## You Might Be a Zoo If...

various authors

Note: On October 26, 1997, this list grew to over 300 entries. By 7/25/98 it had passed 500, on 5/23/99 it reached 800, and on 3/18/00 it topped 1000.

From Actaeon:

- You see a beautiful blond(e) walking a golden retriever, and you can't take your eyes off the dog.
- You see a bathroom door labeled "Unisex," and your first thought is of unicorns.
- Someone jingles some keys, and you look around for the dog.
- The horse you're riding stops to take a leak, and you try to inhale deeply without anyone noticing.
- You wish animal/wildlife magazines and calendars had a centerfold.
- Someone calls you a son-of-a-bitch, and you wish it were true.
- Your middle fingernail is trimmed short, but you're neither married nor dating.
- When your chair squeaks, your first thought is to use J-Lube on it.
- You watch "The Sound of Music" simply for the line "Doe, a deer, a female deer."
- When a St. Bernard finds you buried in the Alps, his keg of brandy is not your first choice of beverage.
- When you learn some cultures used to torture people by letting horses rape them, you get nostalgic for the good ol' days.
- You get aroused watching nature documentaries.
- You're annoyed when a supposedly male animal character in a movie or on TV is played by a female, or vice versa.
- You hear someone called a draft dodger, and you picture someone evading a horny Clydesdale.
- Your lover makes you sleep in the furry spot.
- You're disappointed that the animals depicted on a state seal or national crest are genderless.
- You aren't bothered by a dog sniffing your crotch.
- Your horse's stall floor is covered in bucket-sized circles.
- You hear the phrase "unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes" and wonder what all the fuss is about.
- You have to stop yourself from calling an animal "sexy" in public.
- You have books on animal husbandry or breeding, but you don't have any animals.
- Learning a neighborhood dog has been neutered sends you into a mild depression.
- Your visits to the zoo always coincide with the animals' heat periods.
- Someone tells you to "put out the dog," and you think he said "put out _for_ the dog."
- You have a special set of clothes you wear when your spend time with the dog/horse/whatever, and you deliberately don't wash them.
- You see a bra in a store, and wish they had one with four or six or eight cups.
- You suck donkeys...and swallow.
- You don't have cable TV, but you have your cable-equipped friends tape all the nature specials.
- When making love to your human partner, you close your eyes so you can envision him or her as an animal.
- You pet the neighbors' dogs more than they do.
- When you meet the neighbors, you ask how their animals are doing before you ask about their owners.
- When watching a disaster movie, even though you know it's just special effects, you worry more about whether the animals live through the film than if the humans do.
- When you visit a stable or a horse show, you repeatedly walk up and down the aisles between the stalls, hoping to see genitals.
- You enjoy putting your plushies into compromising positions with each other. :)
- The hair around your dog's vulva is either neatly trimmed out of the way, or it has an orange tint.
- You use an issue of DogFancy or Horse Illustrated as a masturbatory aid.
- You look forward to giving the dog (horse, whatever) a bath.
- Someone calls you a "stud," and you reply, "I wish."
- You stare at a police car, but only because it's the K-9 unit.
- When a person walking a dog passes you on a sidewalk, you turn to see if the dog is male or female, and if it's neutered.
- You don't mind being knocked down by a dog. Or knocked up, for that matter.
- You keep smelling your hand after petting an animal, and have learned to do it casually, so it isn't so obvious.
- You can forgive animals for almost any wrongdoing (peeing on the carpet, biting the hand that feeds them, getting pawprints all over your clean clothes, etc.).
- A vicious guard dog is barking its head off at you, and instead of watching its jaws, you check to see if it's intact or getting an erection.
- Your idea of safe sex involves a riding helmet, steel-toed boots, and/or a fence tester.
- You can bribe your date into having sex by giving it a Milk-Bone.
- You make love for 20 minutes because _you have no choice_.
- You go to a late-night drive-in movie, with only a dog for company.
- You can't wear light-colored pants to a dog or horse show.
- The reservoir tip on your lover's condom will hold 90cc.
- You have to adjust the crotch on your pants after driving by a pasture full of horses.
- The smell of animal manure doesn't bother you, mainly because it means there's an animal somewhere nearby.
- You scratch your feet on the ground after you go to the bathroom.
- You're annoyed by the inaccurate anatomical descriptions in bestiality porn stories, or you can't read such materials without laughing and mentally critiquing them as you go.
- You're the only one at the stable/kennel who doesn't mind cleaning the stalls/cages.
- You say (or think) the same things about dogs and horses that construction workers say about women who are passing by.
- You discover that a dog has taken a leak on your car tire, and you not only don't mind, you're sorry you missed it.
- The crime you fantasize about the most is to steal the county Animal Control van and take it to a secluded spot for a few hours. Or days.
- The phrase "putting on the dog" has a different meaning for you.
- The auto repair shop says your transmission has blown a seal, and you get jealous.
- You have an extensive collection of animal mating pictures torn or copied from magazines or books.
- You see house painters using strap-on stilts, and you think, "hey...."
- Your dog/horse doesn't even flinch when the vet takes its temperature, but _you_ shift a little in your seat while watching it.
- When you go to a mall, you try to park your car next to someone with a dog.
- You just _have_ to pet other people's dogs: you can't walk by one without trying to give it a scritch.
- You buy books on sheep dogs because they often show sheep close up and from the rear.
- You don't like cigars until you smell one that smells just like a horse stall (Villar y Villar Luguitos/Laguitos [?]).
- You hear a dog barking in a parked car, but you can't see which car it's in, and you worry whether it's okay.
- Every horse pasture you drive by seems to have one fenceboard placed at _exactly_ the wrong height.
- When traveling, you deliberately choose a route that takes you past the most horses/dogs/whatever.
- You have a pair of night-vision goggles in a glass box, labeled "In Case of Emergency, Break Glass."
- The sound of a person snoring keeps you awake, but the sound of a dog snoring helps you sleep.
- An animal bite or scratch is like a love mark to you.
- The police and townspeople are certain you've been casing the neighborhood, and you briefly consider saying it's true, rather than admit you're just looking for dogs.
- When you need to use clip art of an animal in some sort of design project, you modify the clip art so the animal is anatomically accurate. (Guilty on at least four counts so far. :)
- You wish pet stores had a fitting room.
- You don't have a screen saver or a wallpaper pattern for your computer...until you get a dog, horse, or other four-legged lover, and all of a sudden your screen background is plastered with pictures of him or her.
- You stop your car at an intersection when you don't really need to, because you want a pedestrian to walk a dog in front of you.
- You'd rather spend the night with the Chihuahua in the Taco Bell commercials than with the women he's trying to seduce.
- You sing along to love songs on the radio, but you substitute the names of your animals for the people's names.
- You equate taking off a horse's halter or a dog's collar with undressing it.
- You buy sex lube at the feed store, in gallon containers.
- You thought the Eddie Murphy version of "Doctor Dolittle" could have used even _more_ animal potty humor.
- You lament the popularity of overly-tall horse trailer doors.
- When a siren goes off, making all the dogs in town howl, you think, "hey, that'll make 'em easy to find."
- You carry a supply of ID tags with your name and phone number printed on them, so you can attach them to the collars of stray dogs you may find, so people who "find" the dogs will "return" them to you.
- Just hearing the word "stallion" sends a shiver up your spine.
- Your marital aids include night-vision goggles.
- During the "Stallions In-Hand" class at a horse show, you wish you had a stallion in your hand.
- The smell of a wet dog doesn't bother you.
- You're the only one _not_ trying to pass a slow-poke horse trailer; in fact, you're tailgating.
- You're intensely aroused by the way a room smells after dogs have had sex there.
- You eagerly download a picture called "Tiger barbs" from the alt.binaries.pictures.animals newsgroup, and are disappointed when it turns out to be aquarium fish. (guilty!)

From Bahh:

- You'd like to give Yogi *more* than a picnic basket.
- Your idea of a night out on the town involves the countryside.
- Your idea of a strip club is a dog show.
- You've been kicked out dog shows. ;)
- You've trained yourself to "Roll over, stay!"
- Your girlfriends measurement are in "hands."
- A dog barking arouses you.
- Every mare in the stable knows you...intimately.
- Spam/ham/lamb/beef makes you cry.
- You have a personal vendetta against glue companies.
- Your dog comes running when it hears the sound of a zipper.
- Your idea of an orgy involves multiple horses.
- You envy your vet.
- The S.P.C.A. blames you whenever an animal goes missing.
- You've ever tried to sneak into the S.P.C.A. (and if you've ever succeded)
- Your (human) girlfriend gets mad at you for calling her 'Muffy.'
- You have a large collection of Disney movies, but no kids.
- You subscribe to Dog Lovers magazine, and are disappointed.
- When you moan, she whinnies/barks/bleats/baaa's.
- Multiple orgasms are nothing new to you.
- A woman wearing fur gives you an instant hard-on.
- You know the web-address to Valadan's Stable by heart.
- You know EXACTLY when your dog/horse/anything is in heat.
- Foreplay involves carrots/apples/milkbones.
- Your dream job would be breeding horses. ;)

From BarnSide:

- Your mares fight over you for attention.
- You walk by the llama pen and all the does sit.
- Your mare thinks her name is "Oh God! don't step forward now!"
- You don't have to tell your dog to lay down and roll over.
- You have to comb your hair to remove your mare's tail hair from it.
- You when you can find yer way around the barn blindfolded.
- You know every weak link in the fences in the neighborhood.
- You find yourself wishing you were an animal.
- You like *showering* with your mare, cow, other ;-)
- You have more fun with your Camel then just smoking it.
- The term "Bringing home the bacon" has a different meaning.
- You find yerself looking for animal hair caught in yer zipper.
- You watch PBS's Nature instead of Baywatch.
- You check the bottoms of buckets for footprints. (I guess this is to check to see if some else has beaten you to that bucket. ;)
- You find four-foot tail hairs in yer dryer lint.
- You possess the personal phone number of the director of your local zoological park.
- You hang out for hours at Sleepy's Forest and the Plane of Animals.
- Lassie comes home (use your imagination)
- You possess a copy of "Closer to Hogs" by Nine Inch Richard.
- Your favorite song is "The Chestnut Mare" by The Byrds.
- You are turned off by human porn movies.
- "Docking" means more to you than tying a boat to the pier.
- Mountain Time (mountin' time) mean it's time for love.
- You sit up and wait for the Cows to come home.
- You start buying button-fly jeans. (I guess this is because sheep panic when they hear a zipper drop.)

