# Catching Up Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Acceptance
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The walk is long, giving me time to think and reflect. So what if it happened, or what if Stella and Rosa just misunderstood Fang's questions. What if it's just a long nightmare, that I'll wake up from held in Stella's arms, kissing her goodmorning and cuddling. This can't be the reality I have to face, there is no chance Stella would do that to me; but would she do it for herself instead? It can't be like this. There's too much cruelty hailing down on me if there's any truth behind what Lucy said.
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This time, I need to sort this out before I hit the road. Make my choice before it is made for me; standing up for what I want and the people that I want to be with. I would have to start with actually confronting Stella, but would I have time before I was supposed to Rosa, or should I just make a raincheck and focus on sorting things out? Option number two: contact Rosa and find out her side of the story, before I blow everything me and Stella have built up together to kingdom come. The initial shock from Lucy's relevation was settling in, I needed to confirm it before I let it take me over completely.
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"You know she's telling the truth. Deep down, you feel it. Things not adding up, conversations omitting something big as they lead them towards a new subject, the small worried glares she'd shoot you when you asked about the past."
"I need to handle this like an adult, I'm not the immature kid I was back then."
"You're right, you have become an immature adult! Feeling guilt and shame for a decade about a fuckup that you did once, and that severed you from the only person that has ever truly loved you!"
"Humor me for a second, Fang. Why are you terrorizing me?"
"I'm not Fang, dweeb. I'm you. You want to let things go, you want to rush into this and break their lies apart. To have the right of way to act out retribution for the deeds they have done to you."
"That's not what I want."
"Oh, but you do.", the smirk on her face as she knows that she's right is really rubbing it in.
"I want to be happy again."
"And you also want to ruin it now, so you can't ruin it later. Break the cycle through the only way you know."
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I swallow hard, there's the truth. The uncomfortable truth that I've been hiding from myself for far too long, I didn't want to try in case things wouldn't work out. I didn't want to put anything at stake, because then I could lose everything all over again. Had life always been this complicated, or did it just periodically decide to send these trials my way for some sort of divine retribution?
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"Here are your choices; option one: go to Rosa, talk things through and get to the bottom of this before you go to Stella. This, would bring the possibility of Rosa telling on you, tearing Stella away from you before there's even a chance to work things through. Because, you know, there's still a chance Lucy was lying to you for her own sake? Option two: go directly to Stella, move in without raising suspicion then catch her in the act by bringing up Lucy and then sharing the information you were given. Her reaction will give you everything you need to know."
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This was a living nightmare. There was no correct option, no safe route. Life was never as simple and straightforward as virtual novels made it out to be.
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"Option three: you run away from everything, take your savings and move to a new town. Create the fresh start you've been so desperately craving for, unshackling yourself from your past. You're already a ghost with a killcount, how impactful could it be to leave two more corpses in your wake?"
"Stella's not just something I can leave behind completely."
"You have already left me behind; twice. At this point you're a professional."
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Lucy's warm embrace, feeling her body against mine, our last kiss. I could live on that memory; make a new life where I could once again find something like that.
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"Leaving things behind is not as bad as it seems. Starting over isn't as scary as you'd think."
"So I'll keep running my entire life, is that the hand I've been dealt by fate?"
"You'll keep running until you find another reason to stay somewhere. Like you've always done."
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Running did feel good. Not facing your troubles; staying out of harms way while fading into obscurity and not being the target of anyone's ire. I didn't want to stir shit up, then be haunted by it for years to come. I stop my stride, my body feels heavy; not exhausted from walking, but like I can't take another step towards what awaited me. No matter the path I take from here I'd be fighting an uphill battle.
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So I'd better fight for something I believed in, instead of regretting my choice ten years from now.
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"Are you completely retarded!? WHY? DON'T YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S BEEN DOING TO YOU?"
