# Story One - Principal Anon's Trolling Catastrophe

In the vibrant landscapes of Volcaldera Bay, a perfect overcast made itself at home. A refreshing 67-degree temperature resided over the city, much to the amusement of the student body. A good chunk of them had gone to the outdoors section of their food court so they could experience the content that came with a cloudy day. However, under these conditions, there was still something that felt off. Despite the noise reverberating from the chatty students socializing with each other, it felt quiet. Too quiet. It was like there was something about to unveil itself, and that something was Principal Anon's new horrible idea forming itself in its head.
September 10, 201M2034, 12:35 PM.
"I have awaited this day...."
Principal Anon Y. Mous leaned forward in his chair, fingertips menacingly touching each other while he cracks a villainous cackle. The air in his office began to tense up, almost as if time was slowing down. Not even nature itself would be able to prepare for the disgusting amount of tomfoolery that was about to unleash. Hell, Anon was sure that he even had the black spinning aura surrounding him right this moment. What was he going to do, you ask?
What he was going to do was a little trolling. That's right, a little trolling. It had been a good while since any absurdities had come from the principal, with the last one being him borrowing Reed's new pickup truck to drive down the road by the school with a flag reading "PTERO PUSSY IS THE BOMB" an entire 4 days ago. 4 days! Going that long without dishing out some stupidity was practically a crime in Anon's eyes. Even then, it doesn't count, because he was absolutely not threatened by his wife with what would be "the roughest pelvis-bed breaking fucking session imaginable". It was for an entirely different reason, not that. Anon has not been threatened by his wife for his stunt in any manner whatsoever. There wasn't a claw to his throat while stating this either.
How was this little douse of trolling going to be executed, some might wonder? The answer was through the new laptops given to the students and staff. These new machines were quite the powerhouse, with each computer essentially powerful enough to be a high-end gaming PC. Not top-shelf stuff, but at the very least you could open more than 3 tabs of Snootgle Chrome. Then again, it's not like they'd be using it anyway. Paleo Moon was the default browser for everyone at Volcano High. Everyone had to take some time to themselves to understand how the browser worked, but it came with a great adblocker, so they couldn’t really complain. They won’t be needing the browser for when this tomfoolery comes to pass, as Anon was planning to hijack all the computers at once with a shitty version of one of his favorite songs. Why?
Well, why not? Being a principal meant you had to have living emotion if you wanted to be a good one. What’s the worst a little fun could do?
The code was locked in, the students and staff unprepared, the lone index finger hovering over the ‘Enter’ key. This was going to be one for the ages, one so grand his family name will be immortalized in every history book known to man-dinokind. Many movies, both mediocre and amazing, will be created in his honor. Hell, he might be asked by the FBI to become the next director considering how immoral, diabolical, and genius his plan was.
Of course, he was going to say no to the last part, because fuck the feds.
It’s only a few inches away, Anon. Do it, make the commitment! SEVER THE DIVINE LIGHT FROM YOUR SOUL! 3,2,1-
The door unexpectedly opens revealing his wonder puh-tear-oh wife, Lucy Mous. Anon sighed a little bit on the inside, unamused by his plan being forced into a delay. Though, it wasn’t all too bad as he loves the woman with every atom of his heart, and he would gladly do anything for her as long as she was happy in the end.
“Hey, honey?”
Well, almost anything. This monochromatic qt is clueless to what’s happening behind the scenes, and nothing will stop the king of trolling from fulfilling his duty.
“What’s up, Fang?”
“What did you tell my students to do to me THIS time?”
What did she mean? Sure, he liked to pull her tail like that occasionally, but he’d never ask anyone to do anything malicious to her. The worst he may have done was on their 3rd anniversary when she told Anon she was ‘better off alone’ while grading her papers as to not let the cute dweeb distract her from doing what she considered to be the worst part of her job. Naturally, he invited some old pals over to the school to play “Better Off Alone” in her classroom along with Anon on the Tuba. From that point, it seemed like whenever Anon pulled one of his stupid stunts he would be unexpectedly seduced by her right after their workday ended. That totally wasn’t a factor on why he did, though.
If someone is going out of their way to do something they know is wrong against his wife, then he obviously would have zero tolerance for that student. Anon-with-some-sense-of-morality mode activated.
