Tech:

Cheetah:  Director
Nightfox: Lights
Jaryic:   Sound
Akeela:   Support

Puppeteers / Actors:

Cheetah:   Narrator, voice from director's desk
           Ghost of Last Christmas Gone By
Lynard:    Lionel Scritchie, Lion, shades
Eisfuchs:  Lori, Fox
           F. I. A. Chief. Raccoon, tie, no hat
           Voice of Purifier Manual
Fairlight: Poke, Ferret
           Kermit, Frog
Nightfox:  Fred (off)
Zefiro:    Smith, Raccoon, hat
Alcia:     Wesson, Raccoon, hat
Thalian:   Himself (Wolf)
Jaryic:    Helpline
           Ghost Operator, The all friendly "not available" voice

Props:

* Purifier
* Television set
* Office Desk with lamp and pen holder
* Flip Chart with pictures of Lionel, Lori and Poke
* Tin cans, boxes, and other stuff for the alley
* Trashcans
* Telephone
* Hats for the Agents
* Lectern (Speech Desk)
* Microphone
* Fanfold Paper
* Magic Crystal Ball
* Candles
* Magic Book
* Mosquito net
* Wall separating the rooms
* Tape Machine
* Headphones
* Super Soaker
* Cloth
* Poke's Toys
* Double Headed vibrator

Stages:

F. I. A. Hall:   Lectern, microphone, fanfold paper
Living Room:     Television, telephone, table with flower pot, door to Lori's room in the background
F. I. A. Office: Desk with lamp and pen holder
Alley:           Three garbage cans, tin cans, other litter
Seance Room:     Table with crystal ball, mosquito net above the table, candles, magic book
Radio Shack:     Cash register
Poke's Room:     A wall separating this room from the Living Room

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Introduction                                                             Act 1
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
F. I. A. Meeting, The Plan                                           Scene 1.1
Puppets: Chief
People: Audience
Stage: F. I. A. Hall
Music: ?
Sounds: ?

The audience sits in front of the lectern, a microphone stands there. Next to the Chief is a stack of fanfold paper, the upper sheets are glued to the top of the stage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ Lights out fading in dark blue on the stage during the Narrator's speech.

Narrator: "No one would have believed in the first years of the 21st century, that furry affairs were being watched from the timeless world of gloomy government offices. No one could have dreamed that we were being scrutinized as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. Few of us even considered the possibility of anyone being interested in us, and yet, across the data stream of the world wide networks, minds immeasurably more arrogant than ours regarded the fandom with envious eyes. And slowly and surely they drew their plans against us. At midnight, on the 17th of August 2002 a huge mass of nameless secret agents gathered in the hall of the F. I. A., deeply hidden beneath the dark streets of the sleeping city."

@ Spotlight on the Chief

Chief: "Ladies and Gentlemen, dear comrades! The F. I. A. dares to protest and speak out against what's wrong with furry fandom, and call for a stop to the inaction and indifference and the brutal silencing of those who tell the truth: We are living in a community that has been corrupted, corrupted by perverts who engage in behavior and activities that would be considered as being socially embarrassing and having dubious moral and legal status. I remember when being a pervert was being a bad thing."

* Audience applauds and cheers.

Chief: "If you were insane, you'd try to hide it - and good for you, if you did! If you decided to crawl out on the roof and inform the neighborhood via midnight megaphone that being urinated on got you hot, you would be told in no uncertain terms, how very diseased you were. In many parts of the world the idea of making love to Amy the Squirrel is still regarded as somewhat misguided. Most parts, that is - except Furry Fandom."

* Audience boos and agrees.

Chief: "I don't know, what the hell happened here."

Audience: "Oooooooh!"

$ Drum-Rolls of snare drums in the background, March like

Chief: "Live - and let live is an excellent tree-hugging philosophy, but it doesn't do much, when the ones, you refused to kill, are dragging you down with them! If you like animal based stories, cartoons or artwork, you are a furry, and like it or not, today, furry means pervert! And this didn't come out of nowhere. You would not believe some of the baggage the term 'furry' has taken on! Comrades, we have a mission!"

* Audience cheers.

Chief: "This fandom has to be purified! We shall institute ourselves as a monkey wrench in the gears of mainstream fandom - to improve it, or to destroy it."

* The Chief makes a brief stop.

Chief: "I have here a list! A *list* of the members of furry fandom!"

* The chief knocks off the paper stack, unfolding it completely.

Chief: "Dare to stand up with me, comrades, breaking the furry code of silence! Stand up! Speak out, and fight back!"

Audience: [together] "Save Furry Fandom!"

@ Lights fade out

$ Military fanfare, fading into softer music.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boredom in the Dorm                                                  Scene 1.2
Puppets: Lori, Lionel Scritchie, Poke
People: none
Stage: Living Room
Music: The Road to El Dorado
Sounds: Television
Narrator: ?

Lori and Lionel are watching TV. The MTV furry report is on.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lionel: "What the hell are they talking about? I can't believe my eyes! This is not what Furry fandom is about. Where did they find such misfits?"

Lori: "Oh what a disaster! This is so horrible! What will all my friends say? Everyone I know is going to watch this tonight!"

Lionel: "Aw, come on! They are so obviously lying, no one will believe them. And this is MTV. People will have forgotten about that by next week."

Lori: "Just remember the report about Live Action Role Players! It was the topic for more than two weeks, and boy, what did we laugh about them!"

* Poke enters the room.

Poke: "Hi everyone, I'm home! You won't believe what I-"

* Poke sees the report.

Poke: "Hey, cool! Gay Plushie Fursuit Porn on TV! Did you think of recording it? Whoa! Look what that fat guy on the right is doing! Quick! Turn on the VCR! We *have* to record that!"

Lori: "Poke, you moron! Don't you see what you're doing? The entire school will laugh about me and you don't give a damn about that!"

Poke: "Whoa! Hey! Is it possible that our little vixy is a tiny bit uptight today? Or is it that time of month again?"

