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Absolutely everywhere!”\n\nThe primitive birds on the tree outside chirped as the sun peeked through the blinds. Xaza had already left, so Melias had given Pop a call. It made the crow happy to hear his parents’ voices… even if he did catch them in the middle of the hunt for Dad’s glasses.\n\nPop sighed. “And they make him look so cute, too.”\n\nSometimes it made Melias sick just how in love Dad and Pop were. “Pop, please.”\n\n“They do!”\n\nMelias rolled his eyes. “Where’s Dad now?”\n\n“In our room… I swear that’s where he had them last…”\n\nThe thought of Dad having glasses still felt weird. He had gotten them only last week, and was uncharacteristically grumpy about it. Perhaps he wasn’t searching as hard as he could? But… that didn’t sound like Dad. For better or for worse, he didn’t give up on a problem, regardless of the size.\n\nIt was one of the reasons Melias was still alive.\n\n“Has he checked—”\n\nA high-pitched chirp rang out in the background. “I found ‘em!”\n\n“Where were they?” Pop yelled back.\n\nDad said something that Melias couldn’t quite make out.\n\nPop laughed. “Oh my god, you goof. How did they get in there?” \n\n“I have no idea,” Dad said, sounding a lot closer. “I gotta run before I’m late…”\n\n“Have a good day, dear.” Pop said, still giggling. “Love you—mmph!”\n\nMelias winced. They were kissing, weren’t they? \n\n“Love you too,” Dad said. He raised his voice. “Love you, Mel!”\n\n“Tell him I love him too,” Melias said. \n\nPop repeated it, then continued talking to Melias. “Sorry about that… hear where he found them?”\n\n“Where?”\n\n“The laundry hamper.”\n\nMelias snorted. “How could they have gotten in the laundry hamper?”\n\n“Who knows!”\n\n“I hope he’s not late.”\n\n“Yep. It’s Wednesday, so…”\n\nOh, right, Wednesdays were shelter days. Once a week, Dad went to the homeless and abuse shelter to meet with his most hard-on-their-luck clients. Melias had no idea how he managed. Seeing people at their worst, betrayed and abandoned by society, every single week. Yet he still had so much time and love for his husband and son. How was he so strong?\n\nSometimes Melias wondered if the reason the rest of his life sucked so much was because he used up all his luck getting Dad and Pop as parents.\n\nPop continued. “Oh, and apparently, he also has to get recertified for first aid today, so it’s gonna be real busy for him. Maybe I can treat him this evening…”\n\nMelias closed his eyes. Please, no further details.\n\n“Speaking of busy… I’ve got a meeting in five, so I gotta run, too.”\n\nMelias sighed in relief, then looked at the clock. 8:25 AM. “That seems early.”\n\n“Time zones are a nightmare. When’s class for you?”\n\n“An hour and a half. Then another class at three.”\n\nPop hissed. “Ooh, split schedule. That sucks.”\n\n“Every day for the rest of the week is split. It’s very annoying.”\n\n“Eh, like everything else at college, ya get used to it. Well, talk to you soon, okay? Love ya!”\n\n“Okay. Bye, Pop. Love you too.”\n\n“Bye-bye!”\n\nThe call ended, and Melias looked at the ceiling. The laundry hamper? Seriously? \n\nHe spent the rest of his morning tinkering with his breadboard and eating a fruit salad before heading off to the dreaded public shower. He wasn’t sure if he would ever get used to it. At least he wasn’t covered in cum like last night. \n\nClass was uneventful, and, figuring Xaza would probably be back in the dorm, he decided to go to the library. The book he was reading was interesting and actually quite helpful, and, well… nah, that was the only reason. After plucking the book off the shelf and sitting down at a tucked away table upstairs, he began reading and taking notes. Soon, he was totally absorbed in the book, his mind swirling with new ideas and approaches. As he took notes on his laptop, he caught something in his peripheral vision. He looked over and saw a familiar figure poking his head out from an aisle of books. His chest tightened.\n\n“Ro?” \n\nThe human’s face seemed to shift to two different expressions at once, and he stepped out from behind the shelves. “O-oh, hi, Melias. How are you doing?”\n\n“Fine. How about you?”\n\n“Ah, I’ve been worse.”\n\nNeither of them spoke for a few moments. Melias looked back down at his book, but the words on the page stopped making sense. What did Ro want? Why was he here? He wanted to say something, but…\n\n“Can… can I sit here?” Ro asked.\n\nHe wants to sit here? With him? Why? What was wrong with the other tables? And yet… though the thoughts came, the fear and anxiety he expected with them was nowhere to be found. Ro didn’t scare him. So he did something he almost ever did: he said, “Sure.”\n\n“Wait, really? T-thanks!” Ro took a seat in the chair across from Melias and dropped his bag on the table. “I’ve got some studying to do.”\n\n“Okay.” Melias tried again to focus on his book, but a burning desire to say something overwhelmed his focus. The longer he said nothing, however, the harder it became to say anything, so he just sat there, staring at the same page. He flicked his eyes up to Ro, who was thumbing through the pages of a textbook with his tongue poking out of his mouth. \n\nMelias looked carefully at the human, intrigued by his physiology. The fur on his head was incredibly dense—far denser than all but maybe a sheep in need of shearing. And yet it was present nowhere else on his body? No… wait. His eyes moved down to Ro’s arms. At first, they seemed bare, but then he noticed a layer of thin red fur, so sparse it was easy to miss. How strange…\n\nHe looked back down at his book, suddenly self-conscious. He hated when others “studied” his quirks. He shouldn’t do it to others. \n\nGradually, his focus returned. The two sat together in silence, each reading in their respective books. Occasionally, someone would give the human a dirty look as they passed by, but no one was willing to start anything. Perhaps it was because he wasn’t alone? Still, the attention made Melias more and more uneasy. The last thing he needed was front-row tickets to racism-fuelled violence. Yet the thought of just abandoning Ro also felt wrong. The relaxed human was a far cry from the quivering, timid man that Melias had spoken to just yesterday. What changed?\n\nMelias looked at his computer’s clock. 2:42 PM. Looks like he’d have to bail on Ro whether he wanted to or not. He snapped his book and laptop shut and began packing things into his bag.\n\nRo looked up. “Oh, are you leaving now?”\n\n“Yes. I have class in fifteen minutes.”\n\n“Oh, I see. Well, um… see ya around.”\n\n“Thank you. Have a good day.” Melias slung his bag over his shoulder and began walking toward the stairs.\n\n“Oh, Melias?”\n\nMelias looked over his shoulder. “Yes?”\n“Will… will you be here tomorrow?”\n\n“I don’t know.” The crow took out his phone and checked his schedule. “Maybe. I have four classes tomorrow. Five on Friday. I might be too busy.”\n\n“Oh, ouch! W-well, okay. I’ll see you, uhh, whenever.”\n\n“Bye.” Melias walked down the stairs, feeling a little uncomfortable. He was so used to having his guard up around everyone, yet he felt calm around Ro. And that, paradoxically, made him nervous. The only people that didn’t put him at least a bit on edge were Dad and Pop, and they had proven themselves over his lifetime. He barely knew Ro. He barely knew about humans. \n\nAnd yet… he felt fine. Why? What did that mean? And why did it bother him so much?\n\nHe thought about it some more as he made his way toward the classroom, but all it did was wind him up even more. His defensiveness kept him from getting hurt, and, more importantly… from hurting others. He could not let his guard down. \n\n…So why did closing up feel like the wrong thing to do?\n\nFortunately, the class was actually somewhat interesting, and provided a distraction from the maelstrom forming in his head. Between the lecture and all the notes he took in the library, he was excited to get back to his dorm and work on his breadboard. He grabbed the door handle, paused, then pulled his hand back and knocked. After waiting a few seconds for a response, he pushed open the door and stepped in. He noticed that he left his breadboard sitting on his table, and immediately threw himself into his chair, whipped out his laptop, and got to work, all of his other worries and concerns vanishing into the background of his mind.\n\nHis hands danced around the desk as he cut wires and dropped chips into the holes. His head whipped back and forth as he read his notes, then looked at the board, then back again. Melias had few passions and even fewer things that could really capture his attention, but when he got really into something, it was like the rest of the world didn’t exist.\n\nBut it did still exist, and an orange tabby springing into the room was pretty hard to ignore. Melias squawked and leaned over his desk, putting his hands on his head as the door blasted open and Xaza landed in the middle of the room. Oh, so Melias had to knock, but this guy didn’t?\n\n“Hey, you’re back!” the cat said.\n\nMelias exhaled and slowly sat back up. “Please don’t scare me like that.”\n\n“Sorry, sorry! I won’t be here long. Whatcha doin’?”\n\nMelias looked down at his breadboard. “I’m designing and prototyping a rudimentary CPU. Specifically, I am experimenting with layouts for the ALU.” Confusing people with terminology they don’t understand is an easy way to get them to stop talking.\n\n“Is that going well?”\n\nOr not. “No. I think I need to attach a second breadboard to fit everything I need.”\n\n“Sorry, a what?”