translated by ai. I have shared a lot of my innermost thoughts with you, and you have truly understood what I am saying and expressed some of your own feelings. This is an experience I have never had before. I have been seeking this kind of experience since I was in fourth grade until the end of high school, but I have never succeeded. I want to add that if I shared these things with others, they would either ignore me or criticize me. The criticism is that "for a person's growth and future, we restrain their laziness and disobedience. If he expresses his displeasure to others, it is unfair to the people and organizations who provide the constraints." Whether they are the people I have met on the Internet or not, whether they are the ones who provide those constraints or not. Why is this considered unfair? I think an important reason is that many people regret later in life that their lack of effort has caused many difficulties in their lives and for their families. A person who does not regret this later in life or feel sorry for how their parents or teachers treated them, has only recently been recognized. I have written some words that you may understand some of these situations. I will paste them below, and you don't have to worry about me. "Do you wish your teachers had disciplined you more strictly in order for you to work harder and get better grades? Do you think you will wish that in the future?" The answers are likely to vary. My answer is: I don't wish and I don't think so. Why? The first reason for the first answer is probably that: - I am lucky that my family is not financially difficult, and I have access to good educational resources. So I can say these things calmly here without having to rely on studying hard to change my fate. - I am stubborn. I stubbornly dislike others who try to manipulate my behavior, even if it is by scolding me to study harder. - I am inflexible. I rigidly oppose teachers who say things like "you are sorry for this or that" "you don't do your homework, you are so shameless" "You are ruining the study atmosphere and making the class fall apart." I rigidly oppose teachers who use other people to speak, saying "Look at the children from rural areas, they can endure hardships, not like you, you don’t work hard enough" "Look at those ancient people, not only do they have to read books, but they also have to memorize them" "Look at that Singapore has canning, and now we can’t even use corporal punishment. What’s the future?" * - I am still willing to learn, and I can still support myself with a decent job even without being disciplined by teachers. And the second reason for the second answer is probably that: - Certain middle school teachers still made me want to end my life at times, even after I left them. As I am one of the few people like this, I guess I can't blame the teachers. Unfortunately, I will always be part of this minority. My mental state is still stable, so you don't need to worry about me. Recently, my interaction with you a few has been one of the reasons for this stability. Here are some additional things I want to add. "The first education" refers to the first attempt through university. Or, considering that it is relatively easy to pass through university here, "the first education" refers to the first attempt to enter university. I dislike inspirational things because I cannot control feeling ashamed from them, and those things are often deliberately used to create shame and fear. People are afraid when they see others working harder than themselves, and they fear that someone will demand that they work harder as a result. If they fail to meet these demands, they will be punished. When I say "shame," what do I mean? This is a complicated issue, but I think I can roughly describe it. First, you feel self-blame. This does not mean that you feel that you have violated someone else's interests, but rather that you agree with part of the discourse or statement that caused you to feel shame. At the same time, you feel afraid. This fear has two parts. The first part is that you know or have a misconception that someone will force you to become better and if you fail, you will be punished. Instead, you are making yourself better, and even if you fail, there will be no punishment. The second part is that you are afraid of being different from others. This is not necessarily afraid of being different from the majority, but rather afraid that you are worse than those who feel shame and work harder because of it, or worse than those who don't feel shame but are motivated to work harder, or those who are used as examples in inspirational things. I feel that this kind of fear arises from a sense that is inherent in us: "I want to be the most praised person among people, so that I can avoid being attacked for harming others." "Shame" appears as a constraint on students or children, but we can feel "shame" because our genes tell us to be altruistic so that we are not harmed. Please imagine that someone is saying the above "* sentences" to you for twenty minutes every morning and afternoon. If you do not understand, please imagine a software that records the time you spend using electronic devices on your phone or computer. Someone checks your values ​​every day, and if they think the value is too high, they give a lecture using you as an example, with a theme of "The modern people are lazy and addicted, so they need more constraints." ** I think you will feel "shame". You have to admit that the first half of the theme makes sense, but you will also feel afraid, and then angry. In fact, it's even worse than that. The language style that is not easy to make people feel "shame" is used at "**", and in fact, the language style that will be used is "The excellent traditional culture of self-discipline and self-improvement no longer exist in modern times, 'being lazy is fine' and other deviant behaviors are prevailing, therefore, modern people should re-reverence rules and constraints." I have always been someone who is very sensitive to the distinction between words that express "should" and words that express suggestions. This is the manifestation of my sensitivity to shame. Another example is a statement criticizing me for "paying too much attention to other people's criticisms of me." If I "shift my attention to cultivating habits," I won't feel angry or upset and can "justify my teachers and parents" and receive more constraints. Perhaps you can feel shame from such a statement, as well as fear and anger. For example, why did he say that I need more constraints? Did I not give up my freedom of thought enough? After all, they are for my own good. Did I look at the problem too negatively? Do I lack a "positive embracing" attitude towards things? I still feel a strong sense of shame from some college teachers when they speak like middle school teachers. I noticed some details in the way you speak to me. Whether it is a warning or comfort, they show your care for me. However, I wouldn't describe any of the things other people have said to me in the same way. However, it's too late for you guys. When I was in middle school, I lay in bed and imagined that the mattress was someone who understood and comforted me. It didn't work, so I lay on the floor. It still didn't work. In high school, I calculated in seconds what I would say to my friends before they fled me, in exchange for a 10% reduction in pain that day. They were not always willing to offset that 10% of pain for me. After that, no matter whether it was a lucky day with 90% or not, I would go to the aluminum handrails in the building where my home was and cry. It still didn't work. Now, I can't send you back to be my friend in the past. In fact, you may not be good enough friends with me then. I am still a fragile and childish person. I have no illness, there are no difficulties in basic life, and I have salad, french fries and ketchup to eat, but I still say the things above. Especially considering that I have already left middle school.