# Actaeon's Zoo Limericks

Here are some limericks I've written since the summer of 1995. They're organized by species category for your convenience. All of these are original and are Copyright (C) 1995-1997 by Actaeon, but I'm obviously unlikely to prosecute anyone for illegal reproduction. (Oooh! There's a double meaning in that! :) Enjoy!

P.S.: I'd also like to thank the many zoos who inspired me and even helped me write a few of these, especially the more recent ones. Rather than list them all by name and risk leaving someone out, I'll just give a blanket "thank you" -- you know who you are. :)

P.P.S.: On June 4, 1996, I decided on my own volition to "clean up" most of my more explicit limericks, mainly by replacing some of the four-letter words with slightly more polite synonyms. I did this not to be in keeping with the CDA or other nonsense, but simply because I think a gentler approach reflects better on the zoo community. The ones whose rhymes depended on those four-letter words, though, I left pretty much as is, unless I could re-write them easily.

### Table of Contents:

Antelope | Arthropods | Bears | Birds | Camelids | Cats | Cattle | Cetaceans
Deer | Dinosaurs | Dogs | Donkeys and Mules | Elephants | Fish | Giraffes
Goats | Horses | Pigs | Pinnipeds | Porcupines | Primates | Reptiles
Sheep | Unicorns | Wolves and Foxes | Zebras | Other African Animals
Mythological or Alien Beings | Zoophilia Itself | Miscellaneous | Star Trek
In Closing...

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    Antelope:
    An over-endowed male impala
    Began growing tala and tala.
    But it came with a price:
    The new height was nice,
    But his penis grew smala and smala.

    A girl bathed a male antelope,
    Then bent down and gave him a grope.
    He lathered her face
    And gave her a place
    To hang up her Soap-on-a-Rope.

    Arthropods:
    A honeybee drone's cousin was
    The one girl he wanted to buzz.
    When asked why and who
    He'd decided to woo,
    He answered both thus: "Just bee-cuz."

    Miss Muffet undressed near a spider,
    Who decided to crawl up inside her.
    He wiggled and jiggled,
    But Miss Muffet just giggled.
    Then her expression grew wider and wider.

    Bears:
    A polar bear lay on his back,
    And was giving himself quite a whack.
    This drew a large crowd
    And a zoo said aloud,
    "I bet he'd be good in the sack."

    A hot grizzly sow found a hunter
    And asked him to eat out her cunter.
    Surprised, he refused
    And so was abused.
    His features are now somewhat blunter.

    There once was a zoo girl, an editor,
    Who essayed to make love to a predator.
    She lay on a chair
    And was laid by a bear.
    She had style: for that I will credit her.

    A man met a cute female bruin;
    In minutes, the two began wooin'.
    In the dark, a male bear
    Failed to notice him there,
    And soon the man's loins lay in ruin.

    A zoo friend and I were desirous
    Of a tame circus bear named Osiris.
    We snuck in at leisure
    And gave her such pleasure
    She begged for her owners to hire us.

    Birds:
    The native guide Sacajawea
    Was seduced one hot night by a rhea.
    Before they made love
    He spoke from above:
    "I use condoms: you've nothing to fea."

    A princess of spirit most gallant
    Was known to be daring and valiant.
    Fed up with dog cocks,
    She essayed to screw hawks,
    And soon she'd developed a "talont."
       [sorry :) ]

    The ostrich is smart: you can teach 'em.
    So the elephant handlers beseech 'em:
    When the bulls are away
    The cows moan all day
    And those birdies are all that can reach 'em!

    The Roadrunner had sex on his mind
    And soon a cute bird he did find.
    He'd just gone "Beep Beep"
    And gotten in deep
    When Wile E. came up from behind.

    For a bestial farmer named John,
    "Laying" chickens is quite a turn-on.
    But when they menstruate,
    He can't hold them straight:
    They slip off, just to egg the man on.

    Camelids:
    A camel I met at the zoo
    Agreed to my invite for two.
    She asked me to tea
    And looked coyly at me,
    Asking, "Will that be one hump or two?"

    A zoo guy from north Yokohama
    Made passionate llove to his llama
    His beau took a photo;
    'Twas sent to Kyoto,
    And it wound up on ABPEB as BAMA.

    We sing of our old "Llama Mater"
    And the zoo who will oft masturbate her.
    This camelid's nethers
    Are softer than feathers.
    With fingers and phallus he'll sate her.

    Cats:
    A cute Bengal tiger named Macie
    Decided to wear something racy.
    A keeper, aroused,
    Came in and untroused.
    But the tigress left him rather lacy.

    A zoo girl with passion was rapt
    By a cougar who was sexually apt.
    She squeezed him so tight
    That when he took flight
    He left her lips terribly chapped.

    A zookeeper fingered a horny cat;
    When sure of himself, he did fornicate.
    But the female lashed out
    And the keeper did shout,
    For he wound up in need of a tourniquet.

    A tiger, deprived of a mate,
    Proceeded to master his bate.
    A preacher ran in,
    Accused him of sin,
    And wound up on the cat's dinner plate.

    A reporter once asked of a lion:
    "Is sex all day fun, or just tryin'?"
    "Oh, it's fun, there's no doubt,
    Hell, I wear myself out!
    But those condom bills, man, I'm just dyin'!"

    Simba the lion was dreamin'
    About the young lioness he was creamin'
    As he growled in delight
    He came in the night
    And drenched his poor meerkat friend Timon.

    The cheetah cub winced: he'd been caught.
    "You've been jerking yourself, have you not?"
    "Yes, I have," the cub frowned
    As he looked at the ground.
    "How'd you know?" "I could tell by the spot."

    Puumba the warthog came cryin':
    "Timon, I've been raped by a lion!"
    Timon said, "What a sin!
    Did he go all the way in?"
    Said Simba, "Not yet, but I'm tryin'!"