Lori: "No, it is not that time of the month. And even if it were, this had nothing to do with the fact, that you are acting like a perverted, sex-crazed maniac again, and we have to pay for it!"

Poke: "I'm just building on my reputation."

Lionel: "Poke, don't you think, that it's enough for today?"

Poke: "Hey, it's not my fault that Miss Sheltered Childhood over there is so keen on political correctness that she flinches each and every time when someone says the word 'sex'."

* Lori flinches.

Lori: "*eep!*"

Poke: "See? SEX!"

* Lori flinches.

Lori: "*eep!*"

Poke: "SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX!"

* Lori flinches.

Lori: "*eep* *eep* *eep* *eep*"

Lionel: [annoyed] "Poke! CUT IT OUT! Would you mind going outside and chill?"

Poke: "What's your problem, fluffy kitty? Don't get your mane all curled up, just because I give Miss PG-Bitch-Voop something to chew on."

* Lori starts to cry.

Lionel: [angry] "I said, OUT! *roar!*"

$ Lion roar

* Poke leaves the house, muttering and cursing under his breath.

* Lionel goes over to Lori and starts to reassure her.

Lionel: "Come on, Lori. Calm down. You know how he is ..."

@ Lights fade out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
F. I. A. Meeting, About Publicity                                    Scene 1.3
Puppets: Chief, Smith
Stage: F. I. A. Office
Props: Flip Chart
Sounds: ?

The Chief is sitting in the F. I. A. office.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

$ Door knocks

Chief: "Come in!"

* Smith comes on the stage.

Smith: "You called for me, Chief?"

Chief: "Ah, Special Agent Smith! Please, come in. Mr. Smith, I've got a very special assignment for you. As you know we've been infiltrating the media, making sure, that those 'furries' get all the bad press they deserve. So far, our propaganda and media manipulation has been a great success. The reputation of individuals engaging in activities that are contrary to our goals has worsened considerably."

Smith: "This is good news, Sir."

Chief: "Mr. Smith, I'd like to introduce you to a small community of furries we've been observing over the last few months. It consists of three persons."

* The chief flips a photograph of Lionel Scritchie on the flip chart reading a book.

Chief: "Firstly, there is Lionel Scritchie. He is the oldest one in the house. Intelligent, rational, and hard to influence, but since he is not engaging in any activities we need to worry about, we can safely ignore him."

* brief pause.

Chief: "Secondly, there is Lori."

* The Chief turns over the page to Lori, wearing a pink bow.

* Smith whistles in appreciation.

Chief: "She is a brilliant example of how our technique works. Our manipulation of the media has taken full effect on her. She is probably the most innocent being on earth, but after constant exposure to our propaganda, she feels so filthy that she started showering five times a day. Piece of cake."

Smith: "That's great, Sir!"

Chief: "Of course it is. However, there is one big problem."

* The Chief turns the page to Poke, wearing his drag outfit.

Chief: "Now have a look this piece of work. This is Poke, the ferret. 21 years old, wears shoe size 5 1/2, uses more pornography than toilet paper, third time winner of the annual Castro Street Memorial Drag Queen Contest, furry lifestyler. He has three hobbies: cursing at Lori, watching pornography and getting laid. God knows how he is able to pay his rent. He is the impersonated testosterone on legs. All balls, no brains."

Smith: "Oh God, that sounds awful! And how did the project work on him?"

Chief: "That's the problem. We're in trouble. As I said, he is all balls, no brains. Our method only works on people with brains."

Smith: "And where do I come in?"

Chief: "We have to take other measures."

* The Chief puts the Purifier on the desk.

Chief: "This is your weapon of choice. The Purifier! Go and sneak up on him, and flash him with the Purifier. He will never know what hit him. You heard my orders. That's all. You're dismissed."

Smith: "Sir! Yes, Sir."

* Smith picks up the Purifier and goes.

Chief: "Oh, Agent Smith?"

Smith: "Yes, Sir?"

Chief: "Before you use the purifier, read THE MANUAL!"

Smith: "Um ... Alright!"

@ Lights Out

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Poke gets Flashed                                                    Scene 1.4
Puppets: Poke, Lori, Smith
Stage: Alley
Props: Purifier
Music: Lefty, the Salesman, Sesame Street
Sounds: Crash

The back alley is littered with boxes, tin cans and other rubbish. Three garbage cans are standing in a row.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Secret agent Smith enters, places the Purifier somewhere near the third garbage can behind the stage and then hides in this can.

* Poke enters the scene from the opposite direction, walking towards the first garbage can.

Poke: "It's always me who gets kicked out of the house. It's so unfair! Why can't those fucking boneheads stand the damn fucking truth? *Grrrr!*"

* Poke kicks away the first garbage can. Then he walks on towards the second one.

Poke: "It's all about Lori! Lori, Lori, Lori! And who cares about me? Fucking no one cares about me! Maybe I should take Thalian's offer and move out. I'm so fucking fed up with this fucking shit!"

* He kicks the second can away and walks on to the third can.

Poke: "Stop saying this! Stop doing that! 'Oh, puuh-leeez! Could you pick up your socks from the kitchen table?' - 'Poke! You smell like a ferret again!' - 'Poke, have you been sniffing my underwear again?'. I can't stand it anymore! They're not fucking leaving me any fucking fun in my life! What the fucking damn fuckheads are those fuckers-"

* Poke reaches the third garbage can and aims to kick it.

* Lori's voice comes from the off.

Lori: [off] "Poke!"

* Poke stops.

Poke: "Oh, fuck! Here comes the biggest fuck of all. Uh, well, I'm pretty sure, she never-"

Lori: "Poke! Wait, please!"

* Lori enters the scene from where Poke had come from, panting.

Poke: "What do *you* want?"

Lori: "Poke, I'm so sorry! I want to apologize for all I was saying."

