You Might Be a Zoo If...

Note: On October 26, 1997, this list grew to over 300 entries. By 7/25/98 it had passed 500, on 5/23/99 it reached 800, and on 3/18/00 it topped 1000.

• You see a beautiful blond(e) walking a golden retriever, and you can't take your eyes off the dog.
• You see a bathroom door labeled "Unisex," and your first thought is of unicorns.
• Someone jingles some keys, and you look around for the dog.
• The horse you're riding stops to take a leak, and you try to inhale deeply without anyone noticing.
• You wish animal/wildlife magazines and calendars had a centerfold.
• Someone calls you a son-of-a-bitch, and you wish it were true.
• Your middle fingernail is trimmed short, but you're neither married nor dating.
• When your chair squeaks, your first thought is to use J-Lube on it.
• You watch "The Sound of Music" simply for the line "Doe, a deer, a female deer."
• When a St. Bernard finds you buried in the Alps, his keg of brandy is not your first choice of beverage.
• When you learn some cultures used to torture people by letting horses rape them, you get nostalgic for the good ol' days.
• You get aroused watching nature documentaries.
• You're annoyed when a supposedly male animal character in a movie or on TV is played by a female, or vice versa.
• You hear someone called a draft dodger, and you picture someone evading a horny Clydesdale.
• Your lover makes you sleep in the furry spot.
• You're disappointed that the animals depicted on a state seal or national crest are genderless.
• You aren't bothered by a dog sniffing your crotch.
• Your horse's stall floor is covered in bucket-sized circles.
• You hear the phrase "unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes" and wonder what all the fuss is about.
• You have to stop yourself from calling an animal "sexy" in public.
• You have books on animal husbandry or breeding, but you don't have any animals.
• Learning a neighborhood dog has been neutered sends you into a mild depression.
• Your visits to the zoo always coincide with the animals' heat periods.
• Someone tells you to "put out the dog," and you think he said "put out _for_ the dog."
• You have a special set of clothes you wear when your spend time with the dog/horse/whatever, and you deliberately don't wash them.
• You see a bra in a store, and wish they had one with four or six or eight cups.
• You suck donkeys...and swallow.
• You don't have cable TV, but you have your cable-equipped friends tape all the nature specials.
• When making love to your human partner, you close your eyes so you can envision him or her as an animal.
• You pet the neighbors' dogs more than they do.
• When you meet the neighbors, you ask how their animals are doing before you ask about their owners.
• When watching a disaster movie, even though you know it's just special effects, you worry more about whether the animals live through the film than if the humans do.
• When you visit a stable or a horse show, you repeatedly walk up and down the aisles between the stalls, hoping to see genitals.
• You enjoy putting your plushies into compromising positions with each other. :)
• The hair around your dog's vulva is either neatly trimmed out of the way, or it has an orange tint.
• You use an issue of DogFancy or Horse Illustrated as a masturbatory aid.
• You look forward to giving the dog (horse, whatever) a bath.
• Someone calls you a "stud," and you reply, "I wish."
• You stare at a police car, but only because it's the K-9 unit.
• When a person walking a dog passes you on a sidewalk, you turn to see if the dog is male or female, and if it's neutered.
• You don't mind being knocked down by a dog. Or knocked up, for that matter.
• You keep smelling your hand after petting an animal, and have learned to do it casually, so it isn't so obvious.
• You can forgive animals for almost any wrongdoing (peeing on the carpet, biting the hand that feeds them, getting pawprints all over your clean clothes, etc.).
• A vicious guard dog is barking its head off at you, and instead of watching its jaws, you check to see if it's intact or getting an erection.
• Your idea of safe sex involves a riding helmet, steel-toed boots, and/or a fence tester.
• You can bribe your date into having sex by giving it a Milk-Bone.
• You make love for 20 minutes because _you have no choice_.
• You go to a late-night drive-in movie, with only a dog for company.
• You can't wear light-colored pants to a dog or horse show.
• The reservoir tip on your lover's condom will hold 90cc.
• You have to adjust the crotch on your pants after driving by a pasture full of horses.
• The smell of animal manure doesn't bother you, mainly because it means there's an animal somewhere nearby.
• You scratch your feet on the ground after you go to the bathroom.
• You're annoyed by the inaccurate anatomical descriptions in bestiality porn stories, or you can't read such materials without laughing and mentally critiquing them as you go.
• You're the only one at the stable/kennel who doesn't mind cleaning the stalls/cages.
• You say (or think) the same things about dogs and horses that construction workers say about women who are passing by.
• You discover that a dog has taken a leak on your car tire, and you not only don't mind, you're sorry you missed it.
• The crime you fantasize about the most is to steal the county Animal Control van and take it to a secluded spot for a few hours. Or days.
• The phrase "putting on the dog" has a different meaning for you.
• The auto repair shop says your transmission has blown a seal, and you get jealous.
• You have an extensive collection of animal mating pictures torn or copied from magazines or books.
• You see house painters using strap-on stilts, and you think, "hey...."
• Your dog/horse doesn't even flinch when the vet takes its temperature, but _you_ shift a little in your seat while watching it.
• When you go to a mall, you try to park your car next to someone with a dog.
• You just _have_ to pet other people's dogs: you can't walk by one without trying to give it a scritch.
• You buy books on sheep dogs because they often show sheep close up and from the rear.
• You don't like cigars until you smell one that smells just like a horse stall (Villar y Villar Luguitos/Laguitos [?]).
• You hear a dog barking in a parked car, but you can't see which car it's in, and you worry whether it's okay.
• Every horse pasture you drive by seems to have one fenceboard placed at _exactly_ the wrong height.
• When traveling, you deliberately choose a route that takes you past the most horses/dogs/whatever.
• You have a pair of night-vision goggles in a glass box, labeled "In Case of Emergency, Break Glass."
• The sound of a person snoring keeps you awake, but the sound of a dog snoring helps you sleep.
• An animal bite or scratch is like a love mark to you.
• The police and townspeople are certain you've been casing the neighborhood, and you briefly consider saying it's true, rather than admit you're just looking for dogs.
• When you need to use clip art of an animal in some sort of design project, you modify the clip art so the animal is anatomically accurate. (Guilty on at least four counts so far. :)
• You wish pet stores had a fitting room.
• You don't have a screen saver or a wallpaper pattern for your computer...until you get a dog, horse, or other four-legged lover, and all of a sudden your screen background is plastered with pictures of him or her.
• You stop your car at an intersection when you don't really need to, because you want a pedestrian to walk a dog in front of you.
• You'd rather spend the night with the Chihuahua in the Taco Bell commercials than with the women he's trying to seduce.
• You sing along to love songs on the radio, but you substitute the names of your animals for the people's names.
• You equate taking off a horse's halter or a dog's collar with undressing it.
• You buy sex lube at the feed store, in gallon containers.
• You thought the Eddie Murphy version of "Doctor Dolittle" could have used even _more_ animal potty humor.
• You lament the popularity of overly-tall horse trailer doors.
• When a siren goes off, making all the dogs in town howl, you think, "hey, that'll make 'em easy to find."
• You carry a supply of ID tags with your name and phone number printed on them, so you can attach them to the collars of stray dogs you may find, so people who "find" the dogs will "return" them to you.
• Just hearing the word "stallion" sends a shiver up your spine.
• Your marital aids include night-vision goggles.
• During the "Stallions In-Hand" class at a horse show, you wish you had a stallion in your hand.
• The smell of a wet dog doesn't bother you.
• You're the only one _not_ trying to pass a slow-poke horse trailer; in fact, you're tailgating.
• You're intensely aroused by the way a room smells after dogs have had sex there.
• You eagerly download a picture called "Tiger barbs" from the alt.binaries.pictures.animals newsgroup, and are disappointed when it turns out to be aquarium fish. (guilty!)

