# Catching Up Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Lingering Pains
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Opening my eyes took effort. But why? My body felt like lead, and I was tired, so very tired, with even my eyelids clocking in as reigning heavyweight champions. Should have exercised them more, I guess. It was just as dark with eyes open as it was with them closed, where am I? Did I fall asleep again?
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...
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I try to move my body, but it doesn't obey my commands. Maybe I had gotten myself stuck in my sheets, although I usually didn't twist and turn all too much in my sleep. What was going on?
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...
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Once more, that tired feeling. My muscles ache, the blanket feels like it weighs a ton. I can feel my right arm lying by my side, I should be able to lift it without any issue, but I am barely able to get it to rise even just a few inches over the bed before it sinks down again. I hear my labored breathing, why did I not have any strength? Am I sick? I don't remember yesterday, it feels as if I had slept forever and just now got pricked with the rosethorn.
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...
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There's a lingering memory, one where a faint sobbing keeps me up. It echoes through me. Why was it so important? I see the faces of my friends in my mind's eye, but they quickly drift past. Eh, I'll talk to them in the morning when the light is back. I am so very tired. Stella's visage lingers, however, it is as if I could see her right in front of me.
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...
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As my eyes finally adjust to the dark, or just to taking in light again, I do actually see Stella. My body felt heavier than it actually is because I had a stego laying on me, snuggled up against my chest and held tightly by my left arm. She sleeps soundly. WAIT, STELLA IS SLEEPING ON ME. ALL SYSTEMS, WE ARE AT DEFCON 1. RED ALERT. DID WE DO SOMETHING LEWD YESTERDAY? HOW MUCH DID I HAVE TO DRINK?
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Then, I feel that I'm not hung over. How can't I remember yesterday? The rush of unanswerable questions jerks me awake, and my mind starts to clear. I feel how my sudden movement shakes about Stella enough to rouse her from her slumber, she groans, then sits up halfway while rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. Where the fuck am I, I wasn't at home, the bed and the room were all wrong. I wasn't at Stella's place. Something is wrong. This is wrong. THIS IS ALL WRONG. DEFCON 1!
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"WHERE THE FUCK AM I"
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It's as if the wind is knocked out of her by my sudden shouting, her jaw drops and she just sits there with her mouth wide agape. The moonlight shines in through the windows, small colored electric lights are scattered along the wall, a thin strip of LEDs hidden behind a panel provide a soft dim light. Just enough light combined to show me that it isn't Stella. This stego... She has a messy bush of unkept green hair, rings under her eyes. She looked thin, malnourished. But I recognized the Sailor Moon necklace I gave Stella for her birthday last year. It WAS her. My heavy breathing, the shock, the shouting, it left me lacking for energy. We just sat there, eyes staring unblinking from the two sides of a new terrifying reality. This wasn't happening; I needed something to anchor me to reality.
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"S-Stella? Is that you? What's going on?"
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She's still in shock, staring wide-eyed at me.
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"What happened yesterday? Where am I?"
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Tears are forming in the corners of her eyes.
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"Why are you here too?"
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Her mouth has closed, but it's started trembling; a floodgate holding back a crashing wave of emotions.
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"It feels like I've slept forever. Please, tell me what is happening..." and I felt the desperation come rushing back, my dreams weren't just dreams, were they?
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If the distance was greater, or if she hadn't turned to skin-and-bone, I would have been broken in half by her throwing herself at me. There was a deep pain in the whimper she made as she grabbed me and held me tight. I hear tiny sobs, and can feel wet tearstains appear on my shirt. Something wasn't right, but what is most important now is Stella. So I did a 1RM of lifting my right arm and hugging her back; Rosa would be proud for me still pushing my records. As she pushed herself against me, the wheels in my head started turning. I wasn't home, I wasn't at Stella's. She had gotten too worn down for this to just have been a long night. Panic set in, so I returned to my mantra: I am Anon, I live in an apartment downtown. I work out at the gym with my old friend Rosa on thursdays and sundays. For a living I do the IT and webshop for a weebstore. I've been in this bed for way longer than a night. I feel heavy, my limbs won't move like they used to. I went to Volcadera High, where I... I can feel the soft sheets on my fingertips, and Stella's warm body against me. She's still crying.
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"Stella, please... I feel so incredibly lost. What happened?" my voice betrays me, cracking up from the fear that has begun creeping into me.
"I... I- I- I've just been so worried about you..."
"Please, what happened?"
"I knew you were going to come back, I knew it."
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There's that funny feeling, again. My guts turned, something wasn't right. 'Come back' from what?