Poke: "Oh, the little Bitch-Voop wants to apologize! Isn't this sweet! You can apologize to your grandma, or try that mirror-mirror on your wall! It's always the same: First you insult me, then you pretend to be sorry for it! Next time don't apologize but rather don't let out your sexual frustrations on me in the *first* place!"

* Poke kicks away the third garbage can

* Smith goes flying.

Smith: "Whoaaaaaaaaa!"

Lori: "Hey! I only see one person being frustrated here!"

Poke: "Uh, shut up! Leave me alone! I'm outta here!"

* Poke turns and goes away.

Lori: "Okay, fine! If that's what you want! I couldn't care less about you! Go! Go ahead! Don't let the door hit your tail on your way out! I don't care about you!"

* Poke trips over something, where the Purifier is, and falls into the off

Poke: "Wooaaaah!"

$ Loud crashing noises of stuff falling down.

* Lori runs to the Purifier.

Lori: [gasp] "Poke! Poke! Everything alright? Are you okay? Poke! Speak to me!"

Poke: [off] "Ow! I tripped over something!"

* Poke reappears and places the Purifier on the stage.

Lori: "What is this thing? Let me see."

Poke: "I found it, it's mine!"

Lori: "I just wanna see, what it is!"

Poke: "Girls have no way with technology! I'm gonna keep it! Get away from it."

* They are playing tug-of-war with the Purifier.

Lori: "Let it go!"

Poke: "No, it's mine!"

$ Music "Queen / Flash" starts playing.

* The Purifier flashes and Poke and Lori fall into the off

Lori: "Aaah!"

Poke: "Aaah!"

$ The secret Agents sing 'Flash".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In search for the real Poke                                              Act 2
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The New Poke                                                         Scene 2.1
Puppets: Lori, Lionel, Poke
Stage: Living Room
Music: ?
Sound: Trailer

Lionel sits in the living room in front of the TV.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Lori comes in and drags the unconscious Poke behind her at the tail.

Lionel: "Oh! Is Poke drunk again? It's only 3 p.m. That's a new record."

Lori: "Um ... Not exactly."

Lionel: "So, what happened then?"

Lori: "It's not my fault! I don't know what happened!"

Lionel: "Lori, please ..."

Lori: "Well, I was looking for him and found him in the alley behind the house, and then there was this bright flash and ..."

* Poke groans and wakes slowly.

Poke: "I'm feeling most peculiar."

Lori: "Did you hear what I just heard?"

Lionel: "Are you sure that this is Poke?"

* Lori sniffs.

Lori: "Sure smells like him."

Poke: "Oh gross! I feel so filthy!"

* Lionel turns to Lori.

Lionel: "Lori, now tell me exactly what happened!"

Lori: "He - he just collapsed!"

Lionel: "Yes, but before that! I want to know every detail!"

Lori: "Oh! Well, I got up this morning and found that my fur was a complete mess. So I started to brush my fur, but then I saw this big spot to the right of my nose-"

Lionel: "Lori! I mean, what happened since you came into the alley!"

Lori: "Oh! Why didn't you ask me that earlier?"

Lionel: "Never mind. Just tell me now."

Lori: "I followed him into this alley to cheer him up a bit and talk it over. But he didn't want to listen and went away. Then he tripped over something. When I ran up to him I found this strange thing lying next to him."

* Lori puts the Purifier on the table.

Lori: "I wanted to have a look at it but Poke didn't want to give it to me, so we went back and forth a bit and then there was this bright flash, and we fell to the ground."

Lionel: "What is this'?"

Lori: "I don't know. It was just lying in the alley."

Poke: "Oh Lori! You're looking beautiful today!"

Lori: [getting upset] "Why, you stinking, butt-faced, f..."

* Lori stops shortly

Lori: "What did you say?"

Poke: "I like how you made up your fur!"

Lori: "Oh, Poke! Why, thank you!"

Lionel: "Can anyone pinch my tail? Am I dreaming?"

Poke: "Gee! What a beautiful day! I think, I'll go and clean the kitchen."

* Poke goes off

$ Dish washing noises in the background.

* Lori and Lionel look at each other in confusion.

Lionel: "I don't know, what has gotten into him, but he seems alright. Show me this strange thing."

* Lori gives the Purifier to Lionel.

Lionel: "Hm ... I can't see what this may be for. Could be part of his bizarre toy collection. He's keeping all kinds of strange stuff in his room. We can ask him when he comes back."

@ Lights out

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
F. I. A., a new Task                                                 Scene 2.2
Puppets: Chief, Smith
Stage: F. I. A. Office
Sounds: ?

F. I. A. headquarters.

The Chief sits at his desk.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Smith enters the office.

Chief: "Agent Smith! I see you've returned from your mission. Please report."

Smith: "Umm ... The subject got flashed, just like you ordered, Sir."

Chief: "Oh, that's very good. So you *are* able to complete a job after all! I started wondering. But you've done well. Now give me back the Purifier. We'll keep the suspect under close supervision to see, if all works like planned."

Smith: "Um ... I'm afraid, I also have got some bad news, Sir ... I only got to flash him once."

Chief: "Uh, Agent Smith ... I should have known. But you know that you have to flash him twice. It's in the Manual: 'First burn, then fixate'. Otherwise the effect can be reversed, and we don't want that, do we?"

Smith: "Of course not, Sir."

Chief: "Mr. Smith, you've had your chance. I'm very disappointed of you. I'm going to appoint Agent Wesson to complete this job. So, give me the Purifier, so I can hand it over to Mr. Wesson."

Smith: "Uh, yes, the Purifier. You mean, *that* Purifier?"

Chief: "Yes, *that* Purifier. Give it to me, now!"

Smith: "Well ... um ... Due to certain circumstances beyond my control ... um ... I lost hold of the Purifier."

Chief: "Agent Smith, are you honestly trying to tell me that you've lost the Purifier? This can't be! Where is it?"

Smith: "Uh ... I'm afraid, the ferret took it with him."

Chief: "The *ferret* has it? This ... this is ... WESSON!"

