11 comments/ 18625 views/ 1 favorites A Light Too Bright By: Xantu I have written this in response to requests from fans for more about Nathan and Cassy. Love to you all. "A Light Too Bright" is about Nathan. It occurs over the three years that span between when Cassy first comes to live with Nathan until she goes to clinic with Cam. It is the communications and experiences that went on between Nathan Landauer and Cam Wanderbourne. If you have not already read "Finding Home" and "Lost in the Wind", I recommend you read those first before reading this. Cam Wanderbourne had only been a wake a short while when his cell phone rang. He almost did not answer, but on impulse picked it up and checked who would call so early in the morning. He stared in disbelief at the screen. Nathan Landauer had not called him in months. "Christ Nathan, do you have any idea what time it is?" It was before 5:00 am. Cam was awake, he usually woke up around 4:00 am, if not earlier. Early mornings were reserved as his work time. If it had been anyone other than Nathan, Cam would not have answered, ...Nathan or Jesus. "Why are you complaining? You never sleep." "That is not true. Anyway, mornings are my work time. I don't usually take calls this time of day." Nathan ignored him. "I need to ask you something." Cam Wanderbourne paused and looked at the phone. Nathan Landauer was not one to ask anyone for anything. Fiercely independent and incredibly quick to take offense, this old friend was not one to reach out. The last time he had asked for anything was when he and Jesus had had one of their blow outs. He had needed a place to crash and ice for his bruises. That had been light years ago. Cam asked, "What do you need?" Nathan's voice was carefully matter of fact, "How much is normal for a girl to bleed when she loses her virginity?" "Nathan, what the fuck are you up to?" "Its not a big deal. I just have a girl, a sub. She has been living here for a week or so and it was her first time. There seems to be more blood than I expected." OK, who is this really?" Cam was not joking. He actually had to sit down. He would have bet anything, hell everything, he owned that Nathan would never in a million years end up with a girl living in his house. Not that Nathan did not like girls, he had always been omnivorous, but he had never been one to pursue relationships with females. While Nathan was perfectly happy to have sex with women, Cam had never seen him emotionally relate to any woman. Even when he had been dating women in college, he had been callous and cruel to them. Nathan had always seemed more comfortable with men, at least until the disaster with Jesus. After that Nathan had pretty much withdrawn from human contact. Nathan's voice was increasingly impatient and worry was leaking in around the edges. "Come on Cam, I am not joking around." "OK, OK." While Cam had never practiced medicine, going straight into psychiatry after his hospital residency, he felt his doctor persona kick in. "How much blood is there?" "It just about soaked up a whole wash cloth." "How long has she been bleeding?" "Its been five, maybe six, hours." Cam smiled to himself. He was right. Nathan really did not know much about women. He reassured him, "It doesn't sound like an abnormal amount. It varies a lot from one girl to the next. Were you careful?" "I was careful!" Nathan's voice sounded defensive. "Check on her in a couple of hours and if she is still bleeding call me back." "OK." "It would be probably be a good idea to refrain from intercourse for twenty four hours. Give her a chance to heal up." "OK." "Nathan, don't you think you should call Jesus." "Fuck no!" His voice was sharp and loud. "What if he comes back?" "You tell him to stay the fuck away from me." "He has a right to know you have moved on." "You tell him that I have someone else." Nathan hung up without saying good bye. Cam stayed sitting, his mind whirling, spinning back to the first time he had seen Nathan five years ago. It had been a cold and rainy fall, which made the the bright sunny day all the more beautiful. Cam had been on his way in to pick up some papers he needed to apply for the last independent study credits he needed to complete his music history degree. The double doors of the old music building had crashed open and two men burst out. They were both yelling at the same time, their voices loud, profanities flying. Apparently they were arguing about a joint project and it was obvious that neither one was listening to the other. Cam was struck by the contrast between the two men. He had seen the big black guy around campus numerous times, very dark skinned, almost seven feet tall and massive, he had huge shoulders and a thick chest. Dressed in ragged jeans and a skin tight T-shirt, he was the kind of man you couldn't miss. Cam had assumed he was part of the athletic department, one of the football team maybe. He moved with the physical grace and confidence of an athlete. The other man Cam had never seen before, appearing almost small in comparison, the six foot man facing the huge black man was visually his opposite. Impeccably dressed in an obviously expensive European cut suit, with long white hair pulled back into a perfect pony tail, was a man so fair skinned, he had to be an albino. He wore a pair of round dark glasses concealing his eyes. Both men were extraordinarily handsome. Cam felt himself grow curious about this improbable duo. "Whats all the excitement about?" Both men turned to look at him. The light skinned man was cool and