1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:09,800 Hey, hello. Come in. I'm really glad you could come over. Sorry about the short notice, but 2 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:16,000 we will get into that later. First, come in. Look at me blocking the doorway like an idiot. 3 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:23,360 Just don't get going over there. You got your character sheets with you? Excellent. Okay. 4 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:27,600 So I know I told you we would do this in the living room and the email, but I guess it's 5 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:33,680 the Bachelorette final season or some shit. Who knows? Anyway, roommates are all a flutter 6 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:39,400 about it and the kitchen is a war zone. So the only thing left is my bedroom. I know. 7 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:44,920 Although weird. Don't worry. It's not like it's covered in ponies and unicorns and monkeys 8 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:52,280 and monkeys riding unicorns. Not 12 anymore. Stop laughing. I went through a monkey riding 9 00:00:52,280 --> 00:01:00,720 things place. What do you mean? Like what? Like unicorns and I don't know, lions. These 10 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:06,240 were very important monkeys. They had places to go. Shut up. I'm sure you were a little 11 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:15,240 dork too. What's the boy equivalent of monkeys and unicorns? Uh, like, uh, dinosaurs and tanks? 12 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:23,120 Wait, that does sound pretty good. Fine. You win this round. Okay. Here's my room. See 13 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:28,880 totally normal university girl room. Posters of indie bands with non-threatening voices. 14 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:34,560 Lead singer. Check. Pictures of David Tennant. Clearly the hottest doctor looking sternly 15 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:44,480 at something. Check. Oh that? This is so dumb. I was reading Cosmo. What do you mean? When? 16 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:49,840 Last time I sat at the doctor's office. What do you think stupid? It was either that or 17 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:56,440 golf weekly. So whatever. Anyway, they said to really bring a pop to your room, you should 18 00:01:56,440 --> 00:02:03,480 always add a bit of tapestry. So I framed my vinyl copy of tapestry by Carole King. 19 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:11,200 I know I'm hilarious. None of the ladies I room with here got it though. Okay. I guess 20 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:18,800 we'll have to play either on the floor or the bed. And the floor sucks. Like, sucks. 21 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:26,200 I mean, do you want to get your butt close to the carpet? Who knows how many generations 22 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:33,200 of students have giggled their way through anal in this very room? Yeah, I can really 23 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:39,080 paint a picture with words. Can I? There's a reason I'm the DM, you know? Okay. Hop in 24 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:47,000 the bed. Get your character sheet out. We can roll the dice on this book. Okay. Just 25 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:52,880 let me do a quick recap. Previously on Dungeons and Dragons, our plucky adventures finally 26 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:57,280 made it to the Mad Queen's lair and true to her reputation, she quickly froze party en 27 00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:04,040 masse trapped in unbreakable hold person spells all except you. What happened to you is unclear. 28 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:10,680 One minute you were in the lair. Next, you're here. Whoever here is. So that's a sitch. 29 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:15,680 The stuff that happens to you separated from the party they can't know about. So it's easier 30 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:20,640 if we just have a quick narrative session here to, you know, establish what happens 31 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:29,400 to you when you blinked out of existence at the lair. So what do you do? Inventory check. 32 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:34,600 But you have everything you were carrying with you in the lair. So like your short sword, 33 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:41,440 your crossbow, some provisions, a quiver, and your leather armor. Not much really. You 34 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:48,160 look around, it's not exactly dark. It's more like an absence of any color or light, 35 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:56,860 like maximum gray, ultra blech. It's kind of a bummer. Suddenly, the Mad Queen appears 36 00:03:56,860 --> 00:04:03,520 before you. She is beautiful and terrible. And you know that her exterior shell is not 37 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:10,600 what it appears for under the surface rise unspeakable eldritch horrors. She seems to 38 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:16,680 be made of electricity and her magic power sparks off her fingertips like a Tesla coil. 39 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:23,000 Then, just as suddenly, the Mad Queen snaps her fingers and you are in a waiting room, 40 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:28,720 a waiting room with red carpet and two very comfortable looking armchairs. There's a light 41 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:33,080 source coming from somewhere but you don't know where. Illuminating the chairs in a pool 42 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:41,320 of light. Beyond the light is pitch inky darkness. The Queen is sitting in one chair. She beckons 43 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:50,000 you to take the other. I trust you do not need any more demonstrations of my power. 