Other People's Zoo Limericks

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Limericks Written by Animale:
The young whale trainer had a fit,
"By the teeth of me lover I was bit."
Said Shim "I thot that me whale
was a sexy female,
an I was just testing the fit."

"I thrust deep inside her sweet venus,
Till out popped this long fleshy penis!
I wuz fine till I pulled out
and our gay whale did pout
so now I'm renaming his genus!"

"Orcinus orgasmus! Genus name..."
the young trainer said through his pain.
"I'ze a hetero trainer!"
and dove in with a gainer
"But now I'll try this new game!"

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Limericks Written by Breath:
I dated a mare who played pranks
While I loitered close to her flanks.
But quicker than words,
I scooped up her turds
And all of my gardens say thanks!

I once had a lover equine
Who chomped on this pecker of mine
That's how, on a lark,
I got a big mark,
And lost inches seven through nine.

I once thought my filly named Rose
Could do with some sexier clothes.
But I wasn't ready
For her in a teddy
So once again, naked she goes.

I met a fine gelding one night
And showed him forgotten delight.
We dallied for weeks,
Had quite a few peaks,
Now, how can you say that's not right?

Not only a stroke of the peter,
Simultaneous swipe at a skeeter!
This time that I pass,
Long hours in the grass,
Could hardly be neater or sweeter.

Tonight when I meet with a mare,
My fingers will go through her hair.
Our hot lovers' rush
Will make the moon blush
But we'll be too busy to care.

I learned to my great excitation
I'm capable of levitation!
Through pastures I fly,
'bout one haybale high,
Pursuing a pink destination.

I fence-hopped one evening to find
A filly of similar mind.
Our lovers' embrace
Was more than a taste,
It left us completely entwined.

One evening I laid with a mare,
Enjoying the quiet night air.
But when she rolled over,
Then I bit the clover,
Got flattened, and still didn't care.

If ever a mare gives you pleasure,
It's something that you'll always treasure.
You puff and you try,
Though only a guy, 
And nowhere near her fullest measure.

There was a fence hopper named Lutz
- though eager, a bit of a klutz.
He wracked his poor brain
To try to explain
The barbed-wire cuts on his putz.

   (My apologies to anyone named Lutz out there...)

I'm sending these lines through my modem;
To foolish mistakes I'll devote 'em.
For I hadn't planned
On that barbed top strand - 
To this day, that fence has my scrotum.

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Limericks Written by Canine:
There was a young lad from Sandusky,
Who wanted to mate with his Husky.
"But because she's Siberian,
Our goodbye was a teary one,
'Cuz my daddy won't harbor a Rusky."

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Limericks Written by CD:
A cute dromedary named Sue
Told her randy young rider, Abou
"You can holler and jump
But I've only one hump!
Buy a bactrian if you want two."

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Limericks Written by Crinos:
There once was a sheep named Flossy,
Whose fleece was soft and glossy.
In all kinds of weather,
Baron Willhelm would bed her,
'Til she left him for a cow named Bossy...

A man, in his house, once did spy,
His wife and dog stuck fast in a tie.
He said with a grin
To the pooch trapped within,
"Better she, this time, than I..."

An aquatic young zoo named Jim,
Gave oral sex to a shark on a whim.
He gave the beastie great head,
But now sadly, he's dead,
'Cuz the shark took its turn to eat him.

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Limericks Written by Darkwolf:
A fellow named Blair, on a dare
Stuck his head in a Percheron mare.
This rather strange action
Caused a Helmholtz contraction
That yanked out most all of his hair.

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Limericks Written by Dogstar:
A hoser who liked to chew snoose
Made an improper advance towards a moose.
It gored him and kicked him,
Then mounted and dicked him,
Knocking his testicles loose.

As Fay Wray once said to King Kong,
"I don't mind being carried along.
But I do think it shitty,
Not pretty, not witty,
To shovel the cheese from your dong."

Pity poor Molly McGrew,
Who declared she knew not what to do.
After being had in due course
By three dogs and a horse,
I'd visit the vet, wouldn't you?

A zookeeper named Harry McGraff,
Once tried to fellate a giraffe.
But the orgasmic splatter
Knocked him down from his ladder,
So this poem is his epitaph.

Jacques Cousteau, or so goes the tale,
Once tried to pleasure a whale.
But it took the whole crew
To accomplish that screw
Plus the Calypso under full sail.

A calveryman named Ed Barger,
Once had an affair with his charger.
He fondled its dong,
Which was exceedingly long,
And steadily grew larger and larger.

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Limericks Written by Equidog:

A young maiden thought true love she had found
When a handsome young centaur came 'round
But one roll in the hay
And he trotted away
He was only horsing around

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Limericks Written by Equuleus:

Dear Dancer, our rides were divine;
You could turn upon less than a dime.
Seeking scritches, you'd rub me;
To court, you'd head-butt me;
All in all, 'twas a wonderful time.

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Limericks Written by Jerrit:
The old gay man was quite frugal.
He would only suck on one noodle.
His friends were disturbed, 
and found it perverse
that he would only suck off his poodle.

Jim Henson was caught in a flubber.
There was this pig he wanted to bugger.
So he snuck out at night,
but it did not feel right.
You see no one likes humping foam rubber.

All dogs hate Bob Barker.
He wants to cut of their knockers.
He says everyday,
be sure to neuter and spay.
It's the dogs who are much smarter.

Kirk's penis started to dribble.
He wanted to fuck a tribble.
According to Spock,
he had too big a cock.
The creature only could nibble.

1. Scooby Doo was in great pain.
   Shaggy wouldn't fuck the Great Dane.
   Fearful of the knot
   that might make him pop, 
   Thelma tried to explain it away

2. He still wasn't convinced.
   The knot still makes him wince.
   To make himself happy,
   he then tried it with Scrappy.
   Now the fear no longer persists.

Wishbone is on PBS.
We really are most blessed.
Unlike most T.V. dogs,
We can see his nuts and his dong
whenever he is undressed.

Lassie is really a male.
What an exciting tale.
When with a collie,
It can be a follie
to find an opening to nail.

Red dog sells lots of beer.
The size of his nuts are unreal.
Just thinking of his cum
makes me go yum.
I really want to give them a feel.

On the pet department there is Jack,
A dog who's nuts have been hacked.
He looks very sad,
that makes me mad.
Its the host should have gotten that crap.

Athough Frasier is a hit,
I think it's a piece of shit.
Enough already,
I just want to see Eddie.
Maybe I'll catch a glimpse of his dick.

The George Bush is a gererous man.
He gives others a hand.
He promised Billy
that he could borrow Millie
if Hillary starts kicking his ass.

We all know Charlie Brown.
He always seemed to be down.
His penis was droopy
until he saw Snoopy's.
Now you will never see him frown.

The transformation was complete.
The prince was no longer the beast.
Belle was sad 
because he had the dick of a man.
She wanted a bovine-like meat

The Three little pigs was written wrong.
The wolf just wanted to suck their dong's.
They didn't admit
that they couldn't cum worth shit.
That wolf just sucks to long.

To mark the end of his youth,
Mowlgi had sex with Baloo.
Compared to Baloo's prick
his was a stick.
He really felt like a fool.

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Limericks Written by LiLo:

Maybe it was fate
that I came too late
'cause at the promnight
they wouldn't think 'twas right
when they'd see I had a dog for a date

All my live I kept crying
seriously thought about dying
till I worked at the zoo
got head from a 'roo
and found true love with a lion

A man wasn't sure animals where the best
so he put himself to the test
it drove him insane
when he sucked a great dane
now he never won't give it a rest

At a farm a girl got thrilled
when she noticed the stallion was well build
she got down on her knees
and started to tease
and got every hole she had filled

'Sex with a lion' you say
let me explain, if I may
when you see its hard dick
it is not that big
but he'll take you fifty times in one day

With lions there are no laws
it doesn't matter who thinks is boss
there's only one must
you do have to trust
when you put your dick between his jaws

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Limericks Written by "LK":

Dont worry, said a drafthorse from Bejing
When the vet. took the reason for mating
I know i am cut
But my handler's butt
Is the best that could happen a gelding

A young zoo decided to mess
Warned, but never the less
leaving the pasture
With sore butt and fracture
It was really an airborne express

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Limericks Written by Marduk:

There once was a man from Rangoon,
Whose love was to bugger raccoons.
They'd all come from the trees
When he fell to his knees,
Then he'd come, but often, too soon.

A kinky young lady from Dover, 
Kept a large porcupine for a lover;
She'd play with his dick
Till he gave her a prick
Or two, or more (sometimes all over!)