distant, but the black man turned and exclaimed, "This idiot is a complete fucking asshole! He won't listen to a thing I have to say and I fucking refuse to let him fuck up a month's work!" The pale man held out his hand, "Allow me to introduce myself, Nathan Landauer. And you might be?" His voice was icily formal, all anger suddenly contained. "I 'm sorry, I am Cam Wanderbourne. I hope you forgive me for interrupting, but you two are far too entertaining to not make a bid for a front row seat to the show." "Jesus Jones." The big black man pushed in front and shoved his hand out, still glowering at his opponent. Cam could not suppress the flash of ironic humor. Jesus had pronounced his first name like the Hispanic 'Hayzoose' and the last name with the a hard 'J'. Cam could not resist. "Not Hayzoose Hones?" Jesus blinked, and then looked at Cam sharply. "That was funny maybe the first hundred times someone said it to me." "Well, it may have been too much to ask for me to be original." Nathan Landauer interrupted, "Wanderbourne? You're that guy that got that dinosaur Jinks canned?" "I like to think he got himself 'canned'. Anyone that openly bigoted has no place on this campus." Cam smiled. "Hey, let me buy you guys dinner. If you can call a truce, I volunteer to act as mediator. If you two can stop yelling at each other, you will have a better chance of being successful on your project." It had not been a difference over how to do the jointly written piece, both men were very talented, and while their styles were a world apart, it was obvious they had great respect for each other musically. The problems they faced revolved around communication. As the dinner progressed Cam became increasingly aware of the sexual tension between these two men. Jesus could not keep his eyes off Nathan. Even in the midst of the most animated conversation, he would be talking with Cam but his eyes were on the finely chiseled features of the other man. At one point Nathan pulled off his glasses to rub at his eyes, his brow creased in discomfort. He looked up and blinked a few times and Cam was staggered. His eyes were large and icy blue, deep set and ringed with thick improbably long white lashes. This was easily the the most strikingly handsome man Cam had ever met. Cam felt something stir deep inside himself, a sweet stabbing pang of lust, he could understand Jesus's fascination. Nathan carefully cleaned the round almost black lenses and put them back on. He looked up and realized that both men were silent and staring. His expression chilled, his features settling into an icy mask. His lips tightened in anger and then disdain. He addressed Jesus, "Like what you see? Want a piece of this?" His voice was deliberately mocking and loud enough to turn heads in the restaurant. Jesus yanked his eyes away. His whisper was defensive and gruff, "I ain't no queer." Nathan's voice was both taunting and openly seductive, "I am not so sure about that. I see how you look at me. I bet you think about it all the time, what it would be like, ebony and ivory." Jesus's voice was sharper, "I stare at you, like I stare at any kind of freak show." Cam interrupted, "OK guys, I see the problem here. Nathan, Jesus is clearly uncomfortable with this conversation, and you know that." "You spend a year around him, with him peeking up your dress every time he thinks you're not looking. He is practically stalking me. Who do you think asked to be my partner on this project?" Jesus interrupted, "I asked to have you for my partner because you are the best fucking pianist in the department. All the other choices were fucking rap pop wanna bes." Nathan's voice was suddenly savage, a bitter smile twisting his lips, "Yea right! You are the biggest down low closet queer I have ever met. You get a hard on every time you look at me." Jesus's eyes bugged out. "I ought to punch that pretty girl smile off your fag face." Cam interrupted, "This is going nowhere. First off you promised to to call a truce. Chill out or you will get us thrown out of here. Second of all, I could care less who is or is not fucking whom. That is none of my business but here and now is not the time to figure that out. So lets practice some better manners please." Both men sat silent, shooting looks of pure venom across the table at one another. Cam looked at both of these men. While Nathan had a compelling almost magical beauty, Jesus was an equally handsome man. Very dark skinned, with large, yet refined features, he had a large sensual mouth that was quick to smile and laugh. He had large, exotic, almond shaped eyes. Cam could have sworn he had seen that face painted on the walls of the temples of Egypt. Loud and larger than life, Jesus glowed with vitality. Cam knew he wanted them both. Carefully steering the conversation to music, and then back to them he learned that both men were in their senior years. Jesus had been attending on an athletic scholarship but had quit the sports department and changed his major to music and was finishing his degree on student loans. Nathan Landauer did not have a lot to say about himself, but Cam could tell from his clothes and expensive watch that he obviously came from money. After dinner Cam walked out with the them. "I am having some friends over this weekend. I would love it if you guys would come, nothing stuffy, just drinks, music, and some really interesting people. You guys would fit right in. Feel free to bring dates." Even with the tension between Nathan and Jesus, all three got to be good friends. With some advice