Cielan sat in bed, dragging his talons through his crest, staring down the barrel of another lonely night. He was no stranger to the feeling, but it had been getting more and more intense. He craved affection, intimacy, and the touch of another. And he was getting none of it. He groaned and rolled onto his side, the creaking of the bed reverberating around the room.

Well, at least he had a bed. The last few years had been very hard on Cielan. He was living on the streets after the deaths of his parents when he was a teenager. His mind wandered back to the times he slept on sidewalks, in alleyways, under bridges, or wherever he could. He had come to learn Port Rozen very well in this time, and decided to stay mostly in the religious Postern district, where the citizens were a little kinder with their coin. It was here that he finally found a roof over his head.

A few weeks ago, as he was dumpster diving, the owner of the building had come to take out some trash. Cielan couldn’t hide in time, and was discovered. Instead of admonishing him, the owner, an elderly grizzly bear, invited him inside for a proper meal. Cielan was hesitant, but the nauseating pain in his stomach left him with little choice. It turned out to be the right move, as the bear was very kind and generous. Cielan learned that the old grizzly was a widow named Judy, but she preferred to be called Mrs. Breling, because it reminded her of her late husband. To fill the emptiness in her house and her life, she invited some of the homeless girls of the district to stay in the spare rooms, in exchange for company and helping out around the house. She offered Cielan a place to stay, and it took a few days for her to realize that he was, in fact, male. It was an understandable error; the blue jay did have a high voice and was smaller than many of the girls. Despite this, Mrs. Breling had grown quite fond of him, and said that he was about as dangerous as a quilt and sweet as honey, and let him stay.

The other girls in the house didn't seem to mind. Not that a panther and a wolf would be intimidated by a blue jay a head shorter than them. And besides... they didn’t know it, but Cielan would never be interested in them. Not like that. 

Nevertheless, Cielan had hoped that their company would fill at least some of the emptiness inside him, but it only made it worse. Getting a sample of actual kindness only intensified his need for the full thing. But for a young, gay blue jay in a religious part of the city, opportunities seemed non-existent. He glanced out his second floor window at the figures bustling underneath the street lights. He sighed, his breath shaking as it escaped him.

He knew of a place down by the docks that offered the certain kind of company that he was looking for, but he never could summon the courage to visit. The docks didn't have the greatest reputation in the city. Though there were worse places to be, the docks were overwhelmingly populated by the kind of guy who was satisfied with simple pleasure, with little desire for something deeper. When they were off-duty, they got together and drank. Large groups of drunken men often grew disorderly. Disorder meant that respectable people stayed away. Still, there were a handful of those men who fancied one another more than they fancied the ladies, and there was an establishment for them.

Cielan groaned. Tension crept from his gut and spread to the tips of his wings. His restlessness got the better of him, and he popped out of bed and threw on his jacket. Despite his best efforts to remain quiet, the floorboards creaked as he tiptoed out of his room and down the stairs. As he turned the doorknob to leave the house, a voice behind him glued him to the floor.

"Are you going out, Cielan?" a gentle voice asked. Cielan spun around to face Mrs. Breling, who cocked her head at him 

"Oh... yeah. I'm just... going for a little walk. I won't be out late," Cielan said. He felt terrible. If things went the way he hoped, he wouldn't be back at all, and that would worry Mrs. Breling sick. The thought of upsetting her hit him like a boulder, and he reconsidered his plans.

"It's already past ten, Cielan," she asserted. "Can't it wait until the morning?"

"I just need a little stretch," he mumbled, weakly. The grizzly sighed.

"You haven't forgot about the church, have you?" Cielan's heart sank. He had, actually. The church had some old furniture that they were donating, and he had agreed to head down there with Mrs. Breling and the girls in the morning to help them move it.

"No, Mrs. Breling," he said, feeling his stomach knot up. Mrs. Breling shook her head.

"Just take care of yourself, alright, sweetie? Don't stay out long."

