Knock knock! Can I come in? Hey neighbor! Oh, well, I'm in, so is that alright? I mean,
I could go out and knock again and wait for you to answer. Seems kind of silly though,
so okay good. Oh gosh, I'm glad you invited me to come over. Yeah! Yeah, you invited me!
No, you remember, while I was here playing your Xbox last week, I told you I could come
over today and help you tidy up your house, and you said that would be great. Remember?
Maybe sometime. No, no, you said yes! We agreed! 4 p.m. on Saturday. Well, that's not how I remember
it. Anyways, I'm here now. What? What do you mean you're busy? What are you doing? Would you just
relax? It's me! Look, I brought you homemade cookies I made this afternoon. Well, I just,
I just want to thank you for, like, I don't know, being so nice to me. Here, have one. Come on,
you're gonna hurt my feelings. They're really good. Yay! Anyway, my parents keep bugging me
about college. Can you believe that? I just want to, I just want to take a couple of years off
already. I mean, I know I'm not working, but that's the point. They've got money. Besides,
look at me. I'm tiny. It's not like I'm eating them out of house and home, you know? I just,
I just wanted to thank you for being so great to me, letting me come over and play video games
and get away from my parents. What? What is it? What about your girlfriend? Okay, I don't,
I don't really... No, I know, but... Well, here's my problem, all right? You've been seeing her for,
like, what? A couple of weeks. We've been friends for, like, six months, okay? And now you've gotten
all nervous about me coming over. Like, all of a sudden, it's not okay I'm here because you have
a girlfriend? Come on. Besides, you told me you were a little self-conscious because your home
is kind of like a mess and you wanted to make a better impression for your girlfriend, right?
Well, that's why I'm here. We're friends, geez. And this room alone, I can tell you need someone
with a strong vision to help you. It's like Bachelor City in here. I can tell we've got a
lot of work to do, okay? Look at this clutter! No, look, it's okay. It's all right. Just sit
down, have another cookie, and we'll talk about it. So, cookie's good, right? Good, enjoy. Okay,
so I am an expert in the KonMari method. I can help you tidy up for your girlfriend.
What? KonMari, gosh, what is wrong with you? You haven't heard of it? Well, it's okay. That's
okay. It's okay. I am an expert, so I can help you. What? What? I am calm. You want me to leave?
Yeah? But why? I just got here. I don't think that's a good idea. You need me. You need me.
Are you feeling okay? You just look a little, you just look a little out of it.
Maybe you should sit down. Yeah, well, I think, I think it's because of the drugs I put in the cookies.
Yeah, sorry about that, but I needed to get through to you, okay? I can't,
I can't let you throw your life away like this. Oh, don't worry. It's just just a little bit of
sedative, all right? Well, actually, kind of. It's a new drug that my dad's company has been
developing. It like keeps your mind sharp while sort of relaxing your active muscle responses and
leaving your automatic systems normal. So it's still like way too powerful right now. So it's
not really ready, but it's perfect for this. No, really, you need to sit down, okay? You're
going to fall down if you don't. There we go. Watch out, sweetie. Okay. On the couch. There.
There you go. That's better, right? Just don't try to move, okay? So just stay there and let's have,
let's have some total truth between us right now, okay? I know you like me. Like, I know you're
scared of me. That's okay. I forgive you because I know what it is, okay? You've got this new
girlfriend and you realize you've made a huge mistake. You want me, right? And the problem is,
and the problem is you don't know how to get rid of her because you're so sweet and you don't want
to hurt anyone, but that's okay too because I can help you. All we have to do is employ the
KonMari method to this situation, okay? No, no, sweetie. Don't try and move. You're just going to
exhaust yourself and you won't be able to get up anyway. Don't worry. The purely automatic muscles
will still work. You can still breathe. Your heart is fine. You can even still get heart,
but we'll get to that in one minute, okay? Just one step at a time. Here. I'm going to grab this
picture of your girlfriend from the end table and I want you to look at it. Go on. Look at her.
Now ask yourself, sweetie, is it, does she spark joy?
Does she spark joy in your heart? You know what I mean? When you look at her
and I know you can't talk, but you don't need to, okay? I know you.
I can read you like a book, mister, and the answer is no, she doesn't. Your eyes are telling me.
No, no, no, don't move, baby. It's okay. I know. I know the drug is really powerful and you probably
feel like a limp rag doll. I can see your fingers twitching. I can only imagine how hard your
struggling, but that is not important right now. What is important is what we do about this extra
clutter in your life, this extra girlfriend that you don't need. I mean, you already have a
girlfriend. You have me. I'm prettier than she is, right? I'm smarter and I'm way more fun.