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I knew it to be true, but I had to be sure. I had to be absolutely certain that this stego actually has been tearing up the wound that the darkness threatening to swallow me whole was oozing out of. I don't know if I could take losing the two loves of my life on the same day, there was a grim uncertainty about if I would be able to recover from it. There's a special feeling, a weird longing, a lingering process of understanding exactly WHERE everything went wrong. The point where after sharing so much time together, so much time loving each other, you pass the event horizon. You peek past the crest of the mountain you've been climbing together, and you see the descent. You know that there isn't a way back, there's no point where you can reset. You've gone to the peak, you have done ALL you could ever hope to do, but then it has to come crashing down.
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The peak had been reached. There was but one path ahead. So I force my legs to start moving again, there could be no other resolution to this.
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"YOU'RE A DISAPPOINTMENT; ME, ROSA, STELLA, NAOMI, NASER, WILL YOU NEVER JUST LEAVE THINGS AS THEY ARE? YOU ARE A BLIGHT THAT EVERYONE WHO GETS TOO CLOSE TO YOU HAS TO SUFFER THROUGH."
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I see Fang, in her punkrocker clothes as she's screaming for everything she's got. Feathers standing up, wings unfurled, face contorted into the furios visage that had been burned into my retinas back then. Fuming with rage.
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"Fang, Lucy, babe. It's all right."
"NO, it is NOT okay. If you pass this point, you won't come back."
"If I don't pass, I'll never be able to leave."
"If you never leave, it could be us forever."
"I can't live in the past for any longer, I'm getting older too. I will wither away here, a prisoner of a desolate cell."
"I just want you to be happy, Anon."
"I know. But I think I finally understand; I have to make my own happiness instead of waiting around for it.", embracing her as the heavy breathing slowly ebbs out and her wings lower.
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She drops her posture, hugging me back, and her wings envelop us.
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"I did this for you."
"I have to do this, for myself."
"I understand."
"So just hold me, for a while longer.", the softness of her feathers and homely scent is comforting, "I need this. I need the strength to walk up those stairs again, to both hear her truth and to share my own."
"Stay safe."
"I know you'll have my back."
"Oh Anon, it was always you. You were strong through it all, and I'm so proud of you. I just tagged along for the ride.", she gives me a small kiss on the top of head.
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Then the feeling fades. I'm standing outside the apartment complex, I can see the lights are on in her apartment. Below, in the bike racks, my green racer still rests awaiting my return. At least I could get away fast after this; pedalling until the lactic acid in my legs dropped me onto the grass of some far-away park where I could let my troubles be soaked up by the flowering hills and the sparkling stars.
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Climbing the steps is rough, my physical shape is still just a tier above 'absolute garbage' and I've been overexerting myself with all the walking I've been doing today. My breathing is heavy, and I feel a few beads of sweat roll down my forehead as I reach Stella's floor. I need to regain my composure, steady myself before I can confront her; this is it. Deep breaths. Straight back. I don't smell like smoke, do I? Shit, too late to fix it. Time to nut up, I raise my head to look at the door, which has turned from the comforting portal to Stella's abode into a rectangular harbinger of doom. I force back my instinct to run, and stretch out my arm to ring the doorbell, then lowering it as hear her move around inside; the telltale shuffling of her slippers muffled by the door. There she was, in my minds eye, carrying on with her everyday tasks. Her oversized tshirt hanging down to her thighs, the tiny shorts barely covering her cute butt, the absolute mess of green hair she'd only show to me and only when we were at home. I had so much I wanted to tell her, so many joys I wanted to share with her, the feeling that even the worst could be endured if I just had her by my side. Tracy had a point, I had to catch love before it escaped me, but could I trust her; could I even love her after she has done this to me? There was no telling what I was feeling, the experience of being torn asunder by my conflicting emotions was making the stairwell spin.
