# The Phantom of the Zoo (under construction)

Based on the classic book, opera, and film "The Phantom of the Opera."

I ultimately intend to make this a serious take on the classic, and not merely a parody. I would also like to turn it into a full-length musical, opera or screenplay, using my song parodies and some original works (including the theme song, "The Beauty of the Beast") which are also under construction. While it may never go beyond the print stage (public "morals" being what they are), it would be worth the effort. Just don't cast me as the lead singer: I wouldn't have to look ugly to scare the audience away. :)

This is very much a work in progress; I don't expect to complete it before the year 2000. However, I want you to see what I've written so far and give me your feedback. Bear in mind it's still in its infancy right now, just vignettes and snippets of dialogue, so it doesn't make much sense. Expect this page to change frequently as I continue to add to it and flesh it out.

## Plot Outline

JOHN is a man whose parents caught him making love with his mare while he was 19 and kicked him out of the house. He wears a mask as a metaphor for his inability to reveal his nature to the rest of the world. He puts himself through veterinary school, but finds the work depressing, so he switches to wildlife management and gets a degree in zoology. He secures work as a night-shift zookeeper in a small, non-profit zoo, and lives in an apartment beneath the zoo's office buildings. He surfaces mainly at night to help care for the animals, and his interest in them is of course more than professional; they accept him, and his love, unquestioningly. He takes off his mask when he is with them, for it is only when he is with animals that he can truly be himself. He has hidden his way of life from human beings out of guilt, fear, embarrassment, and confusion, even though he feels deep down inside that he has done nothing wrong.

One day, into his midst there appears a new, female zookeeper (JANE), who works on the day shift. JOHN discovers quite by accident that JANE is zoo. JANE, in turn, discovers by accident that JOHN is zoo. Neither of them, however, is aware that the other knows, and neither has the courage to "come out" to the other.

All is going well until the SUPERINTENDENT, who has become a close friend through working with JOHN for 15 years, happens to walk into JOHN's office when JOHN and the MALE WOLF are tied. JOHN frantically reaches for his mask, which lies on the ground in front of him, but realizes it is no use: he's been caught. As a result, JOHN is asked quietly to leave the zoo, but refuses politely until threatened with being fired. The SUPERINTENDENT informs JOHN casually that JANE will be JOHN's replacement. JOHN says nothing, but knows that if JANE is caught in the act, she will face the same punishment. He knows that he must warn JANE, but in order to do so, he must come out to her.

JOHN returns to the zoo and, in a speech I haven't written yet, very delicately comes out to JANE, who is at first stunned, then tremendously relieved. She determines to help him get his job back so they can work together. JOHN recommends against it, but she is determined, and she speaks with the SUPERINTENDENT. She does not reveal that she is zoo, but the SUPERINTENDENT comes away with the impression that she has no problem with being intimate with animals, which he feels is a dangerous opinion for a zookeeper to have.

## Characters

JOHN (The Phantom)
  Male, 30-40 years old, give or take a few. Must have a good singing voice. Should play at least one musical instrument well, preferably the piano or acoustic guitar. Experience playing several musical styles (rock, blues, classical, etc.) is a bonus. My song parody "Saddlebred Mare" is about JOHN, and he will be expected to sing it.
JANE
  Female, about the same age as JOHN. Must have a good singing voice and should play an instrument. I picture her as the woodwind type: flute, clarinet, etc. The parody "The Boxer" is about her life.
SUPERINTENDANT
  Gender irrelevant; a bit older than JOHN. This person is in charge of zoo operations, including personnel. No singing or music skills required, though it would be nice.
JOHN's MOTHER and FATHER
  Male and female, obviously; appearing (perhaps through makeup) to be about 20 years older than JOHN. They will be singing the background lines in "Saddlebred Mare."
JANE's MOTHER and FATHER
  Same criteria as JOHN's parents. They will be singing the background lines in "The Boxer."
ANIMALS
  Various species, played by human actors wearing animal costumes and (most of the time) standing bipedally, à la Equus and Cats. All animal actors will need to have good singing voices and/or play an instrument. I'd like to have a song called "The Zoophile Blues," with every animal getting to do a solo. I'd especially like a harmonica pro to get up there and really wail on the thing. That would be cool.
  At least the following species are needed: MALE WOLF and FEMALE WOLF; MALE ZEBRA and FEMALE ZEBRA; LION and LIONESS; STAG and HIND (female deer); others TBA. I'd obviously like to play the STAG myself, if possible, though you can bet your sweet bippy I won't be singing. :)
  (P.S. The animal actors may play some of the human roles as well: the human and animal scenes rarely overlap.)