44 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:58,920 She says surprisingly calmly. What do you do? Interesting. Okay, you cross the pool 45 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:04,600 of light and you sit down in the remaining chair. Not saying a word. Let me just quick 46 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:16,080 roll for her reaction. Okay, she seems amused but in a slightly condescending way. I control 47 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:24,760 this realm entirely. You know this to be true. And as she says it, your character does absolutely 48 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:31,600 believe she has complete control over whatever pocket of universe you're in. See, you fools 49 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:40,280 think I'm just powerful in your realm, but I am more powerful than you can imagine. I 50 00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:47,720 have learned the secrets of metamagic. What do you mean what's metamagic? Shut up for 51 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:56,800 a second. It's not like she's done talking. I have divined the truth of your existence. 52 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:05,120 You are a pawn, literally, in someone else's game. His actions guide yours. But through 53 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:13,800 this place, I am able to make that direct connection. That means he must physically 54 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:22,880 guide you using his body to match your realm. Oh my God. Are you going to keep interrupting? 55 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:28,000 Yes, this is a thing in the fifth edition. It's in that new one that just came out, you 56 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:33,720 know, the book of magic stuff, guide to things, something like that. Yes, I know you haven't 57 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:41,680 read it yet. Trust me. This metamagic stuff is in there, like in the back. I'm sorry. 58 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:47,920 Is it hot in here? I'm just I feel a little warm. I'm just going to crack the window a 59 00:06:47,920 --> 00:07:00,240 bit. Okay, back to the game. So we're gonna have a little game of wills. I can make your 60 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:09,480 avatar here. The one in front of me. Believe anything. For example, I can make him believe 61 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:19,720 his armor is too hot. But it's scalding his skin, branding his flesh. Okay, so now roll 62 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:31,840 to save against magic. A five. That's not good. So the way this spell works is you have 63 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:39,120 to physically mirror your character's actions. So if she's heating up his armor, you're gonna 64 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:46,600 have to take off your shirt. Look, man, you're the one who failed the saving throw. Learn 65 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:51,000 to roll better. Besides, you know, you've got a t shirt underneath your shirt. I'm not 66 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:54,560 an idiot. And it's not like I've been seeing you shirtless before at some point in our 67 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:59,760 previous decade of friendship, right? Oh, my god. Do you remember that one time when 68 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:03,840 I refused to let you go home because you were so freaking smashed, I had to sneak you into 69 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:13,760 a room and you slept over and right, right. Sorry, the game. Okay, so take off your shirt. 70 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:18,360 Your character takes off his leather armor, recoiling at the heat he perceives it to be 71 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:28,080 generating. Okay, roll another saving throw. Holy crap, you really can't throw for shit 72 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:34,840 tonight. A three. Man. Okay, well, you failed. Let me roll to see what piece of clothing 73 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:44,240 she heats up next. Wow. I hate to say this, but I just got a natural 20. So let me look 74 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:53,880 up the chart. Yeah, take off your pants. Yeah, I'm serious. What do you mean show me the 75 00:08:53,880 --> 00:09:00,040 book? It's just way over there on the shelf. I just copied the chart into my notes here. 76 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:05,680 