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Okay, so I got a bunch of requests for more safer work content on my subreddit audio content.

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Happy to provide that.

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Only problem is I can only talk for so long and I figured just a bunch of rambles would

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be something that I couldn't keep up with.

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So I came up with an idea.

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I don't know if you guys have ever heard of Project Gutenberg, but basically, it's this

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online website.

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It's www.gutenberg.org, where you can go and all these books are out of copyright.

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So I figured I could just read my fucking way through some of these books.

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And that's just a world amount of content that's just like so much fucking stuff.

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So I peeked around and I found one that tickled my fancy, found it under the humor section.

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It is called Grimm Tales Made Gay by Guy Wetmore Carroll.

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And it says the release date was October 13th, 2007.

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So that's when it must have went out of copyright.

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So I'm going to read some of these stories.

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I'm going to start with how the babes in the wood showed they couldn't be beaten.

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Okay.

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A man of kind and noble mind was H. Gustav Hyde, twas would be amiss to add to this a

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presence, for he died in full possession of his senses the day before my tale commences.

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One half is gold, his four-year-old son Paul was known to win.

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And Beatrix, whose age was six, for all the rest came in, perceiving which their uncle

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Ben did a thing that people said was splendid, for by the hand he took them and remarked

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in accent smooth.

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One thing I ask, be mind the task these stricken babies to sue.

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My country home is really charming.

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I'll teach them all the joys of farming.

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When Halkin weak, they finished his creek and watched him do the chores.

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And Halof's hid and shouting slid down sloping cellar doors.

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Because this life to bliss was equal, the more distressing is the sequel.

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Concealing Guile, behind a smile, he took them to a wood, and with severe and most austere

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injunctions to be good, he left them seated on a gateway and took his own departure straightaway.

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Though much afraid, the children stayed from ten till nearly eight.

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At times they wept, at times they slept, but never left the gate until the swift suspicion

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crossed them that Uncle Benjen had lost them.

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And quite unnerved, young Paul observed, it's like a dreadful dream.

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And Uncle Ben has fallen ten percent in my esteem.

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Not only did he first usurp us, but now he's left us here on purpose.

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For countless years their childish fears have made the reader pale.

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For countless years the public's tears have started at the tale.

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For countless years much destitution has been expressed for their relation.

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So draw a veil across the dale, where stood that ghastly gate.

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No need to tell you no full well what was their touching fate.

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And now with leaves in each dead little breast was covered by a robin red breast.

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But when they found them on the ground, though their life had ceased, quite near to Paul,

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they were a small white paper nearly creased.

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Because of lack of any merit, behind it ran we disinherit the moral.

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If you deeply long to punish one who you've done wrong, though in your life time you may

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fail, for there's a will there's a way.

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Alright, that was, again, how the babes in the woods showed they couldn't be beaten.

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I think I'm also going to read How Fair Cinderella Disposed of Her Shoe.

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The vainest girls in forty states were Glyndolin and Gladys Glades, Gladys, Gladys Glades.

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The vainest girls in forty states were Glyndolin and Gladys Gates.

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They warbled slightly off the air of romantic German songs, and each of them upon her hair

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employed the curling tongs, and each with ardour most intense her buxom figure laced,

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until her willful want of sense procured a woeful waste for bound to marry titled mates

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for Glyndolin and Gladys Gates.

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The truth to tell, yet truth to tell, the spines were few of Glyndolin and Gladys too.

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So morning, afternoon, and night, upon their sister they were, upon their sister they were

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wont to vent their selfish sprite, this is a tongue twister guys, upon their sister they

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were wont to vent their selfish sprite, and in the rudest way, for though her name was

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Leonore, that's neither here nor, that's neither there nor here, they called her Cinderella

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for the kitchen was her sphere, save when the hair she had to do of Glyndolin and Gladys

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too.

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I don't know if it's Gladys or Gladys, Gladys, I don't know.

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Each night to dances and to fetts went Glyndolin and Gladys guests, and Cinderella watched

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them go in silks and settles clad, a prince invited them and so they put on all they had,

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but one fine night as all alone she watched the flames leap higher, a small and stooping

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fairy crone stepped nimbly by the fire, she said the pride upon the grace of Glyndolin

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and Gladys Gates.

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Until now she had it with a frown called Glyndolin and Gladys down, and ere your fingers you

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could snap, there stood before the door, no poultry hired, horse and trap, oh no a coach

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and four, and Cinderella fitted out regardless of expense, made both her sisters look at

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like look about like 35, 37 cents, the prince with one look at her gown turned Glyndolin

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and Gladys down, wall flowers when thus compared to her, but Glyndolin and Gladys were, the

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prince but gave them glances hard, no gracious words he said, he scratched their names from

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off his card and wrote down hers instead, and where he would bestow his hand he showed

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them a trice by handing her the kisses and each of them an ice.