• You'd like to give Yogi *more* than a picnic basket.
• Your idea of a night out on the town involves the countryside.
• Your idea of a strip club is a dog show.
• You've been kicked out dog shows. ;)
• You've trained yourself to "Roll over, stay!"
• Your girlfriends measurement are in "hands."
• A dog barking arouses you.
• Every mare in the stable knows you...intimately.
• Spam/ham/lamb/beef makes you cry.
• You have a personal vendetta against glue companies.
• Your dog comes running when it hears the sound of a zipper.
• Your idea of an orgy involves multiple horses.
• You envy your vet.
• The S.P.C.A. blames you whenever an animal goes missing.
• You've ever tried to sneak into the S.P.C.A. (and if you've ever succeded)
• Your (human) girlfriend gets mad at you for calling her 'Muffy.'
• You have a large collection of Disney movies, but no kids.
• You subscribe to Dog Lovers magazine, and are disappointed.
• When you moan, she whinnies/barks/bleats/baaa's.
• Multiple orgasms are nothing new to you.
• A woman wearing fur gives you an instant hard-on.
• You know the web-address to Valadan's Stable by heart.
• You know EXACTLY when your dog/horse/anything is in heat.
• Foreplay involves carrots/apples/milkbones.
• Your dream job would be breeding horses. ;)

