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Opening Up Letting Go Ch. 03

By: GrumpyGamby



Chapter 3

Trust me, Feed me, Fuck me

I went downstairs just as Tina was pouring out my vodka martini. Her rum and pineapple was already fixed and waiting. I stood behind her and reached both arms around, allowing my left hand to dabble with her breast as I picked the olives out of my martini and popped them in my mouth. She took a deep breath and leaned her head back on my chest. She wasn't wearing her heels so the top of her head was just above my shoulder. I tilted my head down and grazed her temple with a breezy kiss. "Are they too sore now? I have more in store for you tonight and these will continue to play a leading role."

"Not terribly sore but could use some TLC. Do I get to know what your evil mind has planned?"

"No, you are going to relax and allow the events to happen. You will spend some time being very vulnerable, very helpless, a little exposed, possibly uncomfortable, more than likely you'll be mostly naked, but most of all aroused and excited all night. I promise you I'll know when to stop, I'll be very careful in taking you just beyond your limits but not too far beyond." 

I could feel her tensing up so I turned her around in my arms and had her look me in the eye. "'Vulnerability and trust' those were your words, not mine. You've given me as much as you think you can, but I want more and I know you can do it. Let go and give it to me. You know you want to, you know you need to if you still want to cross that line and be able to say none of it affects you anymore." She tried to look away again but I held her chin in place even as her eyes filled with tears. "I'll take your fears, but you have to give them to me. Don't hide from me. If you want to cry, then cry. But don't let your fear warp into rage. Don't shut down and turn me away. You're not in control tonight, I am. You don't need to protect yourself because I will protect you. Give me your trust. I will take care of you." 

I had to let her come to her decision. In the past I wouldn't have pushed her like this. This day was the product of a convergence of... psychic strength and "right time right place" and "I've had enough" and maybe some hormonal flow peaking her desire, allowing her the extra oomph to get to her imaginary finish line where she could breathe and exclaim, "You don't affect me anymore, you don't exist anymore, you have left no trail behind in me, on me or about me. You are gone from my life." That was how she defined normal, that was what she'd set out to do when her life came crashing down and all the hiding and pretending stopped working. Our marriage barely survived her breakdown. Once she understood herself and was able to help me understand what she needed I could give it to her. 

I spent the first ten years of our marriage wondering who the hell I'd married. She became, well, she was simply crazy. Unpredictable was the best way to describe her. Some days she was an honest to god scary bitch and other days she was incredibly loving and affectionate. About eight years ago she was walking down the street when some punk kid snatched her purse and took off. That night she couldn't sleep and it was several more months before I was aware she wasn't sleeping more than two hours a night. By then she was a basket case, she stayed inside all the time, she hadn't allowed the boys to go visit friends, and she stopped talking to her family and friends. The house was a mess and that was what I noticed more than anything else. She had been a very picky neat freak. 

I figured the best course of action was no action. She was an intelligent woman and eventually whatever was bothering her would come out and she'd get over it. But it didn't, she didn't, and our son was the one who finally got help when he came home from school and his mother wouldn't come out of the closet she had been hiding in all day. Bright boy bypassed his father, who would have bungled it, his aunts who would have covered it up, and went straight to an ambulance. 

She spent two weeks in a psychiatric ward and when she came home she was filled with guilt, fear and rage. The gist was that she'd been molested several times when she was a child and the purse snatching triggered crippling fear. Shortly after we got married she had told me she'd been molested, but she made it sound like it was no big deal and she was over it. I didn't know she was nowhere near over it. How could I have known any different? 

Actually she had a lot of work to do and so did I if we wanted the marriage to last much longer. I would not have been willing to work as hard as I did and learn all that I'd learned if she hadn't experienced that breakdown. It was worth every effort because the woman I was now holding was like no other woman on this planet. She was shining, she was glowing, she was exuding warmth and love, affection and sex appeal. People responded to her so willingly, everyone loved her. When she walked into a room she was noticed. She just had that...something. 

I dropped my arms and stepped back, taking my martini with me. "Grab your drink and come with me," I called over my shoulder as I walked into the dining room. I pulled out a chair for her and scooted her in. I had to smirk at the picture she presented. Sitting regally in a high back dining chair, in front of the cherry Queen Ann table, with her grandmother's crystal chandelier overhead, breasts exposed, wearing a cup-less corset, no panties, garter belt and stocking feet. She held up her drink and toasted cheers. 

"Breathtaking!" I toasted right back. I went to the hall closet and pulled out the old lace table cloth and the new lace table cloth. The new one I spread on the dining room table while I carried the old one upstairs. I came back downstairs carrying my ties, a bottle of soothing body oil and wearing a fairly unsettling grin on my face.

"I don't think you've been as good as you should be lately. I'm not seeing the kind of effort I usually see from my herculean willed wife." I nuzzled the back of her neck as I gently brought her hands behind the chair and tied them together. Then I licked her ear as I whispered, "If you put up a huge struggle, you will be able to get out of these bindings. I say that because I know you're wondering when you should begin to freak out. Are you afraid?"

"Yes." 

"What are you thinking right now?" I opened the bottle of cucumber oil and began to massage some onto her breasts, soaking her nipples particularly.

"I'm telling myself that I trust you, that I'm safe with you and being afraid is not the same as being harmed. Thank you, that feels so nice."

"I promised to protect you. In either case you already agreed that these tits are mine and I take care of what's mine. I remember oiling up my baseball glove after practice and every game. I still have that baseball glove, you know." Her nipples were back to what we used to call high beams. I went to the side board and brought over the candle sticks and lit them. "I really think there should be a way to keep MY nipples erect twenty-four/seven."

"Well there is, you just don't stop playing with them, or keep the room very cold. And are you equating these nipples with your old baseball glove?" Up came that imperial eyebrow as she attempted to put me in my place. An overused strategy of hers I was now immune to.

"Yes, actually I am. I think there is a perfect relation between the love and care I gave to my baseball glove and these tits. I remember how I wanted that glove and saved for that glove; how I credited that glove with losing my virginity. If it weren't for that glove I might not have made the baseball team and if I hadn't made the baseball team I wouldn't have gone steady with Cindy Taylor who, as you know, gave me my first blow job and allowed me to learn the wonders of the female body under her tutelage, inept as I was regardless. I might remind you, madam, that baseball glove is a mere five years younger than you and I have cared for and kept that baseball glove for forty years now. Think, my lovely, how that relates to how well I will care for, protect and cherish you? You, who have given me something far more valuable than popping my cherry. You've given me my very own set of tits with which to play any time my heart desires."

"And I thought you'd be most impressed with your three strapping sons."

"As impressive as I find my sons, these tits hold my attention much longer." I knelt beside her and held her drink up to her mouth. She took several sips. "You know they really are magnificent. You nursed each of our sons; you alone nourished them through their nine months inside you and another eight months afterward."

"Yes, the sagging and stretch marks bear further witness to my maternal sacrifice."

"Stop looking at your body as a means of comparison. I don't look at you that way and even if I did you'd still come out in the top ten percent, sagging stretch marks and all. Look at me, this is a trust issue and it's important. I say your breasts are magnificent. Who the hell are you to tell me I'm wrong? Do you know how incredible it is that I can make you cum by playing with your breasts? These breasts that nourished our sons are the same breasts that nourish my soul as a man. I can make my wife cum by playing with her breasts in just the right way, under just the right circumstances. That makes me feel ten feet tall and more macho than a platoon of marines. Now say it with me, these breasts are magnificent!" She looked a little dumbstruck so I fed her the line again and waited for her to repeat it.

"Shoulders back my love, and keep your head up. Smile at me because I've just told you, again, how very silly you are and how magnificent these breasts are." I gave another few sips of her drink and changed tactics. "If you looked at a Monet would you see the odd way in which the landscapes are represented, with bits and dots of color? Unless you were blind the answer would be yes, but not until after you'd spent serious time marveling at the beauty, genius and talent. Would you cover the Monet so only those who can appreciate its value can look at it? No, you bring in groups of people to study and admire and learn the value of beautiful art." The doorbell rang. Fate was so on my side I couldn't have timed it better if I'd had the kid waiting for my signal to ring the bell. 

"Ah, that would be our dinner. You stay right where you are. Show me you understand and believe what I just told you. Show me your trust." She kept her head up and shoulders back and took on a look of supreme confidence that nearly knocked me off my feet. "You are my Monet and I love you."

I went to the door and let the kid in. Ah, Jason was his name. He delivered for our neighborhood bistro and so we'd gotten to know him over the past year. He was just getting out of the acne stage and I could tell he had fallen hard for Tina. Many times I had waited patiently in the kitchen for Tina and Jason to finish their chatting. I had decided to keep myself aloof because I saw him sporting a boner after my wife hugged him when she congratulated him on making the honors roll. He knew I knew and the poor kid was so red faced as he left. I never told Tina, she was better off not knowing.

"Jason you are right on time and a very welcome face right now. We're starving. Why don't you just put the boxes on the coffee table while I get your money out?" I slowly peeled off a few bills, noticing he was looking around for Tina. Just five steps to the right and he would have a grand view of my wife and her breasts, ensconced by glowing candlelight, wearing an outfit that would give a dying man a hard on. "Jason, Tina tells me you're doing well in school this year, that's great. Do you know much about art?" 

Tina made a slight squeak in the other room. I was thinking she was on to me. Full steam ahead!

"Well, yeah Mr. Jack, I know some... probably a lot more than most kids my age. My mom was a docent at the museum and she took me hundreds of times."

"Did you happen to catch the Monet exhibit when it came to town a few years ago?" It was hard not to chuckle as I heard yet another squeak from the dining room.

Jason was trying to pretend he didn't hear anything as he responded. "No, I had the chicken pox that summer, it was the first time there was an exhibit I really wanted to see and I missed it."

"Jason, I'm gonna talk to you man to man for a few minutes here. I know it's just you and your mom at home and I hear from Tina that your mother is incredible in how well she's raised you all alone. Have you ever given thought to how much strength a woman needs to raise a son by herself?"

"Actually I have. I'm not the only kid being raised by a single mom but sometimes I feel like the only kid who can count his mother as both a friend and a parent. She has always been there for me, she goes without so I can have stuff, she expects the best from me and she never lets me get away with anything less. I may be just a senior in high school, and a lot of people think teenagers are dumb, but I can't be that dumb if I'm the only kid I know who appreciates his mother."

"Jason, you have to be one of the smartest kids I've ever met. I've changed my mind. I was going to talk with you about a woman's worth and what makes her beautiful. I was under the mistaken impression that all high school aged males would need constant reminders that a woman is more than meets the eye. But I bow to your knowledge sir. If I had a daughter, I'd want her to date a young man like you." I peeled off several more bills, shook his hand and sent him on his way.

I grabbed the box from the bistro and walked upstairs with it. I prepared a few more things in the bedroom and made my way back downstairs to find Tina still sitting tall, happily. Unhappily, she also had tears running down her cheeks. Oh. Shit. Steeling myself to insist upon a forward march I simply walked over to her and untied her hands. I motioned for her to grab her drink as I grabbed mine and we made our way back to our bedroom.

I had several candles lit all around the room. The old lace table cloth draped over the bed and our dinner was set up on the bed. I walked Tina over to her place and motioned for her to sit while I went to the other side and sat. She hadn't wiped her tears away yet so I leaned over and licked them off her face. Putting both hands on either side of her cheeks I rubbed small circles with my thumbs as our foreheads touched. 

Maybe I had no idea what I was doing, just stumbling along with blind luck on my side. I was determined to have more of my fantasies tonight, even if I couldn't follow through with watching another man, well kid actually, grope my wife. Jason would have been perfect but listening to him talk about his mother just killed the image. That particular fantasy would happen another time. Right now it was time for a food based fantasy.

"You should wear this to dinner more often. In fact, you should wear this more often period. Tell me the truth now, don't you feel sexy as hell?" She nodded her head weakly, agreeing. "And you trust me enough to be sexy and feel sexy and dress sexy?" This time her nod was not so weak. "Then tomorrow we'll go shopping."

"No. I really think I should do it by myself. If you're there with me people will know what we're doing and why and..."

"And you won't be able to hide or pretend. Have another sip of your drink before I tie you up again." If she took a sip I was still doing okay but if she looked away without taking a sip I was... not going to think along those lines. I got up off the bed and prepared to take her drink only to see her gulp the rest down. Yes!

"Back on track here woman. You have been naughty and negligent, forgetful and silly. Hands behind your back please. So to further drive home your lesson you will be feeding me my dinner whilst I lounge on the bed like a roman emperor." I tied her hands and then scooted on the bed beside her. I opened the containers; crab cakes, tartar sauce, steamed peeled shrimp, cocktail sauce, steamed vegetables and pasta in garlic sauce. "It's good to be the king... shrimp for starters please," I said as I laid against a pile of pillows with my arms stretched and crossed above my head.

She gaped at me and looked at the shrimp. She maneuvered up on her knees and bent down to pick up a shrimp in her mouth but, being ladylike, she kept her knees together and therefore she had no way to bring herself back up. 

"Hmmm, you're having difficulty getting back up aren't you? Here, allow me." I reached over and spread her knees as wide as they would go. Now all she had to do was round her back to bring her head up. She gave me a murderous look as she brought her head up and then she ate my shrimp while looking right at me! "Wench! You'll feed your king first or you'll get another spanking! And this time it will be just a spanking." 

She rounded her back, dropped her head into the plate of shrimp and came back up with two in her mouth. She scooted over to me and brought the shrimp, dangling out of her mouth, to my mouth. Like a momma bird feeding her baby bird. I took both shrimp from her mouth then licked her lips for good measure. 

As I swallowed the shrimp I looked longingly at the cocktail sauce. She looked at the cocktail sauce and frowned. I looked at her tits with purpose then glanced again at the cocktail sauce. She gaped at me again but this time she had a twinkle in her eye. 

She turned around, spread her legs very wide, then with a flat back she dipped her right nipple into the cocktail sauce. "Oooh that's really cold." Then she scooted over to the shrimp again and grabbed another one. As she made her way back to me on her knees, cocktail sauce was dripping off one nipple and a shrimp hanging out of her mouth I felt my cock wanting to play the hero again. It had been a very, very long time since I'd enjoyed more than two orgasms in one evening and two was something that was getting difficult. Tonight I was hovering on the possibility of three, this would be a night to remember indeed.

She leaned in to transfer the shrimp from her mouth to my mouth, then I grabbed her under her arms and hoisted her up so I could lick the cocktail sauce off her nipple. I took pity on her and reached over to grab the plate of shrimp and the bowl of sauce. I held the plate to her mouth so she could grab another one, then I held the cocktail sauce to her other nipple and she dipped her breast into the cold, red sauce. After taking the shrimp and licking off the sauce, I lingered a bit on that nipple. Cocktail sauce was acidic and I didn't want her inflamed nipples to become truly irritated. I was very thoughtful in that way. I held a shrimp dripping with cocktail sauce to her mouth and fed her for a little while. We went back and forth until all the shrimp was gone and my cock was throbbing.

I pushed her down on the bed so she was facing up and took the crab cake to her mouth so she could take a bite. Then I yanked off my pants and poured the tartar sauce just on the tip of my cock and brought it to her lips. She licked it off and kept her lips attached to my cock as she chewed the last bit of crab cake and swallowed, giving a suckling sensation on my cockhead that had me panting. I grabbed the other crab cake and took a bite, then poured some tartar sauce on her nipples. She arched her back and thrust her breasts out displaying my dinner in more ways than one. I wrapped both my arms around her back and brought her way off the pillow so she was nearly bent in half as I engulfed her tits. I demonstrated my lack of manners as I slurped loudly and with gusto. I latched onto one nipple and nipped it and pulled it. I had to be careful, I was close to losing control and really biting down. 

I lowered her to the bed again and grabbed the rest of the crab cake. I gave her a small bit and then I kneed her legs apart and laid the crab cake right on top of her mound. I watched it heave up and down as she panted with excitement. I reached up and held onto her nipples as I slowly lowered my head and nibbled the crab cake until there was nothing left. 


Opening Up Letting Go Ch. 03



I placed my hands inside her thighs and lightly scratched from seam to knee and back again, coaxing them wider and wider. I kissed her mound and sucked in a labial lip, then nosed the other lip apart and sucked on that, dripping copious amount of saliva to mix with her fragrant juices. Shouldn't have ordered crab cakes, I thought, it distracted from her scent too much. I plunged my tongue into her seam and flattened it out as I brought pressure to bear, working my way up to her clit. I circled her clit then worked my way back to her hole. I looked up and could see her clit quivering. I circled her clit with my tongue and then sucked that puppy into my mouth. 