An old woman of breeding and class
has a snake in a box made of glass
Each time lust overtakes
Then the glass she doth break
and fingers her clit and her asp...

An heiress, whose lust was immense,
had three goats which she kept in a fence:
"I take one in my mouth,
and the others down south;
my orgasms are truly intense!"

There was an old man from Peru
Who enjoyed intercourse with a shrew;
"My dick is so tiny,
and my wife is so whiny,
So tell me, what else should I do?"

A young Chinese man kept on braggin' 
About hot oral sex with his dragon,
Til it sneezed, then his thighs,
Resembled french fries, 
And his prick, something from "Pretzel Wagon."

There was a young girl from Nanking,
Whose favorite sexual thing:
In a hammock to monkey,
With her little pet donkey.
She loved getting her ass in a sling.

A Swiss man once told me "Ivanna,
make love to a giant iguana!
Though the claws, they will scratch, 
And the eggs may not hatch,
It beats getting blowjobs from pirhana!"

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Limericks Written by Mr. Imp:

A zoo at Sea World, feeling amorous,
Enticed a dolphin most glamorous.
When the zoo flirted
The dolphin squirted
Uniting the two for-ever-morious.

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Limericks Written by Muttnik:

Some like to snoop and to pry.
So in the medicine cabinet they spy your KY.
They go into a blur.
It's all covered in fur.
As fast as can be they say bye-bye.
   ( or maybe they're just going to get the Great Dane. )

There comes time in a young zoo's life to grope her.
But she hears the sound of a can-opener.
Gone to the kitchen.
Leave'n ya bitch'in.
Wondering if you'll ever poke-her.

To the park you two go to smooch on the grass.
Time for supper is way past.
But along comes a rabbit.
As is your mates habit.
It's dinner for two, blast.
   ( you wanted to kiss, not eat )

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Limericks Written by RR:

We ogled the zoo's new orang,
Pumping off, warming up his long thang.
So--why not emulate
This impressive primate?
And start the New Year with a bang!

"Naval Intelligence"

A dolphin whose prick was prehensile
Screwed a cuttlefish with his utensil.
When he plowed her ink sack
His cum quickly turned black;
'Spewed "Happy New Year" with his pencil.

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Limericks Written by Ravage:
My owner once wanted me snipped
After many a pants leg were ripped
I was hauled to the vet
Who at once said, "Don't fret
Just make sure that his front nails are clipped."

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Limericks Written by Resident Hyaena:
There was a box-eater named Tunney
As good as with rim as with "cunnie".
One day, on a dare
He tongued out a bear
And found that it tasted like honey.

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Limericks Written by Rings:
Doggerel is really bad verse
And from furries, it always gets worse
Our animal rhyming
Has such awful timing
You'd think it was some kind of curse

Hyena girls, between their thighs
Have a clitoris of massive size
So like an erection
It's female perfection
That even impresses gay guys

While taking my dog for a walk
I like to play with his cock
I just hope no one sees
What I do while he pees
I can do without the jealous talk

When I see a handsome young buck
I fantasize what I might suck
I'd kneel and I'd stroke
And drink come til I'd choke
But I never get that kind of luck!

Wolves are such sexy creatures
They have so many good features
Their tongues for great kissing
Their cocks for hard pissing
For kinky sex, they're ideal teachers

If you're horny you needn't despair
If you can find yourself a willing mare
Just get under her tail
And you'll find without fail
The best pony ride anywhere

Foxes, especially males
Are always lifting their tails
They ask you to hump them
Then reach 'round and pump them
Their horniness just never fails

Raccoons have paws just like hands
And great dexterity at their command
So they pull their cocks out
And stroke them about
And find masturbation quite grand!

Some wolves enjoy watersports
Which is why there's wetspots on their shorts
They'll jack off in their briefs
Then find bladder relief
According to many reports

One of a furry's great joys
Is to masturbate with their stuffed toys
With a plush Balto or Simba
(or my favorite, Kimba)
And to daydream of Siegfried and Roy's

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Limericks Written by Starfall:
A unicorn once took a roll
In the hay with a maiden so droll.
After quite a good while
She remarked with a smile,
"I think I'm expecting your foal."

Polly, my love, is a mare,
But to love her I just didn't dare,
'Till a quick magic spell
Made me equine as well,
And now we're the perfect 'matched pair'.

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Limericks Written by Toccatta:
There once was a man from Gwinnette
Who had a fine mare for a pet
He loved her each day
In a zoophilic way
And went home with underwear wet.

There once was a young man named Mitch
Who decided the Forest was his niche
So he took his dog home
And he gave her his bone
Saying, dontcha know life is a bitch?


Historical Limericks
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Arthropods:
There was a young lady named Schneider,
Who often kept trysts with a spider.
She found a strange bliss
In the hiss of her piss,
As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.

There was a young man of St. Paul
Whose tool was exceedingly small.
He could bugger a bug
On the edge of a rug,
And the bug hardly felt it at all.

There was a young lady named Mott,
Who inserted a fly up her twat.
And pretended the buzz
Was not what it was,
But something she knew it was not.

There was a young lady of Ulva,
Who kept a pet bee in her handbag,
Her lover, named Jock,
Was stung on the arm,
And to soothe him she bought him a box of best Turkish delight.

There once was a girl so lovely,
Who wanted to make love in the bubbly.
She strapped on her tanks,
And started her pranks,
But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.

There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who was out in the garden a-kneeling,
When by some strange chance
She got ants in her pants,
And invented Virginia reeling.

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Bears:
I'm often quite horny and drunk,
And that beast, he sure was a hunk.
Horny in the woods,
He gave me the goods,
That bear boffed me right in my trunk!

There was a young man of Eau Claire,
Who had an affair with a bear.
But the surly old brute
With a snap of her snoot,
Left him only one ball and some hair.

There was an old person of Ware
Who had an affair with a bear.
He explained, "I don't mind,
For it's gentle and kind,
But I wish it had slightly less hair."

There was a young girl named Miss Randall,
Who kept a young bear cub to dandle.
She said, "In a pinch
This bear cub's six inch
Is almost as good as a candle."

There was a young girl of Eau Claire,
Who once was attacked by a bear.
While chased in a field,
She tripped and revealed
Some meat to the bear that was rare.

There was a young man named St. Clair,
Who tried to make love to a bear.
But the nasty old brute,
Took a swipe at his root,
Leaving nothing but testes and hair.

A girl camper once had an affair
With a fellow all covered with hair.
When she gave him his hat
She realized that
She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.

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Beavers:
Old trappers were oft heard to say
The beaver was not a bad lay.
For the bugger ain't easy
For the timid or queasy
For the tail always gets in the way.

There was a man named McKeever,
Who had an affair with a beaver.
The result of this fuck,
Was a canvasback duck,
Two canoes and an Irish retriever.
   [Alternate lines 3+4: The result of this rape, was a canvasback drake]

A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
The result of this fuck
Was a three titted duck,
A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.

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Birds:
While dining on Thanksgiving turkey,
A woman began acting quirky.
Without saying a word,
She made love to the bird --
The rest of the story gets murky.

A man in fair St. Domingo,
Being blase and worn, said, "By Jingo,
Blast all women and boys,
I'll try some new joys."
So he went out and fucked a flamingo.
   (Published 1880)

An engaged young farmer named Buck,
By his girl, was surprised with a duck.
He said, "You may cry or howl,
But I'm queer for all fowl.
You must glue on feathers to fuck."

Two roosters in one of our pens,
Found their pricks were no larger that wens.
As they looked at their foreskins
And wished they had more skins,
They discovered they'd both become hens.

A museum assistant at Tring,
Gave each bird an identity ring:
One bird could not fly,
But she knew how to lie,
And how to play yang to his ying.

A gruff anthropoid of Piltdown,
Had a strange way of going to town.
With maniacal howls,
He would bugger young owls,
And polish his balls on their down.

A bibliophile, name of Ben,
Had lustful designs on a hen.
Who, with pleasure and pride,
Most obligingly cried,
With a flip of her feathers, "Say when!"

A vice both obscene and unsavoury
Has the Mayor of Southampton in slavery.
With bloodcurdling howls
He deflowers young owls
Which he keeps in an underground aviary.

There was a young man who preferred,
Having sex with some kind of bird.
The rarer the species,
And the fuller of feces,
The better--that guy really loved turd.

There was a young man named O'Rourke,
Heard babies were brought by the stork.
So he went to the zoo
And attempted to screw
One old bird. End result: didn't work.

