All right, all right, okay, fine! Jesus! You guys are assholes! And babies!
Didn't think I'd be reliving a high school party anytime soon. Or, you know, ever again.
Hell, even in high school this shit was stupid.
This is what happens when you try to cling on to your youth, you just end up embarrassing yourself.
Can you believe this? I mean, what do they expect to happen?
Like, we're actually gonna make out? Like, a couple of horny teenagers while they wait outside?
God damn it, my drink is out there.
What? I am not being a stick in the mud.
Sorry if I don't enjoy spending my night sucking face with whoever happens to pull a trinket out of a hat.
Okay, I guess I kind of walked into that one. I don't know.
I was momentarily swept up by the nostalgia of it, I guess.
I threw in my object as a sort of memoriam to the past. I didn't expect it to get drawn.
And I definitely didn't think it would be by you.
What? I doubt you were champing at the bit to get locked in a closet with me, either.
Speaking of, can you move your foot? It's cramped enough as is, but are you wedging me into the corner?
Thanks.
How many more minutes are left? Fuck! Well, I'll have my fun.
Sarah better not be fucking with it. Oh my gosh, she gets so juvenile when she's drunk.
That's half the reason I came along tonight. She wanted me to keep an eye on her, and I owe her for getting me out of a bad date last week.
If she is drugged, naked, or pregnant by the time we get out of here, I'm dragging her dumb ass under a cold shower. That's it. I don't care about her hair.
I don't care about her hair.
Yeah, it was a doozy. If you want me to go into it, I will. I mean, it's kind of funny.
Well, all right, so to start, he was 45 minutes late. Super handsy. Kept going on and on about himself. I mean, that seems to be a given, right?
And then, oh, he sprinkled in backhanded compliments the whole time about how real and down to earth he was for finding beauty in the unconventional.
Like, cool. Thanks, guy. God, I really appreciate it. You are just the kindness in your heart overflowing.
Anyway, so Sarah, bless her, pretended to be my sister and came to pick me up about halfway through.
And we made this whole scene about our grandmother being in the hospital.
Like, normally I would never use a dude for a free meal, right? That's so shitty. But the distress made it real easy to pack up the food and dip.
No one wants to ask a grieving person to leave the appetizers, right? He had the decency for that, at least. That I will give him.
You know, I don't even know. I don't know what I was thinking. I knew I wasn't interested in him when we made the date, I guess. I was just hopeful. I don't know.
That was on me, so I guess I got what I deserved.
Oh, well. I... Someone who's less likely to call me ugly to my face at the start. Maybe take me somewhere more fun than some fancy schmancy pants restaurant.
Not that I'm not faulting the food, but he was obviously flashing his money and it was stupid and uncomfortable. You know, I like the idea of just like a picnic or a little hike, and I suggested that, but no.
Maybe you'll walk through the cemetery. The big historical one is really pretty, and it's right across from that bubble tea place. Yeah, you remember? That was fun. I had a good time that day.
Well, you're usually a better time than random guys, anyway. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm usually better than random girls, right?
Of course! I'm your friend, I better be someone you enjoy spending time with. I bet I could beat all those other girls in three minutes flat.
Speaking of, why are we still in here? I don't have a watch, but I feel like we should have been out by now.
Do you think they left us in here? Assholes. What if I had claustrophobia, right? What if I had to pee?
I mean, how do you pass the time in this situation? I guess we could. I don't know. No, never mind. That's dumb.
I was going to say moan, but I'd rather not stoop to that level if we can help it. I mean, Jesus, talk about juvenile.
What's the worst date you've ever gone on? Or just sexual, romantic experience? It can be anything. Tell me about the time you, I don't know, did you ever send a girl one of those little $2 roses for Valentine's Day and watch her throw it away or something?
Maybe you made a chick wait for 45 minutes, took her to an obnoxiously overpriced restaurant, and then insinuated she was some product of shock and terror, that you were still kind enough to put your dick in while running your fingers across her knuckles any time she happened to rest them on the table. I didn't specify that earlier, but that happened to you.
No? Yeah, I know you wouldn't. You'd be an actually good date. I just have a feeling. I mean, while I told you we're friends, I know what it's like just hanging out with you. You're a fun guy.
