Hey! Good morning. Actually, it's already noon, but whatever. I know that it's so weird
that I'm leaving you a voicemail right now, but if I call you right now to meet up and
to explain and say what I want to say, I feel like I'll just melt into you once again.
I'll just take one look at you and decide differently, and I'll look into those beautiful
eyes, and that charming smile, and I will be lost all over again. I'll hear you laugh,
and suddenly, I'll want to stay there with you. I'll eat up my own words and take everything
back. I won't want to leave, so instead of all that, I'll just give you this stupid voicemail
to listen to, and that way, I won't have to look at you in the eye. That way, I won't
have to hear your voice, and I'll be able to say what I want to say. There's no easy
way to say this, and I can't ease this to you as gentle as I would like, so I'll just
say I'm sure you noticed how distant I've gotten, and how sparingly I've replied back
to your texts, and if I do reply, I don't really do, so with the same enthusiasm I had
before whenever you asked to hang out or chill at the coffee shop, maybe I'll have a few
drinks here and there, but I would always say I'm busy with all your questions. I'd
lie through my teeth, I'll make up some kind of excuse to explain why I've been so busy,
but even when I'm not... fuck, why is this so difficult to... I don't want to do this.
It hurts me to do this, but I know I have to. I have to do this. Trust me, I don't want
to... I didn't want it to come to this. I wanted to keep talking to you. I wanted to
spend more time with you to learn more about you. Fuck, you have this warmth to you that
makes it so easy for me to talk to you. You make it so easy. You make it so effortless.
It made me want to stay with you no matter what. That feeling that I have with you, I
never wanted to be separated from it, but if I keep doing that and I ignore the feeling
that I keep holding back, it's just gonna hurt me more. You're probably so lost right
now, aren't you? You have no idea what I'm talking about. I won't hold it against you.
All these things came out of the blue just like you did. Very much like how you came
into my life. Oh God. Here's the truth. I have feelings for you. I know that sounds
so stupid right now. I always went on and on and on and on and on. I know how feelings
are gross and disgusting and here I am. Here I am confessing to you over a stupid voicemail.
But I know I also said having feelings is okay. I shouldn't be ashamed of it. It's natural.
It's how the world works. And so here I am hoping you'd somehow listen. No, I need you
to listen. I need you to listen. Seriously, there's no reason for me to be so nervous
right now. But I think I feel this way. This nervousness inside me. I feel this because
I know you don't feel the same. I know that you don't feel the same. Out of all people,
I should know that. For fuck's sake, I became your therapist. Don't get me wrong. Don't
get me wrong. I want to rant with you. I want you to vent to me as much as you want. It
gave me some reassurance that you had trusted me enough to open up about your deepest fears
and your thoughts, but then you mentioned her and you never stopped. And I should have
seen it coming. Honestly, I should have known. I should have known you weren't completely
over her for some reason. I kept hoping you are, but maybe it was to ease my mind to somehow
tell myself that maybe just maybe just maybe I had a chance for you, but unfortunately
that's not the case. I do anything just for things to go back to the way it was. You remember
that, right? You remember that? When we shamelessly flirted back and forth with each other, when
we messaged each other without worrying, and the next would come when we would spend time
with each other's company without frantically coming up with conversation topics. We didn't
have to worry about feelings getting involved because there was nothing between us. We were
just friends. We're just friends. Friends don't have feelings for each other, not feelings
in that way anyways, but I blame myself, you know, because I'm the dumbass who fell for
you when we were just playing around. Me, I'm the dumbass. Why did my feelings have
to get in the way? It's so stupid. Every day, every fucking day, I wake up and I wonder
why of all people, why, why did it have to be you? Why did I have to have feelings for
someone who clearly is not ready for somebody new? And it sucks. It sucks pretending that
I'm all right whenever you mention her fucking name. It sucks pretending that it doesn't
hurt me when all you think about is her. It hurts. It hurts when you say how much happier
you were then and how you're struggling to be happy. It hurts. It hurts to see that while
I'm here loving you, you're still loving her, but it doesn't feel right complaining. Like,
I don't have the right to feel this way. I should let you feel how you want to feel.