"Alright, Mrs. Breling," he said as he pushed open the door. His chest felt like it was going to collapse in on itself. Cielan didn’t like to lie, not even to complete strangers, but doing it to those who actually cared about him was miserable. He decided that he would just take a stroll around the block, but after passing a few houses, the loneliness swelled up again. It took control of his legs, and he began to walk toward the docks. Cielan sighed. He had been down this road more times than he cared to admit. Before he met Mrs. Breling, he'd often find himself drifting toward Red River Tavern. It was a low key place, hidden out of sight, but people knew what it was for. Cielan had always dreamt of meeting someone nice, but he just never knew where to go for that. A gay bar, he figured, was as good a place to start as any. But every time he got close, fear seized him, and he turned back. Not tonight, he told himself. Thoughts of moving furniture in the morning slipped into the back of his mind as he moved nearer and nearer to his destination. 

As he turned the corner onto Birch Street, the familiar floodlights of the docks filled his vision. As the city slept, the riverside bustled. Shipments came in all night and the stores expected to have fresh stock in the morning. He zigged and zagged his way through the crowd, trying not to pay any mind to the strange glances he was getting. The short, lithe jay seemed quite out of place compared to the burly men typically found here. His heart pounded as he slipped into a dimly lit alley and found the plain metal door with the faint red lamp above it. Yeah, this was the one. The door he'd walked up to so many times but never opened. Tonight was the night. Gathering himself, he strode over to the door and put his ear to it. Muffled music filled his head, and he took a deep breath as he pushed open the door and slid in. 

The smell of inebriation crashed into him after a single step, and uncertainty followed close behind. Cielan did not drink. He tried it once and it just made him sick, and he'd seen enough drunk folks making asses of themselves to have no interest in trying again. No smoke, though. That was nice. Smoke drummed up some bad memories. He kept close to the wall, breaking off only as he reached the bar. Part of him wanted to be noticed and an admittedly larger part wanted to be invisible. When he reached the counter, he hopped onto a stool and looked out at the clientele in the rest of the tavern.

"Aren't you a little young to be in here?" a gruff voice said from the side. Cielan turned his head to see an aging golden retriever behind the bar, appraising him.

"Oh, uh, I am an adult," Cielan said, holding up a finger. The dog raised an eyebrow and drummed his fingers on the bar.

"Can you prove that?"

Cielan gulped. He couldn't even prove who he was, much less that he was an adult. He made a pantomime of searching his pockets but the barkeep waved a hand and rolled his eyes.

"Listen. Unless you're buyin' a drink, I don't care. But a little word of advice." The retriever put his arms on the bar and leaned toward Cielan. "This ain't no coffee shop. There are guys in here who would take advantage of a kid like you without a second thought. Don't be stupid."

Cielan gave him a quick nod. Deep down, he already knew that, but his hormones raged and thrashed on the surface, overruling his better judgment. He turned back to the tavern and scanned the occupants. He was a little surprised to find that didn't find many of these guys attractive. He had always fantasized about cuddling and kissing and other sorts of sentimental, mushy stuff. He was very much not interested in being dominated and bossed around. And the guys in this place looked like the type to dominate and boss you around. Draft horses with muscles the size of his head. Boars that looked like they'd toss each other through a window at the slightest provocation. Gorillas that looked like they could wrap a steel beam around their hand with a single punch. It was a little unsettling. Maybe coming in here was a mistake...

"What'll it be?" the barkeeper said. Cielan spun around to see a decently built buck sitting next to him at the bar. He was an attractive, if scruffy man showing early signs of aging. Cielan wasn’t sure what caught his eye more–the nearly perfectly square jaw, or the antlers which added nearly an additional foot of height.

"Just a cheap beer. Really don't care what kind." 

The barkeeper nodded and poured him a drink. The man spied Cielan, who was staring at the mug.

"Haven't seen you here before," he said as he pounded down half the beer in one swig. 

"Oh, I'm new," Cielan said, trying to sound sweet. The man nodded and took another large gulp.

"You waiting for someone?"

"Ummm, not really," Cielan chirped. The man nodded again and looked over at him.

"I ain't either, but I'd've been here sooner if I had known a cutie like you'd be waiting for me."

If Cielan could blush, he would have. He looked away.

