Date: Tue, 01 Sep 1998 22:51:41 -0700
From: longmane <my_animals@hotmail.com>

My Story of Misery / My Life's Philosophies

Umm, well, actually just some shitty things that happened to me over the 
last few months that I'd like to share with you... It -could- be called 
a 'coming-out' story if you'd like that.

(beware: nothing even slightly erotic here.. just some of my whining..)

Let me start by telling you something myself. I am Longmane. I live in 
the Netherlands. I'm a twenty y/o male and have long dark brown hair, 
usually in a ponytail. I can not call myself a zoo. I like calling 
myself an omnisexual. I'm attracted to both women and animals, and, if 
given the right opportunity, perhaps I'd even learn to love men. I'm 
also 'into' anthropomorphs, like about half of all the people on the 
net. Anyway, my point is: I'm not OPPOSED to anything. Everything is 
always good, unless there's a very good reason why it wouldn't be. This 
may sound like an unnecessary statement, but it's not. Most people have 
their minds made up about things before they've even considered any part 
of it. Especially the issue of zoophilia is very delicate. That's why I 
HATE religions. Religions tell people what to do, what to think, 
depriving them of the use of their own mind. I hate nothing more then 
people with closed minds. I'm always open for other views, other 
opinions, other lifestyles. I don't laugh at people with 'weird' 
lifestyles, I don't call them names and I don't judge them. I admire 
them for their personality and their independence. And I don't hide my 
opinions. That's got me into trouble several times, so I'm afraid I'll 
have to tone down a little, just to get through college in peace. For 
almost a year now, I've been hanging around on the Net, meeting people 
and 'admitting' my sexuality. Also, with my 'real life' friends, whom I 
trust completely, I've been very open. Anyway, I felt like I was totally 
surrounded by friends, and that I could speak freely and without fear of 
hateful judgment. Then, a few months ago something happened that changed 
my view of the world. Sounds dramatic doesn't it? Well, to me it was.

A month or so before the final high school exams I met a girl. She said 
she'd been dying to meet me. She'd seen me at a small local rock-concert 
and admitted she was directly attracted. So I went to her place that 
Saturday, and every day after that whenever I had the chance. (I had to 
study for the exams of course, but I did that as little as possible, 
which almost cost me my diploma...) Over the weeks to follow we fell in 
love. She told me she liked my independent way of thinking and listened 
to me. We listened to music together, we talked for hours about our 
family and troubles we had. We spent every minute together, and we made 
love together. I loved her more than anything in life. I would have 
killed for her if she asked me to. She told me I could fully trust her 
in everything and that she'd always love me. I believed her and trusted 
her. I told her more and more about myself. (By that time we had both 
got our high school diplomas) I also got to know and trust her family (I 
was there almost every day, for months...) and told them about my 
parents that were getting divorced and more things like that... you 
know, sensitive personal stuff that you wouldn't just tell anyone. I had 
also told her (not her family) about my feelings towards animals. She 
didn't seem at all bothered. Later that week she suggested to go on 
holidays together. You know, a week in a cheap hotel somewhere in the 
woods, in the hills. We'd see a lot of forest and a lot of each other. A 
few days later, on Saturday, I went to her place. I walked into the 
backyard and saw her family there. They were all smiling and laughing 
happily like the perfect family. She asked me to come up to her room and 
I did. She told me to sit down on the bed. She told me she was ending 
our relationship because we 'had different ways of thinking' about 
certain matters. It was as if a car had hit me. I couldn't breath for a 
few seconds. I broke down near-crying like a pathetic fool, and begged 
her to rethink. She wasn't even touched by the sight of my crying there, 
on my knees. As I left her room I noticed something. Her window was 
open. It never used to be open. And her family was sitting right beneath 
it, while they never sit in the garden. She had prepared a show for her 
family! But there was more entertainment planned for the evening. As I 
walked into the hallway, her father came towards me. He grabbed me by 
the throat. He literally said he'd beat me till I begged for mercy if I 
ever came near his daughter again. He kept screaming 'pervert, filthy 
pervert'. All the time that family that I had trusted completely was 
just standing there, around me, faintly smiling, enjoying the rage of 
the father. I was still too stunned by the whole affair to do anything 
at all. I just stood there, with dried tear stains on my cheeks. It must 
have been a sorry sight. I was literally chased from their street, his 
shouts and threats fading behind me. Weeks later, I heard that she had 
been spreading stories about me. She had told everything that I had told 
her in confidence to absolutely everyone who wanted to know, to the last 
detail. I had never felt such bitterness before. What did I do to 
deserve this treatment? I had never in my life done anything that could 
hurt her. She could have ended our relation discretely, and we could 
have parted as friends if she had wanted to. But she actually seemed to 
take pleasure out of humiliating me. I loved her more than life itself. 
How could I have been so mistaken in her personality?