## Animal Costume Notes

The animal costumes should be as realistic as the budget permits; they should be works of art in their own right, and impressive to behold. The jaws should be hinged, so they move with the actor's own jaw movements. This will allow the audience to easily tell which animal is speaking or singing.
I haven't decided yet whether to make the costumes anatomically accurate; while it would be very appropriate considering the subject matter, it might distract the audience away from the verse and music. Either way, no actual penises will be shown on the males; only sheaths and scrotums. In the case of ACTAEON, for my own modesty's sake, I may have him wear a loin cloth or jock strap to hide things. I really don't want people staring at my genitals, however fake they may be, while I deliver my monologues. I'll be self-conscious enough already. :)

## And Now...The Play

[Note: all stage directions (e.g., left side, right side, etc.) are from the viewpoint of the audience.]

### ACT 1:

#### SCENE: OPENING NUMBER

> We see (or, rather, don't see) a dark stage. A spotlight slowly rises, to focus on a stool on the left side of the stage. Seated on this stool is JOHN, along with his musical instrument (guitar or piano, most likely). He is dressed in a zookeeper's outfit: a safari shirt and long khaki pants. His face is obscured by a mask, akin to that worn by the star of "The Phantom of the Opera." However, while the Opera's mask was plain and white, JOHN's mask, like Hester Prynne's scarlet "A," is tastefully striped like a zebra's hide. The stripes slope gently downward from the center, accentuating his eyes and giving him a pensive and slightly sad appearance.

> JOHN opens by poignantly singing "Saddlebred Mare," at the conclusion of which the spotlight fades and JOHN quietly exits backstage.

> After a few moments, another narrow spotlight slowly rises; this one is aimed at the front center of the stage. The stage is initially empty, but a cloven hoof soon appears in the circle of light, as ACTAEON tentatively steps into the light until the beam illuminates his face. The spotlight then widens slowly until it encompasses his whole body. ACTAEON is clad in a fursuit, to appear as a stag (technically, an eight-point bull elk), with cloven hooves and hands (the thumbs are dewclaws), and a set of antlers.

> ACTAEON (to the audience, in an amplified whisper or electronically disguised voice)

> A shepherd one night missed his wife,
> And sought out a ewe for his strife.
> He groped in the dark
> And soon found his mark
> And the ram was his best friend for life.

> (ACTAEON pauses, waiting for laughter to die down. At least, we hope there's laughter. :)

> ACTAEON (continuing)

> When we think of bestiality, we think of sheep. A country bumpkin, tending his flock, letting his mind stray as mens' minds are wont to do when not around the women they lust. Suddenly, that wooly posterior looks pretty good. However, upon returning home, this man's thoughts are no longer of sheep: that was then, this is now. The ewe meant mutton to him.

> Others among us have heard of places (always in other countries, mind you) where, in front of a paying audience, horses, donkeys, and other species are introduced to aspects of human behavior usually found only in the red-light districts of our larger cities. Or perhaps, hidden behind that collection of Alfred Hitchcock movies on your top shelf, is a tattered, unlabeled videotape or magazine you got from someplace you promised not to divulge, in which some lass with a Scandanavian accent is using her Great Dane for more than just guard duty in her (appropriately named) penthouse.