No, you can't. Hey, give those back. Dude, you can't look at my notes. I'm the dungeon 77 00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:15,400 master. That's like sacrilegious. Don't do that. Don't look at them. Okay. Yeah. So, 78 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:27,320 I can explain. Yeah, there's no chart. I was freestyling. And then the tome of crap or 79 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:35,320 whatever. What do you mean? What's this page in my notes mean? It's just a drawing of you 80 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:45,280 and me. Writing unicorns. Leading a monkey army. Is that weird? No, no, no, don't go. 81 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:54,760 I'm sorry. Shit. I'm sorry. Look, okay. Real talk time. Forget about the game. Okay. Forget 82 00:09:54,760 --> 00:10:05,840 about the game. And let me get it together here for a second. Just deep breaths. Okay. 83 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:12,760 Here it goes. So we've known each other since grade school. We've been besties since we 84 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:19,800 met. We got each other through high school and we're still great friends in university. 85 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:27,280 So I don't know how to do this. I mean, I know how to get laid. That's easy. But guys 86 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:35,200 are dogs. I don't want to just have sex with you. I mean, I do. But that's not all I want. 87 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:44,400 I want, I want like girlfriend boyfriend stuff with you because I, you know. Fuck off. Don't 88 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:51,400 make me say it. Okay. You know what? Forget it. I don't know what I was thinking of anyway. 89 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:56,560 Why would you want me? I am, I know the kind of girls you date. Fucking shit heels that 90 00:10:56,560 --> 00:11:01,600 are guaranteed to make you miserable because God forbid you'd be attracted to anybody who's 91 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:11,720 nice to you. And I know this because you come crying to me whenever inevitably goes south 92 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:17,040 because surprise when you date stupid cunts, they tend to do stupid cunt shit a lot. But 93 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:22,640 hey, whatever. That's what I'm here for. Right? Just to be your emotional life support while 94 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:27,040 I go and fuck other dudes who are not you because you wouldn't look at me like that 95 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:35,880 while I grow old waiting for you to love me back. Oh fuck off. Yes. Okay. I love you. 96 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:42,680 You fucking dumb ass jerk off asshole. Fuck wad. I mean, I've been in love with you since 97 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:51,400 two weeks after we met. I love you asshole. Fuck me if I know why seeing you, you dumbest 98 00:11:51,400 --> 00:12:12,360 man existing. Oh, did you just kiss me? Why are you laughing? How's this funny? Wow. Okay. 99 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:27,200 The laughing and kissing is throwing me kind of signals but it tastes really good. Oh my 100 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:42,640 god. I am short of breath. Say it. Say it again. Fine. I love you. Stop laughing. It's 101 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:50,480 not. Yeah, you're right. It is actually kind of funny now that I think about it. Are you 102 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:55,560 saying this whole thing may have been a little too elaborate? Because in my head, this plan 103 00:12:55,560 --> 00:13:07,320 was completely foolproof. Air fucking tight. Holy shit. I'm still kind of flashing back 104 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:14,600 on that kiss. But wait, hang on. Why are you kissing me in the first place? Is this some 105 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:20,720 kind of weird friendship pity thing? Because if it is, I might have to kick you in the 106 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:32,160 balls. Do you love me too? Always I have. Ever since the first week. And you thought 107 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:39,000 I was the one who had no interest. Well, shit. We might be the two dumbest people in the 108 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:53,880 entire multiverse. Top three easily. So we kissed and we love each other, I guess. I'm 109 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:58,120 going to admit I didn't really think this part through. I just kind of planned as far 110 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:05,200 as getting your clothes off and the rest of us just going to play it by ear. What do we 111 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:16,560 do now? What are you doing? What do you mean? You're rolling. We're not playing. Holy shit. 112 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:22,720 The natural 20. That's a critical hit. Yeah, that's the kind of hit that would have blown 113 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:31,000 right by any defenses. What would it have been on the chart if the chart was real? Well, 114 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:36,560 