Well, that's great.
That's great.
He's not answering my call.
I don't know what this guy's problem is.
When you work for Lyft, you should be able to, like, take a message, right?
Because this guy is late.
Has been late.
And I do not want to miss the opening act.
I haven't been out in so long.
Oh my god.
I haven't been out to a concert in...
Oh my god.
I don't even know with everything that's been happening just in my life over the past couple
years.
I don't remember.
This is ridiculous.
It took me so long to get ready for this, too.
Oh, you do like my hair?
Well, thank you.
I would hope that someone did.
Do you know how long it took me to do this hair?
Because I got through half a season of Always Sunny.
It's not just hair, by the way.
It is also, as you'll notice, makeup.
I have shaved.
I've shaved everything, okay?
I am...
And by the way, my body is covered head to toe in a fine sheen of cocoa butter, alright?
I am slick, I am soft, and I want to go to this concert, alright?
I didn't porpoise myself up to just sit here on my couch waiting for some asshole to tell
me if he's close or if his phone is just messed up and he hasn't actually been sitting at
a stoplight half an hour away for the past 15 minutes.
I know, I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't freak out.
It's fine.
I don't even really care about the opening act.
I just...
I want to get a good spot near the front because I've been to this revenue so many times and
I know it.
It is old, it's rickety, it's tightly packed, alright?
And it gets sweaty in there.
It is like a sauna.
And if sweat is pouring down my face, if I am drawnched, if my liner is leaking into
my eyes, I would like, at the very least, a good look at the band before my vision goes
blurry.
Whew.
It's fine.
It's fine.
Yeah?
Haven't you been there?
Oh dude, it's actually pretty sick.
So it's...
They say it's haunted, which all the best venues I think are.
Personally, I don't know if I would want to go to a venue, an old venue that isn't haunted.
I feel like that's kind of half of what I'm paying for in the first place, or at the very
least like a quarter.
But I went there so much growing up.
I saw, just off the top of my head, Birthday Massacre, Oral Vampire, Peter Murphy, I saw
the Decembrists there, I saw Emily Autumn, and oh, and I saw Black Veil Brides there.
I think they were an opener, and I hadn't heard of them before, and my friends all made
fun of me for the rest of the night, and the rest of the school year, because I'm sorry
that I find men in tight pants and eyeliner attractive, alright?
What can I say?
I'm my mother's daughter.
Alright, well, if we're just going to be sitting around here, I'm going to clean up a little
bit.
Okay, here, I'm going to scooch past you.
Sorry about that.
Okay.
Are you done with this?
Alright, thank you.
What?
Oh, are you kidding me?
Oh, well that's fantastic, that's really good.
I just bought these tights, and now there's...
How big is it?
How big is the run?
Oh my God, I feel it.
Oh my God, that goes like all the way down my leg, where does that even start?
Like at my ass, well, that's great.
That makes me feel real confident.
Okay, man, these were expensive.
That's what I get.
Normally, that's what I get for not shopping on Wish.
I could have gotten these for like $169.
I paid...
What did I get these for?
I think I spent like 20 bucks on these, 20 bucks for tights.
I don't know what that means to you, but it's insanity, no matter who it's coming out of,
unless you're like a professional dancer, or like an old fashioned secretary, or an
old woman.
Oh, okay, well, fuck.
Normally, I would just kind of take them off and try again.
All my tights are in the wash, though.
I got mustard all over my other cute pair, god damn it.
Can you help me patch it?
I need hairspray, no, I'm out of that.
I need clear polish.
Okay, hold on.
Okay, all right, so let me feel where this is again.
Hold on.
I might be able to do it myself.
Nope.
No, I'm going to need your help.
I am enlisting you now.
Thank you for your service.
Okay, so it's real simple.
You just need to go over the run with the polish, okay?
And that's it.
And then I'll just, I don't know, dry it somehow really quick.
This isn't fast acting dry, so hopefully the Uber continues to be late enough for this
to work.
But you know what?
If it gets over his seat, isn't that kind of what it gets?
Okay, there you go.
Oh, well, you can start here.
Start at the bottom.
Where is that?
Like mid calf?
Yeah, just start right there.
I don't know, it might go even further down.
It might be all the way under my boot.
Well, you can just start where you are.
Sorry, it tickles.
Oh, yeah, it's so...
The way it works.
Sorry, I'm trying to compose myself.
I'm more ticklish than I realized, I guess.
Yeah, it just kind of...
It puts just kind of a protective layer on top so that it doesn't...
The fibers don't split anymore.
The nylon doesn't get a chance to dick me over in quite as many patterns.
It's weird because it's hot in here, but the polish is chilly.
You can use hairspray, but I'm pretty sure I used the last that was in the can.
Like I said, half a season of always sunny.
Oh, the 11th.
It's one of my favorites.
If I wasn't a big fan of 10, 11 really hit me in the juices.
Thank you.
Yeah, well, you know, fucking better look good, right?
You look pretty good too, by the way.
I don't know if I said that when you came in.
You're dressed to impress.
I like what you do with your hair.
I don't even think you changed that much, right?
You always kind of look...
Anyway.
Yeah, just it goes a little bit further up here.
I can pull up my skirt a little bit.
Right?
I don't know.
I'm just feeling you have eyes.
Speaking of, what were you doing eyeing the back of my gams so intensely that you noticed
a little tear?
Well, I suppose they were kind of in your face, but a true gentleman would avert his
eyes.
Don't you think?
That's high, that's high up there.
No, it's like I said, I'm just, I'm sensitive skin and it's weirdly cold.
I was probably sitting by a vent, I don't know.
Does it go higher?
Yeah, go up as high as you need to go.
You're helping me out, I'm not going to complain.
Is that it?
Oh.
Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, it's still wet.
Shit, I almost touched it.
Yeah, blowing on it would help.
Okay, yeah, that is, that's what you do.
It's still kind of tickles.
Sorry, did I make a weird noise?
It's just a weird sensation, that's all.
So are you done?
Yeah.
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
Me and my wallet, I appreciate it.
You're a fine handyman.
Okay, well, the Uber will be here in two minutes.
That was a sort of a time jump, wasn't it?
Okay.
Well, I guess we'll see how well the polish holds up.
Two minutes isn't very long.
Could you blow on it again?
Yeah.
Just to be safe.
Wow.
I am definitely looking forward to the rest of the night.