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Okay, so I'm back for more of the Grimm's fairy tales made gay.

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We left off on how Rumpelstilts held out in vain for a bonus.

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So the next one, how Jack made the Giants uncommonly sore.

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You may hear my cat throughout this, just an FYI.

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She's been a little needy recently, but alright.

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So just like before, this is just a cold read.

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How Jack made the Giants uncommonly sore.

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Of all the ill-fated boys ever created, young Jack was the richest lad.

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An emphatic, erratic, dogmatic fanatic was foisted upon him as a dad.

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And from the time he could walk, and before he could talk, his wearisome training began

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on a highly barbarian, disciplinarian, nearly tartarian plan.

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He taught him some Raylai, he taught him some Macaulay, till all the hordes he knew, and

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the drastic, sarcastic, fantastic, scholastic Philippines of Junas too.

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He made him learn lots of the poems of Watts, and frequently he ignored on any principle

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any son's title to Benson's, till he learned Tencin's Maud.

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For these are the Giants of thought and science, he said in a positive way.

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So weigh them, obey them, display them, and lay them to heart into your infant's day.

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Jack made no reply, but he said on the sly an eloquent word that he had come, from a

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quite indefensible, most reprehensible, but indispensable chum.

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By the time he was twenty, Jack had such a plenty of books of paternal advice, though

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seedy and needy indeed he was greedy for vengeance whatever the price.

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In editor's seat of critical sheet he found the revenge that he sought, and with sterling

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appliance of mind he wrote defiance of all the Giants of thought.

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He'd thunder and grumble at high and at humble, until he became in a while, mordacious, pugnacious,

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rapacious, good-gracious, they called him the Yankee Carlisle.

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But he never took rest on his quarrelsome quest of the Giants, both mighty and small.

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He slayed it, distorted them, hanged them, and quartered them, till he had slaughtered

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them all.

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And this is the moral that lies in the verse.

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If you have a go farther, you're apt to fair worse.

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When you turn it around, it is rather different.

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You are not apt to go worse if you have a fair father.

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Now this one is how rudeness and kindness were justly rewarded.

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Once on a time, long ago, just when I quite forgot, two maidens lived beside the Poe, one

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blonde and one brunette.

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The blonde one's character was mild, from morning until night she smiled, whereas the

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one whose hair was brown did little else than pine and frown.

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I think one ought to draw the line at girls who always frown and pine.

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The blonde one learned to play the harp like all accomplished dames, and trained her voice

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to take C-sharp as well as Emma Ames, made baskets out of scented grass and paperweights

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of hammered brass, and lots of other odds and ends for gentlemen and lady-friends.

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I think it takes a great deal of sense to manufacture such gifts for gents.

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The dark one wore an air of gloom, proclaimed the world a boar, and took her breakfast in

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a room three mornings out of four.

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With crankiness she seemed imbued, and everything she said was rude.

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She sniffed, she sneered, and what is more, when very much provoked, she swore.

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I think that I could never care for any girl who learned to swear.

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One day the blonde was striding past a forest all alone, when all at once her eyes she cast

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upon a wrinkled crone, who tottered near with shaking knees and said, A penny, if you please,

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and you will learn with some surprise that this was a fairy in disguise.

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I think it must be hard to know a fairy who is incognito.

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The maiden filled her trembling palms with coinage from the realm.

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The fairy said, Take back your alms.

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My heart they overwhelm.

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Henceforth at every word shall slip a pearl or a ruby from your lip.

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And when the girl got home that night she found the fairy's words were right.

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I think there are not many girls whose words are worth their weight in pearls.

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It happened that the cross-burnet ten minutes later came along the self's same road she

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met that bent and wrinkled dame.

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Who asked her humbly for a sow, the girl replied, Get out with you.

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The fairy cried each word you dropped, a tone out of your mouth shall hop.

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I think nothing accommodates one speech like uninvited toads.

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And so it was the cheerful blonde lived on in joy and bliss and grew penuncious beyond

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the dreams of Avarice.