You've never made me uncomfortable. Well, maybe a few times, but I don't know if I wouldn't count those.
No, for one. I mean, you aren't doing anything wrong. It's weird being stuck in a closet during a hookup game with your friend, you know? But I'm not holding that against you.
Nothing. It's not relevant. Stop asking. God, I'm not about to go down the list of all the times I felt mildly uncomfortable in your presence, so drop it. Like I said, they're not useful bits of information.
It's just me feeling some sort of way for whatever reason. You don't need to concern yourself with it.
Okay, you know what? I am actually ready to put on a show, if it's what'll get us out of here. Let's do it. Let's just give in and give the people what they want.
I'm kidding. I'm just about leaving my purse out there with that bunch of dickheads. Who knows who's going through it right now? So let's just break out the theatrics, shall we? Cool. Great. Okay. You go first.
I'm not going to laugh. I'm not going to laugh. Just do it. Just- I am a lady, okay? I don't make fun of things like that. So just fucking-
Oh no, no, sorry. No, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just- I wasn't expecting the voice crack, alright? I'm sorry. I know- I mean, you had to find that funny. I know, I know. You're going into it raw, so to speak, so I'll just- it just caught me off guard.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Your body's just come through some changes. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. God, fuck, okay.
Okay. I'm rusty. I'm sorry, okay? We both know you weren't any better, okay? At least I didn't sound like my balls were doing the cha-cha. Just get- Okay, fine. Then you fuck off. I'm better at this, you should know. I- I make men weak in the knees with just my voice.
Just my voice alone. Watch, just- just- just- just listen.
Eh? See? I want to tell you, how was that? Something spectacular, right? I told you, I just needed to warm up, so now that you've got yours in, let's hear it.
Oh. Oh. No, no, no, no. Like, no, that- that was- that- that- that was, um- that's- good. Yeah, I mean, I- I'm just- it's just- I haven't- I haven't heard Minimin go at it like that.
It was- you're- do you always sound like that? No, it's just- I- no, it's just the girls in your life must feel pretty lucky, because there's- there's- there's not enough hotter, honestly, than the sounds a guy makes, and I just- that- it must- that must be- that must be gratifying for them.
Oh. Yeah? Okay, well, I'm not saying you're better than me. All right, that- that never came out of my mouth. Okay, watch this.
You're drowning me out!
Oh. Yeah, well, I- oh. Oh. Oh, yeah. I know you love this tight fucking- oh! Hi, Sam- oh!
Jesus, I can say the same to you! Do you know how long you've left us in here?
I thought you'd appreciate a little show since the passage of time clearly wasn't factoring
into our escape. You're welcome.
Anyway, where's my bag?
You didn't let anyone tamper with it, right?
Oh my god! Lady, you smell like my grandpa's liquor cabinet.
Do you remember that you and your boyfriend are re-shingling your parents' roof tomorrow?
Yeah, well, that would stay fresh on your mind if you hadn't locked me in a closet for 30 minutes.
Well, I'm guesstimating. Leave my phone next time.
What? No, shh! That's...
I didn't want to stop saying dumb shit. I know...
I don't want to talk about that.
No, she's fine.
I'm actually going to get her home. Deshawn's better at playing guardian than I am.
If you hear that, you drunk bitch, your boyfriend's gonna wrap you in blankets and hold back your hair.
Provided I can get you home in time before you turn the inside of my car into a modern art exhibit.
Again. Anyway...
I gotta go.
It's been a delight.
I'll see you around, obviously.
Have a great rest of your night.
It was fun.
Um, actually...
You know that cemetery idea?
Yeah, well, the weather... I mean, it's been so nice lately. I've been wanting to go back.
Would you want to make it like a date?
Or like a hangout? I mean, I don't know if that sounded awkward.
Yeah?
Cool, that'll be fun.
We can get bubble tea. I can finally try that one flavor. What was it?
Oh yeah, matcha and cheese.
My hair back.
On a first date.
Yeah, well, enjoy it sucker, because I already know you.
Which means that any date after can rely on more fun and less chit chat.
So I'm thinking zip lining over the gorge? They do bungee jumping too.
Don't worry, the shared anxiety, it'll bring us together.
Plus, it'll give me a nice preview of what your screams sound like.