Hi, I know I said I couldn't see each night, but I lied because I'm a coward, but I can't
do this anymore.
I need to talk to you now before I lose what little courage I have.
I think we should break up.
No, no, no, it's not that.
I do care for you, and I think I love you, but, God, no, no, I never cheat on you ever.
Please, please don't think that.
I just, I can't get into it, okay?
Because I'd rather break up with you on good terms than get dumped when you find out what
I'm really like.
I'm, I'm disgusting, okay?
I, is that what you need to hear?
It really, it really isn't you at all.
It's me.
Can you just accept it?
This is hard enough as it is.
There's no benefit in you knowing.
Do you really want to know?
Fine.
I'll tell you, and then you can kick me out.
At least it'll be a clean break.
I know I shouldn't be asking you for anything, but would you mind making me something to
drink?
Thank you.
Wine, please.
A lot of it.
Thank you.
Yeah, let's sit on your couch and okay, just let me finish.
I know what usually happens when I start sitting here and as lovely as it is, I need to get
through this so you can get on with your life.
I was raised pretty severely, you know that I was supposed to be God's special little
virgin until I met the right man who would basically buy me from my dad and then take
me into his house and I'll make a million babies with him and never have to think for
myself again.
Luckily I fell in love with the wrong crowd.
As my mom would tell you, I drank, I listened to music that was angry and sexy, I even smoked
a cigarette once.
Yeah, I know my hair was dyed when you met me.
I guess I was still wild then.
I wasn't a virgin, you know, you weren't my first.
You knew how.
Blowjobs are too good, oh geez.
And it doesn't bother you that I lied.
Okay, well, I didn't lie.
What I mean is that I never told you I wasn't a virgin.
I let you believe I was pure.
You say that but everybody knows it matters.
You know, this isn't why I'm breaking up with you.
I'm just, you know, showing you that you can't trust me.
Oh my god, fine.
I believe you.
I believe you.
You're just the first guy I've dated who doesn't care that I've had sex before them.
Well, yeah, I guess I did kind of have shitty boyfriends before you then.
But that's the problem, isn't it?
You're not shitty.
You deserve better.
Okay.
I'm getting to it, okay, I'm, I'm not trying to draw this out, believe me, I just, I want
you to understand.
So you know, you're not losing anything.
So you know, that, okay.
So you know, sometimes how we fool around, fine, fine, I'll use the word.
Because when we fuck, I get kind of close down.
Yeah, most of the time, it goes like this.
We sit on the couch, you look at me like you are now, and you lean in and I just sort of
melt into your lip, your hand on my breast, you take off my shirt, shit, no, stop, stop,
I don't want this.
I mean, I do, damn it.
Why are you making this so hard?
Okay, I guess this conversation isn't the only thing that's hard.
I'm sorry, I did not mean to work you up.
And I'm, I'm really fucking this up.
I don't know what to do. And it's killing me. Okay, I thought breaking up would be the
best way the easiest way.
But I don't want to.
I want to be with you like this.
All right, you've always been a good listener.
I'll just explain this to you. And then maybe we can talk about it.
And if you want to dump me, I won't be angry. Okay.
All right.
So when we get into it, and you've got my clothes off, and you're going down at me,
or fingering me or whatever, most of the time things go well, right?
Yeah, we fuck and I come more than once and you come to me and I love it and it's great.
But sometimes I just can't.
And I don't get wet and I shut down. And it's just awful, especially for you.
For one thing,
let me let me do this. Okay. You, you never make me feel bad.
You hold me, you kiss me, and it's the next day we pretend like everything is fine, but
it isn't.
And for one thing, I can tell that you're frustrated and you don't act mean or anything,
but it takes you a long time to relax.
And I, I don't take care of you like I should.
I'm just afraid that if I start again, I might ask you to do things.
And for another, you blame yourself. I know you do.
I know you do. You ask me sometimes if you did something wrong, but you never do.
And I tell you that, but you know, I'm lying or that I'm not telling you something.
And well, you never did anything wrong. Okay.
I just wasn't telling you what kind of freak I am, please, please.
I may not be religious anymore, but I know the difference between healthy and wrong and
I'm wrong. Okay.
And I can't get better.
My therapist tells me that I might never change and yes, I'm seeing a therapist for this and
I want to get over it, but they're not helping.
They listen to me. Sure.
And they're very supportive, but they won't do anything to, you know, help me change.
And they keep saying it's normal as you would think this is normal.
I'm sorry. I know I'm not making any sense.
So like those times when I shut down.
I'm still really aroused and I still really want you.
I just, I just, okay.
Let me just,
I need you to be rough with me. Okay.
What do I mean? Are you going to make me say it?
I want you to put your hand on my hair and grip it and I want you to spank me when I'm
a little bratty and I want you to push me on my knees and I want, I want you to make
me blow you.
I want you to push me on my back and pin my arms down when you fuck me.
Like you're forcing me.
I just, I just want it and sometimes I need it and I think about it all the time too.
When I'm working, sometimes you text me something sweet and loving and I wonder, oh, I wonder
what it would be like if you forced me right there at my desk.
