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Pillar Ch. 04

By: CaringAndDemanding



 Author's note:

This is my first completed novel. While the plot isn't too complex, the goings on in the story are tricky, and with the help and dedication of a friend who reviewed the whole thing, I tweaked the crucial parts of the story to be better.

I wrote this story to explore the main themes that are included in it. I won't spoil anything by going into what the second theme besides BDSM is, but it's always been my intention to write something enjoyable that hopefully makes my reader think about what he or she read afterwards. (While also being nice and hot.)

So please, leave a comment that tells about your thoughts and opinions. I you have some relevant experience that the story reminds you of, by all means, share it with the rest of us.

Voting I leave to your discretion, but I do want to remind you that if you enjoyed the story, giving it a good score will make it more likely that others will find it and enjoy it as well. 

CHAPTER FOUR

1

Alex plopped down at the table Tom an Ruth were sitting. Tom signed the waitress to bring a cup of coffee, and Ruth took in Alex's tired face and said, "So, how did it go?"

Alex rubbed her eyes before she answered. "I didn't know there were others with the same issues. I was the youngest there, some of the things they told about... It was my first time, so I had to speak. There I am, telling my story and I see at least half of them nodding, like they know what I'm talking about. I sit down and they give me a little round of applause, a bit weird, but it felt good. Then they started relating to the story and telling me what they did and how they're trying to deal with it now. It blew my mind. And there's a whole group of them. Thank you so much for helping me find them."

Tom took her hand and squeezed it. "You're working on it, that's all you can do."

Ruth put her hands over Tom's and nodded. "You have to start somewhere."

Alex felt warmed by their words. A few of the people in the group had talked about how important their families were in getting through the mess they'd made of their lives and how much they regretted hurting them. She found it hard to relate, but she didn't dare go to her parents this soon. These two wonderful people would help her fight on. 

Alex put her other hand on top of the pile and squeezed. "Thanks, it means a lot to me. But can we change the subject? I think I've heard enough about sexual addictions for the rest of the week. Between my therapist, college and now my group, there's not much time left to just be normal and relax."

Tom cast a glance at the menu on the wall and said, "Well, they have a new kind of pie. Rhubarb, apple and ginger. Sound interesting?"

"That sounds perfect, you're buying?"

He laughed and shrugged. "I'll let you take advantage of me since I'm powerless against your female wiles."

"Wiles? I think that's the first time I've heard anyone use that word in an actual conversation."

"I could've said you're a sneaky, pie-mooching enchantress, but I prefer to be delicate."

"Oh, really?"

She launched a sugar cube at his face, which he heroically dodged. The second one hit him square in the nose though. "How's that for delicate?"

Tom grinned and put up his hand to bring over the waitress and order three pieces of pie. "It's good to see you smile."

"Yeah, I'm glad you two were in the neighborhood when I called."

He shrugged, "We like the coffee here and the pie is delicious, we actually had a slice earlier."

"Well, if that's the case, I won't say no."

The pie was indeed delicious and Alex let the tangy taste distract her from the emotion stirred up in her group. But all in all, a good first session.

2

Ruth gave her mother a hug and Hilda smiled as she kissed her daughter on the cheeks. "Hi honey. Haven't seen you in a while."

"Hi mom, I thought I'd visit. Is dad home?"

"He's outside in the garden. He'll be finished soon I think. Coffee?"

"Sure, no need to make a fresh batch though."

"Oh, it's no problem."

Ruth sat in the kitchen and watched her mother start up the coffeemaker. The most normal thing in the world, the feeling of home. "Ever since you've been dating Tom we haven't seen you much. I hope that after you move in together you'll still come visit your old mother."

"You're not old mom."

"I know, I know. Just come over, okay? Guess who I ran into last week."

"I can't even begin to guess, mom. Some aunt?"

"No, silly. I ran into Sebastian, you know, your ex-boyfriend. He's such a nice young man and handsome too. I always wondered why the two of you broke up, you never told me much about it."

At the mention of Sebastian, Ruth looked down at her hands. She didn't want to be reminded of him, there was little good to remember. "Oh? How was he?"

Her voice sounded a little shaken and weak, but she played along with her mother so she wouldn't become suspicious.

"Oh, he was in great shape. Sebastien's the one who recognized me actually. He said he couldn't mistake me for anybody else. Such a charmer. He asked me about you."

"He did? I haven't thought about him since we broke up, to be honest."

"I told him you're working as an assistant manager in Fille d'Or and he was impressed. He had to laugh when I told him about the photo-shoot."

"I'd completely forgotten about that."

A small smile returned to her face. She'd been fresh in her first job after getting her MBA and here comes the CEO of Fille d'Or, asking her in the middle of the street if she wanted to model some of the company's bras. Things got more serious after Ruth realized who she was talking to and the shoot ended in a job offer for a small management post. Fille d'Or was all about giving young female talent the opportunity to grow.

Her mother interrupted her pleasant reminiscing and Ruth's smile faded. "He said he'd love to see you again. I invited him over next week. I was going to call you, but here you are so I'm telling you now."

"Mom! I don't want to meet him. I've put him in the past."

"Ruth, I'm sure you can at least be civil to him. He told me he's sorry that things didn't work out between the two of you."

"Is he now? Well, he could've given me a heads up before he left."

"Everybody makes mistakes, Ruth. I'm sure he's not the only one to blame for what happened."

Ruth folded her arms across her chest. "I'm not meeting him."

"Ruth, don't be rude. He's coming over next Wednesday. There's no need to insult him. I told him you'd be there so the two of you could catch up."

"Well, you can catch up without me. I'm leaving."

"Ruth, honey. What's wrong?"

"I've just got to go mom. I'll visit again in the weekend."

"I wish you'd stay a little longer, but okay. Say goodbye to your dad on your way out."

"I will, mom."

Ruth fled the kitchen, leaving half of her coffee. Remembering Sebastian made her feel small and undesirable. She'd never been what he wanted, and he'd twisted her to suit his needs. She shouted out into the garden and her dad's head popped up, he waved at her and she returned the gesture before heading for her car and driving off.

During the ride to her place she remembered the months they'd spent together. At first everything had been fine until slowly he changed, and he became more and more unreasonable. She'd spent too much time afraid and had been too happy to be alone. Jenny was the only one who knew the whole story, and she decided to spend some quality time with her dear friend. She hoped that would chase away the memories.