> But someone you know, someone close to you, perhaps someone you feel you've known all your life, has a secret. This person's thoughts and heart remain in that taboo place, long after the hooker is paid, the video has ended, the magazine has been returned to its hiding place. After a busy day at the office, this person travels home and into the embrace of his or her Significant Other, who listens patiently to reports of the day's events and offers unconditional love and support. This Other of which I speak may be a Golden Retriever. A German Shepherd. A Shetland pony. An Arabian stallion.

> At day's end, this "odd" couple may climb into bed together, physics permitting, and when the lights go out and the house is calm, the sounds of quiet lovemaking may be heard, before the pair drifts to sleep in a furry embrace. In the morning, one partner may wake to the feel of wet kisses delivered by a limber tongue, and neither individual will be the least bit concerned about "morning breath."

> I dedicate this play to them. May their love, and my own, never die.

> (The lights rise, illuminating the stage.)
> ACTAEON (continuing)

> Allow me to introduce our company of players. [ACTAEON gestures to John.]

> John. Our Phantom. Before all but his lovers, he wears a mask. Not of wood, metal, or papier-mâché, but of the most concealing material of all: fear. A night shift zookeeper, he lives out his life in a basement apartment beneath the zoo's office buildings, waking each morning with the fear that on this day, of all days, his house of cards will collapse and he will lose the most satisfying job he has ever known, simply because it brings him more joy than his employer would likely appreciate.

> (ACTAEON gestures to Jane.)

> Jane. A keeper in the same zoo, she works the day shift and is only infrequently aware of John's presence. She, too, has eyes for her charges, and dreads being caught in the act of caring too deeply for them.

> On my left, due to an unfortunate typographical error, is our Geek Chorus.

> (The three members of the GEEK CHORUS wave to the audience.)

> The spotlight fades, and ACTAEON exits.

SCENE: THE LION'S DEN (JOHN's first introduction to JANE)

Fade In

> JOHN sits quietly on a bench at the far left side of the stage, unbeknownst to JANE, who stands on the right side, watching the LIONS, who are courting. JANE stares intently as the LIONESS assumes a lordosis position prior to mating. The LION crouches eagerly over the LIONESS and they begin to mate. (Hopefully this won't look too silly with two humans in fursuits: it's intended to be at least a little erotic.)

> We see JANE's expression change from one of anticipation to one of arousal. She glances around her to see if anyone else is looking, but it is the dead of night, and of course, she is alone (except for JOHN, who watches intently, for he recognizes JANE's facial expression as one he himself has displayed from time to time). JANE is very nervous about being witnessed. As the LIONS continue to copulate, JANE bends down in order to get a ground-level view of the action. She alternates staring at the mating LIONS and looking for witnesses, until the LION roars his climax and leaps away from the LIONESS. The LIONESS reacts to his exit and her own climax by growling and trying to claw at the LION. JANE reacts by jumping a little, then smiling to herself. The LIONESS flops onto her side and stretches luxuriously, yawning and shaking herself before rising on unsteady feet, stretching again, wandering seductively over to the LION, and batting him playfully across the ears. Then the LIONESS grabs the LION around the waist, says something sultry like, "Mrrrrowrrrr?," and pulls him backstage.

JANE (sighing quietly, to the LIONESS)

"You and me both, girl. You and me both."

JOHN (to himself)

"I know that stare; I know that sigh;
I know that fear: are others nigh?
Am I secure, and out of sight?
Have others seen me here tonight?
She holds her breath while lions woo;
Don't feel alone; I've been there, too.
A billion normal men...plus me.
A kindred spirit: could it be?"

JANE (to herself)

"I know it cannot happen here:
There'd be a scene; a failed career.
But by the gods, I want so much
To know a wild cat's feral touch.
To sense his warmth upon my skin;
To hold him close; to pull him in.
To ride upon his back, and higher;
To know the feel of lion fire."

JOHN (to himself, but having overheard JANE)

"No prose, no verse I've ever read
Has stirred my soul as what she's said.
At last, at last: I'm not alone.
But how, oh how, can it be shown?
A common love is not enough:
To broach the subject will be tough.
I dare not try; I dare not fail.
Lest we both wind up in jail."

