Okay, so I got a bunch of requests for more safer work content on my subreddit audio content.
Happy to provide that.
Only problem is I can only talk for so long and I figured just a bunch of rambles would
be something that I couldn't keep up with.
So I came up with an idea.
I don't know if you guys have ever heard of Project Gutenberg, but basically, it's this
online website.
It's www.gutenberg.org, where you can go and all these books are out of copyright.
So I figured I could just read my fucking way through some of these books.
And that's just a world amount of content that's just like so much fucking stuff.
So I peeked around and I found one that tickled my fancy, found it under the humor section.
It is called Grimm Tales Made Gay by Guy Wetmore Carroll.
And it says the release date was October 13th, 2007.
So that's when it must have went out of copyright.
So I'm going to read some of these stories.
I'm going to start with how the babes in the wood showed they couldn't be beaten.
Okay.
A man of kind and noble mind was H. Gustav Hyde, twas would be amiss to add to this a
presence, for he died in full possession of his senses the day before my tale commences.
One half is gold, his four-year-old son Paul was known to win.
And Beatrix, whose age was six, for all the rest came in, perceiving which their uncle
Ben did a thing that people said was splendid, for by the hand he took them and remarked
in accent smooth.
One thing I ask, be mind the task these stricken babies to sue.
My country home is really charming.
I'll teach them all the joys of farming.
When Halkin weak, they finished his creek and watched him do the chores.
And Halof's hid and shouting slid down sloping cellar doors.
Because this life to bliss was equal, the more distressing is the sequel.
Concealing Guile, behind a smile, he took them to a wood, and with severe and most austere
injunctions to be good, he left them seated on a gateway and took his own departure straightaway.
Though much afraid, the children stayed from ten till nearly eight.
At times they wept, at times they slept, but never left the gate until the swift suspicion
crossed them that Uncle Benjen had lost them.
And quite unnerved, young Paul observed, it's like a dreadful dream.
And Uncle Ben has fallen ten percent in my esteem.
Not only did he first usurp us, but now he's left us here on purpose.
For countless years their childish fears have made the reader pale.
For countless years the public's tears have started at the tale.
For countless years much destitution has been expressed for their relation.
So draw a veil across the dale, where stood that ghastly gate.
No need to tell you no full well what was their touching fate.
And now with leaves in each dead little breast was covered by a robin red breast.
But when they found them on the ground, though their life had ceased, quite near to Paul,
they were a small white paper nearly creased.
Because of lack of any merit, behind it ran we disinherit the moral.
If you deeply long to punish one who you've done wrong, though in your life time you may
fail, for there's a will there's a way.
Alright, that was, again, how the babes in the woods showed they couldn't be beaten.
I think I'm also going to read How Fair Cinderella Disposed of Her Shoe.
The vainest girls in forty states were Glyndolin and Gladys Glades, Gladys, Gladys Glades.
The vainest girls in forty states were Glyndolin and Gladys Gates.
They warbled slightly off the air of romantic German songs, and each of them upon her hair
employed the curling tongs, and each with ardour most intense her buxom figure laced,
until her willful want of sense procured a woeful waste for bound to marry titled mates
for Glyndolin and Gladys Gates.
The truth to tell, yet truth to tell, the spines were few of Glyndolin and Gladys too.
So morning, afternoon, and night, upon their sister they were, upon their sister they were
wont to vent their selfish sprite, this is a tongue twister guys, upon their sister they
were wont to vent their selfish sprite, and in the rudest way, for though her name was
Leonore, that's neither here nor, that's neither there nor here, they called her Cinderella
for the kitchen was her sphere, save when the hair she had to do of Glyndolin and Gladys
too.
I don't know if it's Gladys or Gladys, Gladys, I don't know.
Each night to dances and to fetts went Glyndolin and Gladys guests, and Cinderella watched
them go in silks and settles clad, a prince invited them and so they put on all they had,
but one fine night as all alone she watched the flames leap higher, a small and stooping
fairy crone stepped nimbly by the fire, she said the pride upon the grace of Glyndolin
and Gladys Gates.
Until now she had it with a frown called Glyndolin and Gladys down, and ere your fingers you
could snap, there stood before the door, no poultry hired, horse and trap, oh no a coach
and four, and Cinderella fitted out regardless of expense, made both her sisters look at
like look about like 35, 37 cents, the prince with one look at her gown turned Glyndolin
and Gladys down, wall flowers when thus compared to her, but Glyndolin and Gladys were, the
prince but gave them glances hard, no gracious words he said, he scratched their names from
off his card and wrote down hers instead, and where he would bestow his hand he showed
them a trice by handing her the kisses and each of them an ice.
