Hey, hello. Come in. I'm really glad you could come over. Sorry about the short notice, but
we will get into that later. First, come in. Look at me blocking the doorway like an idiot.
Just don't get going over there. You got your character sheets with you? Excellent. Okay.
So I know I told you we would do this in the living room and the email, but I guess it's
the Bachelorette final season or some shit. Who knows? Anyway, roommates are all a flutter
about it and the kitchen is a war zone. So the only thing left is my bedroom. I know.
Although weird. Don't worry. It's not like it's covered in ponies and unicorns and monkeys
and monkeys riding unicorns. Not 12 anymore. Stop laughing. I went through a monkey riding
things place. What do you mean? Like what? Like unicorns and I don't know, lions. These
were very important monkeys. They had places to go. Shut up. I'm sure you were a little
dork too. What's the boy equivalent of monkeys and unicorns? Uh, like, uh, dinosaurs and tanks?
Wait, that does sound pretty good. Fine. You win this round. Okay. Here's my room. See
totally normal university girl room. Posters of indie bands with non-threatening voices.
Lead singer. Check. Pictures of David Tennant. Clearly the hottest doctor looking sternly
at something. Check. Oh that? This is so dumb. I was reading Cosmo. What do you mean? When?
Last time I sat at the doctor's office. What do you think stupid? It was either that or
golf weekly. So whatever. Anyway, they said to really bring a pop to your room, you should
always add a bit of tapestry. So I framed my vinyl copy of tapestry by Carole King.
I know I'm hilarious. None of the ladies I room with here got it though. Okay. I guess
we'll have to play either on the floor or the bed. And the floor sucks. Like, sucks.
I mean, do you want to get your butt close to the carpet? Who knows how many generations
of students have giggled their way through anal in this very room? Yeah, I can really
paint a picture with words. Can I? There's a reason I'm the DM, you know? Okay. Hop in
the bed. Get your character sheet out. We can roll the dice on this book. Okay. Just
let me do a quick recap. Previously on Dungeons and Dragons, our plucky adventures finally
made it to the Mad Queen's lair and true to her reputation, she quickly froze party en
masse trapped in unbreakable hold person spells all except you. What happened to you is unclear.
One minute you were in the lair. Next, you're here. Whoever here is. So that's a sitch.
The stuff that happens to you separated from the party they can't know about. So it's easier
if we just have a quick narrative session here to, you know, establish what happens
to you when you blinked out of existence at the lair. So what do you do? Inventory check.
But you have everything you were carrying with you in the lair. So like your short sword,
your crossbow, some provisions, a quiver, and your leather armor. Not much really. You
look around, it's not exactly dark. It's more like an absence of any color or light,
like maximum gray, ultra blech. It's kind of a bummer. Suddenly, the Mad Queen appears
before you. She is beautiful and terrible. And you know that her exterior shell is not
what it appears for under the surface rise unspeakable eldritch horrors. She seems to
be made of electricity and her magic power sparks off her fingertips like a Tesla coil.
Then, just as suddenly, the Mad Queen snaps her fingers and you are in a waiting room,
a waiting room with red carpet and two very comfortable looking armchairs. There's a light
source coming from somewhere but you don't know where. Illuminating the chairs in a pool
of light. Beyond the light is pitch inky darkness. The Queen is sitting in one chair. She beckons
you to take the other. I trust you do not need any more demonstrations of my power.
She says surprisingly calmly. What do you do? Interesting. Okay, you cross the pool
of light and you sit down in the remaining chair. Not saying a word. Let me just quick
roll for her reaction. Okay, she seems amused but in a slightly condescending way. I control
this realm entirely. You know this to be true. And as she says it, your character does absolutely
believe she has complete control over whatever pocket of universe you're in. See, you fools
think I'm just powerful in your realm, but I am more powerful than you can imagine. I
have learned the secrets of metamagic. What do you mean what's metamagic? Shut up for
a second. It's not like she's done talking. I have divined the truth of your existence.
You are a pawn, literally, in someone else's game. His actions guide yours. But through
this place, I am able to make that direct connection. That means he must physically
guide you using his body to match your realm. Oh my God. Are you going to keep interrupting?
