Dear a man of Craigslist, Look, I know you men have it difficult.
Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please.
In a post-treminous society, you never know exactly what you should be doing.
Women are bloody picky, I know we are.
It can be scary too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues.
And men who do their best to be respectful, female, positive humans, I salute you.
I do.
But please, please, just fuck me already.
Honestly.
I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
I like that you want to take things slow.
I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dear Jesus in heaven, fuck
me.
We've done dinner and drinks, we've done dancing, we've cuddled and watched a movie,
I'm wearing a low-cut shirt and you've been staring at my breasts all night.
Good God almighty, get to it and fuck me.
When we get hot and heavy, please, take charge.
Please, please, fuck me.
Trust me, I'm not going to just lie still.
I'll get involved, but don't make me force your hand into my panties.
That makes me feel like a rapist.
We've been kissing for half an hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass.
That's nice, but it's time to move forward.
Get on top of me.
Don't make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down in your
cock like I'm practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because you won't go down on me.
Roll on top and start dry humping like good boys should.
Don't gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure.
You being coy is totally not what I want.
It's not what we want.
Okay, I know it's scary.
There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult.
So I've compiled some handy tips.
Don't think of this as complaining or schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkens of the world.
Just some simple tips for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men.
1.
Taking charge is not bad.
Oh, there'll be some women who feel you're pushy.
If you're making out with a woman and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things
are moving too fast.
If she says yes, say something like, I'm sorry, you just look so fucking delicious, I'll go
slower.
Otherwise, skillfully move forward.
If you start kissing a woman and she responds well, and before long you're both in the floor
with her skirt pushed up and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back
and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head.
Seriously, grow a goddamn pair.
You're the man.
Act like one.
2.
Oh my fucking god, please learn to respect the clit.
It's different for every woman, so ask what she likes.
Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying
to tickle her.
Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you're impatiently waiting at the seer's
tire set up for your receipt.
Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside
of.
Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of
her pussy.
Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things.
And if you really don't know what to do, ask her, just ask, how do you like it?
It's a simple question, and most women will answer straight out.
If she's being all coy, ask, do you like pressure?
Is it sensitive?
The clitoris is a varied item indeed.
Treat each one as though you've never encountered one before.
Forget everything that your last partner liked.
3.
Most women like to be fucked and fucked well.
Yes, there are women out there who want to make love every time.
Sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses.
Those women are not the majority.
The majority like to be pounded.
The majority like to have their hair pulled.
The majority like good, solid jackhammering.
When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not because she wants you to pull back
and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there.
Because she wants you to hold down her arms or grab her hips or push her legs above her
head and fuck harder.
Don't be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes.
I'm a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on
fucking my throat from the inside out.
4.
A little roughness is nice.
Do not pretend that you have no idea that some women like their hair pulled.
Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her.
Really?
Spanking?
Won't it hurt?
Yes it does.
That's fucking point.
We know you've read Snuffin' Maxim.
That's all those latty mags talk about in their how to please her sections.
Start with light, full-handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on.
Judge her response and continue from there.
You don't have to bend her over one knee and tell her she's a naughty girl and that daddy's
gonna punish her.
Save that for the fifth date.
Women are less delicate than you think so don't worry about breaking her hip.
5.
It's okay for you to make noise.
Otherwise we feel like we're fucking a ninja.
Unless you are actually a ninja and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nunchaku and
zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise.
If you're banging woman and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning and you
can't even manage a grunt, she's gonna feel like an idiot.
You don't have to make the sound she is making but do something.
You know how when you are watching porn and the girl does something great to the guy and
the guy goes, ah, half grunt, half yell?
That's hot.
Do that.
Remember our name, assuming you know it, gruffly.
Grown against her neck when you're in missionary position.
You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla but if you're totally mute, she's gonna get
worried.
6.
Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting.
If you'd like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her.
If she responds well, continue with something like, I love fucking you.
God, you look so fucking hot.
Is she still moaning in response?
Your tits are so beautiful.
Does that work?
If she doesn't respond well to the term tits, you might have to stop there.
If she keeps moaning or responding, pass go and collect $200.
Try the following.
Oh god, your pussy is so tight.
You're wet.
Are you wet because you like the feel of my cot riding you?
I think I'm gonna come inside you.
I'm gonna feel like your little cunt.
It doesn't matter if you're wearing a condom, we love hearing this.
If all of those work, then you can progress to things like sexy little bitch and dirty
whore.
Tried carefully but please try.
Do not tiptoe.
Do not sit down.
Charge.
6.
You're not obligated to eat a woman out.
In return, she's not obligated to choke on your dick.
Don't skip one and expect the other.
If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice
it is.
The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush,
you are not John Madden.
No time for color commentary.
7.
Do not bitch about condoms.
Oh, we hate them.
Trust us.
They hurt us more than they hurt you.
But we don't want to be praggers and you don't want to catch anything, right?
Don't whine about condom sex.
Do not complain that you can't come with one on.
Learn to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we're
satisfied and it's time for you to let loose your load.
8.
We really like it when you come.
It's called a money shot for a reason.
Watching Steven shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things ever.
However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face.
She might, but don't assume.
Seeing and or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there's no need to deprive us of
it, but please do consult us before unleashing.
I think I'm going to come.
How do you like it?
It's a fair question that shouldn't rob you of your testicles.
In recent memory, I've been fucked by a very aggressive manly guy, and I've been, well,
fucked is the wrong term here.
I've been penetrated by a total and utter wuss.
Who am I going to run back to when I'm ready for my fail?
Manly McCardon.
That's it.