\n\nMelias turned around as Xaza opened his dresser. “A breadboard. They’re a prototyping platform for electronics.” \n\nThe cat suddenly yanked his pants off. Melias’ eyes went wide and darted to the bulge of Xaza’s tight-fitting underwear. Those lovely balls were in there. Would Melias get to see them again? \n\nXaza looked up at Melias. “Why are they called breadboards?”\n\nThe crow flicked his eyes toward the cat’s feet. “Huh? Oh, uh, b-because in the early days of electronics, um—” \n\nThe cat dashed Melias’ hopes by stepping into a pair of shorts and pulling them up.\n\n“—people would nail components to wooden breadboards, and the name stuck when they created better platforms.”\n\nXaza pulled his shirt off and tossed it on his bed. “Ahhh, semantic shift. Classic! Okay, I’m off to run until my legs fall off. Have a good evening, Melias!”\n\n“B-bye.” Melias sighed as the nearly nude cat jogged out the door. He simply did not have the social energy to keep up with Xaza. Though he was growing a bit more comfortable with him every day, there was still that fundamental distance that made him never fully let his guard down.\n\nHe looked down at the mess on his table. The design was just not working. Instead of struggling against it some more, he put all of the components into the table’s drawer and then fell onto his bed. His brief, uncomfortable chat with Xaza only made his comfort with Ro stand out more. What was going on?\n\nHe rolled over and checked the clock. 6:14 PM. Would Dad be home now? He pulled out his phone and began dialing. It rang a few more times than usual. He hoped he wasn’t… interrupting something. But eventually, the soft voice of his father found its way to his ear.\n\n“Hey, Mel!” His father sounded a little more tired than usual, but that fundamental cheer never left his voice.\n\n“Hi, Dad. How are you?”\n\n“I’m doing pretty well! How about you? Doing okay?”\n\n“I’m fine. Did first aid go well?”\n\n“Yep! No problem.”\n\n“That’s good. Do you have some time to talk about something?”\n\n“Always! What’s on your mind?”\n\nMelias took a deep breath. “Well, both yesterday and today, I spoke to the human.”\n\nDad hummed. “Ah, I see… what’s he like?”\n\n“I’m not sure. Yesterday, as I was wandering the library, I came across him hiding in an aisle. He tried to run away from me.”\n\n“Oh, wow. Did he say anything?”\n\n“Just ‘sorry’ over and over. I stopped him so I could apologize, and—”\n\n“Apologize for what?”\n\nMelias’ stomach dropped. Right… he didn’t tell Dad about their initial encounter, did he? “Oh, yes, well… on that first day, the one where he was getting yelled at… later, he saw me and tried to talk to me, and I…”\n\n“Oh… ah, Mel…”\n\n“I just asked him what he wanted, and he ran off, apologizing for bothering me.”\n\n“How did you ask him?”\n\nMelias didn’t answer.\n\n“Hey, Mel, we all slip up sometimes. Even I do! But you’re definitely getting better about it.”\n\n“I felt guilty all day.”\n\n“That’s actually a good thing. It means you have empathy. It means you’re not broken like you think you are.”\n\nComments like that always made Melias uncomfortable. Of course he was broken. Why do people waste their breath trying to tell him otherwise? “Anyway, um, yesterday, I tried to apologize, and he kept telling me not to.”\n\n“That poor kid. He sounds like he has no self-respect.”\n\nMelias sighed. “It’s hard to have self-respect when the world has no respect for you.”\n\n“But it is possible. I see it every day. And things get better once you do.”\n\n“Mmm… I’ll believe it when I see it.”\n\n“You’re getting better, Melias. I promise.”\n\nHow he wished he could believe it. He wished for that more than anything else. But it just felt fundamentally wrong. “Regardless, I apologized. He seemed conflicted… almost confused by it, then left. But today, when I was reading in the library, he came up to me and asked if he could sit at the same table.”\n\n“Oh, wow… did you let him?”\n\n“Yes.”\n\n“Great!” Dad said, with a little more excitement than Melias was okay with.\n\n“It’s no big deal.”\n\n“How do you know that?”\n\n“What do you mean?”\n\n“Mel… I’ve seen folks like… um, did you get his name?”\n\n“Ro. Is that a common human name?”\n\n“I don’t know. I’ve only met a few humans… hardly enough to know what’s common or not. Anyway, I’ve seen folks like Ro. You don’t get like that unless the world is beating you into the ground. A little kindness can go a long, long way to people suffering like that.”\n\n“I didn’t do much.”\n\n“Maybe not, but for some folks, ‘not much’ is an oasis compared to the usual desert of ‘nothing,’ you know?”\n\nMelias closed his eyes. Oh, he knew, alright.\n\n“Okay, Mel… sorry to cut this short, but Pop’s taking me out on a dinner date in half an hour—no, wait, twenty minutes, so I gotta go get cleaned up.”\n\nSo that was Pop’s treat. Melias groaned. They’ve been married for twenty-five years, and they’re still going on dates. He couldn’t help but envy them… would he one day find love like that? \n\nOf course he wouldn’t. No one else would fuck up [i]that [/i]badly.\n\n“Mel?”\n\n“Mmm?”\n\n“You alright?”\n\n“I’ll… I’ll be fine. Oh, Dad? One last thing before you go.”\n\n“Yeah?”\n\n“How did your glasses get in the laundry hamper?”\n\nDad laughed. “My current theory is that I took my shirt off and it just pulled my glasses off with it.”\n\n“And you didn’t notice?”\n\n“Look,” Dad said with a whiny giggle. “I’m still getting used to them, okay?” \n\nMelias smiled. “Okay, okay. That’s fair. Thank you again, Dad. Have a good night.”\n\n“Thanks, Mel. Love you.”\n\n“Love you too.”\n\nThe call ended, and Melias spread out across his bed and closed his eyes. An oasis…\n\nHis chest tensed. Memories flooded to the surface. Memories he wished he could forget. But he couldn’t forget them… he couldn’t forget what he did…\n\nHis fifth grade classroom. It was lunch time, and he had just worked up the courage to sit with a group of cool boys. But when he did, they just laughed and teased him. As he stormed away from the table, an arm shot out and grabbed his.\n\n“You can sit with me if you want.” \n\nLittle Melias looked down at a possum boy eating some apple slices. \n\n“Really?” Melias asked.\n\nThe possum smiled. “Sure! Do you like apples?”\n\n“I… yes, I do.” Melias sat down, staring at the juicy slices.\n\nThe boy slid the container toward Melias. “Take some! Mom always gives me too many.”\n\nMelias reached forward tentatively and took a slice. “T-thanks, Chekmak.”\n\nChekmak grinned. “Uh huh!”\n\nThe crow opened his eyes and looked around his dorm room. No, no, no… not this. He pulled himself out of bed, grabbed his laptop, put on his headphones, and began watching some videos. He didn’t care what. Anything. Just… anything to get his mind off the memories. It worked… barely. He spent the rest of the evening on edge, unable to focus on anything productive. As the sun faded and the room flooded with darkness, he wondered how Dad and Pop were doing. They probably spent the whole evening giggling and feeding each other their food. They were shameless like that. \n\nHis mind wandered again, and he couldn’t stop it. Painful memories that hovered on the periphery finally broke through. It was the Monday after he spent the weekend sleeping over at Chekmak’s place. He had a friend. A real friend! He was happy. Yet Chekmak seemed evasive at school. He always seemed to move away when Melias got close. They didn’t talk all day. They didn’t talk the next day, either. Why not? Did he do something wrong? Finally, Melias approached the possum while he was hanging out with some other friends.\n\n“What do you want, you gaybo?” asked Mlazei, a short, chubby snow leopard.\n\nMelias flinched and looked at Chekmak. “W-well, I just wanted to talk to Chek—”\n\n“You wanna talk to this guy?” said a scowling raccoon boy that Melias didn’t recognize.\n\n“I, um,” Chekmak said. He looked at Melias with sorrowful, apologetic eyes. The words didn’t seem like they wanted to come out of his mouth.\n\n“What’s wrong, Chek?” Melias asked as his heart sped up.\n\nThe raccoon boy stepped between Melias and Chekmak. “‘Chek?’ Piss off, you ugly goose!”\n\nMelias gasped. His scratchy, prepubescent voice came out in a squeaky squawk. “That’s a bad word! And I’m not a—ugh!” He staggered backwards as the raccoon shoved him with both hands. He looked at Chekmak. Their eyes met for a moment, and then the possum looked away. \n\n“Let’s go, guys,” Chekmak said, quietly.\n\nThe possum looked so sad, but it made no difference to Melias. His heart was too busy shattering like a fallen mirror. Why? Why, why, why? What did he do wrong? They had such a good weekend, and now Chekmak is acting like he doesn’t even know him? Why? Why??\n\nMelias growled and rolled over on his dorm room bed. Why did it still hurt? Ten years later, and it still hurt. He grabbed his phone and fired off a message.\n\n[19:53:33] Melias: Dad? Are you back from dinner yet?\n[19:55:04] Dad: Hi, Mel! Yep, got back about half an hour ago.\n[19:55:15] Melias: How did it go?\n[19:55:27] Dad: Wonderful. :)\n[19:55:36] Melias: I’m glad.\n\nMelias sighed and closed his eyes. Was he really going to wreck Dad’s evening because he couldn’t get his stupid emotions under control? Because he couldn’t get over some dumb kids being mean to him over half his life ago? He set his phone on the nightstand and grabbed his forehead. \n\nNo, that wasn’t [i]really [/i]what was bothering him. But to face the real problem meant… \n\nMelias spun around as the door swung open, and a shirtless Xaza meandered into the room, his whole body sagging as he panted.\n\n“God damn!” Xaza said, with more breath than voice. “I am so fucking dead!” He looked at the crow. “Hey, Melias.”\n\n“Hi.” Melias said. For the first time, he welcomed the cat’s presence—though he was still on guard.\n\n“You exercise at all, Melias?”