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Masochistic Cunt

By: restrainedqueen



"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding." -Anais Nin

In 1969, the term BDSM was first coined to refer to a variety of erotic practices involving bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), sadism and masochism (S&M) and other interpersonal dynamics. Interest in BDSM can range from one-time experimentation to a lifestyle. Unlike the usual "power neutral" relationships commonly followed by couples, activities and relationships within a BDSM context are often characterized by the partners adopting complementary, but unequal roles. For it to work, the idea of informed consent of both the partners becomes essential. Participants who exert sexual dominance over their partners are known as dominants/tops, while participants who take the passive, receiving, or obedient role are known as submissives/bottoms. 

The person who reads this textbook definition wouldn't begin to understand the complicated nature of BDSM relationships, far surpassing the problems of "normal" ones in my limited experience. Since my induction into the BDSM world, I have never been the same, always seeking and yearning for that part of me to be externally fulfilled. A search for the One True Master of my body, heart, mind and soul. I am not sure I am happy with this fact, sometimes I wish I could go back to my life before all of it happened. Ignorant bliss. I often curse the day I met my first Dom. But here I am, and the following are just some of my thoughts and reflections on BDSM. Some of it may already be known to some of you, who have been practicing for years, but these are my lessons learnt on my journey as a submissive. 

Until recently you would have guessed, I never fully understood what BDSM entailed. All through high school I joked to my friends that I was into S&M, as I considered myself into hard core sex; despite being a virgin. I didn't even know what S&M stood for-I just knew that it involved whips and restraint and that seemed to attract me. I pictured that in sex scenes the partners would be wearing leather outfits and cracking whips at each other. I had no concept of the power relation or emotions involved. I imagined that the man and woman could easily interchange who was in charge but overall, I was drawn to the idea of female submission. 

As I became sexually active and my sexual addiction blossomed, I pleasured myself with disgusting fantasies rather than seeking out multiple sex partners. Fantasies that would make most people cringe. The act of sex itself wasn't that appealing to me-it was more the manner in which sex was done and I had no worthwhile prospects. I always knew I wasn't cut out for a "normal" relationship. But of course I had my share of those, and pretty good ones too- where I was treated like a queen, loved and adored. But I always felt like something was missing. 

Then one day, my life's greatest yearning had been awakened in a single moment when I became "owned." It was a fulfilling time for me as I finally discovered that an actual relationship and vocabulary existed to describe what I desired most for as long as I could remember. But it was also confusing, because in all my previous relationships I had never run after any man, nor shown signs of weakness or given anyone the impression that they had the upper hand on me. Yet, I had a stranger who would reduce me to tears. I could not understand why I was so desperate for such love and attention. So it made me question why this relationship was what I wanted more than anything else in the world. It was the only thing that made me feel complete and I could not live without it. 

That led to a period of much stress and heartache. But I learnt so much from the four Doms that I had relationships with. I discovered that I am a natural submissive-willing to submit to every desire of my Owner without being told or asked. Always obedient and eager to please-even anticipating needs/wants and trying to fulfill them, seeking love and approval each time. Each Dom had his unique preferences and likes, which I tried to satiate even if I did not derive my own gratification from the acts. Their personalities, levels of control and sexual needs were so diverse, but I got my own pleasure from knowing that they were content with me. Their satisfaction was my greatest reward. 

My seemingly overly subservient personality paved the way for a great deal of cruelty and abuse, whether intentional on their parts or not. My first Dom treated me like a circus animal, a literal fuck toy that served only his sexual needs. While this could be fine in some instances, it can be detrimental to a first time sub that is like a kid in a candy store, wanting all of it too fast. I devoted my body to him but also wanted some sort of emotional attachment. He knew I was getting caught up in him and enjoyed the attention, but always maintained that to him, what we shared was all in good fun. So when I refused to do something he wanted, he used ignoring me and withholding contact as a way to punish, which was mental torture. So I learnt fast that he was not what I wanted, I needed someone who respected all I had to offer. 

Then there was the one I called my One True Master, and he probably will always be. Older, definitely a very experienced and wise Dom. I had great respect for his discerning mind and sadistic tendencies, which seemed to compliment my masochistic streak. He was always pleased with me, trained me, made me do new things that I can't believe I did when I look back. He also took the time to share who he was and learn about me as a person. After some time he declared that I was his One True submissive, the one he had long searched for. He believed in submission of body, heart, soul and mind. It was perfect, and sometimes if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. One day he just disappeared without a trace. I never knew if he died or if he just got fed up of what we had and didn't know how or care to end it. I guess it was the best escape-no explanation needed. He abandoned me, and it took a long time to get over that, because I had no closure. 

Then I must mention the one I had a great deal of fun with, but there was no real connection. I guess in getting over my One True Master I wanted someone to distract me, and he did. He was sweet and caring, like a "normal" guy in a relationship. His fantasies were simplistic and vanilla, like his obsession with lingerie. But I played along anyway, and he enjoyed the control he had over me, I did everything he asked. But I ended it, it was boring and he did something I didn't like- showing me he had double standards. I don't think either of us was seriously affected. 