From Baybeau:

- You're walking next to your sweaty horse up a hill and have to lean on him for support the whole way.
- You always check the spelling when you see the words "Bridal Shop," and wish it was something else.
- You're the only one sitting on the floor with the dogs whenever you visit.
- You're the only one you know that keeps dog biscuits in the car for snacks.

From Bird Lover:

You might be an Ornithophile (or Aviphile) if:

- You let your birds have the run of the house, and your friends can't figure out why there's never any droppings on the floor.
- You have a 10 inch penis and CRY about it (most birds don't have any penis).
- You tried to lay an egg but couldn't get it in first. (Guilty)
- Watching people kiss is like a watching a porno movie.
- You stand behind one of those dunking birds (you know, on the glass of water) for hours.
- You know what it means when the parrot at the store bobs his head at you, and you bob back.
- The parrot doesn't bob for other people.
- They bite the handlers but not you.
- You go into the book store and spend hours looking at the bird books trying to find mating pics.
- You get mad at the porn sites for using "bird" and "cloaca" when they DON'T HAVE EITHER, and screw up your web search!
- You watched Jurassic Park and called the T-Rex daddy.
- You think Raptors are sexy too.
- You get mad when cartoonists draw birds with "cleavage".
- You answer people with a straight face when they joke about what's exactly in a chicken breast.
- You constantly correct people about whether birds have nipples or not.
- You keep up on genital modification surgery *hoping*.
- You book a flight for Sweden just in case...
- Somebody calls you chicken s**t, and wonder if you've just been "outed".
- You hang your bird feeder *above* eye level (Guilty).
- You get teary eyed when the male Cardinals feed their mates tenderly.
- You make faces in the mirror trying to make your lips look like a cloaca.
- You can hunt deer ok, but the thought of duck hunting makes you cry.
- Polly always wants more than a cracker.
- You research various magical practices trying to shapeshift into a hawk.
- You ask the scalp specialists about feather implants, and they laugh at you.
- You have tried to fly without airplanes.
- You have a flock, and aren't a shepherd.
- You squawk when you hear something exciting.
- You find yourself chirping along to the nature CD's.
- You refer to your house as your "nest".
- You can't go past the dairy section in the super market without wanting to incubate the eggs.
- You try not to drool when somebody uses the term "loose as a goose"
- You see "non-dairy creamer" advertised and read the ingredients *hoping*.
- You firmly believe that milk is only for young cows.
- All the pigeons leave the old lady at the park and fly over to your bench, even though she has food and you don't.
- You tell your coworkers you don't find women attractive, and they can't understand why you keep insisting you aren't gay. (happened to me!)
- You go to Rocky Horror only for the part where Frank touches the stuffed bird's tail.
- When somebody talks about mounting a bird in the trophy room you had other things in mind.
- When you want corn for dinner you go outside and scratch the ground.
- You ever watched the Dinosaucers cartoon just to stare at Teryx.
- You line your walls with chicken wire and/or your floor with newspaper.
- You subscribe to Birdtalk "just for the articles" (yeah, right).
- Your mom searched your room for Playboys, and can't understand why you keep the bird magazines under your mattress instead. (No, didn't happen to me, lol)
- You get mad at furry artists that show bird forms with external testis and a glans penis.
- You like to envision angels as complete birds instead of winged humans.
- You join the NRA just to meet Eddie Eagle, and then ask him to go into the back room...Then get disappointed when you find out it's just a guy in a costume.
- You understand why Donald Duck never wore pants.
- You wish Daffy Duck was the star of Warner Brothers.
- You go to Star Trek conventions looking for the Birds-of-Prey.
- You get disappointed when you only find Klingons.
- You wonder why there aren't any avian species on Star Trek (there was ONE in the animated series).
- You led the choir because you are polytonic.
- You think polyphony is calling your wife.
- You think polygamy is parrot foreplay.
- You think polyandry is when her vent isn't wet.
- You think Wing Commander has to do with flock dominance.
- You keep wanting to build a flapping-winged plane.
- Feather dusters turn you on.
- You keep trying to go south for the winter.
- You buy Video Catnip, but don't own a cat.
- You own a cat, but he's in the cage and the bird is out.
- You serve ham at Thanksgiving, and spare the turkey. (for better things)
- When somebody says they want to "talk turkey" you unbutton.
- You go to Bush Gardens and spend all day in the aviary instead of taking the rides.
- You go to Bush Gardens and see the Phoenix as a shrine of worship.
- You write nasty lettes to the Nintendo factory for making Duck Hunt.
- You spend the day on a boat at the beach just to watch the pelicans tip their tails up as they dunk for fish.
- You buy a down mattress and sleep *in* it.
- You put it in your will to have your body burned on a nest of frankincense and cinnamon.
- When somebody says "look at the tits on that one!" You instantly look at the trees for titmouse instead.
- You go fishing with a set of binoculars.
- When somebody says "kiss me" you attempt to mount them.
- You listen to "Kiss me deadly" over and over again just to get horny.
- You think the Cloaca Maxima is a holy place.
- You sleep by standing on one leg and turning your head backward.
- Your bird masturbates on your finger, and you encourage it.
- You then spend hours licking that finger.
- You navigate by magnetic fields.
- You play the recording of America's Funniest Videos where the girl got sliced on by the hawk over and over again, and drool all over the screen.
- Someone says "rubber chicken" and you rub her chicken.
- Someone says "wow that's a hot one" and you reach for your rectal thermometer *hoping*.
- You park under lamp posts on purpose.
- You have trouble explaining why the police always haul you out from under the overpasses.
- Your feathered friends are more than "just" friends.
- You'r friends say "gimme kiss" to your parrot and wonder why it fans it's tail in their face.
- You look at the sex toy sites and get depressed when they don't have a "Better than Real Cloaca".
- A "rave review" is a Raven centerfold.
- You eat crow and like it! 8)
- When someone says "kiss my ass" it's a come on.
- You have more down than lint in your drier filter.
- You line your underwear with down. (considering!!!)
- When somebody says you've got your head up your ass you think "If I only could".
- A bird in the hand IS in the bush - with you.
- Someone says "suck my cock" and you head for the chicken coup.
- You watch F-16's take off from behind, and get horny.
- When someone threatens to kick your ass you turn them in for sexual assault.
- You stuff the turkey and the turkey likes it.
- You're family history includes dinosaurs.
- The fox in the henhouse is the feathered one.
- You wonder if Audubon did his birds.
- When they said "The Eagle has Landed" you grinned.
- You try to build a house using tweezers and straw.
- You can teach Ornithology and haven't been to college.
- The white powder in the sugar jar isn't sugar.
- You see the dove in Willow unload on the Village Elder's mouth and lick your lips.
- The frosting on your birthday cake isn't icing...
- And when they offer you a slice you grin. 8)
- You have fantasies of getting raped by an eagle.
- You have fantasies of being abducted by alien birds to be used as a pleasure slave.
- You turn your keylock so that the door only opens when the slit is horizontal. (Guilty)
- You get a rush when you DO unlock the door.
- You try to tongue balloons when you blow them up.
- You get beat up by bikers because you stare at their shirts too long.
- You keep a cuttlebone pinned to your WALL.
- You eat millet instead of icecream.
- You feed your kids by regurgitating instead of giving them formula.
- You crack walnuts with your mouth, and can remove the innerds with only the use of your tongue.
- Birdbrain is a compliment.
- You went to the movie "The Crow" just for the bird.
- You go to Cardinals games, and don't like baseball.
- The thunderbird is your dream girlfriend. (Sparks would fly!!!)
- You LIKE getting stuck between a Roc and a hardplace.
- You find the Firekkan race hot and sexy, and wonder if Hunter ever did K'Kai, and wished they wrote a scene for it! (Wing Commander fans all grin)
- You wonder why people have their kisser where their pecker should be, and their pecker where their kisser should be.
- You would rather be a bird than a human.
- You are a friend of Resident Hyaena. ;)

