# Random Anon's Bizarre Adventure

Title: Random Anon's Bizarre Adventure
Status: Complete
Characters: Anon, Fang, Naser, Trish, Reed, Naomi, Stella, Rosa
Rating: NSFW
Classification: One Shot
Author: Examanon
Summary: It's Christmas season at Volcano High. (You) post a story on your favourite mongolian basketweaver forum about how you've won a ticket to a fancy romantic ice skating evening date whatever, and subsequently got chased by dino girls for the opportunity to attend. (Everyone still studies at Volcano High during xmas cause fuck logic.)
​
>>44188799
>be me
>be 19yo /r9k/ reject /fit/izen
>be attending highschool at dino town cause i'm a retard and got transferred (its a long story)
>it fucking sucks cause literally 99.99% of the students are meteor dodgers
(there's ONE other human but he's an interspecies normalfag anyway so who cares)
>they're also unimaginably social like i can't even read manga during break periods cause some dinosaur cunt always tries talking to me
>one such cunt from the student council ropes me into helping out with the xmas party prep
>let's call her head bitch cause she's one of the popular girls, her real name is Nicole or whatever
>really i only agreed to make her shut up cause goddamn she can talk
(i have no idea how anyone can tolerate her, starting with her beta fag bf but i guess he's also an autist cause his nickname is Laser (i'm not making it up i swear wait till u hear about his "sister"))
>apparently my job will be serving punch like a fucking waiter
>whatever, at least people won't ask me why im being weird and not dancing
>as if anyone would want to dance with me
>sadcaveman dot rockpeg
>said xmas party comes around and im serving these assholes their drinks
>don't even bother trying to make smalltalk
>keep considering if i should spill it over the more expensive looking dresses "on accident"
>end up not doing it cause it would be too much trouble (the principal is a huge dick and borderline abusive)
>though by the end i swear if they played last christmas one more time i was gonna flip the whole table over
>btw i still had to pay for my ticket
>now this is important, cause it's automatically also an entry to the party lottery bowl thing
>grand prize is a two-person week-long deluxe VIP ticket to a once-in-a-year xmas event the city hosts for its top 1%
(all i really know about it is that they're gonna open up the ice skating ring by the biggest fanciest hotel in town)
>well guess who won it
>take a fucking guess
>why of course I have, beating normalfags to the punch (pun intended)
>head bitch called me out on the stage and all that
>"wow anon who's the special girl you're gonna take?"
>she had to be jealous as fuck cause i'm 99% sure everyone knows i don't have a gf
(i'm also pretty sure she tried to rig the whole thing anyway)
>i have no idea what i've answered her cause i was so nervous i literally fainted
>just as a reminder: for some strange reason i'm not popular
>got taken to the school nurse then home
>by the time i get home every cunt in the school and their mother messaged me asking to be my date
>feels good caveman
>or rather it would if they gave two fucks about me any other day
>plus im not even into interspecies
>pick a random handful of them and reply various pickup lines i found online
>two chicks from the gardening club
>some rando trigga
>the stoner dude i've always suspected to be gay but maybe he's asking for his gf or something
>i'm fairly certain i won't bother going so i'll just try pawning the ticket
>head bitch messaged me too, though her facade is the least believable (not to mention the mere existence of Laser but i guess she's ready to cuck him lmao)
>"omg anon r u ok?"
>"will u be ok?"
>"maybe u shouldnt go to the party!!"
>"what r u gonna do with the ticket?"
>"if u cant go"
>i don't reply just go the fuck to sleep (it's a friday btw)
>by morning i get even more messages, plus a few replies
>there's also a missed call from head bitch
>decide to be chad and ignore all of them as if i was a busy person
>play pokémon red in the meantime
>consider going to the gym but i can't be assed to (inb4 ngmi nogainz, it's called muscle confusion)
>suddenly there's a knock on the door
>it's head bitch
>says she came over to check on me cause i'm a "precious member of the student body and her dear friend"
>yeah sure
>btw i have no idea how she tracked down where i live and it's fucking creepy
(pretty much all humans in dino city live in/surrounding the ghetto, including me)
>this may surprise you, but i've never had a girl over
>or been alone with one, really
>i sit her down by the kitchen counter cause i literally only have one chair and it's there
>offer her a glass of (tap) water cause i'm also a cheap fuck and only have discount beer on hand otherwise
>it's fucking awkward.