3

Alex stood in Tom's doorway, her clothes were crumpled and she was shivering. "Alex, I didn't expect you to come by this late."

She gave a helpless shrug and said, "I was walking outside, going nowhere in particular, and I ended up here. I didn't know what else to do, Tom."

"It's alright, let me make you something warm to drink. What do you want?"

"Coffee, black. And pour in something tasty."

"Brandy and sugar okay for you?"

"Sure, whatever you've got."

They waited in silence for the coffee to brew. Alex gradually warmed up and stopped shivering. He handed her the coffee, and she sighed when she took the first sip. "You do everything right don't you?"

"I try. So what has you out on my doorstep at this hour?"

She didn't answer straight away, instead she focused on the blend of rich brandy and bitter coffee that rolled over her tongue. Eventually she gave in to Tom's patient silence and put down her cup.

"Basically, I'm horny. I want to have sex but I don't want to have sex. I mean, I shouldn't. The people in the group say I should wait, so I can start from a clean slate, but I'm crawling up the walls. I haven't had sex in four weeks now. And I even have to be careful with touching myself, in case I'm obsessed. I don't know what to do, Tom. Should I keep waiting? Should I find someone? But I know what I'll find. It'll be just like before, and if I slip once, I know I'll do it again. There has to be something else I can do, something that's not risky."

Tom considered for a while and kept sipping on his drink. Alex looked at him with a mixture of hope and frustration. He stood up and motioned her to follow him. She gulped down the rest of her drink and a shiver ran down her spine. He took her to his bedroom and sat down on the floor with his back against his chair. He pulled out a blanket from under the chair and held it out to her. "I want to tell you a story, Alex. Take off your clothes and settle in between my legs."

Alex was unsure of what to make of his request. She hesitated but still undressed and sat down, waiting for his hands to touch her. But she felt nothing besides the steady rise and fall of his chest. She relaxed against him and allowed herself to just drift on the gentle motion.

"I won't touch you. Is that okay with you?"

She nodded, curious about what was to come. She wanted him to envelop her with his warmth, make her feel pleasant. Just pleasant, that would be enough. "Yes."

"Good. I want this to be something just for you, so I'll pull the blanket over you. I won't be able to see anything besides your curls."

The soft fleece caressed her naked skin, and Alex loved the feel of it. It was warm and not scratchy. The scent of fabric softener still lingered. It made her realize that this place was a home.

"Imagine you're in a room with a bed. The walls are painted in a dark red. There are no windows. Just one door. It's closed right now but the room isn't dark. There's soft lighting, and the corners are just a little shady. You're on the bed, naked. You've been waiting for someone to show up for a long time now, and you're eager to meet this person.

"The door opens and a man steps in the room. He's wearing a mask. It's like the ones the old Greek actors used. It's contorted in a terrible expression of lust. The man comes closer, but you know he isn't who you're waiting for. You get out of the bed, and he can see all of you but it doesn't matter. It's not for him. He may want you, but he's a toothless coward and backs away when you glare at him and step closer. He wants to touch you, and he stretches his hands out towards your breasts, but you slap them away and push him. He falls and crawls backwards through the door opening. It slams shut, and you return to the bed so you can resume your wait.

"The door opens a second time. This time the man doesn't wear a mask. He steps up to the bed and tells you he wants something from you and is willing to give you something in return. You agree and he joins you on the bed.

"He explores your body with his hands, his touch makes you feel alive. Your body yields to him and pushes up against him, it wants this. You start to feel hot. His hand slides along your side and brushes your breast. It's just a light touch, but it's electrifying, a promise. He trails the length of your arm with the tips of his fingers and slips his fingers between yours. He holds your hand in place while the other hand slips a cord around it. Before you know what's happening, your hand is tied.

"You're alarmed now, you try to shove the man aside but he's too strong. You don't give up, you push and pull. He catches your free hand when you try to punch him, and he forces it down so he can secure it. Both your hands are tied now, and your legs soon follow. He has some bruises on his face, but the look in his eyes tells you that you gave him what he wanted.

"Your body responds to the triumph and lust in his eyes. You've been conquered and to the victor go the spoils. Your legs are spread wide open, exposing your desire to him. Your chest is heaving and his eyes are locked on you. You know that in this room, there's nothing but you that exists to him.

"He runs out of patience and drives his cock deep inside of you. Your body arches in its bonds, thrilled to accept him. His hands claw at your body. He mauls your breast and buries one hand in your curls so he can pull your head aside. He kisses and bites your throat while he pounds into you. Your chest is squashed under his weight and you love it. Your body sings with joy and you explode in a climax. He growls deep inside his throat and slams his hips even harder into you.

"Your clit bumps into him with every thrust and you moan and scream while he fucks you, rutting like an animal. There's no end to it, he keeps fucking you, using you violently. And you take it all, every ounce of sex he has to offer gets absorbed into your body. Your tits are squashed against him, your hips welcome his body. Your eyes flash with pleasure, and your hair frames your face like a halo of dancing flames.

"In this moment you're beautiful, a creature that comes to life during these short moments of ecstasy. You scream, and you encourage him and drive him into a frenzy. The bed suffers under the force of his fucking, with every thrust he plunges the weight of his body into your depths until finally he explodes. 

"This is why he came to you, this mind-numbing climax. You make him feel like a conqueror, powerful and assured in his abilities. 

"The man slowly comes down from his high, and he unties you. He stays long enough to make sure you're not hurt, but inevitably he leaves you. He's not who you were waiting for, but if he were to return, you wouldn't throw him out the door like the first man.

"The door opens a third time. A man wearing a blank mask steps into the room. You have no idea who he is. He doesn't speak, but you're not afraid. The man sits down on the side of the bed, takes your hand and pulls you closer. You're still a mess from the last visit, but he doesn't seem to mind. The two of you sit quietly for a time until he stands up, still holding your hand.

"He walks towards the door and you follow him. He steps through the door and you can't see him anymore, all you can see is the hand holding you. You don't know what's outside of the door, you're afraid now. You know this room, it's familiar. There are things you can enjoy, and you know how to deal with problems. It's a simple place where nothing changes.