From Breath:

- You buy the Bock beer that has the best looking goat on the label.
- Someone calls you a horse's ass, and you have to struggle to keep a straight face.
- The smell of fresh manure makes your nostrils flare, and you think of love.
- You can compare the good points of blow jobs from several species.
- You have big bite marks that last for a week, and you don't mind.
- You bark
- A dog smiles at you, and you grin back
- You've learned how to let a dog take a long whiff of your crotch as you chat with the owner like nothing is happening
- They send the hounds after you, and it takes them an hour to get back
- You always thought that slogan said "paws that refreshes"
- You have your decoys, your hunting blind, your flask, your faithful retriever, and you get angry at the damn waterfowl for showing up
- You pick fights with your spouse, hoping to be sent to the doghouse
- The neighborhood dogs grin when they chase your car, and they catch it
- Your spooge never reaches the ground
- As a child, you got excited at the old Coppertone logo (in which a dog is pulling down a swimsuit)
- Your friend returns articles of your clothing, which he obtained from his dog
- To you, "unnatural" describes cosmetics
- You've been kicked out of a petting zoo
- The baby pictures in your workplace are all of foals
- You act innocent when the horse you're rubbing drops in public, and you don't stop
- The local mares greet you by backing up to you
- You go to work in the morning with fingers that smell like...love
- You keep finding barbed-wire nicks on the insides of your thighs
- Your penis has black-and-blue marks
- All of your pants have small rips in the crotch
- You always have a pair of steeltoe boots in your wardrobe, and a pair never lasts long
- You watch dull cowboy movies just for the horseflesh
- Your idea of "swinging" involves gates
- Your idea of "slapping bellies" involves only one belly
- You've hidden between a mare and her foal to evade a police helicopter searchlight (true story)
- Your parents ask when you'll give them grandchildren, and you want to say "when they perfect interspecies testicular transplants"
- You make dinner reservations in the name of a Mr. Crump
- Your car's steering wheel has smegma
- For you, "unbridled passion" is exactly that
- You floss with tail hairs
- You check equestrian statues for anatomical correctness
- You're discovered talking like Mr. Ed in your sleep
- You know how to make a mare flehmen
- Your pillowcases have horse hair on them
- Your romantic evening dinner starts with grain
- You begin to rationalize that farts don't really smell all that bad
- You have ever, even once, put a bare foot in a warm pile and wiggled your toes
- In bed, you answer to "Trigger" without thinking twice
- You get stuck in traffic behind a Ford Bronco II, and you just gaze at the horse on the spare wheel cover
- You know what's missing in the Ferrari logo
- You're putting on your special dark clothes at 1:00 am

From Calafin:

You know you're a dolphin zoo when...