“Why? What’d they do?”
“They took the brass lubrication without asking and ran off to the bathroom with another student.”
Don’t laugh, Anon. Don’t fucking laugh. It’s not funny. They didn’t do anything sus, Anon. It’s at the cost of your puh-tear-oh wife, for Raptor Jesus’ sake. Don’t do it you retarded skinnie piece of shit. Act natural.
“Why are you making that face?”
Damn it, almost had it this time!
Anon explodes into wheezing laughter, slamming the table with his left arm while supporting his posture with his right. His face quickly turns red as he bellows with amused delight, much to his wife’s disapproval. Not even a few seconds pass and his sides have already flown out of the solar system. While it may have not been the politest of acts, he’d be damned if it wasn’t batshit hilarious. No matter how hard he tried to get himself to stop for his safety’s sake, he just kept wheezing into the sunset.
“Anon, it was also our personal lubricant.”
His cackling faded into thin air right when she said that. His sides finally decided to not act like a deadbeat dad and actually came back from the grocery store. Oh, hell no. Those little meteor dodging tards aren’t gonna get away with that one. There’s no way they’re going to take away those sessions with her ass, not on his life.
“Oh. Well, in that case, I already have a punishment for them.”
“Of course.”
“Though, they won’t be the only ones affected.”
Fang raised an eyebrow at Anon’s hint.
“You see, every computer in the school’s system has something else installed and running in the background at all times. With this program, I can run any script I desire on anyone’s laptop on a whim. This can go as far as deleting their operating system if I so wish. Heh, probably should’ve told you that earlier, huh Sweet Tooth?”
Said Sweet Tooth can only glare with anxiety as his reveal begins to step into the light.
“Anyway, I’m going to use this script to hijack everyone’s sound systems and monitors to play my absolute favorite video of all time. My trolling will arise to new heights today. All I’ve gotta do it press this here little ‘Enter’ key…”
With a sigh, Fang holds her hand to her head as her fear starts to spike. If he was going this far to pull a troll, then abrupt chaos was sure to follow. However, that dreadful feeling came tenfold this time. She has absolutely no idea of what will come from this, and that was usually bad.
“Seriously? It’s only been 4 freakin’ days! I think you can cool it with the foolishness for a little while.”
Anon gasped at his wife’s cursed words in nothing but shock. Were his senses deceiving him? Did Fang just come in here and tell him that he should ‘cool it with the foolishness’? Who is she and what did they do to his teal femoid?!
“What?! Are you kidding? 4 days is an eternity within itself! I don’t know how I can even go 30 minutes without doing something wacky and uncharacteristic!”
He falls to his knees, staring into the sky with his arms in the air in desperation. Fang couldn’t tell if Anon was acting out or not, and at this point, neither could he.
“O’ Lord, I beg of you to show my wife the light of trolling! Forgive her, for she does not know of what she says!”
Despite the overreaching of today’s situation, Fang couldn’t stop her mouth from twisting into a smile of her own. If it were any other day, she’d play along, but she has troublemakers to put in place. While her favorite skinnie was usually great concerning his work ethic, he tends to lose it all when he’s confronted for his irresponsible pranks.
An audible facepalm reverberates throughout the office followed by an elongated sigh.
“Alright, I get it. We still need to properly punish those two, though.”
Anon shoots up from his knees, flowing with electric energy as he does so.
“Oh yeah! I almost forgot what I was going to do!”
‘Now look at what you’ve done’ Fang thought to herself. Anon jumps to his seat, maliciously wiggling his fingers in anticipation. It’s all in motion now, and nothing will distract him this time!
“Wait—”
Anon cackles diabolically, an evil aura engulfing the room once more. His eyes narrowed to the ‘Enter’ key, never once blinking away from his goal. This is the final stretch.
It was time.
“Anon, don’t! We don’t know what that could do the computers, idiot!”
An evil grin creeps up on Anon’s face, sealing the fate of all residing in his school.
“My, my. It seems as if everything has gone according to plan. Me, about to do the funny, and you, standing there like a statue hopelessly. I shall rule over this school with the powers of comedy. WITH NO SURVIVORS!”
