Not all of these jokes involve sex between animals and humans, but all involve animals and various unmentionable body parts in some way. Enjoy, and feel free to contribute your own! (The newest jokes are at the end: recent additions are dated.)
Told by Wolfkin on the Forest:
There was this newly assigned captain sent to the desert for his new command. An attendant showed him around the camp. They finally came to the camels.
The captain asked what the camels were used for. The attendant said that they were used when the men required sexual relief. The captain was shocked and didn't say anything.
Days later, since there were no women around, he started thinking of the camels, but tried not to. Finally several days later, horny as hell, he goes to the camels and starts to fuck one of them.
The attendant finds him fucking one of the camels and smiles at him.
The captain says "What are you smiling at me for!! You said you use the camels for sexual relief!"
The attendant says "I meant we ride them into town to find whores."
Told by Wolfkin on the Forest:
A man goes into a bar and sees a large jar of money on the counter. "What's that for?" he asks.
"I've got a horse out back," said the bartender, "and the first guy who can make him laugh gets the money. But you gotta ante up first."
So the man puts some money in the jar and walks out. A few moments later, the horse is laughing his head off. The man comes back in, smiles, and takes the money.
A week later, he comes back in, and there's another jar of cash. "This time," says the bartender, "it's to see who can make the horse cry."
So the man antes up again and heads back to the stable. There's a longer pause this time, but soon the horse is bawling like a baby.
"So what did you do?" the bartender asked when the man returned to claim his prize.
"Well, last week, I told him my dick was bigger than his. Today, I showed him."
Two variants on the same joke:
Version 1: told by a female guest on a late-night talk show (either Leno or Letterman):
A woman goes to the vet and says, "My dog has started humping me, so I'd like to bring him in."
"Sure," says the vet, "neutering should solve the problem immediately."
"Actually," says the woman, "I was hoping you could trim his nails and fix his breath."
Version 2: source unknown:
Three dogs are talking in the vet's waiting room.
The first, a German Shepherd, says, "I'm here to be neutered because I pee on the carpet."
The second, a spaniel, says, "I'm getting fixed, too: I knocked up the neighbor's poodle."
The third, a Great Dane, sighs and says, "I'm here because when my mistress bent over to fill the bathtub, I got so horny I just jumped on her back and screwed the daylights out of her."
"Well," said the German Shepherd, "at least we'll all go down together."
"No," replied the Great Dane. "I'm just here for a nail trim."
I watched a stand-up comic, Wild Bill Bower (Bauer? (sp)), tell the following (paraphrased to accomodate my poor memory :) as part of his routine:
I went up to Fairbanks, Alaska. A guy asked me to go bear hunting...with a bow and arrow! I said, "Uh, sure...maybe from a helicopter."
We got up there, and what they didn't tell me was that I was going to be the decoy. So they put me in this big fur coat, and I was running through the woods shouting, "Don't shoot me! I'm not a bear!"
I got about halfway across the field before I realized it was mating season.
"Shoot me! Somebody shoot me! He's gaining!"
Then, later: "Shoot the bear! He's the one on top!"
Now, others might advise me to "grin and bear it," but I took action:
"Dear Penthouse Forum:
"I never thought I'd be writing this letter..."
When I was back at the airport, preparing to leave, one of the airlines had a banner that said, "We fly where the other airlines won't." I asked them what that meant.
"Well," said the guy at the counter, "when the weather gets so bad that the FAA closes the terminal and shuts the big jets down, well, we just keep right on flying."
"What kind of moron would use your services?"
"Well, we get a lot of business, actually. Especially during bear season. People trying to get out of town. Y'know, just last week a guy got raped by a bear.... Of course, the way he was dressed, he was just asking for it."
Date: 29 Oct 1995
From: Fred Cherry
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality
Subject: Re: jokes
A woman goes to a zoo and she wants to see the elephants. So, she asks the zookeeper: "Where are the elephants"? The zookeeper replies: "They're inside the elephant house, making love." So, the woman asks: "Well, do you suppose they would come out if I offered them a peanut"? To this the zookeeper replies: "I don't know, lady, WOULD YOU"?
Here's another one. This is a slight variation on one of the previous jokes. A circus manager advertises for a tiger trainer, and two applicants show up. One is a man and the other is a woman. So the circus manager says to the woman: "OK, let's see what you can do." So the woman enters a cage with five tigers. She cracks her whip once and the tigers roll over in unison from left to right. She cracks her whip again and the tigers roll over in unison from right to left. Then she strips naked, lies down on her back and cracks the whip a third time. One of the tigers crawls over to her on its belly, and licks her pussy until she has an orgasm. So the circus manager says: "Hey, that's terrific!" So then the other applicant says: "I can do better than that." The circus manager says: "You can?" So the other applicant sez: "Sure! But first get those stupid animals out of the cage!!"
Date: 16 Nov 1995
From: Laufschlag
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality
Subject: couple of jokes
From a mailing list that I'm sure you are all far to respectable to subscribe to:
Two sheep related jokes:
First: Why do cowboys wear Levi button-fly jeans?
Because a sheep can hear a zipper at 100 yards.
How about Welsh bashing then ?
A guy's doing a PhD in sheep shagging. He goes off touring Britain finding out how people do it in different areas. First he goes up to Aberdeen. He goes into a pub, buys a drink, and asks the barman where he can find the sheep shaggers. The barman points to the darkest, dingiest corner of the pub.
So he goes over to this corner and gets talking to the guys there. Once there he says:
* Actually I'm doing a thesis on sheep shagging, so could you tell me, how do you do it around here?
* Well we put on wellies, go into a field, and we grab a sheep. Then we shove its hind legs down into the wellies so it can't get away, and shag it.
Next he goes down to Cumbria and goes into a pub in Keswick. He asks the barman where the local sheep shaggers hang out, and he points to the darkest, dingiest corner. So he goes over to the corner, and asks the guys:
* Excuse me but I'm doing a thesis on sheep shagging, so would you mind telling me, how do you do it around here?
* Well we put on wellies and go out into a field looking for sheep. When we find a sheep we shove its hind legs down into the wellies, then shag it.
He then decides to see what they do in Wales, so he takes a trip to Aberystwyth. There he finds a dodgy looking pub, and asks the barman where he can find the local sheep shaggers. Once again, the barman points to the darkest, dingiest corner of the pub. So he goes over and asks:
* Excuse me, I'm doing a thesis on sheep shagging. Could you tell me how you do it in this area?
* Well, bach, we go out into a field looking for sheep. When we find one we grab it around the waist, hold it as tight as possible so it won't get away, and shag it.
* But, why don't you just shove its hind legs down inside your wellies? Wouldn't that be easier?
* What, no kissing?!
And, the final groaner:
Q. What do female elephants wear as tampons???
A. SHEEP.
Q. Why do elephants have trunks?
A. Because a sheep doesn't have a string on the end.
Date: 9 Jan 96
From: Matt Schulman
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes,rec.humor
Subject: Years and years
It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified! "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant--that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years--but like the others, ten was sufficient--and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?"
Which explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself!
Date: 24 Jan 1996
From: Dr Dolittle
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality
Subject: JOKE: The Horse and the Rabbit
Just a quick de-lurk to post this joke. I heard it on the radio recently.
A farmer had a lone horse in one of his remote pastures adjacent to a swamp. To pass the time, the horse had made friends with a rabbit who lived nearby. They would run and play day in and day out, romping to their hearts' content. Until, one day, the horse ran too far and stumbled into a pit of quicksand. Unable to move, and quickly sinking, the horse told the rabbit, "Quick, run and tell the farmer to grab a rope and bring his tractor over here to pull me out!"
They rabbit dashed madly over to the farmhouse and yelled repeatedly for the farmer to come out. There was no response. Realizing that the farmer wasn't coming out, the rabbit threw a rope into the farmer's Mercedes and drove back to the quicksand. He tied one end of the rope to the bumper of the Mercedes and tossed the other end to the horse.
The horse grasped the end of the rope tightly between his teeth as the rabbit hopped back in the car and slowly dragged his friend to safety.