• Your mares fight over you for attention.
• You walk by the llama pen and all the does sit.
• Your mare thinks her name is "Oh God! don't step forward now!"
• You don't have to tell your dog to lay down and roll over.
• You have to comb your hair to remove your mare's tail hair from it.
• You when you can find yer way around the barn blindfolded.
• You know every weak link in the fences in the neighborhood.
• You find yourself wishing you were an animal.
• You like *showering* with your mare, cow, other ;-)
• You have more fun with your Camel then just smoking it.
• The term "Bringing home the bacon" has a different meaning.
• You find yerself looking for animal hair caught in yer zipper.
• You watch PBS's Nature instead of Baywatch.
• You check the bottoms of buckets for footprints. (I guess this is to check to see if some else has beaten you to that bucket. ;)
• You find four-foot tail hairs in yer dryer lint.
• You possess the personal phone number of the director of your local zoological park.
• You hang out for hours at Sleepy's Forest and the Plane of Animals.
• Lassie comes home (use your imagination)
• You possess a copy of "Closer to Hogs" by Nine Inch Richard.
• Your favorite song is "The Chestnut Mare" by The Byrds.
• You are turned off by human porn movies.
• "Docking" means more to you than tying a boat to the pier.
• Mountain Time (mountin' time) mean it's time for love.
• You sit up and wait for the Cows to come home.
• You start buying button-fly jeans. (I guess this is because sheep panic when they hear a zipper drop.)

• You're walking next to your sweaty horse up a hill and have to lean on him for support the whole way.
• You always check the spelling when you see the words "Bridal Shop," and wish it was something else.
• You're the only one sitting on the floor with the dogs whenever you visit.
• You're the only one you know that keeps dog biscuits in the car for snacks.

You might be an Ornithophile (or Aviphile) if:

