Okay, so I'm back for more of the Grimm's fairy tales made gay.
We left off on how Rumpelstilts held out in vain for a bonus.
So the next one, how Jack made the Giants uncommonly sore.
You may hear my cat throughout this, just an FYI.
She's been a little needy recently, but alright.
So just like before, this is just a cold read.
How Jack made the Giants uncommonly sore.
Of all the ill-fated boys ever created, young Jack was the richest lad.
An emphatic, erratic, dogmatic fanatic was foisted upon him as a dad.
And from the time he could walk, and before he could talk, his wearisome training began
on a highly barbarian, disciplinarian, nearly tartarian plan.
He taught him some Raylai, he taught him some Macaulay, till all the hordes he knew, and
the drastic, sarcastic, fantastic, scholastic Philippines of Junas too.
He made him learn lots of the poems of Watts, and frequently he ignored on any principle
any son's title to Benson's, till he learned Tencin's Maud.
For these are the Giants of thought and science, he said in a positive way.
So weigh them, obey them, display them, and lay them to heart into your infant's day.
Jack made no reply, but he said on the sly an eloquent word that he had come, from a
quite indefensible, most reprehensible, but indispensable chum.
By the time he was twenty, Jack had such a plenty of books of paternal advice, though
seedy and needy indeed he was greedy for vengeance whatever the price.
In editor's seat of critical sheet he found the revenge that he sought, and with sterling
appliance of mind he wrote defiance of all the Giants of thought.
He'd thunder and grumble at high and at humble, until he became in a while, mordacious, pugnacious,
rapacious, good-gracious, they called him the Yankee Carlisle.
But he never took rest on his quarrelsome quest of the Giants, both mighty and small.
He slayed it, distorted them, hanged them, and quartered them, till he had slaughtered
them all.
And this is the moral that lies in the verse.
If you have a go farther, you're apt to fair worse.
When you turn it around, it is rather different.
You are not apt to go worse if you have a fair father.
Now this one is how rudeness and kindness were justly rewarded.
Once on a time, long ago, just when I quite forgot, two maidens lived beside the Poe, one
blonde and one brunette.
The blonde one's character was mild, from morning until night she smiled, whereas the
one whose hair was brown did little else than pine and frown.
I think one ought to draw the line at girls who always frown and pine.
The blonde one learned to play the harp like all accomplished dames, and trained her voice
to take C-sharp as well as Emma Ames, made baskets out of scented grass and paperweights
of hammered brass, and lots of other odds and ends for gentlemen and lady-friends.
I think it takes a great deal of sense to manufacture such gifts for gents.
The dark one wore an air of gloom, proclaimed the world a boar, and took her breakfast in
a room three mornings out of four.
With crankiness she seemed imbued, and everything she said was rude.
She sniffed, she sneered, and what is more, when very much provoked, she swore.
I think that I could never care for any girl who learned to swear.
One day the blonde was striding past a forest all alone, when all at once her eyes she cast
upon a wrinkled crone, who tottered near with shaking knees and said, A penny, if you please,
and you will learn with some surprise that this was a fairy in disguise.
I think it must be hard to know a fairy who is incognito.
The maiden filled her trembling palms with coinage from the realm.
The fairy said, Take back your alms.
My heart they overwhelm.
Henceforth at every word shall slip a pearl or a ruby from your lip.
And when the girl got home that night she found the fairy's words were right.
I think there are not many girls whose words are worth their weight in pearls.
It happened that the cross-burnet ten minutes later came along the self's same road she
met that bent and wrinkled dame.
Who asked her humbly for a sow, the girl replied, Get out with you.
The fairy cried each word you dropped, a tone out of your mouth shall hop.
I think nothing accommodates one speech like uninvited toads.
And so it was the cheerful blonde lived on in joy and bliss and grew penuncious beyond
the dreams of Avarice.
Avarice that must be it.
Just a quick google I promise.
Okay it's extreme greed for wealth or material gain.
Okay I think it's Avarice.
Avarice.
Avarice.
Okay.
We all learned that today.
And grew penuncious beyond the dreams of Avarice.
And to a nice young man was wed and I have often heard it said no other man who ever
walked most loved his wife when she most talked.
I think this very fact for sooth goes far to prove I tell the truth.
The cross brunette, the fairy's joke by hook or croak survived but still at every word
she spoke an ugly toad arrived until at last she had to come to feigning she was wholly
dumb where out the suitors swarmed around and soon a wet themate was found.
I think nobody ever knew the happier husband of the two.
Okay there's a bit of French here again but okay.
The moral of the tale is, blah, nous avons changé de c'est la.
No clear idea I hope to strike of what your nicest girl is like but she whose best young
man I am is not an oyster or a clam.
Oh I'm getting a little warm.
So next one, how beauty contrived to get square with the beast, I believe, all right.
Miss Genevieve, Genevieve Platt was so beautiful that she couldn't remember the day when on
one of her swings hadn't taken the pains to send her a mammoth bouquet and the postman
had found on the whole of his round that no one received such a lot of bulky espadots
as waiting his whistles the beautiful Genevieve got.
A significant sign that her charm was divine was seen in society when the chaperones sniffed
with their eyebrows a lift wherever's got into the men.
There was always a man who was holding her fan at 28 that danced in details and a couple
of mourners who brooded in the corners and nodded their mustache and nails.
John Jeremy Platt wouldn't stay in the flat for his beautiful daughter he missed.
When he'd taken his tub he would hide in his club and dally with poker or whist.
At the end of the year it was pretty clear that he'd never computed the cost for he hadn't
a penny to settle the many of tens of thousands of dollars he'd lost.
A Ferdinand Fife was a student of life.