Her hips started pumping and her heels dug into the bed, almost like she was trying to buck me off her. But I held on for dear life and plunged my thumb into her juicy hole, rubbing just on the underside of where I was sucking and licking. Her moaning and gasping built, then all went silent as her hips bucked in double time and held in that pattern for the longest time, not making a sound, just wildly fast hip bucking... Then it happened. She'd never orgasmed like that before and to be honest I thought she might be dying for a second or two. 

She squealed loudly with a frighteningly high pitch as she breathed in and groaned like it was painful as she breathed out, over and over and over. All the while her hips were still doing the bucking bronco and her juices were pouring out. When the noises began to subside I kept a lock down on her clit and slowed my thumb down.

Then I reached behind her to untie her hands, only to find they already were. So I grabbed her wrists and pulled them above her head and wrapped the tie around them, not bothering to secure them. I closed my mouth on top of hers and jammed my tongue down her throat as I lined up my cock and slammed home. 

Oh god this was perfect, so very perfect! I could not get enough. I rammed my cock into her over and over while I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and nuzzled into her neck. Having come twice already today I was in a position to make this last for some time. I reached down and grabbed her legs just under her knees bringing them up on either side of her body.

She was splayed open wide and I took advantage of the access by grinding my pelvis down onto her mound on each down stroke, effectively engaging her clit enough to bring her moaning back up to the ascension level. As her moans peaked and her hips slammed back I dropped my pelvis into position and gyrated my hips from side to side just a little, but it was enough. The room went silent again as her last step up was traversed, my hips grinding and her hips bucking forth with equal speed and passion. She held still for a beat or two then that squeal/moan breathing pattern emerged again, only this time I was fairly sure she wasn't dying. 

However I felt like I could easily die happy as I enjoyed her vaginal muscles clamping and squeezing my cock. Her hips continued to buck but now I felt my orgasm was near, so I dropped her legs to get better purchase my final climb. She picked up the slack and grabbed her own heels, bringing her knees level to her ears and continued to clamp down on my cock. 

But I wasn't focusing on anything other than my own pleasure at the moment. I placed my hands on either side of her, leaning on the bed but not her, and I grunted low and loud with each thrust. We probably sounded like a chain saw grinding up to life with each pull. She opened her eyes at the unusual sound I was making and watched as I pummeled and jack hammered and kept the grunts coming. 

I was a little shocked at how long this was taking and beginning to wonder if I could keep this level of intensity going for much longer. I felt like I was right on the brink, the very next pump would be the one to usher forth my seed, but I kept pumping and grunting while the sweat dripped down my face and onto her breasts. She felt her breasts getting wet as she covered her nipples with both hands. My breath hitched even more when she grabbed a nipple in each hand and pulled them straight out while squeezing and pinching them. 

"Yes, pinch them for me," I breathed out.

She looked me straight in the eye, still breathing heavy, still bucking her hips and clamping down on my cock which was still slamming in and out, and she said, "I love how you fuck me, I love your cock and I love what you do with your hands and your tongue. Fuck me Jack, fuck me and fill me with your cum. I want you to fill my pussy with your cum." 

And so I did. When I was finally able to lift my head again I saw more tears making their way down her cheeks.

"Bring you face over to me so I can lick away your tears." I could barely move but I wasn't going to announce that. As she leaned over my face to give me her tears I wrapped my arms around her and thanked God I forgot to give her my suit to take to the dry cleaners.

**I had fun writing this part. Hope you had fun reading it!



Opening Up Letting Go Ch. 04



**Originally, I placed this chapter in Non consent/reluctance. But in hindsight, I think it best belongs here.

Chapter 4 

The Agreement is Binding

"Jack! You have got to be kidding me! You can't be serious about this?" My lovely wife Tina was wrapped in a towel, scowling at the new clothing I had purchased for her. 

"But you look good in blue. Makes your blue eyes glow, kind of spooky actually." I knew damn right well what her objection was but hell if I was going to give in.

"I love the skirt and the blouse, but I can't wear a garter under that skirt and I sure can't go braless with that blouse and you do realize those shoes are likely to break my ankle!" Tina fingered the skirt and looked between it and me, as if the skirt would rise up and agree with her.

"Explain." I took on my authoritative executive management posture as I tried to keep a straight face.

Tina prepared for her verbal assault on my fashion idiocy as she took a few deep breaths and tucked the towel tighter around her chest.

"This is a pencil skirt; it is designed to hug the body from the waist down to just above the knee." She smoothed her hands from her waist down to her knees in an obvious demonstration of what she meant. I thought it looked sexy as hell. "To complicate the design, this pencil skirt is made of satin, satin Jack! The body forms the satin not the satin forming the body." She placed her hand inside the skirt and pulled the fabric, stretching it over her hand. It showed each ridge in the knuckles of her hand. "It is designed to show a smooth line and in order for this skirt to show a smooth line I would have to wear control top pantyhose and a slip. I couldn't even wear panties under the pantyhose because the elastic around my butt would show, glaringly! If I wear that garter belt connecting the stockings under that skirt, both will be so obvious I might as well wear the garter belt outside the skirt!" 

She paused and I thought she was through berating me as she began to turn back to the bathroom. But before she could complete the turn she halted and faced me again. 

"Satin Jack, you can't mar the clean lines of a satin skirt with the clear bulge of garter belts and elastic clips hanging front and back on each hip!" She took a deep breath and shook her head. Then she held up the blouse next. "This is fine gauge polyester rayon blend which makes it easy to launder but very gauzy, so gauzy that you have to wear a bra that has no lace so as not to detract from the clean silhouette it makes. Me going braless in this blouse! Putting aside the fact that wiggling and jiggling will be scandalous, if I get cold..."

"Your fabulous nipples will stick out like light beacons. Yes and your point is?" I imagined her fabulous nipples sticking out as if they were begging to the world 'Somebody please play with us!' I didn't bother to hide my grin; nor a certain tenting in my trousers. 

But Tina was undaunted and she cruised into full out "Lecture the Idiot" mode.

"Now let's address the high heels. They are lovely, no question. But my feet will be screaming at me if I need to walk more than a few paces, or have to stand more than a few minutes." She held the shoes and fondled them lovingly. I could tell she really liked them and wanted to wear them. "They need to come up with a line of men's clothing that tortures the male body the way a woman's body gets manipulated." She pouted.

"Never happening. Men rule the world and we like to look at women. Women like to be admired so it works out all the way around." 

"But what if a woman doesn't want to be admired? I mean in this way. When a woman dresses like this she is emphatically stating she wants men to openly admire, suggestively glare; drool at her! What happens when the admiration gets out of hand? How is a man supposed to see a woman dressed in this outfit and not assume he's been granted tacit permission for suggestive comments, leering and groping? Any woman wearing this is opening herself to..."

"Do I need to go over our agreement again? You need to trust me and not try to control the situation. You will be with me, your husband. I want to show off my wife. By arguing with me you are telling me you don't trust me to keep you safe, and you don't trust that I will prevent anything bad from happening. You're trying to control this situation because you're afraid."

"I'm not afraid something bad will happen, I do trust you and I'm not trying to control. I'm sick of you accusing me of trying to control things when I'm not!" Tina took a deep breath, "I would be happy to wear this for you here at home but not in public." Like hell she wasn't trying to take control. She still couldn't see how her hiding was the same thing as controlling the situation. "I can't Jack, I can't wear this out. What will people think? I can't face that it's too humiliating. I will wear this at home whenever you like but please don't ask me to wear this out?"

"Tina, would you listen to yourself? 'What will people think?' Here's what people will think. Every woman in the pub will be jealous as hell wishing she could look half as good. Every man there will ogle you then glance at me wondering how this old fart got such a hot ass woman to marry him."

"Stop saying that. You're not an old fart. You're a horny fart but not an old fart." She walked toward me as if she was going to embrace me.

I held her at arms length insisting she attend my lecture. "Every married man is gonna wonder how to get his wife to dress like you and then wonder if his wife could possibly look as good. And please don't insult my intelligence by insisting that flaunting your good looks and luscious body is being slutty. But you know what? Who cares if you are dressed slutty? You're married to me, you'll be with me. No one's going to think you're fair game for touchy-feely when you're with me!" She looked like she wanted to believe me so I pulled out my ace in the hole. "You want to be a normal, healthy, forty-five year old woman? Remind yourself; what is normal? How do you define normal?" 

I left her to think on her own and went down to the kitchen to make myself a drink. I had hoped I was still on the right side of pushing her out of her comfort zone. I had to keep her moving forward, learning to be open to new experiences, learning to take risks. She wanted her past experiences to be wiped out leaving no residual effect. She wanted to be normal and she came up with her own definition of normal. "The absence of fearful behavior when there is no real reason to be afraid." She has that very slogan hanging over the bathroom sink.

I sat at the kitchen table, sipped my drink, and allowed my thoughts to drift back. An incongruous smile appeared on my face as I remembered eight years ago when Tina had a "breakdown." I wanted to be supportive and agreed to attend couples therapy with her. The second time I went was also the last time. It was during that session that Tina confessed her fear of being vulnerable. I was then treated to a humiliating educational confession, namely that; Tina had never had an orgasm. She had faked it and pretended since day one. Her fear of being vulnerable made it impossible for her to become aroused enough to climax. I had been the only person in her life to make her feel safe enough to become interested in sex, but I wasn't safe enough to overcome her fear. I got her willing to be in the mood, but not in the mood. 

I sat in the therapist's office stunned; slapped in the face; kicked in the balls. I had just been thoroughly emasculated. The bitch had lied to me for all those years! She hid from me and turned away from me. Always had an excuse; always had something else to do, never was interested. I had practically given up on sex thinking it would save my marriage from constant strife. Then I find I never had a marriage to save. I was so stunned and enraged I couldn't think straight.

The counselor suggested I have some counseling individually, "to prepare myself and learn the difference between guilt, blame, and shame. How to deal with rage might also come in handy." she quipped. I had no sense of humor at that moment. I refused her offer. So she recommended instead that I do some serious learning on my own and handed me a very long list of seemingly unrelated books. I looked at the list and asked her to point out her two most recommended. She circled five. I went to the book store and ordered one. For a year that book sat in my desk drawer before I could bring myself to read it. 

During that year, I remained angry that Tina had so completely deceived me, hidden from me her lack of arousal, her lack of orgasm. I had no idea how to deal with that revelation from Tina. I had been congratulating myself on being a good husband by being understanding and supportive of all that Tina had been through. Then to find out she had been lying to me and hiding the truth from me, it was more than I could even begin to comprehend. I decided I would never touch her again.

I wanted to walk out on our marriage. It had been a farce and it needed to end. But first, I needed to know if I had been part of the reason she feared sex. I visited prostitutes and had a few one night stands, none of which were very satisfying but served to reduce my anger. I lavished attention on strange women just to know I could garner a response, give an orgasm. I got the responses I needed, but I remained empty inside no matter how many orgasms I gave. Finally I pulled out that book that had been languishing in my desk and read the entire thing in one sitting. 

I got up from the table and added more soda to my drink. I wondered what Tina was doing upstairs, why it was taking her so long to get dressed? I sipped some more from my drink and thought back even further to our honeymoon. What fools we had been. What I would give to go back in time and do it over, do it differently. That was the first time I heard the phrase, sexual trauma. 

It was the third night of our honeymoon and she didn't want me to touch her. She begged and pleaded with me to be understanding. She said she had tried to tell me before but couldn't. She said she loved me more than anything but this thing would crop up from time to time and I shouldn't take it as a rejection. 

Then she gave me the all the details, how old she had been, how often it happened, what was done to her, what she was forced to do, who he was, who knew, how it ended. I didn't ask questions. She didn't appear to be emotional as if she was lost in a horrible memory. In fact she appeared to be very calm and unaffected like Sergeant Joe Friday, "Just the facts Ma'am." Several times I wanted to ask her to stop, I couldn't hear any more. I felt sick listening. I wanted to go out and kill. But I dismissed my thoughts and focused on figuring out what the hell I was supposed to say or do in response to her narrative. 

My motto was 'when in doubt, do nothing.' I believed, at the ripe age of 27, that doing nothing was almost always better than doing the wrong thing. And if you're prone to doing the wrong thing, doing nothing was always the wiser course. I made some sympathetic noises and rubbed her shoulder. She got out of bed and refilled both our water glasses. Then she climbed back into bed cuddled up to me and fell asleep. I lay there most of the night and all sorts of murderous plots danced through my mind. I liked imagining I was the hero. 

Sometime near dawn the thought occurred to me that hitting the nude beaches in Jamaica was not likely to be something she would agree to. I therefore concluded the wisest course would be to not suggest bare bottomed bathing. I also concluded I needed to give her space, sexually, and wait for her to approach me again when she was ready. By the end of our two week honeymoon we had had sex maybe three times and my balls were ready to explode. 

Tina got pregnant 5 months after we got married. Not what we planned but what the hell. Tina gave birth to twin boys following a labor that left me desperate to never set foot in a hospital again. Not what we planned for, but what the hell. Our sex life went from dismal to dire and stayed that way for the next twelve years. We had focused on parenting and careers, keeping up with the Jones's, and putting on a show of marital delight. We had stayed together to raise the boys, for economic security, and because it was easier than separating. 

The few times Tina would consent to sex, she did seem to enjoy it. Afterward she wouldn't permit me to roll away from her; she'd wrap her body around me and snuggle all night. It always felt like she was clinging to a life raft. But the following days she would become a complete bitch, never offering a reason. Her past was never far from my mind. I had believed I must tolerate her moods and forgive them. I loved her but she was damaged, so I had to protect her and save her by letting her moods run the relationship. 

I had allowed her excuses, bowed down to her whim and tolerated her mood. I never once challenged her other than superficially. I wore the savior's cap and my role was to protect not to push. There were many reasons not to push the issue of her moods and the lack of sex. I failed to see that I absolutely should have pushed those issues. My fear of doing the wrong thing became as debilitating to our relationship as her fear of vulnerability.

After I read the first book that the counselor had suggested, I went to the book store and ordered the other four. I made arrangements to meet with that counselor on my own a few times so I could discuss the implications of my new understanding of my real role. I was no longer going to be her savior, nor her protector, but her husband. A husband who loved sex, wanted sex regularly and is entitled to open negotiations for more satisfying sex. I was terrified. I wasn't sure if she was ready, and yet I knew her readiness was not my issue. 

"But I'm not ready! I can't, I just can't!" She had cried and tried to get me to go back to the placating role of her savior.

"This is important to me and I have a right to a sex life with my wife. I am sorry for what happened to you but I didn't do it. I'm sorry for the collective wrong doings of men throughout history but I didn't do that either. For our whole marriage I've been paying for the crimes of other men by backing off and giving space and giving time and forgiving over and over again and I won't do it anymore. Take a month and make a decision. I'm not expecting a wanton sex goddess, but I do expect honesty. I do expect you to learn to trust me, and I expect you to be willing to be a wife." 

"Or what?" She fumed. This was the Tina that I had become most familiar with. Make a demand that scared her and be prepared to cover your balls as you run. "What happens the next time you want sex and I don't? Does this mean the deal's off? Does this mean that overnight I'm supposed to be a whore in the bedroom?" She jabbed at my chest and over-enunciated each syllable as she screamed. "Does this mean I have no right to refuse? Are you expecting me to spread my legs whenever I get your signal to obey? How dare you!" She spit out the words like they were lethal bullets. I had backed her into a corner and she came out fighting. 

I remained silent and waited for her to run out of steam. 

"Answer me Jack! Or what? What happens to me when I fail to live up to your expectations?" Her breath hitched and she wrapped her arms around her waist. "Does this mean our marriage is over if I keep failing to have orgasms? Does this mean you walk out if I can't do certain things? Exactly how am I supposed to know..." She covered her face in her hands and flopped to the floor as she burst into tears and cried like I'd never seen her cry before and have not seen since. The sight of her misery broke my heart. She became a little girl right in front of me. 

I remained silent and still and waited for her to decide. That was one of the hardest things I had ever done. 

"I hate this! I. Hate. Being. Broken!" She screamed and hugged herself. Then she sniffed and stood up to face me. "I hate being fucked up. I hate that I can't please you or, or b, be like a normal woman. I hate that I'm so afraid. I hate that I'm thirty-five years old and the shit from... years and years ago still holds me prisoner! I hate that I'm missing out on what other people take for granted." She wiped her eyes and spoke in a whisper; "I want to be normal. I want to be a normal woman and a normal wife!"

"Then do it." I handed her another tissue, kissed her forehead, then turned around and left her standing in the kitchen. I was no longer her savior, her priest, her doctor or her counselor. I had finally become her husband; the man who wanted a wife.

** Really, your comments are great, either posted here or made in private. I appreciate them. Please vote if you don't wish to comment. 