A vice most wicked and unsavory,
Held the Bishop of Durham in slavery.
For with lecherous howls,
He'd deflower young owls,
In the depths of his underground aviary.
   [John Steinbeck ejected from Stork Club reciting this loudly]

When asked by the Duchess at tea,
If an eggplant I ever did see,
I said "Yes," rather bored.
She said, "Sir, you've explored
Up a hen's ass much further than me.'

In the quaint English villiage of Worcester,
Lived a little red hen and a rooster.
A coquettish glance
She acquired in France,
Gave him ants in his pants, and he goosed her.

A professor of Ethical Culture
Once said to his class, "'Twould insult your
Intelligence if
I said I got stiff
For anything less than a vulture."

While fucking a chicken, young Greg
Said "The best thing's I don't have to beg.
She's open and clear
All the time in the rear
Except when she's laying an egg.

"I've examined this birdie's vagina,"
Said the vet, "and in South Carolina,
An indictment is due
For contributing to
The delinquency, suh, of a mynah!"

Thus spake an old Chinese mandarin,
"There's a subject I'd like to use candor in:
The geese of Pekin
Are so steeped in sin,
They'd as soon let a man as a gander in."

A rooster residing in Spain,
Used to diddle his hens in the rain.
"I give them a bloody
Good time when it's muddy,
Which keeps them from getting too vain."

Great woe befell Bernadine Gotch,
While camped by Franconia Notch.
She was raped by a eagle,
Or maybe a seagull,
Which then built a nest in her crotch.

There was an old man of Santander,
Who attempted to bugger a gander.
But that virtious bird,
Plugged its ass with a turd,
And refused to such low tastes to pander.

There was a young lady of Worcester,
Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.
She woke with a scream,
But 'twas only a dream.
A bump in the mattress had goosed her.

There was a young man from New Haven
Who had an affair with a raven.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"Nevermore!"

There was a young fellow named Spiegel,
Who had an affair with a seagull.
What's worse, do you see,
It wasn't a she,
But a he-gull, and that is illegal.

There was a young preacher from China,
Who loved boys but thought birds diviner.
But he gets no tail;
In fact, he's in jail,
Being charged with corrupting a mynah.

There was a young flirt of Ceylon,
Who loved to lead the boys on.
Instead of follow the leader,
She played follow the 'Leda',
And finally succumbed to a swan.

There was a young man from Toulouse,
Who thought he would diddle a goose.
He hunted and bunted
To get the thing cunted,
But decided it wasn't no use.

There once was a sergeant named Schmitt,
Who wanted a crime to commit.
He thought raping women
Was a little too common,
So he buggered an aged tomtit.

There was a young lad of St. John's,
Who wanted to bugger the swans,
But the loyal hall porter,
Said, "No! Take my daughter!
The swans are reserved for the dons."

There was a young person of Kent,
Who was famous wherever he went.
All the way through a fuck,
He would quack like a duck,
And he crowed like a cock when he spent.

A marvelous bird is the toucan,
Who when engaged in a screw can
Stand on his head,
Shove beak in instead.
If you think that's a cinch, see if you can.

There was a young man from Peru,
Who, one day when he had nothing to do,
He pulled out his carrot,
And buggered a parrot,
And sent the result to the zoo.
   [Alternate Line 2: Who was hard up for something to do]

There once was a dirty old beast
Who, when asked to confess by the priest,
Said, "Bugger religion!
Let's look at your pigeon."
And gave him two inches, at least.

There was a young lady of Ulva,
Whose music hall turn with a culver,
Evoked great applause
As she tore off her drawers
And induced it to swoop up her vulva.
   (culver - dove, rock pigeon)

This bird is the Keel-billed Toucan,
Whose size doesn't do what his hue can,
His color scheme rates
A succession of dates,
Which consist of just settin' and lookin'.

There was an old lady of Harrow,
Whose views were exceedingly narrow.
At the end of her paths,
She built two bird baths,
For the different sexes of sparrow.

A rooster became quite dismayed,
with an orange in a nest, well displayed.
He called to his chicks,
"Mom's up to her tricks!
Look at the orange 'marma-laid'."

But the very next day,
So the chronicles say,
The ingenious man from Uganda
With a patent corkscrew
The obstruction withdrew,
And successfully buggered the gander.
   [yes, I know it's not a limerick :) ]

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Camels and Kin:
A dashing romantic vicuna
Fell in love with a fifty-pound tuna.
At a neighborhood gym
He was soon taught to swim,
And in no time at all he was scruna.

A promiscuous person named Willy,
Had a dong that was simply a dilly.
He would take on all mammals
Was partial to camels,
But they never could tolerate Willy.

A habit obscene and bizarre
Has taken a hold of papa.
He brings home young camels
And other odd mammals,
And gives them a go at mama.

A New Jerseyite born in Paramus,
Offered all of us one of life's dramas.
He went to the zoo,
And before a long queue,
Of men, he screwed one of the llamas.

The Harvard don down at El Dim,
Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
With the whole harem randy,
The sheik himself handy,
To muss up a young camel's quim?

A wily old shiek of Arabia,
Said, "My eunuchs tell me there may be a
Great dearth of Circassians,
To surfeit my passions.
But my camel's here--labia are labia."

On the plains of north-central Tibet,
They've thought of the strangest thing yet.
On the ass of a camel,
They pour blue enamel,
And bugger the beast while it's wet.

There once was a Bactrian camel,
Who was bound by no fetter or trammel.
When he tried to make hay,
In his Bactrian way,
His wife said, "Make me; I'm a mammal."

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Cats:
When Father John wanted a screw,
He'd stuff a fat cat in a shoe,
Pull up his cassock,
And kneel on a hassock,
While doing his damnedest to mew.

Said a certain young maid of Tortuga,
"How I wish I could mate with a cougar.
The sheer joy of the matching
Would be worth all the scratching."
But her friends think she's clearly meshugga.
   (meshugga - crazy)

The Mahatma on Mt. Himavat
Opined as he diddled a cat,
"She's a far better piece
Than the Viceroy's niece
Who has also more fur on her prat."

A novelist from Tortilla Flats
Repeatedly buggered stray cats.
The alley fence howls
As he stirred up their bowels
Enormously pleased the town's rats!

Said a Frenchman who lived at Sans Souci,
"Superstition?  Mon Dieu!  C'est tout fou, si?
Why only ce soir
I buggaired un chat noir;
To un homme virile, poussy is poussy."

There was an old spinster from Fife,
Who had never been kissed in her life.
Along came a cat,
And she said, "I'll kiss that!"
But the cat meowed, "Not on your life."

There once was a young man from Yuma
Who attempted sex with a puma
He gave up real quick
Minus nose, toes, and prick
In obvious pain and ill huma.

   [alternate versions:]
   There was a young fellow from Yuma
   Who essayed to bugger a puma.
   In the midst of his frolics
   It clawed off his bollicks
   Leaving both in a very bad humor.

   Here's to old King Montezuma,
   Who once tried to bugger a puma.
   The puma in play
   Clawed both balls away--
   How's that for animal humour?

There was a young fellow named Spratt,
Who was terribly sassy and fat.
He sat amusing himself
By abusing himself,
While his trained leopard licked at his pratt.

There once was a lady from Niger,
Who had an affair with a Tiger.
The result of the f__k
Was a bald headed duck,
Two gnats, and a circumcized spider.

[The next six come from a small book "Sex and the Single Cat," published in 1964.]

There once was a pussy conceited,
Whom all the Cat-Show judges entreated,
"If you'd stick out your necks,
And give points for SEX,
I am sure I'd remain undefeated!"

Said a crafty old Siamese,
"Let the younger Toms pounce from the trees.
They chase her about
'Til she's all tired out,
While I rest 'til she's weak in the knees."

Feather soft, angel white,
I let Angora out tonight.
Appearance misleading,
Her mind is on breeding,
And she'll come home looking a fright!

In search of exotic diversion
Tom had an affair with a Persian.
But beneath all that fur
She wasn't a her.
Now, Tom's accused of perversion.

My Tom cat has a creed
Which he applies indiscriminately to each breed:
Every critter
Gets a litter
No exceptions -- save for extraordinary speed.

After the hundred fiftieth kitten
I figgered she liked it too much to be quittin',
So I had the gal spayed,
Now she never gets laid.
Cause she's too busy just sittin' and sittin'.

[ Back to the Menu ]

Cattle:
You'd think nothing happens in Kzyltu
And god knows there's hours to kill too.
But the randy young Kazaks
Bugger long-suffering Yaks--
There's always a way, when there's will to!

