# Deathtouch Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Clarity
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In fits and starts – over long, painful days – my strength started to return to me. I wasn’t going to say I felt good at any point, but over time I slowly noticed myself beginning to feel less worse.
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Each time I returned to aching awareness, laying there in the hospital I could barely see, the phantom returned.
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Each time I saw it, it asked me if I was ready to leave the pain behind and pass on.
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Each time I answered no, it seemed a little less spirited about it the next time it came back.
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Each time I took a moment to try and look around, my blurry surroundings seemed to manifest themselves a little more clearly, until I could almost swear I could distinguish shapes and hear noises again.
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The last time I’d seen the imitation Fang, its heart had barely seemed in it at all. It had asked quietly if I wanted to go, and I’d denied it as firmly as ever. With nothing more than a nod and a flutter of its tattered wings, it had leaned back against the wall, folded its arms, and said nothing at all until I fell asleep again.
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Now as I awoke, something seemed different. Although still sore and foggy, it wasn’t nearly as bad as before. I could still feel the ventilator in my throat, but it wasn’t as intrusive. I actually felt oddly... lightweight, like I could haul myself up and sit up straight on the hospital bed if I chose to. I mean, I wasn’t going to chance it, but I probably could. Probably.
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The ghost was there as usual, but even it seemed different. It was sitting far away this time, not even looking at me, just quietly singing to itself.
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“... I could sell a one-way to absolution... To the holy abstract where we’ll never drift back ashore...” It was tapping its foot and its tail to the rhythm as it sang, just like Fang did. From this distance, in this moment of relative peace, it actually really resembled her – I might have been fooled if I didn’t know better. “I’ve been living on the far side, I’ve been leaving footprints in your mind...”
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“Seems a bit on the nose,” I commented. To my amusement it actually gave a start, looking over at me in shock as I interrupted it. “You make that up yourself?”
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“Oh! Ah – No, I just like it, is all.” Althought clearly caught off guard, it recovered after only a moment. It stood up and dusted itself off casually. “Didn’t realize you were ready already.”
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“Ready for what?” I asked cautiously.
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Its demeanour changed as it approached me, each step slower and more deliberate than the last. I held its gaze the whole way as it came to stand next to me, looking down at me with a serious air.
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“This will probably be the last time we meet.” It began. “I’m supposed to ask if you want to let go in your moment of weakness, but I won’t bother this time. I’m sure you’ve noticed your condition improving – the next time you wake, it’ll be for real. I don’t doubt she’ll be right at your side waiting for you.”
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It felt like my breath caught for a moment, even though the ventilator was still doing its job. “So I’m going to make it?”
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“There’s no shadow of a doubt at this point.” It confirmed.
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“Hah! See? I told you.” I couldn’t stop myself from gloating a little bit.
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“Yes, you did – and as I said, now that I see it with my own eyes, I’ll happily believe it. You’ve beaten the odds after all... I mean, the months of recovery probably won’t be much fun, but still – Congratulations.” It shrugged non-committally. “Anyway, since this will be our last little meeting here, I wanted to talk to you a little bit.”
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I gave a shrug of my own. Why not? It wasn’t like I was going anywhere.
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“Sure, what about?”
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For a long moment it didn’t answer, only staring down at me, its face completely blank. The silence stretched on for an uncomfortable amount of time as it simply watched me, perhaps looking for something or perhaps simply waiting for something.
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Finally, it twitched – and that was all the warning I got before one taloned hand shot out, grasped me by the front of my hospital clothes, and pulled me upward with rough force.
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Somehow the rough motion didn’t knock the breath out of me as it probably should have. I found myself lifted up to stare dead-on into its burning amber eyes as it glared down at me. Its gaze was heavy with crushing intensity, and its sharp beak was a scant inch away from my throat. With its cold hands now upon me, I realized how out of my depth I had been this whole time.
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So it had decided to go for that cruel trick after all. Give me hope, then rip it away.
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This close, the resemblance was unsettling. The face it bore was only barely recognizable as Fang’s. It was utterly wrong, completely devoid of emotion – cold in a way that I didn’t believe to be possible out of her. There was nothing resembling mercy or empathy on its mask-like visage, but nor was there any of its hallmark cruelty or malice. There was nothing there but an empty face, an impassive force beyond my reckoning, beyond my ability to stop, circumvent or even try to convince.
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It wasn’t her. And in this moment it wasn’t even trying to pretend it was. The angel of death wore her face as neither mockery nor reminder.
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My life lay in its clawed hands now – I didn’t have the strength to fight the thing off, bailed up in a hospital bed as I’d been. My limbs simply refused to obey me, my arms hanging uselessly at my side as the thing held me up and seared its eyes into my view. I couldn’t so much as try to force the end away. All I could do was wait, and pray that somehow I’d earned reprieve.
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I hung limp in its grip, but met its death glare as boldly as I could. This couldn’t be how it ended. Not now I was just starting to get everything together. Not now.
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I still had to try. I still had a life to live. I still had a family that I could not leave broken.