Opening Up Letting Go Ch. 05-06



Chapter 5 

Please Ogle my Normal Wife

Tina threw herself into becoming normal. Every week for months I would get a written report of some sort. At first it was selected paragraphs from journaling she timidly shared. Then it was photo copied pages from healing work books she had completed. Then she placed a schedule on my desk outlining that once a month we were to get away from the kids from Saturday morning until Sunday night. 

Also, we were supposed to ditch the kids one night each week for 4 hours. During these breaks we were forbidden from watching a movie or TV, not allowed to consume more than 2 drinks each, had to stay in the same room except for toileting and had to progressively work towards expanding her level of comfort with nudity and physical touching. Oh, and no sex during those "encounters." 

I was game to try it and was surprised at my own discomfort at first. It took almost 6 months but Tina finally had learned to trust me enough to relax and allow herself to become sexually aroused, be vulnerable and finally, to have an orgasm. 

It seems that first orgasm was quite the breakthrough for her because once she knew she could respond and liked it a lot, she became incredibly responsive and our "encounter" times became "Let's see how many orgasms Tina can get this time." times. She had a lot of missed orgasms and needed some catching up. I really didn't mind at all.

She still had some hang ups, she still had moments of fear and there were still times I would say or do something that would trigger her rage, but she was making progress. She began to blossom over the next few years, taking on challenges just to see if she could do it. Then she began mentoring other women. 

Tina's compassion combined with the strength of will she developed in order to become what she wanted to become; a normal woman, made her anything but. She exuded inner strength in her posture, in her tone of voice, in her calm approach to tense situations and in the open and honest way she dealt with people. "Normal" would never be a word used to describe her, ever. 

Recently, she spent a day and a half mostly naked, frequently tied up and at my mercy. Since then she has continued to come through these new experiences, standing taller as a result. I forced her to trust me, I gave her no choice. As a result she began to recognize that some fear was stimulating. 

Tina not only didn't panic giving a blow job she began to enjoy it with gusto and enthusiasm. That was her proof that she was no longer a traumatized victim. I'd tease and say, "I don't know hon, you look a little afraid right now, I think you should give me a blow job." Usually I'd get a slap on my shoulder and kiss on my forehead, but there was a time when she called my bluff and hauled me to the bedroom.

Although Tina had been productive and prodigious reaching her goal to be a normal woman, I had a new reason to push her sexual confidence. She would find out soon enough, but I wasn't going to waste another moment.

"You look beautiful!" Tina shyly entered the kitchen where I had been ruminating while waiting for her to screw up her courage. Her light blue satin skirt clearly showed the bulges of her garter belt. She was a rare woman who naturally had gorgeous long legs and when they were perched on high heels there wasn't a set of legs in this hemisphere that looked better. "Turn around and show me the rest." I had to rearrange the crotch of my trousers as that fabulous ass danced into view. 

Smooth clean lines indeed, those garter belt bulges only served to heighten the awareness of her perfectly soft ass. A few dimples in each cheek looked good. The off white blouse was sleeveless with a rather high neck; my compromise to her modesty. I started to sweat as I noticed she was chilly. "Oh dear, did I leave the window open too long for this March evening?"

She glanced down at her chest then put her hands on her hips. "Very funny you horn dog."

I patted my lap for her and she seemed relieved to put her arms around my neck as she perched her bottom demurely on my knees, avoiding my growing arousal. 

"How can I not be a horny dog with you as my wife?" It came out before I could stop it, the very thoughts that had circulated in her head, recriminating, self blaming, damaging. 

The words meant to seduce an innocent child, the words meant to place blame on the victim. 'you are so special to me, you are so sexy, you look so pretty just for me, don't you?' 

The words uttered by an angry mother blaming her daughter too young to understand. 'You shouldn't have gone there, you shouldn't have worn that, you shouldn't have trusted him, why didn't you tell me...'

I watched but the light didn't fade from her eyes, she didn't tense up and she kept that sassy smirk on her face. I was reverting to the savior role as I attempted to take the blame for a possible response that luckily didn't come. Now I was the one connecting unrelated events and coming up with... oh hell no!

"If my mode of costume prompts a particular, um, thought," She rang her index finger from the waist band of my slacks, down my awakening cock and back up again. "well that would be a burden you would have to bear wouldn't it?" 

Then she leaned into my neck and very lightly kissed my lips. She looked at me with mischief in her eyes before stealing my drink from the table and she rose from my lap. 

"Don't even think about getting any relief for your, ah, stiffness. You're making me wear this out in public and you will suffer every bit as much as me!" 

She downed my drink, grabbed her coat and purse then headed for the door. 

As I opened the door for her I took the opportunity to fondle her ass, paying particular attention to the offending garter belt bulges. Then I kissed her as I pulled the elastic out and let it snap back into place. 

"Mind your manners princess; I'll have no tantrums tonight." That ought to have reminded her who was in charge, raging boner or not.

The bistro we went to was named Bistro. Not very clever of the owners but the food was excellent and the bar area was usually filled with people waiting for a table. It was typical for Tina and me to go at least twice a month. On weekends we nearly always ran into other couples we knew. 

This weekend was no exception as I immediately spotted Frank Hutchinson, a guy I had been playing golf with for years. I didn't recognize the woman he was with but knew she wasn't his wife, Bev. Frank was being very cozy with this woman and I had to wonder at his lack of sense being so obvious in a place where he knew he would run into people he knew? 

I was momentarily stumped on how to approach Frank while with Tina. If it had been just me, I wouldn't do anything differently. But Tina and Bev were friends and I doubted Tina would overlook this. I braced to redirect hostilities but Tina apparently didn't see Frank as she made a bee line for the only open table. I guessed she was rather eager not to have to stand at the bar all night. 

The table was, fortuitous for me, right smack in the middle of the lounge area. To the left was the long semicircle of the bar, behind which two bartenders worked feverishly making drinks and serving up appetizers. 

On the right was a wall completely covered in the oddest assortment of junk you could imagine, and all of it was painted red, or white and or blue. A child's bicycle, bowling pins, cane back chair, computer monitor, a blender, a fishing pole and more junk all painted red white and blue. It was a décor, Tina and I agreed, made up for the lack of imagination on the name of the place. All the times we've been to the Bistro and yet we've never been able to come up with a theme for the junk, nor any pattern in what part of each piece was painted what color.

"Things you interact with." Tina stated, staring at the junk on the wall as she dropped her purse on the table.

"Too broad and you don't really interact with a chair, sitting on it isn't interacting with it." I looked around and took note of who was present this evening. I had to be sure no one would cross the line and was pleased to see that the placed was filled almost exclusively with couples. Men with women didn't fondle, grope or make lewd suggestive comments to other women, as a rule.

"Your patriotic duty to buy! Buy! Buy!" Frank's voice boomed over to our table.

"How about; American assumption of infinite resource?" Tina threw back with a laugh as she changed courses at hearing Frank's voice. She was on her way to the bar where he sat. I didn't think she had noticed the woman he was sitting with, nor her hand resting on Frank's thigh. She reached out and hugged him loosely as she asked, "Frank, how are you? Where are you living now?" Her coat was still on, only one button undone.

"I'm at home, Bev moved out. It's working out, it'll be fine. Tina, this is Sharon Gibson, Sharon this is Tina Wright." Frank looked completely comfortable so I guessed everything was on the up and up. "Jack! Good to see you, I'd like to introduce you to my lovely date Sharon here but she has very high standards."

Tina and I stood at the bar chatting with Frank and Sharon convivially. The waitress for our table asked for our orders and Tina turned around to talk to the waitress. Franks eyes followed her movement, making that automatic glance down and back up most men do without even thinking. 

As Sharon engaged in a little side conversation correcting Frank's impression of her job, I cozied up to Tina and helped her remove her coat in the middle of the bar. She turned her head and glanced at me with worry in her eye. I cocked my head to the side, raised the corner of my mouth along with my right eyebrow and held her gaze firmly. 

"You look incredible and I'm proud to be with you tonight." I whispered in her ear as I took her coat and walked it back to her chair. She kept her back to Frank waiting for me to be by her side before she turned around. I hadn't noticed it was chilly in this place, but Tina's nipples had.

Now Frank had a clear, unobstructed view of Tina's light blue satin skirt with the offending tell tale bulges of her garter belt. To put it bluntly, Frank looked like he was choking on something; his face turned red and his eyes became intensely focused on her ass. 

I hadn't counted on how hard it would be for me to act as if I hadn't noticed the attention my wife was getting, while I was actually taking in every single glance and stare directed her way. 

I pulled Tina close to me and I wrapped my arm casually about her waist as we turned back to Frank and Sharon together. Frank was still looking at Tina as she turned. Her swinging breasts topped with large hard nipples that were barely concealed behind the blouse, came into Frank's field of vision and his reaction was downright comical. He couldn't take his eyes off Tina's nipples; he licked his lips and flexed the fingers on both his hands. He couldn't have been more obvious with a sign hanging above his head. 

I was half tempted to call him out on ogling my wife, but that would only embarrass Tina. As his fingers continued to flex and dance as if they were playing a piano, it dawned on me that, although this was what I wanted, I wasn't sure I was able to face this.

"So Frank, when are we playing golf again? I hear the new course being built out on Rt 208 is supposed to be playable by mid April." Both Frank and I needed a distraction and golf was the best way to go. I needed a drink to make the distraction complete, but I'd already had one and I could only have one more before I would become too tired to keep going tonight.

"Playable, yeah they're play... um yeah, yeah that's right." I could hear the ripping sound his eyes made as he tore them away from Tina's tits. "They were set to begin in April, but some permits didn't come in on time so they're a few weeks behind. I've got a tee time set up there for the first Sunday in May, want to join me?" 

"Absolutely; you're supposed to be buying the beers next time remember?" I chanced a glance at Tina who was struggling with her composure. Her face was also bright red leading the uninitiated to conclude that she was hot, but her nipples sticking out told another story. "Tina, what do you think, want to join us and inaugurate the new golf course?"

"I don't know Jack; I would just hold you guys back." 

"Dress like this for golf and we'd consider it a pleasure to stand at attention and wait for you." I glanced at Frank silently prompting him to agree with me.

"Tina, you could wear this outfit if you wanted, but I'm kind of partial to your tennis skirts." Then Frank mimed prancing around in a short skirt, bringing his shoulders up, and pretended to hold out a skirt while giving us a prissy smile.

"I do not walk like that!" Tina laughed and playfully slapped his shoulder.

"Excuse me I have to check in with the sitter, be right back." Sharon slowly excused herself. Although she didn't appear to be affected by the lack of attention being sent her way, Frank's expression suggested otherwise.

"Frank I'm so sorry about you and Bev, how are the kids?" Tina slipped right into Ms Empathy mode now that Sharon was far enough away.

"They're fine, really they are. Frankie is big man on campus this year so it hasn't really affected him at all. I know it was hard on Janney when Bev moved out, but they've been talking on the phone every day. Bev's been pretty good about not forcing the kids to pretend she and Christopher are one big happy family. Janney says she hardly sees him when she spends the weekend over there. Bev is happy now, so she's doing her best to help the kids get through this."

"I'm so glad to hear you guys are putting the kids needs front and center. I'm sure it's really hard for both of you. Tell Bev I said hello." Tina said with sincerity. I was kind of surprised she wasn't acting like she wanted to see Bev or talk to her.

"Tina, I know you've known about Bev and Christopher for at least a few years now. I'm not angry, well not at you." I gaped at Tina with this news. How could she know this and not tell me. I play golf with the guy for crying out loud!

"I'm glad you're not. I wasn't happy being in the position of secret keeper and for the record I took every opportunity to let her know how I felt. That's probably why Bev and I haven't really seen each other much the last year or so."

"She told me all that too, she said it was you who forced her into making a decision one way or the other. Don't get a guilty look, it wasn't your fault. She was never home and when she was home she was miserable. It had to stop one way or another. And now I have a chance at finding a woman who actually likes me!" 

Tina reached out and stroked his face in a very suggestive way, then tweaked his cheeks. "Frank, I defy you to find a woman who doesn't like you!"

Frank took a sip of his drink and glanced at the door Sharon had exited from. "Jack, let's put you on the hot seat, what would you do if you found out Tina was having an affair?"

I damn near choked. "Holy shit Frank!" Could this guy read my mind? "If Tina were having an affair I would want to know about it, I'd want to know who the guy is so I could make sure he appreciated this sexy piece of ass!" I slipped my hand down her ass and gave her a gentle pat. "Seriously though, I would want to make sure she was happy, she was being cared for in a way that met her needs, that his feelings for her included a sense of honor and...oh look our food has arrived."

Chapter 6

Baby its Cold Outside

We walked back to the car hand in hand when our evening was over. Tina was glowing with confidence. Yes she had more than a few men blatantly ogle her, but she began to loosen up and realize that not all men are going to attack her because she's desirable. Now of course if I had taken her to a different bar, well then she may well have been fondled and molested or worse.

"And what did you learn tonight my sweet?"I crowed as I opened her car door for her.

"That even a horn dog like you can behave himself with a hard on." Tina giggled as she slid into the seat. I paused transfixed as her skirt slid up her leg and her stocking top came into view. She didn't realize how much she was showing as she crossed her legs.

I leaned into the car and tilted her chin up to meet my lips. I gently brushed my lips over hers and inhaled her scent. As I stood back up I lost my balance and had to grab the car door to keep from falling on my ass. 

"Jack, how much have you had to drink tonight? Maybe I should drive."

"I've only had one drink here and half a drink at home. I am not drunk and you are not driving." I shut her car door and took some time to compose myself. I glanced down at my hands and saw the slight shaking, reminding me of what was to come. Taking deep breaths I walked back to my side of the car and by the time I slid into my seat, I was composed enough to continue with my plan. 

Nothing would divert me from my plan. Time was of the essence now.

Instead of driving us home, I drove to the nature preserve that's just north of where we live. Being here in this wilderness was one of the reasons we moved out of the city and into the dreaded suburbs. I parked in the lot that fronted the river. I had a crazy notion of dancing with my wife. 

I popped in a CD of Dianna Krall, opened my car door and walked around to her side and opened hers. I leaned in and offered my hand waiting for her to grasp it. Once she did she slowly stood looking at me in a strange way. I kissed her and with my right hand holding her left, my left arm wrapped around her waist, we began to dance to S'Wonderful.

"What's going on Jack?" She kept trying to look into my eyes but I wasn't allowing that. "Jack something is going on I can tell."

I braced myself and stepped back so we could meet eye to eye. 

"I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. That's what's going on. That's the sum total. I have just taken my wife out and seen every man wish he was nearly as lucky as me. Now I want to dance with my wife, in the cold chilly night, under the stars." I went back to embracing her, and then tickled her to lighten the mood. "Besides that, I've never made love in a park, on a table, with you."

"In the library with a wrench, Colonel Mustard?" She giggled back.

"No. On a table in the park. Hey look, how convenient a table and, by coincidence, we're also in a park!" I slowly danced us toward the table. 

"While I don't happen to have a wrench on me I do have something every bit as hard. And you may call me Mustard if you wish. Whatever floats you boat my dear." We continued to glide toward the table as I began to nibble at her neck just below her ear. Now that does float her boat, every time.

I moved my hand from around her waist and brought it up to cup her right breast. All night long her nipples had poked out. They begged to be played with and now I would. I scraped my thumb nail over and back, over and back across her nipple and was rewarded with a pronounced arch in Tina's back. Her head swayed back and her nipples became even more engorged. I slipped both hands onto her breasts, then pinched and flicked as I licked her ear. She was so responsive to her nipples being played with. 

She held on to me for balance and I released her just long enough to back her up to the table completely and lift her under her arms so she was sitting on the table. I couldn't be counted on for balance anymore but was grateful I still had strength enough to lift her.

"My skirt, Jack it's going to catch on the splinters."

I helped her unseat herself then took off my coat and laid it on the table. Before I allowed her to hop back up, I unzipped her skirt so I could easily bunch it up around her waist. "Better?"




Opening Up Letting Go Ch. 05-06



"Yes. I love you Jack." She wrapped her legs around my waist and began to fondle my cock. "I have never felt safe with anyone, anywhere, except when I'm with you. You realize that? Even our very first night together I felt safe." She leaned in and kissed me hard. 

I went back to paying homage to her tits, nipples in particular. Her breath caught in her throat and she began to hiss and moan. Her pelvis began to thrust toward me, but she wasn't quite there yet. 

"How much do you trust me Tina? Do you trust me enough to finish this here and now?"

"Yes." She breathed.

"Then take off your coat and your blouse."

"But it's cold!"

"Tina, do you think I am unaware of the temperature or how you would feel being exposed to the temperature?" She shook her head. "Do you think I would put you in a situation where your physical comfort was unduly compromised?" She shook her head no again. "Then do as I ask and don't make me explain." 