Quoth a cow in the marshes of Glynne,
"All the world is divine, even sin!
As a natural creature,
I worship all nature,
But most when the bull rush is in.

A slow-footed stockman called Beales,
Fell down, with a bull at his heels.
When trying to rise,
He got quite a surprise,
Learning something of what a cow feels.

A dairyman living in Slough
Fell madly in love with his cow.
He made love in a bed
With the beast, it is said,
But no one has quite explained how.

A cowhand way out in Seattle,
Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
He said, "No, I can't fuck
A lamb or a duck,
But golly! It just fits the cattle.

In a meadow a man named Llewelyn
Had a dream he was bundling with Helen.
When he woke he discovered
A bull had him covered
With ballocks as big as a melon.

A farmer I know named O'Doole
Has a long and incredible tool.
He can use it to plow,
Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue-stick at pool.

An athletic young girl of Papua,
Invited a bull to pursue her.
She vaulted the gate
Just a little too late;
And now when she laughs, she says, "Oo-ah!"

Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke,
Made love to a cow as a joke.
He found pleasure divine
With his friendly bovine;
Now they call him the old cowpoke.

A foolish young cowboy named Lear
Put spanish fly in his beer.
After drinking this potion
Overcome with emotion
He buggered six cows and a steer.

From the train, a young soldier named Jack
Said goodbye, as he leaned out to smack
The lips of his chick,
But the train took off quick
And he kissed a cow's ass down the track.

A Brahman who lives in Bombay,
Shrieked with horror and fainted away,
When he found that somehow
He had buggered a cow.
(Her "Moo" was what gave it away.)

A very strange lad from Glasgow,
Took all of his meals with his cow.
He explained, "It's uncanny,
She's so like Aunt Fanny!"
But he didn't indicate how.

Ten cows munching grass by the wall.
Two bulls wander out of their stall.
The young bull shouts, "Run!
We can each enjoy one!"
The old bull says, "Walk, and have all."

A milkmaid of Warnesbury Fair,
Was an expert at riding bulls bare.
Oh, how the bulls gallop,
To give that dear trollop,
A bounce on her sweet dairy-air.

An amourous bull known as Morton,
Was arrested for stampin' and snortin'.
When released from his cell
He was madder than hell,
For the season had passed for cavortin'.

A heifer from up near the Soo,
When approached by a bull, answered "Moo."
Then she took the wrong tack,
And lay down on her back;
But the bull figured out what to do.

There was a young farmer named Max,
Who avoided the gasoline tax.
It was simple, you see,
For his Vespa burned pee
From his grandfather's herd of tame yaks.

There was a young man of Seattle,
Who bested a bull in a battle.
With fire and gumption
He assumed the bull's function
And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.

There was a young harlot named Tyson,
Who conceived mad love for a bison.
After loves's fruition,
Her snatch's condition,
Was never again so enticing.

There was a prim lady from Poole,
Who dreamed she was had by a bull.
The balls were outsize,
And so were her cries,
It was all cock and bull, the young fool.

There was a young girl from Seattle
Who loved to be rogered by cattle,
'Til a bull from Montana
Attacked in a manner
That made both her ovaries rattle.

   [alternate versions:]
   There was a young girl from Seattle,
   Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
   But a bull from the South,
   Left a wad in her mouth
   That made both her ovaries rattle.

   A lusty young maid from Seattle
   Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
   Till she found a bull
   Who filled her so full
   It made both her ovaries rattle.

A noted torero named Janus,
Was censored for conduct quite heinous.
He was told, "On the bull,
Use your sword, not your tool,
And aim for the neck, not the anus."

When the cows spied the bull in erection,
One said with a moo of affection,
"Bulls are sure heifer-shockers,
Get a load of his knockers.
They near-hang the ground in perfection!"
   [From Sex-to-Sexty #4 Grand Prix Limerix (1001), 1968]

[ Back to the Menu ]

Cetaceans:
Love and sex among mammals aquatic,
Is seldom, if ever, quite static.
When the giant sperm whale
Impales his female,
The results are both loud and dramatic.

A sailor indulged in coitus
With a cow of the genus of Cetus.
Piscatologists thundered,
Biologists wondered
At the anchor tattooed on the foetus.

[ Back to the Menu ]

Deer:
An old maid phoned the Desk and said "Joe,
There's such noise in the room down below."
"Well, they're holding," he sighed
"An Elk's ball just inside."
"Well, then tell 'em," she said, "to let go."

[ Back to the Menu ]

Dinosaurs:
A comely young cave girl named Doris
Was raped by a male brontosaurus.
She exclaimed, "For a word
To explain what occurred,
I'd have to consult my thesaurus."

There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
It was good for large whores,
And for small dinosaurs,
And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.

A young Russian rake named Boris,
Fell in love with a stuffed brontosaurus.
Each night you could see him
In the Moscow Museum
Caressing that Stone-age clitoris.

A paleontologist, Locke,
Found a fossilized Jurassic cock.
"Is it a Tyrannosaurus?
It's long, black and porous--
And Damn! It's still hard as a rock!"

[ Back to the Menu ]

Dogs:
A man who was richer than Croesus
Enjoyed being sucked off by feices
Till a vicious old hound
Thought his stake was ground round,
And chewed it completely to pieces.

A very low dachshund named Wally
Fell in love with an oversized Collie.
Though his passions grew madder,
The story turned sadder,
For his dogged attempts were sheer folly.

No fellow could fuck with Miss Bright,
For it seems that her cunt was too tight.
So she called her retriever,
Who sniffed up her beaver,
And he licked on her pussy all night.

A big wooly dog named Lee,
Had a host of friends to see.
So he paced the street,
On all four feet
But visited mainly on three.

A fox hound retired from the hunt,
His olfactory lobes had grown blunt
To the scent of the fox,
But he still would sniff rocks,
For the mystical fragrance of cunt.

It seems a lewd lady named Hines
Loves to fuck all the larger canines.
It's a manlike sensation
Without procreation
Which fits in with her feelthy designs!

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
to get her poor dog a bone,
But when she bent over,
Old Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
   [Not exactly a limerick, but a classic anyway]

A broken-down harlot named Tupps
Was heard to confess in her cups,
"The height of my folly
Was fucking a collie--
But I got a nice price for the pups."

There once was a fellow named Siegel,
Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
But the mettlesome bitch,
Turned and said with a twitch,
"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."

There once was a man from Geneva,
Who buggered a black bitch retriever.
The result was a sow,
Two horses, a cow,
Three lambs and a London coal-heaver.

There was a young lady named Florence,
Who for fucking professed an abhorrence.
But they found her in bed,
With her cunt flaming red,
And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.

There was an old man from near here
Who got awfully drunk on some beer.
He fell in a ditch
and a son-of-a-bitch
Of a bull dog fucked him in the ear.

There once was a fiesty young terrier
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
He'd yip and he'd yap,
Then leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derriere the merrier.

There once was a lady of Dover,
Who said to her husband, "Move over.
I don't give a damn
For the charms of a man.
(Wheet Wheet) Come along, Rover.

There was an old maid of Vermont
Who said, "I'll do just as I want.
I let my dog Spot
Lick my ass and my twat;
And I do it in front of my aunt."

There once was a Dutchman named Spiegle
Who slept with an elegant beagle.
As the crawled in bed,
He wistfully said,
"It'll be much better if you wiggle."

There once was a Duchess of Beever
Who slept with her golden retriever.
Said the potted old Duke:
"Such tricks make me puke!
Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."

There was an old feminine blighter
Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
She would cream her own pool
While she sucked off his tool --
How his cock in her cunt would excite her!

There was a young woman, a writer,
Who trained her pet dog to delight her.
She'd suck and she'd lick
At his lengthening prick,
Then his cock in her cunt would excite her.

There was a young man from Bangore,
Who was tired and said to his whore,
"If you'll only roll over,
I'll get my dog Rover,
And you can have six inches more."

There was an old bulldog named Caesar,
Who went for a cat just to tease her;
But she spat and she spit,
Till the old bulldog quit.
Now when poor Caesar sees her, he flees her.

There was a young man of Bengal
Who went to a fancy dress ball.
Just for a whim
He dressed up as a quim
And was had by a dog in the hall.

   [alternate version:]
   There was a young man of Bengal
   Who went to a fancy dress ball.
   Just for a stunt
   He dressed up as a cunt
   And was fucked by a dog in the hall.