Some months later, the horse and rabbit were once again frolicking merrily in the pasture. The rabbit, not looking where he was going, stumbled and landed in the middle of the quicksand pit. "Hurry!" the rabbit yelled. "Run over to the farmhouse and tell the farmer to bring his Mercedes!"
Eyeballing the pit, the horse said, "You know, that pit isn't too wide. I bet I can stradle it!" And with that, the horse cautiously straddled the pit until he was directly above the rabbit.
"Now," said the horse, as he began to unsheath his penis, "Grab hold, and I'll pull you out!" Reaching up, the rabbit grabbed hold of the horse's ample member and was pulled quickly to safety.
Date: 24 Jan 1996
From: Dr Dolittle
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality
Subject: JOKE: Preacher's Ass
Here's something I pulled off of rec.equestrian last month...
A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race, his donkey came in second. The next day the paper read
The preacher was so pleased that he entered the donkey in another race. This time, it won, and the paper read
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read
This was too much for the Bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher, being a charitable chap, gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said
The Bishop fainted! He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for ten dollars. The paper said
They buried the Bishop the next day. The following day's paper read:
Date: 03 Feb 1996
From: Gene Barnett
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality
Subject: JOKE: LION AND MOUSE
The lion and the the mouse are in the bar, having buddy-talk, when the giraffe comes in, winks her big brown eyes at them, and sits down at the end of the bar. So the lion tells the bartender to buy the lady a drink.
After a few more winks and drinks, the lion decides it's time to make his move. "What?!" cries the mouse. "She's gorgeous. You'll never get anywhere with her!"
"Sure I will," the Lion says. "You just wait here and watch me."
With that, the lion sidles up to the giraffe and flirts with her, and 15 minutes later, they're going out the door. "Wait for me," the lion whispers to his friend the mouse. "I'll be back in half an hour."
Sure enough, half an hour later, the lion and the giraffe come back, the giraffe goes to her barstool, and the lion comes back to his buddy, the mouse.
"How'd it go? How'd it go?!?" asks the mouse.
"FANTASTIC!" answers the lion. "Best fuck I ever had."
"Oh, oh, oh. I'm gonna try it," the mouse says.
"Well, good luck, little buddy," the lion encourages his little friend.
So the mouse tells the bartender to buy the lady a drink, goes over to the giraffe, strikes up a conversation with her, and 15 minues later they're walking out the door together. "Wait here," the mouse whispers to his friend, the lion. "I'll be back in half an hour."
Well, a half an hour goes by. Then 45 minutes, then an hour. Then two hours. Then three. At last, the mouse and the giraffe come back, the giraffe goes to her barstool, and the mouse drags himself over to his buddy, the lion. The mouse is all ragged, and sweaty, and exhausted, wiped out; a real wreck of a mouse.
"How was it? How was it?," the lion asked.
"Oh, it was terrible. It was awful," said the mouse. "It's the worst fuck I ever had in my life!!!"
"Why?" exclaimed the lion. "What happened?"
"Well, it was going great, at first ..."
"Yes, yes? And then?"
"Well, between kissing her and fucking her, I musta run a hundred miles!!"
Date: 17 Feb 1996
From: Underdog
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality
Subject: 'Nother joke from ol' UD. :-)
Not totally politically correct, but pretty funny and somewhat zoo-related:
Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she asked why the difference in the number of feathers in the headress. She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headress. His reply was, "Me have only 1 squaw; Me have only 1 feather."
She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This brave had 4 feathers in his headress. He replied, "Ugh, Me have 4 feathers, because me sleep with 4 squaws."
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headress full of feathers which needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headress?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief; Me Screw-Em all: Big, Small, Fat, Tall; Me Screw-Em all."
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief replied, "You damned right, me hung! Big like buffalo, long like snake."
Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so God-Damned Hostile . . ." The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, Dog-style, Wolf-style, Any-style; Me Screw-Em all!"
Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear!" The Chief said, "No deer ... Me no screw deer. Asshole too high and suckers run too fast. No deer."
Date: 18 May 1996
From: Underdog
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality
Subject: "The Bear and the Hunter"
A man decided to go hunting for the first time. He went to a gun shop, bought a large, expensive rifle and headed into the deep woods. After hours of fruitless searching, the would-be hunter spotted a massive, black bear sitting in the entrance to a small cave. As quietly as possible, he stalked up to the mouth of the cave and began firing repeatedly into the darkness. Eventually, the hunter used up his stock of ammunition, and cautiously entered, the cave to see the fruits of his effort. However, there was no sign of the bear. Suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He spun around to see the bear towering over him.
"Now, the way I see it there are two possible courses of action here," smirked the bear, "One, I tear you into small pieces and eat you...or two, you get down on your knees and blow me."
Reluctantly, the hunter chose the latter option.
Spluttering, he drove back to town and burst into the gun shop. "I want a bigger gun!" he demanded. So saying, he returned to the cave carrying a spanking new AK-47 and began releasing volley after volley into the cave entrance. Eventually, the smoke cleared and he tentatively gazed inside.
No sign of the bear.
TAP, TAP, TAP...
"You know the routine," said the bear smugly, pointing to his crotch.
"GRENADES!" bellowed the hunter, bursting into the gun shop, "I WANT GRENADES!!"
Armed to the teeth, the furious hunter returned to the cave, and began wildly lobbing grenade after grenade inside. The massive explosions left the cave a smoking pile of rubble. The hunter began sifting through the debris.
No sign of the bear.
TAP, TAP, TAP...
Grinning smugly, the bear put his arm around the man and said, "You're not in this for the hunting, are you?"
Overheard at a party:
Q. What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer?
A. One says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud," and the other says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe."
Date: 11 Jul 1996
Author unknown
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
Subject: "The Prostitute and the Koala Bear"
A koala bear sneaks into a prostitute's apartment through a window and starts to eat her out. She just starts to get into it and then the koala stops and starts to exit the way he came in. "Hey, Mr. koala bear," she said, "I'm a prostitute, and so I'll need my money." The koala bear looked at her confusedly. So she got a dictionary and looked up the word "prostitute." It said "A woman who sells her body for cash." The koala bear took the dictionary from her and looked up the term "koala bear." It said, "An Australian mammal who eats bushes and leaves."
Date: 23 Jul 1996
Author unknown
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
Subject: "Mouse and Elephant-different"
A mouse is walking through the jungle, and happens upon an elephant. The elephant is writhing in pain. The mouse asks him what the problem is. The elephant replies "I have a splinter in my foot." The mouse looks at his foot, and sees the huge splinter. The mouse says "I will pull the splinter out for you, but, you have to do a favor for me." "Well, what is it?" asks the elephant. "You have to let me fuck you up the ass." The elephant says "No way." The mouse says "OK," and walks away. The elephant is still in pain, and figures that he wouldn't feel a thing anyway, so he calls the mouse back. The mouse pulls the splinter out and the elephant is relieved. The mouse says "Ok, now it's my turn." So the mouse climbs up and starts going to town. The elephant has no idea what he's doing back there. The monkeys in the tree see this and begin laughing hysterically. They start throwing coconuts at the elephant's head. The elephant is now screaming. The mouse hears this, gets excited, and starts slapping the elephant, yelling "Yeah, say you're my bitch! Woo-hoo!"
Submitted on July 28, 1996 by Dr. Vile.
A man walks into a bar, looking incredibly depressed. The bartender walks over to him and asks, "What's on your mind?"
"I'm just getting home from work, I walk into the bedroom and I catch my wife in the act with my best friend."
"Oh, man! Did you say anything?"
"You bet I did! I said 'Bad Dog! Bad Dog!'"
(Here's another variant, from February 1998:)
The judge asks the man why he shot his wife. The man says, "She was sleeping with my best friend." The judge asks, "What did you do to your best friend?" The man says, "I swatted him with a newspaper and said, 'Bad boy!'"
Date: 3 Aug 1996
Author unknown
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
Subject: "The Camel"
The urge of the camel for pleasure
Is greater than anyone thinks;
It spends many moments of pleasure
In a hole at the back of the Sphinx.