I kissed her chin and stroked her nipples some more. Her breath hitched again and she became lost in the sensation. 

"Coat and blouse Tina." I whispered in her ear then stepped back to give her some room. She had to undress herself; she had to make this happen by openly consenting. She was not going to be passively accepting tonight.

She glanced around wide eyed. She looked through the trees where she could just make out the headlights of the passing cars. The only light near us was the interior light from my car and the shine from the moon. Once she removed her dark coat she came into better view in her cream colored blouse, which was so fine it probably was making her colder keeping it on.

"What about you? Aren't you undressing?"

I chuckled at her ploy. "No, I'm staying all bundled up so one of us doesn't get hypothermia. But if you'd like to fondle my nipples I can easily raise my shirt for you."

"Ha ha. Fine you better..."

"Nope, no ultimatums or warnings. No negotiating the conditions. You give in totally. Trust me completely or not at all." I took another step back from her to show her she was on her own in this first somewhat public nudity. She was going to do this by choice, not by coercion or omission of dissent.

She shrugged off her coat and tossed it behind her on the table. Then she removed her blouse and put it on her coat. She was sitting on the wooden park table, with her skirt hiked up around her waist, bald pussy hidden by her tightly clenched legs, wearing a beige garter belt connecting sheer stockings, in black high heels. From the waist up her breasts, a bit more than a handful, were topped by the largest nipples I have ever seen on breasts her size. They were out on display for me, in the park, lit by moonlight, on the table. 

"Perfect. I wish you could see how beautiful you are. Spread your legs, sit up and arch your back. Pose for me."

She complied almost immediately but she kept glancing around as if someone was going to pop out of the woods any second. "Where should I put my arms?"

"I don't know, but they are kind of in the way. What do you think you should do with them?" I hitched in my breath as she placed them both behind her back and arched, posing as if she was tied up. 

"I'm considering standing here and just looking at you, wondering how long I can hold out before I jump to the table and grab your nipples. They're so hard and erect, they really are begging to be played with. They want to be licked and pinched don't they?" I stepped in between her knees and wrapped my arms around her to offer warmth.

Tina nodded her head in agreement. I think she likes a mind fuck as well as a regular fuck. 

"Reach up and play with your nipples for me. Do it to yourself just how I do it to you. Let me see you do that." 

She went straight to her nipples with thumb and forefinger, gently twisting them. She splayed out her hands and strummed her nipples between her fingers. Her eyes rolled back in her head and her back arched even more, impossibly more.

"I can see your juices flowing out, smell the arousal in the air. You have a tangy scent that has a hint of sugar. Keep playing with your nipples." 

I leaned down, drawn by the tantalizing scent. She jumped a little when she felt my hands on her thighs, but settled back down immediately. I pushed her thighs wide apart as far as they would go and leaned my face down to her crotch. I took a lungful of pussy tang then dove in, tongue first. I couldn't get the kind of access I wanted so I gently pushed her back on the table and brought her knees up and out to the sides.

I glanced up at her to see she was still impossibly arched, pinching and tugging on her nipples, gently twisting them erratically. I went back to the juice flowing before me and began to lap up and down her slit. She moaned as I used my thumb to pull the top of her slit as high as it could comfortably go and with my flattened tongue I slowly licked all around her engorged clit. God I was not going to last long, I was far too worked up. I changed my course and placed my palm over her clit bearing down with steady even pressure while I moved my palm in a circle. 

She began to buck her hips and moan with each intake of breath as I increased the speed with which I was waxing her clit. I dipped two fingers into her hole and searched for that rough spot just on the inside of where I was rubbing furiously. She bucked hard and fast and stopped breathing for a few seconds then she let it all out. She flowed onto my hand as her orgasm peaked and I forced myself to count to ten before I was going to ram into her harder than a locomotive.

I unbuckled my belt, unzipped then pulled down my trousers and out popped my straining cock. I grabbed it with one hand and allowed it to take one trip up and down slippery lane before I rammed into her. 

I groaned and groaned with each thrust. She was still playing with her nipples and crying out with her breathy moaning. I reached forward and grabbed her around the waist so I could force her pelvis toward me as I thrust up into her. She slowly brought her hands back beside her head and gripped the edges of the table for stability. This left her breasts free to jump and jiggle with each thrust. I brought my hand back to her clit and vigorously frigged her. She came in an instant. I was losing it with her internal muscles clamping down my cock and with one last thrust I exploded. I held it still for only a second then went back to pumping and frigging. She came again and I slowed my thrusting as my cock shrunk back to normal.

As I slowly caught my breath I asked, "Still cold?"

She laughed and said "Nope. I'm unusually comfortable given the temperature."

"Well you'll get cold soon so let's get you dressed again." I grabbed her blouse and after turning it right side out, after trying to put it on her inside out, I slipped it over her head. I left the rest for her to do as I gathered up her coat and shook it out. I held out my hands indicating she should scoot off the table and when she took my hands she brought them up to her lips and kissed each one. 

Then she did scoot off the table and stood perfectly still while I righted her skirt, then held out her coat for her. She surprised me by pushing her skirt back up to rest around her waist, leaving her dripping pussy bared to the elements. 

I opened the car door for her but she didn't slide in. She took off her coat, then her blouse, then she put her coat back on. She folder her blouse in half then laid on the car seat and proceeded to sit on it. When she turned back to me she laughed at what was probably a very puzzled expression. "I am dripping with nothing to catch the drip. I don't want to ruin this skirt by sitting on it. Sheesh! You men never think of those things."

I opened the glove box and pulled out a hand towel. "Lucky for you I'm not your typical man. But I much rather like the way you solved this problem." Then I shut her car door and tossed the towel behind my back as I walked over to my side and climbed in. "Now open you coat for me so I can stay wide awake driving us home." After the heat kicked on, she did just that.

**Comments are most welcome, as always. Voting is okay if you don't want to comment. 



Opening Up Letting Go Ch. 07



Chapter 7; Anything and Everything I Want

"Baltimore? What are we going to Baltimore for?" Tina said the name of the city as if it left a bad taste in her mouth.

"What do you have against Baltimore? I hear it's a nice city. I have a presentation to make and thought you'd like a long weekend away?'

"It's just not what I think of when you mention a weekend away?" Tina had never been very good at hiding her disappointment, and clearly, she was disappointed.

"Okay, I'll grant you that Baltimore isn't on the top ten weekend getaway list, but I have be there Thursday and Friday, only a few hours each day. The rest of the time I'd like to be deeply buried between your fabulous legs. The only way that can happen is if you come with me."

"Well, if you put it that way I will go get us packed right now!"

"Not yet my love. Though I appreciate your enthusiasm, I have another activity in mind. It's a game called Simon Says. I know you've played it before but there are some new rules to this game. I'm Simon and you have do what I say. Do it well and we get to keep going, do it poorly and the game is over."

"You are Simon and I have to do what you say? How is this different from real life?"

"Because my name is Jack. Simon says you may not talk."

Tina didn't move except her imperial brow lifted nearly to her hair line. 

"Simon says follow me in an attitude of pleasant compliance." I walked into our home office. It was actually a bedroom that had been vacated by our son Brian. A year after the twins went off to college; Tina moved Brian's things into his twin's bedroom. Brian and Braden were not thrilled to learn of their shared bedroom back home. But it seemed ridiculous to leave two bedrooms unused for 9 months of the year. This May, the twins would be graduating and we still didn't know if they planned to move back home or not. If they did move back in here, Tina wanted to reconfigure things as the originally were, giving them their own rooms again. My first inclination was to not make it so easy for them to move home, by giving them back their own rooms. But now I secretly and selfishly hoped they would move back home with us. 

I sat down in the ridiculously expensive desk chair Tina had insisted we buy. I had to admit, it was remarkably comfortable and I was glad she insisted on it. Tina successfully resisted the urge to crow on the rooftop that she had been right.

"Simon says sit on the desk facing me and place your hands in your lap." I pushed a stack of files and a pile of bills out of the way. 

Tina silently sat on the desk and crossed her legs.

"Simon says lean forward." She began to lean forward but since her legs crossed, she was in danger of falling into me, so she spread her legs. Then her eye brows went up and she spread them even wider as she grinned and shook her head at me.

"Simon says unbutton your blouse." She did.

"Simon says remove your blouse and toss it on the floor." She did.

"Simon says lower the straps on your bra." She did.

"Simon says unhook and remove your bra." She did, slowly, teasingly. She was good at this game.

"Simon says lean forward and make your breasts shimmy from side to side." I leaned back in my wonderfully comfortable desk chair and watched Tina's tits bounce into each other as she shimmied her shoulders. "Simon says do not stop until you have been told." I slowly raised my hands to her breasts and just held them still and in place which caused her nipples to rub against my palms as she obeyed my instructions. She arched her back and closed her eyes clearly enjoying the game.

"Simon says stop. Simon says stand up and remove your jeans and panties." She had been breathing heavily, off in arousal land, but managed to hear my instructions and respond appropriately.

"Simon says sit back on the desk in exactly the same position. Simon says makes your breasts shimmy." Again I raised my hands so her nipples would rub against my palms. After a few minutes I noticed the comical way in which she tried to shimmy her breasts at the same time that her hips were circling and grinding. She couldn't control those hips at all when her nipples were being played with. I was curious to see how her mind and body would reconcile these two seemingly incongruous actions. Her shoulder movements were a cognitive task while the movements of her hips were an associative response. Meanwhile she's becoming more and more aroused, thus making cognitive tasks more difficult and associative movements more pronounced. 

My mind wandered to body movement and neural functioning; the connection between motor neurons and associative movement. How many motor neurons does it take for the body to associatively respond to stimuli, specifically, sexual stimulation? Would pelvic grinding and thrusting be one of the last things to go, or among the first? Perhaps being in my office wasn't having the kind of effect on me I had anticipated?

"Simon says lay back on the desk. Simon says pull your knees up and spread them wide." As she completed her instructions, I stood up and continued to play with her nipples. 

I could smell her arousal, mixed in with grapefruit body lotion she must have recently applied. I glanced down at her pussy and smiled. I wondered where she got the idea to shave her mound only leaving two patches of hair that distinctly resembled a T and a J. She had kept her nooks and crannies shaved completely smooth though. I approved.

I leaned down and began to swab my tongue on all her hairless parts. She moaned rather endearingly as I latched onto her swollen clit. But then the phone rang. I reached over to turn on the answering machine but then saw the number on caller ID and knew I couldn't allow Tina to hear this message.

"Simon says freeze. I'm sorry babe but I have to take this call, I've been expecting it. It won't take long though so you just stay right where you are."

Shit, damn and god damn hell! I just wanted one more week, just seven lousy stinking days of having everything normal before the storms came. 

I reached for the phone and as I picked it up I lost my balance and fell pulling the phone down with me.

Tina gasped something loudly; I can't say what, as she jumped off the desk, pushed the chair out of the way and kneeled beside me. "Oh my God! Jack, are you okay?"

I could hear the woman on the other line saying; "Hello? Hello?" I saw the look of concern in Tina's eyes. I felt the pain in my side where I had obviously hit the arm of the chair on my way down. But then I noticed that Tina was still naked and I decided to focus on that.

I said into the phone, "I'm here. Can you hang on just a sec, the phone dropped?" Then I covered the phone into my side, the side that was throbbing.

"Simon says you are in big trouble for moving before Simon told you to. Simon says cease worrying and help me up." I was pissed at my weakness. This was the third time in as many days I felt too weak to get myself up after a fall! Damn it!

As I settled myself back into my chair I realized the spell had been broken.

"Tina, lets continue this a little later. Give me time to take this call and lick my wounds."

"Are you okay, did you hurt something?" She was running her hands over my head; looking for an ominous bump, no doubt.

"Yes, God damn it I said I'm fine. Now will you please let me get straightened out here?" I said much more forcefully than I should have. I needed her out of the room. I wasn't keeping it together like I had been. I needed to get this call over with and regroup, in private.

After she left, carrying her clothes with her, I was on the verge of tears. The picture of dejection she had presented was acutely painful to me. I reached for calmness and took several deep breaths, a technique I had read about when researching this fucking disease. 'Calm and quiet' I thought to myself.

"Hello, sorry I kept you waiting. I fell and took the phone down with me."

"I take it this is Mr. Wright then?"

"Yes, was it the fall or the length of time it took to get back up that gave me away?"

"I'm so sorry Mr. Wright. This is Gabby Leventhal from the Packard Center, I'll be your care coordinator. I am calling to confirm the appointments we have lined up for you next week."

"Yes, Gabby thanks for calling. But now is really not a good time. Could you just shoot me an email with the appointment times and locations? You have my email address right?"

"That's fine Mr. Wright. I understand this is all new to you and overwhelming as hell." She paused a moment like she was waiting for me to say something in reply. Agree with her? Disagree with her? What would be the point I asked myself?

"Mr. Wright, I would like to make this all go away but we both know that's not possible. What I can do though, and sometimes this makes people angry, is make sure my patients have the support they need. Mr. Wright, you haven't told your wife yet have you?"

I remained silent, gritting my teeth. I was not interested in being accountable to this woman.

"I take the silence to mean that you haven't told your wife. I am also figuring out that you don't want to talk about this right now. So I'm just going to explain one more thing. My job, as your care coordinator, is to make sure you are prepared with everything you are going to need. Sometimes I must place preparedness ahead of the patient's desire to block it all out. Sometimes I must force them to at least be prepared with equipment they will need. How many times have you fallen in the last seven days?"

"Maybe five times." I lied.

"Have you had any broken bones or concussions yet?

"Yet? Are broken bones and concussions part of the progression?"

"Only if the patient refuses support, a walker may be necessary very soon Mr. Wright."

"Are you finished yet?" I seethed! Who the hell did this woman think she was?

"I'm used to patients being angry with me. It's okay Mr. Wright. That's how I know I'm doing my job and taking care of them. Most of us here, are here because we've lived through it. I'm no exception. I'll send you the email as soon as we hang up and I'll see you next Thursday."

I stayed in my office for another hour before I was composed enough to face Tina again. God, just let me get through the next seven days before I have to tell Tina.

It was not to be though. 

Tina and I had arrived in Baltimore that following Wednesday evening and checked into an historical Bed and Breakfast. Our rooms were beautiful. We had a king size four poster bed, decked out in linens that Tina went nuts over. In the bathroom was a glass paneled shower stall big enough for two with room to spare. It had dual shower heads, above and dual shower heads below. We both could stand under our own shower head while our crotches got sprayed by the lower shower heads. But the best part for both of us was the double sized Jacuzzi tub! I planned to use all the water Baltimore had throughout the weekend. 

We were also on the first floor so there were no steps for me to worry about. Tina had noticed my foot dragging, but I told her I had hurt my knee when I fell in the office. In the evenings when I was really tired, my speech was a little slurry. Because she had jokingly accused me of drinking too much I took to nursing a pretend rum and coke every afternoon to throw her off track. She believed we were here in Baltimore because I was wrapping up a consulting job I did, giving my final presentations. I had already quit working full time and was only going into the office a few times a week, for only a few hours. 

We decided to have dinner in our room that first evening; Tina was so enamored with the decorating she didn't want to leave the room. I went out to pick up dinner and a bottle of wine while Tina had a nice soak the tub.

When I came back I had one of the kids from the front help me carry the food and wine into the room, tipped him before we arrived so Tina would think it a regular service. The scene, as I opened the door, caused my heart to stop beating. I dropped the wine on the nearest flat surface and grabbed the food boxes from the kid shooing him out the door. 

She was holding my MRI films up to the light. My leather portfolio that secretly contained all my films, MRIs and other test results had been opened; the contents spilled out all over the various surfaces. She turned to me and I saw that tears had been running down her face. But her look warped into a murderous rage when she met my eyes. 

"Well, haven't we been busy while I was out getting dinner. What the hell is all this Tina?" I was kidding myself thinking I could divert her wrath by confusing the identity of the culprit.

"What is 'Amyotrophic Lateral Scleroses and why are we really here in Baltimore?"

"Tina, sit down. Put the films down and come sit on the sofa with me." She continued to stare at me, not moving, not breathing, not shaking, not anything. "Tina, please put all that down and come sit with me."

Still she didn't move so I got up and went to her, pulled the film out of her hand and pulled her back to the sofa with me. Oh, God I didn't know how to do this. There was no good way to do this. I had brought her here, with me, specifically to do this. But she had intruded into my plan. And now, I couldn't even remember what I had planned to say.

I took a few moments to regroup. I wanted to hold her hand but my hands were shaking, from nerves, not from neuro-muscular atrophy.

