Hello. So I'm going to attempt to make a German plum cake. I've never made it before, but
I have a recipe that is both vegan and the option for gluten-free, because apparently
normally this has about three or so eggs in it. But I'm going to give that a shot. And
the reason I say attempt is because I've already fucked up. But we'll get to that. Before I
get any deeper into this, I'm going to try slicing the plums. I've never actually successfully
separated a stone fruit from its pit without completely mangling it. So we'll see what
this will do. I just sliced the plum down the center, and now I'm exceedingly gently
twisting it. And I'm getting to the point where I feel like it should come off, but
it's not. I don't want to squeeze it too hard, because then I will completely crush it. Okay,
we're going to go back with the knife and then try cutting around it again, even deeper.
Oh, I heard a crack. That can't be good. Oh no. Okay, come on bad boy. Just just let go.
Please. Oh, oh, come on. I have plums. I have plums. I have three plums. Oh, I got it. Okay.
I've got one half without the pit. Okay, yeah. One success. All right. I'm going to move
on to the next plum and see if I can get another half without a pit. I cut right through it.
So that's one way to do it apparently. Now I'm just going to try and dig that fucking
pit out. I thought I was cutting in the middle. I think this, yeah, this, this pit of a plum
is a little lopsided. And I am doing that thing where you hold the fruit in your hand
and then you go at it with a knife. The thing where people go to the hospital for avocado
hand. So I don't recommend this technique because many people go to the hospital because
they've sliced their hand open. Okay. So I put the knife down. I think I loosened the
pit. I didn't loosen the pit. Okay. I'm going back with the knife. Shaving around the pit.
Back with the knife going under it. I think I think I'm going to get it this time. I believe
in myself. I believe in everyone. I'm a Mr. Pit. Ha ha. Ha. No, not quite. Got it. Okay.
That's three halves without pits. I'm going to go back to the first one and see if I can
get that fucker out. It's my dangerous knife method. So this kind of reminds me of a series
of GIFs I saw of fruit being toyed with as if it was vaginas. You guys don't know what
I'm talking about. You should try and Google that and see what you come up with. There's
somebody on like some platform decided to just finger a bunch of fruit. Basically they
just like aggressively sexual, but they take a bunch of different kinds of fruit. They
slice them in half and they kind of cut it up to look like different vaginas and then
they play with it. All right. I have three months to pit from the other one. Okay. This
is our last one. We're going straight down the middle, cutting very deep and then cutting
all around. Try and loosen this bad boy up. I think I need to go again with my nice.
There we go. I have another one separated and finally now just one last pit. Once I get
this through, I can talk about how I've already fucked up the recipe. So I was just at the
store cause I needed to buy a lemon for this recipe and then I need to buy some other shit.
Um, but I thought I had almonds or I thought I at least had almond flour. Um, because this
recipe calls for a bit of almonds ground up finally. It's a sort of flour. Turns out I
have the world's smallest amount of almond flour. So I'm going to, instead of going back
to the store where it was just at or saving this for another day, I am going to try and
substitute most of the almond flours for both polenta. So grits, like really coarse cornmeal
and finally ground cornmeal. Cause I believe the reason that the almonds are in, got that
poem. I believe the reason the almond flour is in the recipe is for just like a bit of
texture that isn't flour or a bit of wetting, a bit of dry ingredients that aren't flour.
So I'm going to give that a shot and we'll see how it goes. It may taste a little corny,
but that is what it is. All right. I'm just going to wash the polenta off my hands. Start
with mixing the wet ingredients together. Yeah. Yep. I'm just going to mix all the wet
ingredients together. So the wet ingredients, the lemon that I squeezed, mild coconut oil
or mild tasting other oil, uh, coconut milk and almond and sugar. Okay. Okay. So I'm just
going to pop my lemon juice in the bowl right away so that I have it measured so I can measure
my coconut oil, which thankfully is already melted because it is hot enough for that right
now. I want the benefit of the summer cooking in the summer. All right. Half a cup of coconut
oil. Um, so that's half a cup of lemon juice, half a cup of coconut oil, and then is a full
cup of full fat coconut milk. So stores will try and sell you this, um, light coconut milk
bullshit. And what that really means is less coconut milk, more water. And while yes, it's
definitely true. It's less fat. Um, I don't think it's a good idea. I think if you want
light coconut milk, you should buy a can of coconut milk or half of it into a container
and top it off with water. And there you go. There we go. I'm very passionate about cooking
with fat. As a vegan, you never want to skimp on adding fat to your recipes when you're
cooking or when you're baking. We don't have dairy. We don't have eggs. We don't have meat.