    A cat must be fast on his feet
    When looking for females to greet.
    When the barbs on his cock
    Make her lash out in shock,
    The male beats a hasty retreat.

    On the loose from a zoo, a male leopard
    Tried to mate with a cute German Shepherd.
    The difference in size
    Made him come 'twixt her thighs
    And with cum she was liberally peppered.

    When Simba encounters fair Nala
    He bites down on the scruff of her cala.
    He straddles her thighs,
    He comes, and she cries,
    "Oooh, I'd buy _that_ for a dala!" :)

    A zoo lady living in Niger
    Stripped nude and lay next to a tiger.
    When he nuzzled her mouth,
    She guided him south;
    With his tongue, he began to oblige her.
       [Yes, I know tigers aren't native to Niger. :)]

    Jasmine's tiger and she had a pact
    When Aladdin was gone from the sack.
    He would crawl into bed
    And give her great head,
    And Jasmine would fellate him back.

    Hunter has traits that endear him
    To cats, which he lauds, if you'll hear him.
    "Big cats, ounce for ounce,
    Are a far better pounce."
    It's better to love cats than fear 'em.
       [Hunter is a fellow zoo from the Forest. :)]

       [alternate version:]
       Hunter, who's feline in spirit,
       Has advice for all zoos who will hear it:
       "Big cats, ounce for ounce,
       Are a far better pounce."
       It's better to love it than fear it.

    A game hunter, lost on safari,
    Met a lion and ended up sorry.
    When Leo took hold,
    His thrusts were quite bold,
    And the man learned new words for "Hatari."

    Cattle:
    A bison has such a large sheath
    It hangs down from his tum like a wreath.
    If hair is your thing
    And fur makes you "Schwingggg!"
    You'll love what those bulls have beneath.

    The farmer, with trousers unbuckled,
    Showed his rod, which the little calf suckled.
    Her tongue was divine
    And her throat took his wine.
    What threw him was when the cows chuckled.

    A farmer in search of a hole
    Found a heifer with whom he could stroll.
    When his wife saw him grapple
    And insert his pineapple
    The farmer wound up on the dole.

    The other ranch hands thought it strange
    Jeb spent so many nights on the range.
    When they caught Jeb with cattle,
    To the range boss they tattled.
    Jeb replied, "I just needed a change."

    The rodeo clowns often laughed
    At their fellow, who walked with a staff.
    "That's what happens, my friend,
    When you're cleaved in the end
    By a horny bull's three-foot long shaft."

    A bull was observing a farmer
    Put his arm up a cow--out to harm her?
    In defense of the cow,
    The bull charged--and how!
    For undies, the man now wears armor.

    A dairyman out of Nantucket
    Carried his balls in a bucket.
    When he buggered a cow
    She kicked him--and how!
    When he pried the tin loose, he said..."OW!"

    A young agricultural stevedore
    Was loading some cows bound for Ecuador.
    He hid in the hold,
    And when he felt bold,
    He started to thrust like a picador.

    A zoo in the town of Poughkipsie
    Drank vodka and soon became tipsy
    He woke the next day
    In a barn full of hay
    Amidst calves who were licking their lipsies

    Cetaceans:
    A bottlenosed dolphin named Puck
    Was down on his same-species luck.
    He spied a canoer,
    Was able to woo her,
    And they both had a really good time.

    A cetatean biologist named Gwynne
    Saw a dolphin, geared up, and dove in.
    In her haste to depart,
    Her suit came apart,
    And the dolphin swam up and slipped in.

    A boastful blonde bombshell named Gail
    Told the town she could take a blue whale.
    Everyone laughed
    And said she was daft.
    But next week, all her pants were for sale.

    She went orca-watching with glee,
    Jumped in and made love in the sea.
    When she came with a splash,
    The whale asked for cash.
    "But, Willy! I thought you were 'Free'!"

    A zoo at Sea World, looking nervous,
    Enticed a young dolphin to surface.
    When called into court
    And accused of the sport,
    He admitted he'd done it on porpoise.
       [all right, _you_ try finding rhymes that work on this one! :) ]

    A zoo spying whales in the ocean
    Was seized with a prurient notion.
    But his rod soon wore down,
    For the man quickly found
    That saltwater makes a poor lotion.

    A Dolphins fan wanted to stay
    With the team when it moved to LA.
    "I'll miss my old town,
    But I'll come around.
    Plus, their mascot's a pretty good lay!"

    Than the blue whale, no animal is stauncher.
    And his robustness just makes him raunchier.
    When his semen is ready,
    She'd better hold steady:
    If she were much lighter, he'd launch her.

    A gal by the name of Hortense,
    Known more for her daring than sense,
    Tried to get a quick lay
    From a whale in the bay.
    You could say that she found it intense.

    When she entered an orca sex tournament,
    A zoo girl learned quickly what "horny" meant.
    When they started to f*ck,
    On his shaft she got stuck,
    And he wore her as sort of an ornament.

    Ol' Jonah had no cause to pout:
    He had much he could be proud about.
    For Jonah was swallowed
    By the whale who had followed,
    And most whales, it seems, spit it out.

    Deer:
    An impressively-antlered red stag
    Felt his love-life beginning to lag.
    He tugged on my sleeve:
    "Please, sir, don't leave,
    I'm in need of a really hard shag!"

    A farmhand encountered a doe,
    Who lifted her tail for a show.
    He gave the doe pleasure,
    And then for good measure,
    Blew the buck who'd been watching them go.

    A zoo girl, fed up with ho-hum-ers,
    Looked for elk, and took on all cummers.
    She made love to them all,
    From spring until fall,
    Yes, those were real elk-y summers.
       [sorry :) ]

    Actaeon the hunter was normal
    'Till he saw fair Diana informal.
    Angered, she turned;
    His ardor, she spurned,
    And he grew antlers for reasons hormonal.

    The moose is not known for his beauty.
    Compared to the elk, he's no cutie.
    But he's got the tools
    And the cows are no fools:
    They're quite sated when he's done his duty.

