It was yet another boring day at school, with the daily slog of dealing with people I wanted fuck all to do with continued on.
Except for this day in particular, is shittier than others. I note as I’m leaning against the stiff stone wall of Volcano High’s hallway, right next to the door to the office of a very dangerous caveman.
Fucking hell. How did they even find out this time?? I did everything right, I used a VPN, I used the computer farthest from the librarian, hell I even downloaded the files straight to the portable drive I brought to school!
Principal Spears was pretty upset that I used the school’s wifi to torrent some shows, getting all those ISP warning letters would leave a possible stain on the school’s reputation. The last time he sent me to help with the gardening club, I swear Rosa is an absolute slave driver, and it’s impossible to get ANYTHING done with Stella yapping in my ear about all the newest shonen or esoterica crap she obsesses over.
“ANON! GET YOUR SCRAWNY ASS IN HERE NOW!!” A thunderous roar bellows from the door inside, strong enough to blow out my eardrums.
Well, time waits for no one…
Opening the door, I’m greeted with the sight of a near immaculate office paired with a well-polished desk, nothing seems to have changed since the last time I’ve been here.
“Take a seat, Anon.” My eyes are directed towards the stern yet intimidating caveman sitting across the desk, motioning with his massive baseball mitt of a hand.
Before my brain can ever register his words, my body already makes its way toward the aforementioned seat. I REALLY do not wanna piss him off again.
“I’m disappointed in you son, I’ve told you once already that you cannot use the school's internet services to be illegally downloading TV shows.”
Moments after the worlds leave his move, Spear’s stern look on his face becomes more relaxed. “Although I am proud to hear you have taken my suggestions to heart and have begun examining some of the anime that I was able to recommend to you, it’s the least I could do to help improve your shit taste.”
Phew… So does that mean-
“HOWEVER!” The sudden tonal shift in his voice tells me that I’m not out of the woods yet.
“You still broke the rules of our schools and risked tarnishing our reputation, and in spite of the reason for your actions, I am afraid I am still going to have to punish you.”
Well shit… I guess I get some actual gardening clothes this time.
“Okay, Principal Spears… What day did you want to send me to the Gardening Club?” I ask with a mixture of dejection and reluctance.
His eyebrows raise questioningly as if he is confused by my question?
“The Gardening Club? No Anon, I believe a different change of scenery might suit you better.” A devilish grin begins to grow on the gargantuan caveman’s face.
“For the remainder of the day, you will act as a student assistant in Room 132, the classroom for our school’s students with special needs.”
No…. Dear god no…
A phantom pain begins to flare up in my chest, mirroring the tumble I took down the school’s stairs a few weeks ago, but worse…
"YOU MAKE TROSH CRY?!?!" The terrifying roars of the jolly green tard echo through my head, sending a wave of fear through my body
“No... Sir please anything but that, I’ll help with the gardening club for the entire month, I’ll help with the upcoming assemblies, I’ll even clean up after Prom if you want! Please just anything but that!” I plea to my Principal, who looks at me completely unmoved by my more than evident desperation.
“Come now, Anon. I think helping out with our handicapable students would be a good experience for you and help you grow, besides my decision is final.” The shit-eating grin on the caveman’s face returns to the stoic expression I just saw from him moments prior.
“Rest assured, your participation will not affect your marks, and your teachers will be sure to assign you any work you may have missed.”
Fuck… Half a day with those… things..
I barely survived two minutes around those fuckers… How am I gonna make it through three hours?
“If you have no further questions, we have an additional student assistant who will escort you there.” Spear’s affirmation pulled me out of my pity party. Another student assistant he says?
“SAGE! GET THE FUCK IN HERE NOW!!!”
Huh, so this is what Tinnitus feels like?
Not a moment sooner, the door flings open to reveal a…. A… what?
“I-I’m here Principal Spears!” An androgynous voice chokes out.
Standing in front of the door frame is a rather anxious-looking purple Raptor wearing a plain white shirt with overalls. I have no fucking clue if this kid is a girl or a guy.
“Do you have any further questions Mr. Mous?” The principal’s words snapped me back to reality.
If you act any more autistic Anon, he might transfer you into the GVH room for good.
“Uh…. No, none at all sir.”
Spears lets out a sigh as his posture relaxes in his chair. “I see, you two are excused, and Sage!” He directs his attention toward the bumbling femboy standing at the door.
“See to it that Anon is well acquainted with all the proper procedures necessary to be a good student assistant.”
“Of course Principal Spears!”