* Agent Wesson enters the office.

Wesson: "Is there anything ..."

* Wesson looks at Smith.

Wesson: "Oh, I see. What's wrong?"

Chief: [angry] "The ferret has the Purifier!"

Wesson: "The ferret? How come? No, don't tell me. I think, I guessed it already."

Chief: "Mr. Wesson, I want this job completed by tomorrow morning, or you'll be both back to cleaning public restrooms by tomorrow night. Did I make myself clear?"

Wesson: "Crystal, Sir."

* Smith and Wesson leave the office.

* The Chief breaks down on the desk, crying.

Chief: [sob] "They are all so stupid, [sniff] and I'm their boss!"

@ Lights out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bad side of being good                                           Scene 2.3
Puppets: Lionel, Lori, Poke
Stage: Living Room
Props: chess board, video tape
Music: ?
Sounds: ?

Lori and Lionel are sitting in the living room, playing chess.

The video tape stands next to the TV on the stage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

$ Clattering dishes coming from the off

* Lionel makes his move on the chess board, taking one of her pieces.

$ click

Lionel: "Check."

* Lori glances past Lionel at the ceiling.

Lori: "Oh, look up there, an obvious distraction!"

* Lionel looks up.

Lionel: "Where is it? I can't see no obvious-"

* Lori drops the game board to the floor

$ Falling game stones

Lori: "Whoops! Clumsy me!"

Poke: [off] "So, work is done. The kitchen is all nice and clean now. And you know what? Tomorrow I'll be making waffles!"

* Lori and Lionel look to the back of the stage.

Lionel: "That sounds great!"

Lori: "Thank you, Poke!"

* Lionel walks over and switches on the TV.

$ Trailer music of the TV show starts.

Lionel: "Poke! Our favorite TV show is on in a few minutes!"

Lori: "We already brought Potato Chips and Cola!"

Trailer: "And now see a new episode of 'Nude Space Vixens from Venus versus the Bondage Bunnies from Mars!' Presented by the James Hardiman Film Fund. Starring Eric W. Schwartz and Michael Higgs".

* Poke enters the room and looks at the TV in shock.

Poke: "What is this?"

Lori: "Our favorite TV show! You always liked to watch it."

Poke: "These times are over!"

Lori: "But ..."

Lionel: "But ..."

Poke: "No Discussion!"

* Poke walks over to the TV and switches it off. Then he sees the video tape.

Poke: "And what is this video tape?"

Lionel: "We recorded the rerun of the Gay Plushie Fursuit Porn report. We thought you'd like to watch it later."

Poke: "Uh ... That's disgusting! How could you even *think* I might enjoy such a show?"

* Lionel sniffs.

Lionel: "Wait ... Is there anything burning here?"

Poke: [gasp!] "My Duck al'orange! In the oven!"

* Poke disappears from the stage.

* Lionel and Lori sigh together deeply.

Lori: "You know what? I really miss our old Poke."

@ Lights out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
F. I. A., In search of the Purifier                                  Scene 2.4
Puppets: Smith, Wesson
Stage: F. I. A. Office
Sounds: ?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wesson: "You know, sometimes it's really hard to be your partner! Every time you screw up, I get kicked in the butt for it! The boss was really angry this time."

Smith: "But it wasn't my fault! It was just bad luck!"

Wesson: "Yeah, right! It's never your fault. Just like last time, when we were about to bust that Gang of Furry Pornographers and I spent three hours to place the microphone in that big guy's cocktail cherry!"

Smith: "Yeah, what was wrong with that?"

Wesson: "You gave him the wrong glass and ate the cherry! I kept listening to your stomach bubbling for two hours flat and didn't understand a single word!"

Smith: "Hey, I said I was sorry! We're undercover agents and I was just trying to stay in character! When the guy invited me to pop some cherry, I didn't want to be impolite. So I popped the cherry into my mouth and-"

Wesson: [interrupts] "Alright, alright. *I give up*. It's not like I have a choice, anyway. We must see how we can reverse the damage you've done and finish the god-damn job, or the boss will bite our heads off and will take our fuzzy behinds on a roller coaster ride through the Himalaya!"

Smith: "Oh, I hate this guy. He's treating us like worthless scavengers."

Wesson: "Smith, you *are* a scavenger."

Smith: "Well, yes, but not worthless."

Wesson: "Whatever."

Smith: "Don't 'whatever' me. You could rather tell me, what we are going to do next."

Wesson: "That ferret needs to be properly converted! We have to get the Purifier back and flash him the second time."

Smith: "But ... How are we going to do it?"

Wesson: [confident} "Unless you screw up again, this is going to be easy. *You* sneak up on him from behind and I'll grab the Purifier from his paws and ... flash! When he wakes up again, he won't remember a single thing."

Smith: [embarrassed] "Uh ... well ... There is a tiny little thing about the Purifier that I didn't dare to mention in front of the boss ..."

Wesson: "Smith ... Why is it always that my head starts to hurt when I'm talking to you? What is it this time?"

Smith: "The batteries are empty! They won't have enough power for another flash. I - like - umm - forgot to recharge them yesterday."

Wesson: "They are going to kill us!"

$ Ba da da dammmm

@ Lights out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Psychological Hotline                                                Scene 2.5
Puppets: Lionel, Lori
Stage: Living Room
Sounds: Telephone

Lionel and Lori are in the living room.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lori: "What are we going to do now? Lionel, I know, it sounds strange, but I want the old Poke back."

Lionel: "What's the problem? He changed a bit, but I think it was for the better."

Lori: "You have no idea! He is making me mad! Do you know what he did? He threw out all my lipsticks and cosmetics. Not to mention the other stuff."

Lionel: "What other stuff?"

Lori: "Uh - you know - the really other stuff."

Lionel: "Lori! You!?"

Lori: "Uh - you know ..."

Poke: [off] "Lionel! I've got to talk to you!"

* Lionel turns to the voice.

Lionel: "I'm busy!"

* Lionel turns back to Lori.