"What's outside? The hand pulls on yours, urging you on. You close your eyes and step outside. It doesn't hurt, and it doesn't feel cold at the other side of the door. You didn't know what you were expecting. The hand is still there, and you hear something fall on the floor. He must've taken off his mask. This would be a good time to open your eyes."

Alex's eyes snapped open when Tom stopped talking. "What's next, Tom? Tell me what's next."

"That was the end of the story, Alex. There's nothing left that I can tell you. I hope you enjoyed it."

Enjoyed it? Did he even realize what he did to her? The second man had been him, there was nobody else it could be. But she saw the end of the story so clearly in her mind. When she opened her eyes she saw Tom as the third man. Every time. 

She couldn't think straight, her thoughts were sluggish. Her body had been lulled to sleep by the slow cadence of his breathing. The soft hum of his voice had further seduced her into slipping away from wakefulness. "Tom, I..."

"Shush Alex, go to sleep. There's a bed you can use in the guest room."

She gave up on trying to say anything, and Tom carried her to bed. He left her there, tucked away. When he killed the lights, she was already asleep. 

She wouldn't be crying herself to sleep this night.

4

Ruth entered Tom's apartment in a good mood, looking forward to spending the day with him.

"Good morning, Ruth."

Surprised she turned to the kitchen, to see Alex standing there in a white cotton undershirt, boxer shorts and an apron.

"Uhm, hi Alex. I didn't expect to see you here."

"I slept here."

"Oh, is that why you're wearing those clothes?"

"Oh, this? I found them in the room I slept in and changed into them, you know, so I could feel fresh. It's kind of revealing though."

An unpleasant feeling reared its head in Ruth's chest, but she pushed it aside and said, "Yeah, I know. It's my uniform when I'm here."

"I didn't know, I'm so sorry for putting it on. I'll go and change."

"No, no. Leave it on, it's fine."

Alex looked down at her significant cleavage and nodded in understanding. "I wouldn't have pegged it as a uniform, but it kind of makes sense."

"So, why did you sleep here?"

"I didn't know what to do with myself last night so I came here and Tom took care of me, slept like a baby afterwards."

Ruth had to force her smile at the careless answer. "That's great, is Tom in his office?"

"Yup, but we're having breakfast in a few minutes so you might as well wait here."

"I'll go see if he's ready."

"Sure."

Humming, Alex turned back to her preparations. She missed the expression on Ruth's face as she made her way to Tom's office. Ruth knocked on the door and entered, and Tom looked up and smiled when he saw her. "Good morning Ruth, I wasn't expecting you this early."

She smiled an unconvincing smile and said, "I wanted to surprise you with your favorite breakfast, I brought ingredients and everything."

She held up the bag in her hands. "But Alex beat me to it, apparently."

Tom looked at her and held up his hands. "I didn't know she was coming over. She showed up at my doorstep, shivering. I let her in and had her tell me what the problem was. She doesn't know what to do with herself anymore. The best thing I could think of to help her was to tell her a story. I tried to give it some kind of message. I don't know if I succeeded in that. It did lull her to sleep."

"So you didn't sleep with her?"

"No, she doesn't need me to sleep with her."

Ruth sighed and crossed her arms. "Is this going to keep happening? It's like she never leaves."

"Ruth, we don't know what she's going through. All we can do is be there for her even if it's difficult for us."

"And our plans?"

"They'll have to shift, within reason of course."

"What happened to me being your first priority?"

Tom's eyes narrowed when he picked up the tone of her voice. "Ruth, you had some choice words to say about what it would mean if I gave up on Alex now she needs my help with her problems. I've made the commitment now, if you're having second thoughts, then we can always talk about it. But until we decide otherwise, she's in my care."

"Okay, okay. I know. It's just disappointing to lose our time together."

He walked up to her and hugged her. "I know, but she won't be around all the time."

They went to have breakfast and Ruth was quiet, listening to the banter between Tom and Alex. A memory popped up of Sebastian talking to her about one of his friends. There had been a sparkle in his eye that she never saw when he was with her. She relived the suspicion of that moment and the feelings of being inadequate. She tried to push the memory down and block it out. No sense thinking about that guy now. With an effort she got more into the conversation and even laughed with the other two. But things were not okay.


Pillar Ch. 04



5

"Sir, do you have any needs your servant may fulfill?"

Tom was surprised, he had plans for the evening, but not this early. "Little girl, I'm still cooking. Can't it wait until we finish dinner?"

"We haven't been together in a while, Sir."

"It's true that I've been busy these past few days."

He pushed the pan off the stove and leaned against the counter. He stood relaxed, with his arms crossed and a grin on his face. "What did my little servant have in mind?"

"Your servant likes it a lot when you play with her..."

She blushed and clenched her hands together. The way she was fidgeting was just too cute for him to let go.

"When I played with your what, little girl?"

"With her behind, Sir."

"Is that the word I used at the time? I don't think it was, why don't you say it the way you should, little girl?"

"When you were playing with your servant's ass, Sir."

Her face was scarlet now, it didn't seem to matter she'd done what she was hinting at, actually admitting it and talking about it was still embarrassing. Her imagination got carried away and she could see herself writhing on the floor, with Tom driving his hips down, fucking her ass. The picture was so vivid that she squeezed her legs together, trying to hide how much simply asking for it excited her.

She jumped when he blew on her ear and grabbed her. He rolled one of her stiff nipples through her shirt and chuckled when she moaned in response. "Are you sure you want what you're asking for? Ask it again."

"Please use your servant's ass, Sir."

He pulled her against him so she could feel his hard cock against her back. "If I said I had something spectacular in mind that would drive you a little mad, would you still want it?"

Ruth swallowed. Spectacular sounded dangerous, the kind of thing that would make her useless to the world. But she wanted to show him she could take everything he threw at her and still enjoy it. "Yes, Sir."

"Your voice quivered, little girl. I think this'll be fun, for the both of us. Sit down, I have some prep to do. I don't know if your luck is with you or against you though, you don't have a lot of experience with ass play. Ginger might be too much for you."

What did ginger have to do with anything? "Ginger, Sir? What..."

"Don't worry, little girl."

