All right, I'm coming in.
And I'm covering my eyes in case you're jacking off in here, even though you don't cover
your eyes when you march into my room and you're not jacking off.
Damn.
I was so excited to finally get back at you for all those times you've walked in on me
and asked a baby.
Why do you look so sad?
And why are you in bed without a shirt on?
And are you sure you weren't masturbating because that little buddy there looks like
he's trying to wave at me through the sweatpants.
Hi.
Oh, I know you hate it when I call your dick little buddy, but that's why I will exclusively
refer to it that way for the rest of our lives.
You can't just tell me you hate something and not expect me to use it against you because
you really should know me better than that by now.
But seriously, what, what, what the hell is going on?
Why are you sad about sending a dick pic?
That's great.
Unless she did ask for it, right?
Okay.
Yeah.
Thank God.
Because there's seriously nothing less arousing than an unsolicited dick pic really isn't.
Then what's the weird pity party about a girl likes you enough to ask for a picture of her
dick, which seems like a huge win to me.
She never responded.
Okay.
Maybe she got busy or, or she could have fallen asleep early.
She's been tweeting the whole time.
The big yikes, bro.
Let let me see the photo you sent.
Oh, come on.
I just want to see if it was bad enough to warn ignoring you or if there's something
else going on.
And if it's bad, I can help you improve.
You know, not all dick pics are created equal though.
But I think you think I'm talking about dicks themselves or the people with the dicks, but
I'm not.
I'm talking about the photographic composition of the pictures.
There's this idea that people want the pictures of the perfect dick, but that's ridiculous.
Dick size or shape or things like whatever you have abs or not.
All of that irrelevant.
Okay.
I firmly believe that all bodies are beautiful and all dicks are beautiful as well, but all
dick pics are not.
There are so many things that can go into realizing your full dicks photographic potential.
Just come on, show me what you sent and I can look at it objectively.
I will give you some friendly and constructive feedback.
I'm dead serious.
I am.
I'm an expert when it comes to dick pics.
I used to do critiques all the time in college.
Yeah, I'm serious.
This woman, Madeline Holden, she ran a blog, Critique My Dick Pic, and she would charge
people for honest feedback on their sext.
She ran through all the important factors like lighting, setting, angles, hand placement,
especially the hand placement.
That can go such a long way.
I firmly believe in spreading the gospel.
I started offering critiques too.
It was kind of like a public service project and, oh God, at the time, dick pics were abundant,
but very, very low in quality.
I always went out of my way to be kind to my critiques.
I would never criticize the dick itself, just the presentation.
It was fun too.
It helped me raise a lot of people's self-awareness about their dick game.
I haven't had a chance to use my skills in years, so please let me show off this one
insanely specific, mostly useless skill and help you, please, please, please, please.
If you let me help you, I promise I will never call your dick little buddy again.
You'll do it?
Oh, I'm kind of sad that I'll have to let go of little buddy, but I think it's fair
trade off.
All right, hand it over.
Let's see what you got.
Well, I'm going to be honest with you, it's not great.
The first picture you sent of the boxers, that one's not half bad, dick prints, sorry.
Dicks where you can see the outline of a dick through clothing are almost always hotter
than just outright naked dicks.
A full blown dick can just be like a little aggressive, but dick prints have this inviting
quality about them.
You don't know your angles and it would have been much better if you use your hands, but
the lighting is nice and you frame the dick quite well.
And see, I can see she agreed.
She responded positively to the dick print shot and asked you for more, but then I promised
to be objective, so I will just objectively say, bro, this pic is terrible.
You sent her what we refer to as the log.
And the log is the most common form of dick pics and also the least erotic, so yikes.
Yeah, it's an overhead close up shot where the dick takes up most of the frame.
There's no teasing, no action, nothing at all sexual about it besides the fact that,
well, it's a dick and it's not offensively bad.
It's just lazy, boring, and you are neither lazy nor boring, so your dick pics shouldn't
be either.
For example, right now I can see the outline of your dick in your gray sweatpants and that
is way hotter than this picture.
Actually, if you gripped your dick, that would be an excellent dick pic.
Here, I got your phone and I'm going to be way better than you at finding the right angles
anyway, so what?
No, I said I would help you and this is me helping.
I'm the expert here, remember, so just do as I say and yeah, yeah, just like that, just
like that.
Turn your hand a little.
Okay.
Yeah.
So your dick really strains against there.
There we go.
That's more like it.
Don't look at me like that.
Yeah.
Okay.
I got to hit them angles.
Okay.
All right, now lay down and let me take a shot from right here on the edge of the bed.
Wow.
I love this.
Yeah.
The sheets are lightly rumpled, which creates atmosphere and the colors are vibrant, but
not overwhelming and I can get a generous portion of your body in the shot.