Lionel: "So, what are you up to?"

Lori: "I found something in the latest issue of Vanity Fair. They have set up a psychological hotline for desperate furries!"

Lionel: "Vanity Fair? But Lori! Do you really want to call the hotline of a magazine that portrays furries like you and me as perverted nutcases who watch sleazy artwork and make out with their plushies?"

Lori: "Yes, well, I thought ... you know ... Let's face it. Poke actually *is* - or rather - *was* a perverted nutcase who-"

Lionel: "Oh, come on! You should know that these kinds of hotlines are just tricks to rip off clueless people. You don't expect to get real help from a bogus telephone helpline, do you?"

Poke: [off] "LIONEL! I need to talk to you NOW! Immediately! PRRRRONTO!"

Lionel: [to the voice] "What the heck is wrong?"

Poke: [off] "I was just cleaning up your room, and guess what I found under your bed? I demand an explanation! This is so disgusting!"

Lionel: "WHAT!? What are you doing under my bed?"

Poke: [off] "As long as I'm living here this is going to be a decent household! And you'll go blind from doing this too often!"

Lionel: "Grrr! This goes too far! Lori, call the hotline!"

Poke: [off] "True love can wait!"

* Lori goes over to the phone.

Lionel: "Turn on the speakers, so I can listen."

@ Lights out only spot on Lionel, Lori, and the phone.

* Lori dials

$ beep beep beep beep

Helpline: "Welcome to the Vanity Fair Psychiatric helpline. If you are obsessive compulsive please press 1 repeatedly. If you are suffering from severe anxiety please ask someone else to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice in your head will tell you which number to press. If you've got Alzheimer's disease, just forget about it. If you have problems with a desperately misguided furry, press 9."

Lionel: "That's us. Press 9!"

* Lori presses 9.

$ beep!

Helpline: "This call will cost you 50$ a minute. Please hold the line."

$ Waiting music

Helpline: "Please hold the line."

$ Waiting music

$ Cash register sound

Helpline: "This is the Psychiatrical helpline for really desperate furries. Please state the nature of your problem."

Lori: "Yes, please! You've got to help me! I'm really desperate!"

$ Sounds accompanying the text.

@ Lights resembling a green ambience

Helpline: "Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows the secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called 'The World'. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily see the head of the person you are pushing under water."

$ bubbling, gurgling

$ Sound off

@ Lights out spot only

Helpline: "There, now! Feeling better?"

Lori: "No. Well ... We've got some form of mental illness here."

Helpline: "One out of four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Check three friends. If they're okay, then it's you."

Lori: "Uh - Doctor, I get the feeling, that you don't give a damn about anything I say."

Helpline: "So?"

Lori: "Look! We're really desperate! We've got a big problem with a friend."

Helpline: "A friend? Is he furry?"

Lori: "Yeah."

Helpline: "Has he shown any sudden changes of behavior?"

Lori: "Sure."

Helpline: "Is he either a ferret or another form of mustelid?"

Lori: "Yes, that's him!"

Helpline: "Is he 21 years old and wears shoe size 5 1/2?"

Lori: "Yes! Yes!"

Helpline: "I'm sorry, Ma'am! In this case, I can't help you."

Lori: "Oh, please, have a heart! We really need your help!"

* Lori starts to cry.

Helpline: "Um ... Ma'am, please! Stop! No ... Well ... Alright, alright! I'm not officially allowed to do this, but ... Oh, well ... Please, hold the line."

$ beep

Lionel: "What's happening now?"

Lori: "I don't know!"

$ click! Badooom!

# Fog comes up

@ Blue spot

Helpline: "Welcome to Mama Muerte's Voodoo Helpline for the really desperate and really misguided furries."

$ Badaaboom. Voodoo-Sounds

$ horror music

Lori: "Listen, please!"

Helpline: "Silence! You shall not speak until the oracle has questioned you! I feel great disturbance of the power. You have called me because a friend of yours has shown sudden changes of behavior."

Lori: "How do you know?"

Helpline: "We just know. But maybe next time your ferret friend should turn off cookies in his web browser, before visiting erotic web sites."

Lori: "Oh."

Helpline: "Was this change preceded by a bright flash of light from a mysterious artifact?"

Lori: "Yes, it was."

Helpline: "I see. There are only two ways you can get through this alone. The first thing you have to try is to call the ghost of his former self, which is still walking among the lost souls of the dead. If that fails, there is only one other way for you. It takes extreme courage because it's very dangerous. You must go and join the dark side of the fur and challenge your friend with your new found evil powers, so he will find back to his former self. But beware! The dark side of the fur is powerful and tempting. Don't lose yourself to the dark side."

Lori: "But - this all sounds so dangerous! If we fail, what can we do then?"

Helpline: [very casual voice] "Of course, you don't *have* to go through all this alone. For just a very low fee you can bring your friend to our office and our trained witch doctors will happily be of help. During the last five years our success rate has been unmatched by any other professional exorcism institution. You can come anytime during our consultation hours, every night from dusk till dawn."

Lori: "Uh - alright. Where can we find you?"

Helpline: "2436 Main Street, just next to the F. I. A. building."

Lori: "Thank you."

Helpline: "Goodbye."

$ click. beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

@ Normal light.

$ Music off

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The real Helpline                                                    Scene 2.6
Puppets: Smith, Wesson
Stage: F. I. A. Office
Props: Headphone, tape device
Sounds: ?

Agent Smith and Agent Wesson are sitting next to a big tape device. Wesson
wears headphones.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Smith: "I can't believe it! She really fell for it! Wesson, this was a brilliant idea! But what, if they try to call the ghost of the ferret and walk to the dark side of the fur?"

Wesson: "Oh, Smith, grow up! This was only to fool them. We made it *all* up! Stuff like that doesn't exist. No matter if they try it or not. Sooner or later, they show up here. And then we'll get them all at once!"

Smith: "And then we will get promoted to the top staff of the F. I. A. and we can treat our boss like he is treating us now!"

