    "The 69 Sweet Bitch Song (Beastie Movies)"
    ...a song parody by Actaeon

    (Based loosely on Simon & Garfunkel's "The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)")

    (Written and posted 10/3/97)

    Slow down, you screw too fast
    You got to make the foreplay last
    Just take your time and turn her on
    I really hate these beastie movies

    I read the alt groups Friday night
    Not a proper post in sight
    Just "see my website, cum real soon"
    And plenty of ads for beastie movies

       (Chorus)
       I got no love of porn, no videos to sell
       Those ASB spammers can all go to hell
       Let me love my companions with TV turned off
       It's them that I need, not beastie movies

       Blah-blah-blah blah blah blah blah...beastie movies

    "So-and-so's a fraud!" they say
    That's what happens when you pay
    Sixty bucks for half an hour
    That's one of the cheaper beastie movies

    I've seen a film with a man and his deer
    At least I think so: it's not clear
    What's he doing? The film's so pale
    Why do I buy these beastie movies?

       (Chorus)
       I've no private footage that I'd like to trade
       Those porn site promoters think they've got it made
       Posting 40-part MPEGs that don't show a thing
       Except the lame content of beastie movies

       Blah-blah-blah blah blah blah blah...beastie movies

    Here's a stallion with a gal
    She's so clueless, she's no pal
    He's all limp, and getting bored
    Think I'll erase my beastie movies

    That mare's hobbled and tied to a fence
    If she's not eager, there's no sense
    She'll come around, just give her time
    Make love, not worn-out beastie movies

    Here's a goat, down in Brazil
    He looks annoyed, ready to kill
    Take out the girl and give him a doe
    Animal love beats beastie movies

       (Chorus)
       They don't love their partners, not one little bit
       They see them as objects and don't give a shit
       To them it's just porn and a quick source of cash
       I'm getting real tired of beastie movies

       Blah-blah-blah blah blah blah blah...beastie movies

    Ah, the wolfhound of "Wilma" fame
    She has to help him, what a shame
    It takes three men to hold him down
    What is the point of these beastie movies?

    Her dog is hung, that's very true
    But he doesn't know quite what to do
    The cameraman must guide him in
    Yet keep his hand out of the beastie movie

    Dogs must hate those untrained whores
    They way they grab him, he'll be sore
    You hear him whine, you see him squirm
    Typical fare in beastie movies

       (Chorus)
       Play me a movie where love's in the air
       And human and animal show that they care
       More about making love than a quick fifty bucks
       Then I might buy your beastie movie

       Blah-blah-blah blah blah blah blah...beastie movies

    That's not what his nostril's for
    I doubt he wants to snort your score
    Let him breathe, and play real nice
    Just say no nose jobs in beastie movies

    He holds a chicken in his hands
    But his girlfriend must prep his glans
    He can't get it up without her help
    Now that's what I call a beastie movie

    I can't believe the things I've seen
    From anus to eyeball and inbetween
    Every body part gets used
    All for the sake of a beastie movie

       (Chorus)
       Now, I can't claim to know which species' best
       Or which body parts should be used with the rest
       But it seems that the animals should have some say
       If they don't, then you've made a beastie movie

       Blah-blah-blah blah blah blah blah...beastie movies

    "Move your leg," her hubby shouts
    "And when you come, make sure to pout"
    With these instructions, and zero style
    You, too, can make a beastie movie

    "I want to see his thing go in
    Remember, now, we're filming sin
    If you dribble his semen out of your mouth
    We'll make a mint with this beastie movie."

    Why must the women all moan and scream
    And when men come, they show the stream
    They shoot their load into the air
    Grab an umbrella for beastie movies

       (Chorus)
       We all know the physics that makes people come
       So all of that moaning just strikes us as dumb
       Let us hear the mare grunting; let us hear the stud squeal
       Let us see no more lame-ass beastie movies

       Blah-blah-blah blah blah blah blah...beastie movies

    Wait a minute, something new...
    What a kiss: this girl's a zoo!
    She loves her dog, it's not a fake
    This is no standard beastie movie

    They play together in a shaded wood
    She touches him the way she should
    The camera shows the entire scene
    Not like the close-ups in beastie movies

    On her back, her hips held high
    Belly to belly, they quickly tie
    She sighs and smiles, and kneads his fur
    They're in love and feelin' groovy!

       (Chorus)
       I've just seen lovers, the way they should be
       With full-body filming to prove he and she
       Are life partners for real, not just on TV
       This is what's needed in beastie movies!

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Index -- Added Friday, October 3, 1997 -- E-mail Actaeon