1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:19,000 Hey! Good morning. Actually, it's already noon, but whatever. I know that it's so weird 2 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:27,880 that I'm leaving you a voicemail right now, but if I call you right now to meet up and 3 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:40,920 to explain and say what I want to say, I feel like I'll just melt into you once again. 4 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:45,640 I'll just take one look at you and decide differently, and I'll look into those beautiful 5 00:00:45,640 --> 00:01:01,680 eyes, and that charming smile, and I will be lost all over again. I'll hear you laugh, 6 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:09,440 and suddenly, I'll want to stay there with you. I'll eat up my own words and take everything 7 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:20,800 back. I won't want to leave, so instead of all that, I'll just give you this stupid voicemail 8 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:28,320 to listen to, and that way, I won't have to look at you in the eye. That way, I won't 9 00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:49,240 have to hear your voice, and I'll be able to say what I want to say. There's no easy 10 00:01:49,240 --> 00:02:02,080 way to say this, and I can't ease this to you as gentle as I would like, so I'll just 11 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:14,560 say I'm sure you noticed how distant I've gotten, and how sparingly I've replied back 12 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:26,200 to your texts, and if I do reply, I don't really do, so with the same enthusiasm I had 13 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:31,720 before whenever you asked to hang out or chill at the coffee shop, maybe I'll have a few 14 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:41,560 drinks here and there, but I would always say I'm busy with all your questions. I'd 15 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:48,960 lie through my teeth, I'll make up some kind of excuse to explain why I've been so busy, 16 00:02:48,960 --> 00:03:09,040 but even when I'm not... fuck, why is this so difficult to... I don't want to do this. 17 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:25,240 It hurts me to do this, but I know I have to. I have to do this. Trust me, I don't want 18 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:31,120 to... I didn't want it to come to this. I wanted to keep talking to you. I wanted to 19 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:39,160 spend more time with you to learn more about you. Fuck, you have this warmth to you that 20 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:50,720 makes it so easy for me to talk to you. You make it so easy. You make it so effortless. 21 00:03:50,720 --> 00:04:01,520 It made me want to stay with you no matter what. That feeling that I have with you, I 22 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:09,880 never wanted to be separated from it, but if I keep doing that and I ignore the feeling 23 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:21,520 that I keep holding back, it's just gonna hurt me more. You're probably so lost right 24 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:32,360 now, aren't you? You have no idea what I'm talking about. I won't hold it against you. 25 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:38,600 All these things came out of the blue just like you did. Very much like how you came 26 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:59,520 into my life. Oh God. Here's the truth. I have feelings for you. I know that sounds 27 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:09,280 so stupid right now. I always went on and on and on and on and on. I know how feelings 28 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:19,640 are gross and disgusting and here I am. Here I am confessing to you over a stupid voicemail. 29 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:24,520 But I know I also said having feelings is okay. I shouldn't be ashamed of it. It's natural. 30 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:34,680 It's how the world works. And so here I am hoping you'd somehow listen. No, I need you 31 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:40,400 to listen. I need you to listen. Seriously, there's no reason for me to be so nervous 32 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:54,480 right now. But I think I feel this way. This nervousness inside me. I feel this because 33 00:05:54,480 --> 00:06:00,120 I know you don't feel the same. I know that you don't feel the same. Out of all people, 34 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:05,160 I should know that. For fuck's sake, I became your therapist. Don't get me wrong. Don't 35 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:15,680 get me wrong. I want to rant with you. I want you to vent to me as much as you want. It 36 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:22,000 gave me some reassurance that you had trusted me enough to open up about your deepest fears 37 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:26,920 and your thoughts, but then you mentioned her and you never stopped. And I should have 38 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:30,600 seen it coming. Honestly, I should have known. I should have known you weren't completely 39 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:38,000 over her for some reason. I kept hoping you are, but maybe it was to ease my mind to somehow 40 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:43,040 tell myself that maybe just maybe just maybe I had a chance for you, but unfortunately 41 00:06:43,040 --> 00:07:02,080 that's not the case. I do anything just for things to go back to the way it was. You remember 42 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:10,040 that, right? You remember