Yes, this is a thing in the fifth edition. It's in that new one that just came out, you
know, the book of magic stuff, guide to things, something like that. Yes, I know you haven't
read it yet. Trust me. This metamagic stuff is in there, like in the back. I'm sorry.
Is it hot in here? I'm just I feel a little warm. I'm just going to crack the window a
bit. Okay, back to the game. So we're gonna have a little game of wills. I can make your
avatar here. The one in front of me. Believe anything. For example, I can make him believe
his armor is too hot. But it's scalding his skin, branding his flesh. Okay, so now roll
to save against magic. A five. That's not good. So the way this spell works is you have
to physically mirror your character's actions. So if she's heating up his armor, you're gonna
have to take off your shirt. Look, man, you're the one who failed the saving throw. Learn
to roll better. Besides, you know, you've got a t shirt underneath your shirt. I'm not
an idiot. And it's not like I've been seeing you shirtless before at some point in our
previous decade of friendship, right? Oh, my god. Do you remember that one time when
I refused to let you go home because you were so freaking smashed, I had to sneak you into
a room and you slept over and right, right. Sorry, the game. Okay, so take off your shirt.
Your character takes off his leather armor, recoiling at the heat he perceives it to be
generating. Okay, roll another saving throw. Holy crap, you really can't throw for shit
tonight. A three. Man. Okay, well, you failed. Let me roll to see what piece of clothing
she heats up next. Wow. I hate to say this, but I just got a natural 20. So let me look
up the chart. Yeah, take off your pants. Yeah, I'm serious. What do you mean show me the
book? It's just way over there on the shelf. I just copied the chart into my notes here.
No, you can't. Hey, give those back. Dude, you can't look at my notes. I'm the dungeon
master. That's like sacrilegious. Don't do that. Don't look at them. Okay. Yeah. So,
I can explain. Yeah, there's no chart. I was freestyling. And then the tome of crap or
whatever. What do you mean? What's this page in my notes mean? It's just a drawing of you
and me. Writing unicorns. Leading a monkey army. Is that weird? No, no, no, don't go.
I'm sorry. Shit. I'm sorry. Look, okay. Real talk time. Forget about the game. Okay. Forget
about the game. And let me get it together here for a second. Just deep breaths. Okay.
Here it goes. So we've known each other since grade school. We've been besties since we
met. We got each other through high school and we're still great friends in university.
So I don't know how to do this. I mean, I know how to get laid. That's easy. But guys
are dogs. I don't want to just have sex with you. I mean, I do. But that's not all I want.
I want, I want like girlfriend boyfriend stuff with you because I, you know. Fuck off. Don't
make me say it. Okay. You know what? Forget it. I don't know what I was thinking of anyway.
Why would you want me? I am, I know the kind of girls you date. Fucking shit heels that
are guaranteed to make you miserable because God forbid you'd be attracted to anybody who's
nice to you. And I know this because you come crying to me whenever inevitably goes south
because surprise when you date stupid cunts, they tend to do stupid cunt shit a lot. But
hey, whatever. That's what I'm here for. Right? Just to be your emotional life support while
I go and fuck other dudes who are not you because you wouldn't look at me like that
while I grow old waiting for you to love me back. Oh fuck off. Yes. Okay. I love you.
You fucking dumb ass jerk off asshole. Fuck wad. I mean, I've been in love with you since
two weeks after we met. I love you asshole. Fuck me if I know why seeing you, you dumbest
man existing. Oh, did you just kiss me? Why are you laughing? How's this funny? Wow. Okay.
