1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,100 Dear a man of Craigslist, Look, I know you men have it difficult. 2 00:00:05,100 --> 00:00:08,680 Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. 3 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:12,940 In a post-treminous society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. 4 00:00:12,940 --> 00:00:14,940 Women are bloody picky, I know we are. 5 00:00:14,940 --> 00:00:19,680 It can be scary too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. 6 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:23,760 And men who do their best to be respectful, female, positive humans, I salute you. 7 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:24,760 I do. 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 But please, please, just fuck me already. 9 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:29,440 Honestly. 10 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:31,200 I appreciate your thoughtfulness. 11 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,080 I like that you want to take things slow. 12 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:37,480 I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dear Jesus in heaven, fuck 13 00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:38,480 me. 14 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:42,720 We've done dinner and drinks, we've done dancing, we've cuddled and watched a movie, 15 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:46,360 I'm wearing a low-cut shirt and you've been staring at my breasts all night. 16 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:49,760 Good God almighty, get to it and fuck me. 17 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:52,920 When we get hot and heavy, please, take charge. 18 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,960 Please, please, fuck me. 19 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,320 Trust me, I'm not going to just lie still. 20 00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:01,160 I'll get involved, but don't make me force your hand into my panties. 21 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:02,800 That makes me feel like a rapist. 22 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:07,520 We've been kissing for half an hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass. 23 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:10,160 That's nice, but it's time to move forward. 24 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:11,160 Get on top of me. 25 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:14,040 Don't make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down in your 26 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:19,000 cock like I'm practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because you won't go down on me. 27 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,720 Roll on top and start dry humping like good boys should. 28 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:25,000 Don't gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure. 29 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,160 You being coy is totally not what I want. 30 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,440 It's not what we want. 31 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,680 Okay, I know it's scary. 32 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:33,640 There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. 33 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:35,800 So I've compiled some handy tips. 34 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:40,880 Don't think of this as complaining or schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkens of the world. 35 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:45,080 Just some simple tips for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men. 36 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:46,080 1. 37 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:47,080 Taking charge is not bad. 38 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:49,520 Oh, there'll be some women who feel you're pushy. 39 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:52,760 If you're making out with a woman and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things 40 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:54,100 are moving too fast. 41 00:01:54,100 --> 00:01:58,360 If she says yes, say something like, I'm sorry, you just look so fucking delicious, I'll go 42 00:01:58,360 --> 00:01:59,360 slower. 43 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,060 Otherwise, skillfully move forward. 44 00:02:01,060 --> 00:02:04,920 If you start kissing a woman and she responds well, and before long you're both in the floor 45 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:09,520 with her skirt pushed up and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back 46 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,680 and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. 47 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,480 Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. 48 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:15,480 You're the man. 49 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:16,480 Act like one. 50 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:17,480 2. 51 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:21,080 Oh my fucking god, please learn to respect the clit. 52 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:23,600 It's different for every woman, so ask what she likes. 53 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:27,200 Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying 54 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:28,320 to tickle her. 55 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:32,280 Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you're impatiently waiting at the seer's 56 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:34,200 tire set up for your receipt. 57 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,600 Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside 58 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:38,600 of. 59 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:42,040 Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of 60 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:43,040 her pussy. 61 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:46,280 Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. 62 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:50,460 And if you really don't know what to do, ask her, just ask, how do you like it? 63 00:02:50,460 --> 00:02:53,360 It's a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. 64 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:55,920 If she's being all coy, ask, do you like pressure? 65 00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:56,920 Is it sensitive? 66 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:59,080 The clitoris is a varied item indeed. 67 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,000 Treat each one as though you've never encountered one before. 68 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,600 Forget everything that your last partner liked. 69 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:05,600 3. 70 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,560 Most women like to be fucked and fucked well. 71 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,840 Yes, there are women out there who want to make love every time. 72 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:14,720 Sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. 73 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,640 Those women are not the majority. 74 00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:17,880 The majority like to be pounded. 75 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,080 The majority like to have their hair pulled. 76 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,560 The majority like good, solid jackhammering. 77 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:25,760 When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not because she wants you to pull back 78 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:30,380 and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there. 79 00:03:30,380 --> 00:03:34,160 Because she wants you to hold down her arms or grab her hips or push her legs above her 80 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,000 head and fuck harder. 81 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,880 Don't be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes. 82 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:43,000 I'm a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on 83 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,360 fucking my throat from the inside out. 84 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:46,360 4. 85 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,860 A little roughness is nice. 86 00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:50,720 Do not pretend that you have no idea that some women like their hair pulled. 