# Perfect Situation Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The World Has Turned And Left Me Here
​
I trudged forward with my shoulders hunched and head low, the weight of the world never got any lighter. The cloudy sky above mirroring the gray pavement beneath my feet did little to improve my mood, every day somehow managed to be shittier than the one before it. The only pleasure to extract from today was that the world itself seems to be having a shitty day too. I couldn't even get too excited about my upcoming dinner, my pension didn't cover many frivolities and the pizza I was about to pick up was likely to be the only one this month.
​
I exhaled a toxic cloud of nicotine that seemed to be my only companion these past few years and stared numbly at my cigarette. Its cherry ember seemed to stare warmly back at me, the smoke caressing my face was a welcoming warmth on a cold, dreary day. I picked up my pace towards the pizzeria, I wasn't exactly certain but I'm pretty sure that humanizing my smokes was a bad sign. This pack of cigarettes represented the other half of my spending budget and I'd prefer to enjoy them properly at home rather than waste the menthol staring at it like the thing was anything more than a ticket to a blissfully early grave.
​
That grave couldn't come soon enough, some would argue my life had only just started but those people were fucking idiots. By all metrics I wasted my life, I even joined the military like all failures did. Oh, everyone always joins and says that they're only using it to pay for their college but they never actually go when their service is up. Truth is, you had one shot in high school and I wasted mine. I was a loser with no friends who was publically humiliated twice over. My hands clench into fists as I recall how Trish saw fit to drag out a past best forgotten just so she could ruin my fresh start. The only solace I have thinking of Trish is that if she was stupid enough to think two bass works in a band then she was too stupid for the real world. I can feel my lips curl into a cruel smile as I think of that dumb trigger living in a trailer with three kids and no father like the welfare queen she is.
​
That was a comforting thought that unfortunately didn't last the full length of my walk. Without mocking the memory of Trish my mind was stuck back in the halls of volcano high. I had a great plan back then, keep my head down and get into any college that would accept me. I bet it would have worked too if I didn't get tricked into friends by Naomi, that cunt. Even despite her meddling if Reed and I never swapped backpacks then I could have ghosted the year totally fine. Without that, I never would have made any friends or gotten my heart broken on that damned beach. I sighed, it may not have been cold enough for my breath to be visible but it sure felt like it.
​
I desperately wanted to resent Fang and her friends, especially Fang. Everyone says that high school is your golden years but it felt like I only got a few golden months. It's because those months were with them, with her, that I could never truly bring myself to hate them. My thoughts inexorably crawl their way towards the beach and I quickly lose any positive feelings I had for my old 'friends'. Thankfully I seem to have found my way here while I was lost in thought, no need to concern myself with the past when I've got pizza in the present.
​
The chime of the pizzeria doors was far too loud and I internally cringed as every head turned towards the door. Their glances were meaningless and slid off me almost immediately but I still hated drawing attention to myself. There was only a handful of individuals milling about thankfully, seems everyone else wanted to stay home today. Staring at the dusty tiles and peeled paint however I figured that this place may just not be that popular. I placed my order and took a seat in the least stained chair, it would have been much easier to order over the phone but staying at home for weeks with no friends meant I didn't really need to pay for an expensive phone bill.
​
Honestly it was a small blessing and the main reason I could afford smokes at all. I sort of pitied the normies that had to waste the cash when you can do pretty much anything online these days. Unfortunately this also meant that outside of my home I was bereft of the internet I had grown so accustomed too, quickly growing bored I found myself people watching. That too proved boring beyond a young couple who were busy trying to eat each others face rather than their pizza and that was more gross than interesting. My eyes eventually wandered towards the stage and I had to double check that I was awake because a ghost from my past had found her way back to me.
​
I didn't even consider, didn't even think that the ptero girl on stage could have possibly been her. Fang left my life years ago, she was supposed to have moved on, she was supposed to have made it. She wasn't supposed to have shaved her head, she wasn't supposed to be playing bass and she definitely wasn't supposed to have that same look in her eyes that I saw every morning in the mirror. Watching her strum that bass was painfully nostalgic, forcing memories of a time I had done my best to put behind me. Memories of the woman on stage looking much happier than she did now. Fang kept her gaze pointedly low almost as if the little energy left within her was spent not staring at anyone or anything.
​
It was fang's eyes that I couldn't look away from, those amber diamonds that sparkled in the moonlight all those years ago seemed to have lost their luster beneath haphazardly applied eyeshadow. A dark demon within me whispered that this was a good thing, that she ended up just as fucked as I was, that it was okay my life was shit because so was hers, that I had clearly dodged a bullet. It was a demon I entertained only briefly because once her song ended those dull orange eyes looked up and caught mine.