from Cam, Nathan stopped taunting and challenging Jesus's poorly concealed attraction to him. In fact, Nathan began to actively date and casually break the hearts of nearly every one of the hot girls on campus. It became increasingly common for Nathan and Jesus to double date and swap girls back and forth. Cam suspected that Jesus came along on the dates to be near Nathan without having to admitting to himself his attraction. It wasn't long before these group dates soon evolved into some pretty wild orgies. It was a pretty wild time. All three of them would go out together, Nathan using his looks and obvious money to set them up with willing girls, the kinkier the better. All three of them developed an interest in bondage, whips and playing Master/slave games. Bisexuality was open and accepted. It grew increasingly difficult for Jesus to maintain his denial. Cam never knew exactly how or when, but one day Jesus stopped resisting his impulses. Cam had always believed that these two would end up together. Their obsession with each other was obvious. What he had not anticipated was how destructive and chaotic their relationship would be. Somehow he had thought once they got the sexual tension thing out of the way they would be OK together. He couldn't have been more wrong. It seems like they fought more after they became lovers than they ever did before, and it wasn't just verbal. Almost weekly, one or the other would be coming to him bruised and bloody, grimly angry over harsh words, swearing it was over. They turned to him for consolation or sometimes just angry vengeful sex to rub in the other man's face. Cam knew he was taking advantage of both men's vulnerabilities but he found he couldn't refuse either one of them. He had fallen for both of them, even harder than they had for each other. Eventually it had really fallen apart. His psychiatry residency forced Cam to relocate to the west coast. Without his peace keeping efforts the wounds the two men inflicted on each other became unbearable. Their separations grew longer and longer. Finally Jesus left and just didn't come back. Nathan withdrew into his little world of his bookstores and his house. And now Nathan had a girl. Cam was still amazed. Nathan had a tendency toward cruelty and impatience, especially around women. Cam had always wondered about Nathan's relationship with his mother but Nathan had never spoken about her. "Call me or I will come out there." Nathan looked at the email. It was the last plea in dozens of messages he had received from Cam Wanderbourne. Some were long and some were short but they were all asking for some kind of communication. Cam had been trying to reach Nathan for almost six months, finally he was threatening to come out. Cam was not one to let a friend to lose touch and Nathan had definitely dropped off the radar. OK, OK. He sat down and began to compose an email. He did not want to call. Talking with Cam could be tricky, he had a way of turning around what you said. Cam, I am sorry that I haven't responded to your emails and phone messages. I guess you deserve an explanation. Everything is different for me in this year that I have been with Cassy. The way I lived my life before was obviously very out of control and wrong for me. It seems like you are part of that old life. I decided to put my past behind me. You have been a good friend to me and I want to thank you for that, but I think it would be a good idea if I make a clean start in my life. Nathan Cam read the email and closed the computer window with a sharp click of his mouse. He had the random thought that it wasn't half as satisfying as slamming down a phone receiver or slamming a door. God damn, how could Nathan turn his back on six years of friendship just like that. Cam knew that it had to be the girl, but Nathan never spoke of her after that first phone call over a year ago. The few times they had spoken, when Cam would ask, Nathan would change the subject. Nathan had always been aloof, private. After Jesus had left he had become increasingly isolated, contacts had become shorter and increasingly infrequent. Now Nathan was saying the friendship was over. Cam sighed and reopened his email. Nathan, You are right, I do deserve an explanation. I am having trouble understanding how my being part of your old life somehow disqualifies me from still being your friend. Nathan I understand you need to move beyond what has happened in your past but to discard everything and everyone is not reasonable. If you need some time to yourself, I will support that. But I refuse to stop being your friend, like its something you can take off, like an old shoe. Do what you need to do. I will be here and if there is ever anything you need, ...well thats what friends are for. I will email you every once in a while, just to keep in touch. It wouldn't hurt you to do the same. Always your friend, Cam Nathan sat in his office, listening to the soft creaks as the old carriage house warmed in the spring sunshine. Other than these sounds, the house was silent. Cassy had grown so adept at noiselessly creeping through her cleaning chores that he hardly ever heard her any more. She was cleaning the kitchen cabinets today. Cassy had grown so efficient that the whole house was spotless and sparkling all the time. Nathan had no plans to go out tonight. He had gotten finished reviewing the daily reports from the stores and had no big projects upcoming. He stretched and pulled on his glasses. He might as well check in on Cassy. He padded silently to the