87 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:52,960 Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her. 88 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:53,960 Really? 89 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:54,960 Spanking? 90 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:55,960 Won't it hurt? 91 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:56,960 Yes it does. 92 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:57,960 That's fucking point. 93 00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:58,960 We know you've read Snuffin' Maxim. 94 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,440 That's all those latty mags talk about in their how to please her sections. 95 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,080 Start with light, full-handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. 96 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:08,320 Judge her response and continue from there. 97 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:11,360 You don't have to bend her over one knee and tell her she's a naughty girl and that daddy's 98 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:12,600 gonna punish her. 99 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,060 Save that for the fifth date. 100 00:04:14,060 --> 00:04:17,320 Women are less delicate than you think so don't worry about breaking her hip. 101 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:18,320 5. 102 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:19,880 It's okay for you to make noise. 103 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:22,480 Otherwise we feel like we're fucking a ninja. 104 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:26,600 Unless you are actually a ninja and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nunchaku and 105 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,960 zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. 106 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,040 If you're banging woman and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning and you 107 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:36,440 can't even manage a grunt, she's gonna feel like an idiot. 108 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:39,680 You don't have to make the sound she is making but do something. 109 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,800 You know how when you are watching porn and the girl does something great to the guy and 110 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:45,880 the guy goes, ah, half grunt, half yell? 111 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:46,880 That's hot. 112 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:47,880 Do that. 113 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,440 Remember our name, assuming you know it, gruffly. 114 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,840 Grown against her neck when you're in missionary position. 115 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:56,400 You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla but if you're totally mute, she's gonna get 116 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:57,400 worried. 117 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:58,400 6. 118 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,960 Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. 119 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:04,800 If you'd like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. 120 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,720 If she responds well, continue with something like, I love fucking you. 121 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:09,480 God, you look so fucking hot. 122 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,040 Is she still moaning in response? 123 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:12,040 Your tits are so beautiful. 124 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:13,040 Does that work? 125 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:16,240 If she doesn't respond well to the term tits, you might have to stop there. 126 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:20,080 If she keeps moaning or responding, pass go and collect $200. 127 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:21,080 Try the following. 128 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,440 Oh god, your pussy is so tight. 129 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:24,440 You're wet. 130 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,840 Are you wet because you like the feel of my cot riding you? 131 00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:28,600 I think I'm gonna come inside you. 132 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:29,880 I'm gonna feel like your little cunt. 133 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:35,200 It doesn't matter if you're wearing a condom, we love hearing this. 134 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,760 If all of those work, then you can progress to things like sexy little bitch and dirty 135 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:39,760 whore. 136 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:40,880 Tried carefully but please try. 137 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:41,880 Do not tiptoe. 138 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:42,880 Do not sit down. 139 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:43,880 Charge. 140 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:44,880 6. 141 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,000 You're not obligated to eat a woman out. 142 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,640 In return, she's not obligated to choke on your dick. 143 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,080 Don't skip one and expect the other. 144 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:54,560 If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice 145 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:55,560 it is. 146 00:05:55,560 --> 00:06:00,040 The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush, 147 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,400 you are not John Madden. 148 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,040 No time for color commentary. 149 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,040 7. 150 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:05,040 Do not bitch about condoms. 151 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,040 Oh, we hate them. 152 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,040 Trust us. 153 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,120 They hurt us more than they hurt you. 154 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:11,080 But we don't want to be praggers and you don't want to catch anything, right? 155 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,160 Don't whine about condom sex. 156 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,280 Do not complain that you can't come with one on. 157 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:17,880 Learn to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we're 158 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,960 satisfied and it's time for you to let loose your load. 159 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:21,960 8. 160 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,280 We really like it when you come. 161 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:25,320 It's called a money shot for a reason. 162 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:28,520 Watching Steven shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things ever. 163 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:32,600 However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. 164 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,080 She might, but don't assume. 165 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:38,120 Seeing and or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there's no need to deprive us of 166 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,440 it, but please do consult us before unleashing. 167 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,060 I think I'm going to come. 168 00:06:42,060 --> 00:06:43,060 How do you like it? 169 00:06:43,060 --> 00:06:46,080 It's a fair question that shouldn't rob you of your testicles. 170 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:52,080 In recent memory, I've been fucked by a very aggressive manly guy, and I've been, well, 171 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:53,280 fucked is the wrong term here. 172 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:56,560 I've been penetrated by a total and utter wuss. 173 00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:58,760 Who am I going to run back to when I'm ready for my fail? 174 00:06:58,760 --> 00:06:59,760 Manly McCardon. 175 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:13,960 That's it.