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All right, I'm coming in.

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And I'm covering my eyes in case you're jacking off in here, even though you don't cover

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your eyes when you march into my room and you're not jacking off.

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Damn.

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I was so excited to finally get back at you for all those times you've walked in on me

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and asked a baby.

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Why do you look so sad?

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And why are you in bed without a shirt on?

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And are you sure you weren't masturbating because that little buddy there looks like

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he's trying to wave at me through the sweatpants.

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Hi.

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Oh, I know you hate it when I call your dick little buddy, but that's why I will exclusively

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refer to it that way for the rest of our lives.

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You can't just tell me you hate something and not expect me to use it against you because

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you really should know me better than that by now.

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But seriously, what, what, what the hell is going on?

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Why are you sad about sending a dick pic?

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That's great.

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Unless she did ask for it, right?

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Okay.

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Yeah.

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Thank God.

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Because there's seriously nothing less arousing than an unsolicited dick pic really isn't.

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Then what's the weird pity party about a girl likes you enough to ask for a picture of her

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dick, which seems like a huge win to me.

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She never responded.

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Okay.

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Maybe she got busy or, or she could have fallen asleep early.

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She's been tweeting the whole time.

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The big yikes, bro.

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Let let me see the photo you sent.

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Oh, come on.

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I just want to see if it was bad enough to warn ignoring you or if there's something

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else going on.

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And if it's bad, I can help you improve.

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You know, not all dick pics are created equal though.

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But I think you think I'm talking about dicks themselves or the people with the dicks, but

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I'm not.

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I'm talking about the photographic composition of the pictures.

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There's this idea that people want the pictures of the perfect dick, but that's ridiculous.

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Dick size or shape or things like whatever you have abs or not.

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All of that irrelevant.

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Okay.

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I firmly believe that all bodies are beautiful and all dicks are beautiful as well, but all

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dick pics are not.

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There are so many things that can go into realizing your full dicks photographic potential.

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Just come on, show me what you sent and I can look at it objectively.

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I will give you some friendly and constructive feedback.

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I'm dead serious.

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I am.

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I'm an expert when it comes to dick pics.

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I used to do critiques all the time in college.

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Yeah, I'm serious.

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This woman, Madeline Holden, she ran a blog, Critique My Dick Pic, and she would charge

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people for honest feedback on their sext.

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She ran through all the important factors like lighting, setting, angles, hand placement,

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especially the hand placement.

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That can go such a long way.

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I firmly believe in spreading the gospel.

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I started offering critiques too.

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It was kind of like a public service project and, oh God, at the time, dick pics were abundant,

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but very, very low in quality.

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I always went out of my way to be kind to my critiques.

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I would never criticize the dick itself, just the presentation.

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It was fun too.

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It helped me raise a lot of people's self-awareness about their dick game.

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I haven't had a chance to use my skills in years, so please let me show off this one

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insanely specific, mostly useless skill and help you, please, please, please, please.

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If you let me help you, I promise I will never call your dick little buddy again.

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You'll do it?

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Oh, I'm kind of sad that I'll have to let go of little buddy, but I think it's fair

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trade off.

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All right, hand it over.

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Let's see what you got.

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Well, I'm going to be honest with you, it's not great.

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The first picture you sent of the boxers, that one's not half bad, dick prints, sorry.

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Dicks where you can see the outline of a dick through clothing are almost always hotter

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than just outright naked dicks.

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A full blown dick can just be like a little aggressive, but dick prints have this inviting

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quality about them.

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You don't know your angles and it would have been much better if you use your hands, but

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the lighting is nice and you frame the dick quite well.

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And see, I can see she agreed.

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She responded positively to the dick print shot and asked you for more, but then I promised

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to be objective, so I will just objectively say, bro, this pic is terrible.

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You sent her what we refer to as the log.

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And the log is the most common form of dick pics and also the least erotic, so yikes.