He held up a large piece of ginger, easily the length of his hand. "I was going to use this for tea, but using it on you won't be a waste. I'll peel it so it's nice and smooth. When I'm finished you'll bend over and I'll put it in your little asshole. Here, have a slice and chew it."

Ruth listened with wide open eyes and accepted the small piece of ginger. The potent taste that hit her tongue jolted her. The first hit was fresh and tangy, followed by a warm heat that danced on her tongue. She looked down at the lump still in Tom's hand and her mouth formed an O. He grinned that evil grin of his, there was no way around this now.

Tom took the ginger and set to work scraping off the skin with a spoon. The pungent scent of ginger and lemon filled the room. Every breath Ruth took reminded her of what was about to happen. Her body was shaking, her mouth was watering, her panties were soaked and worst of all, she couldn't stop her ass from clenching and relaxing.

When he finished peeling, Tom touched up some parts and cut a groove at the thick end. Finally, he cut off a thin slice and laid it out in front of her. She reached out to eat it, but he stopped her. "No, Ruth. You can leave that there, it's for later."

She was torn between fear and excitement. What would it be like?

"Come here, take off your panties and drape yourself over my lap."

With trembling hands Ruth undressed and laid down on his lap. He tapped her tiny hole with his fingers, and she jerked and moaned. He laughed at her reaction and said, "I think my little girl is ready. Don't get startled now, it's just water."

The water he splashed between her cheeks felt cold on her hot skin. He put the ginger against her asshole and steadily pushed it in. She loved how it stretched her. There was some tingling, but nothing she couldn't handle. When the whole thing was inserted, Tom grabbed her cheeks and started massaging them and pushing them together. The root wobbled inside Ruth's ass, and the burn intensified.

"Are you starting to feel it, little girl?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Good, I want you to feel more."

It was unlike anything Ruth had ever experienced before. She squirmed to find a position that would relieve some of the heat. But there was no escape. Tom held her hips pressed tightly against his lap, and he prevented her from reaching back and pulling out the root. She had asked for this, but god, this was not what she'd expected. "It's really hot, Sir."

He chuckled and said, "It's about to get worse, believe me."

The heat peaked and consumed all her attention. She focused on that one point of incredible sensation, she couldn't help it. It spread through her, her pussy flowed with juices. Her mind turned into mush, and all she wanted was to rut like an animal.

Ruth trashed in Tom's lap, and he had to use more force to keep her down. But she wasn't struggling to get the ginger out anymore. She wanted to get fucked, badly. He smiled. It was time for his little surprise. He took the slice he'd cut in advance and put it on his finger. His hand slipped between her legs and rubbed it against her clit.

Ruth's first reaction was one of deep satisfaction at finally being given what she wanted. But she let out a squeak when the burning started. She was getting used to the fire in her ass, but the fresh shock doubled her desire. Her juices ran down her thighs, and she didn't want to know what she looked like at that point. If she could've made words she would've begged him to let her go so she could jump him. She wanted him to fuck her, she wanted to fuck him, she didn't care how it went as long as she got fucked.

She struggled and growled until suddenly the pressure was gone. It took her a moment to realize she was free. Her mind clicked, and she jumped up and started fumbling with his zipper. She couldn't get it to work, her fingers wouldn't do what she told them to do. Her desire grew more insistent and when she finally opened the damn thing she cried out in triumph. 

Ruth straddled Tom and without a hint of finesse she drove his cock deep inside of her. An orgasm swept over her, but nothing could stop her at this point. She was driven by a need to move, to fuck and grind herself against this man. She rode him fast with no reserve. Her clit rubbed against him every time she bounced, and her ass squeezed the ginger. The pleasure and the heat blended into a boiling mix.

She moaned and grunted, lost in pleasure. Each time she slammed back down on his cock, a shock went through her. She couldn't remember herself ever being like this. Her body felt electrified, as if her energy was boundless. The ginger had unleashed an animal side of her.

Ruth fucked herself past the point of exhaustion, and Tom had to hold her hips down to stop her. He'd enjoyed the wild ride, but he didn't want her to hurt herself. She calmed down after he removed the ginger and mumbled into his shoulder, but he couldn't understand a thing she said. He just hugged her and let her calm down with a satisfied smile on his face.

After a while he left her on the couch and finished up the meal. The smell of food called Ruth back to the living and soon she was sitting on her chair, eager to have at it. "I'm famished, Tom. I have no idea what happened just now, but it's left me with a giant hole in my stomach."

He grinned when he put the pans of steaming rice and stir-fried beef in front of her. "I added the slice I used on your clit to the meat."

"You didn't!"

"I'm pretty sure I did though."

The stir fry suddenly seemed more menacing than appetizing. She could never let her guard down for a second when he was in one of his teasing moods. He had a twinkle in his eye as he scooped up her food, carefully watching her expression. Suddenly he started laughing. "You're too easy sometimes. I threw all the ginger in the trash. You should've seen your face."

Ruth sulked while they ate, the conversation highlighted by her fork hitting the plate harder than was necessary. It didn't help that she could see a twinkle in his eye every time she got especially loud. Eventually she gave up and admitted defeat.

They retreated to the couch and Tom mixed some drinks. Ginger beer with aged rum, appropriate for the occasion. Ruth's thoughts were pulled back to her performance on the chair every time she felt the gentle burn of the drink in her throat. She was starting to heat up again when Tom's cell rang.

"Alex?"

Ruth pulled back a little in the couch and put her drink down.

"Calm down, tell me what's wrong."

In the next five minutes Ruth got increasingly annoyed, and she turned on the television, politely muted. Tom gave her the mandatory apologizing look and she answered with a tiny nod.

"Just wait, I'll be there soon."

"Are you going to Alex again?"

"I have to."

"When will you be back?"

"I don't know, but don't stay up if it gets late. I'll send a text before I leave."

She sighed and gave him a hug. He kissed her goodbye, grabbed his coat and just like that he was gone, leaving her to herself.

***

When Tom came back home, the place was dark and silent. He'd hoped to find Ruth still awake but she wasn't up. The last hours together with Alex had been tough again. He sighed, resigned to talking about it in the morning. At least he could hold her while he dozed off. But there was nobody in his bedroom, the duvet hadn't even been touched. So she went home. He was disappointed, but he could understand she'd rather not wait around on her own.