"Well... I was feeling a little lonely..." he said. 

The man smirked. "Anything I can do about that?" 

Cielan's heart fluttered. Was it really this easy? It seemed too good to be true. Excitement welled up inside of him, but he couldn't ignore the jitters that accompanied them. The barkeeper's words echoed in his mind, but he cast them aside and pressed on.

"What did you have in mind?" Cielan asked, fighting to hold his voice steady.

"Hah, you really are new here," the man said. "Follow me. They've got some rooms upstairs." The man hopped off his stool and made his way to a narrow staircase in the corner as Cielan followed close behind.

"My name's Cielan," he said as they began their ascent. The man nodded his head a few times.

"Nice name," he said, distantly, after a moment. Cielan waited for the deer to give his, but he never did. The jitters grew stronger. Was this right? He was starting to have second thoughts. As they reached the top step, Cielan could hear the sound of rocking beds and muffled moaning coming from through the walls. Great. Not only was he nervous, but now he felt trashy. The buck walked down the hallway, threw open the first unlocked door, and sat down on the bed. Cielan followed him and looked around. The room was spartan, but at least it seemed like the linens were washed. They probably needed to be washed a lot.

"Lock the door," the man said. Cielan did as was told, and when he turned back, the man had already taken his half-erect dick out. Cielan felt a stirring deep in his loins. He had seen some of the other homeless people reduced to licking dicks for a dollar, but he had never actually done it himself. Immediately, he was struck by how thick the man's cock was–at least compared to his own. He didn't actually know much about the genital variation between the species, and that lack of experience made him hesitate. He stared at the buck's wide, tapered length as the man stroked it.

"Ain't gonna lick itself, kid," the man said to the ogling jay. Cielan snapped out of his trance and rolled onto the bed next to his partner, who turned slightly to the side. He rested his head on the man's fuzzy thighs and attempted to put his mouth around the cock.

"You watch that beak," the buck said. "If you cut me, I'm gonna rip it off." Cielan was a bit taken aback. He was a blue jay, not a cockatoo. Sure, his beak was sturdy, but it's not like he had a pair of wire cutters for a mouth. Nevertheless, gave a small nod as he gently wrapped his talons around the man's cock. "And those damn claws, too!" the man said, raising his voice. Cielan winced. He hated being shouted at. He took a deep breath and He stuck his tongue out and began to explore the man's length with it. He flicked and licked awkwardly around the shaft for a little under a minute before the buck interrupted him.

"Man, what are you doing?" the deer said, sighing. Cielan peeped noncommittally and pulled his beak away. The man rolled his eyes. "It ain’t a fuckin’ lollipop, kid. Ain't you ever watched porn before?" he said, talking down to the bird. No, not really. He had internet access as a child, but the last few years hadn't really given him that opportunity. He was beginning to feel very inadequate. Very out of his depth. Part of him wanted to just get up and leave. But despite his growing aversion to this guy, a part of him didn't want to let him down. He readjusted his tongue and swirled it around the top of the man’s shaft.

"There ya go..." the man said as he resumed stroking his shaft. Cielan felt a hand slide into his pants and begin exploring his hips. The touch was electrifying, amplifying both the good and bad emotions coursing through him. He continued licking as the cervine digits danced up and down his rear, rubbing up to his tail feathers and down to his perineum before finally settling on his anus. The avian moaned softly as the stranger slid his finger over the hole so lightly that it almost tickled. Gaining a little confidence, Cielan picked up the pace, his tongue moving up and moving up and down the shaft. For the first time in his life, he wished he had lips. Precum now oozed from the tip, and Cielan tried a bit. It was kind of tasty, actually. Nice and salty. He had once tried some of his own, but it didn't really taste like much of anything. Soon after, the man stopped teasing Cielan's hole and slowly slid a finger in. The jay exhaled deeply as his anus wrapped around the invading digit, his cock twitching with the stimulation.