It's dollars to doughnuts, that Dolly,
Will someday regret her low folly.
This nympho craves men,
But is known, now and then,
To borrow the neighbor's big collie.

A sensitive spinster from Dover
Hid her head in a sack till 'twas over.
So she wasn't to blame
That her paramour's name
Wasn't Nigel or Dick -- it was Rover.

Said the toy poodle to the Great Dane,
"Your altitude I'd NEVER gain!
But your scent in full heat
Is a sweet, sexy treat,
So don't think, my dear, I complain."
   [From Sex-to-Sexty #4 Grand Prix Limerix (1001), 1968]

A nervous small dog known as Willie
Complained, "THIS situation is silly!
That bitch is good tail,
But I'm certain to fail . . .
I'm too short . . . she's as big as a filly!"
   [From Super-Sex-to-Sexty #7 Grand Prix Limerix (295 illustrated), 1969]

[ Back to the Menu ]

Donkeys and Mules:
My sweetheart's a mule in the mines
And I drive her without reins or lines.
On the bumper I stand
With my jock in my hand
And ram it up my sweetheart's behind.

Said a man with a turbulent penis:
"I wish the whole world could have seen us.
For I stood on a stool
And buggered a mule
And created a whole brand-new Genus."

There once was a man from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
'Twas not round and pink
As you might think,
But was grey, had long ears and ate grass.

There was an old hostler named Rains
Posessed of more bollocks than brains.
He stood on a stool
To bugger a mule
And got kicked in the balls for his pains.

A muscular Turk of Stamboul,
Tried to screw a recalcitrant mule.
He climbed on a haystack,
Overlooking a racetrack,
And dived in all covered with drool.

[ Back to the Menu ]

Elephants:
When a girl with a hung-over head,
Found an elephant sharing her bed
In the dawn's early light,
She then groaned, "I was tight!"
"To begin with," the pachyderm said.

The Communist Party's Earl Browder
Was fucking a girl in a howda.
The elephant's trunk
Somehow got in her cunt
Which, they felt, made it terribly crowded.

There was an old Hindu mahout,
Who said, "What's all this blithering about?
Why I have shot spunk,
Up an elephant's trunk."
Cries of "Shame!", "Kick his ass!", "Throw him out!"

There was a young Nubian prince
Whose cock could make elephants wince.
Once, while socking the sperm
To a large pachyderm
He slipped, and has not been seen since.

A famous zoologist, Vundrum,
Was posed a perplexing conundrum:
Where to locate what falls,
From an elephant's balls.
And he said, "Vy, it's simple, look undrum."

[ Back to the Menu ]

Fish:
A fisherman off of Cape Cod
Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
But the high-minded fish
Resented his wish,
And nimbly swam off with his rod.

The notorious Duchess of Peels
Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
Said she, "Would you mind?
Shove one up my behind,
I am anxious to know how it feels."

A virtuous maid name of Quinn,
Waded into the lake for a swim.
But a fish wormed inside her,
And started to ride her,
Now seaweed grows out of her quim.

A speedy young swimmer named Block
Was the fastest away from the dock.
He broke records galore
Til they found that he wore
An electric eel stuffed in his jock.

There once was a man of Cape Cod,
Who attemped to bugger a cod,
When up came some scallops,
And nibbled his bollocks,
And now he's a eunuch, by God.

There was a fat wench of Capri,
Who tumbled one day in the sea.
She returned from the splash,
With a shark in her gash,
And her face was transfigured with glee.

There was a young girl from Batonger,
Who was jazzing herself with a conger.
When asked how it feels,
To be pleasured by eels,
She replied, "Like a man, only longer."

There was a young lady from Teal,
Who was raped in the lake by an eel.
One morning at dawn,
She gave birth to a prawn,
Two crabs, and a small baby seal.

A lovely young diver named Nancy,
Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
The fish of Bonaire,
Watched her Derriere,
And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.

[ Back to the Menu ]

Gnus:
When bored with the old tried-and-true way,
As well as the dildo-in-lieu way,
A zookeeper's wife
Put zest in her life
With a fling at "a fabulous gnu way"!

A sweaty young yeti named Betty,
Had a love in the park, Serengeti.
An ungainly old gnu,
Who was faithful and true,
With love ready and heady and steady.

I was thrilled when I went to the zoo;
They allowed me to bugger a gnu.
An F.R.Z.S.
Remarked to me, "Yes,
It's a privilege granted to few."
   (F.R.Z.S. - Friends of Royal Zoological Society ??)

There was a young man from Peru,
Who attempted to bugger a gnu.
Said the gnu, "Pederasty
Is decidedly nasty,
But you may slip up my slough for a sou.

[ Back to the Menu ]

Goats:
Two she-camels spied on a goat,
And then jealously said, "You will note
She leaves the sheik's tent
With her tail oddly bent,
And hanks of hair pulled from her coat."

The herder who hailed from Terre Haute
Fell in love with a young nanny goat.
The daughter he sired
Was greatly admired
For her beautiful angora coat.

One morning Mahatma Gandhi
Had a hard-on, and it was a dandy.
So he said to his aide,
"Please, bring me a maid,
Or a goat, or whatever is handy."

There was an old maid in Nantucket,
Had an asshole as big as a bucket.
While bent over the oven,
A-dreamin' of lovin',
Her goat seized the moment to fuck it.

The village was giddy with rumors
Of a goat who was suffering from tumors.
Cans and library paste
Were quite to his taste,
But he choked on Elizabeth's bloomers.

As the rabbi was cutting the throat
Of the annual tribal scapegoat,
Said the beast, "I will cite you
As a sodomite! You
Forget what we did on the boat!"

There was an old man of Tashkent,
Who slept with twelve goats in a tent.
When asked, "Do they smell?"
He said, "Oh quite well,
But so far they don't mind my scent."

[ Back to the Menu ]

Horses:
A cavernous cutie named Miller
Finds very few fellows can thrill her.
So she goes for a pony
With a big pink baloney--
Too bad for the chaps that can't fill her.

An equestrian nympho named Bobbie
Has a mount with an organ quite knobby.
What began as a whim -
Feeling knobs on her quim -
Has developed; that horse is her hobby!

Lizzie, I'm told by my source,
Has had intercourse with a horse.
Her husband named Bernie
Has seen an attorney,
And was told he has grounds for divorce.

A bestialist out on a mission
"Horse sex!" that was his ambition.
He lifted her tail
She kicked, he did sail
But now he's in stable condition.

A zoophile born under Cancer,
Joined up as a cavalry lancer,
But he died of despair,
When his favorite mare,
Was replaced by a motorized panzer.

A cowboy when filled with strong beer
Loved to roger his horse from the rear.
When asked if he'd care
If it wasn't a mare
Said: "Of course I would care; I'm not queer."

A sailor boy, tall and banale
Met up with a femme fatale.
Though he tried every ruse
She denied him her mews--
She prefered a Me'nage cheval.

A venerable Indian rajah
Once decreed that all cunts should be made larger.
And, until it was done
That he'd have his fun
With the arse of his favourite charger.

Two pretty young things named Mahony,
Once tickled a horse's baloney.
With a spurt and a splash,
They fell with a crash,
And no one knew which had the Toni.

A ranchero in Old Monterey
Put his mares in a family way.
His offspring thus sired,
Were so widely admired,
Their young run the state to this day.

With his shoes some two feet of the ground
The farmhand one morning was found.
With his prick, to the belly
In the ass of old Nelly
But he said: "I'm just horsing around."

There was a young man of King's Cross,
Who amused himself frigging a horse.
Then, licking the spend
Which still dripped from the end,
Said, "It tastes just like anchovy sauce."

There was a young man, a Maltese
Who could even screw horses with ease.
He'd flout natural laws
In this manner because
Of his dong, which hung down to his knees.

There was a young farmer named Morse,
Who fell madly in love with his horse.
Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
That horse is a stallion!
This constitutes grounds for divorce!"

There was a young girl of Antietam,
Who liked horse turds so well she could eat 'em.
She'd lie on their rumps
And swallow the lumps
As fast as the beasts could excrete 'em.

There was a dray horse from Monique,
Who made love to a mare twice a week.
He preferred twice a day
But the mare would say "Nay."
For it gave her a sway-backed physique.

There was a young man of Adair
Who thought he would diddle a mare.
He climbed up a ladder
And jolly well had her,
With his backside a-wave in the air.

There was a man from Madras
Who took pleasure in jerking a horse
He swallowed the cum
And saved some
And said "Hmm, this tastes like Barbecue Sauce"

There once was a horse named Lily
Whose dingus was really a dilly.
It was vaginoid duply,
And labial quadruply --
In fact, he was really a filly.