    Young Bambi ignored Faline's nips
    Till she took his soft sheath in her lips.
    As she started to lick
    He got really thick,
    And he filled her way back to the hips.

       [alternate lines 3 & 4:]
       As she started to suck
       He proceeded to buck,

    A whitetail surveying his harem
    Decided for fun just to scare 'em.
    He dressed as a doe
    And mounted them so,
    And to his surprise, they would bear him.

    A stag ran his horns through a bush;
    Through his prepuce his penis did push.
    He waved it about
    'Till his urine flowed out,
    Which is why the grass there is so lush.
       (yes, I know the rhyme is off: I'm working on it. :)

    A mule deer bent backwards to find
    A doe with a blow job in mind.
    He let her proceed
    'Till he spilt his seed
    Then he returned the doe's favor in kind.

    A caribou bull in the Arctic
    Grew horny and showed quite a hardick.
    With no cows around
    He eventually found
    Screwing musk oxen proved quite cathartic.

    Two deer fell in love with each other;
    By passion their reasons were smothered.
    Their lust was quite bold,
    She young, and he old,
    Unaware they were sister and brother.

    The American elk, known as "wapiti,"
    Is relentless when guarding his propiti.
    He pees when he bugles;
    With sex he's not frugal;
    And to all other bulls he shows nopiti.

    A buck met a doe by the stream,
    And tongued her and lapped up her cream.
    When he thrust out his dick
    She gave it a lick.
    Then he woke: it was only a dream.

    Santa Claus comes once a year,
    His lovers, of course, are his deer.
    But he's had to suffice
    With the eight who play nice,
    'Cause ol' Rudolph won't let the guy near.

    1. A zoo girl lay down on the lawn,
       And was licked head to toe by a fawn.
       When his tongue reached her nethers,
       She felt light as a feather,
       And they cuddled from dusk until dawn.

    2. When she woke, she returned the buck's favor:
       Her tongue made his little loins quaver.
       When she took his virginity
       It felt like divinity,
       For his cum was like nectar in flavor.

    "Hey ho, Kermit the zoo here,
    With advice for the zoophile New Year.
    You should firmly resolve
    To never dissolve
    Your relationships with caribou, dear."

    Dinosaurs:
    Ol' T-Rex is a powerful dino.
    His rod is as big as a rhino.
    When Rex puts it in her
    She loses her dinner
    And lets out a horrific whino.

    A pterodactyl, transported in time,
    Found itself charged with a crime.
    It felt like high heaven
    Screwing 707's,
    But they crashed when the intakes got slimed.

    The brontosaur gets no respect.
    By Velociraptors he's pecked.
    But they better look out
    When he starts to spout:
    He can drown them in cum when erect.

    Such erotical beasts were the dinosaurs:
    They had the most monstrous posteriors.
    Their massive cojones
    Could shatter large stones,
    But alas, they were no use on meteors.

    Barney, whom TV created,
    Has urges which cannot be sated.
    His triceratops friend
    Has no hole in her end,
    Nor does he, for the show is G-rated.

    Dogs:
    It was a contest, that was no lie:
    Who would come first: the doggie, or Vi?
    He thrusted and pushed,
    She became really bushed,
    And of course, no one won: 'twas a tie.

    A dog lover filled to the brim
    Let his partner partake of the quim.
    He sighed with a wail
    As his favorite Airedale
    Drank a cupful of kindness from him.

    The lady bent over, spread wide,
    So the doggie could fit deep inside.
    He withdrew with a start
    When she let out a fart
    Which unraveled the knot in his tie.

    Two foxes decided to mate
    While watching a zoo masturbate.
    When the spent dog bent 'round
    The zoo hunkered down
    And the three had a nice te^te a` te^te.

    A beautiful Golden Retriever
    Asked a zooman if he would relieve her.
    He fingered her cunt
    And she let out a grunt
    Which turned on the dog's ham receiver.

    The White House flew into a rage
    When Millie snuck out of her cage.
    The book Millie wrote
    Must have had a misquote,
    For the Prez found her stuck to a page.

    A rich girl from Boca Raton
    Met a dog and said, "Let's tie one on."
    The dog humped her gently,
    Then drove off in her Bentley.
    She sighed when she woke: he was gone.

    A zoo girl from North Carolina
    Let her dogs come inside her vagina.
    "You can say what you want
    'Bout their fondness for cunt,
    But than doggie sex, nothing feels fina!"

    A zoo on his travels through Mexico
    Stopped to get gas at a Texaco.
    The gas station dog
    Started sniffing his log
    So he bent down and gave him a sexy blow.

    A police woman driving in Dover
    Gazed coyly one night at her Rover.
    She parked near the track,
    Then climbed in the back
    And her big K-9 unit took over.

    A zoo girl in Boca Raton
    Had a dog with a helluva bone.
    No matter the weather,
    When they got together,
    All of Florida heard the girl moan.
       [Yes, I know I pronounced it "ra-TAHN" last time. So sue me. :) ]

    A zooman who called himself Theodore
    Was fond of his doe-eyed black Labrador.
    He called her his love
    And sang like a dove
    As they sat 'neath the shade of a sycamore.

    A girl took her dog into bed
    And proceeded to give him good head.
    Said the lass: "I've a thought:
    Why don't we tie the knot?"
    But the pun irked the dog, so he fled.

    A basset's short legs and large balls
    Belie the dog's deep-throated calls.
    If _mine_ banged the ground
    When I waddled around,
    I'd cry out high, wouldn't y'all?

    A zoo couple blessed by St. Vitus
    Held a party, but didn't invite us.
    They gave their dogs head,
    On the floor and in bed;
    We'd have gladly licked up the detritus.

    Quoth some dogs, "Hey, you horny zoo, train us!
    We'd love to get off in your anus.
    But douche, s'il vous plait,
    If you want to get laid.
    After all, what's inside you can stain us."