"We are here in Baltimore to spend time with each other. I am here in Baltimore to see some specialists at Johns Hopkins Hospital. I have ALS and there is some research going on here that might lead to a good treatment." I waited for her to ask, but she just stared at me. "Tina, do you want me to tell you more or do you want to just think about this a while."

"Tell me." Had she even moved her lips or had I imagined her response?

"Okay, you asked what Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis is, it's called ALS or Lou Gehrig's' disease." At that name she looked at me and the tears just came pouring down her face again. She had a close friend when she was in high school whose mother died of ALS. "Do you know what that is now?"

"Tell me more."

"It's a neuro degenerative disease; there is no treatment, no cure. I will slowly loose all muscle functioning in my body and die." I stopped there but remembered the rest from when it had been explained to me. I could expect to lose the ability to balance, walk, move my arms and hands, ability to eat, or talk, and finally the ability to breathe. My brain will otherwise function normally, I'll be able to think and feel and remain as intelligent as I am now. Locked in a "glass coffin" is how I will end my days in two to five years.

"How long have you known? When were you going to tell me?"

"A while now. After I found out if I could get into this research project thing here, something about stem cells. It's a long shot that I'll get in but it's worth a try. I didn't want you to get your hopes up, and then dashed if I don't get in. I was planning on telling you Friday evening. That way we could spend Saturday and Sunday here, alone together."

She began to shake, her whole body, like she was freezing. I went to the bed and grabbed the blanket. I came back and wrapped her in it. But then she got up, took off her robe, and got into bed. She curled into a ball, into her cocoon. I was familiar with that cocoon, the drive to block it all out, make it go away. I wasn't sure what to do so I sat there and waited. 'When in doubt do nothing;" came flooding back to me so I got up and took off my clothes and got into bed with her.

I reached over and grabbed her and she clung to me, still crying. But then the hyperventilating began. I had expected to hold her as she cried but hadn't thought about true hysterics. She wasn't hysterical yet so I put my energy into keeping it that way.

"Tina, calm yourself, take a deep breath. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. I'm still here and I promise I won't put you through too much. I can end this as soon as it becomes too much on everyone. I promise it won't be horrible."

She sat up and looked at me. I sat up and looked at her. And then she tried to slap the shit out of me!

"Don't you dare!" She smacked my head. "Don't you even think about leaving me? How dare you?" She smacked my shoulder. "You will not "end this" do you hear me!" She smacked my head again. "You will stay here!" She smacked around my arm as made a weak attempt to block her slaps. "And you will stay with me as long as you can." Self preservation kicked in so I grabbed her wrists and held them at her sides as I rolled on top of her.

"Damn woman, you don't smack a dying man's head!" I nudged my knees between her legs and pulled her wrists above her head.

"Then don't you ever talk about ending it. Again! Do you hear me Ja..." I kissed her hard to end her tantrum. She pulled her hands free and scraped her nails down my back as she arched her pelvis into me. "Now Jack! Please, I want you in me now. Right now." 

"Give me a second for crying out loud? You go from smacking my head to pulling on my dick?" But then she rolled on top of me and kissed her way down my chest, licking my nipples, her hands finding what she wanted. Her mouth followed her hands and she devoured me. Okay, that did it.

When I was hard enough for her, she climbed on top and straddled me. She was fierce in her determination to have me in her. She grabbed my cock and plopped herself right down on top. She moaned and dug her fingernails into my chest as she pumped herself forward and back ward. I figured I'd better cooperate and allow her the lead on the one. She seemed a little possessed, maybe even dangerous. I reached up and grabbed her nipples, pinching and twisting and brought her to climax. 

After she calmed a bit, I rolled on top of her and took over. I pumped into her rhythmically. "Now are you going to behave or do I have to tie you up?" 

"Just stay..." She panted, "just, right here..." She lifted her legs and wrapped them around my back. "just right like this, forever."

"I'd be happy to." I grabbed her legs under her knees and slammed into her over and over again. My right arm let go, but my left arm still held.

She was panting now and I could feel her clamping down on me. With a final push we both climaxed together. As my breathing came back to normal, I noticed her breathing was still erratic only it was from crying. I stayed with her, inside her for as long as I could, holding her and letting her cry. 

After some time passed I got out of bed to get some tissues, her face showing the effects of her pain. I had seen enough of my wife's pain to last three lifetimes. I wanted to make it all better for her, allow her to make it all better for me. 

I wiped her eyes and held the tissue to her nose and told her to blow. "Remember when Josh had that cold, what was he 18 months? I was trying to teach him to blow his nose. Both Brian and Braden were standing in front of him blowing snot out their noses, chanting ; 'bwo snot Joss, bwo it Joss.' "

"Oh, God that was funny! You wouldn't let anyone wipe their noses until Josh got his snot trail. The twins kept yelling they had the bigger snot trail than you?" Then she gasped. "Oh God, Jack the boys! How do we tell them?"

The following afternoon, we walked back to our car in stunned silence. The appointments with the neurologist, the physical therapist and of course the social worker Gabby left us on overload. Both lost in thought, taking it in, processing. I had had a lot more time to process all of this but Tina seemed shell shocked. I opened her car door for her but she turned to me as if she wanted to hug me.

"Not now love, let's just keep moving for now?"

When we got out of the garage parking lot I suggested a late lunch at a nearby dinner that was supposed to be famous among the locals. She shook her head in silence and continued to shake her head with each suggestion I made for a lunch spot.




Opening Up Letting Go Ch. 07



"Not hungry?"

"I don't know if I'm hungry. I just don't want to be in public right now. Can we get some place to deliver so we can go back to our room?" She ran her hand down my cheek, softly grazing the stubble. I had decided not to bother shaving that morning. I no longer had to pretend I was working so I went casual to the appointments.

"Sure, we still have the wine from last night too. Want me to get you drunk and have my wicked way with you?" I slid my hand from her knee to her crotch, and rubbed on top of her mound. Just in case she wasn't sure what I meant.

The tears I had been expecting from her all morning began. "I want you to have whatever you want. I'll not deny you anything. Anything at all." Tina spread her legs as wide as the seat would allow. She slumped down in her seat, and grabbed my hand to guide it where she wanted it to go. With her left hand she began to rub me, keeping tempo with her right hand that was still guiding my right hand.

"Uh Tina love, we are not in the best area of town here. I'd hate to have to defend us with a raging boner."

"But I wasted all our time together. I wasted all those years!"

"Babe, don't..." I pulled my hand away and rubber her cheek.

"No it's true. I couldn't..." She wiped her eyes, ran her hand through her hair and turned toward me. "Not another second will I waste. Not one single second. I mean it Jack. Anything you want, everything you've ever thought of. I'm serious, anything and everything you want I want to give you. You have to let me make it up to you."

This could be interesting, I mused.





**Thanks for reading, thank you for your comments. Please provide feedback on the story as a whole so far? I really appreciate the feedback you've given so far. It's extremely helpful. Voting would be good too.



Opening Up Letting Go Ch. 08



Chapter 8; To be a man, a husband, a father, in the dark.

I am lying on a beach, in the sun. My skin, chilled to the bone only a few moments ago, now basks in the heat as it soaks into my body. My bones respond and begin to feel light again. The heat penetrates so thoroughly, so efficiently. I can feel heat; heat to the point where I feel wet from perspiration. But the heat remains a comfort the likes of which I haven't felt in so long. On my stomach and chest, I feel the small hills and valleys of footprints from those who walked in the sand where I presently lie. The sand is hot too. 

There's a man swimming in the ocean, I hear him calling for a woman. He should swim back in to shore, I think to myself. The current is taking him too far out. Where is the woman he's calling to? Someone should tell him to swim back. 

The heat cradles me and I turn onto my back allowing the sun to penetrate my face. Even my eyes feel light and worshiped by the sun. I raise my arms and stretch my legs. I groan from the comfort this act brings. The heat feels different now, like it's been centered. I don't feel it on my face anymore. I miss that heat, but where the heat is now seems nice too.

I turn my head and look for the man again. He's in trouble, he needs help. I look for the woman that is supposed to be there, but she is just watching, crying. Why is she crying and not helping? The woman waves to the man five times, and then she blows a kiss. She turns and walks toward me, but I can't look upon her face. 

I turn my head away and go back to feeling the heat. The warmth has become focused around my cock. But the rest of my body remembers the heat that just a moment ago gave lightness and energy. The heat that comforts my skin and my bones has made me hard as it comforts my cock. 

It feels so good I want to remove my swim trunks, to allow the heat free passage along my whole body. I reach down to push them off but my arms are now encased in lead. An invisible lead, I can't see it and I can't feel it, but I know it's there. I can't move my arms! I cry out as I begin to panic. I must move my arms, I must rid myself of the invisible lead! The sounds that should be coming from me as I cry out are absent. Have I gone deaf; unable hear my own voice? Where is my sound? I try to turn my head and search for the woman but my head won't move now. I struggle and struggle to make a sound, to make a move, something is terribly wrong.

"Honey...? Jack....? It's all right. Wake up Jack you're all right." Tina's voice appeared in my groggy brain and I startled awake; relieved to have heard my voice through the coughing and spluttering of a fading nightmare. She rubbed my chest and lifted my hand to her face.

"Another one eh? Did I wake you?" I rubbed my hand along her cheek down to her chin. These nightmares were coming three to a night. I couldn't remember the last time either of us slept through the night or even slept longer than four hours at a stretch. I had tried to get Tina to sleep in another room, or allow me to do so, but she refused and threatened murder if I brought it up again.

"No, you didn't wake me at all...I was, um. Oh sheeshe I'm so... I was kissing you awake. I was trying to, um, wake you. But I guess I wasn't ... Oh never mind." She jumped out of bed and headed for the bathroom while she wrapped her satin robe around her hips.

'What the hell was that all about?' I thought as I slowly pulled myself into a sitting position. It was then that I had felt my boxers bunched around knees. I pulled the bed sheets away from me, as best I could given my physical limitations, and saw the wetness around my cock and my pubes. 

"Fucking nightmares!" I grumbled out loud. I reached down to pull up my boxers and had them a few inches higher by the time Tina emerged from the bathroom. She had made herself busy and didn't look at me to allow me the small dignity of pulling up my own shorts. I gave up and simply recovered myself with the sheets.

"Hey babe, come here." I was grinning at her embarrassment. I always found her nervous activity cute. But when her cheeks were pink from something sexy; that I found downright enticing. "How about if I pretend to be asleep again, and you can go back to waking me up? Only this time, there will be no nightmare to interfere."

"You want me to?"

"Is the fucking Pope Catholic?"

"You know, you don't get to talk like that just because you're dying?" She held up a hand to preemptively cut off my rebuttal tirade. "You do, however, get to order a morning blow job whenever you wish. Now lay back and close your eyes so I can pretend my initial attempt wasn't what caused the nightmare."

We both cracked up with laughter. My laughter morphed into moans as that heat returned to my cock.

It had taken Tina nearly the whole summer to be able to say out loud that I was dying. At first I felt I should just give her time, but I found myself rewording things in her presence, so she could keep her pretense going. We were both falling into our old habits and this was not something I was going to allow. Of course, I'd had to go through my own despair, my own depression, my own paralyzing fear of what was in store. 

It's funny how you pass a point and out of the blue acceptance begins. I can't say if there was an event or if something prophetic was said that caused a light bulb to go on. Most likely it was a series of events and conversations that slowly lifted my heavy veil of despair. As they say, it's darkest before the dawn. But we can never know how long the dark lasts or when it will end until we begin to see the light.

The darkest days began with the telling of the news. I got to be an expert at delivering bad news. I learned the importance of giving a clear warning that bad news was forthcoming, allowing some small bit of time to pass, and then delivering the news in a straightforward, non sugar coated way. I had practiced this technique with my golf buddy Frank Hutchinson, the last time I ever played golf. 

We sat in the club house drinking beer and eating lunch. He had seen the funny way in which I walked and had kindly helped me back on my feet several times. We'd had to quit after nine holes; when Frank's concern for my balance, or lack thereof, grew too obtrusive for me to effectively calm.

"So, yeah Frank there is something wrong and it's very bad news." I sipped my beer and silently counted to thirty. When he remained silent and still I knew I had the perfect friend upon which to practice. His reaction, however, was what sealed the deal on our friendship.

"I don't know what the fuck ALS is, but I don't want to waste any time here asking stupid questions. You're going to need help, I'm you man. You're going to need someone to keep watch over the boys, I'm your man. Just tell me what, anything, and it's done." He even pulled out his PDA to begin making his lists. Frank, always so fucking organized.

Telling our sons was as bad as expected. Tina and I sat together on the sofa holding hands. We had printed out FAQ's on ALS to give to the boys. It was emotional, to say the least. What struck me as a warning at the time was how Josh clamped down and stayed that way. He asked no questions, he didn't pick up his set of print outs. He seemed more an angry observer than a participant. Tina and I talked afterward and we agreed that at Josh's age, getting ready to leave for college and all, we should give him space and time.

We then made the rounds to a few other close friends and family. It's strange now when I look back, but at the time I was so concerned that someone not feel cheated if we had neglected to tell them in person or in any special order. But good intentions.... After making two house calls for in person bad news sharing, I simply couldn't do it anymore. I was reliving my own awaking to my future each time. I didn't believe anyone would begrudge me for revising my original intention. We sent out a few emails complete with links from that point onward.

As our friends and family gathered around us, I was relieved that Tina would not be facing this alone. My greatest fear, other than suffocating to death, was that caring for me would wear her out, make her old and haggard before her time. We had been to a few gatherings of other families coping with ALS and I saw the toll it took on the wife, always the wife. There were a few husbands as caregivers, but they seemed to be solidly backed up by a mother or a sister or two. I absolutely refused to allow Tina to become burdened with my care.

Frank, true to his word, stopped by the house every week. He and I would go through my emails and he'd make a list of things I needed to acquire. He began to attend my clinic appointments once he heard Tina tell of her fear of my falling and she not being able to get me back up. Tina ragged on me to use the walker, Frank assured her he was but a phone call away, even if he had to lift my ass up off the toilet. Of course we both began laughing when Frank insisted this was something I had been dreaming about for years anyway. And, coincidentally, it was Frank who was called when my legs grew so weak that she couldn't get me up off the toilet. But I jump ahead.

Looking back and seeing, in hindsight, how the progression of the disease was at first minimized and excused to simple fatigue, I became even more intent on having help other than Tina. By the time both boys were back at home after their graduation and Josh was preparing for his graduation from high school, I called in Frank to help me rework my finances so I could hire some help to get me bathed and dressed a few times a week. With all three boys living at home, the house and yard work could be divided among them. 

But Tina would not be swayed. She steadfastly refused to have a stranger in the home bathing her husband. I tried and Frank tried on several occasions using every tactic we could think. But she wouldn't even engage in the discussion. Damn that woman can be stubborn!

By the end of June, the darkness had closed in and griped us all. Tina had been gardening and hurt her back, but refused to get the boys to finish up for her. I slowly gimped outside, using my walker like a good boy, and found Tina crying in the shed. Considering how long it had taken me to get from the door to the shed, she must have been fighting those tears from some time.

"Babe, what are you doing to yourself? Leave that stuff alone and come into the house." I couldn't get into the shed without risk of falling so I stood outside willing her to come with me.

"I'm alright, just upset that my bachelor's buttons didn't come back." She wiped her eyes and turned away from me pretending to look for something on the shelves.

"Crying over flowers, huh? Come on, please, come with me back to the house?" I held out my hand to her but with her back turned, she didn't see it. "Tina? Tina look at me. Don't make me come in there and put you over my knee!" I was just teasing but she began to really cry at that point.

I imagined the picture I presented of myself right then and agreed with Tina's tears at the pathetic and empty threat of a man I had become.

I turned around and slowly made my way back to the house. Leaving Tina alone with her tears seemed the best I could offer her now. She didn't want me to see her desolation. She didn't want me to know how stressed and weary she had become, in so short a time. My empty tease had only served to highlight what she had already lost. She was in her prime, a beautiful vibrant woman. Now she was stuck dressing me and caring for me and it would only get worse. 

I resolved to call Frank and have him take me to the clinic. From there I could get someone to give me a lethal dose of something. Surely they wouldn't force me to progress to the very end, I reasoned. Even in this country, where euthanasia was called doctor assisted suicide and was still illegal, having ALS was a completely different ball game. There were more than a few doctors who quietly let it be known that they would help when the time came. They could be counted on to allow me some dignity, allow me to allow my family to morn with something of their souls still intact.

By the time I got into the house I had everything all planned out in my head. I need only make a call and get the ball rolling. Frank could tell something was going on but he respected my silence and agreed to pick me up the following morning. I then set myself to work on this very narrative. I didn't start out as a narrative. I originally wanted to leave Tina a long letter expressing my love, sharing some memories and some hopes for her future. A suicide note, in short. In actuality a suicide note in length as I've come to learn most suicide notes are actually pretty short considering all that they're supposed to contain.