that? When we shamelessly flirted back and forth with each other, when 43 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:18,040 we messaged each other without worrying, and the next would come when we would spend time 44 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:25,960 with each other's company without frantically coming up with conversation topics. We didn't 45 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:30,160 have to worry about feelings getting involved because there was nothing between us. We were 46 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:35,760 just friends. We're just friends. Friends don't have feelings for each other, not feelings 47 00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:48,880 in that way anyways, but I blame myself, you know, because I'm the dumbass who fell for 48 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:59,080 you when we were just playing around. Me, I'm the dumbass. Why did my feelings have 49 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:06,680 to get in the way? It's so stupid. Every day, every fucking day, I wake up and I wonder 50 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:11,760 why of all people, why, why did it have to be you? Why did I have to have feelings for 51 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:18,800 someone who clearly is not ready for somebody new? And it sucks. It sucks pretending that 52 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:23,840 I'm all right whenever you mention her fucking name. It sucks pretending that it doesn't 53 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:34,480 hurt me when all you think about is her. It hurts. It hurts when you say how much happier 54 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:48,720 you were then and how you're struggling to be happy. It hurts. It hurts to see that while 55 00:08:48,720 --> 00:09:09,200 I'm here loving you, you're still loving her, but it doesn't feel right complaining. Like, 56 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:14,240 I don't have the right to feel this way. I should let you feel how you want to feel. 57 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:19,520 I shouldn't be invalidating your feelings, but then you'd call me and you'd text me and 58 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:23,520 you asked to hang out so suddenly and I forget all that pain. You would ask how my day went 59 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:39,840 and crack up some dry joke and I would fucking fall for you. I'd fall for you all over again. 60 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:46,400 The image of that sad broken person who had come to me crying because of those bittersweet 61 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:52,800 memories is erased and suddenly you're that cheerful and happy person I first met. Again, 62 00:09:52,800 --> 00:10:00,240 you're smiling you're telling me about your day and I want to do the same. I'd love to 63 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:05,320 tell you that my day went well, that I'm all right, that I don't feel sad at all, but I 64 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:19,280 am a bad liar. You know this. I am a bad liar and you would see right through me. You have 65 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:25,800 no idea how many times I wanted to break my silence and tell you everything. I want to 66 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:36,280 tell you multiple times what I feel and I want to tell you that I'm not all right, that 67 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:48,760 I do feel sad. But if I do say that, I would have to tell you why and that wouldn't be 68 00:10:48,760 --> 00:11:00,280 fair on you because the reason I feel sad most days is because of you. I'm sad because 69 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:19,200 of you, but I can't tell you that, can I? It would only make you feel sad and I don't 70 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:29,160 want that. You didn't do anything wrong. I was just naive. I imagined myself as your 71 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:37,760 savior, the one who would save you from all your misery and sadness, the one who would 72 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:46,520 take all that pain and those bittersweet memories, the one who would eventually help you get 73 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:51,920 over her, but the world doesn't work like that. No, you are still hung up on her and 74 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:59,840 no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you're not you still are and I hate it. 75 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:09,080 I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate that I want you. I hate that the first thing in 76 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:15,960 the morning I do is check my phone that you messaged me. I hate that I look into my phone 77 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:21,360 various times of the day to see if you messaged me and if you even thought about me and how 78 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:26,800 disappointed I feel when those things don't happen. I hate that my happiness depends on 79 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:33,600 you. I hate when I feel frustrated from a simple message. A simple message from you 80 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:38,920 would make my day and whenever I hear your voice, suddenly I feel like I can conquer 81 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:50,040 the world. I hate that 3 a.m. comes along and all that I think about is you and all 82 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:56,880 you think about is her. I hate the fact that I cried for you. I cried because of you. I'm 83 