    From the Kremlin, the rumors took wings:
    Their wolfhounds were fellating the kings.
    It caused an uprising,
    But that's hardly surprising,
    Since Russia's quite used to such things.

    A zoo lady's pet Giant Schnauzer
    Has a penis as big as a Mauser.
    When she bends down to pull it
    It shoots hot white bullets
    And the taste of his ammo sure wows her.

    The canine clan isn't too fussy:
    The females can act downright hussy.
    Some will stay chaste,
    And the rest will be chased.
    In the end, doggies get the best pussy.

    A zoo feeling cold in Spenard
    Made love to his huge St. Bernard.
    When he entered her ass
    She released lots of gas;
    He was hoist by his lover's petard.

    A Great Dane met a zoo girl one Sunday;
    They made passionate love in her Hyundai.
    But his knot swelled so tight
    They were stuck the whole night
    And were freed by mechanics on Monday.

    Due to her prior night's folly,
    A student at college was jolly.
    She'd spied the school's mascot,
    Doffed cap, gown, and ascot,
    And was seized by a Carnegie-Mellon collie.

    A dog-loving man asked to wed
    A woman he'd taken to bed.
    She was afraid he
    Was somebody shady
    So she married his husky instead.

    A well-endowed mastiff once suckered
    A woman to bend over, puckered.
    He entered with force
    And swelled like a horse
    And when he was through, she was tuckered.

    When asked to confess to his sin,
    The lover of spaniels did grin,
    "If it weren't for my Brittany,
    I just wouldn't git any,
    And her coat is much softer than skin."

    A surprisingly well-endowed terrier
    Made a lady feel quite a bit merrier
    The mating was fecund
    But he'd had sloppy seconds
    So the offspring were brought up as carriers.

    A sled driver in the Iditarod
    Faced blizzards like wrath from a bitter god.
    When her trained malamutes
    Kept her warm with their snoots
    She learned how they perfectly fit her bod.

    A short-statured lady named Porgie
    Made adequate love with her Corgi.
    She spent quite some time
    Coming up with a rhyme
    But never got closer than "orgy."

    Donkeys and Mules:
    A Grand Canyon mule had a spasm,
    Tossing rider and packs down the chasm.
    "I'm sorry," he yelped,
    "But I just couldn't help't!
    When I see that big hole I orgasm!"

    His wife caught him at it, aghast:
    In the donkey, his penis pumped fast.
    Said she, "You're deranged!"
    Replied he, "It's not strange.
    I just needed a nice piece of ass!"

    Elephants:
    A sweet little girl from the choir
    For an elephant's love did aspoir.
    One night at the zoo
    She accepted his woo
    And sailed hoir and hoir and hoir.

    I can tell by the elephants' kissing,
    And their copious pooping and pissing,
    That they're planning to mate,
    Which I think is just great,
    Except one of my Glad bags is missing.

    An elephant bull named Enkije'
    Told his story on air to a DJ.
    "The problem's my dong--
    It's so blasted long
    That no one can give me a BJ!"

    An elephant, when he's in musth,
    Is a creature whom no one can trusth.
    He'll turn on his keeper;
    If female, he'll leap her,
    And crush the poor girl to the dusth.

    Some elephant bulls at the circus
    Complained, "Man, those keepers sure work us!
    We practice all day
    For mere peanuts as pay;
    To reward work like ours, they should jerk us."

    To the zoo, leaving India was dreadable:
    "Such elephants! I simply must get a bull.
    Nothing gets me harder
    Than a blowjob in Djakarta,
    For an elephant's trunk is incredible."

    Fish:
    A fisherman baited his line
    And pulled a big trout from the brine.
    Said the fish, "Let me go,
    And I'll give you a blow."
    But its teeth slashed his big rod in trine.

    A horny old hammerhead shark
    Tricked whales into sex as a lark.
    When asked, "Is that right?
    You're a shark! Don't they fight?"
    Said, "Nope! They can't tell: it's too dark!"

    A fisherman's wife told him, "Stow it!"
    When he asked if she wanted to coit.
    The next night he found her
    In bed with a flounder
    Who actually seemed to enjoit.

    Giraffes:
    After the zoo closed at ten
    She entered the male giraffe's pen.
    On a ladder she stood
    And blew him off good
    And his rod made her hair stand on end.

    Giraffes have more freedom, I say,
    Than humans, in sexual play.
    While we must get close
    (An arm's length at most)
    They can fellatio from ten yards away!

    A zookeeper, often thought dotty,
    Was seized with a notion quite naughty.
    He filled a carafe
    With cum of giraffe,
    Creating a double tall latte.

    Goats:
    A billy goat, tired of nanny,
    Stuck his nose up the milkmaid's fanny.
    She chortled with glee,
    She pooped and she peed;
    The smell of that goat's now uncanny.

    A billy not getting enough
    Started licking the shepherdess' muff.
    She was tickling his chin,
    When the shepherd butted in,
    And now that poor billy goat's gruff.

    A zoo and her billy were spooning;
    To the goat, she was virtually crooning.
    Her husband said, (quote)
    "Why do we need a goat?"
    She replied, "'Cuz my bush needs some pruning."

    Horses:
    A zoophile astronomer named Fisk
    Loved his mare with a passion quite brisk.
    One night, while in action,
    The Fitzgerald Contraction
    Foreshortened his rod to a disk.
       [based on a non-zoo limerick with a similar punchline]

    She and the pony were lovers.
    She diddled him under the covers.
    When the stud came,
    She called him by name,
    And his gratitude sailed high above her.

    The filly was winking her slot
    And squatting and peeing a lot.
    The ranchhands took turns
    Plying her stern
    And she proved she was quite hot to trot.

    The Black Stallion and Alec would play
    With each other's members all day.
    Alone on the beach
    With no females in reach
    These two horny guys castaway.

    Mickey Mouse heard a horse whinny,
    And up the stud's shaft he did shinny.
    The tiny horse sighed
    As the mouse opened wide,
    For this mouse was quite used to Minnies.