Time slows to a crawl as Anon’s index finger falls closer and closer to the keyboard. The church bells were ringing, the Majora’s Mask moon filled up the sky, and Yellowstone was on the verge of eruption. The greatest event in history shall be witnessed by all, and they shall bow down to tomfoolery lord Anon Y. Mous!
“It’s called…”
“We do a little trolling.”
*Clack*
Nothing.
For a solid 10 seconds, tinnitus sat within Anon and Fang’s eardrums, waiting for the inevitable. Each one of those 10 seconds seemed to be a minute each to both. Had his plan failed? Was it all for nothing? Had the people of Volcano High been spared of his diabolical evil?
The results are heard bouncing around the walls of the hallway.
In the office, you could barely hear a very low-quality version of Usher’s ‘Yeah’ blasting through the speakers of the student and staff’s laptops. In fact, ‘very low quality’ was a horrible understatement. The bitrate was absolute dogshit. A look to another monitor on his left told Anon he had succeeded. On it was a 50x50 video containing various classic cars on-screen running at a smooth and crispy 0.7 FPS. The hijack is shortly followed by distant chatter, full of flabbergasted dinos reacting to the unfolding chaos. Somewhere, another human was sobbing in tired despair at having to listen to the whole song again.
The chatter begins to warp into a variety of emotions. Anger, fear, confusion, bewilderment, arousal, anything you could think of filled the students’ minds. Above all else, it seemed as if everyone gave out a groan. This shit was never gonna get old, and Anon would continue his tomfoolery until the day he dies. Fang and Anon, however, continue to just stare at each other with no real goal in mind. All that occupies Anon’s head is a very recognizable facial expression, while Fang can only look into space as she tries to take in what’s going on with an everlasting sigh of disappointment.
This goes on for a solid 10 minutes. This was just enough time to get the 16kbps rap tune stuck in everybody’s ears.
“Now I call this… a success. Honey, I do need you to leave the office as I must file the report of this incident back to HQ.”
“Anon- what the fuck are you talking about?”
“But first, I must revert everything back to normal. Can’t have the school board on me again.”
Anon reaches to his laptop to revert the code sent out to all the machines, typing in the kill command for his code. Slamming the Enter key, his device is the first to go back to normal, then the assistant’s. After that…
Wait, why is it still going?
Anon executes his kill code again, only to find the sound is still bouncing throughout the school. Again. The same noise continues to reverberate. Again, again, again! It’s still there. Just what the fuck did he do?
After a solid minute of spamming the enter key, Anon speedwalks his way out of the office to check on the other computers. As he does so, his mind drifts back to the TV Spot which had advertised these new machines. There could’ve been the possibility that the local salesman was one of THOSE guys who were overly eccentric and liked to scam folk all the time. His advertisement went a little something like this:
“Fuck you, Volcaldera! If you're dumb enough to buy a new laptop this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to Big Curr’s Electronics. Bad Deals! Computers that break down!! Thieves!!! If you think that you're gonna find a bargain at Big Curr's, you can kiss my ass! It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker, you'll fall for this bullshit! Guaranteed! If you find a better deal, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!! You heard us right, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!!! Bring your trade, bring your title, bring your wife! We'll fuck her! That's Right! We'll fuck your wife! Because at Big Curr's, you're fucked six-way to Sunday! Take a hike to Big Curr’s! Home of challenge pissing! That's right, challenge pissing! How does it work? If you can piss 6 feet in the air straight up and not get wet, you get no down payment. Don't wait, don't delay. Don't fuck with us, or we'll rip your nuts off! Only at Big Curr’s: The only dealer that tells you to fuck off! Hurry up, asshole! This event ends the minute after you write us a check, and it better not bounce or you're a dead motherfucker! Go to hell! Big Curr's Electronics: Volcaldera's filthiest and exclusive home of the meanest sons of bitches of the state of Dinofornia. Guaranteed!”
Yeah, something’s wrong with the machines. Damn you, mister Curr N. See. I knew better than to not trust the weird human salesman that went to school with me here once.
Slamming open the door to the IT boardroom, Anon is sure to make an entrance as to let the IT guys know that they (not he, of course) fucked up. They were going to fix this shit, especially after he went through all the trouble of switching thousands of dollars into the now extinct Deutschmark just for this one salesman.