1. There once was a clergyman's daughter
   Who detested the pony he bought her,
   Till she found that its dong
   Was as hard and as long
   As the prayers her father had taught her.

2. She married a fellow named Tony
   Who soon found her fucking the pony.
   Said he, "What's it got,
   My dear, that I've not?"
   Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."

Her lovely Mare's head?  She tossed it;
Her infrequent Mare temper?  She lost it;
She said, "Let me affirm,
I don't mind frozen sperm,
But, for gawd sakes!  Remember!  DEFROST IT!"
   [forwarded to the Equine-L mailing list]

There was a young lady from Geneva
Who purchased a horse to relieve her
The result of the f&^k,
Was a pig and a duck,
A steak, and a golden retriever.

[ Back to the Menu ]

Micro-Organisms:
A problem that's very worth stating,
Researching, exploring, debating,
Is if we can tell,
From out friends with one cell,
Whether splitting's as much fun as mating.

There was a young woman named Sheba,
Who loved a Teutonic amoeba.
This primordial jelly,
Would crawl on her belly,
And murmur, "Ich liebe, ich liebe."

   [alternate version:]
   A niece of the late Queen of Sheba
   Was promiscuous with an amoeba
   The queer blob of jelly
   Would lie on her belly
   And quivering, murmer, "Ich liebe!"

[ Back to the Menu ]

Moles:
There was a young man from Woods Hole,
Who had an affair with a mole.
Though a bit of a nancy,
He did like to fancy
Himself in the dominant role.

There was an old lecher named Sholes
Who longed to deflower young moles.
Although he aspired,
He was always too tired
After digging them out of their holes.

There was a young lady of Wohl's Hill,
Who sat herself down on a mole's hill.
The resident mole
Stuck his head up her hole--
The lady's in bliss, but the mole's ill.

[ Back to the Menu ]

Pigs:
The wife of a farmer in Stoke,
Always one for a dubious joke,
Caught her sow in the act,
And reported the fact
To her spouse as "a pig in a poke."

There was a young man of Newminster Court
Buggered a pig, but his prick was too short.
Said the hog, "It's not nice,
But pray take my advice,
Make tracks, or by the police you'll be caught."
   (Published in 1897)

An alluring young shoat of Paris,
Fills all of her suitors with glee,
For when they implore
Her to give a bit more,
She invariably answers "Wee Wee!"

There was a young man from Nantucket
Took a pig in a thicket to fuck it.
Said the pig, "Oh, I'm queer,
Get away from my rear.
Come around to the front, and I'll suck it."

There once was a fellow named Fogg
Who attempted to bugger a hog.
While engaged in his frolics
The hog ate his bollix,
And now he's a eunuch, by God.

There was an old person of Sark,
Who buggered a pig in the dark.
The swine, in surprise,
Murmured, "God blast your eyes,
Do you take me for Boulton* or Park*?"
   [* - Famous homosexual trial of 1870]

There was an old farmer named Swift,
Who went into town and got spiffed.
He awoke in a a sty,
With a sow standing by,
And said, "Now, dear, no use getting miffed!"

There once was a man of Belfast
Whose balls out of iron were cast.
He'd managed somehow
To bugger a sow,
Thus you get pig-iron, at last.

1. An old desert rat called Burdew,
   Came to town one day for a screw.
   He threw down a quarter
   And drawled out, "That orter
   Cover a quick poke or two."

2. The madam looked very askance
   At the grime on his shirt and his pants,
   His scruffy grey beard,
   The eyes that went weird,
   And the odor that wasn't from France.

3. "Old Fellow", she said with a grin,
   "For a quarter, I'll let you right in,
   To a room that's just ripe
   For a man of your type,
   And a gal that's ideal for your sin."

4. The prospector's eyes went aglow,
   As the fires began burning below.
   His hands started shaking,
   And his knees were a-quaking.
   It was plain he was raring to go.

5. So they led him out back of the place,
   To a shed with just enough space,
   For the fattest pink sow,
   He'd seen anyhow,
   With a sort of sweet smile on her face.

6. Burdew shoved everyone aside,
   Slammed the door and was quickly astride
   His porky delight,
   Where he spent the whole night,
   In a passionate piggyback ride!

7. At daybreak, Burdew poked his head
   Out of the tumbled-down shed,
   With a satisfied sigh,
   He said, "Miss Piggy and I
   Will be having our breakfast in bed."

[ Back to the Menu ]

Pinnipeds:
A round-bottomed babe from Mobile
Longed for years to be screwed by a seal.
But out at the zoo,
They just said, "No can do."
Though the seal is all hot for the deal.

[ Back to the Menu ]

Porcupines:
A horney old trapper named Rex,
Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex.
By incredible luck,
His dick never got stuck,
But his balls were just pitiful wrecks.

[ Back to the Menu ]

Primates:
There was a young girl of Geneva,
A gorilla she got to relieve 'er.
The result of the fuck
Was a hen and a duck,
A snake and a bloody retriever.

An old maid who had a pet ape
Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
His red, hairy phallus
So filled her with malice
That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.

The latest reports from Good Hope,
State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
And fuck high, wide and free,
From the top of one tree
To the top of the next--what a scope!

There once was a sacred baboon
That lived by the river Rangoon,
And all of the women
That came to go swimmin'
He'd bang by the light of the moon.

Nude 'neath her coat of chinchilla,
The duchess set forth from her villa.
She said, "James, to the zoo,
I have nothing to do,
So I'll service their bachelor gorilla."

The eminent Mrs. DeVue
Was born in a cage at the zoo.
And the curious rape
Which made her an ape
Is highly fantastic, if true.

The duchess of Whiteside cried, "Rape!"
When she found in her bedroom, an ape.
The ape said, "You ass!
Go look in the glass."
And left by the fire escape.

Said the horrible whore of Lahore,
While ape-fucking against a door,
"This orang-utang
Is better than bhang--
The penis of man's quite a bore."

There was an old Scot named MacTavish
Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
The object of rape
Was the wrong sex of ape
And the anthropoid ravished MacTavish.
   [alternate lines 3 and 4: In his haste for the rape, He got the wrong ape]

There was an old man of the Cape
Who buggered a Barbary ape.
Said the ape, "Sir, your prick
Is too long and too thick,
And something is wrong with the shape."

   [alternate lines 3-5:]
   The ape said, "You fool!
   You've got a square tool;
   You've buggered my arse out of shape."

There was a young man from Dundee
Who buggered an ape in a tree.
The result was most horrid:
All ass and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee.

There once was a girl from Manila
Who gave head to a two-ton gorilla.
Now when she described
The taste she imbibed,
She stated, "It sure ain't vanilla!"

There was an old man of Khartoum,
Who kept a baboon in his room.
"It reminds me," he said,
"Of a lady who's dead."
But he never would tell us of whom.

There was a young lady from Leeper,
Who was raped by an ape in her sleeper.
When nine months were through,
She called up the zoo,
And gave the results to the keeper.

There was a young man from Westphalia
Who yearly go tailier and tailier,
Till he took on the shape
Of a Barbary ape,
With the consequent paraphanalia.

A Fat-tailed Dwarf Lemur, in bed,
With the father of hangovers, said,
"My very large rudder
Makes most females shudder,
And now I've acquired a fat head."

1. A spinster in Kalamazoo
   Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
   She was seized by the nape,
   And got fucked by an ape,
   And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."

2. And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
   But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
   A man with a prick
   Half as stiff and as thick
   As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."

There was once a man who one day
Sailed with a zoo to bombay
He was strapped to the tiller 
By a sex-mad Gorilla,
And Bombay is a flippin' long way!!!

There once was a chick in Cancun
Who wanted to fuck a baboon
She straddled the monkey
But then acted funky
For the ape was too big for her poon

[ Back to the Menu ]

Rabbits:
The thought of the rabbit on sex,
Are seldom, if ever, complex.
For a rabbit in need,
Is a rabbit indeed,
And does just as a person expects.

There was once an unbalanced he-rabbit,
Who had the deplorable habit,
Of viewing the cunny
Of each female bunny,
Then using his pecker to jab it.

A horny young man had the habit,
Of sating his urge on a rabbit.
He was asked, by some folk,
"Are they too small to poke?"
He said, "No, the hard part is to grab it."

It is the unfortunate habit
Of the rabbit to breed like a rabbit.
One can say without question,
This leads to congestion,
In the burrows that rabbits inhabit.