He'd grab a beer from the fridge. The act of popping the cap and the familiar taste would calm him down and help him to set foot back into normality. Halfway to the kitchen, Tom stopped when he heard crying coming from the guest room. He knocked on the door and stepped inside. "Ruth? I'm coming in."

Tom sat down next to Ruth on the bed. She crawled up against him and clung to him. He held her close until she calmed down and said, "What's wrong, Ruth?"

"I was feeling alone. One moment you were there and the next you were gone, off to take care of Alex. And it wasn't like we were doing nothing in particular, I wanted to spend more time with you. And still you leave as soon as you finish your call, like I'm nothing to you. It makes me wonder if we feel the same for each other."

He squeezed her close to him and said, "I'm sorry about leaving you alone like that. There's nothing I can do about that, and it'll be hard for a while longer. I want to be more considerate when she calls, but I don't know if I can when I know she's falling apart. Do you want me to ask you if you're okay with me leaving, the next time she calls?"

"Yes, I'd like that."

"Let's do it that way then."

He pressed a kiss on her head and said, "I love you, and I can't stand to see you like this, you seem so lost. I want you to show me what it is you fear losing so much you cry yourself to sleep, alone in the dark."

Tom let her go and flipped back the duvet, she was naked so he unbuttoned his shirt and draped it over her. He picked her up, and she rolled against him, enveloped in his presence and his smell. The past hours spent worrying and crying faded away. It slowly dissolved in this bubble of warmth and strength. He draped her on top of his bed and watched her try to protect herself from the cool air with just his shirt. It was a beautiful sight to see her fumble with it like a little kitten. 

He leaned over her and whispered, "Ruth, I want you to dance and let me watch you."

She peeked out from under the shirt and said, "I don't feel like dancing."

"Use it to show me what you feel for me. Let me know what you think it is we have between us. Make it clear for yourself and think about whether I feel the same way. Think back."

Still confused Ruth listened to the music he put on. The shrill tune of a single sitar shimmered through the room. It spoke of longing and loneliness. The sitar's desires to meet someone went unfulfilled for the rest of the song. It called out to anyone who might join it, but nobody did. The song ended in a soft, dying note.

"Do you think the sitar player was smiling while he played this song? He couldn't have been. I want you to take your time and recall what it is you feel when you're with me. Look for it in the music and show it to me through the way you move your body. Tell me without words."

Unsure of herself, Ruth switched places with Tom. He laid down on his back and looked at her. A second song was playing now, and a flute joined the sitar. They shied away from each other, never playing at the same time. Still, Ruth could feel the curiosity of the flute and the joy of the sitar, mixed with fear to drive this new marvel away.

She looked into herself to see if the music fit what she felt. She shook her head and flipped through songs until she found what she was looking for. It was an energetic mix of all kinds of instruments, swirling in a vortex of joyful sounds. She could see the musicians smiling and swaying as they played their parts.

Ruth turned up the volume and let the sound whirl and bounce through the room. She pictured herself when they were together, saw her own surprise and her inevitable smile. She felt Tom's eyes on her, and the myriad feelings his look could awaken within her. Her chest swelled up and she couldn't stay still any longer.

She stretched her arms above her head, ran her hands through her hair and let it fall in a shimmer of copper and gold. It pleased her when his eyes followed her hand as it brushed her face down her cheek until it stopped at her collar bone. Her hips swayed and twisted, stretching her flat stomach and showing off her toned body. 

His eyes never left her, and Ruth felt he was trying to understand what she was telling him. Her body was open to him, her expression was clear. She teased herself because she knew it would please him. She danced for him. The feelings that bubbled up were because of him. Her best memories were those she shared with him.

Ruth danced, no longer listening to the music. Her body took over and responded to the sounds on its own. Tom was mesmerized, somehow she was more than the woman he'd come to know. In front of him was a vision of female mystery and enticement. One side of him wanted to jump up and devour her, but the other side was nailed to the bed. By the time he realized she'd stopped dancing, she was already by the bedside.

"That was amazing. I don't know what..."

She silenced him with a finger on his lips and deftly removed his pants and underwear. She straddled him with the same grace she'd used while dancing and slowly impaled herself on his hard shaft. "You wanted me to show you what I felt, not tell you."

Ruth started riding him, her eyes closed and her head thrown back. She flowed from one thing into the next, dancing on top of him. Her hips twisted on top of him, and she massaged him inside of her. When she leaned forward to kiss him, her hair hid both their faces. Her hands rested on his chest and she pushed up a little, her green eyes burning from within. She whispered, "Watch me, Tom."

Her eyes closed, and she bit her lip as she drove her hips back and forth. Faster and faster. Her nails clawed into his skin. She wanted him to see more, so she rose up and embraced herself, which pushed her breasts closer together. Ruth rode Tom like that, with her eyes closed and her head lolling from side to side. Lost in the rhythm of the music and the pleasure inside of her.

When she came, Ruth's eyes snapped open and her back arched. She slid one hand down to her clit and rubbed it furiously. The beautiful arch of her body collapsed, and she shook as the orgasm intensified. Oblivious to Tom's climax, she fell in a heap on top of him and grabbed his hair so she could pull his face to hers and kiss him. "Did you see, Tom? Do you know now?"

With her lips so close to him, he couldn't answer straight away. He kissed her. His one wish would've been to burn every second of that kiss into his memory. He'd never forget she had this primal creature inside of her. He wrapped her in his arms so he could feel her against him. "God, Ruth. I've never seen anything as beautiful as that. You're always easy on the eyes, but that wasn't normal. That was magnificent."

He kissed her again, rolled her over on her back and trapped her with his body. "But I can tell you this. Even if I'm not magic like you, I can promise you I'll give you a little something to cherish every day, and I hope that over time it'll come close to what you give me. And who knows, I might surprise you by blowing your mind like you just blew mine."

She nodded and smiled, happy with his words and a little smug about having him in the palm of her hand for a while. He was definitely off-center. "I'm glad you liked it. I had you eating out of my hand like a little puppy, didn't I?"

He laughed and bit her shoulder. "It's good to change things up every once in a while. Don't make a habit of it though, you're mine."