“Hey!”
The IT Crew jumps in shock at the booming voice, and their previous anxiety wasn’t helping their reaction. They shake in their boots as they wait for the principal to hammer into them for not fixing whatever the heck was going on.
“I fucked up.”
They’d crack a joke at Anon’s expense for not realizing the consequences of his actions in any other situation, but they knew of the potential wrath they’d face if they did right now. Instantly, the crew is all yelling at once in a panic to him about how nothing they’ve tried is working and they’re left scratching their heads at what to do.
“Ladies ladies! You’re all pretty, but can you speak one at a time so I actually KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON?!”
That shuts everybody up. The one to speak up is a young, timid orange triceratops, wearing rectangular-sighted glasses and sporting slick short hair.
“Uhm- s-sir, we believe the computers are t-too new.”
What?
“The video you injected into everyone’s laptops is too compressed to run properly on the new machines. The bare minimum resolution it can run is 240p, sir. Not only that, b-but they also can’t play audio lower than 128kbps.”
Of course. How wonderful is it that the laptops are quite literally too good to handle this one specific thing? Fate must’ve really had it out for him today. Probably serves him right considering the amount of trolling he’s done recently anyway.
“Ugh, alright. Just keep looking for a way around this crap. I’ll come back for you later-“
BOOM!
What seemed to be an explosion rocked the entire foundation of the school. Everyone in the IT Room stares into the floor in shaking fear, especially Anon. Were the students okay? Was his wife okay? Were his precious memories of trolling okay?!
Not soon after, the sprinklers activated from the ceilings, soaking the people and the technology in the room. It appears the sprinklers were quite useful as the computers had caught on fire when the water seeped into the wires. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back for Anon. No more screwing around, this needed to be fixed ASAP.
“Stay right here.”
Run, Anon. Run. Find out what the fuck is happening to everyone. Just keep running. Go, go, go.
When Anon arrives at the edge of the tech building, he finds a gigantic hole in the ground where the server rooms used to be. A blaze of fire envelops the crater, throwing million of embers into the air. Thank Raptor Jesus nobody was in there at the time. Well, at least Anon knew what that gigantic boom was. However, his relief quickly droops into fear once more as his mind drifts to Fang.
“MY FUCKING WIFE! WHERE IS SHE?!”
Anon rushes outdoors to find a blackened sky with pouring rain. There was no dryness to be gifted to Anon, it seemed. Shit has hit the fan.
Get inside, make sure Fang is okay. Get inside, make sure Fang is okay. Get inside, make sure Fang is okay.
The sprinklers in the main building did little to help Anon dry off. His ears ring as the stress begins to take its toll on the poor man. The only thing stopping him from going permanently deaf is one lone velociraptor playing The Entertainer on the grand piano in the hallway.
Huh? Fucking WHAT?
When did he get there? Why is he playing the piano? How is that piano even operational after being soaked?
“Eyyy, amigos! It’s time to party as we approach the end times!”
A conga forms from the closet hallway with no less than 15 students holding on to each other, dancing as they make their way toward the exit. They’re acting like there’s no crisis happening at all. It looks like they’re even having fun! Had Revelations come to pass already?!
“I call upon the Trollge to grant me the power of God!”
A heavenly flash temporarily blinds the principal, completely whitening his vision. After the holy energy fades, Anon witnesses a glowing figure floating in the air. It was a pterodactyl that looked to be covered in oil on this particularly rainy day. No shit, he’s lying down while FLOATING IN THE SPRINKLER’S WATER! Wasn’t this whole thing just a meme? How is this kid doing that?!
“What the hell?!”
“Mister Marks, can you find for me someone strong and sweet fitting on my knee? She can keep her job if she gets it wrong ah, but Mister Marks, I won’t need her long.”
Not even 10 feet away from the floating Pterodactyl is a 3-man band playing Temporary Secretary. As with the piano, their instruments seemed to have no damage done to them despite the sprinkler’s water. How naturally fitting to play one of the worst songs in existence while the apocalypse happens. Thanks, guys.
“This fortress is ours!”
“Chaaaarge!”