I know I'm like 10 years younger than you, but that has nothing to do with it,
sweetheart. Love is ageless, right? The point is you don't need her, so
maybe it's time to get rid of her, right? Now, I know this can be really hard and
maybe you're not sure yet, but that's okay. I can help you. You'll see. Okay, so I'm just going to
take off my panties. I know. I know this seems weird, but don't worry. This is all part of the
Konamari method. I am an expert, remember? Let me take them off. Okay, here. So look at your
girlfriend and remember how I asked if she sparked joy? That's really the only question that's
important, and I can't help but notice that when you look at your girlfriend's picture, you don't
really get excited like your cock is just sitting there limp in your pants. I mean, I can check with
my hand. It's not hard, right? See? I mean, it's barely awake. Okay, but what about this? I'm going
to stand up on the couch. There we go. And put my feet on either side of you and get close like this
so you can see under my skirt. Can you see my pussy? Can you smell it? It's really wet.
You know why? It's because you sparked joy in my heart.
And now let's check your cock. Okay. See? It's getting hard. I knew it. I sparked joy for you.
You want me. You want me and you want to keep me, right? You don't have to say anything, sweetheart.
I know the truth. And that's all there is to it. Really, your girlfriend doesn't spark joy, and I
do. So what do we do about that? Well, first, we need to make sure you don't want to make a mistake,
right? So I think we should pull your pants down, baby. So we can really be certain of your decision.
Be certain of your decision. Here, I'll do it for you. Okay. There. Isn't that better? I like your cock.
Okay. Now, obviously, looking at your girlfriend doesn't do anything for you, but what about me?
What about my hand? I'm just going to touch you to see. Okay. Let's see if this sparks joy.
Look at that. Your cock practically jumped to meet my fingers. It's so sweet. See? See? I told you.
Here. Here. Just let me stroke it a little and get it a little harder, and then we'll try it in my mouth.
Okay. We'll see if that sparks joy, too. Okay. Come on, baby. Here.
Here. You taste good, baby.
Sweet. See? You don't need her. You look mean. You like the taste of your pre-cum, sweetie?
Okay. This is all for your own good, okay? You don't want to be a hoarder, do you?
Okay.
No. All you need is me.
I bet your other girlfriend doesn't do this, does she?
Oh, wow, baby. You spark so much joy in my heart.
Oh, there you go. You don't need her.
Oh, there you go, you don't need her.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
See what I mean honey?
Now I think it's your turn.
I mean, I know you can't move your lips,
but I think it's important that you taste me,
smell me, mmm.
That you feel my juices on your face
so you can really feel how much joy
I inspire in your heart, okay?
Okay, come on, baby.
I'll straddle your face again and lift up my skirt
and I'll just stick my pussy right here.
Okay, and use your lips, rub my clit.
There you go, baby, oh, oh, oh, oh, right there.
That's perfect, sweetheart, that's perfect.
Breathe me in, oh, see how much better I am
than your other girlfriend?
Oh, okay, okay, let me, let me grab your hair
and help you push you into my cunt.
Oh, oh God, oh God, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't need her, you don't need her.
You should throw that bitch away, you just need me, baby.
Only me, only me, oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, oh, wait,
oh, wait, wait, wait, oh, oh, hold on, hold on.
I almost got carried away there.
See how much joy you inspire, sweetheart?
Okay, come on, it's time for us to fuck.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Oh, it's the only way to know for sure, baby.
I'll just get on top of you like this.
Don't worry, sweetie, we'll know soon, okay, okay.
And oh, oh, oh God, oh, fuck, sweetheart, fuck, fuck, yeah.
Oh, you perfect dog, for your perfect girl.
Fuck me, baby, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.
Oh God, yes, oh yes, you don't need her.
You don't need her, we should get rid of her.
And it's just you and me, it can just be you and me, baby.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, darling, I need you.
I want you to breed me, I want you to get me pregnant.
Oh, that way, that way we can be together, forever.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck.
Oh, my parents won't like it, but they'll insist,
they'll insist that we get married.
Oh, oh, fuck, give me a kiss, give me a kiss, baby.
I want to, I want to taste myself, a new tongue.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you're close, aren't you?
Come on, come on, baby, come inside of me, please, please, please.
Please, I want you to breed me, sweetheart.
I want to, I want to have your baby, so let's come together, okay?
Okay, okay, okay, okay, I feel you, I feel you coming, yes, yes.
Oh, fuck, God, oh, fuck, oh, baby.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, my sweetheart, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, that's so sweet, darling.
I told you, I told you I would spark joy.
Oh, oh, oh, darling, that was, oh, that was perfect,
but we're not done yet, okay?
You still have some work to do.
Here, look at your old girlfriend, right?
Right here, honey, baby.
Look at her, right?
Now, what you need to do is thank her.
Thank her for everything she's done for you, and then you need to get rid of her, okay?
I know, I know you can't talk, so I'll just press the picture to your lips, okay?
Give her a kiss and thank her, thank her for everything she's done for you.
Whatever that was.
Good boy, good.
Now, I don't want you to worry about a thing.
I'll take care of the rest.
I'll get rid of her for you, and you just stay right here.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
All right, I'll go take care of her right now, and then we can be together.
Oh, baby, baby, don't you feel better now, honey, getting rid of all that clutter.
Getting rid of what you don't need.
I told you, I'm an expert, okay?
Okay, baby, I'll be back later.
I can't believe we're engaged.
I'll take care of everything, and I'll be back soon, okay?
Bye, bye, bye, bye, baby.
