"King of Danes"
...a song parody by Actaeon 

(Sung to the tune of "King of Pain" by The Police. Completed 4/29/98.)

There's a harlequin Dane in my room today
That's my dog in there
When there's no one around, we will start to play
That's my dog up there
There's a big black Dane, and he waits his turn
That's my dog back there
When I'm ready for him, I feel my insides churn
That's my dog up there

When my fiancee saw me, she said "You're insane!"
But my love for my dogs I simply can't contain
Whether fawn, black or brindle, my libido's plain
For it's my destiny to be the king of Danes

There's a harlequin Dane just over three feet tall
There's a brindle who humped my leg in study hall
There's a fawn-colored female who just came in heat 
I want her so badly that I just can't eat

There's a kennel downtown with a worn-out fence
I've a pair of bolt-cutters and it all makes sense
There's a full moon tonight and a cloudy sky
It's a marvelous night to get a brand-new tie 

There's a German Shepherd with an eye for me
And a cute yellow lab I'm always glad to see
But they don't hold a candle to my favorite lay
From the love they give I will not stray
That's my Dane in there

I have tried to get cozy with a Saint Bernard
But like all other breeds, they just don't get me hard
Tried a well-hung bullmastiff, it just caused me pain
No, it's my destiny to be the king of Danes

I'll always be...king of Danes... (repeat and fade)