What do you mean? What do I mean?
Like well, you come up behind me and you pull my chair out and you pull me out of it harshly
and then you feel me up really roughly and I love it, make me feel like I'm your property
and I, I ask you what you're doing, but you just chuckle and it's so sinister, but it
turns me on more and you spin me around and you push me back then you unbutton my blouse
and I wasn't paying attention and I feel so exposed.
Then you just get on your knees and lick me right through my jeans, you know, and you
bite my thigh and kiss me and sort of eat me out, but I'm still dressed and it's hot
for some reason, like you, like you can't even wait, but I also can't feel your lips
and tongue like I want to.
I ask you to take my jeans off, I beg you and you won't and I start to unbutton them
and you grab my wrists and you pin them with just one hand, you're so much stronger and
bigger than I am and I love it and I tell you that I love it and you look at me with
heat and you laugh at me, you laugh at how helpless I am and I don't get angry, I get
desperate, I need your cock inside me, I need you to hurt me, to choke me, I can't help
it and that's usually when I would just drag myself back to reality sweating and wet in
my office chair, wishing so badly for you.
Do you see? Do you understand? You're a good man, you would never beat me or choke me or
hurt me and it's awful for me to want those things and I know that.
Don't lie to me. Don't lie to me just to make me feel better. I may not be as worldly
as you but I'm still. No, I mean, of course I trust you. I love you and I believe in you.
I really, I really don't want to break up with you. I just can't think of any other
way and it isn't right that you have to be with somebody like me.
Okay. Fine. You're right. You listen to me. So it's only fair that I listen to you.
You don't really believe that? Because you can't. No one would think that what I want
is natural. I mean, I was almost too embarrassed to talk about it, let alone even do it. No,
I know it's, I know it's wrong. I know it's wrong. I know back when we started dating
that I still had some hang ups about sex. It made me feel dirty when I wanted it and
knew you were the right guy. I felt bad about the other people but you helped me see that
it's all right to have more than one partner and I love you for it but this is different.
How? That's, it's not natural. It's, you know, it's true. It's sick. I'm sick. You can say
that all you want but I know it's just because you, no, no, that's not fair. I'm just, it's
just gonna make things harder when I, fuck. I'm having a little difficulty thinking right
now but we have to settle this. We have to settle this now that you know the kind of
thing that I really need. So you're, you're telling me you'd be willing to do the things
I want you to when it disgusts you? I mean, yeah, I want you to. I don't want anyone else.
I just, I never thought you'd be all right with it. You're so, so safe. I don't mean
it as an insult. I mean, you were, you're the first man that I've ever felt safe letting
my guard down around like this. That's part of what I love about you. I trust you completely.
So does that mean we can, you know, tonight? Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, are you gonna make
me say it? It's embarrassing. Okay, well, if you think it's hot, then I'll do it. I'll
do anything for you. Will you fuck me please? Will you be harsh with me? Will you, will
you pull my hair and maybe choke me a little? Oh god. The way you said that, it sent shivers
down my spine. I love it. When you get possessive with me I'm back. I really, really want to
be yours. I am yours. I guess we do need a safe word. How about vodka? I don't like
it so I don't say it a lot. So, what do you want me to, oh. Oh, you just grabbed my hair
and oh my god. Okay, I've never seen you like this. Yes, yes, so I'll get down on my knees.
Are you, are you taking, are you taking your cock out? You want me to blow you right here
in the living room on the hardwood floor? Yeah, yeah, okay. So, do I? Oh god, I can't
believe you're already hard. No, no, I like it, it's good, it's good. That's it, that's
it, take my hair and force my head down. No, no, I like it when I can't breathe. I like,
I get down on my hands and knees. Are you gonna fuck me now? Oh yeah, just push my skirt
up and take what's yours, tear my panties off if they're in the way. I have never been
this wet, baby, please, please, please, fuck me, fuck me and use me, please, baby, I'm
begging you, don't make me wait, you're so cruel. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I did
not know you'd be like this. Oh fuck, oh baby, tell me how bad you want to use me, tell me
how bad you want to force me. Oh fuck, baby, that's so hard. Do you like hurting me? I
like you hurting me. Yeah, alright baby, please, please, please, fuck me, I'm your little slut.
Yeah, you like hearing that? Oh, you're pushing my head down on the floor. This is good, yeah,
I can take it, I can take it, fuck me harder, please, please. Yes, baby, I love you. You're
hitting my throat, yeah, it belongs there. I can't, I can't, I'm having a little trouble
breathing. I'm just so close, baby, please. Oh god, oh god, I feel you, I feel you coming
to me, I can't wait anymore, I love you. Fuck, I'm gonna go and pee. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
You don't need to carry me off, you already had me. Oh, you're gonna give me a bath? That
does sound really nice. Are you always gonna take care of me like this after you use me
so well? Yeah, well, I do, oh, I do feel very silly right now. I should have spoken to you
earlier, I just, I couldn't imagine that you'd ever be willing to, to do this for me. Yeah,
I think we'll, we'll work it out after all.