In sudden need of fire and fur both Glyndolin and Gladys, at ten o'clock in discontent
both Glyndolin and Gladys went, their sisters stayed till after two, and when with joy sincere
the prince obtained a crystal shoe by way of souvenir, upon the bridal path he cried
will reign together, since I love you, you must be my bride, he was no slouch that prince,
and into sudden languishments both Glyndolin and Gladys went, the moral, all the girls
on earth exaggerate their proper worth, they think, they think the very shoes they wear
are worth the average millionaire, whereas two pairs in any town can be sold for half
a crown.
I don't think I'm going to edit this that much, y'all can deal with my uh, stumbling
over words, okay, how about, how about little red riding hood came to be eating, how little
red riding hood came to be eating, that sounds like fun, okay, most worthy of praise were
the virtuous ways of little red riding hood's ma, and no one was ever more cautious and
clever than little red riding hood's pa, they never misled for what they said and would
frequently say what they meant, and the way she should go they were careful to show, and
the way they showed her she went, for obedience she was effusively thanked, and for anything
else she was carefully spanked, oh man, thus it, thus isn't strange that red riding hood's
range of virtues steadily grew, that soon she won prizes of different sizes and gold
and components too, and encomiums, I don't know, I don't know that word, let me look
it up, hold on, let's listen to Google say it, encomium, encomium, a speech or piece
of writing that praises someone or something highly, okay, and gold and encomiums too,
is that how she was saying it, encomium, encomium, okay, and gold and encomiums too, as a general
rule she was head of her school and at six she was notably smart, that they gave her
a check for reciting the rec of the Hesperus holy by heart, and you all will applaud her
the more I am sure, when I add that this money she gave to the poor, at eleven this lass
had a Sunday school class, at twelve she wrote a volume of verse, at thirteen she was yearning
for glory and learning to be a professional nurse, to a glorious height the young paragon
might have grown if not nipped in the bud, but the following year struck her smiling
career with a dull and sickening thud, in parentheses here it says, I have shed a great
tear at the thought of her pain and must copy my manuscript over again, okay, not dreaming
of harm, one day on her arm a basket she hung it was filled with jellies and ices and gruel
and spices and chicken legs carefully grilled and savory stew a novel or two she persuaded
a neighbor to loan and a hot water can and a Japanese fan and a bottle of eau de cologne
and the rest of the things that your family fill your room with whatever your chance to
be ill, okay moving on, she expected to find her decrepit but kind old grandmother waiting
her call, but the visage that met her completely upset her it wasn't familiar at all, with
a whitening cheek she started to speak but her peril she instantly saw her grandma had
fled and she tackled instead for merciless paws and maw when the neighbors came running
the wolf to subdue he was licking his chops and red riding hoods too, this terrible tale
some readers will pale and others with horror grow dumb yet it was better I fear he should
get her I just just think what he she might have let's go back to the top at this terrible
tale some readers will pale and others with horror grow dumb and yet it was better I fear
he should get her just think of what she might have become for an infant so keen but a future
have been a woman of awful renown who carried on fights for her feminine rights as the mayor
of an Arkansas town she might have continued the crime of her teens and come to right first
for the big magazines the moral there's nothing much glummer than children's whose talents
appall one much prefers those who are dumber but as for the peregrine small if a swallow
cannot make a summer it can bring on a summery fall yes this book is full of some great virtues
and okay another one okay this is a word I I'm pretty sure I know what it is let me
just Google it real quick yeah okay how the fetishist wish of a pheasant came true let's
just make sure Google tells me I'm saying right I think it's fetishist that's just
that's just oh my god I'm in fucking idiot that's just that's just that's it not fascist
that just that just means silly and pointless so how the fetishist wish pheasant pheasant
wishes of pheasants are never fascists no is it pheasant or peasant when I first read
this I thought it was peasant yeah I think it's peasant there's no age in there it's
peasant okay how the fascist with wish of a peasant came true moving on okay an excellent
peasant of character pleasant once lived in a hut with his wife who was cheerful and docile
but such an old fossil you wouldn't meet twice in your life his notions were all without
reason or rhyme such dullness in any one else for a crime but the folly pig headed to which
he was wedded was so deep embedded it touched the sublime he frequently stated such quite
antiquated and singular doctrines as these do good unto others all men are your brothers
of course he forgot the Chinese he said that all men were made equal and free that's truth
they were born on our side of the sea the truth should be spoken and pledges unbroken
now whereby that token would most of us be one day at his cottage he ate a she ate he
