# Deathtouch Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Gasping Embrace
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After that confrontation, time sank into nothing once more. I don’t think I was aware of much when I was awake – such as ‘awake’ was for me. All I knew was spikes of pain, waves of soreness, and brief flashes of a winged ghost whose face bore both sympathy and derision.
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I know I must have fallen asleep at some point, or at least been put to sleep, because I distinctly remember waking up – and I remember that quite distinctly. When you’re slowly coming to like that, slowly easing into awareness of a massive ache smothering your whole body, your first actual conscious thought really sticks out to you.
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“Oh, God, I’m still here.”
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“Where did you think you’d be?” A familiar voice sneered. I didn’t bother to look and see who it was.
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As more and more unwelcome sensation started to return to me, I finally managed to notice a strange blockage in my throat. It felt like it should have been the first thing I became aware of, but somehow it was the thing that hurt the least. It was disgustingly uncomfortable – my throat felt drier than sand, and clogged up by something that would have stopped any water getting to it even if I’d been able to drink. It made breathing an awkward, difficult task, but at least it wasn’t outright hurting.
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I filed it away as something to complain about later, when the pain went away and I had nothing else better to bitch about. I had to bet there was some good gallows humour about how difficulty breathing was the least of my problems.
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Pain in the neck, maybe. That had some potential, I could do something with that.
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The ghost sauntered into view, arms folded, looking down at me judgmentally. “That’s not gallows humour. That’s wordplay a twelvie would come up with. Or a thirty year old boomer.”
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“I’m mumbling again, aren’t I?” I groused. “How can you even hear me with this thing shoved down my throat?”
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“I’ll do you the dignity of not answering those dumb questions.” It said neutrally. “For the record, though, there’s like a hundred good shots I could have taken there about things being shoved down your throat.”
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“The hell is your problem?” I managed to glare at it. “Can I get a different Grim Reaper or something? Your bedside manner’s terrible.”
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“Ah, fuck up, you soft shit. It’s all good fun,” It gave a dismissive wave. “We’re all just having fun here, aren’t we?”
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“No. Not really. Can I go home now?” I could really do without this feeling of constant pain, and it’d be really nice to not have to struggle to draw breath. If – no, when – I got out of here, I was never going to take something as simple as breathing for granted again. Holy shit, what I wouldn’t give to just stand outside and take a deep breath of clean air.
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It looked at me seriously, eyes wide open with grim portent. “Offer from before still stands. You can come away from all this with me if you want, but I’ve told you what that will mean for you.”
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I suddenly realized what I’d just said, and hurried to correct myself. “No. No, thanks. I – I’m fine here, actually.”
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“You’re fine here, hanging on the verge of death? Only kept sane by being put under, and only kept breathing these last few days by an ET tube pumping oxygen into your lungs?” It snorted, eyeing me dubiously. “Yeah, okay. Pull the other one, it plays Jingle Bells...”
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I had to admit I wasn’t really okay at all, but even so, this was still better than the proposed alternative. This pain, this thing in my throat, this pale feeling like I couldn’t draw enough air into my lungs – it was still better than dying, no matter how bad it got. Better than leaving my family broken in half.
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Not that I was going to say that out loud to this fucking thing that would just find some new way to twist my words and needle me again.
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“So tell me,” It ambled on conversationally, unheeding of my growing distaste for it. “How are you actually feeling?”
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“I’m fine.” I repeated shortly.
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“Oh, okay. Not starting to feel like the morphine’s wearing off again or nothing, then? Not caught in that horrible place between half-awake and half-asleep where you’re slowly starting to become aware of how much it’s really hurting?” It rambled, grin growing sharper with each pointed word. “Good to hear, then. Good to hear.”
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I stayed silent, stonily staring up at the roof. It was taunting me.
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“It is in fact taunting you,” It confirmed with a breezy laugh. “Is it working?”
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“How long has it been?” I refused to give it the satisfaction.
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“Ehh, couple of days. They conked you out pretty good.” It leaned over my hospital bed, smiling down its long snout at me. “Little Lucy’s hardly left your side, just sitting here whenever she’s been allowed to. She’s been stressing herself to bits, the poor bitch.”
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“She’s here?” I roused myself enough to look around, but I couldn’t make out anything solid in the colourless mess of nothing that still surrrounded me. I called out to her as loudly as I could. “Fang!”
