80 Reasons Why Animals Are Better Than Humans You can throw the critter off your bed and they come right back when you call em. You don't have to appologize if you cum in less than 3 hours. They come in more colors than just black white red and yellow. They consider cum a delicacy. They don't argue with you. They don't buy shit from the Avon lady. They think a herd of critters is better than just one. You won't catch any terrible diseases if he screws the bitch on the corner. They already HAVE fur coats. They don't mind sleeping in the wet spot. Animals don't write e-mail flames. Animals don't divorce you and take half of your life. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. A man's best friend is his dog. Animals can't talk. Animals can't spell "mysogynist". Animals don't drive. Animals aren't offended by the words "bitch" and "pussy". Animals don't tell lies. Animals will forgive you for being human. An animal, when it's horny, will let you know. Animals don't know what divorce lawyers are. Animals don't call you a chauvanist pig when you hold the door for them. Animals don't charge you with "date rape" when the check bounces. Animals don't fake orgasms. Animals can't get pregnant (or never have to my knowledge). Animals don't carry diseases (with a couple exceptions). Critters don't ask for money. Critters can be satisfied with a handfull of barley. Critters like it when you give them more than one cucumber. Critters don't ask for the keys to the truck. Critters can't divorce you and take half the farm. Critters are more stimulating than a taco. (Kinda obfuscated, but wot the fuk?) Critters don't mind if you like "Butthole Surfers" for mood music. You can get cash for critters. Critters are always naked. (ready!) Critters don't think you're "Kinky". Critters don't think you're rude. Critters don't think. Therefore they can't find good divorce atorneys Critters have pretty eyes. Critters don't mind being tied up. Critters have rough tongues. (Well, cows and cats anyways, for you masochists.) Critters have soft tongues. (Well, Dogs and horses anyways, for us sensualists.) Critters have BIG tongues! Critters LIKE to use their tongues. Critters don't tell you your dick is too small. Critters don't care what kind of car you drive. Critters don't care how much money you make. Critters don't care if you're a nerd or not. An animal always comes when you call it. Animals don't own computers, so they can't find out what you've been saying about them on funky Usenet newsgroups. Animals don't kiss and tell Animals don't get pregnant (And even if they do their father won't hunt you down and kill you) Animals won't steal your friends (And turn them against you) Animals don't have guilt attacks after sexual intercourse. Animals don't insist on introducing you to their family. Animals don't insist in marriage first. Animals don't require that you tell them that you love them. Animals don't sue you. There is no ridiculous time-lag between when an animal is sexually mature and when it is legally mature. You don't have to stroke the ego of an animal. An animal doesn't get insulted if you insist on bathing it first. An animal doesn't worry that it is becoming too dependant. An animal doesn't leave you to go "find" itself. An animal will let you insult it in public. An animal can always be trained. An animal has no hangups. An animal always appreciates you when you feed it. An animal will consent to wearing a chastidy belt. An animal won't leave you because it thinks it is getting too attached. An animal won't lie about affairs. An animal won't speak poorly of you in front of its friends. An animal will be honest about its intentions. An animal will be protective of its mate. An animal appreciates it when you fix it some dinner. An animal doesn't mind showing its feelings in public. Animals don't get certain/sudden headaches at night. An animal doesn't go ballastic if you yawn while you're with it. An animal doesn't want you to take it dancing. Yeah, there are a couple of "repeats" but hey! - Blast it Spock! - I'm an engineer, not an editor!