Oh, God.
Um, yeah?
Yeah, hi, yeah, sorry, I'm in the bathroom.
Um, hold on.
Hey.
Oh, let me help you with that.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I was just reading my horoscope, and I, well, apparently, I am either getting a tattoo or a new pet soon, or something bigger.
Like, I don't know. Yeah, two tattoos.
Just big honking Tasmanian devil tats on both my legs, which will luckily imbue me with the spirit necessary to beat my current very impressive 40 minute mile.
I know. Isn't that so exciting? You are going to have a stallion on your hands, baby.
Yeah, no, I'm sorry.
Um, I'm just, I'm just, I'm so tired.
I know you left when I had just woken up but I just, I, oh man.
Did they have that ice cream that I wanted, by the way?
Damnation.
Yeah, I know, I know. I know that it's a weird flavor, but it exists. I mean, I saw it on the Ben & Jerry's website so.
It was not a dream. I'm not, I'm not crazy. Okay, look, look. Okay, just, I'll look it up.
Echo, Ben & Jerry's Irish Fabman.
Isn't it so cute? It's like fab, like a mine of fab flavor, but also like the famine.
Sorry, I don't know that one.
I promise you. Echo, Ben & Jerry's potato chip ice cream.
Here's something I found on the web. According to HerWorld.com, this year's event will also see a new ice cream flavor joining the Ben & Jerry's family in Singapore, the couch potato.
Wait, what the fuck?
Did I dream it? Echo. No, no, no, no, no. I, fuck, I swear to God. It's like, it's potato chips, and then they're in like this, it's like an Irish coffee ice cream, and then there's like a curry swirl.
Oh my God.
I just so super dreamed.
Oh.
What the fuck.
Oh, well, well, God damn it.
That's disappointing.
Thank you. Yeah, I mean, honestly, knowing now that I'm the one who came up with it, it does make me pretty proud. I think I did write by the Kelps, you know.
I think they would be happy with that. The combination of history and culture is just, mmm, delectable.
Oh, it is a bummer though. Okay. What new flavor would you make? And I know that it's not going to come anywhere near to mine, but just, just give me a, give me something. And it has to recall a tragedy.
Like, ooh, ooh, like the Donner Par-Tay, and it's vanilla with like a bunch of raspberries swirled in. Wait, no, that feels too basic. What, what should we add?
Ooh.
Oh, baby doll, that is gnarly.
Oh, bless your poor pitiful genius tongue because you're the first one trying to scooper that.
I love you too.
I love you.
So much.
Oh, you got mine.
Yeah.
Actually,
I can't.
No, it's not. I'm not being picky.
Yeah. I took two tests and I have another one. I was going to take it just to be sure. But I, I think I am.
I'm pregnant, honey.
I know it's maybe not the best time. I know we still have some things that we wanted to do. I just,
I guess this is, this is just how it's going. And I'm, I'm not going to apologize because that feels wrong, but
I, I know that, that this is different than what we had planned. So
just tell me how you're feeling. Okay. Say something, please. Please don't just let me stand here, not knowing.
No, I'm just really, really.
Oh my God.
I'm really glad.
I'm scared. I'm scared of everything.
Oh my God. I thought I was going to throw up.
I'm so excited and I love you so much. And I just was so scared that you would feel like I had ruined everything. And I just, I wouldn't have any idea what to do if you were angry. And I love this stupid baby so much already. It deserves everything.
All the good stuff. And I was thinking, what if we split up and then good stuff just doesn't exist. They just don't have it anymore. They grow up thinking that it's their fault.
No, I didn't think that you would, but I just...
A lot of things flash through your mind when you're staring at two little lions, sniffed or peeing yourself dry, you know. I drank all the seltzer by the way, I forgot to tell you to get more. I'm sorry I'm crying so much, I'm just so filled with these fucking hormones.
Okay, okay, okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I love you.
I love you. I love you.
I love you so much.
This is good. This is good. Hugs. Hugs are always good.
You know I like hearing your heartbeat so it's helping.
I love you.
I love you too.
No, no, no.
I love you more.
I'm pregnant, you have to let you have to give this to me.
I love you more.
Not by much, hopefully, but I, I do.
I love you enough to start a family with you.
So, uh,
we are tied then.
You're the only person I'd want to do this with, you know.
No, wait, I take that back.
Glenn from The Walking Dead.
I would, I would have a baby with Glenn from The Walking Dead.
Because I like his hat.
Speaking of, and I mean this, this is very serious.
You are absolutely not allowed to get your head bashed in now.
Just like a thousand percent, it's not okay.
Before, they would have bought me out, sure, yeah, definitely.
But like, now, it's just, it's completely irresponsible.
So no head bashings, car crashes, no draft notices, cancer, none of it.
No other method of removal from our lives that may come a calling.
I'm like forbidding it, baby.
Grim Reaper, he makes a whip sound at you like a fucking douche, and you tell him,
okay, you tell him that you have pinky sworn to your favorite gal, that's me,
that you'd be home for dinner.
That's what he tells, depending on what pops out of me.
I am starving, by the way.
I know, I've just been hungry for weeks.
That should have made it obvious, right?
I have to make a doctor's visit, but I think I'm about seven weeks,
so almost two months of ravenous hunger and just general tiredness.
I am so tired.
I feel like I can never get enough sleep.
But Google says that's only supposed to happen for the first trimester.
Yeah, well, we could cook.
Or, I mean, well, you could, because I have to save my strength.
Well, it's been an eventful day.
How about we just order in so both of us can conserve what energy we have left
for something a bit more fun?
I don't know.
Netflix, games.
We could come up with a way to tell our parents.
I mean, maybe wait a little bit for that,
but man, mine are going to be making dolphin noises.
Or we could just, you know, like make out because we're overwhelmed
and you've made my hormones break dance like three different times already.
I mean, I'm up for a combo of any of the mentioned activities.
Oh, good.
Sounds like a plan.
I love you, baby.
Thank you for doing this with me.
Hey, do you think if I write Ben and Jerry's enough times
that I can convince them to put my flavor in their catalog?
It is a good idea.
Thank you.
I am just, I'm ripe with genius is what it is.
Oh, that's the best part.
Okay, fine.
Well, they can use the coffee and chips part for the mass marketing
and I'll swirl in the curry myself.
Oh, I forgot.
Yeah, there was something earlier that I was going to say I forgot
and it's really important.
I don't care what anyone says.
We are not going to be those parents that put on Frozen more than once a week.
Okay.
My spirit can't handle it.
In fact, can we just not introduce it at all, like at least until they
until they inevitably watch it on a play date because God damn,
the day that little fucker comes home,
singing Let It Go is the day that we start family therapy as a preemptive measure.
Okay.
Can we, can we please agree on that?
Thank God.
Yes, I am very excited.
I'm just looking forward to everything.
Well, almost everything.
Apparently, the first time a baby shits, it's just like black tar
and it stains and I, you know, but
I mean, I know that this isn't what we planned.
It's definitely not what I planned.
But it is what I've wanted.
Okay.
Which one of us is going to be the one to change that first diaper?
One, two, three, not it.