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Even to me, my voice sounded muffled, pathetic. The metal and plastic jammed down my throat probably didn’t help. Nobody was going to hear me like that. I could barely hear myself. I was in a world all my own still.
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Insensate.
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“I’d save my breath, buddy, you’re barely awake. Barely alive, actually, but who’s counting. Want me to pass on a message for you?” The ghost asked seriously.
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“You can do that?” My eyes went wide at the possibility, my mind immediately racing with everything I wanted to say. “Yes. Please. Tell her... I’m not giving up. Tell her I’m gonna see her again. Tell her we’ll make it through this shit, together.”
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The phantom nodded, its wicked smile returning even wider. “Okay. Just so you know, she can’t actually hear me right now... But when I see her in person, I’ll let her know!”
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It threw its head back and burst out into malicious, cackling laughter, staggering backward and out of my view as the sheer force of its amusement made it lose its balance. I didn’t bother trying to keep my eye on the fiend as it left my line of sight.
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I’d fallen for that one hook, line and sinker.
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I was really starting to wish I was somewhere, anywhere else. Everything hurt, and my only company was more vexing than anyone I’d ever known. Even worse than what I’d used to think of Naomi, early on in that year I’d met Fang. And Trish. And Stella. Actually all of them combined.
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When I’d first met them, I didn’t think real highly of any of them. Now that I was here thinking of it, though, I supposed I didn’t really think highly of anyone back then – not even really of myself. To call them annoying now that I actually knew them would be a bit unfair, but back then I’d definitely thought like that.
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I didn’t have to look far for the reason I’d come out of my shell, of course. There was someone – or something, rather – wearing her face not a few paces away.
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How I wished it could have been the true Fang there with me, instead of that thing.
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“You act like she’s the one who did everything, but she’s not.” The phantom chose exactly that moment to speak its scorn, as though it could tell I was thinking about it. “You made a lot of hard calls yourself. You ever wonder what might have happened if you’d just backed down instead? Or do you still not understand the power you have over your own life?”
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“What the hell are you talking about?”
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“You were a little shit the start of that year, and that was all on you.” It said seriously. “But you weren’t at the end of the year. Why not?”
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Despite my pain and frustration, the question actually drew my attention. I thought about it for a moment.
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“Because of her –”
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“Retard.” It cut me off with a sudden snarl. “Because of you, not her. You chose differently. You could have continued to run away, and hide from the world, and cower in your room all day, but you didn’t. When people gave you shit, you made the hard calls to meet them on their terms. Like that tiny little purple trigger bitch.”
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For a moment the absurdity of hearing Fang’s voice speaking so coldly of Trish struck me, but I shook it off and scowled at the thing.
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“Well, we’re all fighting our own battles.” I echoed those words that had helped change my outlook.
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“Yep, old Principal Spears knew his shit when he said that. How easy would it have been to not listen, though?” It asked insidiously. “That’s all that separates you from being a whole different person, really. You decided to learn when someone wanted to teach you.”
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“What, you think I shouldn’t have?” I asked incredulously.
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“Not what I said, but why do you care what I think anyway? It’s your life. You got any reason to regret walking the road you did?” It sneered. It was clearly well aware of the answer I’d give, judging by the shrewd smile creeping up its face. “It woulda been funny though. You and little Lucy, you were both walking disasters when you met. If you’d stayed your worst selves... Whoo boy, now that woulda been some shit to see go down.”
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I shook my head and looked away. “I don’t think I want to know.”
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“No, you probably don’t.” There was the tiniest touch of derisive smugness in its voice. “You just remember – that strength that saw you through to the life you want to go back to? That was yours. You’re important, too. You learned, you toughened up, you wised up – she was just auxiliary to that.”
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It was really starting to get on my nerves now – the advice it was clearly trying to give might have been genuine, but it still sounded almost like it was just taking jabs at everyone in reach, Fang in particular. To make matters worse, the dull ache all over my body was slowly turning once more into sharp, stabbing pain, just like it had said earlier.
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What I needed was to distract myself. From everything here. This was only going to be temporary, after all – checking out and turning my mind away from it was the best defence to keep it from being overwhelming. Just like I’d used to do back in school, I supposed.
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It was right in one way. My whole life back then was nothing but distracting myself. Funny how these things came back around. I hadn’t been exactly in the best frame of mind back then, nor probably the best person to be around. At least this time, I had a real problem to shut myself away from.