Now sometimes this useful depression
Is filled with the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hunch of the camel
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.
Date: 4 Aug 1996
From the Sunday comic strip "Mother Goose and Grimm"
Ms. Goose (on a park bench, reading to Grimmy the dog and Attilla the cat): "..They got married and lived happily ever.."
Female Passerby: "What kind of trash are you reading to these children?"
Ms. Goose: "It's The Little Mermaid."
Passerby: "That's pornographic! My group is for the preservation of same species marriages. Look at the smut you're exposing these little ones to...The Little Mermaid! A man in love with a fish! And this one...Beauty and the Beast! A woman marries a water buffalo! Smut, smut, smut, smut, smut, smut, smut!! It's unhealthy, unnatural, and against traditional values!"
Ms. Goose (whispering to Grimmy): "Psst, better get rid of this Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy Wedding Book."
Passerby: "What's this?! The Swan Princess...a man gets a hickey from a large waterfowl!"
(Aren't prudes funny? :)
Date: 30 Aug 1996
Told by Shadowspawn on the Forest:
A punker with a huge multi-coloured mohawk gets on a bus. He sits down across from this old man who sits there staring at him intently. The punker eventually gets uncomfortable from the close scrutiny and decides to move to the middle of the bus. The old man moves down to sit across from him again and resumes staring at him. After a minute or two, the punker decides to move to the back of the bus. The old man follows.
The punker decides he has had enough and says to the old man, "Have you never done anything stupid in your life that you regret, old man?!?!?"
The old man replies, "Yes, I once fucked a chicken and I think you're my son!" :)
Date: Unknown
"Scotland the Depraved" :) (?)
o/~ Sung by Unicorn on the Forest: o/~
(to the tune of Scotland The Brave)
Bring me some whisky mother, I'm feeling frisky mother...
Bring me a sheep for I am lone-ly tonight!
Nay, not my brother, mother - I'll have no other lover!
Bring me a sheep for I am lonely tonight!
Nay, not my sister Mary, her legs are MUCH too hairy!
Bring me a sheep for I am lone-ly tonight!
Baa baa baa baa baa baa baaa baaaaa
Baaaa! baaa baa baa baa baa baaa... (in tune)
England may rule the waves but Scotland's depraved!
Date: Unknown
Miscellaneous Jokes from Miscellaneous Sources:
Epigram: Catherine The Great's fate was a clear example of some of the dangers of unrestrained horseplay.
Q: How can you tell the young zoo-to-be at an amusement park?
A: He's the kid riding under the carousel horse
You know, one night I dreamed I was being molested by a large rabbit and awoke with a hair in me mouth.
Fractured Nursery rhyme:
Humpty Dumpty Sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the Kings Horses,
And All the Kings Men,
Used eggyoke for sex lube
To bugger their friends.
"Grrrrr!" said the wolf as he leapt on Little Red Riding Hood, "I'm going to eat you."
"Ah shit!" said the girl, "Doesn't anyone fuck anymore?
I was walking down the street the other day with a friend when I observed an old hound dog on a porch licking his balls. Admiring the flexibility of the animal I remarked, "Gee, I wish I could do that." To which my friend replied, "You sure you wouldn't want to pet him first?
My pal Freddy the stand-up comedian once got a job offer to entertain a group of Elk. They wanted to know if he'd do it for 75 bucks. He said yes. After the 58th dismounted he remarked, "Thank God it wasn't the Moose!"
Definitions: Zoophilia, Peterasty.
Getting it on with the Playmutt of the month. A ruff life. The only time you can call your lover a 'bitch' and be truthful. Where the word 'ramifacations' takes on new meaning. The difference between "Oh dear! and "Ohhhhhh Deer!"
Jacques Cousteau to a blushing young Greenpeacer: "That's why they call it a 'Sperm Whale' my dear."
Q: How do seals express affection?
A: They say it with flounders!
Q: Why did the zoo cross the road?
A: His dick was stuck in the chicken.
Q: "So Fred, just why are you dating the Lioness?
A: "It brings new meaning to the phrase "Pussy Eating!"
*** Some Cautions When Picking a Partner for Zoophilic Relations ***
* Never let an elephant sit on your face.
* Don't accept a blow-job from a python (they don't know when to stop swallowing).
* Fisting a giant clam could be hazardous to your health.
* When necking with a giraffe, always use scaffolding and wear a safety line.
Q: What is the difference between a Poodle and a Pit Bull riding your leg?
A: You let the Pit Bull finish.
Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are $1.39 a pound; deer nuts are just under a buck.
Overheard by Actaeon:
A man goes into a Mexican restaurant. While he is reading the menu, he sees another patron being served two large, elegantly-prepared steaks. When the waiter approaches, the man asks, "What is that gentleman over there having?"
The waiter replies, "Sen~or, that is the Bullfighter's Special."
The diner nods and says, "That sounds good; I'll have that."
"I'm sorry, Sen~or, but that's the last Bullfighter's Special for the day."
"When is the next bullfight?"
"Tomorrow, Sen~or."
"Okay, I'll return tomorrow."
The next day, the diner returns and orders the Bullfighter's Special. When he is served, he is disappointed to find that his plate contains two small cutlets, no larger than the end of his thumb. He complains to the waiter.
"I'm sorry, Sen~or," the waiter replies, "but sometimes the bull wins."
Overheard by Actaeon:
A nun and a priest are lost in the desert, and are running out of food and water. Their only companion is a camel. As time goes on, their situation becomes more dire. Finally, the camel collapses from exhaustion and dies. They fear the worst.
"You know," says the priest, "we may only have hours to live, and I've never seen a woman naked. I'd hate to die without knowing what I've missed all these years."
The nun thinks for a while, then agrees and takes off her clothes. As the priest gazes upon her, she says, "You know, I've never seen a man nude, either; could you return the favor?"
The priest nods and also disrobes.
The nun stares for a moment. "What is that, hanging down between your legs?"
"That's God's gift to Man. If I put it in you, it will give you new life."
"Great," says the nun. "Put it in that camel over there, and let's get out of here."
Overheard by Actaeon:
A man walks into a lawyer's office and says, "I'm in big trouble. I just had sex with a goat in the middle of the town square. It was in broad daylight, and there must have been a dozen witnesses. Can you help me out?"
"We sure can," replies the lawyer. "We are the best in the 'abused childhood' defense strategy. No matter what your crime, we can blame it on your parents and get you off scot free. We've never lost a case."
"Great! How much do you charge?"
"$500 an hour."
The man gasps. "Oh, my, I can't possibly afford that."
The lawyer shrugs. "Sorry, that's the best I can do."
The man goes to another lawyer, and explains the situation.
"Well, you're in luck," says the second lawyer. "We are reknowned for the 'temporary insanity' defense. We've freed murderers, rapists, armed robbers, you name it. A goat sex charge is a piece of cake; we can't lose."
"Fantastic! What do you charge?"
"$300 an hour."
"Oh dear, I can't afford that kind of money."
The lawyer shrugs, and the man heads out again, a little more nervous now. He spots a small attorney's office, conservatively furnished, with little more than a shingle on the door. "Oh well, what have I got to lose?" He goes in and explains his predicament.
"No problem," replies the third lawyer. "We're masters in jury selection, which is the key to any trial. We hand-pick the jurors so that you can rest assured you're being judged by a sympathetic audience. You've nothing to fear."
Cringing, the man asks, "How much do you charge?"
"$30 an hour."
"Oh! Well, I can afford that!" They shake hands and a deal is made.
Monday morning rolls around, and the case comes up for trial. The prosecuting attorney opens by saying, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defendent was seen by no fewer than twelve witnesses having sex with a goat in broad daylight. Not only did he engage in this disgusting act, but when he was done, the goat turned around and licked the man's genitals."
One of the jurors nudged another and winked knowingly. "A good goat'll do that."
From alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bestiality, 11/13/96:
A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone.
Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and screwed them all.
Thenext day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant.
The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down.
So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and screwed them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and screwed them for the third time.
By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says "hmmm - that's weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn."
Heard at a zoo gathering:
Did you hear about the zoo who got fired from his job as an artificial insemination technician?