\n\n“Not beyond walking around the college.”\n\n“Good. Don’t start.” Xaza fell face-first onto his bed, wheezing.\n\nMelias cocked his head. That was certainly the first time he had ever received [i]that [/i]advice. “Are you okay?”\n\n“No,” Xaza said, his voice muffled by the blanket. “But I’ll be fine… eventually.”\n\nMelias looked over at his laptop, then back at the cat, who was motionless except the heaving of his upper back. His eyes wandered down to Xaza’s shorts, which clung tightly to his well-shaped ass as his tail, sticking out of the top, flicked back and forth. Melias swallowed and looked away. No, he was not going to be horny and sad at the same time. Still, the cat’s intrusion did enough to give Melias relief from his own turmoil. He went back to watching videos, flicking his eyes over to Xaza every once in a while. It wasn’t out of lust—he was genuinely unsure if the cat was going to be okay. But Xaza did recover, and the two spent the rest of the night just poking away at their respective devices until it was time to sleep. Uneasy memories still hounded Melias, but he managed to fall asleep without any particularly bad ones giving him a nightmare.\n\nMelias did go to the library the next day, despite the gap between classes being only two hours. As he did the last two days, he pulled his book off the shelf and headed to a table upstairs. Not long after he sat down, a soft voice hit his ears. Melias turned his head and saw Ro, standing there with wide eyes. Was he waiting for him?\n\n“Oh, hi again, Melias.”\n\nA pang of comfort hit him. It made him uncomfortable. “Hi, Ro.”\n\n“C-can I sit here?”\n\n“Sure,” Melias said before looking back down at his book. Looking at Ro’s face for too long made him feel funny.\n\n“Thanks!” Ro said as he sat down. Like yesterday, not much was said for a while. As his eyes darted along the page, he felt a weird prickle on the top of his head. He looked up and locked eyes with Ro for a moment, who looked back down at his own page. That also made Melias feel funny. He went back to reading, but not long after, Ro made a few noises that sounded like he had something to say. \n\nMelias looked back up. “Yes?”\n\nThe human rubbed his hand over his mouth. “O-oh, sorry, I just… I was wondering… what kind of bird are you?”\n\nAh, yes, there it was. The Question. For the first time in a few days, Ro had him on guard. “I’m a crow.”\n\n“Oh! Are you albino?”\n\nMelias suppressed an eye roll and opened his beak, ready to launch into his usual response, but Ro lifted a hand and shook his head.\n\n“No, no, no, wait, your eyes are blue, not red. So that would make you leucistic, right?”\n\nMelias’ eyes went just a little wider than usual. “Y-yes, that’s right.” He knew? No one knew!\n\n“Cool!”\n\n[i]Cool? [/i]No, there must be a mistake. The only time Melias is ‘cool’ is when he’s outside during the winter. And yet he didn’t feel like Ro was messing with him. There was a sincerity to his voice that Melias didn’t detect in most conversations with other folks. It reminded him of his parents. How could the stories of humans be true when this one seemed so nice? “Um, thank you?”\n\nRo looked away. His pale skin seemed to be getting pinker. Was he okay? Perhaps humans were sort of like those reptiles that could change their skin colour to blend in.\n\nThey went back to their books, but a few minutes later, Ro cleared his throat again.\n\n“Umm, so… what are you reading?”\n\nMelias closed the book around his talon and read the cover. “Fundamentals of Hardware-Software Interface Design, third edition.”\n\n“Oh… what class is that for?”\n\n“It’s not for a class. I’m reading it for my own project.”\n\nRo sat up straight and smiled. “Oh, nice! What are you working on?”\n\n“I’m designing and prototyping a rudimentary CPU.”\n\nThe human leaned forward, his smile getting wider. “No way! That’s so awesome! What are you doing it in?”\n\nMelias leaned back, unsure how to handle the sudden enthusiasm. When was the last time someone actually thought what he was into was “awesome?” Aside from Dad and Pop… he sighed and looked down. Chekmak…\n\nRo dropped back into his chair and looked away, his smile vanishing from his face. “O-oh, sorry. I’m being weird. Sorry.”\n\nThe human’s sudden mood shift was like a smack on the crow’s beak. “No, you’re not. I’m just surprised. Most people don’t know what I’m talking about..”\n\nThe human looked back up and grinned sheepishly. “Well… I’ve spent all my life on computers, and I’ve spent a lot of time tinkering with them.”\n\nOh no. He’s [i]relatable.[/i]\n\nRo looked up toward the ceiling. “It’s just… you know. On the Internet, nobody knows you're a human. Nobody is judging you…”\n\nA dagger in Melias’ chest.\n\n“Or making assumptions about you…”\n\nAnd a twist for good measure.\n\nRo’s head shot back down toward the table. “Ah… sorry, I shouldn’t be such a downer.”\n\nMelias wasn’t sure how to respond; sympathy was not one of his strong suits. He opened and closed his beak a few times before settling on something. “No, I understand. People have said bad things about my appearance, too.”\n\nRo groaned. “That’s awful.” His voice got quiet. “No one should be judged by how they look…”\n\nMelias sighed and nodded. What he’s been through must pale in comparison to what Ro must have endured. Sometimes he wondered if his problems were really real. Maybe things weren’t so bad, and he just wasn’t strong enough to deal with them. Would he even still be alive if he had to live life in Ro’s shoes?\n\nThe human swallowed. “Uh, anyway… you didn’t actually answer my question.” \n\n“Which question?”\n\n“What are you making your CPU in?”\n\n“O-oh. I’m building it on a breadboard.”\n\nRo’s eyes went wide. “Wow! No shit?”\n\nA rabbit walking by glared at the human. “Keep your voice down.”\n\n“Sorry, sorry, sorry…” Ro said, shrinking back into his chair.\n\nWhen the rabbit left, Ro looked up again and spoke much more quietly. “I deserved that. But, wow, I assumed it was like a FPGA or something. Um… does it work? Your CPU, I mean.”\n\nMelias shook his head. “No. I keep running out of room on my breadboard. I think I need another one.”\n\nRo smiled. “That’s too bad. Is your design based on anything?”\n\n“Nothing specific. It’s extremely rudimentary. Eight-bit, probably only between ten and twelve instructions, four registers, though I’m thinking of reducing it to just two.” \n\nRo nodded enthusiastically at every statement. “Makes sense for a hobby project! What’s your favourite architecture?”\n\n“Oh, um, Wing.” Melias’ stomach dropped. He’s not just interested; he’s knowledgeable. \n\nRo nodded again. “Nice choice!”\n\nMelias was unsure how to handle all the enthusiasm. He looked down at his book, then up at the human, then back down again. “Um, yes, it’s a good one.”\n\n“Er, yeah…” Ro said. Something was a little off about his voice. A hint of… sadness? No… embarrassment? Melias wished he understood human speech patterns better.\n\n“Umm… what about yours?” the crow asked, trying to assuage the human.\n\nRo perked up a little bit. “Oh! Well, uh, Wing is my favourite too… but, uh, only the older versions. I get why they had to start from scratch, but it’s just not as fun to work with now.”\n\nMelias nodded. “Being able to predicate any instruction has too great an implementation cost.”\n\n“That’s right. And even if it were simple, other advances have obsoleted predication, speed-wise, anyway. Uh, I mean, aside from branches and jumps, obviously.”\n\nMelias’ anxiety grew hotter. Not only was Ro knowledgeable, he knew things he didn’t? Since when was predication obsolete? He wanted to ask more about it. He wanted to know what else Ro knew. But he couldn’t. He felt like he was walking into a trap. Start talking about your interests with someone, and before you know it… you’re friends. \n\nHow terrifying.\n\nSo he just nodded at the human, then looked back down at his book. He wasn’t going to fall for it. Friendship meant getting close enough to someone to be vulnerable. It meant caring about them, and being there for them when they needed help. Melias couldn’t do that. He couldn’t even help himself. \n\nThe two didn’t say much for the rest of the afternoon. Eventually, Melias began packing up.\n\n“O-oh, are you leaving?” Ro asked.\n\n“Yes. I have class in fifteen minutes.”\n\n“Ah! Don’t be late!”\n\n“I won’t be. It only takes a few minutes to get there.”\n\n“That’s good. Well, umm, see you later, Melias.”\n\nTo his own surprise, Melias smiled slightly. “Bye, Ro.” He turned around and stepped toward the stairs.\n\n“And, um, thank you…”\n\nThe crow stopped. “For what?”\n\n“Ah, uh…” Ro mumbled something that Melias didn’t catch.\n\nMelias stepped back toward the human. “Pardon? I didn’t hear you.”\n\nRo didn’t make eye contact. He spoke slowly and softly, as though any of his words could snap back and hit him in the face. “Just, thank you… for being nice to me.”\n\nAh… so Dad was right… Melias really was an oasis in the desert. They [i]were [/i]going to become friends, weren’t they?\n\n“Of course. Have a good day,” he said, then turned and walked away. This was bad. He couldn’t make a friend. It was too dangerous. He had to stop this before it went too far. Maybe he’d just stop going to the library. That way, he wouldn’t get hurt. No one would.\n\nHe exhaled, bounced down the stairs, and put his book back. The little possum boy’s smiling face showed up in his mind again. It shifted into his sad face. Then it…\n\nGuilt rose in Melias’ chest as he sped up, his thin legs carrying him out of the library and into the hall. No, this is exactly why he couldn’t go to the library again. It was better this way. Ro would forget him, and he could go back to his solitude. His safety. \n\nWhy did that feel so wrong?