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Yeah, it's an overhead close up shot where the dick takes up most of the frame.

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There's no teasing, no action, nothing at all sexual about it besides the fact that,

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well, it's a dick and it's not offensively bad.

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It's just lazy, boring, and you are neither lazy nor boring, so your dick pics shouldn't

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be either.

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For example, right now I can see the outline of your dick in your gray sweatpants and that

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is way hotter than this picture.

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Actually, if you gripped your dick, that would be an excellent dick pic.

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Here, I got your phone and I'm going to be way better than you at finding the right angles

97
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anyway, so what?

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No, I said I would help you and this is me helping.

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I'm the expert here, remember, so just do as I say and yeah, yeah, just like that, just

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like that.

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Turn your hand a little.

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Okay.

103
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Yeah.

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So your dick really strains against there.

105
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There we go.

106
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That's more like it.

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Don't look at me like that.

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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I got to hit them angles.

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Okay.

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All right, now lay down and let me take a shot from right here on the edge of the bed.

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Wow.

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I love this.

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Yeah.

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The sheets are lightly rumpled, which creates atmosphere and the colors are vibrant, but

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not overwhelming and I can get a generous portion of your body in the shot.

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Oh, yeah, that's great.

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I am loving your dick from this angle.

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Okay.

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Let's try.

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Okay.

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This is going to go weird, but I feel like you might not be as hard as you were earlier

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and all dick pics should always be taken while you're fully erect, so we should...

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I had a great idea.

126
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Stroke yourself through your pants and I will record it.

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Then later you could turn into a GIF.

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Don't look at me like that.

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Expert, remember?

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Expert.

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Trust me.

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I love these kind of GIFs.

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They're my personal favorite subgenre of dick pics and I've already seen your dick, so there's

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no point in being bashful now.

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Perfect.

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Thank you for following the instructions.

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Damn.

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Yeah, that is so much hotter than your pictures were.

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All right.

140
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Now it's time for the good stuff.

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Pants off.

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Of course, I'm sure.

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Like I said, I've already seen your dick.

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So wow, man, that picture really is so too short.

145
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You have a spectacular dick.

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Oh my God.

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That angle was not doing me any favors, but look at it like this.

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Poor girl does not know what she's missing out on.

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Okay.

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All right.

151
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Let's get some shots.

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Hey.

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You can't just lie there.

154
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I told you.

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Hand placement.

156
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Very important for dick pics.

157
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So stroke your cock for me.

158
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No, no, not like that.

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Remember, you are not doing this to get off, okay?

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You are doing it to arouse a woman.

161
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So just tease yourself a little the way you would want her to tease you.

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You know exactly what I mean.

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Hasn't a girl ever just like lightly ran the tips of her fingers over you, slowly making

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her way from the base of your cock all the way up to the head?

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Yeah.

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And then played with you a little, wrapped her fingers around you just enough to feel

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your dicks are to get hard beneath her hands, but gently because she really wants to feel

168
00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:06,120
you get hard in her mouth.

169
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There's nothing like that feeling.

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Oh my God.

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Fuck.

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Okay.

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I really want to suck your cock right now.

174
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:22,780
And I know, I know we agreed when we moved in together that we wouldn't complicate this

175
00:10:22,780 --> 00:10:28,520
by having sex, but, but, but we can do this without it getting weird, right?

176
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We're friends.

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We're both mature, responsible adults.

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And I just, I just really want to give you a blow job.

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So please.

180
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And I'm, I'm not exactly the begging type, but thank God.

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Okay.

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00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:47,120
No, wait, don't sit up.

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00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:50,200
Like I said, I love you at bed angle.

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So lie back down here, take your phone so I can climb up onto the bed.

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00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:06,960
You know, it's a shame we didn't get any shots of this lovely hard cock without your pants

186
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,640
in the way.

187
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It really deserves to be captured accurately.

188
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So open the camera.

