    "The Boxer"
    ...a song parody by Actaeon

    (Sung to the tune of "The Boxer" by Simon & Garfunkel. Posted October 30, 1996.)

    First, a few words from Actaeon:

    Having come out to my parents,
    As you may already know,
    I'm inspired toward a somber tone
    For the parody below.

    It's a ballad of a young girl
    Whose life has seen bad times,
    It's Simon and Garfunkel's tune
    "The Boxer," with new rhymes.

    ===========

    "The Boxer"

    In her bedroom stands a boxer,
    He's her lover and her friend.
    He can soothe the pains and sorrows
    That no human heart can mend.
    He tells no tales,
    He only listens while she spills her heart in wails,
    And he's there to clean her tears when all else fails.

    So let's listen to her story
    Which by nature can't be brief;
    For we can all identify
    With some phase of her grief.

    ===========

    I am just a zoo girl
    With one overwhelming thought:
    How much easier my life would be
    If I had not been caught.
    My dog is gone,
    Locked away from me; alone, I must go on,
    Though I still expect to see him every dawn.

    I first learned of my love for him
    When I was twelve years old
    And I wouldn't trade those memories
    For a pocketful of gold.
    They were so sweet;
    I can close my eyes and still detect his heat.

    Upon my feet....

    I remember how attractive
    Was his tan and cream-white coat;
    He was like a little gentleman,
    Upon whom I would dote.
    He stood and stared
    Into my eyes as both our ardors swelled and flared,
    And we loved each other more than most have dared.

    I would knead his sinewed shoulders
    With my fingers while he slept,
    And I thank him for not telling
    All my secrets that he kept.
    But he would grin
    At the words I spoke, then nuzzle at my chin.

    And let me in....

    When I'd lay down at night to sleep,
    He'd hop up on my bed,
    And I'd wake to find him dozing
    With his cheek beside my head.
    I loved the smell
    Of his mouth, his fur, and other scents as well.
    On this scented recollection I now dwell.

    When school let out, I'd hurry home
    And take him to my room
    And upon the bed we'd frolic
    'Till I felt him in my womb.
    There was a chance
    My folks would find us tied and end our brief romance.

    But we were safe....

    Then the neighbors we don't like so well
    Were strolling late one night
    And they glanced in my direction
    As my boxer held me tight.
    Their laughs and jeers
    Would linger in my heart and soul for years and years.
    No length of time can ease the hatred and the fears.

    They called my folks and told them
    Every detail they had seen.
    And my parents raked me through the coals
    Though I was past eighteen.
    I should have fled,
    Right then and there, I should have left but stayed instead.

    And hid my head....

    My folks were certain I was sick
    And needed mental help;
    I soon shuddered out of instinct
    When I heard the doorbell yelp.
    Is that a net?
    Do they have long white coats and drugs to cause regret
    At my lifestyle and my fondness for my pet?

    The psychiatrist assured us
    That there was no need to fear.
    But my parents didn't buy it:
    "That's not what we want to hear."
    They made me see
    Every counselor from sea to shining sea.

    And all agreed....

    They took me to a specialist,
    And made me pay the fees.
    But the glowing words of "amateurs"
    Did nothing to appease
    Their endless shame
    As they prayed to God and argued over blame.
    And every argument went badly, all the same.

    My father drowned his sorrows
    In Jack Daniels at a bar;
    As the whiskey loosed his tongue
    He told the patrons near and far.
    One told his wife,
    And was spied on by their son, my foe for life.

    My foe for life....

    He gossiped to a friend or two
    Because he thought it cool.
    But the reckless talk spread far and wide
    And some folks can be cruel.
    Those taunts and jests--
    It's hard to live with ridicule, to last the test.
    And the jokes about which snake I like the best.

    I transferred out of high school
    When the teasing hurt my grades
    But the rumors followed everywhere
    Like trails of razor blades.
    I'd scream and shout;
    I felt so bad that slashed wrists seemed an easy out.

    I wanted out....

    If I had the money
    I would leave this sorry land
    And I'd find a space to put down roots
    Where people understand.
    Is there a place
    Where I can be just who I am and show my face?
    Or am I doomed to run and lose the human race?

    After one more psycho session
    My folks finally had enough;
    They had given up on counselors
    And chosen to get tough.
    My father prayed,
    And at that moment I knew his mind had been made.

    It had been made....

    I sat in silent horror
    As I waited for the fall
    Of the hammer I expected
    To complete the final call.
    His skin was flushed,
    And I knew that his decision had been rushed.
    And my tears began to flow and soon they gushed.

    My father growled and grumbled
    As he played his little game,
    Then he shouted and he cried out
    In his anger and his shame,
    "You are leaving, you are leaving, but the boxer must remain."

    I am in pain....

    My new home's an apartment
    In which pets are not allowed;
    Every day I hang my head
    Inside an ever-graying cloud.
    My love is lost,
    Stuck at home while I live with the awful cost.
    And each morning all I wake to is the frost.

    They do not trust my time with him
    To be so wisely spent,
    So my love must stay with them,
    While my heart pays extra rent.
    This is the price
    I have to pay for living with this "sinful vice";
    To be denied his love is just like paying twice.

    It isn't nice....

    In my heart I love a boxer
    Whom I hope to see one day;
    They won't even let me in the house
    Unless he's locked away.
    I should sneak in,
    And take him from them so they can't obstruct my sin.
    But I know I cannot hurt them, and I know I cannot win.

    They may someday forgive me,
    But I will not hold my breath,
    For I know from past experience
    Prejudice fears only death.
    I do declare,
    There were times when I was so lonesome I would have traveled there.

    But I'm too scared....

    Each night now as I bed down,
    I curl my arms just so,
    And imagine I'm still holding
    The beloved dog I know.
    Sometimes I dream
    He's beside me in the dark, and we're a team.
    But when I wake, I'm still alone; it makes me scream.

    In my mind I see him sleeping
    In his pen beneath the tree,
    And I wonder if he feels the loss
    And dreams of holding me.
    Is he in tears?
    Is he like me, in search of love to ease the fears?
    I'll never know, because you see, he isn't here.

    He's not here....

    ===========

    We'd all like a happy ending
    To this parody, I know,
    But the truth is not so pretty
    For we have so far to go.
    We must be strong:
    The tasks ahead of us are arduous and long,
    And will not be solved by shouting or by song.

    Most of us are hidden
    Deep within our very souls,
    And revealing our true nature
    Is the last of many goals.
    Our caution's wise;
    We may be millions, but when single, backing dies.
    And being honest is more dangerous than lies.

    If there can be a moral
    To this gloomy work of art:
    You must find your love and live it
    With the fullness of your heart.

    Pay no heed to those who nay-say
    And to those who scorn our plight:
    We are each of us the boxer
    And there's honor in our fight.

visits since 8/9/97

Index -- Updated October 30, 1996 -- E-mail Actaeon