"Damn, ain't had much use back here, have ya?" the man grunted as pushed to the knuckle. Cielan started feeling inadequate again. He had definitely explored himself while in the bath, but aside from that, he hadn't had any action at all. "Well... let's see what I can do about that. Turn around, kid," the man said as he got to his feet. Cielan stared at the floor. His stomach felt like a swarm of butterflies. It seemed like just an hour ago, he would have given anything to be in this position. Now... he just felt scared. He wasn't ready.

"Well? Don't got all night. I haven't had a good fuck in a week and I ain't gonna let you tease me like this," the man said, his voice gaining a threatening edge. Cielan definitely wasn't feeling it now.

"But..."

The man threw his hands into the air. "I didn't come up here to get blue balled by the worst blowjob in history. Turn. Around."

Cielan’s chest tightened. What little confidence he had was definitely gone now, replaced largely by fear. He wanted to run, but he didn’t trust this guy to not rape him if he tried to leave. After some brief mental math, he figured that compliance was his best option. His legs shook as he slid his pants down to his knees before slowly spinning around on the bed and presenting himself. 

"Fuck, finally," the man said. Cielan took a sharp breath as the leaky tip pushed up against his backside. He balls drew up into his body as the cock began its invasion, sliding inch by torturous inch into the bird. A high-pitched whine escaped his throat as his hole burned, unaccustomed to being stretched this much. 

"It don't hurt that much," the man said as he pushed deeper and deeper. Cielan's stomach turned upside down. Maybe there were worse things than crippling loneliness. He wanted to dig his talons into the deer's thighs and shred them up, but he also wanted his head to remain attached to his neck, so he gritted his beak and tried his best to bear it. After what seemed like forever, the deer finally hilted, the thickest part of his cock saved for last. Cielan inhaled sharply, trying his best to endure the pain.

"Hit the spot, huh?" the man teased as he flexed his cock. Cielan winced and groaned. No, not really. He was growing used to it, and on some level, he could see the appeal, but this is not what he wanted his first time to go. He imagined a romantic and tender moment with someone he loved. What was he thinking?

The buck finally hilted, his hips bumping into Cielan's cushy backside. "Damn, kid... you're squeezin’ the life out of me," he said as he slowly withdrew his member. Cielan felt the pressure dissipate for a brief moment before he was filled up again. To his surprise and relief, it hurt much less the second time. As the man slowly picked up the pace, Cielan suddenly felt his backside lift up, along with a burning sensation in his tailbone. He turned around to see the deer yanking on his tail feathers. Grimacing, he reached back and slapped feebly at the fuzzy arm.

"What, you don't like that?" the guy asked.

"Ummm... not really," he said, trying to sound non-confrontational. He really wanted to say was more like "fuck you."

The man sighed as he let go of the feathers and instead grabbed the bird's hips.

"Well, ya better like this," he said as he pulled Cielan's body back onto his penis as he thrust forward. The bird wasn't prepared for the change in pace, and he buried his head into the mattress. He hated this. It wasn’t the physical pain–if anything, that was feeling better–it was feeling like being a sex toy. Feeling degraded and diminished. Feeling worthless, useless, and disgusting. The exact emotions he wanted to extinguish by finding a partner. He wanted nothing more than to leave, but he was scared to try. 

The buck lifted a foot onto the bed and swung his hips like a pendulum, each thrust ending in an audible slap as his hips slammed into the plumed behind. Cielan's mind swirled. He was emotionally miserable, but the raw physical sensation was now almost pleasurable. The two opposites tugged painfully at each other, and he shouted into his pillow.

"Fuck, you trying to make me cum already?" the man said, gasping as he slid a hand down the jay's thigh and to his scrotum. Cielan continued to groan into the pillow, his wings trembling as the pounding continued. The hand slid further down before wrapping around the bird's flopping, flaccid penis. Cielan winced as the buck’s rough, dry fingers wrapped uncomfortably around his sensitive length. 

"Let go of me!" Cielan said as he turned his head away from the pillow and stared daggers at the man.

"You sure bitch a lot, kid," the man snorted as the stroking and thrusting continued. Cielan bit the pillow and held his breath. 