    A zoo girl undressed on a hill,
    Hugging horses to ward off the chill.
    One big Shetland pony
    Called out for his cronies
    And together they gave her a thrill.

    A girl had a sudden desire
    To make love to a big handsome Shire.
    He put it in hard
    And she sailed 'cross the yard
    On the force of the cum that he fired.

    The mare milked Joe's rod till it hurt,
    Yet she wouldn't stop playing the flirt.
    She pinned the man down,
    Moved her horny tush 'round,
    And got herself off on his shirt.

    "The Great" Empress Catherine II
    Is considered the ultimate zoo.
    Alas, the discourse
    That she died 'neath a horse
    Is amusing, but wholly untrue.

    I used to think zoos were perverted
    But was, by a nice mare, converted.
    Her silk-lined interior
    Drew me close to hysteria
    And milked my poor soul 'til she'd cured it.

    A mare showed her slot to her trainer
    And winked so that he'd entertain her.
    He loved his big student
    As much as was prudent
    And asked at school's end to retain her.

    A man in southeast Arizona
    Had a ranch, and a mare he'd named Mona.
    When breeding time neared,
    He stood to her rear,
    And served as official sperm dona.

    A Percheron mare came in season
    And was horny beyond rhyme or reason.
    She buggered a dog,
    Three men and a hog,
    Plus a llama, a bull and a Friesian.

    There once was a horny Italian
    Who fell madly in love with her stallion.
    She sucked on its penis
    With the passion of Venus
    And the horse filled her throat without dallyin'.

    An equiphile, swollen with lust,
    Hugged his mare, whom he'd learned he could trust.
    When he fondled her udder,
    He heard the mare mutter:
    "I'm a cop, buddy: this is a bust."

    A horse-loving lady in Baltimore
    Brought into her house the stud Man-O-War.
    She lifted her skirt
    And started to flirt,
    And he filled the great hall in her corridor.

    A Spanish queen watched from her mirador,
    And saw the return of the matador.
    It was not the sen~or
    Who made her heart soar,
    But the horse, who could ruffle her pinafore.

    An Algonquian Indian sagamore
    Grew old, yet remained a strict bachelor.
    He was loved and respected;
    They never suspected
    The chief's favorite mare was his paramour.

    A mare, when she comes into heat,
    Has a vulva which tastes oh so sweet.
    A stallion, likewise,
    Elicits great sighs
    At the delectable taste of his meat.

    A stallion looked out of his stall
    At all the hot mares down the hall.
    If it weren't for the doors
    He'd have opened their pores
    And ensured that they'd all had a ball.

    An estrous mare winked at a stud,
    But he proved to be more of a dud.
    Though she was in heat,
    The horse held his meat,
    So she ended up sipping his bud.

    The Percheron stud bobbed his dick
    At the sight of the mares he could stick.
    He rubbed on his belly
    Till he spilled all his jelly
    And he came till he made himself slick.

    A stallion up next at a show
    Ran the course with a hard-on below.
    He cleared all the jumps
    With nary a thump
    But his score in that class was quite low.

    The miniature stallion looked up
    At the Shire he'd been asked to tup.
    He made the mare gladder
    With a lift from a ladder.
    When it fell, he was stranded 'til sunup.

    When a non-estrous mare showed resistance,
    Two frustrated studs pumped like pistons.
    They swelled up and blew;
    Their semen fair flew
    And moistened her lips from a distance.

    The bronc buster just wouldn't drop
    Though the bronco pulled out all the stops.
    When the man finally fell,
    The bronc gave him hell.
    Quoth the horse, "Buddy, _I_ go on top!"

    The estrous mare winked at the teaser,
    Who wanted so badly to please her.
    But before they could play
    He was taken away;
    She got laid by a vial from the freezer.

    In the wild, there is no looking back:
    For a harem, the studs never lack.
    But a stud farm's main tactic
    Is a big prophylactic,
    So the horse shoots his seed in a sack.

    1. In a stable, an amorous Prussian
       Ended up with a painful concussion
       When he swallowed the seed
       Of a Trakehner steed
       And was stunned by the force of the gushin'.

    2. His action had harsh repercussions:
       He became the farm's major discussion.
       He was taunted and teased
       But was secretly pleased,
       For the stallion himself was still blushin'.

    3. He knew that with fate he was brushin'
       But the ardor within him was crushin'.
       So he went to the mares
       And showed them his wares
       And entered with rapid percussion.

    4. The farmhands, their voices all hushin',
       Said, "The time's come to send the man flushin'."
       He was sent to the Front
       Where the lad bore the brunt
       Of the horses who spoke fluent Russian.

    Lady Godiva was quipping
    About all the clothes she was skipping:
    "When I get a quick lay
    From my sixteen-hand bay
    I save lots of time by not stripping."

       [the following one works best when pronounced "PAH-so"]
    A fan of Peruvian Pasos
    Put his rod up some horses' tight asos
    Soon he'd put spermino
    Into their termino.
    Was he good? Well, the horses sure tho'so.

    The zoo girl didn't much care
    That her boyfriend had diddled a mare.
    In fact, she was of
    The opinion that love
    Was an asset that prospered when shared.

    They say being zoo is insane-o.
    To that I reply, "What do _they_ know?"
    Can _their_ lovers neigh,
    Or roll in the hay,
    Or come like an active volcano?

    A man bought a cute Falabella
    And took the small horse to his cella.
    The horse loved fellatio
    On a 1:1 ratio,
    Which pleased both the horse and the fella.

    An assembler of large cardboard horses
    Was often aroused by strong forces.
    The instructions he'd see
    ("Put tab A in slot B")
    Would inspire unique intercourses.

    A farmgirl was tilling her field,
    But her plowhorse was slowing her yield.
    To urge the stud forward,
    She'd strut like a whore would,
    And flash her slit 'til the horse squealed.

