Chapter IV: In Which Bowser Dyes His Hair, And Nothing Bad Happens

“Agh! What did you do to my head?” howled Bower, as he grabbed the mirror in his cell by the frame and shook it.

Inside the mirror, the reflection of his image, Bowsette, bounced around wildly, bumping her head, breasts, and buttocks against the frame of the mirror. “Ow! Your head is just fine! I’m not doing anything to–”

In the real world, Bowser jabbed a pointed nail at his blond scalp. “My hair! Why am I a blondie?”

In the Mirror, Bowsette held up one hand, pleadingly. “That’s…just a side-effect of our inner dialogue! Look, your hair is turning back to normal right now!”

Bowser stepped back from the mirror and examined his locks, which sure enough were slowly staining crimson. He still had the body of a voluptuous woman, but at least his hair was familiar again. “What’s the deal with my hair? Aha! I know what you’re up to! You’re trying to control my brain…by turning me into a dumb blonde, so you can manipulate me more easily!”

Inside the mirror, Bowsette momentarily looked deeply offended, but she spoke with deliberate control in her voice. “I can’t control your brain, because there is no me apart from you. My thought, my will, is subservient to yours.”

Bowser narrowed his eyes. “Hold on, something’s fishy! If you’re me, how can I talk to you? How can you have ideas that I haven’t heard about?”

“Simple. What you call ‘the mind’ is actually layers upon layers of thought, cherished memories, hidden desires, moral attitudes. That voice in your head, when you think out loud? That’s just one small part of what makes you who you are. But think about it! Did you know how to talk when you were an infant?”

“Of course I did! Everyone baby Koopaling knows how to talk the moment we hatch from the egg. How else are we supposed to ridicule our enemies, or command our loyal troops?”

Bowsette held up a finger, looking like she was about to launch into a detailed explanation of psychology, before her eyes suddenly popped open. “But…surely you couldn’t talk while you were still in the egg?” 

Bowser held up a finger, looking like he was about to launch into a detailed explanation of Koopa child development, before his eyes suddenly popped open, finally mirroring the blond woman in the mirror. “But of course I…didn’t…huh, guess I never thought about that far back.”

Bowsette nodded. “But you were still you! Don’t you see? You’re still you when you’re asleep, or knocked unconscious.”

Bowser pouted. “No one’s ever knocked me unconscious, except for Mario, and that doesn’t count, because he must have cheated.”

Bowsette tugged at her blond locks. “Yes, of course! No one can defeat you, oh mighty King of the Koopas! But the point is, the ability to talk isn’t what makes you who you are! It is the same with your thoughts!”

Bowser hummed, then paused for a few seconds. Suddenly, he snapped his fingers. “It’s like when I fight! I’m never more myself than when I’m kicking butt and taking names…but in a real good scrap, there’s no time to think, let alone chit chat. I just…fight!”

Bowser slapped his bicep, the traditional hand gesture which means “I can do it!” in Japan, and “Shove it up your ass!” in several European countries.

Bowsette slapped her bicep, mirroring Bowser perfectly. “Bingo! When you fight, that’s the real you, acting on primal instinct, not on logic. I can exist for the same reason you can talk to yourself. Because you are a complicated person!”

Bowser waved at the mirror, then jabbed a thumb against his chest. “Exactly! That’s what I kept telling my therapist–before I had her thrown in the dungeon–I’m a Koopa of hidden depths! I am large! I contain multitudes of fat guys within my dungeons!”

Suddenly, Bowsette looked slightly desperate. “...Yes…And because you are so intellectually capable, that means you should have no trouble listening to the voice of wisdom within you…I am that voice!”

Bowser shrugged. “Eh, wisdom’s an overrated stat. Who needs it when you’ve got my natural charisma?” 

Her nostrils flaring, Bowsette swallowed a scream. “Of course! Your natural abilities are indeed extraordinary! But the Crown of Queen Toadstool does not merely provide you access to magic…it contains great…insight. Insight which can only serve to make you even more dangerous and cool than you already are!”