189
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,680
We'll do it right now.

190
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:22,320
Here, take a photo of your cock like this from your point of view.

191
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:30,480
Knee on my knees between your legs, wrapping my hands around the base or even better.

192
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:36,080
I'll flip up my skirt, bring my face down and arch my back so you can see my ass in

193
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the picture.

194
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:45,760
Oh, I could even kiss the head a few times, just to really sell the shot.

195
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:55,200
How's that?

196
00:11:55,200 --> 00:12:01,840
Sexy right?

197
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:02,840
Told you I could help.

198
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:03,840
Okay.

199
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:05,720
Switch it to video for me.

200
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:13,600
I love to have a gif of me just staring directly into the camera as I lick your cock for the

201
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:18,600
very first time.

202
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:28,480
Oh God, I love that little noise you made.

203
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:36,440
Lick it again for me.

204
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:43,560
Damn, that's hot.

205
00:12:43,560 --> 00:13:09,120
I have dreamed of wrapping my lips around this cock since the moment we met.

206
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:29,600
You were wearing the same gray sweatpants a day I moved in and I could not stop thinking

207
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,600
about it.

208
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:38,520
Oh, no, do not try to push my head down.

209
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:45,920
You can pull my hair if you like, but remember I am the expert here.

210
00:13:45,920 --> 00:14:12,560
So you follow my instructions, you don't get to set the pace, I do.

211
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:28,520
Do you want to come in my mouth?

212
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:35,560
Because if you had a condom, you could come on my pussy instead.

213
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:42,920
Okay, I guess we're going with the second option, I'll get undressed while you look

214
00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:43,920
for one.

215
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:52,000
Oh God, I did not realize I was this wet.

216
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,000
Got the condom?

217
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,000
Good.

218
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:59,000
Now lay back down so I can ride you.

219
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:14,400
I've been dying to lower myself onto this cock for so long.

220
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:28,400
Oh God, that's good.

221
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:40,360
As you know, every time I've touched myself since I moved in, all this is what I've imagined.

222
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:53,200
You lying underneath me while I pass on your dick, all this, this perfect dick, oh, you

223
00:15:53,200 --> 00:16:02,480
feel like you were made for me, and if I lean forward, I balance my hands on your chest,

224
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:11,360
I bet you had hit that spot right.

225
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:19,400
All those times you walked in on me using my twits, I kept waiting for you to take the

226
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:20,400
hit.

227
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:33,280
You needed me, you needed me to take the first step, you needed some guidance from an expert.

228
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,520
Are you going to come for me?

229
00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:37,520
Yeah?

230
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:46,200
Oh good, good, because I'm going to come all over your cock, but don't come till I say

231
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:47,200
mmhmm.

232
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:53,400
Remember, you're following my instructions, and we're going to come together, okay?

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00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:54,400
Good.

234
00:16:54,400 --> 00:17:05,400
Oh fuck, oh fuck, I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe I waited this long,

235
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,400
we wasted so much time.

236
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:15,560
Oh, we're going to make up for that now though, aren't we, aren't we, yeah, oh, oh, oh, that

237
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:22,560
feels perfect, okay, okay, okay, I'm going to come, I'm going to come, oh, come for me,

238
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:40,760
come for me, come for me, that's it, come for me, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

239
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:49,640
sorry, sorry.

240
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,920
So that happened, what?

241
00:17:51,920 --> 00:18:05,140
No, no, oh, when I offered to help, I was not expecting this to happen, but all that

242
00:18:05,140 --> 00:18:12,500
stuff I said before was true. I really, really do enjoy taking dick pics and yours, yours were

243
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:25,460
terrible. I was just trying to be a good friend, I swear. Which reminds me, we still don't have a

244
00:18:25,460 --> 00:18:35,300
good shot of you holding your cock, do we? Hand me your phone. Let's see if we can capture this

245
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:56,340
little buddy in his little glory, huh?