1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:19,520 Hi, I know I said I couldn't see each night, but I lied because I'm a coward, but I can't 2 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:20,520 do this anymore. 3 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:34,960 I need to talk to you now before I lose what little courage I have. 4 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:36,960 I think we should break up. 5 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:41,760 No, no, no, it's not that. 6 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:54,200 I do care for you, and I think I love you, but, God, no, no, I never cheat on you ever. 7 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,520 Please, please don't think that. 8 00:00:55,520 --> 00:01:02,200 I just, I can't get into it, okay? 9 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:13,280 Because I'd rather break up with you on good terms than get dumped when you find out what 10 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:17,240 I'm really like. 11 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:21,000 I'm, I'm disgusting, okay? 12 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,400 I, is that what you need to hear? 13 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,840 It really, it really isn't you at all. 14 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:28,000 It's me. 15 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,900 Can you just accept it? 16 00:01:29,900 --> 00:01:34,000 This is hard enough as it is. 17 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:39,240 There's no benefit in you knowing. 18 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:48,680 Do you really want to know? 19 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:50,360 Fine. 20 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:54,280 I'll tell you, and then you can kick me out. 21 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:58,240 At least it'll be a clean break. 22 00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:04,400 I know I shouldn't be asking you for anything, but would you mind making me something to 23 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:05,400 drink? 24 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:06,400 Thank you. 25 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:07,400 Wine, please. 26 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:08,400 A lot of it. 27 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:09,400 Thank you. 28 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:32,600 Yeah, let's sit on your couch and okay, just let me finish. 29 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:41,800 I know what usually happens when I start sitting here and as lovely as it is, I need to get 30 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:50,080 through this so you can get on with your life. 31 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:58,560 I was raised pretty severely, you know that I was supposed to be God's special little 32 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:06,240 virgin until I met the right man who would basically buy me from my dad and then take 33 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:12,040 me into his house and I'll make a million babies with him and never have to think for 34 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:18,480 myself again. 35 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:21,200 Luckily I fell in love with the wrong crowd. 36 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:28,120 As my mom would tell you, I drank, I listened to music that was angry and sexy, I even smoked 37 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,520 a cigarette once. 38 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:35,000 Yeah, I know my hair was dyed when you met me. 39 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:39,840 I guess I was still wild then. 40 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:46,360 I wasn't a virgin, you know, you weren't my first. 41 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:52,600 You knew how. 42 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:57,840 Blowjobs are too good, oh geez. 43 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:00,840 And it doesn't bother you that I lied. 44 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:06,480 Okay, well, I didn't lie. 45 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:10,280 What I mean is that I never told you I wasn't a virgin. 46 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:18,920 I let you believe I was pure. 47 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:23,680 You say that but everybody knows it matters. 48 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:29,440 You know, this isn't why I'm breaking up with you. 49 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:34,960 I'm just, you know, showing you that you can't trust me. 50 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:38,480 Oh my god, fine. 51 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:39,480 I believe you. 52 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,480 I believe you. 53 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:46,800 You're just the first guy I've dated who doesn't care that I've had sex before them. 54 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:57,840 Well, yeah, I guess I did kind of have shitty boyfriends before you then. 55 00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:00,120 But that's the problem, isn't it? 56 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,320 You're not shitty. 57 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,120 You deserve better. 58 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,120 Okay. 59 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:14,960 I'm getting to it, okay, I'm, I'm not trying to draw this out, believe me, I just, I want 60 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,920 you to understand. 61 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:21,720 So you know, you're not losing anything. 62 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:29,240 So you know, that, okay. 63 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:42,300 So you know, sometimes how we fool around, fine, fine, I'll use the word. 64 00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:50,280 Because when we fuck, I get kind of close down. 65 00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:56,640 Yeah, most of the time, it goes like this. 66 00:05:56,640 --> 00:06:06,600 We sit on the couch, you look at me like you are now, and you lean in and I just sort of 67 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:31,320 melt into your lip, your hand on my breast, you take off my shirt, shit, no, stop, stop, 68 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,720 I don't want this. 69 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:38,440 I mean, I do, damn it. 70 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:42,160 Why are you making this so hard? 71 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:49,080 Okay, I guess this conversation isn't the only thing that's hard. 72 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,920 I'm sorry, I did not mean to work you up. 73 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:57,880 And I'm, I'm really fucking this up. 74 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:06,240 I don't know what to do. And it's killing me. Okay, I thought breaking up would be the 75 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:09,560 best way the easiest way. 76 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,200 But I don't want to. 77 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:15,040 I want to be with you like this. 78 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:22,240 All right, you've always been a good listener. 