# Catching Up Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Recovery
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The morning light brough with it a whole new set of responsibilities. Stella left early, she had to go to work, but promised to be back in the evening. The doctors came in and did all sorts of checkups on me while they informed me about the recovery program I would have to go through. The issues with moving, eating and just adjusting to not being in a black void were the primary issues I had to tackle. Putting in the hard work to get going gave me a solid goal to strive for, so just like when Rosa pushed me to the gym I pushed myself into doing my daily goals to progress. It took time, in the evenings I got a short visit from Stella, Rosa or Tracy, but nothing too impactful since I were exhausted from the physiotherapy and adjusting to being alive again. I was usually half asleep when they did come around. Altough I did keep a diary that I updated in the day, when I was still awake and energetic enough to keep my thoughts clear.
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In the first weekend, Stella came by to spend almost her whole day in my room. We talked, about our respective plans for the future and what we wanted to do. I told her about my plans to keep going in the store, maybe invest and expand to give us a bit more to bite into. I talked about my diary, how I had collected my thoughts and ideas about everything that had happened and how I would try and sort things out once I finally had gotten out of this place and back to regular life. Stella told me about the new anime releases, the newest cosplay she was working on, how she'd tried to cook Gyoza after watching Dorohedoro but failed miserably. The apartment still smelled of smoke, apparently.
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Life passes, I see the sun rise and fall from behind my windows, and before I know it I've reached the point where I can walk and eat solely on my own. I can even do both with a fair bit of elegance, upon which I blame my olympian physical shape, Zyzz bless, from before the accident. So now I owe it to Rosa for saving my life two times. Eh, she did sort of kill me this one time when she rushed me over to Stella, so it probably evens out. I haven't really been able to reach her there days, was she blaming herself for what happened; could I tell her it wasn't her fault without sounding cliché? I need to set things straight, the days of the Anon who lets things drift by him is gone. So I call her cell and let it ring until it hits voicemail twice before I just opt to text her instead; she's most likely busy teaching the teenage snotfilled meteor-dodgers. I never understood how she could have enough patience to do that for a living, even with her unwavering faith in Raptor Jesus and dinosaurity.
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"Hey, Rosa! Finally getting out today, you want to meet up this afternoon/evening? Give me a call!"
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I let it rest, she'll contact me when she's got some time away from teaching, or when she's ready to see me again. Stella wanted to come see me when I checked out, but I told her that would like to get to stand up and leave on my own to really get that feeling of self-realization which I had been without for so many weeks now, to which she reluctantly complied but only if I promised to spend the night at her place afterwards. Didn't take much convincing for me to agree to not have to spend my first evening out in my stuffy apartment. Walking out, I'm met with the ill omen of rain-bearing gray skies, but I won't let such a thing dishearten me, it's still nice to be able to go wherever I want once again since all the workouts only had us taking short walks inside the courtyard at most. Now I was freed from the shackles of being the handicapped basket case who jumped down a flight of stair, at least until the next time Trish or Lucy hears about it. Where were they, anyhow? I thought Lucy might have found out, even if Trish had gone far away from Volcadera to I-don't-know-where-the-fuckistan. Might as well head downtown before the skies open 'cause then I can at least 'borrow' an umbrella from a nearby lost-and-found, a trick that had saved me at least once before. My bike was still at Stella's so I'll have to walk down these, I'll just take it slow to not overexert myself. It would be nice to finally grab that coffee at Tracy's, maybe weasel my way into a free lunch since the hospital bills did stack up quite high after all; also to take the opportunity to thank her for sticking by Stella even if she basically didn't know us at all. Tracy had been a godsend.
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I have to stop and catch my breath a few times as I move downtown, sitting down on a busstop or outside a nearly empty café, with the thought of Rosa's rehab workout schedule scaring me enough to not stop too long. I will suffer, but at least I will have a cute latina shouting at me as I repeatedly approach the pearly gates to wave at Scooby before my soul comes back down to the gym; my life for the next months had been set in stone. I could always follow Trish's example, start a new life somewhere. Live out my days without being smothered in heavy plates, nutritional shakes and body aches. Maybe...