\n\nHis thoughts were an indistinct mess of anxiety and confusion as he reached the classroom. The lecture began, giving Melias an hour-long reprieve, but when it was over, his mind was right back where it started. He sped back to his dorm room and, after his knock drew no response, opened the door and fell back on his bed. He really, really just wanted to talk to Dad right now, so he sent off a text.\n\n[16:18:10] Melias: Hi, Dad. I know you’re probably at work, but do you have some time?\n[16:20:03] Dad: Hey, Mel! I’m a touch busy, so I might be slow to reply, but yeah, I can talk.\n[16:20:19] Melias: Oh. We can do this later, then.\n[16:20:58] Dad: Mel, please.\n[16:21:47] Melias: Well, okay. I sat with Ro again today, and he thanked me for being nice to him.\n[16:22:04] Melias: We spoke for a bit, and I told him about my CPU project. Not even Pop was as excited as he was.\n[16:22:12] Melias: But… I’m scared.\n[16:22:30] Melias: I keep thinking of Chekmak.\n[16:22:39] Melias: I’m… scared of doing it again.\n[16:22:50] Melias: I don’t want to go through that again.\n[16:22:56] Melias: What do I do?\n\nMelias took a deep breath and set his phone on his lap. Dad would know what to do, right? Dad always knew. But Dad wasn’t here right now. And Dad couldn’t stop his mind from dredging up more painful memories.\n \nHe was staring at a locker at his old high school. It was his second, maybe third week of ninth grade, and he felt more isolated and alone than ever before. Kids were mean… but teenagers were cruel. It had been particularly hard for him to get out of bed that morning, and he would have rather been standing on the sun. As he fiddled with the combination on his lock, someone cleared his throat behind him. Melias turned around and immediately felt like he had swallowed a stone. Standing there, looking at him out of the corner of his eye, was a tall and unexpectedly handsome possum with a slight smile and nervous eyes. The sight sickened him.\n\n“Um… Melly? Is that you?”\n\nThe crow tensed up. His hands balled into fists. “What do you want?”\n\n“I… I was just… I haven’t seen you in a while.”\n\n“And whose fault is that?”\n\nThe possum winced. “Look… I… you didn’t deserve that. I…”\n\nMelias’ feathers puffed up. “You what?”\n\n“I just… the guys, they didn’t like you, and I—”\n\nRage and fear clashed inside of him, swirling around like a tornado. He hated this. He knew exactly what was coming. And he knew he couldn’t stop it. “You chose them over me.”\n\n“I—”\n\n“Just like everyone else!”\n\n“Please, I’m sorry! I just wanted to… to…” Chekmak said, his voice beginning to tremble.\n\nMelias’ mind yelled at him to calm down. To accept his apology. He wanted to reach out and hug Chekmak. He wanted to look into his eyes and tell him that he forgave him. But his mind wouldn’t be yelling if it were in control.\n\n“To what? To what? Be my friend? So you can stab me in the back again? So you can choose a bunch of assholes over me? Assholes who don’t even like you very much? Is that what you want? Fuck you!” \n\nEvery word that left his beak felt like a whip lashing his heart. Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he control his anger? Why did he push everyone away? Why… why did he have to be Melias?\n\nThe possum’s eyes glistened and his nose shook. He closed his eyes, his voice quivering as he spoke. “You’re right. I’m a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to have friends. I won’t fuck up your life anymore. Bye, Melias.” When he opened his eyes, two large tears, one from each eye, rolled down his snout, and he spun around and walked away, slouching.\n\nMelias just watched him go. His mind screamed louder. It screamed to go after him, it screamed at his ego for fucking everything up, and it screamed just to scream. He was scum. He was trash. He could improve the world right now by just fucking dying. The worms wouldn’t even want his corpse. Worthless. Not even a person. Subavian. Worthless. Brute. Garbage. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless.\n\nHis phone buzzed and Melias opened his eyes. He swallowed. For all of the struggles in his life, his early teenage anger problems were one of the few that he actually overcame. To feel that rage again, even in memory, nauseated him. He swore that he would never get mad like that again. He would not cause that kind of damage again.\n\nHis phone buzzed once more, and he reached over and read the messages.\n\n[16:25:30] Dad: Oh, Mel… :(\n[16:26:25] Dad: I’ve seen the way you’ve changed over these last few years. I’m so proud of you for how hard you’ve worked to get better.\n[16:26:38] Dad: I think you’re ready. I believe in you. :)\n[16:27:00] Melias: But what if I haven’t changed? What if I’m just burying it? What if it’s in there, waiting to come out?\n[16:27:23] Dad: I think it’s waiting inside all of us. Most of us just don’t know it.\n[16:27:55] Melias: I doubt that. I can’t imagine you or Pop freaking out like I did.\n[16:28:07] Dad: Heh…\n[16:29:42] Dad: When we were younger, I watched Pop scream at Grandpop. A hell of a lot louder than you ever yelled at us. I won’t ever forget it. It’s in there, Mel. But if we know it, we can keep it there.\n\nMelias cringed. During the worst of his teenage years, he definitely snapped at his parents a few times. They never deserved it. He felt like curling up in a ball on the floor every time he remembered. Still, Pop? He didn’t even know Pop [i]could [/i]yell. Maybe Dad was right… \n\n[16:30:28] Melias: Ugh…\n[16:30:34] Melias: I just don't want anyone to get hurt.\n[16:30:55] Dad: It sounds like you want to be friends with Row.\n[16:31:07] Dad: Is that how you spell it?\n[16:31:18] Melias: I don’t know, actually.\n[16:31:28] Dad: Well, anyway \n[16:31:56] Dad: If you didn’t want to be his friend, you wouldn’t be so conflicted, would you?\n\nMelias sighed. Yep, that was it, wasn’t it? All those anxious thoughts, all those memories of Chekmak. They wouldn’t be happening if he didn’t care. But he did care. \n\n[16:32:40] Melias: I think you’re right.\n[16:32:47] Dad: :)\n[16:32:50] Melias: But I still don’t know what to do.\n[16:33:35] Dad: Just keep doing what you’re doing. Get to know him better. Maybe trade contact information and chat online.\n[16:33:46] Melias: I guess…\n[16:34:05] Dad: But go at your own pace. Set boundaries. Don’t make yourself uncomfortable.\n[16:34:17] Melias: You make it sound so easy.\n[16:34:32] Dad: Sorry. I know it’s not. But it gets easier the more you do it.\n[16:34:44] Dad: Just keep one thing in mind.\n[16:34:51] Melias: ?\n[16:35:55] Dad: Don’t forget about how Row’s feeling. He’s a person too, with his own hopes and fears, and from how you’ve described him, it sounds like he needs a friend as much as you do.\n[16:36:28] Dad: Hey, I’ve got a stack of papers to work through and less than half an hour to do it. \n[16:36:28] Melias: That just makes it scarier. I’m not strong enough to handle my own feelings. How am I supposed to handle someone else’s as well?\n[16:36:35] Melias: Oh… sorry.\n[16:37:03] Dad: Sometimes people find their strength in their friends. And besides, you’re way stronger than you think. \n[16:37:15] Dad: And it’s fine. :) Talk to you later, Mel. I love you.\n[16:37:21] Melias: Bye. Love you.\n\nMelias put his phone down and sighed. Find their strength in their friends? How? Anyone foolish enough to befriend Melias would learn very quickly that there was no strength to be had in him. He would just drain all theirs and give nothing back.\n\nHis phone vibrated, and he picked it up. Another message from Dad?\n\n[16:39:19] Dad: Oh, Mel? One last thing before I go.\n[16:39:30] Melias: Yes?\n[16:39:47] Dad: Is he cute?\n\nMelias gasped. It felt like he had been dunked into an ice bath.\n\n[16:40:00] Melias: Oh my god, Dad.\n[16:40:27] Dad: I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Okay, see ya. Love you.\n[16:40:37] Melias: Love you too… I think.\n[16:40:44] Dad: ;)\n\nMelias dropped his phone and slammed his eyes shut. He was having a lot of thoughts all at once, but one stuck out.\n\n[i]Was [/i]he cute?\n\nWell… kind of? He wasn’t sure what humans were supposed to look like. The photos he saw online made them look kinda messed up. But Ro wasn’t messed up at all. His soft-looking, orange fur… his round, smooth face, his tall, slender body… Melias thought they were all really nice.\n\nOkay, he [i]was[/i] cute. \n\nMelias pulled his pillow over his head and groaned. Why did Dad have to say anything? He didn’t want any of this. He just wanted to be left alone. Wouldn’t life be so much better if he could just stay in his room and mess around with his computers all day? No friends, no weird feelings, no nothing! Just him and cold, unthinking, uncaring silicon. Why couldn’t it be that way?\n\nHe knew why. He’d always known why. Deep, deep down inside, he knew he was just a lonely little white crow. That’s why he tried to sit with those boys at school. That’s why he was so happy to make a friend. That’s why he was so hurt when that friend turned his back on him. That’s why he was so furious when Chekmak tried to apologize. Being hurt was miserable, but hurting others was torture. It hurt less to sweep it under the rug than to risk feeling that way again. \n\nBut the problem with sweeping your dirt under the rug is that it’s still there. And every once in a while, someone comes by and kicks the rug across the room. And that someone is a cute, kind, interesting, red-furred human.\n\nNothing can be easy for poor Melias, can it?\n", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "“He’s looked everywhere! Absolutely everywhere!”