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“We’ll meet again.” Its mouth barely moved as it spoke at last, voice coming out as little more than a whisper. Its deadly gaze never left mine for a moment. “Do you understand that?”
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“... If you really are who I think you are, then yes,” I answered cautiously. “Yes, I do.”
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“And do you understand what that means?” Its words came so quietly they scarcely reached my ears.
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I drew a blank. I couldn’t think of what it was referring to. “You mean... that even though I got away this time, I’ll still die someday.”
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Perceptible emotion returned to it for an instant as a current of anger ran down its face, narrowing its eyes and curling its lips up in a snarl. It regained control of itself quickly, however, the mask coming back on in less than a second.
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“Yes, but what, exactly, does that mean?” It asked again, even slower and colder than before. “You’re lucky, and strong. That’s a rare and undeniably potent combination. You – willing to learn, willing to suffer – you’re one who can live a life of meaning.”
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“Thanks, I think –”
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“Shut up, fuckwit, I wasn’t done.” It hissed, eyes narrowed. “You may be lucky and strong, but even the luckiest and strongest man dies of old age. At the end of the line we’ll meet again, some day sooner or later, and I will take you away – Just like I will your mother and father, your wife and daughter, every friend you’ve ever made. I will take you away, and the world will never see you again, only remember you. Do – you – understand – what that means?”
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I refused to let myself be cowed as the phantom Fang lowered its head down, bringing its hard stare even closer to my face. I tossed my chin up and gave my answer plainly.
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“No. I don’t understand. All I’m hearing you tell me is that I’m going to die one day, like I don’t already know that.”
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“You might know it, but I’m telling you to never forget it.” It growled. “You, more than most, have seen the difference between a poorly-led life and a life of intent. You know the difference the hard choice can make. When we meet again, and I ask you how you’ve been, I do not want to hear you tell me you ever once took the easy way out. I do not want to hear –”
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“That I’ve lived a life I regret.” It finally connected in my mind.
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Everyone I ever knew, myself included... our time on this earth was limited. When I’d stepped onto that crossing, I hadn’t expected to be left fighting for my life in the hospital. It had only taken seconds for my life to fall out of my control. In a blink, the nature of my mortality had been clarified for me.
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Death travelled faster than light, and lay hidden around every corner. Every day I lived was one in which I could also die, and no matter how many I lived through I was still inevitably going to have my dying day. It was a terrible truth, an objective fact of life that I simply couldn’t deny whether I wished to or not.
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But that meant something else, too – it meant every second I had was precious. I had a good life now, but it was a fragile, fleeting thing. It was up to me to protect and preserve it for as long as I could. It was up to me to live a life that I could be proud of, and never let myself be taken down to something less. If my life could be torn away from me so easily, then I couldn’t afford to waste it.
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There was an alternative to despairing at the objective reality. I might not be able to fight fate, but I could still fight. I could still struggle to improve my lot, and wring some measure of happiness from the world. I already had, whether I’d realized it or not. I’d come a long way already despite barely grasping the gravity of my choices.
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On some level I think I had known, however. I think I’d realized it to some degree that year I’d met Fang, but the phantom’s words struck the thought into my head like a nail into wood. I owed it to myself – and my family, now – to be the best person I could be. Even with all the pain and strife and doubt and consternation that had entailed and would continue to entail, it would be worth it.
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“That’s right. Never let yourself make a call that you know is wrong, or weak, one that you’ll regret. Every regret you live with is one you’ll die with, too.” The ghost said. Its voice bore some approval, but its expression was still cold and empty as it kept me sitting suspended in its grip.
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Once again I was struck by the look of careful, uncompromising judgment it cast down upon me, as though it had all the authority in the world. No matter how much it looked like her, it simply wasn’t Fang I was dealing with... But that didn’t mean it wasn’t someone worth listening to.
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“I understand.” I answered quietly, straining my neck to give it the best nod I could manage.
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It scrutinized me closely for a few moments, eyes raking me up and down. Its brows furrowed for a second before it gave a short nod and pulled back, seemingly satisfied.
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“Life is fleeting. Do not forget this pain, this time you’ve spent here on the edge of death with me.” It said quietly, its voice a little gentler than before as it slowly lowered me back down onto my bed. “I’m impressed you were able to pull through, but just because you’ll be fine now doesn’t mean you should stop holding on. Don’t start taking your life for granted just because you think you’ll still have it tomorrow. For all you know, you won’t...”
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“I won’t.” I answered, still looking it in the eyes. “When we meet again, I won’t give you excuses. I’ll tell you I did my level best, and it’ll be the truth.”
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It was like the mask cracked completely at that exact moment. A genuine smile graced its face, a smile that reached its eyes. It was the first time I’d seen it actually look happy.
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“Finally. I think you get it.” It said with a conciliatory nod. “Just don’t let yourself forget it.”
