# Saying Goodbye

Title: Saying Goodbye
Status: Complete
Characters: Anon, Fang
Rating: SFW
Classification: One Shot
Author: Anonymous
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You know how you always have this front you put on where you just laugh and smile and hide the pain away just so you can be strong for someone else? Only, you want to run away, pretend you are someone else or just fall asleep forever and never wake up. When you have someone who you’ve come to know, love, and experience all the joys of your youth and young adulthood for years only for it to end in such a horrible manner. With the last words being ‘I love you with all my heart,’ and how much you have to lie to yourself that everything will be okay, but never will you ever realize what it was you wanted to do again.
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Anon felt like that for every waking moment since his grandmother’s passing. He showed his own vulnerable side to Fang for the first time in a long time. He had no one to turn to but her. Now almost thirty years old and living with Fang, all he had left were the memories. He mentioned to Fang about how his family life’s been rather rough, yet there was one good thing about it all and that was his grandmother. While Fang only knew her for a few short years, she was a darling to his Petro wife.
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He’d go on about how such a wonderful sweet woman she was, and just how full of joy she was in life. The memories he carried with him were some of the best he had ever had when he was a child. Five years old, up till 4 AM, playing Super Cave Brothers, having to eat through 20 lives to beat that one world with the annoying flying turtle dino thing.
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The fresh cooked meals she would serve during each holiday celebration. Hell it was the best time because not only did he not get to see his dad, but he got to experience grandma’s cooking. Just having her around was his perfect escapism than the creative escapism he was able to maneuver in a digital game. All those boomer rock and long nights of video gaming were all because of those special moments he had as a kid with her.
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Anon very rarely wanted to go to her grave. Mostly because he didn’t want to feel that pain. He always had to steel that pain he was dealing with to support others who had also been affected by it. Anon, who wouldn’t give less of a shit about anyone else, always tethered over the edge of a breakdown because he had lost someone he hadn’t come to appreciate the time he had spent with her until these last several months.
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He stared at the sound panel, his fingers traced along the buttons, switches and nodules and he couldn’t bring himself to work. He couldn’t bring himself to enjoy anything. Not the games, not the work, nothing except to bury his face into Fang’s shoulder. Today was like any other day. He just stared at it, even knowing he was nearly putting his job at risk. Despite his boss giving him so much time off because of grief, there were one days too many.
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“Hey… Anon…” a familiar voice came across the room. “You’ve been staring at that panel for an hour.”
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It was Fang. Or, Lucy, however much it mattered. He looked upon her, his other wonderful thing to ever happen in his life. Oh how he wished he had her confidence right now. He wanted to hear her voice to tell him to do something. Anything.
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Tell me to man the fuck up like I always when shit got bad. Tell me who I am and what I should be doing. Or just tell me to suck it up even. I don’t know.
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Fang walked over and threw her arms around him. Already he could feel himself trembling and breaking down. He reached up and wrapped his arms back around her in turn.
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“Anon… I think we need to visit her grave again. I think we should, and you should get it off your chest what you wanted to say.”
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“But I can’t Fang…” Anon choked through his tears. “It doesn’t matter anymore. None of it matters. She won’t hear me anyways.”
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Fang brushed her snout along his face and it only made him feel even more shitty about himself.
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“Anon you won’t be able to help yourself or overcome it if you don’t. I will be there for you if you need it. You know I always got your back. I had your back when she needed you and I got your back now.”
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Anon pulled back and looked up at her with those tear stained eyes of his. With a sniffle, he wiped his collared sleeve across his face. “I just… I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I can say what it is I really want to say.”
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“Then don’t. Just being there would help you just as enough because at least you won’t let your guilt eat up at you.”
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They took a moment, sitting there, embraced in each other’s arms. Eventually, Anon finally stood up, wiped his tears away and was led out by Fang to their car. The drive toward the graveyard was agonizingly long.Feeling as though he is reaching the very end of everything.
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And there she was. As they pulled up alongside the marble tombstone, the epitaph ‘beloved grandmother’ was etched on the stone.
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Anon and Fang stepped out of the car and walked on over toward the site. When they got there, Anon’s body started to feel heavy, his legs weak, and everything was weighing him down. He got down on his knees, and stared at her tombstone.
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He was not sure how long he had actually sat there but it couldn't have been more than 10 minutes. The wind howled in the distance as the dawn of autumn came to greet the inhabitants of Anon’s old hometown, and the dead in preparation for Hollow’s Eve. Oh if the dead could really come back one night every year there’d be so much he’d want to say to her as he was about to say now.
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“Oh Fang… I wished you and her would have spent more time together…” he spoke, shifting where he knelt. Then he addressed his grandmother. “I miss you grandma. I miss you so much. You have no idea how lonely it is without you. I’ve only had you for a few years since and I thought I was actually going to have you forever. But… things don’t always work out the way we want them to.”
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Anon took a deep breath and shuddered. “I wish we had done more together in life. I wish it was more than just me taking care of you. I wanted us to go to the casinos again. I want to show Fang how much of a master you were at those slots. Those triple diamonds… they were always your favorite to play, weren't they? You didn’t play any other slot machine beyond that.”
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Fang knelt down next to Anon and grasped his hand with hers and held him tightly. She nuzzled for him to continue. “It's okay… go ahead.”
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Another deep breath, only his voice was lost to the tears. “I always took the moment we’ve had for granted and I hate myself for it. And I hate that we couldn’t have enjoyed your final moments in peace. You were in so much pain grandma that it hurts just thinking about that final moment. Even when you said you ‘loved me with all your heart’ I knew it to be true… but I wanted you to live so that you can show it again. And now I’ll never have those moments we’ve had together ever again.”
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No more going to the casinos together, no more going out to eat in those fancy Italian restaurants. No more of grandma’s cooking. No more taking care of her. The hardest part was actually acknowledging that she’s truly gone and nothing was ever going to be the same ever again. He wanted her back. He wanted her back so badly that he would do anything to get her back.
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For more than an hour they sat there at her grave. Anon cried until there were no more tears left to shed. He cried until his eyes burned, bloodshot, and tired. He looked to Fang one more time, who was trying her best to keep herself strong for him. But he didn’t need her to. All he needed was just a hug from her, that was it.
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“It's going to be okay Anon…” he heard her say through her own tears. “Remember, she’s in a better place now. She isn’t suffering anymore. You can’t beat yourself up like this anymore. You know you loved her… she knew you loved her… and she loved you. She would not want to see you destroy yourself like this Anon. You’ve got to live for her.”
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They pulled back for a moment. Anon stared at Fang, face swelled with tears and heat from crying. He let out a mournful cry before shaking his head. “I’m sorry Fang. Y-you’re right. You’re right… I’m sorry.”
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“Don’t be sorry hun…” she said as she hugged him again, helping him stand up. “We will get through this together.”
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Her hands reached down to grasp for his. His legs stopped shaking but he still felt heavy and weak. Fang guided him back to the car, and settled him in the passenger seat. “I’ll drive us home for today. That's okay with you?” she asked him.
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“Yeah… I’m fine with that,” he replied. Then he turned to face out the window, staring at her grave once more. As the car revved up, Anon blew her a kiss, and bid her goodbye.