• You let your birds have the run of the house, and your friends can't figure out why there's never any droppings on the floor.
• You have a 10 inch penis and CRY about it (most birds don't have any penis).
• You tried to lay an egg but couldn't get it in first. (Guilty)
• Watching people kiss is like a watching a porno movie.
• You stand behind one of those dunking birds (you know, on the glass of water) for hours.
• You know what it means when the parrot at the store bobs his head at you, and you bob back.
• The parrot doesn't bob for other people.
• They bite the handlers but not you.
• You go into the book store and spend hours looking at the bird books trying to find mating pics.
• You get mad at the porn sites for using "bird" and "cloaca" when they DON'T HAVE EITHER, and screw up your web search!
• You watched Jurassic Park and called the T-Rex daddy.
• You think Raptors are sexy too.
• You get mad when cartoonists draw birds with "cleavage".
• You answer people with a straight face when they joke about what's exactly in a chicken breast.
• You constantly correct people about whether birds have nipples or not.
• You keep up on genital modification surgery *hoping*.
• You book a flight for Sweden just in case...
• Somebody calls you chicken s**t, and wonder if you've just been "outed".
• You hang your bird feeder *above* eye level (Guilty).
• You get teary eyed when the male Cardinals feed their mates tenderly.
• You make faces in the mirror trying to make your lips look like a cloaca.
• You can hunt deer ok, but the thought of duck hunting makes you cry.
• Polly always wants more than a cracker.
• You research various magical practices trying to shapeshift into a hawk.
• You ask the scalp specialists about feather implants, and they laugh at you.
• You have tried to fly without airplanes.
• You have a flock, and aren't a shepherd.
• You squawk when you hear something exciting.
• You find yourself chirping along to the nature CD's.
• You refer to your house as your "nest".
• You can't go past the dairy section in the super market without wanting to incubate the eggs.
• You try not to drool when somebody uses the term "loose as a goose"
• You see "non-dairy creamer" advertised and read the ingredients *hoping*.
• You firmly believe that milk is only for young cows.
• All the pigeons leave the old lady at the park and fly over to your bench, even though she has food and you don't.
• You tell your coworkers you don't find women attractive, and they can't understand why you keep insisting you aren't gay. (happened to me!)
• You go to Rocky Horror only for the part where Frank touches the stuffed bird's tail.
• When somebody talks about mounting a bird in the trophy room you had other things in mind.
• When you want corn for dinner you go outside and scratch the ground.
• You ever watched the Dinosaucers cartoon just to stare at Teryx.
• You line your walls with chicken wire and/or your floor with newspaper.
• You subscribe to Birdtalk "just for the articles" (yeah, right).
• Your mom searched your room for Playboys, and can't understand why you keep the bird magazines under your mattress instead. (No, didn't happen to me, lol)
• You get mad at furry artists that show bird forms with external testis and a glans penis.
• You like to envision angels as complete birds instead of winged humans.
• You join the NRA just to meet Eddie Eagle, and then ask him to go into the back room...Then get disappointed when you find out it's just a guy in a costume.
• You understand why Donald Duck never wore pants.
• You wish Daffy Duck was the star of Warner Brothers.
• You go to Star Trek conventions looking for the Birds-of-Prey.
• You get disappointed when you only find Klingons.
• You wonder why there aren't any avian species on Star Trek (there was ONE in the animated series).
• You led the choir because you are polytonic.
• You think polyphony is calling your wife.
• You think polygamy is parrot foreplay.
• You think polyandry is when her vent isn't wet.
• You think Wing Commander has to do with flock dominance.
• You keep wanting to build a flapping-winged plane.
• Feather dusters turn you on.
• You keep trying to go south for the winter.
• You buy Video Catnip, but don't own a cat.
• You own a cat, but he's in the cage and the bird is out.
• You serve ham at Thanksgiving, and spare the turkey. (for better things)
• When somebody says they want to "talk turkey" you unbutton.
• You go to Bush Gardens and spend all day in the aviary instead of taking the rides.
• You go to Bush Gardens and see the Phoenix as a shrine of worship.
• You write nasty lettes to the Nintendo factory for making Duck Hunt.
• You spend the day on a boat at the beach just to watch the pelicans tip their tails up as they dunk for fish.
• You buy a down mattress and sleep *in* it.
• You put it in your will to have your body burned on a nest of frankincense and cinnamon.
• When somebody says "look at the tits on that one!" You instantly look at the trees for titmouse instead.
• You go fishing with a set of binoculars.
• When somebody says "kiss me" you attempt to mount them.
• You listen to "Kiss me deadly" over and over again just to get horny.
• You think the Cloaca Maxima is a holy place.
• You sleep by standing on one leg and turning your head backward.
• Your bird masturbates on your finger, and you encourage it.
• You then spend hours licking that finger.
• You navigate by magnetic fields.
• You play the recording of America's Funniest Videos where the girl got sliced on by the hawk over and over again, and drool all over the screen.
• Someone says "rubber chicken" and you rub her chicken.
• Someone says "wow that's a hot one" and you reach for your rectal thermometer *hoping*.
• You park under lamp posts on purpose.
• You have trouble explaining why the police always haul you out from under the overpasses.
• Your feathered friends are more than "just" friends.
• You'r friends say "gimme kiss" to your parrot and wonder why it fans it's tail in their face.
• You look at the sex toy sites and get depressed when they don't have a "Better than Real Cloaca".
• A "rave review" is a Raven centerfold.
• You eat crow and like it! 8)
• When someone says "kiss my ass" it's a come on.
• You have more down than lint in your drier filter.
• You line your underwear with down. (considering!!!)
• When somebody says you've got your head up your ass you think "If I only could".
• A bird in the hand IS in the bush - with you.
• Someone says "suck my cock" and you head for the chicken coup.
• You watch F-16's take off from behind, and get horny.
• When someone threatens to kick your ass you turn them in for sexual assault.
• You stuff the turkey and the turkey likes it.
• You're family history includes dinosaurs.
• The fox in the henhouse is the feathered one.
• You wonder if Audubon did his birds.
• When they said "The Eagle has Landed" you grinned.
• You try to build a house using tweezers and straw.
• You can teach Ornithology and haven't been to college.
• The white powder in the sugar jar isn't sugar.
• You see the dove in Willow unload on the Village Elder's mouth and lick your lips.
• The frosting on your birthday cake isn't icing...
• And when they offer you a slice you grin. 8)
• You have fantasies of getting raped by an eagle.
• You have fantasies of being abducted by alien birds to be used as a pleasure slave.
• You turn your keylock so that the door only opens when the slit is horizontal. (Guilty)
• You get a rush when you DO unlock the door.
• You try to tongue balloons when you blow them up.
• You get beat up by bikers because you stare at their shirts too long.
• You keep a cuttlebone pinned to your WALL.
• You eat millet instead of icecream.
• You feed your kids by regurgitating instead of giving them formula.
• You crack walnuts with your mouth, and can remove the innerds with only the use of your tongue.
• Birdbrain is a compliment.
• You went to the movie "The Crow" just for the bird.
• You go to Cardinals games, and don't like baseball.
• The thunderbird is your dream girlfriend. (Sparks would fly!!!)
• You LIKE getting stuck between a Roc and a hardplace.
• You find the Firekkan race hot and sexy, and wonder if Hunter ever did K'Kai, and wished they wrote a scene for it! (Wing Commander fans all grin)
• You wonder why people have their kisser where their pecker should be, and their pecker where their kisser should be.
• You would rather be a bird than a human.
• You are a friend of Resident Hyaena. ;)