Bowser puffed smoke out of his nostrils. “You mean like those Power Ups you crammed into my mouth. No thanks! I already spanked you once for that. Care for an encore of that performance?”

As Bowser uttered the last sentence, he twisted to show his rump to the mirror and spanked himself. As Bowsette was forced to imitate the gesture in the mirror, she felt a twinge from her smarting, freshly spanked buttocks, and squeaked. “Eep! No! No, my Lord! The spanking you gave me was a just and judicious punishment! I swear, I have learned the price of insolence!”

Bowser smirked, his eyes hungry, then patted his own bottom teasingly. “Hmm…you know, Bowsette, you’re very spankable.”

With an effort, Bowsette kept a stiff upper lip as she was forced to pat her own bottom. “...Forgive my ignorance, my Lord, but I do not understand what you mean. What is…spankable?”

Bowser grinned. “It means you’re a bit of a brat. With that attitude, it’s like you’re just begging for a spanking…But also, you’ve got spunk. On a spiritual level, I admire your determination…”

Finally, Bowser landed a final clap across his wide, womanly rump, forcing Bowsette to do likewise. “...Plus you’ve got a nice ass.”

Bowsette winced, then composed her face. “Thank you, sir. May I have another?”

Bowser rolled back his head and laughed, but his image in the mirror didn’t match his gesture. “Bwah har har! All right, Bowsette, I’ll play along. What’s your big plan for how to bust out of this joint?”

Still bending over slightly from the previous spanking, Bowsette slowly straightened her posture, and turned to face Bowser. “You mean…you will heed my counsel?”

Bowser shrugged. “Sure. This is a bad guy brainstorming session. There are no dumb ideas.”

Bowsette bowed her head, looking strangely demure. “Then, in the first place…”

Then Bowsette’s eyes snapped open, full of a strange menace. “...I would suggest that you avoid thinking out loud…even now, there could be spies listening in.”

Bowser clapped a hand across his mouth, glancing around the cell. “D’oh! Why didn’t you warn me sooner? And how’m I supposed to talk to you if I don’t…”

Bowser paused as he saw Bowsette’s smile widen, revealing shark-like canines. 

Her lips didn’t move, but he heard her voice clearly. “Simple…just think to yourself, and I will hear you!”

Bowser almost swallowed his own hand. “Yeep! Don’t do that!”

Bowsette bowed her head low, and spoke normally. “Forgive me, my Lord. Would you prefer I speak normally?”

Bowser pulled his hand out of his mouth, and thought silently, “Well of course that’s what I want! It’s creepy hearing you talk without your lips moving. Like some kind of cheesy soap opera where they edit in an echoing voice to represent the hero’s…thoughts…wait a minute…you can hear me?”

This time, Bowsette’s smile was strangely sweet, almost motherly. “Of course! I’m right here!”

Bowser peered at the door of his prison cell. “And let me guess…nobody else can hear you?” he thought.

“Exactly. You’re so quick on the uptake! Whether or not my lips are moving…” Bowsette pretended to zip her lips, and the sound of her voice echoed. “...Only you can hear my voice…” 

Then Bowsette smiled, and finished her sentence with plain speech. “...But I can use whichever voice you prefer!”

Bowser scowled as he crossed his arms, and thought his answer. “Normal words! Sheesh, this is weird…but cool. So that means you can feed me critical information, without anyone hearing?”

Bowsette nodded. “If I’m aware of something important, yes. With your permission, I’ll be happy to pass along–”

Bowser waved a hand, flippantly. “Of course! Permission granted! If you see something, say something. I don’t need you asking me permission to ask permission to ask a question. Continue.”

Bowsette’s cheeks flushed slightly, her smile strangely girlish. Then she thought her answer. “Thank you, my Lord…”

Before Bowser could complain, Bowsette quickly switched back to speaking normally. “In that case, now that our first escape attempt has failed, I think it wise to keep our heads low. Crown Princess Toadstool and her protectors will surely be on high alert.”