kitchen. Once he got closer, he could hear her soft quiet movements. He stopped at the door and could see her standing on the kitchen counter, her head deep in one of the upper cupboards. She was wearing nothing but a big pair of rubber kitchen gloves and an apron. The smell of pine cleaner filled the kitchen. Her little bottom jiggled as she vigorously scrubbed the far corners of the shelf. The corner of Nathan's mouth turn up briefly. She sure took her work very seriously. Even if it did not look dirty, she still put a hundred and ten percent into it. After two years of daily exercise, her little body was really starting to show her finely defined muscles. Nathan had carefully designed her workouts to build strength and not bulk. His smile faded. He could clearly see the massive bruises on her thighs, just now starting to fade to greens and yellows. He thought back, it was three days ago. Cassy had held to the bar with her hands, her toes barely touching the floor. Her body swaying from the force of the blows of the flogger. Her eyes were closed, her brow furrowing with effort to keep her grip, apparently oblivious to the blows of the whip. Nathan was becoming increasingly frustrated with her silence, her calm, and to him, her apparent indifference. He threw down the flogger and picked up a cane and hit her hard on her thighs just below the curve of her ass. He could tell it hurt, he could see her butt cheeks clench and shudder but her expression reflected in the mirror never changed, her eyes never opened. He hit her again, harder, somehow needing her to acknowledge him, her little body jerked and swayed, but her face stayed the same. Nathan lost it, he had hit her over and over until she fell from the bar, collapsing in a soft jumble of arms and legs. Her face still clenched and closed. "Cassy!" He had called her name, suddenly alarmed. Had she fainted? He pick her up and shook her, her head swung loose on her neck, her whole body limp. He pushed up her eyelid and peered into her eye, but there was no awareness in her. "Wake up!" His voice was panicked. And then she blinked and frowned, her little tongue crept out and licked her lips. Nathan sank to his knees, crushing her against his chest. "Yes Sir?" Her voice was hoarse, almost a croak. She seemed disoriented. "Did I fall?" "Don't you remember?" Cassy tried to sit up and for the first time whimpered, her hand automatically reaching down to touch her thighs and then jerking away like she had been burned. Her eyes looked up at him, frightened. Nathan felt a wave of remorse and just as quickly pushed it away. "Yes, you fell. Stand up girl." Standing, he reached down and took her hand, lifting her to her feet. As she stood, he could see her thighs were covered with red growing bruises, many of them overlapping. They covered the backs of her legs from knees to ass. He flinched back. A Light Too Bright "Cassy go to your room, now!" His voice shook with rage. She whimpered and darted into her room and stood trembling, staring out at him. Her room was the one part of the house he never set foot in. If he sent her to her room, it was as much to protect her as to punish her. Her eyes even more frightened and confused. Nathan turned on his heel and walked up the stairs, his whole body shaking with self loathing. He called a cab. He had to get out of there. While he was waiting he filled two big plastic bags with ice cubes and went down to her. Avoiding her eyes, he dropped the ice on the floor, just inside the door. "Put these on your legs." His voice was flat. "I am going out." "Where to Sir?" The cab driver was not his regular. Where to go? It was late. Almost without thinking he gave him Cam's address. He had not seen Cam in two years. As the cab approached the old stone house that Cam had converted into his clinic, Nathan dialed his number. "Nathan?" "Can I see you?" "Anytime, when would be good for you?" "No Cam. I need to see you now. My cab is parked outside." Nathan could hear the surprise in Cam's voice. "OK, come up the back way. I will meet you at the door." Cam opened the door and the two men stood facing each other. Cam was surprised that Nathan was not wearing a suit. He had never seen Nathan leave his house without one. His hair was down and loose around his shoulders. Nathan's emotional tension was palpable. Cam spoke first. "It is good to see you. I have missed your company. Come on up. I will pour us a drink." Nathan nodded, almost in a daze. He followed Cam up the steep flights of stairs that led to the back door of his third floor apartments. Cam's personal living quarters were amazingly chaotic. Nathan had always felt is like he was entering into a modern wizards laboratory whenever he was there. Cam was attracted to some crazy stuff; skulls, Lego models, gargoyles, hats, swords, stuffed animals, musical instruments, lava lamps, paintings, neon signs, thousands of books, and that was all on the first layer. Nathan once wondered briefly what an archaeological dig would find. Today he hardly saw it at all, his attention focused on his whirling confusion and misery. Cam shove a pile of stuff off a chair. "Sit." He went and poured a generous serving of brandy into a heavy tumbler. Nathan sat and pulled off his glasses. His face normally cool and controlled, was a mask of grief and rage. He rubbed angrily at his eyes. Cam decided not to dance around it. "What is the matter Nathan?" "Nothing." Nathan's voice cracked. "Fuck no, thats not true." His voice was hoarse. "Tell me about it." Nathan gulped down a