>anyway i'm pretty sure she's only here for the ticket so i don't care that much
>keep imagining she actually wants to cuck Laserboi and i need to constantly hide my boner
>im not even into dinos wtf
>tho to be honest she's wearing a big bulky fucking wintercoat, so it's not like she's trying to seduce me
>or so i thought but the ride was just about to begin
>after like five minutes of talking about the weather and what she wants to gift her grandma for christmas she makes her move
>in an overly dramatic motion she starts fanning herself with one hand and opening her coat with the other
>"wow anon it's so hot in here"
>"uhm no it's not the heater isn't even on"
>i mean that was true, i only ever let the temperature go over about 75 degrees when i'm taking a shower or something
>she wasn't fazed by my autism tho and dropped the coat
>my fucking face when she's only wearing linergie under it
>like idk the name, kind of a nightgown? it wasn't see-through but i'm p sure it's not something you wear outside normally
>also that fucking clevage
>so yeah, i fucking froze but at the same time sweating bullets
>guess i no longer needed to hide my boner but tried to anyway (i swear im not an interspecies fag)
>so she comes up to me all stacy-like and takes me by the hand
>"aww anon you're sweating, sure you're feeling okay?"
>"maybe i should help get you into bed? tee-hee"
>she was also trying to push my arm between her boobs but i'm too swole to control
>diamond dick dot tagged image rock format
>so naturally i freak the fuck out and accidentally throw her across the kitchen
>like i tried to push her away gently but my muscles kinda spazzed out
>and again im fit af so i literally yeeted her facefirst into the oven
>her head made a loud fucking BONG sound on the metal sheet
>so she's laying there unconscious or like i'm pretty sure she's actually dead
>so i panicked
>and ran out of the flat
>and i also may have locked her inside
(i wasn't thinking so sue me)
>as i try to calm down i take random streets
>end up by the school due to habit i think
>can hear several students milling about (track club and stuff)
>sit on a bench trying to figure out how to dispose of a dead body, probably dissolving in acid or something
>wondering if i could look at her tits or if that would be too disrespectful to her spirit or whatever (so what i'm a moralfag, i also don't pirate games)
>tbqh i was still kinda horny too but i guess having sex with a literal corpse is over the line
>in the middle of this dilemma a couple of girls come up to me
>my first instinct is to blow them off somehow, but then i realize they're the girls from the gardening club i ended up replying to last night
>one of them is a latina so i call her Hosé (idk her real name), the other is a weeb so let's call her weeb
>weeb asks me what i'm doing there and if i came cause i have detention
(all detention is pretty much handled by the gardening club cause the teachers literally can't be bothered to stay for like thirty minutes after classes end)
>tell her that i just happened to be there
>like im gonna admit that im a murderer on the run
>Hosé asks if i'm cold
>realize i left the flat in a boxer and shirt
>realize i don't have my phone
>realize im literally holding my keys and wallet (with the ticket) in my hands
>realize head bitch didn't even question why i was in a boxer and a shirt (prob cause she was busy mirin too bad she's dead now)
>"nah i'm okay"
>they don't fucking buy it and insist i go with them to get clothes from the club's found items stash or whatever
>i try getting out of it but they're too pushy
>end up getting walked by the two girls with each of them clinging to one of my arms so i don't run away
>tfw the entire gardening club has to watch me taking both girls to the club office
>gigachad dot portable rock format
(btw in case ur wondering what gardening in the winter looks like these dudes were clipping branches and putting up plasting tents over some flowers, so they weren't actually hacking away at the frozen ground like a bunch of assholes)
>anyway i was kinda suspecting that it's only about the ticket but then again they didn't mention it and it was true i was getting cold so i just went with it
>they keep chatting between themselves all the way (for which im thankful btw so i don't out myself as a retard)
>their office was kinda nice, had a tv and a big couch and stuff
