## Actaeon Comes Out to His Parents

Posted October 7, 1996

{Updates in curly brackets, from November 9, 1997, eleven months later.}

"Actaeon Comes Out to His Parents: The Good, The Bad, and The Unexpected"

Hello all,

As some of you know from the Forest, I came out to my parents on October 2nd {1996}. I told them I was a zoophile, as well as possibly bisexual (I'm {still} not sure about that yet). I came out because I was getting very stressed out from making up stories about where I spent my weekends (I still live at home, and have never been evasive about things, so when I went to a ZooParty of some sort, I had to tell them something). It went much better than I expected. They admired my guts for telling them this, and they seemed to take it rather well. My parents made no unreasonable requests: don't do it where they could see it, don't tell anyone else, and don't do anything dangerous, risky, or stupid. Not a problem; those have been my bywords for a long time.

They didn't even forbid me to see the neighbors' German Shepherd {who has since been neutered, though not because I was "getting it on" with him}, which was actually my greatest fear, even more so than being kicked out of the house, as has happened to some of you. And to answer your unasked question, "Wouldn't you simply go ahead and see him anyway, and just not tell your parents?" the answer is "No." My sexual orientation was the only secret I still kept from my parents, and now that it's gone, I have no desire to add a new one in its place. Had my parents told me not to see him, I would have obeyed, out of respect for them. My parents demonstrated they could handle the truth, even a difficult one, and they deserve nothing less from me. The only guilt I ever felt about my lifestyle was that I was willing to open up to complete strangers on the Internet, but not to my own parents.

Since I came out, however, the situation has worsened, and I am beginning to regret my decision to come out, for it has added quite a bit of stress to the family. Tonight (October 7), my father told me he is _extremely_ repulsed by the idea of bestiality; he was evidently too stunned to mention that fact the night I came out. He did say at the time that he was turned off by it, and I understood that, but I didn't know just how much it really disgusted him. My mother is also quite uncomfortable with it, but to a lesser degree. {Update 10/17/97: No regrets. My parents are dealing with it quite well; in fact, last night my dad even came up with a zoo-related joke, which I added to my Zoo Glossary.}

The bottom line: I still have a roof over my head for the moment, but my father has numerous concerns which will affect how (and how often) I interact with you.

To a certain degree, my parents consider you a bad influence on me and fear you (and especially the ZooParties) may represent some sort of cult activity or organization dedicated to promoting or encouraging zoophilia, and perhaps more. The fact that we do not use our real names concerns them greatly, and leads them to suspect we have something to hide. Well, we do, but to my parents it's not hidden anymore. They also find it difficult to believe there is no open sexual activity going on at these gatherings, either with humans or with animals, even though the putative main purpose of the events is to discuss zoophilia. They don't see camaraderie, community, and friendship as sufficient reasons to buy plane tickets to visit people who are sexually intimate with animals. They are also understandably insulted that I am open with strangers and not (until now) with them. This was, as I said, my only feeling of remorse associated with my lifestyle. {Update: my parents no longer fear other zoos like they once did; I keep coming home a virgin, so they aren't that concerned anymore.}

Both parents want me to sever my ties with the zoo community, both in VR and in RL, essentially asking me to choose between one family and the other. An understandable and predictable request, but a terrible decision to have to make. Neither parent is computer literate, so while they both want me to discontinue our on-line discussions, they acknowledge they cannot and will not actively stop me: I'm nearly 30 years old, and they agree I have a right to my privacy. I told them I plan to maintain my VR friendships and conversations, and while they are uncomfortable with this, I have to be honest with them. I hope they respect that. {Update: they do.}

My father is also of the opinion that if I can afford to attend these parties, I can afford an additional $200/month in rent. Since $2400 a year isn't in my budget, I am reluctantly opting out of any further zoo gatherings until further notice, no matter how close. That means I won't be going to HalloZoo, PNW Zoo, or CalZoo until this matter has been sorted out and/or I have a place of my own. I will miss you all; please give my regards to all concerned. You are still my friends. {Update: the rent increase turned out to be $100/month, which was directed into a fund to be used when I move out. So I'm getting it all back, plus interest. Also, I am not forbidden to go to the gatherings; I have attended several since I came out, and there have been no repercussions to speak of.}

My father admits this decision was consciously intended to reduce my budget so as to preclude my attendance at these gatherings. I am disappointed in his reaction, but I can understand his intentions and I harbor no ill will toward him. He is doing what he feels is in the best interests of his son, and I cannot fault him for that. After hearing how some zoos have been almost instantly disowned and declared ex-family, the fact that my parents and I can still speak openly about it (even if awkwardly) is, in fact, a great comfort.