    When Jed screwed a horse made of plastic,
    The ranch hands exclaimed, "Ain't that drastic?
    With the real thing in sight,
    And the cows free all night?"
    "But these mares won't run: they're fantastic!"

    A zoo with a job at Budweiser
    Worked the stables, which proved quite a riser.
    He loved giving head
    To the horses he fed,
    For a Clydesdale spews forth like a geyser.

    Some horses were teasing a zoo:
    A fence blocked his path, not his view.
    He could see the mares woo him,
    But he couldn't get to 'em,
    So his testes are now somewhat blue.

    A mare quite enjoyed being fingered
    And licked as a man cunniling'ed her.
    He buried his face,
    And got a good taste
    Of what makes a mare such a zinger.

    When a mare's feeling overly amorous,
    She pees with a force that's quite clamorous.
    Though I'd never tell friends,
    I think, in the end,
    A mare's urine smells very glamorous.

    A lady looked 'round with a shiver,
    As a stallion's rod started to quiver.
    She went down on her knees,
    Used her tongue as a tease,
    And his semen flowed out like a river.

    When a zoo's favorite Thoroughbred beckons,
    He succumbs to his passions, I reckon.
    The stick in his trousers
    Rises up like a dowser's
    And is ready for action in seconds.

    A zoo's habits oft interfere
    With his carefully-chosen career.
    The horse inseminator
    May sneak samples later,
    Thinning sperm counts whenever he's near.

    A zoophile golfer, for fun,
    Made love to his mares on the run.
    He'd open his kilt,
    Dash around on short stilts,
    And score many a nice hole in one.

    A British zoo's knees turned to jelly
    When he looked underneath a stud's belly.
    A camera within
    Recorded his sin;
    The event was seen worldwide on telly.

    A horse-loving lady named Dove
    Met a stallion who gave her a shove.
    She lubed up her hands,
    Massaged the stud's glans,
    And was bathed head to toe with his love.

    "My stallions? Why, yes, I'd just gotten 'em."
    "Well," said her doc, "you're too hot on 'em.
    From the fluids inside you,
    It seems that they ride you,
    And together, they filled your duodenum."

    Seeking work as a stable assistant,
    A zoo faced the owner's insistence:
    "All the openings," she trilled,
    "Have already been filled."
    "Not yet," murmured he, his gaze distant.

    A mare-lover started by soapin' her,
    And once she was clean, began gropin' her.
    With slow even strokes
    And occasional pokes,
    He learned what was needed to open her.

    A bigot who thought zoos unwise
    Was seized 'twixt an Arab stud's thighs.
    She confessed he was better
    Than the men who had wet her,
    To say naught of the difference in size.

    "Clean my gelding: his sheath's full of smegma."
    It was thus that I often would beg Ma.
    She took a good wipe
    But he wasn't her type
    And he kicked her right square in the bregma.
       ["bregma" is a fancy Latin word for "forehead"]

    Though a menstruating girl was attacked
    By a stallion who jumped on her back,
    His thrusts interfemoral
    Were better than Demerol
    For soothing her sore sacroiliac.

    A fine kitty lady named Tabby
    Thinks stallion spooge isn't too shabby.
    She crawls underneath
    And fondles one's sheath
    Until she is dripping; he, flabby.

    Tabby, a friend from the talker,
    Spent the night with a Tennessee Walker.
    His smooth, rolling gait
    Made a wonderful date.
    And the horse rode on top: that's the shocker.

    The Spaniards set forth on their quest
    To study the land to the West.
    Aboard their fine galleons
    Were numerous stallions
    And mares, and you all know the rest.

    A math-loving zoo (a Parisian)
    Fell in love with a stallion (a Friesian).
    He'd measure the size
    Of what hung 'twixt its thighs,
    And plot all his curves in cartesian.

    A zooman who loved drinking mare-y piss
    Was advised to get help from a therapist.
    The shrink, it is true,
    Was also a zoo,
    And they both hopped a fence and had merry bliss.

    After drinking a full fifth of bourbon,
    A zoo drove his brand new Suburban
    To a horse farm where he
    Put his rod in a she,
    Who enveloped his head like a turban.

    With one particular horse, called Nugget,
    Alan Strang does far more than hug it.
    In the dark they will ride,
    Bare flesh against hide;
    Though his nature prompts doctors to drug it.
       [Alan Strang is a character from Peter Shaffer's play "Equus."]

    Pigs:
    A hog rancher just east of Macon
    With a particular sow was quite taken.
    He spared her from dinner
    And put his meat in her
    And that cute little pig cooked his bacon.

    The boar is a creature most lewd:
    Its eighteen-inch rod's not for prudes.
    Like a corkscrew, it's curled;
    Through the cervix it's twirled,
    Giving new life to the phrase "getting screwed."

    Before World War II, in a brig,
    A man fell in love with a pig.
    The two had communion;
    The result of that union
    Would be named Adolf Hitler, ya dig? :)

    Pinnipeds:
    A lady lay down on the beach
    With her jar of K-Y within reach.
    She lubed up a seal
    And came with a squeal
    When he put his ramrod up her breech.

    A man on the beach after dusk
    Was consumed by aquatical lusk.
    A walrus emerged
    With a similar urge
    And the two took each other to tusk.

    A dune buggy fan at the wheel
    Lost control of his automobile.
    He crashed in the sea,
    Woke up and got free,
    And found he had blown a few seals.

    Porcupines:
    Porcupine sex needs a seasoner
    To make the encounter more pleasoner.
    Of his nibbling she's fond
    And if she responds
    He stands on his hind legs and peasoner.

    A porcupine, when she's in heat,
    Will grasp any stick she may meet.
    She'll straddle the twig;
    In her crotch it will dig.
    When you're horny, it's really a treat.

    Primates:
    A rich yuppie girl in a Beemer
    Made love one fine day to a lemur.
    She came to adore
    His four on the floor
    As his stick shift proceeded to ream her.

