## contradulations are in order....YOUR A FUCKING FREAK! :-)

Added Sunday, July 27, 1997

I got this e-mail on July 14, 1997:

> Subject: contradulations are in order....YOUR A FUCKING FREAK! :-)

> I represent Canadians against FREAKS. YOu have been chosen our fucking
> wierdo of the month. We have thousands of members and every fucking one
> of them said you were the biggest freak on the WWW. I hope you put this
> on your Awards page, because many people respect our cause. Which is
> the extermination of FREAKS...like you. If you wish to contact me on my
> home phone #, [snip], if you wish to fax me, fax me at
> [snip]. We also have a 1-800 line at 1-800-[snip]. I hope
> this has been inlightning. And maybe one day our cause will be met,
> thank you for reading my E-mail

My response follows:

Hi [snip],

>I represent Canadians against FREAKS.

Too bad you also represent Canadians Against Orthography. :) Your subject line should read "Congratulations are in order...YOU'RE A FUCKING FREAK!" (note the capitalized C, the "grat" instead of "trad," the unnecessary ellipis point, and the added apostrophe in "you're." We really have to get you into remedial spelling 101, eh? :)

BTW, I initially wondered why you'd capitalized the word FREAKS, until I realized it was an acronym for "Fur Really Excites: Animals Kiss Splendidly" or "Fondlers of Randy Equines And K-9 Squads" or "Fellating Rover Extremely Awesome: Killer Semen." So true, it must be said.

>YOu have been chosen our fucking wierdo of the month.

Sadly, I do comparatively little f*cking, in fact it's safe to say I do no f*cking whatsoever. It's a shame to admit it, with all these beautiful dogs and horses around me, but I am a virgin. <very big sigh> So I'm not really a "fucking wierdo" (oh, and by the way, it's spelled "weirdo"), just a virginal weirdo. Which, come to think of it, really _is_ quite weird, seeing as most people my age have gotten laid, oh, somewhere around a thousand times by now. Of course, I have better things to do than just warm my wiener, or to answer flames from people whose intellect is clearly inferior to the average US congressdrone. Come to think of it, isn't your PGP sig the same as Senator Exon? <shrug> Maybe it's just my imagination.

>We have thousands of members and every fucking one
>of them said you were the biggest freak on the WWW.

Ah! Well, there's your problem. You only polled the members who were getting boffed on a regular basis. Since that's limited to...well, I don't think it would include you...maybe, what, a couple folks?...then maybe they're just jealous that my lovers bark and whinny, whereas theirs simply ask, "Is it in yet?" And actually, I'm disappointed you chose me as the biggest freak, because there are so many people who are more qualified. The most effective way to find them is to get a directory of the Conservative Coalition, flip to a random page, and throw a dart at it. Your guess is as good as mine. Satisfying, too.

>I hope you put this on your Awards page, because many people respect our cause.

Sorry, I don't have an awards page yet, but if more people think I'm a freak, well, I might create one. God knows I don't want to censor freedom of expression. Come to think of it, I do have an awards page after all. It's called my Flame Retorts page, where I hand out awards to people who have even less of a social life than I do. Not a pleasant prospect, to be sure. And guess what: you're our newest recipient! :)

And these people who respect your cause...refresh my memory: are these the ones that _are_ getting laid, or the ones who aren't?

>Which is the extermination of FREAKS...like you.

Awww. Don't you know that all those aerosol cans are bad for the ozone layer? Use a big flyswatter instead. Or maybe you could invent a Zoo Motel, you know, like a Roach Motel? It would have a big fence around it, with animals inside, and a big field of that sticky stuff I can't remember the name of. The slogan could be, "Zoos jump in, but they don't jump out!" Hmmm. Actually, skip the sticky stuff: if you give us a field of animals in heat, we'll be stuck there of our own free will. After all, animals need afterplay, too. :)

>If you wish to contact me on my home phone #, [snip], if you wish
>to fax me, fax me at [snip].

Not a chance, though I admit I was tempted. :)

>We also have a 1-800 line at 1-800-[snip].

Sorry, that wasn't available from my calling area. Maybe you need a number for US residents. :)

>I hope this has been inlightning.

Not so far, but it has been <ahem> "enlightening."

>And maybe one day our cause will be met

Oh, is that the extermination thing? You know, life without freaks would be awfully boring. Geraldo would probably have to find a real job, which is a frightening thing to think of. I mean, what else can he do?

>thank you for reading my E-mail

Yah, sure, ya betcha, eh? Keep yer stick on the ice.

visits since 8/9/97

Flames -- Updated Sunday, July 27, 1997 -- E-mail Actaeon