a natural 20 means you could have the mad queen do any single action. No possibility 115 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:44,400 of safe. Yeah, you could have made her topless. I guess I would have to play the queen in 116 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:57,760 this scenario. Seems only fair. Okay, my top is off. Now what? You want me to roll? Okay, 117 00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:08,240 how about a saving throw against cunning? Jesus shit, that's a one. That's unreal. Critical 118 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:15,960 fail means you get to control another action. You want the queen to straddle you. Oh, that's 119 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:23,400 sort of against. No, you're right. I did just roll a one. Okay, shift over. Let me swing 120 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:35,200 my leg around. Is that your cock? I mean, of course, I know you have a penis. It's just 121 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:47,040 really hard. Okay, I'm straddling you now. Wow, my nipple is in your mouth. And I know 122 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:55,320 don't stop. It's just something I've thought about a lot. Yeah, little bites are very, 123 00:15:55,320 --> 00:16:15,320 very good. Oh, sucking is good, too. Oh, my god. Oh, wait. Oh, god. Elites, your cock 124 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:23,880 is so fucking hard. I can feel it against my genes. Oh, my god, you squeeze them together. 125 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:33,840 Oh, put both nipples in your mouth. Jesus. Wait, wait. Hang on. Let me grab a die. Oh, 126 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:42,560 shit. Oh, fuck. Oh, would you look at that? I rolled an 18. Take off your fucking pants 127 00:16:42,560 --> 00:17:06,400 because I need you in my fucking mouth. Holy shit. I want this cock in all of me. Grab 128 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:36,320 my hair. Grab my head. You won't hurt me. Fuck like that. I love you. I love you. I 129 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:46,000 really do. But right now, I want to fuck the daylights out of you. And it's your turn. 130 00:17:46,000 --> 00:18:01,640 So roll while I keep sucking you off. I'm 17. Shit. I guess you get to control another 131 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:12,680 action. Oh, gosh, what a shame. Off with my pants it is. Just let me pull these down real 132 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:22,040 fast. Oh, you want to help? Okay, just move your hand down. Oh, it's just your hand is 133 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:28,440 in my pants and I didn't realize how wet I am. Your finger could probably slip in by 134 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:37,640 X. So fuck for a purpose. Oh, fuck. I don't mind. I don't mind that your finger is inside 135 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:44,440 of me. Oh, shut up and rub my clit while I get these fucking pants off. Fuck yeah. Just 136 00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:56,360 like Jesus. Just like that. Okay. Okay. They're off. Shit. Where did the dice go? Oh, shit. 137 00:18:56,360 --> 00:19:06,920 Oh, my God. That's another 18. Well, I guess you have to eat my pussy now. Oh, oh no, don't 138 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:14,280 move. Let me climb up and grind this wet pussy on your face. And oh, your tongue. Fuck, that 139 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:21,400 feels so fucking good. Oh, oh, put your tongue all the way inside me. Jesus. I'm going to 140 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:31,240 grind until you eat the cum out of me. Oh, oh, fuck. God, this is insane. I feel like 141 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:40,440 my entire body is going to explode. Oh, oh, God. So when are you going to put your delicious 142 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:48,920 fucking cock inside me? Oh, my God. Fucking suck on my clit, right? Just like that. Oh, 143 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:54,600 my God. I'm going to fuck you so hard. You fucking idiot. Why didn't you tell me this 144 00:19:54,600 --> 00:20:02,360 before? Oh, you're right. Not the time. Okay. Okay, please. Now put your cock inside me, 145 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:14,760 please. Oh, holy shit. Okay. Don't stop. I'm going to ride you until you cum. Oh, my God. 146 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:27,400 Yeah, suck on my nipples. Oh, they're yours. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My pussy needs that. 147 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:33,560 Oh, my God. My pussy needs you to cum with me. Please, please, please cum with me. God, 148 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:45,720 God, I'll cum with you. Fuck, fuck, fuck me. I'm, I'm going to fucking cum. Oh, God. Cum 149 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:59,400 with me, cum with me. Holy shit. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Oh, God. I was, Jesus. Oh, my 150 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:10,840 God. Fuck, what a mess. Oh, where is it? What's that? How many experience points was that? 151 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:28,120 Oh, you cheeky little fuck. Um, fine. Let's just say you leveled up.