1
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I was made with feminity in mind.

2
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Grew up to become a woman with curvy hips, luscious breasts, an hourglass figure and an innocent looking face.

3
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The type of body that the male gaze yearns for, with concupiscence in its eyes and a vague disregard for the person within.

4
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I should have been grateful. I was. I wasn't. I was.

5
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Inconsistent feelings of pride and disgust would take turns as the days passed.

6
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At first I thought it was shame, bashfulness.

7
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I was still innocent back then, a body made for lust with a mind yearning for chaste love.

8
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Though I didn't understand why, I realized quickly that this body was not my own, so I tried to own it.

9
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I spent hours endeavouring to look at it from an outside perspective.

10
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This body attracted men's eyes. This body was similar to those of women that attracted my eyes.

11
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It wasn't my body, but it was one I could wear and dress up like a doll in one of those games,

12
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with lace tops and mini skirts, make-up around my eyes and shiny lipstick to make my lips pop.

13
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It worked for a while, got me attention, longing looks and sincere compliments.

14
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Yet that dress-up game was starting to feel restrictive, and I tiptoed around the male clothes section.

15
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I tried things in secret and found some answers amongst brothers' shirts and ties.

16
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Wearing them the first times, I didn't even see that body underneath, curved and fit to the cut of those clothes.

17
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I went out as a man, and yet they called me She.

18
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I wished for another body, one with muscles and a flat chest, a hint of stubble and the deepest of voices,

19
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rimmed of women small in my arms and moaning beneath me.

20
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I thought I had found all my answers there, and I was preparing myself for a late transformation.

21
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Then, a few days later, I found myself marveling at bras and stockings,

22
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and I didn't know why I'd ever thought being a man would fit as well as carnal feminity.

23
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I spent years wondering, alternating between doubts and certainty, between fear and longing.

24
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I learned too, bit by bit, I strived to uncover the mystery that is myself, and finally I came to the right conclusion.

25
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I cut my hair short, and my breasts smaller.

26
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I embraced the whole wardrobe of the dress-up game I used to play, changed my name to reflect duality,

27
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and then I looked at myself with my own eyes once again.

28
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I have scars on my breasts now, that beauty tarnished forever,

29
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but I had never loved my silhouette in a dress more than I do now.

30
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I can put on a suit and have people call me sir.

31
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I can be ambiguous and smile to myself, as I watch them struggle to know.

32
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I want to tell them, they will be right, and wrong anyway.

33
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I was made with feminity in mind, but I made my body my own,

34
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a shapeshifter's next best thing, in a world without magic.