Date: Tue, 01 Sep 1998 22:51:41 -0700 From: longmane My Story of Misery / My Life's Philosophies Umm, well, actually just some shitty things that happened to me over the last few months that I'd like to share with you... It -could- be called a 'coming-out' story if you'd like that. (beware: nothing even slightly erotic here.. just some of my whining..) Let me start by telling you something myself. I am Longmane. I live in the Netherlands. I'm a twenty y/o male and have long dark brown hair, usually in a ponytail. I can not call myself a zoo. I like calling myself an omnisexual. I'm attracted to both women and animals, and, if given the right opportunity, perhaps I'd even learn to love men. I'm also 'into' anthropomorphs, like about half of all the people on the net. Anyway, my point is: I'm not OPPOSED to anything. Everything is always good, unless there's a very good reason why it wouldn't be. This may sound like an unnecessary statement, but it's not. Most people have their minds made up about things before they've even considered any part of it. Especially the issue of zoophilia is very delicate. That's why I HATE religions. Religions tell people what to do, what to think, depriving them of the use of their own mind. I hate nothing more then people with closed minds. I'm always open for other views, other opinions, other lifestyles. I don't laugh at people with 'weird' lifestyles, I don't call them names and I don't judge them. I admire them for their personality and their independence. And I don't hide my opinions. That's got me into trouble several times, so I'm afraid I'll have to tone down a little, just to get through college in peace. For almost a year now, I've been hanging around on the Net, meeting people and 'admitting' my sexuality. Also, with my 'real life' friends, whom I trust completely, I've been very open. Anyway, I felt like I was totally surrounded by friends, and that I could speak freely and without fear of hateful judgment. Then, a few months ago something happened that changed my view of the world. Sounds dramatic doesn't it? Well, to me it was. A month or so before the final high school exams I met a girl. She said she'd been dying to meet me. She'd seen me at a small local rock-concert and admitted she was directly attracted. So I went to her place that Saturday, and every day after that whenever I had the chance. (I had to study for the exams of course, but I did that as little as possible, which almost cost me my diploma...) Over the weeks to follow we fell in love. She told me she liked my independent way of thinking and listened to me. We listened to music together, we talked for hours about our family and troubles we had. We spent every minute together, and we made love together. I loved her more than anything in life. I would have killed for her if she asked me to. She told me I could fully trust her in everything and that she'd always love me. I believed her and trusted her. I told her more and more about myself. (By that time we had both got our high school diplomas) I also got to know and trust her family (I was there almost every day, for months...) and told them about my parents that were getting divorced and more things like that... you know, sensitive personal stuff that you wouldn't just tell anyone. I had also told her (not her family) about my feelings towards animals. She didn't seem at all bothered. Later that week she suggested to go on holidays together. You know, a week in a cheap hotel somewhere in the woods, in the hills. We'd see a lot of forest and a lot of each other. A few days later, on Saturday, I went to her place. I walked into the backyard and saw her family there. They were all smiling and laughing happily like the perfect family. She asked me to come up to her room and I did. She told me to sit down on the bed. She told me she was ending our relationship because we 'had different ways of thinking' about certain matters. It was as if a car had hit me. I couldn't breath for a few seconds. I broke down near-crying like a pathetic fool, and begged her to rethink. She wasn't even touched by the sight of my crying there, on my knees. As I left her room I noticed something. Her window was open. It never used to be open. And her family was sitting right beneath it, while they never sit in the garden. She had prepared a show for her family! But there was more entertainment planned for the evening. As I walked into the hallway, her father came towards me. He grabbed me by the throat. He literally said he'd beat me till I begged for mercy if I ever came near his daughter again. He kept screaming 'pervert, filthy pervert'. All the time that family that I had trusted completely was just standing there, around me, faintly smiling, enjoying the rage of the father. I was still too stunned by the whole affair to do anything at all. I just stood there, with dried tear stains on my cheeks. It must have been a sorry sight. I was literally chased from their street, his shouts and threats fading behind me. Weeks later, I heard that she had been spreading stories about me. She had told everything that I had told her in confidence to absolutely everyone who wanted to