Both parents want me to seek counseling, and I have agreed to do so, though admittedly more for their comfort than my own: I have known for fifteen years that I am sexually attracted to animals, and came to terms with my sexuality long ago. My main concern with choosing a counselor is in finding one who can look past the controversy and put aside any personal bias he may feel, in favor of a scientific approach. I can spot the biblical approach a chapter away, and will be very skeptical unless the counselor can provide a scientific basis to his objections and commentary. I don't mind being opposed or objected to (I have plenty of self-esteem), but if I want to be insulted, I can get it for free: no sense paying for it. {Update: I went to one counseling session, outlined in Actaeon Gets a Clean Bill of Mental Health, whose outcome is described by the article title. No further sessions were deemed necessary, and my parents let the matter drop.}

If you have any recommendations on counselors who surprised you with their competence on the subject of zoophilia and were able to approach the subject without being rude or subjective, let me know. Feel free to suggest counselors from outside the Pacific Northwest; I may not be able to consult with them directly, but they may have associates in this area. My mother appears likely to accept a counselor's diagnosis, even if sympathetic, but my father is quite sure I would be happiest in a human relationship, and is unlikely to react well should the counselor say there is, in effect, nothing "wrong" with me. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I really don't see myself as being in need of a "cure," yet I fear society may impose one on me to enhance its own self-worth. {Update: Most counselors don't have a problem with zoophilia, as long as no one is getting hurt. They tend see it as an alternative lifestyle, and usually let the "patient" decide if he or she needs help.}

I have also been given a "sort of" ultimatum; a subtle pressure to move out of the house by the time I turn 30. I have no real problem with this, and I wish I'd had the money to move out years ago, but I had also hoped my exodus would be by choice rather than by coercion, however gentle it may be. My father said the decision was unrelated to my coming out to them, but I inherited my poor skills at lying from him, so there is little doubt the two are quite connected. I understand this reaction as well, and I do not blame my parents for it. I want to move out as much as they want me to; the main obstacle has been financial. {Update: I'm still looking for a dog-friendly place to live, which isn't easy to come by on my salary. I don't want to rent, and am looking for a place I can buy. It's been over a year now, and the deadline is running short. I may have to rent anyway.}

In fact, my parents have, in my opinion, handled the situation far better than many of yours did; I've heard enough horror stories from you to last a lifetime. For me, the strain of lying to my parents, who have always been honest with me, became too great, and the night I came out to them, it was like lifting a 16-ton weight from my shoulders. I had hoped it would float away into space, but it must have liked the neighborhood, for it settled squarely on my parents. I am in need of some comforting words, and if you have any for my parents, I would welcome those too. We all need some friends right now, and you're the only people I know who've walked that proverbial 1.6 kilometers in my cloven hooves. {Update: Fear not, all is well.}

P.S. If you know of any reasonably-priced housing in the Pacific Northwest where I could keep an animal or ten, or if there's a job opening in a high-tech or science-related field someplace, let me know. I may have to cut my losses and abandon ship, as many of you have done. I hope it won't come to that, but I believe in being prepared. {Update: I got a very nice raise a few months ago, which helps quite a bit, and I like my job enough that I don't want to leave, even though I'm sure I could make twice the money if I were willing to commute to a major city.}

P.P.S. An update as of January 29, 1997: things smoothed over very well in the first month or so, and continue to improve. There have been no serious repercussions as a result of my coming out, and I am very much relaxed. The increase in rent never came about {not as such, anyway}, and I am continuing to meet my friends in VR and RL, though I don't plan any plane trips in the near future {actually, I've had two or three since then}. Coming out has actually been quite a relief, and I am closer to my parents than ever before. So things are looking up, though they were never really looking down, anyway. I have been very lucky, and I know not all zoos are as fortunate. I'm counting my blessings. {Update: I'm still counting. :) }

Essays -- Updated Sunday, November 9, 1997 -- E-mail Actaeon