I shouldn't be invalidating your feelings, but then you'd call me and you'd text me and
you asked to hang out so suddenly and I forget all that pain. You would ask how my day went
and crack up some dry joke and I would fucking fall for you. I'd fall for you all over again.
The image of that sad broken person who had come to me crying because of those bittersweet
memories is erased and suddenly you're that cheerful and happy person I first met. Again,
you're smiling you're telling me about your day and I want to do the same. I'd love to
tell you that my day went well, that I'm all right, that I don't feel sad at all, but I
am a bad liar. You know this. I am a bad liar and you would see right through me. You have
no idea how many times I wanted to break my silence and tell you everything. I want to
tell you multiple times what I feel and I want to tell you that I'm not all right, that
I do feel sad. But if I do say that, I would have to tell you why and that wouldn't be
fair on you because the reason I feel sad most days is because of you. I'm sad because
of you, but I can't tell you that, can I? It would only make you feel sad and I don't
want that. You didn't do anything wrong. I was just naive. I imagined myself as your
savior, the one who would save you from all your misery and sadness, the one who would
take all that pain and those bittersweet memories, the one who would eventually help you get
over her, but the world doesn't work like that. No, you are still hung up on her and
no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you're not you still are and I hate it.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate that I want you. I hate that the first thing in
the morning I do is check my phone that you messaged me. I hate that I look into my phone
various times of the day to see if you messaged me and if you even thought about me and how
disappointed I feel when those things don't happen. I hate that my happiness depends on
you. I hate when I feel frustrated from a simple message. A simple message from you
would make my day and whenever I hear your voice, suddenly I feel like I can conquer
the world. I hate that 3 a.m. comes along and all that I think about is you and all
you think about is her. I hate the fact that I cried for you. I cried because of you. I'm
not going to do that to myself, not anymore. So right now I choose to go away. Right now
I choose myself. I'm going to cut off. I'm going to cut off all my connections with you
because I know that if I stay, my feelings would just get stronger. I won't be able to
move on. So I'm going to cut you off. I'm stopping them now. I don't want to go away.
I really don't, but I have to. Don't worry. This isn't the end. At least that's what I'm
hoping for anyway. Maybe one day we'll meet again. I'm not so jealous. I'm not so broken
and you're not so broken. Maybe one day we'll be right for each other. It won't be so hard
for you to love me. I really hope that one day we'll reconnect because no one has ever
got my heart in quite the same way. Maybe one day we'll find each other again and everything
will just fall into place. But that day isn't today. No, today you're too broken and I'm
too jealous and today we don't quite work out as much as I care for you. As much as
I care for you, I can't keep pretending that we do, that we will work out. Fuck, I built
up such a fantasy of you in my eye, in my head, and even when I know that reality has
a different path for us, I still, I tried to think positive. You know, maybe everything
will turn out okay. Maybe if by some miracle you'd finally look at me the same way I did
with you. But I can't keep pretending that everything is all right. I can't. I really
can't do that. I'd love to be there for you whenever you're having those thoughts. I'd
love to be there with you and hear your frustration and rants. I'd love to comfort you and offer
you a shoulder to lean on. I'll sit there with you and reassure you and say a few words
and hopefully that would make the pain go away. I want you to be okay again. I want
you to feel better again. I really, I really want you, I want you to feel ready to let
someone else be a part of your life without worrying about those that left you behind.
I'd wish that it was me hurting and said, only to realize that I am hurting, I am hurting.
Because while you're there wanting her, I want to do, I want you, I want you, I want
you, but I can't. How can I be so selfish and insert myself into your life when you're
hurting like this? How can I tell you how to feel when you're feeling this way for somebody
else? It's too selfish. It's too selfish of me to do that. I can't do that for you.