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So – that was what I’d do. I’d refuse to entertain this phantom any further. I’d just stare up at the god damn tiles on the roof until it went away if I had to, and think of something else.
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Amber.
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An almost reflexive smile crossed my face as I thought of my daughter. It was tougher going than I’d ever considered, bringing a kid up – I mean, you could romanticize it all you wanted, but you couldn’t rightly call the first few years anything but hell. The crying, the yelling, the nappy changes, the constant attention she’d required from Fang and I. It had a way of wearing you down, sapping your energy.
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Even so, she was like the little light of my life. I couldn’t put a word to the kind of happiness I’d felt the first time she reached out and grasped my finger. The first time she’d taken a shaky step across the lounge room toward me. Her first word – Fang and I had competed to try and get her to say ‘mama’ or ‘dada’, and Fang had won the day then. She’d ribbed me about it for a month or two or six afterward, I swear.
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Most recently she’d taken an interest in trying to play piano, just like her mom. I hoped she’d stick with it; it would be a great thing for her to learn. Music was a great skill to have – it could really take you places, really help you find yourself and connect with others. Fang had taught me that, that last year in school. If Amber learned, it would be a great head start for her. And even better, she wouldn’t need any expensive tutors or anything when her mom was the best musician for miles around.
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Who knows, maybe in a few years I could start sharing my love of vidya and anime with her. I didn’t really depend on those things anymore like I’d used to, but that didn’t mean I’d just up and thrown them out of my life. Rurouni Kenshin, in particular, had actually turned out to be pretty good. My old principal had been right after all.
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Maybe I wouldn’t start her off with that one, though. Fang would probably kill me. Assuming this accident didn’t kill me first, anyway, but I wasn’t going to let that happen. The thought of leaving her to grow up without a dad...
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I didn’t want to dwell on it, but reminiscing was doing well to keep the piercing spikes of pain at bay. It didn’t soothe me completely, but keeping my focus elsewhere was helping. It would probably do me better to turn my thoughts away from anything negative. What about...
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Fang herself. Of course.
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She’d come a long way since high school. Hell, since college. Both of us had. Just like the spiteful spirit had said, we’d both picked ourselves up from the frankly kinda pathetic people we’d used to be. Meeting her had been the greatest fortune of my life, the single biggest change for the better I’d ever been blessed to have. Through her I’d learned all the things I’d been missing in life. Things she showed me, and things other people were trying to teach me that because of her, I let myself learn.
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I liked to think I’d given back to her as much as she’d given to me. When I think back to those first few weeks of school, slowly getting to know her... Maybe it was wrong to say, but I didn’t feel like she was heading the best way in life. Just like me, really.
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But together, we’d found something a little different. We’d picked each other up, completed each other. I mean it sounded pretty retarded and not the least bit conceited to think of it like that, but now that I was reflecting on it... I couldn’t think of another way to put it.
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I couldn’t think of a life without her. Or maybe I could, but I didn’t want to. Same shit, different bucket. I had a good life now, I was not going to leave it. It was as simple as that.
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“I hate to interrupt, but roll it back a second.”
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I couldn’t help but scowl as the pretender Fang piped up. I looked over to see it was reclining against the wall again, eyeing me coolly.
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“What?”
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Its brows furrowed as it gave me a serious look, sending a chill down my spine that I somehow managed to feel over everything else. “You’re still downplaying something really important.”
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“... What’s that?” I asked. Yet again I found myself a little curious, in spite of my common sense telling me to just ignore the damn thing.
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“You, for God’s own sake.” It pointed at me emphatically. “You’re still discounting yourself. You’re the one who stood up and turned your life around, she didn’t do it for you. You figured out where you were weak and endeavoured to fix it, not her. You took the hard steps, you picked yourself up out of the shitheap – not her.”
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I held myself back from saying one of the choice words I had for it at that moment – it sounded like it was trying to outright insult Fang now – and forced myself to listen. I’d not really given the matter a great deal of thought from that perspective. I supposed it was right, I could have been obstinate about all the things I’d learned. I’d kind of wanted to. Why hadn’t I?
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“... She still made me want to. I couldn’t have done it without her.”
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“Yeah, but you still did it.” It insisted. “You can wax romantic about it if you like, but at the end of the day it was still you. You did it.”
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“Why’s that so important exactly?” I asked shortly. I had no idea what this thing was trying to get at, and it was rapidly draining my patience. Once again, it felt like it was just trying some new roundabout way to insult Fang.