* Smith and Wesson laugh loudly.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Good and the Bad                                                     Act 3
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Ghost of Poke's past                                             Scene 3.1
Puppets: Lori, Lionel, Kermit
Stage: Seance room
Sounds: ?

Lionel and Lori are sitting in the living room on either side of a table. On
the table sits a magic crystal ball (turned off). Something like a mosquito
net is draped above the table. Candles are illuminating the room. A book lies
open on the stage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lionel: "Do you really think this is such a good idea?"

Lori: "Well, I spent all my money on the psychiatric helpline and I don't think we could afford the 'small fee' the voodoo counselor was asking."

Lionel: "So, what are we going to do?"

Lori: "My 'Magic Rituals for Dummies' says: 'Step 1: Place the Magic Crystal Ball in the middle of the table.'"

Lionel: "Check."

Lori: "'Step 2: Sit around the table, where the Magic Crystal Ball is placed on.'"

Lionel: "Check."

Lori: "'Step 3: Touch the Magic Crystal Ball with your nose.'"

Lionel: "With my nose?"

Lori: "It says so in the manual."

* Lionel and Lori touch the ball with their noses.

Lori: [nose closed] "'Step 4: Concentrate on the spirit you wish to summon.'"

Lionel: [nose closed] "Alright, here we go."

Lori: "Ommmmmmmmmm ..."

Lionel: "Ommmmmm ..."

@ Stage light fade down.

* Activate crystal ball.

@ Green lights from below.

# Fog comes up on the stage corner.

$ Deep humming

* The Ghost of Last Christmas Gone By comes from the fog.

* Lori and Lionel remain motionless.

@ Red spotlight follows the ghost.

Ghost: "I am the Ghost of Last Christmas Gone By, and I am ... I am ... uh,
where am I?"

* The Ghost walks over to the two puppets.

Ghost: "Hello? HELLO?"

* The Ghost shakes Lori, without effect.

Ghost: "Seems, I ended up in the wrong invocation. Farewell."

* The ghost disappears again.

@ Main stage lights on.

* Crystal ball out.

@ Green light out

# No fog

$ Humming stops.

* Lionel and Lori sit back from the ball.

Lori: "What was that?"

Lionel: "I'm sorry. It's kinda hard to concentrate on a guy like Poke."

Lori: "Well, let's try again."

* Lori and Lionel touch the ball with their noses.

Lori: "Ommmmmmmmm ..."

Lionel: "Ommmmmmmm ..."

@ Stage light fade down.

* Activate crystal ball.

@ Green lights from below.

# Fog comes up behind the Crystal ball.

$ Deep humming

* Kermit rises up behind the ball.

Kermit: "I am the ghost of Jim Henson! And what you are doing here is pathetic! You don't seem to have any clue about puppetry at all! I mean, look at this decoration! Is this cheap or what? And my appearance here is not even licensed! I'm going to send you the ghost of my lawyer!"

* Lori and Lionel sit back again with a jerk.

* Kermit disappears.

@ Main stage lights on.

* Crystal ball out.

@ Green light out.

# No fog.

$ Humming stops.

* Lionel and Lori are panting hard.

Lori: "That was frightening!"

Lionel: "And who the heck is Jim Henson?"

Lori: "Maybe we need something personal, to summon the right ghost."

* Lionel disappears under the stage and comes back with Poke's red feather boa. He curls it around the ball.

Lionel: "Like this?"

Lori: "Yes, exactly. Let's try again!"

* Lori and Lionel touch the ball with their noses.

Lori: "Ommmmmmmmm ..."

Lionel; "Ommmmmmmm ..."

@ Stage light fade down.

* Activate crystal ball.

@ Green lights from below.

$ Deep humming

$ bee bee beep!

Ghost Op: "The ghost you have dialed is temporarily unavailable. Please try again or call your local Magic Crystal Ball Operator."

$ bee bee beep!

@ Main stage lights on.

* Crystal ball out.

@ Green light out.

$ Humming stops.

* Lori and Lionel sit back again.

Lionel: "That's it. I don't believe this is going to lead us anywhere."

* Lionel takes the Crystal Ball and the mosquito net behind the stage.

Lori: "Well, then we'll have to try out the second thing the counselor told us."

Lionel: "Lori, don't you understand? This is not going to work! Do you remember what I told you about phony hotlines?"

* Lori turns around to walk into her room.

Lionel: "I think we should have a closer look at the strange thing you stumbled upon in the alley."

* Lori is still walking.

Lori: "I already tried everything. It has three buttons, but none of them do anything. If you don't want to help me, I'm going to try this alone."

Lionel: "If it makes you feel better ..."

* Lori disappears through the door.

Lionel: "Now where did I put that thing?"

* Lionel disappears.

@ Lights out

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Plan B                                                               Scene 3.2
Puppets: Smith and Wesson
Stage: F. I. A. Office
Props: Super soaker
Sounds: ?

Smith and Wesson are sitting in the office.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Smith walks to and fro.

Smith: "Oh, this waiting makes me nervous. I'm really getting nervous. Time is running out quickly, and the Chief will be very angry! When do you think they will show up here?"

Wesson: "Oh, calm down ... They will show up some time."

Smith: "But we only have three hours left."

Wesson: "I'm pretty sure they will come."

Smith: "But what if they don't?"

Wesson: "Hm ... Maybe they won't show up ... Maybe."

Smith: "And then?"

Wesson. "The Chief will probably bite our heads off and will take our fuzzy behinds on a roller coaster ride through the Himalaya!"

Smith: "So? You know, this is not funny!"

Wesson: "Maybe ... Maybe it is time for Plan B."

Smith: "What is Plan B?"

* Wesson goes down and comes up with a huge Super Soaker.

$ chik-chik

Wesson: "Plan B! We will go in there and get the ferret!"

