# "Deep Thoughts"...by Actaeon

### (mind you, some of them are actually rather shallow :)

Here's a list of some, um, slogans, quotes, observations, puns, mini-parodies, and, well, some things I came up with, mostly humorous, some serious, none of which fit on any other pages, and are listed here in no particular order. In other words, this is my intellectual trash heap. :) All "thoughts" in the first section are original as far as I know (i.e., I didn't consciously swipe them from other people, although I lay no claims to their being truly one-of-a-kind: with 5.7 billion people, unique ideas are as rare as competent politicians. :)

- If you haven't seen a stallion, you haven't seen dick.
- WE ARE ZOOPHILE OF BORG. PREPARE TO BE ASSIM -- Oooh! Is that a stallion?
- The thought of ewe makes me ram tough.
- Who says God doesn't love us? We even have a patron saint: Bernard.
- A hard dog (horse, whatever) is good to find.
- Tie the knot: get a dog.
- The light at the end of the tunnel is the farmer's flashlight: better make a run for it!
- Just ask my wife...um...Morgan Marechild! Yeah, that's the ticket!
- I can't talk right now: I'm feeling a little horse.
- Bart Simpzoo: "_Do_ have a cow, man!"
- Zooty Python: "So...is your mare a 'goer'?" (wink wink, nudge nudge)
- What should you say when someone catches you fondling a male dog or stallion? "Cough, please."
- My favorite composer is Leap-old Stroke-cow-ski.
- Peter Pecker poked a pack of pilfered porkers.
- Definition: "Garlic breath": someone who likes fish _way_ too much. (get it? "Gar lick?" Never mind. :)
- There's a new song out by the group Emerson, Lake, Palmer & Zoophile: "Still...Ewes Turn Me On." (believe it or not, I'm writing a parody of this one :)
- Have you heard the new Enya album for sheep lovers? It's called "Shepherd Moans." And for dog lovers? "German Shepherd Moans." And should the artist be renamed "Inya"?
- I wouldn't mind being the Maytag repair man: I'd get to spend all day with a dog.
- Zoos are the only people who cannot dine with their lovers in public, unless their lovers are also their guide dogs. Which is fitting, because love should be blind anyway.
- "This software is being distributed as 'Mareware': if you like it, let me spend a night alone with your mare. For a site license, send me the mare."
- The difference between zoophiles and heterosexuals is that, when Lady Godiva was riding through town, the zoophiles were admiring her horse.
- Being a bisexual zoophile means nothing is beyond your grasp.
- Thursday, April 26 was "Take Your Daughter to Work" Day. Naturally, I took my dog.
- If human prostitutes hang around by lamp posts and telephone poles, do zoo prostitutes hang around by fire hydrants and hitching posts?
- "What lubricant do dog lovers use?" "Golden Drool."
- Anyone out there with a t-shirt company? Here's a suggestion for a new t-shirt design: "Love Sees No Species."
- Similarly, a t-shirt company called La Vida (and probably many other companies) makes a shirt which reads "One People, Many Colors." A variant could be made: "One People, Many Species." It could even be passed off as promoting environmental awareness, so it could be worn in public without arousing suspicion.
- Have you heard about the new movie about the impotence of sharks? "Great Whites Can't Hump."
- If you can fondle a deer with both hands, does that make you Bambidextrous?
- "How long have you been in prison?"
  "Long enough for the guard dogs to look pretty good."
- Have you heard about the new condoms for cat lovers? "Barbed for Her Pleasure."
- Furassic Park: where the residents run a Muck.
- Genetics, rather than upbringing, is generally considered primarily responsible for a person's sexual orientation. In my "travels," I've learned that most of the zoos I've met have much in common besides computers and zoophilia. These may have more to do with being net-connected than being zoo, but still, it's interesting to consider the possibility of a genetic link. First, the digital watch: the most popular wristwatch of zoos appears to be a Casio Databank-type; you know, the kind that has a calculator, stores phone numbers, has multiple alarms and scheduling, that sort of thing. Second, most zoos don't want kids, so there may be some sort of "non-breeder" gene involved. Lastly, nearly every zoo I've met, either in RL or on a talker, is a fan of Monty Python, Star Trek, and/or The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. This is fitting, because all of these tend to push the boundaries of their genres, and often teach us to accept things we don't understand.
- This isn't exactly zoo-ish, but at one of the gatherings I attended, I met a man who preferred hugging to shaking hands. It was the first time I'd hugged someone other than a relative, and the first time in years I'd really hugged anyone at all. I was a little uncomfortable at first, but it feels natural now. There's more meaning to a hug, more certainty than the ambiguity of a handshake. Handshakes are for business associates; hugs are for friends. Friends are worth it.
- We're the Zoos Brothers: we're on a mission from Dog.
- I see a lot of trucks that say "Dodge Ram": why? Just bend over and take it.