00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:10,200 not going to do that to myself, not anymore. So right now I choose to go away. Right now 84 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:21,480 I choose myself. I'm going to cut off. I'm going to cut off all my connections with you 85 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:28,760 because I know that if I stay, my feelings would just get stronger. I won't be able to 86 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:40,360 move on. So I'm going to cut you off. I'm stopping them now. I don't want to go away. 87 00:13:40,360 --> 00:14:00,000 I really don't, but I have to. Don't worry. This isn't the end. At least that's what I'm 88 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:12,960 hoping for anyway. Maybe one day we'll meet again. I'm not so jealous. I'm not so broken 89 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:20,440 and you're not so broken. Maybe one day we'll be right for each other. It won't be so hard 90 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:28,320 for you to love me. I really hope that one day we'll reconnect because no one has ever 91 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:38,920 got my heart in quite the same way. Maybe one day we'll find each other again and everything 92 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:49,560 will just fall into place. But that day isn't today. No, today you're too broken and I'm 93 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:55,040 too jealous and today we don't quite work out as much as I care for you. As much as 94 00:14:55,040 --> 00:15:03,520 I care for you, I can't keep pretending that we do, that we will work out. Fuck, I built 95 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:10,080 up such a fantasy of you in my eye, in my head, and even when I know that reality has 96 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:17,000 a different path for us, I still, I tried to think positive. You know, maybe everything 97 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:25,960 will turn out okay. Maybe if by some miracle you'd finally look at me the same way I did 98 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:41,680 with you. But I can't keep pretending that everything is all right. I can't. I really 99 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:49,120 can't do that. I'd love to be there for you whenever you're having those thoughts. I'd 100 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:56,440 love to be there with you and hear your frustration and rants. I'd love to comfort you and offer 101 00:15:56,440 --> 00:16:01,240 you a shoulder to lean on. I'll sit there with you and reassure you and say a few words 102 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:10,560 and hopefully that would make the pain go away. I want you to be okay again. I want 103 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:28,360 you to feel better again. I really, I really want you, I want you to feel ready to let 104 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:35,200 someone else be a part of your life without worrying about those that left you behind. 105 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:44,000 I'd wish that it was me hurting and said, only to realize that I am hurting, I am hurting. 106 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:50,840 Because while you're there wanting her, I want to do, I want you, I want you, I want 107 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:58,920 you, but I can't. How can I be so selfish and insert myself into your life when you're 108 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:04,640 hurting like this? How can I tell you how to feel when you're feeling this way for somebody 109 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:15,840 else? It's too selfish. It's too selfish of me to do that. I can't do that for you. 110 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:21,280 I can't force you to move on that fast ever. Instead, I just sit there with you and I keep 111 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:27,040 you company while you lay out everything to me and it hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Every 112 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:35,840 time you recall a time when you were truly happy, it hurts every time you were, you were 113 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:42,480 telling me you're not happy right now. And it made me wonder if you were even happy all 114 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:47,800 those times we spent together. Was it a lie? Was it a lie? Were you smiling and laughing 115 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:54,880 just for the sake of it? It makes me wonder if you genuinely enjoy my company too. I wonder 116 00:17:54,880 --> 00:18:00,000 if you even wanted my company if you only spent time with me because I was available 117 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:07,440 at the time. You have no idea how many times I wish that I would just stop thinking about 118 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:15,520 you. And maybe, maybe it's my fault for getting attached so quickly, but I thought about it. 119 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:20,640 You know, I asked myself, should I just wait? Maybe, just maybe if I wait long enough, then 120 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:26,000 you'll learn to eventually forget about her. Maybe if I stay longer, then you'll see me. 121 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:33,280 Maybe you'll realize that I'm here, that I've always been here by your side. I was, I was 122 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:38,560 ready to risk it all. I figured that that waiting would be worth it, especially if the 123 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:43,600 person I'm waiting for is you, but then hours turn to days, days