# Anon Fucking Wrecks Ripley At Golf

Title: Anon Fucking Wrecks Ripley At Golf
Status: Complete
Characters: Anon, Ripley
Rating: SFW
Classification: One Shot
Author: P.M.
​
>Anon sees a Christmas gift from Ripley
>Unwraps the surprisingly large present
>Set of golf clubs
>It's all putters
>Ripley can't stop laughing
>Fang trying to comfort Anon, as well as trying not to laugh
>Anon is just fucking dead, staring at the floor in embarrassment and emptiness
>What'd he ever do to deserve this
​
>Anon rolls with it, does full swings with the putters
>Somehow manages par on hole 1
>Ripley is stunned speechless
>of all the things Anon had a godly forte at
>it was fucking Golf
>even anon himself can scarcely believe it as he looks at his scorecard
​
>Hole 2, Ripley gives in slightly, giving Anon one of his clubs
>3 other golf teams end up playing through, waiting for Anon to get out of the rough with an actual club
>Ripley is furious, takes his club back
>Anon wields the putter once more, chips it onto the green and in
>Ripley thinks someone is playing some sort of joke on him at this point
​
>Hole 3, Anon follows through, his unnatural skill at swinging a putter getting him on the green sooner than Ripley
>Ripley paid so much money for his own clubs, was that salesman swindling him? He's have to look the guy up in the police database later
>Finally on the green, Anon can't seem to sink it
>Ripley finished the hole many swings ago, waiting on Anon.
>Anon sheepishly asks Ripley if he could borrow a club again
>Ripley needs his curiosity sated, was there a method to this madness?
>Anon grabs the 3-wood, and uses it as a putter
>Ball rolls in 1 shot later
​
>Hole 4, water hazard
>Anon's ball clips into the water
>Anon asks Ripley what to do next
>Ripley replies that Anon should just drop another ball and try again
>Anon doesn't have any extra golf balls
>"Well, then you better go swimming for it" laughs Ripley
>Anon immediately dives into the lake, before Ripley can even reach into his golf bag to grab Anon another
>A minute passes, Ripley starts to fear the worst. Samantha is going to kill him
>Ripley wades into the water as well, just as Anon resurfaces, with 2 golf balls in each hand and 1 in his mouth
>Anon spits out the ball in his mouth "Oh, did you sink your ball too?"
>Ripley decides then and there that their 18-hole run would be cut to 9 at the most
​
>Hole 5, Anon's ball careens right into a sand trap
>Anon notices a rake on the ground near the sand pit as he approaches, a question posing as to its use being floated over to Ripley
>Ripley off-handedly mentions what it's used for, with some details left out
>Perhaps important details, looking back at it
>Anon proceeds to create a zen garden, complete with rolling a few large rocks into the pit
>Anon then uses the butt end of the rake like a pool que, to launch the ball out of the trap and straight into the hole
>An aghast Ripley makes a note to visit his nearest dojo after, so that he can have his negative karma forcibly removed by any means necessary
>He also makes a note to not be in a bar with Anon that also contains a pool table
​
>Hole 6, a narrow fairway surrounded by obstacles
>Anon's shot off the tee ends up hitting a far tree and landing in tall grass
>Ripley can't hold back his laughter, the golf gods must have finally handed out judgment on Anon, deeming him not worthy
>The search for the ball takes some time, but Anon eventually finds it
>Anon asks Ripley if he can do what he did on the water hazard and just drop another ball in a better location
>Ripley sternly tells Anon that under no circumstances is he allowed to avoid taking such difficult shots by wimping out
>Anon's next shot fares even worse, managing to strike a bird before the ball settles in the canopy of a tree
>Ripley is just wheezing in the golf cart as he drives along, Anon decidedly not having been a passenger the entire time for fear of Ripley's wrath
>Anon makes his way to the tree, spotting the ball balanced on a fork in the branches
>But Anon is also no tree climber. A moment passes before an idea thunders into his head
>A golf putter in each hand, Anon drives the head of one into the tree, before using it to hoist himself up
>What would he even call this? Ice climbers used ice picks, so maybe he'd have to call this club picking, wood picking, wood clubbing... Whatever
>Ripley's laughter had sputtered out, replaced with a incredulous stare as his mouth gaped at Anon
>Anon eventually ascends to the branch with his ball, before hitting it out onto the golf green
>The descent was alright, since Anon had premade holes from the climb
>That is, until the tree bark tore off while Anon was using an aforementioned hole with his putter
>Anon falls squarely on his back, the impact leaving a human shaped indent in the tall grass surrounding the tree
>Ripley just stares at the spot until he sees the human get up and brush off dirt and grass from his outfit
​
>Hole 7, flanked by a busy road
>Anon asks what the tall netting running parallel to the course is for
>Ripley informs him that it's to prevent golf balls from getting hit into the road traffic
>None the less, Anon manages to slice his ball straight through the single solitary hole in the netting
>A screeching of tires is followed shortly by the sounds of metallic crunching and spraying glass