79 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:29,280 I'll just explain this to you. And then maybe we can talk about it. 80 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:34,960 And if you want to dump me, I won't be angry. Okay. 81 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:39,040 All right. 82 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:45,520 So when we get into it, and you've got my clothes off, and you're going down at me, 83 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:51,240 or fingering me or whatever, most of the time things go well, right? 84 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:59,000 Yeah, we fuck and I come more than once and you come to me and I love it and it's great. 85 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:03,520 But sometimes I just can't. 86 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:10,800 And I don't get wet and I shut down. And it's just awful, especially for you. 87 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:15,160 For one thing, 88 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:21,800 let me let me do this. Okay. You, you never make me feel bad. 89 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:26,960 You hold me, you kiss me, and it's the next day we pretend like everything is fine, but 90 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:27,960 it isn't. 91 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:33,480 And for one thing, I can tell that you're frustrated and you don't act mean or anything, 92 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:38,420 but it takes you a long time to relax. 93 00:08:38,420 --> 00:08:42,880 And I, I don't take care of you like I should. 94 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:48,400 I'm just afraid that if I start again, I might ask you to do things. 95 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:52,280 And for another, you blame yourself. I know you do. 96 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:57,120 I know you do. You ask me sometimes if you did something wrong, but you never do. 97 00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:03,720 And I tell you that, but you know, I'm lying or that I'm not telling you something. 98 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:09,520 And well, you never did anything wrong. Okay. 99 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:19,120 I just wasn't telling you what kind of freak I am, please, please. 100 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:28,840 I may not be religious anymore, but I know the difference between healthy and wrong and 101 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,800 I'm wrong. Okay. 102 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:35,420 And I can't get better. 103 00:09:35,420 --> 00:09:43,040 My therapist tells me that I might never change and yes, I'm seeing a therapist for this and 104 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,920 I want to get over it, but they're not helping. 105 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:47,560 They listen to me. Sure. 106 00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:55,760 And they're very supportive, but they won't do anything to, you know, help me change. 107 00:09:55,760 --> 00:10:02,520 And they keep saying it's normal as you would think this is normal. 108 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:08,920 I'm sorry. I know I'm not making any sense. 109 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:19,440 So like those times when I shut down. 110 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:29,160 I'm still really aroused and I still really want you. 111 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:38,720 I just, I just, okay. 112 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:51,520 Let me just, 113 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,600 I need you to be rough with me. Okay. 114 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:59,920 What do I mean? Are you going to make me say it? 115 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:05,480 I want you to put your hand on my hair and grip it and I want you to spank me when I'm 116 00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:10,680 a little bratty and I want you to push me on my knees and I want, I want you to make 117 00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:12,400 me blow you. 118 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:18,120 I want you to push me on my back and pin my arms down when you fuck me. 119 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,120 Like you're forcing me. 120 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:28,720 I just, I just want it and sometimes I need it and I think about it all the time too. 121 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:35,120 When I'm working, sometimes you text me something sweet and loving and I wonder, oh, I wonder 122 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:41,040 what it would be like if you forced me right there at my desk. 123 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:45,640 What do you mean? What do I mean? 124 00:11:45,640 --> 00:12:00,280 Like well, you come up behind me and you pull my chair out and you pull me out of it harshly 125 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:15,440 and then you feel me up really roughly and I love it, make me feel like I'm your property 126 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:22,680 and I, I ask you what you're doing, but you just chuckle and it's so sinister, but it 127 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:31,240 turns me on more and you spin me around and you push me back then you unbutton my blouse 128 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:36,840 and I wasn't paying attention and I feel so exposed. 129 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:43,280 Then you just get on your knees and lick me right through my jeans, you know, and you 130 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:51,040 bite my thigh and kiss me and sort of eat me out, but I'm still dressed and it's hot 131 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:58,240 for some reason, like you, like you can't even wait, but I also can't feel your lips 132 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,200 and tongue like I want to. 133 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:08,160 I ask you to take my jeans off, I beg you and you won't and I start to unbutton them 134 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:15,760 and you grab my wrists and you pin them with just one hand, you're so much stronger and 135 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:23,720 bigger than I am and I love it and I tell you that I love it and you look at me with 136 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:31,480 heat and you laugh at me, you laugh at how helpless I am and I don't get angry, I get 137 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:39,920 desperate, I need your cock inside me, I need you to hurt me, to choke me, I can't help 138 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:48,320 