- Your skin doesn't wrinkle from being in the water anymore.
- The dolphins at Rocky Point don't come to you for fish anymore...
- When you go to the beach, people ask about your rake marks.
- You went to an emergency room for tooth holes in your penis.
- You have every book David Brin wrote memorized.
- Every night you make a sacrifice to Jacques Cousteau.
- You don't recognize nipples as being on peoples chests anymore.
- The trainers at the local aquarium know you on a first name basis.
- You record every episode of Flipper because.. Well, just Because!
- You recognize every dolphin at the aquarium by the size of their....Flippers!
- You routinely post to Alt.Animals.Dolphins asking for mating information and pictures for a school report.
- A dolphin squeaks to you, and you squeak back!
- You have more recordings of dolphins than John Lilly.
- You buy the Godzilla soundtrack to listen to the line "Swim like a dolphin" in the song "Heroes"
- You have spliced all the good parts of the "Free Willy" trilogy so you won't have to watch the humans.
- You proclaim a death mark on the actor who plays the guy who shot Flipper's girlfriend.
- You are working on a dolphin-human translation device so she can say "I do"
- You always carry a video camera at the aquarium in case the dolphins feel "Frisky"
- You have trained one of the dolphins at the local aquarium to erect on demand.
- You faked scientific papers so you could see Shamu erect. (partially guilty:)
- You can recite every dolphin species and sub-species on demand.
- You keep a dolphin beany baby in a vacuum chamber to preserve it.
- You try to convince a bestial web-site to produce a dolphin video using a script you wrote.
- You tried to sue geocities when they took out Ecco's web-site.
- You cut out all the penis's on the "Penis's of the animal world" poster except for the dolphin and whale.
- You routinely badger Disney for not giving the dolphins a bigger part in "The Little Mermaid"
- You have every flipper toy they pumped out after the movie(guilty:)
- All your plushies are dolphins or orcas.
- You routinely fantasize about training Shamu some new "Tricks"
- When you were watching Godzilla, you worried he might have hurt some dolphins along the way to New York.
- You cheered when Godzilla destroyed the Japanese fishing boat because it didn't use purse-seine nets.
- You routinely go out to try and find a pod of dolphins, despite the fact you're 100 miles inland.
- You can tell a dolphins mood by looking.
- You have the phone number for Seaworld's bosses, and routinely call about getting hired.
- When a trainer sticks his head inside an orcas mouth during the show, you have to stop yourself from fantasizing.
- You know when every dolphin and orca show at the local aquarium is to the minute, and haven't missed one yet.
- You can't go near the dolphin tanks anymore because the guards know you too well.
- You're disappointed when you find out being in animal control won't let you help "Rehabilitate" stranded dolphins.
- The back of your car is so covered with dolphin and Greenpeace stickers you can't see the brake lights anymore.
- Your clothing of choice is a wet-suit.
- You have a freezer in your trunk with frozen fish "just in case"
- You prefer a raw mackerel over filet mignon.
- You can hold your breath longer than the trainers.
- You looked into having your lower intestine strengthened so a dolphin could finally "Return the favor"
- You complain to wizards of the coast that "Magic: The Gathering" doesn't have more cetacean cards(Well, it Should!)
- You have a different dolphin shirt for every day of the month.
- You have hard copies of all the dolphin zoo stories in case Senator Exxon ever wins out.
- You routinely look for loop holes in your states laws concerning bestiality, just hoping..... (Found One!:)
- You routinely tell people why dolphins smile(don't know why? ask me:)
- You become upset when someone misrepresents dolphin genitalia.
- You routinely tell people why dolphins are better than humans, and offer proof!
- Your partner has pulled on you so many times she has stretched your penis an extra 3 inches long.
- You collect the comics from the newspaper that deal with dolphins.
- You're disappointed when you find out Riese Lassen's dolphin pictures aren't anatomically correct.
- You put out requests once a month on ASB and ATB hoping to get that dolphin bestiality video Actaeon has in his list.
- When the earth gets destroyed in the cartoon series Robotech you worry about what happened to the dolphins.
- You routinely call Paramount asking the people who make Star Trek what the hell happened to all the dolphins after the third world war.
- You bought dolphin bath oils, but won't use them because you'd lose one of them.
- You can tell whether or not a female is in estrous by drinking some of the water from the tank.
- Your sex cycle is in tandem with dolphins at the aquarium.
- You dislike hair, but you don't know why...
- You re-wrote the code in Duke Nukem 3D so the women are anthro dolphins.
- You had to move to another room because your old one was too full of Dolphin regalia.
- YOU get pink belly.
- You shaved your head and filed off your nails so you look more enticing to the female dolphins.
- You get horny watching a dolphin give birth cause you know what happens afterward.
- You've perfected the art of orally pleasuring a male dolphin without him orgasming in your mouth.
- You wonder why the trainer doesn't do anything in "Shamu Backstage" when he's on his belly.
- You let yourself get splashed in the dolphin show hoping one of the dolphins is in estrous so you can taste it.
- People don't consider it strange when you kiss one of the dolphins at the petting pool anymore.
- When a dolphin refuses to eat a fish you offered him, you swallow it yourself to show him it's okay(all right, it only happened once:)
- The dolphins at the petting pool offer you their tail when they offer everyone else their head.
- You are waiting at the gate when the park opens up so you're the first person the dolphins meet.
- You paid off one of the dolphin trainers for an all-access key.
- You have mastered the art of hiding in waist deep water.
- The dolphins have rake marks from YOU!
- Your favorite scent is the smell that comes out of a dolphins blowhole.
- The dolphins at the aquarium have been trained special commands that only you know...
- You know every aquarium in your state and visit each weekly.
- You wish you could have artificial gills implanted in your back like they did in "Seaquest:DSV"
- You were pissed off when Darwin got replaced by that robot.
- You routinely think about how Darwin satisfied his impulses in a ship full of humans.
- You arrange for a funeral plot when one of the dolphins at the aquarium dies.
- You look at an orca with his mouth wide open and wonder if becoming a veracophile isn't such a bad idea after all....
- You become upset when you find a space in your room that ISN'T covered by dolphin posters.
- You research Genetic engineering hoping that dolphins and humans have the same number of chromosomes required for procreation...
- Your idea of a romantic evening involves 20 pounds of mackerel and speedos.
- You wear speedos instead of underwear "just in case"
- You take a figure drawing class just so you can draw your own furry dolphin artwork.
- You hire someone to design a cloth that feels like dolphin skin.
- You forget what it feels like to kiss lips.
- You correct you biology teacher on dolphin anatomy.
- Everyone at your school knows you as "Dolphin Boy"
- When you think about "Dr. Dolphin" you hope they become sex therapists.
- You give up your navy commission because they stopped letting you come in after hours.
- You join the navy just so you can get in the dolphin program.
- The aquarium calls YOU for help.
- You routinely bring the dolphins gifts, and the aquarium doesn't mind.
- You became infuriated when you found out no one produces a dildo shaped like a dolphins penis.
- You have the signatures of everyone at Seaworld.
- A 10 inch long penis no longer impresses you.
- You carry a sprayer so your partner's skin doesn't dry out.
- You can out-jump Michael Jordan if you're in water.
- You swam doing the "Dolphin Kick" at age 6.
- You consider cooking food unnecessary.
- You get annoyed when there's ocean in a movie but no dolphins.
- USD asks you teach marine biology and you reply you're already "Busy" in that field:)
- Human skin feels like sandpaper to you.
- The neighborhood cats follow you around and it's not cause you're a cat zoo.
- You Decried Democracy when they replaced Senator Barbera Boxer (a thousand blessings on her soul)
- You sent the station a bomb threat when "Flipper" was canceled
- You badger the makers of "Star Wars" as to whether the Mon Calamari are fish or Cetaceans.
- You cheer when Homer gets his butt kicked by a dolphin in "The Simpsons"
- You enter chemical engineering to try and replicate dolphin pheromones as a perfume.
- You have a three hour cassette with nothing on it but the "Flipper" song.
- You cried for days when you saw the dolphin in "White Squall" get put out of her misery.
- You bathe in seawater
- If there isn't a dolphin character in your favorite RPG, you invent one.
- You write the church asking how the dolphins survived Noah's flood (confused? ask me about it!)
- You realize that if hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, Satan himself is scared of a pissed off female dolphin.
- The ER room at the local hospital just to deal with your "Type" of injuries:)
- You consider clothes a curse.
- You develop blubber.
- You can hear so high on the scale you overloaded the machine during your last checkup (Guilty:)
- You have voluntary control of erecting your penis.
- You tell people what "Dork" means whenever they use it incorrectly (Ask me what it means!:)
- You were upset when you bought the Dilbert book "Shave the Whales" and found out it wasn't zoo related.
- You boycott Japan due to their treatment of dolphins(AMEN!)
- You want them to come out with a "Free Willy 4" so you can get more snapshots of Keiko.
- In comparison to you, rabbits are prudes.
- You complain that the new "Dr. Doolittle" didn't include dolphins.
- A mother dolphin designates YOU as the "Nanny Dolphin"
- You have a "Flipper" emblem on the back of your car.
- Someone made your car into an aquarium as a prank, and you prefer it that way.
- Everything you own is water-proofed.
- Your doctor wonders how on earth you eat so much and stay thin when all you do is swim:)
- You MADE an inflatable love dolphin when you couldn't buy one.
- You saw Ek-Goya's "Tastes Like Fish" picture and AGREED!
- You saw "Day Of The Dolphin" on TV and were pissed when they cut out the part about Alpha's "Behavior":)
- You don't care about your breath anymore since dolphins can't smell
- You wonder what the whale did AFTER he swallowed Jonah.
- You believe Miami will get to the Superbowl someday.
- Your breakfast is dolphin milk and grapenuts.
- You get pissed when Willy jumps and you can't see his slit.
- You consider fire overrated.
- You shy away at the thought of external testicles.
- You become uncomfortable being looked at by two eyes at the same time.
- You work at Sugarloaf:)
- You know more about the dolphins at the local aquarium than the trainers do.
- You automatically designate half your paycheck for "Dolphin Stuff"
- You have more footage of dolphins in action than Actaeon has tapes!
- Every Dolphin at the local aquarium knows how to "Deep Kiss"
- You have taught the local dolphins how to "Hold Back" for 30 seconds:)
- The local dolphins have developed a name for you in their language.
- You look in the mirror and realize your belly button has become a "belly slit"
- You have permanent "pectoral fin" creases on your shoulders
- You ask Berkely systems to make a "You Don't Know Jack" animals and volunteer as the cetacean consultant
- You videotape every dolphin and orca show at the local aquarium "Just in case":)
- You buy the "Wacky Animals" video they infomercial for the "Unwanted Surprises" portion.
- You E-mail me weekly to see if my dolphin zoo page is up:)
- You record every episode of "Seaquest:DSV" and don't know what "DSV" means.
- You buy and use a dolphin hood ornament.
- The local "Natural Wonders" store limits you to two dolphin items a week.
- Bestiality.com hires you to find dolphin material for them
- When an airplane crashes, you only care whether or not it hit any dolphins on the way down.
- If you own something that doesn't have dolphins on it, you add them or replace it.
- The dolphins at the petting pool pull you in whenever they can:) "Honest, I don't know why!":):)
- You can scuba dive without a tank
- You're used to swimming with your mouth open.
- You can tell where everything is in a dark room..... With your eyes closed.
- You buy the movie "Cocoon" just for the line "Be careful, those dolphins look horny"
- You have an arrangement with the bookstore for them to send you a copy of any new releases that involve dolphins.
- You complain to Paramount that none of the aliens in "Star Trek" are cetaceans.
- The aquarium calls you because all the dolphins are saying "Oh, YES!" in English:) "Why should I know anything about that?!?!":)
- You develop a "Treat" for the trainers to give the dolphins instead of fish, and won't give them the ingredients.
- You made a yearly pilgrimage to see Keiko when he was in the U.S. (And are planning a trip to Iceland)
- You have a framed copy of Actaeon's cetacean limericks posted in your room.
- The local aquarium has a reward posted to catch the "man in Speedos" in the act.
- You're at a nude beach and you can't take your eyes off someone's dolphin towel.
- You make a dolphin version of Actaeon's "I love my dog" T-shirt. (For instructions, E-mail me!)
- The trainers at the aquarium think you give the dolphins drugged fish because they love when you come and get depressed when you leave.
- You have Chris Sawyer's pictures of me and Nakita framed.
- You have a different dildo for every dolphin species, including orcas (Partially guilty :).
- You pay for an anthro artist to go to San Diego so he can draw dolphin anthros.
- You can see underwater without a mask or goggles.
- You drink seawater without ill effect.
- You have neutral buoyancy.
- You make a suntan lotion for dolphins so your friends can sunbathe.
- You can swallow a raw minnow whole, and enjoy doing it.
- When dolphins see you on a ship, they follow it until you "swim" with them. :)
- If you see a dolphin item you don't own, you have to stop yourself from buying it.
- You call the "Free Willy" foundation every month for footage and data on Keiko's "Behavior." :)
- You own a wetsuit for each dolphin species, complete with coloration (including a "party" suit :).
- The aquarium calls you because the dolphins won't do tricks for fish anymore. (Honest, how should I know what they want?" :)
- You read this list all the way through without getting bored.

From DingoCat:

- You train your dog to act like a seeing eye dog and you pretend to be blind just so your partner can be with you in stores and restaurants.

From Dobbin:

- Friends whisper about the hoof prints on your lounge carpet.
- Contraception isn't really a problem.
- You and your partner don't talk much.
- You look through your photo album and realise you don't have /any/ pictures of humans.
- The mounting block is usually in the stable, not the yard.
- Your friends think you must be celibate.

From Dogdude:

- You spot a dog hair on someone's coat, and you can tell by the smell (or taste) of it whether it's from a male or female, and if female, whether or not she's in season.

From Dragn:

- You know your neighbor's dog better than they do! :)
- You spend more time with him/her than they do.
- Your neighbor's dog spends more time in your yard than in his/her own.
- Your friend asks you to house sit and you say "no" because he/she doesn't have a dog/horse/etc.

From Drhoz!:

- You wonder why the single woman living next door has five big dogs - all of them male.
- You tell people you like dolphins because they make love to anyone or anything, simply because it's fun
- You wonder exactly how dolphins use sharks as masturbatory aides.
- You describe dolphin sexuality to your friends in grinning detail, and when asked if you want to be a dolphin, you say yes.

From Duke:

- You think "dogma" is your pooch's mother.

From Equineluv:

- You keep an ample supply of horse treats and grooming aids in your truck/car, but you don't have a horse of your own.
- You move to Kentucky just to be closer to all those horse farms you read about as a child.
- When looking for property to purchase, the first thing you ask to see is the barn.
- You have so many horse pictures, drawings and statues around the house, it makes your human mate jealous.
- You have so many horse plushies in you car, you can't see your dashboard.
- You use the gunrack in your truck to hold halters and leadropes.
- You use a saddle pad or blanket in your car to hide the worn seat covers.
- You work so hard on the new tack room, you end up with Carpal Tunnel, but the job turned out so good, it doesn't even bother you! :-)

From Erasmus:

- You're disappointed when watching Dr. Doolittle because all he ever did was "talk" to animals.
- You spend more time at the public zoo than church.
- When you go to the zoo you inhale deeply in the elephant house when everyone else is holding their nose.
- All you ever want to do anymore is stay in and watch Animal Planet.
- You like the taste of Rawhide.
- You're interested in attending a stag party...but for a very different reason.
- You program your CD player to repeat Nine Inch Nails "closer" over and over again because it reminds you of your last date.
- You liked to lose at "horse" or "pig" just so you could be called that animal.
- When someone "gets your goat," you're more jealous than angry.