I can't force you to move on that fast ever. Instead, I just sit there with you and I keep
you company while you lay out everything to me and it hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Every
time you recall a time when you were truly happy, it hurts every time you were, you were
telling me you're not happy right now. And it made me wonder if you were even happy all
those times we spent together. Was it a lie? Was it a lie? Were you smiling and laughing
just for the sake of it? It makes me wonder if you genuinely enjoy my company too. I wonder
if you even wanted my company if you only spent time with me because I was available
at the time. You have no idea how many times I wish that I would just stop thinking about
you. And maybe, maybe it's my fault for getting attached so quickly, but I thought about it.
You know, I asked myself, should I just wait? Maybe, just maybe if I wait long enough, then
you'll learn to eventually forget about her. Maybe if I stay longer, then you'll see me.
Maybe you'll realize that I'm here, that I've always been here by your side. I was, I was
ready to risk it all. I figured that that waiting would be worth it, especially if the
person I'm waiting for is you, but then hours turn to days, days turn to weeks, weeks to
months, and I got tired. I got tired. I am tired. I am so tired. And it was the same
old thing every time. And we're stuck in the same routine. And I asked myself, when I asked
myself why you're sad, it's always because of her. I became the person you rely on when
it's 3 a.m. and you're heartbroken. And obviously, there's nothing wrong with that. As I said,
I'd love to be the person you rely on, but I'm not going to let myself wait for you for
years. I, I refuse to be that person. I refuse to associate my happiness with someone else.
It's such a cruel fate we have, don't you think? You're heartbroken, and I'm the one who fell in
love with the person who's heartbroken. I can't take it anymore. I can't keep pretending that I
don't feel hurt when you mention her. So I have my limits. So I'll stare at you from a distance
because I know I can't have you. And I hope, I hope that one day when I look into your eyes,
I see love. And not love for someone else, but love for me. I hope that one day you smile,
and it's because of me, that you go about your day and suddenly you flash that charming smile,
and it's because you thought of me. But those things are so far-fetched right now. They all
seem like dreams, things that don't happen. Those things don't happen when my eyes are open. Those
are just dreams. No. I'm so sick of always being the backup plan, the second choice, the one you
run to when there's no one else to run off to. I'm sick of always being the one to take care of
others. I'm not doing this to be mean. Please. Please don't ever think that way. I just...
I just this time, just this time, I want to take care of myself too.
I spent all this time taking care of others that I forgot to take care of myself. I have pushed my
self-worth. I've pushed it so far down as it could go because I believed a miracle would happen
between the two of us, and I refuse. I refuse to push it down any further.
I'm gonna miss you. I'm really, really gonna miss you. I'll miss your stories and how you would go
into detail so I could just understand, even if that meant repeating it over and over again. I'll
miss your smile, the way your shoulder would just casually bump into mine when we're walking
side by side. I'll miss the way your eyes would light up when you talk about the things you love.
I'll miss your laugh and those dumb stupid jokes and your humor, how fucking dry you are.
And yet, despite how stupid they are, and how stupid you are, I still love them.
I still love you. I said it. I fucking said it. Fuck. I promised myself that I would never say
those words again, let alone right now, but I won't take it back as much as I would love to say that
I don't love you. I do love you. I love you so much. I love you so much that it's frustrating
because I know you don't. I know you don't. I spend late nights thinking about you. And every night
when I eventually fall asleep, I dream about you. My dreams were infiltrated by the thought of you.
I would wish that they never end, but I do think it's time to finally wake up, you know,
I need to accept that I don't have a chance with you. I don't want to lose you. But if losing you
means saving myself from all the pain I'm about to experience, then I'd rather lose you than myself.
So this time I'm saying goodbye. This time I'm letting you go.
It's so silly to say that because I don't think I ever had you.
I treasure those moments we had together.
I will carry them in my heart until I am strong enough to let those memories go, too.
But I think it's time.
I'm saying goodbye, but maybe one day I will have to.
