Hey, just dropping by to drop these books off I borrowed. I finished the last one.
No, I didn't need to drop them off right now. I was on my way to the store and I thought I'd just stop.
You know, guilty birds.
Okay, fine. I am a terrible fucking liar. Will you let me in now?
Well, if you answered your texts or email, you know what?
Honestly, if you would have answered them, I still would have dropped by on a flimsy excuse, but I wouldn't have been so worried.
Alright, good.
Let's sit on the couch, okay?
Something is definitely fucking wrong. I have never seen you this quiet.
I mean, I know you can be shy and that's kind of adorable. We've known each other for years.
No, it's not fine. It's the opposite. So what is it? What is it really?
You got a text.
Can I read it?
Oh my god.
Oh my god, that's not okay.
Yes, I hugged you. Why are you so surprised?
Well, it's true. I don't hug a lot, but it's you. And this is fucked.
Yes. Yes, getting dumped by a text is pretty fucking shitty.
Sending a nearly nude selfie posing with the dude she's leaving you for is just fucking awful.
You must be thinking of some other friend because you know that I wouldn't let you be alone right now.
Or you should anyway.
Wait, so because your girlfriend, who just dumped you in the most fucking tasteless way,
would have told you to man up and deal with it, I have to leave you alone with your shitty thoughts?
No, you heard me. No.
First of all, I never approved of your decision to go exclusive with her.
She was a bougie brat who didn't really want to be involved with you beyond of what you could do for her.
Yes, I had veto power, but I was not consulted.
That is the best friend constitution. I feel that my rights were ignored and your haste to get laid.
Well, it's good to hear you laugh at least.
Normally, you would have made me laugh multiple times with your lame ass dad jokes by now, but today I guess it's my turn.
Where was I?
Oh, right. Second of all, once she said that shit about you manning up, you should have called me.
So I could have knocked your ass out, obviously.
You would never do it, so it's up to your best friend.
Thirdly, she's like the worst example of how to be a girlfriend.
Specifically, she was like the worst possible person to be your girlfriend.
Well, yeah, I know you. I know exactly what you need in this situation.
A smack upside the head.
Figuratively, this time.
Yeah, see, I would have seen that look in the eye you get when you get all stoic and then also the way you purse your lips.
Yes, that exactly. That tells me you're extremely sad and what you need is a hug and probably sex.
Please. Sex is like the most obvious solution.
It would relax you and it would make you feel loved and you'd be more ready to talk about this awful shit.
Damn it, I wish you would have called me sooner, like when she started treating you badly.
I know it would have pissed her off. That would have been a nice side benefit.
I sound jealous?
Yeah, I guess I am a bit. I get protective about my friends.
I try not to be a creep about it, but yeah, when some fancy bitch decides my best friend shouldn't hang out with me,
then I'll get a little pissy.
No, I'm sure she didn't say anything like that to you. She wasn't that dumb.
But you sure did have to cancel on me a lot when she started seeing her, didn't you?
Yeah, she was coincidentally sick on those nights we were supposed to play board games or watch nerd shit together.
I don't blame you for missing it. You were blinded by the pussy.
Sorry.
What I meant to say was that you still were in the infatuation phase.
You were only with her for like three months, but you guys moved fast.
I know and I'm sorry for dragging you about this.
It just made me have a regret and I'm not really going to be able to move past it unless we can get it off my fucking chest.
Is that okay?
So I realized how she felt about me pretty early and I was worried she would treat you badly and she did.
So I let you down.
What could I have done?
Well, it's true that it's hard to convince someone who's infatuated that their lover isn't good for them,
but I think I probably could have done this.
Yeah, see that startled expression tells me that it probably would have worked and that other stuff going on in your pants right now.
No, don't you ever think that. I don't care what just happened.
I'd never kiss you out of pity. I don't kiss people that I don't feel for.
I've thought about it a lot, especially once I stopped seeing you around.
I'm glad that it's taken your mind off of things, but I could have done so much more like more of this.
Yeah, I've been working up the courage to do that.
I'm such a coward. So yeah, I like you a whole lot.
Jesus fucking Christ, I'm so bad at this. I love you.
I actually love you like actual love.
Yes, I am confessing my goddamn feelings for you.
You're supposed to say some Jane Austen shit or tell me to fuck off or something.
I don't do the shit. I don't fucking know how.
I'm pretty sure bursting out laughing is not the appropriate response, dick.
What do you mean that only you could swear that much during romantic declaration?
I don't fucking swear that.
See? This is distracting.
Oh, fuck no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Yeah, I don't want to stop either.
But I need you to understand that even if you just want sex and this love thing is one sided, I'm still not abandoning you.
I'm really truly your friend. Okay?
Oh, I guess I didn't expect to hear I love you back. I didn't prepare for that.
No, no, I didn't. I didn't fucking giggle.
I just, you know what? Shut up, you dork.
No, it's okay. Everything is, wow, better than okay.
I just, I kind of wanted to prove that this is about you and not getting your dick in me.
Oh yeah, I want to jump all over that cock. Not tonight.
I know I can be a little bossy. Again, with the inappropriate laughter.
Look, I just want to suck your cock.
I want to fucking swallow all of your cum, okay?
I want to make you feel really, really good and then fall asleep with you and hold you if you gotta cry and make you breakfast.
You know, girlfriend shit.
Let's go to the bedroom.
Come on, not like you don't know the way.
Go ahead, take off your clothes and lay down.
It's not a request.
Don't worry, I'm taking mine off too.
I just want to get you in a place where you can relax and let me take care of you.
You don't have any idea how often I've thought about your cock in my mouth.
It'd be shameful if I had any shame.
Yeah, wow.
Yeah, I like you like this. All exposed and vulnerable and sexy.
I've always loved your body.
Why, thank you. I always thought I might be a bit too curvy for you.
Glad to know you appreciate them.
I'm going to want your hands all over them pretty soon.
In the meantime, let me just see about this delicious cock.
Fuck, you taste so good.
I kind of love doing this in general, but there is something about blowing someone that you love.
I can finally say it.
A romantic blowjob.
Yeah, that's what I want this to be.
I want you to know that I'm yours.
I probably shouldn't say this, but I really have trouble saying no to you when we're drunk.
I used to make a lot of jokes about blowing you.
I wanted you to say anything like you wanted me to.
I would have been yours without having to say anything, and if you didn't want me after, I guess I could have just pretended like I didn't remember.
Yeah, pathetic, right?
When you say that you will always want me, this is why I'll always say yes to you.
You're close, aren't you?
I can feel you tightening up.
Go on, do it.
Does she like how soft and wet my mouth is?
God, come for me.
I hope, I hope that was good enough.