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Tracy's diner looks about the same from the outside as it did that evening: clean and empty tables pushed together and secured by a chain to the wall. Inside it was stuffed, if this is how full it is on a regular day-to-day basis I understand how Tracy couldn't be hanging out at the hospital too often. In fact, I'm impressed she could even get away for as long as she did; I had an immense debt to her for helping Stella through it all even when this supposedly was her everyday worklife.
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"Helloooo, welcome to Tracy's Diner! We're a bit full right now, but feel free to wait a few minutes and we will find you a table or you can order to go!"
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Holy shit, a cute overhyped bubblegum pink apatosaurus is looking at me for confirmation. At least modern Anon could keep a lid on his pasta Alfredo, no need to spill more than necessary.
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"I am very... cute. Yes please. Tracy.", oh shit. All higher brain functions suspended, returning to monkey.
"Excuse me, I didn't quite catch that?", either she ignored my spergout or she missed it completely, now that's a serviceminded girl.
"Ah, I'm here to see Tracy. She's not expecting me, but she told me to drop by some time."
"Ahaa, and your name?"
"Anon. Anon Y. Mous, old friend of Tracy's."
"I'll go see her right away, just hang tight!"
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Her bubbly personality is infectious, the pep in her step and singsong tone of her voice is bordering on being too much while still staying sweet. If the food was half as good as the service, I understood why this place was filled to the brim. Was I an old friend to Tracy, is that what we were? She had come in to mentor me in my times of need, never expecting anything back. I'll have to find a way to pay her back somehow; a party, helping out at the diner, or maybe just use my retard strength whenever she needed a hand with moving things around. She did look like she was ripe for expanding her business, as long as she got her hands on some staff that could man a bigger diner. Before I fully plan out my way of returning the favor, my thought are interrupted by the sucrose waitress speeding her way towards me again.
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"Hey hey hey! Yes! She's got a few minutes, just come through, we'll get you sorted! Follow me!"
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She grabs my hand before I can even utter a response, dragging me at full speeds through the crowded diner. My body isn't used to being speedy, or being dragged, or having a sugary overdose. Especially not all of those at the same time. Being dragged through the doors into the back, I see Tracy, a few cooks and another waitress going about their business. Tracy cracks a smile, and moves in for a full-force hug that I have to brace myself for to not get absolutely demolished; there's an unexpected amount of strength in her relatively small body. She quickly introduces the kitchen staff by name, but it falls out of my memory quicker than a cheap meat out of teflon, before we make her way back to her office with two big cups of coffee and some biscuits. We drop down into a couple of well-worn armchairs, which are surprisingly comfy.
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"So, Anon, how's it feel to be a free man once again?"
"Better than I could ever describe with words."
"Must be nice to have your freedom."
"Nicer than you'd be able to guess."
"So how's your shape now? I can feel you've dropped in weight, and strength. You got plans to recover? There's always a meal here should you need one."
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She's being too polite, just spouting out niceties. I know someone wouldn't do that without any scheme in the back of their head. But... Tracy really looks genuine when she says it; the warmth in her eyes and genuine joy to see me back at my feet makes my all too harsh worldview shift just enough to believe her. Maybe she does care about me enough to do that. It feels unusual, to have someone actually care for you. It feels good.
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"I appreciate it. And... I'm glad for everything you've done for us. Not just me, but for Stella and Rosa. They needed someone to be there, and you were there without even knowing any of us."
"Nonsense, I know you. I know Stella too, we've encountered each other a few times before when she's needed someone to be there and give her advice."
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Wait, Stella had needed advice too? She never told me that she knew Tracy, or had been in such a spot. The surprised look on my face must be apparent, so Tracy follows up:
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"She never told you? That girl of yours has had her fair share of troubles too. You're both equally stubborn in keeping it in, you know?", a small blush moves up to my cheeks. Is Stella my girl? Was that what we were? I don't know if I was ready for that yet, I didn't want to ruin it.
"She's not... Well, I'm not... I can't. I'm not ready to commit to such a thing yet. I'm too..."