[ Back to the Menu ]

Reptiles and Amphibians:
A princess who lived near a bog,
Met a prince in the form of a frog.
Now she and her prince
Are the parents of quints,
Four boys and a fine pollywog.

1. There was a young girl who would make,
   Advances to snake after snake.
   She said, "I'm not vicious,
   Or that superstitious!
   I do it for Grandmother's sake."

2. Another young lady would make
   Advances to snake after snake.
   Though men she had met
   Got her diaphragm wet
   She wanted her glottis to shake.

An old maid in the land of Aloha
Got wrapped in the coils of a boa;
And as the snake squeezed,
The old maid, not displeased,
Cried "Darling!  I love it!  Samoa!"

A German explorer named Schlichter
Had a yen for a boa constrictor.
When he lifted the tail,
Achtung! It was male!
The constrictor, not Schlichter, was victor.

A sexy young swinger named Myrtle
Had quite an affair with a turtle.
Her swelling abdominal
Was truly phenomenal,
Showing Myrtle the turtle was fertile.

Said a lovely young maiden named Lake,
Most pervertedly fond of a snake,
"If my good friend, the boa,
Shoots spermatazoa,
What offspring we'll leave in our wake."

A yogi named Parmimahanda,
Thought love with a cobra was danda,
'Til the flick of a fang,
In the shank of the yang,
Left him dead upon the veranda.

Minnehaha was washing her clothes,
Unexpectant of sorrows or woes.
A snake, a sidewinder,
Crawled in her behinder,
Wiggled 'round and came out of her nose.

There was a young man named Victor,
Who boogered a boa constrictor.
The result of this rape,
Was two miles of Scotch tape,
And three reels from an old Tarzan picture.

There once was a gay young Parisian,
Who came to an awful decision.
For his sexual joys
He'd have women and boys,
And snakes too, and no supervision!

There was a young person of Wyper,
Who fell madly in love with a viper.
With screams of delight,
He'd retire each night,
With the viper concealed in his diaper.

There was a young lady named Peaches,
Who frequented the very best beaches.
She refused the lifeguard,
Though he breast-stroked her hard,
She preferred to be sucked off by leeches.

There was a young lady named Myrtle
Who had an affair with a turtle.
She had crabs, so they say
In a year and a day
Which proves that the turtle was fertile

There was a young lady named Knox,
Who kept a pet snake in her box.
It was trained not to hiss,
When she sat down to piss,
But would bite the head off of cocks.

There was a young artist named Victor
Who purchased a boa constrictor.
He intended to sketch her
But decided (the lecher!)
To fuck her instead of depict her.

There was a young lady, Miss Rhodes,
Who sinned in unusual modes.
At the height of her fame,
She abruptly became
The mother of four dozen toads.

There was a young girl from Decatur,
Who was fucked by an old alligator.
No one ever knew,
How she relished that screw,
For after he fucked her, he ate her.

There was a young man of Madras,
Who was having a boy in the grass.
Then a cobra-capello
Said, "Hello, young fellow!"
And bit a piece out of his ass.

There once was a priestess of Set
Whom a shaman pursued on a bet.
Though she turned into a snake,
He won the stake,
But it's something he'd rather forget.

I once knew a kingsnake named Elvis,
With a less than vestigial pelvis.
And the bulge in his jeans
Came from snake hemipenes.
I'm almost embarrassed to tell this.

The old crocodile sampled his tool
As he lay in repose in the pool.
He spat and thought "My,
But I taste rather high,
Am I flavored like THIS as a rule?"
   [From Sex-to-Sexty #4 Grand Prix Limerix (1001), 1968]

[ Back to the Menu ]

Rodents and Such:
There was a young mouse named Gracian.
As a lifeguard he was a sensation.
All the lady mice raved,
And screamed to be saved,
By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation!

The tiniest animal, the shrew,
Is known for the three-second screw.
He'll repeat it at will,
On any mole hill,
And his head is all that turns blue.

Said the famous composer, R. Strauss,
When asked why he buggered a mouse,
"Though its cunt is quite tiny,
On occasion its heiny
Will stretch quite as big as a house."

There was a young fellow named Price
Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
He had virgins and boys
And mechanical toys,
And on Mondays...he meddled with mice!

[ Back to the Menu ]

Sea Creatures:
There was a brave damsel of Brighton,
Whom nothing could possibly frighten.
She plunged in the sea
And, with infinite glee,
Was fucked in the ass by a Triton.

It began with a horny squid's wink,
At a scuba girl, nude in the drink.
She grew hot as his arms
Foldled mammary charms.
Then succumbed when they tickled her pink.

A passionate girl from Madrid,
Once had an affair with a squid.
She said, "I've tried eels
And disported with seals,
But once you've been squid, you've been "did."

An adventurous fun-loving polyp
Propositioned a cute little scallop
Down under the sea:
"Nothing doing," said she;
"By Triton, you think I'm a trollop?"

A scandal involving an oyster,
Sent the Countess of Clewes to a cloister.
She preferred shellfish in bed,
To the Count, so she said,
For they're longer, and stronger, and moister.

1. A zoologist's daughter in Ewing,
   Gave birth to a bottle of bluing.
   Her father said, "Flo,
   What I want to know,
   Isn't whether, but what you've been screwing.

2. The girl replied, quick as a wink,
   "My child isn't bluing, it's ink,"
   The professor said, "Ah,
   Then, no doubt its papa,
   Is the squid that I keep in the sink."

[ Back to the Menu ]

Sheep:
We treat Mary (of unknown locality)
And her lamb without proper formality.
Let me ask: Do we view
A young ram or a ewe?
Just pure Love? Or a budding bestiality?

The harlots of London are frightful,
And the fairies, the bastards, are spiteful.
But I'm not in a heat,
For I happened to meet
A sheep in Hyde Park. 'Twas delightful.

There once was a penguin we knew,
He liked nothing better than to screw.
Give him a sheep,
He's put it in deep,
And then try to give it to you.

When Theocritus guarded his flock,
He piped in the shade of a rock.
It is said that his Muse
Was one of the ewes,
With a bum like a pink hollyhock.

"This plot," said old farmer McGraw
"I hold in great reverence and awe.
For here on the grass
I had my first piece of ass
While her mother stood by and said 'Baa'"

A sheep-herder out in Van Buren
Lost half of his flock to the murrain.
Quoth the state veterinary,
"You ought not to carry
Them live spirochetes of your'n."

We know now that Icheabod Creep
Makes sexual use of a sheep.
He patronized whores
In our local stores,
Till he found out that sheep were so cheap.

A Wyoming rancher would creep
Out at night to inseminate sheep.
He had to feel fleece
Before he could release,
Now his wife wears wool panties to sleep.

A shepherd named Jim Fitzhugh,
Said to his sweetheart, "It's true.
Nothing is moister
Than a fresh oyster,
Unless, of course, it is ewe.

It seems that a man named Heep,
Sates his lust on a flock of young sheep.
He used to screw whores,
Till afflicted with sores,
He said, "Ewes are clean, and they're cheap!"

On the talk show last night, Dr. Ellis,
The sex shrink, took two hours to tell us,
It's all right to enjoy,
A rosy-cheeked boy,
So long as your sheep don't get jealous.

On his knees at the back of a sheep
The shepherd was getting in deep.
He said "Gosh what a breeze!
For I save the stud fees
And all of the lambs I can keep."

Old shepherds most often are queer.
The whole female sex, they do fear.
They spurn marriage beds,
Preferring instead,
To bugger their sheep from the rear.

A bugger who buggered some sheep,
Tried to bugger a ewe while asleep,
Who awoke with a start
And ripped a great fart.
Now he's covered in shit three feet deep.

A shepherd who came from Bangkok,
Used to dabble in watered-down stock.
His peculiar perversion
Was total immersion
Till he drowned all the sheep in his flock.

The hardon of sheepherder Crewes,
Was one that he just couldn't lose.
He'd no girls to assault,
So perhaps one can't fault
His putting his dick to good ewes.

There once was a laddie of Neep,
Who demanded everything cheap.
When he wanted to screw,
There was nothing to do
But to take out his passion on sheep.

There was a young lad named Sutton,
Who said, as he carved up the mutton,
"My father preferred
The last sheep in the herd,
This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."

There once was a farmer named Hicks,
Who used ewes for unusual tricks,
And went on at such length,
That he'd sapped all his strength,
By the time he had turned ninety-six.

There once was a young man from Wence
Whose fondness for sheep was immense.
A flock he did spy
So he undid his fly,
But his balls got caught on the fence.