    Though the gorilla's a primate most nimble,
    For his bulk, he's no sexual symbol.
    You see, his poor dong
    Is but two inches long
    And his cum wouldn't fill up a thimble.

    Reptiles:
    Adam stared in complete disbelief
    As Eve put the Snake up her reef.
    "You're human, by God!
    Using snakes is so odd!"
    Said Eve, "I've turned o'er a new leaf!"

    A glass lizard, female or male,
    Doffs its tail tip when other moves fail.
    So when caught by a snake,
    Off it comes with a shake.
    Plus, their mates always get some nice tail.

    So pleased is the boa constrictor:
    With his forked tongue he twice gets to lick her.
    But his two-headed member
    Makes it hard to remember
    Which one of his hemipenes dicked her.

    An oversexed lady named Myrtle
    Would screw any beast, e'en a turtle.
    She'd put on a shell
    And tease him like hell
    And onto her back he would hurtle.

    Sheep:
    A shepherd one night missed his wife,
    And sought out a ewe for his strife.
    He groped in the dark
    And soon found his mark
    And the ram was his best friend for life.

    A horny old UN ambassador
    Took advice from his zoo friend, a commodore.
    He brought in a ewe
    And started to woo,
    While receiving instructions in semaphore.

    The bighorn sheep's headgear's imperious.
    The rams butt heads 'till they're delerious.
    Though women may fake
    An occasional "ache,"
    When a ram claims a headache, he's serious.

    In Alaska, to improve his wild lamb,
    A sheep farmer stole a Dall ram.
    The Feds came to call,
    Found the farmer in the Dall,
    And cuffed him, for he'd been on the lam.

    To the Church, the shepherd was neat
    Until his prize ewe came in heat.
    Though aware it was sin,
    He slid his tongue in,
    For the taste of her lips was so sweet.

    A zoo soldier out in his Jeep
    Encountered a field full of sheep.
    He stoked up his ammo,
    Dressed in full camo,
    And into their midsts he did creep.

    A shepherd with schedules to keep
    Has trouble in getting to sleep.
    So at the end of the day
    When he hits the ol' hay
    He starts out by cunting his sheep.

    Unicorns:
    The unicorn, lured by the maiden,
    Laid his head in her lap as she'd bade him.
    When no one could watch,
    She proffered her crotch,
    And he left her loins heavy and laden.

    Two unicorns studs sought a mare
    But uncovered a passion quite rare.
    They paused, quite enthralled,
    And mutually balled,
    And their horns wound up gelding the pair.

       [alternate version:]
       Two unicorn stallions were horning,
       For their feelings for fillies were scorning.
       These sexed-up equines
       Spent the night "69"
       And they both wound up geldings by morning.

    A unicorn couple, aswoon,
    Made love in a shaded lagoon.
    After wooing, they rose
    And stood nose to nose,
    And fenced in the light of the moon.

    Wolves and Foxes:
    A wolf with a rare love for women
    Startled an unclothed girl swimmin'.
    He dove 'twixt her thighs
    And elicited sighs
    For hours, with the evening light dimmin'.

    The animal dentist, MacTavity,
    Was known to give in to depravity.
    When a wolf was on scene
    To have her teeth cleaned,
    The dentist filled all of her cavities.

    A wolf with a penchant for humans
    Ended up fussing and fumin'
    When his Alpha female
    Was seen with raised tail:
    And not for a wolf, but a zooman.

       [alternate lines 3-5:]
       When the woman he'd tied
       Suddenly spied
       His Alpha female with a zooman.

    What joy it must be for the fox
    When into his vixen he docks.
    She'll get quite a lift
    From his seminal gift,
    Which he'll place in a warm furry box.

    Zebras:
    A zebra, aroused by the wipes
    Of a woman massaging his pipes,
    Was up to the task
    Before she had asked,
    And he showed the girl more than his stripes.

    "I've got problems, my friends! I've got bevies!"
    The zebra mare sighed, her heart heavy.
    "I just had a spree
    With a sports referee!
    But he told me that he was a Grevy's!"

    Other African Animals:
    A safari guide lost in Burundi
    Was raped by a large coatimundi.
    At first he was shocked,
    But after they'd talked,
    He agreed to come back every Sunday.

    A horny, near-sighted white rhino
    Jumped a female, evidently albino.
    But a hippo she was
    And she started to cuss
    'Till deciding the sex was divino.

    A tourist relaxing in Ghana
    Spread her legs wide in a sauna.
    'Twas custom, she'd learned
    To be pleasured in turn
    By all sorts of exotic fauna.

    An oversexed male hippopotamus
    Was taken with feelings quite sodomous.
    He thrust with a grunt
    But instead of her cunt,
    He shoved his rod in where her bottom is.

    Mythological or Alien Beings:
    The griffin's a curious creature,
    With both lion and eagle-like features.
    His 'nads are all furred,
    And he flips his own bird;
    He's as likely to screw ya as eat'cha.

       [alternate lines 3 & 4:]
       With the sex drive of Leo,
       And the beak of Buteo,

    A mermaid enticed a rough sailor
    Into stripping so he could then nail her.
    He did as she asked
    And started his task,
    But the lass had no cunt, so he failed her.

    One morning a very drunk Cupid
    Did something he'd later think stupid.
    His arrow touched Venus,
    Who ravished his penis
    Which was, hours later, quite drupid.

    The zorp is a beast quite satyrical:
    Its penis is massive and spherical.
    The females are slim,
    With rectangular quims:
    That the species survives is a miracle.

    Wonderland's leading lass, Alice,
    Got into unusual malice.
    In search of some cock,
    She laid Jabberwock,
    And developed a sizable callus.

    Zoophilia Itself:
    The announcement came out of the blue:
    "Two gay zoophiles in the crew!"
    The keepers looked 'round
    And finally found
    A zoo in a zoo in a zoo.

    To keep AIDS from being contracted,
    A senator sought it enacted
    That the only safe screws
    Could be had at the zoos.
    His words, though, were quickly retracted.