know, to the last detail. I had never felt such bitterness before. What did I do to deserve this treatment? I had never in my life done anything that could hurt her. She could have ended our relation discretely, and we could have parted as friends if she had wanted to. But she actually seemed to take pleasure out of humiliating me. I loved her more than life itself. How could I have been so mistaken in her personality? A few weeks ago I was out camping with two friends. One of them I'll call Jay. Jay has a girlfriend I'll call Cat. Jay is one of my oldest friends. We went through puberty together. Shared porn-mags, experiences etc. He was very sexually oriented, like me. Then he met Cat. She was raised a good catholic, and totally against any form of pornography/eroticism. She'd actually get angry with Jay if he'd laugh at a 'dirty' joke. Jay immediately got rid of all erotic material he owned. He feared (rightly) that she might walk away from him if she'd ever find his personal stuff. (Proof: When he recently told her that he'd had a subscription to Playboy Magazine three years ago, (even before he'd ever met her) she was so shocked she'd nearly ended their two-year relationship!) Although I saw the radical change in Jay over the past two years, I still trusted him with my secrets. I hated his girlfriend though. Well, that's not really true. She is nice in conversation, always smiling, but you have to be very careful what to say, because her mood can change very fast if the conversation touches a subject that might not be 'biblically correct'. I hated her for what I saw she was doing to Jay. How he was changing, to please her. Anyway, I called Cat's home some time ago, to find out if Jay was there. He wasn't, but I noticed something odd. She sounded angry, while usually she sounds very friendly on the phone. I paid no further attention to it, figuring she must have had a bad day or something. During the camp Jay told me he'd told Cat everything about me, including a lot of things he knew I didn't want her to know. I got very angry. If it was any other person he'd told it to, I wouldn't have, but Cat's a kind of person like an aunt or grandmother: You see her every once in a while, chat happily about nothing too deep, and then leave. It's no use telling people like Cat anything personal about me, because her mind is totally closed to anything her parents and the bible didn't teach her. I knew she'd tell her parents too, and every time I'd come around to their place they would be acting strange and uncomfortable. Sometimes it's just easier not to tell people too much about yourself. Just to keep the conversation light. Jay said he never kept any secrets from her. He told me that every time I talk to him, I'm also talking to Cat. I told him that if that was true, I wouldn't be telling him any more personal stuff in the future. So be it, he said. But I'm not the only one getting 'trouble' here, and this is why I wrote this part about Cat and Jay in the first place: Because Jay and I have always been so close, Cat assumes that Jay is also somehow interested in bestiality. In her way of thinking: How can somebody be a friend to a bestialist and not be one himself? So now Jay is trying to 'prove' to his girl that he is not interested in anything besides straight sex with her, and that he has never in his life had any unbiblical fantasies. I don't believe it! How can such a relationship continue to exist? After the anger at my friend had subsided, and I was alone, I started worrying. I ruined my own relationship and now almost that of one of my friends with that stupid 'sexual freedom and tolerance' shit I'm always preaching. When we were going home again a few days later I had a long talk with the other guy that was with me on the camping trip. I'll call him Jeff. I told him about my situation and how I felt. He told me he didn't approve of all the things I do, but if I really believed in what I stood for, I should never be sorry or ashamed of anything I do. I know he's right, but admitting sexual 'deviation' in public can get you into all kinds of trouble. I'm not talking legal affairs here, but social ones. Many people will express hate to others, just to show to the public that they don't share the same preferences. (like calling a gay man a 'faggot' to underline that you're not gay yourself) For many people it still seems to be very difficult to accept people for who and what they are. They don't understand that it's possible to have gay friends and not be gay yourself, and that you don't have to be 100% straight to love your girlfriend. Some advice to people like me: Stand your ground when you have to, stay with your beliefs, but watch out 'cause bad news and gossip travels very fast. Be selective with the people you share your secrets with. Some people may not be so tolerant and broad-minded (and trustworthy) as they say they are. I used to say: "The truth will set you free" but lately I'm not too sure. I'm afraid that sometimes the truth is best kept to oneself. If you have any questions, remarks, suggestions or experiences you'd like to share with me, please mail me: my_animals@hotmail.com Greets, -LongMane