About five minutes pass and I am reminded of how far away our destination is from the rest of the school…. Well, we would have made it sooner if Sage hadn’t stopped us to confront someone in the hall for saying the word “retard”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! IT’S 2020, NOBODY SHOULD BE USING SUCH OUTDATED AND ABLEIST SLURS TOWARDS MARGINALIZED COMMUNITIES!”
“Bro… Literally, all I just said was that PachyStation raising the prices of their games is retard-”
“BRO?! I USE SHE/HER PRONOUNS YOU FUCKING PTERO MALE ASSHOLE!”
Well, that clears up that question, I SERIOUSLY owe Fang an apology now.
But other than that, plus the occasional huffing that came from Sage when she (I think) overheard some of the conversations that we passed by in the halls, we managed to get there in one piece.
But now my death march has reached its end, and Sage and I are standing in front of the entrance of my final resting place.
Room: 132, The GVH Room.
At least they manage to fix the door this time..
“Alright, Ay-non.”
I can tell I'm already not going to like this little boy.
“These friends of ours have certain difficulties, so let’s try to be as sensitive and patient as we can, okay?” Sage addresses me in a condescending manner that makes Naomi look humble in comparison.
“Uhh.. Sure.”
“Alright, let’s go in-”
THUD THUD THUD THUD
“YO BRO, STOP, STOP!!”
Both Sage and I turn our heads towards the thunderous commotion to see…
Oh no…
DEAR GOD NO!
STONK IS RUNNING TOWARDS US FULL SPEED!!
FUCK I’M GONNA DIE! I’M GONNA FUCKING DIE! I’VE WASTED MY ENTIRE LIFE ON-
THUD THUD THUD THUD
On… what? CRASH
My despair quickly evaporates when I see that Stonk has completely passed by Sage and I, as she complete runs through the classroom’s door, effortlessly knocking off the hinges as it clatters across the room.
“DEUVUBUBBBIIIIIL.” Stella’s tardy doppelganger groans as she lays face down on the ground.
“STONK! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT RUNNING THROUGH THE DOOR?!” A feminine yet elderly voice echoes from inside the room.
“Fuck! *Pant* Are you dudes okay?!”
Our eyes turn towards the voice approaching from the halls, seeing a rather muscular-looking Megalodon male paired with a black wife beater and red shades. Isn’t he the captain of the school’s football team?
“She… was.. I… sorry… Sage…” Barely managing to choke out as he desperately tries to catch his breath.
The fear inside grows exponentially at the realization that if the school’s football captain couldn’t even hold her back, then none of us are safe…
“Goddamnit Chet!!! This is the fourth time the room’s door has been broken, Mrs. Roberts already has it out for me as it is!” Sage points her finger and the incapacitated tard wrangler. “Why did you have to trigger Stonk’s sensitivity?!”
Suddenly the weariness in Chet’s turns to surprise, clearly taken aback by the diminutive tyrant’s accusation.
“Trigger her sensitivity?? What you talkin’ bout brah? I didn’t-”
“WHAT DID I FUCKING TELL YOU ABOUT CALLING ME ‘BRAH’ YOU FUCKING CIS SCUM?!” Sage suddenly explodes with rage that startles the imposing Megaladon. “First, you make no effort to aid our neurodivergent friends! And now you continue to misgender me and spit in my face?! FUCK YOU!!”
Despite the vast height difference between the two with Chet having at least two feet above Sage. Sage’s fury and rancor cause Chet to dwarf in comparison.
“Okay br- Sage, I’m sorry fam!” Chet’s voice breaks slightly with fear as he begins to back away from both of us
What the fuck is even happening today? “What?” Sage asks me, her voice hinting at slight aggression.
“U-uh, nothing! Should we go inside?” I try to diffuse any tension between us.
Thankfully it seems to work as Sage’s expression relaxes as she nods, and the two of us enter the room, thanks to the absence of a door.
Similarly to before, I see the typical furnishings of a special ed room, a fridge, cooking area, exercise ball, a trampoline, and an old-ass TV that looks like it would be perfect for playing Rock Ring split-screen, assuming Fang and the gang would EVER be willing to play with me…. Well, I mean Reed might.
“...But Bugs are so gayyyyy, they totally eat poop.”
“N-NO! B-BUGS ARE COOL YOU QUEER!!!” A familiar sounding screech echoes from my left, grabbing the attention of Sage and I. My eyes manage to spot Trosh talking with…
Wait… What the actual fuck?
“REED?!”
‘Reed’ looks over to me with a rather snooty yet blank face.