ate in his cottage a fairy stepped up onto the door upon it she hammered and meekly she
stammered a morsel of food I implore he gave her sardines and a biscuit or two and all
she said and replied when her luncheon was through and returned for these dishes of bread
and of fishes the first wishes the first of your wishes I'll make come true that nincompoop
peasant accepted the present as most of us probably would and thanking her bounty to
turn to turn to account he said now I'll do something good I won't ask a thing for myself
for my wife but I'll make all my neighbors with happiness rife whatever their conditions
henceforth physicians and impositions they're rid of for life these very words energetic
the fairies prophetic announcement brought instantly true the singular quickness each
victim of sickness was made better was made over better than new and people who formally
thought they were doomed with almost obstreperous this is like a words lesson
alright that one means noisy and difficult to control obstreperous obstreperous obstreperous
I think I said that right the first time but I'm not entirely sure moving on again it means
noisy and difficult to control obstreperous with almost obstreperous healthiness bloomed
and each with some platitude teeming with gratitude the new attitude life had assumed
our friend satisfaction concerning his action was keen but exceedingly brief the wrathful
condition of every physician in town was suppressing belief professional nurses were plunged in
despair and chemists took passionate fists in the air they called it as dwelling with
violence swelling his greeted repelling was air against air they beat and they battered
they slammed and they shattered and did him such serious harm that after this labor that
after their labors his wife told the neighbors they'd cause her excessive alarm then they
set to work on his various ills and piled him with elements liniments powders and pills
and charged him so dearly that all of them nearly made double the yearly amount of their
bill I'm interested in the moral in this one okay so here it is the moral by the tale is
taught the wish is the father the wish is father to the thought we oftentimes escape
the worst but if the thinking part comes first
the wish is father to the thought okay I'm gonna read it again the wish is the father
to the thought we'd oftentimes escape the worst but the thinking part came first no
no if this but if but the thinking part came first one more time I won't fuck it up this
time the wish is father to the thought we'd oftentimes escape the worst if but the thinking
part came first oh gosh I didn't know this was going to be so difficult I should have
but I didn't rolling right along okay this one's called how hop oh my thumb got rid
of an onus okay I'm not sweating but I feel like I should be a worthy couple man and wife
dragged on a discontented life the reason I should state that it was destitute of joys
was that they had a dozen boys to feed and educate and nothing such patient demands as
having 12 boys on your hands oh for 20 years they tried their best to keep those virgins
neatly dressed and teach them to be good but so much labor it involved that in the end
they both resolved to lose them in a way so nothing apparent and noise like heartlessly
losing his voice oh no I think there's French in this I think that's what it is okay I'm
gonna try it okay so when their sons had gone to bed though bitter tears the couple shed
they laid their little plan okay thought Ben case so fast say quand même the woman said
sure uh just je suis tout blem sa colette observed the man may sack what a case say go sis which
I'm sorry I I was having trouble with English and then they I I'm only gonna assume this
is French because it looks French to me but it could be something fucking else oh my god
okay here we go I have quite admitted to explain they were natives of terrain now I'm gonna
look for terrain is from is that a real place terrain does anybody know oh it is a real
place guess what it is French I'm not an idiot okay cool it's landlocked France okay I've
quite a minute to explain they were natives of terrain I see I must translate thank god
of course it must be done and still your wife of course it must be done and still the wife
remarked it makes me ill you bet replied her mate but we've both of us counted the cost
and the sit and the kids simply have to be lost but while they applauded every word the
youngest of the urchins heard and winked the other eye his height was only two feet three
I might remark in passing he was little but oh my he added I'd better keep my mum he was
foxy was hop oh my they took the boys into the woods and lost him as they said they should
and came back and silenced back alas for them hop up my home at every step had dropped a
crumb and so retraced the track while parents sat mourning their fate he led the boys in
at the gate he placed his hand upon his heart and said you think you're awfully smart but
I have foiled you thus his parents humbly bent the knee and meekly said H-O-M-T you're
one too much for us and both of them solemnly swore we won't never do so no more see the
moral here okay while I do not endeavor to condone the plot I still maintain that one
should have no chance of being foiled and having one's arrangement spoiled by one's
ingenious son if you turn down your children with pain take care take care they don't turn
up again okay let me see this is round and about to be 30 minutes so maybe two more this