Bowser sniffed, then glanced at the gate of his prison cell. Slowly, he strode toward it, leaving the mirror behind. As he spoke, he forgot not to keep his lips shut. “Actually, now that they think I’m safely locked up, this is the perfect time to break out. I could just take off the crown…” 

Bowser grinned as he gripped one of the iron bars, twisting it slightly in his iron grip. “...then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and rip these bars right down!”

Then, Bowser paused as he heard a voice echoing in his skull. “Why didn’t you do that before? Because you decided to wait for the right time to strike! That was a good plan!”

Bowser glanced over his shoulder, and saw Bowsette standing straight at attention. “Did you say something, Bowsette?”

Gently, Bowsette shook her head. “No, my Lord. I await your command.”

Bowser released his grip on the door and stomped toward the mirror. “Think very carefully, Bowsette...Did I just hear your voice in my head? Or mine?”

Bowsette swallowed. “It may well have been my voice, My Lord. But even if you did…it was still your thought.”

“And do I need to spank you, again, for speaking out of turn?”

Almost imperceptibly, Bowsette’s chest quivered. “If you deem it necessary for my impudence, My Lord.”

Bowser stroked his chin. “Hmm…Nah, no spanking for you. It was a good idea. But I need some time to think, alone…without interruption. So, go sit your butt down in timeout, little missy.”

Bowsette nodded curtly. “Yes, mi’lord!”

Then Bowsette spun on her heels, and marched primly toward the bed cot on her side of the mirror, and sat down with her hands folded neatly in her lap.

Bowser watched her with undisguised pleasure, then turned away from the empty mirror, and began to think. “Okay…I will bide my time until I can nab Peach. Having her as hostage will make my escape go so much smoother…Plus, I won’t have to make a return trip to kidnap her later, so it saves gas…” 

Furiously, Bowser began to pace across the room. “...I’m sure old Kamek is blowing a gasket, but he knows Peaches would never risk endangering me. Kamek will make noises about going to war, but he won’t have the stomach to follow through while I’m still a prisoner. That will keep the mush-heads busy enough. So it’s just a matter of waiting for Peach to pay me a visit. But is she actually that brainless?”

He paused, reflecting on all the times Peach had snuck out of her quarters while under his protection. Then he smiled. “Of course she is! Deep down, she’s crazy about me! Sooner or later, her sweet, girlish heart will overpower her adorably dumb girl-brain, and she’ll want to give me a chance to say I’m sorry and repent and stuff. And then I’ll kidnap her…”

Clapping his hands, he bellowed out loud. “...And we’ll both live happily ever after!”

He rubbed his hands together with wicked glee, waiting for Peach to waltz in and give him his chance. After a few seconds of staring at the door, Bowser frowned and started to seat himself on the cold stone floor. “...Any second now…Any minute…”

As Bowser settled his weight down on his seat, he stiffened, and clutched his aching buttocks, suddenly remembering how sore his tail still was. “Yeow! That smarts!”

Pouting, Bowser peeked over his shoulder at the mirror, and thought. “Say, Bowsette? Got any ideas to pass the time?”

To his surprise, he saw a ghostly image of Bowsette, not in the mirror, but seated right behind him, back to back. She turned to look over her shoulder, meeting his gaze. Her lips didn’t move. “I find it useful to meditate on the coming battle. Picture your enemy in your mind…and how you will overcome him!”

Thinking of Mario, Bowser sneered. “Ooh, I know! I’ll just daydream about kicking Mario’s butt from here to the moon! That’s my favorite one!”

Bowsette licked her lips. “Yes…I simply love the way you think.”

Bowser settled back down, crossing his legs into the lotus position (or for you watching the heavily localized 4Kids dub of this anime, criss-cross applesauce). Bowser winced as he felt his throbbing buttocks press flat against the hard floor, but there was something strangely comforting about the touch of the cool stone. Bowser closed his eyes, feeling strangely at peace.

[End of Chapter IV]
Acknowledgements

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