JANE (to herself, still unaware of JOHN)

"Fare well, King Leo, mi amor.
You have quite a night in store.
No sleep for you, while she's in heat:
She seeks the sound of tiny feet.
If it could be, I'd take her place;
We'd make an anthro-feline race.
But I must sleep, alone again.
Good night, my love, take care, 'til then.

SCENE: THE PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE

> DOCTOR

> What's the earliest memory you have of being attracted to animals?

> JOHN

> (after a pause) I was 14; my sister had just gotten a pony for her 12th birthday. Actually, I think I was playing with the family dog before then, maybe 13 or so, but he was neutered, so I don't think that counts.

> DOCTOR

> The equipment may not be there, but the attraction had been formed. I think you were more curious than you were expecting anything. (pauses) Tell me more about the pony.

> JOHN

> (nods) She was a Shetland mare, four years old. She was the first horse I'd been close to in a while; we'd had a sorrel quarterhorse gelding, a riding horse, a few years earlier, but he got navicular and we had to have him put down.

> DOCTOR

> I'm sorry to hear that.

> JOHN

> (nods) He was almost 30; we'd gotten him from a neighbor who had too many horses. (shakes head) But anyway, one of the most vivid things I remember about that pony was that she had...bright pink labia. She was mostly white, with a white mane and tail; horses with white coats tend to have pink vulvas. (shrugs sheepishly) You...learn these things after a while. (DOCTOR nods) She was a very pretty horse, and I found myself attracted to her. I had a strong urge to...examine her more closely. To touch her. I wasn't sure why I wanted this; I figured it was just normal teen lust transplanted to whatever hole was available. A lot of boys growing up in the country have...contacts...with animals, mostly cows, sheep, so on.

> DOCTOR

> (nodding) Yes, it's very common. The exact figures are open to debate, but it could be as high as 15% of rural males. (pauses) Did you act on your impulses?

> JOHN

> (nods and sighs, then stares at the ceiling) There's a story and a half. (pauses) It was about three months after my sister's birthday, and she was at a slumber party over a weekend. It was about 2 am, and my parents were asleep, so I crept downstairs and went out to the pony's stall. My throat was dry and my heart was pounding like an over-used cliché.

> DOCTOR

> (smiles) I don't doubt it.

> JOHN

> (pauses) I got to the stable, looked around, trying not to look like I was looking around, even though it was pitch black and no one else's lights were on, so I can't imagine that anyone could have seen me. I whispered to the pony to let her know I was there, and she stuck her head out of her box stall. You know that feeling you get, right here (touches his chest) when you're really excited about something you know damn well you shouldn't be doing? (DOCTOR nods) Well, when I saw her head come out, that's what I felt. I walked up to her, scritched her on the ears with my shaking hands, then opened the stall door as quietly as I could and closed it behind me. My eyes were starting to adjust to the darkness, and I could see her looking at me from the opposite wall. I wondered if she knew what I was thinking. I...moved toward her, to make a long story short, I pet her in a G-rated fashion for a long time, afraid to do much of anything else. I got down to her haunches, and started running my hands up and down her hips. My eyes were fully adjusted by now, and I could clearly see her outline against the wall. Whenever I petted her hips, she would sway a little bit, toward my hand. I had learned enough from horse breeding books to know she was either in heat or approaching it. I...I started getting closer to her tail, and when I reached the inside of her hindquarters, she lifted her tail out of the way and exposed herself to me. I just about died. (long pause)

> DOCTOR

> How did you feel at that moment?

> JOHN

> I was scared to death that someone would see me. But at the same time, I was more aroused than I'd ever been in my life. I had the feeling that this was the first time she'd ever been intimate with anyone or anything, since the previous owners had said she'd never been bred. And she was letting me do this. I wasn't forcing it on her, and the back door to the stall was wide open, out to the pasture. She could have moved away from me at any time, but she didn't.

