# Catching Up Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Echoes of the Past
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Three dots start dancing at the bottom of my screen, Stella is typing a response. She takes a moment to put it down so I lock my screen and go back to enjoying walking in the dark. It was nice, when the streets were empty and the people were gone; the electric lights being the only thing breaking the pitch black night. My phone buzzes.
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"Heya! My night's well, watching the new season of JoJo you recommended! *Ominous...* Genkidesuka?" and shortly after another buzz:
"Translators note: genkidesuka means how are you doing"
I had taught her well. I check the clock, it's closing in on eight. Maybe.
"Actually feeling good, eventful day. Lots to talk about. Can I JoJoin you?" a decade ago I would have cringed, but I've transcended such puny mortal feelings. It is nice to be a dweeb together with her.
"Come over, doors are open until 9! Bring snacks as tribute to the queen."
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Snacks. My grocery bags were still at the diner. I guess I had to go there tomorrow after all, but for now at least I had some bagged buffet. I'll go pick up something at the corner shop.
A good ten minutes later, I arrive at her apartment. The doorbell rings it's familiar tune, and some quick muffled steps from inside tells me Stella is running about in her Sailor Moon slippers. The lock clicks, then the door is flung open.
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"Anoooooon! Welcome!" she jumps into a hug, almost toppling me had I not been prepared, so I lean back into it and hug her too.
"Good to see you, Stella. I brought tribute." I raise my arm, she breaks out of the hug and snatches the bag.
"Pocky... Rice crackers... Soda! What's this... Dinner?"
"Something like that. Eventful evening."
"You're the best! Come on in!"
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We head inside, it's nice to be back. Not very long has passed since last time. I always feel at home here, probably more so than in my own apartment. The weeb memorabilia really tied the room together.
I kick off my shoes and hang up my jacket as Stella runs into the kitchen, putting away the food and bringing out freshly filled snackbowls and the sodas.
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"Stop mumbling, come join me!"
"Just a minute"
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Stella goes to the living room while I head into the bathroom, lock. Deep breath. The mirror doesn't betray too much, but I do look tired. Eyes aren't red and the shirt isn't tearstained. Good. I wash my hands, splash a little bit of cold water in my face to wake up. I've certainly looked worse, at least I was in good physical shape from working out with Rosa.
When I come out, Stella has already fully fortified herself in the couch; nested amidst pillows and blankets with the snackbowls and sweet sugary weebjuice in range. I cozy up next to her, throw a blanket over myself and lean over on her shoulder.
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"So what episode are you on?"
"It's just about to get good! Jolyne has finally activated the power of her stand and her dad is coming and all these other prisoners have stands and the priest that has weird hair, but everyone has weird hair! And the arrow is back!"
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It's charming when she gets intense about things she like, endearing to hear her passionately talk about everything she's learned about them. I listen in as she talks, chiming in every now and then, but it's mostly her running this show. She eventually slows down to catch her breath once she's told me all about this season. I will likely hear about previous seasons soon enough. I really loved being close to Stella, sharing our secret joys together. What if life just stopped, right here, and I could live in this moment forever? I glance at Stella's cute pyjamas, her gleeful expression betraying any and all emotions she had about sharing a night watching JoJo. If I died here, I'd be the luckiest man on earth.
In the few moments of silence, the words of Tracy pop back up into my head.
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"Stella?" I say as I look up at her, her clear blue eyes meeting mine. Her usually styled green hair now hanging about in a cute mess.
"Mhmm?"
"Thanks for being my friend, I appreciate having you around."
Apparently it was that easy to make her blush, it's sweet.
"And I appreciate having you here, Anon. It's nice... I..."
She seems to be hesitant to say something else, but stops herself. She gently puts a hand on my shoulder.
"So what happened tonight, you said it had been 'eventful'?" and just like that the mood shifted, what if I had to tell her? Would it ruin the evening?
"I met Tracy again, she has a diner downtown now."
"Tracy with the hotdog stand from way back when? How was she?"
I hesitate. I can't talk about what happened there without telling her about everything else today. What would she think? My life got flipturned upside down just by seeing Lucy in their new state of being. I had also opened my heart to a woman I only barely knew from bumping into each other many years ago. It must have shown on my face that something had happened, because Stella suddenly shifted so she could look at me more properly.
"Something else happened too, right? Are the bad times back? You know you can talk to me."
"Actually, the bad times are further away than they've been in a long time. But yeah, something else happened too." and just like that I could feel the brainfog slowly drift back in, drowning out the pain that had been seeping into me ever since I ran into Lucy.
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Stella looks at me, expecting some elaborating. My thoughts just weren't there, I had to focus.
I was here, Anon. At Stella's place. It smells... Homely. Her warm hand is on my shoulder. Her kind eyes are looking into mine. The snacks on the table are salty. I live in an apartment downtown.
Lucy is alive. But I killed Fang. Just as soon as that thought crosses my mind, the spikes of anxiety come shooting through the fog, piercing me with burning bursts of concentrated pain. I killed Fang.