$ Some rap music

Smith: "I think I like that Plan B."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Closer examination                                                   Scene 3.3
Puppets: Lionel, Bad-Lori
Stage: Living room
Props: Purifier, Battery, Manual
Sounds: ?

Lionel sits in the living room, next to the purifier.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lionel: "I wonder what this thing is. Three buttons, indeed. 'Burn', 'Fixate', 'Reverse'. I wonder what that means."

* Lionel looks at the Purifier from all sides.

Lionel: "'Property of the F. I. A. - Top Secret.' Wow! 'If found, return to 2435 Main Street. Made in Japan.'"

* Lionel fiddles around a bit and a battery and a piece of paper fall out.

Lionel: "A battery. And what's this?"

* Lionel folds open the manual.

Lionel: "'F. I. A. Purifier, TOP SECRET!' Hm ... Who ever this belongs to must be incredibly stupid. 'For purchase extra Purifier, all your thanks are belong to us. For clean person in order examine you the eyes of the person are far open. Operate then 'burn'. If victim in the disturbance flashed, operate 'reverse'. In order to form changes durable, 'fixate' press. Warning! Keep out of children.' Spooky ... This really sounds, like this thing could be responsible for Poke's alteration. Well, I never believed in conspiracies, but that convinces me. Now, if I got that right, all we have to do is make sure, that Poke's eyes are wide open and then press 'reverse'? That would be too easy. But let's try what happens."

* Lionel presses the button.

$ Empty Purifier sound

* Lionel tries again.

$ Empty Purifier sound

Lionel: "Maybe its batteries are low. Let's see what the manual says about that. 'Replace battery only with type is Nakahishi Demokura 33/5 12.8 Volts. Otherwise move every zig. Make your time.' Nakamuchi, who? This doesn't look like something you could pluck from your TV remote. I never saw this kind of batteries before. Radio Shack, here I come."

* Lionel turns to Lori's door.

Lionel: "Lori? I'm going shopping! Do you wanna come with me? Lori? Oh, sure. I forgot. She was going to join the dark side of the fur. Yeah, right! He he he."

* Lionel disappears.

* Nothing happens for some seconds.

$ Bang!

* Bad-Lori comes in, smashing the door.

@ Lights off, spot on Bad-Lori, Strobe light on

# Fog on

$ Michael Jackson - Bad

Bad-Lori: "Whoaaa! I *love* the dark side of the fur! I never felt so fucking good before! Now, where's that whiny excuse of a ferret? I'll show him what the fuck real life is about!"

@ Lights out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Radio Shack                                                          Scene 3.4
Puppets: Lionel, Salesman
Stage: Radio Shack
Props: Flashlight
Sounds: ?

The Salesman sits at his desk next to the cash register.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Lionel comes in.

Salesman: "Welcome to Radio Shack. How can I help you?"

Lionel: "I need a battery."

Salesman: "A battery. Um ... We have all kinds of batteries. Big ones, small ones, round ones, square ones, long ones, short ones, some have more juice, some have less juice ... So ... could you please be a tad more specific?"

Lionel: "Oh, sure. The type is Nakahishi Demokura 33/5 12.8 Volts."

Salesman: "Ah, you need a Nakahishi Demokura 33/5 12.8 Volts. Say, do you know a ferret named Poke?"

Lionel: "Yes! How do you know?"

Salesman: "Because he's the only person who usually buys this sort of exotic battery. Hang on, I'll check if we've still got some of them in stock."

* The salesman turns around to shout at his colleague in the off.

Salesman: "Fred? Do we still have a Nakahishi Demokura 33/5 12.8 Volts?"

Fred: [off] "A what?"

Salesman: "You know, that exotic kind of Japanese battery that this ferret used to buy for his double headed turbo powered Japanese rotating pneumatic electrical stimulating self expanding microprocessor-driven backlighted vibrator?"

Fred: [off] "Oh, that one! No, we're out."

* The salesman turns back to Lionel.

Salesman: "No, I'm sorry, we're out. You will have to resort to some kind of ... manual stimulation."

Lionel: "Double headed Japanese electrical ... ummm ... uh ..."

Salesman: "Yeah buddy, the strangest thing I've ever seen. I hope you know, what you're getting yourself into - or rather what you are getting into yourself. He he he."

Lionel: "Uh, this is some kind of misunderstanding."

Salesman: "Yeah, right, no need to blush. We all have our primal needs. But anyway, the battery's out. Would you like us to reorder? It will take a few weeks, though."

Lionel: "No, thank you, that would be too late."

Salesman: "Uh, you must be desperate. Too bad I can't help you. Is there something else, you may need? Would you like a cell phone? We've just got new models."

Lionel: "No, thank you."

Salesman: "How about portable radios?"

Lionel: "I - don't - need - a - portable - radio."

Salesman: "What about a pair of new speakers for your home stereo?"

Lionel: "No!"

Salesman: "Do you need any *other* kind of batteries?"

Lionel: "No, I don't need no other batteries!"

Salesman: "Would you like a free flashlight, then?"

Lionel: "Uh, it's free? Yeah, why not!"

Salesman: "Here you are."

* The salesman gives Lionel the flashlight.

Lionel: "Hey, there are no batteries in there."

Salesman: "Do you need some *other* kind of batteries, *now*?"

Lionel: "Alright, I give up. Just keep your stuff. At least now I know where
to find this kind of batteries."

@ Lights out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Final                                                                Scene 3.5
Puppets: Bad-Lori, Lionel, Poke, Smith, Wesson
Stage: Living room, Poke's room
Props: Cloth, Purifier, Poke's toys, Super Soaker, Double headed vibrator
Sounds: ?

The Purifier stands next to the table

Poke is busy cleaning the living room table with a cloth
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Bad-Lori enters in his back.

Bad-Lori: "Heya, Sweetie!"

* Poke jumps violently and turns around.

Poke: "Gaaah! Lori, is this you? Are you feeling alright?"

Bad-Lori: "I never felt so alive before! But this is going to be about you, not me."

Poke: "So, what do you want to discuss."