> DOCTOR

> Her consent was important to you.

> JOHN

> (nods) Very important. It still is. That was probably the most exciting thing about it. All the stories I'd heard about kids or farmers having sex with their livestock involved tying the animal down or putting it in a crush or hobbles so it couldn't get away. I was sure she'd move off as soon as I touched her under the tail, and I wondered if it was even possible for her to _choose_ to let me be intimate with her. The fact that she would _let_ me...I hadn't expected that. I really hadn't expected that.

> DOCTOR

> Was she facing the exit door?

> JOHN

> (pause) No, but I wasn't blocking it. I was on the opposite side. She could have turned to her left and been out the door before I could have stopped her.

> DOCTOR

> It sounds like she knew you meant her no harm.

> JOHN

> (nods) I think so. I never gave her a reason to mistrust me. I never did anything with her without giving her the freedom to move away. (long pause)

> DOCTOR

> She'd lifted her tail to one side, and...

> JOHN

> Yes... to one side. (smiles) Have I told you this before? (DOCTOR smiles and gestures for JOHN to continue) Once her tail was up, I placed a couple fingertips in the cleft between her hindquarters and vulva. She didn't seem to mind, so I...massaged her there for a few moments. She lifted her tail even higher, and moved backwards into my touch. She was...aroused. In heat, I'm sure. So I swallowed and...moved my fingers directly over her vulva. When I started to massage that, she turned her head to look at me, and she nickered a little. Kinda quietly.

> DOCTOR

> (nods) Nickering is a good thing.

> JOHN

> (nods) Yes. I was very...pleased. When I massaged her a little deeper, she winked. Oh, I suppose I need to explain that.

> DOCTOR

> "Winking" is when the mare parts the lips of her vulva, and her clitoris protrudes at the bottom. It's a sign of estrus. (JOHN blinks, and DOCTOR smiles) You're not the first patient to give me an education on animal behavior.

> JOHN

> (nods slowly, mouth open somewhat) Ah...I see.

> DOCTOR

> (pause) She'd winked, and...

> JOHN

> (nods) Well...I...by this point I was oblivious to everything else. If someone had come by, I wouldn't have known. Fortunately, no one did. So...now that I knew she was...into it...I decided to...slip a finger into her and...masturbate her. God, I can't believe I'm actually talking to someone about this.

> DOCTOR

> (smiles) It's all right. No one is pressuring you. Tell me as much as you feel comfortable with. If it helps, remember that you're not alone, by any means. I've been in this business for 23 years, 11 of them in this office, and in that time I've had about 30 clients who were attracted sexually to animals. Most of them were men, and the most common species were dogs and horses.

> JOHN

> Did you cure them?

> DOCTOR

> (smiles politely) Some of them were very upset, very uncomfortable with their orientation, and I did the best I could to...encourage them to expand their horizons, with varying degrees of success. But most of them didn't necessarily want to be cured; they just wanted to know why they felt the way they did.

> JOHN

> What did you tell them?

> DOCTOR

> (smiles) I told them the truth. No one knows for sure. Why are some people straight, some gay, some bi, some trans? If you read ten different reports, you get ten different answers. Most agree it's a mixture of genetic and environmental factors. Which one dominates depends on the circumstances.

> JOHN

> So it's possible I got it from my parents, or from growing up around horses.

> DOCTOR

> (shrugs) Could be. It's too early to tell, and it doesn't really matter anyway. Whether it's genetics or environment, or both, the lifestyle is set, and determining a cause often leads to needless blame-seeking. There's no fault involved here.

> JOHN

> (thinks for a moment) If someone came to you...and asked you to cure him, what could you offer?

> DOCTOR

> (purses his lips in disappointment) Very little. There are drugs that will prevent unwanted sexual feelings from coming to the surface, but they work mainly by suppressing the entire sexual drive. You'd essentially be a eunuch, with no libido at all...for any species. I don't recommend it except in the most extreme self-destructive cases. I prefer to help people understand their feelings, and learn to live with them. I've had gay clients tell me they wanted to be cured, so they could be straight and "lead a normal life." I tell them, "You're already leading a normal life. It's normal for _you_." That tends to knock them for a loop, because they're not used to the idea of normalcy being something they can define on their own.