Cielan’s mind burned. How could he have expected this to go any other way? What a fucking idiot. Maybe he should just dig his talons into this dude. He would get his ass kicked and get sent to the hospital, or better yet, the morgue. Maybe then, he’d stop wasting the air that more worthwhile creatures, like the worms in the soil, could use. He’d deserve it, anyway. What a loser. What a moron. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stu–

"I'm gonna fuckin' bust, kid," the deer said, growling. Cielan snapped out of his self-loathing trance. The man took his hand off Cielan's cock and put it back on his hips, once again slamming the bird back into him. Cielan squealed and writhed as the man roughhoused him. After a few more thrusts, the man crashed into Cielan one last time, throwing his head back as a guttural groan escaped between his gritted teeth. The pulsing cock stretched the jay's backside as it planted its load deep inside. He could feel the slimy warmth spreading out inside of him, and something about it just hit him hard. This was supposed to be the proof of love. The proof of trusting someone deeply enough to be vulnerable with them. Instead, it was just perversion. Just lust. It was the opposite of what he wanted. 

The man thrust a few more times to tease out the rest of his cum before sliding his cock out. Cielan collapsed onto his stomach, a bead of semen dribbling out of his abused hole. At last, it was over. He felt sick. Lower than dirt. Like a sleeve. As the epithets flowed through his mind, he heard a rustling behind him. He lifted his head to see the guy who had just debased him heading for the door.

"Hey... where are you going?" Cielan asked. After all that, the guy was just… leaving? Why did that hurt so much? He wanted nothing to do with the buck, but part of him hoped he'd at least apologize, or something. Anything to affirm that he wasn't just some kind of sleeve.

"Yeah, thanks for the fuck, kid, but I gotta work in the morning."

"Wait..." Cielan said as he rolled onto his back. The man's cum slid out of his hole, sticking to his tail feathers.

"What, you wanna fuckin' snuggle? I don't got time for that. I gotta be up in seven hours as it is."

"But..." Cielan said, wobbling to his feet. More cum leaked out, running down his thigh as he shuffled toward the fleeing deer, pants still around his knees. As the man unlocked the door, Cielan grabbed his shoulder.

"The fuck are you doing?" the man said as he swung his arm, striking Cielan in the chest. He stumbled backward onto the bed, clutching his ribs. The man muttered to himself as he kicked open the door, stepped out, and slammed it behind him. Cielan curled up on the bed and wept. The hit to the chest didn’t break his ribs, but it did break his heart. He felt like a piece of meat. A worthless, pointless, good-for-nothing piece of meat. He rolled onto his back and stared blearily at the ceiling for a while, trying to get a grip. It didn't work. If anything, it got worse. His anguish overwhelmed him, and he grabbed a pillow, slammed it over his beak, and screamed. He screamed, and he screamed, and he screamed, until someone opened up the door.

“Uh, you okay in there?” the voice said. Cielan didn’t bother to look. He didn’t even bother to cover up. He didn’t care.

<HERE>

“Go away…” he said, barely raising his face from the bed. The door closed without another word from whoever was there, but the interruption was enough to bring him out of his angst. He rolled over and grabbed the bed’s thin blanket and ran it up and down his crack, not really caring about how gross that was. After sliding his pants back up, he shoved open the door and shambled down the stairs. As he made a bee-line for the exit, he took a glance at the tavern. Still as lively as ever. No one seemed to give a shit about the commotion upstairs. Probably happened all the time. As he turned his head, his eyes met the barkeeper's, who looked down at the glass he was drying and shook his head. Shame and guilt shot through Cielan's veins. He strode to the door, flung it open, and ran outside and into the now rainy alley. He ran, and he ran, and he ran, ignoring the pain as his sticky feathers pulled apart, until the bright glow of the bay lights faded into the misty sky behind him. The adrenaline that carried him through the docks finally depleted, and he stumbled into a wall. The damp night air filled his nostrils and he began to sob once more. The occasional set of footsteps reverberated from the cobbles behind him, but no one stopped to ask him if he was okay. No one cared. No one ever cared.

