pencil thin and sky high. Your steps are hobbled by the steep incline of the arch. You feel naked and vulnerable as you cross the darkness, like a rabbit knowing that a predator is close. You feel a chill and goose bumps form on your skin, even though the air is warm and comfortable. You reach the center and stand beneath the bare bulb. Knowing that I am there watching, observing.

It is dead silent as you peer into the darkness. The thought crosses your mind; maybe I am toying with you, maybe I am not here at all. As doubt starts to enter your mind, and as you start to turn your head you hear my voice "Who gave you permission to move." At once you head snaps straight ahead and you freeze. You hear me get up from what sounds like a folding chair and begin to move closer to you. "On the floor" You drop to your hands and knees. 

The corset makes this move difficult, graceless, and you hope I didn't notice you're clumsy, jerky descent to the floor. You keep you head level and don't look up. You watch as my boots draw closer. The toecaps are like mirrors you stare into them as they reflect your beautifully made up face and hair. You watch as the boots start to disappear from your view. I am walking around you, inspecting you. You feel your flesh bubble as my eyes run from one end of your body to the other. There on your knees, the under breast corset squeezing your midsection into a delicate wasp shape, pushing the rest of your flesh into the classic feminine form. Full breasts and rounded ass slipping out of the top and bottom of the restrictive garment.

You feel the tang of leather as the tip of my riding crop glides down the base of your neck and along the lacing of the corset and into the crack of your ass. My footsteps have stopped and you sense that I am standing behind you. You feel yourself getting wet knowing how sexy you must look. You feel the tip of my crop now inside your thighs tapping them, wordless commanding you to open you legs and let me view you in your completeness. I can see your bald pussy, glistening, the wetness, running down your thighs. 

"Hold yourself open." I hiss. You reach back with one hand and with your forefinger and ring finger you unfold the lips of your pussy. Your middle finger hovers above your clit hoping I order you to touch the swollen nub. You look glorious, your delicate manicured fingertips holding back the pink wet flesh. The flow of your wetness having been disturbed by the introduction of your hand having nowhere else to go now dripping on to the floor, pooling. 

You feel the tip of my crop now stroking your clit. I watch as your hips rotate every so slightly hoping I will not notice, silently praying that I will not discipline you for this infraction. Hoping I will let you come. Hoping that I will let you satisfy me. I hear your breath getting raspy, I can't see, but I know your eyes are screwed tight shut and your mouth is hanging open, the blood red lips forming a perfect circle. I am stroking you with the short firm whip, the leather of the shaft soaked in your juices, watching your back rise and fall. The beads of sweat start forming as you balance yourself on one arm. I know you want to cum, need to cum. You are so close. Your whole world has been reduced to this one single event. Nothing else exists or matters, only this is real.

Suddenly, without warning, the leather stops caressing your clit. You become very scared, fearful I will not make you or let you cum. You are terrified I will leave you in the highly aroused state, kneeling half naked on the floor in the darkness, panting. In this instant you realize you are my toy, my pet, my plaything. It excites you and revolts you at the same time. 

The crop is retracted from your slit and you hear my boots making their way around the rest of your body, in a slow deliberate pace. You don't move. You hold still waiting for me to say something. Again you see your own face in the reflection of my boots. Your eyes look crazed and you don't seem to have the same polished look as when we started. I crouch down and take your face in my hands. I tilt it up you find yourself looking directly into my cold blue eyes. "You want to cum" I ask. You nod meekly. "Tell you what, we are going to play a little game".

Your eyes get wide; you've heard this before, you know any infraction to my rules will mean no release. I stand up and unbutton the fly of my pants. You watch with anticipation as the head of my cock emerges. "Up on your knees." 

You hurry your knees. You're at eye level with my cock. You watch as I lick my forefinger and thumb then wrap them around the shaft and start pulling the meat of my cock up and down the length of it. 

"You want to cum?" I ask, knowing the answer. You nod again. "OK, lets make this interesting. Open your mouth." You open your mouth and anticipate me placing my cock in it but I stand just out of reach. Confused you look at me for direction. Still stroking myself I say, "We are going to play a game. I am going to let you finger yourself but in return you have to hold your mouth open wide enough to allow me to put my cock in it without any part of your mouth touching it. If I feel your tongue, lips or any part of your mouth this ends. Are we clear?" 

Without a word you open your mouth. You stretch your jaws wide and I watch as your lips curl all the way up. I step up and place the very tip of my cock in your mouth and continue to stroke myself. This signals you to start fingering yourself. Your eyes show relief as your clit is getting the stimulation it hungered for. You are careful not to touch my cock. It's like a perverse game of "Operation" and my cock is the buzzer.

You bury your middle finger deep in your pussy. The walls sucking on it like a mouth. Your thumb is grinding your clit in tight little circles. I can hear the wet sounds your fingers are making in your crotch and the far away look in your eyes as you feel this much release building. Yet part of you holds on to reality and continues to play the game. You taste and feel cum leaking from the head of my cock and falling on your tongue. You think, "I am not going to fail. I am going to please him." This is the final thought as your pussy explodes in violentorgasm. 

Yet your desire to please me keeps your mouth wide open fighting the primal desire to close around my cock or pull off and scream. As your orgasm finish you realize I am no longer in your mouth. You are on your knees. Both arms are beneath you your ass high the air. You feel me behind you, rubbing the head of my cock in the slit of your well-spent pussy, lubing myself. Your interests peaks as I place the head of my cock directly over the mouth of your cunt and your body tenses I am impale you with a single thrust. It feels like hot oil as my cock travels to the core of your body. 

I can feel the walls pushing aside, allowing me passage. I bottom out as my shaved balls collide with your outer lips. Slowly I start moving; sawing in and out enjoying the sensation feeling my own orgasm building. Your body moves in concert with mine. Your breathing is in tune with filling and vacating of your pussy. You feel the shaft in you getting harder and you know I am going to flood you soon. Sensing myself getting close I begin to pound you, rapidly entering and withdrawing in you. You feel the head buried so deep in you begin to grow larger, filling you, stretching you to capacity. You feel like it has grown twice the size from when I first started. It feels lodged, stuck, you are afraid if I withdraw your insides will be tugged out with this massive head. You feel my hands on your hips pushing and pulling you with every thrust and you know I am close. From inside you feel the giant head split open like the mouth of a serpent and your feel the floodgates open as I cum and cum and cum. Still I am thrusting as I collapse on your back.

We lay in a puddle of sweat and cum for what seems forever, me still inside you until finally I withdraw and roll you over and kiss you. You lay still and I stroke your face. A smile forms on your lips from my actions you realize that you have pleased me.