"I know you, kid. You'll never be ready, these things hit you when you're at the most un-ready point of your life. They always do. The question is, will you make yourself ready, or will you let it slip between your fingers?"
"I don't want to lose her."
"Then don't lose her. If things fail down the line, at least comfort yourself with knowing that you did try. You can never do much more than try."
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There's a comfortable silence in the air as we both let the words echo out, sipping on our coffee. I admire the office, it's compact but comfy. Pictures of the old hotdog stand, of what I assume are old friends and landscape paintings litter the walls. There's a huge overloaded bookcase with a mixture of fiction and old stacks of accounts for the diner. There are some framed photographs on the desk, but I can't see them from this angle; maybe Tracy had a husband, kids, family and a dog at home. Maybe she didn't. How did she know so much about life, yet lived in such a small corner of a huge city?
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"I'm not going to lose her. I want this; I want her in my life. I can't let this go without trying."
"Good monkey. You've learned since last time."
"Fuck you, meteor-dodger. It's been a decade since last time, I can't wall myself away."
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We both chuckle, it's nice to let out some of the pent up steam that's been building up. We talk some more about life, she listens in on what's been going on in my life the last decade. I tell her about the dead-end jobs, the NEETdom, the therapy and the lack of will to live. I talk about the rebounds on Dinodr, the inability to hold a relationship when I'm still stuck with Fang, and I even let loose the truth about how I was still hearing Fang's voice in the back of my head berating me. Tracy nods along, like last time. But she smiles back when I talk about the few good parts, like how my life started to get back on track when I found my old friends from highschool, when therapy started working out for me or when I finally managed to move past Fang and all that had happened.
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"You really loved her with all your heart, didn't you?", there's a sadness in her voice. A pity intervowen between her words.
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It breaks my heart. Reliving a fraction of it still hurts like hell, even if I've stopped missing it and even if I've quit trying to go back there. Tears form in the corners of my eyes, but I don't bawl my eyes out this time, instead I just nod slowly.
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"If you love her, and if she loved you as much, then she wouldn't want you to stay and suffer."
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I keep nodding. I try and croak out an answer, my voice won't carry it without cracking but I still push through:
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"I loved her, and she loved me. That's why I've got to move on now. I'll settle my debts, and move on. I'll try and catch up with Lucy one last time, see if there's anything left I can sort out."
"Are you sure that is a wise idea? Hasn't she moved on?"
"She's still in pain, too. If I can ease that pain even a little bit, then I owe it to her to do so."
"You really have matured, Anon. I'm proud of you."
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Hearing someone be proud of me, it's rare. Especially when it isn't sarcastic. Mom and dad always berated me, or said it sarcastically, so I'd never believe it when someone said so before. Then why did it feel so good to hear Tracy say it? She puts a hand on my shoulder, and keeps talking:
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"You've done good, son. Keep at it, and I'm sure you'll be able to grow into a dependable man for Stella. And don't worry too much! Life's too short to be an angsty about every single thing. Trust me on that."
"Do you regret much, Stella?"
"I regret a lot, that's what happens when you live. But you have to stick to a path and follow it through, staying at the crossroad thinking about 'what ifs' will never make you happy."
"That's... Surprisingly insightful."
"I've been told I have wisdom and insight aplenty. It adds up over the years, too."
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My phone buzzes to life, the metal gear solid detection ringtone feels oddly out of place in our calm conversation. Rosa is calling.
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"Well, it was good to catch up. It's been almost two hours now, so I guess we both have to get going. I'll let you catch that call, and meet up with Rosa."
"Thanks! Wait, how did you kno-"
"Even if you might consider yourself an unemotional slab of monkey, it's easy to read you. Now pick it up! She'll need some comfort and thankfulness too."
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Tracy gets up, I swear that woman is an omnipotent deity guiding me towards the righteous path, as I answer the phone. She brings the cups and the now empty plate, waving at me as she gets out through the door and back into the kitchen.
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"BUENAS NOCHES, A-NOOON! I am so glad you have finally gotten out! I have cake, a new schedule for rehab, la celebración! You must come tonight, meet la familia and tell us how you have been doing! I am sorry I missed your call earlier, so much work with the kids, you understand?"