A few weeks ago I was out camping with two friends. One of them I'll 
call Jay. Jay has a girlfriend I'll call Cat. Jay is one of my oldest 
friends. We went through puberty together. Shared porn-mags, experiences 
etc. He was very sexually oriented, like me. Then he met Cat. She was 
raised a good catholic, and totally against any form of 
pornography/eroticism. She'd actually get angry with Jay if he'd laugh 
at a 'dirty' joke. Jay immediately got rid of all erotic material he 
owned. He feared (rightly) that she might walk away from him if she'd 
ever find his personal stuff.  (Proof: When he recently told her that 
he'd had a subscription to Playboy Magazine three years ago, (even 
before he'd ever met her) she was so shocked she'd nearly ended their 
two-year relationship!) Although I saw the radical change in Jay over 
the past two years, I still trusted him with my secrets. I hated his 
girlfriend though. Well, that's not really true. She is nice in 
conversation, always smiling, but you have to be very careful what to 
say, because her mood can change very fast if the conversation touches a 
subject that might not be 'biblically correct'. I hated her for what I 
saw she was doing to Jay. How he was changing, to please her. Anyway, I 
called Cat's home some time ago, to find out if Jay was there. He 
wasn't, but I noticed something odd. She sounded angry, while usually 
she sounds very friendly on the phone. I paid no further attention to 
it, figuring she must have had a bad day or something. During the camp 
Jay told me he'd told Cat everything about me, including a lot of things 
he knew I didn't want her to know. I got very angry. If it was any other 
person he'd told it to, I wouldn't have, but Cat's a kind of person like 
an aunt or grandmother: You see her every once in a while, chat happily 
about nothing too deep, and then leave. It's no use telling people like 
Cat anything personal about me, because her mind is totally closed to 
anything her parents and the bible didn't teach her. I knew she'd tell 
her parents too, and every time I'd come around to their place they 
would be acting strange and uncomfortable. Sometimes it's just easier 
not to tell people too much about yourself. Just to keep the 
conversation light. Jay said he never kept any secrets from her. He told 
me that every time I talk to him, I'm also talking to Cat. I told him 
that if that was true, I wouldn't be telling him any more personal stuff 
in the future. So be it, he said. But I'm not the only one getting 
'trouble' here, and this is why I wrote this part about Cat and Jay in 
the first place: Because Jay and I have always been so close, Cat 
assumes that Jay is also somehow interested in bestiality. In her way of 
thinking: How can somebody be a friend to a bestialist and not be one 
himself? So now Jay is trying to 'prove' to his girl that he is not 
interested in anything besides straight sex with her, and that he has 
never in his life had any unbiblical fantasies. I don't believe it! How 
can such a relationship continue to exist?

After the anger at my friend had subsided, and I was alone, I started 
worrying. I ruined my own relationship and now almost that of one of my 
friends with that stupid 'sexual freedom and tolerance' shit I'm always 
preaching. When we were going home again a few days later I had a long 
talk with the other guy that was with me on the camping trip. I'll call 
him Jeff. I told him about my situation and how I felt. He told me he 
didn't approve of all the things I do, but if I really believed in what 
I stood for, I should never be sorry or ashamed of anything I do. 

I know he's right, but admitting sexual 'deviation' in public can get 
you into all kinds of trouble. I'm not talking legal affairs here, but 
social ones. Many people will express hate to others, just to show to 
the public that they don't share the same preferences. (like calling a 
gay man a 'faggot' to underline that you're not gay yourself) For many 
people it still seems to be very difficult to accept people for who and 
what they are. They don't understand that it's possible to have gay 
friends and not be gay yourself, and that you don't have to be 100% 
straight to love your girlfriend.

Some advice to people like me: Stand your ground when you have to, stay 
with your beliefs, but watch out 'cause bad news and gossip travels very 
fast. Be selective with the people you share your secrets with. Some 
people may not be so tolerant and broad-minded (and trustworthy) as they 
say they are. I used to say: "The truth will set you free" but lately 
I'm not too sure. I'm afraid that sometimes the truth is best kept to 
oneself.



If you have any questions, remarks, suggestions or experiences you'd 
like to share with me, please mail me: my_animals@hotmail.com



Greets, 
     -LongMane