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Avarice that must be it.

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Just a quick google I promise.

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Okay it's extreme greed for wealth or material gain.

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Okay I think it's Avarice.

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Avarice.

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Avarice.

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Okay.

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We all learned that today.

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And grew penuncious beyond the dreams of Avarice.

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And to a nice young man was wed and I have often heard it said no other man who ever

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walked most loved his wife when she most talked.

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I think this very fact for sooth goes far to prove I tell the truth.

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The cross brunette, the fairy's joke by hook or croak survived but still at every word

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she spoke an ugly toad arrived until at last she had to come to feigning she was wholly

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dumb where out the suitors swarmed around and soon a wet themate was found.

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I think nobody ever knew the happier husband of the two.

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Okay there's a bit of French here again but okay.

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The moral of the tale is, blah, nous avons changé de c'est la.

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No clear idea I hope to strike of what your nicest girl is like but she whose best young

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man I am is not an oyster or a clam.

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Oh I'm getting a little warm.

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So next one, how beauty contrived to get square with the beast, I believe, all right.

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Miss Genevieve, Genevieve Platt was so beautiful that she couldn't remember the day when on

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one of her swings hadn't taken the pains to send her a mammoth bouquet and the postman

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had found on the whole of his round that no one received such a lot of bulky espadots

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as waiting his whistles the beautiful Genevieve got.

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A significant sign that her charm was divine was seen in society when the chaperones sniffed

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with their eyebrows a lift wherever's got into the men.

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There was always a man who was holding her fan at 28 that danced in details and a couple

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of mourners who brooded in the corners and nodded their mustache and nails.

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John Jeremy Platt wouldn't stay in the flat for his beautiful daughter he missed.

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When he'd taken his tub he would hide in his club and dally with poker or whist.

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At the end of the year it was pretty clear that he'd never computed the cost for he hadn't

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a penny to settle the many of tens of thousands of dollars he'd lost.

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A Ferdinand Fife was a student of life.

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He was coarse and excessively fat with a beard like a goat's but he held all the notes of

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ruined John Jeremy Platt with an adamant smile that was brimming with guile.

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He said, I am took with the face of your beautiful daughter and wed me she, wed me she otter

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to save you from utter disgrace.

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Miss Genevier Platt didn't hesitate at her duty's peritive call.

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When they looked at the bridal the chaperones cried she isn't so bad after all.

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Of the desolate men there was something like ten who took up political lives and flower

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of the flock went and fell off the dock and the rest married hideous wives.

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But the beautiful wife of F. Ferdinand Fife was the wildest that ever was known.

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She grumbled and glared till the man didn't dare to say his soul was his own.

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She sneered at his ills and quadruples his bills and spent nearly twice what he earned.

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Her husband deserted and frivoled and flirted till Ferdinand's reason was turned.

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He repented too late and his terrible fate upon him so heavily sat that he swore at the

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day when he sat down to play at cards with John Jeremy Platt.

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He was dead in the year and the fair Genevier and society sparkled again with chaperones

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fluttered their fans as they marvelled she's getting exceedingly plain.

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All right the moral predicaments often are found that beautiful duty is apt to get round

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but greedy extortioners better beware for dutiful beauty is apt to get spare square.

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Okay how a fair one no hope to his highness accorded.

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She has slid down the channels of history's annals disguised as a king as the child of

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a king but that is a glib an iniquitous fib for she was never such a thing.

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They called her the fair one with golden locks and it's true she had lovers who swarmed

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in flocks but the rest is ironic her business Karonik was selling hair tonic by bottle and

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box from the dawn to the gloaming she used to sit calming her hair in a languorous way

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and her suitors would stop and look at her look into the shop and stand there for the

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rest of the day.