He was caught drinking on the job.
Three jokes from MJF Consulting's news page:
#1. At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up. "OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said 'goat.'"
#2. A man was in a shipwreck and stranded on an island with a goat and a dog. After a while, the goat started looking pretty good, but every time he got close the dog would growl and snarl. After a while there was another shipwreck; a beautiful girl was splashing off his island calling for help; the man swam out and saved her. She was so glad she said, "Thanks for saving my life, what can I do to repay you?" The man thought for a moment and said, "Can you hold that dog for a minute?"
#3. A man went camping and hunting in the woods with his wife. Waking up early one morning, he asks his wife to go hunting. His wife protests that she does not want to go hunting with him today. The husband tells his wife, "Well you have three choices, either go hunting with me, I get to fuck you in the ass or you give me a blow job!!" The wife, still tired, says "Well I don't want to go hunting and don't want your big cock in my ass this early in the morning, so I'll just give you a blow job." The husband happily agrees and his wife starts sucking vigorously on his cock. After only a few seconds she stops, looks up at him and says, "Your cock tastes like shit." The husband looks down at her and states, "Well, the dog didn't want to go hunting either!"
From an anonymous source, 11/30/96:
Three guys are talking to each other about how smashed they got the night before.
The first one says, "I got so sick last night I blew chunks!"
The second one says, "Oh yeah! I got so drunk I didn't make it home, I got arrested for DUI!"
The third says, "I top both of you. I picked up an ugly barmaid and was about to take her to my apartment, but I ran my car off into a ditch!"
The first one says, "Guys, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
And here are a whole bunch of jokes and riddles I found at The Laughing Internet. It's updated weekly; I'm up to section 9.
Q. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off and apologize.
Q. What's gray and comes in quarts?
A. An elephant...
This guy was walking along the beach when he saw this other guy lying on the sand with a condom tied to his swim suit.
The first guy said, "Do you know you have a condom on your swim suit?"
"Sure," he says, "I keep my cigarettes and matches inside to keep them dry. After a swim I can have a cigarette."
"What a great idea. I am going to get myself one." So he goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.
The pharmacist replies, "What size would you like?"
"One to fit a camel," he replies. -:)
(Here's a variant on the above:)
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 2: "What's that?"
Lady 1: "A condom."
Lady 2: "Where'd you get it?"
Lady 1: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady 2 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel."
Greenpeace: Once we were sitting between a Russian whaler and a pod of whales and we yelled "Save the whales!" Well, this Russian sailor instead yelled "FUCK THE WHALES!"
It was great.
Mary Had a Little Sheep:
Mary had a little sheep,
And with that sheep she went to sleep...
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
So Mary had a little lamb...
Little Red Riding Hood:
One day Little Red Riding Hood is on her way to Grandma's house with basket of goodies in hand. She's wearing her usual red skirt, red blouse, red cape and hood, even down to her little red panties. It's a bright and sunny day, and she doesn't have a care in the world.
As she's entering the forest, a squirrel pops out of a tree, looks ar her and says, "I wouldn't go into those woods if I were you Red. It's dangerous in there."
"Why is it so dangerous?" asks Little Red Riding Hood.
"Because the Big Bad Wolf is in there. And he's gonna pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off."
Little Red Riding Hood pulls a big gun out of her basket and says, "I think I can take care of wolfie." Putting the gun back in the basket, she skips into the woods with the squirrel wishing her luck.
As she gets deeper into the woods, a raccoon wanders out from behind a tree and says, "I wouldn't go into those woods if I were you Red. It's dangerous in there."
"Why is it so dangerous?" asks Little Red Riding Hood.
"Because the Big Bad Wolf is in there. And he's gonna pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off."
Little Red Riding Hood pulls a big gun out of her basket and says, "Like I told Mr. Squirrel... I can take care of wolfie..."
"Well, I wish you luck..." says the raccoon, who waves goodby as he goes on his way.
Back goes the gun into the basket and deeper into the woods goes Little Red Riding Hood.
When she gets far into the woods, Red spots the Big Bad Wolf leaning against a tree and leering at her. "You know who _I_ am, don't you?" says the Wolf.
"You're the Big Bad Wolf, aren't you?" asks Little Red Riding Hood.
"Yeah," replies the Big Bad Wolf, "and I'm gonna grab you, pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off."
"No," says Red, pulling the gun from the basket and pointing it at his face, "you're gonna eat me... Just like the book says."
A slight variant on the above joke:
Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest when the wolf appears.
"Hold it right there, girlie", he says, "I've got plans for you. You know what I'm gonna do with these big claws?"
Little Red Riding Hood hefts out a 12-gauge shotgun from under her cloak and points it at the wolf's snout. "On your knees, m*therf*cker!" she commands.
"OK!! spare me, pleeeaase," says the wolf. "I'll do whatever you say!"
Little Red Riding Hood then kicks off her panties.
"Alright, wolfie, you know the story..."
The Doe at Work:
What did the doe say after she came out of the stag party in the woods?
"I'm never doing THAT for twenty bucks again!"
What do the female Reindeer do when the male Reindeer are out pulling Santa's sleigh?
They go out on the town, and BLOW a few BUCKS!
What do you see when the Pilsbury doe-boy bends over?
Doe-nuts!
Submitted by "RW":
Dropping a towel, the red-head bent over, what a sight.
Lucky, her dog, overcame by might.
She twisted and turned, but could not get away.
Then Lucky was was locked in her good and would stay.
The red-head now gets Lucky at least twice a night.
A monkey complained to his elephant friend that nobody would have sex with him because his dick was too big. The elephant offered herself, saying that with her size, she wouldn't feel anything anyway. But just as the monkey entered the elephant, a coconut fell on her head. "Ouch," said the elephant. "Take that, you bitch," said the monkey.
Written by Actaeon:
Then there was the guy whose dog swallowed the remote control, so in order to turn on the TV, he had to turn on the dog.
Q: What's considered bi-sexual in [insert state or country of your choice here]?
A: Someone who likes sheep and goats.
And then there's the story (possibly an urban legend) about the friends/co-workers/family members who hid in a woman's house in order to throw a surprise party for her, but when they jumped out to yell "Surprise!" she was standing naked in the kitchen, with the family dog licking peanut butter out of her genitals. So who's surprised now? :)
Probable true story (from emergency room casebooks):
A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this, the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been fucking the dog?"
Submitted via e-mail:
The egg farmer has the annual problem of the egg production falling, and he knows that the chickens must be changed for younger chickens. As he is reading his Acme catalogue he sees an add for "Brooster the Super Rooster, Just $49.95 and your egg production will double!" Wow! He will have to get him fast to save the farm. So he calls the 1-800 acme # and they take his credit card and send it fast delivery.
The next day a truck backs up to the farm house and throws out the create and leaves. The farmer walks up to the crate and the rooster sticks his head out the knot hole and says "I hear you have a egg production problem. I am here to help." The farmer says "Well you can start on the first house. I have three chicken houses." The rooster says "Leave a window open and I will do the other houses too, I need more than one house." The farmer warns the rooster that he cost $49.95 and doesn't want him to kill himself trying to do too much and promptly closes all the windows.
The next day the farmer sees that the chickens are laying eggs like crazy in not one house but two. He notices a window broken and goes to talk with the rooster. "Brooster you are going to kill yourself if you don't slow down!" he says. But the rooster warned him to leave the third chicken house window open and again the farmer said no.
Next morning the farmer goes out and three houses are flooded with eggs and for that matter the dog would not come out from under the porch, the cow was acting funny and the horse had her butt to the wall. Come to think of it where was the rooster? -- Oh no! The farmer looked out into the field and saw Brooster the rooster with his legs up and wings out and the buzzards circling overhead. As he ran up to see what was left he says, "I told you that you would kill yourself!" As he got closer the rooster raised his head and pointed up to the buzzards and said ------ "Shhhh! They're getting closer!"
Overheard by Actaeon...
