I know. I'm sorry, I know it's late. I was hoping I wasn't gonna wake you. I'm hoping
I can get off this night shift soon. I hate not being here with you at night. I hate thinking
of you in bed all by yourself. No, that's not what I meant. I know you can be by yourself.
I just don't like you to be. I miss you. How was your day? I didn't see you much before
I left. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so you've been in bed for about 16 hours? No, baby, stop it. I'm
not judging you or anything, I just wondered. Baby, stop. Look at me. Seriously, roll over
here and look at me. I know you're depressed, and I know that there's nothing you can do
about it. I know that there's nothing I can do about it. I wish there was, but I know
there isn't. It's... it's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's not anyone's fault.
This just happens. Sometimes you're gonna have days when you can't get out of bed, and
sometimes you're gonna have weeks when you can't get out of bed, and sometimes you're
gonna have months. I've been there for them, remember? I know how it works. I know. I know
that it makes you feel worthless. I know that it makes you feel like a failure. I know that
it makes you feel somehow like you're not a man, or not as masculine, or I don't know,
something to do with your masculinity or being a guy. I know that weighs on you. And I don't
have the answers. I'm not... I'm not that smart. I wish I did. I wish more than anything
that I could just tell you how to fix it. But I do know that having depression and dealing
with the symptoms of depression, like not being able to get out of bed all day, doesn't
make you weak, doesn't make you a failure, doesn't make you less of a man. It just makes
you human. I know you're trying, baby. You don't have to tell me that. I see it every
day. I see you trying. I see you struggling. I see you trying to roll that boulder up the
hill. I don't think you're lazy. It's not that you're not trying. It's that sometimes
trying isn't enough. Sometimes there just isn't... there isn't a way to fix it. There
isn't a way to overcome it. And I know it's really hard to accept, but sometimes there
just isn't gonna be a fix. Sometimes there's just gonna be days like this, and you're just
gonna have to lean on me. You're gonna have to lean on the people around you. You're just
gonna have to let us help you. I know. I know that's really scary, or hard to deal with.
You're always taking care of the people around you. You're always taking care of me, and
I can see how that would be really difficult to turn around and let the people who you've
been taking care of know that you need to be taken care of, too. You're a really strong
person, and it can be really hard to admit that you need help. But even if it's just
to me, I need you to know that it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to cry. It's okay
to be angry. It's okay to be frustrated, or sad, or to not know how you're feeling. That's
completely valid, too. It's okay to tell me that you need space, or that you need less
space. That you need cuddles. If you need me to help you, remember to take your meds,
or remind you to make doctor's appointments, or just go for a walk with you. I can do any
of that. I love you. I do. I love you. And I'm always gonna love you, and I'm always
gonna want to be here for you. I know you think that sometimes you're a burden, and
I understand that line of thinking, but it's not right. It's not correct. You're never
a burden. Helping you, showing you that I care, and that I love you, is really important
to me. If you shut me out, or tried to take this all on by yourself, I would feel really
left out. I would feel really helpless. So it's just as important for me as it is for
you. Okay? So tell me what I can do for you. Right now. Like, in this moment. Can I make
you some food? We could watch a movie. We could play a game. I could leave you alone.
What else? You could go sit in the tub, and I could wash your hair. Massage? Yeah. Of
course I can do that. I love giving you massages. Here, roll over. Yeah, right next to me. Come
on. Right here. Mm-hmm. Face down. There you go. I'm just gonna rub my hand over your skin.
Step up and down your back. There you go. I can feel you relaxing already. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Does that feel good? Good. I'm just rubbing my palm over your skin, nice and soft. Using
my fingertips. My nails. Really gently. I don't want to leave marks. And back to my
palm. When your skin is all nice and warmed up, I'll just start rubbing like this. Still
gently. Yeah, I know. I know I can go harder, but I don't want to. I just want this to be
nice and relaxing. It's not a deep tissue massage. I don't even know what that is. I
just want to relax you. Mm-hmm. Just get your back nice and loose. Yeah, your shoulders
are really tense. They always are. That's where you keep all your stress. Mm-hmm. Tip
your head forward a little bit for me so I can get to your neck. There you go. Maybe
next time I can use some massage oils. No, not those kind of massage oils. I mean, maybe,
I guess, but. How's that feeling? Yeah, you're loosening up quite a bit. Good. Anywhere else?
You sound so sleepy. No, I'll just keep rubbing. You can drift off if you want. Mm-hmm. I'll
be right here. I'll probably fall asleep soon, too. You're welcome. I love you, too.