"Rosaaa! Good to hear from you again! I'd love to come by."
"It is settled! Come by at 7! I will see you then!"
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The call abruptly comes to a close. I guess that leaves me with enough time to go by the Dino-Mart before heading to Casa de Rosa. Reluctant on leaving the armchair, I sit back for a few more minutes to ponder just how fast things were moving, once again. Life is speeding by at a pace it hasn't done since the navy, or back in Volcadera. I'm caught in the merry-go-round with an aggressive carnie spinning my teapot at speeds approaching a sonic boom, holding on for dear life while trying to keep my innards from becoming my outards. But it felt good, to be alive once again; to be given this second change and to fix things. To set things straight. I can't rewrite the past to get my happily-ever-after with Fang, but maybe I could make an effort to nudge Fang, I mean Lucy, towards a better life at the present by burying the hatchet and resolving all painful things we left behind. It sure was worth a shot. Moving on from the soft embrace of the well-worn miniature couch, I head back towards the kitchen, wave goodbye to the staff, and head out throught the back exit they point me towards. The alley is quiet and cold; the air is damp and smells petrichor, it must have rained while I was talking to Tracy.
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Last time I walked the path from Tracy's to Dino-Mart I was mentally devastated and not keeping track of time, but it's barely a ten minute walk to get there when emotionally sober. It feels like the entire path is uphill, the straight road stretching out for an eternity. I can't believe I'm heading back there after how she reacted last time. But, this was the last time I'd stick my neck out for Lucy before I move on completely; Fang is gone and I've got to live my own life. Now Lucy is the one who needs help living past her traumas, and even if she's the one that has to sort out her own issues I'll give her a chance to do it.
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Entering the D-Mart, it hits me like the rotting stench of a bloated corpse. The absolutely horrid tunes are still going at it; I understand why store clerks go postal if this is their reality, combined with annoying and entitled customers this truly is a circle of hell. Wait, what if Lucy isn't working today? What if she got sick and tired of this purgatory and moved on in the weeks I was bedridden? Fuck, I'm retarded for not considering that. Well, nothing lost nothing gained, so I head up to a pinacosaurus pushing a cart full of vegetables. Asking her about Lucy, if she's still working here, and if she's got time to see an old friend. She answers in a monotone voice that Lucy is here today but is on break, and by what name her friend goes by, so she can contact her. I don't know if I'm feeling more relieved that she's still here or absolutely spaghettispillingly nervous that I'm actually going to try and talk to her again. I tell the zombified dino that my name is Anon, and she uses her small radio to call for Lucy. I half expect to be blown off, to be told to go to hell and never return with the threat of Ripley tearing me limb from limb should I ever come closer to her than a mile.
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Surprisingly, the clerk tells me I can head to the breakroom further in back, Lucy will be there to let me in. Lucy will be there to let me in. LUCY will be there to let ME in. It's hard to grasp the reality, and the clerk just shrugs her shoulders and moves on with her cart as I stand there in shock. I force my legs to move, left foot right foot left foot right foot, slowly pushing myself against the strong tides crashing into me from inbetween the aisles stacked with depressing canned foods, the same foods I'd been living off until Rosa had a furious talk with me about how I was ruining my body with cheap junk; opting instead to push me to get into mexican cooking and mealprepping.
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The door is open, Lucy standing there looking at me as I approach. She doesn't look as venomous as last time, and her eyes weren't filled with repressed hatred. There was... A sadness? A hint of compassion, and something else I couldn't really pinpoint. Maybe this was our chance to fix the hurt we'd both been living with for all this time. I smile, wave, and she reciprocates.
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"Long time no see, Lucy."
"It sure has been. I heard you died?", wait, how did she find out?
"I got better."
"I was worried. Anyhow, come in, and we can chat a bit away from this shitty fucking music. I hear enough of it already."