A guy is out golfing, when he meets a man with a 9-iron wrapped completely around his head. He asks the man what happened, and the man replies:
"Well, it started when I hit my ball into the rough over by that pasture. While I was searching through the weeds, I met a woman carrying a golf club and looking around in the same area. I asked her if she had lost a ball, and she said 'yes.' After searching a while longer, we decided the balls had bounced into the pasture, so we climbed over the fence and looked around in the short grass. A few yards away was a cow swishing her tail, and I happened to glance in her direction and saw what looked like a golf ball stuck in her behind. I thought to myself, 'nah, it couldn't be,' but I went to take a closer look anyway. I lifted the cow's tail and saw that, sure enough, she had a golf ball lodged in her ass. It was a Titleist, though, and I shot Spaldings. So I pointed under the cow's tail and asked the woman, 'does this look like yours?' And that's when I got the club."
Submitted by Aztec Lord:
THE OLD ROOSTER
An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an O.K. job but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.
"So they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster, "I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you are the new stud in town? I bet you really think you are hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house. We'll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," said the young rooster, "and since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap, I'll still win easy."
So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathered around to watch. The race begins and the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he is still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the young rooster chasing after the old rooster. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..."Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Submitted by Duke:
Q: Why did the zoo go on a diet?
A: So he could get into a tight Jersey!
Submitted to BlackDragon's Zoo Humor web page:
A circus owner whose main attraction was this performing gorilla got really upset because she went into heat and had no male gorilla to get it on with. So she got bitchy and short-tempered, wouldn't perform and the circus was losing lotsa money. Well, the owner finally came up with an idea and said to the circus strongman, "How about doing me a favor and looking after the gorilla?" The strongman retorted, "You must be kiddin' man. She's a dangerous animal!" The owner replied, "Hey, if business don't pick up soon, you won't have a job cause I'll have to shut the circus down, so it's in your best interest. But I tell you what, I'll give you $100 bucks as well. How about it?" The strongman says, "Make it $500 and you've got a deal, but you'll have to strap her down good, put a catcher's mask on her, and have a guy standing by with a .30-30 just in case, OK?" The circus owner agrees and the preparations are made accordingly, and the gorilla is trapped down to a sturdy table, the mask is put on her and the guy with the rifle is all set. The strongman checks everything and mounts the gorilla. It doesn't take very long before she starts to respond to being fucked, and starts trying to move her body. One or two thrusts snap the straps and she wraps herself around the strongman and starts humping like crazy. By this time, the owner is jumping up and down, the guy with the rifle is hollering "I can't get a shot!" and the strongman is screaming, "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" The owner shouts, "What - the arms, or the legs?" "NEITHER! THE MASK, I WANT TO KISS HER!!!"
A young farmhand, after many years of toiling on his father's farm, is given the responsibility for having his young cow serviced by a neighbor's stud bull. The stud is brought over one afternoon by the neighbor's daughter, and after some preparations, the stud is introduced to the cow. The farmhand and the neighbor's daughter sit on a fence to watch, and as the stud mounts the cow, the farmhand begins to sweat and squirm on the fence. "Why, whatever's wrong, Jesse?" the young girl says, innocently. "Oh gosh," the farmhand mutters. "I wish I was a-doin' that," he says, eyeing the neighbor's daughter. "Well, go right ahead, Jesse," she says. "After all, it's your cow."
Sheepherders in Montana have found a *new* use for sheep...WOOL
Submitted by Horse's Ghost:
A zoosexual women walks into her sex therapist's office and tells the doctor that her pony is not a very good lover, they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist prescribs an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give the horse one pill at the evening feeding then come back and give her an update.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling her therapist that the pill worked and she and her horse had the best sex ever. She asks the doctor what would happen if she gave her pony two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
A day passes and the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better and what would happen if she gave the stud five pills? The therapist says she doesn't know, go right ahead.
The next morning, the woman comes in very limp, but happy and satiated, telling the doctor that the sex just keeps getting better and better and what would happen if she gave the animal the rest of the bottle? The therapist still has no idea; it's an experimental drug in zoosexual medicine and recommends caution at doing so.
Anyway, the woman leaves the office and goes home, giving the rest of the pills to her charger with the nights feeding.
A week later, a distraught nineteen-year-old boy storms into the therapist's office interupting a meeting and exclaims: "Are you the psychotic doctor who gave my mom that bottle of Z69 zoo pills?"
"Why yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister is in foal, my ass hurts, and dad's sitting in the corner licking a salt block!"
Submitted by Sharpfang:
Once an Arab had to cross a desert. He loaded enough food and water on his she-camel and moved on his way. He was going for several days, not very fast, without problems - Just a normal route he had traveled several times. But one day he felt the call of nature. He needed it so much, that he decided to try with his she-camel. But she was too tall for him. So he started building a pile of rocks behind her. Then he climbed the pile, lowered his pants and... she stepped several steps forward. So he started building another pile. Climbed again... And she moved forward again. After some hours they were standing at the end of a long row of rock piles, and then he looked around. Not very far he saw a beautiful girl, dying of thirst. He went to her, gave her water, took care of her and next morning she was feeling better and looking really pretty. She told him:
- You've saved my life... Ask me for anything you wish
- Could you hold this damned animal for a moment?
Submitted by Sharpfang:
An artificial inseminator comes to a farm to inseminate a cow. The farmer explains: "There's a cow and there's a hook so you can hang your pants."
Overheard at a party:
A farmer discovers that his plow mule's eyes have become crossed. He obviously can't use the animal for plowing in that condition, so he calls the vet. The vet comes out, takes a look at the mule's eyes, and tells the farmer to stand in front of the mule and let him know when the eyes are no longer crossed. The vet then stands behind the mule, takes out a length of garden hose, and inserts one end of the hose into the mule's rear end. The vet places his mouth on the other end and starts to blow forcefully into the hose. After a minute or so, the mule's eyes suddenly straighten out. "That'll be $20," says the vet. The farmer thanks the vet, pays him, and everything goes fine for the next few months. Then the farmer goes out to the mule and finds that the eyes have become crossed again. "Well, shucks," thinks the farmer, "No sense paying $20 for something I can do myself." So he cuts off a section of garden hose, calls a neighbor, and tells the neighbor to watch the mule's eyes. The farmer goes behind the mule, sticks the garden hose into it, and blows with all his might. Several minutes go by, but the mule's eyes remain crossed. "Here," says the farmer, "let's trade places, and I'll watch his eyes. I'm exhausted." The neighbor farmer goes behind the mule, pulls out the hose, and inserts the other end into the mule. "What are you doing that for?" asks the first farmer. "Well, I'm not going to use the same end you did!"
Submitted by "TM":
So, a guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing all right--but after a few months he gets "lonely," if you know what I mean, nudge nudge wink wink. The pig starts to look more and more attractive--soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bites his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him, "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
Submitted by Midnight Son:
What's the difference between a woman and a dog?
Three more beers.
Submitted by Ojah:
Once upon a time there was an elk known as Elk with Big Balls.
One stormy night he ran through a forest, and suddenly his balls got stuck in a forky tree. He pulled them once - no effect, pulled again - and tore the balls away.
And in the morning he met a beautiful cow.
"My name is Cow with Big Tits," said the cow, "and who are you?"
"I'm Elk... well, just an elk." :-(
Once a wolf and a stallion decided to fuck each other.
The wolf mounted the stallion and screws him, then says: "Hey Stallion, please twirl your ass - I cannot come."
The stallion twirled his ass, and the wolf came.
Then the stallion screws the wolf and cannot come too. He says: "Wolf, please twirl your ass..."
"Twirl my ass?!.. I cannot even turn my head!.."
Submitted by Ojah:
Teacher asks a boy: "Why you were not at school yesterday?"
"I've leaded our cow to a bull."
"What, your father couldn't do it?"
"Sure, father could, but the bull is much better...."
Hussars wager who of them screwed a younger girl.
"I screwed ten year old girl!"
"I screwed seven year old girl!"
Rzhevsky says: "And I screwed 3-year old."
"But how? Tell us!"
"How... Unharnessed her and screwed..."
Submitted by Midnight Son:
Q: what do you do if you see an elephant coming through your door?
A: swim for your life.