> JOHN

> (pauses) So...am I normal, then?

> DOCTOR

> Well, let's see. You're physically healthy, you have a steady job with a small but comfortable income, you're a contributing member of society, you have a roof over your head, and you seem to get along well with people. That sounds like as good a definition of normalcy as any.

> JOHN

> (reluctantly) But I have sex with animals.

> DOCTOR

> (calmly) Your point being?

> JOHN

> My point being...I...I have to hide my lifestyle from everyone else. I can't...take my lover to dinner like other people can.

> DOCTOR

> (shrugs) So, take dinner to your lover. Dine in.

> JOHN

> (laughs, then pauses) I don't like living with a secret. I'd rather live where I don't have to hide it, or I'd rather have nothing to hide.

> DOCTOR

> (nods) It's a big closet. A lot of people are still in it, and I suspect it'll be decades before there's enough room for winter clothing in there. (pause) It's okay to hide from other people. It's...normal. It's safe. What you have to do is make sure you aren't hiding from yourself. When you do that, you start to get hurt, and you can start to hurt others. That's when you need me.

> JOHN

> What others would I hurt?

> DOCTOR

> You could become resentful, and hate what you believe you've become. Unable to stop yourself from feeling the way you do, you could take out your frustration on the objects of your affection, and drive them away from you.

> JOHN

> You mean hurt the animals? I couldn't do that. I've worked with them for 15 years. I've never so much as hit one. If anything, I've spoiled them rotten. I'm no disciplinarian.

> DOCTOR

> (smiles) I believe you.

> JOHN

> These other people you talked to...your other clients...did they ever hurt anyone?

> DOCTOR

> I can't say much without violating customer confidentiality--

> JOHN

> (quickly) I understand.

> DOCTOR

> (continuing) Some were suicidal, particulary teenagers who tried to date other people, but found themselves thinking about animals instead, or who'd been caught by their parents and been raked through the coals.

> JOHN

> (nods and sighs) Yes, we'll have to talk about that, too. But, go ahead.

> DOCTOR

> (nods) Some were people who'd always been attracted to animals, especially dogs, and after a series of failed relationships with humans, they decided to stick with their pets, because they offered unconditional love.

> JOHN

> (smiles) Yes, they do.

> DOCTOR

> These individuals were often depressed because they had to "resort" to animals for sex and companionship. Many believed they were at fault somehow, and avoided even social contact with people. They tended to have very low self-esteem and many turned to drugs and alcohol, to ward off the depression caused by not having a human in their lives. The first few cases I treated were difficult, because I had nothing but textbooks to go on, and they weren't as modern as the ones we have now. But after a while, I was able to tell them, "I can say with certainty that you're not alone."

> JOHN

> Did anyone you talked to hurt anyone else?

> DOCTOR

> Other people? No, I never had a zoophilic client who was abusive to people, though I'm not saying it's impossible. You can usually tell how a person will treat humans by how he treats animals, and those who are especially tender and loving toward animals are seldom if ever abusive towards people. I did have one teen-aged client who had repeatedly had non-consensual sex with animals, essentially rape, and he didn't see anything wrong with it, but once he got engaged and married, that behavior stopped.

> JOHN

> But isn't sticking your finger in a pony's genitals abusive?

> DOCTOR

> Well, a court of law might find it so. That's why you're here.

> JOHN

> But they grow out of it, don't they? At least, I presume they do. They grow up, get married, have families, and joke about it later. Why am I as attracted to animals now as I was 25 years ago?