The primitive birds on the tree outside chirped as the sun peeked through the blinds. Xaza had already left, so Melias had given Pop a call. It made the crow happy to hear his parents’ voices… even if he did catch them in the middle of the hunt for Dad’s glasses.

Pop sighed. “And they make him look so cute, too.”

Sometimes it made Melias sick just how in love Dad and Pop were. “Pop, please.”

“They do!”

Melias rolled his eyes. “Where’s Dad now?”

“In our room… I swear that’s where he had them last…”

The thought of Dad having glasses still felt weird. He had gotten them only last week, and was uncharacteristically grumpy about it. Perhaps he wasn’t searching as hard as he could? But… that didn’t sound like Dad. For better or for worse, he didn’t give up on a problem, regardless of the size.

It was one of the reasons Melias was still alive.

“Has he checked—”

A high-pitched chirp rang out in the background. “I found ‘em!”

“Where were they?” Pop yelled back.

Dad said something that Melias couldn’t quite make out.

Pop laughed. “Oh my god, you goof. How did they get in there?” 

“I have no idea,” Dad said, sounding a lot closer. “I gotta run before I’m late…”

“Have a good day, dear.” Pop said, still giggling. “Love you—mmph!”

Melias winced. They were kissing, weren’t they? 

“Love you too,” Dad said. He raised his voice. “Love you, Mel!”

“Tell him I love him too,” Melias said. 

Pop repeated it, then continued talking to Melias. “Sorry about that… hear where he found them?”

“Where?”

“The laundry hamper.”

Melias snorted. “How could they have gotten in the laundry hamper?”

“Who knows!”

“I hope he’s not late.”

“Yep. It’s Wednesday, so…”

Oh, right, Wednesdays were shelter days. Once a week, Dad went to the homeless and abuse shelter to meet with his most hard-on-their-luck clients. Melias had no idea how he managed. Seeing people at their worst, betrayed and abandoned by society, every single week. Yet he still had so much time and love for his husband and son. How was he so strong?

Sometimes Melias wondered if the reason the rest of his life sucked so much was because he used up all his luck getting Dad and Pop as parents.

Pop continued. “Oh, and apparently, he also has to get recertified for first aid today, so it’s gonna be real busy for him. Maybe I can treat him this evening…”

Melias closed his eyes. Please, no further details.

“Speaking of busy… I’ve got a meeting in five, so I gotta run, too.”

Melias sighed in relief, then looked at the clock. 8:25 AM. “That seems early.”

“Time zones are a nightmare. When’s class for you?”

“An hour and a half. Then another class at three.”

Pop hissed. “Ooh, split schedule. That sucks.”

“Every day for the rest of the week is split. It’s very annoying.”

“Eh, like everything else at college, ya get used to it. Well, talk to you soon, okay? Love ya!”

“Okay. Bye, Pop. Love you too.”

“Bye-bye!”

The call ended, and Melias looked at the ceiling. The laundry hamper? Seriously? 

He spent the rest of his morning tinkering with his breadboard and eating a fruit salad before heading off to the dreaded public shower. He wasn’t sure if he would ever get used to it. At least he wasn’t covered in cum like last night. 

Class was uneventful, and, figuring Xaza would probably be back in the dorm, he decided to go to the library. The book he was reading was interesting and actually quite helpful, and, well… nah, that was the only reason. After plucking the book off the shelf and sitting down at a tucked away table upstairs, he began reading and taking notes. Soon, he was totally absorbed in the book, his mind swirling with new ideas and approaches. As he took notes on his laptop, he caught something in his peripheral vision. He looked over and saw a familiar figure poking his head out from an aisle of books. His chest tightened.

“Ro?” 

The human’s face seemed to shift to two different expressions at once, and he stepped out from behind the shelves. “O-oh, hi, Melias. How are you doing?”

“Fine. How about you?”

“Ah, I’ve been worse.”

Neither of them spoke for a few moments. Melias looked back down at his book, but the words on the page stopped making sense. What did Ro want? Why was he here? He wanted to say something, but…

“Can… can I sit here?” Ro asked.

He wants to sit here? With him? Why? What was wrong with the other tables? And yet… though the thoughts came, the fear and anxiety he expected with them was nowhere to be found. Ro didn’t scare him. So he did something he almost ever did: he said, “Sure.”

“Wait, really? T-thanks!” Ro took a seat in the chair across from Melias and dropped his bag on the table. “I’ve got some studying to do.”

“Okay.” Melias tried again to focus on his book, but a burning desire to say something overwhelmed his focus. The longer he said nothing, however, the harder it became to say anything, so he just sat there, staring at the same page. He flicked his eyes up to Ro, who was thumbing through the pages of a textbook with his tongue poking out of his mouth. 

Melias looked carefully at the human, intrigued by his physiology. The fur on his head was incredibly dense—far denser than all but maybe a sheep in need of shearing. And yet it was present nowhere else on his body? No… wait. His eyes moved down to Ro’s arms. At first, they seemed bare, but then he noticed a layer of thin red fur, so sparse it was easy to miss. How strange…

He looked back down at his book, suddenly self-conscious. He hated when others “studied” his quirks. He shouldn’t do it to others. 

Gradually, his focus returned. The two sat together in silence, each reading in their respective books. Occasionally, someone would give the human a dirty look as they passed by, but no one was willing to start anything. Perhaps it was because he wasn’t alone? Still, the attention made Melias more and more uneasy. The last thing he needed was front-row tickets to racism-fuelled violence. Yet the thought of just abandoning Ro also felt wrong. The relaxed human was a far cry from the quivering, timid man that Melias had spoken to just yesterday. What changed?

Melias looked at his computer’s clock. 2:42 PM. Looks like he’d have to bail on Ro whether he wanted to or not. He snapped his book and laptop shut and began packing things into his bag.

Ro looked up. “Oh, are you leaving now?”

“Yes. I have class in fifteen minutes.”

“Oh, I see. Well, um… see ya around.”

“Thank you. Have a good day.” Melias slung his bag over his shoulder and began walking toward the stairs.

“Oh, Melias?”

Melias looked over his shoulder. “Yes?”
“Will… will you be here tomorrow?”

“I don’t know.” The crow took out his phone and checked his schedule. “Maybe. I have four classes tomorrow. Five on Friday. I might be too busy.”

“Oh, ouch! W-well, okay. I’ll see you, uhh, whenever.”

“Bye.” Melias walked down the stairs, feeling a little uncomfortable. He was so used to having his guard up around everyone, yet he felt calm around Ro. And that, paradoxically, made him nervous. The only people that didn’t put him at least a bit on edge were Dad and Pop, and they had proven themselves over his lifetime. He barely knew Ro. He barely knew about humans. 

And yet… he felt fine. Why? What did that mean? And why did it bother him so much?

He thought about it some more as he made his way toward the classroom, but all it did was wind him up even more. His defensiveness kept him from getting hurt, and, more importantly… from hurting others. He could not let his guard down. 

…So why did closing up feel like the wrong thing to do?

Fortunately, the class was actually somewhat interesting, and provided a distraction from the maelstrom forming in his head. Between the lecture and all the notes he took in the library, he was excited to get back to his dorm and work on his breadboard. He grabbed the door handle, paused, then pulled his hand back and knocked. After waiting a few seconds for a response, he pushed open the door and stepped in. He noticed that he left his breadboard sitting on his table, and immediately threw himself into his chair, whipped out his laptop, and got to work, all of his other worries and concerns vanishing into the background of his mind.

His hands danced around the desk as he cut wires and dropped chips into the holes. His head whipped back and forth as he read his notes, then looked at the board, then back again. Melias had few passions and even fewer things that could really capture his attention, but when he got really into something, it was like the rest of the world didn’t exist.

But it did still exist, and an orange tabby springing into the room was pretty hard to ignore. Melias squawked and leaned over his desk, putting his hands on his head as the door blasted open and Xaza landed in the middle of the room. Oh, so Melias had to knock, but this guy didn’t?