Submitted by Kodiak:
There's a chicken and a horse, and the horse falls into a lake and gets stuck. The horse calls out, "Help! Get the farmer's Lincoln and pull me out!" So the chicken gets the car and pulls out the horse (don't ask how a chicken can drive :)) ... Later, the chicken falls in and gets stuck and calls out, "Help! Get the farmer's Lincoln and pull me out!" The horse shakes his head and swings down his dick and says, "Here, grab ahold of this instead." The chicken nods and the horse pulls him out and says, "Just goes to show if you have a big dick you don't need a fancy car to pick up chicks."
Submitted by PROTEVS:
What are the 3 biggest lies a truck driver tells?
1. My truck is paid for.
2. I didn't know she was my sister.
3. I was trying to help that goat get across the fence, REALLY!
Submitted by Ojah:
Exams in an agricultural institute. Professor tells a student: "Well, I see that you don't know anything. But you have a last chance. Answer the question: is it possible to make abortion to a cow? Go prepare youself." The student doesn't know the right answer. He runs out to corridor and sees a drunk hippie sitting at the wall. The student feverishly asks the hippy: "Please, come on, tell me, is it possible to make abortion to a cow?" The hippie looks at him and thoughtfully says: "Well, guy, I see you are in troubles..."
A soiree, music, champagne, people are dancing... Bored Rzhevsky stands at the wall. Suddenly Natasha Rostova comes to him and tells him nervously: "Rzhevsky, that man just now said "asshole" in my hearing..." "Well... hussars are brutish and uncultured people... They even fuck horses..." "But... how?..." says Natasha half in faint. "How? Well... they just stand on hills and fuck..."
Submitted by Wolf Wielder:
There was once this really tough bird from Texas. The bird was so tough that he would go around killing rattlesnakes just for fun. Well one day, the bird decided that he would get laid. So flying off through the trees, the bird saw a Lark. The bird swooped down and mounted the Lark. In moments the bird was done and flew off. The Lark began singing. "I'm a lark and I've just been sparked." The bird then saw a dove and again swooped sown and mounted. In moments the bird was done and the dove flew off singing, "I'm a dove and I've just been loved." The bird flew on and saw a duck walking on the ground. The bird swooped down and amongst flying feathers and the duck's noise, the bird finally satisfied himself and flew off. After a moment, the duck stood and looked around. The duck then walked off, saying, "I'm a drake and there's been a mistake."
A lady one day walked into the drug store. She was looking for a new type of hair removal. So she begins asking the drug-store owner. He tells her about this new product they have, but it works differently for each person so you have to test it first. Well she buys the hair remover and hurries home. When she gets home, she tears into the package and removes the bottle of hair remover, but fails to notice the testing kit in the package. She looks at the bottle and knows she has to test it, but doesn't want to test it on herself. So she goes outside and sees her dog Max laying on the porch. Taking a little bit of the hair remover, she rubbed it in his hair on his back by the base of his tail. Fifteen minutes later, she comes back, and is shocked to see that Max is totally bald from his chest to the tip of his tail. Feeling embarassed for the dog and for making him bald, the woman goes inside and makes the dog a pair of pants. She puts the pants on the dog and he seems happy about the whole thing, wagging his tail enthusiastically. So the woman goes inside. A few hours later, her husband comes home and is laughing hysterically. "What's so funny?" asked the woman. "I just saw the most hilarious thing in the universe." he replied. "I just saw Max outside, with one paw on the bitch, the other paw, trying to unbutton his pants."
This Zebra on his way to a zoo from Africa is put up on a nearby stock farm since there was no room in the zoo. Well, the young zebra, being curious and having never been to America, begins walking around asking questions about what the animals do. The chickens tell him that they lay eggs. The pigs say they are being fattened for food. The dogs say they chase cats, and the cats say they chase mice. Well, while walking around, the zebra sees a big red bull and walks up to him. "So what do you do here, sir?" the zebra asked. The bull looked at the zebra and said, "Take off those striped pajamas you're wearing and I'll show you what I do around here." [Believe it or not, this joke is from a brochure handed out to children at a zoo.]
Submitted by TropicalWolf:
You are friends with a guy named Jack, and every weekend you go riding with him. Everytime you go to a creek, jack helps you off your horse, so you can cross. One day, jack hurt his leg. When you ride up to the next stream, will you help jack off his horse? (get it, jack-off ha ha)
Submitted by Steed:
Did you know that in many states, the Department of Fish and Game requires that when you bag a deer, you must attach proof of sex to the tag that you put on the ear? Wait a minute. What do they want, a video? A witness? Would a used condom suffice? [I suggested a Polaroid of a smiling deer, smoking a cigarette. :) --Actaeon]
Submitted anonymously:
Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin!
Submitted by Mr. Ed:
Part 1-Whom does a tigress/lioness make love to? Any one she wants to!
Part 2-How do you make love to a tigress/lioness? Very carefully!
Submitted by Ojah:
A vet performs artifical insemination on some cows. When he completes his work, the cows surround him and don't let him go. "What do you need from me?!" asks the vet, displeased. One of the cows looks into his eyes and sadly says: "And how about a kiss?"
Once upon a time there was a donkey who fucked everything that moved. Animals of the forest, tired of this tyranny, asked a dragon to stop the lechery. The dragon comes over, sees the donkey trembling like an aspen leaf and asks him: "What, afraid?" "Yes, afraid... It will be the first time I fuck such a dreadful creature..."
A cow walking in a field suddenly stepped on some electric wire and was killed by the shock. A rabbit was passing by; he saw the cow lying down, approached her from the rear and fucked her. Then he walked around her, saw her bugged-out eyes and proudly said: "Well, cow, it's not a bull's pipette...."
Submitted anonymously (so far):
Why do Australian sheepherders herd their flock up hill? Because that's the only way they'll push back.
Submitted anonymously (so far):
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But, every once in a while, he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality - "Howard. You're a veterinarian."
From a mailing list I'm on:
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been being on!"
The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence -- what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a flock of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the black sheep, I won't say anything about the white child."
From a mailing list I'm on:
Why is Bambi's mother called 99 cents ?
Because she is always under a buck :)
A man was driving along in a desert type area when his car started acting funny, so he pulled into a service station. The mechanic told him it would be a while, and that the guy should go on into town and come back in a few hours.
So the guy goes into town and looks around for a while; on his way back he buys an ice cream cone and eats it while walking to the service station. As he is walking, the hot sun causes the ice cream to drip out of the end of the cone and all over his shirt.
As he approaches the service station the mechanic comes out from under the hood of the guy's car and looks at him and says, "Well, it looks like you have blown a seal" and the guy says "Naw, that's just ice cream."
A Poem from The Eagle:
Rudolph the red-tooled reindeer had a very shiny tool!
And if you ever saw it, you would really drool!
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names!
They never let poor Rudolph join in any stag party games!
Then one foggy Zetatmas Eve, Santa came to say:
Rudolph with your tool so bright, won't you ride me hard tonight?
Then all the other reindeer shouted out with glee:
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you put Santa in ecstasy!
Submitted via e-mail:
One day a ventriliquist cowboy walked into town and saw an old rancher sitting on the front porch with his dog. The cowboy decides to have some fun, so he approaches the old rancher and the conversation went like this...
COWBOY: "Hey mister, nice dog! Mind if I talk to him?"
RANCHER: "This dog don't talk."
COWBOY: "Hey dog, hows it going?"
DOG: "Doin allright"
RANCHER: (Extreme look of shock)
COWBOY: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the rancher)
DOG: "Yep."
COWBOY: "Hows he treat you?"
DOG: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and lets me run all over."
RANCHER: (Look of disbelief)
COWBOY: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
RANCHER: "Horses don't talk."
COWBOY: "Hey horse, hows it going?"
HORSE: "Cool."
RANCHER: (An even wilder look of shock)
COWBOY: "Is this your owner?" (Again pointing to the rancher)
HORSE: "Yep."
COWBOY: "Hows he treat you?"
HORSE: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
RANCHER: (Absolutely amazed. . . . shocked)
COWBOY: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
RANCHER: (Gesticulating nervously) "Oh, them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!!"
