# Actaeon's Zoo Songs and Song Parodies

Or, just call me "Weird Al" Yankavicuña. :)

> BTW, I've written enough of these silly things that, if you're a zoo who sings, plays an instrument, or is otherwise connected to the recording industry, I'd like to talk to you about collaborating on a CD of this nonsense. Potential band or album names include:

> - "The Flaming Zoos" (a reference to the fact that we're made of asbestos as far as fundies are concerned, and we also tend to generate our own internal flame wars)
> - "The Moody Zoos" (many of us battle depression or suicidal tendencies before we accept ourselves as zoo, and the entire album could be seen as a catharsis for our closeted life)
> - "Dire Zoos" (a pun on "Dire Straits" ("straights"), although I don't consider our situation to be "dire." :)
> - "All-fur-native" (well, except for the dolphin fans :)
> - "Lollapazoola" or "Llamapazoola"
> - "The Four-Legged Closet"
> - "Out of the Kennel" or "Out of the Stable"
> - "Dog and Pony Show"
> - "Sergeant Shepherd's Kennel Club Band" or "Sergeant Shepherd's Lhasa Apso Band"

Anyway, on with the music:

Bonobo
  Jungle love was never like this, and there's a lesson for us. Sung to the tune of The Beach Boys' "Kokomo."
King of Danes
  For the Great Dane lover in (or under) all of us. Sung to the tune of "King of Pain" by The Police.
The 69 Sweet Bitch Song (Beastie Movies)
  A lament for the sad quality of zoo porn. Based loosely on Simon & Garfunkel's "The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)."
It Still Feels Like Love to Me
  What's the matter with the horse I'm seeing? Find out. Sung to the tune of Billy Joel's "It Still Feels Like Rock and Roll to Me."
Watching the Whales
  Sometimes we learn deeper truths from animals than we do from humans. Sung to the tune of John Lennon's "Watching the Wheels."
Growing Up a Zoophile
  An account of one man's youth and his ability to adjust when his parents can't. Sung to the tune of Supertramp's "Breakfast in America."
Let Her Pee
  For the equine watersports enthusiast in (and on, and over, and under) all of us. Sung to the tune of The Beatles' "Let Her Pee."
I Love a Kiger
  The advantages of a truly wild horse; written in about an hour, and sung to the tune of Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger."
Steed
  A sultry ode, sung by an estrous mare to her favorite stallion; sung to the tune of Peter Gabriel's "Steam."
This Species of Love
  An original song, from my musical-in-progress, "The Phantom of the Zoo." Let's hope it never becomes auto-biographical.
Lipizzaner Breath
  A lesson on when to swallow, and when to spit; sung to the tune of Jethro Tull's "Locomotive Breath."
Closer (to dogs)
  A song of gratitude to a zookeeper with a generous heart; sung to the tune of Nine Inch Nails' "Closer."
Eleanor Ridgeback
  A warning to heed the lessons of history; sung to the tune of The Beatles' "Eleanor Rigby."
I Heard the News Today
  A true story, written the day I learned some sad news; sung to the tune of The Beatles' "A Day in the Life."
Smells Like Steed Semen
  A rock song for the horsey set; sung to the tune of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
Saddlebred Mare
  Another sad story, about a man whose equine lover is taken from him; sung to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's "Scarborough Fair."
I'm a Five-Legged Horse
  An original poem; could be a song lyric. Best when sung with a country twang.
The Twelve Lays of Christmas
  Pretty self-explanatory; sung to the tune of the classic Christmas carol
The Boxer
  A sad story, about a girl whose love for her dog goes tragically wrong; based on Simon and Garfunkel's "The Boxer."
Mona Leo
  Something to make a lion feel better about himself; based on Cole Porter's "Mona Lisa."
On Golden Bondage
  On the beach with my unusually playful retriever; based on "Under the Boardwalk."
The Sense of Zooness
  An ode to the joys of being zoo; sung to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence."
Can Zoo
  A helpful salesman offers a variety of animals; based on Frank Loesser's "Can Do."
How Big is that Doggie in the Window?
  A shopping list for the zoo at heart; based on "How Much is that Doggie in the Window?"

### Zoo Songs and Song Parodies by Others

Twice Damned
  An original song by the Blues Hound.
What am I?
  Written by "Elwood Wolftaur" and based on "Who am I?" from "Les Miserables"
Hay Zoo
  Written by "Zoobaru" and based on Pink Floyd's "Hey You"
Feeling Zooey
  Written by "k9sam" and based on Simon & Garfunkel's "Feeling Groovy"
"Grandma Got Knocked Up By a Reindeer" (by an unknown group) and
"Moo Moo, I Love You" by Larry and the Leisure Suits.
  "T" alerted me to these two songs whose lyrics I couldn't find on the 'net: can you help?
The Hedgehog Song, v. 1.7
  Written by Terry Pratchett of "Discworld" fame, and expanded by fans with not much more of a social life than myself
Still Husky After All These Years
  Written by "Dimitri" and based on Paul Simon's "Still Crazy After All These Years"
Brown Schnauzer
  A lady switches from a two-legged to a four-legged lover; written by "Ed" and based on the Rolling Stones' "Brown Sugar"
The Moose Song
  Submitted by "Mad Jack." Other versions are here, here, here, here, here, and a version of Moosesleeves is here.
Let's Talk Dirty to the Animals
  A comedy routine by Gilda Radner (?)

Index -- Updated Saturday, December 16, 2000 -- E-mail Actaeon