one is how the health mate of bluebeard made free with a door he stole a door okay a maiden
from phosphorus with eyes as bright as phosphorus once wed the healthy the wealthy bailiff on
the caliph of collect though diligent and zealous he became a slave to jealousy considering
her beauty was his duty to be that when business would necessitate a journey he would hesitate
but fearing to disguster he would just trust her with his keys he would trust her with
his keys not distrust remarking her prayerfully I beg you'll use them carefully don't look
what I deposit in that closet if you please and maybe mentioned casually that blue as
lapis lazuli he dyed his hair his lashes his moustaches and his beard and just because
he did it he roused his wife's timidity timidity timidity I'll get this one timidity her terror
she disembowled but she trembled when he neared the feeling this feeling in slobberess
soon made her most lugubrious and bitterly she missed her elder sister Mary Anne she
asked if she might write her to come down and spend a night or two her husband answered
rightly and politely yes you can blue beard the following morning his jealous feeling
swallowing packed all his clothes together in a leather bound the lease and feigning
reprehensibly he started out ostensibly by traveling to learn a bit of smearia and grease
his wife made but a cursory inspection of the kitchen the kitchen and the airy little
dairy were a bore as well as bigger scanty rooms and billard bath and anterooms but not
that intradicted and restricted little door for all her curiosity awakened by the closet
he so carefully had hidden and forbidden her to see this damsel disobedient did something
inexpedient and in the keyhole tiny turn the shiny little key then started back impulsively
and shrieked aloud compulsively three heads of girls he'd wed and beheaded met her eye
and turning around much terrified her darkest fears were verified for bluebeard stood behind
her come to find her on the sly perceiving she was fated to but soon decapitated to she
telegraphed her brothers and some others what she feared and sister ann looked out for them
in readiness to shout for them whenever in the distance with assistance they appeared
but only from her battlement she saw some dust that cattle meant the ordinary story
isn't gory but a jest but here's the truth unqualified her husband wasn't mollified her
head is in the little her head is in his bloody little study with the rest the moral wives
we must allow who their husband will not bow a stern and dreadful lesson learn when as
you read their cut in turn okay i think i said one more okay one more high rompo stilts
held out in vain for bonus in germany there lived an earl who had a charming niece and
never gave the timid girl single moments of peace whatever low and menial task his fancy
fitted through he did not hesitate to ask that shrieking child to do i see with truly
honest shame you are blushing and i do not blame you a tale like these the feeling softens
and brings the tears as does to her she had to wash the windows and scrub she had to scrub
the floors she had to lend a willing hand to 50 other chores she gave the dog his exercise
she read the earl the news she ironed all his evening ties and polished off his shoes
she cleaned the tins that filled the dairies she cut up she cut the claws of the canary
and then at night in manner winsome when coal was wanted carried in some but though these
tasks were quite enough he thought them all too few and so her uncle ruden ruff invented
something new he took her to a little room her willingness to tax and pointed out a broken
loom and half a ton of flax observing spin six pairs of trousers his haughty manner seemed
to rouse hers she met his scornful gaze proudly and for an answer whistled loudly but when
the earl went down the stairs she yelled she yielded to her fears gave way at last to grim
despair and melting into tears when suddenly from out the wall as if he felt at home there
pounced a singularly small and must much disordered gnome he smiled a smile extremely vapid and
set to work in a fashion rapid no time for resting he deducted as soon as the treasures
were conducted constructed conducted sorry constructed the girl observed how very nice
to help me out in this way the gnome replied a certain price of course you'll have to pay
i'll call tomorrow afternoon my due reward to claim and then you'll sing another tune
unless you know my name he indicated with a jester the pile of newly fashioned vesture
his eyes on hers a moment centered and then he went as he had entered as by this till
you've been grieved and heartedly distressed kind sir you will be much relieved to know
his name she guessed but if i do not tell the same pray count if it is not a crime i've
tried my best and for that name i can't find any rhyme yet spare me from a marks injurious
i will not leave you foiled and furious if something must proclaim the answer and i cannot
the title can sir
all right our very last moral all said and done there's nothing new beneath the sun and
many times before a title was incapacities requital requital requital oh my gosh i think
it's requital come on gooks why do i not have the there it is requital requital requital
requital requital requital okay requital
all right that is quite a few of these grims gay tales what was it grim tales made gay
by guy and there are i made it oh gosh maybe that's maybe a third of them so get two more
audios out of this and then i'll find another one in gutenberg if you guys like this let
me know bye