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“Because she’s not here to help you now,” It said nastily, folding its arms as it shot me a vicious glare. Where just a moment ago it had looked like a neutral arbiter, now it looked like a judge passing down condemnation. “Nobody’s coming to save you here. Nobody’s going to get you through this but you. But if you keep pretending like you’re not a factor in your own life, you’re not going to get through it at all.”
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“I know I’m a factor in –” I couldn’t get where it was coming from, of course I mattered to my own life. “I’m not expecting her to save me. What the hell concern is it of yours, anyway? If you’re really the Grim Reaper, what’s your stake in this? Why do you care?”
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For a moment it actually shocked me with a vocal growl, showing sharp teeth as it opened its mouth wide, its wings bristling just like Fang’s did when she got mad. It glared at me with seething hostility, but before any words escaped it it seemed to rein itself in. Instead of a retort, it only looked away at the floor for a moment, visibly steadying its breathing.
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It settled back against the wall again and there it stayed, glowering at me silently as though I’d mortally offended it – as though somehow, my question was a deep and personal insult to it. Somehow I’d really pissed it off.
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I knew I shouldn’t have enjoyed that thought, but I still kinda did.
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“Why are you even still here?” I challenged it again.
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Abruptly it changed tack, a sick smile spreading across its face. “I’m here to do my job. To offer you a place down in the dirt, since you were crying out for it. Far away from any earthly pain or pleasure. You in?”
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“No. Fuck off,” I said as vehemently as I could manage. “I’m not crying for anything, and I’m not going.”
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“Suit yourself. Guess you just gotta sit here and wait for someone to come dope you up again.” It leered. “Strap yourself in, bitch boy. It’s gonna get worse before it gets better – if it gets better at all.”
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“It will. You’ll see.”
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“Ah yeah, because you gotta go back and see precious Fang again still, don’t you?” It said, flicking its eyebrows up tauntingly. “It’s lovely, this thing you two got. She’s been missing work just so she could sit here and worry about you on your deathbed. Really warms my poor, cold heart.”
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“You almost sound jealous.” I shot back.
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Its face darkened with tempered menace as it ignored me. “She’d probably be fine without you, you know. Ohh, she might weep and moan for a few months, but she’d get over it. She’s tough, she’d move on.”
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My eyes were probably as wide as dinner plates at that exact moment. I knew full well that it was just taking whatever shots it could, trying to get a rise out of me in any way it could manage, but even so I honestly couldn’t believe the shit that it was spewing.That was a filthy fucking blow if I’d ever heard one.
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I finally lost my patience.
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“Did I do something to you or something? I don’t even know you but you apparently hate my guts. Why don’t you just do us both a favour and fucking leave?”
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“I have to be here for as long as you’re suffering,” It stated coldly.
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“Well If I could turn that off, believe me, I would.”
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“Yeah, but you can’t. You’ve gotta sit there and suffer, and for as long as you do, I’m obligated to sit here and repeat the same shit until one of us dies of boredom or something.” It growled and looked away.
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“Why can’t you just take me at my word? I’m not going with you.” I demanded. “I’m getting through this, and I’m going to see my family again. It’s as simple as that.”
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Abruptly, all the fight seemed to leave it as it shook its head, still averting its eyes. A look of frustrated resignation overtook its features.
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“... No, it’s not.” The venom in its voice dissipated abruptly, as though it had never been there at all. “You still don’t get it, do you? It’s not that simple at all. It can’t be counted how many people have been in your exact same situation, hanging on the verge of death, reassuring themselves with those exact same words... If they’d had that kind of control over their lives, they might have actually made it, wouldn’t they?”
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“So? That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try,” I pointed out hotly. “I might not have control, but like you said, I have power over my own life. If I don’t make it, then... I don’t make it, but as long as I’ve got a chance, I have to give it a shot. I can still make it through this. I have to.”
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It didn’t answer for a short moment, only staring down at its folded arms quietly. When it finally looked up its face was like a stone mask, its anger – if indeed it was even still angry – now carefully hidden. “I don’t believe you. I won’t believe anything out of you I don’t see right in front of me.”
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“Then don’t,” I gave it the firmest dismissal I could muster. I was done entertaining its crap. “I know what I want to do, and I know I have the strength to do it. Whatever you believe isn’t relevant.”
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It looked taken aback for a moment, but it caught itself, huffing and looking away.
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“At least you’re finally learning something. You might make it after all.”