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“I won’t.” I was still in pain, still labouring for breath, still unsure if I was even really awake or asleep, but even so something had changed. I felt oddly at peace, galvanized in a way. It was reassuring to hear my own hope reflected in someone else, particularly someone that had been so eagerly critical of me beforehand.
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“Excellent.” It clapped its hands together with a pleasant smile, its menacing demeanour seemingly completely thrown out. “Well, I got through everything I wanted, so we got some time to kill now. You want to play Uno? I usually prefer Twister, but I think that might be a bit beyond you for now.”
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“Can I ask you something, actually?” There was still a question I wanted answered. “I know I asked you before, but really... How come you look like Fang?”
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“And I told you the truth before. I just thought it’d be funny,” It shrugged. “There’s really nothing more to it than that.”
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“Oh. Right,” I said. I was a little disappointed. I’d thought there’d be something more there. “And... Just to check, you really are the Grim Reaper, right?”
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“Sure. Why not?” It laughed and gave another shrug. “Honestly doesn’t matter when you think about it, because this could all pretty plausibly be chalked up to a near-death hallucinatory episode or something. Nobody’s actually going to really believe you whether I am or I ain’t, you realize.”
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“I guess you’re right. It just would have been cool to be able to say I’d met the actual Grim Reaper.” I chuckled weakly. After all that, I was starting to feel a bit out of it again.
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“That’s not that special, everyone does that one day or another.” It pointed out wryly. Maybe it was just my eyes, but it seemed to be slowly getting further and further away from me. “Anyway, I can see you’re getting tired, so I’ll head out and let you get some sleep. I’ll see you... well, sometime sooner or later, I guess. You be good, alright?”
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It gave a crisp wave and strode away before I could muster up a response, disappearing into nothing without another word. As abruptly as it had first appeared, it was gone again, and I was left alone. Pained, discomfited, and alone... but alive.
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Alive and on the upswing. I was going to be okay after all. Even if I still had a long way to go, I was at least going to make it.
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I sank back into blissful slumber, letting the pain fade away for a moment, and actually looking forward to when I’d wake up again.
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This time, it felt more like just waking up from a long night’s sleep, and less like gradually becoming aware of a strange fever dream. Nothing hurt too badly. I felt stiff and sore and uncomfortably warm, but it wasn’t unbearable at that moment, and definitely not as bad as it had been before. It didn’t even hurt to breathe as much as I’d thought it would.
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Drowsiness covered my brain like a fog, making it hard for me to lift my eyes open, but by degrees I managed the task. For my toil I was rewarded with the relief of seeing the hospital roof above me – plain, unremarkable, and unexciting, but solid and tangible. Something real at last.
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I was finally awake.
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“Anon?” Dimly I heard Fang’s voice, melodic to my tired ears. “Oh my god! You’re awake!”
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Slowly I managed to turn my head to face her. Maybe it was just the separation, or the mockery of her image I’d been enduring, but it still sent a thrill through me just to see her. Just to hear her voice – her real voice, and not a crude facsimile of it.
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She looked dead tired, bags under her slightly-sunken eyes, mismatched clothes on and hair askance, but still her warm, hopeful expression made her the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Almost on reflex she quickly leaned in for a hug, but thought better of it just before she made contact and pulled back. I was kind of grateful; it wasn’t that I didn’t want one, but I didn’t think my battered body could take one quite yet.
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“Hey, Sweet Tooth,” I murmured groggily, smiling as wide as I could. “... You wouldn’t believe the day I’ve had.”
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“Fuck you, Anon, that’s not funny,” She laughed in spite of herself at my stupid joke. She still visibly had to restrain herself from trying to pull me into an embrace, but eventually settled for reaching out under the hospital blanket to take my hand in hers. “Raptor Jesus above, I never thought I’d be so happy to hear your dumb mumbling. I’ve been scared out of my mind this last week. I was starting to get afraid you wouldn’t ever wake up...”
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“It’s been a week...?” I asked.
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“Yeah, about a week. The doctors were saying you should be waking up soon, but I was still...” She shook her head ruefully as she stroked my hand. “Never mind. I’m just so glad you’re alright.”
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“Don’t worry, Fang,” I reassured her. “I’m not letting go of you now. Nothing’s gonna take me away from my family if I can help it.”
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From the corner of the hospital room, I could swear I heard something snort and laugh under its breath. A laugh that sounded suspiciously like Fang’s own.
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And after a moment, I laughed with it. When I looked at it through its eyes, I supposed it was kinda funny.
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I looked up into Fang’s warm eyes, relieved to simply see her smile again.
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“How’s Amber going?”
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“She’s okay. I brought her to visit you a few times, after they stabilized you. She... It’s been really stressful. I didn’t want to have to tell her you might not wake up again. She’ll be really glad to hear you’re okay, too.” Slowly the tension began to dissipate from her body as she talked. I lay back and let myself listen to the soothing sound of her voice, and finally relaxed.
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I was back where I belonged. And as strange as it was for someone who’d just been pulled back from the verge of death, I almost felt like I had a new lease on life.
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I knew my way forward.
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That was all I needed.