There was a young lad from Siam,
Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
He loved them real small,
Cause they're more fun to ball,
So he went out and bought him a lamb.

The hard-on of sheepherder Crews
Was one that he just couldn't lose.
He'd no girls to assault,
So perhaps one can't fault
His putting his dick to good ewes.
                                             
[ Back to the Menu ]

Squirrels:
Said an old taxidermist in Burrell,
As he skillfully mounted a squirrel,
"The excess of tail is
Obstructive to phallus;
One's much better off with a girl."

There once was a fairy named Cyril
Who was had in the woods by a squirrel,
And he liked it so good
That he stayed in the wood
Just as long as the squirrel was virile.

There once was a student named Lynn,
Whose prick was the size of a pin.
It was no good for girls
But just great for squirrels,
Who squealed with delight with it in.

[ Back to the Menu ]

Wolves and Foxes:
There was a young girl from Eutoxeter,
Who one dreary night had a fox at her.
She let out a squeal,
For his cock was like steel,
But she had quite a shock when the pox hit her.

[ Back to the Menu ]

Zebras:
A lady philologist  (Libra),
Was raped by an oversexed zebra.
She cried out in anguish,
In every known languish,
Including Swahili and Hebra.

[ Back to the Menu ]

Other Fictional Creatures:
When Jupiter hid in a swan
And laid Leda low on the lawn,
Pled she, "Stick your neck in,
But please do not peck in
My box, for the lining is gone."

There was an old salt on the Banks,
Who said to a mermaid, "No thanks.
The last time I tried
Those scales took my hide
Clear off from my crotch to my shanks."

On Saturn, the sexes are three,
A sad state of affairs, you'll agree.
For performing con brio,
You must have a trio,
And it even takes two for a pee.
   [Alternate line 2: A nuisance, I think you'll agree.]

The Plutonian male is so small,
He lives in the vaginal wall
Of his mate. Yes, 'tis so!
But he likes it, you know,
And chacun a son gout, after all.

The sex of the asteroid vermin,
Is exceedingly hard to determine.
The galactic patrol
Simply fucks any hole
That will possibly let all the sperm in.

Mercurians, female and male,
Whenever they tear off some tail,
Do all of their lovin'
Inside an oven,
And think of us Earthlings as frail.

[ Back to the Menu ]

Miscellaneous:
A wistful young lady named Carr,
Divulged her perversions bizarre.
"Though this may sound preposterous,
I have fucked a rhinocerous,
But the unicorn's better by far."

A keeper in Hamburg's great zoo
Tried to have a young girl kangaroo.
But she zipped up her pouch,
And the rascal said "Ouch!
You've got a half-peter in you!"

"We refuse," said two men from Australia,
"Bestiality this saturnalia,
For now, we bethink us,
The ornithorhynchus
Is our down-under type of mammalia."

Two biologists, Hansen and Babbit,
Crossed a camel one time with a rabbit.
The offspring was jumpy,
And frightfully humpy,
And had a lascivious habit.

While forming my comming year's vows
I decided to stop fucking cows.
To stand on a stool
Is playing the fool
And it's easier buggering sows.

While Sue lay supine 'neath a willow,
She was screwed by a large armadillo
And remarked to the same,
As the two of them came,
That the next time he might bring a pillow.

You've heard of the Duchess of York,
She's twice been blessed by the stork.
The Duke will fuck
Naught else but a duck,
While the Duchess, she frequents the park.

There was an old maid in Peru,
Who'd a dog and a cat and a gnu.
From a sailor named Harrot
She bought an old parrot,
And he threw in a young cockatoo.
   [Alternate line 5: He already had a cunt or two]

And then there was Benjamin Bright,
A contestant on "What's My Delight?"
They guessed at his habits
With little white rabbits,
But were stumped by his mouse and his kite.

In his garden remarked Lord Dunedin,
"A fig for your diggin' and weedin'.
I like watching birds
While they're dropping their turds,
And spying on guinea pigs breedin'."

If Gracie Allen were the last of her sex
And I were the last of mine,
I'd ease my tool
By fucking a mule
Or even a porcupine.

Said a zookeeper's wife name Malotte,
As she stuffed some live ants up her twat,
"Of all sexual sensations,
The eccentric gyrations,
Of an anteater's tongue tops the lot."

The prior of Dunstan St. Just,
Consumed with erotical lust,
Raped the bishop's prize fowls,
Buggered four startled owls,
And a little green lizard, which bust.

All the lady-apes ran from King Kong
For his dong was unspeakably long,
Till a friendly giraffe
Quaffed his yard and a half
And ecstatically burst into song.

A lady who lives in New Delhi
Has habits disgusting and smelly.
She likes to eat feces
Of various species.
(The recipe is tattooed on her belly.)

Said a rancher, while roping a cow,
"I wish that someday they'd endow,
A wench with a rear
Firm and wide like a steer,
And a mouth that could suck like a sow."

Miss Haverford on her veranda,
Often stood with the utmost candor
There many an hour.
When things went sour,
She'd quietly do it with her panda.

A zookeeper out in Decatur,
Was said by his wife to betray her.
While he worked he would fuck,
First a snake, then a duck,
And a deer, and a bear, and a 'gator.

A stalwart young fellow named Galion
was given the Pervert's Medallion.
For he buggered a cow
As he stood on a sow
While he sucked off a Percheron stallion.

There was a young redskin, Strong Bough,
Who had fucked squaw, moose, snake, and cow.
When he first saw a mermaid,
The remark he to her made,
Was simply, and wonderfully, "How?"

There was a young lady of Ulva,
Who said, "I have granted a culver,
One fox, and a vole,
Two mice and a mole,
A refuge from Man in my vulva.
   (culver - dove, rock pigeon)

There was a young gaucho named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.
A woman is fine,
And a sheep is divine,
But a llama is Numero Uno."

From a tree hung a queer three-toed sloth,
Who to move was exceedingly wroth.
But up in the tree
He spied him a she,
And combined the best features of both.

An elderly pervert from Nice,
Who was long past attracting a piece,
Would jackoff his hogs,
His cows and his dogs,
Till his parrot called in the police.

There was a young man of Australia
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
He buggered a frog,
Two mice and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.

There was a young girl named Lenore
who liked to be screwed by a boar.
They brought her battalions
Of Percheron stallions
But she always hollered for more.

There was a young man with the itch
Who, because he was not at all rich
Had to harbour his tail
In any female--
A duck or a sow or a bitch.

There was a young man from Seattle,
Whose balls were so small they would rattle.
He tried 'em on chickens,
Got good as the dickens,
And now he can satisfy cattle.

A young taxidermist from Ada,
Whose wife said he'd often betrayed her,
Was sued for divorce
For mounting a horse,
A moose and a goose and a 'gator

After downing a six pack or two,
Young Albert took off for the zoo.
His sick bestial quest,
Brought his timely arrest,
For screwing two deer and a gnu.

A man who came into some money,
Decided to marry a Bunny,*
But the thought of the ears,
And the tails of the dears,
Made him skip it as being too funny.
   [*Bunny - a waitress in the Playboy Club]

A hermit who lived on St. Roque,
Had a lily perfected to poke.
He diddled the donkeys
And meddled with monkeys
And would have done worse, but it broke.

A disgusting young man named McGill,
Made all of his neighbors quite ill,
When they found out his habits
Involving white rabbits,
And a bird with a flexible bill.

A Naturalist we know is queer:
Of women he has a strange fear.
He spurns their advances
And takes his chances
On buggering male sheep and a deer.

A pathetic and insatiable John Hurst
Possessed such a bestial thirst.
He buggered some fowls
three pheasants, two owls,
And little green lizards which burst!

A hillbilly farmer named Hollis,
Used possums and snakes for his solace.
The children had scales,
And prehensile tails,
And voted for Governor Wallace.

There was a young fellow named Jim,
Whose wife kept a worm in her quim.
It was silly and smelly,
And tickled her belly,
And what the hell was it to him.

It's not a bad life for a girl,
Whether human, yak, llama or squirrel.
In her lifetime she'll meet
Many males . . . all in heat,
And all drooling to give her a whirl!
   [From Sex-to-Sexty #4 Grand Prix Limerix (1001), 1968]

A Raccoon and Miss Possum were matin'
While a skunk for his turn was a-waitin'.
Said Miss Poss to the coon
"Dontcha finish too soon,
'Cause that stinker who's waitin', I'm hatin'!"
   [From Super-Sex-to-Sexty #7 Grand Prix Limerix (295 illustrated), 1969]

The End! (so far)