“FOR THE GRAVEWALKER!”
WHAT IS TALION FROM SHADOW OF WAR DOING HERE?! WHY DOES HE HAVE AN ENTIRE ARMY OF ORCS INVADING THE SCHOOL?!
“What. The. FUCK?!”
It was nothing but pure unadulterated chaos now. All sorts of unrelated events were taking place. A clone of him in a gangster’s outfit holding a pistol was jumping out the window. A group of kids were throwing Molotovs while running at the invading orcs. Usher himself set up a stage and was rapping the same song Anon used to troll his students. A brown and yellow striped snake with glasses and a fedora was sitting at a table full of pictures of Stella, writing like mad. The rain outside had turned into a pouring storm with over 100mph winds. The world was ending right in front of Anon and all he could do was watch.
“ALL SHALL TREMBLE BEFORE ME!”
Falling from the sky and creating another crater in the ground was an unholy indescribable figure. Dust clouded Anon’s vision as it lands, forcing his eyes shut. About a solid minute passes before the dust settles, and all the human can see is a 30 ft. tall troll face. Its eyes glared directly into Anon’s soul, taunting him for his misery while also disowning him for his crimes. It’s like Satan’s energy had engulfed the face as it made its way over to the shaking Principal.
“ANONYMOUS.”
“YOU HAVE BROUGHT THE DESTRUCTION OF THE OLD GODS ONTO THIS CURSED LAND.”
“WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?”
“DO YOU FEEL RAGE? FEAR?”
“WHEN GOD STRIKES YOU DOWN FOR THIS CARDINAL SIN, WILL YOU CURSE HIS NAME?”
“WHEN YOUR SKIN MELTS FROM THE ETERNAL FIRE OF HELL, SHALL YOU ONLY THEN BEGIN TO REGRET IT ALL?”
“Wait- please…!”
“HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR YOU TO CRUMBLE UNDER THE LORD’S FURY?”
“I’M SORRY! STOP!”
“Ah!”
Anon jolts awake, covering him and his office seat in steaming sweat. He grabs his water bottle next to him and chugs down the whole thing in a panic. From what he remembered; he had a horrible nightmare. His very world was on the verge of collapse, and it was all rooted in a little trolling on the new computers.
“Thank Raptor Jesus none of that shit was real…”
The principal takes a heavy breath before looking outs-
It was real. All of it was real.
Every single last piece of damage done to the school grounds was real. Various buildings held holes on their walls, there was absolutely no server room to be found, floors were flooded, oil was spilled, it all happened. There was no way it could! No sort of asspull can allow any of that to have all happened simultaneously!
“Ahem.”
There stood a glaring monochromatic pterodactyl waifu in all her furious glory, piercing Anon’s heart with her stare. The sweating from before increased ten-fold as Anon tried to make up a bullshit explanation.
“UhHiFang!WellIwasn’texpectingthesalesmantohavescammedmewithcomputersthatweretoonewandIalsodidn’texpectittoleadintooverwhelmingchaosthatdestroyedthetheveryfoundationof-“
“Anon.”
“…Yeah?”
“Did you learn your lesson today? On why you shouldn’t troll too often?”
“…Yes.”
“Even though you did, you’re going to have to pay for the hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage. Your little stunt nearly decimated the entire school, dweeb.”
Her glare stays the same as she gives a very, very slow clap Anon’s way.
“Congratulations.”
Aaaaand here comes the guilt.
“Alright, Fang. I learned my lesson. I won’t troll as often. I compromised everyone’s safety, damaged the school’s computers and buildings, and didn’t consider how you felt beforehand.”
“I’m so, so sorry.”
Anon’s head droops down as his guilt overwhelms him. Fang walks up to him and puts a loving hand on his neck, kneeling down as she does so. Her poor husband had always meant the best for her, but sometimes he was too impulsive to see the consequences. It was going to be tough learning how to get over himself once more, but he’ll do it for her. He always did it for her.
“It just… spiraled out of control. It was like I was in some shitty, rushed fanfiction where half of it was hastily written on the day it was due.”
Anon leans into Fang for a tight hug, face still drooping from the insanity he’s had to endure.
“I’m never buying another damn thing from Curr N. See again.”