## Re: ZOO: How do YOU handle being zoo in family?

Posted March 19, 1997

On ASB, Nevi Unicorn wrote:

>I don't think I'll ever tell my parents as I think such knowledge would only
>distress them. And perhaps, just perhaps, my mother might think it in my or
>societies best interests to force help on me by reporting me to the authorities.

I faced the same fears, though it helped a lot that I knew my parents were cool with being gay. I agonized for weeks over how (or whether) to come out. Eventually, though, the stress of maintaining the lie grew too great (I've never been a good liar) and telling them was actually the _lesser_ of two evils. Fortunately, it worked out well. I've been very lucky.

I guess my advice is to find out how your parents feel about gays. (If you plan to come out to a friend or lover, rather than your parents, adjust the following paragraphs accordingly.) I'd do it indirectly, by saying something like, "I found out the other day one of my schoolmates/workmates/whatever is gay. I mean, you can't tell by looking. All these years, I'd never suspected, but now I find myself wondering if I should have known. I've also been kind of avoiding him since then, which feels mean. I shouldn't avoid him just because he's gay, should I?"

And then see how they react. If they don't take it well, and tell you to stop associating with "him," then you shouldn't come out to them as zoo. If, OTOH, they tell you there's no reason to be concerned over that person's lifestyle, then thank them for the advice, and let a week or so go by before moving on to phase II:

"You remember that gay friend I mentioned? Well, he dropped the bombshell on me today, and now I _really_ don't know how to feel about him." Most parents would assume at this point that the friend revealed that he was attracted to _you_. "Oh, no," you say, "it's nothing like that at all. It seems the only reason he told me he was gay in the first place was that he wanted to see how I'd react to the _real_ truth, and now that I know it, I'm not sure how I _should_ be reacting." Act hesitant at this point, and let your parent(s) prompt for information. "Well, he doesn't like humans." Another pregnant pause. "Okay. How do I put this... I've always known he had a dog (horse, whatever), but until he told me today, I never knew how much she (the dog) meant to him. I mean, _really_ meant to him. What on earth do I do now that he's told me all this? I just sat there kinda stunned at the time. I mean, you hear all those jokes about shepherds and their sheep, but he says it's more than that. He says...how did he put it...'I love her and care for her as deeply as anyone else would care for a human lover.' I didn't tell him he was sick; I didn't really say anything at all. What _could_ I say? I just told him, 'well, I appreciate your honesty, but I'm going to need some time to think about this.' He said he understood, and we shook hands, and that was it. So is what he says possible? Have you ever heard of this before? And do you think I should avoid him the next time we run into each other, or should this affect my friendship with him? Because, you know, he's always been a good friend of mine, and I still trust him."

Their reaction to "him" is how they would react to you. Watch and learn. If they ask you specific questions about him, as to his character etc., answer as though it were your own heart they were exploring; after all, it is ultimately _you_ they will be judging. If neither parent wants you to see this "person" again, start saving your money: it's time to cut the apron strings and move out of the house, where you can live your life in peace.

You may find that one parent takes the news much better than the other, in which case you have a chance, though you'll have to proceed delicately. If both parents take it well, and even joke playfully about it, as though they're not embarrassed, you're lucky indeed.

How do you finally come out, then? Hoo-boy, that's a toughie, and it depends on a lot of things. You have to stay true to your personality; faking an emotion you don't feel will come off as false posturing. In any given situation, of course, I recommend staying in the closet as long as you can, but in my case, the stress of hiding just wore me down to the point where coming out was a relief. I approached it by telling my folks I was considering the possibility I was bisexual; they accepted this fairly smoothly and were mainly concerned over safe sex practices and not letting myself be taken advantage of. Nice, friendly concerns. No problem.

Next, since I'd previously told them I was actually going to drop two bombshells, I told them, "Gus [the neighbor's dog] and I are an item." My mom threw her head back and laughed a pleasant laugh, not like she was making fun of me, but as though I'd told a joke (which is how I intended for it to sound -- there's nothing like humor to break a tense situation). I then continued: "Seriously. I've known since I was 13 that my love of animals was more than platonic, and I don't want to hide it from you anymore. I'm tired of lying; it's stressing me out. You deserve better from me, and I'm sorry." This way, I open by telling my parents that I want to be open with them, that I feel bad about lying, that I trust them enough to reveal my deepest secrets, and that I am sorry for being dishonest. In short, I open by stroking their egos and showing what a responsible kid they raised. Parents love this, though I assure you I had no ulterior motives at the time. :)

Gradually, I convinced them I was serious, and we spent the next two hours talking about it. Their initial concerns were that I not get caught, that I not take risks, and that I not tell anyone else. Again, no problem. Over the next few days, they (mainly my father) leveled a few more conditions on me, but those have slowly lifted to the point where my folks are pretty much accepting of it. What helped was my directness, right from the start: when they had a serious question, I answered point-blank, without hesitation. I didn't try to fudge the answer, and I'd read enough of the FAQs and PIPs to be able to respond intelligently to most of their tough questions.

As it stands now, my parents' main worries are for my continued safety, especially where my net activities are concerned. They're not very knowledgable about the Internet and zoo-related laws, so I have to reassure them that being on the talkers and having a huge web site on zoophilia isn't going to get me thrown in the slammer. And while I am looking for a new place to live, the transition is smooth and unpressured; I haven't been kicked out on my fanny like so many others have been. The more I hear of the troubles other zoos (and gays) have faced in coming out (or being outed by others), the more I love and respect my parents. I have to admire the courage of _anyone_ who comes out to family and friends, because I've been there myself.

visits since 8/9/97

Essays -- Updated Wednesday, March 19, 1997 -- E-mail Actaeon