>there were also sacks of fertilizer lined up by the wall, so in essence the room smelled like shit
>it didn't seem to bother the girls so i acted like it's no big deal
>Hosé disappeared into another room that i guess is their storage or something, so im left with weeb
>she sits me down on the couch and stands in front of me
>like, real fucking close
>i mean her legs were pretty much between my knees, but they weren't touching my skin
>idk if im explaining property but i couldn't move or i'd touch her and i didn't dare to
>even though it's deadass winter, weeb was only wearing booty jeans and a light jacket
>her thighs are thick af and in my face
>boner is a go and i can barely conceal it so it's even more awkward (for the recond im NOT into interspecies like certain other degenerates)
>we listen to Hosé looking for stuff in the other room but otherwise it's silent
>keep thinking about something to say
>weeb is just looking down at me smiling and wagging her tail
>or idk if it's called wagging, she was like swinging it
>point is that it made her thighs and ass jiggle
>like a forever later Hosé returns with a blanket
>"sorry anon i couldn't find anything in your size"
>"but we're gonna help you keep warm!"
>i'm fairly sure i blacked out again cause the next thing i know is that we're all sitting on the couch under the blanket, me in the middle
>my shirt is off, and im no longer holding my wallet and keys
>plus the girls are all cuddled up next to me with one of their hands on each of my legs and like sorta massaging my muscles (bitches be mirin)
>oh fuck
>am i gonna have a fucking threesome?
>weeb murmurs something into my ear
>"so anon-kun, about that ticket..."
>Hosé doubles down before i could react
>"i bet we can help you decide who deserves it, si papa?"
>as they speak their hands zero in on my dick
>literally the nanosecond they touch it i spring up from the couch and run off
>or like try to run off but i get entangled with the blanket and fall into the stack of fertilizer
>dirt and what i assume to be literal pieces of manure shower the room and cover both girls
>they start shrieking as i fumble out the door
>can clearly hear weeb screaming that it got into her mouth
>proceed to run away into the school building proper, blindly taking corners
>at this point im mostly naked, cold, covered in shit, horny as fuck, and panicking
>so of course i run into someone
>it's the other human in the school, the interspecies fag
>i have no earthly idea what's his name is so i'll call him interspecies fag like the degenerate he is, as opposed to the virtous image of swole grace that is me
>we both fall onto the floor cursing at one another
>a second later he calls out loudly
>"Fang i found him!"
(okay this needs some explaining bear with me. so "Fang" is Laserboi's "sister" i meantioned earlier, and yes that is "her" name. Fang the dinosaur. again, i'm not making this shit up, she's this unironic 3edgy5me daddy issues punk-goth girl that always gets into trouble, like for fucking with the cars in the parking lot and stuff. i think she's trying to huff the air from the tires but idk. anyway she's also """nonbinary""" and got interspecies fag simping for whatever reason. plus she's the laughingstock of the school and im not just saying these things cause she's a meanine and calls me names ok?? i don't even like her and im not into interspecies for the hundredth fucking time, i seriously DO NOT have a crush on her)
>at first i have no idea why they're looking for me
>i assume it's for the ticket but it also could be revenge for head bitch cause she's interspecies fag's gf's brother's gf
>jerryspringer.rockpeg
>hear Fang shouting from further down the corridor
>"don't let that fucker get away!"
>interspecies fag tries to grab me but my skin is slick with sweat and manure so he can't get a grip
>lmao git gud
>im also fit af so i could just lay him out but decide not to
>i mean he's not that bad built either, i'd might even give him a spot (no homo)
>anyway i ran the fuck away back the way i came
>except oh fuck the gardening chicks are coming up the same hallway
>im blocked on both ends
>a door opens in my face and someone janks me inside a classroom
>it's the gay stoner dude
>i have no idea why and how he's here
>without much explanation he pushes me towards a door on the opposite wall
>the classroom is a tech lab so it's pretty big and touches two corridors
>"go anon i'll hold them back but you better not forget your end of the deal!"