From Fang:

- When the local wildlife doesn't run away.

From Fein:

- When you call the tow truck company, they ask, "Same stables as last time?"

From Furlup Endicott:

- You always have scrapes, scabs and scars on your hips, thighs and calves. (Claw marks)
- When you wear shorts to work, your co-workers ask about the scratches on your thighs, that always seem to be there and never heal. (Always happens to me in the summer. ;)
- When someone calls you a "Son of a Bitch" it's a compliment.
- Being a "looker" means checking out the guys (or girls) that are walking a dog, and of course, you are looking at the dog. (I'm guilty)
- You buy a year pass to the local Zoo, just so you can be sure you are there for every "season" for each animal. (guilty again. ;)
- The first thing you do when you see a dog, or horse, etc. etc., is look between the hind legs. It's it's male and has been fixed, you mourn.
- You keep a "Travel Size" bottle of lube in your vehicle, just in case. (I do, don't you?)

From Haflinger:

- You watch Xena's mare instead of Lucy Lawless.

From Hossie:

- You might be a lazy zoo if... you tell your horse, "Giddyup! Whoa! Back up! Giddyup! Whoa! Back up! Giddyup! Whoa! Back up!"

From HyBrithe, a.k.a. Golden Wolf:

- In "Wayne's World": When Garth asked Wayne if he thought Bugs Bunny looked attractive when he dressed up like a girl bunny, you said "Yes."
- In "Wayne's World": When Wayne was interviewing Vanderholf and wrote "He blows goats. I have proof." on the back of his note cards. You wanted to see the pics.
- In "The Holy Grail": You were rooting for the "death bunny" to kill more knights.
- In your house, you have more pictures of animals than family or friends. (guilty) :^)
- You keep issues of "Horse Illustrated" in your "secret drawer," if you know what I mean.
- You hand out cigars when you dog has puppies.
- You use "Milk Bones" as breath mints.
- You've developed the fine art of distracting your friends as you still rub your horse's vulva.

From "JM":

- You start watching _Due South_ just to see the wolf.
- ...and looked up the episode guide to see which ones he is featured in...
- ...and marked those dates on the calendar
- ...or spent 5 hours looking though various fans' sites just for more pictures of Deif after first seeing the show...

From John Owl_Talking: (note the e-mail spam filter)

- You look at the waitress's nametag and can only think of your pet, who incidentally has the same name.
- You begin to consider the origin of black lipstick.

From Ka-Zoo:

- The first thing you ask a dog owner is "is he/she neutered/spayed?"
- You buy dog breed books just for the pictures.
- You are adding to this from experience.
- You look through every book you suspect has bestiality in it.
- You go to school thinking the lab exam was on Labrador genitalia.
- The best part of waking up isn't Folgers in your cup but a Dunker up your butt.
- Someone walks in on you jerking off a dog and you say 'Good, now turn your head and cough.'

From LeopardPaw:

- After waking from a night *mare* you carve another notch in your bedpost.
- You prefer your erotic dreams with animals to those with humans.
- You consider your erotic dreams with humans to be nightmares. Oops another night *mare*
- You watch 'Mad About You' just to see what 'Murray' is up to.

From LiLo:

- When you're speeding you find yourself driving 30 miles under the limit when you pass some fields with horses. (guilty)
- You study biology just so you can study animal mating behaviour without arousing suspision. (partly guilty)
- You did see sex in the dustclouds when Simba lies down in the Lion King. (guilty)
- You hate bright moonlit nights. (guilty again)
- When someone says it's raining cats and dogs, you wish it were true.
- You keep trying to frenchkiss with a horse.
- When the owner calls his/her dog he/she comes running, but passes the owner and stops with you. (happened to me)
- You visit friends more often when they have a pet.
- You have a thousend and one stories about what the hell you are doing in the fields/stable.
- You get afraid whenever headlights pass by that it might be the owner.
- You watch reruns of Dactari just because of Clarence. (true)
- You don't think the monkeys are the greatest animals at the zoo, because they resemble humans too much. (yup)
- You doubt wether you lost your virginity or not, do animals count?

From Lontra:

- Every time you pass a Deer Crossing road sign, you think about using a black marking pen to make the buck anatomically correct.

From Lupus von Wolfe:

- Some human is walking a gorgeous dog and you wonder if they 'do it' with their dog.
- When you visit a dog show, you have to make an effort to keep a moronic grin off your face.
- You sneak little kisses to a friend's pup when no one is looking...and she has to be literally dragged away from you.
- When someone calls a woman a bitch, you feel bad for the bitches.
- You may be zoo if the end of a recorder (musical instrument) reminds you of a stallion's flare.

From Lynx Meerkat:

- Although you enjoy movies like Bambi, The Lion King, All Dogs Go to Heaven, Balto, etc., it really ticks you off that the characters are not anatomically correct. (I mean, come on, we don't have to show dick, but at least give the dogs in Balto some sheaths, sigh).
- You feel most comfortable being a male dogs's bitch.
- The most pleasurable sexual feeling you can think of is sliding your genitals along warm fur that is still attached to its living owner.
- No matter what is happening, no matter what else is going on, if I am with a group of other furs, and a sexy dog comes walking by (usually on a leash), everyone stops what they're doing and turns their head to watch the dog walk by.
- You see a good-looking man or woman walking a dog and the first thing you think is "Nice Tail."
- You might be *the only zoo in the crowd* if you exclaim how much you like to be tied and everyone else thinks you're referring to bondage.

From The Midnight Son:

- You see a gorgeous blonde sitting under a tree in the park and you wonder if she's been "fixed."

From Mr. Cow:

- You have hunting magazines, and/or buck urine...but you don't hunt.
- Your friends ask you, "Why don't you hunt with us," and you think in the back of your mind "because then I can never be alone with the deer."
- You drive late at night and look for a (live) deer on the side of the road.
- Your walls are full of (not deer heads) but deer butts.
- Someone says, "look at the size of that buck," and all you can do is look at the buck's crotch and say "yup, that's a big one all right."

From Mr. Ed:

- You read a 'You might be a zoo when...' list and enjoy it.

From Muttnik:

- The end of your tube of KY is covered in animal hair.
- The sound of a can-opener immediately ends your lovemaking session.

From Oddball:

- You get fined for rubber neckin' driving past the local stud farm...almost causing a pile up :)
- Your friend wants to know why his dog won't leave you alone (Me! ;)
- Your friend in the car says "look at her! I bet she has a tight pussy!" -- enough said...chuckle. :))
- You don't wash your moustache after visiting the stables.
- The sleeve on one of your jackets has a brownish stain.
- You have a Windows 95 desktop theme you have to blank with a password protected screensaver.
- When your friend says "I just love hot horny bitches" and you say "me too" but don't think the same thought.
- You pick hairs from your teeth that are not human.
- You suffer from furballs.
- You try not to be obvious taking photos of stallions with hard-ons at stallion parades (and then try to figure out a way to get them past the developers without embarrassment).
- You always have a packet of mints in your jacket pocket and never eat them yourself.
- You sing "Sitting at the dock of a bay" even though the lyrics are slightly wrong. :)
- You wish that the Rocky and Bull Winkle show was something for bovine zoo's.
- You watch the big horse race and privately place bets on which horse 'drops' first.
- Your relatives want to know where you're going at 10pm at night and all you can say is lame things like "a walk," "a drive," "to the 7-11 for 'something,'" etc. etc.
- Your friends all have girlfriends or are married and are all trying to set you up with a date and you keep trying to find a way to put them off.
- Your friends think you are gay and keep asking you.
- You write a 'You know you're a zoo when...' list and enjoy it. :))

From Ojah:

- When somebody dies, you think: "It's a pity... However, it was just a man!"
- It's not easy for you to remember the names and faces of people, but you can distinguish the dogs one from another by voice.
- Your neighbours tell you that they are tired of all these stray dogs sitting at the front door waiting for you.
- Your missile is heat-seeking.
- You blush when somebody asks you whether you like dogs.
- Your email template begins with the words: "Hi <name>, sorry for the delay." :)

From PROTEVS (Proteus):

- While all the other kids were playing "doctor" with each other, you found it more rewarding to play "vet" with neighbor dogs. (What would we do without neighbor dogs?)
- When your girlfriend needs a manicure, there are a few peculiarities: the nail file is over a foot long and her fake nails are made of steel or aluminum (but at least she only has four "fingers").
- You've found a new use for drywall-hanger's stilts, and it has absolutely nothing to do with construction.
- You thought "quarter horses" were so named because of their gorgeous hindquarters. (based on a comment by Steed)

From Ramseys:

- You know the Gender of an animal, before you know the color of its Nose!
- You can tell the Gender of an animal from 300 yards!
- You're appalled when friends announce they are going to have their pet spayed or neutered!
- When driving, you not only take lots of "back roads" but you suddenly "need" to stop, at the fields with Horses, Cattle, Sheep, Pigs, Llamas, or Aardvarks! (To answer nature's call? ;)
- You "hang out" in the "AI" section of the farm store.
- You're upset when the library moves the stacks around, and you have to find the "Wildlife" books all over again.
- You avoid the Park, because all the neighborhood dogs want YOU to play with them! (Honest Sir, I just have a "Way" with dogs!)
- Height and Weight are NOT the most important measurements of an animal!
- You got a wry smile when you found out that they actually measure the Scrotal Size of Bulls! :)
- You have a "Lead-rope" in your car, but don't own a horse! (Well you never know when you'll find a loose Horse! ;) What about the apples, carrots, doggie treats, or that fifty pound bag of Purina Hog Chow? (Oh that!...)
- You think the "Bear Hunting" joke has a happy ending!
- Men, when you watch "certain" cartoons, with other people, you have to keep a pillow in your lap. (Ladies, be honest here.)
- You can imagine yourself, in a former life, as an animal. (One with Big....Horns! ;)
- At work, you wouldn't mind being "Put out to Pasture!"
- You're a Vegetarian because... Well...? Just BECAUSE!
- You read the ASB NG, regularly. And you know Stasya's e-mail address by heart!
- You get upset when you missed that "new" nature show, you wanted to see...something. ;)
- You never meet a *species here* you didn't like!
- You find yourself wondering if Actaeon, really is, Half Man and Half Stag? (Hee Hee, Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge! ;)
- When someone says "Look at the cute baby animal," you think, "Mom and/or Dad don't look bad either!"