They cuddled up together after that, both of them happy with each other. But Ruth took a lot longer to fall asleep than Tom. As she felt his chest rise and fall, she couldn't shake off her worries. She believed him when he told her he loved her. She believed he cared for her. But would it last? Was he already drifting away from her without him realizing? 

Ruth felt guilty for misleading him. She hadn't been crying because she was lonely, she'd been afraid. What if she fell short again, like she had with Sebastien? He'd leave her and she'd be alone again, much more alone than she'd been in the past. She grabbed his arm and held it tight against her chest. He wrapped himself further around her, and she cried again in the safety of his arms.

6

Ruth's cell rang while she was at work, and she was surprised to see it was her mom calling.

"Hi mom."

'Honey, I saw something and I called you right away. It's about Tom.'

"What about Tom?"

'You know that coffee place not far from where he works? I was there and he walked in. Even before he sat down, this young thing jumped him and he almost had to peel her off his face. I thought he was a good guy. But in the end he's just scum. You can't move in with him now, you just can't. Not when he's cheating on you.'

"Mom, calm down. What did the woman look like?"

'Woman? More like girl. I bet she's still in college. She was a redhead. At least he wasn't lying to you when he said he liked those. Very curly hair, full figure. I can't say a lot more than that, I was in the back until they left together. Who knows what he's doing right now? He's supposed to help you move your things to the place he's probably taking that girl to right now. Oh no, over my dead body, not with my daughter.'

"I have to think about this mom."

'What's there to think about? Dump his cheating ass, forget about him. If he can't keep it in his pants this soon in the relationship, don't count on him being any better in the future. Once a cheater, always a cheater. That's common sense. No, I say you look for another guy.'

"Mom."

'I could reintroduce you to Sebastian, he was really nice when he came over. I don't understand why you didn't want to come over to meet him.'

"Mom, stop. I'm hanging up, I need to think."

'Oh, I'm sorry honey. I'm just so angry he'd do such a thing to you. Wait until I tell your father, he's going to be furious.'

"Bye, mom."

'We'll be waiting for you, honey. We'll take you in for as long as you want.'

"Thanks."

'Anything for you, honey.'




Pillar Ch. 04



Ruth put down the phone and tried to get a grip on her feelings. But she failed. She felt betrayed. He'd never said anything about meeting Alex during his work hours. What else was he hiding from her? Why did she end up with someone who strung her along and took advantage of her when he really wanted something else? Why was she never good enough?

Tears flooded down her cheeks, and she balled her fists in a gesture of impotent rage and hurt. And today of all days. It was supposed to be a new beginning, an opportunity for them to grow even closer. It was all a lie.

***

Tom stood at the door of Ruth's old place and shouted, "Ruth? I'm here to help carry the boxes! Can you hear me? I tried calling, but you didn't answer your phone. Ruth!"

"I'm right here, Tom."

"Oh, there you are. Let's get started."

She shook her head and said, "That won't be necessary."

"Oh? Did you hire movers?"

"No, I won't be moving to your place."

"What? Why?"

Ruth's face contorted into the exact opposite of the smile she normally showed him. "Why? Because you've been lying! I should've known better. You make it so I don't do what you don't like while you get to do whatever you want. Why did I let you fuck Alex? It's stupid. You act all reasonable and I say: Yes Sir, please let me suck another woman's juices off your cock, Sir. And you smile and just let me get on with it."

She balled her fists and waved them at him. "I always think about you. Everything I do has something of you in it. I can't do this anymore! I broke off my lease to come live with you and, and I've got my boxes ready like a good girl. Look at what it brought me! My mom calls me to say she saw you with another woman. It almost gave her a heart attack! I don't even know how I can ever bear to look her in the eye again."

She punched his chest and waved at the people in the hallway watching them. "See what you've made me do now? I'm screaming like a lunatic. People know me here, what would they think of me if they knew what you've made me do? Would they think I'm a sucker? A slut maybe? Or just a plain idiot!"

"Ruth! Calm down, please. I don't understand, where is this all coming from?"

"It's me realizing you're no different. You just hide it well. You'll leave me behind when you find something better!"

"What? No, Ruth. I chose you for a lot of good reasons."

"You chose me. See, that's the kind of thing that makes a girl feel special. It lulls her to sleep and eventually she goes blind and deaf, happy to go wherever prince charming leads her."

"So anything I say will be used against me?"

"Don't you dare make me feel guilty! This is all you, Sir. I won't be the victim of your mistakes any longer."

"Ruth, you're making no sense at all here. We've talked about all of this."

"Let me put it in a way you can understand. It's over. Consider your precious contract annulled!"

"Are you sure?"

"Do you need me to shout it louder at you?"

"Ruth, don't do this. I love you, it's why I do what I do. It's my way of showing it."

"Do you want me to show you what I'm feeling right now?"

"No, there's no need for that. It doesn't have to end like this. If you want to talk, you know where to find me."

"I won't be looking!"

"Okay, Ruth. Goodbye for now."

***

The next day, Tom went to Ruth's parent's home. Her father opened the door and watched Tom in silence for a few moments. He didn't seem to be angry, more like he was considering how to handle a bothersome problem. "Tom. What can I do for you?"

"Hi, Thomas, I'd like to talk to Ruth. If you could call her over that would be greatly appreciated."

Thomas crossed his arms and put his feet wide, he wasn't letting anyone inside without his permission. "She was very upset yesterday, and I heard you were the cause. Hilda saw you with another woman. Tom, if it was only my concern, I wouldn't let you in. But I have my daughter to consider, and she needs to decide how to deal with this. I'm very disappointed in you and if I didn't know you were trained, I'd be tempted to throw a punch at you right now."

His anger showed beneath his calm exterior, his fists were balled. "For now, I'll let you see her. Do anything to make things worse, and the next time you're on my doorstep, you're getting the door in your face."

Tom accepted his wirds with a curt nod and felt the need to answer him. "Thomas, this whole mess is based on a misunderstanding. I'm sure things will clear up soon enough. I'm not sure why Ruth reacted the way she did. She knows the woman your wife saw is in my care, and she's even talked to her from time to time. The circumstances are something that should be kept in confidence, but until now she consented with what I did."

Confusion showed on Thomas's face, he relaxed a little and said, "You're telling me my daughter knew this was happening, and she approved?"

"I'm not sure what you think was happening. Hasn't Ruth told you anything?"