- Said after leaving a movie theater: "I blew eight bucks on that movie. Woulda been more, but the director wouldn't let me get _near_ Rudolph."
- Have you ever noticed, when gazing down at a seated female dog, that her vulva sticks out a little in front, like a furry triangle? With a long-haired dog, it's tough to see, but with a short-haired breed, you can sit or stand in front of her and look down beneath her belly. Sure enough, there's a little fuzzy point teasing out, as a reminder of what's beyond it. :)
- ZooTunes: Here's a little collection of ditties you can sing to your favorite mammal as the two (or three, or whatever) of you enjoy each other's company: Steppenwolf's "Born to be Wild," Foghat's "Slow Ride," Glenn Frey's "The Heat is On," Pearl Jam's "Animal," and anything by Three Dog Night.
- Apocalypse Cow: "Man, I love the smell of bullcum in the morning."
- Do a zoo and his or her canine lover have a "paw de deux"?
- The following may only have been a personal experience, and others may not face this, but I can pass it on for what it's worth. One male dog I know wouldn't stand still for fellatio, so I masturbated him into a stainless steel cup so I could drink it. Some chemical in his semen must have reacted with the steel, because it tasted very strange, and despite repeated washings, it took literally days for the smell to come out of that cup. Stick with plastic: it's inert. :)
- "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, the heck with your hair: let down your stable key, I smell a mare!"
- Would fellating a wolf be "luposuction"?
- Freudian slip for zoos: "I know this area like the back of my hound."
- Life, in the end, is good. A dog, in the end, is even better.
- How many angels can sit on the head of a 'phin?
  One at a time, if he's willing.
- How many zoos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  Heck, if a dog has a light bulb, he probably won't tie with you anyway. (think about it....)
- How many zoos does it take to remove a light bulb?
  Wait 20 minutes, and it should come out by itself.
- Zoophile Latin: "Amo, amas, amat, a mare."
- "Do you raise St. Bernards?"
  "No, they're already just the right height."
- Could a person attracted to mares or cows be said to "have eyes on the back of his herd"?
- The difference between a beastie movie and a zoo movie is that the zoo swallows.
- Practical Joke for zoos: Leave a copy of "Horse Illustrated" or "DogFancy" in the "depository" room of your local sperm bank.
- Did you hear about the zookeeper who was fired because he gave an STD to a flightless South American bird? He was gone with the rhea.
- And then there was the guy who had to return his male pinniped to the aquarium because the seal wasn't intact.
- Would a masculine dolphin be said to have a male slot?
- "I Can't Believe It's Not Semen!"
  Advertising slogan for a dog or horse semen flavored drink, for those who want the experience but can't afford the real thing. Best served warm, and from a syringe. :)
- Dream job for a zoo: blow dryer at a dog grooming business.
- The trouble with Shar-Peis is, an hour later, you want to make love again. Come to think of it, that's not trouble. Forget I said anything.
- If you masturbated a female hawk, would you have a raptor 'round your finger?
- And then there was the guy who thought "Tupperware" was a question a ram asked. ("Tup her where?")
- There's a new book about sex with birds: "The Screw of the Tern."
- T-shirt idea: "My son spent the night fellating a stallion, and all I got was this cum-stained t-shirt."
- All my dreams have four legs.
- Someone once asked me what TTFN (Ta-Ta For Now) and TTYL (Talk To You Later) meant, and Equidog and I came up with some zoo-ish renditions. For "TTFN": "Tongue That Filly's Nipples," "Testicles Take Fondling Nicely," "Terrific Time: Furry Nookie," and "Taste Treat: Fellating Newfoundlands." For "TTYL": "Taste That Young Llama," "Tempted to Try Yak Lust," "Tapir's Tool a Yard Long," "Try Tongueing Yearling Lions," "Try This: Yeti Love," "Try Terrier (Yorkshire) Licking," "Terrier Tongueing? Yes, Lots," and "Take That, Yak Licker!"
- The downside of being a werewolf is that, once a month, you turn into a human.
- Question which takes on a new meaning for zoos: "How does that grab you?"
- If spelled a little differently, Doctor Dolittle's "Push-me-pull-you" becomes instructions from a sheeplover to his two assistants.
- If you have an affair with a male reptile, have you been cold-cocked?
- Some people are able to tie a sheepshank knot; others can tie with a sheep dog's knot.
- If you have sex with a sheep, are you pulling the wool over your thighs?
- Spoonerism: "weak link" -> "leak wink" (the winking of a mare during urination)
- Have you heard about the new breed of dog just for zoos? It's called a Rhodesian Rides-your-back.
- "I'm thinking me...you...the Taco Bell chihuahua..."
- If Scarlett O'Hara were zoo, would she have said, "I've always gotten on well with the canines of strangers"?
- Hamlet the Zoo: "Alas, poor Yorkie. I knew him, carnally."
- Another way dogs are better than humans: dogs don't mind if you continue to watch TV while you're intimate with them.
- "Dog" spelled backwards is "God." A dog *spilled* backwards is good.