“Uhhhh…. No, it’s Reeee dumbass.. Heheheheheh.”
Hmmm…. Okay…
Only now do I notice the anger emanating from Sage. The raptor’s tan face turns into a mixture of red as she becomes flustered by the slur that was just uttered from the tardy triceratops.
“HEY! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT USING THOSE TYPES OF WORDS?! YOU CAN’T BE USING THAT WORD AS AN INSULT-” Sage begins to rant as she approaches the two, leaving me standing alone in the middle of the room.
“I don’t care… Those are funny words, stop being gay Sage.” Reee blows her off with the most nonchalant yet absentminded expression possible. “You’re gay, this classroom’s gay, Trosh is gay, and that skinnie over there is gay.”
Reee’s liberal use of the word “gay” makes me feel like I’m in a Jurrasic Warfare 2 lobby, or on the Skronker account of some Canadian game studio.
“Reeee! It’s very offensive to be using words like those as derogatory terms, how would you feel if-”
“Hehehehehe, you said dog.”
“DOG???! I LIKE DOG, ESPECIALLY PUGS! BECAUSE THEY LOOK LIEK BUGS!!!”
So is this just going to be three hours of just this?
I just stand there blankly as the three begin to argue with each other to the point where it becomes noise pollution as their bickering overlaps with each other.
“Mr. Mous? Could I have a word with you?” The same elderly voice from earlier calls out, pulling my attention as I walk toward the source of the sound.
That’s when my eyes spot the purple Tyrannosaurus Rex adorned with a black dress sitting down at a rather dishevelled desk. As I approach, I spot her sipping from a coffee mug, while also taking note of the metal flask placed right in front of her.
“Welcome Mr. Mous, I am Mrs. Roberts, I am one of the teachers of the GVH Room and you will be reporting to me for the remainder of the day.” She addresses me in a rather curt manner as she sets down the coffee mug on her desk, slightly staining the surface.
“Ah, y-yes ma'am.” I nearly stumble over my words. “How… Did you want me to help today?”
“Today, you will be assisting Sage with chaperoning the classroom’s students.” Mrs. Roberts explained with a flat yet serious voice. “Normally we would have around 7 students, but today we only have the three because the remainder of the class is on a field trip to the Volcadera Animal Sanctuary.”
I didn’t even know such a place existed. Wait, there’s one thing I’m curious about though.
“So wait, why didn’t Trosh, Reeee, and Stonk go on the trip with them?” I ask with a degree of caution, she doesn’t exactly look like the friendliest of teachers.
The Tyrannosaurus closed her eyes and let out a sigh. “Trosh refused to attend the trip because due to the animal sanctuary not containing insects.”
“Reeee has been barred from attending with the rest of the class due to some disparaging comments he made about… humans last week, along with some… unsavoury remarks about his fellow… Triceratops students…”
Hmmm… You know what, maybe this clone of Reed isn’t so bad after all…
“And Stonk… Well…” A look of concern begins to grow on Mrs. Roberts's face as she looks past me and towards Stonk, who appears to be laying face-first on the ground.
“Y-yeah, I think I got the picture,” I assure the troubled Tyrannasauraus who doesn’t break her gaze from the hulking Stegosaruaus.
“Alright, if you have any inquires concerning your duties or fellow students, Sage will be able to assist you.” The sternness returns to Mrs. Roberts's voice as she finally breaks her voice.
“Okay, sounds good!” I turn towards her for a brief moment, only to be pulled away as a disgusting retching sound fills the classroom.
“BBBGARRKGLLLLGFPPPH!!!”
Turning around to investigate the noise, my stomach churns when my eyes recognize what just happened.
Stonk just vomited all over the remains of the classroom door, and the pieces of undigested hot dogs and stomach acid begin to drip on the floor.
“Hahahahahahaha, gay.”
Behind me, I hear the metallic sound of a lid being opened followed by the pouring of liquid.
….I fucking hate my life so much.
The next hour and a half went by about as fast as a paraplegic snail. Dealing with figurative tards throughout school has always worn me down, but dealing with LITERAL tards? It’s not as funny as those fucking green text stories on those Croatian taxidermy forums make it out to be.
The sudden cacophony of shrill sounds that drown out the previous noises suddenly pulls me out of my thoughts.
Okay, maybe a little bit.
“Reeee, I told you already, we no longer use outdated terms such as “Asperger’s Syndrome!” The proper term is “Autistic Spectrum Disorder!” Sage reprimanded Reeee who sat at the desk blankly staring at her with a clear lack of amusement on his face.”