Thomas shook his head with a worried look on his face. "She hasn't said much. She went up to her room, and we haven't seen her since. Her mother tried to console her, but it's like she's shutting us out."

"Let me talk to her, maybe I can get through."

The two men exchanged a look, and Thomas held out his hand. Tom was surprised, but he took it.

"I might be wrong, but my gut is telling me to trust you in this. She blossomed open since she started dating you, and I don't think that's a coincidence. I'll try to withhold judgment until I know everything there is to know. If it turns out you're just an asshole after all, then I'll have you out of my daughter's life faster than you might think."

His grip tightened with those last words, but Tom let it pass. He accepted the need of a father to wish the best for his daughter. One flight of stairs later he stood in front of Ruth's old room. He knocked and waited for an answer. None came. Thomas had said she was in there, so he opened the door anyways.

Ruth was balled up in a corner of the bed, almost completely hidden by the duvet wrapped around her. He wasn't sure if she was awake or not so he called out to her. "Ruth? Are you awake?"

Her head snapped up, and her eyes flicked open at once. She backed away a little further into the corner. "What are you doing here? Who let you in?"

"I'm here to talk to you, Ruth. Your dad let me in."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Why not? I don't understand, please, at least tell me what's wrong."

Her green eyes seemed dull when she answered, as if some essential spark inside of them had faded. "I'm not coming back, Tom."

"Never mind that for now. Why do you suddenly have a problem with me taking care of Alex?"

"You call that taking care of? Sneaking behind my back and doing whatever you want together?"

"What? I don't sneak around, I didn't even have time to tell you about what your mother saw. I was going to bring it up while we were moving your stuff."

"Sure you were. Are there more things you were planning on bringing up?"

"No, you know everything there is to know. I've told you many times that honesty is important, why would I ignore my own advice?"

"So you can tell me you don't love Alex?"

"I care for her as a friend, that's all."

"I don't believe you. I don't believe anything anymore. Why did you have to go and find someone else? Because you didn't want to stress our relationship? What a load of crap. You just don't think I'm good enough so you need something better while you still have your fun with me on the side."

"You're twisting things into something they're not. Do you think I'd ask you to move in if I didn't want us to become more serious?"

"Well, you don't have to worry about planning around that little fact anymore, do you? Because I'm not moving in anymore."

She turned away from him and he turned her back, with force. "Look at me, Ruth. I can't do anything if you don't keep talking to me."

Her eyes bored into his, and he could see the hurt hidden deep inside of them. He wanted to reach out to her and pull her close to him, but her next words stopped him in his tracks.

"I burnt my contract, Tom."

The words stung, but it wasn't something he couldn't live with. "That's ok, we can make it work without a contract."

"No, Tom. I'm not coming back."

"Are you sure that's what you really want?"

"Yes."

"Then there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sorry you think this way. Remember that I want to work things out and that I'll be waiting for you if you want to come back."

"Bye, Tom."

He didn't return her goodbye, he still had hope that goodbyes weren't necessary. She wasn't the Ruth he knew, and he'd have to wait for her to wake up from what had come over her. Tom sighed when he stood up. His hands ached to brush the stray strands of hair from her face, but he understood enough to know that right now she wouldn't accept anything from him.

At the foot of the stairs, Thomas stood waiting. "I take it things didn't go well."

Tom shook his head. "I couldn't get through to her. I don't understand, this isn't like her. Something must have happened that she's hiding. But she won't tell me, not the way she is now. I have no choice but to wait for her."

Thomas raised his eyebrow and the corner of his mouth pulled down. "You're giving up already?"

"She needs time to work her feelings out on her own. I'll give her the time she needs and if she wants to return afterwards, then I'll be there for her."

Thomas still looked skeptical, he opened the door for Tom and let him out. "Well, goodbye then Tom."

"If I'm right, I should be back."

"We'll see, Tom. It's not up to you or me."

"I know."

7

Ruth slowed down when she saw Alex on a bench close to her office. How much had changed since the first time they met on a bench? She'd been blind. She stopped in front of the younger woman and looked down at her, her eyes dull and flat. Alex met her stare, and her shoulders hunched a little, her face pulled into a pained expression. She didn't speak, and Ruth got tired of waiting and said, "I guess you're waiting for me. What do you want?"

"I want to apologize."

"Oh?"

Ruth leaned forward and forced Alex to bend back. "You think apologizing will make everything right?"

"I, no, please... could you back away a little?"

"No."

Alex swallowed and arranged her thoughts. This wasn't going anything like she expected, Tom had been right. Ruth wasn't herself, this Ruth scared her. She was so cold and lifeless.

"I just want to say I'm sorry that I hurt you by getting involved with Tom. I'm ashamed I need the help of someone else's lover to get over my problems. But I need the help and there's nobody else. I mean... I have my sponsor, but he can't help me like Tom can. Please Ruth, will you tell us what's wrong?"

"Tom's not my lover anymore, he's your lover now."

Alex's face twisted in confusion and she shook her head. "That's not true, Ruth. He takes care of me, that's all. There's nothing more to it than that. I thought you understood, we both did. Why are you so angry all of a sudden? Please Ruth, open up to us."

Ruth straightened up, stretched her back and took a deep breath. Alex relaxed a little, a hopeful smile appeared on her face. Maybe she had reached through. Next thing she knew, Alex was lying sideways on the bench, a sharp pain pulsed in her temple and lanced through her ear into her brain. She couldn't see well through the tears in her eyes, but she still made out Ruth's contorted face inches in front of hers. Her hiss resonated painfully inside Alex's head.

"You took what I wanted and now you want to make it look like you didn't replace me? Never. Come near me. Again. You thieving slut."

With that Ruth turned on her heels and walked away at a brisk pace. Alex didn't even notice her leave, she was oblivious to the world and to the passersby who cast glances at her. Those last two words cut deep, and she felt ashamed she was who she was. She was disgusted and hated herself for making someone as wonderful as Ruth feel such anger and pain.

Alex wanted to curl up and hide under the bench, but she still had enough clarity of mind to get a cab. She slurred Tom's address but got the message across. When she realized which place she'd chosen to flee to, her guilt and shame doubled. Did she really take Ruth's place? Did she destroy another relationship by being a hopeless addict, human filth?