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We head in, move through the corridor, past the breakroom and a couple of closed doors before Fang leads me out back to the loading bay, where she sits down at the edge of the concrete pier. She pulls out a pack of smokes, shaking one out and putting it between her lips and offers me one too. I politely decline, to which she looks surprised but still puts away the pack. I sit down next to her, as she pulls out a lighter and takes a deep drag from the cheap cigarette.
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"I was half expecting you not to make it, you know?"
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Silence. I don't know how to respond. Was she hoping I'd die? Would it have made her life any easier to see me obliterated? She takes another drag, before looking back at me. I look at her, for some reason she looks sad? Why would she be sad, that one of the biggest mistakes she had ever made would still be alive and well? She opens her mouth, almost letting some words slip, before biting her lip. I take the time to look her over, once again. She's tattoed, full of scars, still as overweight. But... Something had changed since last time, her hair was growing out and her makeup was simple but properly made. She didn't have any fresh pruning marks, compared to last time when they were still raw. Had she started to clean her act up, and if so; why? She opens her mouth again, and this time she makes it:
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"I didn't know how to feel. I was still mad at you, I blamed you for a lot of shit. But... It wasn't really your fault, I had fucked up. It was just nice to have someone to blame, you know?", she takes a drag before she continues: "A scapegoat for everything I fucked up after highschool. I didn't go to college, I didn't move out, the band broke up and I just told Trish and Reed to fuck off after everything they did to us."
"It wasn't really their fault, though. They wanted the best for you, even if they got... A bit off-track."
"Now THAT is one helluva understatement."
"It sure is. The point is, our talk before... Before everything happened to you." she looks down, she can't look me in the eye as she says it, "it made me think, you know? About how I had been acting, about how I'd been handling my life. About how I still blamed you for everything, and just excused all the shit that's been building up, all the shit I've done, on you."
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She sighs, and we sit there, letting the silence speak for us. Maybe she too had grown since then, maybe she had finally gotten to the part where she could heal. Maybe, just maybe, we could help each other patch over the past and move on.
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"I saw it on Rosa's Snootstagram. A picture from your hospital room, some cheap angelic filter applied to everyone in the picture. Stella looked miserable, you know? And then there was this orange girl I didn't recognize, but I guess you've found more people you can actually get along with since last I knew you. It got me... Worried, for some reason."
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Why would Lucy be worried about me? She hated my guts then.
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"Worried because I'd never be able to clear the air, worried that I would hold on to the grudge for the rest of my life. I once loved you more than anything, Anon, and I dreamed for a life together far away from this shitty town."
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The words burrowed in under my skin with barbs, I knew the feeling all too well. It's been haunting me ever since it all went to shit.
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"A life where we wouldn't have to go down the same path as our parents, where I could be Fang without anyone tearing into me or judging me, where I could live on without the past looming over me."
"So why didn't you move on?"
"The things you said... How you ran away... You made a good point. I just pushed away everyone else that tried to get me to see that, but you were too important for me to push away. I couldn't bring myself to do it. So I thought over my life, my identity. How Trish had been using my slowly declining mindstate to push her own agenda. And even if she did it out of good intentions, it really fucked me up."
"She was always a bit overzealous with matters concerning her friends."
"She sure was.", and Fang smiles. She seems to reminisce about something, seeing her happy once more is soothing. Seeing that she once again can look happy.
"So have you been staying in touch?"
"For a while after you and me broke up, then I cut her out of my life."
"That's a shame."
"Took Reed out at the same time, he was just acting as her apologist when I tried to keep only him around."
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I can't imagine how devastating it is to lose the person you love and your only two friends at the same time. To truly have nothing.
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"I tried to have the courage to reach out to you again, Anon. But it was hard to... Actually try and patch things up since you still probably hated me for my temper tantrum. Otherwise you would have contacted me, tried to sort things out. So I just let you be, hoping you'd find something better than me."
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The realization hits me like a truck. I can't breathe. The world is spinning around me, I can feel my heart skip beats, the rush of blood in my ears drowning out the sounds of the world.
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We had both run away from the person we loved, to avoid hurting them more, instead of facing the problems we did have head on. We could have had our happily ever after had we not both given up.
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I don't want to be part of this world anymore, the suffering that comes with it is unbearable.