“Uhh… no, the doctor told me it’s called ‘Ass Burger syndrome, retard.”
In contrast to Sage’s uncharacteristic patient demeanour with the denizens of the GVH Room, the purple accents on her face turn red as she bristles with anger towards Reeee’s comment.
“Excuse me?! We DEFINITELY do not say the ‘r word’ here!” The androgynous raptor roars with anger as her rant grows louder. “THE “R” WORD HAS BEEN INCREDIBLE DAMAGING TOWARDS THE DISABLED COMMUNITY AS IT PERPETUATES THE STIGMA THAT DI-”
“SHUT FUCK UP SADGE!!!!” A deep yet powerful voice bellows from across the table.
My eyes trail towards Stonk has sunk into her chair, her hands gripping a crayon as she stares at Sage dead-eyed
“NO ONE CARES! STOP BEING RETARD!”
Pfft… Based.
As I’m doing everything in my power to not burst out laughing at what Stonk said, Sage is just standing there frozen, mouth agape, completely taken aback by what the green goliath said.
I guess self-righteous arguments found Skronker can only be so effective after all. At least thanks to Stonk, I don’t have to listen to that crap any longer than I have to.
“Who are you talking to Anon?” Sage suddenly breaks her stunned silence, her anger replaced with confusion.
Goddamn mumbling. Get it together Anon, I swear they’re gonna think you’re one of them.
“A-ah no one sorry, I uh-” Nearly spilling my spaghetti, I try to think of an excuse. “Was… practicing my… lines for a… play?”
Her eyes widen in response, showing a clear interest in my lie. “Oh really? I love plays! What’s it called?”
“It’s um… called… Rules of Nature.”
C’mon Anon think.
“It’s about… animals, I think?”
Her enthusiasm seems to break as her facial expression changes, I can’t tell if it’s confusion or suspicion.
“I uhh-I see… You’re in the play but you don’t know what it’s about?” The purple Raptor tilts her head as she tries to decipher my bullshit.
Fuck she knows too much! SHUT IT DOWN!
“...Well…. I…-”
“Uh, can you two stop being gay? I gotta go pee.” Both Sage and I turn towards the desk to see Reeee looking at us rather impatiently and unamused.
“HEHEHEHEHEHEH!!! YEAH! I GATTA GO PEE PEE TOO HAHA!” Trosh chimes in with a level of enthusiasm that can almost be described as ‘feral.’
Sage rests her face in her palm as she tries to find her remaining tolerance to deal with her charges.
“Okay, we can go. Stonk, do you need to use the restroom too?” Sage removes her hand and looks at Stonk questioningly.
Stonk just stares blankly at Sage, completely unfazed by her question.
…
“STONK NEED TO TAKE BIG FAT POOooooOOOOT!!!!”
Errmmmhhh.. Okay then, hopefully, she’s more gentle to Sage than he was to the tard wrangler from earlier.
“A-alrighty, let’s go then!” Sage attempts to shake off her disgust as she tries to put on a more professional face.
Almost right on cue, Trosh and Reeee rise from the desk, leaving Stonk alone as she sits at the table, doing her best statue impersonation.
“Stonk, aren’t you coming?” I ask, also slightly afraid.
…
“OKAY”
*THUD*
The large clanking of metal and wood fills the classroom as Stonk rises from the chair…. Knocking the entire table down in the process.
“....oh for fuck sake.” I manage to catch Sage whisper as her barely contained rage seeps through.
After a long… and painful ordeal of trying to get the trio of tards to properly use the toilet, and I’m not joking. We actually had to help them go to the bathroom.
I understand that shouldn’t be saying this due to how much of a tard I am in my own right, but Reeee?
“Reeee what the fuck?! Why are you pissing in the sink? The urinals are literally right over there!!.
“Hahaah yeah but like, wouldn’t it be funny if I used the sink instead?”
“No Reeee, that’s fucking nasty!! People are supposed to clean their hands in there!”
“But… like... Didn’t the Roman Empire used to like… clean their hands with their own pee?”
“....Reed what the fuck are you talking about??”
“I already told you my name is Reeee, retard.”
I’m at least thankful that I only had to take Reeee with me into the restroom, I can’t even begin to imagine how painful it must be for Sage to be responsible with Trosh and Stonk. I BARELY survived 3 minutes alone with them.
As I’m about to learn the answer to my dilemma, I see Trosh fly out of the bathroom, bug-eyed with glee.
“HAHAHAHA, YAAAAA DAT WAS FUN!!! I MAED NEW FWIEND!!!”