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Then the insight comes to me, a vision of the world spinning around as I stand in the stairwell, then tumbling backwards down a whole flight of stairs. The feeling of losing control of my own body. The sickening crunch of bones againt concrete, the disgusting sensation of the broken pieces chafing together, the stinging pain of being torn up by shards of broken glass as you fall toward a cruel fate. Life having one last joke on my expense; I truly were unlucky around stairs, although this time I didn't have a Ptero to patch me up. Fang was gone, forever. And... That was alright. I'd been living in the shadow of that memory for all too long, I didn't want to die while still feverishly clutching to a broken memento. I didn't want to die at all.
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Breathing the air, feeling her warmth, seeing the world through my own eyes once again. Living without those sensations made the absolute end at the edge of the great beyond even more horrifying. It felt good to have my heart racing at the realization that I was, by dumb luck, still alive. My body is in terrible shape, but I am alive. I can recover from this.
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I gently stroked Stella's back with my one unoccupied hand, hushing her and kissing the top of her head. The wires attached to me, and by proxy the devises they were protroduing from, rattle against each other in response to my slow return to life as I hold on to the woman currently crying her heart out into my chest. It feels alien; being a stranger in my own body dropped into an unfamiliar situation. Sensory deprivation into an emotional overload.
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"A-a-a-non... I've missed you."
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Her tone is heartbreaking and there's a deep sadness draping her words. She probably hasn't been doing well since I took the dive, that much was apparent. Her body felt so much lighter when pressed against mine than I remembered, was she even eating? I could probably lift her up with one arm at this point. I keep stroking her hair as I think about all that has happened, but her shivering tells me she needs affirmation of her pain, the burden she has carried.
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"I'm sorry for leaving you all alone. I never meant to."
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A short pause, a breather to let my words sink in. Stella's crying has calmed down, now that she seems to have gotten the worst out of her system. She looks up at me, teary eyed but with a smile, and raises a hand to stroke my cheek. Her hand is cool, a bit damp with tears, but smooth to the touch. I close my eyes, leaning into the gentle touch. I have missed this, and I have missed her. She smells like home, the lingering scent of her incense- and spice-scented apartment combined with her floral perfume was all too familiar to me by now. If this moment would last forever, I would live here. Her tender touch turns just a bit firmer, holding my face in her hand. I can feel her leaning in... Oh Raptor Jesus, is she going to... The moment stretches out into an eternity as I feel her body pressing up against mine, then her soft green hair falls softly upon my face, and I close my eyes. It's like heaven, her soft lips brushing up against mine in a gentle kiss releasing the years of slowly built up longing and weeks of worrying that it might all be lost. I lean into it, reaching my hand up to the back of her head, stroking it tenderly. The long kiss turns into multiple small ones, trying the waters, neither of us really wanting to let go. I can feel her tears stream down her cheeks, landing on mine. I hug her tight, and we finally break the kiss, still leaning in close to each other resting our heads against one another, faces merely inches away. Her long tail starts wrapping around my legs, holding me close.
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"I love you, Anon. Don't leave me alone ever again."
"And I love you. I'm not planning to fall down any more stairs."
"Do you promise me that?"
"I do."
"Good."
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We stay in the embrace, I nuzzle my nose affectionately against her snoot. Her messy green hair is everywhere by now, covering us both since she's on top. I want this, but am I ready yet? There was still so much I had to sort out, before I could even be ready to jump into a relationship. I was dying, then I died, then I came back. I have many things left unresolved... I need to talk to the real Lucy, eventually, or I would never be able to truly move on. But that was a problem for the Anon in the future, for now, I'll enjoy sharing the moment with Stella. Her tail is still hugging me.
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We stay like this, for hours. Cuddling up to each other while she tells me about her life, and how she has been doing. The first week, she stayed at my bead all the time, and as she recalls this she kisses me on the cheek. Some tears come running down her cheeks as she tells me, but she wipes them away and goes on. After that, she got some release when Rosa took over, sending her home to recover for a day or two at a time. It had been good for her, it had given her perspective and some breathing room to be away from constanly sitting by a bedside, worrying about me, even if I still occupied her thoughts.
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"You know, Rosa took it pretty hard, too?"
"How come?"
"She knew that she sent you to me, she blames herself for aggressively pushing you to sort things out."
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It would have been hard on her, feeling that she caused this. I can't imagine how hard she would have beat herself up over halfway killing me, even if she had nothing to do with it. I didn't blame her, after all. She had got me moving, but the attack had been all on me, and I really needed to clean up my act if I would have any chance to live a normal life. Ghosts from a decade ago is no reason for me to stop living altogether.
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"It wasn't Rosa's fault, or anyone's for that matter. I just..." so I trail off, the words escaping me. How do I tell her, after our intimacy, that Fang was still here?
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"I know you keep beating yourself up for Fang, Anon."
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Maybe I could still sort it out? A few halftruths and then... Wait, what? Oh no. Oh no no no no. This isn't the way, I need to sort this out, and quick.