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In sudden need of fire and fur both Glyndolin and Gladys, at ten o'clock in discontent

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both Glyndolin and Gladys went, their sisters stayed till after two, and when with joy sincere

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the prince obtained a crystal shoe by way of souvenir, upon the bridal path he cried

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will reign together, since I love you, you must be my bride, he was no slouch that prince,

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and into sudden languishments both Glyndolin and Gladys went, the moral, all the girls

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on earth exaggerate their proper worth, they think, they think the very shoes they wear

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are worth the average millionaire, whereas two pairs in any town can be sold for half

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a crown.

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I don't think I'm going to edit this that much, y'all can deal with my uh, stumbling

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over words, okay, how about, how about little red riding hood came to be eating, how little

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red riding hood came to be eating, that sounds like fun, okay, most worthy of praise were

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the virtuous ways of little red riding hood's ma, and no one was ever more cautious and

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clever than little red riding hood's pa, they never misled for what they said and would

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frequently say what they meant, and the way she should go they were careful to show, and

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the way they showed her she went, for obedience she was effusively thanked, and for anything

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else she was carefully spanked, oh man, thus it, thus isn't strange that red riding hood's

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range of virtues steadily grew, that soon she won prizes of different sizes and gold

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and components too, and encomiums, I don't know, I don't know that word, let me look

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it up, hold on, let's listen to Google say it, encomium, encomium, a speech or piece

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of writing that praises someone or something highly, okay, and gold and encomiums too,

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is that how she was saying it, encomium, encomium, okay, and gold and encomiums too, as a general

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rule she was head of her school and at six she was notably smart, that they gave her

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a check for reciting the rec of the Hesperus holy by heart, and you all will applaud her

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the more I am sure, when I add that this money she gave to the poor, at eleven this lass

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had a Sunday school class, at twelve she wrote a volume of verse, at thirteen she was yearning

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for glory and learning to be a professional nurse, to a glorious height the young paragon

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might have grown if not nipped in the bud, but the following year struck her smiling

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career with a dull and sickening thud, in parentheses here it says, I have shed a great

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tear at the thought of her pain and must copy my manuscript over again, okay, not dreaming

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of harm, one day on her arm a basket she hung it was filled with jellies and ices and gruel

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and spices and chicken legs carefully grilled and savory stew a novel or two she persuaded

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a neighbor to loan and a hot water can and a Japanese fan and a bottle of eau de cologne

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and the rest of the things that your family fill your room with whatever your chance to

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be ill, okay moving on, she expected to find her decrepit but kind old grandmother waiting

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her call, but the visage that met her completely upset her it wasn't familiar at all, with

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a whitening cheek she started to speak but her peril she instantly saw her grandma had

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fled and she tackled instead for merciless paws and maw when the neighbors came running

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the wolf to subdue he was licking his chops and red riding hoods too, this terrible tale

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some readers will pale and others with horror grow dumb yet it was better I fear he should

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get her I just just think what he she might have let's go back to the top at this terrible

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tale some readers will pale and others with horror grow dumb and yet it was better I fear

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he should get her just think of what she might have become for an infant so keen but a future

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have been a woman of awful renown who carried on fights for her feminine rights as the mayor

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of an Arkansas town she might have continued the crime of her teens and come to right first

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for the big magazines the moral there's nothing much glummer than children's whose talents

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appall one much prefers those who are dumber but as for the peregrine small if a swallow

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cannot make a summer it can bring on a summery fall yes this book is full of some great virtues

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and okay another one okay this is a word I I'm pretty sure I know what it is let me

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just Google it real quick yeah okay how the fetishist wish of a pheasant came true let's

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just make sure Google tells me I'm saying right I think it's fetishist that's just

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that's just oh my god I'm in fucking idiot that's just that's just that's it not fascist

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that just that just means silly and pointless so how the fetishist wish pheasant pheasant

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wishes of pheasants are never fascists no is it pheasant or peasant when I first read

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this I thought it was peasant yeah I think it's peasant there's no age in there it's

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peasant okay how the fascist with wish of a peasant came true moving on okay an excellent

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peasant of character pleasant once lived in a hut with his wife who was cheerful and docile

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but such an old fossil you wouldn't meet twice in your life his notions were all without

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reason or rhyme such dullness in any one else for a crime but the folly pig headed to which

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he was wedded was so deep embedded it touched the sublime he frequently stated such quite

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antiquated and singular doctrines as these do good unto others all men are your brothers