Following Trish’s deformed twin comes her rotund companion as stomps her way out of the bathroom, her eyes dead-eyed but a smile grew across her face.
*THUD* *THUD* *THUD*
“STONK FEEL BETTER!!!”
Yeah, well that makes one of us…
The third and final figure that emerges from the bathroom, further strengthens my current statement as I see Sage shaking as she struggles to carry herself out of the bathroom as she tries to regain her breath…
Her curls were replaced completely tangled and in tattered messes, her makeup smudged, and the utter dismay placed across her face clearly for all to see.
“Are-”
“Idontwannatalkaboutit” The perturbed raptor spits out with utter defeat.
Trosh begins to laugh in response as she flails her tiny arms. “HehEhEHeH I FOUND SOME BUGS IN DA TOLIET!”
As her body still shakes, her eyes turn towards the trio of tards who have now begun flailing their arms around like a rave of wacky inflatable tube men with Tourettes. Her horror faded into vitriol.
“...Fucking retards…”
Wait…. What?
What?
Sage must have noticed the shock on my face as her hateful glare quickly matches my own expression.
“O-oh, I u-uhh… said Beastars!” The androgynous raptor begins to fumble as she lets out a nervous chuckle. “Y-yeah! haha, Beastars, this new anime S-Stella told me to check out!!”
Anon.
I think you just got the biggest ‘get out of jail free card’ right now.
“No. I heard you loud and clear, Sage.” I put on a stern tone causing Sage to shrink even further. “Frankly, I’m deeply offended that you would refer to our follow classmates as such.”
“B-b-b-b-but I-” Sage bumbles as she tries to rack through her tiny brain searching for way to lie her way out of this.
“What would Mrs. Roberts have to say about you using ableist slurs such as that?”
This is the part where Sage falls deathly silent.
“However, I mayyyyyy be willing to look the other way, if you could do a little something for me.” I shoot the violet-accented raptor a sly look.
“Ewwww, I am not gonna su-”
Wait what, WHAT?
“What the fuck?? No, eww.. I was gonna say you to let me go for the rest of the day.” I nearly gag as the words leave my mouth.
Raptor Jesus… This is the first thing that comes to this girl’s mind???
Closing her eyes, Sage takes a deep breath before addressing me okay. “Okay Anon, you win. You’re free to go.”
Let’s fucking go!
“Thank you very much, Sage! I wish you good luck for the remainder of the period.” I say with an inflection that’s snootier than my Ptero GF.
Sage just grumbles in response as she gathers the rest of the tards as she tries to herd them back to the classroom on her own.
A part of me does feel bad about it, leaving her to look after those…. Three...
But then I also remember being thrown through a door after swatting a mosquito in front of the poster child of why women shouldn’t drink when they’re pregnant. So I don’t feel as bad.
Well, I guess I got some time to kill since school should be done in about 40 minutes. I think I might try to set up that Rock Ring session with the gang after all, hell I’ll even invite that little trigger too!
I whip out my phone as I type away a text message to my girlfriend.
(Me) hey fang, do you reed and trish wanna play some vidya in a bit? I’ve got the per-
But before I can finish the rest of my message. A shrill grating cacophony of gurgling and shrieking begins to flood the halls as the main entrance’s door swings open, the doors revealing…
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
From far away, I would say the monochromatic pterodactyl in front of me is Fang. But her snoot is horribly misaligned as her toothy grin reveals a set of teeth that share an uncanny resemblance to a porpoise.
Another pair of familiar faces accompany the homunculus of Fang. On her left, I would say it would be Naomi, but the other noticeable feature on her face is virtually the complete lack of features other than her wall-eyed expression.
On her right is what I would assume to be Rosa, she’s wearing the same outfit in everything but…
Okay... Rosa may be a big girl, but she’s not THAT big, but before I am able to analyze Poot, Rosa’s long-lost sister, another figure enters my peripheral vision, grabbing my attention away completely.
What in the name of all that is holy?
Behind the trio of Looney Tunes rejects lies a… Well, what I assume to be a dark grey Pterodactyl adorned with an orange crest and misaligned wings.
Oh, sweet Raptor Jesus, Naser what have they done to you?
Rather than his formal outfit and Kanye sneakers. This ‘Naser’ is wearing only a green shirt and brown pants, his clubbed feet exposed as he begins to flail around in an excited manner as he squeals only one word.
“NNUUUUSSSSYYYY!!!!!”
….I need to get the hell out of here fast before Sage drags me back...