I think it's safe to assume, I didn't die, not then. I spent the following week or so avoiding everyone and everything. They had turned me down at the clinic. Rotten lying bastards! I had to find a way to end this before I dragged everyone down with me. 

It was a Monday afternoon and Tina had been out shopping. She came home with Josh, who had taken on none of his share of the work around the house, but seemed to demonstrate everyone's quota of self pity and anger. He slammed his bedroom door announcing, in his way, that he was not to be disturbed. I stayed on my recliner in the family room and ignored everyone's mood. Tina came into the room and offered to help me to the bathroom if I needed it. But I didn't so she just refilled my iced tea for me and went back to the kitchen. The phone rang several times, but none were for me.

I must have dozed off at some point because about an hour later, I had heard Tina arguing with Josh about staying at least on the same floor as me, since my voice no longer carried that far. I heard her crying, I think. Then I heard something bang. I was just wondering if I should call Frank when they both came down the stairs. Josh looking sour and put upon was becoming his normal look. 

Tina looked... worried? She stood there in the family room, looking right at for a long time. I got the feeling she wanted to say something but she didn't. That was odd, I thought. For the longest time I had only seen her look tired and weary. Now she just looked worried. What the hell was going on I wondered?

Tina came back into the family room and told me she was going out and Josh would be home if I needed anything. 

After she left I asked Josh what the hell they were arguing about it upstairs. A big fat no response was Josh's reply. I let it go. A few minutes later, I had to piss. I began to move toward getting up but after realizing Josh was my help for now, I thought the piss bottle might be a better alternative. 

"Josh, bring me the piss bottle please."

He ignored me.

"Josh, I need to take a piss. Bring me the bottle please."

Again, he ignored me. So I threw the remote control at him. When it went nowhere near him but landed by the fireplace and cracked into several pieces, I believe he became concerned. That got his attention. How would he ever change the channel now?

"You know if you're not going to help me out, just say so." He turned away from me to glare daggers at the TV. "What? You're waiting for me to piss my pants? That isn't going to happen. Now please get up and get me the piss bottle. NOW, Josh!" 

As Josh continued his refusal to help me, to talk to me, to even look at me, I had to face the reality of what was. Josh hated me now. Hated me for what I was doing to his mother, for what my disease was doing to our family. I wanted to cry, just lie down and cry for what no longer was.

I slowly edged my way out of the chair and brought my walker around to the front. Standing and walking I could still do, mostly. But getting to a stand was damn hard and usually impossible. I lowered the walker several inches, thinking that would give me better leverage to get up. After a few attempts it worked, I was on my own two feet. 

But the walker's height was all screwed up, I ended up going forward and not stopping till... I woke up. Josh's head was over top me, he was dabbing something on my face and I realized my face hurt really badly.

"Now can I have the piss bottle Josh?"

"I'll get it for you! Just let me get you back in your chair."

Once settled in my chair, with the plastic long necked urine bottle between my legs I was able to empty my bladder. This gave me the opportunity to relax a little and think about what to say to my youngest son who thinks he's man. I recapped the bottle and placed it on the floor next to my chair, making a mental note that from now on, maybe that bottle should stay next to me rather than in the bathroom. After I voiced that thought to Josh, he finally spoke to me.

"I'll be sure to let Mom know your newest demand."

"So I'm demanding? Too demanding maybe? Yeah, I guess not wanting to piss my pants is ... Oh Christ Josh. Come on, what's this really about? 

"Nothing." The brilliant teenager, who aced his AP placement tests and will be entering college in the fall with enough credits to be a sophomore, replied!

"Josh." I quietly said his name. I just wanted to end this current round of hostility and get back to normal. But I had a new normal every week, just about. "You're angry, at me, at ALS, at what's happening to your mother, to all of you. Don't you think I ..."

"Just stop it Dad! God Damn you make me so mad!" He threw himself up off the chair and faced me, eyes blazing. "It's always me picking up the pieces, it's always me! Who do you think kept Mom inside for weeks back when she was sick? Who kept her from accusing the neighbors of taking our trash cans, or trying to spy on us? Who do you think made our lunches every morning? Who do you think held her hand when she cried all day? Who do you think sat with her in the closet, telling her there were no scary people around and she was safe? That was me Dad, ME! Things got better but now... Now it's right back to where it was again. Only this time I'm not a little boy who's stuck inside with his Mom. I am going to college in three months and there won't be anyone here to hold her hand! Do you think I can let that happen?" 

He was pacing and running his hands through his hair, just like his mother did when she was upset.

"Brian and Braden, hah, they took off whenever Mom got bad. They were old enough to go to their friend's house. But it was me who stayed inside with her!" He began to beat his chest with fury. "It was me who turned her closet into a safe house! At least in there she wasn't accusing people of crazy shit!"

"Josh, please, I mean come on, I had no idea she was that bad until you called the ambulance. I never knew ..."

"Like hell you didn't know! I told you myself! I told you she wouldn't let me out of the house, we hid in the closet again today, we're out of lunch meat...I told you the only way I could! I was just a kid!"

"Josh. Oh my God, son, I honestly didn't know. I'm so sorry you were put through all that. So sorry you had to be the one who saved the day. You were the one who finally called an end to it and got your mother help. It should have been me, not you, who called the ambulance that day. It should have been me."

"Yeah, shoulda, woulda, coulda, Dad! But it wasn't you! It was ME!" He had stopped pacing and turned back to me. Faced me with the same rage in his eyes I had seen in Tina's eyes all those years ago. "And it was me who lied for you so she wouldn't find out about the other women too!"

Well that was a new kind of slap in the face. 

"Stop! You go too far. Stop there, right there!" I was not going to have this conversation with my son. It was none of his business, there was no way to explain it, no way to help him understand what that year was like for me and the stupid way I acted trying to get my balls back.




Opening Up Letting Go Ch. 08



"You don't want to hear how I told her the make-up on your shirt was from my dirty hands? How about the phone call from that woman who wouldn't leave her name? I told Mom I'd broken a window and the lady agreed not to talk to my mother, but only my father. Fucking brilliant, wasn't I Dad? How many ten year olds can come up with a lie to save their father's worthless cheating ass, so their crazy mother doesn't go back into the loony bin?"

"Josh! How dare you talk to you father... Don't you walk away from me! Sit! Down! Right! Here! Right! Now!" Holy shit! When did Tina get back? How much had she heard? I never told her about those other women. I never intended to, there was no point.

"Tina, this is between Josh and me. Only Josh and me." I took a deep breath and thought fast. I thought that I would just put off this argument with Josh, find out what Tina heard, then deal with all...

"Like hell it is!"

Apparently I was a slow thinker.

"Josh, my wonderful loving son, I knew about those other women." Tina had squatted down next to Josh's chair and placed her hand on his knee. "I loved the way you tried to save me over and over again. You were the reason I finally woke up. I saw what I was doing to you and I knew I had to stop being crazy if only just for you." She kissed his forehead then turned to me. 

Oh shit.

"Yes, Jack, I knew. At first I was glad. I imagine you know why. Then I was angry, betrayed, abandoned. Then I just felt guilty. I had left you with no alternative. After a while I wanted my husband back but I didn't know how to get him back. I was afraid of... and I was afraid I would lose you. But, you came back to me..." She kissed my forehead. "and we got better because of you." She kissed me again and after she ran her hands down my face she walked into the kitchen leaving Josh and me alone in the family room.

I sat in my chair staring at a blank wall for the longest time trying to wrap my head around what I just heard. Eventually I noticed Josh had been doing the same thing.

"Josh?" 

"Yeah Dad?"

"Get us a beer?"

"Yeah Dad."

*

** The minimal sex found in this chapter will be made up for in the next chapter. I thought there would be a ton of sex in this one but apparently Josh wanted in on the story too. I had intentions of getting other things done these last few days, you know like in real life? But Jack and Tina called, bugged the crap out of me actually.

Thanks to everyone who have left comments here and sent them to me. If you leave your email, I will respond. Right Jim? Maverick One, your email was incorrect; but wanted to say, that was soooo... oh never mind, not in public.

Comment, Vote, Don't make me turn you over my knee.



Opening Up Letting Go Ch. 09



Chapter 9 Tina Speaks

I wanted to title this chapter "How to make love to a man in a wheel chair who can't move his arms or legs but can kiss with passion." But it was too long and Jack vetoed it anyway. He wanted me to title it, "How to F*** in a wheelchair/hospital bed/recliner." But I dislike the F-word intensely. 

We finally agreed on "Tina Speaks." This was only a compromise on Jack's part, for he wished to maintain editorial control while allowing me to bring my perspective to this narrative. However, after I pointed that out my perspective cannot be edited out and I refused to be dictated to regarding my portion, Jack relented. Score one for me.

Then the big decision was where to pick up this narrative and what to include. Did I wish to continue to narrate the story that Jack began, or did I wish to write my own story as a sort of epilogue? I couldn't begin to entertain the word epilogue. That word has an ominous feeling that indicates a sort of finality. Ominous and finality are two more words I dislike and refuse to use. So I decided to go back and read again what Jack has already written, then write whatever pops into my head.

Jack is a moron! He thought I didn't know about those other women? Of course I knew! I could smell them on him. No, not in terms of smelling their vaginal secretions on his groin, get your head out of the gutter! I could smell their body lotion, a cigarette smell here or strange, and usually cheap, perfume there. One time I got into the car with him and when the radio came on, it was tuned to a smooth jazz station. What could possibly induce him to switch from sports talk radio, even listening to fly fishing techniques, to smooth jazz? A woman in the car with him and I knew it hadn't been me. Slowly I pieced things together based solely on what he would say, or wouldn't say. I never asked questions or interrogated him. So yes, I knew.

I knew also, that I had driven him out there. I knew I had cut off his balls, as he has so eloquently mentioned a few times. I really don't want to go back to that chapter in our lives but suffice it to say that to heal a wound that had been left festering for years, all the scabs had to be removed and that was painful, brutal for both of us. 

By not confronting him I took responsibility for him having been there in the first place. Perhaps, unlike many other wives or spouses, I had faith in his love for me. Just as I knew he was screwing some floozy or floosies, I knew he would come back to me. He had put up with such insanity and through it all still made me feel his love for me. My only fear was that he would stop screwing floozies and find a decent woman who would then capture his heart. But as all signs continued to point to different women, I felt I was still safe in his love for me. Only a moron could think I hadn't known.

Jack is an ass! How he could have deluded himself into thinking my desolation and stress had anything to do with being "stuck" as his caregiver while in my prime, just pisses me off! But after my anger subsided I was filled with just sorrow. Because he was becoming more and more locked in, more and more dependant, he was losing his ability to see beyond what was in front of him. Since he thought of himself as a burden, he assumed everyone else felt he was a burden. What an ass! I think I may have to rename this chapter, "Jack is an ass."

Clearly, anger and sorrow can coexist.

After checking on Jack's bruises and discovering the appalling way in which Josh had neglected him, I went,... no, actually I stormed up to Josh's room. I had intended to lay down the law and really give Josh some food for thought regarding his treatment of his father. But I found Josh weeping, sitting on his bed facing the window, holding a picture of his dad and he. 

The picture was taken shortly after Jack and I had returned from our horrid trip to Baltimore. Jack was standing behind Josh, his arms draped over Josh's shoulder, teaching him how to tie a bow tie that went with his rental tux. Josh had been getting ready to head out to his senior prom. In the picture, he was smiling at his father's reflection in the mirror.

The boys hadn't yet been told about Jack's diagnosis when this picture was taken. My hand traced the image of my husband. I could see the lines of regret around Jacks eyes, the sorrow for what was not to be. But to the untrained eye, it simply appeared that Jack was focused on the task at hand. 

Josh took the picture back and copied the movement I had just made, tracing the image of his father. I sat on the bed with my son and we cried together.

"You can see it now, can't you?" I took the picture and studied it again. Damn I was a good photographer to have captured that image!

"Yeah, I can."

"But up until today, you missed it, didn't you?"

"No I, ... yeah, I didn't see it until just now."

"Do you think it's possible you might have missed some other things?"

"Like what?"

"Think about it Josh. This morning you saw in this picture, a man focused on tying a tie. Now you see a man mourning the future he won't have with his son as he ties that bow tie. You see a father trying to pour every life lesson into learning how to tie a bow tie. A bow tie is not something most men are called upon to tie very often, Josh. A man who has to tie a bow tie, but doesn't know how, looks awfully foolish. No father ever wants his grown son to lack the skills a man needs no know." 

I carefully replaced the frame on his dresser and turned to leave. As I walked out of Josh's room I gave him one last bit to think about; the reason for storming up here in the first place.

"I appreciate your concern for me, Josh I really do. But, don't you ever presume to know my mind without consulting me first. He is my love and my life and I'm ... he's ... I would gladly suffer anything and everything for the chance to keep him with me, whole and healthy. I would gladly give up everything to keep him with me for years and..." I stopped and then I closed the door. I had said enough to Josh for the time being.

The next night I was preparing dinner when Frank Hutchinson and Jack came in the front door. Once Jack was safely seated at the dining room table, Frank went back out the door and a minute later entered the house again carrying five large pizza boxes. Ceremoniously, he plopped the pizza boxes on the table and then Frank hollered for all three boys to come down for dinner. Not a one of them spoke to me or looked at me. They all sat at the table and began to devour the pizza.

"What is this? Could you at least have let me know you were bringing pizza home?" I was not exactly angry but have since been told that anger was the dominant emotion my body language displayed. 

Brian and Braden attempted to answer but ended up spewing out bits of pizza instead. Frank threw some napkins their way and Jack turned to me and cleared his throat. This was his way of letting us know he wished to be heard by all of us.

"What's the big deal? You can just wrap up what you've already done and we can eat it tomorrow."

"The big deal is that I have just spent nearly an hour to make us a nice dinner knowing we'd all be home for dinner tonight. That was a lot of work Jack!"

"So what? You keep saying you can handle this. So, handle it." Jack had essentially dismissed me with that comment.

"That is so inconsiderate! I wouldn't have gone to all this trouble if I'd been told about the pizza! I would have taken some time to put my feet up and maybe even read something enjoyable! Instead I've been working toward putting a dinner on the table; wasting my time and my energy when you knew you were bringing home a pizza? As if I don't do enough around here!"

I threw up my hands and plopped down at the table. No sooner had I placed a slice of pizza on my plate I hear an urgent request for salt and pepper. After I brought that to the table I noticed no one had anything to drink, so I brought beers in for all of us. Jack spilled his beer when his fingers loosened around his bottle. No one else moved so I got up and cleaned him, then the table, then replaced his beer.

The entire dinner proceeded like this and when everyone got up and left the mess for me to take care of, I was ready to explode. Actually, I did explode. But, I got three young men and one middle aged man who used to be considered a guest and now was just another member of the family, clamoring to the kitchen to clean up.

They put the glass beer bottles in the trash, not in recycle. They put the pizza boxes on top of the freezer. Then they wiped the crumbs onto the floor! That was it!

"That is not how you clean up after pizza!" I yelled.

"Oh, sorry about that Tina, just tell us how you want it done and next time we will do it that way too." Frank was trying to make a point about something but I wasn't sure what, yet.

"Do you actually need to be told that glass goes to recycle, that empty pizza boxes need to be folded up to be put into the trash?"

"Tina! Will you bring me the piss bottle?" Jack called from the family room. 

"Why do you have to keep calling it a piss bottle? It's a urinal bottle!" 

What were they doing to me?

"Okay enough! Everyone into the family room right now!" I stared them all down as they filed into the room where Jack sat comfortably in his recliner. "What the hell is going on here? You are treating me like hired help, no worse! At least hired help would get paid, time off, maybe even hear a "good job" every now and then?"

They all smiled at each other and I was ready to smack the next smirk I saw.

"Then let me hire some help so you can see for yourself how differently you would be treated compared to someone hired to take care of me?"

Aha! So that was the plan. Wear me down until I cry uncle? For pity's sake, how dumb did they think I was?

"No, and I'm not having this discussion again. I can take care of my own husband and I will take care of my own husband. That is final." As I got up to make sure the discussion was over Jack said something that made my blood run cold.

"In that case, Frank, I want you to change my Medical Power of Attorney, my Living Will and my Advanced Directive. I give you and only you the right to make medical decisions and see that they're carried out. Because clearly you, and only you, will honor my decisions."

"WHAT!" I yelled; frozen to the spot.

"You can't be trusted Tina. You think your stubborn will is going to keep me alive? It won't. You think your love alone will keep my life worth living? Babe, you know what's going to happen in the..."

"Stop, I don't want to hear anymore."

"And that's why you can't be trusted. Frank, make the changes."

