I'm a Five-Legged Horse

"I'm a Five-Legged Horse"
...a poem/song by Actaeon 

Posted November 20, 1996

Hi, buckaroos, and welcome to my pad.
I'm a stallion at a dude ranch and I'm very, very sad.
If they'd only let me out, to the fillies I would scurry.
I let myself hang low, and I make my owners worry.

They say they oughta geld me, and they say it with some malice.
The city folk can't stand to see a stallion's swinging phallus.
"Take a rope and tie him down, and get a pair of pliers."
But when they get too close to me, I kick 'em in the briers.

Chorus:
I'm a five-legged horse; I don't know any better.
I see a cute mare, and I want to make her wetter.
I'm stuck in my stall, and I fear electric fences;
I'm telling you, my friend, I'm about to lose my senses.

Every day at the ranch, I watch the clients ride out.
I stay at the barn, and I wear my lengthy pride out.
The cowboys all laugh while they watch me work my tool,
But they're probably just jealous, and I make them lose their cool.

Six times a day, the trailrides come and go,
While I pace in my corral, hitting fenceposts rather low.
It don't bother me, that I get the boards all wet,
For a woody striking woody is the only fun I get.

Chorus:
I'm a five-legged horse; I don't know any better.
I see an estrous filly and I want to go and get her.
I'm trapped here inside, and I need to have my freedom.
They're in heat, don't you know, I just have to go and breed 'em.

The sadist who designed the layout of the stalls
Put the mares just out of reach, so I see and hear their calls.
The mares watch with awe as I get stretched out to pee,
Then one will wink and squirt and spawn a different brew from me.

The stall where I live is carpeted with foam:
The little milky stains that tell the world a stallion's home.
I can't hold it in, no matter how I try,
The filly one stall over makes my heart and much more fly.

Chorus:
I'm a five-legged horse; I don't know any better.
I'm so well-endowed, I could drown an Irish Setter.
With fillies all around me, I'm a frequent masturbator.
The one next door is beggin' me to come inseminate her.

If my owner has his way, I won't be a self-abuser:
He'll take my source of power and I'll always be a loser.
I wish he could hear how loudly I am urgin'
"Sir, if you please, don't let me live a virgin!"

When I hear my owner coming, I start to shake and shudder.
I get so scared I wish I was a foal at mommy's udder.
I pull my manhood in, in the hopes that he won't see me.
Then a mare gives a wink, and I start to get all creamy.

Chorus:
I'm a five-legged horse; I don't know any better.
I see a thrusting rival and I want to do it better.
He thinks he's such a stud with his manhood hanging down,
But mine is so much longer, when it's hard it drags the ground.

Soon comes the day that my owner's always planned:
His chromed emasculator is warming in his hand.
His men tie me up while he readies the syringe;
After one squirt of that, I won't even want to cringe.

When what to my tear-stained eyes should swift appear,
But a cowgal with a zeta and a grin from ear to ear.
She takes out her wallet and she whips out twenty grand,
Then he tosses her my halter and he shakes the lady's hand.

Chorus:
I'm a five-legged horse; I don't know any better.
I have a new home; I'm no longer such a fretter.
I don't know what's in store, but I have a good idea.
If her hands go where her eyes have been, I've found my panacea.

When she got me home, she gave me such a hug,
There wasn't room to breathe between her arms, they were so snug.
When she hosed me down, she cleaned me up from stem to stern,
Then she crawled beneath my belly and she showed me what she'd learned.

To say I got laid would be quite an understatement,
For I got a lengthy lesson as to what the word "relate" meant.
The parts I would've lost were it not for her protection
Were stroked and shined for hours as though aiming for perfection.

Chorus:
I'm a five-legged horse; I don't know any better.
My savior is at hand, and to her I am a debtor.
I pay my dues each night, and quite often twice or thrice.
It may be called "unnatural," but it certainly is nice.

Last night, after dark, with a full moon shining down,
We wandered through the woods, her only dress a filmy gown.
On a haybale she removed it and she lay upon her chest,
I could tell you more about it, but I think you know the rest.

When we finished, we embraced, and she kissed my sweaty flanks;
I knew I was in heaven and I gave my fondest thanks.
I'd found my filly, and she'd found her stallion, too.
And I owe my new-found freedom to the kindness of a zoo.

Chorus:
I'm a five-legged horse; I don't know any better.
There's a light in my life, and I'm sorely glad I met her.
She ain't like a mare, for she's smaller and she's tighter,
But I hang down even more 'cause I know that I delight her.