"The 69 Sweet Bitch Song (Beastie Movies)"
...a song parody by Actaeon 

(Based loosely on Simon & Garfunkel's "The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)")

(Written and posted 10/3/97)


Slow down, you screw too fast
You got to make the foreplay last
Just take your time and turn her on
I really hate these beastie movies

I read the alt groups Friday night
Not a proper post in sight
Just "see my website, cum real soon"
And plenty of ads for beastie movies

   (Chorus)
   I got no love of porn, no videos to sell
   Those ASB spammers can all go to hell
   Let me love my companions with TV turned off
   It's them that I need, not beastie movies

   Blah-blah-blah blah blah blah blah...beastie movies

"So-and-so's a fraud!" they say
That's what happens when you pay
Sixty bucks for half an hour
That's one of the cheaper beastie movies

I've seen a film with a man and his deer
At least I think so: it's not clear
What's he doing? The film's so pale
Why do I buy these beastie movies?

   (Chorus)
   I've no private footage that I'd like to trade
   Those porn site promoters think they've got it made
   Posting 40-part MPEGs that don't show a thing
   Except the lame content of beastie movies

   Blah-blah-blah blah blah blah blah...beastie movies

Here's a stallion with a gal
She's so clueless, she's no pal
He's all limp, and getting bored
Think I'll erase my beastie movies

That mare's hobbled and tied to a fence
If she's not eager, there's no sense
She'll come around, just give her time
Make love, not worn-out beastie movies

Here's a goat, down in Brazil
He looks annoyed, ready to kill
Take out the girl and give him a doe
Animal love beats beastie movies

   (Chorus)
   They don't love their partners, not one little bit
   They see them as objects and don't give a shit
   To them it's just porn and a quick source of cash
   I'm getting real tired of beastie movies

   Blah-blah-blah blah blah blah blah...beastie movies

Ah, the wolfhound of "Wilma" fame
She has to help him, what a shame
It takes three men to hold him down
What is the point of these beastie movies?

Her dog is hung, that's very true
But he doesn't know quite what to do
The cameraman must guide him in
Yet keep his hand out of the beastie movie

Dogs must hate those untrained whores
They way they grab him, he'll be sore
You hear him whine, you see him squirm
Typical fare in beastie movies

   (Chorus)
   Play me a movie where love's in the air
   And human and animal show that they care
   More about making love than a quick fifty bucks
   Then I might buy your beastie movie

   Blah-blah-blah blah blah blah blah...beastie movies

That's not what his nostril's for
I doubt he wants to snort your score
Let him breathe, and play real nice
Just say no nose jobs in beastie movies

He holds a chicken in his hands
But his girlfriend must prep his glans
He can't get it up without her help
Now that's what I call a beastie movie

I can't believe the things I've seen
From anus to eyeball and inbetween
Every body part gets used
All for the sake of a beastie movie

   (Chorus)
   Now, I can't claim to know which species' best
   Or which body parts should be used with the rest
   But it seems that the animals should have some say
   If they don't, then you've made a beastie movie

   Blah-blah-blah blah blah blah blah...beastie movies

"Move your leg," her hubby shouts
"And when you come, make sure to pout"
With these instructions, and zero style
You, too, can make a beastie movie

"I want to see his thing go in
Remember, now, we're filming sin
If you dribble his semen out of your mouth
We'll make a mint with this beastie movie."

Why must the women all moan and scream
And when men come, they show the stream
They shoot their load into the air
Grab an umbrella for beastie movies

   (Chorus)
   We all know the physics that makes people come
   So all of that moaning just strikes us as dumb
   Let us hear the mare grunting; let us hear the stud squeal
   Let us see no more lame-ass beastie movies

   Blah-blah-blah blah blah blah blah...beastie movies

Wait a minute, something new...
What a kiss: this girl's a zoo!
She loves her dog, it's not a fake
This is no standard beastie movie

They play together in a shaded wood
She touches him the way she should
The camera shows the entire scene
Not like the close-ups in beastie movies

On her back, her hips held high
Belly to belly, they quickly tie
She sighs and smiles, and kneads his fur
They're in love and feelin' groovy!

   (Chorus)
   I've just seen lovers, the way they should be
   With full-body filming to prove he and she
   Are life partners for real, not just on TV
   This is what's needed in beastie movies!