From Resident Hyaena:

- You dream of owning a penthouse apartment at Crump Tower.
- You don't have to worry about expiration dates on milk.
- You flunked math because you refused to accept any of the work of Rene Descartes. (he believed that animals had no consciousness, thoughts, feelings, emotions or soul. "They are but machines" he said).
- You root for a team on the basis of it's mascot.
- You win a brand new Rolex in a contest, and you're bummed out because it doesn't have Indiglo.
- Someone talks about studs and 3 x 7's, and the last thing to come to mind is building materials.
- You watch the Westminster Dog Show, and fault the judges.
- You're at a game, and you're watching the mascots and ignoring the cheerleaders.
- You pray for the Mint to bring back the Buffalo Nickel.
- You buy certain fruits and vegetables in graduated sizes.
- Your favorite comic books are "Omaha" and "Firkin".
- Your favorite rock band names are "Three Dog Night" and "Pink Floyd".
- Your collection of animal figurines, furries and plushies are facing the "wrong" way, (partially guilty)
- You wish that Breyer horses were more "detailed".
- You have a vinyl pressing of Pink Floyd's "Atom Heart Mother", just for the cover.
- You go to the races, and don't bet a dime.
- You make your own animal dildos and A.V. 's out of R.T.V. silicone and rubber (guilty).
- You designed and built your own working dog dildo, complete with urethra and expanding bulb. (Guilty again!)
- You like your gatorade hot, and straight from the tap!
- You were expelled from music class for stealing the horsehairs from the violin bows.
- You're watching the Shamu show at Sea World, the kid next to you asks his dad for a vanilla milkshake, and you start laughing hysterically.
- The bears make cracks amongst themselves about YOUR hugs.
- When you leave, the hyaenas cry.
- You're stalking rhinos for a different kind of horn!
- You got REALLY upset when you found out there was no pig in "Deliverance".
- You try to hitch hike with a desert caravan, because bathing is done with camel urine.
- After visiting your cousin near the dairy, their milk production skyrockets.
- You got excited when someone said you could get moose head at the Northlake petting zoo, until you found out it was just beer.
- You planned a trip to London, because you heard that they have zebra crossings.
- You try to keep the front half of an anaconda cold, and the rear half warm.
- While your fellow campers put up tents, you build a lair.
- You don't WANT any witnesses when you land a marlin!
- You hold backyard "funerals" for worn out leather goods.
- Your 6 foot high godzilla has an s.p.h.
- You sing "Home on the range" with a little more gusto than most.
- You always win the annual cow-chip toss, because the trophy is your winning chip in a frame.
- When you visit the giraffes at the zoo, they try to make you a bridge with their necks.
- You were thrown out of the lion tamer auditions at the circus, because you showed them a few tricks too many.
- You got a lecture in art class, because your animal portrayals are a bit TOO real.
- You rushed out to get one of those "Harlequin romances", only to find out that it has nothing to do with great danes.
- A "fox" is a fox.
- You call or write to stud ranches, trying to "special Order" semen doses without preservatives, buffers or extenders.
- You got busted as the Masked Prowler, while trying to court the local raccoons.
- After you swim with the dolphins, they're all showing pink.
- You go to the zoo to make porno.
- You prowl the city parks and town squares at night, "augmenting" the equestrian statues.
- Baseballs make you cry.
- A friend says he just got a new set of horns, and you ask "male or female?"
- The cat got your tongue, with the barbs on his penis.
- You were fired from the stud farm for "sampling" the wares.
- You like goat milk, but you LOVE billy-goat milk!
- You hear about people "doing Whippets", but you're thinking about something other than drugs.
- You go through the livestock exhibits at the Fair, and come out drooling, from both ends!
- You get sprayed by a skunk, and go back for seconds.
- You're praying for a "volume two" of the book, "Nature Calls".
- You don't put your horse anywhere near Descartes.
- Shenzi gives you a boner.
- You have a Zeta symbol variant for your favorite animal. (Guilty)
- The sharks try to escape YOU!
- Your lover's condom is a Whirl Pak.
- You've got more entry and escape routes to the zoo than "Hogan's Heroes".
- You got kicked out of the lawn and garden shop for trying to hump the concrete deer.
- You've got samples of every kind of buckshot, lodged in your butt-cheeks.
- You have the orca's belly pattern tattooed around your navel.
- You collect recipes that contain animal musk.
- You have an actual collection of real animal musks. (cooperatively collected, of course!).
- Your prep' for a date includes mackerel, snorkel, Speedos and a passkey.
- You can handle crocodiles better than Steve Irwin, "The Crocodile Hunter".
- You wanted to join the Navy S.E.A.L.S., until you found out they were all humans.
- You own every print that TOR has released.
- You can't go through the aussie exhibit at the zoo without singing "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport".
- You look into an animal's eyes, and you know that someone is looking back at you.

  You Might Be an Orniphile (Bird-Zoo) If...