big swallow of this brandy. "I told you I had a girl, a sub, Cassy. She's been staying with me for the last two years. She's a natural, but she sometimes... hell its not her, its me, like tonight." Nathan told Cam about Cassy's apparent disregard, her complete lack of response to his flogging her. "She has never screamed or made any sound when I flog or cane her but last night she did not even cry or change her facial expression. It was like she was ignoring me. I lost control of myself. I started to beat her with the cane. I really hurt her." Cam interrupted, "Where is she now?" "Home. I had to get out of there. I told her to stay in her room." "Does she need medical treatment?" Cam tried to keep his voice neutral but inside he was panicking. What if Nathan had really hurt this girl. He had visions of her laying alone, injured, in that carriage house. "She is pretty bruised on her thighs. I gave her some ice." "Could she walk on her own?" Nathan was starting to look worried. "Yes. Oh god, I shouldn't have left her alone. Fuck Cam, I was just so scared I would hurt her again." Cam had never heard Nathan sound so vulnerable. "If she could walk, giving her ice was probably all I would have done. Do you leave her alone a lot?" "Four, maybe five times a week. I need to go to town for store meetings. She stays in her room and reads. There has never been any problems." "Have you asked her why she is so quiet and unresponsive?" "Not recently. In the beginning, she said that she felt like if screamed, it would make things worse." She has always been quiet. When she first came to me, she whispered all the time. "She talks normally now?" Nathan looked uncomfortable. "She speaks in a normal tone when she talks. I require it. But she does not talk very much though." "Don't you talk to her?" Nathan's eyes slid around the room. "Not really." "Why not? This is the only person in your life. Why don't you talk to her?" "I just don't feel like it." Nathan's voice was suddenly angry and defensive. "That is not why I keep her. She is a fuck toy, something to fucking experiment on." His voice was getting louder, "Not a fucking girl friend for gods sake!" He drained the brandy from his glass and stared at the empty glass. His hand was shaking. "Why not a girl friend. Don't you love her?" Nathan stood and walked over to the table and precisely put the glass down. His body was a rigid model of control. His voice was icy and neutral, "The last thing I need in my life is to love anyone. Love just fucks everything up." Cam kept pushing. "So why do you keep her?" Nathan stiffened and then trembled. "I don't know. I mean she is easy to keep around, blond, pretty, quiet as a mouse. She is one of the gentlest, shyest little tiny things. She is almost the perfect opposite of of..." He couldn't finish the sentence. The name of Jesus hung unsaid between them. Cam added, "...and she will never leave you." Nathan's shoulders sagged and he nodded. Cam stood and stretched, "Don't take your anger out on her Nathan. She isn't the one that hurt you. When you get home check on her legs. They will be swollen but if there are any lumps or hard places you may have broken a larger vein. I would have to come out and check on her. Call me in the morning and let me know how she is doing." Nathan nodded and stood. "Thanks for letting me come over. You have always been there for me. I haven't been a very good friend to you lately." He reached out his hand to Cam. Cam took his hand and pulled him to his chest, hugging him close. "I knew I would see you again." As they walked out Cam stopped, "Nathan, one last thing, get rid of the canes for now. You know better than to do scenes like that when you are not in control of your emotions." Nathan nodded grimly. Nathan stood for a long time looking down at Cassy. She was curled up inside her usual pile of blankets. Completely buried except for one foot that peeked out, a tiny pink escapee from her safe warm nest. The two plastic bags sat neatly by the door, filled with water now that the ice had melted. It was past time when he would normally be down working out, but he had slept late. He was curiously reluctant to wake her. He slowly slid down the door frame to sit on the floor. His eyes on the rainbow pile of blankets, waiting for her to wake up. She did not wake up slowly. One second all was still, and the next she was sitting up, clawing the blankets from her head. She was breathing in short gasps, her eyes staring at something only she could see. "Child." His voice was soft. Her head tipped toward the sound of his voice, almost like a blind person. Slowly her eyes focused and she gave herself a little shake, like a kitten that had gotten wet. Her eyes looked at him, wide and blue and infinitely trusting. A tiny smile of greeting flitted across her lips. "Child, come here." He held out his hand to her. Cassy crawled out of her nest of blankets and crept to him, reaching her hand out to his. "Good girl." He carefully pulled her into his lap, keeping her weight on her ass, her legs bent, avoiding the bruises on the backs of her thighs. "Did you put the ice on your legs?" "Yes sir." "Good girl. They were pretty bruised. We may have pushed your limits a little far." Cassy sighed and snuggled close to his chest and then yawned. He held her, gently stroking her back. "I think neither one of us slept very well last night. Stand up for me. Let me look at those legs." He lifted her to her feet. He ran his hand over her thighs. Her legs were covered with dark deep bruises, but there