    A zoo not afraid to be outed
    Climbed up to a rooftop and shouted:
    "I'm Zoo and I'm proud,
    And I'll say it out loud!"
    When he learned no one'd heard, though, he pouted.

    A kid was a regular log-in
    To a zoo board in South Copenhagen.
    While it gave him some thrills,
    The telephone bills
    Made his folks throw him out on his noggin.

    The debate which concerned the new lobbyist
    Was on which animal penis was knobbiest.
    When caught in his study,
    His face turned quite ruddy:
    "It's not for my work, I'm a hobbyist!"

    Here on alt.sex.bestiality,
    We discuss nature's grand sensuality.
    In reading the news
    And chatting with zoos
    We salute man's inherent duality.

    Miscellaneous:
    A girl fell in love with tamanduas:
    Their long noses fulfilled all her fantuas.
    One night, lost in bliss
    She gave it a kiss
    And cried, "Oh my God, what a manua!"

    Meeko and Flit entertained
    Pocahontas inside while it rained.
    On her nipples hummed Flit,
    While Meeko ate clit,
    And she blew the dog, Percy, insane.

    A playful and daring young otter
    Made love to a girl in the water.
    She squealed with delight
    And stayed through the night
    And she bore him a son and a daughter.

    The anteater has a long snout,
    And it packs quite a tongue, that's no doubt!
    It comes out of his lips,
    Then back in it zips.
    He's designed for a day eating out.

    My 'roo and I screwed on the couch.
    For his honor, I can certainly vouch.
    When we started to woo,
    He said "I love you,"
    And pulled a condom from out of his pouch.

    Bat sex is often high-strung:
    He first eats her out with his tongue.
    While they cling to a shelf,
    His rod thrusts by itself--
    A male bat is always well-hung.

    A hermaphrodite is a sex oddity,
    With both male and female commodities.
    It can get itself preggers
    But those IRS beggars
    Ensure single parents get audities.

    To the octopus, sex is no scoff.
    His problem would task philosophes:
    One of his legs
    Can fertilise eggs,
    But sometimes his mate jerks it off.

    The possum (in Latin, "Didelphis")
    Has a twin-shafted rod on his pelvis.
    The female's two wombs
    Absorb all his spume.
    He can come twice without feeling selfish.

    A zoophile who worked as a farrier
    Thought mare cum was sweeter than Perrier.
    But a trip to the zoo
    And a camelid screw
    Spawned a yen for some nice dromederriere.

    Sea slugs, I learned in Australia,
    Are hermaphro, with cocked genitalia.
    When a pair feel desire,
    Both their penises fire.
    If you were their lover, they'd nail ya.

    A nearsighted, zoo-escaped jaguar
    Was aroused by the antlers a stag wore.
    The cat made a jump
    But before he could hump,
    The deer kicked him and made the cat's bag sore.

    Dorothy Vale would strip off her dress
    In the woods when in sexual stress.
    She'd whistle and strut,
    Then bend down and wave butt.
    "Lions and tigers and bears, oh YES!"

    A 'Net-savvy zoo used Veronica
    To search Gopherspace for furotica.
    But try as he might,
    No fur was in sight:
    Just a girl having sex with harmonicas.

    Raccoons have peculiar relations:
    His forelegs make rapid palpations.
    The masked little bandit
    Grabs hold as he's planned it
    And gives his wife's hips good vibrations.

    A walrus shaft hides a bone "oosik"
    Which stiffens his rod to make music.
    With a flipper he pointed
    At some sheep he'd anointed:
    "Just the sight of it made that poor ewe sick."

    So blessed is the bi-phallic limpet:
    Each rod is so long he must crimp it
    Inside of his shell
    Where tightly they dwell
    Until a female makes him primp it.

    Star Trek:
    (Not exactly zoo-ish, but they're about sex, so I won't be posting them under my real name. :)

    James T. Kirk has truly no equal
    For seducing fair maidens of weak will.
    When he meets a cute alien,
    His trousers go sailin'
    And the offspring return for a sequel.

    When Spock, the inflappable Vulcan,
    Gets his seven-year itch, he starts sulkin'.
    When T'Pring comes in sight,
    They will mate day and night,
    To the point where he can't get his bulk in.

    In Sickbay, Nurse Chapel made moans
    That made the whole crew hold their phones.
    "Oh, Doctor!" she cried,
    With McCoy deep inside,
    "This must be how you got the name 'Bones!'"

    Beverly Crusher's no slouch with romance:
    She's had quite a few men in her pants.
    A ghost and a Trill
    Proved to be quite a thrill
    And she even taught Data to dance.

    The inscrutable hostess named Guinan
    Was accustomed to winin' and dinin'.
    One night, though, she failed
    And O.D'ed on real ale,
    And she soon tried to fit the whole stein in.

    Our Klingon friend Lieutenant Worf
    Screwed a sheep while on leave near a wharf.
    Time came to pass
    And he sloughed off his ass
    For he'd picked up a case of the orf.

    Doc McCoy thrust away at a Horta
    But his temper grew shorta and shorta,
    For the rock had no slit
    Into which he could fit.
    When asked if he came, he said "Sorta."

    First Officer William T. Riker
    Was considered by some folks a piker.
    These rumors grew great
    When he chose as a mate
    Instead of an eland, a duiker.

    And to close with, some limericks by other folks, to take the wind out of my sails. :)

    From Stargazer (of Sleepy's Forest):

    There's a zoo hailing from the Northwest
    Who, despite our advice, feels it best
    To concoct dopey verses
    Which bring only curses--
    Actaeon, please give it a rest!

    From Rings (of FurryMUCK):

    Around here we all have a sayin'
    To watch out for the stag named Actaeon
    He'll read you his poems
    And insist that you know 'em
    While with your dog's weenie he's playing

visits since 8/9/97

Index -- Updated Tuesday, March 10, 1998 -- E-mail Actaeon