From a comedy special on TV:
Tim Conway told the following joke:
When I was growing up, I didn't know that much about sex. One day, I was watching some cattle in a field. All of a sudden, one of the cattle jumped onto the back of another and started moving back and forth, as though a strong wind had blown it up there. I asked my mom what they were doing, and she said, "Oh...they're making cookies." So a while later, the neighbor girl down the road happened to call me on the phone to ask if I wanted to come over and help her make some brownies. I said, "Sure, but I don't think it's windy enough."
Paul Rodriguez told the following one:
A little boy runs into the house and tells his mother, "Mommy! Mommy! The red bull is fucking the white cow!" Shocked, the mother replies, "We don't use that language around here! Say 'The red bull _surprised_ the white cow.'" A little while later, the boy rushed into the house again. His mother put up a hand and said, "I know, I know: the red bull surprised the brown cow." "He sure did," replied the little boy. "He's fucking the white one again!"
Three jokes from a mailing list I subscribe to:
#1:
A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air.
The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the old sausage. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can.
Then, he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it is the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, screwing the "King of the Jungle" in the rear end.
The lion is shocked and upset, lets out a mighty ROAR and chases the gorilla through the jungle.
Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into a campsite, puts on some safari clothes and pith helmet, picks up a newspaper, sits down and holds it up to his face, and makes like he is reading it.
Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle. "RRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla starts shaking behind the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just s-s-s-screwed you in the ass?" he stutters.
The lion sits up with a start and says, "Jesus! It's in the paper already?"
#2:
Three mice are sitting at a bar bullshitting about which one is the toughest, most hardcore, macho mouse. The first mouse does a shot, slams the glass on the bar and says, "I set off mouse traps just for fun. I grab the cheese and when the bar comes down, I benchpress 50 or 60 reps before I take my loot home." He slams another shot. The second mouse downs a shot and says, "That's nothing, bro. I eat those rodent-poison tablets like candy. I can chow a whole box of Decon without even farting." He slams another shot. The third mouse downs a shot and walks away from the bar. "Where ya going, ya wimp?" the other mice chortle. The third mouse shrugs. "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
#3:
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?
'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.
'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'
'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.'
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.'
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
'That was fantastic,' he panted.
'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.
'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'
'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'
From The Eagle:
Q: What would you call me if I had sex with two female cervines? (besides lucky!)
A: A doe-doe bird!
Q: Why do I feel cheap?
A: Because I want to be under a buck!
Does that make any cents? Errr, mean scents? Errr, I mean sense!
Q: Why are playful geldings no good?
A: Because they suck!
Yes, I found this out IRL! :)
Q: What is the last thing I want to hear on a date?
A: Anything spoken in a human language!
Especially "Who's that in the barn?!?"
Q: When do you NOT want to attract a horse?
A: After you decided to cancel a date rather quickly upon seeing some headlights coming down the drive!
Q: What do you call a drink consisting of pure Doe and Vixen musk?
A: ZOOPHILIC NARCOTIC
I have tried this ... fair warning: a little goes a loooooong way ... it tends to cause quite a re re reaction! Special recognition must go to Bushrat for introducing me to this!!! :) You might want to try mixing it with ice cream or milk or something, because pure form is very concentrated. (a buck gets a squirt, and look what kinda reaction it causes that big fella!)
From Hawk:
Q: How are goat zoos like women?
A: They both like KIDS!
(A baby goat is called a KID)
From Whitenoiz:
A farmer is reading the latest issue of "Animal Husbandry Today" when he runs across this "fun fact."
He tells his wife, "You know, it says here human beings are the only animals where the female of the species has an orgasm."
The wife gets this sly little smile and says, "Why don't you prove it to me?"
The farmer says, "OK, I will!" and much to his wife's puzzlement he gets up and goes outside.
About 45 minutes later, the farmer returns all hot and sweaty and says, "Well, the cow and the sheep definitely didn't have an orgasm, but the pig -- with all that squealing it'd be damn hard for me to tell!"
From Actaeon:
Did you know that Laika, the Russian dog who went into space, was the subject of numerous sex change operations? Yep: sometimes you feel Laika's nuts, sometimes you don't.
From the furvert mailing list:
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man : So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the
bucket.
Man : O.K., but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man : So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man : and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket.
Man : Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man : So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the
right.
Man : and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I
got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket
with her tail.
Man : Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man : So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and
tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down
and my wife walked in...
Some things you just can't explain.
From the furvert mailing list:
Gay guy walks into the vet's office with his Bernese mountain dog.
Receptionist says, "How can I help you?"
He stammers and looks around. Finally he leans close. "It's my dog..."
Receptionist leans over the counter and looks at the dog. "He looks fine, what's the problem?"
Gay guy stutters and blushes. "H..he k..k..keeps humping my leg!" He sighs and says, "I've brought him in to be fixed."
Receptionist says, "Oh! Well here, fill out these forms, and the vet will be right with you."
Receptionist takes the dog back into a waiting room and returns to behind the counter.
Gay guy starts reading through the forms and gets to the words "neuter."
Gay guy jumps up and grabs the receptionist. "Where's my dog???" he growls.
Receptionist waves frantically. "He's right in there!! In there!!"
Gay guy storms to the room and gets his dog, and is met by the vet on the way out the door.
Vet says, "What's wrong, I thought you wanted him fixed?"
Gay guy turns to the vet, eyebrow and chin raised as he stares down at him, and says, "The only thing I wanted fixed was his aim!"
From the furvert mailing list:
Q. How do you tell the difference between a mare and a stallion?
A. Stick your nose under its tail. If there's a place for your tongue, it's a mare.
From Chrysolithos:
Q. Why did the walrus attend the Tupperware party?
A. He was looking for a tight seal.
From the furvert mailing list:
A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them.
"Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first dog. "What's your name?" To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?"
Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "Your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had a 'Fabulous' day."
From "The Mark and Brian Radio Program":
I heard this on Mark and Brian last week. Apologies if I've taken a few liberties with it, but my memory isn't what it used to be. :)
A poor country farmer wakes up one morning, looks out the window, and sees the family's milk cow lying dead in the field. Distraught that their only source of milk and money is lost, he hangs himself. His wife awakens, finds the cow and her husband dead, and shoots herself in anguish.
When the eldest of their three sons wakes up, he also realizes the situation is hopeless, and rushes down to the river to drown himself. As he is getting ready to jump in, however, he sees a mermaid. The mermaid calls out to him, "I have seen all. I have the power to set everything right again, and will do so...if you will have sex with me five times." The boy is shocked for a moment, but of course he accepts her offer. Unfortunately, he is only able to make love four times before becoming exhausted, so the mermaid drowns him.
When the second boy awakens, he sees what has happened, and runs to the river to drown himself as well. The mermaid makes him the same offer, except now she wants to be made love to ten times, not five. The boy does his best, but is only able to satisfy her eight times, so she drowns him, too.
When the youngest son awakens, he makes the same discovery and heads for the river to end his life. This time, the mermaid wants to be satisfied fifteen times. "Heck," says the boy egotistically, "why not twenty times, or even thirty?" The mermaid agrees, and the boy starts to prepare himself. "But wait," he says suddenly, "how do I know that having sex with you thirty times won't kill you, like it did the cow?"
From "The Mark and Brian Radio Program":
It's been a good week for zoo jokes on Mark and Brian.
Two guys are driving down the road one day, when they see a flock of sheep in a field. One says, "You see that sheep with its head wedged between those fenceposts?" "Yeah," says the other one. "You know what I wish?" "No, what?" "I wish that was a woman, stuck like that, unable to move." The other guy thinks a moment. "You know what I wish?" "No," says the first guy. "I wish it was dark."
Submitted via e-mail:
One day, this tourist happened to be driving by a farm, and he saw a farmer having sex with a donkey out in the middle of the field. The tourist, completely aghast by this disgusting act (or so _he_ thought), pulled into the farm's driveway.
He parked at the house and ran up to the door and knocked on it. A small boy, somewhere around 8 years old, answered the door. The tourist cried, "There--there's a man out there making love to a donkey!"
The boy replied, "Oh, HEE-HAW-lways does that."