were no knots or lumps like Cam had cautioned him about. "Lets take a shower and get some breakfast. I want you to take today off from chores. I want you to keep ice on these bruises for a while longer." Cassy was back in her room with a book and ice on her legs when Nathan called Cam. "You said I should call." "I am glad you did. How is your girl?" "She is pretty black and blue, but there are not any knots or lumps." "OK, good. Keep ice on the bruises for another twenty four hours. How are you doing?" "I feel like shit. Its even worse because she isn't the slightest bit mad. She acts like she thinks this is just a normal thing." "It does not sound like she has any idea of what her own limits are or what she has a right to expect from you. If she is that passive you are twice as responsible for her safety Nathan. I am worried about you. Legally, if I believe she is in danger from you, I am supposed to report you to the police." "Christ Cam, you aren't going to do that are you?" "I have never been one to follow the rules. You know that. But Nathan, I can't in good conscience stand back and let you abuse her under the disguise of a BDSM lifestyle. What you did to her was abuse and you know it." Nathan's voice was defeated, "Yea I know. I think that is why I ended up at your place last night." "If you are having trouble with anger, maybe it would be a good idea for you to talk to someone about it. You could come see me once a week on an informal basis." "I am not going to let you hypnotize me." "I was more thinking about just talking." Nathan finally agreed to see Cam once a month and keep a therapy journal that Cam could access on a daily basis. Nathan Landauer's journal entries over the next twelve months: Her only disobedience is that she increasingly forgets to say 'Yes Sir' when I tell her to do something. She just solemnly nods and obeys. I have been allowing her that. The words just seem to hang in the silence, an intrusion in her silence. The only time I hear her voice is when she reads to me. That and the fact that she follows me with her eyes, watching me almost constantly. I do not correct in this because, between you and me, I think I like it. The only time she looks away is when I look back. It seems that the weight of my regard is almost too much for her to bear. My mother was the only one that spent anytime with me. She was an incredibly beautiful and talented pianist. She taught me music. Before I was born she had a very promising career as a concert pianist. After I was born, she hardly ever left the mausoleum we lived in. She loathed it when people would stare at me in public. I was her burden and her project. She made sure I knew how much she had sacrificed to take care of me. When I was fourteen they ripped me up and out of that dark lonely house and sent me to boarding school. I didn't learn until later that it was because my mother was sick. Boarding school was a horror. I had no idea how to interact with kids my own age. They were pretty cruel to me about my appearance. The only good things I learned there were how to fight and how to fuck. Nothing like an all boys boarding school to develop a taste for buggery. I discovered a my taste in men, big jocks became my passion. I mother died of cancer during my senior year. My father did not have a funeral. In fact, he did not tell me she had died until a month later. He said something about not wanting to interfere with my studies. He closed up the big house and moved to the city. He died not long before I met you, cirrhosis of the liver. I never even knew he drank. It is hard to describe but it was like she wasn't there anymore. When I tried to talk to her she completely ignored me and when I smacked her on the butt with the crop she didn't even notice. When I took the weights from her hands, she didn't resist but her hands stayed frozen in the same position. I picked her up and shook her. She finally snapped out of it. She acted like she didn't remember any of it. It just seemed to make things worse. I walked her into that little one room convenience that she used to live in. I left her standing there. I told her I would be back in three days. When I came back she had hardly moved, just sort of crumpled to the floor. She still had her backpack in her hands. I don't think she ate, drank, or even used the bathroom. After she got home she was the same or maybe worse. I can't send her away again. The house was so empty without her. Me? Get out? What do you mean? I have a job. I own twelve bookstores. I can't work anyplace but here. I need to have my office set up here at the house. Anyway I do get out. It's just when I am here. It's empty like before she ever got here. Fuck she can be standing right in front of me and I miss her. Nathan sat in the cab, looking up at the clinic. He dialed Cam's number. "Cam, I need to come up." "Now?" "Yea, now." "I was on my way out. I have tickets to a show." "Cam, please, this is an emergency." Nathan's voice was pleading. Cam looked at the tickets. Damn, it was something he had been waiting to see for months. He sighed. "Meet you at the door." "Thanks." This time Nathan was wearing his usual suit, his hair carefully combed and pulled back. He pushed past Cam and led the way up to the cluttered room. He went directly to the bar and and poured himself a glass of brandy. "You want one?" "Sure, I guess I won't be driving tonight." Nathan handed him a glass and sat down. "I did the craziest thing tonight. I tried to wake her up, tried to get her attention." His voice was