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"I'm sorry, actually I'm not feeling so good, I think I might have to take an early ni-"
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Stella drags me back down on the couch, taking me in her arms. I want to stay here, but I knew I was a ticking timebomb.
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"I know something isn't right, and if you need to be alone I'll let you go. But I'm here for you."
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A pang of guilt. I want to stay in this embrace forever, but I can't tell her about Fang. I can't tell her about Lucy. I can't talk about how much it hurts. I can't tell her how I've lived the same nightmare for so long.
So I do what I can, I give her a quick hug, then get back up. She reluctantly lets me go. Time to lie.
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"Haven't fed Raymba today. I need to mealprep for the week too, I forgot. Sorry. My bad. Got laundry to fold, too."
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I don't think either of us are remotely close to believing it. My heart isn't in it, and I can see the sorrow in her eyes.
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"Anon, please..."
"Sorry. I'll be seeing you." I can't even look her in the eyes, but I continue: "Thanks anyway, sorry I had to go early."
"Stay, please? We don't need to talk about it, we could just enjoy the evening."
"Catch you tomorrow, okay?"
"Anon..."
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By this point, I've slipped on my shoes. I fold the jacket over my arm and unlock the door. If I turn around now I could never leave. I wave, back still turned, and head out. I can hear a hushed low whimper from behind me, and a barely audible "please...".
I head for the stairs, I don't hear the door close until I've headed down two flights. I let go off the floodgates and the anxiety returns. I almost keel over before steadying myself against the railing. Flashes, pain, memories, Fang shouting at me on the beach, Stellas sad voice, Lucy's hollow stare, it's a hellish cacaphony. I want to get off Mr. Anon's wild ride, but it stops for no-one. Crying is not an emergency. I keep walking as well as I can; eventually I make my way outside and into the cool night air which helps me relax a bit. I head for the park and actually make some headway, before it flares up again, and I can almost hear Fang's voice berating me.
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"You really keep acting like this, destroying everything you touch."
"Shut up. You don't know what I've been going through since then."
"Oh, but I do know. You've walled yourself off from everything that once mattered to you. You gave up."
"I didn't give up, I kept living."
"Not of your own volition, you were just too much of a pussy to actually take the the final step."
"You're not real."
"But you keep imagining my voice, you keep seeing my face in every passerby that looks remotely like me. You can't move on, Anon, so you will live in this mess until you finally keel over. Just like you deserve."
"I never meant to hurt you, but I can't change what has been done in the past."
"You DID mean to hurt me, you could have changed things ten years ago. You could have grown some balls, actually tried resolving things after your mistake instead of running away like you always do." she pauses, I turn around but just like the all the times before there's noone there. Their voice echoes from inside me:
"Now you've hurt Stella, one of the few people that still care about your sorry ass."
"I'm protecting her from me! I'll end up tearing her apart, just like I broke you..."
"Bullshit." and now I can almost feel Fang's finger jabbing me in the chest.
"It's not bullshit."
"It is bullshit. You just don't want to take responsibility for your own actions, and for the people around you. You'll end up killing Stella, just like you killed me. If you ever go so far as to care about someone else ever again, don't leave them like this."
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The pangs of guilt come crashing back, waves slamming against me, knocking the air out of my lungs. I can't breathe. Stella's face keeps popping up, the sound of her crying as I run away into the night. I am a monster.
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"At least you realize you're a monster. It's about time to neck yourself before you end up repeating everything all over again. Anon the an hero."
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I start running, away from Fang. Away from the terror. Away from everything I've messed up, and don't stop until I reach my own apartment again, tearing open the door and rushing in. The pills are on the table, exactly where I left them, and I throw two into my mouth and wash them down with a glass of stale water standing next to them. The placebo kicks in immediately, my body knows it'll get calmed soon enough so it drops the worst worries. After taking a few deep breaths, the worst subsides, so I head into the bathroom. The Anon in the mirror looks about as bad as I feel, so I do my business quick and move on to the comfort of the nothingness of sleep. The sheets envelop me, and the darkness rolls in to drown all the horrors of the waking world, the pills helps keep me there for as long as possible.
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When I eventually wake up, it's not to the tones of my usual alarm. Someone is calling me, this early? At what time is it now... The wall clock says quarter past five, who would even-
I squint my eyes at the bright screen. Holy shit, it's Rosa. Nine missed calls from her since yesterday evening, and suddenly I'm holding my phone like a live grenade with the pin pulled; no matter what I do I can't currently unfuck it. Answer now, or answer later, either way I will have my body evaporated into a fine pink mist by furios latino shrapnel. I am about to die, this is it. End of the line. The ringtone being the Metal Gear Solid music for being detected is all too fitting. Well, I guess my time has come, so I press the small green all-too-innocent icon of a phone and swipe.