​
In that moment I'm paralyzed and panicked thoughts flicker through my mind, why now? What do I say? What will she say? Ultimately I'm not certain whether she would even recognize me or if I actually want her to. Fang stands however and as those pools of citrine sharpen I'm starting to think that what I want doesn't matter; especially when she's stomping over to me with purpose, her wings flaring. Those tired eyes of hers are suddenly holding an intensity that's simultaneously terrifying and to a small part of me that's still hopeful, relieving. On stage she reminded me of a marionette without its strings but now her furrowed brows, ruffled feathers and bared teeth promised a fire and brimstone that was apocalyptic. All I could do was sit numbly in my seat and watch this wrathful angel descend on me.
​
"You've got a lot of nerve coming back here you piece of shit" she growled at me in a scarily accurate impersonation of her father.
​
I opened my mouth to respond but she clearly wasn't interested in anything I had to say and continued before I could organize my thoughts.
​
"What, wasn't ruining my life once enough for you? You cut me off from my friends, you broke my heart and you didn't even TRY to apologize!" her voice cracked from long suppressed emotion.
​
"I couldn't study, I didn't go to college, Dad kicked me out to help pay for fucking Naser's medical college because of fucking course he would." She was looming over me now, jabbing a pointed black nail into my chest with enough force that threatened to draw blood.
​
"And you! You fucking left for god knows where to be some stupid fucking jarhead! You look like shit! You smell like ash and old take-out, you should have fucking died because then at least you'd be doing us and the rest of the god damn country a service!"
​
Her voice had gradually elevated until she was shouting and both her talon and her tirade pushed me further back into my seat. That last one had cut particularly deep and as soon she gave me the chance to recover I found that the emptiness in my chest was ignited with an old and familiar fury. Feeling anything, even anger was exhilarating and as I looked back up at this fucking loser, this washed up gender anomaly suddenly acting high and mighty I narrowed my eyes to match hers. My lips curling back into a snarl of my own as the venom rose in my throat just begging to unleashed.
​
Except as I stared into those same eyes with that same anger in my breast I realized that I had been here before. For a brief moment the dim light and stuffy atmosphere of the pizzeria faded to the crisp, salty sea air of the night where I made the biggest mistake of my life. That brief moment was all it took for my vitriol to fade and I slumped back in my chair, breaking eye contact with her to rub my temple as I gathered my thoughts. It didn't take long for me to reach a conclusion and as I met her gaze with my own I could see she was still furious.
​
"You're right" was all I could mumble, I had thought about how this would go down if it ever happened but all those preparations withered and were forgotten in the moment.
​
Fang was halfway to launching another diatribe when she actually registered what I said, looking back at me with something other than anger for once, confusion. In the brief reprieve that was granted me, I glanced around at the rest of the pizzeria and unsurprisingly every eye was on us, god what I wouldn't give to get out of here. Almost as if answering my prayers the cashier dropped my pizza on the table, they were probably just waiting to see if it was safe after Fang blew up at me.
​
Looking at the woman in question I cant help but wonder if this might go somewhere, if we could forgive ourselves and start over despite all that's happened. Fang looks like she's recovering from my half-assed-sort-of apology and my sore chest throbs in anticipation of yet more shouting and poking. This is likely the last time we'll see each other ever again, the last time I'll be able to say anything to Fang and my mind is nothing but an unhelpful fuzz that's too used to only playing video games. Shit! What do I say? What do I do?
​
"Makeituptoyouoverpizza?" I practically stumble over my words and gesture to the fresh pies brought to my table, I can no longer meet her gaze after that embarrassing display and I mentally kick myself for coming up with nothing better. God damnit, how do those anime characters always have the perfect thing to say? A harsh bark makes me look back however and her face is screwed up somewhere between a smile and a scowl, is she laughing at me? It's not a good laugh, it's mocking and cruel and the loathing with which she levels at me cuts at my chest worse than an actual blade. That wasn't an exaggeration, I know how that feels from experience.
​
When Fang spoke her voice was incredulous and laced with venom despite her chuckling "Did.. Did you actually just ask me out for pizza after everything? This isn't dino-moe's and we're not teenagers anymore, I'd never-"
​
Fang's own stomach interrupted her off with a vicious rumbling that brooked no argument. Despite the rage never leaving her face, her body seems to have betrayed any argument she could make. She still looked like she was about to bite my head off but through her narrowed eyes I could see she was glancing down at the pizza, the smell of food was getting to her.
​
"Fine, but just because playing in here makes you crave pizza" She grumbled, her voice a quiet rasp soaked with vitriol.
​
She sat down hesitantly as if the mere idea of eating with me was some kind of ordeal. Once she did however, I noticed that as much as she mocked me for smelling like an ash-tray she wasn't any better. I was surprised to see her accept my offer over an empty stomach but I wasn't about to question my good fortune. Fang stiffly grabbed a slice and took a single measured bite, that one bite rapidly turned into two then three and soon the slice was gone. She already had a second one in hand and was attacking it with renewed ferocity, this was far beyond just enjoying pizza. Peering closer I realized something, Fang was always thin but she looked little better than skeletal now. Those once beautiful blue-gray feathers had become faded and bristly, clearly they weren't well maintained. Combined with the bags under her eyes, the dark make-up she wore, and the lack of hair it made her look like the walking dead.