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of course he forgot the Chinese he said that all men were made equal and free that's truth

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they were born on our side of the sea the truth should be spoken and pledges unbroken

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now whereby that token would most of us be one day at his cottage he ate a she ate he

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ate in his cottage a fairy stepped up onto the door upon it she hammered and meekly she

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stammered a morsel of food I implore he gave her sardines and a biscuit or two and all

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she said and replied when her luncheon was through and returned for these dishes of bread

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and of fishes the first wishes the first of your wishes I'll make come true that nincompoop

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peasant accepted the present as most of us probably would and thanking her bounty to

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turn to turn to account he said now I'll do something good I won't ask a thing for myself

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for my wife but I'll make all my neighbors with happiness rife whatever their conditions

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henceforth physicians and impositions they're rid of for life these very words energetic

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the fairies prophetic announcement brought instantly true the singular quickness each

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victim of sickness was made better was made over better than new and people who formally

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thought they were doomed with almost obstreperous this is like a words lesson

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alright that one means noisy and difficult to control obstreperous obstreperous obstreperous

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I think I said that right the first time but I'm not entirely sure moving on again it means

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noisy and difficult to control obstreperous with almost obstreperous healthiness bloomed

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and each with some platitude teeming with gratitude the new attitude life had assumed

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our friend satisfaction concerning his action was keen but exceedingly brief the wrathful

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condition of every physician in town was suppressing belief professional nurses were plunged in

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despair and chemists took passionate fists in the air they called it as dwelling with

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violence swelling his greeted repelling was air against air they beat and they battered

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they slammed and they shattered and did him such serious harm that after this labor that

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after their labors his wife told the neighbors they'd cause her excessive alarm then they

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set to work on his various ills and piled him with elements liniments powders and pills

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and charged him so dearly that all of them nearly made double the yearly amount of their

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bill I'm interested in the moral in this one okay so here it is the moral by the tale is

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taught the wish is the father the wish is father to the thought we oftentimes escape

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the worst but if the thinking part comes first

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the wish is father to the thought okay I'm gonna read it again the wish is the father

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to the thought we'd oftentimes escape the worst but the thinking part came first no

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no if this but if but the thinking part came first one more time I won't fuck it up this

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time the wish is father to the thought we'd oftentimes escape the worst if but the thinking

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part came first oh gosh I didn't know this was going to be so difficult I should have

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but I didn't rolling right along okay this one's called how hop oh my thumb got rid

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of an onus okay I'm not sweating but I feel like I should be a worthy couple man and wife

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dragged on a discontented life the reason I should state that it was destitute of joys

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was that they had a dozen boys to feed and educate and nothing such patient demands as

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having 12 boys on your hands oh for 20 years they tried their best to keep those virgins

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neatly dressed and teach them to be good but so much labor it involved that in the end

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they both resolved to lose them in a way so nothing apparent and noise like heartlessly

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losing his voice oh no I think there's French in this I think that's what it is okay I'm

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gonna try it okay so when their sons had gone to bed though bitter tears the couple shed

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they laid their little plan okay thought Ben case so fast say quand même the woman said

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sure uh just je suis tout blem sa colette observed the man may sack what a case say go sis which

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I'm sorry I I was having trouble with English and then they I I'm only gonna assume this

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is French because it looks French to me but it could be something fucking else oh my god

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okay here we go I have quite admitted to explain they were natives of terrain now I'm gonna

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look for terrain is from is that a real place terrain does anybody know oh it is a real

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place guess what it is French I'm not an idiot okay cool it's landlocked France okay I've

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quite a minute to explain they were natives of terrain I see I must translate thank god

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of course it must be done and still your wife of course it must be done and still the wife

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remarked it makes me ill you bet replied her mate but we've both of us counted the cost

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and the sit and the kids simply have to be lost but while they applauded every word the

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youngest of the urchins heard and winked the other eye his height was only two feet three

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I might remark in passing he was little but oh my he added I'd better keep my mum he was

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foxy was hop oh my they took the boys into the woods and lost him as they said they should

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and came back and silenced back alas for them hop up my home at every step had dropped a

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crumb and so retraced the track while parents sat mourning their fate he led the boys in

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at the gate he placed his hand upon his heart and said you think you're awfully smart but

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I have foiled you thus his parents humbly bent the knee and meekly said H-O-M-T you're

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one too much for us and both of them solemnly swore we won't never do so no more see the

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moral here okay while I do not endeavor to condone the plot I still maintain that one

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should have no chance of being foiled and having one's arrangement spoiled by one's

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ingenious son if you turn down your children with pain take care take care they don't turn

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up again okay let me see this is round and about to be 30 minutes so maybe two more this