Overheard:
A policeman pulls over an Amish woman in a horse and buggy. "I pulled you over for two reasons. Number one, there's no reflector on the back of your buggy."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Officer, it must have fallen off. I'll get it replaced immediately."
"The other thing...um, well, I could help but notice that, ah, your reins are all, ah, tangled up in your horse's testicles."
"Oh, I see. Yes, I'll take care of that, too."
So the woman heads home, and tells her husband that a policeman pulled her over. "I had to get a new reflector," she tells him, "and I forget exactly what the other thing was, but it had something to do with the emergency brake."
Submitted via e-mail:
Why do the farmers in (insert country name here) have such long arms?
Because when they are kissing the cow, they can also pet the udder!
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are sitting in a gynecologist's waiting room. The brunette says, "I'll get a boy, because when I had sex, I was on top." The redhead says, "Well, I'm getting a girl, because I was on the bottom." The blonde is shocked, and says, "I think I'm getting a dog!"
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order. One day the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?" The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!" "So," the druggist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?" The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
Submitted via e-mail:
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse,instead of on top."
One day, a group of lions are resting in the midday sun, when suddenly they hear loud bangs and laughter from behind a bush. Then came some elephants around the bush. One of the lions says, "What's all this noise, when we're trying to rest?" One of the elephants answers, "we're fucking some baboons." "And what's so funny about that? We do that, too," replies the lion. And the elephant says, "but if you do that, they won't burst."
Submitted via e-mail:
Over in Scotland, there once was a man named Angus. Angus lived alone on a hill overlooking a small town with nice roads, beautifully thatched roofs, and the houses made out of nice mud walls.
One day, a friend from the city visited Angus. "Angus," the friend says, "that's a very nice looking town down there. Why do you live up here alone and not in that village?"
"You see all those beautiful mud walls?" begins Angus. "I made each of those walls myself. But, do they call me Angus the Wall Builder? No. You see all those nice thatched roofs? I made each roof myself. But, do they call me Angus the Roof Maker? No. Do you see all the roads running through the town? I made all those roads with my own hands. But, do they call me Angus the Road Maker? No. But fuck one sheep...."
Q: What did the veterinarian say to the dog who kept licking his balls?
A: Thank you!
Submitted by Rko Meerkat:
On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a birthday present for his son. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him onboard the airplane.
About 30 minutes into the trip a steward noticed the man shaking and quivering.
"Are you OK, sir?" asked the steward.
"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.
Sometime later the steward noticed the man moaning, and shaking again.
"Are you sure you're all right sir?"
"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants."
"What's wrong?" asked the steward, "Is he not house broken?"
"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"
Written by Actaeon:
What's the difference between a straight vampire and a zoo vampire?
One wants to suck your blood, and the other wants to suck your bloodhound.
Submitted by Furlup:
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:-
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."
Submitted by Furlup:
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!" The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?" The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"
Submitted by Furlup:
This guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tell him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him, they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary, but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he decides to go ahead with the surgery. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and has the guy report back in six weeks. Six weeks pass, and the guy comes in for his checkup, everything looks good so the doctor tells him to go ahead and try out his new equipment. The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner, while at dinner he starts to feel pain and incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he unzips his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few minutes, then gets a sly look on her face, and says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
From the furvert mailing list:
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
From the furvert mailing list:
A few weeks have passed since Stacey's husband has died, and now she's contacted this "medium"-woman. During the seance, she gets in touch with her late husband, and asks him what he does all day long, now that he's dead. So he starts talking: "In the morning, we have sex. Then there's a break. At noon, we have sex. Another break. And at night, more sex." "Wow," his wife says, "I had no idea that things were that HOT in heaven." He goes, "Who said ANYTHING about heaven? I'm a bunny in Australia!"
Written by Actaeon:
Did you hear the one about the masturbating elephant?
Yeah, you can see that one coming a mile away.
Submitted by "Kick_aha":
The old farmer was on his way from the market, when he saw a little frog in the middle of the road. He held his horse, climbed off the carriage, and lifted the little frog from the road and put it safely in the ditch. Then the frog started to speak. "Farmer, you are a good man, so I will grant you three wishes. Tell me what you want, and it will be done by tomorrow." The farmer thought it was some kind of joke, but he said: "I wish my wife were young and pretty again, I want a chest of gold, and I wish I was as well-equipped between my legs as my horse is." The farmer drove home, forgetting the incident. But when he woke up next morning, his wife was young and pretty again, and a chest full of gold stood by his bed. The farmer ran to a mirror, dropped his pants... "SHIT... I DROVE THE MARE...."
From the furvert mailing list:
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.
The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..."
Submitted by "Resident Hyaena":
What's better than a rooster in an air duct?
A cock in a vent!
From a mailing list I'm on:
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?"
The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck.
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
"Thanks mister", says the little boy.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
Written by Actaeon:
Why don't they have Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on the same day in [country of your choice]?
To give the donkey time to rest.
From a mailing list I'm on:
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a cool one when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says "That's not creative."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone...cheese mine."
From TomCat: -- Added March 19, 2000
A very attractive young woman goes to the doctor for an examination. After thoroughly examining her ,the Dr. says "You are in excellent health except for those bruises on your knees. They seem to be developing into calluses. Can you tell me where they are coming from"
The young woman starts to blush and says" I guess they have to do with my sexual activity. Whenever we make love we do it doggie style.
"Well that should be easy to take care of" the Dr. says "Surely you must know other ways to have sexual intercourse!"
"Oh! Yes, I do," says the woman, "but the dog doesn't!"
From Kevin Andrusky: -- Added December 16, 2000 A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approached the bartender and asks him. "What's up with the jar?" The bartender tells him, "well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money." "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills. Bartender: "OK , here's what you have to do.... First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her." The man responds, "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not a idiot, I can't do all that...it's impossible! "Well, you asked, and I told you.... those are the rules, and your money stays in the jar." Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body. "Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?" -----
A journalist is wants to do a report on mountain men so he goes out and finds this small farm house in the middle of nowhere. He's heard that the owner has been there all his life so he figures he could give good information. He asks the man, "What was a good thing that happened to you out here?" The man says, "There was one day when a buddy of mine lost his dog, so about 10 of gathered our moonshine and set out to look for him. By the time we found him we were pretty drunk and horny so we all had our way with the dog." The reporter says, "Oh my God! That's horrible! Is there anything better that has happened to you?" The Hoosier says, "Well one time my buddy lost his wife so"...he goes on to repeat the story and ends it with, "We all had our way with her." The reporter is a again disgusted and says, "What is the worst thing that has happened to you?" The man says "There was this one time that I got lost..."
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An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a local, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
"Ya mean women?" asked the local yokel. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks fuck sheep."
"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degradation."
However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.
Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
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An Eskimo was having problems with his car, so he decided to take it to mechanic. After examining the engine, the mechanic reported the problem.
"Looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic told the Eskimo.
"Nope," said the Eskimo, "that's just frost in my mustache."
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Q: How do Australians practise safe sex?
A: They mark the sheep that bite
Q: What is virgin wool?
A: The marked sheep
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These two gay guys are spending the day at the zoo, when they come across this large gorilla with a massive erection.
The first guy says the other guy "look at the size of that" and proceeds to put his hand into the cage to fondle it.
Next thing he knows the gorilla grabs him, pulls him into the cage, and proceeds to have his wicked way with him.
A couple of days later his pal visits him in hospital and he asks "are you hurt?".
He quickly replied, "Of course I am, he hasn't written, or phoned, or anything!"
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Researchers at NCSU were doing some work in the area of human and animal interbreeding, and as part of their course of research, it became necessary to mate a human with a gorilla. A sign was posted on campus to recruit a subject for the experiment..."Sex with Gorilla - $500.00."
After a few days time, they finally got a response. A NCSU student said he would have sex with the gorilla on the following three conditions.
* 1. I won't kiss her.
* 2. You have to name the "baby" after me. and...
* 3. I'll need a few weeks to come up with the $500.00.
Index -- Updated Saturday, December 16, 2000 -- E-mail Actaeon