>i have no idea what deal he means
>probably one of his messages regarding the ticket, i didn't actually read any of them
>still i take the opportunity
>after several minutes of (stealthily) running around the school i make it to the gym hall
>i didn't really have a destination but i figured i could hide in the men's locker, maybe even find some clothes
>anything so long as i'm not lynched by one group or the other
>so i burst into the room
>and there's someone already there and she's calling me out
>"took you long enough you fucking retard"
>"wait what the fuck happened to you?"
>it's that lil' purple trigga girl i've messaged
>did i apparently make a deal with her too?
>i try to hush her but she's having none of it
>"jesus christ anon are you into scat stuff?"
>"i'm not fucking touching you like that"
>"go take a shower and be glad i'm so patient"
>i really wish i could check on my messages right about now, but i don't have my phone
>i assume she whored herself out for the ticket
>at least she's more straightforward than all the others
>since we're in the men's room anyway i go take that shower
>not like there are a lot of options, at least i won't be covered in shit
>it's a big shower room kinda thing for about ten guys at a time, so being in there alone is kinda creepy
>i keep my boxers on as well, im not getting assraped by ghosts
>it's generally cold outside too so the room fills with steam in a minute or two
>i start thinking about what the fuck to do about this whole ordeal
>HOWEVER
>i hear footsteps closing in
>panic dot shaman audio format
>i mean there are multiple groups that want to beat me up, and there's a gay guy who i might owe a dick sucking to
>i don't want to get caught in the shower by any of them
>"who's there?"
>my voice only cracks a little
>turns out trigga wasn't as patient as she claimed to be and now she's intruding on me
>she probably got turned on by my greek god bod
>even though she's like two feet from me i can't see much from the steam
>but i can clearly tell she's fucking naked
>ngl she's kinda hot, even packing some abs and she has HUGE FAT TITS (still not into interspecies)
>at the same time she has this resting bitch look on her face like this is so beneath her
>well fuck you i'm not the one slutting it up for a ticket
>"lets just get this over with"
>"you have five minutes"
>"if you can't get it up that's not my problem, loser"
>with that she turns her back to me and pushes her body against the wall
>idk what the name of the position is supposed to be, just imagine her ass up bent over clinging to the wall
>my heart is fucking racing as i stare at her ass in disbelief (btw she has freckles on her buttcheeks)
>this is gonna be a surprise i know but actually i'm a virgin
>so i didn't really know how to, like, handle the situation
>i've imagined many times how my first time having sex would be, and i mean i'd like to take the lead but uh
>she was also a LOT shorter than me so i almost had to descend into a horse riding stance
>i felt really retarded
>trigga looked annoyed too
>"so are you gonna gimme--"
>"s-so are you gonna do it or what"
>"just pick a hole and get on with it already"
>"fucking limpdick"
>by that point i was getting really fucking nervous
>so i tried to find a way to rationalize the situation
>i mean yeah i know i'm a moralfag but it didn't seem right to have sex with someone for a ticket
>maybe if i could pay her afterwards
>then i fucking realized
>that i left my wallet back in the gardening club office
>or perhaps the girls have it on them
>shit shit shit
>FUCK
>so i ran
>trigga was shouting stuff at me the whole way like
>"hey where the fuck are you going i NEED THAT DI-- TICKET"
>so i grabbed the first articles of clothing i could get my hands on, being trigga's clothes
>they were a tight fucking fit and im sure her pants ripped around my ass but i had boxers on anyway
>it's better than nothing
>she almost caught me, but i was way too quick for her
>fucking dinolets when will they learn lol
>so i start the stealth mission back to the tech lab, cause that seemed the shortest way to my objective
>also because i didn't know the layout all that well but that's irrelevant
>first i tried to listen in through the door cause maybe they laid a trap for me or something
>can't hear shit, so i crack the door open
>gay dude is the only one in there
>he's clearly surprised by my change of attire
>no time to explain
>i try to rush by him but he stops me (it's fucking hard to move in these clothes btw)
>"whoah hold on anon"
>"we made a deal, remember?"