Then there was the one who truly had my heart above all. From the time we met we had such a deep personal and sexual connection-natural and effortless. If I had to be with one person forever, it would be him. As a person, his good parts were really good- unparalleled by anyone I had ever met. But real life would have it otherwise. I needed more from him that he couldn't give me, which led me to often question his time and commitment to our relationship. I often excused him but never forgave, so I harbored everything and it piled up into a big mess. On top of that, his lack of communication made me act rashly and say things that aggravated him. So we went on and off, always coming back together as if we were meant to be. I was always the one to say that I was fed up and wanted to leave. But that day when I again broke it off and he openly rejected me for the first time, I wished I was dead. That hurt worse than anything I had ever experienced. But up to this day, there are so many things that I doubted in our relationship that I may never know the truth about. Whether he was genuine, whether I read too much into what we had, whether he felt the same about me. 

So up to now most of you would think me a really stupid submissive woman, and I probably am, letting men treat me like this. But you might be surprised that most who know me would say that I won in life. I am really loud and outgoing in social situations, I carry myself with confidence, a bright smile and similarly bright attire. I am a scholar, I excelled in my studies up to the post graduate level. I have a successful career. No one would ever think that such a woman would ever want to be treated in this way, especially in the horrific, sadistic ways that most of my stories go. It is almost like an addiction to want another person own and control you. So I thought back on my life, looking for signs that would point to my obvious desire to be a pain slave. 

The following might be disturbing to some. It was Sunday evening and I was very young. At that time, there was one channel so we basically watched whatever was on. It was an old Western movie, I looked on with much disinterest as it droned on, until there was unrest as a group of cowboys invaded the small town. Then a scene caught my undivided attention. It was a small room of the house where a scared brown skinned woman, perhaps of Spanish descent, stood in fear. She was young and slim, in a long white cotton frilly dress. Suddenly an older cowboy stormed in the room, breaking down the door and in the background were galloping horses passing by. He was white, older, bigger than her and intimidating. He shouted at her, demanding to know some sort of information, and when she refused he turned her around roughly and tore her dress to expose her back. Then he took a knife and if to punish her for not telling, he cut her skin, making two long cuts in the fashion of an X on her flesh. It was strange, she did not scream, she just cried silently and her face showed pain as he did it and he left just as swiftly as he came. 

This scene struck a chord in me. I was so turned on that I began experimenting with pleasuring myself. As I lay in bed I would put my arm between my legs and squeeze my clit, and bring myself to climax after replaying the scene in my head over and over again. I was young but I felt embarrassed knowing that such a show of brutality brought me pleasure because I knew it was not in the norm. 

That was the start of masturbation, and I soon began doing it at least once a day, sometimes a trigger would make me do it twice or more. I had also weaved a disgusting fantasy world, although I can't remember how I got the inspiration for it; I must have gotten the ideas from TV. It was a world where men and women existed but they were often punished for one reason or the other. For every offence they would have to choose between three sorts of punishment-whipping, a painful injection or slices on the skin with a knife. Whipping them would be brutal, I loved seeing needles being pushed into flesh while they screamed and of course cutting the skin would also be excruciating. I used to lie under my bed and spend time exploring the pleasure that such painful things brought me. Such fantasies would live in my mind and bring me satisfaction until I was a teen when I saw the first scene of a cock being plunged into a wet hole. 

So, that is where it all started. Some would think that the desire to be abused and tortured at the hands of a man stems from some sort of trauma, but I had a wonderful childhood. Looking back on it, there is no doubt that these sadistic and masochistic tendencies are innate, as in my innocence they surfaced on their own. 

So what did I learn after all of this-except that I am a masochistic natural submissive? I learnt that it is dangerous, mentally and emotionally, to submit yourself too quickly to a willing Dom. Every sub is different, for me I have learnt that while I love physical torture, I am not an emotional masochist. So if I must relinquish control to someone, he must love, respect and cherish me. Doms and subs must be matched carefully just as any other relationship, based on personality and limits. I suspect that there are a lot more quality subs out there than men who have the understanding and maturity to be effective Doms. Also, masochistic subs need to be careful because of the extreme nature of play we crave. You must have utmost trust in someone to hurt you up to your pleasurable point with no real detrimental harm. I also learnt that my desperation to submit can be obsessive at times, so it can take a real toll on me. Wanting to please another person all the time, especially if it is not appreciated or rewarded, can make you feel like you have lost your soul, who you truly are, your identity. But submission should never be like that, it should make you feel secure and fulfilled in the arms of the one who owns you. There should be no room for fear of rejection or psychological manipulation. 

So finally, my time had come to meet the one I was truly meant to be with. Number five. He did say once that you must kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince, whether that prince wants to tie you up-make you open, wide, hot and all his, then tease you with his hands and cock until you beg to be fucked like a good toy. 

The most apt quote that I have ever come across to summarize what I wanted all along and finally got, is by Jeff Erno. He says, "But a true Master...was so invested in his sub that he was actually in a way a slave himself. He was a slave to his love for me. He was a slave to his responsibility. He was a slave to the passion and the commitment. He was a slave to his overwhelming desire to protect his property at all costs. He was a slave to his slave. I knew without questions that he loved me so much he'd literally lay down his life for me. He owned me, and his ownership owned him." 

So good luck to all subs out there that are searching for their Dom, and be careful.