"What about us, Dad? We'll follow your decisions." Josh chimed in. 

"I know you would son, I can trust that. But that would leave you three with a war on your hands with your mother. She'll never forgive you for not doing what she wanted. You would be faced with following my wishes and creating an enemy in your mother,"

I snorted in derision. How could he think I'd act that way to my sons!

"... or following your mother's wishes and living the rest for your life knowing you failed to honor your father's last request? I don't want to put any of you in that predicament."

"Jack, you know what happens when you push me against a wall. Why are you doing this?" I could not believe he was pushing me out. I was his wife! How could he do that to me? 

"Yes, I've seen that a few times and at this point I'd have to rely on the speed and strength of my sons to save my balls when you come charging." Jack barely even looked at me. What had I done to make him push me out so definitively? And what was with his preoccupation about his testicles? Did he really think I'd physically harm them?

"I'm not going to attack you! For God's sake Jack how can you even..?" But then I noticed Frank's hands were shaking and when I looked in his face I could see how utterly uncomfortable he was with being privy to this intimate family discussion. "Frank, I'm sorry you had to be here to witness all this."

Frank turned to me, then looked at Jack, then back to me when he said; "I'm sorry I have to see you acting this way Tina. I never thought you would have so little faith in your husband, nor be so selfish. I'm sorry to see this too."

"I beg your pardon?" No way! Did he just say that to me, really?

"Tina, I get that you want to care for and love Jack as long as God Grants. But you are not God. You are demanding that Jack have only you as a caregiver, you are demanding that you not be informed about the next stages and especially demand to remain ignorant of the end stage. Well Jack can't enjoy what time he has left knowing he has to keep watch on you. Hear me Tina, he has already tried to end this to keep you from suffering any more!"

"Frank, what the f***? Just shut up about that."

Frank stood up and yelled. "You two can be such idiots! You for thinking Tina would be better off not having to care for you. And YOU Tina, for sticking your head in the sand!" I don't think I have ever heard Frank say something so confrontational. He's always so sweet natured and even tempered.

"We all know, Tina, what to expect tomorrow and further down the road. We all are preparing for those eventualities you find too disturbing to contemplate. We all trust that Jack will hang on as long as he can. Sadly, Tina listen! Sadly we also predict that Jacks's care will become so exhaustive he will likely need a team of people if he wants to remain at home."

I had tried to interrupt him several times but he would not permit an interruption.

"and we all predict he will find a way out and leave us all much sooner than he should or would, if you weren't working yourself into the ground right alongside him, refusing any help, refusing anyone else's input, refusing to be a full partner in all this."

I was in shock that Frank, our dear friend Frank, would speak to me this way. I looked at the boys and wasn't surprised to see Brian and Braden studying the carpet, while Josh kept looking between Jack and me. When I finally looked at Jack, his eyes were moist. This, I couldn't bear to see. Hurt? He was hurt? Had I hurt my husband?

"Babe, I want a wife. Not a nurse." Jack then scratched his chin with a very suggestive smile on his face. "Although..." 

"Ugh! Dad, offspring in the room. Don't say anymore." Brian moaned as all three boys covered their ears. Then they all looked at each other and did something they hadn't done since they were little. Brian kept his hand on his ears, while Braden covered his mouth and they both watched as Josh grinned and covered his eyes. 

"I don't care how you pose; you're all evil for ganging up on me!" I sighed and sat down on the floor next to Jack's recliner. 

"Frank, don't do anything with the papers yet. Please, just give me a few days to talk to my husband?" I had a plan. I would get Jack to keep his papers as they were. I would be evil and a wife. I had to change Jack's mind about his decisions. He had to agree to medical intervention that would keep him alive. He would agree damn it. I would make him agree.

A few days later my plan was ready for action. Hah, I thought, two can play at this plan thing.

The boys went to the beach for the weekend with Bev, Franks soon to be ex wife. Josh and Frankie had been best buddies since they went to preschool. I suspected Josh also had a wicked crush on Janey their daughter who was a year younger than Josh. I had tried to talk to him about it but he hated when his mother brought up sex. I will never understand why my sons can talk with their father about all those things but with their mother, never. Brian and Braden went just to ride Josh's tail, I feared.

I had held off on bathing Jack until much later in the afternoon, I wanted him fresh. After the boys finally shut the door and Jack was settled in his recliner, I went to shower and dress for the evening. I had purchased a walkie-talkie set, so Jack could summon help without us being in the room. He hated it when I slipped it on a chain and hung it around his neck. But the damn fool was still trying to get himself out of his recliner and I wasn't about to wait until I heard the omin...I mean the thumping and bumping that would indicate he had fallen. {Alright, alright, reading over that sentence I will henceforth lift my ban on the word ominous. What a dumb sounding sentence trying not to use ominous?}

I shaved my legs and the other parts that like to be smooth too. I put on makeup as if we were going to the theater on a Saturday night, an opening night. I styled my hair making it look full and glamorous with big bouncy curls. The trick to making a woman's hair look glamorously sexy is to make it look full yet also touchable. Too much hair spray or too much teasing made it look dangerously untouchable, like a hand would permanently get stuck in the hair. My hair looked touchable, bunchable, and f***able, as Jack would say.

I put on my special outfit for this evening. Where I got the nerve to go into that store and even ask the sales lady for what I was looking for, I will never know. But I came out victorious. As I looked at myself in the mirror I thought I looked good. I was sure Jack would like it. I was also sure I could wear him down and make him agreeable. I could pose and tease and force a total capitulation. 

But as I posed in the mirror I became so panicked at the thought of parading this outfit that I ran to the bathroom ready to vomit. Oh please not tonight, why now? I tried to get my panic under control. I pulled out my old slogan and read it over and over again. I dug out my old work books and willed the courage I once had to reappear. Finally, I gave in to my failure and curled up into a ball. The evening was over before it began.

"Tina! Where the hell are you? I have to take a piss and you left the URINAL bottle in the bathroom." Jacks voice came scratching through the walkie talkie.

"I'm sorry Jack. I was trying on clothes and got carried away. Be right down." I sat up on the bed and gently cleared the moisture from my eyes. Good, no smeared make-up.

"What clothes? I heard the clinking of high heels in the hall way, are you wearing high heels too?"

"Yes, I was. They go with this outfit but I'm not sure I'll keep them or the outfit. I'm taking it off to try to return them tomorrow. Give me a minute."

"Wait, wait, do not take them off. Tell me what you are wearing?"

I was silent. I wanted to answer but I couldn't. My brain wasn't working. I could talk if I was pretending, but I couldn't talk if it had to be the truth. It was a strange hang up, I knew, but I hadn't chosen to be this way.

"Tina? Answer me. What are you wearing, a dress, a skirt and blouse, blouse and slacks, what?"

"Skirt and blouse. Well, not really a blouse; more like a top actually." Okay, I had squeaked that truth out without dying. I should try for another one. "They are designed to wear together, never separately."

"Did you buy this outfit for something particular, or was it just an impulse buy?"

"Well, yes to both. It was an impulsive idea I had to get this outfit because I had... um yes to both."

"You had something in particular in mind?"

"Yes,"

"Can you tell me what it was you had in mind?"

"No."

"Are you still wearing it?"

"Yes."

"Is this outfit something I would like?"

"Yes"

"Something the boys would be pleased to see their mother wear?"

"Hell NO!"

Just then I heard the ominous thumping these walkie talkies had been purchased to prevent. I went rushing down the stairs to the family room to see Jack still sitting nicely in his recliner. But the table lamp was lying on the floor along with a few other things that had also been on the table.




Opening Up Letting Go Ch. 09



"What the hell made that noise?" As if I didn't know. Well, I did know what, I didn't know why.

"My cock rising and knocking over the lamp when I realized you were hiding upstairs in a sexy outfit! Oh my God Woman you are so f***ing beautiful! Stand right here Nurse Naughty. Let me look my fill." His eyes traveled slowly down my legs, back up to my chest, then back down to my feet.

"I thought you were wearing heels?"

"I had already taken them off when you called."

"Well go get them! Put them on and come back in here to take my temperature Nurse Naughty!"

After I righted the lamp, I went back upstairs to get my shoes. I marveled at how Jack was always able to pull from me what I wanted to give, put couldn't quite freely offer. I decided to ask him his thoughts when I got back downstairs.

"Because you are still afraid of your own sexuality and the emotions that you feel compelled to control when you exhibit it." 

He had me sitting on his lap. My head was resting on his shoulder. It felt so good to cuddle with him like this.

"That doesn't make any sense. Hi, remember me? I'm the control freak?"

"You control things with an iron fist when it's something you know you can control, or think you can control. But sexuality is still a little fearful for you and you can't stop the fear. But you're getting good at letting your inner sexy self out! If you can't stop the fear, you can't control the fear. Make sense so far?"

"Yes and no. Why do you make the fear go away?" I held him tighter. Had to make sure he knew what I was talking about.

"Because you let me take away your choice. You've given me the power to control your fear. When I push you and you get afraid, you still let me lead you. I'm not sure I fully understand it so don't get mad if I sound condescending. You can't control your fear, but you know I won't let anything bad happen, so you give me the control and the fear. You fight me, I don't back down. But at the same time, I don't hurt you or add to your fear. That's what I think anyway."

"I give you my fear?"

"Stand up. Now I want you to bring one of the kitchen stools in here, place it in the middle of the room."

I didn't really know where he was going with this but figured I'd play along. I hobbled back into the family room holding the bar stool. It was just a swivel seat with no back or arms. I placed where he told me to. Then waited for my next orders.

"Now I want you to sit on the bar stool, sit up really straight and cross your legs. Hot damn woman you have fine legs." Jack was so intent on watching my legs cross he hadn't noticed my naughty nurse's cap was sitting askew on my head.

"Now, pretend I am blind. I want you to tell me what you're wearing." He closed his eyes to illustrate his point.

"I'm wearing a naughty nurses outfit I got at a sex shop in town."

Jack opened his eyes and coughed out; "You went into a sex shop? Alone? Oh my! This I have to hear. Tell me everything."

"I googled the place and decided to go in as soon as they opened. I figured there wouldn't be other customers there at that hour. I wanted to look around and just grab what I went there for, but I got scared. I was going to leave when this extremely nice woman behind the counter asked if this was my first time in her store. I laughed and asked if I was that obvious. She smiled a very warm and inviting smile, not making fun but not overlooking my obvious discomfort."

"She askled me if I knew what I was looking for and when I nodded my head she suggested 'toys?' I shook my head no, then she suggested 'viewing material?' Again I shook my head and she said, 'costumes?' I was finally able to speak and not look like a 12 year old caught stealing candy. I told her I wanted a sexy nurse's uniform. She asked me my size and went into the back and got it for me. I paid, thanked her sincerely for making this so easy for me, and left."

"That must have been Charity. She owns the place. It's her mission in life to get more women interested in buying sex stuff from her. Think of the market she would have if she could overcome the stigma. I keep telling her to renovate and make the place look like a Victorian boudoir or something. What?"

"You and Charity. On a first name basis? Isn't that nice?"

"Babe, come one. I am a man who likes sex, a lot. I like to look, and I had been entertaining the idea of investing in her little shop. I like to think of it as investing in my community. More people having great sex means a happier community, happier work force, lower crime rate, lower taxes. I should be thanked! Hell yeah, get more women to feel totally comfortable going into that place, hanging out there, meeting friends and sipping lattes ... How happy their husbands would be? Can you just see it?"

"No, not really. Women shop with children in tow, what are they supposed to do when sweet little Sally comes skipping up to mommy holding a vibrator and asking if she can play with the toy?"

We both began laughing as we shared our outrageous visions of well dressed women and how they would redirect their children from playing with anal beads and double ended dildos while not spilling a drop of their cappuccino. By then I was back on Jack's lap. My previous directive to describe my nurse's outfit was long forgotten, or so I hoped.

"So, my lovely, tell me what you're wearing?"

Hopes dashed, I steeled myself to not make an ass of myself. I was determined to make this if not sexy, at least not stuttering and foolish sounding.

"I have white high heels on my feet. They have pointed toes and spiked heels that add about four inches to my height. I have white fishnet stockings hugging my legs." I lifted a leg straight into the air and slowly ran my hand from my foot to my thigh. "The stockings are connected to a white garter belt. Although the outfit came with frilly panties, I thought they looked stupid so I left them off."

At that Jack lifted up my skirt and made a big deal out of not seeing any panties at all. Just smooth skin and some nooks and crannies which had been perfumed in lilac body spray.

"Go on." Jack said with a heavy voice as he ran his hand over my mound.

"My skirt is extremely short, but long enough to cover the topic, provided the topic doesn't move around much. My top zippers down the front. It has capped sleeves and a deep U shaped plunge in the front." I ran my hands over my exposed cleavage, then under my bosom pushing up slightly so the tops of my breasts threatened to spill out of the top completely.

Jack brought his hand from between my legs up to my exposed chest. He grabbed my zipper but couldn't make it slide down. We both knew he wouldn't be able to get my zipper down but I wasn't sure if I should go ahead and do it, or wait for him to tell me to do it.

"Show me Tina. Show me what I want to see."

I pulled my zipper down and drew the each side of the top away from my body. I felt his other hand, the one resting on my back, ball into a fist.

"You can see my bra now. I got it special for this outfit. It's called a demi bra, but it has more features than just a wide open neck line. It has pads to push my breasts up and out. I bought the size down from what I normally buy, so there is even less material that is actually cupping my breasts. If I were to just give a little pull, right here where my nipple is, the lace covering my breasts is overcome by the work load it's being asked to undertake. See what happens? One little tug right here, and oops, my whole breast pops out." As he jerked his hand from where it had been, resting on my belly, up to my breast, I pulled the other breast out. "Now my breasts are fully exposed. My nipples have been waiting for this opportunity all night long."

I grabbed Jacks hand and held it up to my breast. He didn't have the strength to keep his hand where I wanted it to be. I gingerly opened his fingers and allowed them to close around my nipple. As he pinched and stroked my nipple, I felt that lovely current that goes straight from my nipple to my pussy. How can I feel what happens to my nipples so clearly in my pussy?

I lost my train of thought for a while, lost in the sensations.

"You've been a very naughty nurse. Turning your patient on like this. Pull out my cock and feel what you've done to me." Jack slurred his speech. Usually he sounded only slightly slurred. But times like this, when he was very fatigued or very turned on, well, his energy went elsewhere. I highly approved of where his energy was concentrated.

I slithered off his lap and kneeled on the floor at his feet, pushing the recliner back to a regular chair position. I took off his socks and shoes and rubbed his feet, flexing them up and down.

"Stop that, no physical therapy now. Get back to work." 

I ran my hands slowly up his legs, the closer I got to his bulging crotch the lighter my touch became. With one finger I traced the outline of his erect cock, beginning at his balls and in a circuitous pattern, making my way to the head of his cock. When I reached the top of his cock, it was pushing out under his waist band. I pulled down on the elastic of his sweat pants and exposed his cock.

Then I stood up. I stretched like a cat standing there between his legs, my arms reaching above my head, my head thrown back and my back arched. My breasts hanging out from my bra, I pulled the sleeves of the top off my shoulders and allowed it to fall to the floor. I arched my back again and leaned over him, bending at the hips keeping my back arched and breasts flopping downward. 

I grabbed his pants and tried to pull them down his hips. This was progressively getting harder to do as he continued to lose control over his muscles. I had to roll him gently to his right, pull his pants down, and then roll him on his left to get them off his pelvis and below his butt. But once there, pulling them the rest of the way down wasn't hard at all.

Several times during this procedure I could tell he wanted to say something, but each time I shushed him. I knew what he was thinking, how it galled him that he couldn't remove his own pants to make love to his wife. But I didn't care about him needing help. I only cared about us being able to show each other how much we meant to each other. 

His humiliation affected his erection. I knew to expect this, it was beginning to happen with more frequency as he required more assistance. I also knew that the only way to bring him back was to position myself and his body in such a way as to take his focus away from his needs for assistance and back to my needs as his wife.

I tossed his pants on the floor, and then straddled my legs to make room for the foot rest. Looking in his eyes with pure love and a good measure of lust, I leaned over him and pulled the lever to raise the foot rest. 

I held onto his shoulder as I raised one leg and placed my foot on the arm rest of his chair. My hand went to my ankle and slowly ran its way up my leg to my crotch. My skirt was draped between my legs, he couldn't see what I was doing under there. I brought my hand out again and held it out to him. He leaned forward and closed his eyes as he inhaled the aroma of my excitement. Then he leaned back and I placed my fingers on his lips. He licked them gently and asked for more. 

