I'm sorry, baby. You shouldn't have to see me like this. I only... I only ever wanted
to be strong for you. I wanted you to rely on me, but now you can't. I've shown you
who I really am, haven't I? And you can't unsee this. What did you dream I was like?
What did you always say you admired about me? That I'm strong? That I never let
anything get me down? What does it feel like now that you found me out? Fooled you
for a long time, didn't I? I almost made you believe some of that. I made you whole.
Well, for something you dreamed of, and now it's broken. I'm broken. And there is
nothing I can take back. You saw it happen. Why? Why are you next to me? No? Please. Please don't hold me.
You're only holding on to some idea of me that never existed, isn't it? Isn't it
better if you just leave me here? This is how it always ends. Anyways, it's
fitting, fitting that I push you away like this. I don't, I don't, I don't want
to be close to you. I'll hurt you, and none of this is fair. I wish to God
that I could just live on with you the way I almost was. Like, just an idea vague
and tarnished by what this world has made into reality. No, I told you. Why do
you insist on this? No one, no one will ever help me out of this, don't you?
Don't think you're any different, okay? You don't know how this plays out in the
end, and I do, so just believe me. I have, I've seen this before too many times.
That, exactly that. I have felt exactly those strokes at my arm. I felt exactly
that way of you holding my hand, leaning close to me, and kissing my goddamn
forehead. I know what you think, and I know why this will end up with you
walking out of here or holding a grudge against me until you burst. You, you start
off like this. So caring, tender, right? You believe if you just show me the love
and affection no one else has, somehow you'll turn my mood around, right? And
then what? You imagine I'll lighten up, don't you? You imagine me feeling your
pulse so close to me getting warmer inside every minute from your sweet
signs of intimacy, right? And then you think my heart rate is gonna raise and my
hands will start moving across your body and my tears will stop and my heat will
envelop you and I will grab you firmly and tell you to pin me on the wall and
then I'll wrap my legs around you and tell you how fucking wet you're making
me, right? And what happens when none of this ever comes? When I remain here the
same sobbing, broken fucking mess, I already know the things that you will
try to tell yourself. I know exactly how little you believe in them deep down.
Spare me. Spare us both. Just fucking, just leave me. You finally know what
you're getting yourself into. I won't satiate you by going down on you or
getting giggly with laughter with you. I'll be this. And you don't want this. You
want a girlfriend capable of giving you what you want, what you have a bodily
need for, and I can't do that. So leave me. Leave me. Don't stand here and
prolong the inevitable. Don't try telling yourself that you will be any
different. What? That doesn't matter anymore. We just have to keep... We've done
that, baby. It didn't lead us anywhere. It led us right here, which is nowhere.
Square one, square none. Do you even... You love me? That sounds good. Yeah, but this
isn't some story. This is us. Do you think your love can take you through
this? For how long? Where is the point that you just give up and leave it all
behind? I'm not that girl in your dreams. I'm not horny and cheerful. I'm not
grateful for every second of this life or at peace with myself. I'm not
your problem. Do you? Love me. Again, you said it. I can't say it. Not yet. I'm not
like you. I'm not emotionally mature or any of that other fucking impossible
shit people should be if they want to be ready for a relationship. I love you.
Fuck. I said it. Didn't... Did it make any difference to you? You said... I've said it
to myself, but it's... It's hard, okay? Look, you cannot just expect me to say
that to you every day like I know you want. And please don't lie. You want
somebody who's already dealt with all this shit. Why do you bother with me? You
try. You still stick with that. You make that sound so simple and I don't know
what I even want anymore. Baby, I'm sorry. I'm so disrespectful. Please just hold me.
I'll make it up to you somehow. Maybe I'll let you lean on me tomorrow. Maybe I'll
wake up from this and it'll all be a dream, right? You wouldn't want that. Why not? Do you
think this was a pretty sight? I just don't understand you sometimes. Really? Hearing
me say that was important to you? Thank you. I can't say it didn't take a lot of effort, so thank you for being patient with me. Can I kiss you
again? We just have to keep trying, okay? I know... I know I just made fun of that,
but in all its simplicity, it's true. You know, it's the only thing we can do and I
want to keep doing it with you and it's okay if you get frustrated, baby, and it's
even okay if you get resentful. I want to have you with me like this, no matter
what you happen to be. You think I, of all people, sound emotionally
mature? I love you. I said it again. Look, just don't get too used to it. Thank you, baby.
You hold me. Do you want some coffee?