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She'd fill them with mute but with deep despair for she would never glance up with a smile

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to wear they stood about crushing each other and blushing she simply kept brushing her

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beautiful hair but a prince who is passing engaged in amassing some facts on American

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life was suddenly struck by the fact that his luck might give him that girl for a wife

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his rashness he didn't attempt to excuse he entered the shop and he stated his views remarking

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my jewel I'm confident you will not wish to be cruel enough to refuse most winsome

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of creatures he told her your features had led me to candidly say that no other best

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would I have for a bride will be married a week from today I belong to a long and titled

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line and the least of your wishes I wouldn't decline next month I will usher my wife into

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Russia sweet comber and brush her consider your mind she looked at him squarely considered

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him fairly her glance was as keen as knife then she turned up her nose and with icy repose

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she answered well not on your life you're not on the paper you're not on the paper the

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only blot do you think I come 12 in a parcel what me pose as your dairy oh go and chase

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Piri you're making me weary now get he got

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the crowd that had waited outside was elated so much by the prince's mischance that they

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greeted with jeers and ironical cheers the end of his little romance they said did it

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hurt when the ground you hit and they searched for some mark where the prince had lit and

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as he grew colder they only grew bolder and tapped on his shoulder with tag your head

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the lengthy discussion that sensitive Russian compiled on the USA was read by the maid as

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she carelessly played with their beautiful hair one day the talk you hear in that primitive

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land he wrote nobody can understand as somebody who got him she said has stuffed him and easily

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bluffed him to be the band tomorrow the people across the brine are exceedingly strong on

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all the line sign but they are lost in the push when they strike a gang that is strong

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on American new line slang okay how Thomas a maid from a dragon released though Philip

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the second of France was reckoned no coward his breath came short when they told him a

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dragon as big as a wagon was waiting below the court a dragon so long and wide and so

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fat that he couldn't get in at the door to chat the king couldn't leave him outside and

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grieve him he had to receive him upon the mat the dragon bowed nicely and said very

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concisely he stated the reason he called he made the disclosure with fridged composure

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King Philip was simply appalled he demanded for eating a fortnight apart the monarchs

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ten daughters all dear to his heart and now you'll produce he concluded the juicy and

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succulent Lucy by way of the start

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King Philip was pliant and far from defined and servile no doubt you retort but if you

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struck a snag on a bottle of a bottle green dragon who filled up two-thirds of your court

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and curled up his tail on your new tin roof and made your pizzazz grown under his hoof

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would you threaten and thunder or just knuckle under completely I wonder if I put it to proof

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by way of a truce he brought out Lucy and watched her conducted away but all of the

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others were out with their brothers this gaining a little delay he promised though through

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heralds sent west and east his crown and his kingdom and last not least his daughter so

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slightly to anyone nightly who'd come and politely wipe out that beast for love of the

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charmer arrayed in his armor each suitor for glory who yearned would gallantly hasten to

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the dragon to chasten but none of them ever returned when the dragon had eaten some sixteen

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score he hung up the sign on the cavern door where he lay pronely in majesty lonely their

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standing room only for three nights more a slim adolescent his beard only crescent rode

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up at the stage of the game to where the old sinner lay gorged on his dinner and breathing

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out torrents of flame he gathered a tip from the from the flaunting sign and took his position

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the fourth in line until as foreboded by food and commoted the dragon exploded at half past

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nine the king was delighted at first when he cited the victor but then in dismay regarded

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his promise the stripling was thomas his majesty valet de paix he asked him at once will you

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compromise but thomas looked straight in his masters eyes and answered him severely i see

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your game clearly and scorn it sincerely hand out the prize not long did he linger before

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on the finger of lucy he fitted a ring a month or two later they made him dictator in place

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of the elderly king he was lauded by pulpit and boomed by the press and no one had ever

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a chance to guess behold this hero who ruled like a nero his valor was zero or something

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less the moral and still from nice to kelly's oh it's probably nice nice to kelly's discretion's

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the better part of the valley's that was i think i might end it there yeah i think i'm

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gonna end it there it's about 20 minutes and a bit more through the grim's tales made gay

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so there you are some more funny fairy tales