“Hey, you’re back!” the cat said.

Melias exhaled and slowly sat back up. “Please don’t scare me like that.”

“Sorry, sorry! I won’t be here long. Whatcha doin’?”

Melias looked down at his breadboard. “I’m designing and prototyping a rudimentary CPU. Specifically, I am experimenting with layouts for the ALU.” Confusing people with terminology they don’t understand is an easy way to get them to stop talking.

“Is that going well?”

Or not. “No. I think I need to attach a second breadboard to fit everything I need.”

“Sorry, a what?”

Melias turned around as Xaza opened his dresser. “A breadboard. They’re a prototyping platform for electronics.” 

The cat suddenly yanked his pants off. Melias’ eyes went wide and darted to the bulge of Xaza’s tight-fitting underwear. Those lovely balls were in there. Would Melias get to see them again? 

Xaza looked up at Melias. “Why are they called breadboards?”

The crow flicked his eyes toward the cat’s feet. “Huh? Oh, uh, b-because in the early days of electronics, um—” 

The cat dashed Melias’ hopes by stepping into a pair of shorts and pulling them up.

“—people would nail components to wooden breadboards, and the name stuck when they created better platforms.”

Xaza pulled his shirt off and tossed it on his bed. “Ahhh, semantic shift. Classic! Okay, I’m off to run until my legs fall off. Have a good evening, Melias!”

“B-bye.” Melias sighed as the nearly nude cat jogged out the door. He simply did not have the social energy to keep up with Xaza. Though he was growing a bit more comfortable with him every day, there was still that fundamental distance that made him never fully let his guard down.

He looked down at the mess on his table. The design was just not working. Instead of struggling against it some more, he put all of the components into the table’s drawer and then fell onto his bed. His brief, uncomfortable chat with Xaza only made his comfort with Ro stand out more. What was going on?

He rolled over and checked the clock. 6:14 PM. Would Dad be home now? He pulled out his phone and began dialing. It rang a few more times than usual. He hoped he wasn’t… interrupting something. But eventually, the soft voice of his father found its way to his ear.

“Hey, Mel!” His father sounded a little more tired than usual, but that fundamental cheer never left his voice.

“Hi, Dad. How are you?”

“I’m doing pretty well! How about you? Doing okay?”

“I’m fine. Did first aid go well?”

“Yep! No problem.”

“That’s good. Do you have some time to talk about something?”

“Always! What’s on your mind?”

Melias took a deep breath. “Well, both yesterday and today, I spoke to the human.”

Dad hummed. “Ah, I see… what’s he like?”

“I’m not sure. Yesterday, as I was wandering the library, I came across him hiding in an aisle. He tried to run away from me.”

“Oh, wow. Did he say anything?”

“Just ‘sorry’ over and over. I stopped him so I could apologize, and—”

“Apologize for what?”

Melias’ stomach dropped. Right… he didn’t tell Dad about their initial encounter, did he? “Oh, yes, well… on that first day, the one where he was getting yelled at… later, he saw me and tried to talk to me, and I…”

“Oh… ah, Mel…”

“I just asked him what he wanted, and he ran off, apologizing for bothering me.”

“How did you ask him?”

Melias didn’t answer.

“Hey, Mel, we all slip up sometimes. Even I do! But you’re definitely getting better about it.”

“I felt guilty all day.”

“That’s actually a good thing. It means you have empathy. It means you’re not broken like you think you are.”

Comments like that always made Melias uncomfortable. Of course he was broken. Why do people waste their breath trying to tell him otherwise? “Anyway, um, yesterday, I tried to apologize, and he kept telling me not to.”

“That poor kid. He sounds like he has no self-respect.”

Melias sighed. “It’s hard to have self-respect when the world has no respect for you.”

“But it is possible. I see it every day. And things get better once you do.”

“Mmm… I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“You’re getting better, Melias. I promise.”

How he wished he could believe it. He wished for that more than anything else. But it just felt fundamentally wrong. “Regardless, I apologized. He seemed conflicted… almost confused by it, then left. But today, when I was reading in the library, he came up to me and asked if he could sit at the same table.”

“Oh, wow… did you let him?”

“Yes.”

“Great!” Dad said, with a little more excitement than Melias was okay with.

“It’s no big deal.”

“How do you know that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Mel… I’ve seen folks like… um, did you get his name?”

“Ro. Is that a common human name?”

“I don’t know. I’ve only met a few humans… hardly enough to know what’s common or not. Anyway, I’ve seen folks like Ro. You don’t get like that unless the world is beating you into the ground. A little kindness can go a long, long way to people suffering like that.”

“I didn’t do much.”

“Maybe not, but for some folks, ‘not much’ is an oasis compared to the usual desert of ‘nothing,’ you know?”

Melias closed his eyes. Oh, he knew, alright.

“Okay, Mel… sorry to cut this short, but Pop’s taking me out on a dinner date in half an hour—no, wait, twenty minutes, so I gotta go get cleaned up.”

So that was Pop’s treat. Melias groaned. They’ve been married for twenty-five years, and they’re still going on dates. He couldn’t help but envy them… would he one day find love like that? 

Of course he wouldn’t. No one else would fuck up that badly.

“Mel?”

“Mmm?”

“You alright?”

“I’ll… I’ll be fine. Oh, Dad? One last thing before you go.”

“Yeah?”

“How did your glasses get in the laundry hamper?”

Dad laughed. “My current theory is that I took my shirt off and it just pulled my glasses off with it.”

“And you didn’t notice?”

“Look,” Dad said with a whiny giggle. “I’m still getting used to them, okay?” 

Melias smiled. “Okay, okay. That’s fair. Thank you again, Dad. Have a good night.”

“Thanks, Mel. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

The call ended, and Melias spread out across his bed and closed his eyes. An oasis…

His chest tensed. Memories flooded to the surface. Memories he wished he could forget. But he couldn’t forget them… he couldn’t forget what he did…

His fifth grade classroom. It was lunch time, and he had just worked up the courage to sit with a group of cool boys. But when he did, they just laughed and teased him. As he stormed away from the table, an arm shot out and grabbed his.

“You can sit with me if you want.” 

Little Melias looked down at a possum boy eating some apple slices. 

“Really?” Melias asked.

The possum smiled. “Sure! Do you like apples?”

“I… yes, I do.” Melias sat down, staring at the juicy slices.

The boy slid the container toward Melias. “Take some! Mom always gives me too many.”

Melias reached forward tentatively and took a slice. “T-thanks, Chekmak.”

Chekmak grinned. “Uh huh!”

The crow opened his eyes and looked around his dorm room. No, no, no… not this. He pulled himself out of bed, grabbed his laptop, put on his headphones, and began watching some videos. He didn’t care what. Anything. Just… anything to get his mind off the memories. It worked… barely. He spent the rest of the evening on edge, unable to focus on anything productive. As the sun faded and the room flooded with darkness, he wondered how Dad and Pop were doing. They probably spent the whole evening giggling and feeding each other their food. They were shameless like that. 

His mind wandered again, and he couldn’t stop it. Painful memories that hovered on the periphery finally broke through. It was the Monday after he spent the weekend sleeping over at Chekmak’s place. He had a friend. A real friend! He was happy. Yet Chekmak seemed evasive at school. He always seemed to move away when Melias got close. They didn’t talk all day. They didn’t talk the next day, either. Why not? Did he do something wrong? Finally, Melias approached the possum while he was hanging out with some other friends.

“What do you want, you gaybo?” asked Mlazei, a short, chubby snow leopard.

Melias flinched and looked at Chekmak. “W-well, I just wanted to talk to Chek—”

“You wanna talk to this guy?” said a scowling raccoon boy that Melias didn’t recognize.

“I, um,” Chekmak said. He looked at Melias with sorrowful, apologetic eyes. The words didn’t seem like they wanted to come out of his mouth.

“What’s wrong, Chek?” Melias asked as his heart sped up.

The raccoon boy stepped between Melias and Chekmak. “‘Chek?’ Piss off, you ugly goose!”

Melias gasped. His scratchy, prepubescent voice came out in a squeaky squawk. “That’s a bad word! And I’m not a—ugh!” He staggered backwards as the raccoon shoved him with both hands. He looked at Chekmak. Their eyes met for a moment, and then the possum looked away. 

“Let’s go, guys,” Chekmak said, quietly.

The possum looked so sad, but it made no difference to Melias. His heart was too busy shattering like a fallen mirror. Why? Why, why, why? What did he do wrong? They had such a good weekend, and now Chekmak is acting like he doesn’t even know him? Why? Why??

Melias growled and rolled over on his dorm room bed. Why did it still hurt? Ten years later, and it still hurt. He grabbed his phone and fired off a message.

[19:53:33] Melias: Dad? Are you back from dinner yet?
[19:55:04] Dad: Hi, Mel! Yep, got back about half an hour ago.
[19:55:15] Melias: How did it go?
[19:55:27] Dad: Wonderful. :)
[19:55:36] Melias: I’m glad.