it and that's usually when I would just drag myself back to reality sweating and wet in 139 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:58,480 my office chair, wishing so badly for you. 140 00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:04,920 Do you see? Do you understand? You're a good man, you would never beat me or choke me or 141 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:14,940 hurt me and it's awful for me to want those things and I know that. 142 00:14:14,940 --> 00:14:21,200 Don't lie to me. Don't lie to me just to make me feel better. I may not be as worldly 143 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:29,960 as you but I'm still. No, I mean, of course I trust you. I love you and I believe in you. 144 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:37,600 I really, I really don't want to break up with you. I just can't think of any other 145 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:45,160 way and it isn't right that you have to be with somebody like me. 146 00:14:45,160 --> 00:15:04,640 Okay. Fine. You're right. You listen to me. So it's only fair that I listen to you. 147 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:24,280 You don't really believe that? Because you can't. No one would think that what I want 148 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:36,640 is natural. I mean, I was almost too embarrassed to talk about it, let alone even do it. No, 149 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:41,840 I know it's, I know it's wrong. I know it's wrong. I know back when we started dating 150 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:52,160 that I still had some hang ups about sex. It made me feel dirty when I wanted it and 151 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:58,520 knew you were the right guy. I felt bad about the other people but you helped me see that 152 00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:04,800 it's all right to have more than one partner and I love you for it but this is different. 153 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:16,000 How? That's, it's not natural. It's, you know, it's true. It's sick. I'm sick. You can say 154 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:31,200 that all you want but I know it's just because you, no, no, that's not fair. I'm just, it's 155 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:41,200 just gonna make things harder when I, fuck. I'm having a little difficulty thinking right 156 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:52,560 now but we have to settle this. We have to settle this now that you know the kind of 157 00:16:52,560 --> 00:17:08,660 thing that I really need. So you're, you're telling me you'd be willing to do the things 158 00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:19,960 I want you to when it disgusts you? I mean, yeah, I want you to. I don't want anyone else. 159 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:33,240 I just, I never thought you'd be all right with it. You're so, so safe. I don't mean 160 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:39,560 it as an insult. I mean, you were, you're the first man that I've ever felt safe letting 161 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:50,640 my guard down around like this. That's part of what I love about you. I trust you completely. 162 00:17:50,640 --> 00:18:09,080 So does that mean we can, you know, tonight? Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, are you gonna make 163 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:19,840 me say it? It's embarrassing. Okay, well, if you think it's hot, then I'll do it. I'll 164 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:29,600 do anything for you. Will you fuck me please? Will you be harsh with me? Will you, will 165 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:42,640 you pull my hair and maybe choke me a little? Oh god. The way you said that, it sent shivers 166 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:50,320 down my spine. I love it. When you get possessive with me I'm back. I really, really want to 167 00:18:50,320 --> 00:19:10,840 be yours. I am yours. I guess we do need a safe word. How about vodka? I don't like 168 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:23,080 it so I don't say it a lot. So, what do you want me to, oh. Oh, you just grabbed my hair 169 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:41,200 and oh my god. Okay, I've never seen you like this. Yes, yes, so I'll get down on my knees. 170 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:53,640 Are you, are you taking, are you taking your cock out? You want me to blow you right here 171 00:19:53,640 --> 00:20:22,400 in the living room on the hardwood floor? Yeah, yeah, okay. So, do I? Oh god, I can't 172 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:47,880 believe you're already hard. No, no, I like it, it's good, it's good. That's it, that's 173 00:20:47,880 --> 00:21:08,920 it, take my hair and force my head down. No, no, I like it when I can't breathe. I like, 174 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:34,440 I get down on my hands and knees. Are you gonna fuck me now? Oh yeah, just push my skirt 175 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:40,880 up and take what's yours, tear my panties off if they're in the way. I have never been 176 00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:45,600 this wet, baby, please, please, please, fuck me, fuck me and use me, please, baby, I'm 177 00:21:45,600 --> 00:22:10,040 begging you, don't make me wait, you're so cruel. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I did 178 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:20,280 not know you'd be like this. Oh fuck, oh baby, tell me how bad you want to use me, tell me 179 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:41,320 how bad you want to force me. Oh fuck, baby, that's so hard. Do you like hurting me? I 180 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:59,040 like you hurting me. Yeah, alright baby, please, please, please, fuck me, I'm your little slut. 181 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:15,480 Yeah, you like hearing that? Oh, you're pushing my head down on the floor. This is good, yeah, 182 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:29,680 I can take it, I can take it, fuck me harder, please, please. Yes, baby, I love you. You're 183 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:42,200 hitting my throat, yeah, it belongs there. I can't, I can't, I'm having a little trouble 184 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:49,560 breathing. I'm just so close, baby, please. Oh god, oh god, I feel you, I feel you coming 185 00:23:49,560 --> 00:24:15,800 to me, I can't wait anymore, I love you. Fuck, I'm gonna go and pee. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 186 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:30,880 You don't need to carry me off, you already had me. Oh, you're gonna give me a bath? That 187 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:38,200 does sound really nice. Are you always gonna take care of me like this after you use me 188 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:49,120 so well? Yeah, well, I do, oh, I do feel very silly right now. I should have spoken to you 189 00:24:49,120 --> 00:25:04,160 earlier, I just, I couldn't imagine that you'd ever be willing to, to do this for me. Yeah, 190 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:08,360 I think we'll, we'll work it out after all.