almost matter of fact. "Did you hurt her?" "No, she isn't hurt. I tried to drown her." "You what?" "I held her head under the water in the sink." "Did you get her attention?" "She fought me at first, but then she did this thing. She stopped fighting and actually put her hands on top of mine and helped push her head under the water. She didn't push back or try to get out of the water. She just lay there until she blacked out. I thought for a minute I'd killed her." For the first time his voice cracked and he took a deep breath struggling to control his tone. "Is that what you wanted?" Nathan looked up and Cam was shocked to see his face was wet with tears. "No. I want her to start being alive again. Its like all the lights in her head are turned off, and I know its my fault. I did this to her." "Nathan you can't go on like this. If you can't talk to her, you have to send her to me." "I can't talk to her." "Why? What are you afraid you will say?" "Afraid? I am afraid I will say..." Nathan laughed a bitter bark of laughter and then strangled on a sob. He took a deep breath and took a big swallow of brandy. "I am sorry? Come back to me? I love you? I need you? Oh my god, Cam, I took this little girl and I destroyed her. I was so afraid she would leave me that I literally took away from her all will to leave and at the same time stripped her of her will to live. And she still left me. She stands in front of me... fuck, I can have my cock balls deep in her and she is still not there. She has left me just like everyone has." Again Nathan fought down the sobs, "How come people always leave me?" A Light Too Bright "Nathan she will not get better without help. It sounds like you have already lost her. How can coming here make things worse? Let me help you." "I am afraid. I am afraid if she got better she would really want to leave. If she got to really know me, she would hate me for what I have done to her." "She might. I can't promise she won't. You have to be willing to risk, grow, change. Become a man she will want to stay with. Nathan do you really want to have someone stay with you because they are weak?" "Why would anyone in their right mind want to stay with me?" "Do you believe that?" "Not in my head, but its there in my heart." "You are not a bad person Nathan. You have to let your guard down. Let people get to know you. You will find that they will not leave. Especially if you don't push them away." "You talk about changing. I don't know if I can." "You are already changing, that is why you are so uncomfortable. You won't be alone. I will be there." Nathan had no defenses left. He nodded mutely. Cam was ruthless. "I want her to start depending on me for emotional security as quickly as possible. She has to need me, obey me. I want you to shock her, make her feel abandoned, lost. Tell her to obey me. Send her to her apartment but don't tell her why. I will get her from there." When Cam told him that he was going to have her wait alone for two days. Nathan protested, "Two days! She won't understand." "I need her off balance. I need her panicked." Nathan's voice was angry. "You were always a devious, manipulative, sneaky son of bitch." "But my motives have always been pure." "All right, but I am going to have a private detective watch her place." "Fine by me, but if you tell her to wait, I think that is all she will do. She sounds too shut down to do anything on her own. "How long will she be at the clinic?" "Once she is here I will be using medication and hypnosis to make things move along a quickly as possible. I will most likely create some sexual tension to keep her vulnerable and motivated to obey my suggestion. I can't predict how long it will take." "You want to fuck her?" "I don't know, but if it would help, I might. Would you object?" Nathan looked surprised. "With you? No. Hell, Cam you know how I feel about you. I could never say no to you." "Nathan, I know, and I always have wanted you. But it seems like you always come to me when you are in crisis. And I decided a long time ago not to take advantage of your vulnerabilities. I did that when you were with Jesus. It did nothing to help either of you. In some ways I blamed myself for a lot of your problems." "Cam if you hadn't been there, we wouldn't have lasted as long as we did." "That was then and this is now. You need to send her away to me. Are you ready to do this?" "What am I going to do when she is gone?" It was a groan, wrenched from the very core of Nathan's being. "I will have a lot of things for you to do. For instance, when is the last time you saw your eye doctor?" Nathan looked puzzled by this sudden change of topic. "My eye doctor? I don't know. It was some time when I was in college. Before I met you." "I want you to get your eyes checked and find out what more you can do to see better and prevent your headaches. You tend to use your vision as an excuse to stay home too much." Nathan shrugged and nodded. "I would like to come out and see you at your home while she is at the clinic. I want you to let me inside your head. If you are going to keep her, you will have to do it my way." My way meant hypnosis and both men knew that. Nathan sat in his chair in the library. Cassy was on her knees facing him, her face empty, her eyes dull. "Child, I am sending you to a friend of mine. He is a very good man. He has agreed to help me with something. You will treat him with all the respect and obedience you give me." Her large blue eyes lifted from the floor and found his face. They had been empty but now