She didn't notice the concerned look on the cabdriver's face when she paid him double what he was due and staggered off before he could even give her the change. Tears streamed over her face all the way to the doorstep of the apartment complex. She collapsed under the mailboxes. The world spun around her.

Alex was pulled back to full consciousness when someone shook her shoulder to get her to wake up. Her eyes fluttered open, and she tried in vain to focus on the face in front of her. She muttered, "I have to get to Tom... Tom."

"I'll call his place right away, just stay awake."

The sound of the intercom sounded far off. It was abruptly cut when the other side of the line picked up. Alex couldn't tell where she was relative to the door anymore, everything was spinning.

"Tom? This is Rob from 3B. There's a red haired girl here on the floor. She's got a pretty bad bruise on her face. I heard her say she wanted to get to Tom. Do you know anybody like that? You do? I'll wait here with her."

Someone lifted her off the floor and suddenly Alex knew where she was, she was safe in Tom's arms. The one place where she could find rest. She slipped away into unconsciousness and was dead to the world for hours.

When she opened her eyes again, she was on her side and her face felt cold. She touched her fingers to the cold compress on her face and remembered what had happened. Sometimes you get what you deserve. She closed her eyes again and curled up a little.

"Try not to move too much."

Alex jerked in surprise and groaned when a new lance of pain drilled through her ear.

"What did I tell you? I had a doctor over, she said you have a slight concussion. You should have a headache and an impressive bruise tomorrow, but no lasting damage. Whoever punched you did a good number on you."

He put his hand on her shoulder and rolled her on her back. "Stay still for a while, I'll wrap a bandage around your head so the compress stays in place."

He bandaged her and as he overlooked his handy work he asked her, "Who punched you?"

"It doesn't matter, I deserved it. It's part of the program to apologize to people we've hurt. I tried, but before I knew it she'd punched me and left me behind."

Tom sighed and made himself comfortable on the edge of the bed, his eyes fixed on her uncovered one. "Do I know this woman?"

She shook her head and after recovering from the brief bout of pain it caused her she said, "No. But I don't think it'll be the last time I get hurt. She accused me of being a thieving slut, of taking away what she had and replacing her. I drove a wedge into her life because of my addiction. I feel so ashamed."

Tom let her lie slip, if she wanted to hide the truth he'd let her. His hands were gentle as he lifted her torso and settled in behind her. "Do you remember the last time we sat like this? You didn't know what to do with yourself then either so I told you a story. Think about the third man in it, that's your future. Don't think about your days spent with the first man, he's your past. 

"You couldn't help yourself, and the men who cheated on their girlfriends with you and lied about it didn't deserve to be with them anyways. I'm sure you hurt that woman, and you have the right to be ashamed and feel guilty about that. But if you hold yourself to the goal of not causing anything like that ever again, then you won't let your past ruin you now."

Alex buried her nails into the palms of his hands. His words were so kind and so painful. She couldn't tell him it wasn't in the past, she was still causing problems, no matter how much she tried to heal. Her past wouldn't let go. She cried herself to sleep in his arms, exhausted by her own guilt and the sheer intensity of her need for someone to lighten her burden. No matter how bad it made her feel, she couldn't let this man go.

8

It's dark in the bedroom, nothing can be seen. Not a sound to be heard. A hand brushes her flank and disappears again. She turns toward the touch and feels a playful squeeze on her ass. She turns again, stretches out her hands, but the man remains elusive. A finger trails her spine. She shivers and remains still, waiting for the next touch. His hand brushes the side of her breast, and she's ready for it to disappear again but it slides around the soft flesh and cups it.

He presses his warm body against her back, and she feels the solid muscles against her. The strength locked inside his hands is held back while he kneads her breasts. She moans, but there's no sound, and he hesitates. He expected a response and didn't get and. His fingertips slide along the bottom of her breast, following the gentle curve. Her skin tingles, and her nipples stiffen. She tries to be patient, to let him travel her skin and awaken it. But she can't wait, she needs it now. She tries to raise her hand so she can push his hand against her breast.

But her arm doesn't lift. She tries her other hand and that doesn't work either. He keeps teasing her and finally circles her nipple. He stops again. Doesn't he feel her nipples are stiff? That she wants him to squeeze them and pull on them? She's yearning for the sharp mixture of pleasure and pain. She can almost feel the doubt in the body behind her. His hand rests on her breasts for a while and then travels down, inch by inch.

She feels the itch between her legs, she wants it. Her legs spread to receive his touch, but it comes so slowly. He's taking forever to reach her aching pussy. She's so wet he could slide in any number of fingers with ease. And still he goes slowly. He gives careful little strokes, as if he's trying to make her wet so he wouldn't hurt her. He doesn't go in. What's he doing?

She turns around and grabs his head and pulls it down so she can kiss him. He can't mistake a kiss, he has to feel how much she wants him. She has to convince him to take her, no matter what he felt from her body. She feels his lips on hers, but he doesn't respond to her kiss. He can't see her, but he should be able to feel her.

She sinks down on her knees, frantically trying to think of anything that might catch his attention. If she can open his pants and put his cock in her mouth, he won't be able to ignore her any longer. He has to feel her then, there's no other way. She pulls down his shorts and puts her hand in his boxers so she can grab his cock. It's flaccid. 

She's worried now, afraid that nothing she can do will get his attention. What else is there? She shouts his name, but she can't hear a thing.

***

Ruth woke up from her nightmare and heard herself murmur Tom, Tom, Tom. His name was a balm to her fear, if he were with her, she wouldn't be alone and scared. She curled up into a tight ball to drive away the fear by making herself smaller, warmer in her own embrace. But she couldn't escape the cold where the air touched her skin.

She hadn't heard from Tom since his last visit, two weeks ago. Why didn't he get angry or call her a stupid little girl? He hadn't stopped her from leaving. Maybe he really thought she'd realized she couldn't handle it. That she'd discovered her choice was wrong. Didn't he know how much their time spent together meant to her? 

She'd finally been able to explore the parts of herself she'd hidden away, but that had always been there. She understood he was trying to bring her to the surface, and she embraced his efforts. He owned her now, she was his. She wanted to go back, but she was afraid she wouldn't be enough for him and that she'd fail him too badly to stay with him.