Oh, yeah, that's great.
I am loving your dick from this angle.
Okay.
Let's try.
Okay.
This is going to go weird, but I feel like you might not be as hard as you were earlier
and all dick pics should always be taken while you're fully erect, so we should...
I had a great idea.
Stroke yourself through your pants and I will record it.
Then later you could turn into a GIF.
Don't look at me like that.
Expert, remember?
Expert.
Trust me.
I love these kind of GIFs.
They're my personal favorite subgenre of dick pics and I've already seen your dick, so there's
no point in being bashful now.
Perfect.
Thank you for following the instructions.
Damn.
Yeah, that is so much hotter than your pictures were.
All right.
Now it's time for the good stuff.
Pants off.
Of course, I'm sure.
Like I said, I've already seen your dick.
So wow, man, that picture really is so too short.
You have a spectacular dick.
Oh my God.
That angle was not doing me any favors, but look at it like this.
Poor girl does not know what she's missing out on.
Okay.
All right.
Let's get some shots.
Hey.
You can't just lie there.
I told you.
Hand placement.
Very important for dick pics.
So stroke your cock for me.
No, no, not like that.
Remember, you are not doing this to get off, okay?
You are doing it to arouse a woman.
So just tease yourself a little the way you would want her to tease you.
You know exactly what I mean.
Hasn't a girl ever just like lightly ran the tips of her fingers over you, slowly making
her way from the base of your cock all the way up to the head?
Yeah.
And then played with you a little, wrapped her fingers around you just enough to feel
your dicks are to get hard beneath her hands, but gently because she really wants to feel
you get hard in her mouth.
There's nothing like that feeling.
Oh my God.
Fuck.
Okay.
I really want to suck your cock right now.
And I know, I know we agreed when we moved in together that we wouldn't complicate this
by having sex, but, but, but we can do this without it getting weird, right?
We're friends.
We're both mature, responsible adults.
And I just, I just really want to give you a blow job.
So please.
And I'm, I'm not exactly the begging type, but thank God.
Okay.
No, wait, don't sit up.
Like I said, I love you at bed angle.
So lie back down here, take your phone so I can climb up onto the bed.
You know, it's a shame we didn't get any shots of this lovely hard cock without your pants
in the way.
It really deserves to be captured accurately.
So open the camera.
We'll do it right now.
Here, take a photo of your cock like this from your point of view.
Knee on my knees between your legs, wrapping my hands around the base or even better.
I'll flip up my skirt, bring my face down and arch my back so you can see my ass in
the picture.
Oh, I could even kiss the head a few times, just to really sell the shot.
How's that?
Sexy right?
Told you I could help.
Okay.
Switch it to video for me.
I love to have a gif of me just staring directly into the camera as I lick your cock for the
very first time.
Oh God, I love that little noise you made.
Lick it again for me.
Damn, that's hot.
I have dreamed of wrapping my lips around this cock since the moment we met.
You were wearing the same gray sweatpants a day I moved in and I could not stop thinking
about it.
Oh, no, do not try to push my head down.
You can pull my hair if you like, but remember I am the expert here.
So you follow my instructions, you don't get to set the pace, I do.
Do you want to come in my mouth?
Because if you had a condom, you could come on my pussy instead.
Okay, I guess we're going with the second option, I'll get undressed while you look
for one.
Oh God, I did not realize I was this wet.
Got the condom?
Good.
Now lay back down so I can ride you.
I've been dying to lower myself onto this cock for so long.
Oh God, that's good.
As you know, every time I've touched myself since I moved in, all this is what I've imagined.
You lying underneath me while I pass on your dick, all this, this perfect dick, oh, you
feel like you were made for me, and if I lean forward, I balance my hands on your chest,
I bet you had hit that spot right.
All those times you walked in on me using my twits, I kept waiting for you to take the
hit.
You needed me, you needed me to take the first step, you needed some guidance from an expert.
Are you going to come for me?
Yeah?
Oh good, good, because I'm going to come all over your cock, but don't come till I say
mmhmm.
Remember, you're following my instructions, and we're going to come together, okay?
Good.
Oh fuck, oh fuck, I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe I waited this long,
we wasted so much time.
Oh, we're going to make up for that now though, aren't we, aren't we, yeah, oh, oh, oh, that
feels perfect, okay, okay, okay, I'm going to come, I'm going to come, oh, come for me,
come for me, come for me, that's it, come for me, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
sorry, sorry.
So that happened, what?
No, no, oh, when I offered to help, I was not expecting this to happen, but all that
stuff I said before was true. I really, really do enjoy taking dick pics and yours, yours were
terrible. I was just trying to be a good friend, I swear. Which reminds me, we still don't have a
good shot of you holding your cock, do we? Hand me your phone. Let's see if we can capture this
little buddy in his little glory, huh?