- Your date offers you a drink by lifting her tail.
- Someone tuned the T.V. to "Baywatch", and you're staring at the gulls and pelicans.
- You look at the back of a quarter, and get ideas.
- you look at the back of a dollar bill, and wish that they would get rid of that dammed shield.
- Your collection of bird figurines, furries and plushies are facing the "wrong" way. (Guilty).
- When you go to lookout points and peaks to watch hawks, eagles and vultures, you also "taste" the rocks. (Guilty!).
- You have a "recovery kit"; special implements to collect bird slice from boulders, fence rails and pier pilings. (Guilty again!).
- You wear bird bands as jewelry,
- Being "into leather" means bracelets, jesses and a falconer's glove.
- You found the disguised ostrich penis in Salvador Dali's painting "The Great Masturbator".
- Your "drug paraphernalia" is actually a recovery kit.
- You wish you were hung like a squirrel.
- Someone mentions "boobies", and you think of gannets.
- You sort the quarters out of your change, and mark them between the eagle's legs, before spending them.
- You have to go to the head, and feign seasickness, during a harbor cruise.
- You get hit by a gull, and you try to get a taste before someone sees it.
- You keep a tube of zinc oxide and a stick of chalk with you, to back up your excuses.
- When someone says "it tastes like chicken", more than one flavor comes to mind.
- You calibrate a bird's diet with it's output as a factor.
- You have your own ideas about thanksgiving turkey and christmas goose.
- You see a heron or pelican squirt, and you get unbearably horny.
- Someone mentions "a visit from the stork", and babies are the LAST thing on your mind!
- You saw "Ladyhawke", bought the video, but can't bring yourself to watch it again.
- You slip copies of "Audubon" magazine into "Penthouse" and "Playboy" covers.
- You always have a field guide close at hand.
- You spend hours in front of the flight cage at the zoo, with your camera and long lens, waiting for the eagles to slice. (guilty).
- That little container of white powder isn't Peruvian flake, It's Peruvian cormorant.
- You loiter at lampposts or trees, waiting for gulls or hawks to land.
- Someone says "vent", and air ducts DON'T EVEN come to mind!
- While the other members of your birding party want to see a bald eagle, you want to suck it's vent.
- When they show a lion kill on T.V. , all your attention is focused on the vultures.
- The main differences between hawks and eagles are of size and quantity.
- The "water" in watersports is more like Mocha Mix.
- You get a raging boner when Mufasa tells Zazu to turn around in "The Lion King".
- You watched the Hanna-Barbara cartoon "Birdman", to see "Avenger" the hawk, and ignored the twerp in the costume.
- You look at a rubber chicken in the same way as a Revell model kit, and then some.
- Your tongue is often white. (But not often enough!:^D)
- You made your own swan and ostrich dildos out of R.T.V. silicone. (Guilty)
- You made your own ostrich and turkey vents out of rubber. (Guilty again!)
- Your lover has a body temperature of 112.
- Someone spots you sitting with a turkey in your lap, and you don't move until they leave or you come, whichever occurs LAST. (Thank Talon for zippers!)
- You wonder if Birdman ever "did it" with Avenger.
- You ever actually tried "non-dairy creamer" in your coffee. (Yes I have, but it doesn't work. More "creamer" maybe?:^D)
- You can't show your best bird photos to anyone.
- You wish you had a vent and could slice. (and that you could reach it).
- Your suggestions to the Mint for new eagle designs on our money are returned, as ashes.
- You collect semen from the roosters and inseminate the hens, with your tongue!
- You see a raven eating his own slice, and you turn green, not with sickness, but with ENVY!
- You catch a live turkey in the annual thanksgiving turkey drop, but you never go to the M.C. to claim your prize.
- Instead of numbers like 10, 11 or 12, your ring is sized stork, swan or vulture.
- You have bird plushies that are a bit larger and more "realistic" than most.
- You can't look at a corkscrew without thinking about ducks, geese and swans.
- A hawk zips by at 100+ miles per hour, and the first thing you notice is that it's missing a tail feather.
- The pier railings and pilings are cleaner when you leave than when you arrived.
- You're having a hard time trying to explain to the security guard/principal/cop/parent/friend/roommate what that white powder is.
- You hear the word "tongue", and immediately think of a male ostrich.
- Your laundry smells like chickens.
- You've seen the movie "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" countless times, alone.
- You hugged Big Bird at "Sesame Street Live", and messed your pants.
- When you visit your cousin near the chicken farm, their egg production skyrockets.
- The ducks and geese at the city park walk up to you, and give you funny stares.
- When you walk past the pet store, the parrots and cockatoos moan and squeal.
- While others drink Slice straight from the can, you drink yours "straight from the tap!"
- You have copies of "Audubon", and "Wild Bird" magazine hidden in overheads, bilge pockets and bulkhead gaps. (Guilty)
- Someone in your birding party reports a crissal thrasher, and you start snickering uncontrollably.
- Many of your bird books open a bit too easily at certain illustrated pages, (VERY guilty!)
- You stayed for the second showing of "Ishtar", and left as soon as the vulture sequence was over.
- You set your beach towel below the leeward side of the pier, so you can lay back, and stare up at the undersides of the gulls' and pelicans' tails.
- Someone warns you that there's a stork nest in the tree above you, and you pretend not to hear.
- You rush to the concessions row at the regional falconry meet, because you heard they were giving out free slice. But when you get there, it's just soda pop.
- You've entered bird-calling contests, but most of your calls are squeaks, squawks and grunts.
- Your "fursuit" is feathered.
- You have gull, pelican, cormorant and albatross pictures hidden in your "Bluejacket's Manual". (guilty)
- You believe that "goose" is the most apropos name ever given to a bird.
- In boot camp, you kept a quarter in your shoe, for those rare moments alone in the head or latrine. (Guilty)
- You don't get your creatine supplement from the store!
- You're bummed because the ostriches in "Fantasia" never showed their dicks. (Or their vents, for that matter).
- Your friends bought you a prostitute for your birthday, there's no way out. So you put her on all fours, shove a feather duster up her ass, close your eyes, and ask her to gobble like a turkey.
- You watch a rhea cream, and respond likewise.
- When the doctor says you're getting crow's feet on your face, you wonder how he knows.
- You approach an eagle on a bow perch, and he's screaming at you to "go away". A few minutes later, as you start to leave, he screams at you to "come back!"
- You shop for field guides on the basis of undertail exposure in the illustrations. (Guilty as hell!)
- Your favorite birds include those that most people think are the dirtiest or ugliest.
- To you, "T&A" means turkeys and albatrosses.
- A soda vendor hawking Slice, conjures up thoughts of slicing hawks.
- You're the only crewman on board, whose porno can pass a locker inspection, (true story!)
- You wish that an albatross would land on the fantail.
- You wish to land on an albatrosses fanned tail! (?:^D)
- You got kicked out of the grocery store for playing with the Reddi-Wip.
- Someone calls you a bastard, but you hear them say "bustard".
- You have way too many "accidents" with the toothpaste tube.
- To you, "shagging" means doing it with cormorants.
- You wish for two things in life, a totally friendly ostrich, and a tongue like a giraffe.
- The local gag shop can't keep rubber chickens in stock.
- You keep some fresh roadkill handy, in case your date wants a snack.
- You wish that you could buy Jipillima at the health food store.
- You have a REALLY bad dream, and the caption reads "got slice?"
- You're disappointed that the song "Ladyhawk" on the "Furry Fantasies II" C.D. , has no lyrics.
- When Dorothy sings "Over The Rainbow" in "The Wizard Of Oz", your gaze is fixed on the chicken's butts.
- The producers of "Jeopardy" double-check with you on ornithological questions.
- You go to a falconry meet, wearing an extra pair of underwear when they are flying hawks, two extra for eagles, and three extra for vultures.
- You made a recipe for imitation slice, so non-orniphiles can get an idea what it's like. (Guilty).
- Your dream job is to become an A.I. technician at the International Crane Foundation.
- You've got a lawn flamingo with an S.P.H.
- You go past the emu pen, and all the males drop down and pop their rods.
- You were kicked out of the royal "swan-upping", because you tried to do more than just band them.
- You walk and run like Groucho Marx.
- You video-looped the underneath close-ups of the flying geese in the movie "Fly Away Home".
- You're waiting for someone to write a screen or stage production of "Leda And The Swan".
- You wish you were Leda, or the Swan. (Or both!)
- Your colon is developing a helical twist.
- Your lover urinates from the base of his penis.
- Your lover ejaculates from ALL AROUND his penis!
- You're more desperate to catch the road runner than is Wile E. Coyote.
- You drink Wild Turkey, but not from a bottle or glass.
- You've charted and graphed out the egg sizes of the medium and larger birds.
- You got bummed out when they canceled the Avian S.I.G. meeting at ConFurence 10.
- Someone talks about "boning a turkey", and you don't know whether to laugh or cry.
- When you do it with a human, it feels like you're bonking a snowman.
- Your prep' for a date includes beef heart pieces, falconer's glove (full gauntlet), specimen jar, recovery kit and a passcard.
- The Department of Defense names a fighter jet after you.
- Your tongue gets an orgasm.
- You slip your finger up an eagle's tail, and are shivering uncontrollably for the next fifteen minutes. (true story!:^D)
- You have a zeta symbol variant for birds. (guilty).
- You're hidden in a cage, sucking on a REALLY big bird, when someone walks up behind you. You don't even look up, you just keep on sucking. They leave, saying nothing, and nothing happens. (Another true story!!:^D)
- You go to a bar, because you heard they have Red Tail Ale on tap, but all they bring you is BEER.
- The term "spread-eagle" has a very special meaning for you.
- You're guilty of more of these than you care to admit!
- You look into a bird's eyes, and you KNOW that someone is looking back at you.

From Scentaur:

You know you're an Equi-Zoo when...

- You breathe deeper when you enter the barn.
- Your human mate swears you whinny in your sleep.
- You show more affection to your Plushie Equines than you do to your human mate.
- The horse you're riding stops to take a leak, and you bend down to look at his member while pretending to adjust your boot laces.
- At horse shows, you sleep in the back of the trailer.
- When someone asks you about your first kiss, the only one worth remembering was that with a horse.
- You stub your toe and then complain all day that you have a sore hoof.
- You're the only one at the stable who doesn't mind doing a little extra mucking out.
- You find yourself saying "good boy/girl" after you've done something right.
- When you consider a group of your friends to be part of your herd.
- Every human body looks the same to you, but you can tell the difference between horses at half a mile.
- You wish the internal combustion engine had never been invented.
- You find a human hair in your food and it makes you gag, but horse hair goes down fine.
- All the pictures at the office show women with their horses. You don't know the women.
- You wish Chanel would make an equine cologne so you could go to work smelling like horses.

From Sharpfang:

- As a goalkeeper in soccer, you let them shoot a goal because a cute GS was walking along the other side of the pitch (this happened to me)
- You can't help stroking strangers' dogs in a bus - Even those most aggressive-looking.
- You want to pull the emergency brake handle in a train after you saw a deer through the window.
- You threaten your enemies by biting.
- The covers of your notebooks are covered with diffrerent URLs of sites like wildsex, 1hot1/barnyard.html or Actaeon's home page
- You shake your head disgusted with ignorance of your friends, watching the stallion scan and not beliving that it wasn't "corrected"
- You howl with joy like a wolf.
- On the way to an important meeting you look through the bus window and see a dog humping a bitch, you get out at the closest bus stop and run back to the place to watch, knowing that you'll be late to the meeting.
- You look for genitalia of animals on commercial posters and whisper "Yeah!" when you find any and shake your head, disgusted, if you don't.
- You protest in public against a dog that's trying to lick your mouth, but not strong enough to make the dog resign.
- You don't complain to the owner when a dog bites you - because it's a dog's holy right to bite you if you touch its genitalia.
- You share your ice-cream with a horse pulling a carriage on a street.
- You don't shout at a dog that just stole your dinner.
- You look at symbolists pictures and see no symbols but plain bestiality.
- As a kid, you preferred Barbie and her magic horse set over Barbie and Ken, and you put a tiny horsie from another set to the Pregnant Barbie's belly.
- As a kid, you weren't disgusted when the prince kissed the frog, or you were sad when the Beast turned into a prince, or when The Big Bad Wolf was forced to give Little Red Riding Hood back.
- You're disgusted when your English teacher talks about "deer's horns."
- "Ass" and "bitch" aren't vulgar for you.
- You wink to a mare and she winks back.
- "Nightmare" means nothing bad for you.
- You draw a picture of mating animals while everyone in the room can see it. :)
- You risk your life crossing a street to stroke a dog on the other side.
- Someone asks the owner for the dog's gender and you know it already...
- The phrase "oral exam" means to you driving a dog to orgasm...
- Your account is full of encoded files, everyone knows they are pics but no one ever seen it and you refuse to decode them for anyone.
- Human women in your erotic dreams have dogs' vaginas.
- You prefer a horse over a Porsche. (or "If I had the choice I would take the Porsche, sell it and buy 10 mares")
- You look at the map of the Moon and have quite wrong conclusions about names like "Mare Crisium," "Mare Imbrium," "Mare Nectaris"
- "To make your life stable" means something else to you...
- Your biology teacher tells you that you know everything except things that are required for the exam.
- Your history teacher wonders why you know nothing about other things but so much about Catherine the Great - Empress of Russia.
- Your English teacher might teach you many things, but about animals you teach him.
- In the country you don't eat your candies and don't share them with others, because you're saving them for a horse.
- The superhyperlightsourced object in demo you write is the zeta symbol.
- From all the hundreds of images on friend's hdd you copy only the one with a girl kissing a camel.
- Your mother doesn't want to leave dogs with you home alone.
- Tired late at night you can't get rid of a bitch from your bed.
- You buy a bun for a horse instead of ice cream for yourself.
- Your mother reads all available books about law trying to find something to warn you and you giggle as you've read them all before, finding nothing. :)
- SSS - State Stallions Stable - The place of your dreams.
- You dream about a job of a nightguard in zoogarden - even with $0 wage.
- Your bitch, taken for breeding, lies on her back spreading her legs.
- Your mare "winks" when she sees a bucket.
- Your mare reads the Kamasutra.
- Someone tells you "kiss my ass" and you do so with pleasure.
- You know the words "bitch," "mare," "mount," etc. in 40 languages.
- Two breasts aren't quite enough for you.
- Your dog instead of mounting a bitch gives himself to her to suck.
- You know all the holes in the nearby stable's fence...
- ...and some of them you've made yourself.
- You buy two pounds of sugar cubes before you go to a stable.

From Strider:

- Your mare thinks her name is, "Oh God, Don't Stop!"
- You come to work and your mare is standing there, waiting, with a bucket in her mouth.

From Svadil:

- Someone asks you which horse you fancy in the Kentucky Derby, and you say, "All of them."
- You do a double-take when someone claims to be looking for "a stable relationship."

From Trigger:

- You find yourself making animal sounds at work without even thinking.

From UnicornZ:

- You know darn well that you can't remember phone numbers but you know by heart all the IP addresses of the zoo talkers, and all the IP addresses of the zoo pages.
- Somebody asks you about your phone number and you give him the IP address and the port of the zoo talker you frequent more.
- You're a system administrator and *ALL* your backup tapes are filled with animal mating pics.
- As a user, you use passwords that are related very close to the horse anatomy/behaviour, and even more your account name is an acronym of the words "mare/s" "stallion/s" "filly" etc. etc. or mean them in another language.
- You can't let your friend know your password because of that, and because of the fact that your account is filled with mating pics and zoo addresses.
- You know how to spell horse/mare/stallion/filly/foal in at least 30 languages ( plus their dialects with the correct accent ).
- You read all the mythology books you find in your bookshelf - and you specially insist on Greek mythology.
- Your books open by themselves at the "right" page every time you drop them. Worse, this happens in the most *inappropriate* moment.
- You graduated in computer engineering but you have more books about horses than a veterinarian.
- You don't hear somebody calling for you in the street but you hear a horse trot from kilometers away. More, you can tell by that if it's a "he" or a "she," the age and whether she's in heat or not.
- In the street you discretely sniff every horse that passes you by, look after it and bump into people trying to follow where is it going.
- You know that you will get home very late if your way back home passes near some horses grazing in the field. More... your way is *ALWAYS* through there!
- You simulate a flat tyre just to stop the car and have a good look at *THAT* stallion/mare/mating scene.
- You find yourself wishing you were driving the car your father is driving now, just to be able to stop whenever it happens a "horse trouble."
- Your VCR is programmed one month ahead to record the National Geographic's "Ballad of the Irish Horse."
- You listen to France Radio Contact only because they have a cute dolphin on their logo - although you don't know 2 French words.
- You go to hug the horses first, then the relatives you're visiting.
- You always let the phone ring off just because there is a *NICE* mating scene on TV.
- All the jokes you know and eventually tell to your friends are zoo ones.
- In a shoe store you don't mind if they tell you that "you have big hooves" - and even more - you imagine yourself having hooves and let a *BIG* smile show on your face.
- Your sexy shows are always on the EuroSport channel and always sponsored by Samsung or Volvo.
- You see and tell to others about the zoo references you found while watching Cartoon Network. *grin* (BTW, is there a zoo amongst them?)
- Your neighbours wonder why their dogs don't bark at you and most of all why all their mares seem to know you so well they nicker so friendly and some of them even "wink" at you because of "emotion."
- Your stallion tries to mount you every time you bend down in front of him, and you hardly resist the temptation to let him do it.
- Your stallion tries to mount you in public, and after cooling him down you speak into his ears that you'll continue that at home!
- You have no relative's pictures in your wallet but you sure have a pic of your mare/stallion.
- You moan in your sleep and if you're asked what happened your answer is always followed by a *BIG* smile - not fully understood by others - "I was having a nightmare!" :)
- You write such kind of things and submit them to your friends. :)

From Wodan:

- You find yourself on the wrong side of the road after passing a field full of horses.

From WolfFur:

- Instead of a "significant other," you have a "significant otter!"
- You finally get around to watching "Animal House" and you're dissapointed it's about a fraternity!
- The grocery store lady is used to watching you buy condoms and Milk-Bones in the same trip! :^)
- Someone mentions the group Three Dog Night and you think, Marathon!
- You belong to the Lions Club, Elks Club AND Moose Lodge in your town!
- Your parents used to hide the National Geographics with the naked aboriginies, and you STILL took the other issues to bed with you!
- You're from Pittsburgh or Dallas, but you still cheer for the Colts or Rams!
- You go to a bar called the "Sea Dog" but leave when you find its theme is sailors!
- Your most embarassing moment was after your bartender offered you a Black Cow! [FYI, a "black cow" is sasparilla with a scoop of ice cream.]
- You never go to bed on time if Jim Fowler is going to be on Leno!
- You're willing to walk a mile every day for a Camel.

From Woody Beastlover:

- Your favorite company is Merrill Lynch because of the symbol of their company, an anatomically-correct bull.
- When watching the scene in Star Trek IV when Spock was mind-melding with the whale, you got jealous.

From xlupine:

- You keep on file an e-mail reply saying "No you can't watch and no I haven't got any pictures."

From others:

- You always find more fur than lint in your drier filter.
- Your Significant Other wears a 4-gauge nose ring.
- Your t-shirt has non-silkscreened paw prints around the waist.
- Your arsenal of sex toys includes muck boots.
- Your idea of bondage involves a twitch, crop, or hobbles.
- You might be a fanboy if... your plushies are self-lubricating.
- Your lover _likes_ to be called a bitch.
- You consider the countryside as the "singles scene."
- You use a Timex Indiglo watch as a flashlight.
- Your high school sweetheart wore a collar and a leash.
- The Seattle Space Needle reminds you of a flared stallion.
- You refuse to watch "Dances with Wolves" with your friends because you cry every time they kill the wolf.
- You thought "Heat" was a porno flick involving dogs.
- You see the A&W slogan, "See the bear, taste the food," and you think "to hell with the food."
- You have in your wallet a photo of a gorgeous girl holding a mare and you don't care about the girl.
- You have a photo of the back side of a horse on your desk at work, and you don't mind that your co-workers think you're weird.
- All the photos on your desk and on the walls of your house are of horses.
- You don't mind when your friend puts large horse head decals on your new car, while you are in the barn.
- All the holiday presents you bought squeak.
- Your idea of a quickie is "Go, Sow, Thank You Doe!"
- An attractive woman asks you to lick her pussy, and you agree, and spend the next hour looking for the little guy
- You receive an invite for you and your partner, and you wonder if they will mind the hoof prints.
- You have to stay home looking at a zoo page all night instead of finding a date because you're afraid all the local stables are on to you.
- You hear some guy describe himself as being "hung like a horse" and you can't stop laughing.
- "Playing the Ponies" has nothing to do with betting or racetracks.
- When you ask for a doggie bag at a restaurant, you are dissapointed when they bring you something to put your food in.
- The dolphin trainers aren't the only ones grinning at the kiddies petting the female dolphin with the pink belly.
- If you buy a National Geographic special just for a good mating scene.

### Contributions are welcome: E-mail Actaeon

Index -- Updated Saturday, March 18, 2000 -- E-mail Actaeon