Melias sighed and closed his eyes. Was he really going to wreck Dad’s evening because he couldn’t get his stupid emotions under control? Because he couldn’t get over some dumb kids being mean to him over half his life ago? He set his phone on the nightstand and grabbed his forehead. 

No, that wasn’t really what was bothering him. But to face the real problem meant… 

Melias spun around as the door swung open, and a shirtless Xaza meandered into the room, his whole body sagging as he panted.

“God damn!” Xaza said, with more breath than voice. “I am so fucking dead!” He looked at the crow. “Hey, Melias.”

“Hi.” Melias said. For the first time, he welcomed the cat’s presence—though he was still on guard.

“You exercise at all, Melias?”

“Not beyond walking around the college.”

“Good. Don’t start.” Xaza fell face-first onto his bed, wheezing.

Melias cocked his head. That was certainly the first time he had ever received that advice. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Xaza said, his voice muffled by the blanket. “But I’ll be fine… eventually.”

Melias looked over at his laptop, then back at the cat, who was motionless except the heaving of his upper back. His eyes wandered down to Xaza’s shorts, which clung tightly to his well-shaped ass as his tail, sticking out of the top, flicked back and forth. Melias swallowed and looked away. No, he was not going to be horny and sad at the same time. Still, the cat’s intrusion did enough to give Melias relief from his own turmoil. He went back to watching videos, flicking his eyes over to Xaza every once in a while. It wasn’t out of lust—he was genuinely unsure if the cat was going to be okay. But Xaza did recover, and the two spent the rest of the night just poking away at their respective devices until it was time to sleep. Uneasy memories still hounded Melias, but he managed to fall asleep without any particularly bad ones giving him a nightmare.

Melias did go to the library the next day, despite the gap between classes being only two hours. As he did the last two days, he pulled his book off the shelf and headed to a table upstairs. Not long after he sat down, a soft voice hit his ears. Melias turned his head and saw Ro, standing there with wide eyes. Was he waiting for him?

“Oh, hi again, Melias.”

A pang of comfort hit him. It made him uncomfortable. “Hi, Ro.”

“C-can I sit here?”

“Sure,” Melias said before looking back down at his book. Looking at Ro’s face for too long made him feel funny.

“Thanks!” Ro said as he sat down. Like yesterday, not much was said for a while. As his eyes darted along the page, he felt a weird prickle on the top of his head. He looked up and locked eyes with Ro for a moment, who looked back down at his own page. That also made Melias feel funny. He went back to reading, but not long after, Ro made a few noises that sounded like he had something to say. 

Melias looked back up. “Yes?”

The human rubbed his hand over his mouth. “O-oh, sorry, I just… I was wondering… what kind of bird are you?”

Ah, yes, there it was. The Question. For the first time in a few days, Ro had him on guard. “I’m a crow.”

“Oh! Are you albino?”

Melias suppressed an eye roll and opened his beak, ready to launch into his usual response, but Ro lifted a hand and shook his head.

“No, no, no, wait, your eyes are blue, not red. So that would make you leucistic, right?”

Melias’ eyes went just a little wider than usual. “Y-yes, that’s right.” He knew? No one knew!

“Cool!”

Cool? No, there must be a mistake. The only time Melias is ‘cool’ is when he’s outside during the winter. And yet he didn’t feel like Ro was messing with him. There was a sincerity to his voice that Melias didn’t detect in most conversations with other folks. It reminded him of his parents. How could the stories of humans be true when this one seemed so nice? “Um, thank you?”

Ro looked away. His pale skin seemed to be getting pinker. Was he okay? Perhaps humans were sort of like those reptiles that could change their skin colour to blend in.

They went back to their books, but a few minutes later, Ro cleared his throat again.

“Umm, so… what are you reading?”

Melias closed the book around his talon and read the cover. “Fundamentals of Hardware-Software Interface Design, third edition.”

“Oh… what class is that for?”

“It’s not for a class. I’m reading it for my own project.”

Ro sat up straight and smiled. “Oh, nice! What are you working on?”

“I’m designing and prototyping a rudimentary CPU.”

The human leaned forward, his smile getting wider. “No way! That’s so awesome! What are you doing it in?”

Melias leaned back, unsure how to handle the sudden enthusiasm. When was the last time someone actually thought what he was into was “awesome?” Aside from Dad and Pop… he sighed and looked down. Chekmak…

Ro dropped back into his chair and looked away, his smile vanishing from his face. “O-oh, sorry. I’m being weird. Sorry.”

The human’s sudden mood shift was like a smack on the crow’s beak. “No, you’re not. I’m just surprised. Most people don’t know what I’m talking about..”

The human looked back up and grinned sheepishly. “Well… I’ve spent all my life on computers, and I’ve spent a lot of time tinkering with them.”

Oh no. He’s relatable.

Ro looked up toward the ceiling. “It’s just… you know. On the Internet, nobody knows you're a human. Nobody is judging you…”

A dagger in Melias’ chest.

“Or making assumptions about you…”

And a twist for good measure.

Ro’s head shot back down toward the table. “Ah… sorry, I shouldn’t be such a downer.”

Melias wasn’t sure how to respond; sympathy was not one of his strong suits. He opened and closed his beak a few times before settling on something. “No, I understand. People have said bad things about my appearance, too.”

Ro groaned. “That’s awful.” His voice got quiet. “No one should be judged by how they look…”

Melias sighed and nodded. What he’s been through must pale in comparison to what Ro must have endured. Sometimes he wondered if his problems were really real. Maybe things weren’t so bad, and he just wasn’t strong enough to deal with them. Would he even still be alive if he had to live life in Ro’s shoes?

The human swallowed. “Uh, anyway… you didn’t actually answer my question.” 

“Which question?”

“What are you making your CPU in?”

“O-oh. I’m building it on a breadboard.”

Ro’s eyes went wide. “Wow! No shit?”

A rabbit walking by glared at the human. “Keep your voice down.”

“Sorry, sorry, sorry…” Ro said, shrinking back into his chair.

When the rabbit left, Ro looked up again and spoke much more quietly. “I deserved that. But, wow, I assumed it was like a FPGA or something. Um… does it work? Your CPU, I mean.”

Melias shook his head. “No. I keep running out of room on my breadboard. I think I need another one.”

Ro smiled. “That’s too bad. Is your design based on anything?”

“Nothing specific. It’s extremely rudimentary. Eight-bit, probably only between ten and twelve instructions, four registers, though I’m thinking of reducing it to just two.” 

Ro nodded enthusiastically at every statement. “Makes sense for a hobby project! What’s your favourite architecture?”

“Oh, um, Wing.” Melias’ stomach dropped. He’s not just interested; he’s knowledgeable. 

Ro nodded again. “Nice choice!”

Melias was unsure how to handle all the enthusiasm. He looked down at his book, then up at the human, then back down again. “Um, yes, it’s a good one.”

“Er, yeah…” Ro said. Something was a little off about his voice. A hint of… sadness? No… embarrassment? Melias wished he understood human speech patterns better.

“Umm… what about yours?” the crow asked, trying to assuage the human.

Ro perked up a little bit. “Oh! Well, uh, Wing is my favourite too… but, uh, only the older versions. I get why they had to start from scratch, but it’s just not as fun to work with now.”

Melias nodded. “Being able to predicate any instruction has too great an implementation cost.”

“That’s right. And even if it were simple, other advances have obsoleted predication, speed-wise, anyway. Uh, I mean, aside from branches and jumps, obviously.”

Melias’ anxiety grew hotter. Not only was Ro knowledgeable, he knew things he didn’t? Since when was predication obsolete? He wanted to ask more about it. He wanted to know what else Ro knew. But he couldn’t. He felt like he was walking into a trap. Start talking about your interests with someone, and before you know it… you’re friends. 

How terrifying.

So he just nodded at the human, then looked back down at his book. He wasn’t going to fall for it. Friendship meant getting close enough to someone to be vulnerable. It meant caring about them, and being there for them when they needed help. Melias couldn’t do that. He couldn’t even help himself. 

The two didn’t say much for the rest of the afternoon. Eventually, Melias began packing up.

“O-oh, are you leaving?” Ro asked.

“Yes. I have class in fifteen minutes.”

“Ah! Don’t be late!”

“I won’t be. It only takes a few minutes to get there.”

“That’s good. Well, umm, see you later, Melias.”

To his own surprise, Melias smiled slightly. “Bye, Ro.” He turned around and stepped toward the stairs.

“And, um, thank you…”

The crow stopped. “For what?”

“Ah, uh…” Ro mumbled something that Melias didn’t catch.

Melias stepped back toward the human. “Pardon? I didn’t hear you.”

Ro didn’t make eye contact. He spoke slowly and softly, as though any of his words could snap back and hit him in the face. “Just, thank you… for being nice to me.”

Ah… so Dad was right… Melias really was an oasis in the desert. They were going to become friends, weren’t they?

“Of course. Have a good day,” he said, then turned and walked away. This was bad. He couldn’t make a friend. It was too dangerous. He had to stop this before it went too far. Maybe he’d just stop going to the library. That way, he wouldn’t get hurt. No one would.