>again, i don't remember any such deal, but i can't tell him that (would be too embarassing)
>understandabily i don't want to swallow his spunk either, gainz or nogainz
>decide to try and figure out what the deal we made was
>i ask him if he's gay
>even though i was 80% sure he was, he's taken aback
>then he gets angry
>"fuck no bro, that's not what i meant!"
>"christ, is that all you wanted? that's fucked up dude!"
>mfw i have no face
>literally have no idea what he's talking about or how to reply to this
>what's worse, i hear voices from just outside the classroom
>"he's in here!"
>it's Hosé
>a second later she bursts in, followed closely by the weeb chick
>i try to make my escape but the gay guy (who's now angry at me for whatever reason) puts me into a chokehold
>"nuh-uh, you're not going anywhere dude"
>the two girls circle around the desks and random scientific instruments till they get to us
>around the same time Fang and her orbiter also enter the room
>followed by a VERY ANGRY trigga in tow (she's got a towel tightly wrapped around her body)
>followed by Laserboi and head bitch
>huh, so apparently she didn't die
>that's a relief (except now i won't get to see her tits probably)
>so now there's a small crowd here, made of people angry at me
>guess i fucked up
>they're all looking at eachother with visible confusion
>makes sense btw, i mean head bitch has a large fucking bump on her head, trigga is mostly naked, weeb and Hosé are covered in shit, etc
>nobody really knows what to do
>gay dude, bless his soul, takes charge of the situation
>he lets off with the choking and instead grabs into the pullover i'm wearing
>"okay bro, decide. now."
>"decide what?"
>i realize that im probably clinically retarded but i really don't know what he means
>pick who gets to beat me up? or in which order?
>trigga is fast to the rescue, in her usual hateful manner of course
>"the fucking ticket you dickwad! give it up!"
>oh yeah, now that she mentions it
>"...i don't have it on me"
>multiple people move in to slap some sense into me (i assume), but gay dude stops them
>"where is it?"
>"i left it in the gardening club office"
>the two shit covered girls immediately make a run for it, followed by everyone else in the room
>i consider using this opportunity to escape, but my wallet and keys are also in there
>also because fuck them, it's my ticket
>so we all go back to the club office
>it stinks fucking horribly, like you can smell it from two hallways away
>the different groups start fighting eachother, to the point where almost a full-on brawl breaks out
>they're also tearing the xmas decor from the walls n stuff
>somewhere along the way trigga lost her towel and is now trying to hide behind a trashcan
>that's some excellent christmas cheer, damn
>i make my way through the crowd and despite all odds manage to grab my wallet first
>so i climb onto the shit covered couch and hold the wallet up in the air like it was some artifact or a bag of cash
>the amalgam of retarded ass dino bitches try clawing their way up
>doomguycdart.rockpeg
>with E1M1 playing in my head i pull the ticket from between the banknotes, throwing the wallet away
>and tear it in half
>silence descends upon the room at once
>then i proceed to rip the pieces into even smaller pieces
>then toss the pieces up in the air
>silence
>i'm trying to come up with a cool one liner, but too much time have passed now and it wouldn't be cool anymore
>i still try nevertheless
>"whether your words..."
>"...are lies created to deceive me..."
>"...or the truth that I have sought all my life..."
>"...it makes no difference."
>"you will rot"
>with that i make my way through the stunned crowd, grab my keys and leave the room
>i hear no sound till i exit the building, guess my cool speech left them awestruck afterall
>and that was pretty much the end of the ride
>i guess they all made up eventually
>they never beat me up either
>what's more, for trying to trick me they all collectively put together the money to buy another two-person ticket (albeit not VIP) for me, and this time left the decision solely to me
>it was actually a pretty nice gesture
>so naturally i sold it for thrice the price on ebay, and gifted myself a new console for christmas
>lmao normalfags and their parties git fucking gud (told you i'm not into interspecies)