Bad-Lori: [laughing] "What do I want to discuss? Look at yourself! What's left of the Poke you have once been? Look what you've become! A whiny good-for-nothing carpet-crawling snot-munching lice-infested cow-fucking dutchman-licking stinking sack of shit!"

Poke: [sniffs] "How can you say such a bad thing to me? You are so mean!"

* Poke starts to cry.

Bad-Lori: "Oh, come on! Stop crying like a fucking wimp! Join me on the dark side of the fur! I'll do things with you, only your former self would be able to imagine. Poke!"

* Bad-Lori lies down on the table, shattering the flower pot

Bad-Lori: "Oh, Poke! I need you now! I need you so badly! Give it to me right here, right now! Join the dark side of the fur!"

Poke: "No! Leave me alone!"

Poke grabs the Purifier and runs into his room, locking the door

$ Door slam, lock

Bad-Lori: "You can't run away forever! I will get you! I don't want to stay a virgin all my life!"

* Lionel comes in, panting.

Lionel: "Lori! I've got great news! I - Lori? What are you doing on the table? And where is Poke?"

Bad-Lori: "Poke? Oh, that fucking coward is hiding in his room."

* Bad-Lori steps from the table.

Lionel: "Lori, what's wrong with you? You seem so ... different!"

Poke: [shouts] "Lori! Lionel! Can you hear me?"

Bad-Lori: "Of course we can, you butt-headed flea-ridden son of a swamp rat!"

Poke: "Lionel? Lori just told me, I was a whiny good-for-nothing carpet-crawling snot-munching lice-infested cow-fucking dutchman-licking stinking sack of shit! And you know what? She's absolutely right! I *am* a whiny good-for-nothing carpet-crawling snot-munching lice-infested cow-fucking dutchman-licking stinking sack of shit! So now I'm putting an end to it all! I can't live with the shame of my past any longer! Good bye! Arrivederci! Auf Wiedersehen!"

Lionel: "But Poke! I know how you can get your former self back!"

Poke: "I don't want my former self back!"

Lionel: "Poke, we are your friends! Trust me! All you have to do is to replace the battery from the Purifier and press 'Reverse'! And everything will be fine!"

Poke: "I don't have any batteries!"

Lionel: "Yes, you have! The battery is inside your double headed turbo powered Japanese rotating pneumatic ..."

Bad-Lori: "Cooool!"

Lionel: "... electrical stimulating self expanding microprocessor-driven backlighted vibrator!"

Poke: "No! I'm not going to touch this thing! Never! Never ever!"

* Smith and Wesson enter the room.

$ Dramatic music A

Wesson: "This is the F. I. A.! You're surrounded! Surrender the ferret!"

* Smith starts to fire his gun.

@ Strobe light

$ Machine gun

Wesson: [gasp!] "Stop that!"

* Bad-Lori runs to the door, pounding at it.

$ door pounding

Bad-Lori: "Poke! Come out you coward! I wanna fuck the living daylight out of you! Join the dark side of the fur! This is your only chance!"

Lionel: [shouting] "Replace the battery! This is your only chance!"

Wesson: "Come out with your paws above your head! This is your only chance!"

@ Strobe light

$ Machine gun

Poke: [shouting] "Stop it! STOP IT! I can't stand it any longer!"

$ Thunder

@ Strobe light

# Fog

@ Lights out

* All puppets except Poke disappear.

* Thalian rises

$ Lion King Score

Thalian: "Remember!"

Poke: "Thalian?"

Thalian: "Remember who you are!"

Poke: "Yes! Thalian! I remember who I am!"

Thalian: "Remember!"

Poke: "I'm gonna find my double headed turbo powered Japanese rotating pneumatic electrical stimulating self expanding microprocessor-driven backlighted vibrator, and I'll replace the battery!"

* Poke disappears.

Poke: "Where is it? Where did I put it?"

* Poke puts a collection of different tools on the stage one by one.

Poke: "There it is! I found it!"

* Poke puts the double headed ... thing on the stage.

All: "Replace the batteries! Replace the batteries!"

@ FLASH!

@ Lights out.

$ deep rumbling drums

* Wait until the audience is silent.

@ Spotlight on one spot of the stage.

* Poke appears inside the spotlight.

Poke: "What the fuck happened here? This was the most fucked up shit I've ever tread into! And fuck, my fucking head fucking hurts!"

@ Full lights

* All puppets are celebrating and dancing.

$ end music

@ Lights fade out while Narrator is talking.

Narrator: "And together the friends celebrated Poke's return to his former self. But yet, there were still a few things left to be resolved. After returning to their headquarters, Special Agents Smith and Wesson soon enjoyed their new responsibilities as vital parts of the city's public restroom department, for the first times in their lives doing something really useful for society. And they have learned an important lesson: Burned Furs get burned twice. And one other thing had to be resolved."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bad Lori, Good Lori                                                  Scene 3.6
Puppets: none
Stage: none
Sounds: smash, boom
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ Lights out.

Lionel: [reprimanding] "Lori, let's face it! You don't have a choice. The current situation is just wrong! You must get back to the light side of the fur!"

Bad-Lori: "Why? I don't want to! I like the way I am now!"

Poke: "Yes, why does she have to? We could always talk this over in my bedroom! After all, she said, she didn't want to stay a virgin all her life!"

Bad-Lori: "I'm not going to the light side of the fur again and turn into that sissy vixen I once was!"

Lionel: "Lori, you have to go!"

Bad-Lori: "No!"

Lionel: "Yes!"

Bad-Lori: "No!"

Lionel: "Yes! Okay guys! Everybody grab a paw!"

Bad-Lori: "Nooo! You assholes! Get your paws off me!"

Lionel: "All at once! One! Two! Three!"

Bad-Lori: "Whooooaah!"

$ smash!

Lori: "Ow! Look what you've done! You split one of my claws!"

* Lori sobs and cries

* Deep sigh of all the others.

$ Boom!

$ Closing Theme