He exhaled, bounced down the stairs, and put his book back. The little possum boy’s smiling face showed up in his mind again. It shifted into his sad face. Then it…

Guilt rose in Melias’ chest as he sped up, his thin legs carrying him out of the library and into the hall. No, this is exactly why he couldn’t go to the library again. It was better this way. Ro would forget him, and he could go back to his solitude. His safety. 

Why did that feel so wrong?

His thoughts were an indistinct mess of anxiety and confusion as he reached the classroom. The lecture began, giving Melias an hour-long reprieve, but when it was over, his mind was right back where it started. He sped back to his dorm room and, after his knock drew no response, opened the door and fell back on his bed. He really, really just wanted to talk to Dad right now, so he sent off a text.

[16:18:10] Melias: Hi, Dad. I know you’re probably at work, but do you have some time?
[16:20:03] Dad: Hey, Mel! I’m a touch busy, so I might be slow to reply, but yeah, I can talk.
[16:20:19] Melias: Oh. We can do this later, then.
[16:20:58] Dad: Mel, please.
[16:21:47] Melias: Well, okay. I sat with Ro again today, and he thanked me for being nice to him.
[16:22:04] Melias: We spoke for a bit, and I told him about my CPU project. Not even Pop was as excited as he was.
[16:22:12] Melias: But… I’m scared.
[16:22:30] Melias: I keep thinking of Chekmak.
[16:22:39] Melias: I’m… scared of doing it again.
[16:22:50] Melias: I don’t want to go through that again.
[16:22:56] Melias: What do I do?

Melias took a deep breath and set his phone on his lap. Dad would know what to do, right? Dad always knew. But Dad wasn’t here right now. And Dad couldn’t stop his mind from dredging up more painful memories.
 
He was staring at a locker at his old high school. It was his second, maybe third week of ninth grade, and he felt more isolated and alone than ever before. Kids were mean… but teenagers were cruel. It had been particularly hard for him to get out of bed that morning, and he would have rather been standing on the sun. As he fiddled with the combination on his lock, someone cleared his throat behind him. Melias turned around and immediately felt like he had swallowed a stone. Standing there, looking at him out of the corner of his eye, was a tall and unexpectedly handsome possum with a slight smile and nervous eyes. The sight sickened him.

“Um… Melly? Is that you?”

The crow tensed up. His hands balled into fists. “What do you want?”

“I… I was just… I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“And whose fault is that?”

The possum winced. “Look… I… you didn’t deserve that. I…”

Melias’ feathers puffed up. “You what?”

“I just… the guys, they didn’t like you, and I—”

Rage and fear clashed inside of him, swirling around like a tornado. He hated this. He knew exactly what was coming. And he knew he couldn’t stop it. “You chose them over me.”

“I—”

“Just like everyone else!”

“Please, I’m sorry! I just wanted to… to…” Chekmak said, his voice beginning to tremble.

Melias’ mind yelled at him to calm down. To accept his apology. He wanted to reach out and hug Chekmak. He wanted to look into his eyes and tell him that he forgave him. But his mind wouldn’t be yelling if it were in control.

“To what? To what? Be my friend? So you can stab me in the back again? So you can choose a bunch of assholes over me? Assholes who don’t even like you very much? Is that what you want? Fuck you!” 

Every word that left his beak felt like a whip lashing his heart. Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he control his anger? Why did he push everyone away? Why… why did he have to be Melias?

The possum’s eyes glistened and his nose shook. He closed his eyes, his voice quivering as he spoke. “You’re right. I’m a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to have friends. I won’t fuck up your life anymore. Bye, Melias.” When he opened his eyes, two large tears, one from each eye, rolled down his snout, and he spun around and walked away, slouching.

Melias just watched him go. His mind screamed louder. It screamed to go after him, it screamed at his ego for fucking everything up, and it screamed just to scream. He was scum. He was trash. He could improve the world right now by just fucking dying. The worms wouldn’t even want his corpse. Worthless. Not even a person. Subavian. Worthless. Brute. Garbage. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless.

His phone buzzed and Melias opened his eyes. He swallowed. For all of the struggles in his life, his early teenage anger problems were one of the few that he actually overcame. To feel that rage again, even in memory, nauseated him. He swore that he would never get mad like that again. He would not cause that kind of damage again.

His phone buzzed once more, and he reached over and read the messages.

[16:25:30] Dad: Oh, Mel… :(
[16:26:25] Dad: I’ve seen the way you’ve changed over these last few years. I’m so proud of you for how hard you’ve worked to get better.
[16:26:38] Dad: I think you’re ready. I believe in you. :)
[16:27:00] Melias: But what if I haven’t changed? What if I’m just burying it? What if it’s in there, waiting to come out?
[16:27:23] Dad: I think it’s waiting inside all of us. Most of us just don’t know it.
[16:27:55] Melias: I doubt that. I can’t imagine you or Pop freaking out like I did.
[16:28:07] Dad: Heh…
[16:29:42] Dad: When we were younger, I watched Pop scream at Grandpop. A hell of a lot louder than you ever yelled at us. I won’t ever forget it. It’s in there, Mel. But if we know it, we can keep it there.

Melias cringed. During the worst of his teenage years, he definitely snapped at his parents a few times. They never deserved it. He felt like curling up in a ball on the floor every time he remembered. Still, Pop? He didn’t even know Pop could yell. Maybe Dad was right… 

[16:30:28] Melias: Ugh…
[16:30:34] Melias: I just don't want anyone to get hurt.
[16:30:55] Dad: It sounds like you want to be friends with Row.
[16:31:07] Dad: Is that how you spell it?
[16:31:18] Melias: I don’t know, actually.
[16:31:28] Dad: Well, anyway 
[16:31:56] Dad: If you didn’t want to be his friend, you wouldn’t be so conflicted, would you?

Melias sighed. Yep, that was it, wasn’t it? All those anxious thoughts, all those memories of Chekmak. They wouldn’t be happening if he didn’t care. But he did care. 

[16:32:40] Melias: I think you’re right.
[16:32:47] Dad: :)
[16:32:50] Melias: But I still don’t know what to do.
[16:33:35] Dad: Just keep doing what you’re doing. Get to know him better. Maybe trade contact information and chat online.
[16:33:46] Melias: I guess…
[16:34:05] Dad: But go at your own pace. Set boundaries. Don’t make yourself uncomfortable.
[16:34:17] Melias: You make it sound so easy.
[16:34:32] Dad: Sorry. I know it’s not. But it gets easier the more you do it.
[16:34:44] Dad: Just keep one thing in mind.
[16:34:51] Melias: ?
[16:35:55] Dad: Don’t forget about how Row’s feeling. He’s a person too, with his own hopes and fears, and from how you’ve described him, it sounds like he needs a friend as much as you do.
[16:36:28] Dad: Hey, I’ve got a stack of papers to work through and less than half an hour to do it. 
[16:36:28] Melias: That just makes it scarier. I’m not strong enough to handle my own feelings. How am I supposed to handle someone else’s as well?
[16:36:35] Melias: Oh… sorry.
[16:37:03] Dad: Sometimes people find their strength in their friends. And besides, you’re way stronger than you think. 
[16:37:15] Dad: And it’s fine. :) Talk to you later, Mel. I love you.
[16:37:21] Melias: Bye. Love you.

Melias put his phone down and sighed. Find their strength in their friends? How? Anyone foolish enough to befriend Melias would learn very quickly that there was no strength to be had in him. He would just drain all theirs and give nothing back.

His phone vibrated, and he picked it up. Another message from Dad?

[16:39:19] Dad: Oh, Mel? One last thing before I go.
[16:39:30] Melias: Yes?
[16:39:47] Dad: Is he cute?

Melias gasped. It felt like he had been dunked into an ice bath.

[16:40:00] Melias: Oh my god, Dad.
[16:40:27] Dad: I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Okay, see ya. Love you.
[16:40:37] Melias: Love you too… I think.
[16:40:44] Dad: ;)

Melias dropped his phone and slammed his eyes shut. He was having a lot of thoughts all at once, but one stuck out.

Was he cute?

Well… kind of? He wasn’t sure what humans were supposed to look like. The photos he saw online made them look kinda messed up. But Ro wasn’t messed up at all. His soft-looking, orange fur… his round, smooth face, his tall, slender body… Melias thought they were all really nice.

Okay, he was cute. 

Melias pulled his pillow over his head and groaned. Why did Dad have to say anything? He didn’t want any of this. He just wanted to be left alone. Wouldn’t life be so much better if he could just stay in his room and mess around with his computers all day? No friends, no weird feelings, no nothing! Just him and cold, unthinking, uncaring silicon. Why couldn’t it be that way?

He knew why. He’d always known why. Deep, deep down inside, he knew he was just a lonely little white crow. That’s why he tried to sit with those boys at school. That’s why he was so happy to make a friend. That’s why he was so hurt when that friend turned his back on him. That’s why he was so furious when Chekmak tried to apologize. Being hurt was miserable, but hurting others was torture. It hurt less to sweep it under the rug than to risk feeling that way again. 

But the problem with sweeping your dirt under the rug is that it’s still there. And every once in a while, someone comes by and kicks the rug across the room. And that someone is a cute, kind, interesting, red-furred human.

Nothing can be easy for poor Melias, can it?
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