they grew horrified. Her lips quivered. For the briefest moment he though she was going to say something. Her right hand flinched and started to lift like she had a question. Her mouth opened and closed. Nathan steeled himself, keeping his voice icily controlled. He almost casually spoke the words. "You will go to your apartment. You will wait there until you get a package. Open the package, read the letter inside. Follow the instructions. Go home now." He felt like he was cutting his own heart out. "Make me proud." As she went out the door, he turned to his piano. Journal Entries: Today I go to the ophthalmologist. I always hated going when I was a kid. My mother and the doctor would talk to each other like I wasn't there. She would always demand he cure me, fix everything. And he would try to tell her that there was no cure. I would sit there feeling like a freak failure. They always made me wear really thick lenses that distorted my eyes. They made me look like a fish. I hated them so much, I would smash them as soon as I got them. It was only after I was at boarding school that she let me start wearing them tinted. Cam, Cassy will arrive at the clinic today. Please call me and let me know that she got there OK. How come she hasn't written me back? Tell her I miss her. Nathan sat in his chair looking up at Cam. "What is it you want to talk to me about that you couldn't use the phone for?" "Several things, first, Nathan you know that I think that Cassy's symptoms are from some kind of childhood trauma." "Yes." "I really can't go into detail about what I have learned from her in session but I felt it was important for you to know that I have found out that Cassy has been very severely physically abused as a small child. I am not sure but I think her case was in the news. If I am right, her parents were on trial for killing some of her siblings. Most of the news focus was on the children that died but I remember that there was a girl still that survived. I will give you the links to the news articles." "Christ, Cam that is hard to get my head around." "It would explain her repressed memories. It is a survival mechanism to forget. The trouble is, it is not really forgetting. The memories are still there. They can come up at times." "The other thing I want to talk to you about is Jesus is coming to town. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday." Nathan frowned, "What does that have to do with me?" "Nothing, if thats how you want it. I just wanted you to know." Nathan could not resist. "How has he been?" "He is much the same. He has been embracing the biker thing a bit much, he has a few more tattoos. I think he misses you, but I also think he understands that what you guys had is over. I really think you guys could be friends, if you wanted to." "Friends? I have never been much good at friendships." "Time to learn. Speaking of learning, might as well let me inside your head for a while, as long as I drove out here." Nathan looked up and shrugged, "Might as well." Journal Entry: I read those links that you gave me to the Brasky thing. Its beyond comprehension. Do you really think she could be that little girl? How could someone do something like that? How could someone live through something like that? I will see you tonight. I plan on picking her up around 8:00. I want to keep her overnight and bring her back in the morning. I have reservations at a nice hotel, neutral ground. No rules, just exploring each other like you said. Nathan called Cam's cell phone. "Hey I am her to pick up my girl, first date jitters and all." "Nathan, Cassy had a real rough day. I need to talk with you. Come up to the front door." Nathan stood in the den, his face concerned. "She attacked someone?" His voice was disbelieving. "She has a lot to deal with in a very short amount of time. She just learned that she had siblings that had died and that her parents were the ones that killed them. Its normal for her to have a lot of anger. Windy pushed her at just the wrong, or maybe just the right time, and she just blew up. She has been emotionally all over the place since then. Right now she is just barely managing to hold it together, and is very hyper." Cam continued. "Seeing you will be good, but I don't think it is a good idea for her to leave the clinic. Stay here with her. Don't try to talk about the future, just tell her you love her. Make love to her. With the amount of adrenaline in her system and the suggestions I have been feeding her, she will be very receptive and responsive. Practice your home work. The girl upstairs is not the same girl you sent to me. I think you will like the change, but you better be good enough for her." Nathan looked at Cam quizzically. "You sound like you want her for yourself." "I always fall in love with my patients. Its a weakness of mine." Cam led him up some stairs and to a door and knocked. Almost instantly she yanked the door open. They stood for an eternity drinking in each other with their eyes. It was like they had been apart a lifetime rather than just a few days. Her face was alive, flushed, her eyes sparkling like he had never seen before. Cam laughed and said something but Nathan could not hear his words. Cassy squeaked and backed into the room. Suddenly uncertain, she knelt. Cam touched him and whispered in his ear. "She doesn't know what to do. Tell her what to do." If you have not read "Finding Home", you will find in there what happens next. Thank you for reading this and please leave me feedback, either public or private. xantu