>And then the gunfire starts
>The cars involved in the collision were part of rival gangs
>Ripley was not at all looking forward to the stack of paperwork assuredly building on his desk with every bullet that rings out
​
>Hole 8, A long par 5
>Ripley has been getting visibly more frustrated, a cloud of rage hovering over him
>The playing field wasn't having much luck against his his anger either, with each swing he takes creating larger and larger clods of grass
>Anon asks what to do with the excavated pieces of greenery
>Ripley doesn't care, an exasperated tone leaves him before telling Anon to wear it or something
>Anon dumps all the nearby pieces onto his bald head, before taking out his phone and having a glance through the selfie camera
>A single solitary tear leaves Anon's eye, as he sees himself with his chia pet hair
>A picture is taken, and sent out to his favourite ptero
>Anon's phone cries out in pain as the torrent of received messages push into it
>Fang can't stop herself from expressing her laughter at what Anon sent her
>Anon deflates a bit from the responses, this is not quite how he wanted it to go. He shuffles the idea of hair transplants out of his head and straight into the dumpster
>At least he can take a bit of happiness from making his ptero-GF happy
>That and not having to buy shampoo
>The grounds-keeper is less than pleased by the antics however, as he spots the towering mass of grass on top Anon's head
>Anon deposits the green tower into the grounds-keeper's hands, and continues along the course
>Ripley had taken a picture too. At this point, he needs something to blackmail Anon with so that the truth of this match never becomes public
​
>Hole 9, another hole flanked by another attraction
>It's the driving range, which receives another wayward ball from Anon
>Anon can't quite understand why he keeps slicing the ball. Maybe it has something to do with using his clubs like icepicks on that tree.
>Anon hops the small picket fence separating the two areas from each-other
>Holy shit there's a lot of golf balls here
>Anon decides that he should stock up a bit while he goes to get his own ball
>As he bends over to pick up a few spares, another lands right by him
>Score, more for Anon
>But it doesn't stop there, more and more balls keep landing by Anon
>One scores him on his head, finally activating his reptile brain, causing Anon to panic and flee from the torrent of balls now raining down around him
>Is this why Ripley comes here so often? To practice his skills as an officer while avoiding this artillery barrage of golf balls?
>A loud bang of an engine backfiring interrupts Anon's thoughts, as he turn his head around to reveal what he can only assume is a weird lawnmower with a shielded cabin
>It's coming right at him
>Anon bolts for the fence separator, in hopes that the steel behemoth can't climb. The pounding rain of golf balls was distracted at least, instead choosing to rain down on that monstrosity
>Anon hops the fence before collapsing, out of breath. He really should cut back on smoking
>At least he has more golf balls
​
>Hole 10
>Ripley is absolutely befuddled as to how he ended up on hole 10, it was supposed to have ended on the last hole. He had sworn himself to it
>But Anon was much too quick for him, the next hole being a very short jaunt over
>Ripley takes one last look at the clubhouse behind him, before submitting himself to fate
>Anon's power drive hits the ball with enormous ferocity, the ball streaking to its target, before hitting the hole's flag and dropping straight down into the cup
>A hole-in-one! Anon could hardly believe his luck
>Even Ripley couldn't believe Anon could do it
>Especially because the hole it went into was for the 18th
>Anon swears he can hear the faint sound of glass shattering emanating from Ripley
>Ripley's soul had decided that it needed a time-out
>But Ripley's brain rolled into motion, as his enormous hand slapped down onto Anon's shoulder, congratulating him for ending the game
>Anon is a bit perplexed, he didn't think that getting a hole-in-one would cause the game to end
>Ripley resolutely assures him that's the case, removing all doubt from Anon
​
>The drive back to the Araan's home is silent, save for the sounds of the road and air conditioning
>Anon thinks back a bit, realizing that it was likely poor form to brag that he had won
>After all, his score was much higher than Ripley's. How does one even go negative anyway?
>Upon entering the house, Anon is beset by Fang, a whirl of rainbow and bright flashes assailed him before he could gather his bearings
>Anon pulls the rug off his head, revealing it to be a rainbow coloured wig that Fang had run out to purchase as soon as see had seen Anon's chia-hair
>The affectionate laughter from Fang soothed his heart however. There was no way he could possibly deny her happiness.
>A resounding shudder hits the house, the ring of fine china and crystal calling back to answer, interrupting the both of them
>Anon made his way to the source only to find Samantha on top Ripley's back, his arm pinned behind him, an angry Matriarch staring daggers into her husband
>The sound of a pin dropping could be heard, before the sweating Patriarch posed Anon a question
>"Would you like to go golfing next week Anon?"