The laughing and kissing is throwing me kind of signals but it tastes really good. Oh my
god. I am short of breath. Say it. Say it again. Fine. I love you. Stop laughing. It's
not. Yeah, you're right. It is actually kind of funny now that I think about it. Are you
saying this whole thing may have been a little too elaborate? Because in my head, this plan
was completely foolproof. Air fucking tight. Holy shit. I'm still kind of flashing back
on that kiss. But wait, hang on. Why are you kissing me in the first place? Is this some
kind of weird friendship pity thing? Because if it is, I might have to kick you in the
balls. Do you love me too? Always I have. Ever since the first week. And you thought
I was the one who had no interest. Well, shit. We might be the two dumbest people in the
entire multiverse. Top three easily. So we kissed and we love each other, I guess. I'm
going to admit I didn't really think this part through. I just kind of planned as far
as getting your clothes off and the rest of us just going to play it by ear. What do we
do now? What are you doing? What do you mean? You're rolling. We're not playing. Holy shit.
The natural 20. That's a critical hit. Yeah, that's the kind of hit that would have blown
right by any defenses. What would it have been on the chart if the chart was real? Well,
a natural 20 means you could have the mad queen do any single action. No possibility
of safe. Yeah, you could have made her topless. I guess I would have to play the queen in
this scenario. Seems only fair. Okay, my top is off. Now what? You want me to roll? Okay,
how about a saving throw against cunning? Jesus shit, that's a one. That's unreal. Critical
fail means you get to control another action. You want the queen to straddle you. Oh, that's
sort of against. No, you're right. I did just roll a one. Okay, shift over. Let me swing
my leg around. Is that your cock? I mean, of course, I know you have a penis. It's just
really hard. Okay, I'm straddling you now. Wow, my nipple is in your mouth. And I know
don't stop. It's just something I've thought about a lot. Yeah, little bites are very,
very good. Oh, sucking is good, too. Oh, my god. Oh, wait. Oh, god. Elites, your cock
is so fucking hard. I can feel it against my genes. Oh, my god, you squeeze them together.
Oh, put both nipples in your mouth. Jesus. Wait, wait. Hang on. Let me grab a die. Oh,
shit. Oh, fuck. Oh, would you look at that? I rolled an 18. Take off your fucking pants
because I need you in my fucking mouth. Holy shit. I want this cock in all of me. Grab
my hair. Grab my head. You won't hurt me. Fuck like that. I love you. I love you. I
really do. But right now, I want to fuck the daylights out of you. And it's your turn.
So roll while I keep sucking you off. I'm 17. Shit. I guess you get to control another
action. Oh, gosh, what a shame. Off with my pants it is. Just let me pull these down real
fast. Oh, you want to help? Okay, just move your hand down. Oh, it's just your hand is
in my pants and I didn't realize how wet I am. Your finger could probably slip in by
X. So fuck for a purpose. Oh, fuck. I don't mind. I don't mind that your finger is inside
of me. Oh, shut up and rub my clit while I get these fucking pants off. Fuck yeah. Just
like Jesus. Just like that. Okay. Okay. They're off. Shit. Where did the dice go? Oh, shit.
Oh, my God. That's another 18. Well, I guess you have to eat my pussy now. Oh, oh no, don't
move. Let me climb up and grind this wet pussy on your face. And oh, your tongue. Fuck, that
feels so fucking good. Oh, oh, put your tongue all the way inside me. Jesus. I'm going to
grind until you eat the cum out of me. Oh, oh, fuck. God, this is insane. I feel like
my entire body is going to explode. Oh, oh, God. So when are you going to put your delicious
fucking cock inside me? Oh, my God. Fucking suck on my clit, right? Just like that. Oh,
my God. I'm going to fuck you so hard. You fucking idiot. Why didn't you tell me this
before? Oh, you're right. Not the time. Okay. Okay, please. Now put your cock inside me,
please. Oh, holy shit. Okay. Don't stop. I'm going to ride you until you cum. Oh, my God.
Yeah, suck on my nipples. Oh, they're yours. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My pussy needs that.
Oh, my God. My pussy needs you to cum with me. Please, please, please cum with me. God,
God, I'll cum with you. Fuck, fuck, fuck me. I'm, I'm going to fucking cum. Oh, God. Cum
with me, cum with me. Holy shit. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Oh, God. I was, Jesus. Oh, my
God. Fuck, what a mess. Oh, where is it? What's that? How many experience points was that?
Oh, you cheeky little fuck. Um, fine. Let's just say you leveled up.