> DOCTOR

> Most people in Western culture have homosexual fantasies, especially in their teen years. Some will experiment with same-sex intimacy, through summer camps, school outings, with neighborhood kids, people they see often enough to consider close friends. But only about 10% of people in the U.S. are gay or bi; those who aren't don't usually pursue the encounters once they reach adulthood. The same is true of zoosexuality. Like many ruralites, you were exposed to animals from an early age. You saw them every day, and they didn't care who saw them. A horse stops to take a leak, and you see its genitals in all their oversized glory. The teen years are our formative years, sexually; the partnerships we form then often tell us who we'll be when we grow up.

> JOHN

> (nods) I noticed I was spending a lot of time around horses, especially the pony, and told my folks I wanted to start dating. They said it was too early, that I should wait until I was 15 or 16. (DOCTOR frowns and "harrumphs") So I dated behind their backs.

MUSIC: MODERN MAJOR ZOOPHILE

> After JOHN sings "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major Zoophile," it can be expected that the audience will cheer despite the subject matter, for it is a very difficult libretto. During this lull, JOHN will act (be?) exhausted and will collapse on a stool toward the left of the stage, then spread his arms out as though he were a boxer collapsing at the corner of the boxing ring and grabbing the ropes for support. (This is the impression we wish to give, for humorous effect.)

> Instantly and simultaneously, three actors will rise from their stools set against the wall and surround the Phantom. Here's a diagram:

> >                     /     \ <- backstage exit
> >      ______________/       \______________
> >     | TOWEL   WATER         ACTAEON  OTHER|
> >     |    \        |                       |
> >     |     \       |                       |
> >     | PIT  x      |                  OTHER|
> >     |   \   JOHN x'                       |
> >     |    \___x                            |
> >     |               (STAGE)               |
> >     |                                     |

> >                     AUDIENCE
> >                        |
> >                        v

> The first, whom we'll call PIT, will zip around front, crouch between JOHN and the audience, and conceal the stool from view. The back of PIT's shirt reads "The Phantom" in block letters typical of an automotive pit crew. As soon as PIT squats down, we hear the sound effect of a hydraulic jack, and JOHN is "lifted" several inches into the air. (Actually, JOHN simply rises from the stool a bit, balancing on the balls of his feet while PIT "works" on him.) While all of this is happening, a second actor, whom we'll call TOWEL, will approach JOHN from behind, drape a towel around JOHN's shoulders, and use it to wipe the sweat from JOHN's brow. The third actor, whom we'll call WATER, will approach JOHN from the front and offer him a water bottle with a straw, from which JOHN will drink. We next hear the sound effect of an impact wrench (four short bursts to signify lugnuts being removed), and PIT removes a small tire hidden beneath the seat of the stool. PIT rolls the tire to the right, in view of the audience. Lastly, we hear four lugnuts being put back on, the hydraulic jack sound effect lowering JOHN back to his stool, as WATER, TOWEL, and PIT dash backstage, retrieving tire, bottle, and towel as they go. As they leave, ACTAEON tosses a yellow flag into the center of the stage, signifying a time-out, and all the actors quickly follow the pit crew backstage as we fade to...

INTERMISSION

brainstorm 8/12/97: "break down the fourth wall," and have the _audience_ be the jury. That way, both sides' closing arguments will have more impact.

8/19/97: in the discovery scene, have JOHN leaning back against the wall; his partner is pressed against him and humping, so the audience is seeing a clearly consensual act

10/15/97: have the jury foreman be a member of the audience, in the front row. perhaps he should be accused of child molestation, and have to fight that off It occurred to me that at or near the end of the play, since it's assumed I will be using a voice synthesizer to disguise my identity, that I should do a take on the closing number on the "Peter Frampton Comes Alive" album, turning on the synth and telling the audience "Do you feel like I do?," "That's all right," "Did you have a good time?" and "I want to thank you."

11/21/98: Prosecuting Attornry: "If you're going to pull an Oscar Wilde and deliver a drawn-out speech, don't." JOHN: "I wouldn't hear of it. Oscar Wildlife, maybe."

Index -- Updated Saturday, November 21, 1998 -- E-mail Actaeon