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"A-NON YOU BEEEG SACK OF COJÓNES! YOU FINALLY HAVE THE GUTS TO ANSWER? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO POOR STELLA, SHE CALL MY CRYING LAST NIGHT! SHE TELL ME SHE HAD MET WITH YOU!" and just like that I was lying on the railroad tracks in front of a speeding train.
"Rosa I-"
"I AM NOT DONE WITH YOU! YOU WEEELL FIX THIS, AND NOW!"
"I have just awoke, I'll go th-"
"YOU WILL GO NOW! OR I SWEAR TO SWEET BABY JESÚS I WILL END YOU! IF YOU SURVIVE YOU WILL BE DOING DROPSETS FOR THE NEXT YEAR!" then she slams the phone, ending the call. I suppose breakfast will have to either wait or turn into my last meal, which was weirdly fitting seeing how I would be seeing Raptor Jesus right after.
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I jump into some fresh clothes, apply some perfume and deoderant before I grab my trusty bag and run out to my bike. I pedal faster than I swear I have ever pedaled before, glancing over my shoulder every now and then should a furious latina be running after me. What was I thinking yesterday, just hiding everything away from Stella like that? I heard her crying, heard how hurt she was and yet I ran. I ran for my own sake, once again not caring how others were hurt by my inability to choose a path.
I reach Stellas block in record time, chain up my bike and look at the intimidating concrete structure. Was she even home? I just realized I didn't even know where she was, what if she had gone to Rosa's place after crying her heart out? I take a picture, caption it with being outside Stella and send it to Rosa before putting it on silent and heading inside. Grenade defused, for now. The entryway is empty, but the silence is deafening. I know I have to go up three flights but it feels like a Sisyphusian task. I had been here before, trying to fix things that were broken beyond repair. But this time? Maybe I could actually put things together. Then I hear Fang's voice, once again:
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"So you were actually brave enough to head back into the fray? At least you can look her in her eyes when you break her heart this time."
"I'm here to put things right."
"Yet, you're too late for that. A whole decade to late, Anon. You can't repent by hurting more people that you then pretend to save. Your self-imposed Messiah complex will only bring pain."
"Fuck you, Fang. Lucy has their own life now, and even if they don't want me in it they're alive and doing what they feels is right for themself. They have responsibility over their own destiny, now."
"Aww... Anon, are you trying to whiteknight Lucy? Imagining that she actually wants to work in a Dino-Mart when she's thirty? The band is gone, she has no friends and her life has only gone downhill since that day. You caused this, you extinguished the light in her eyes. The last person she loved, the only one she believed she could trust in. Then you crushed her."
"SHUT UP. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"
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I could see the expression on Fang's face, their smirk, the schadenfreude burning in their eyes. Revenge, for every ounce of pain I put them through. Those once warm and loving amber eyes filled with hatred. I can do nothing but accept it, I did this. I don't deserve love, I don't deserve to have people like Stella and Rosa in my life. I keel over, hyperventilating. I can't do this, any more. I don't want anyone else to be close to me. I am poisonous, and everyone in my vicinity were in danger. I should have known, before I tried to reach out to Stella and Rosa again after all these years. I should leave, head to a whole new town with a whole new way where I isolate myself until I turn to dust. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest it might just explode. So what if Rosa killed me? It wouldn't be worse than what was currently going on; I could disappear without a trace. Fang's eyes meet mine.
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"Anon, you're a coward. Admit it. Then go back home, cry and jerk yourself to sleep."
"You're not real. I can still fix this."
"You reconnected with Trish and Rosa... Three years ago now, right? You've been replaying the scene of us on the beach for a decade. I'm even more real than they are."
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I look up, almost expecting to meet Fang's eyes again. The room is empty.
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"I'm sorry, I did you wrong. But I can still do right now, and even if it doesn't work out at least I tried doing things well this time."
"You're pathetic."
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Tracy's words once again come to me.
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"I'm sorry that you're gone now, but... I need to live. I need to keep living. Maybe one day you can forgive me, maybe one day we can reconnect as friends."
"You disgust me."
"I miss you. I miss you so bad it hurts, but I can't change that."
"You're a shitstain, human garbage. A skinnie that should have died out a long time ago."
"Goodbye, Fang."
"You won't leave me, you will keep coming back. We both know it."
"I will come back to Lucy one day, but if I keep living in the past with you, Fang, I will never become whole again."
"Good. The monkey is learning. I hope I never see your face again, Anon."
"I love you, Fang."
"I loved you too, Anon. But it's too late for that now."
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Looking up, the stairwell is empty once more, I cling on for dear life to the handrail. Tears have been rolling down my cheeks, there's a lump in my throat. Everything is hurting. Fang is dead, and has been for ten years. I scream, there's nothing left for me here. What is there to care for left in the world? I have been dead for a decade, barely living, clinging on to a fraying thread. Panic is tearing me apart, Stella's crying is loudly echoing through my thoughts and boring straight into my soul. The fear and pain are overwhelming, the dread makes the darkness rush back and grasp me once more. I get dragged into the void, watching from outside myself how I fall backwards and it all fades away.