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Deep breath. Focus. I am Anon, I've been dead for ten years. I've been beating myself up for a mistake that I've finally made up for. The woman I loved was on the opposite side of this door, and I had to make sure that I wasn't doing a mistake by trusting her. I feel... calm. And tranquil in a way I hadn't felt in a long time. My heart stops racing, the vertigo fades and color returns to the world around me. I can hear some anime OP coming from inside the apartment, she's probably settled down into the couch for the evening. 'We need to talk', 'we have something we need to discuss' or maybe 'Lucy told me everything'? Is there even a good way to start this conversation; it would hurt like hell either way. The last few inches of my journey are the longest, I can't make myself ring the doorbell and go inside. Once that door opened there was no going back, even if Stella hadn't done what Lucy accused her of doing I would have opened pandora's box just by bringing up the topic of Lucy. My mouth is dry, I've started fidgeting without really noticing it and I don't want to meet her. Not right now.
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Then the squeaky weebsounds from the TV stop, and I can hear Stella's phone ringing.
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"Hey, Rosa! How are you? Huh? Well no, I don't know where he is, we just said we'd meet up tonight at my place. No, I haven't seen him, or heard from him yet. What, you can't reach him? I'll try it then, hopefully he has been staying out of trouble. Uh-huh, yeah, alright. Yup. Hugsss, mata neeee!"
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She quiets down, I can hear some quiet mumbling from the other side of the door, the beeping of her tapping out my number on the touchscreen. Shit. Now it's too late to change my mind, so I might as well; finally reaching out and pressing the doorbell, I hear a light yelp of surprise and what is probably a phone being dropped onto a table, before she comes towards the door. I hear the peephole slide open, then a soft click as she unlocks the door.
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"Anoooonn! Where have you been, Rosa just-"
"I know, I heard."
"Then, why aren't you there? Didn't you make plans together?"
"Something came up.", this was the second time I broke up a cozy evening because something 'came up'. Hopefully it wouldn't become a new habit.
"Um, Anon, what's going on? You look...", she was eyeing me, seeing my tired posture and blank stare. Probably noticed the faint smell of nicotine as well, but she was be too polite to point any of it out.
"I look like shit. Can I come in?", mustering a smile that wouldn't sell even in a dollarstore bargain-bin, but it worked well enough to get us past the doorstep and into her apartment.
"Can I get you something, tea, soda, a snack? Oh, and I need to call Rosa too."
"Please... Please leave Rosa waiting for just a while longer, okay?"
"Why, is something wrong?", there was fear in her. Fear... Of what? Of being found out, of losing me, of having to take responsibility? Did she understand?
"There's something I need to talk to you about. Just the two of us."
"O-oh, then... Ok. Alright, sure. Modotte kimasu, one moment.", then she runs off to the kitchen, leaving me in the living room. Not wanting to be the aggressor looming over her threateningly, I grab a seat in our couch. I mean, her couch. Fuck. This will NOT be easy.
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I can hear her breathing from out here; hard, sharp and heavy breaths. Like she's struggling for air; drowning in dread. Then she already knows what's coming, I won't have to tell her to brace herself; she's well on her way to being ready for this. I hear sniffles from the kitchen, then the fridge opening and closing. A paper towel is ripped from the holder, as she's probably wiping away her tears before coming out here. My chest felt heavy; I had already started to hurt her, even before the bomb had hit; in some way we both knew it was coming, it was only a question of how we wanted to spend our last moments. I wanted to spend them with her. I get back up, my body fighting to stay down and let my aching legs rest, but I move myself off to the kitchen.
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She's standing there, holding on to the counter as if it's the only thing able to keep her anchored in the coming storm. I walk up behind her, sliding my arms around her waist, kissing the back of her head. A light cracking noise from the counter, Stellas knuckles whitening, her posture tensing up. So I just hug her tighter, slightly rocking from side to side, dancing to the silent memory of the tunes we'd once been waltzing around in her living room to. Releasing her grip on the counter, she lifts up her hands, holding on to my arms instead.
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"Anon? Please let us just stay like this for a while."
"Mhmm."
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The once so homely kitchen where we used to cook together feels alien, almost hostile. Silence comforts us both, as we gently rock back and forth together. Would I ever feel the same way for this place, or for her?