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"What? Noooo, it's... I've just been in a bad place."
"I know all about it. You have had nightmares when you've slept over, and you talk in your sleep. I don't judge you, but..." trailing off, she rests her head against my chest. Her snoot is big enough to not give me much space left to breathe. She takes a deep breath, I can see the multiple-ton weight on her heart start to show it's face. She hides her face by pressing it against my chest.
"I can't compete with her, and I know that. I just want as much of you that I can have." then she looks up, her eyes still tearstained, but with a determination: "Even if I have to fight ghosts for it."
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Is there anything I can say to give those words a proper response? I want to give her the world, but right now it's not mine to give, I'm stuck with this yoke, shackled to the past. But now, I know what to do about it; I can't keep putting it off forever. There are things I need to do and I need to do them soon enough that I can solve them before I don't have any time left. There was no way I'd make it down a stair face-first for a third time.
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"I care so very very much about you, my green-haired saiai. I want us to be together."
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Here I go, breaking one more heart. Repeating history. But this time, I'm in control and doing this for the better instead of drunkenly tearing apart someone's world. This time, I will shape the future for the better instead of running away from my responsibilities. I will finally kill off Fang, and be free to live my own life. Continute upon the path I've been treading back and forth on since back in Volcadera.
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"Stella?"
"Mhmm?"
"I have things left to do, before I'm ready for a proper relationship again."
"I had a feeling." and even if she's trying to keep it in, I know it's hurting her. She's seen through it all, so I'm better off telling her the truth. Well, from this point, I suppose being honest with her all the way through is the way to go. Half-truths and hiding things away would only bring her more pain.
"There are things left resolving, trauma left to sort out. Leaving it all to fester is what caused me to..." losing my train of thought, to the fog, I do what usually works; my mantra brings me back after only a few seconds, so I can finish. Stella's just been waiting patiently during my pause.
"Fang's still an aching wound. I know I hurt them, and before the whole ordeal with my attack I ran into Lucy again, bringing up all kinds of memories and aches."
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Stella grabs my shirt hard with one hard, grasping on to me as hard as she can. I realize she too knows that I might slip away, for good, if nothing changes.
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"Will I ever be enough, to live up to Fang?"
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I freeze. Would she? Could anyone ever? That goth Ptero changed my life, I was truly happy for the first time in nineteen years when I got caught up in their life. Well, I guess it's 'her life' now that she's back to Lucy. Raptor Jesus now life has gone and become as complicated as back then once more. Returning to the question, maybe Stella could be enough? Well, she was more than enough; she was the perfect woman in my eyes. It wasn't up to her if we could work, however, as it was my issues I had to sort out. My life that I had to rearrange into something less resemblant of infected scar tissue around a ten year old wound.
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"You will. I only have to make sure that I can live up to myself without Fang."
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I knew this was the right path. But why did it hurt like hell to bring those words up, to hurt her now to keep her from more pain down the lane? To give her such horrid news after once more rekindling her hope? Here goes nothing:
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"There are things I need to sort out, for myself. But I want to be with you Stella, even if it can't be us right now."
"How long will I have to wait?"
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How long would it take? A few day, a phonecall and a smokebreak with Fang to sort our issues out? A month of therapy? Even longer, before I could move on completely? I dared not say.
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"I don't know. If I told you, it would only set you up for disappointment if I can't heal as fast as I want to.", she sighs deeply in response and I can feel her body resting more heavily upon mine. She hugs me tighter, then speaks into my chest, her tiny and sad voice barely audible if it weren't for the complete silence in the room:
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"I can't wait forever, you know?", she digs her face so deep into my chest I swear I can feel my ribs starting to cave in. She continues:
"I've waited for years, now. Even after you broke up with Fang, you never left her behind. I don't want to wait forever."
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This time it's me hugging her tight. I never want to let go, if I could just keep her here with us two living in the moment while staying away from all the responsibilities that would come once time resumed and daylight came back, then I would be content with life.
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"I don't want to wait forever, either. I promise, I'll get throught with this."
"If you don't, you know I will have to move on."
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Those words cut through me like a knife; the stakes at hand were to lose another person I held dear. I would never let that happen, the reptilian overlords themselves would have to come down and smite me should they have any chance at stopping me. I could change the future, even if the past was set in stone. Maybe even the past could be redeemed; maybe I too deserved to live, despite all I had done to those I held dear.
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"I know."
"Good. Then don't let me go."
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We kept lying all wound up in each other with Stella coiled up tight around me, without saying anything more. There were no words left, there were no fears that we could amend right now. We could only share this moment of love and care, embracing each other and feeling the safety of just one night together before life once again had to resume. Then I let sleep once more roll over me, dragging me into the dreamless nothingness.