• You buy the Bock beer that has the best looking goat on the label.
• Someone calls you a horse's ass, and you have to struggle to keep a straight face.
• The smell of fresh manure makes your nostrils flare, and you think of love.
• You can compare the good points of blow jobs from several species.
• You have big bite marks that last for a week, and you don't mind.
• You bark
• A dog smiles at you, and you grin back
• You've learned how to let a dog take a long whiff of your crotch as you chat with the owner like nothing is happening
• They send the hounds after you, and it takes them an hour to get back
• You always thought that slogan said "paws that refreshes"
• You have your decoys, your hunting blind, your flask, your faithful retriever, and you get angry at the damn waterfowl for showing up
• You pick fights with your spouse, hoping to be sent to the doghouse
• The neighborhood dogs grin when they chase your car, and they catch it
• Your spooge never reaches the ground
• As a child, you got excited at the old Coppertone logo (in which a dog is pulling down a swimsuit)
• Your friend returns articles of your clothing, which he obtained from his dog
• To you, "unnatural" describes cosmetics
• You've been kicked out of a petting zoo
• The baby pictures in your workplace are all of foals
• You act innocent when the horse you're rubbing drops in public, and you don't stop
• The local mares greet you by backing up to you
• You go to work in the morning with fingers that smell like...love
• You keep finding barbed-wire nicks on the insides of your thighs
• Your penis has black-and-blue marks
• All of your pants have small rips in the crotch
• You always have a pair of steeltoe boots in your wardrobe, and a pair never lasts long
• You watch dull cowboy movies just for the horseflesh
• Your idea of "swinging" involves gates
• Your idea of "slapping bellies" involves only one belly
• You've hidden between a mare and her foal to evade a police helicopter searchlight (true story)
• Your parents ask when you'll give them grandchildren, and you want to say "when they perfect interspecies testicular transplants"
• You make dinner reservations in the name of a Mr. Crump
• Your car's steering wheel has smegma
• For you, "unbridled passion" is exactly that
• You floss with tail hairs
• You check equestrian statues for anatomical correctness
• You're discovered talking like Mr. Ed in your sleep
• You know how to make a mare flehmen
• Your pillowcases have horse hair on them
• Your romantic evening dinner starts with grain
• You begin to rationalize that farts don't really smell all that bad
• You have ever, even once, put a bare foot in a warm pile and wiggled your toes
• In bed, you answer to "Trigger" without thinking twice
• You get stuck in traffic behind a Ford Bronco II, and you just gaze at the horse on the spare wheel cover
• You know what's missing in the Ferrari logo
• You're putting on your special dark clothes at 1:00 am

You know you're a dolphin zoo when...