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one is how the health mate of bluebeard made free with a door he stole a door okay a maiden

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from phosphorus with eyes as bright as phosphorus once wed the healthy the wealthy bailiff on

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the caliph of collect though diligent and zealous he became a slave to jealousy considering

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her beauty was his duty to be that when business would necessitate a journey he would hesitate

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but fearing to disguster he would just trust her with his keys he would trust her with

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his keys not distrust remarking her prayerfully I beg you'll use them carefully don't look

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what I deposit in that closet if you please and maybe mentioned casually that blue as

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lapis lazuli he dyed his hair his lashes his moustaches and his beard and just because

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he did it he roused his wife's timidity timidity timidity I'll get this one timidity her terror

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she disembowled but she trembled when he neared the feeling this feeling in slobberess

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soon made her most lugubrious and bitterly she missed her elder sister Mary Anne she

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asked if she might write her to come down and spend a night or two her husband answered

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rightly and politely yes you can blue beard the following morning his jealous feeling

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swallowing packed all his clothes together in a leather bound the lease and feigning

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reprehensibly he started out ostensibly by traveling to learn a bit of smearia and grease

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his wife made but a cursory inspection of the kitchen the kitchen and the airy little

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dairy were a bore as well as bigger scanty rooms and billard bath and anterooms but not

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that intradicted and restricted little door for all her curiosity awakened by the closet

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he so carefully had hidden and forbidden her to see this damsel disobedient did something

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inexpedient and in the keyhole tiny turn the shiny little key then started back impulsively

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and shrieked aloud compulsively three heads of girls he'd wed and beheaded met her eye

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and turning around much terrified her darkest fears were verified for bluebeard stood behind

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her come to find her on the sly perceiving she was fated to but soon decapitated to she

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telegraphed her brothers and some others what she feared and sister ann looked out for them

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in readiness to shout for them whenever in the distance with assistance they appeared

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but only from her battlement she saw some dust that cattle meant the ordinary story

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isn't gory but a jest but here's the truth unqualified her husband wasn't mollified her

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head is in the little her head is in his bloody little study with the rest the moral wives

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we must allow who their husband will not bow a stern and dreadful lesson learn when as

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you read their cut in turn okay i think i said one more okay one more high rompo stilts

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held out in vain for bonus in germany there lived an earl who had a charming niece and

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never gave the timid girl single moments of peace whatever low and menial task his fancy

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fitted through he did not hesitate to ask that shrieking child to do i see with truly

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honest shame you are blushing and i do not blame you a tale like these the feeling softens

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and brings the tears as does to her she had to wash the windows and scrub she had to scrub

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the floors she had to lend a willing hand to 50 other chores she gave the dog his exercise

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she read the earl the news she ironed all his evening ties and polished off his shoes

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she cleaned the tins that filled the dairies she cut up she cut the claws of the canary

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and then at night in manner winsome when coal was wanted carried in some but though these

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tasks were quite enough he thought them all too few and so her uncle ruden ruff invented

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something new he took her to a little room her willingness to tax and pointed out a broken

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loom and half a ton of flax observing spin six pairs of trousers his haughty manner seemed

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to rouse hers she met his scornful gaze proudly and for an answer whistled loudly but when

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the earl went down the stairs she yelled she yielded to her fears gave way at last to grim

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despair and melting into tears when suddenly from out the wall as if he felt at home there

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pounced a singularly small and must much disordered gnome he smiled a smile extremely vapid and

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set to work in a fashion rapid no time for resting he deducted as soon as the treasures

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were conducted constructed conducted sorry constructed the girl observed how very nice

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to help me out in this way the gnome replied a certain price of course you'll have to pay

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i'll call tomorrow afternoon my due reward to claim and then you'll sing another tune

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unless you know my name he indicated with a jester the pile of newly fashioned vesture

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his eyes on hers a moment centered and then he went as he had entered as by this till

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you've been grieved and heartedly distressed kind sir you will be much relieved to know

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his name she guessed but if i do not tell the same pray count if it is not a crime i've

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tried my best and for that name i can't find any rhyme yet spare me from a marks injurious

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i will not leave you foiled and furious if something must proclaim the answer and i cannot

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the title can sir

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all right our very last moral all said and done there's nothing new beneath the sun and

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many times before a title was incapacities requital requital requital oh my gosh i think

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it's requital come on gooks why do i not have the there it is requital requital requital

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requital requital requital okay requital

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all right that is quite a few of these grims gay tales what was it grim tales made gay

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by guy and there are i made it oh gosh maybe that's maybe a third of them so get two more

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audios out of this and then i'll find another one in gutenberg if you guys like this let

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me know bye