turn to weeks, weeks to 124 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:52,640 months, and I got tired. I got tired. I am tired. I am so tired. And it was the same 125 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:57,600 old thing every time. And we're stuck in the same routine. And I asked myself, when I asked 126 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:03,280 myself why you're sad, it's always because of her. I became the person you rely on when 127 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:07,920 it's 3 a.m. and you're heartbroken. And obviously, there's nothing wrong with that. As I said, 128 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:12,800 I'd love to be the person you rely on, but I'm not going to let myself wait for you for 129 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:19,680 years. I, I refuse to be that person. I refuse to associate my happiness with someone else. 130 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:29,360 It's such a cruel fate we have, don't you think? You're heartbroken, and I'm the one who fell in 131 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:35,840 love with the person who's heartbroken. I can't take it anymore. I can't keep pretending that I 132 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:46,800 don't feel hurt when you mention her. So I have my limits. So I'll stare at you from a distance 133 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:53,040 because I know I can't have you. And I hope, I hope that one day when I look into your eyes, 134 00:19:53,040 --> 00:20:00,960 I see love. And not love for someone else, but love for me. I hope that one day you smile, 135 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:07,200 and it's because of me, that you go about your day and suddenly you flash that charming smile, 136 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:14,800 and it's because you thought of me. But those things are so far-fetched right now. They all 137 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:20,320 seem like dreams, things that don't happen. Those things don't happen when my eyes are open. Those 138 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:32,480 are just dreams. No. I'm so sick of always being the backup plan, the second choice, the one you 139 00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:38,080 run to when there's no one else to run off to. I'm sick of always being the one to take care of 140 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:45,760 others. I'm not doing this to be mean. Please. Please don't ever think that way. I just... 141 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:53,680 I just this time, just this time, I want to take care of myself too. 142 00:20:55,520 --> 00:21:03,120 I spent all this time taking care of others that I forgot to take care of myself. I have pushed my 143 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:11,200 self-worth. I've pushed it so far down as it could go because I believed a miracle would happen 144 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:17,200 between the two of us, and I refuse. I refuse to push it down any further. 145 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:33,120 I'm gonna miss you. I'm really, really gonna miss you. I'll miss your stories and how you would go 146 00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:41,680 into detail so I could just understand, even if that meant repeating it over and over again. I'll 147 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:49,600 miss your smile, the way your shoulder would just casually bump into mine when we're walking 148 00:21:49,600 --> 00:22:03,600 side by side. I'll miss the way your eyes would light up when you talk about the things you love. 149 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:14,720 I'll miss your laugh and those dumb stupid jokes and your humor, how fucking dry you are. 150 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:23,760 And yet, despite how stupid they are, and how stupid you are, I still love them. 151 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:36,800 I still love you. I said it. I fucking said it. Fuck. I promised myself that I would never say 152 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:45,680 those words again, let alone right now, but I won't take it back as much as I would love to say that 153 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:53,520 I don't love you. I do love you. I love you so much. I love you so much that it's frustrating 154 00:22:53,520 --> 00:23:07,520 because I know you don't. I know you don't. I spend late nights thinking about you. And every night 155 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:17,120 when I eventually fall asleep, I dream about you. My dreams were infiltrated by the thought of you. 156 00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:24,480 I would wish that they never end, but I do think it's time to finally wake up, you know, 157 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:34,240 I need to accept that I don't have a chance with you. I don't want to lose you. But if losing you 158 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:47,600 means saving myself from all the pain I'm about to experience, then I'd rather lose you than myself. 159 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:55,840 So this time I'm saying goodbye. This time I'm letting you go. 160 00:23:55,840 --> 00:24:02,240 It's so silly to say that because I don't think I ever had you. 161 00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:08,960 I treasure those moments we had together. 162 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:16,480 I will carry them in my heart until I am strong enough to let those memories go, too. 163 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:21,680 But I think it's time. 164 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:34,560 I'm saying goodbye, but maybe one day I will have to.