• Your skin doesn't wrinkle from being in the water anymore.
• The dolphins at Rocky Point don't come to you for fish anymore...
• When you go to the beach, people ask about your rake marks.
• You went to an emergency room for tooth holes in your penis.
• You have every book David Brin wrote memorized.
• Every night you make a sacrifice to Jacques Cousteau.
• You don't recognize nipples as being on peoples chests anymore.
• The trainers at the local aquarium know you on a first name basis.
• You record every episode of Flipper because.. Well, just Because!
• You recognize every dolphin at the aquarium by the size of their....Flippers!
• You routinely post to Alt.Animals.Dolphins asking for mating information and pictures for a school report.
• A dolphin squeaks to you, and you squeak back!
• You have more recordings of dolphins than John Lilly.
• You buy the Godzilla soundtrack to listen to the line "Swim like a dolphin" in the song "Heroes"
• You have spliced all the good parts of the "Free Willy" trilogy so you won't have to watch the humans.
• You proclaim a death mark on the actor who plays the guy who shot Flipper's girlfriend.
• You are working on a dolphin-human translation device so she can say "I do"
• You always carry a video camera at the aquarium in case the dolphins feel "Frisky"
• You have trained one of the dolphins at the local aquarium to erect on demand.
• You faked scientific papers so you could see Shamu erect. (partially guilty:)
• You can recite every dolphin species and sub-species on demand.
• You keep a dolphin beany baby in a vacuum chamber to preserve it.
• You try to convince a bestial web-site to produce a dolphin video using a script you wrote.
• You tried to sue geocities when they took out Ecco's web-site.
• You cut out all the penis's on the "Penis's of the animal world" poster except for the dolphin and whale.
• You routinely badger Disney for not giving the dolphins a bigger part in "The Little Mermaid"
• You have every flipper toy they pumped out after the movie(guilty:)
• All your plushies are dolphins or orcas.
• You routinely fantasize about training Shamu some new "Tricks"
• When you were watching Godzilla, you worried he might have hurt some dolphins along the way to New York.
• You cheered when Godzilla destroyed the Japanese fishing boat because it didn't use purse-seine nets.
• You routinely go out to try and find a pod of dolphins, despite the fact you're 100 miles inland.
• You can tell a dolphins mood by looking.
• You have the phone number for Seaworld's bosses, and routinely call about getting hired.
• When a trainer sticks his head inside an orcas mouth during the show, you have to stop yourself from fantasizing.
• You know when every dolphin and orca show at the local aquarium is to the minute, and haven't missed one yet.
• You can't go near the dolphin tanks anymore because the guards know you too well.
• You're disappointed when you find out being in animal control won't let you help "Rehabilitate" stranded dolphins.
• The back of your car is so covered with dolphin and Greenpeace stickers you can't see the brake lights anymore.
• Your clothing of choice is a wet-suit.
• You have a freezer in your trunk with frozen fish "just in case"
• You prefer a raw mackerel over filet mignon.
• You can hold your breath longer than the trainers.
• You looked into having your lower intestine strengthened so a dolphin could finally "Return the favor"
• You complain to wizards of the coast that "Magic: The Gathering" doesn't have more cetacean cards(Well, it Should!)
• You have a different dolphin shirt for every day of the month.
• You have hard copies of all the dolphin zoo stories in case Senator Exxon ever wins out.
• You routinely look for loop holes in your states laws concerning bestiality, just hoping..... (Found One!:)
• You routinely tell people why dolphins smile(don't know why? ask me:)
• You become upset when someone misrepresents dolphin genitalia.
• You routinely tell people why dolphins are better than humans, and offer proof!
• Your partner has pulled on you so many times she has stretched your penis an extra 3 inches long.
• You collect the comics from the newspaper that deal with dolphins.
• You're disappointed when you find out Riese Lassen's dolphin pictures aren't anatomically correct.
• You put out requests once a month on ASB and ATB hoping to get that dolphin bestiality video Actaeon has in his list.
• When the earth gets destroyed in the cartoon series Robotech you worry about what happened to the dolphins.
• You routinely call Paramount asking the people who make Star Trek what the hell happened to all the dolphins after the third world war.
• You bought dolphin bath oils, but won't use them because you'd lose one of them.
• You can tell whether or not a female is in estrous by drinking some of the water from the tank.
• Your sex cycle is in tandem with dolphins at the aquarium.
• You dislike hair, but you don't know why...
• You re-wrote the code in Duke Nukem 3D so the women are anthro dolphins.
• You had to move to another room because your old one was too full of Dolphin regalia.
• YOU get pink belly.
• You shaved your head and filed off your nails so you look more enticing to the female dolphins.
• You get horny watching a dolphin give birth cause you know what happens afterward.
• You've perfected the art of orally pleasuring a male dolphin without him orgasming in your mouth.
• You wonder why the trainer doesn't do anything in "Shamu Backstage" when he's on his belly.
• You let yourself get splashed in the dolphin show hoping one of the dolphins is in estrous so you can taste it.
• People don't consider it strange when you kiss one of the dolphins at the petting pool anymore.
• When a dolphin refuses to eat a fish you offered him, you swallow it yourself to show him it's okay(all right, it only happened once:)
• The dolphins at the petting pool offer you their tail when they offer everyone else their head.
• You are waiting at the gate when the park opens up so you're the first person the dolphins meet.
• You paid off one of the dolphin trainers for an all-access key.
• You have mastered the art of hiding in waist deep water.
• The dolphins have rake marks from YOU!
• Your favorite scent is the smell that comes out of a dolphins blowhole.
• The dolphins at the aquarium have been trained special commands that only you know...
• You know every aquarium in your state and visit each weekly.
• You wish you could have artificial gills implanted in your back like they did in "Seaquest:DSV"
• You were pissed off when Darwin got replaced by that robot.
• You routinely think about how Darwin satisfied his impulses in a ship full of humans.
• You arrange for a funeral plot when one of the dolphins at the aquarium dies.
• You look at an orca with his mouth wide open and wonder if becoming a veracophile isn't such a bad idea after all....
• You become upset when you find a space in your room that ISN'T covered by dolphin posters.
• You research Genetic engineering hoping that dolphins and humans have the same number of chromosomes required for procreation...
• Your idea of a romantic evening involves 20 pounds of mackerel and speedos.
• You wear speedos instead of underwear "just in case"
• You take a figure drawing class just so you can draw your own furry dolphin artwork.
• You hire someone to design a cloth that feels like dolphin skin.
• You forget what it feels like to kiss lips.
• You correct you biology teacher on dolphin anatomy.