Obviously those are the things we don't have. So those are like really heavy fat items.
They have a lot of fat and then a lot of, a lot of good tasting shit. So we need to
be sure to add fat to our recipes. Otherwise it's not going to taste good. Fat's what
makes things taste good. All right. And then half cup of sugar, and two teaspoons of almond
extract. These little fricking bottles are always just my nightmare. You can never get
them open. Can't get a good grip on them. There we go. I feel like there should be salt
in here too. I don't know if they put salt in the dry ingredients. I'm going to have
to look into that right now. Let's see. No, there's no salt. That's really weird. It's
really weird. I'm just going to add a little bit. Just a quarter spoon. If the recipe fails,
let's blend the salt and not me, okay? All right. So I'm just mixing up all those. I'm
going to actually use the same ones then for my dry ingredients, which are flour, almonds,
and something else. Oh yeah. The baking powder and baking soda. Okay. So it's two cups flour,
third cup almonds. I'm going to start with the two cups flour because that's going to
be very easy because it's just two cups flour and I have all that. Here's one. Okay. Two
cups flour. Someone has burnt something onto the bottom of my oven and it might've been
me the last time I turned it on or it might've been my partner. I don't know, man. I think
probably it's safe. I have the blame for this one. So if the fire alarm goes off, I'm sorry.
Okay. Teaspoon of baking soda, half a teaspoon of baking powder. Soda and powder. So now
before we get to the almond shit, I'm just going to mix that real quick. Just with the
whisk. Alrighty. Okay. Now the really fluffy part. So I'm going to see how much almond
flour I actually have. Okay. It's just under a quarter cup. So I'm going to top that guy,
quarter cup off with a little blender. There we go. And then I'm going to do a full one
quarter with cornmeal, finely ground cornmeal. And a half quarter with finely ground cornmeal
and then yeah, half. And then top that off with polenta again for texture. Because the
almonds I have, the almond flour I have isn't too, too much texture, but it's a bit. Okay.
Our oven is fully preheated and we're almost done. So I'm going to whisk this flour stuff
together. Yeah, I got everything. Okay. Whisk the flour together. And then that's all whisked
and combined and good and sifted and whatever. I'm going to fold in the wet ingredients.
I'm just going to give them a stir real quick before I do that, just to make sure nothing
settled on the bottom. All right. Stir that in. So I'm hoping to have this for dessert
tonight. We'll see how it goes. It might be more like instead of German, German, it must
be like the almonds, the almond flavoring that makes it German. It's going to be something
else. That's okay. So I'm just stirring around the sides and then going under to make sure
I get all the dry pockets saturated and the texture is looking pretty good. It's looking
actually a lot like cornbread, which I mean, makes sense. It's got a lot of cornmeal in
it, but it smells like almonds and it smells like coconuts. So we're going with it. All
right. Got my date bite. I don't think I have any parchment paper. No. So what I would do
right now with parchment paper, if I had it is I would cut to about inch. So about the
position between your two knuckles on your finger, two inch strips, two one inch strips
and then put them in like a plus thing so that you can have something really easy to
rip and take the cake out, but I don't have that. So it's just gonna get stuck, baby.
Whatever. So I'm just going to spray it down. Nola oil spray, make sure the floor gets really
dry so I can fall and eat it later. And then I'm going to pour the batter in. I'm so hungry
right now. I don't cook with a lot of extract enough. I really love it. It smells so good.
I just don't cook with it enough. Okay. So this is a super nice and thick batter. I have
high doubts that my plums are going to sink down at all into it. And the author suggests
flowering the butt section that you put of the plums into the cake. But we're just going
to do that because that's what she suggests. So alright. She probably knows better than
me. She's made this nine times and I've made it not once because I fucked everything up.
So I'm just flowering the butts and sticking the plums in. So I'm taking my hand, sticking
the flower, patting it on the little round side of the plum and then just sticking that
bad boy in there. Alright. And so I've got one row of three. And then I'm going to do
another one row of three. So flowering that butt. Stick it in. Oh, it's cute. Oh gosh,
this little guy is so cute. Basically threw him at the cake. There we go. And one more.
Stick it in. Alright. Plums are all pretty in a row. Two rows. We'll see what happens.
Alright, into the oven he goes. Bye. Good luck. We'll just all assume that goes really
well. Okay, bye.