Cielan's mind was a tumult. Fucking idiot. Fucking idiot! Of course you're not going to find a boyfriend at a fucking gay bar at the fucking docks. Tears dripped from his eyes as the last vestiges of his self-worth washed away with the rain. He was exhausted. His legs ached from the unexpected sprint. His mind ached from the war his emotions were waging. His heart ached from the unbearable loneliness within it. WIth some effort, he managed to push himself off the wall. As if set to autopilot, he began walking home, paying little attention to the area around him. Lost in his misery, he soon found himself back in the Postern district with no memory of the intermediate space. He passed a little shop and looked at the electronic billboard outside. 1:15 AM. He thought of Mrs. Breling and immediately felt queasy. Maybe he could sneak in and she wouldn't notice.

As he arrived at the steps of what was hopefully still his home, he took a deep breath. His talons trembled as he fumbled for the key. He slid it into the lock and tried to turn it slowly, but the door still made a noticeable "clunk" as it unlocked. Cielan froze, holding the doorknob for a good half minute, hoping no one was awake. After he gathered himself, he turned the knob the rest of the way and nudged the door open. His throat tightened as the hinges creaked with each inch, but eventually, he got it open enough that he could squeeze in. Closing the door was a similar ordeal. It sounded like it was out of a haunted house. Why couldn't these damn things just keep quiet? After the latch clicked, he began to sneak up the stairs. He managed two steps before the stairwell light clicked on and froze him in place.

"Cielan," the drowsy voice of Mrs. Breling said from behind him. "You said you weren't going to be out long."

Cielan's head drooped. Well, this was it. She was going to freak out and toss him back onto the street. His muscles began to twitch as fear paralyzed him.

"Sorry," he croaked, the last syllable dying as it escaped his throat. The tension that had been building up over the past few minutes burst forth, and he started quietly crying once more.

Mrs. Breling sighed and slowly walked toward Cielan. “What’s this all about?” she asked. “My boy, you better not be getting up to no good. I let you stay here–”

“I know! I’m sorry… just…” Cielan said between his sobs, a little louder than he wanted. Mrs. Breling placed a paw on his shoulder and tugged gently. He spun around and stared at her, his eyes bloodshot and the feathers around them a complete mess. The elderly bear’s severe stare quickly eased up.

"What happened?" She asked, her voice relaxing. Cielan's beak trembled as he tried to speak, but he couldn't get anything coherent out. Mrs. Breling opened her own mouth, but closed it as Cielan sat down on the stairs and buried his head in his talons. He had felt more than his share of misery tonight, but somehow, this was worse than all the rest. He was sore, lonely, and he had managed to piss off the one person who actually gave a damn about him.

"I'm sorry," he managed to say again between sobs. 

“Please, Cielan," Mrs. Breling said, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “You weren’t out doing anything illegal, were you?”

Cielan thought for a moment. Maybe going into the bar without an ID, but aside from that?

“Nothing illegal… just… stupid,” he said. He wasn’t lying, but he suspected that if he told her gave her full context, the reaction would be the same as if he turned up stoned out of his mind. Mrs. Breling sighed.

“And is stupid going to follow you back to my house?”

“No, Mrs. Breling. I promise.”

Mrs. Breling sighed. "Dear, my old heart can't handle people walking in at one in the morning," she said. "My sense of smell isn't what it used to be, you know." 

Cielan didn't know, but he was incredibly grateful for that fact at the moment. He shifted uneasily. The flow had stopped, but his tail feathers were definitely sticking together. A keen nose would have found him out in seconds.

"I'm sorry. I swear that I won’t go out late again," he said, his composure returning to him as his fears of returning to the streets dissipated.

The bear sighed and turned around. "Get some rest. We've got things to do in the morning, remember?"

Cielan nodded again. “Thank you, Mrs. Breling.” 

Mrs. Breling flicked off the stairwell light as she lumbered back to her room. Cielan sat on the stairs for a little while longer. His legs felt like anvils, and he felt completely isolated. With the last of his energy, he pushed himself up and finished the trek into his room. As he slid into bed and pulled the cold covers over himself, another tear rolled down his face and onto the pillow. Another night alone. Another long, cold, lonely night alone.