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"I don't want us to break up. Tell me if that's what happening."
"Stella... I don't know. Something has come up, something I need to understand. Something only you can tell me the truth behind.", a short pause as we both let it sink in. Neither of us were expecting me to say that. I let the flow of thoughts continue: "I don't want to break up. I want to be with you. I want to be able to trust you."
"Can we... Can we go to the livingroom?"
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I nod, and we walk the longest path I've ever traveled. For now, it was okay. For a second I could almost make myself believe that things were okay, that Stella was going to start rambling about JoJo any second now and we'd settle down, cuddle up and marathon the newest season. It might never happen again.
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We sit down, Stella pushes me over, and lays down next to me, holding me tight and wrapping herself around me; marking that she wasn't going to let go. But what if; what if we had to, what if it all would end here. Her tail coils around my legs, and every part of her is holding on to me. Even if I had my strength back, I wouldn't fight it; deep down I wanted this too. To never let go, to just stay together like this.
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"I talked to Lucy again. I met her at the Dino-Mart."
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Stella twitches, a fearful shiver running through her.
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"We... Talked about the past. We talked about how we left things, about the things we did regret and how our lives had gone since then."
"So... Is she still the one you want?"
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There's a trace of terror, a desperate young girl holding on with the last strength she could muster to the only thing she has left.
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"Even if it's haunted me... I haven't wanted Fang since back then, I've just wanted them... Her. To be happy."
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A small respite, the girl holding on for dear life breathes out.
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"It's about you, Stella. About what you did when I came back to you after my time in the military."
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She freezes. So I guess Lucy did tell the truth; I don't know whether I felt relief that I wouldn't live in uncertainty, or a deep unfullfilled longing for the future we wouldn't get to have. I don't need to press on, we had both understood. Stella was the one that had caused all this pain, she had torn me apart. She had lied to me, to keep me from Lucy. She had stolen my happily ever after. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to hate her. There was no point hating someone that had stooped so low. Indifference was the only thing that she deserved. But if so, why did it still hurt this bad?
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"I did it... For you.", tilting her face just slightly upwards so that I can see her pathetic visage, tearstained and panicked. There's nothing left in my eyes, no hatred, no love, just the glare of a hollow man. I stood face to face with reality, I could only accept it as it was. There was nothing here worth saving. Once, I could have loved her forever.
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"Anon, please believe me..."
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Pathetic, I wonder if she even believes herself at this point.
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"I didn't mean to hurt you."
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But you did. You had your chance, then you lost it.
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"I love you... I wanted to talk to you for so long, but if I had..."
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If you had told me the truth you could not have manipulated me into a relationship with you.
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"It would only pain you more. That's why I talked to Rosa about it, and we..."
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Rosa was in on it too, I knew it. I would lose her too.
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"And we..."
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You did it.
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"I..."
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Her grip softens, defeated, she simply lies against me. This... This used to be so comforting, I loved you, Stella. I wanted to stay like this forever. You didn't have to lie. You only had to love me back.
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"I love you."
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It might have been true, but there wasn't any meaning to linger on that emotion. This was pointless.
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"Say it back, please, Anon..."
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I catch her eyes, the tears have ruined the remains of her makeup. Black streaks were running down her cheeks.
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"Please..."
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There was nothing left for me here.
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"There's nothing left for me here. Let me go."
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She hardens her grip, but fury is a strong force amplifier. There wasn't any point to holding back either, at this point I didn't care any more.
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"ANON! PLEASE!"
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"This is the part where I walk away."
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"ANON!"
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Pushing her off me, the tears and sobbing grows in strength. She's clutching after me, grabbing on to anything and everything that could bring me back.
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Then I'm out of her apartment.
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Then I'm outside of her building.
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I feel a pack of cigarettes Lucy must have left me in the pocket of my jacket. Or... Maybe it was a parting gift from Fang. The sweet relief of nicotine would make the night better.
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I couldn't even imagine how my life would be, should this be the last time I ever saw her.