​
I can't just watch her, I should say something, but what? What do you say to somebody who hates your guts? What do you say to someone you haven't seen in years, what do you say to someone that doesn't even want to look at you? I sigh and fish around for my smokes. No smoking sign be damned I've never needed one more than right now. As soon as my lighter clicks and as I take my first drag the cigarette is suddenly snatched from my lips and my head whips over to the perpetrator. Fang inhales sharply on the menthol as if it was the last she'd ever have before blowing the smoke cloud my way.
​
"Don't think I've forgotten how many you bummed off me back in school, you owe me now." She grumbled between a mouthful of pizza and the cigarette between her lips.
​
I can only sigh, I'll have to ration the rest of the pack if I want to make it to the next one and I was craving the soothing nicotine now more than ever. Grabbing the last two slices of the pizza before Fang can make those disappear as well we go back to our silence, It's not a comfortable silence and despite the words shared the tension is still thick with neither of us really wanting to look at each other. Eventually, there's no pizza left to distract her but she seems quite content to savor the shitty cigarette like it wasn't the cheapest brand I could find. I was still at a loss for words and a little hungry myself so I contented myself to the slices I had saved. Our impasse was broken by the manager of the pizzeria shouting at Fang that her... "Their" lunch break was over and Fang stood up without a word. Shit! This was supposed to be a moment, this was supposed to be where I take it all back!
​
"Fang.. Wait!" I shout to her, standing up as well.
​
Perhaps I had earned some favor with her or perhaps it was just the urgency in my voice but she stopped. She still didn't turn to look at me but bless Raptor Jesus on his cross of rock, she stopped.
​
"I.. I have to tell you that the night on the beach was the worst mistake of my life, that I'd take it all back if I could! That.. That I'm sorry."
​
I could only hope she would believe me because I couldn't think of anything more poignant than that. I'd spent many nights arguing with myself about how I felt, about who's fault it was and at long last, I could finally tell her and we could move on together. Fang however still stood there, she didn't turn back and embrace me with her own confessions nor did her shoulders shudder with heartfelt tears. The moment stretched on as both of us stood there with neither one of us willing to say anymore, maybe we were just daring each other to walk away so we could both return to our solitary lives. At long last, however, Fang spoke though whatever emotion she hid in her barely audible whisper was impossible to make out.
​
"You're sorry?"
​
Hope blossomed in my chest and I smiled, nodding eagerly despite her back still being turned to me.
​
"I never meant it" I affirmed, utterly relieved.
​
"You're sorry." She repeated as if she was still feeling the words out.
​
Fang turned to face me and my relief proved short-lived. Rather than the elated girl I had hoped to see, she instead greeted me with a sneer.
​
"You're sorry!? NOW you're sorry!?" She slammed a fist on the table, spitting out her next words through clenched teeth "You had YEARS to say you're sorry. You never meant it? Why did you wait until NOW to say that!?"
​
"I.." My voice died, her intensity overwhelming any defense I could muster.
​
"If you never meant it, you wouldn't have left me" her voice was losing strength but her glare hadn't "so don't you dare try and take it back now."
​
This had become a disaster, I had to say something now or it would be all over.
​
"It's never too late for an apology, Fang." I retorted weakly, unsure if I even believed myself.
​
"It IS too late, the Fang you're apologizing to is gone" She rubbed one of the tattoos on her shoulder "You might be the same asshole from high school but I'm different now."
​
She didn't sound very confident about that, the anger was rapidly fading from her. She just looked... Tired.
​
"What about new Fang then? Would she accept my apology?" I asked desperately for something, anything!
​
Fang flinched and I realized my error far too late.
​
"Goodbye, Anon."
​
She walked back to her bandmates with bass in hand and out of my life once again. That was it then? No storybook moment or tearful confession for a guy like me. I turned heel and walked briskly out the door leaving a few crumpled bills on the table. That was foolish, I was an idiot for thinking this would be anything more than it was. My cheeks were flushed with anger and shame, I can't believe I embarrassed myself publicly like that. To make it worse I just tossed what little spare money I had praying for catharsis and only ended up feeling worse than ever. I kicked a stray rock that dared to be in my way and hurried back home to my sanctuary where I could forget all about the outside world for a little while.
​
Fortunately, people moved out of my way, no one wants to be around an angry skinnie on skin row after all and I was just looking for something to lash out at. The anger warmed me on the walk home but, as I neared my shitty apartment I could feel it cool, this was my fault yet again. I had read one too many stories, played one too many visual novels, and somehow got it into my head that things could be different, that I could dare to hope. Pushing open the door to my home and being embraced by the familiar smells of old food and cigarette smoke I could only laugh at the idea, it was a bitter laugh but an earnest one. I shut the door with a bit more force than I intended and flipped open my shitty laptop. a little shitposting will help me relax and forget the one cold truth in this world, people don't change.