### Here are some items submitted by other people, or are things I found elsewhere.

From MegaDog:
- Embarrassment is when you cough up a fur-ball, then someone notices that it's not *your* fur-color."
- My Dogma's pissing against the tires of your Karma.
- Write error on drive C:
  (A)bort?, (R)etry?, (H)ug dog?
- ....and somewhere, unseen, a dog's nose picked up the scent of his lover.
- "When I told my parents I was setting up home with a young blonde, I dont think a yellow labrador was one of the first images to enter their minds"
- "You bring someone home, say 'Hi Mom, this is so-and-so'. She immediately knows everything including which side of the bed he sleeps on and which brand of dog-food he prefers."
- Go to bed with you? No thanks...
  but if your dog offered to take me home....
- Smile: say "Doberman."
- "A Dog, by any other name, would taste as sweet"
  [apologies to William Shakespeare] From SharpFang:
- It's over a week since I was with her and still I can find her hair on my penis. Strange, isn't it?
- When mares fail, there's always a cute German Shepherd left.
- Can I refuse when she comes to my bed, lies beside me and pushes her tummy against my leg?
- Talkers are a great place for... (yawn) ...sleeping...

  From Others:

- "The male crew are going to pretend to be dolphins, and I get to pet their dorsal fins! And vice-a versa."
  -- a very drunk Marcy, shortly before passing out; from an episode of "Married With Children"
- NEW! From the makers of Mare in a Bottle, it's CLYDEGLIDE! The lubricant you won't soon forget!
  -- submitted by Ponytrot
- "I once had a girlfriend who ate _whole_ apples: core and all."
  "She wasn't a horse, was she?"
- Equine zoos are the only group where it's polite for all participants to keep their shoes on during sex!
  -- submitted by Ramseys
- If Roy Rogers masturbated his horse would that make him a Trigger Frigger?
  -- submitted by Deepthinker
- If the Forest crashes and nobody is on, does it actually crash?
  -- submitted by BarnSide
- When a zoo was noticed to be in pain walking and sitting down, another zoo asked him what was wrong. He replied "Knot...too...much...".
  -- submitted by BarnSide
- Mary had a little lamb
  And the ram was so proud he smoked a cigar
  Meanwhile the midwife fainted
  -- submitted by BarnSide
- If a stallion flags when he flares, does a mare whistle when she winks?
  -- submitted by BarnSide
- "You can have a dog as your friend, you can have whiskey as your friend, but when you have a woman as your friend, you will end up drunk and kissing your dog!"
  -- overheard from a movie; submitted by Yamaha
- There's an expression for someone who works very diligently but doesn't seem to accomplish anything. That person is said to be "fucking the dog." So what's wrong with that?
  -- submitted anonymously
- How odd it is, that though our children may sleep with fake animals, and adults with real humans, it remains socially unacceptable to sleep with fake humans, and real animals.
  -- Lemnwezel
- "There can be no real love between two beings of the same species -- the thing they call love is just a sexual appetite. There can be real love between different species, for example, human and dog, but in fact that is a sexual appetite too. For TRULY REAL LOVE to exist, the two species must be absolutely different, like human and, say, grasshopper. However, even in this case I believe they'll invent something."
  -- Ojah
- How can you tell a zoo at a party? They're surrounded by pretty gals, but they won't hit on any of them. They're not making eyes at the guys. They wait to be noticed by loose pets, and don't complain when those pets get overly affectionate.
  -- submitted by John Owl_Talking (note the e-mail spam filter)

Index -- Updated Wednesday, September 15, 1999 -- E-mail Actaeon