He was coarse and excessively fat with a beard like a goat's but he held all the notes of
ruined John Jeremy Platt with an adamant smile that was brimming with guile.
He said, I am took with the face of your beautiful daughter and wed me she, wed me she otter
to save you from utter disgrace.
Miss Genevier Platt didn't hesitate at her duty's peritive call.
When they looked at the bridal the chaperones cried she isn't so bad after all.
Of the desolate men there was something like ten who took up political lives and flower
of the flock went and fell off the dock and the rest married hideous wives.
But the beautiful wife of F. Ferdinand Fife was the wildest that ever was known.
She grumbled and glared till the man didn't dare to say his soul was his own.
She sneered at his ills and quadruples his bills and spent nearly twice what he earned.
Her husband deserted and frivoled and flirted till Ferdinand's reason was turned.
He repented too late and his terrible fate upon him so heavily sat that he swore at the
day when he sat down to play at cards with John Jeremy Platt.
He was dead in the year and the fair Genevier and society sparkled again with chaperones
fluttered their fans as they marvelled she's getting exceedingly plain.
All right the moral predicaments often are found that beautiful duty is apt to get round
but greedy extortioners better beware for dutiful beauty is apt to get spare square.
Okay how a fair one no hope to his highness accorded.
She has slid down the channels of history's annals disguised as a king as the child of
a king but that is a glib an iniquitous fib for she was never such a thing.
They called her the fair one with golden locks and it's true she had lovers who swarmed
in flocks but the rest is ironic her business Karonik was selling hair tonic by bottle and
box from the dawn to the gloaming she used to sit calming her hair in a languorous way
and her suitors would stop and look at her look into the shop and stand there for the
rest of the day.
She'd fill them with mute but with deep despair for she would never glance up with a smile
to wear they stood about crushing each other and blushing she simply kept brushing her
beautiful hair but a prince who is passing engaged in amassing some facts on American
life was suddenly struck by the fact that his luck might give him that girl for a wife
his rashness he didn't attempt to excuse he entered the shop and he stated his views remarking
my jewel I'm confident you will not wish to be cruel enough to refuse most winsome
of creatures he told her your features had led me to candidly say that no other best
would I have for a bride will be married a week from today I belong to a long and titled
line and the least of your wishes I wouldn't decline next month I will usher my wife into
Russia sweet comber and brush her consider your mind she looked at him squarely considered
him fairly her glance was as keen as knife then she turned up her nose and with icy repose
she answered well not on your life you're not on the paper you're not on the paper the
only blot do you think I come 12 in a parcel what me pose as your dairy oh go and chase
Piri you're making me weary now get he got
the crowd that had waited outside was elated so much by the prince's mischance that they
greeted with jeers and ironical cheers the end of his little romance they said did it
hurt when the ground you hit and they searched for some mark where the prince had lit and
as he grew colder they only grew bolder and tapped on his shoulder with tag your head
the lengthy discussion that sensitive Russian compiled on the USA was read by the maid as
she carelessly played with their beautiful hair one day the talk you hear in that primitive
land he wrote nobody can understand as somebody who got him she said has stuffed him and easily
bluffed him to be the band tomorrow the people across the brine are exceedingly strong on
all the line sign but they are lost in the push when they strike a gang that is strong
on American new line slang okay how Thomas a maid from a dragon released though Philip
the second of France was reckoned no coward his breath came short when they told him a
dragon as big as a wagon was waiting below the court a dragon so long and wide and so
fat that he couldn't get in at the door to chat the king couldn't leave him outside and
grieve him he had to receive him upon the mat the dragon bowed nicely and said very
concisely he stated the reason he called he made the disclosure with fridged composure
King Philip was simply appalled he demanded for eating a fortnight apart the monarchs
ten daughters all dear to his heart and now you'll produce he concluded the juicy and
succulent Lucy by way of the start
King Philip was pliant and far from defined and servile no doubt you retort but if you
struck a snag on a bottle of a bottle green dragon who filled up two-thirds of your court
and curled up his tail on your new tin roof and made your pizzazz grown under his hoof
would you threaten and thunder or just knuckle under completely I wonder if I put it to proof
by way of a truce he brought out Lucy and watched her conducted away but all of the
others were out with their brothers this gaining a little delay he promised though through
heralds sent west and east his crown and his kingdom and last not least his daughter so
slightly to anyone nightly who'd come and politely wipe out that beast for love of the
charmer arrayed in his armor each suitor for glory who yearned would gallantly hasten to
the dragon to chasten but none of them ever returned when the dragon had eaten some sixteen
score he hung up the sign on the cavern door where he lay pronely in majesty lonely their
standing room only for three nights more a slim adolescent his beard only crescent rode
up at the stage of the game to where the old sinner lay gorged on his dinner and breathing
out torrents of flame he gathered a tip from the from the flaunting sign and took his position
the fourth in line until as foreboded by food and commoted the dragon exploded at half past
nine the king was delighted at first when he cited the victor but then in dismay regarded
his promise the stripling was thomas his majesty valet de paix he asked him at once will you
compromise but thomas looked straight in his masters eyes and answered him severely i see
your game clearly and scorn it sincerely hand out the prize not long did he linger before
on the finger of lucy he fitted a ring a month or two later they made him dictator in place
of the elderly king he was lauded by pulpit and boomed by the press and no one had ever
a chance to guess behold this hero who ruled like a nero his valor was zero or something
less the moral and still from nice to kelly's oh it's probably nice nice to kelly's discretion's
the better part of the valley's that was i think i might end it there yeah i think i'm
gonna end it there it's about 20 minutes and a bit more through the grim's tales made gay
so there you are some more funny fairy tales