• Everyone at your school knows you as "Dolphin Boy"
• When you think about "Dr. Dolphin" you hope they become sex therapists.
• You give up your navy commission because they stopped letting you come in after hours.
• You join the navy just so you can get in the dolphin program.
• The aquarium calls YOU for help.
• You routinely bring the dolphins gifts, and the aquarium doesn't mind.
• You became infuriated when you found out no one produces a dildo shaped like a dolphins penis.
• You have the signatures of everyone at Seaworld.
• A 10 inch long penis no longer impresses you.
• You carry a sprayer so your partner's skin doesn't dry out.
• You can out-jump Michael Jordan if you're in water.
• You swam doing the "Dolphin Kick" at age 6.
• You consider cooking food unnecessary.
• You get annoyed when there's ocean in a movie but no dolphins.
• USD asks you teach marine biology and you reply you're already "Busy" in that field:)
• Human skin feels like sandpaper to you.
• The neighborhood cats follow you around and it's not cause you're a cat zoo.
• You Decried Democracy when they replaced Senator Barbera Boxer (a thousand blessings on her soul)
• You sent the station a bomb threat when "Flipper" was canceled
• You badger the makers of "Star Wars" as to whether the Mon Calamari are fish or Cetaceans.
• You cheer when Homer gets his butt kicked by a dolphin in "The Simpsons"
• You enter chemical engineering to try and replicate dolphin pheromones as a perfume.
• You have a three hour cassette with nothing on it but the "Flipper" song.
• You cried for days when you saw the dolphin in "White Squall" get put out of her misery.
• You bathe in seawater
• If there isn't a dolphin character in your favorite RPG, you invent one.
• You write the church asking how the dolphins survived Noah's flood (confused? ask me about it!)
• You realize that if hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, Satan himself is scared of a pissed off female dolphin.
• The ER room at the local hospital just to deal with your "Type" of injuries:)
• You consider clothes a curse.
• You develop blubber.
• You can hear so high on the scale you overloaded the machine during your last checkup (Guilty:)
• You have voluntary control of erecting your penis.
• You tell people what "Dork" means whenever they use it incorrectly (Ask me what it means!:)
• You were upset when you bought the Dilbert book "Shave the Whales" and found out it wasn't zoo related.
• You boycott Japan due to their treatment of dolphins(AMEN!)
• You want them to come out with a "Free Willy 4" so you can get more snapshots of Keiko.
• In comparison to you, rabbits are prudes.
• You complain that the new "Dr. Doolittle" didn't include dolphins.
• A mother dolphin designates YOU as the "Nanny Dolphin"
• You have a "Flipper" emblem on the back of your car.
• Someone made your car into an aquarium as a prank, and you prefer it that way.
• Everything you own is water-proofed.
• Your doctor wonders how on earth you eat so much and stay thin when all you do is swim:)
• You MADE an inflatable love dolphin when you couldn't buy one.
• You saw Ek-Goya's "Tastes Like Fish" picture and AGREED!
• You saw "Day Of The Dolphin" on TV and were pissed when they cut out the part about Alpha's "Behavior":)
• You don't care about your breath anymore since dolphins can't smell
• You wonder what the whale did AFTER he swallowed Jonah.
• You believe Miami will get to the Superbowl someday.
• Your breakfast is dolphin milk and grapenuts.
• You get pissed when Willy jumps and you can't see his slit.
• You consider fire overrated.
• You shy away at the thought of external testicles.
• You become uncomfortable being looked at by two eyes at the same time.
• You work at Sugarloaf:)
• You know more about the dolphins at the local aquarium than the trainers do.
• You automatically designate half your paycheck for "Dolphin Stuff"
• You have more footage of dolphins in action than Actaeon has tapes!
• Every Dolphin at the local aquarium knows how to "Deep Kiss"
• You have taught the local dolphins how to "Hold Back" for 30 seconds:)
• The local dolphins have developed a name for you in their language.
• You look in the mirror and realize your belly button has become a "belly slit"
• You have permanent "pectoral fin" creases on your shoulders
• You ask Berkely systems to make a "You Don't Know Jack" animals and volunteer as the cetacean consultant
• You videotape every dolphin and orca show at the local aquarium "Just in case":)
• You buy the "Wacky Animals" video they infomercial for the "Unwanted Surprises" portion.
• You E-mail me weekly to see if my dolphin zoo page is up:)
• You record every episode of "Seaquest:DSV" and don't know what "DSV" means.
• You buy and use a dolphin hood ornament.
• The local "Natural Wonders" store limits you to two dolphin items a week.
• Bestiality.com hires you to find dolphin material for them
• When an airplane crashes, you only care whether or not it hit any dolphins on the way down.
• If you own something that doesn't have dolphins on it, you add them or replace it.
• The dolphins at the petting pool pull you in whenever they can:) "Honest, I don't know why!":):)
• You can scuba dive without a tank
• You're used to swimming with your mouth open.
• You can tell where everything is in a dark room..... With your eyes closed.
• You buy the movie "Cocoon" just for the line "Be careful, those dolphins look horny"
• You have an arrangement with the bookstore for them to send you a copy of any new releases that involve dolphins.
• You complain to Paramount that none of the aliens in "Star Trek" are cetaceans.
• The aquarium calls you because all the dolphins are saying "Oh, YES!" in English:) "Why should I know anything about that?!?!":)
• You develop a "Treat" for the trainers to give the dolphins instead of fish, and won't give them the ingredients.
• You made a yearly pilgrimage to see Keiko when he was in the U.S. (And are planning a trip to Iceland)
• You have a framed copy of Actaeon's cetacean limericks posted in your room.
• The local aquarium has a reward posted to catch the "man in Speedos" in the act.
• You're at a nude beach and you can't take your eyes off someone's dolphin towel.
• You make a dolphin version of Actaeon's "I love my dog" T-shirt. (For instructions, E-mail me!)
• The trainers at the aquarium think you give the dolphins drugged fish because they love when you come and get depressed when you leave.
• You have Chris Sawyer's pictures of me and Nakita framed.
• You have a different dildo for every dolphin species, including orcas (Partially guilty :).
• You pay for an anthro artist to go to San Diego so he can draw dolphin anthros.
• You can see underwater without a mask or goggles.
• You drink seawater without ill effect.
• You have neutral buoyancy.
• You make a suntan lotion for dolphins so your friends can sunbathe.
• You can swallow a raw minnow whole, and enjoy doing it.
• When dolphins see you on a ship, they follow it until you "swim" with them. :)
• If you see a dolphin item you don't own, you have to stop yourself from buying it.
• You call the "Free Willy" foundation every month for footage and data on Keiko's "Behavior." :)
• You own a wetsuit for each dolphin species, complete with coloration (including a "party" suit :).
• The aquarium calls you because the dolphins won't do tricks for fish anymore. (Honest, how should I know what they want?" :)
• You read this list all the way through without getting bored.