I brought my other leg up and kneeled in the arm rest. I arched my back as I unzipped the skirt. Again I leaned on his shoulder as I slowly and, I must congratulate myself at my age, gracefully pulled first one leg, then the other out of the skirt. I remained kneeling one knee on each arm rest, my breasts hanging out of my bra, my bare pussy framed between the elastic garters of the belt. I actually felt wantonly sexy. I wanted him to look at me, see how much I wanted him, see how hot he made me.

Placing my hands on each corner of the top of the chair, I slowly leaned forward, bringing my breasts to his mouth. I offered the right nipple first. He latched on and I hitched my breath as the electricity went straight to my pussy. God that felt so damn good. I waited for him to grab my nipple between his teeth and threw my head back in response when he did. 

I heard him grunt and chuckle and realized my hips were out of control again. I didn't care and couldn't do a damn thing about it if I did care. I reached down in front and grabbed his right hand, bringing it up to my left breast. I didn't have enough hands to pull his fingers out straight so I rubbed his knuckles over my other nipple as he sucked, licked and bit on the first. Oh this was so perfect. I moaned and whimpered loving every second of this. His mouth was working just fine for the task I set him to. I lost control of his hand as he increased the pace and pressure his mouth was delivering to my nipple. I came with a grunt and a moan.

I was too fired up to slow down. I grabbed his hand again and tried to rub it against my clit but I was in the wrong position. I lowered myself onto his lap then twisted my hips, lifting one leg to wrap around his shoulder, the other leg splayed out as wide as I could get it. He had kept his right hand on my crotch rubbing as fast and as hard as he could. But it wasn't enough. He knew it and I knew it, he no longer had the strength to do this for me on his own. 

"Grab my hand Tina. Make it do your bidding."

I grabbed his hand and forced his movements to be how I liked them. I was too full of lust myself to coordinate his movements with my own very well. I just rubbed his hand over my clit as hard and fast as I could. He brought his other hand up to my chest and I grabbed that one and rubbed it over my nipple. I was panting and moaning frantically. Just a step away from coming again but something wasn't right, it wasn't happening. I could go no faster, press no harder but I kept at it being the greedy orgasm seeker that I am.

"God you're so sexy. Look at you bringing yourself off. I could watch you do this for ever, it's a beautiful sight. Cum Tina, let me see you cum."

Yes sir that worked just fine!

As soon as I began to slow I changed positions again. I grabbed his cock, obediently standing at attention now, and lined it up between my legs. We both moaned as I lowed myself, impaling myself on his cock. I was so wet from my first two orgasms that he slid right in. I reached down to the side of the chair and pulled the lever to the final position so he was lying out mostly flat. I sunk down ever further on his cock and moaned in relief. Now I had enough room to maneuver. 

This one was for him, I wasn't going to bother with trying to rub my clit along his belly. I just used every bit of strength I had left to bring him to ecstasy where I had been floating for some time now. I squeezed my Kagle muscles as hard and fast as I could. I pumped my hips up and down and forward and backward. I was panting from exertion but kept at it and kept at it.

"Bring me your tits Tina. Lean into me and put a nipple in my mouth."

I'm not that coordinated I thought. But I did my best to keep my hips moving and my vagina clamping as I offered up my right nipple.

He bit down and I came again. Then he came and by the time we were breathing somewhat normally again, I had become so tired I couldn't even open my eyes. 

I woke some time later when I felt Jack rubbing my back. It was a pattern he used to wake me up. 

"Sorry love but I still have to pee."

As I lifted myself off of him I saw how absolutely soaked we both were.

"Nope, not urine. Our juices. Don't clean them off me. I like the smell."

I walked to the bathroom and grabbed the urine bottle. I glanced at myself in the mirror. My nurses cap still askew, my hair a mess, my nipples red and swollen. Yup, I looked like a well fucked nurse. 

There, I used the F word.




** Next chapter was submitted the same time as this one, should be posted tomorrow. Next chapter is the final chapter.

**I appreciate the value of your comments, so please let me know what you think of this story? I admit, I want people to like it, but I understand it's not likely to please many due to the rawness. 



Opening Up Letting Go Ch. 10



Chapter 10 Live Laugh Love Lose

As Jack's body continued to deteriorate we found ourselves behind the eight ball in preparedness. Frank and the boys pulled together a team of friends and co workers as they worked with surprising speed turning the garage into a master bedroom, installing a sunken shower with a little ramp so I could wheel Jack into and out of the shower. Equipment was being delivered on almost a daily basis to make his life and my life a little easier.

The king size bed "craft-matic dual adjustable bed as seen on TV" made the biggest impact on our lives by far. Since June, Jack had been sleeping on the recliner while I slept on the sofa next to him. Eight weeks of sleeping on the sofa took its toll on me. I had to admit I was worn out. God it was wonderful to climb into bed again, with my Jack right next to me.

That first night we held hands lying side by side until we fell asleep in total comfort. The next morning I tried to wake him with that ill fated blow job. I felt it important to christen the bed. Afterward we lay in bed. I held his coffee to his mouth giving him sips as I sipped mine.

Josh had decided not to go away to college. A decision I wasn't happy with at all. He deserved his turn to live in a stinky dorm room, wear stinky clothing because he would resist dong his own laundry, and deal with keeping track of his life on his own.

We argued and argued but that kid can be so stubborn! I gave in when he broke my heart, when he reached into my chest and pulled away the protective covering I had placed there.

"My father is dying! At his rate of progression we'll be lucky to have him with us at Christmas. I am not leaving his side no matter what you say."

"Shut your mouth! Not another word, do you hear me!" I grabbed the counter top to keep myself from falling. Everything was going white; the blood was pounding in my ears. My legs felt weak, I couldn't hold myself up anymore. I was going to lose my bowels or vomit, one of the two would happen any second now, but all I could do was slowly sink to the floor.

"Mom, are you alright?"

I felt Josh's arms around me but I couldn't focus on his face. I waited for the vomit to come.

"I'm sorry Mom. God you don't know how sorry I am. But I can't pretend it isn't happening. It's happening. We're losing him and we can't stop it. He needs you now Mom. He needs you to be strong for him."

Josh was crying now. I could hear the sounds of my little boy crying coming out of the grown man who was holding me.

"Soon he won't be able to talk at all. He already chokes on his food and I'm trying to convince him to allow a feeding tube. Do you realize how much weight he's already lost? You weigh more than him now Mom. Think about that. You weigh more than him because he is too tired to chew and swallow. Are we supposed to watch him starve to death?"

I vomited. Why was he doing this to me?

"No more pretending for you and me. No more Mom. He needs you and I need you. Together we're going to make him comfortable. Together we're going to keep his last months with us real. We're going to be real happy, real funny, really prepared, and really convincing that a feeding tube would be less painful for all of us. We're going to let him know that when he's ready to go, we will let him go."

"Let me go." I struggled to break free of my son's grip but he wouldn't release me. "Let me go!"

"No, Mom, you're not going to hide in the closet any more. Remember hiding with me? Remember how I closed the curtains in the house and pulled you into the closet? Remember how safe you felt? I'm still here, you're still safe. But now you have to help dad feel safe."

"What?" Help Jack feel safe? That didn't make any sense.

"He's afraid you're going to force him to live for years and years completely locked in. It's medically possible you know. Imagine being wide awake and not able to move anything, not even open your eyes. Imagine not being able to even move your eyes balls, forced to stare at one scene all the time. Imagine being completely helpless, more helpless than a newborn because even a newborn can communicate through crying. Are you imagining that Mom? How safe do you feel imagining such utter helplessness?"

"But they might find a cure? Stem cells might work? If he can just hang on until we find a cure..."

"The stem cell project won't even be testing those who have progressed to his stage for another two years and that's only if phase I proceeds without any safety issues. You know all this Mom. Two years down the road, maybe. But I'll be damned if I'll allow him to live locked in during that whole time hoping the stem cells even work. They aren't even embryonic stem cells, so there's more that can go wrong. No, I won't allow you or anyone to torture Dad waiting for a long shot."

Josh pulled me forward so he could look me in the eye.

"He needs to be given control over when he's had enough. He needs to hear from you that when he says it's time, you will let him go. Let him go Mom. This is his decision not yours. Let him go!"

"But I don't want him to go..." I could say no more and could only cry as I silently repeated in my head; I don't want him to go but I have to let him go. No! Have to let him go? No. Have to let him go. No, I have to let him go.

Oh God what had I done to my son and my husband?

"Oh Josh, my God, my God, I'm so sorry. Again you save me from myself. You deserve a mother not a blathering idiot. I'm so sorry Josh. My little boy Josh, I'm so sorry." I babbled on for a few more minutes before Josh spoke again.

"Tell me you will let him go. Tell me you will tell him. You need to say it Mom, you know this is how it works."

"I'll let him go Josh. Dear God forgive me. I'll let him go when he decides no matter how much it hurts. I'll tell him that when he's ready I'll hold his hand and kiss the fear away. I'll tell him we'll meet again. God, oh God, I'll tell him to save a place for me and that he'll always be with me." I could say no more than that.

Josh held me for a while and told me I was doing the right thing. I was brave and strong enough to get through this. How did my son come to sound so like my husband?

I wiped my eyes and looked at my baby son. "You sound just like your father, you know that?"

"Yeah, so I've been told. Dad says I sound like you, you say I sound like him. You both are alive and well in me."

"Yes, alive and well in you, my son."



And so it came to be that I was prepared to allow my husband the dignity and control over his death. When I had that conversation with Jack it was difficult for both of us, to say the least. But it was oddly liberating to express our fears to each other. As the pretenses slipped away the strength and courage came pouring in. I don't think I'll ever be able to understand how that worked. I remain grateful that it did, that Jack was able to take strength from me, when he needed it.

Jack did agree to have a feeding tube surgically implanted. Once he learned that he could still eat by mouth and could even have a beer poured down his feeding tube, he was all for it. Eating was tiring but it remained an enjoyment.

My ardor for lovemaking cooled significantly after we had that conversation. I simply couldn't bring myself to be greedy, to seek my own pleasure. I only wanted Jack's pleasure. Guilt can do a horrible thing to a mind. My guilt for having almost forced the death of my husband prematurely in order to avoid a fate worse than death was just too much for me to bear. 

I woke him up each morning seeking his release. Usually I was successful. His speech was almost completely incoherent by the end of September and we eagerly awaited the arrival of a special computer. It was called an eye gaze system. A camera mounted on top of the screen tracked and followed the movement of his pupils. When he blinked, it was similar to a mouse click and whatever letter, word or hyperlink the curser had been resting over was now selected.

As far as ease of conversation, it lacked in a huge way. The boys would simply say, "It sucked big time!" I found myself in agreement with their wording. He could communicate yes, but it was so slow and halting that he rarely had much to say unless he was asked a direct question.

"This isn't so bad, is it Jack? I mean we're both comfortable, we're together, you're not in pain, we can hang on like this for a while, right?" I had put him back in bed after his shower then I went to take mine. He had been playing around with his computer waiting for me to finish.

Yes, I was still holding out hope he would hang on and stick around. But in my heart of hearts I saw how it pained him to be on the outskirts of everything. How many times I saw him begin to type something into his eye gaze only to have him give up because the conversation had moved on. Yes, his quality of life was nothing like it had been a mere seven months ago. But currently, his life did have a measure of quality and that had to mean something?

"no not bad is good when u r quiet long so i can talk" Appeared on his screen.

"Yes, I am impatient sometimes. You will let me know when you want me to shut up and wait for you to respond?

"dont know how cant make it do 2 thing at same time u see i type u wait"

"I can do that easily my love. I'll just have to find a way to be patient while you prepare what you want to say." I leaned over him and began kissing my way down his bare chest.

"You are bad nurse" the computer animated voice said. 

I cracked up laughing but continued my path downward. Once I reached his cock, which was beginning to respond I said, "Don't you mean Naughty Nurse?" 

I looked up at him as a slowly engulfed his cock. This always got him and this time was no different. But as I focused on my work my eyes closed of their own accord. I ministered to his growing cock with every bit of love I felt.

"Takes to long to spell." Said the voice again.

"You know, when you talk in that computer voice it feels like I'm sucking the cock of a robot!" I laughed around his cock as he spluttered out his laugh.

It felt so good to give him happiness, to lay naked together, no pretenses between us. We were getting good at finding joy in strange places.

His cock was taught and I doubted another drop of blood could fit into those glorious blood vessels. I played with his balls as my mouth worshipped his cock. 

"Get up get on give me tit in mouth" 

As I climbed up to straddle his cock we both heard the boys laughing and making noises. Then Braden yelled, "Would you two knock it off! At least turn the volume down for Christ's sake."

Once upon a time that would have horrified me. But today I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard. I've never reached a climax so quickly, while laughing with joy and being so filled with such love. 

But as I came down I noticed Jack's eyes were glazed, half open not focused on anything.

"Oh my God I fucked him to death!" I quickly climbed off him and slapped his face to see if he responded. "Jack! Jack! Wake up Jack!" He wasn't responding!

"Boys! Get in here now. Oh my God your father!" I grabbed a robe and went to the door to unlock it. They came rushing in, Josh already dialing.

They went to their father and someone pulled his computer out of the way while someone pulled his sheets up to cover his cock. I stood frozen in place until someone yelled to put my robe on. Mechanically I complied not taking my eyes from Jacks face; willing his eyes to open again.

"He's breathing!" I heard someone say.

"His finger nails are blue, he's not breathing enough! What do we do?"

The next thing I remember Josh was carrying me to his room with a pile of clothing on top of me. As he laid me down on his bed he warned me not to come out until I was dressed. The ambulance crew was already here, already giving dad oxygen. I had to get dressed to go to the hospital.

As I put my panties on I felt the wetness between my legs, a contribution from Jack comingled with my contribution. I wondered if it was possible to keep those two fluids right where they were, forever. Later, I would think about that later. I emerged from Josh's bedroom to see the stretcher wheel my husband out of our home. He still wasn't moving, God Damn it!

At the hospital they worked on him for what seemed like hours. All three boys were there, Frank had arrived shortly after we arrived. Someone had called him to let him know what was happening.

Finally the doctor came out and we were all shooed into a private room. Did anyone have a copy of his advanced directive, the doctor needed to know? There was supposed to be one on file here but it was a detail we never revisited since that night of the pizza confrontation.

"Why, what's going on with my husband?"

"As best as we can tell, I'm sorry Mrs Wright but your husband has suffered a heart attack. Under normal circumstances we would ventilate to keep him breathing while we hope his heart heals. We have gotten a weak pulse back but it remains weak which indicates the damage to his heart muscle is extensive. The ALS complicates advanced medical intervention. We need to know what he would want us to do."

All eyes turned on me. "No! This isn't supposed to happen like this!"

All three of my sons looked to me with pleading in their eyes. It broke my heart.

"Tina, we've had this discussion. You know what Jack wants. You have to make the call." Frank took hold of my hand. I could sense the conviction he was sending me through the places where his skin touched mine. I heard someone say "be strong, you can do this."

"Let me see him." This was not a request and that doctor had better get his ass up and take me to my husband. I thought I had been ready to duke it out with the doctor but it was Josh who wouldn't let me go to Jack.

"Say it Mom. Tell me and everyone else. He needs you now."

I couldn't stop the tears falling from either of our faces and for once, I had no wish to stop them. Each drop was a physical reminder of how much I love him; loved him. Always love him, always.

"My husband doesn't want any extraordinary measure taken to prolong his life. Should he suffer complications that might appear to prematurely end his life, separate and apart from ALS, he wishes to allow nature to take its course. No extraordinary measures. Do not resuscitate."

At that both Frank and the doctor stood. Frank pulled a large envelope from his breast pocket and quietly handed it to the doctor. The paper work that Frank, God Bless him, allowed me to ignore while I needed to ignore it, and act on their contents as my husband had wished me to. Because eventually, I would have never been able to live with myself if Frank had been forced to step in and insist Jack's wishes be carried out.

Frank came over to me and wrapped his huge arms around my waist, guiding me toward my husband, keeping me from falling, giving strength I so desperately needed.



About two months after the funeral, Frank stopped over to see what needed doing. We sat at the kitchen counter top while he sipped a beer and I sipped a root beer. 

"Tina, Jack would be proud of how well you're doing. You know he asked me to keep an eye on you and he warned me what to look for. He even told me what to do if I saw the signs he was most worried about. Gotta say I was scared shitless agreeing to that."

We both laughed at the absurdity of this huge man being afraid of little me. 

"My husband died happy. I fucked him senseless and let him go. I sent him on his way with a bang. Gave him a tip to make sure he'd save a spot for me."

"Yeah, the boys told me. You realize of course there is no better way to go? It's every man's dream to take his last while buried deep inside a woman he loves. If I didn't know better, I'd think..."

"No need to go there Frank. He was my husband and I take care of what's mine."



** Dedicated to someone I love