• You train your dog to act like a seeing eye dog and you pretend to be blind just so your partner can be with you in stores and restaurants.

• Friends whisper about the hoof prints on your lounge carpet.
• Contraception isn't really a problem.
• You and your partner don't talk much.
• You look through your photo album and realise you don't have /any/ pictures of humans.
• The mounting block is usually in the stable, not the yard.
• Your friends think you must be celibate.

• You spot a dog hair on someone's coat, and you can tell by the smell (or taste) of it whether it's from a male or female, and if female, whether or not she's in season.

• You know your neighbor's dog better than they do! :)
• You spend more time with him/her than they do.
• Your neighbor's dog spends more time in your yard than in his/her own.
• Your friend asks you to house sit and you say "no" because he/she doesn't have a dog/horse/etc.

• You wonder why the single woman living next door has five big dogs - all of them male.
• You tell people you like dolphins because they make love to anyone or anything, simply because it's fun
• You wonder exactly how dolphins use sharks as masturbatory aides.
• You describe dolphin sexuality to your friends in grinning detail, and when asked if you want to be a dolphin, you say yes.

• You think "dogma" is your pooch's mother.

• You keep an ample supply of horse treats and grooming aids in your truck/car, but you don't have a horse of your own.
• You move to Kentucky just to be closer to all those horse farms you read about as a child.
• When looking for property to purchase, the first thing you ask to see is the barn.
• You have so many horse pictures, drawings and statues around the house, it makes your human mate jealous.
• You have so many horse plushies in you car, you can't see your dashboard.
• You use the gunrack in your truck to hold halters and leadropes.
• You use a saddle pad or blanket in your car to hide the worn seat covers.
• You work so hard on the new tack room, you end up with Carpal Tunnel, but the job turned out so good, it doesn't even bother you! :-)

• You're disappointed when watching Dr. Doolittle because all he ever did was "talk" to animals.
• You spend more time at the public zoo than church.
• When you go to the zoo you inhale deeply in the elephant house when everyone else is holding their nose.
• All you ever want to do anymore is stay in and watch Animal Planet.
• You like the taste of Rawhide.
• You're interested in attending a stag party...but for a very different reason.
• You program your CD player to repeat Nine Inch Nails "closer" over and over again because it reminds you of your last date.
• You liked to lose at "horse" or "pig" just so you could be called that animal.
• When someone "gets your goat," you're more jealous than angry.

• When the local wildlife doesn't run away.

• When you call the tow truck company, they ask, "Same stables as last time?"

• You always have scrapes, scabs and scars on your hips, thighs and calves. (Claw marks)
• When you wear shorts to work, your co-workers ask about the scratches on your thighs, that always seem to be there and never heal. (Always happens to me in the summer. ;)
• When someone calls you a "Son of a Bitch" it's a compliment.
• Being a "looker" means checking out the guys (or girls) that are walking a dog, and of course, you are looking at the dog. (I'm guilty)
• You buy a year pass to the local Zoo, just so you can be sure you are there for every "season" for each animal. (guilty again. ;)
• The first thing you do when you see a dog, or horse, etc. etc., is look between the hind legs. It's it's male and has been fixed, you mourn.
• You keep a "Travel Size" bottle of lube in your vehicle, just in case. (I do, don't you?)

• You watch Xena's mare instead of Lucy Lawless.

• You might be a lazy zoo if... you tell your horse, "Giddyup! Whoa! Back up! Giddyup! Whoa! Back up! Giddyup! Whoa! Back up!"

• In "Wayne's World": When Garth asked Wayne if he thought Bugs Bunny looked attractive when he dressed up like a girl bunny, you said "Yes."
• In "Wayne's World": When Wayne was interviewing Vanderholf and wrote "He blows goats. I have proof." on the back of his note cards. You wanted to see the pics.
• In "The Holy Grail": You were rooting for the "death bunny" to kill more knights.
• In your house, you have more pictures of animals than family or friends. (guilty) :^)
• You keep issues of "Horse Illustrated" in your "secret drawer," if you know what I mean.
• You hand out cigars when you dog has puppies.
• You use "Milk Bones" as breath mints.
• You've developed the fine art of distracting your friends as you still rub your horse's vulva.